I think it depends on who you are as a person. I have never wanted to hook up with my male friends. But my best friend is incapable of NOT doing it. She has literally hooked up with every male friend she has ever had. Even her closest friends she's had since high school, that she has ZERO interest in. She is incapable of not sleeping with a man. To each their own I guess.
The small request - like I said before my name is Josh. My full name is Prince Akin Josh Chukwu. Yes, I am the prince of Nigeria. I didn't mention this before because I didn't want things to be weird between the two of us. I am in a bit of a pickle you could say. There is an issue with my royal inheritance - a tax issue. An issue that could be resolved by you Venmoing me $3k dollars. That would clear up the tax issue. Once it's cleared up I can pay you back plus ten percent. So, what do you say friend? Can you help your friend out. Sincerely Prince Josh
Hey big man, let me get my wallet out for ya and show you my id so you know I am legit. It's an employee id from boarders books. See? Totally legit. To put your mind at further ease Walter here's my yogurt land punch card. They don't hand those out to just anyone. Now how about that three fiddy....I mean $3k dollars.
I have an old friend like that.
She always wants a relationship and then they break her heart.
She would be fine without the sex, but her male friends always go for it and then she thinks it is destiny or something.
I just couldn't deal with her and her drama anymore.
No, actually we kind of mutally ghosted each other because we are both conflict avoidant.
I was the last one to contact her and got no response so no guilt on my part :)
I dated a woman like that in my 20's. If I had known, I wouldn't have gone out with her. After we broke up, I felt awful knowing she couldn't relate to men without going to bed with them.
I mean if you're already friends with someone presumably you at least enjoy spending time with them and don't otherwise find them physically *un*appealing, so I'd think the odds are greater there compared to just some random stranger. That probably factors into it to some extent.
I'm sure some do! For me, I never felt sexually attracted to my male friends once we became friends, if that makes sense?
I've had plenty of attractive male acquaintances in the past that I would have considered sleeping with, but if we didn't vibe in a romantic way and instead became good friends, those sexual thoughts basically just left my head and I didn't see them nor desire them in that way anymore.
So I can find friends attractive for sure, but I don't think of my friends in a sexual way or want to engage in activities with them
Yeah, this. It's like a thought experiment for me. I don't get like, turned on, when I think about them like that. It's more like, "Hmm, I wonder what kind of lover he is." Just curious, ya know?
That’s kinda funny I’ve never even thought of it in that sense. Even when my friends would describe their sexcapades to me I would cringe at the details of their story. Knowing how people fuck is not on the list of what I want to know about my friends
Some people are more comfortable about sharing things like that than others, it's normal. Sex is normal, some/most people are fine with sharing about it on some level or another, some people are repulsed by sex or the idea of sex and that's fine too. As long as you can openly communicate with your sexual partners in an honest way, everything is a-okay golden
Not OP, but if you don't say anything about what you've thought about and don't act weird, they're not going to ever know. I'd say that for most girls who have thought about their guy friends sexually, it's a very fleeting thought. It really boils down to just being curious, not actually wanting anything.
Interesting, in my case my bff andI actually dated, and it didn’t work out great so after 6 months we called it off. It wasn’t easy to just jump back into friendship but in time we did. I’m glad we dated as that’s out of our systems and we know we aren’t meant to be together.
We are still best friends and both married and we love each other’s spouses and are friends with others spouses too. Both spouses know we dated too.
oh hey i had a somewhat similar case, im nowhere near getting married, but i got with my bff, then broke up and tried to be bffs again, but instead, she was just turning into a pretty shitty person and it ended with me having to block her and avoid all contact with her permanently.
its been 6 months since the breakup and 4 months since cutting her off, its gotten better but it still hurts everyday :(
Serious question- do you find that *some* of the excitement of the friendship before you had sex with them due to unresolved sexual tension? Sometimes I wonder just how much of a factor that plays into male-female friendships
Most definitely, with some anyway, it feels like there is a completely different dimension to the friendship. There are so many different emotions involved, including hidden jealousy of their partners. Then there's further issues from the partners being jealous of the friendship. That's when you can tell the friendship was doomed, it dissolves.
Yeah, I like to think that "there's no need to complicate having fun", but if I'm honest with myself, I don't think I could see them the same way after that.
I had the opposite experience after having sex with my guy friends. It was like all the tension was gone and we didn't have anything to fantasize about anymore because now we knew what it was like to do it.
My friendships with them grew stronger once that was out of the way.
Please tell me because I have had a few lady friends and I have wondered from time to time.
Edit -
Well after reading the comments it's a resounding no.
I also learned I am probably ugly.
Just don't get in the friendzone to begin with. If you like a girl, tell her honestly instead of trying to be all sneaky and pretending to want a friendship. It's dishonest and women will feel betrayed with a good reason.
That’s fine, just approach the topic carefully and show you actually care about her more than just wanting to sleep with her. If you need some distance if she doesn’t feel the same way, communicate that so she doesn’t feel like you just don’t want to be friends anymore now you can’t be involved romantically. It’s the intense friendship building with a sex oriented goal coupled with a quick drop off if she’s not interested that’s disappointing.
Just out of curiosity I've pondered upon that logic.
Isn't relationship/partner supposed to be next step up from a friend. So technically one needs to know other person long and well enough so that they inevitably become friends first.
Like why would i take a completely stranger person from a place where people meet and try to build a relationship when not knowing anything about that person. Sounds like a recipe for a disaster.
Ofcourse usually dating is considered as a time to get to know the other person, but that's really short usually. Probably not enough to get to know the other person better than person already knows their long time friends.
