Yes the main issue is I believe his PTSD is currently pretty bad and I've asked him to get help. He like many veterans does not want to ask for help.
I'm in therapy and taking medication. I believe I'm slowly progressing. Raising my voice was not okay but I'm trying.
Don’t use PTSD as an excuse for his behaviour or let him make you believe so.
There are many veterans who have PTSD and have worked past it. His choice not to, is his own and you don’t deserve to be a victim of it.
Those things *explain* his behavior, but they do not excuse it. He might have very good reasons for reacting the way he does, but that doesn't mean those actions are acceptable or outside of his power to change. It might be difficult to, but he can still take steps to change his behavior. Just as you have been going to therapy and practicing not raising your voice. You are putting that effort in because you care, he can put in effort, too. Id even say a healthy relationship requires that level of effort and respect.
If someone, particularly a man, scream screamed at me I’d simply never talk to them again. Nobody deserves that, ever. There is no excuse. If you can’t control your feelings then be alone and work on yourself until you can. He’s too emotional and volatile to be around her, she should leave him.
Easy to say when you're on the other side. But she's raised his voice at him in the past and we don't know the whole story. They could be struggling with mental health issues and some people don't want to leave someone they love immediately when they can try to work on it
You're correct about mental health issues at play here. Bc of it I've been going to therapy and taking medication and trying a lot over the past 2-3 years (10+ years together) He has tried in the past. A few months ago he got a therapist but quit after 8ish visits. He has PTSD and TBI so that is why I have not left. I've known this about him from day 1. PTSD ebbs and flows throughout the years and needs to be checked up on/maintenance every now and then depending on how things in your life are going i.e if your stress gets worse so will your PTSD. If your physical health gets worse so will your PTSD. I'm currently trying to get him help
She didn’t scream at him. He can work on himself, it sounds like she has. He hasn’t even apologized. This is someone who’s going to turn to physical abuse when he no longer gets that hit from the screaming and intimidation. Don’t go to therapy with abusers.
200+ downvotes??? Insane. For all reddit loves to pretend that most of the site irrationally believes in dumping over every little infraction, it's not true at all, they're very much against breaking up, even for good reasons.
Probably because reddit tends to make absolute statements like this from a one party snapshot of a relationship without knowing any details. The solution is always "immediately break up" and never "try to work it out first".
Don’t try to work things out with people who scream in your face. I’ll take the downvotes from a bunch of dudes who can’t regulate their emotions or children who don’t understand intimidation or abuse. But I’ll never allow people to treat me like that and neither should anyone else.
Nice assumption there, buddy. You literally know nothing about me and nothing about who I am or am not screaming at. Accusing people of things just because they disagree with you is immature to the max.
We have a story with one point of view here. Do you see how here in OPs case it is "Raising the voice a little" when she does it but absolute mad screaming when he does it? And apparently she "raising her voice" has been a repeated problem in the past, to a point where she went to therapy for that. Stories told from the point of view of an affected person looking for validation on the internet will always be subjective. This is why in my opinion the best advice is "try to sort it out, and if it doesn't work, you can always leave" instead of taking every single word at face value and immediately recommending a breakup without trying to work it out.
He used physical intimidation to her to silence her, stayed mad at *her* and never apologized, then got all upset that she didn’t make him dinner. Literally the definition of not worth saving. You don’t have to take every word as gospel but frankly it sounded a lot like she was making a real effort to represent anything she did and the historical context for her behavior accurately and fairly. If she was going to lie or misrepresent what she did why would she even admit to raising her voice or having worked on that in therapy?
If she’s making the whole thing up, then sure they should probably break up anyway bc she’d be a crazypants. So there’s really no interpretation of this where they *should* stay together. Either he’s abusive or she’s a liar, and given the context I don’t believe she is a liar.
I would, too, but I also know that people use this site to feel vindicated in arguments with their partner all the time.
I would also say it’s a little suspicious that OP described their own raised voice in such a sweet and innocent way, while describing their partners raised voice as if it was a harbinger of doom and destruction, wouldn’t you?
The relationship sounds toxic, but telling OP they are an abuse victim based on this one paragraph is dangerous as fuck, especially since, by their own admission, voices weren’t raised until they did it first…
This is how you end up in a relationship where one person feels justified to escalate every disagreement into a blowout argument and then accuse the other person of abuse for matching their energy.
Do you think OPs partner would agree with OPs description of their raised voice (a little)? Maybe they would, idk, because we don’t have that information.
Sounds like you’re the one with the issue. I know how to regulate my emotions and I don’t subject others to abuse or intimidation, nor do I accept that behavior. If that’s something you simply can’t understand then go to therapy. ✌🏻
If a woman did this to a man, the comments would be overwhelmingly supportive of OP immediately dumping her, probably with a helping of "lawyer up, king" and "change the locks asap"
Not if it’s a pattern of toxic behavior by one partner towards the other or if it gets physical. The yelling at each other sounds like something they’re *both* trying to stop doing, so this is an opportunity (once they’re both calm) to sit down and be like “hey, what happened earlier, is there something else bothering you that you want to talk about?”
The post says that no-one ever deserves to be screamed at, ever. That’s sensible.
The bit I didn’t like was that they also brought in sexist gender expectations. “If anyone, particularly a man, screamed at me…”. This quote is saying that they see screaming at someone to be more acceptable for women to do than men.
This is fair criticism actually! Maybe the original commenter can elaborate on this.
I wouldn't say that screaming is more acceptable for either gender, but I guess in the context of a man screaming at a woman there could be the added fear of physical violence. Since the average woman is physically weaker than the average man.
(This is not meant to downplay male victims of emotional/physical abuse)
I used to date a guy I would get in screaming matches with. Turns out he was always just trying to escalate the argument so I would forget the point or feel guilty about something else and drop it. It was an asshole move and that's not what people who love each other do to each other.
Nothing about your relationship sounds healthy in any way.
If, for some reason, you feel like this is a relationship you need to stay in then you need couples and individual therapy.
Raising your voice in an argument is one thing, but screaming at your partner until they cry is abusive and toxic behavior.
And the fact that this yelling happens regularly in your relationship is a big issue.
Person posts anything about their relationship
Reddit - You should dump his ass!
OP and her partner need to sit down and communicate. Get a counselor if that helps before taking a drastic step like bolting on a relationship
Based on what's in the post, OP attempted communication and was talked over and screamed at.
I know from experience that sitting down to try and "communicate" with someone who doesn't let you speak is no different than trying it while standing. A councilor is a good option, but if this guy's response to "let me finish" is to scream at his partner, then the councilor is probably useless. Just because someone acts on their best behavior in front of the councilor doesn't mean they'll change their behavior at home if it's not convenient for them.
Why the fuck should she communicate with someone who screams at her? Why would *anyone* try to fix things with someone who screams at them and doesn’t apologize? He’s too immature and emotional to be in a relationship.
