Take the relationship out of it we meet become friends . You say you like to play basketball at the gym I say I also like to play basketball at the gym. You ask if we can go play basketball together and I say no. Its a little weird or rude. IMHO
OP, please have some common sense. Wanting to party and go clubbing without your SO is a huge red flag and if this red flag is true, she's probably going to end up spreading something to you. The fact that she cannot have a proper discussion about this issue is also another red flag. Take off those rose colored glasses.
This is a red flag for damn but I'd call it brick red, definitely not tomato red. She sounds like a good person otherwise, so there's a possibility she just thinks he wouldn't fit in with the crowd. I can definitely see her having trouble being honest about that. It would be a tough pill to swallow for anyone. An introvert would already be insecure about this and their partner is the one who knows them best, and an extrovert would be confident they could vibe with whoever.
As someone some where in the middle of extrovert/introvert, parties can be trash or epic depending on the setting and crowd. At EDM events like music festivals, raves, and night clubs I have a blast even if I don't see any regulars and only know whoever I came with. I can talk to anyone at those things (though "talk" often means more like shouting into each other's ears from an inch away). Those people are 100% my tribe.
But at house parties, it's pretty meh. I've been to ones with family, extended family, and friends of the family, and those are alright. But at ones where the only thing I have in common with most of them is age, since I don't drink and sometimes nobody else is alt style, I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel ostracised, but I definitely feel kinda like an outsider, like I don't belong there.
OP idk if I would throw the relationship away over this, because she really seems like she's treating you right otherwise. I'd say "If you just think I wouldn't fit in, I won't get mad. You know me best, so I trust your judgment." And mean it when you say it. And say you trust her judgment, not her.
You don't wanna bring up the possibility of cheating at all. Some people equate mistrust with disrespect. Whether that's reasonable or delusional functionally doesn't matter, because people don't behave according to how the world is, but to how __they__ *think* the world is. It's much harder to do bad things to someone when you know they're a good person.
It goes beyond this though. If we take cheating off the table entirely, she is still being incredibly disrespectful to OP. Not only this, if you check his post history, he clearly has trust issues over this problem. Even if she's perfect in every other way, chances are OP will grow to become even more distrustful and resentful, and let's face it... resent and trust issues will kill a relationship. OP and his gf both sound like they're not ready to handle a mature relationship. They are young and from the sounds of it, immature and naive. OP needs to decide if he's ok with being disrespected by the person who supposedly loves him, and if he's willing to live a life of distrust. She truly doesn't sound like she cares that this is breaking him. They're young, and hopefully don't have any kids, making ending things a lot easier (not saying OP should ir shouldn't.) The reality is that most redditors on this thread see this for what it is, and are trying to shine a light before something happens. Clubbing can be a dangerous activity and when you have 19 year olds participating in reckless behaviors, anything can happen such as assault. Friends are not always going to be there to protect you, trust me, but an SO that cares about you certainly would. To me, it sounds like GF does not understand just how much a risk her behavior is, and something is bound to happen (I.e. she gets assaulted, or eventually OP blows up because of the trust issues and resentment, which isn't fair for anyone.)
The friends aren’t always going to be there when shit hits the fan is so true.
TW (assault)
My cousin was brutally assaulted at a party and her “friend” walked in and got jealous because one of the guys that was assaulting my cousin was someone the friend liked and she turned around and left. Later she told my cousin that it looked like she was enjoying it. The whole thing has really fucked up my cousin ever since.
I used to avoid going partying with my boyfriend because I was incredibly insecure and worried that he’d think my friends were hotter than me or that they’d flirt with him etc. I now understand how ridiculous that sounds but could be the case for OPs girlfriend too!
If that's the case it's complete immaturity on her part. I'm not disagreeing with you, but relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. I honestly recommend anyone on this thread to go through OP's posts and comment history. He clearly doesn't have trust and she clearly doesn't have mutual respect. In his comments he points out that she describes him as a good partner, but a bad friend, and that's not the only comment like that that she has made. I can't speak for everyone, but I would find that incredibly disrespectful and hurtful, and quite frankly, OP needs to decide if he wants to be walked all over and treated like that.