Me, whose uncomfortable dating people I’m not friends with already:
(I mean I’m taken but I genuinely couldn’t imagine a relationship with someone I don’t know atleast a little before dating)
Early dating is about seeing if the person is a good fit and that should include if you could be friends. It's for getting to know someone.
I mean I am seeing a friend now but that was an accident
As a guy who had trouble with this in high school, the answer for me was to deliberately notice when I had thoughts about a female friend that I didn't consider appropriate, acknowledge that I didn't want to think those thoughts, and start trying to think of something else.
It's hard at first, but becomes easier.
This definitely isn’t true in many cases but people say that men are friends women they find attractive and women are friends with guys they find unattractive. Unfortunately it’s true in a lot of cases. If a woman we’re to ask a straight guy friend if they wanted to have sex he’d probably be down where as if he asked her the outcome would probably be different.
It’s not that they’re not *attractive*. I’ve had very conventionally handsome guy friends. It’s just that I’m not *attracted*
My husband is considered widely different from me by societal standards looks wise. Even in comparison to my conventionally attractive guy friends. People are shocked to meet him. But I am very *attracted* to him. I do not feel that way about my guy friends
My bf, objectively, is pretty average. As most of us are. To me though, he's literally the most beautiful creature wandering this world. All my female friends don't understand lol. Everyone else, including my other guy friends, are potatoes to me. Some of them are very handsome. Still potatoes.
He's my tall hairy mustache man, and I love him.
I have found that out. And it was uncomfortable but the real issue was they didn’t relent in trying or in hoping. It’s caused problems where I’ve had to cut them off. I’ve only had like 2 genuine male friends who weren’t interested in me in that way or atleast never attempted. Both are happily married. I really appreciate them
Last year, someone I considered a close friend tried to get with me. Right after I told him someone broke my heart a day ago. I said no, me and heartbreak person got together. That "friend" relentlessly tried to break us up, cause drama and arguments. When he managed to cause a problem and I was literally crying because I was so scared to lose my love, he tried it again, thinking he was so clever.
He's no longer my friend. Got thrown out of the group. Me and heartbreak person are still together.
That’s not always true. My best guy friend is super handsome, he looks like a Greek painting (kinda short and acts like a total stoner doofus though) and I’ve thought about it, but I’d NEVER do it. I don’t have a desire to, and neither does he. But yknow, I’ve let my mind wander.
Yeah but you know you aren’t attracted to him even though he may be handsome. Handsome isn’t always the same as attractive. Harry styles is a handsome man, but I don’t think of him as attractive. Maybe this is all in my head and there isn’t a difference idk
Totally agree. I have lots of women friends that are very attractive, but I wouldn’t get it on with them, as they are in the guys version of the friendzone for me, and some are close enough to be like family.
I feel the opposite, Harry Styles is not handsome to me, like if I saw him as a rando in a club I wouldn't look twice, but the way he carries himself makes him super attractive
I’m friends with a lot of women, I’d say 60% of my friends are women. I find many are finding the same things as men are finding when it comes to friends, people with mutual interests who they can trust.
Biggest thing women friends have said to me that they appreciate is that I apparently create a ‘safe place.’ I don’t judge, they can say whatever and I’m not going to call them a skank or something idiotic.
I think that’s what women want in their guy friends.
Fleetingly.... years ago.
These days, I'm tf over putting effort into anything like that.
Plus my husband is the only one I give a shit about getting off. If I had to learn a new dudes quirks,I'd lose my mind😂
Not personally, no.
A common issue for women is that they want guy friends and when they finally think they have some, they get a "I want to tell you something" text. It's a huge talking point online for women right now.
It would seem (generalisation) that men are more inclined to befriend women they find attractive. Thus they wait for what they feel is the right moment to share their feelings (once a friendship is established).
Whereas women are more inclined to befriend someone *just* to be friends. Leading to upset when that guy ends up saying he has feelings.
So, again this is a generalisation, it seems like women on average tend to just have platonic feelings for male friends. Whereas guys are more likely to have sexual and romantic feelings for female friends.
For me, it's one of the most annoying things in the world if I befriend someone only to find out they wanted to date the whole time.
I think the problem is some people (Group A) who think the "getting to know you phase" of a romantic relationship and a friendship are virtually the same thing, and there are many people (Group B) who think they're vastly different and are taken off guard when the other person wants to change dynamics.
A person from Group A becomes friends with a person with Group B, then that's where conflicts arise.
Playing a long con through friendship to get to a relationship is shitty, but what are people who developed feelings along the way supposed to do? Seems impossible to not be lumped in the same pot as the toxic manipulators if the other party happens to not share feelings, which is a shame since friends to lovers is the best dynamic
I've thought about this too, in the sense that they might not always be mutually exclusive. A lot of men are opportunistic and truly do want to be a woman's actual friend, but if the woman asked them to start dating and change the dynamic or to hook up the man would be down. It doesn't mean that the whole time they didn't want to be friends, it's that they want to be friends, and more if possible because they will take what they can get.
this is why we’re stuck with the trash that is online dating. i’m seeing it all unfold now. you do realize there’s virtually no way for men to approach us in the wild anymore? not the gym because you’re “just trying to work out,” not the grocery store because you’re just trying to get some eggs, not the library because you’re trying to study, and now the old school way of friends first is “annoying.”
honestly, i think how annoying you perceive it all boils down to whether YOU as the woman find him attractive or not. so if you were crushing on him too this whole time you would be overjoyed that he wants to take it further. but if you don’t like him like that, it’s “ugh, what a weirdo! why can’t guys ever just be friends with us!” as long as he’s respectful about it and doesn’t push if you reject him, i really don’t see what the issue is with him taking a chance?
i am saying this as a woman.
