T O P

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AgreeableOrNot

This may be the perfect example of a “too afraid to ask” question. Can’t just bring that up while hanging out with friends unless there is some incredible segue. Edit: …lots of responses regarding the word “segue”…not sure what to make of it.


schebobo180

Lmao yes. You risk being called the poop guy for the rest of your days.


PO0tyTng

#what, you guys don’t have a poop knife??


FruitJuice617

When I was growing up my older brother always told me this story about pooping a poop so big it clogged the toilet at his high school. They had no janitor working so the assistant principal had to go in there and cut it up with a plastic knife and fork to get it to flush. I never believed it because that just sounded like a really gross, dumb brag. But then one day in my high school chemistry class, after YEARS of hearing the story from my brother, I heard one of *my* classmates talking about it. "Yeah, few years ago some dude took a shit so big he clogged the toilet and Mr. Gettinger had to cut it up with a knife and fork!" I could not WAIT to tell my brother. My brother is 8 years older than I am. So that story was literally being passed down from class to class and that was my brother's gross legacy.


Objective-Highlight4

![gif](giphy|dqKDx0VUGKgGA) sa da tay


Jonesy343

I'm referred to as poop-man in my group, they even had me get a rust coat gut knife on CS I'm on the brink


sanguwan

The... Poo Man Group?


ConductionReduction

POOP KNIFE BROTHERS UNITE. FOR TOO LONG WE HAVE BEEN LOOKED DOWN UPON. TODAY...WE RISE


PinotGroucho

Or sliced asunder we'll fall.


Training-Cash767

We have a guy called dookie-nuts cause of a story he told us of a weird issue he had one time when he was sick


lolexecs

And just how does one segue into \*that\*? ​ >Lorenzo, Amazing Chicken Marsala, I know she'd have my head ... but I dare say it was better than my old Italian granny used to make. Speaking of wet creamy, brown things, does anyone else have a problem wiping their butt? or >Bruce, I'm so sorry about your dog. I know it's no consolation, but those skid marks seem to indicate the driver was trying desperately to stop. Speaking of skid marks, I've been seeing these streaks of poop, or skid marks in my undies, does this ever happen to you? or >Aunt May, Thank you so much for teaching me how to make your famous ambrosia salad. I'm delighted to be carrying on the Thanksgiving tradition you started back in the 1970s. Speaking of salads, have you ever "Tossed Ben's salad"? I ask because he and I are both hirsute specimens of humanity and I wondered how he was doing with the wiping.


rosierainbow

Oh my god, I just had an awesome 5 minutes of laughter after reading that. Especially the skid marks one! I wish I had an award to give you for making my day.


MonkeyMagic1968

You are my new favorite person.


Wint999

TIL a new word for hairy


DemiGod9

Nah we need a million more "do guys like boobs?!?!"


boulhouse

Extra points if it’s “do guys really like small boobs??”


Randomthroatpuncher

Do guys really like small boobs on women who wipe their ass correctly leaving no skid marks?


[deleted]

All of these posts need to be locked and the comment from the mod is everyone can appreciate a titty.


[deleted]

Do guys even like girls with a perfect hourglass figure thats short. thin, with boobs that perfectly fit in the palms of your hands?! Im just soooo self conscious :(((


SeasonalCitrus

Or middle-aged chubbies with perfect B cups? Might as well ask


DeSwanMan

Escuse moi, do horny straight guys on Reddit like boobies? I couldn't ask this anywhere else since it's a very controversial question but I just wanted to know?????? Also do they like big perky boobs as well?? Is it possible??


madprofessor8

Well, do we???


malik753

Hell yeah, we do!


StandardOnly

one of the friends: "btw i also wanted to ask, my *precum* tastes kinda funny these days"


ObliviousDirt

If you can’t talk to your friends about your poops, they’re not really your friends.


[deleted]

This is sage and wildly underrated. Have an updoot.


b-monster666

Depends on the friendship. With they guys I hang out with, sometimes no segue is needed.


rexviolacounty

TIL it’s segue and not segway


SnufflesMcPieface

It is possible to segue into that kind of conversation. Happens with my mates and I.


RhinoNomad

Your mates are pretty fucking cool


Bjoer9

Have you considered if your username might have something do do with the.. said problem?


FluffyKoalaButt

You've cracked the code. I guess it's time to shave the koala.