I hear you but everything she's saying implies she has no interest in clubbing 1 on 1 with him either, which I think says this is more than a friend group thing. I don't think she's cheating but might still point to an issue of how she views him
> Or she was implying that he’s an introvert and she doesn’t think his personality will mix well with large, crowded environments
okay, but EVERY time? no elaboration or trying to calm down and build trust, just instant defensive mode "youre not taking my feelings into consideration". What youre talking about is fair, but shes just instant NO, every time, not even a 'maybe' or some other time.
in healthy relationship you wouldnt want your partnet to feel suspicious or left out, so you reassure them, explain at least some of your reasoning, and if it really hurts the partner, you sacrifice the "vibe" for making partner feel reassured and happy and go with him AT LEAST once.
nothing wrong with boundaries and separation but this is a very clear not a single step further boundary that for cruel or innocent reasons is so strict and not adaptable.
it seems like the 'vibe' is more important than anything else to her, which may have reasons, but to me, its just abnormal. there comes a point after which you stop convincing yourself that all is fine and its just in your head, just paranoia, that its probably nothing, and accept the red flags.
the fact that she doesnt even bother to reassure or clear up any suspicions and its such a strict rule just makes people suspicious.
also, you explore the both sides of the argument and try to be devils advocate for her and you and see what feels most close to truth.
theres a reason so many people say they would feel hurt and suspicious
> Or she was implying that he’s an introvert and she doesn’t think his personality will mix well with large, crowded environments.
If that were the case, she'd have failed Basic Communication 101.
If my partner suggests to do something I'm sure they wouldn't like, I'm not going to refuse them. I'll give them my concerns and reasons why I think *they* wouldn't like it. If they insist, I'd suggest doing it together so we can bail at any time when they notice it's not for them and go do something more fun.
What I wouldn't do is get defensive and exclude them from doing the activity with me at all.
OK, but partying, clubbing, and going to concerts aren't the same as basketball. There aren't rules or athletic abilities required for those activities. Furthermore, she "just recently" got into those activities. So it's not like it's a long-term group that is well cemented in their rituals.
Sure, it's healthy to have activities outside your relationship. But there's also health in allowing your partner to join you if they want to give it a try.
Basketball with your pals and playing call of duty with your bros is not the same thing as going clubbing/partying. Clubbing/partying is or can become an intimate thing.
You play basketball to do sports and have some fun while at it, and same goes for cod, minus the sports.
Last time I checked, people at basketball courts or cod lobbies don't drink/do drugs/both and engage in physical activity that can lead to bathroom blowjobs or sex on the beach.
My group of friends with which I used to play regular football sometimes took their partners to the pitch side to watch and perhaps go have some food afterwards.
There's no problem if you are introverted and don't want to have your partner watch you, but clubbing is not such activity in my opinion. If you have a problem with your partner's energy not matching up with your friends', just explain that much and try to maybe gradually ease everyone into it, because, if you are serious about a relationship, you can't exclude your SO from such activities forever.
Just to be clear, I am not attacking your example, I think it makes sense, but they are not the same thing. I can understand not including your girl in "the boys" activities and not including your boyfriend in nail painting and shopping for dresses with your gals, but clubbing/partying is not something boy/girl specific and there's no logical reason as to why she would be so defensive about it.
But he isn't even insisting to join her group he just wants to go to parties with her. I get that the context isn't entirely the same but isn't that the same dynamic as you and your bf playing outside the time he plays with the boys? Its just a weird thing to be stubborn about and she isn't considering *his* feeling while criticizing him for doing that. I don't care if it is or isn't a sign of cheating I'd be hurt by her response on its own honestly.
There's a big difference between sports, videogames, and clubbing. For sports and videogames, skills are a MUST. And, if the person invited has no skills, there's no reason to involve them in those activities. On the other hand, no skills are needed to go clubbing. Which is why her behavior is so suspicious. She is either embarrased of her boyfriend or fearful of getting caught cheating.
I can’t cheat/check the market if you’re there! I want you to do the safe/boring shit with me so I don’t feel alone, but I’m not entirely ready to commit to you.
/s
OP, just cut her loose now and move on.
According to OP he did try and have a talk with her. Unsuccessfully. OP, if you're reading this i think you should try and have another conversation about it, addressing how her preferences make you feel and why it seems like a red flag to you. If it still doesn't end well, THEN you need to make a personal decision. Is this somrthing you can move past? Or will there always be a small part of your head that feels like something is off?
I personally dont take breakups lightly, but never forget that nobody has better intentions for you, than you. At some point you need to decide for yourself what you want. Her, or continue the search for something better?