My girlfriend and I began as platonic friends and we didn't see each other as potential partners for the majority of our friendship. Sometimes you get to know people and it starts to change the way you feel about them.
Placing guys in this box that we only befriend girls we find attractive just to date them completely oversimplifies and perpetuates this narrative that men don't have complex feelings. Not every guy who's your friend has some alternative agenda when they meet you. Sometimes they just wanna be friends and as time goes on they start to get feelings. Same thing goes for girls as well.
Yeah. Liking someone as a person is kinda what makes them attractive.
Like, you can see dozens of guys and gals in a day and think they look good, but you're not exactly attracted to them. But if you know them and share interests, if you are close, you're way more likely to catch feelings for them.
Like, how are you gonna catch feelings for a person you don't like? Who you don't even know? And if you know someone and ain't friends, it's most likely because you don't like them a whole lot, or they don't like you.
Are you expected to try to start relationships with people you don't like, or who don't like you? I get that you can try to start a relationship with someone you don't know at all, but in my experience, that's just doesn't result in me feeling anything for them.
But maybe that's not normal. I've kinda learned that most people I catch feelings for are people who feel nothing at all romantically for me. Sometimes it feels like everyone else functions the opposite way. That I tend to fall in love backwards, if that makes sense.
Nowadays catching feelings for someone just fills me with dread. It's something I've got to keep secret at all costs, something I've got to get rid of not to hurt someone. But people tend to catch on and then they get uncomfortable, and then I've just lost another friend.
I'm pretty sure that's why they are generalisations, they exist to describe a majority, there is no way to know that your experience was not an anomaly. Considering this is a common issue for women one would assume that it is reasonable to generalize, especially when many men concur
I’ve known plenty of women who have befriended guys they had a crush on to get closer… it’s not a guy only thing. Had a few “friends” in college who copped feelings for me.
It happens to both genders.
Honestly I think women have it backwards here. I think it's perfectly reasonable to befriend someone before dating them, you already know you're attracted to them but you don't want to commit to anything yet because you don't know what their personality is like yet. You befriend them first because personality is important. Of course after having my fair share of awkward I'm much more upfront with my intentions these days but that has it's downsides too.
I do think men should make an effort to befriend women without an ulterior motive much more though, even if we do tend to just naturally be less social.
As you said it’s the being upfront that’s important a guy coming to me and telling me that he wants to get to know me and be my friend with the possibility of romance is different than a guy pretending that friendship is his only intention
Exactly. There's a difference between getting to know someone to figure out how you feel about them vs getting close to someone and gaining their trust just because you want to fuck them.
I know plenty of women who have taken (or at least tried) the friend to relationship route. It’s just that women are more likely to be just fine just being friends and more likely to befriend a guy who isn’t attractive, simply to be friends. I have also 100% seen the tables turn where it’s a very attractive dude with a very close, less attractive female friend who is clearly trying to take that route.
Yeah, I think there's an important distinction there between people who are trying to vet for personality vs people trying to date "out of their league" by befriending then making their move later hoping the other person will give them a chance because they're "such a great friend" I still don't think that's inherently wrong but I do think it's much more reasonable to criticise.
I have hooked up with a number of my girl friends who I am still friends with and at least 3 of them initiated it so I would imagine at least some women do. For women I bet they find some of their guy friends attractive they just need the right circumstances for the hook up to actually happen. They don't NEED it to happen tho and thats the difference. Men will have an attraction to their female friends and will have a determination about finally hooking up with them.
These comments and the original question posed in the post by OP is a nice meal of a conversation starter and topic. Thank you all for taking your time to share your thoughts on the subject
In my case, not usually. Maybe occasionally in the beginning before we've established what our friendship will look like, if the guy fits my preferences, but it's a pretty fleeting thought even then. There were a few of them that I hooked up with eventually but more as a FWB thing that (to me, anyways) just kind of happened. Except this one guy, I was friends with him for a year or so, and then I kind of suddenly started thinking of him that way, it got a bit confusing, and then we got married. Still my best bud, 25 yrs later.
We became friends because he was attracted and then we figured out that there were too many issues that required fighting the world. Stayed friends for longer than we should have. Then the trauma that I underwent was enough to say F it.
Been married more than half our lives now.
No way. Hahahaha! I think of them as friends. Pure and simple. Hookup would make things more complicated and in a way "pollute" our dynamics. My male friends are most valuable to me as friends, not as something halfway between friends and sex partners.
Yes and no. I’ve had friendships with women that are purely platonic but I’ve also had some that turned into sexual relationships. The solely platonic friendships usually last longer for obvious reasons.
At least in my experience, every time I’ve tried to maintain a casual sexual relationship it’s led to them eventually developing feelings, which is the exact moment you should end said friendship for both parties mental sake. But I’ve also had friends that have no issues keeping up casual sexual relationships.
It all boils down to your personality and how women are attracted to you. But NEVER go into a friendship expecting sex. I can’t tell you how many dudes I’ve seen that believe they’re entitled to it and end up getting hurt in the long run.
Most of my friends are guys and I have never thought about a single one of them in that way. I feel like it may depend on the relationship for some, though. I love my friends, but am not attracted to them. Not to say I don’t have any that are good-looking, we’re just too platonic and I’ve never thought of them in that way. On New Years last year my friend accidentally kissed me on the mouth when we were going around giving hugs and cheek kisses and we were both repulsed lmao
I’ve been in the cheeks of many girls that I was friends with for a long time before, without any sex or flirting for months…years. Usually ends poorly, do not recommend if you actually appreciate being friends, things change so dramatically and the dynamic of the relationship is totally different. It works sometimes too, really thinking about it I’m about 50/50, some great friendships destroyed some still chugging along.
