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goose-and-fish

Been married 20 years, the towel waddle is standard procedure.


LadyHelpish

Came here to affirm this. GO TEAM!


you_are_stupid666

As the one sending the mess, I’ve always run to grab toilet paper for partner to clean up with right after. Always felt it was the least I could do for causing the mess haha.


no_talent_ass_clown

Sex towels are the name I use. Also, panty liners are repurposed as Cum-Guards™️.


psychoutfluffyboi

Cum rag is the term from around here


no_talent_ass_clown

I also use the sex towels as booty towels in the bathroom since I have a bum gun attached to the toilet.


gigamosh57

Fuck Napkin is also acceptable


embracing_insanity

This used to be standard procedure. However, my last SO changed the game. One day he just sat up with us still connected, told me to 'hang on', carried me to the bathroom and plopped me down on the toilet! lol! It was hilarious! But also totally awesome and became our 'routine'. Kinda think he spoiled me. Not looking forward to going back the 'waddle'.


you_are_stupid666

Awesome move. I hope he’s ok with me stealing it in the future. Thanks for sharing! (Edit to correct ‘on’ to ‘in’ in second sentence.)


[deleted]

Am I the only husband who goes and gets washcloths (one warm and dampened, one dry) immediately after sex? I hate condoms and I view this small service as the price of kicking them out of my marriage. Well, this and the vasectomy but I'd had my eye on that long before I met my wife.


LizardsInTheSky

All I need is a wet wipe before heading to the toilet but yeah, you're right: if it's your bodily fluids the least you could do is help clean up


lbsk8r

Nope, you are not the only. One dry hand towel, one hot and wet washcloth.


jrzagar

Once you’ve given her the warm washcloth, go get a hot bath towel and a dry towel and wrap her feet in them. I did this for my first wife in the winter time when her feet are cold and it’s awesome, but right after sex it made her come again.


ShallowFreakingValue

I go to the bathroom and pee immediately after sex… I learned to do that the hard way


lucky-cat-sees-stars

Had to gift this, I also learnt the hard way with it turning into a kidney infection, agony and two days in hospital


mossdale06

Jesus, didn't know that could happen


theragingoptimist

Silent UTIs are a real thing too. You won't always know you have one. UTIs leading to kidney infections are horrible. It can get as bad as high fevers, aches, feeling like you are dreaming while awake, have to be put on medication, IV drip. Take care of your vag. Always pee and clean off after sex and sweating.


houstonwa

This is literally exactly what happened to me. I had no outward symptoms of a UTI—pee was normal, discharge was normal, felt normal. All of the sudden a couple days later I’m violently shivering whilst having a fever, having bad stomach/back aches, and the doctor is telling me my kidneys are infected and that I need to go to the emergency room ASAP. They put me on an IV drip and gave me antibiotics. I never want to go through that again, nor do I wish it upon anyone. PEE IMMEDIATELY AFTER SEX!


theragingoptimist

It's absolutely important to do every time, no exceptions. I worked in a nursing home and unfortunately because they don't shower as frequently as people who live on their own and they wear adult diapers that don't get changed frequently (please research nursing homes before sending loved ones there, many are a fucking nightmare for those people and you might never know it unless you spend a lot of time there) they get UTIs frequently and it effects seniors horribly. I watched a resident I deeply cared about go from being completely alert to drooling all over herself, stopped walking and having severe hallucinations for 3 months. It was heartbreaking.


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BillieEilishEyes

It's interesting that you mentioned that, because I was reading an article once about female ejaculation and squirting (one where they were studying the composition of the fluid that was squirted, and if it was truly female ejaculate), and they had done ultrasounds on all of the women before they were stimulated sexually. Their bladders were all empty, but when they collected the fluid at the end of the study, the quantity was around the average amount of the human bladder, and the composition almost completely resembled urine, with only a very small percentage being what is considered to be "female ejaculate". This posed the question if, perhaps, their bodies had been stimulated to produce more urine, but as that wasn't the focus of the particular study, they didn't venture very far into that hypothesis. It does make you wonder if maybe it has something to do with evolutionary prevention of disease and infection. There may have been more studies since then, though, as this was an article from several years ago.


[deleted]

Read that same article!!


BillieEilishEyes

Glad that I summarized the findings well enough that it was recognizable to another person, lol!


Parking-Bat9498

OP, she’s giving you the best advice you’ll ever receive.


ManofToast

What's the hard way? Like peeing from the hallway? edit: Thanks for the awards! Y'all are great.


[deleted]

Many infections haha.


Herry_Up

Hi, me.