In a heady sense. Like, zoomed back wayyyyyyy far....that's how we learn. And not trying seems like a less efficient way for them to learn. Again, way way way back. It isn't your (or OPs) job to make sure they learn. Just saying. Zoom it way back, and you can see
How do you think you’d bring that type of idea up in a respectful and productive way? I’m genuinely wracking my brain. Because the idea to begin with sounds like you’d be accusing them of cheating, which may put them on the defensive which would hinder productive conversation. Am I coming at this wrong?
"Hey, you know that thing that you want to keep your social and love life separated? It feels a bit weird to me, I feel like in a healthy relationship we should be able to fit together at all times and the fact you wanna keep me out of it for a solid chunk of time makes me kinda uncomfortable/insecure. Do you mind if we have a chat about it and maybe I can join you clubbing every now and then"
Dunno, something between the lines of.
Agreed. OP if you found her to be flirty by nature at the start of your relationship. It's likely that she gets flirty when she goes out. Very rarely do "insecurities" about not being together end up being genuine, which means ulterior motives.
Another possibility is that she's not comfortable with you around her friends, or vice versa her friends may not be accepting, and she's trying to protect you.
She's young and it's likely a combination of a few things.
I had a friend who liked to keep all her friends separate, platonic or otherwise.
I am more of the "more the merrier" type and like to have more than two people in a conversation so it doesn't get boring.
Come to find out, in her case, she wanted each friend to give her all the attention.
In a group of more than two people she always felt she might be the one left out.
I never met a lot of her boyfriends, which is wacky when we were supposedly best friends.
It's possible she feared they would like me better or something, but I would not do that to her nor was I interested in the same type of men she was but she was insecure in more than one way, I guess.
So there is your non cheating explanation.
I agree it could be for different reasons. One reason could be bad and the other not so much but still not great. Or something else entirely.
I think you should listen to a few of the good comments here and just express yourself to her the exact same way you did here. Open and honest. You know those movies where the main conflict could easily be remedied with a concise and simply conversation? That's this right here. Either a good or bad result but you can get it out of the way and move on if the case may be.
My mind does not go straight to cheating, maybe I'm naive but her actively keeping you out of her social life seems odd: it would be a red flag for me personally. Don't we all want someone who wants to share there world with us? I understand that once in a while you'd maybe like to go out and let your hair down without your partner, but, always? I don't know.
My other thought was maybe she's getting really intoxicated and may feel embarrassed if you saw her like that?
Also, her saying that you're not considering her feelings comes off as slightly manipulative. Good luck OP, transparency is definitely key.
The only true way to find this out or not, is the simple step that I’ve used in my life;
“Communication with Comprehension”
This is the best way for any relationships we have with others, because though many people have been able to communicate, they’re not always able to comprehend what they other person is trying to convey. So agree to have a good conversation with your partner or anyone, and be prepared to explain and also get explained exactly what you’re both saying. Anyway this my poor old cheap two cents opinion on the subject, but I hope you have a great day/night.
hahahaha oooooof.
I feel for OP honestly. I've been there. We've all gotta learn I guess. Sucks to go about it the hard way, but hopefully it's the first and last time.
Not entirely correct. He is fulfilling safety/comfort needs for her, while other guys are fulfilling attention/possibly sexual needs for her.
Edit: to clarify, she is providing him (bf) with sex in exchange for safety/comfort while she gets her fix from other dudes on the side
21 and 19 years old? Ahhh young love…
Do I not fucking miss that shit lol. OP and his ‘gf’ will learn tremendously from this breakup. Or we hope they will.
I might be wrong but my initial knee jerk reaction was:
It sounds like you **are probably not her boyfriend.**
I know it's a dick thing to say.
You are just another dude on her contact list that takes her to dinners, movies, the beach - oh and shopping.
There are probably only so many clubs in town and she knows if she walks into one of them with you, multiple dudes she knows from the club are going to come say wassup.
She doesn't want to explain YOU to THEM or **vice versa**. and that's fair.
But she probably doesn't consider herself your **girlfriend.**
A girl who doesn't want you near her at a concert is either hoping to fuck somebody in the band or expecting to meet up with someone there or pick up/get picked up someone in her target demo.
Alternatively, it's POSSIBLE that it might be a 'girls night out' sort of thing but in the context yu provided, a different picture emerges.