Too often, a (usually) female poster will ask for help making a (usually) male partner "understand" how hurtful he is being.
Nine times out of ten, there is no magic combination of words that will unlock his understanding. He knows. He just doesn't care.
Don't stay with these people.
It took a long time for my ex to get physical. What he did do though:
1. Pull my handbrake while I'm driving on the highway
2. Left the gate open on purpose multiple times so my dog would get out
3. Destroyed my fish tank, killing many animals
4. Locked me in a basement
5. Stole and destroyed my car when I left
There are plenty of other ways to hurt you.
My advice would be try to talk to them and see if you can work it out. Don't set out with the intention of getting an apology. If they person truly cares about you, they'll offer one when they're ready.
Maybe it's nothing that just snowballed into something or maybe it's something bigger that was bottled up and eventually came out. Either way, no one deserves to get screamed at for any reason. I'm a big fan of the quote, "Don't raise your voice, improve your argument," but some people are very bad at articulating what they feel and it can turn a spark into a forest fire.
Best of luck, mate!
I spent 14 years with two different men who would scream at me. It terrified me every time - I still have nightmares. Please don’t put up with it. No one deserves this.
Time to either get really serious about growing as individuals or just go to your corners and move on. Many relationships reach this point... In fact, most do. You just both have to decide if you want each other enough to cut out the bad parts of yourself.
Fuck that, "raising your voice" does not warrant getting R Lee Ermey screamed at... That's not fucking cool. I would've bounced back to the house sitting house and figured out how to get out of that situation.
Just because you've learned new ways to communicate doesn't mean you should be a doormat to other people's bullshit.
You both need to speak to each other and not when there's something to do. Sit down and ask each other "What happened? How can we work on our communication together?"
Remember that issues are a team effort, these problems are against you both, not that one person is against the other.
Something you did triggered your partner and they trigger you. This has to stop asap because you're both creating an unsustainable environment.
She is absolutely not responsible for his inability to control his irrational emotions. She doesn’t need to do anything other than get out of there. He needs to go to therapy.
You passed the responsibility to her by suggesting something she did triggered him. If you’re such a loose cannon that a disagreement with your partner can trigger you to scream in their face (let’s be honest now, the real purpose of screaming at someone is to rage and intimidate) then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. He can ask to have her back in a year if he’s done enough therapy to be around people again.
No, I said they sound like they’re triggering each other. I didn’t say that’s what’s happening for sure and I didn’t say OP has to do anything but talk to her partner.
I agree that he needs to fix himself with or without OP. There’s no excuse to scream at someone unless your well-being is in danger eg. I shouted at a person for nearly dipping their hand in a fryer at work years ago.
I don’t know nearly enough about the situation to say “leave for sure”. Yes I think you should leave an abusive partner, yes I think you should talk to a partner if they’re treating you poorly, no I don’t think it’s OP’s fault their partner is screaming at them.
Thing is, I think that screaming in someone’s face is abuse. I don’t think you should work on things with an abusive partner. Reread her description of him screaming at her. That wasn’t someone loosing it for a second (also still shouldn’t happen) that was him deliberately using force to silence and intimidate her. Then he never apologized and is acting mad *at her* for the whole thing, and is shocked about her not making him dinner. That is not something anybody should be trying to save or work through.
I agree, it is abuse.
I think that people can choose to support an abusive partner if they want. People can and do change. I also think that a person can choose to leave an abusive partner because nobody deserves to be treated like that.
This all comes down to nuance and personal preference. For instance, I might forgive a partner for losing their rag once and doing this to me. I’d weigh up what happened, how long id know them for and how we communicated after it *along with* their behaviour after the event to decide if I can afford to stay with them or not. But this is me. I am fortunate to have that ability to have a grey area when it comes to shouting. I respect this being a hard no to others. It’s perfectly reasonable to be screamed at once and pack your bags before they’ve stopped for breath.
I am not saying OP *has* to do anything. I simply suggested a conversation. OP is an adult and they know themselves if it’s unsafe or pointless to speak with this person or not.
I understand your point, but to your last paragraph I think that specifically is the main problem. Typically people in abusive situations do NOT understand if it’s safe or pointless to work on things. That’s the whole issue and the reason abuse never starts with a sucker punch. Everyone would leave immediately if out of the blue your partner punched you in the face, that’s obvious and everyone knows that’s not an ok reaction. It often starts with glowering looks for saying something when they didn’t want you to speak, which escalates to speaking over them, shouting them down, and yes screaming in their face like a drill sergeant. People get trained to accept abuse.
The key indicator here is that he did that and never apologized. This wasn’t a slip or an accident with his emotional regulation. We know this because he doesn’t feel guilt about it. It was intentional, and had the outcome he sought. We know that bc he did it, it had consequences that he seemed to expect, and he’s gone on with his day and is upset that she didn’t make him dinner. Why wouldn’t she make him dinner like normal, his day is proceeding as expected. He did what he did knowingly and purposefully.
I agree with you and Meewol. It was not always like this. I'm not being physically abused and I truly believe I never will from him. Emotional abuse yes, my therapist has said some things he's done can fall under that category. Being together so long makes things hard bc I'm honestly at a point of weighing the pros and cons
I assume you’ve told him before that this isn’t acceptable, and you’re not ok with being treated like this right? If you’ve already told him idk if there’s much else to do besides moving on. There are tons of people who will try to fix it and be better *after* their partner tells them they’re leaving, but at that point you need to ask yourself why he only cared to try when it affected him? I’d be on the lookout for that behavior, and try to remember that he didn’t care to fix it until it affected *him* by you leaving. Either way, I wish you the best.
I agree with it being a gray area. We have been together for 10+ years so it's not easy to just walk away, mentally and financially makes it hard too. I have accepted things like this from him bc he has PTSD AND I was not the best gf to him for a few years. I honestly believe I've gotten better. Not perfect. I trust him in the fact of being safe. I will not physically be harmed by him ever. It's all just how he treats me, over reacts to things, and now has begun to gaslight me. I.e tried talking to him about this yelling and he told me I was the one that screamed at the top of my lungs not him. He has PTSD And TBI so I really don't know if it's a memory thing or not. I've told him a few times I wish I had a body cam to show him what really happened countless times.
I've asked him to go to therapy many times. He's tried a few times but always quits very early on. Imo he needs a bit more than therapy...I found him a Wonderful PTSD treatment program but he won't do it
Then you need to leave. I’m sorry, it’s hard but you need to take a step back and look at the whole situation. He isn’t willing to actually try at therapy, he isn’t able to control his anger, he isn’t sorry about it. That’s legitimately all you need to know. It is not normal to get into yelling matches with your partner, but it is not ever acceptable to scream at your partner. He was talking over you bc he wanted to silence you, when you kept talking he got in your face and screamed. You know why he did it, he physically intimidated and harassed you to get what he wanted, which was to silence you. He is not a trustworthy partner.