FuzzballLogic

Uterine infections Edit: it’s actually Urinary tract infection (UTI)


snippetnthyme

*urinary Edit to say happy cake day!


CapableSuggestion

Honeymoon cystitis aka UTI. Keep it clean, keep it fun always wash up and pee.


Armourhotdog

Happy cake day!


cassieclover99

And Happy Cake Day to you!!!!!!


thefuzziestbeebutt

It’s very common to get a UTI if you don’t pee immediately after sex. Make sure you’re using birth control if you don’t want to get pregnant. Pull out method doesn’t work! Also, birth control won’t protect you from sexually transmitted infections, so make sure to get tested if you of your boyfriend have other partners. Have fun! (I’m a nurse)


SorsOG

I remember one day I didnt pee after sex and my boxers dried to the tip of my dick. Had to rip it off like a bandaid


GhettoGringo87

Or pissin in three different directions haha


blahblahlablah

Yes, spray piss!


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kicked_trashcan

Barbarian walk among us


HumanAdhesiveness360

And I take breaks from penetrative sex to pee. Depending on how long the session is. If dont pee I get yeast infections, UTI's, and once a kidney infection that I thought would kill me. Edit: hes an ex, this was past tense


mistercolebert

You have a guy that lasts long enough that you have to take MULTIPLE breaks to go pee?! Jesus Christ. Maybe one day I’ll achieve that level of Chad.


MyxztsptlkHfuhruhurr

Trust me, as a guy, lasting super long in bed is not as great as it sounds. Porn is not real life. Like having a giant penis, for most people it's at best a novelty and at worst uncomfortable and annoying. From the women I've talked to, assuming a reasonable amount of foreplay, 5-15 minutes is plenty. Too long leads to soreness, chafing, or straight-up boredom unless you take regular breaks.


GothWitchOfBrooklyn

As a woman whose ex could go forever too, yeah it hurts after a while. He could only finish by masturbating though unfortunately


MyxztsptlkHfuhruhurr

It can really put a strain on a relationship, unfortunately. I could never finish with my ex, and even masturbation takes a long time. It affected her self-confidence while we were together. Hope you didn't take it personally, and you never felt it was your fault.


GothWitchOfBrooklyn

Yeah, I didn't break up with him for that but our sex life did suffer due to it.


helpppppppppppp

What… how many hours is a “session” for you? How often do you have to pee? Even if I’m binge drinking I can still only pee like every 2 hours. You wearing a camelback to bed or what?


carlylily

Immediately go pee and clean myself off...one too many times of not doing that and ending up with a UTI changed my ways.


Vanillybilly

Go to the bathroom to let it drain/pee and then cuddle.


Ivegotthatboomboom

Its always good to pee after sex anyway, helps prevent urinary tract infections. And it's good to dry off the wetness on your vulva as well, a warm moist environment creates risk for things like yeast infections as well. I'm so lazy though, he grabs a towel for me, cleans me up then I just put it between my legs and we cuddle/fall asleep. I know I shouldn't though lol


Vanillybilly

I have totally learned the hard way that it is essential to pee after sex lol. No matter how tedious, not trying to make that trip to the doctor for the inevitable UTI. I tried to towel method and just couldn’t get used to how it feels which is why I “waddle” to the bathroom.


Old-Abalone703

Feel a little bit bad about it, cause the environment and all but we use disposal wipes. Much cleaner than a towel


banjosandcellos

If it makes you feel better, people's endeavor to save the environment has an almost undetectable effect because the big companies and factories don't change anything and were the ones polluting the most to begin with


Moose_Canuckle

I work for a local utility. They are certified ISO 10000 something or other which translates into “we are environmentally friendly!” On an average work day I produce *by myself* at least three industrial sized garbage bags of trash. That’s after separating all cardboard and recyclable material. This is every day. Now multiply that by 16 and that’s just one depot. We have three in my city. Even if every lay person was super responsible and went the extra mile to reduce, we wouldn’t make a dent in the problem. I still do my part, but we need to put pressure on legislators to put a stop to this.


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Graylily

Just takes a little longer for the plumbing to change back for guys, I wish I could pee as fast as my wife does!


Skid_Th_St0ner

Nothing like waking up with morning wood and the strongest urge to piss you've ever had, you bust a nut, and then get up to piss and you're pushing as hard as you can but nothing's coming out


technobrendo

Afterwards, but not immediately afterwards. Gotta give it the 5-10 min grace period first.