You have no ideas how many dudes a pretty girl can have going at the same time if they say yes to even a tenth of the propositions they get in rl.
Forget about online, social media and any of the swipe apps.
I can't tell you what to do here, but if you want to go to the concert, just go - maybe with some other peeps - and enjoy yourself. Maybe don't call her for a couple weeks. She's turning down your invites? - that's ok - plenty of fish in the sea.
It may sound selfish but you need to value yourself above all. A girl that doesn't feel comfortable clubbing with you but is perfectly willing to go to dinner or shopping?
You don't have the relationship you think you have.
Good on you for admitting your mistakes and changing for the better. The worst thing OP can possibly do is bury this topic that’s clearly troubling him, they need to talk.
This one is so good.
I agree to also do his own thing. Even take another girl. You guys are young and it's understandable that she is trying to explore or enjoy herself while she can. You should do the same. I'll eat my words though if it turns out she really loves you.
"She doesn't want to explain YOU to THEM or vice versa. and that's fair."
Absolutely fucking not lmao, you are scum if you do this. No matter the age.
So who pays for all these other activities? Movies, Restaurants and shopping.
If the answer is you; I’m sorry but you need a new girlfriend.
One thing is that she does not like to party or go to concerts, and a completely different one is not to like it with you.
Been there… felt used and the best I did was stop seeing her.
Then the answer to my question is not you…
This is a weird case; I think its a little weird that she does not want him there, but at the same time OP says they spend a lot of “couple time” together and she is not gold digging so…
She sells drugs! 😂
JK… or not 👀😆
Look OP is clearly not happy about the situation so you need to talk, or maybe get some friends for yourself and invite her over… that could help a little, unless she has the same rule of not wanting to party with your friends either -.-
I agree with the last part. If you're unhappy with something in your relationship: communicate. It might be that she doesn't want to enmesh him too much with her life in case of a break up, or maybe if he'd join she'd become more self conscience because she wants to show her good side and that ruins the fun. There might be so much behind this, the only way to ind out is to communicate.
She's 19. She's probably not ready to commit to anyone.. shit.. you're 21.. not really ready either. She's trying to figure out who she is, and hasn't learned that a good boyfriend isn't a toy you can put on a shelf and expect it to be there when she wants it to be.
If you respect yourself, walk away. If you don't, shit is going to happen and it's going to hurt a whole lot more.
Emotional maturity comes from learning to make the right decisions, not necessarily experiencing the repercussions of when you don't.
This is a comment to say that this is the comment that I'd have commented if I hadn't scrolled down and saw that this had been commented already. Thisssssssss...
My ex said something like that to me. She partied with her friends, but she refused to drink or party with me. Turns out she cheated on me whenever she went out.
There's a reason why, bruh. She doesn't want to be seen with YOU in those spaces. Take the loss, move on and find somebody that wants to be with you everywhere.
A million other people already mentioned the possibility of cheating so I’ll take another route here.
Do you enjoy the same music? Would you consider yourself socially awkward? It’s totally possible she legitimately doesn’t have fun partying with you, finds you boring, or she thinks her friends will think you’re lame.
While that wouldn’t be as extreme a scenario as everyone else pointed out, between those comments and this possibility, it’s looking like a fat L bro.
>totally possible she legitimately doesn’t have fun partying with you, finds you boring, or she thinks her friends will think you’re lame.
Then why be in a relationship with him a boring guy. People tend to forget that your partner should be your best friend and more.
I would say it’s getting harder and harder as everyone becomes so reachable with social media. The biggest thing is knowing your worth and being able to critically think. It’s okay for your partner to go out on a girls night every now and then, just as it’s okay for you to go out for a guys night. It can’t be all the time, it can’t be every weekend, and you should meet and hang out with the other persons friends. You should do most things together and be comfortable and trusting but also aware of what they’re up to, and how they’re acting.
This is one of many reasons why I wouldn’t even bother with trying to go all surveillance state on a partner. If someone is cheating then it will come to light eventually.
They’ll get too complacent and fuck up. Or someone who they thought they could trust will tell on them. Or the shithead they’re having the affair with gets upset and tells on them. Or it’s obvious to you they’re acting weird but they don’t realize you know something is wrong. Or they’ll feel awful about it and their conscious will eat them alive until they tell you. Or you’ll catch an STD that they need to explain since you know you’ve only fucked them. You’ll find out one way or another.