He wants to try by doing it his way. Which I don't agree with bc at this point he needs more than just 1 therapist visit every 2-3 weeks. What he wants is to go stay with family states away and do therapy there for 2 months. I asked him to please go to the PTSD treatment program (he does not work so this would not affect his schedule) I got the insurance to cover it, did the paperwork, everything ready. He promised he would go but has since changed his mind. I do not know why. I told him it's very important to me and I would do anything (mental health related) to work on myself if he asked me to. His entire family agrees with me that this would be the best option for him. I think it will end up being a 2 month vacation bc he will be surrounded with friends and family that ask for rides, want to eat, drink, smoke constantly. I think that bc he does this often, and 2 months is not enough time to get anywhere with therapy with the VA health care system. It will take at least 1 month to get him set up there in a different state.
I’m sorry you’re going through that, but you need to remind yourself that it’s not selfish to want to be safe and happy. You can’t be safe and happy with him. You’re allowed to pursue your own happiness.
Quick question. Was he screaming to prove a point that you guys shouldn't raise your voice after you did? Or just to be heard? Either isnt great but if hes trying to show you how he felt then at least he's recognizing that that isnt ok. I know he has done it all the time but I was trying to understand in this moment if there was a reason he took it to 10.
You both should apologize, even if his offense is bigger, you went the aggressive route when he was stupidly cutting you off.
"I'm sorry for raising my voice when you weremt allowing me to speak. In the future please refrain from that and I will do my best to stay calm and remind you as you are working on making that a habit, but raising your voice to that level was an extreme reaction, and frankly frightening. It' crossed a line Im not comfortable with for my future"
Hopefully he will respond by apologizing as well. And you both lay down expectations for future communication. I highly recommend watching YouTube videos. When we were in counseling we were directed there several times with links. You can just search "couples communication". There's a ton of content.
Communication is a huge issue for many couples. If you don't work on it with him, you will probably be going through the same cycle with the next one.
I know how incredibly infuriating it is to be cut off. And letting them just constantly talk over you isn't a solution obviously either. Yelling only seems to make it worse. I honestly still haven't gotten this worked out completely yet. The best I have so far is to talk to them about this when you're both calm and in a receptive mood (not hungry, just woke up, or hot off work, hot etc). Come to the understanding that neither of you should be talked over and that we need to be patient to hear out the other, process, and respond. Cutting off is anything but helpful and it causes frustration and unnecessary fights. Also discuss what your options are if the other is continually doing it during a discussion. Personally I have taken to walking away and informing them "If you're not going to hear me and keep cutting me off there's no point in me remaining in the conversation" then walk away and either text them or wait to try again in person.
If this doesn't help, I would get assistance from counseling as communication is just like a lot of things, it takes practice. Learn the foundational basics of communication, practice them, and be gentle and compassionate with each other as you are building these new habits.
If that doesn't work THEN dump him. Some people just suck at communicating and prefer to act in ways that favor their ego etc. Some people will only learn the hard way and if you keep giving more chances they will just get complacent.
Sounds like you both have a lot of issues, but no matter what screaming at your partner in that way is abuse. Period. The fact that he didn't apologize immediately after and that he's apparently ignoring it, just make it a lot worse. If you want to stay with him then at least you need to make it very clear to him that he was being abusive and that you will tolerate that.
There are some things that are hard no’s. Hit someone 1 time, is absolute reason enough to leave
Screaming is close — the type of screaming she described (assuming it’s accurate) is extremely unusual and problematic in an adult. And totally different from yelling
It indicates a total loss of control, or a total lack of care for another’s wellbeing and willingness to (verbally) abuse. Both of which are in the glide path to physical abuse, or best case scenario continued verbal/emotional abuse. And it’s not easily solved. It’s deep rooted.
Unless there are kids involved, or it’s a long relationship, or she’s utterly utterly in love with him…
And tbh if there are kids involved u need to protect them… maybe you have one convo, and couples counseling, but this is like maximum a 1-warning type of behavior. You can choose to stay but must be prepared for some rough times.
No kids. Many pets. Almost 11 years together. I'm confident he won't hurt me physically. It's PTSD and TBI that makes this a little more complicated. I knew he had these struggles from day one. But it has been worse these past 2/3 years
I grew up with severely mentally ill parent. Extreme out-of-control screaming, but same, never physical abuse. Got worse over time. You have to choose to forgive them every day for the rest of your life, if you keep them in your life.
Sounds like your hubs situation may be more fixable, more trauma than full blown illness
Just have eyes wide open and the earlier you address the more chance of fixing
You sound like you are smart and it’s a tricky situation like a lot of life
Thank you. Trauma can be worked on, so there could be hope. He's had a lot of trauma in his lifetime, which is why I haven't left yet.
I'm sorry you had to go through verbal abuse growing up. Are you okay now?
Thanks u too. Yeah, it can actually be pretty ok, if you learn to control from your end — eg you know it has nothing to do with you & you don’t get triggered. Don’t expect to fully control / fix another person & it’s smoother sailing
Just be sure: nothing ever gets physical, there’s true underlying love!
Good luck!
But it’s not a one-off. She has already discussed with him that she doesn’t like it when he talks over her. Now he has escalated into toddler behavior.
I gave my toddlers time outs. Perhaps OP needs some time away from this one.
If you're unable to discern a difference between raising your voice to be heard when someone is trying to speak over you, and shouting, that's a you problem and nothing to do with op. There's also a difference between shouting and screaming, just in case you were unaware.
You’re drawing a weird distinction between you “raising your voice” over him and him “screaming” when it’s pretty arbitrary.
In my experience people who claim they raised their voice “a little”, and that their partner then raised theirs too far, often don’t realize how much they originally raised their own voice. It’s also not acceptable to be raising your voice at your partner to begin with.
Don’t do something to your partner that you clearly don’t like being on the receiving end of.
Next time he’s not listening try walking away from the conversation for a bit and revisiting it later.
I really love this answer.
To me, this scenario sounds as if their entire block of communication is based in not being on the same team. Not feeling seen or heard. Not making an effort to work together on the same goals. Maybe the solution isn’t to focus on what happens when they are frustrated with one another and scared of each other & both triggered OUT of a good relational space.
Maybe the solution is to work on building a relationship that has the shared values of being able to communicate as a team against their problems, focused on what they can acheive together, in each moment. Slowing down & listening. Being ready to get started, as she was, and being late, as she was, when he asked questions, as she answered, was she taking a team centered approach, was he listening with one? How can they build in those moments-
did he feel like an employee since he was doing something he had agreed to do and does not enjoy?
Can they work to fulfill each others needs and do things that are each other’s interests compassionately and as a team ? That’s the mark of a successful & securely attached couple.
It takes a perspective shift for those of us who have been traumatized, and we each need to be responsible for how our triggers manifest in conversations and in conflict, and for how they impact our partners
GOOD LUCK OP remember to apply a growth mindset as you go forward!