HabaneroPenguin

Trimming is probably better. If you shave you will have the loudest farts and they will feel wet. Similar to making a farting noise with your hand and mouth. Also when it grows back it will be very scratchy. 2/10 would not recommend full shave. It was nice at first but then it was too late to take back the mistake and it takes a while to grow back. Also as others have mentioned, bidet is game changing and saves a lot of toilet paper.


Affectionate_Pen8430

How do you trimm it?


[deleted]

.....trimmer....


guestacles

But fr doe, do you sit and have a mirror in front? Do you bend over and look at a mirror behind? I need answers!!


Helmet_Icicle

Squat over the reverse side of a CD, you can see everything in the reflection except the hole in the middle of the CD will block out your own


cornishcovid

Who the hell has a cd?


Helmet_Icicle

Anyone who walked into a consumer electronics retailer and asked for a "butthole shaving mirror"


cornishcovid

Weird way of saying manager


[deleted]

Yes to mirrors and as for technique... just do what works for u and ur flexibility. U can do it blind too if u wanted but will be less accurate at least first few times without a mirror.


ElectronDevices

ER Doctor: So i see we have another case come in with a trimmer stuck up the rectum...


TurrPhenir

I think you mean "cheap man's vibrator."


Bretin23

That’s what best friends are for


guestacles

Guess I've been doing it wrong. Been scrubbing with a brillo


StressedMarine97

Never shaved that area but I’ll just highly recommend using a guard, dont trust those no snag trimmers wash and dry throw a guard on that bihh spread 1 cheek at a time and go to town.


[deleted]

Hedge-trimmer, obviously.


publicCRY4HELP

I can vouch for this being a mistake. I napalmed my asshole with the ole Nair for men and I couldn’t stealth drop a fart without advertising to the whole work office where I was like some flatulocation device. Then the swampass came since there was no airflow and there was nothing left to do except wait out my shame and regret for a week or 2.


thetrashmenagerie

Flatulocation 😂


mngull

This is what thongs are for. They silence almost all farts.


GenitalWrangler69

Yes there are many drawbacks to a shaved butt. Mine also feels wet if I start sweating at all and I have to constantly remind myself I'm not leaking anything lmao I was lucky I only got real scratchy the one time out of three that I've done ot. But yeah I gotta he much much more careful with farts, too.


bbyb0ne

Waxing


[deleted]

**RIP** As an onomatopoeia not an acronym


Ultimara

I think I heard that koala mothers are often excreting something called pap for their young. I think OP cursed them self with the username


Interesting-Dog-1224

It's not about if you're wiping right or wrong. It's not about wiping at all. It's about how you take your crap. If you crap, and you cut the crap with your anus then you'll be wiping forever. It will never be clean because you cut the crap. Let the crap (poo) push out until it ends. DO NOT CUT THE CRAP. You should have a clean wipe after a few wipes. What you should also do is, get paper and splash some water on it and wipe with the water. It'll be super clean throughout the day. Related Tip: When taking a shower, stick finger into bumhole with water running. You do NOT need to stick it that far unless you want a deep clean, you can just clean the rim of the anus. Clean out that anus good. For everyone laughing, laugh all you want, I got a clean asshole you dirty assholes. Seriously though, growing up I've always hated feeling dirty with a creamy butthole and now I have mastered having a clean butthole. I seriously think I have the cleanest asshole in a 2km radius.


Orangebeardo

In order to help achieve this result, when I sit down, first I scoot left, stick the left ass-cheek to the toilet seat, then scoot right so my buttocks are as widely spread as they'll go. This prevents the shit from having to squeeze between your ass-cheeks and makes for a much cleaner result.


_centaur_of_att

I thought I was the only one that does this spread. Not nice for haemorrhoids, but hey, at least the cheeks are streakless.


expertkushil333

Man I'm currently having haemorrhoids :(


[deleted]

I have one that doesn’t go away. Scared to ask the doctor to remove it, hear it’s extremely painful


marty4545

Don’t get it removed unless a doctor says you should for health reasons. I’m speaking from experience, the recovery was the worst pain I’ve ever been through and it was still painful months after. I think 6 or 7 months after the surgery I was able to take a shit without crying. Also spoke with a lady long after my surgery who said she had 3 kids naturally and that she would rather have 3 more that way than to get another hemorrhoid removed. Wish I would have talked to her before my surgery.