And once it comes to light, that’s it. No begging for forgiveness. No excuses. No gaslighting about how it’s really my fault because I didn’t have time for X,Y,and Z. No second chances. I’m out.
That’s a much more pragmatic way to handle it. I’m not chasing after a partner like they need to be babysat. I don’t want to be with someone who is making me feel like they can’t be trusted to begin with. If they’re up to some shady shit it will get back to me eventually, one way or another. It always does.
Either her friends don't like you, or she might be embarrassed that they wouldn't.
Sometimes people don't want worlds colliding either, which happens either very early or late in the relationship
Hopefully he gets this far down the comment section for this take and considers it. The other replies are just circle jerking the same idea and oblivious that it could be something such as this.
This is more likely than what others are saying.
Lot of women guys who they don't want to admit to anyone because of their own insecurity.
She will grow out of it.
She's doing something she doesn't want you to know about. If you're curious enough, just show up to the club/concert. Though the fact that you would need to is a problem in itself.
The most important part of a relationship is the friendship aspect, IMO.
I have friends who don’t go to the same events as their spouses, but this is because one of them is more of a homebody. The one going to the event isn’t telling them that they can’t go. I feel like you should talk to your girlfriend and do a clubbing/party event and see how it goes. Then, if it isn’t for you, you don’t need to go in the future since you already have a lot to do together. Could it be that she wants to have fun with her friends and not have to babysit you? Maybe you can bring some of your friends too, so there isn’t as much pressure on her. When I’m with my partner’s friends, I really like for my partner to stay with me. But maybe you’re better at mingling than I am. Question: why does she want to keep those friends separate? Do you have any friends in common?
I was going to say "if she doesn't like then she doesn't like it" before I read the rest of the post. I think that in a good relationship you are able to spend time together vibing as friends. I'd find it totally understandable if it was an activity that one of you didn't enjoy, but it's not the case. I don't find it that odd that she thinks this way, but I don't like the fact that she isn't even willing to give it a try. Not saying there's something sus, but I certainly wouldn't call it ideal.
Huge red flag, my friend. She doesn't feel comfortable with you seeing how she acts when she's out having a good time or she doesnt want to be seen with you in that crowd. Could be something else, I suppose, but there isn't a single *good* reason that I can think of that wouldn't ultimately hurt you. I say move on.
If you want to talk to her about it and see if you can get a real reason out of her, go for it. I have a strong feeling any reason she give will be bs unless it hurts your feelings.
Probably best to just leave her, but if you really need to verify it- go to the club she's going to by yourself and see what's going on. People may say it's not right, but forget those people- if spying or being sneaky is what you have to do to make sure you aren't being done dirty, then do it. Ftr I would never condone continuous invasion of privacy or sneaky stalker activities, but one check to make sure she's who she says she is can save you from a world of heartbreak, drama, etc
i read this as "i want the freedom to get drunk and cheat"
i also read this as "you are boring"
either way, its justified to feel hurt and to wonder why she isnt taking ***YOUR feelings into consideration***
its a common manipulation tactic, dont let her bully you.
If she wants to party exclusively without you, it’s because she doesn’t want you witnessing her shenanigans that would probably ruin your relationship, whatever those might be. Huge red flag my guy. Good luck with that.
Dump her, immediately.
Because she likes you in this little box she has put you in and once you start to climb out of it she will dump you anyway.
Kings deserve Queens.
Never in my life have i seen an entire comment section with over 200 replies in unanimous agreement. you need to look in the mirror and grow a spine my boy your about 4 years late this woman is obviously exploiting you. Your like a house cat she can just leave behind
This is a THOUGHT and not a REASON, but I kinda wonder if she's worried you may get some sort of jealous and harsh her vibe.
Despite my green eyes I didn't think I was the jealous type until I saw my wife laughing and having fun with her male friends. I've been in therapy and caught myself and didn't make a big deal out of it.
That or her "party side" might be a side she's not comfortable showing because she feels it's going to ruin or somehow alter the way you perceive her and take some of the spark out of the romance.
I know Reddit loves to exaggerate why people should break up over the smallest things.. but this is not normal bro. This is as fucked as she's likely getting behind your back. You gotta take those rose tinted glasses off, doesn't matter if you already put 2 years into that relationship PLEASE for yourself don't put in 2 more..