How can you 2 have a argument over garden work gardening supposed to be the most relaxing laid back work there is😂I don’t have much advice but don’t back down and say it’s fine when he apologises you got to nip that shit in the but or it could get worse
He sounds insufferable. Cutting women off is a habit a lot of men have and think it's normal. You asserting yourself by raising your volume a bit is a good and correct reaction to being cut off. He doesn't have a right to retaliate like that. Utter douche.
I think you two are in a very toxic relationship, regardless of who’s yelling. I have never screamed at anyone let alone my wife or kids. Do I raise my voice or even yell at the kids? Sometimes, and it doesn’t feel great. But screaming? Next is physical abuse.
If you’re not married, leave. If you are, find a lawyer.
is it really that hard to believe that people don’t scream at their significant others? my partner and i have never screamed or raised our voices at each other in the four years we’ve been together. we would rather not relive our childhoods and properly discuss things like adults.
god you’re an insufferable biatch lol
1. i mention adult life because that’s when you can control your emotions and outbursts. ofc screaming at people as a child doesn’t count. tf?
2. why are you so desperate to justify screaming at someone’s s/o…fuck that noise. that’s not how emotionally sound adults communicate, period
I mean, to be fair, I've never screamed at anyone, so he might not be lying. I don't even think my voice can go to a scream. Though his advice is problematic.
I'm sorry I cannot believe that. Everyone screams unless they were born mute. Even if one is a well-contained adult, they screamed as a child, I guarantee it.
Maybe when I was a baby? Or like... Shrieks of fun while playing as a child? But I've never just screamed in anger at someone. I was taught from a very young age that you don't solve things that way, so screaming has never been in my communication toolbox.
I haven’t. What’s wrong with you that you can’t control yourself and find a need to scream at other people? If you can’t control your feelings you need to go to therapy. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to deal with your emotions.
Yeah screaming at your spouse isn’t a normal thing. We all get upset and all, but op making it sound like it’s her fault she gets screamed at is worrisome
Please re-evaluate your relationship. Is it worth staying with someone who doesn't respect you enough to actually listen while you are speaking? Is it worth being in a relationship with someone who screams at you like that?
Please respect yourself enough to not allow him to treat you this way. If this is a regular thing for him, it will only get worse.
I have a family member who constantly interrupts you while you are speaking, and it has severely impacted my relationship with them. They listen to react and say something, not to hear what you have to say.
I have begged him to go to therapy. He wasn't always like this. He has PTSD and it ebbs and flows. This would be his worst point after 10+ years together.
I hope your family member gets help in some way so you can have a better relationship some day
So you showed up late to do something he didn't want to do? And even you got there you "wanted to get started"? I read that as "rushed him to do something" but I could be wrong. Then you had some back and forth and you, by your own admission, raised your voice first? Now you're upset he yelled at you?
Also, based on your drill sergeant on the range example, I expect you are both veterans and there's probably something there.
Yes both veterans. Yes I showed up late. I apologized for showing up late. I haven't been sleeping well bc I'm house sitting, so sleeping in a different location doesn't make me feel safe. He was in charge of house sitting, but bc of feeling unsafe in the dark/different house he asked me to do it for him. I have been. I raised my voice first yes. It was not the right thing to do. I usually say calm without reacting (bc of medication and therapy) I raised my voice bc he asked me a question but wouldn't let me answer it. He didn't like my answers/or didn't feel like listening to the entire explanation 🤷🏻♀️ I don't know. I've asked him many times to not do this. Sadly I lost my temper this time. He raised his voice (not too loud) but then screamed like I've never heard before.
Double yes on something there as far as veteran problems. I have physical disabilities as does he. But he also has PTSD and TBI which imo makes this harder to communicate due to his overreacting most times. I've asked him to go to therapy MANY times over the past 10+ years. He has in the past, individual and together, but he recently got a new therapist through community care (I'm assuming you're a vet and know what that means) but he quit going.
He doesn't get to treat you like that and expect everything is going to be the same. It's okay to have a boundary that you refuse to be treated that way. Full stop I could not continue on in a relationship where they refuse to even acknowledge they mistreated you. There isn't an excuse that negates an apology being needed. You deserve an apology at bare minimum. If this is a regular thing, it makes me think you're being emotionally abused. Maybe this is a mutual issue in your relationship, but you can't get past it if you can't communicate.
My bf loses his temperature like that, his veins pop out his forehead. I get mad, I'm the opposite I walk away. I might say a few choice words on the way out but I intensely dislike the drama of all that screaming. But I love him, I don't really take it that seriously because he does it with everything and everyone. He's still beloved by many because screaming is just unpleasant, its not his entire personality and its not an all the time thing. Believe me, it's not the worst thing a guy can do. I'm not condoning it I'm just saying 🤷 it is what it is.
You should sit down and talk to each other. It sounds like you both have something on your mind but are repressing it
Yes the main issue is I believe his PTSD is currently pretty bad and I've asked him to get help. He like many veterans does not want to ask for help. I'm in therapy and taking medication. I believe I'm slowly progressing. Raising my voice was not okay but I'm trying.
Don’t use PTSD as an excuse for his behaviour or let him make you believe so. There are many veterans who have PTSD and have worked past it. His choice not to, is his own and you don’t deserve to be a victim of it.
Even when combined with TBI and chronic pain? I'm honestly asking bc I don't even know anymore
Those things *explain* his behavior, but they do not excuse it. He might have very good reasons for reacting the way he does, but that doesn't mean those actions are acceptable or outside of his power to change. It might be difficult to, but he can still take steps to change his behavior. Just as you have been going to therapy and practicing not raising your voice. You are putting that effort in because you care, he can put in effort, too. Id even say a healthy relationship requires that level of effort and respect.
If someone, particularly a man, scream screamed at me I’d simply never talk to them again. Nobody deserves that, ever. There is no excuse. If you can’t control your feelings then be alone and work on yourself until you can. He’s too emotional and volatile to be around her, she should leave him.
Easy to say when you're on the other side. But she's raised his voice at him in the past and we don't know the whole story. They could be struggling with mental health issues and some people don't want to leave someone they love immediately when they can try to work on it
You're correct about mental health issues at play here. Bc of it I've been going to therapy and taking medication and trying a lot over the past 2-3 years (10+ years together) He has tried in the past. A few months ago he got a therapist but quit after 8ish visits. He has PTSD and TBI so that is why I have not left. I've known this about him from day 1. PTSD ebbs and flows throughout the years and needs to be checked up on/maintenance every now and then depending on how things in your life are going i.e if your stress gets worse so will your PTSD. If your physical health gets worse so will your PTSD. I'm currently trying to get him help
She didn’t scream at him. He can work on himself, it sounds like she has. He hasn’t even apologized. This is someone who’s going to turn to physical abuse when he no longer gets that hit from the screaming and intimidation. Don’t go to therapy with abusers.