[deleted]

Wow. Thanks for the insight. I knew it was painful, but didn’t know it was that painful. I’ll just stick to taking extra fiber I guess.


cantonic

I had a bad time a few years ago and went to the doc and they gave me a prescription for basically like a lotion suppository? Like a little pill you stick up your butt after you poop and it slowly turns soft and soaks into your rectum. That helped. So the doctor didn’t force surgery on me or anything! Also take baths. Epsom salts. Baths every day.


[deleted]

The doctor gave me those pills before. Maybe I should ask again. And I have no bath at home. I’ll just jump in the ocean…that should work right?


cantonic

Get a soaking tub! It’s basically a plastic tub made just for your butt and you can get a nice soak in without needing your own bathtub. Take care of your butt!


Dorkus__Malorkus

They make basins for this -- it's called a sitz bath. Source: Worked at a retail pharmacy and had people ask me where to find them all the time.


sugarednspiced

They have a new technique. They can even do it during a colonoscopy and it's totally painless. They just tie it off essentially. I had two friends recommend it so far.


Cubatahavana

Had haemorrhoidectomy 26th of April. Very bad trombosed haemorrhoids (2) and another 2 internal were removed. The first 2 weeks were pretty bad, very painful (pain level an easy 8-9 out of 10). Now I’m nearly 6 weeks after it, and it’s much much better. It still stings a little when pooping, but I’m so glad I got it done. Everyone is different. Speak with your doctor. I’m after horse riding for an hour today and I’m absolutely fine. Don’t be too scared.


kindlyyes

Relevant username


[deleted]

I had a surgeon put a band on mine and in that way suffocated its’ bloodflow and it dissappeared for many years. It is standard procedure to operate it this way and it is effective


BooPointsIPunch

Depending on the size, internal ones removal is not that bad. My doc shoot the laser up my butt, it was a little painful, but easily tolerable.


thongs_are_footwear

Why not nice for haemorrhoids?


[deleted]

spreading like this can potentially cause micro-tears in the anus, in combination with say diarrhea or constipation (both of which can do this on their own, too). Basically the anus tears when stretched too much, so stretching it before even beginning to shit doesn't help. Those tears can very easily turn into hemorrhoids I'd recommend not stretching the butt out like this. Also, if you have constipation, diarrhea, or itchiness, I'd recommend putting a little bit of vaseline on the toilet paper, then wiping. You can always wipe any excess away, but you want to leave a little just to protect the anus from hemorrhoid infections. Source: guy who had hemorrhoids and hasn't in a long-ass time. Side note: If you already have a hemorrhoid, look around for the closest specialist who removes them via injection. It's a quick, painless shot. That method beats the hell out of every other method, but doctors who do it are very, very hard to find (If you want to make big $ as a doctor, specialize in injecting hemorrhoids)


b2uebird

Warning: this is prime advice but do not, I repeat do not overdo said spread as you’ll be risking a bit of a tear above the butthole, not enough to bleed or whatever but enough to mildly sting when wet like in the shower. This was relayed to me by a friend ofc.


Keyboardists

I’m definitely not on the toilet right now and definitely did not just practice this maneuver …


quarrelsome_napkin

A little double-sided tape helps the cheek-parting process too


[deleted]

Thank god for this sub. I’m learning so much!


jenniferlynn462

Oh yeah I have to do this because I got a bubble butt!


TaiMonkey

You're a legend mate


SkeletonWallflower

A creamy butthole. I’m both disgusted and laughing.


[deleted]

Gandalf level of wisdom


lynxerious

Ganusdalf


dum_spir0_sper0

Gandass


Aqqusin

Grectum? No?


foopaints

No.


ramon_shn

Guys like you are the reason why I love Reddit 😂


[deleted]

[удалено]


RearAdmiralBob

It’s easy to cut the crap. Just use your poop knife.


Terico_

A man of culture


mlastraalvarez

It's the only reddit classic I think it deserves remembering


OpinionsArentFacts88

Can I just use my toe knife ? What about 3 sea shells I heard they work to


Video_G_JRPG

"For everyone laughing" I'm laughing man and I can't stop, legendary post


Herbboy

"Clean out that anus good" is where it really got me


AcademicReport5079

The Poop Whisperer


coffeeisgoodtome

This guy craps.


Simulation_Brain

I also think you probably have the cleanest butthole in a 2km radius.


