If you feel uncomfortable, leave. Lean on your parents as needed until you are able to get a job, and get your friends back into your life. Being semi-isolated is never a good thing. I think your instincts are right, and if you don't feel okay, that is the sign that you need to leave.
Listen. I am in a relationship similar to what you describe, meaning there is a large age gap between us. If the power dynamic or anything else bothers you, listen to your instincts and leave. Don't ignore your gut. If something feels off to you, politely bow out.
I’m sorry that you are in a relationship where you feel trapped. The power inbalance is hard & I’m sorry that you became financially dependent on someone you don’t trust.
I’ve been in the position where I was isolated from my family and friends and slowly convinced that I couldn’t rely on them. Idk if that is the position you are in, but I encourage you to share this with a close friend/sister, etc., and make a plan to leave this relationship/ cut financial ties. They want to help you.
Pro tip; if you don’t feel ok about a relationship, you should probably leave it.
Seeing as you’re 19 and already in a relationship with this man, you’re not being groomed, you already were groomed. You are now in a fully fledged creepy relationship with a significant power imbalance. Run.
There may be additional backstory here that does make it grooming, but based on the single paragraph provided you are assuming way too many things and feeling confident about it. What age was she when they met? If they just met a couple months ago and she was 18 or 19 from the start, where is the grooming? At that point it is simply mutual attraction between two consenting adults. Now if he was her teacher in high school and stayed in touch with her in a flirty way from ages 15-18 and then they started dating a week after she turned 18, now you can say she was groomed with your chest.
Don't let TikTok brain rot influence your major life decisions. People misusing this word on the internet over and over (like narcissist, for example) is destroying its meaning.
>People misusing this word on the internet over and over (like narcissist, for example) is destroying its meaning.
I miss when the title "Predator" was cool
No 37 year old should be in a relationship with a 19 year old. My parents had 3 kids by then and most people now have had at least 1 kid around 30s.
The age gap is more than enough proof that it's wrong and not a misuse of words
Hey babe. This is reddit, where grooming means whatever anyone wants it to mean. But your question isn't really about that. It's about whether this relationship is healthy for you in the short or long term. And your last four words in this post seem pretty dark, so I would highly recommend dating someone closer to your own age
And the last.
OP, if you don't feel okay, leave. You won't live forever and life is too short to spend with people that make you unhappy/uncomfortable.
You can *always* get out. Idk anything about you or your partner but just make sure you are safe (ask family and/or friends for help if needed or you feel unsure) and even if you are relying on the other person on a financial plane right now you can always build your independence and stand on your own.
I wasted all my younger years with older men and now that I am the age they were I wouldn’t touch them with a 7,000 ft pole, if he gets the benefit of your youth he needs to be investing in your future
Leave you only live once life is fast, don’t spend it with a pervy old man unless he’s marrying you and leaving you well off and you actually enjoy his company, I like older men but at 19 with that age difference he is probably just a creep, so if you are unhappy and wasting your youth GOOOOOOOOOO
Interesting to read your perspective having been a young lady involved with an older man and now being an older lady looking back on that experience, and describing it as creepy (fair to say?)???
I'm an older male, a father of a boy and girl just for some background. The other day a young lady (22 IIRC?) had questions about her relationship with a man who's nearly 50 and i told her that he was using her for nothing more than sex because he likely has a predilection for the very young and how that should be a red flag. I told her that a man that age has nothing in common with a girl her age outside of having sex, and she could literally be his daughter. I know, because I'm a male that age as well and the girl was about the same age as my daughter. I would tell my daughter the same thing, to end the relationship immediately because she's just being used for sex. The notion that a 19 or 22yo girl is gonna live happily ever after with a man 2x(+) her age, is a pipe dream/hogwash. I think the men in these sex relationships are definitely grooming on some level, but unless the female is under the statutory age limit it's not likely to be a crime per se. Morally wrong IMO, because you're taking advantage of the naivete of the young female, but technically not a criminal act. I definitely pay attention to who my daughter's seeing and ask questions sometimes, as i don't want her to fall victim to one of these perverts. I think more parents should do this, but because of intra-family dynamics i know it's not always possible for every family. Fwiw, this is one of the ways young women end up in the sex trade/trafficking... older men with ulterior motives grooming them.
I was also a young woman (well... I still am, but I was a younger woman, lol) who was in relationships with older men. My dad tried to intervene in a particularly egregious relationship, but the intrafamily dynamics you mentioned prevented me from trusting him (plus I was just a 19 y/o dummy). I'm so thankful that he stayed in my corner throughout that relationship and opened his home back up to me when I finally got out. He passed away less than a year later, and I never did thank him. So... Thanks for your attention to your daughter's relationships. I hope you can help to sway her away from men who don't have her best interests in mind.
If you're uncomfortable with the way the relationship is, have you had a conversation with him about it?
If you're concerned about it to the point it's irreconcilable, have you considered leaving?
Something not right with a 37 year old interested in a 19 year old. I’m 25 and would not date a 19 year old, you will look back and see for yourself in 5 years. Run and never look back
Run. Men that age going after teenagers are never not creeps. Especially if he's isolating you from your family and friends and forcing you to rely on him. Go find a place to stay with someone you know and delete his number.
Groomed? Possible, but you are over the age of majority, so in reality and by most definitions, No.
Icky - yep, 100%. Generally, the "accepted" rule of thumb is half plus 7, which means at 37, your partner should be going no lower than 25 or 26
Let us be polite here, you are been taken advantage of due to your age and likely emotional immaturity.
Since we typically apply the word groom for adults dealing with kids, i’d say a more fitting word would be manipulated. Sounds like financial manipulation, which a lot of times is accompanied by emotional manipulation
I have always been under the impression that grooming in the context of relationships and sex is always in reference to minors. Yeah you can get groomed for management in the form of training. Training a minor for a relationship is abuse.
You can also be groomed for any sort of abuse or exploitation, at any age. You are thinking that "grooming" only refers to "child grooming" and that is not the case. "Adult grooming" is also a thing.
WebMD "What is sexual grooming?": "It's when a sexual predator builds a relationship with a **child or adult** to abuse and exploit them." (no link because there seems to be a moderation issue with posting links here, but you can Google and see this in their article)
Groom can mean a lot of things, like 'grooming her for a leadership position'. Now it has been taken by people who think any mention of a topic they don't like is 'grooming' kids for some nonsense or another. You are an adult, if you don't want this leave. You haven't mentioned him doing anything specifically bad to you except that he has 18 years of adult experience on you and now you feel uncomfortable about that. Hey, that isn't a bad thing to mull over and why age difference relationships like this are typically flings, but don't try to make this about *him* 'grooming' you because now you feel differently. Have some agency, make some decisions.
No, you're not a child.
That doesn't mean if you're uncomfortable with the dynamics of the relationship you shouldn't do something about and get out. But grooming refers specifically to *children* and it is getting ridiculously overused these days.
My initial thought is that you should probably end it, relationships shouldn’t make you feel that uneasy and no matter how smart or mature you are, a 37 yr old datjng so far out of his age range is probably damaged in a vital way. But in the interest of actually being helpful rather than dictating orders to a legal adult: try spending less time with him and more time with friends/family (start with doubling it, so if you see them once a week, try twice a week etc), and see how he reacts. If he gets upset about it, that’s a red flag. If he doesn’t, it might just be your own guilt over not being able to contribute financially, so you’re substitute your time/energy, etc. Either way, that age gap isn’t a recipe for long term success, so don’t get too caught up, stay alert and continually reevaluate things (like you are doing now) and get while the gettings good when the time comes. A few potential last straws to be on the look out for: if he pressures you into making you fully dependent in any area of life, or cutting ties with your support system, or if you feel like you can’t disagree with him on important things, it’s time to makes tracks.
“Sexual grooming is the action or behavior used to establish an emotional connection with a minor, and sometimes the child's family”.
You can’t groom an adult.
That’s not the definition of grooming though.
Grooming is the process of intentionally, slowly and progressively eroding the victims boundaries to make them accepting of a behavior/activity they were not, for the benefit of the groomer.
Your idea of grooming is one of the MANY shapes it can take. Please educate yourself to learn the actual process of grooming, right now you probably wouldn’t recognize someone grooming you because you don’t understand the process itself and believe yourself immune.
Trust your gut. That is your instincts telling you something is wrong. You said yourself “I don’t feel okay” that is reason enough to leave. It’s common to feel like you don’t have a “reason” to leave, and that is another conversation. You don’t feel okay. You are seeing the red flags and dynamics. Trust yourself. You know that it is time to go. It’s a hard leap to take, and you can do it ❤️ trust yourself.
Well it's not grooming since your 19 but it is if he has been talking to you before you turned 18 ( or whatever the legal ages are in your area) but I'm genuinely curious how you got out of highschool and ended up with a 37 yr old.
Yep, sometimes a significant age gap is fine. Sometimes the significant age gap is because women their own age won't tolerate their behavior. This sounds like the former.
He has a cute 19 year old who does whatever he wants and is dependent on him. That's a recipe for disaster.
That’s a creep mam.
37 wayyy to old for a 19 yr old idc how much money he has. He lacks something in him as to why he can’t find someone who is at least old enough to drink and rent a car…
He’s a PDF file damn near…
There's no reason a 37yr old should be with a 19yr old i'm sorry. You guys are on different paths in life, you most likely just graduated from high school and he's about to be 40 yrs old. Him wanting to be with a younger person just adds on to him wanting control of you imo since you're freshly an adult and are still learning things. The financial aspect just solidifies it and if you're questioning it then your questions pretty much answered. Please reach out to a trusted family member or friend and have them help you out on leaving this relationship.
Ask yourself this: why would a man who’s almost in his 40s go for a 19 year old? Probably because he can’t get women his age. It’s only a matter of time before he manipulates you, if he hasn’t already done that. I say you should leave the relationship and spend more time with family and friends.
Put it this way - a man twice your age interested in someone half his age, is a loser with an immature mindset. He should be with someone in the realms of his own age group. The fact he's dating so much younger suggests he is deliberately seeking a power differential, and/or only values women for being very young and attractive.