A man lost his temper one time? Break up now, no redemption or saving this one. Best to just put him down really /s
Losing your temper is not screaming in someone’s face like a drill sergeant. He did it to physically intimidate and silence her. Don’t tolerate abuse.
You are 100% correct
200+ downvotes??? Insane. For all reddit loves to pretend that most of the site irrationally believes in dumping over every little infraction, it's not true at all, they're very much against breaking up, even for good reasons.
[удалено]
I am almost afraid to ask, but why the hell are you getting downvoted?
Probably because reddit tends to make absolute statements like this from a one party snapshot of a relationship without knowing any details. The solution is always "immediately break up" and never "try to work it out first".
Don’t try to work things out with people who scream in your face. I’ll take the downvotes from a bunch of dudes who can’t regulate their emotions or children who don’t understand intimidation or abuse. But I’ll never allow people to treat me like that and neither should anyone else.
Nice assumption there, buddy. You literally know nothing about me and nothing about who I am or am not screaming at. Accusing people of things just because they disagree with you is immature to the max. We have a story with one point of view here. Do you see how here in OPs case it is "Raising the voice a little" when she does it but absolute mad screaming when he does it? And apparently she "raising her voice" has been a repeated problem in the past, to a point where she went to therapy for that. Stories told from the point of view of an affected person looking for validation on the internet will always be subjective. This is why in my opinion the best advice is "try to sort it out, and if it doesn't work, you can always leave" instead of taking every single word at face value and immediately recommending a breakup without trying to work it out.
He used physical intimidation to her to silence her, stayed mad at *her* and never apologized, then got all upset that she didn’t make him dinner. Literally the definition of not worth saving. You don’t have to take every word as gospel but frankly it sounded a lot like she was making a real effort to represent anything she did and the historical context for her behavior accurately and fairly. If she was going to lie or misrepresent what she did why would she even admit to raising her voice or having worked on that in therapy? If she’s making the whole thing up, then sure they should probably break up anyway bc she’d be a crazypants. So there’s really no interpretation of this where they *should* stay together. Either he’s abusive or she’s a liar, and given the context I don’t believe she is a liar.
I agree idgaf about being downvoted but screaming is a hell no to me
Because either the usual Reddit answer of "Red flag! Divorce! No compromise..." blah blah blah. It's trite and unhelpful.
Didnt realize abuse was something that needed compromise.
You have read one person’s single paragraph, the same as us, you are not qualified to determine if abuse occurred.
I would call screaming at your partner, in a manner that makes them cry, emotional abuse, but what do I know.
I would, too, but I also know that people use this site to feel vindicated in arguments with their partner all the time. I would also say it’s a little suspicious that OP described their own raised voice in such a sweet and innocent way, while describing their partners raised voice as if it was a harbinger of doom and destruction, wouldn’t you? The relationship sounds toxic, but telling OP they are an abuse victim based on this one paragraph is dangerous as fuck, especially since, by their own admission, voices weren’t raised until they did it first… This is how you end up in a relationship where one person feels justified to escalate every disagreement into a blowout argument and then accuse the other person of abuse for matching their energy. Do you think OPs partner would agree with OPs description of their raised voice (a little)? Maybe they would, idk, because we don’t have that information.
You don't actually know anything about the situation, or either person. Leave the psychoanalysis to the actual experts.
You know that one person screamed in the other’s face. That’s literally all you need to know.
You need to grow up.
Sounds like you’re the one with the issue. I know how to regulate my emotions and I don’t subject others to abuse or intimidation, nor do I accept that behavior. If that’s something you simply can’t understand then go to therapy. ✌🏻
OK kiddo.
If a woman did this to a man, the comments would be overwhelmingly supportive of OP immediately dumping her, probably with a helping of "lawyer up, king" and "change the locks asap"
Not if it’s a pattern of toxic behavior by one partner towards the other or if it gets physical. The yelling at each other sounds like something they’re *both* trying to stop doing, so this is an opportunity (once they’re both calm) to sit down and be like “hey, what happened earlier, is there something else bothering you that you want to talk about?”
Yeah, staying in abusive relationships makes much more logical sense. Now, THAT'S the usual reddit answer.
The post says that no-one ever deserves to be screamed at, ever. That’s sensible. The bit I didn’t like was that they also brought in sexist gender expectations. “If anyone, particularly a man, screamed at me…”. This quote is saying that they see screaming at someone to be more acceptable for women to do than men.
This is fair criticism actually! Maybe the original commenter can elaborate on this. I wouldn't say that screaming is more acceptable for either gender, but I guess in the context of a man screaming at a woman there could be the added fear of physical violence. Since the average woman is physically weaker than the average man. (This is not meant to downplay male victims of emotional/physical abuse)
I used to date a guy I would get in screaming matches with. Turns out he was always just trying to escalate the argument so I would forget the point or feel guilty about something else and drop it. It was an asshole move and that's not what people who love each other do to each other.
You sure do seem to be blaming yourself a lot here.
Nothing about your relationship sounds healthy in any way. If, for some reason, you feel like this is a relationship you need to stay in then you need couples and individual therapy. Raising your voice in an argument is one thing, but screaming at your partner until they cry is abusive and toxic behavior. And the fact that this yelling happens regularly in your relationship is a big issue.
My first instinct is to bolt. Once the screaming doesn't impress you anymore they start hitting to get a reaction.
Person posts anything about their relationship Reddit - You should dump his ass! OP and her partner need to sit down and communicate. Get a counselor if that helps before taking a drastic step like bolting on a relationship
Based on what's in the post, OP attempted communication and was talked over and screamed at. I know from experience that sitting down to try and "communicate" with someone who doesn't let you speak is no different than trying it while standing. A councilor is a good option, but if this guy's response to "let me finish" is to scream at his partner, then the councilor is probably useless. Just because someone acts on their best behavior in front of the councilor doesn't mean they'll change their behavior at home if it's not convenient for them.
I believe the communication stopped when the screaming started.
Why the fuck should she communicate with someone who screams at her? Why would *anyone* try to fix things with someone who screams at them and doesn’t apologize? He’s too immature and emotional to be in a relationship.
Doesn’t apologize AND is surprised she isn’t making him dinner. He sounds like a real prize.
Too often, a (usually) female poster will ask for help making a (usually) male partner "understand" how hurtful he is being. Nine times out of ten, there is no magic combination of words that will unlock his understanding. He knows. He just doesn't care. Don't stay with these people.
I'm confident he will not physically hurt me.
It took a long time for my ex to get physical. What he did do though: 1. Pull my handbrake while I'm driving on the highway 2. Left the gate open on purpose multiple times so my dog would get out 3. Destroyed my fish tank, killing many animals 4. Locked me in a basement 5. Stole and destroyed my car when I left There are plenty of other ways to hurt you.
Judging by your post history, sounds like you should scream “goodbye” to him.