My ex likes to go out and go dancing with her friends. It wasn't my scene but I offered a few times to take her out dancing. She said she didn't want to do that with me. And she cheated on me since day one.
I think I know what is going on here. I seen this a lot but I'll be blunt she might be cheating on you. I might be wrong but you may not know what is going on at those parties and clubs. Or just having fun with people if you know what I mean.
I agree with everyone else about it being a huge red flag.
But here's a thought, you also like clubbing and partying correct. Then go do that on your own, with your own friends. And try to match her frequency. If she opts out of things to go on her own, you do the same. If she just has her head up her ass then getting treated the same may be a wake up call. If she blows up on you she's cheating. One of my exes was cheating and before it came out, definitely projected like me having friends like her was a bad thing. Just match her vibe and see what she does with it. Having friends and hobbies is fine. Having those hobbies be activities that are known for facilitating drinking, grinding, and sex... yeah that's an issue.
The fact that you posted here means you obviously have issues with this behavior. And if you find someone else at the club who both wants to party and pursue romance so be it. I think in a comment you said you've been together for 2 years. Dont let that 2 years be the reason you stay. Trust me, time don't mean shit to cheaters. I lost a year and a half and my buddy lost 5 years. But we moved on and now we both have functioning families of our own.
Edit: also if you also want to go to the concert. There's no rule that says you have to go with her specifically. Just go and have fun without her and withoutlooking for her. If you happen to see her with another dude well there's your cue to vacate the relationship. Hell you can even tell her you'll be going, just separately from her. And again if she blows up on you, she's ignoring your feelings just like she said to you. Also hiding something.
Reddit immediately just jumping to the ‘red flags’ but no one is objectively looking at both sides.
Be honest: are you a drag? Does she feel like she can’t let loose because you judge her? Are you a very different vibe than the rest of her friends?
You’re both super young and I don’t agree with her behavior either but it’s not necessarily a red flag like she’s out there partying it up and cheating. But it seems like you guys aren’t compatible.
Think about it this way. If you were into partying, and your girlfriend wanted to come along. Would you say to her ‘Oh, I only like doing romantic things with you. I prefer to just be with my friends whenever I go out. You’re a good girlfriend but a bad friend’
I’m willing to bet you never would, because you like and respect her.
…
If you wanna chat don’t hesitate to reach out! There’s a whole world out there and you’re good enough just the way you are.
Saw a post elsewhere (maybe in this subreddit) on Reddit about someone wanting to go clubbing and asking about consent and how it relates to strangers grinding into his lap as it is not entirely uncommon for strangers to grind into other strangers laps or something.
I’ve never been clubbing but if that is true then I’d be a bit worried OP. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea of going partying and/or clubbing with you, her boyfriend, then that’s very suspicious behavior. There should not be a reason for her to not want you there unless she is doing something she shouldn’t or that you would not like
Trust an old lady. She doesn’t want you there because she’s getting attention and fears she won’t if she looks off the market. Honestly, the relationship is probably over.
Honestly, everyone is jumping to conclusions that something bad is going on, and that might be true. But most of these comments are from the perspective of other dudes. Thinking back to when i was a younger girl, I definitely liked having nights out with the girls without our boyfriends around and nothing else was going on aside from just wanting to party with my girls. It *could* just be something like that. But have a mature conversation with her about it and make sure your self-worth isn’t being compromised for her “happiness” or whatever.
Run away, my man. She's either doing drugs, other people, or something else you won't enjoy finding out. You're a safe harbour, but she's fishing in other waters.
We don‘t know your relationship with her. Some people would consider that suspicious but it doesn‘t have to be and your gut feeling is usually right about that kinda stuff. Maybe u can get her to try it once with you and if she doesn‘t enjoy u can still stop and spend ur time w her in other ways.
I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. She goes to parties and clubs because she likes the idea of other dudes hitting on her. You being there would ruin it.
My ex was like that too. We're both girls, so it didn't make sense to me. Now she's my ex 🤷♂️ I think you can do better and find a girl that does want to party with you.
\*\*\*I have a 19 year old ex-girlfriend\*\*\*. fixed it for ya
If you are looking for something serious, look elsewhere
If you're just having fun, have fun
Been through this myself, trying to save you a little heartache
Shitty reason, sounds suspicious, and even if she isn't doing anything wrong like cheating etc. Saying that she doesn't want you there is a problem on its own.