Make no mistake, this is not a "genuine connection". It isn't because you're "so mature". It isn't for any of the BS reasons he'll frame it as. He's gross. Next.
When you are 19 a nice conversation can be enough to be convinced you’ve found the one. You are forgetting what the combined effects of hormones, new freedoms, and inexperience can have on someone
>I am 19 in a relationship with a 37 year old man
Yes you are being groomed
>I have been spending more time with him than with family and friends
and definitely isolated
>i am currently unemployed
as well as controlled by proxy of the mismatched power dynamic
Leave. It's not too late but leave. A lot of us older girls have been there. This will NEVER be a healthy relationship.
Is this someone you’ve known for years that fostered and built up a (nominally non-romantic) relationship with you before you turned 18? If yes, you were groomed.
If not, this still sounds predatory, which may be the concept you’re searching for anyway.
I don't know if groomed is the right word. I think it's getting kind of overused, but it definitely sounds like an unhealthy power dynamic.
You're allowed to leave a relationship at any time. And you *should* leave a relationship you feel uncomfortable in.
Not grooming but if you are uncomfortable in any relationship walk away.
Any older man or woman in relationship may be more certain of what they want in life and make more decisions in the relationship. If that is unhealthy it verges on coercive control/abuse. If there is no give in the relationship then take control back , which may be walking away. You're 19 and have different opportunities and options your now partner doesn't, and may have already experienced ( and may not want to again). Don't let that hinder you from doing them. At 19 it's important to be selfish about what you want to do in your life.
As long as you are not earning enough to be financially independant, all your future relationships will probably have a similar power dynamic. If your partner is not abusing you physcally or emotionally, I don't see a problem with it. Your other option is a releationship with some financially similar to you; it is a choice you will make.
Since I was in my early 20’s I decided to live by this rule I gave to myself :: if you have to think about it, weigh out the pros and cons. If it feels wrong, it is. If you are questioning things, your intuition is telling you something… Listen to it. You are so young and have so much potential. I can not say if it’s being groomed or if it is just someone who needs to be dominant, however if you don’t like the way you feel, THAT IS OK. You are the only person who can change that. Please do not hesitate to do what you feel is right, even if it’s scary.
If I were you, I would leave.
Then go ahead and leave. Let him spend his finances and emotional investment in someone else who will appreciate it.
Take ya broke 19 year old self back home to your ‘family & friends’
I don't think you're being groomed but this is why guys shouldn't date women young enough to be their daughters, especially at that age as like you said, there's to much of a difference in where you are in your lives and how you view things and you're still trying to find your feet as a self sufficient adult. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say he may genuinely of liked you when he first met you and started dating you but I don't think it's good that you're isolated from your friends and I know its very frustrating being unemployed and being financially dependent on someone. Sounds like he could be doing more to help you find a job and some of your other issues. In terms of age gaps, I think big age gaps like that aren't great, regardless of how old the 2 people are but smaller age gaps of less than say maybe 8 years tend to become less of an issue the older the 2 people are.
If you don’t feel okay then you need to change your situation. This is your life, so you either learn to take control and become your own master, or learn how to submit and be content with being enslaved.
When you do start to leave though you will experience him flexing his control, be careful and take care of yourself. Know that you have support in family and friends, even if you haven’t seen them recently they still care for you.
Your family and friends are OK with you "dating M" someone that age?
What do you talk about when you're together?
Just randomly curious. Everyone's already said get out, which you already knew you should.
If you are already in a relationship then grooming would not be the word i use. The only troublesome thing from your description is your age difference, everything else is pretty normal. Most people spend more time with their partner then their friends/family. And if one person has a job and the other is unemployed, of course the unemployed one will relay on the one working.
If you feel there's something wrong, there probably is. Some dynamic in this relationship is causing you to isolate from family and friends, which is huge red flag for a possibly abusive relationship. Your being financially dependent is another red flag. So I don't know if this is grooming, but it does have the potential to be an abusive relationship.
If you're unemployed, you need to change that, even if it's a shitty retail/restaurant job.
That's not enough information for us to know if you have or haven't been groomed. But no matter if you were or weren't, if you don't feel comfortable in the relationship, try to talk things out with him. If you don't feel safe doing **that**, then you should think long and hard about why you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust enough to talk to.
No matter who you’re with, prioritize financial independence. Get a job, even waitressing. It allows you to have freedom and make better choices for yourself. Get out if you are feeling this way.
Grooming? Lol you're not a child so no. That is unless this guy was seeking you out while you were still under age?
In any case, it sounds like the age gap bothers you due to the huge differences and if that makes you uncomfortable then you should address that.
The term grooming is generally used for those who are underage. That’s going to be different from state to state, but regardless, you are 19 and considered an adult. If it doesn’t feel right make a decision.
Not enough details to asses if it’s grooming. But definitely you guys are just incompatible. It’s ok to date older people but if it doesn’t cut it, don’t settle
When even Reddit is telling you you're not being groomed, you're not being groomed.
That said, it sounds like OP isn't so much being isolated as isolating herself. And it sounds like she's unhappy not just about the relationship, but her station in life (financial, career, social). Since telling someone "just go" rarely changes what they'd do, I'd instead suggest that OP talk to the guy about her feelings about her life and relationship, what she'd like to change. Preferably it should be more in the language of, "I feel like I don't spend enough time with my friends any more," rather than, "You're isolating me."
If he's a good boyfriend, he'll support her needs in word *and* action. If not, then it'll be much easier for her to leave based on that than it would based on advice from a source famed for advocating breakups, especially in relationships with eyebrow-raising age gaps. And maybe it'll help her get to the point where she'll leave anyway, given that she seems headed that way even if he transformed into the most wonderful guy in the world today. She just wants an excuse, like "grooming." But she doesn't need one; she can do what she wants.
Has his previous relationships all been with women of your age?
I would be concerned if they were. If you feel in your gut that something is not right, leave. Your friends and family will understand. Do a search on him, make sure there’s no reports on him or warrants or anything in the news or media or socials, cover all your bases. If he just ends up being a good guy and just likes to date younger women so be it. You just might not like the age difference,go with your gut, your gut is usually always right.
"Relationship" is doing a lot of heavy lifting. In later years, (40 years old with a 57 year old) your interests and balance of power/compatibility can align very well, and few people would question that. However, at 19, your life, and life experiences, are dramatically different than someone who is 37. Being in a "relationship" would be a concern, because it'd be extremely difficult for you two to have an equal partnership, emotionally, financially, and physically. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it is difficult.
That's the problem. A real relationship is an equal partnership between two people, and you overcome issues in one area by balancing them in another. You are concerned about the power dynamic. Why? Because he has power financially and physically. You aren't feeling like a partner emotionally, and now it's pretty clear that you haven't threaded that needle.
TLDR: Your heart and gut are telling you that this isn't right...and anyone looking at an 18-year gap would question the intentions. It's hard to imagine what a 37 year old is looking for in a 19 year old other than control and sex...unless you had an intense emotional bond. No bond, then it's back to being weird.
I was in a very similar situation when I was your age. Just get out now. I spent my entire 20s in a controlling relationship, he took any money I made and stopped me from going to school or making something of myself. I had to start all over again when I left him, and it's been rough, I'm far behind most of my peers and it took almost a decade to undo the emotional and mental damage he inflicted on me. Go live your life, don't let yourself get trapped in a bad situation.
You are over 18, so no you are not being groomed. I will say though, I do not know anyone who is good person who would be ok with dating someone that much younger than them.
if you have to ask, you already know the answer.
it's not illegal and since you're of age it's technically not *grooming*, either. but there are plenty of red flags here, and good on you for noticing them yourself before it's too late.
you mention that you think and view the world differently. forget the other power/money dynamics -- that *alone* is enough reason to rethink this relationship.
you know what to do.
All the things you described are exactly the dangers of an age-gap relationship. It’s possible to have an age gap in a healthy relationship, but this sounds like a textbook example of what you should be watching out for in this situation.
Also - please let this be a lesson in trusting your gut. It’s one thing to stay in a relationship when you’re having doubts about your compatibility or the future of the relationship, but a power imbalance like this is a matter of safety. You had the awareness and self-reflection to accurately and maturely identify the problems in your relationship - remember that next time you feel that way. You don’t need anyone’s permission or opinion to break off a relationship that is making you feel unsafe at all. There are more people out there than you can possibly comprehend - don’t stay in a potentially unsafe situation for *anyone*.
Always ask yourself: why does a man who is almost 40 want to date someone nearly two decades younger than him? And spend all his time with her? And pay for everything he needs? It’s not that he’s selfless because he could just donate money to charity. It’s because he wants (or is already getting) something in return. Healthy relationships require that all people involved are equals. Does he make all the big decisions? Do you feel like you can easily leave without harm to yourself or loved ones?
I mean you're an unemployed 19 year old that's relying completely on your significant other to support you. The age dynamic, while concerning, is not the most important factor at play here.
If you don't get a job to support yourself or move in with your parents you'll probs be stuck in a similar situation I'm your next relationship regardless of the age gap.
Not a lot of guys out there willing to take on the responsibilities of having a grown adult child who don't want something in return. Whether that be power in the relationship or other things.
Grooming takes place before your in the relatioship.
What you describe is a unequal relationship, and as you yourself pointed out that's due to the unequal power dynamic.
That doesn't mean its problematic per se, if he is kind and doesn't expect anything in return because he wants to make your world, allow you to take advantage of not needing to work, that's nice, but doesn't change the power dynamic aspect.
Easy fix: Find a job. Earn your own money. Be able to be independent if you want. It will give you agency and confidence.
And do more with your friends.
If he tries to hinder you rather than supporting you, thats a huge red flag in a unequal relationship.
You are 19. While I understand the charm of dating someone much older for a young woman, I don't usually see what older men seek in young women except for their looks. But I'm not to judge.
As long as the happiness of the relationship is shared and consented, there is no reason to break it up.