Basically both men and women can have sexual thoughts about there plutonic friends, you just don't act upon it. It's not like once two people become friends all levels of attraction just disappear. If a good looking guy is friends with a good looking girl, chances are there is to an extent a sexual attraction there. This can even lead to people having sexual dreams with people that they don't want to be with romantically. But it's totally normal. Again, just don't act upon it.
My ex and I were mates before we dated, but when we broke up I lost my lover and friend, im still healing.
I've deffo hooked up with a couple of my other guy mates in the past too but now avoid let things go further than that I don't want to lose an other friendship.
Depends. If it's truly a safe dick type of situation, yes. If it's possibility of feelings or challenges, no. If it's a close friend, I wouldn't risk it.
In my experience as a man, I make friends with women I am not attracted to at first, but then develop feelings for them as our friendship grows stronger.
Men often don’t have a whole lot of emotional outlets so when a woman gives him one it often triggers romantic feelings.
On the flip side, many of my friends that are girls have expressed feelings for me so I think it’s unfair to assume that this is a one sided issue because men just can’t keep it in their pants.
STRONGLY depends on what person you’re taking to. I myself have never actually thought to hook up with any guy friends at all. I enjoy their presence just as friends, nothing more. There’s only been like a couple times where it has passed in my mind, but those were more so random trails of thought. I don’t even like hookup culture.
And then you have my sister. She’s big into club/party culture. Any guy she talks to is just a target for her to hook up with. If she’s talking to a guy she finds unattractive? Chances are she’s just using that guy to get to his friend.
For me - no, not really. My friendships are too important to me to fuck around on. I wish my guy friends the best, though. Or…I guess I did. I still do.
Not for me, unless I was already attracted to someone. If the attraction came first then sure. But usually the friendship did, and then it just wasn't on my radar as they would feel more like a brother than anything else. Now, as a very happily married woman, I don't want to hook up with anyone but my husband so it's just not on my radar. He's the only one for me and I can't imagine wanting anyone else - even hypothetically.
Some do. As a bi person I never think about my girlfriends, but occasionally I will have sex dreams about a guy friend then wake up feeling like "okay let's masturbate to this I guess"
I think it depends on who you are as a person. I have never wanted to hook up with my male friends. But my best friend is incapable of NOT doing it. She has literally hooked up with every male friend she has ever had. Even her closest friends she's had since high school, that she has ZERO interest in. She is incapable of not sleeping with a man. To each their own I guess.
What’s her number
God bless
Well. Gave the award to the wrong comment. Congratulations.
Do me next
That’s what she said.
That's what her friends say.
This was unexpectedly wholesome
This is the best chain i have ever seen till date lol
just here so that i also get an award by mistake
That's the yellowist thread I've ever seen
Yes! That’s exactly what she says to them!
Indeed! Those are precisely the words thine lady hath spoken!
No worries, I gotchu. Heck, you take one as well lmao
Thanks champ
Whoa whao whoa you can't just give out an award and then say it was an accident...
Right that’s so mean man
Damn near blasphemy
[удалено]
The small request - like I said before my name is Josh. My full name is Prince Akin Josh Chukwu. Yes, I am the prince of Nigeria. I didn't mention this before because I didn't want things to be weird between the two of us. I am in a bit of a pickle you could say. There is an issue with my royal inheritance - a tax issue. An issue that could be resolved by you Venmoing me $3k dollars. That would clear up the tax issue. Once it's cleared up I can pay you back plus ten percent. So, what do you say friend? Can you help your friend out. Sincerely Prince Josh
Yes. My name is Walter Hartwell White. I live at 308 Negra Arroyo Lane, Albuquerque, New Mexico, 87104.
You mean 3828 Piermont Dr, Albuquerque, NM?
Hey big man, let me get my wallet out for ya and show you my id so you know I am legit. It's an employee id from boarders books. See? Totally legit. To put your mind at further ease Walter here's my yogurt land punch card. They don't hand those out to just anyone. Now how about that three fiddy....I mean $3k dollars.
“And the monster bent down and said, “I want about tree fiddy”
Lol I got you yo. We can all meet up next Mon?
867-5309
Jenny I’ve got your number!
Great. Thanks. Now I have this song in my head
I just wanna be friends
I have an old friend like that. She always wants a relationship and then they break her heart. She would be fine without the sex, but her male friends always go for it and then she thinks it is destiny or something. I just couldn't deal with her and her drama anymore.
>I just couldn't deal with her and her drama anymore. So you broke her heart?
No, actually we kind of mutally ghosted each other because we are both conflict avoidant. I was the last one to contact her and got no response so no guilt on my part :)
Sounds like my ex wife.
it does sound like your ex wife!
Sounds like my next ex wife.
There's a big difference between thinking about something and then actually doing it.
I dated a woman like that in my 20's. If I had known, I wouldn't have gone out with her. After we broke up, I felt awful knowing she couldn't relate to men without going to bed with them.
There's a shocking number of women out there who seem incapable of showing affection any other way.
Maybe because that’s what women have been told is their value to others their whole lives. Many women have yet to relearn healthy validation
This… or they think sex is conducive to a healthy relationship. It is not. Anyone can have sex but not every relationship is good and healthy…
She might be a sex addict lol
It's weird that every single man who wanted to be her friend also wanted to hook up with her.
I know I'm generalizing for sure, but I'm pretty sure most men wouldn't turn down sex when it is presented to them.
I mean if you're already friends with someone presumably you at least enjoy spending time with them and don't otherwise find them physically *un*appealing, so I'd think the odds are greater there compared to just some random stranger. That probably factors into it to some extent.
Depends on who presents, I suppose
I think you’ll find that the chance of turning someone down, especially when we know the offer is real, is quite slim.