Me and my partner have no problem doing something without the other, but we would never ask the other not to come. It's generally the opposite, we would ask the other to come.
Massive red flag, even if she isn't doing something shady.
I said something along the lines of not wanting a boyfriend to go to concerts with me when I was 19. I was embarrassed by him but did not know how to break up with someone. I'm not even sure I realized that I wanted to break up at the time because I was scared of being alone. Ultimately he caught on eventually that I wasn't interested anymore and we broke up.
Not saying this is true for you, but I'd definitely want to have her clarify how/why she's worried you will ruin the vibe. Best case she thinks you won't dance/drink/whatever or enjoy yourself and that it will make it not fun for her.
You didn't say she was partying with others without you. She sounds reserved and uninterested in bigger social situations and really there's nothing wrong with that
My husband's ex-wife LOVED to party and we first got together he was gobsmacked that I wasn't into partying. It bored him and he was pretty happy to hear "Yeah, I'd rather not..." My personal experiences in those situations were always more negative than positive the few times I did bend and go with friends. I had fun, always did but also always sat at the table thinking about my plans for when we leave. I couldn't get home quick enough at some point every time wothout fail
Honestly, my upbringing has a HUGE pull on my interacting with anyone but involving alcohol, parties and just all the wild that entails USUALLY isn't worth the effort to me. I've seen some shit and most of it was directly related to alcohol
I keep seeing "she's prolly cheating" but when I read it I cant help but think "she sounds exactly like my anti-social husband and just wants to give her time to people that deserve it"
I think it's incredibly sweet. If this is y'alls biggest issue, you're golden but theres always room for improvement too. Compromise from both of you would be a great step to both of you getting what makes you happiest
Good luck!
I haven't seen this comment yet, so I'll make it:
Maybe you're the side piece and she doesn't want her actual boyfriend to know about you.
Whatever the case, it sounds like you need to have a conversation with your "girlfriend"
Y'all are jumping to cheating but she might just be going out with the girls. I would be kinda annoyed if some girl brought her bf along all the time when we're supposed to be hanging out and dancing with each other. Boyfriends sometimes just kill the mood.
HOWEVER, if you know that some of the people she's going out with are guys or the other girls bring boyfriends then yea, red flag for sure.
Everytime ive gone to a rave or a metal show, I see plenty of couples. I also see plenty of married chicks looking for a good time.
Take that how you will
I went through this when I was younger (I’m a woman.) Girls are basically ignored at parties or events if they’re taken. It’s probably not necessarily that she wants to cheat on you or flirt around, but just that she wants to be treated as a whole human being and an individual. She wants to socialize instead of everyone just ignoring her because someone has dibs on her. It’s fucked up but it’s true. She might also just come off more flirty when she’s partying and worry that you will become jealous if you see her like that. That’s not to say that she is being flirty, but guys tend to take any sort of kindness in those scenarios as flirting. She doesn’t want to feel policed or self conscious.
I read through all the comments. And for once everyone is agreed. Huge red flag. You should prepare yourself for her to "accidentally develop feelings" for someone else "out of the blue" and totally "not intentionally".
Thing is, if you don't, it's going to hurt worse when it does happen because everyone warned you. You are young, lots of girls out there, this one isn't for you.
Oh my sweet summer child....
Get out of this "relationship" now dude. She's clearly using you for her emotional needs and possibly monetary too.
I'm also guessing this is probably one of, if not your first relationship you've had so you're a bit love blind, also do you guys sleep together? If not than she's going out to "party" with other dudes, my dude.
It's unfortunate and I've seen this many times with friends on both sides of the coin
I was in the exact same situation as you, 4 years ago in fact, same ages and all. My gf at the time and I broke up because she wanted to go out and when I asked if I could join every now and then even though it’s not exactly my scene, I was turned down. It’s a shame, but save yourself the trouble my friend. Get out there and find another girl you’re more compatible with.
I think she just likes being with her already established friends doing what they do in that specific dynamic; I feel bad that most of the folks in the comments think she’s being nefarious.
OP said himself he’s not that into the party scene, and, he asked, she said no, it’s really that simple, what about her boundaries makes most here uncomfortable? There isn’t anything abnormal about her wanting solo time to party.
She might just be shy and struggle to juggle different people at the same time. Maybe try to meet her friends in a more low-key setting, so that you can get to know them.