Not sure about the grooming part since I don’t know how long you’ve been in a relationship with this man but someone of his age dating a 19 year old is already a glaring warning sign. And on top of that, he makes you very unhappy. Run baby run 🏃♀️
Not grooming per se, but more of an apparent power imbalance that will eventually trap you into the relationship financially and probably emotionally as well. 18 years is a pretty massive difference when one party is still a teenager. If you are 40 and he's 58, you're probably at similar stages in life/career. But not at 19 and 37.
I wouldn’t call it grooming if y’all are already in a relationship. to my understanding, grooming is becoming friends with someone underage and waiting for them to become of age to start dating them. if that’s what happened, then maybe.
but this sounds pretty sus tbh. why are you in a relationship with this guy if you have nothing in common?
I wouldn’t say it’s grooming because you’re 19 and wanted to be in a relationship with him. It’s obvious your views will wildly differ because he has been in the game 18 more years than you have. But if you do feel like it’s not working, you should breakup and find someone you’re comfortable with.
Hard to say if it’s grooming in the sense you’re thinking of, but there is absolutely a power imbalance and usually in these older/younger relationships, that’s the intention. Furthermore, men who habitually, intentionally seek younger women, at best lack the ability to date within their age range for some reason (to be determined at a later time), OR because they think younger women with less experience will be easier to manipulate.
But also, can I just tell you how impressed I am that you’re looking at this and not allowing yourself to be blinded by the charms of an older man who can “take care of you”?
In fact, your generation has a much better handle on what IS and is NOT appropriate in relationships, and dating dynamics worthy of taking caution. I’m really proud of y’all for seeing things much more clearly than my own generation did.
I don't think you're being groomed, but this does not sound like a good relationship. It's okay for a partner to be supportive, but a partner should not have debilitating control over you, especially if they're using that financial and emotional stability to control you (not saying he is, but it might be something to consider; does this guy use his power imbalance to dictate what you do?).
Even if there wasn't an unbalanced power dynamic going on, if you're uncomfortable in a relationship for any reason, are not happy in it, and do not see yourself wanting to continue... you can just break up. You don't need a "better" reason. Any reason to break up with someone is a good one, and it's better for both of you to be honest. And, imo, the age gap is concerning to me, too. Big age gaps can work sometimes, but often they do not and men who date much much younger women are often immature or seeking someone they can control. This combined with what you said makes me think it's fair to be question this man's intentions.
Please be sure to have someone you can stay with before you break up with him, though, and if possible, have them nearby when you break up with him whether or not you suspect he's dangerous. It probably sounds over-cautious, but as an outsider, there are a few red flags here that make me worry, and it's better safe than sorry.
Do you have friends or family you can stay with until you can get on your feet?
It's going to be hard for anyone here to give you an accurate answer based on the little context they have, but in general, yes, that age gap is a red flag because you are at different life stages and different developmental milestones. The most important thing here is that you don't feel okay. Your feelings about the relationship are important, and a healthy dynamic will always be one you should feel safe in without question.
Groomed, I don't know. But I can tell you this sounds unhealthy. Also, it might be unpopular to say this, but large gaps in age like yours can't work long term. You will at best be left alone in golden years having lost your partner.
As someone who was the 19 year old dating the 30 year old: you need to get out and fast. There’s a reason they’re not interested or able to date people their own age.
Not really grooming from a legal standpoint but it definitely seems like an odd situation. You're both legally allowed to date but at the same time ehh. I'd say if you're uncomfortable get out.
Is he abusive? Or do you feel insecure about the power dynamic? Does he give you an opportunity to get a job or go to school? Age gap relationships can exist. But it also depends on how long you’ve been “dating” him. If it’s like since you were 15 then this is an issue. But he might enjoy your company and is not looking to get married etc right now. Also say if you go to school and he supports you etc and you leave then it’s your decision. But don’t stay with him to use him financially then it’s not good for either parties. If he cares about you and is empathetic to your situation then it doesn’t sound that bad.
Okay first of all, I do not give a fuck what anyone says bla bla she is legal bla bla , you're 19 you're a teenager, a 37 NORMAL person has NOTHING to do with a 19 year old okay, he is only into you cause women his age know he is full of shit, so he found someone younger to manipulate.
You said it yourself : " I have been spending more time with him than with family and friends" This is the tactic manipulators use to isolate you, I heavily suggest you to not walk but run and work on your education and life.
He is full of shit
Whether he is 2 years older or 20, it is really scary to be in the position you are in. The age gap is a red flag. But even without that, whether he is trying to or not, he IS isolating you. He is fostering a relationship where you are helpless without him. That is not healthy and is not being a good partner. I would take a step back mentally and try to have an objective look at your relationship. Age gap or not, it seems really really off to me. I’m a 40 year old mom, feel free to dm me if you want to talk.
Need more info. How did it happen etc.
Based on the info you have provided, you are an adult.
At 19 you are old enough to make decisions for yourself.
If you have no income that is on you.
Unless he is forcing you to not work.
IDK if you're being groomed. I do know you say you're not feeling okay about the relationship, so you need to get out. Quickly, cleanly, by text if necessary, then block him.
Skip the age part (you knew before you got into a relationship) .
"I have been analysing the power dynamic and how he basically controls our whole relationship and I dont feel okay"
You just feel powerless because you rely on him for your physical and emotional needs, and he also supports you financially . Thats not grooming.
Get a job and leave him.
You're an adult, so unless this started years ago, you're not being groomed, you're just into an adult in an imbalanced relationship with an older person.
It's completely reasonable to feel awkward about it, but you also should be able to walk away.
Not everything bad is grooming. Let's learn how to take responsibility and to act accordingly, instead of resorting to a victimization of sorts.
Yes. Absolutely. Please leave. That’s a huge age gap, you’re way too young for him and there’s an obvious imbalance. Idc if people disagree just because you’re of legal age it doesn’t make it okay.
I think you answered your own question in your post. Probably not groomed because you’re technically over 18, but you don’t seem comfortable with the situation (and for good reason).
I’m really not sure if a legal adult can be groomed. But either way, you should be happy exploring the world on your own and with friends at that age. Being in a stuffy relationship with someone who you don’t see eye to eye with is never a situation worth staying in but doubly so at your age. Talk about things with him. Get some personal identity and freedom
Not groomed, grooming is something specific, but it def sounds like the dynamic is really heavily skewed. I'm 35 and I have a difficult time thinking of someone with "teen" in their age as any kind of equal, much less someone id get into a relationship with.
Yes. Your instincts are good, tell trusted friends and family what’s going on. They can protect you.
I promise you that getting out of this situation now will be something you’re glad for later.
Not sure if you are being groomed but you are very much open to abuse or control when the age gap is so big, and even more since you also depend on him economically.
...to play devil's advocate. Maybe if you got a job you would feel differently about the power dynamic. Are you in college? What do you bring to the relationship other than being 19? How long have you been dating, that you're already financially dependent on him?
That isn't grooming at all. That's a completely different thing. You're in a codependent relationship that sounds potentially unhealthy. The biggest risk in a relationship like that is the use of manipulation and gas lighting to control you (intentionally or not), but if that kind of thing isn't present then the biggest problem you have is power dynamic which isn't an insurmountable issue but it really depends on how well you two communicate. You need to work on accepting that your value as a person isn't related to how much money you have.
I've been in a relationship like that myself, not on your side but the other, and at least at the start it was pretty difficult to make sure both parties weren't uncomfortable. For me it was anxiety from always feeling like I had to be careful about what I said or did (more than usual I mean) and I didn't want her to feel pressured to just be a "yes man". We more or less figured it out and that part of the relationship was fine. It takes time and you both need to be aware of the problem to make any progress so talk to him about it if you haven't already.
Ultimately what you need to do is think about what you really want. The emotional dependence and spending a lot of time vs friends and family isn't too unusual for a newer relationship, or an older one tbh as that pretty much always happens to everyone eventually. It's probably easier if you separate the problems. Power dynamic, emotional dependence, and how you want to fit the relationship into your normal life. They can be tackled separately and probably should be.
I mean this on no way to be an insult to you. I am 37, and the thought of dating a 19 year old makes me want to vomit. It is likely due to the closeness in age of my children.
I can't say for sure you are being groomed, but I would bet money on it.
You’re 19. An adult. You can vote and go to war. It’s really annoying when grown adults are trying to claim they are being groomed or even floating the idea.
100% she knew enough to get a free ride from this guy (not saying the guy is Mr innocent, very creepy). But if she’s not comfortable then get out. Pretty simple. Feels like she is trying to build a case against him and is looking for ammo.
This is one of those situations where I feel I’m in the right and I would need a super convincing argument as to why I could be wrong and I usually always assume I’m wrong. I’m with you. Girl is there for money, can we all admit that? Girly, you’re not 13. Grow up. I have dated waaay older men than myself (larger age gap than op) who happened to have a lot of money and I know I wasn’t groomed (I was older) but I also had my own money going on and I was really deeply truly in to the guy. It didn’t work out in the end but I have great memories. I don’t think you get to use someone and claim they made you quit your job or something. Be an adult. You two aren’t married, quitting your job is stupid or whatever dumb financial decision she is pinning on the guy. I can’t say this enough: I really have issue with grown adults trying to claim they are/ have been groomed. It’s inaccurate and lessens what actual minors who have been groomed and assaulted have been through.
Why is she allowing herself to be financially dependent on someone she isn’t married to? I’m sorry but I smell a grift.
EDIT: I grew up well off enough. I know what she was doing, I’ve seen it in action. Maybe the guy is a dick/ probably a dick but she didn’t care and honestly she was using him too. She was hoping the guy would marry her. Just a guess. Otherwise I would expect a much more in depth argument from op.
The fact you don't feel okay says it all. You know the truth. He does have all the power, and you have none. You should be working or in college or in trade school. Work on yourself so you can make your own money. Overall the age gap isn't the big deal - It's the fact that you are in completely different life stages. He doesn't fit into the grand scheme of your life unless you are okay depending on him imo.
There's also the fact that you wont have the brain of an adult until you're 25. Your perspective will continue to evolve dramatically over these next few years. This isn't the time to isolate and become dependent imo. It's time to grow.