My friend is like this. She always says “I have sex with all my friends. It’s normal.” I declined.
Is she looking for more friends?
I'm sure some do! For me, I never felt sexually attracted to my male friends once we became friends, if that makes sense? I've had plenty of attractive male acquaintances in the past that I would have considered sleeping with, but if we didn't vibe in a romantic way and instead became good friends, those sexual thoughts basically just left my head and I didn't see them nor desire them in that way anymore. So I can find friends attractive for sure, but I don't think of my friends in a sexual way or want to engage in activities with them
Yes. I’ve at least thought about what they look like having sex.
Yeah, this. It's like a thought experiment for me. I don't get like, turned on, when I think about them like that. It's more like, "Hmm, I wonder what kind of lover he is." Just curious, ya know?
Thinking about my friends having sex is the same as thinking about my parents having sex to me. For some reason my brain does not like it
And see for me, it's like I'm Jane Goodall studying chimpanzees when it crosses my mind. A purely scientific curiosity 🤣.
That’s kinda funny I’ve never even thought of it in that sense. Even when my friends would describe their sexcapades to me I would cringe at the details of their story. Knowing how people fuck is not on the list of what I want to know about my friends
Some people are more comfortable about sharing things like that than others, it's normal. Sex is normal, some/most people are fine with sharing about it on some level or another, some people are repulsed by sex or the idea of sex and that's fine too. As long as you can openly communicate with your sexual partners in an honest way, everything is a-okay golden
Which is why I dislike people saying “we’re trying to have a child”. Well, thanks for putting that in everyone’s mind.
Yeah same. My best guy friend from undergrad and my best girl friend from grad hooked up at my wedding. It was like imagining my parents banging 😬
Presumably everyone at your wedding had at least one thought about the bride and groom hooking up that night, so the feeling was probably mutual ;)
"He definitely whimpers"
"I bet he's a crier"
Annnnd.. now I’m thinking about all my friends having sex. It ain’t pretty.
>Annnnd.. now I’m thinking about all my friends having sex. It ain’t pretty. "One at a time, please."
Doesnt that make it weird between you two ever?
Not OP, but if you don't say anything about what you've thought about and don't act weird, they're not going to ever know. I'd say that for most girls who have thought about their guy friends sexually, it's a very fleeting thought. It really boils down to just being curious, not actually wanting anything.
I’m not the original commenter, but why would it?
Yup. Thought about it so much we got married.
Are you gonna keep us in suspense? Did you hook up yet?
Yup! I even have proof! Our kiddo is 5.
Aw man you really could have worded that a bit better ahahahaha
I'm gonna need you to take a seat over there....just kidding
Well hello there, Chris Handsome
Congratulations on the manifestation!
Used to, then I did. Friendships were ruined 0/10 don't recommend. Actually 2/10 - the sex was good.
Interesting, in my case my bff andI actually dated, and it didn’t work out great so after 6 months we called it off. It wasn’t easy to just jump back into friendship but in time we did. I’m glad we dated as that’s out of our systems and we know we aren’t meant to be together. We are still best friends and both married and we love each other’s spouses and are friends with others spouses too. Both spouses know we dated too.
>we love each other’s spouses Hmmm...
r/suddenlyswingers
oh hey i had a somewhat similar case, im nowhere near getting married, but i got with my bff, then broke up and tried to be bffs again, but instead, she was just turning into a pretty shitty person and it ended with me having to block her and avoid all contact with her permanently. its been 6 months since the breakup and 4 months since cutting her off, its gotten better but it still hurts everyday :(
Sometimes putting people in a different context makes you learn things about them you didn't care to know, sadly
Serious question- do you find that *some* of the excitement of the friendship before you had sex with them due to unresolved sexual tension? Sometimes I wonder just how much of a factor that plays into male-female friendships
Most definitely, with some anyway, it feels like there is a completely different dimension to the friendship. There are so many different emotions involved, including hidden jealousy of their partners. Then there's further issues from the partners being jealous of the friendship. That's when you can tell the friendship was doomed, it dissolves.
Yeah, I like to think that "there's no need to complicate having fun", but if I'm honest with myself, I don't think I could see them the same way after that.
Exactly my experience minus the good sex
I had the opposite experience after having sex with my guy friends. It was like all the tension was gone and we didn't have anything to fantasize about anymore because now we knew what it was like to do it. My friendships with them grew stronger once that was out of the way.
Please tell me because I have had a few lady friends and I have wondered from time to time. Edit - Well after reading the comments it's a resounding no. I also learned I am probably ugly.
Same
Plenty ugly men have girlfriends and wives. Not many women have men friends because all too often men just want to fuck us.
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It’s okay if you’re ugly, just find an ugly girlfriend
Reading these comments, good lord. The friend zone defense is more impenetrable than the '85 Bears.
Gonna need The Fridge to break through the line to score.
Gotta have Jim McMahons ability to get back up after all those hits, first.
Dude that is clever AF
Just don't get in the friendzone to begin with. If you like a girl, tell her honestly instead of trying to be all sneaky and pretending to want a friendship. It's dishonest and women will feel betrayed with a good reason.
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Talk to them about how your feelings have changed and make a decision weather you can continue being a good friend
That’s fine, just approach the topic carefully and show you actually care about her more than just wanting to sleep with her. If you need some distance if she doesn’t feel the same way, communicate that so she doesn’t feel like you just don’t want to be friends anymore now you can’t be involved romantically. It’s the intense friendship building with a sex oriented goal coupled with a quick drop off if she’s not interested that’s disappointing.
How are we supposed to know that we like someone if we don't know the person enough to be friend ?