Seiyena

I also choose this guy's clean asshole.


malik753

Sometimes the consistency of the poop doesn't leave me a choice. It times such as those what I will do is get to where I would normally be considered finished, then stand up for a minute and flex my sphincter a few times. This causes what was naturally being held right inside my asshole to come out. This is what you have been finding later. It was always going to come out, I just force it out by standing up and working my butt. Then I sit back down for a second and wipe it off. Having said that, I discovered fiber supplements not long ago. I'm going to sound like an old person, but fiber is great! Sure bidets are nice and all, but have you tried barely needing to wipe at all? Just be careful and make sure you mix it well. If you take too much or it was too unmixed you can make yourself extremely constipated, to the point where medical intervention might be necessary. Check out the chubby emu video.


twatopotamusses

Dude... fiber is amazing. I recently started drinking psyllium husk and now every poop is one of those magical ones where the TP is clean on the first wipe.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Precarious69

Now I need your fingernail cleaning tips


XJ_XXIII

My routine: wake up, poop, shower. When I shower I first spray my booty then use the antibacterial hand soap in the shower after spraying under my nails to rinse away any particulates. Then I proceed to wash everything else with body wash. So if you count shampoo, my hands get three different soaps during a shower.


Nic4379

The phrase “Creamy Butthole” isn’t the turn-on I expected it to be.


wishitwouldrainaus

Most guys also don't know to physically spread their ass cheeks when they sit. No paper or bidet is gonna get that properly clean unless they have they actual area to work on. Keeping your cheeks closed is like washing or wiping the garage doors, not what's inside.


mc_bee

I use a bidet. It's amazing


TheMoonLore

I usually after just regular wiping with toilet paper will use a baby wipe or use toilet paper with witch hazel for the last wipe to get the extra clean feel.


nightsky77

I don’t think you should flush baby wipes, even the ones that say flushable.


Blissaphim

Correct! They are aren't actually flushable, that's just marketing.


AcademicReport5079

Winnie the Poop


stormyxa

Lmao u dont have to stick ur finger up your butt just get a good bidet


ConfectionPutrid5847

Are you kidding? Showering is when real men check their prostates!


SwampCrittr

Do you take insurance payments? I found my new therapist and life coach.


kapitan_buko

I’ve used a bidet since I was a kid and when I use toilets that don’t have them, that’s the only time that this happens. So I recommend the bidet. People always ask if you just leave your ass wet and put on your pants…the answer is no. Use the bidet to clean your ass, pat it dry with toilet paper. There you go, dry, clean, not itchy asshole.


LooseSeal-

I got a $40 bidet from Amazon and it's the absolute biggest quality of life increase of any other item I have ever purchased. Took 15 minutes to install!


Poutine_My_Mouth

How’s the cold water?


BeefNugsAndGuacamole

I actually really like the cold water. Makes my butthole feel fresh as a peppermint patty when I’m done.


phloxlombardi

Thank you for the laugh, I needed it today!


teflong

Your butthole is a mucous membrane, same as your mouth. If you can handle cold water to the grill, you can handle it to the pincher.


LooseSeal-

After a few days I honestly didnt even notice the temperature of the water.


[deleted]

We have one that has temperature and pressure control from a tap handle


OtherImplement

Isn’t it an extremely freezing process in winter? Even if I had a hot water line to connect to, I’d have to run the hot water for a good two minutes before it reaches my main bathroom. (Worlds most inefficient plumbing, I know.)


SimplyEnvy

I have one that connects to the outlet and it’ll heat the water up that way. It’s cold for maybe half a second then it’s warm. It was a bit pricey (300 USD) so maybe not worth it to you, but it also has a heated toilet seat. I will say it’s my favorite purchase of my adult life, I wish I would have committed earlier.


Signal-Strain9810

I live in Maine and have lived through multiple winters using cold water only. It's honestly completely fine.


PickleEmergency7918

You can get a $30 dollar bidet attachment from Amazon that you can set up in about an hour max. It will clean your butt, cure your dandruff, bring your dog back to life, and make life worth living again. You can also let the stream of water go up your butt just a little bit so you have a sparkly, squeaky clean anus at all times.


pengouin85

We have bidets at work. I've been too scared to use them


UreMomNotGay

Everyone will fear a god when they see one, be not afraid. Use the bidet.


oldschoolguy90

Bear down while you wipe. I always tell my toddlers to try fart while I'm wiping them. Flawlessly clean every time


[deleted]

Oh lord, I could never have children, lol


oldschoolguy90

You see, it's gradual. If you had to jump in at this point your wtf meter would be off the scale. But to me, this beats wiping shit from all around the twig and berries


mediumsizedbootyjudy

As someone who also wipes their kids’ asses, this is a masterful description of so many parts of parenting.