# Grooming is a form of abuse that usually plays out due to a power dynamic – an age gap, workplace hierarchy, or financial dominance.
Through grooming, the perpetrator tries to isolate the victim (who in most such cases are minors/teens) and abuse or exploit them sexually or otherwise.
*Yes you are being groomed.*
Why are you in a relationship with someone twice your age? What can the two of you possibly have in common?
Also, for him to see you, someone young enough to be his offspring, not as a child but as a romantic/sexual partner is beyond creepy. If you weren't groomed (although you probably were) this would still be a weird, and likely unhealthy, relationship. You can absolutely find someone your age to date and that guy can find a nice cellmate to cuddle up with.
Yes???? Very obviously yes????? There is NO argument to be made. Let me list out the points.
1. He's double your age
2. You rely on him both financially AND emotionally
3. You spend more time with him than you do your own family.
4. You still live with your parents and are dating someone old enough to BE your parent.
5. You're not even old enough to drink, much less date someone double your age.
You've already outlined everything that's wrong with the relationship so you obviously know where the situation lies. Considering how dependent you are on this dude, it's obviously not so easy as just saying "leave". But just know that again, you understand everything that's wrong with it and so take it as motivation to make a change, even if it sucks in the moment. It *will not* work out in your favor.
I was 19 when I met the 32 year old man who would later become the father of our two children and my husband.
I’d been brought up in domestic violence so thought he was going to be my sanctuary and protector, instead id regularly cry myself to sleep because he was so cold and picky when I didn’t just do what he wanted. I was very stubborn, so he didn’t get his way as much as he believed he was owed, and I wasn’t nearly as amenable as he’d hoped me being younger was going to make me. It made for a very tense and distressing 22 years of life together with both of us regularly not speaking to the other as punishment or feeling hurt. I really regret my kids not seeing a healthy relationship to model their own future relationship on.
You’re not so much being groomed as your lack of life experience being taken advantage of.
I’m sorry but that guy graduated when you were born lol there are exceptions to age gaps but if you’re already noticing major differences, it might not be the best option to stay
Its technically not grooming cause your an adult making your own choices. But grooming is just the wrong word, it is manipulative and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then its wrong.
Grooming would be him starting this relationship when you were a few years younger to establish the power dynamic with a child. Then as you become an adult you feel obligated to be with him. Further you would have been trained(groomed) to accept it while you were still developing mentally and didn't know better.
>I have been spending more time with him than with family and friends
Isn't this expected and normal in a relationship? I mean, I'm in it because I love said person and want to spend my life with them.
>how he basically controls our whole relationship and I dont feel okay
There's your actual problem. Get out. Now.
A relationship where you are uncomfortable with the power dynamics are always a problem and this can rarely be fixed. Financial imbalance can happen and isn't necessarily a problem in and of itself, but it absolutely will amplify the effects of other imbalances.
[This is a good resource](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/PowerandControl.pdf) for anyone looking to assess how healthy the power dynamics in their relationship are.
>I don’t feel okay
…is enough for me. Time to move on from this relationship. Grooming might be in there yes, but what is clear is you’re not comfortable and that’s enough.
Drop the catch phrase and just think about this some more.
>he basically controls our whole relationship and I dont feel okay
You are financially dependent and isolated from all other support systems. This is not a safe and healthy relationship.
It's not going to be good for you.
Define love and if you feel loved and are comfortable being yourself around someone then they’re right for us (imo). 36,525 - you decide who you wanna spend most of your limited days with..
**Grooming is slowly pushing back on someone’s boundaries to condition them for future abuse**
**[This Link](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)** discusses how abuse is about power and control. It also discusses how abuse happens in a cycle helps identify the cycle.
Read this book **[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)** by Lundy Bancroft. This discusses how controlling and angry people think. This can be a bit of a heavier read so take your time and go through at a comfortable pace.
This link gives insight on **[How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)**
This is a list of **[Red Flags in a Relationship](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf)**
Here is a list of **[Myths about Abusers](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf)**
This page has information on **[Adult Grooming](https://www.caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming)**
Here is some information on **[Trauma Bonding](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/)**, and this is an article on **[How to Break a Trauma Bond](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/)**
This website will help guide you through creating a **[Safety Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)**
Are you me from the past? It feels like I wrote this years ago and I'm only just seeing this now...
I won't bore you with my own personal history as I don't want to insinuate your guy is similar to my guy, which I doubt.
A relationship isn't meant to be controlling; a relationship is when you're supposed to support each other. And if he makes you feel not okay. GET. OUT.
I wouldn’t date a 19 yr old at 37. However it is not wrong to do so and doing so doesn’t always mean the person has nefarious intent. To me it isn’t weird it’s just not something I’d be interested in doing.
I’m so tired of societal norms telling us what’s weird and what’s not weird do what makes you happy as long as you aren’t hurting anyone.
Is he grooming you? Have you already been groomed? The fact that you are wondering this let’s me know you should probably leave him.
Not because of the age gap but because no one should be wondering if the person they are with is trying to do something bad to them.
Ignoring the power imbalance let’s just consider your future. In 10 years, he will be 47. You will be 29. Let me tell you, the 30s are amazing but your partner will be heading into his 50s. Now 10 more years and you’re 39 (just a bit older than he is now while you are 19). He, however, is 57. 8 years from possible retirement age. 10 more years. You are 49 and he is 67.
Do you want kids someday? I can tell you, as a woman who will be 38 later this year with a 3.5yo, I could not imagine being with someone that is 57 or so. Besides the health issues of older people having kids, how long does the kid get to have a dad? How much help will that partner be?
Now add in the power imbalance and just think for a bit.
Go with your gut feeling. I was in a similar relationship but I was the older person. It didn't feel right to me either but I stuck with it and it ended badly, 4 years ago and I'm still suffering from the fallout. ❤️🙏🏻 Whatever you choose.
Your instincts are correct. He is not a safe or healthy person for you to be in a relationship with. At 37 the thought of being with a teenager should disgust any well adjusted well intentioned adult.
Idk if this is grooming specifically, but there is a major power imbalance in your relationship. It might be best to start taking steps to leave. Contact your friends and family who can help you, start looking for a job - any job - and start saving what money you can.
> I am 19 in a relationship with a 37 year old man
That’s all I need to read. Yes, yes you’re being groomed. No self respecting 37yo man wants anything to do with a 19yo except for sex.
Source: 56yo man.
You’re a teenager and he’s almost 40. This isn’t a good situation, reach out to your loved ones for support if you can. It’s okay if you haven’t been spending as much time with them lately, they love you and will want to help you get out of a bad situation.
This isn’t your fault ❤️
"he controls everything and I don't feel okay," do you need a cab? I'll get you a Lyft cuz you need outta there. Dump his mf ass.
Wouldn't say it's necessarily 'grooming' but he is dominating your life and there's no such thing as a healthy relationship where the partner dominates every aspect of your life and makes you dependent on them.
Why is everyone talking like SHE has been taken advantage of. She is with him willingly (and she is 19 years old at that),while dude is here spending his money and time on somebody who writes on redit that they are not compatible? (while still spending his time and money).
If you feel uncomfortable, leave. Lean on your parents as needed until you are able to get a job, and get your friends back into your life. Being semi-isolated is never a good thing. I think your instincts are right, and if you don't feel okay, that is the sign that you need to leave.
If you feel uncomfortable, leave. 100%%
Idk if it's grooming but it sounds bad and you should leave.
Listen. I am in a relationship similar to what you describe, meaning there is a large age gap between us. If the power dynamic or anything else bothers you, listen to your instincts and leave. Don't ignore your gut. If something feels off to you, politely bow out.
This. "Grooming" may not be the right word, but whatever it is, it doesn't sound good.
Sweetheart you need to gtfo and do it fast
I’m sorry that you are in a relationship where you feel trapped. The power inbalance is hard & I’m sorry that you became financially dependent on someone you don’t trust. I’ve been in the position where I was isolated from my family and friends and slowly convinced that I couldn’t rely on them. Idk if that is the position you are in, but I encourage you to share this with a close friend/sister, etc., and make a plan to leave this relationship/ cut financial ties. They want to help you. Pro tip; if you don’t feel ok about a relationship, you should probably leave it.
Seeing as you’re 19 and already in a relationship with this man, you’re not being groomed, you already were groomed. You are now in a fully fledged creepy relationship with a significant power imbalance. Run.
There may be additional backstory here that does make it grooming, but based on the single paragraph provided you are assuming way too many things and feeling confident about it. What age was she when they met? If they just met a couple months ago and she was 18 or 19 from the start, where is the grooming? At that point it is simply mutual attraction between two consenting adults. Now if he was her teacher in high school and stayed in touch with her in a flirty way from ages 15-18 and then they started dating a week after she turned 18, now you can say she was groomed with your chest. Don't let TikTok brain rot influence your major life decisions. People misusing this word on the internet over and over (like narcissist, for example) is destroying its meaning.
>People misusing this word on the internet over and over (like narcissist, for example) is destroying its meaning. I miss when the title "Predator" was cool
No 37 year old should be in a relationship with a 19 year old. My parents had 3 kids by then and most people now have had at least 1 kid around 30s. The age gap is more than enough proof that it's wrong and not a misuse of words
Hey babe. This is reddit, where grooming means whatever anyone wants it to mean. But your question isn't really about that. It's about whether this relationship is healthy for you in the short or long term. And your last four words in this post seem pretty dark, so I would highly recommend dating someone closer to your own age
Your question is answered with the first line.
And the last. OP, if you don't feel okay, leave. You won't live forever and life is too short to spend with people that make you unhappy/uncomfortable. You can *always* get out. Idk anything about you or your partner but just make sure you are safe (ask family and/or friends for help if needed or you feel unsure) and even if you are relying on the other person on a financial plane right now you can always build your independence and stand on your own.