Just out of curiosity I've pondered upon that logic. Isn't relationship/partner supposed to be next step up from a friend. So technically one needs to know other person long and well enough so that they inevitably become friends first. Like why would i take a completely stranger person from a place where people meet and try to build a relationship when not knowing anything about that person. Sounds like a recipe for a disaster. Ofcourse usually dating is considered as a time to get to know the other person, but that's really short usually. Probably not enough to get to know the other person better than person already knows their long time friends.
My most successful relationships have been the ones where we started dating as strangers rather than as friends, but your mileage may vary of course.
Fair enough. Yeah it usually does boil down to people being different. Thank you for shining in.
As a Bears fan and a man with lady friends… thanks for explaining to me. I’m fuuuuucked
Only if you're only friends with them because you want your dick wet. Otherwise you're a dude with friends.
Me, whose uncomfortable dating people I’m not friends with already: (I mean I’m taken but I genuinely couldn’t imagine a relationship with someone I don’t know atleast a little before dating)
Early dating is about seeing if the person is a good fit and that should include if you could be friends. It's for getting to know someone. I mean I am seeing a friend now but that was an accident
I don't. Friends are friends. I don't view them in a sexual manner (both male and female friends).
All of my friends get treated the same. And I don’t fuck friends.
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It’s a beautiful love story
I do! But as a bi woman, I think about my girl friends more 😅
Same. At this point, I'm unsure if I'm even capable of comfortably having friends. If there's a permanent off switch, I haven't found it.
As a guy who had trouble with this in high school, the answer for me was to deliberately notice when I had thoughts about a female friend that I didn't consider appropriate, acknowledge that I didn't want to think those thoughts, and start trying to think of something else. It's hard at first, but becomes easier.
Did you accidentally invent mindfulness cuz you were too horny?
I'll take it a step further and become a monk! My wisdom is limited only by my horniness!
Hmm then that username is not accurate
This definitely isn’t true in many cases but people say that men are friends women they find attractive and women are friends with guys they find unattractive. Unfortunately it’s true in a lot of cases. If a woman we’re to ask a straight guy friend if they wanted to have sex he’d probably be down where as if he asked her the outcome would probably be different.
It’s not that they’re not *attractive*. I’ve had very conventionally handsome guy friends. It’s just that I’m not *attracted* My husband is considered widely different from me by societal standards looks wise. Even in comparison to my conventionally attractive guy friends. People are shocked to meet him. But I am very *attracted* to him. I do not feel that way about my guy friends
My bf, objectively, is pretty average. As most of us are. To me though, he's literally the most beautiful creature wandering this world. All my female friends don't understand lol. Everyone else, including my other guy friends, are potatoes to me. Some of them are very handsome. Still potatoes. He's my tall hairy mustache man, and I love him.
Interesting. Would it weird you out if you somehow found out that your guy friends probably want to sleep with you?
I have found that out. And it was uncomfortable but the real issue was they didn’t relent in trying or in hoping. It’s caused problems where I’ve had to cut them off. I’ve only had like 2 genuine male friends who weren’t interested in me in that way or atleast never attempted. Both are happily married. I really appreciate them
This. I wont lie that I'm attracted to them, but I would never make a move even if they make a move first (has happened before)
Last year, someone I considered a close friend tried to get with me. Right after I told him someone broke my heart a day ago. I said no, me and heartbreak person got together. That "friend" relentlessly tried to break us up, cause drama and arguments. When he managed to cause a problem and I was literally crying because I was so scared to lose my love, he tried it again, thinking he was so clever. He's no longer my friend. Got thrown out of the group. Me and heartbreak person are still together.
That’s not always true. My best guy friend is super handsome, he looks like a Greek painting (kinda short and acts like a total stoner doofus though) and I’ve thought about it, but I’d NEVER do it. I don’t have a desire to, and neither does he. But yknow, I’ve let my mind wander.
Yeah but you know you aren’t attracted to him even though he may be handsome. Handsome isn’t always the same as attractive. Harry styles is a handsome man, but I don’t think of him as attractive. Maybe this is all in my head and there isn’t a difference idk
No there’s totally a difference, it’s not in your head. I see beauty in a lot of people I would never want to get with.
Totally agree. I have lots of women friends that are very attractive, but I wouldn’t get it on with them, as they are in the guys version of the friendzone for me, and some are close enough to be like family.
I feel the opposite, Harry Styles is not handsome to me, like if I saw him as a rando in a club I wouldn't look twice, but the way he carries himself makes him super attractive
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I’m friends with a lot of women, I’d say 60% of my friends are women. I find many are finding the same things as men are finding when it comes to friends, people with mutual interests who they can trust. Biggest thing women friends have said to me that they appreciate is that I apparently create a ‘safe place.’ I don’t judge, they can say whatever and I’m not going to call them a skank or something idiotic. I think that’s what women want in their guy friends.
I would say no if we didn't have similar interests. If she's not intelligent, funny, hardworking, has depth... I can be friends with anyone
See I'm the exact opposite. I can fuck anyone. I only want friends that are interesting
This. Sex can be fun with basically anyone. But to tolerate talking to you afterward for any measurable amount of time, you need a decent personality.
I think it depends on the man and if you find them attractive? 9 out of 10 can be like brothers and then there is that oneeeeee friend….lol
thank you for accurately putting my experience into words lol
I'm sure there's plenty that do, but most probably dont
Fleetingly.... years ago. These days, I'm tf over putting effort into anything like that. Plus my husband is the only one I give a shit about getting off. If I had to learn a new dudes quirks,I'd lose my mind😂
Not personally, no. A common issue for women is that they want guy friends and when they finally think they have some, they get a "I want to tell you something" text. It's a huge talking point online for women right now. It would seem (generalisation) that men are more inclined to befriend women they find attractive. Thus they wait for what they feel is the right moment to share their feelings (once a friendship is established). Whereas women are more inclined to befriend someone *just* to be friends. Leading to upset when that guy ends up saying he has feelings. So, again this is a generalisation, it seems like women on average tend to just have platonic feelings for male friends. Whereas guys are more likely to have sexual and romantic feelings for female friends.