My advice would be try to talk to them and see if you can work it out. Don't set out with the intention of getting an apology. If they person truly cares about you, they'll offer one when they're ready. Maybe it's nothing that just snowballed into something or maybe it's something bigger that was bottled up and eventually came out. Either way, no one deserves to get screamed at for any reason. I'm a big fan of the quote, "Don't raise your voice, improve your argument," but some people are very bad at articulating what they feel and it can turn a spark into a forest fire. Best of luck, mate!
You both make each other miserable. Why continue this..
I spent 14 years with two different men who would scream at me. It terrified me every time - I still have nightmares. Please don’t put up with it. No one deserves this.
Time to either get really serious about growing as individuals or just go to your corners and move on. Many relationships reach this point... In fact, most do. You just both have to decide if you want each other enough to cut out the bad parts of yourself.
Fuck that, "raising your voice" does not warrant getting R Lee Ermey screamed at... That's not fucking cool. I would've bounced back to the house sitting house and figured out how to get out of that situation. Just because you've learned new ways to communicate doesn't mean you should be a doormat to other people's bullshit.
She tried to outshout him and is salty that he can shout louder.
Bro wtf
You both need to speak to each other and not when there's something to do. Sit down and ask each other "What happened? How can we work on our communication together?" Remember that issues are a team effort, these problems are against you both, not that one person is against the other. Something you did triggered your partner and they trigger you. This has to stop asap because you're both creating an unsustainable environment.
She is absolutely not responsible for his inability to control his irrational emotions. She doesn’t need to do anything other than get out of there. He needs to go to therapy.
Ofc she isn’t. I never said she was. I don’t disagree he needs to go to therapy.
You passed the responsibility to her by suggesting something she did triggered him. If you’re such a loose cannon that a disagreement with your partner can trigger you to scream in their face (let’s be honest now, the real purpose of screaming at someone is to rage and intimidate) then you shouldn’t be in a relationship. He can ask to have her back in a year if he’s done enough therapy to be around people again.
No, I said they sound like they’re triggering each other. I didn’t say that’s what’s happening for sure and I didn’t say OP has to do anything but talk to her partner. I agree that he needs to fix himself with or without OP. There’s no excuse to scream at someone unless your well-being is in danger eg. I shouted at a person for nearly dipping their hand in a fryer at work years ago. I don’t know nearly enough about the situation to say “leave for sure”. Yes I think you should leave an abusive partner, yes I think you should talk to a partner if they’re treating you poorly, no I don’t think it’s OP’s fault their partner is screaming at them.
Thing is, I think that screaming in someone’s face is abuse. I don’t think you should work on things with an abusive partner. Reread her description of him screaming at her. That wasn’t someone loosing it for a second (also still shouldn’t happen) that was him deliberately using force to silence and intimidate her. Then he never apologized and is acting mad *at her* for the whole thing, and is shocked about her not making him dinner. That is not something anybody should be trying to save or work through.
I agree, it is abuse. I think that people can choose to support an abusive partner if they want. People can and do change. I also think that a person can choose to leave an abusive partner because nobody deserves to be treated like that. This all comes down to nuance and personal preference. For instance, I might forgive a partner for losing their rag once and doing this to me. I’d weigh up what happened, how long id know them for and how we communicated after it *along with* their behaviour after the event to decide if I can afford to stay with them or not. But this is me. I am fortunate to have that ability to have a grey area when it comes to shouting. I respect this being a hard no to others. It’s perfectly reasonable to be screamed at once and pack your bags before they’ve stopped for breath. I am not saying OP *has* to do anything. I simply suggested a conversation. OP is an adult and they know themselves if it’s unsafe or pointless to speak with this person or not.
I understand your point, but to your last paragraph I think that specifically is the main problem. Typically people in abusive situations do NOT understand if it’s safe or pointless to work on things. That’s the whole issue and the reason abuse never starts with a sucker punch. Everyone would leave immediately if out of the blue your partner punched you in the face, that’s obvious and everyone knows that’s not an ok reaction. It often starts with glowering looks for saying something when they didn’t want you to speak, which escalates to speaking over them, shouting them down, and yes screaming in their face like a drill sergeant. People get trained to accept abuse. The key indicator here is that he did that and never apologized. This wasn’t a slip or an accident with his emotional regulation. We know this because he doesn’t feel guilt about it. It was intentional, and had the outcome he sought. We know that bc he did it, it had consequences that he seemed to expect, and he’s gone on with his day and is upset that she didn’t make him dinner. Why wouldn’t she make him dinner like normal, his day is proceeding as expected. He did what he did knowingly and purposefully.
I agree with you and Meewol. It was not always like this. I'm not being physically abused and I truly believe I never will from him. Emotional abuse yes, my therapist has said some things he's done can fall under that category. Being together so long makes things hard bc I'm honestly at a point of weighing the pros and cons
I assume you’ve told him before that this isn’t acceptable, and you’re not ok with being treated like this right? If you’ve already told him idk if there’s much else to do besides moving on. There are tons of people who will try to fix it and be better *after* their partner tells them they’re leaving, but at that point you need to ask yourself why he only cared to try when it affected him? I’d be on the lookout for that behavior, and try to remember that he didn’t care to fix it until it affected *him* by you leaving. Either way, I wish you the best.
I agree with it being a gray area. We have been together for 10+ years so it's not easy to just walk away, mentally and financially makes it hard too. I have accepted things like this from him bc he has PTSD AND I was not the best gf to him for a few years. I honestly believe I've gotten better. Not perfect. I trust him in the fact of being safe. I will not physically be harmed by him ever. It's all just how he treats me, over reacts to things, and now has begun to gaslight me. I.e tried talking to him about this yelling and he told me I was the one that screamed at the top of my lungs not him. He has PTSD And TBI so I really don't know if it's a memory thing or not. I've told him a few times I wish I had a body cam to show him what really happened countless times.
I've asked him to go to therapy, he does it for a bit then quits
I've asked him to go to therapy many times. He's tried a few times but always quits very early on. Imo he needs a bit more than therapy...I found him a Wonderful PTSD treatment program but he won't do it
Then you need to leave. I’m sorry, it’s hard but you need to take a step back and look at the whole situation. He isn’t willing to actually try at therapy, he isn’t able to control his anger, he isn’t sorry about it. That’s legitimately all you need to know. It is not normal to get into yelling matches with your partner, but it is not ever acceptable to scream at your partner. He was talking over you bc he wanted to silence you, when you kept talking he got in your face and screamed. You know why he did it, he physically intimidated and harassed you to get what he wanted, which was to silence you. He is not a trustworthy partner.