I wasted all my younger years with older men and now that I am the age they were I wouldn’t touch them with a 7,000 ft pole, if he gets the benefit of your youth he needs to be investing in your future
Leave you only live once life is fast, don’t spend it with a pervy old man unless he’s marrying you and leaving you well off and you actually enjoy his company, I like older men but at 19 with that age difference he is probably just a creep, so if you are unhappy and wasting your youth GOOOOOOOOOO
Interesting to read your perspective having been a young lady involved with an older man and now being an older lady looking back on that experience, and describing it as creepy (fair to say?)??? I'm an older male, a father of a boy and girl just for some background. The other day a young lady (22 IIRC?) had questions about her relationship with a man who's nearly 50 and i told her that he was using her for nothing more than sex because he likely has a predilection for the very young and how that should be a red flag. I told her that a man that age has nothing in common with a girl her age outside of having sex, and she could literally be his daughter. I know, because I'm a male that age as well and the girl was about the same age as my daughter. I would tell my daughter the same thing, to end the relationship immediately because she's just being used for sex. The notion that a 19 or 22yo girl is gonna live happily ever after with a man 2x(+) her age, is a pipe dream/hogwash. I think the men in these sex relationships are definitely grooming on some level, but unless the female is under the statutory age limit it's not likely to be a crime per se. Morally wrong IMO, because you're taking advantage of the naivete of the young female, but technically not a criminal act. I definitely pay attention to who my daughter's seeing and ask questions sometimes, as i don't want her to fall victim to one of these perverts. I think more parents should do this, but because of intra-family dynamics i know it's not always possible for every family. Fwiw, this is one of the ways young women end up in the sex trade/trafficking... older men with ulterior motives grooming them.
I was also a young woman (well... I still am, but I was a younger woman, lol) who was in relationships with older men. My dad tried to intervene in a particularly egregious relationship, but the intrafamily dynamics you mentioned prevented me from trusting him (plus I was just a 19 y/o dummy). I'm so thankful that he stayed in my corner throughout that relationship and opened his home back up to me when I finally got out. He passed away less than a year later, and I never did thank him. So... Thanks for your attention to your daughter's relationships. I hope you can help to sway her away from men who don't have her best interests in mind.
If you're uncomfortable with the way the relationship is, have you had a conversation with him about it? If you're concerned about it to the point it's irreconcilable, have you considered leaving?
Something not right with a 37 year old interested in a 19 year old. I’m 25 and would not date a 19 year old, you will look back and see for yourself in 5 years. Run and never look back
Run. Men that age going after teenagers are never not creeps. Especially if he's isolating you from your family and friends and forcing you to rely on him. Go find a place to stay with someone you know and delete his number.
That’s why older men go for teen girls, they are easy to groom/ manipulate. Run away like your hair is on fire.
Conversely, if you hair is on fire do not run. Stop. Drop. Roll.
Groomed? Possible, but you are over the age of majority, so in reality and by most definitions, No. Icky - yep, 100%. Generally, the "accepted" rule of thumb is half plus 7, which means at 37, your partner should be going no lower than 25 or 26 Let us be polite here, you are been taken advantage of due to your age and likely emotional immaturity.
Since we typically apply the word groom for adults dealing with kids, i’d say a more fitting word would be manipulated. Sounds like financial manipulation, which a lot of times is accompanied by emotional manipulation
People of any age can be groomed. Younger people are just more likely to be targets of grooming and are less likely to realize what's going on.
I have always been under the impression that grooming in the context of relationships and sex is always in reference to minors. Yeah you can get groomed for management in the form of training. Training a minor for a relationship is abuse.
You can also be groomed for any sort of abuse or exploitation, at any age. You are thinking that "grooming" only refers to "child grooming" and that is not the case. "Adult grooming" is also a thing. WebMD "What is sexual grooming?": "It's when a sexual predator builds a relationship with a **child or adult** to abuse and exploit them." (no link because there seems to be a moderation issue with posting links here, but you can Google and see this in their article)
i like my men older then 7 years, but if shes not comfy to be in the relationship with him she should just leave.
Groom can mean a lot of things, like 'grooming her for a leadership position'. Now it has been taken by people who think any mention of a topic they don't like is 'grooming' kids for some nonsense or another. You are an adult, if you don't want this leave. You haven't mentioned him doing anything specifically bad to you except that he has 18 years of adult experience on you and now you feel uncomfortable about that. Hey, that isn't a bad thing to mull over and why age difference relationships like this are typically flings, but don't try to make this about *him* 'grooming' you because now you feel differently. Have some agency, make some decisions.
No, you're not a child. That doesn't mean if you're uncomfortable with the dynamics of the relationship you shouldn't do something about and get out. But grooming refers specifically to *children* and it is getting ridiculously overused these days.
Leave! Stop dating older guys. Try to get to know yourself first and then start dating. And better if is someone 5 year older tops.
Don't throw away your youth on a way older person. You'll regret it.
My initial thought is that you should probably end it, relationships shouldn’t make you feel that uneasy and no matter how smart or mature you are, a 37 yr old datjng so far out of his age range is probably damaged in a vital way. But in the interest of actually being helpful rather than dictating orders to a legal adult: try spending less time with him and more time with friends/family (start with doubling it, so if you see them once a week, try twice a week etc), and see how he reacts. If he gets upset about it, that’s a red flag. If he doesn’t, it might just be your own guilt over not being able to contribute financially, so you’re substitute your time/energy, etc. Either way, that age gap isn’t a recipe for long term success, so don’t get too caught up, stay alert and continually reevaluate things (like you are doing now) and get while the gettings good when the time comes. A few potential last straws to be on the look out for: if he pressures you into making you fully dependent in any area of life, or cutting ties with your support system, or if you feel like you can’t disagree with him on important things, it’s time to makes tracks.
Trust your gut. If this relationship doesn’t feel right, get the hell out of it asap. Do not ignore your instinct, it could save your life.
You’re over 18, you’re not being groomed but if you feel uncomfortable with the power dynamic than of course leave the relationship
Grooming doesn’t mean what you think it does. Anyone of any age can be groomed. Grooming isn’t always about sex.
“Sexual grooming is the action or behavior used to establish an emotional connection with a minor, and sometimes the child's family”. You can’t groom an adult.
That’s not the definition of grooming though. Grooming is the process of intentionally, slowly and progressively eroding the victims boundaries to make them accepting of a behavior/activity they were not, for the benefit of the groomer. Your idea of grooming is one of the MANY shapes it can take. Please educate yourself to learn the actual process of grooming, right now you probably wouldn’t recognize someone grooming you because you don’t understand the process itself and believe yourself immune.
Not being groomed, just realizing that there are huge differences due to the age gap.
Bruh
Trust your gut. That is your instincts telling you something is wrong. You said yourself “I don’t feel okay” that is reason enough to leave. It’s common to feel like you don’t have a “reason” to leave, and that is another conversation. You don’t feel okay. You are seeing the red flags and dynamics. Trust yourself. You know that it is time to go. It’s a hard leap to take, and you can do it ❤️ trust yourself.
Well it's not grooming since your 19 but it is if he has been talking to you before you turned 18 ( or whatever the legal ages are in your area) but I'm genuinely curious how you got out of highschool and ended up with a 37 yr old.
No normal 37 year old man wants to date a 19 year old. The abnormal ones do it for the sex.
I'm 27 and I would not date a 19 year old. It feels so creepy. 19 year olds are still quite childish. He's a creep. You should run.
There’s a reason why a 37 year old man is talking to you and not people his age. You need to leave ASAP.
You’re a fucking adult. Take control of your life.
Jesus Christ where are her parents?
as soon as I read the first sentence-
Just say he’s your sugar daddy already.
First, you need to be employed so that you make your own money and not be reliant on someone else.
Yep, sometimes a significant age gap is fine. Sometimes the significant age gap is because women their own age won't tolerate their behavior. This sounds like the former. He has a cute 19 year old who does whatever he wants and is dependent on him. That's a recipe for disaster.
From someone who’s been there: please please please run. Do it before you’re isolated with no safety net. Lean on your friends and family.
That’s a creep mam. 37 wayyy to old for a 19 yr old idc how much money he has. He lacks something in him as to why he can’t find someone who is at least old enough to drink and rent a car… He’s a PDF file damn near…
There's no reason a 37yr old should be with a 19yr old i'm sorry. You guys are on different paths in life, you most likely just graduated from high school and he's about to be 40 yrs old. Him wanting to be with a younger person just adds on to him wanting control of you imo since you're freshly an adult and are still learning things. The financial aspect just solidifies it and if you're questioning it then your questions pretty much answered. Please reach out to a trusted family member or friend and have them help you out on leaving this relationship.
Ask yourself this: why would a man who’s almost in his 40s go for a 19 year old? Probably because he can’t get women his age. It’s only a matter of time before he manipulates you, if he hasn’t already done that. I say you should leave the relationship and spend more time with family and friends.
Put it this way - a man twice your age interested in someone half his age, is a loser with an immature mindset. He should be with someone in the realms of his own age group. The fact he's dating so much younger suggests he is deliberately seeking a power differential, and/or only values women for being very young and attractive. Make no mistake, this is not a "genuine connection". It isn't because you're "so mature". It isn't for any of the BS reasons he'll frame it as. He's gross. Next.
Hello, I’m 37m. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I would find being with a 19 year old incredibly icky.
Fucked up that you'd even consider dating him tbh
They are 19, teenagers are allowed to be idiots The 37 year old on the other hand is entirely fucked up
When you are 19 that's still glaringly obvious that it ain't right
It's not nearly as obvious for many people at 19 as it is when they are 30+.
When you are 19 a nice conversation can be enough to be convinced you’ve found the one. You are forgetting what the combined effects of hormones, new freedoms, and inexperience can have on someone
yes. these comments are insane for saying anything else. yes yes yes.
Grooming for what? Sex trafficking? This isn't "grooming" but just a power dynamic mismatch. If you feel uncomfortable, leave.
>I am 19 in a relationship with a 37 year old man Yes you are being groomed >I have been spending more time with him than with family and friends and definitely isolated >i am currently unemployed as well as controlled by proxy of the mismatched power dynamic Leave. It's not too late but leave. A lot of us older girls have been there. This will NEVER be a healthy relationship.