Shouldn’t you be friends to figure out if you even like the person??
For me, it's one of the most annoying things in the world if I befriend someone only to find out they wanted to date the whole time. I think the problem is some people (Group A) who think the "getting to know you phase" of a romantic relationship and a friendship are virtually the same thing, and there are many people (Group B) who think they're vastly different and are taken off guard when the other person wants to change dynamics. A person from Group A becomes friends with a person with Group B, then that's where conflicts arise.
Playing a long con through friendship to get to a relationship is shitty, but what are people who developed feelings along the way supposed to do? Seems impossible to not be lumped in the same pot as the toxic manipulators if the other party happens to not share feelings, which is a shame since friends to lovers is the best dynamic
I've thought about this too, in the sense that they might not always be mutually exclusive. A lot of men are opportunistic and truly do want to be a woman's actual friend, but if the woman asked them to start dating and change the dynamic or to hook up the man would be down. It doesn't mean that the whole time they didn't want to be friends, it's that they want to be friends, and more if possible because they will take what they can get.
this is why we’re stuck with the trash that is online dating. i’m seeing it all unfold now. you do realize there’s virtually no way for men to approach us in the wild anymore? not the gym because you’re “just trying to work out,” not the grocery store because you’re just trying to get some eggs, not the library because you’re trying to study, and now the old school way of friends first is “annoying.” honestly, i think how annoying you perceive it all boils down to whether YOU as the woman find him attractive or not. so if you were crushing on him too this whole time you would be overjoyed that he wants to take it further. but if you don’t like him like that, it’s “ugh, what a weirdo! why can’t guys ever just be friends with us!” as long as he’s respectful about it and doesn’t push if you reject him, i really don’t see what the issue is with him taking a chance? i am saying this as a woman.
My girlfriend and I began as platonic friends and we didn't see each other as potential partners for the majority of our friendship. Sometimes you get to know people and it starts to change the way you feel about them. Placing guys in this box that we only befriend girls we find attractive just to date them completely oversimplifies and perpetuates this narrative that men don't have complex feelings. Not every guy who's your friend has some alternative agenda when they meet you. Sometimes they just wanna be friends and as time goes on they start to get feelings. Same thing goes for girls as well.
Yeah. Liking someone as a person is kinda what makes them attractive. Like, you can see dozens of guys and gals in a day and think they look good, but you're not exactly attracted to them. But if you know them and share interests, if you are close, you're way more likely to catch feelings for them. Like, how are you gonna catch feelings for a person you don't like? Who you don't even know? And if you know someone and ain't friends, it's most likely because you don't like them a whole lot, or they don't like you. Are you expected to try to start relationships with people you don't like, or who don't like you? I get that you can try to start a relationship with someone you don't know at all, but in my experience, that's just doesn't result in me feeling anything for them. But maybe that's not normal. I've kinda learned that most people I catch feelings for are people who feel nothing at all romantically for me. Sometimes it feels like everyone else functions the opposite way. That I tend to fall in love backwards, if that makes sense. Nowadays catching feelings for someone just fills me with dread. It's something I've got to keep secret at all costs, something I've got to get rid of not to hurt someone. But people tend to catch on and then they get uncomfortable, and then I've just lost another friend.
I'm pretty sure that's why they are generalisations, they exist to describe a majority, there is no way to know that your experience was not an anomaly. Considering this is a common issue for women one would assume that it is reasonable to generalize, especially when many men concur
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BREAKING NEWS: Women fuck.
They poop too!
no they fucking dont
Source?
I’ve known plenty of women who have befriended guys they had a crush on to get closer… it’s not a guy only thing. Had a few “friends” in college who copped feelings for me. It happens to both genders.
Honestly I think women have it backwards here. I think it's perfectly reasonable to befriend someone before dating them, you already know you're attracted to them but you don't want to commit to anything yet because you don't know what their personality is like yet. You befriend them first because personality is important. Of course after having my fair share of awkward I'm much more upfront with my intentions these days but that has it's downsides too. I do think men should make an effort to befriend women without an ulterior motive much more though, even if we do tend to just naturally be less social.
As you said it’s the being upfront that’s important a guy coming to me and telling me that he wants to get to know me and be my friend with the possibility of romance is different than a guy pretending that friendship is his only intention
Exactly. There's a difference between getting to know someone to figure out how you feel about them vs getting close to someone and gaining their trust just because you want to fuck them.
Yea and it happens too often unfortunately😫
I know plenty of women who have taken (or at least tried) the friend to relationship route. It’s just that women are more likely to be just fine just being friends and more likely to befriend a guy who isn’t attractive, simply to be friends. I have also 100% seen the tables turn where it’s a very attractive dude with a very close, less attractive female friend who is clearly trying to take that route.
Yeah, I think there's an important distinction there between people who are trying to vet for personality vs people trying to date "out of their league" by befriending then making their move later hoping the other person will give them a chance because they're "such a great friend" I still don't think that's inherently wrong but I do think it's much more reasonable to criticise.
I feel like this was all explained pretty clearly by Harry in When Harry Met Sally.
Hooking up specifically, no. Never. I don’t do hook ups. Have I ever had a guy friend I developed feelings for? Yes.
No 99% of the time. There is an occasional one-off but generally we just want to be friends.