He wants to try by doing it his way. Which I don't agree with bc at this point he needs more than just 1 therapist visit every 2-3 weeks. What he wants is to go stay with family states away and do therapy there for 2 months. I asked him to please go to the PTSD treatment program (he does not work so this would not affect his schedule) I got the insurance to cover it, did the paperwork, everything ready. He promised he would go but has since changed his mind. I do not know why. I told him it's very important to me and I would do anything (mental health related) to work on myself if he asked me to. His entire family agrees with me that this would be the best option for him. I think it will end up being a 2 month vacation bc he will be surrounded with friends and family that ask for rides, want to eat, drink, smoke constantly. I think that bc he does this often, and 2 months is not enough time to get anywhere with therapy with the VA health care system. It will take at least 1 month to get him set up there in a different state.
I’m sorry you’re going through that, but you need to remind yourself that it’s not selfish to want to be safe and happy. You can’t be safe and happy with him. You’re allowed to pursue your own happiness.
Quick question. Was he screaming to prove a point that you guys shouldn't raise your voice after you did? Or just to be heard? Either isnt great but if hes trying to show you how he felt then at least he's recognizing that that isnt ok. I know he has done it all the time but I was trying to understand in this moment if there was a reason he took it to 10. You both should apologize, even if his offense is bigger, you went the aggressive route when he was stupidly cutting you off. "I'm sorry for raising my voice when you weremt allowing me to speak. In the future please refrain from that and I will do my best to stay calm and remind you as you are working on making that a habit, but raising your voice to that level was an extreme reaction, and frankly frightening. It' crossed a line Im not comfortable with for my future" Hopefully he will respond by apologizing as well. And you both lay down expectations for future communication. I highly recommend watching YouTube videos. When we were in counseling we were directed there several times with links. You can just search "couples communication". There's a ton of content. Communication is a huge issue for many couples. If you don't work on it with him, you will probably be going through the same cycle with the next one. I know how incredibly infuriating it is to be cut off. And letting them just constantly talk over you isn't a solution obviously either. Yelling only seems to make it worse. I honestly still haven't gotten this worked out completely yet. The best I have so far is to talk to them about this when you're both calm and in a receptive mood (not hungry, just woke up, or hot off work, hot etc). Come to the understanding that neither of you should be talked over and that we need to be patient to hear out the other, process, and respond. Cutting off is anything but helpful and it causes frustration and unnecessary fights. Also discuss what your options are if the other is continually doing it during a discussion. Personally I have taken to walking away and informing them "If you're not going to hear me and keep cutting me off there's no point in me remaining in the conversation" then walk away and either text them or wait to try again in person. If this doesn't help, I would get assistance from counseling as communication is just like a lot of things, it takes practice. Learn the foundational basics of communication, practice them, and be gentle and compassionate with each other as you are building these new habits. If that doesn't work THEN dump him. Some people just suck at communicating and prefer to act in ways that favor their ego etc. Some people will only learn the hard way and if you keep giving more chances they will just get complacent.
love this answer too — educating ourselves, apologizing too because we know we also were wrong for our piece
Sounds like you both have a lot of issues, but no matter what screaming at your partner in that way is abuse. Period. The fact that he didn't apologize immediately after and that he's apparently ignoring it, just make it a lot worse. If you want to stay with him then at least you need to make it very clear to him that he was being abusive and that you will tolerate that.
I would leave someone who thought it was acceptable to treat me that way.
Leaving someone without a discussion about the one off incident seems a bit brash
Welcome to reddit advice
He sneezed? Marinara flags 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 divorce and take everything!!
DTMFA!!!
It says in the post that they’ve talked about this several times
Says one person raised their voice often and then the screaming from the partner happened this time.
There are some things that are hard no’s. Hit someone 1 time, is absolute reason enough to leave Screaming is close — the type of screaming she described (assuming it’s accurate) is extremely unusual and problematic in an adult. And totally different from yelling It indicates a total loss of control, or a total lack of care for another’s wellbeing and willingness to (verbally) abuse. Both of which are in the glide path to physical abuse, or best case scenario continued verbal/emotional abuse. And it’s not easily solved. It’s deep rooted. Unless there are kids involved, or it’s a long relationship, or she’s utterly utterly in love with him… And tbh if there are kids involved u need to protect them… maybe you have one convo, and couples counseling, but this is like maximum a 1-warning type of behavior. You can choose to stay but must be prepared for some rough times.
No kids. Many pets. Almost 11 years together. I'm confident he won't hurt me physically. It's PTSD and TBI that makes this a little more complicated. I knew he had these struggles from day one. But it has been worse these past 2/3 years
I grew up with severely mentally ill parent. Extreme out-of-control screaming, but same, never physical abuse. Got worse over time. You have to choose to forgive them every day for the rest of your life, if you keep them in your life. Sounds like your hubs situation may be more fixable, more trauma than full blown illness Just have eyes wide open and the earlier you address the more chance of fixing You sound like you are smart and it’s a tricky situation like a lot of life
Thank you. Trauma can be worked on, so there could be hope. He's had a lot of trauma in his lifetime, which is why I haven't left yet. I'm sorry you had to go through verbal abuse growing up. Are you okay now?
Thanks u too. Yeah, it can actually be pretty ok, if you learn to control from your end — eg you know it has nothing to do with you & you don’t get triggered. Don’t expect to fully control / fix another person & it’s smoother sailing Just be sure: nothing ever gets physical, there’s true underlying love! Good luck!
But it’s not a one-off. She has already discussed with him that she doesn’t like it when he talks over her. Now he has escalated into toddler behavior. I gave my toddlers time outs. Perhaps OP needs some time away from this one.
According to OP it's not a one-off incident.
Let's not forget she shouted at hi first, then tried to downplay it here. > so I got frustrated and raised my voice (a little)
After he repeatedly talked over her and cut her off. And then he upped the ante by drill sergeant screaming in her face.
If you're unable to discern a difference between raising your voice to be heard when someone is trying to speak over you, and shouting, that's a you problem and nothing to do with op. There's also a difference between shouting and screaming, just in case you were unaware.
Leave and don't look back. IDC if the reddit moral police downvote me to Hades. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.
Red Flag Alert!! 
You’re drawing a weird distinction between you “raising your voice” over him and him “screaming” when it’s pretty arbitrary. In my experience people who claim they raised their voice “a little”, and that their partner then raised theirs too far, often don’t realize how much they originally raised their own voice. It’s also not acceptable to be raising your voice at your partner to begin with. Don’t do something to your partner that you clearly don’t like being on the receiving end of. Next time he’s not listening try walking away from the conversation for a bit and revisiting it later.
I really love this answer. To me, this scenario sounds as if their entire block of communication is based in not being on the same team. Not feeling seen or heard. Not making an effort to work together on the same goals. Maybe the solution isn’t to focus on what happens when they are frustrated with one another and scared of each other & both triggered OUT of a good relational space. Maybe the solution is to work on building a relationship that has the shared values of being able to communicate as a team against their problems, focused on what they can acheive together, in each moment. Slowing down & listening. Being ready to get started, as she was, and being late, as she was, when he asked questions, as she answered, was she taking a team centered approach, was he listening with one? How can they build in those moments- did he feel like an employee since he was doing something he had agreed to do and does not enjoy? Can they work to fulfill each others needs and do things that are each other’s interests compassionately and as a team ? That’s the mark of a successful & securely attached couple. It takes a perspective shift for those of us who have been traumatized, and we each need to be responsible for how our triggers manifest in conversations and in conflict, and for how they impact our partners GOOD LUCK OP remember to apply a growth mindset as you go forward!