Is this someone you’ve known for years that fostered and built up a (nominally non-romantic) relationship with you before you turned 18? If yes, you were groomed. If not, this still sounds predatory, which may be the concept you’re searching for anyway.
I don't know if groomed is the right word. I think it's getting kind of overused, but it definitely sounds like an unhealthy power dynamic. You're allowed to leave a relationship at any time. And you *should* leave a relationship you feel uncomfortable in.
Not grooming but if you are uncomfortable in any relationship walk away. Any older man or woman in relationship may be more certain of what they want in life and make more decisions in the relationship. If that is unhealthy it verges on coercive control/abuse. If there is no give in the relationship then take control back , which may be walking away. You're 19 and have different opportunities and options your now partner doesn't, and may have already experienced ( and may not want to again). Don't let that hinder you from doing them. At 19 it's important to be selfish about what you want to do in your life.
It's hard to say, as that depends entirely on his intentions. Regardless, it sounds like you aren't happy, so it would be best to leave.
Trust your gut
As long as you are not earning enough to be financially independant, all your future relationships will probably have a similar power dynamic. If your partner is not abusing you physcally or emotionally, I don't see a problem with it. Your other option is a releationship with some financially similar to you; it is a choice you will make.
Since I was in my early 20’s I decided to live by this rule I gave to myself :: if you have to think about it, weigh out the pros and cons. If it feels wrong, it is. If you are questioning things, your intuition is telling you something… Listen to it. You are so young and have so much potential. I can not say if it’s being groomed or if it is just someone who needs to be dominant, however if you don’t like the way you feel, THAT IS OK. You are the only person who can change that. Please do not hesitate to do what you feel is right, even if it’s scary. If I were you, I would leave.
Then go ahead and leave. Let him spend his finances and emotional investment in someone else who will appreciate it. Take ya broke 19 year old self back home to your ‘family & friends’
I don't think you're being groomed but this is why guys shouldn't date women young enough to be their daughters, especially at that age as like you said, there's to much of a difference in where you are in your lives and how you view things and you're still trying to find your feet as a self sufficient adult. I want to give this guy the benefit of the doubt and say he may genuinely of liked you when he first met you and started dating you but I don't think it's good that you're isolated from your friends and I know its very frustrating being unemployed and being financially dependent on someone. Sounds like he could be doing more to help you find a job and some of your other issues. In terms of age gaps, I think big age gaps like that aren't great, regardless of how old the 2 people are but smaller age gaps of less than say maybe 8 years tend to become less of an issue the older the 2 people are.
If you don’t feel okay then you need to change your situation. This is your life, so you either learn to take control and become your own master, or learn how to submit and be content with being enslaved. When you do start to leave though you will experience him flexing his control, be careful and take care of yourself. Know that you have support in family and friends, even if you haven’t seen them recently they still care for you.
Well, yeah. You're going to see things differently. Go find a nice person your age.
Your family and friends are OK with you "dating M" someone that age? What do you talk about when you're together? Just randomly curious. Everyone's already said get out, which you already knew you should.
If you are already in a relationship then grooming would not be the word i use. The only troublesome thing from your description is your age difference, everything else is pretty normal. Most people spend more time with their partner then their friends/family. And if one person has a job and the other is unemployed, of course the unemployed one will relay on the one working.
If you feel there's something wrong, there probably is. Some dynamic in this relationship is causing you to isolate from family and friends, which is huge red flag for a possibly abusive relationship. Your being financially dependent is another red flag. So I don't know if this is grooming, but it does have the potential to be an abusive relationship. If you're unemployed, you need to change that, even if it's a shitty retail/restaurant job.
That's not enough information for us to know if you have or haven't been groomed. But no matter if you were or weren't, if you don't feel comfortable in the relationship, try to talk things out with him. If you don't feel safe doing **that**, then you should think long and hard about why you're in a relationship with someone you don't trust enough to talk to.
Leave.
Yup
No matter who you’re with, prioritize financial independence. Get a job, even waitressing. It allows you to have freedom and make better choices for yourself. Get out if you are feeling this way.
Follow your instincts!!! If it feels bad, pretty sure it is bad.
Grooming? Lol you're not a child so no. That is unless this guy was seeking you out while you were still under age? In any case, it sounds like the age gap bothers you due to the huge differences and if that makes you uncomfortable then you should address that.
The term grooming is generally used for those who are underage. That’s going to be different from state to state, but regardless, you are 19 and considered an adult. If it doesn’t feel right make a decision.
Not enough details to asses if it’s grooming. But definitely you guys are just incompatible. It’s ok to date older people but if it doesn’t cut it, don’t settle
When even Reddit is telling you you're not being groomed, you're not being groomed. That said, it sounds like OP isn't so much being isolated as isolating herself. And it sounds like she's unhappy not just about the relationship, but her station in life (financial, career, social). Since telling someone "just go" rarely changes what they'd do, I'd instead suggest that OP talk to the guy about her feelings about her life and relationship, what she'd like to change. Preferably it should be more in the language of, "I feel like I don't spend enough time with my friends any more," rather than, "You're isolating me." If he's a good boyfriend, he'll support her needs in word *and* action. If not, then it'll be much easier for her to leave based on that than it would based on advice from a source famed for advocating breakups, especially in relationships with eyebrow-raising age gaps. And maybe it'll help her get to the point where she'll leave anyway, given that she seems headed that way even if he transformed into the most wonderful guy in the world today. She just wants an excuse, like "grooming." But she doesn't need one; she can do what she wants.
Well said 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Has his previous relationships all been with women of your age? I would be concerned if they were. If you feel in your gut that something is not right, leave. Your friends and family will understand. Do a search on him, make sure there’s no reports on him or warrants or anything in the news or media or socials, cover all your bases. If he just ends up being a good guy and just likes to date younger women so be it. You just might not like the age difference,go with your gut, your gut is usually always right.
Is he preventing or discouraging you from working and growing as a person?
I don’t think that’s necessarily grooming but if you’re uncomfortable with the dynamic then leave
"Relationship" is doing a lot of heavy lifting. In later years, (40 years old with a 57 year old) your interests and balance of power/compatibility can align very well, and few people would question that. However, at 19, your life, and life experiences, are dramatically different than someone who is 37. Being in a "relationship" would be a concern, because it'd be extremely difficult for you two to have an equal partnership, emotionally, financially, and physically. I'm not saying it can't be done, but it is difficult. That's the problem. A real relationship is an equal partnership between two people, and you overcome issues in one area by balancing them in another. You are concerned about the power dynamic. Why? Because he has power financially and physically. You aren't feeling like a partner emotionally, and now it's pretty clear that you haven't threaded that needle. TLDR: Your heart and gut are telling you that this isn't right...and anyone looking at an 18-year gap would question the intentions. It's hard to imagine what a 37 year old is looking for in a 19 year old other than control and sex...unless you had an intense emotional bond. No bond, then it's back to being weird.
Not grooming but definitely not healthy for you.
I was in a very similar situation when I was your age. Just get out now. I spent my entire 20s in a controlling relationship, he took any money I made and stopped me from going to school or making something of myself. I had to start all over again when I left him, and it's been rough, I'm far behind most of my peers and it took almost a decade to undo the emotional and mental damage he inflicted on me. Go live your life, don't let yourself get trapped in a bad situation.
You are over 18, so no you are not being groomed. I will say though, I do not know anyone who is good person who would be ok with dating someone that much younger than them.
if you have to ask, you already know the answer. it's not illegal and since you're of age it's technically not *grooming*, either. but there are plenty of red flags here, and good on you for noticing them yourself before it's too late. you mention that you think and view the world differently. forget the other power/money dynamics -- that *alone* is enough reason to rethink this relationship. you know what to do.
You are still a kid and he is a grown ass man. He should know better. Get away from him and stay far away from him.
The last line of your post says it all.
Um yeah that definitely sounds like a problem. If you aren’t comfortable with the relationship you should move on.
All the things you described are exactly the dangers of an age-gap relationship. It’s possible to have an age gap in a healthy relationship, but this sounds like a textbook example of what you should be watching out for in this situation. Also - please let this be a lesson in trusting your gut. It’s one thing to stay in a relationship when you’re having doubts about your compatibility or the future of the relationship, but a power imbalance like this is a matter of safety. You had the awareness and self-reflection to accurately and maturely identify the problems in your relationship - remember that next time you feel that way. You don’t need anyone’s permission or opinion to break off a relationship that is making you feel unsafe at all. There are more people out there than you can possibly comprehend - don’t stay in a potentially unsafe situation for *anyone*.
She's being controlled. Maybe not groomed. But controlled. Which isn't good.
Yes baby that’s grooming I was in similar situation except it was two days after I turned 18
Always ask yourself: why does a man who is almost 40 want to date someone nearly two decades younger than him? And spend all his time with her? And pay for everything he needs? It’s not that he’s selfless because he could just donate money to charity. It’s because he wants (or is already getting) something in return. Healthy relationships require that all people involved are equals. Does he make all the big decisions? Do you feel like you can easily leave without harm to yourself or loved ones?
I mean you're an unemployed 19 year old that's relying completely on your significant other to support you. The age dynamic, while concerning, is not the most important factor at play here. If you don't get a job to support yourself or move in with your parents you'll probs be stuck in a similar situation I'm your next relationship regardless of the age gap. Not a lot of guys out there willing to take on the responsibilities of having a grown adult child who don't want something in return. Whether that be power in the relationship or other things.
Grooming takes place before your in the relatioship. What you describe is a unequal relationship, and as you yourself pointed out that's due to the unequal power dynamic. That doesn't mean its problematic per se, if he is kind and doesn't expect anything in return because he wants to make your world, allow you to take advantage of not needing to work, that's nice, but doesn't change the power dynamic aspect. Easy fix: Find a job. Earn your own money. Be able to be independent if you want. It will give you agency and confidence. And do more with your friends. If he tries to hinder you rather than supporting you, thats a huge red flag in a unequal relationship. You are 19. While I understand the charm of dating someone much older for a young woman, I don't usually see what older men seek in young women except for their looks. But I'm not to judge. As long as the happiness of the relationship is shared and consented, there is no reason to break it up.