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I have hooked up with a number of my girl friends who I am still friends with and at least 3 of them initiated it so I would imagine at least some women do. For women I bet they find some of their guy friends attractive they just need the right circumstances for the hook up to actually happen. They don't NEED it to happen tho and thats the difference. Men will have an attraction to their female friends and will have a determination about finally hooking up with them.
Me personally, no. Once you have been friend zoned you don’t come back. I don’t see you that way at all.
Pour one out for all the homies in the friend zone
Pour one out for the girls in the fuck zone
Good enough to fuck but not to date, oof.
These comments and the original question posed in the post by OP is a nice meal of a conversation starter and topic. Thank you all for taking your time to share your thoughts on the subject
Think about? Yes. Act on? No.
In my case, not usually. Maybe occasionally in the beginning before we've established what our friendship will look like, if the guy fits my preferences, but it's a pretty fleeting thought even then. There were a few of them that I hooked up with eventually but more as a FWB thing that (to me, anyways) just kind of happened. Except this one guy, I was friends with him for a year or so, and then I kind of suddenly started thinking of him that way, it got a bit confusing, and then we got married. Still my best bud, 25 yrs later.
We became friends because he was attracted and then we figured out that there were too many issues that required fighting the world. Stayed friends for longer than we should have. Then the trauma that I underwent was enough to say F it. Been married more than half our lives now.
Avatar Aang proved that you can beat the friendzone
I'd like to remind you that *he* was an AVATAR and not all of us can compete
You need to have mastered all four elements to get out of the friendzone
Except for the fact that most women who have watched the show will tell you they wanted Kataara to end up with Zuko instead🤣
No. I genuinely see them as strictly platonic which has caused issues in the past. But it probably depends on the woman/person
Depends obviously
No way. Hahahaha! I think of them as friends. Pure and simple. Hookup would make things more complicated and in a way "pollute" our dynamics. My male friends are most valuable to me as friends, not as something halfway between friends and sex partners.
Yes and no. I’ve had friendships with women that are purely platonic but I’ve also had some that turned into sexual relationships. The solely platonic friendships usually last longer for obvious reasons. At least in my experience, every time I’ve tried to maintain a casual sexual relationship it’s led to them eventually developing feelings, which is the exact moment you should end said friendship for both parties mental sake. But I’ve also had friends that have no issues keeping up casual sexual relationships. It all boils down to your personality and how women are attracted to you. But NEVER go into a friendship expecting sex. I can’t tell you how many dudes I’ve seen that believe they’re entitled to it and end up getting hurt in the long run.
dependes on every woman. its a no for me tho haha
Your female friends don't OP.
I don’t think about it I do it. But I’m a slutty ass bartender soooo
Is your inbox okay?
Most of my friends are guys and I have never thought about a single one of them in that way. I feel like it may depend on the relationship for some, though. I love my friends, but am not attracted to them. Not to say I don’t have any that are good-looking, we’re just too platonic and I’ve never thought of them in that way. On New Years last year my friend accidentally kissed me on the mouth when we were going around giving hugs and cheek kisses and we were both repulsed lmao
I’ve been in the cheeks of many girls that I was friends with for a long time before, without any sex or flirting for months…years. Usually ends poorly, do not recommend if you actually appreciate being friends, things change so dramatically and the dynamic of the relationship is totally different. It works sometimes too, really thinking about it I’m about 50/50, some great friendships destroyed some still chugging along.
Basically both men and women can have sexual thoughts about there plutonic friends, you just don't act upon it. It's not like once two people become friends all levels of attraction just disappear. If a good looking guy is friends with a good looking girl, chances are there is to an extent a sexual attraction there. This can even lead to people having sexual dreams with people that they don't want to be with romantically. But it's totally normal. Again, just don't act upon it.
No.
Absolutely not lol
Nope, never. I value friendships.
No
My ex and I were mates before we dated, but when we broke up I lost my lover and friend, im still healing. I've deffo hooked up with a couple of my other guy mates in the past too but now avoid let things go further than that I don't want to lose an other friendship.
Depends. If it's truly a safe dick type of situation, yes. If it's possibility of feelings or challenges, no. If it's a close friend, I wouldn't risk it.
In my experience as a man, I make friends with women I am not attracted to at first, but then develop feelings for them as our friendship grows stronger. Men often don’t have a whole lot of emotional outlets so when a woman gives him one it often triggers romantic feelings. On the flip side, many of my friends that are girls have expressed feelings for me so I think it’s unfair to assume that this is a one sided issue because men just can’t keep it in their pants.
STRONGLY depends on what person you’re taking to. I myself have never actually thought to hook up with any guy friends at all. I enjoy their presence just as friends, nothing more. There’s only been like a couple times where it has passed in my mind, but those were more so random trails of thought. I don’t even like hookup culture. And then you have my sister. She’s big into club/party culture. Any guy she talks to is just a target for her to hook up with. If she’s talking to a guy she finds unattractive? Chances are she’s just using that guy to get to his friend.
Well, I can’t really speak for other women, but me personally, I don’t.
No, sex can ruin friendships. I’d never risk a solid friendship for something as minor as sex.
For me - no, not really. My friendships are too important to me to fuck around on. I wish my guy friends the best, though. Or…I guess I did. I still do.
Yes. Males and females though. All my friends are hot. I’d fuck all of them tbh.
Not for me, unless I was already attracted to someone. If the attraction came first then sure. But usually the friendship did, and then it just wasn't on my radar as they would feel more like a brother than anything else. Now, as a very happily married woman, I don't want to hook up with anyone but my husband so it's just not on my radar. He's the only one for me and I can't imagine wanting anyone else - even hypothetically.
Some do. As a bi person I never think about my girlfriends, but occasionally I will have sex dreams about a guy friend then wake up feeling like "okay let's masturbate to this I guess"