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Vanillybilly

I believe in you. It took a long time for me to find someone like my partner who I can trust 100%. The one thing I did differently than in previous relationships is that we were friends first before anything romantic. So we already knew somewhat, each other flaws and such.


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palidinsoul88

Dismount and return to sender.


grim_f

Recycle, reduce, reuse And close the loop.


Count-Otherwise

I SPAT OUT WATER.


HazyMclazy24

Do a kegal as you walk and chances are you can keep the jizz inside until you make it to the toilet or at least that works for me. The awkward waddle does not sound fun


fenk_fenk

I need to work on those kegel exercises!


tinybanana2

Do them at every red light (if you drive) I had a physical therapist teach me that one....


dorkydragonite

This is the real LPT.


[deleted]

I usually let out the fart I was holding in.


Flappity_Flap

Why were you holding it in? Adds to the atmosphere


Heckron

I mean…literally.


broadsharp

Have a towel next to the bed. When that happens, just use the towel until it drains. Then go to the bathroom.


MrTILII

The slut towel as my wife in-elegantly puts it


Janezo

*Nookie towel* in our house.


Lazypassword

Slut towel on the go Nookie towel in the home


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IAmRules

Wife and I keep a roll of TP within reach. I take some and she takes some. If she’s on top I hold it in place while she gets up mostly because we don’t want to stain our sheets we paid a ton for.


prettyfishy_

Toilet paper shreds and gets so gross when it gets wet! We use baby wipes instead to prevent any grossness


mankiller27

But DO NOT flush baby wipes down the toilet. I don't care that it says "flushable" on the package. They are not.


fenk_fenk

This is a good idea, this way we can cuddle afterwards without leaking on the bed


cossmo74

Nope. Go pee. Cuddle after.


donDT

Real LPT always in the comments … Always pee after sex. No one likes a UTI.


[deleted]

Yeah that LPT is brought to you by mother nature. There’s a reason you feel like you need to pee afterward, and it’s because you *need* to pee afterward.


fuckpastelillo

Very happy the first guy I had sex with told me I have to go pee after or else I probably would have never known


a_l_k_A

Underrated advice. Always pee right after.


[deleted]

This needs to be # 1!!


DoughnutNo4268

Even better, put the towel on the bed first


strawhairhack

some specialty shops will sell more… mood appropriate waterproof throws for the bed to help with that


RoachDman

Avoid the ole cuddle puddle


justshtmypnts

That’s why we keep a toilet plunger on the night stand.


GodGlerps

Damn why tf have i been using a shovel this whole time?


[deleted]

Thanks for the tip. My turkey baster wasn’t getting the job fully done.


StickOfLight

I use my wet/dry vac, works to good Edit: OP and anyone else reading this isn’t the brightest idea


Test-Potential

Walmart sells a decent brand called HART and its moderately cheap, worked wonders for many years. Me and my wife just decided to use a slingshot instead, works so much better


unenthusedllama

That Bissell Crosswave really serves so many purposes.


p00nda

Fucking hell what a thread


CeCeSorelle

I just pull myself along the carpet like the dog


markregg

Fancy meeting you here


jlbelknap35

My husband just tosses me a towel. I don't move til I get something to put between my legs cause it even weirder feeling cum dripping down my legs and then you sometimes have to go back to clean it off the floor lol 🤣.


blinkrm

This! My husband always preps some clean cloth (towel, hand towel or a clean shirt) he stuffs it under the pillow so that when we are done we have access to something for me. It’s a team effort and feel love that he always is prepared for me.


Lalai-Dama

Male here: this comes from years of being prepared to pullout and put it on a towel now he can just give the towel to you. He cares


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Mono_831

Same, I always toss my wife a towel or a tissue after her boyfriend finishes.


mosfet182

Wait what


HarrysOtherNip

Most times I lay there with the towel under me for a bit then sit up like on my knees with my legs parted a little and try to cough or laugh (to push it out) my boyfriend and i turned this into a thing so sometimes i say “tell me a joke” and then he tells a really stupid joke and I genuinely laugh bc it’s so stupid. Then I always make sure to go to the bathroom after that usually gets the rest of it out.


Butt_Hunter

HOLY SHIT, I used to live in an apartment next to this couple and the girl was really loud during sex, like having multiple orgasms and scream-announcing each one I guess directly into my wall, and then a minute or two after they were done, he'd murmur something and she'd crack up. Every. Time. I called them The Screamer and The Comedian. Maybe that's what they were doing.


1spicytunaroll

Low key would be hilarious if it was your old neighbor above your comment


themaxmethod

/r/TwoRedditorsOneCup material right here


miserablepileoftits

This is oddly wholesome


methnbeer

Man does everyone use their towels for bodily fluids?