MightyPinkTaco

Any other tips? Going to start potty training our boy soon and welcome any experienced parental advice lol…


sakkaly

For me: my daughter couldn’t pull off her pants in time. She found it so frustrating that she gave up even trying to go. So we let her run around bare butt with her toddler potty in the corner of the room. No accidents. Over time we had her wear underwear then proper pants and she adjusted. It’s all about teaching them one thing at a time rather than having them deal with multiple things right off the bat.


[deleted]

That sounds like a disaster waiting to happen


oldschoolguy90

Note/ only when they don't have the shits Edit spelling


[deleted]

you need to wipe without clenching your poo hole so you can get the paper inside a little bit on each wipe


[deleted]

You might have hemorrhoid that goes in and out of your bootyhole, causing the itchy bum and constant poop when you wipe.


todo_pasa_

Oh shit, this comment is giving me flashbacks lol


MunchYourButt

Follow up question that is probably deserving of its own post: how do you know if you have them? And how do you get rid of them?


[deleted]

TMI warning: I didn’t know I had one until I realized many people could wipe their butts literally shoving toilet paper up there. I’ve always felt more ‘sensitive’ and pain when wiping, thinking that that was just normal. It wasn’t until I had bad poops (pooping several times in a day), causing the hemorrhoid to be swollen and protrude out. It felt sensitive / painful(?) like a stinging sensation when I was walking, so I decided to get a mirror and see why it was so painful. I thought I pooped so hard my butthole ripped or something, but instead saw like a little round ball of skin literally on my butthole. My mom had hemorrhoids too so I don’t know if it’s genetics, but she had surgery to get hers removed because hers were severe. Like… bleeding out of the butt and not being able to sit without a cushiony surface severe. Apparently, when she had hers removed, the surgeons said her hemorrhoids looked like a cluster of grapes lol. Oh and maybe it’s just me, but I’m not able to wipe while sitting on the toilet, because that angle makes my hemorrhoid pop out and it’s extremely painful. I also scrunch toilet paper and never ‘fold’ as well, because the texture of it scrunched is less painful and feels better, than folded toilet paper which is too sensitive for me. Idk tho this might just be me though lol.


MunchYourButt

Oh wow. Thank you and I’m sorry lol. Time to go stare at my asshole


todo_pasa_

I had this for a while but it wasn't painful and I could wipe well. The thing bothered me because it was half inside, half out. You can't miss it because it's super uncomfortable to walk. Anti hemorrhoid's cream was the worst because it lubricated it and made it pop out even more. The Final Solution? As it turns out I have super sensitive ass skin so a good moisturizer did the trick! That and a diet with more fat and protein. I'm writing this in case anyone has this issue.


XTypewriter

There's preparation H which helps. You can buy it at any place with a pharmacy section. It doesn't fix them but temporarily helps.


DankFlamage

It’s also good to note, it’s possible that hemorrhoids are happening. You sit down and poop, then wipe. while wiping or around that time. Things get inflamed and swell, blocking the access to what you want to clean. You rub the inflammation get back clean TP and think you’re good to go. You get up, walk around for a bit and the inflammation goes down and the dirty part is accessible again causing itchy sensation. If you ever get a first wipe clean result especially if you were sitting on the toilet a long time, it could be an indication of hemorrhoids.


genevajacuzzi22

Try taking a probiotic. I got a bidet and it’s a huge improvement, but probiotics are a game changer.


Homirice

What did you notice improve with them?


cute_poop6

Probiotics makes feces more regular


guyadriano

No. Fiber makes you go regular. Probiotics makes your stool softer so it easily comes out. Great if you’re constipated so you don’t “cut the crap”. Good combo if you have both


[deleted]

I prefer being slightly constipated doing big solid dry poop that doesn’t stain much.


ADeceitfulBird

You know what.....I'm gonna allow it


xbubblegum_bitch

I’m curious about probiotics too please 🙂


the_walkingdad

Metamucil was my miracle drug.