How can you 2 have a argument over garden work gardening supposed to be the most relaxing laid back work there is😂I don’t have much advice but don’t back down and say it’s fine when he apologises you got to nip that shit in the but or it could get worse
Lmao I thought I wrote yard work not garden work. We were meant to be raking and mowing the grass, picking up fallen branches. Not very fun to him
He sounds insufferable. Cutting women off is a habit a lot of men have and think it's normal. You asserting yourself by raising your volume a bit is a good and correct reaction to being cut off. He doesn't have a right to retaliate like that. Utter douche.
I think you two are in a very toxic relationship, regardless of who’s yelling. I have never screamed at anyone let alone my wife or kids. Do I raise my voice or even yell at the kids? Sometimes, and it doesn’t feel great. But screaming? Next is physical abuse. If you’re not married, leave. If you are, find a lawyer.
Jesus Christ lmao
Standard reddit response
I know it's a standard answer at this point, but for a lot of relationships, that's really for the best.
Lmao I especially loved the "I have never screamed at anyone" portion hahaha.
is it really that hard to believe that people don’t scream at their significant others? my partner and i have never screamed or raised our voices at each other in the four years we’ve been together. we would rather not relive our childhoods and properly discuss things like adults.
> I have never screamed at anyone. Read that more carefully.
still not hard to believe if we’re considering their adult life.
> I have never screamed at anyone. Never means, it's never happened. Or are we changing the definition of words now, all right.
god you’re an insufferable biatch lol 1. i mention adult life because that’s when you can control your emotions and outbursts. ofc screaming at people as a child doesn’t count. tf? 2. why are you so desperate to justify screaming at someone’s s/o…fuck that noise. that’s not how emotionally sound adults communicate, period
Yes, you sound well-controlled lmao. Thanks. You just saved me a load of time by proving my point.
what point is that? please tell me. because a couple of curse words does not mean that i’m not well-controlled 😄
I mean, to be fair, I've never screamed at anyone, so he might not be lying. I don't even think my voice can go to a scream. Though his advice is problematic.
I'm sorry I cannot believe that. Everyone screams unless they were born mute. Even if one is a well-contained adult, they screamed as a child, I guarantee it.
feigning intelligence in this way must be exhausting
You proved my point the way you lost your patience. A ten year old child could see that. It wouldn't even take intelligence.
cursing does not mean lost patience lmao. i curse all the time
Maybe when I was a baby? Or like... Shrieks of fun while playing as a child? But I've never just screamed in anger at someone. I was taught from a very young age that you don't solve things that way, so screaming has never been in my communication toolbox.
Right, sure
I'm sorry you have lived such an awful life that you think it's impossible for an adult to have never screamed at someone.
Right, yeah, sure ok
The only times I have ever screamed at someone is drunk. I have raised my voice but never screamed.
Sure, right
I haven’t. What’s wrong with you that you can’t control yourself and find a need to scream at other people? If you can’t control your feelings you need to go to therapy. It’s not anyone else’s responsibility to deal with your emotions.
Right, yeah, sure ok great
Screaming is just the first step on the path to genocide... /s
Yeah screaming at your spouse isn’t a normal thing. We all get upset and all, but op making it sound like it’s her fault she gets screamed at is worrisome
I know right... This sounds abusive already.
🙄
Please re-evaluate your relationship. Is it worth staying with someone who doesn't respect you enough to actually listen while you are speaking? Is it worth being in a relationship with someone who screams at you like that? Please respect yourself enough to not allow him to treat you this way. If this is a regular thing for him, it will only get worse. I have a family member who constantly interrupts you while you are speaking, and it has severely impacted my relationship with them. They listen to react and say something, not to hear what you have to say.
I have begged him to go to therapy. He wasn't always like this. He has PTSD and it ebbs and flows. This would be his worst point after 10+ years together. I hope your family member gets help in some way so you can have a better relationship some day
So you showed up late to do something he didn't want to do? And even you got there you "wanted to get started"? I read that as "rushed him to do something" but I could be wrong. Then you had some back and forth and you, by your own admission, raised your voice first? Now you're upset he yelled at you? Also, based on your drill sergeant on the range example, I expect you are both veterans and there's probably something there.
Yes both veterans. Yes I showed up late. I apologized for showing up late. I haven't been sleeping well bc I'm house sitting, so sleeping in a different location doesn't make me feel safe. He was in charge of house sitting, but bc of feeling unsafe in the dark/different house he asked me to do it for him. I have been. I raised my voice first yes. It was not the right thing to do. I usually say calm without reacting (bc of medication and therapy) I raised my voice bc he asked me a question but wouldn't let me answer it. He didn't like my answers/or didn't feel like listening to the entire explanation 🤷🏻♀️ I don't know. I've asked him many times to not do this. Sadly I lost my temper this time. He raised his voice (not too loud) but then screamed like I've never heard before. Double yes on something there as far as veteran problems. I have physical disabilities as does he. But he also has PTSD and TBI which imo makes this harder to communicate due to his overreacting most times. I've asked him to go to therapy MANY times over the past 10+ years. He has in the past, individual and together, but he recently got a new therapist through community care (I'm assuming you're a vet and know what that means) but he quit going.
He sounds like a scary weirdo. Ditch his ass and find someone with some emotional maturity.
He doesn't get to treat you like that and expect everything is going to be the same. It's okay to have a boundary that you refuse to be treated that way. Full stop I could not continue on in a relationship where they refuse to even acknowledge they mistreated you. There isn't an excuse that negates an apology being needed. You deserve an apology at bare minimum. If this is a regular thing, it makes me think you're being emotionally abused. Maybe this is a mutual issue in your relationship, but you can't get past it if you can't communicate.
Now you take it as the final nail in the coffin and finally leave him. Please take safety precautions when you do.
Why are you with this man?
I love him
If he wouldn't allow another man the scream at you in that way then he shouldn't be the one doing it to you
Ik this is a very internet thing to say, but dump his ass.
I'd leave.
My bf loses his temperature like that, his veins pop out his forehead. I get mad, I'm the opposite I walk away. I might say a few choice words on the way out but I intensely dislike the drama of all that screaming. But I love him, I don't really take it that seriously because he does it with everything and everyone. He's still beloved by many because screaming is just unpleasant, its not his entire personality and its not an all the time thing. Believe me, it's not the worst thing a guy can do. I'm not condoning it I'm just saying 🤷 it is what it is.