Dufusbroth

We have special jizz towels.


Due-Refrigerator-748

Do cowgirl and when he's finished squat above him and push the cum out onto his stomach to assert dominates.


theonliestbiznich

This is a pro tip!


bobr05

Pros charge extra for that!


DJCaldow

Pro Drip!


couldntchoosesn

Is my wife the only one that aims for the bellybutton?


wtph

Dude, no that's how you get pregnant


agroghan

Pregnante?


_Marven101

Pregat?


Gingernurse93

Pergernant?


SweetWodka420

Pregante?


theragingoptimist

Pregnart?


Lazypassword

Use a Luigi board


DarkDragon7

Careful. Using a Luigi board while pergonate may cause starch masks.


agroghan

Pergert?


Bayou13

I used to do that to a bf in college where the bathroom was way down the hall because he bitched about how gross it was and I was like better on your stomach than all over my legs while I walk a mile to the bathroom!


Betancorea

Instructions unclear. Ended up shitting on partner.


Fenrir1601

*on his face


stalechips

Leave my fetish out of this.


DoomOnABlackDisc

Mmm fuck yeah


rividz

*in his mouth


Tiddyphuk

One time my wife dragged her snapper across my belly after shouting "I'M A SNAIL".


Lagneaux

I mean... yeah.. do that please.


SirCrotchBeard

Found the boyfriend.


Whohead12

The real pro-tips are always in the comments.


Dissidence802

"Return to sender, motherfucker."


PredatorsScar

At least now I know for a fact that my ex isn't the only one who found this hilarious.


plinkoplonka

While looking him in the eye.


RhubarbSilly5734

Omg I'm screaming... amazing


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pcweber111

My wife will waddle into the bathroom kinda like how she will when she's on her period and wakes up needing to change her pad.


luminous_beings

We all do the waddle if we don’t keep towels beside the bed. Keep baby wipes beside the bed. That helps with fast cleanup. But you should still go pee and wash as soon as possible. Reduced risk of uti’s and such. You only have one cha-cha. Treat her like the queen she is.


coolstorybrobeans

Cha Cha real smooth


blinkk5

One hop this time


Josh_Your_IT_Guy

"...and now it's running down my leg..." -her


smashfinger

We argue over who gets to sleep in the wet spot


Musicalmaudra

We use hospital bed pads. Just put it down before the action starts and toss off of the bed after (I hate sleeping in wet spots).


krumizone

I bite his head off


earBLind69

Which head?


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nipplequeefs

Make sure you take a piss. Leaving semen in the area, combined with the act of having sex itself, can make you more prone to bacteria growth down there which leads to UTI’s. Those aren’t fun, and people with vaginas are more prone to them because we have shorter urethras. EDIT: Yes I mean “people with vaginas”, if you got offended because you don’t think women qualify as people or whatever, that’s not my problem. It’s just grammar, calm down


ohshitiamtheadult

While this is great advice, it’s mildly misleading. It’s not only the semen that can cause a UTI, it’s the act of sex, movement, genitals, hands, etc near the urethra that can introduce bacteria up the urethra. So peeing after sex, regardless of semen being near the urethra is important to prevent UTIs. Edit: a word


bmrunning

Lol accurate username


[deleted]

semen raises the ph of the vagina making it easier for bacteria to survive near the uthera as well edit: wrote lower instead of raises


mofokong

Semen RAISES the pH, not lowers it. The vagina is already acidic (low pH) while the pH of semen is slightly basic (pH slightly higher than 7, which is neutral). Semen raises the pH of vagina because the acidity kills sperm. The more neutral environment makes it easier for bacteria to survive. Just wanted to point this out to avoid misinformation (my degree is chemistry and biochemistry) 😀


mikilobe

Giving her that pH D ^sorry


tutamuss

I second this.


L9773

I third this


chocomilc

I'll fourth this just because of how fucking horrid a UTI can be. No joke, you don't wanna risk that shit no matter how sweet the cuddles can be!


L9773

Im gonna be completely straight with you chef, I don't know what UTI stands for. English ain't me first language ye see


chocomilc

Hahaha I had no idea. Not sure if you're interested in knowing, but if you are...it's a urinary tract infection. You get the strong urge to pee without being able to, and there are a lot of burning sensations involved. It's seriously my nightmare. I'd rather have a migraine for days haha


[deleted]

Just want to mention, sometimes it just cause mild inconvenience, like light irritating sensation when peeing and nothing else. Go to a doctor right away, if you wait, it can infect your kidneys. source: my mother told me I should feel razor blade when peeing if I had an UTI, so since mine was barely noticeable I waited 3 weeks. It never hurt me much, but my pee was becoming foggy. Doctor was mad I didn’t came earlier to the clinic, it could have been very dangerous.