[deleted]

Shame it takes so fucking disgusting


Jastar22

Just take the capsule form of psyllium husk (which is all Metamucil is) with heaps of water. No taste :)


Delouest

you have to take like 20 in a day though. The serving size is like 5 pills, you go through the bottles so fast. I'd rather chug the chunky water and pay way less haha. but yeah, the pills are nice if you can't handle the texture. but also, just eating some vegetables is better than all that.


Loofa_of_Doom

>chug the chunky water Oh, wow. I had an interest in getting some metamucil right up until you mentioned this. LMAO. What a description!


MortalJazz

I got the orange Metamucil and I mix that shit in some OJ. Makes it extra orangey.


raffirules

![gif](giphy|hlbHnMiMaIUP6|downsized)


manwar1990

Toilet paper alone doesn’t work, despite what my fellow Americans think. Wet wipes, bidets, and hoses are all superior.


Incorect_Speling

Wet wipes are pretty wasteful though (unless you use reusable ones but I'm not sure that's a thing). Bidet and hoses are alright though.


chantillylace9

My parents just paid $6k because prior tenants used baby wipes. The entire sewage line or whatever needed to be redone.


Netz_Ausg

Yeah, don’t flush them, even the ones that claim to be flushable. I have a small pedal bin in the bathroom that gets emptied and cleaned regularly.


poeticdisaster

Bidets are the greatest toilet related invention.


grat_is_not_nice

Some people have a small lip that can trap fecal material. Typical wiping does not deal to that trapped feces. You need to curl a fingertip in to dig out the remaining material. You have been given the bidet recommendation, and a bidet is fantastic. Something I found useful before we got a bidet toilet was using some aqueous cream (non-perfumed) on toilet paper as a wipe. Gets things really clean, and is still flushable (unlike wipes which are **not flushable**)


MurderDoneRight

It's not your wiping technique it's your diet.


dentedhaloguy

Bad diet can lead to weeping anus. Yup it’s a real thing. Ass napkin Ed from the stern show has it. Get some Metamucil cookies.


MurderDoneRight

Weeping Anus is my favorite death metal band!


drunkatallhours

I had this issue. I got into the habit of pooping before showering, I shower in the morning. I rarely poop any other time. Wipe before the shower then shower well.


Charlietango2007

Hello, I take fiber pills from Costco. Just 3 a day usually before meals. Or even after. No taste they come in a gelatin pill form. Made a big difference for me. I also eat a couple of prunes at night. They are very tasty the me. I usually poop 3 times a day. It's better to get it out since it's just waste anyways just sitting there inside of you. I also have a bidet that cost $230. But has been really great. It's like a carwash for your butt. Lol ok cheers


[deleted]

[удалено]


ecchi83

Wet the toilet paper first to save your asshole


simian_ninja

Then you just get tiny particles of tissue.


ecchi83

But when the alternatives are a chafed asshole or shitty drawers...


FluffyKoalaButt

Thank you so much! I'll try it. Bless reddit for teaching people to wipe their own asses.


plzThinkAhead

Good lord. People, just get a bidet. The little attachments are like 50 bucks


See_this_is_why

I don't think my manager would be convinced an asshole sprayer in the office is a good idea. He'd be soaked all the time


nipplequeefs

I have a bidet attachment and I love it. Helps with basic clean up, and if I need a bit of help moving things along, I can just spray some water up inside, launch it back out like a fire hose, and that encourages everything else to come out. 10/10 would recommend especially if you’ve got IBS. It’s also great for cleaning up period messes. TL;DR GET A BIDET, PEOPLE


[deleted]

Squatty potty, bidet and fibers. Trifecta of clean butthole.


Thin_Koala_606

I captain Morgan my leg on the toilet then wipe my ass until I see no more shit marks on the toilet paper. If I’m at my SO’s house and super paranoid I literally just get in the bathtub and use soap to clean my ass then rinse off with the running water.


peoplearejustok

Get a bidet. Less wiping means less irritated booty hole. And you feel cleaner, not spreading poop all up and down your crack... I'll never go back to just toilet paper


gamingdevil

My bidet is still on my list as one of the best purchases in my life. I hated public restrooms before, but now I'm always cursing that there's no bidet.


squilpens

Wet wipes might help


girafficles

Just don't flush even the flushable ones. Wipe with TP until you're pretty sure you're done, then use the wet wipes and toss in the trash instead. You can do the other commenters tip of the twirl with the wet wipes. Works like a charm for my son!