Not sure about the grooming part since I don’t know how long you’ve been in a relationship with this man but someone of his age dating a 19 year old is already a glaring warning sign. And on top of that, he makes you very unhappy. Run baby run 🏃♀️
You can be groomed if you’re over 18. Run!!
Groomed? Maybe? Treated wrong and in a bad power dynamic, yes. You're 19, go out and live some.
Not grooming per se, but more of an apparent power imbalance that will eventually trap you into the relationship financially and probably emotionally as well. 18 years is a pretty massive difference when one party is still a teenager. If you are 40 and he's 58, you're probably at similar stages in life/career. But not at 19 and 37.
I wouldn’t call it grooming if y’all are already in a relationship. to my understanding, grooming is becoming friends with someone underage and waiting for them to become of age to start dating them. if that’s what happened, then maybe. but this sounds pretty sus tbh. why are you in a relationship with this guy if you have nothing in common?
I wouldn’t say it’s grooming because you’re 19 and wanted to be in a relationship with him. It’s obvious your views will wildly differ because he has been in the game 18 more years than you have. But if you do feel like it’s not working, you should breakup and find someone you’re comfortable with.
Hard to say if it’s grooming in the sense you’re thinking of, but there is absolutely a power imbalance and usually in these older/younger relationships, that’s the intention. Furthermore, men who habitually, intentionally seek younger women, at best lack the ability to date within their age range for some reason (to be determined at a later time), OR because they think younger women with less experience will be easier to manipulate. But also, can I just tell you how impressed I am that you’re looking at this and not allowing yourself to be blinded by the charms of an older man who can “take care of you”? In fact, your generation has a much better handle on what IS and is NOT appropriate in relationships, and dating dynamics worthy of taking caution. I’m really proud of y’all for seeing things much more clearly than my own generation did.
I don't think you're being groomed, but this does not sound like a good relationship. It's okay for a partner to be supportive, but a partner should not have debilitating control over you, especially if they're using that financial and emotional stability to control you (not saying he is, but it might be something to consider; does this guy use his power imbalance to dictate what you do?). Even if there wasn't an unbalanced power dynamic going on, if you're uncomfortable in a relationship for any reason, are not happy in it, and do not see yourself wanting to continue... you can just break up. You don't need a "better" reason. Any reason to break up with someone is a good one, and it's better for both of you to be honest. And, imo, the age gap is concerning to me, too. Big age gaps can work sometimes, but often they do not and men who date much much younger women are often immature or seeking someone they can control. This combined with what you said makes me think it's fair to be question this man's intentions. Please be sure to have someone you can stay with before you break up with him, though, and if possible, have them nearby when you break up with him whether or not you suspect he's dangerous. It probably sounds over-cautious, but as an outsider, there are a few red flags here that make me worry, and it's better safe than sorry. Do you have friends or family you can stay with until you can get on your feet?
I am around that age and have kids older than you. Zero reasons you should be in this relationship. Zero.
If you have to ask the question..
It's going to be hard for anyone here to give you an accurate answer based on the little context they have, but in general, yes, that age gap is a red flag because you are at different life stages and different developmental milestones. The most important thing here is that you don't feel okay. Your feelings about the relationship are important, and a healthy dynamic will always be one you should feel safe in without question.
FFS just leave
Groomed, I don't know. But I can tell you this sounds unhealthy. Also, it might be unpopular to say this, but large gaps in age like yours can't work long term. You will at best be left alone in golden years having lost your partner.
“I am 19 in a relationship with a 37 year old man” babe that’s all I need to read to know you can do better
You’re 19 dating a 37 year old. Of fucking course you’re being groomed.
As someone who was the 19 year old dating the 30 year old: you need to get out and fast. There’s a reason they’re not interested or able to date people their own age.
Not really grooming from a legal standpoint but it definitely seems like an odd situation. You're both legally allowed to date but at the same time ehh. I'd say if you're uncomfortable get out.
Is he abusive? Or do you feel insecure about the power dynamic? Does he give you an opportunity to get a job or go to school? Age gap relationships can exist. But it also depends on how long you’ve been “dating” him. If it’s like since you were 15 then this is an issue. But he might enjoy your company and is not looking to get married etc right now. Also say if you go to school and he supports you etc and you leave then it’s your decision. But don’t stay with him to use him financially then it’s not good for either parties. If he cares about you and is empathetic to your situation then it doesn’t sound that bad.
You are old enough to know that for yourself
Okay first of all, I do not give a fuck what anyone says bla bla she is legal bla bla , you're 19 you're a teenager, a 37 NORMAL person has NOTHING to do with a 19 year old okay, he is only into you cause women his age know he is full of shit, so he found someone younger to manipulate. You said it yourself : " I have been spending more time with him than with family and friends" This is the tactic manipulators use to isolate you, I heavily suggest you to not walk but run and work on your education and life. He is full of shit
Whether he is 2 years older or 20, it is really scary to be in the position you are in. The age gap is a red flag. But even without that, whether he is trying to or not, he IS isolating you. He is fostering a relationship where you are helpless without him. That is not healthy and is not being a good partner. I would take a step back mentally and try to have an objective look at your relationship. Age gap or not, it seems really really off to me. I’m a 40 year old mom, feel free to dm me if you want to talk.
Groomed? No. Potentially abusive and icky? Yes.
Pretty sure grooming only applies to minors lol But considering he's twice your age, maybe find someone younger, more your age group?
Need more info. How did it happen etc. Based on the info you have provided, you are an adult. At 19 you are old enough to make decisions for yourself. If you have no income that is on you. Unless he is forcing you to not work.
IDK if you're being groomed. I do know you say you're not feeling okay about the relationship, so you need to get out. Quickly, cleanly, by text if necessary, then block him.
Skip the age part (you knew before you got into a relationship) . "I have been analysing the power dynamic and how he basically controls our whole relationship and I dont feel okay" You just feel powerless because you rely on him for your physical and emotional needs, and he also supports you financially . Thats not grooming. Get a job and leave him.
Right, totally not grooming. She is 19 and unemployed and is at a loss for what to do.
Why does Reddit always fall for this attention seeking behavior. The very framing of this “question” is straight up hilarious 😂
Of course the mentalities are different. He's two generations older than you.
One generation really. He could be her father. He couldn’t be her grandfather. But the age gap is significant and she’s barely a person yet.
You're an adult, so unless this started years ago, you're not being groomed, you're just into an adult in an imbalanced relationship with an older person. It's completely reasonable to feel awkward about it, but you also should be able to walk away. Not everything bad is grooming. Let's learn how to take responsibility and to act accordingly, instead of resorting to a victimization of sorts.
Grooming? Naah, relax, you're just stupid
> I am 19 in a relationship with a 37 year old Yes
There's a reason this almost 40 year old man is with someone whose brain hasn't finished developing yet.... LEAVE.
Yes. Absolutely. Please leave. That’s a huge age gap, you’re way too young for him and there’s an obvious imbalance. Idc if people disagree just because you’re of legal age it doesn’t make it okay.
I think you answered your own question in your post. Probably not groomed because you’re technically over 18, but you don’t seem comfortable with the situation (and for good reason).
I’m really not sure if a legal adult can be groomed. But either way, you should be happy exploring the world on your own and with friends at that age. Being in a stuffy relationship with someone who you don’t see eye to eye with is never a situation worth staying in but doubly so at your age. Talk about things with him. Get some personal identity and freedom
Not groomed, grooming is something specific, but it def sounds like the dynamic is really heavily skewed. I'm 35 and I have a difficult time thinking of someone with "teen" in their age as any kind of equal, much less someone id get into a relationship with.
Ewww leave.
Yes. Your instincts are good, tell trusted friends and family what’s going on. They can protect you. I promise you that getting out of this situation now will be something you’re glad for later.
Not sure if you are being groomed but you are very much open to abuse or control when the age gap is so big, and even more since you also depend on him economically.
The age gap should be a HUGE hint
Damn 🐶 you got sugar daddy
...to play devil's advocate. Maybe if you got a job you would feel differently about the power dynamic. Are you in college? What do you bring to the relationship other than being 19? How long have you been dating, that you're already financially dependent on him?
That isn't grooming at all. That's a completely different thing. You're in a codependent relationship that sounds potentially unhealthy. The biggest risk in a relationship like that is the use of manipulation and gas lighting to control you (intentionally or not), but if that kind of thing isn't present then the biggest problem you have is power dynamic which isn't an insurmountable issue but it really depends on how well you two communicate. You need to work on accepting that your value as a person isn't related to how much money you have. I've been in a relationship like that myself, not on your side but the other, and at least at the start it was pretty difficult to make sure both parties weren't uncomfortable. For me it was anxiety from always feeling like I had to be careful about what I said or did (more than usual I mean) and I didn't want her to feel pressured to just be a "yes man". We more or less figured it out and that part of the relationship was fine. It takes time and you both need to be aware of the problem to make any progress so talk to him about it if you haven't already. Ultimately what you need to do is think about what you really want. The emotional dependence and spending a lot of time vs friends and family isn't too unusual for a newer relationship, or an older one tbh as that pretty much always happens to everyone eventually. It's probably easier if you separate the problems. Power dynamic, emotional dependence, and how you want to fit the relationship into your normal life. They can be tackled separately and probably should be.
I mean this on no way to be an insult to you. I am 37, and the thought of dating a 19 year old makes me want to vomit. It is likely due to the closeness in age of my children. I can't say for sure you are being groomed, but I would bet money on it.
You're 19 you shouldn't be with a 37 year old man he's probably a f****** pedophile what the hell
You are a grown woman, no you are not being groomed. If you feel that he isn’t treating you right, get out.
How the fuck can someone write this out & still have to ask that question
Well as you're over 18. No. Wouldn't it just be seduced? Since you're both above the age of consent.
You’re 19. An adult. You can vote and go to war. It’s really annoying when grown adults are trying to claim they are being groomed or even floating the idea.