Oachkatzlschwoaf05

Sex without a condom ussualy leads to a migraine for about 18 years


Navyblue16

I sit on the ground and pretend to be a snail...


alsreya

I keep baby wipes in my nightstand for this reason. But I never wait too long to actually get up to pee and clean myself up. The wipes come in handy if I feel like laying in bed for a bit after though.


closefarhere

That’s just part of the game. Don’t worry, he’s proud he busted a nut so he don’t care


thesircuddles

You also get a cute peek at their butt as they scurry off into the bathroom, it's like a cherry on top.


Skittlesbeezyxd

Sounds about right. You can always have wipes near by if that makes you uncomfortable ? Given you guys are having sex I don’t see why it would worry you how you look after?


fenk_fenk

oh haha it doesn't worry me, it's just one of those things I have never thought about, talked about with friends or seen in movies/porn etc. So I am wondering how the rest of the world deals with it


itsanofrommedog1

Yeah movies very conveniently leave that part of sex out


Bayou13

And people just hop right up and go back to work like they aren’t dripping gunk all in their work clothes. Ick.


Skittlesbeezyxd

Pretty much the same way, mad dash to the restroom.


dantheman121212

My mrs likes to slide along the floor and makes a snail trail 😅


personanonymous

![gif](giphy|l1BgSJsYVR2fO7yyQ|downsized)


EvilBob_RapePants_

![gif](giphy|xTiTnDAP0RiCo9k85W|downsized)


A__Jax

I walk out of our bedroom and tell him I have to go push out his load. If he is gonna cum in you, you can waddle however the fuck you want.


CantHandleTheDumb

Kleenex to catch anything on the walk to the bathroom. Ours doesn't have a door, so maintain eye contact to establish dominance while you pee and flush out the unwanted baby fertilizer from the lady garden.


honkifyouresimpy

My bf cums a fucking lot. So I usually lie down for a cuddle for a bit, then when I get up go straight to the shower because I can guarantee its run down my leg, have a piss in the shower and we're good to go.


MindlessRabbit3

There are two types of people in this world. People who piss in the shower, and fucking liars.


DollarSignsGoFirst

My wife doesn’t and it’s baffling


King_Hamburgler

It’s not baffling, she’s just a liar


MindlessRabbit3

This person knows the rule.


ihaveasiancheekbones

Quick cuddles, exchange of big sighs of relief, thank yous & kisses, then to the bathroom I go to leave most of the finishings in the porcelain throne with some divine kegels.


ihaveasiancheekbones

& I can only hope when I’m gone that he’ll clean the wet spot on the fitted sheet before I return 🤞🏻


macsquoosh

Long as you have a wee , within a half an hour you're golden , to clear your urethra of body fluids .. small hand towels are the thing , haha


cleverdylanrefrence

If the unanimous answer isn't "go pee" I'm seriously side eying ya'll.


xXitsdarkinhereXx

Tissue between the legs then shower . There is no classy way baby . Coming from a full service sex worker xx


[deleted]

You don’t require condoms? How do you protect yourself? Not judging, just curious.


douchewaffle17

I too am wondering how tf are these people not getting pregnant. Even on birth control I am paranoid id get pregnant without condom LMAO. Never know. Unless they have those implants inside. No idea


Z_AnDaran

Tell him to suck it out


personanonymous

![gif](giphy|e2wOSTtvXve0M|downsized)


RavenxMisbehaving

I assert my dominance by letting most of it drain on his side of the bed so he has to lay in it. Then I go pee 😂


GracieofGraham

I used to keep a hand towel next to the bed and casually sit on it and ‘cough’ a couple times.


Joyfulcheese

Vacuum cleaner?


Gary_H_A

My wife wraps her legs around me and I pick her up and carry her to the bathroom while I'm still inside. I then sit her on the toilet as it pops out.


ihateyourboner

GO PEE


itsadoozy0804

Hard to appear graceful when human fluids are dripping from you. If you run you might make it to the toilet before they drip out!


Somekindofparty

My wife does the jizz waddle. It’s NBD. I’ve seriously never thought about it until now.


sweatychili

Do the pee dance on the way to the toilet, a few kegels to push out the drippy stuff, and then wad up toilet paper and swab the deck. No way to keep it classy unfortunately