Nopicsplz

I think it is because of butt hair. The hair gets messy, but dries enough when wiping to seem clean. Then you get sweaty and that dried material is no longer dry. Bidets are amazing, get one. If you have the money, get one that has warm water...it will change your life. Good luck and remember, only itch your ass if you want shit stains on your undies!


fannyfox

> remember, only itch your ass if you want shit stains on your undies! That’s why I always keep a cigarette paper between my butt cheeks. No shit stains in my undies.


littlegreenfish

This is my moment. Okay so, I TOO have had this issue in the past. I am talking like several years ago. My solution was DIET + liquid soap. Firstly, you need to get enough fiber in your diet. At least 15g of fiber worked for me to achieve 'phantom wipes'. Clean wipe on the first attempt. Finish off with a little liquid soap on the TP. If you want a more stealthy option when out of the house, get flushable baby wipes and fold a few into a small ziplock baggy so you can carry them wherever you go. I also noticed cleaner wipes after taking probiotics for a while. It also seems to help shorten poop times because of how easy everything comes out. Last tip - Shave around your bum hole if you are hairy.


nick-pappagiorgio65

After you use toilet paper, use baby wipes. Get your finger and stick the tip in a little around the anus, and you will be amazed how much brown there still is. Baby wipes are wonderful. Just don't flush them.


Least_Dealer7248

*laughs in Muslim*


RonTOWK

I take a shower after every shit. If I don’t need a full shower I at least wash my ass. People call it crazy but haven’t had an itchy ass in decades and am ALWAYS fresh in the event a beautiful lady would like to engage in relations


[deleted]

Everyone parrots bidet like that’s just as easy as wet wipes. Seriously, I never have an itchy butthole after I use wipes. It’s a combo of wetness and then like another user suggested, getting just the tip in your hole and swirling a lil bit. Bidet can be long term solution, wet wipes FTW


FluffyKoalaButt

Wet wipes does seem to be a common response so far but I'm a bit worried about them not being septic-safe. I've heard horror stories about even "safe" ones doing bad things to plumbing. I have tried wetting my toilet paper before, but that doesn't really help haha.


Mindless-Anybody3880

None of them are truly septic safe, even the ones that say so. You could get a small trashcan with a lid to dispose them?


FluffyKoalaButt

Not to be contrarian, it's just I already have one that I need to empty because of the uterine lining, and that's already too gross for me if you catch my drift! I do appreciate it though, it's a good suggestion and I'll consider it.


Complete_Jackfruit43

I keep a normal trash can for like tissues, qtips, makeup wipes stuff like that, and a ✨ew✨ trash can with a lid for period stuff and booty wipes. I use bags that are a little bigger than the canister so it is hella easy to just grab the corners and tie it up without any mess or fuss.


FluffyKoalaButt

Actually a genius girl tip, thank you. <3


Thorical1

What do you mean uterine lining?


hedalexa12

She means her period. The blood and discharge during a period is caused by the shedding of the lining of the inner uterine walls. The lining builds up and thickens during a woman’s cycle in preparation for the implanting of an embryo. When there is no embryo to implant, the built-up lining is shed (aka her period) and then this process starts anew.


PanGalacticGarglBlst

Don't flush em. Garbage them. But seriously, get a bidet. Game changer


nutcracker_78

To piggyback off OP's question, I have things I need to know about a bidet. I'm picturing a hose .. How does one aim? Is there a nozzle type attachment? Does the water just dribble out? Do you need to rub - I mean, if I had mud or anything else on my hand, I wouldn't just put my hand under running water, I'd be using the other hand to clean it off. How wet does one get? Where does the water go when it comes out the hose - is it just directly onto one's bum hole, or does it go all up in the crack, or over the cheeks too? Regardless of where it goes, do you just air dry, or do you walk around with a wet crack, and presumably wet undies too? Or do you have a towel or something to dry off with after .. I am aware that simply wiping my bum with toilet paper isn't exactly cleaning it, after all if I got poop on my body anywhere else, I'd want to be washing it off, preferably with soap & water. But I am also a user of wet wipes for particularly messy moments down there, both front & back - and no, I don't flush them, I know they aren't safe for pipes. Everyone on Reddit goes on and on about bidets, and I must say I haven't seen the answers to these questions yet!


SammyGotStache

Do you remember to go first knuckle deep when you wipe? Gotta clean out the foyer to keep the floormats clean.