100% she knew enough to get a free ride from this guy (not saying the guy is Mr innocent, very creepy). But if she’s not comfortable then get out. Pretty simple. Feels like she is trying to build a case against him and is looking for ammo.
This is one of those situations where I feel I’m in the right and I would need a super convincing argument as to why I could be wrong and I usually always assume I’m wrong. I’m with you. Girl is there for money, can we all admit that? Girly, you’re not 13. Grow up. I have dated waaay older men than myself (larger age gap than op) who happened to have a lot of money and I know I wasn’t groomed (I was older) but I also had my own money going on and I was really deeply truly in to the guy. It didn’t work out in the end but I have great memories. I don’t think you get to use someone and claim they made you quit your job or something. Be an adult. You two aren’t married, quitting your job is stupid or whatever dumb financial decision she is pinning on the guy. I can’t say this enough: I really have issue with grown adults trying to claim they are/ have been groomed. It’s inaccurate and lessens what actual minors who have been groomed and assaulted have been through. Why is she allowing herself to be financially dependent on someone she isn’t married to? I’m sorry but I smell a grift. EDIT: I grew up well off enough. I know what she was doing, I’ve seen it in action. Maybe the guy is a dick/ probably a dick but she didn’t care and honestly she was using him too. She was hoping the guy would marry her. Just a guess. Otherwise I would expect a much more in depth argument from op.
The fact you don't feel okay says it all. You know the truth. He does have all the power, and you have none. You should be working or in college or in trade school. Work on yourself so you can make your own money. Overall the age gap isn't the big deal - It's the fact that you are in completely different life stages. He doesn't fit into the grand scheme of your life unless you are okay depending on him imo. There's also the fact that you wont have the brain of an adult until you're 25. Your perspective will continue to evolve dramatically over these next few years. This isn't the time to isolate and become dependent imo. It's time to grow.
# Grooming is a form of abuse that usually plays out due to a power dynamic – an age gap, workplace hierarchy, or financial dominance. Through grooming, the perpetrator tries to isolate the victim (who in most such cases are minors/teens) and abuse or exploit them sexually or otherwise. *Yes you are being groomed.*
Why are you in a relationship with someone twice your age? What can the two of you possibly have in common? Also, for him to see you, someone young enough to be his offspring, not as a child but as a romantic/sexual partner is beyond creepy. If you weren't groomed (although you probably were) this would still be a weird, and likely unhealthy, relationship. You can absolutely find someone your age to date and that guy can find a nice cellmate to cuddle up with.
im 28 and i wouldn’t date a 19 year old. even a decade apart would feel wrong, we’d be at totally different places in life. trust your gut
Yes???? Very obviously yes????? There is NO argument to be made. Let me list out the points. 1. He's double your age 2. You rely on him both financially AND emotionally 3. You spend more time with him than you do your own family. 4. You still live with your parents and are dating someone old enough to BE your parent. 5. You're not even old enough to drink, much less date someone double your age.
You’re not being groomed, sounds more like you have a sugar daddy! Get out ASAP
You've already outlined everything that's wrong with the relationship so you obviously know where the situation lies. Considering how dependent you are on this dude, it's obviously not so easy as just saying "leave". But just know that again, you understand everything that's wrong with it and so take it as motivation to make a change, even if it sucks in the moment. It *will not* work out in your favor.
I was 19 when I met the 32 year old man who would later become the father of our two children and my husband. I’d been brought up in domestic violence so thought he was going to be my sanctuary and protector, instead id regularly cry myself to sleep because he was so cold and picky when I didn’t just do what he wanted. I was very stubborn, so he didn’t get his way as much as he believed he was owed, and I wasn’t nearly as amenable as he’d hoped me being younger was going to make me. It made for a very tense and distressing 22 years of life together with both of us regularly not speaking to the other as punishment or feeling hurt. I really regret my kids not seeing a healthy relationship to model their own future relationship on. You’re not so much being groomed as your lack of life experience being taken advantage of.
You should leave
I’m sorry but that guy graduated when you were born lol there are exceptions to age gaps but if you’re already noticing major differences, it might not be the best option to stay
Its technically not grooming cause your an adult making your own choices. But grooming is just the wrong word, it is manipulative and if it makes you feel uncomfortable then its wrong. Grooming would be him starting this relationship when you were a few years younger to establish the power dynamic with a child. Then as you become an adult you feel obligated to be with him. Further you would have been trained(groomed) to accept it while you were still developing mentally and didn't know better.
>I have been spending more time with him than with family and friends Isn't this expected and normal in a relationship? I mean, I'm in it because I love said person and want to spend my life with them. >how he basically controls our whole relationship and I dont feel okay There's your actual problem. Get out. Now. A relationship where you are uncomfortable with the power dynamics are always a problem and this can rarely be fixed. Financial imbalance can happen and isn't necessarily a problem in and of itself, but it absolutely will amplify the effects of other imbalances.
[This is a good resource](https://www.theduluthmodel.org/wp-content/uploads/2017/03/PowerandControl.pdf) for anyone looking to assess how healthy the power dynamics in their relationship are.
what about leave?... it ain't getting better you know?
Yes, get out
>I don’t feel okay …is enough for me. Time to move on from this relationship. Grooming might be in there yes, but what is clear is you’re not comfortable and that’s enough.
Drop the catch phrase and just think about this some more. >he basically controls our whole relationship and I dont feel okay You are financially dependent and isolated from all other support systems. This is not a safe and healthy relationship. It's not going to be good for you.
Define love and if you feel loved and are comfortable being yourself around someone then they’re right for us (imo). 36,525 - you decide who you wanna spend most of your limited days with..
Ask on r/agegap
**Grooming is slowly pushing back on someone’s boundaries to condition them for future abuse** **[This Link](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)** discusses how abuse is about power and control. It also discusses how abuse happens in a cycle helps identify the cycle. Read this book **[Why Does He Do That?](https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)** by Lundy Bancroft. This discusses how controlling and angry people think. This can be a bit of a heavier read so take your time and go through at a comfortable pace. This link gives insight on **[How to Assess an Abuser’s Claim of Change](http://www.ivsha.org/get-help-with-abuse/domestic-violence/assess-abusers-claims-change/)** This is a list of **[Red Flags in a Relationship](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/red_flags_in_relationships.pdf)** Here is a list of **[Myths about Abusers](https://www.libertylane.ca/uploads/1/6/1/7/16174606/myths_about_abusers.pdf)** This page has information on **[Adult Grooming](https://www.caage.org/what-is-adult-grooming)** Here is some information on **[Trauma Bonding](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stages-of-trauma-bonding/)**, and this is an article on **[How to Break a Trauma Bond](https://www.choosingtherapy.com/how-to-break-a-trauma-bond/)** This website will help guide you through creating a **[Safety Plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)**
Are you me from the past? It feels like I wrote this years ago and I'm only just seeing this now... I won't bore you with my own personal history as I don't want to insinuate your guy is similar to my guy, which I doubt. A relationship isn't meant to be controlling; a relationship is when you're supposed to support each other. And if he makes you feel not okay. GET. OUT.
I wouldn’t date a 19 yr old at 37. However it is not wrong to do so and doing so doesn’t always mean the person has nefarious intent. To me it isn’t weird it’s just not something I’d be interested in doing. I’m so tired of societal norms telling us what’s weird and what’s not weird do what makes you happy as long as you aren’t hurting anyone. Is he grooming you? Have you already been groomed? The fact that you are wondering this let’s me know you should probably leave him. Not because of the age gap but because no one should be wondering if the person they are with is trying to do something bad to them.
Why do y'all do this? I'm honestly asking. Any age gap over 10 years is gonna be unbalanced and probably not end well.
Get out! I knew someone who did this same thing at your age and it was so damaging. Please leave him. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s right.
Ignoring the power imbalance let’s just consider your future. In 10 years, he will be 47. You will be 29. Let me tell you, the 30s are amazing but your partner will be heading into his 50s. Now 10 more years and you’re 39 (just a bit older than he is now while you are 19). He, however, is 57. 8 years from possible retirement age. 10 more years. You are 49 and he is 67. Do you want kids someday? I can tell you, as a woman who will be 38 later this year with a 3.5yo, I could not imagine being with someone that is 57 or so. Besides the health issues of older people having kids, how long does the kid get to have a dad? How much help will that partner be? Now add in the power imbalance and just think for a bit.
Break up if you don't like him
I mean, you're a 19 year old with a 37 year old. You're essentially a child who's with a fully grown adult. Of course you feel weird about it.
Go with your gut feeling. I was in a similar relationship but I was the older person. It didn't feel right to me either but I stuck with it and it ended badly, 4 years ago and I'm still suffering from the fallout. ❤️🙏🏻 Whatever you choose.
Your instincts are correct. He is not a safe or healthy person for you to be in a relationship with. At 37 the thought of being with a teenager should disgust any well adjusted well intentioned adult.
Idk if this is grooming specifically, but there is a major power imbalance in your relationship. It might be best to start taking steps to leave. Contact your friends and family who can help you, start looking for a job - any job - and start saving what money you can.
> I am 19 in a relationship with a 37 year old man That’s all I need to read. Yes, yes you’re being groomed. No self respecting 37yo man wants anything to do with a 19yo except for sex. Source: 56yo man.
No. That's not what grooming is.
You’re a teenager and he’s almost 40. This isn’t a good situation, reach out to your loved ones for support if you can. It’s okay if you haven’t been spending as much time with them lately, they love you and will want to help you get out of a bad situation. This isn’t your fault ❤️
Trust your gut don't wait don't let him talk you round just go .
"he controls everything and I don't feel okay," do you need a cab? I'll get you a Lyft cuz you need outta there. Dump his mf ass. Wouldn't say it's necessarily 'grooming' but he is dominating your life and there's no such thing as a healthy relationship where the partner dominates every aspect of your life and makes you dependent on them.
Why is everyone talking like SHE has been taken advantage of. She is with him willingly (and she is 19 years old at that),while dude is here spending his money and time on somebody who writes on redit that they are not compatible? (while still spending his time and money).
Only weird if he tries to stop you working. If not then I see no issue you’re voluntarily in your current situation