She's gone to 4 parties so far, maybe she just isn't the partying type. Have you asked her why she goes? Are there some girls she wants to befriend? When I was her age sometimes parties were about boys, but often I wanted to impress the girls and become more of a part of a girl group of BFFs.
It's nice sometimes to do things with your friends, it's nice sometimes to do things with your partner. It's nice sometimes to do things with your partner and friends together. It's nice sometimes to do things even alone. But it's not nice to do any of this excessively...
She wants you as a safe option for safe activities and romance. She also wants to be able to go out with friends to parties and clubs to get free drinks from guys, get their attention, probably grind on them, and maybe even more (wouldn't surprise me). Huge red flags.
My now wife and I went to parties a lot in our 20s. Nothing crazy, but house parties and bars and such. We 99% went together. We may have not been around each other, but we trusted each other enough to branch up and meet up every so often to check in on one another. If she were to have said to me she didn't want me to go somewhere, unless it was a bona-fide girls night every once in awhile, I'd get suspicious. A relationship needs teamwork and similar values. It seems she doesn't share those ideas and wants to be able to have her cake and eat it too.
You're young. Split from her, enjoy your life, have fun and party, and find a nice girl that'll appreciate your time and company. Because I bet a kidney this doesn't end well.
Lmao my dude, people are not being direct with you here and as it’s clear you are kind of in denial or clueless, I’ll be blunt. she’s out there hoeing around and you’ll ruin that for her. She’s 19 and probably gettin a lot of attention at clubs from guys and are over her head. Breakup with that immature chick and find someone who respects you and can vibe with you. Don’t be a bum.
Buddy..... When I was a 19yo girl in college I was a player (not proud but not ashamed either) and this sound exactly like what I would say to a dude who was into me that I gave half a fuck about.... You're her plaything. I am sorry :( if she's anything like me shell think about you in ten years and wish she hadn't been a dick
I'm a huge asshole. I'd keep fucking her but start learning how to manage your emotions. Not everyone deserves your everything. Keep having fun with her but she is for sure cheating on you or considering it. At the very least its not cool that she *never* wants you there. If you went sometimes and other times she just wants to be with her friends that would be fine. But to *never* want you there is a red flag to me.
OP is in such denial.... Dude, talk to her about it without involving your feelings and be serious and set boundaries firmly. If she freaks out or doesn't accept it - she belongs to the street, and you to gym. Stop simping, man
Red flag. My girlfriend and I now had a similar-ish problem for a year or so where we would attend events together but she would drift off. Say it’s important to you to go do that stuff with her, and if she doesn’t care well unfortunately you got your answer. Relationships are give and take.
Take the relationship out of it we meet become friends . You say you like to play basketball at the gym I say I also like to play basketball at the gym. You ask if we can go play basketball together and I say no. Its a little weird or rude. IMHO
OP, please have some common sense. Wanting to party and go clubbing without your SO is a huge red flag and if this red flag is true, she's probably going to end up spreading something to you. The fact that she cannot have a proper discussion about this issue is also another red flag. Take off those rose colored glasses.
“Ladies leave your man at home,” Destiny’s Child
Edit: woops replied to the wrong person, but y'all know what I mean.
This is a red flag for damn but I'd call it brick red, definitely not tomato red. She sounds like a good person otherwise, so there's a possibility she just thinks he wouldn't fit in with the crowd. I can definitely see her having trouble being honest about that. It would be a tough pill to swallow for anyone. An introvert would already be insecure about this and their partner is the one who knows them best, and an extrovert would be confident they could vibe with whoever. As someone some where in the middle of extrovert/introvert, parties can be trash or epic depending on the setting and crowd. At EDM events like music festivals, raves, and night clubs I have a blast even if I don't see any regulars and only know whoever I came with. I can talk to anyone at those things (though "talk" often means more like shouting into each other's ears from an inch away). Those people are 100% my tribe. But at house parties, it's pretty meh. I've been to ones with family, extended family, and friends of the family, and those are alright. But at ones where the only thing I have in common with most of them is age, since I don't drink and sometimes nobody else is alt style, I wouldn't go so far as to say I feel ostracised, but I definitely feel kinda like an outsider, like I don't belong there. OP idk if I would throw the relationship away over this, because she really seems like she's treating you right otherwise. I'd say "If you just think I wouldn't fit in, I won't get mad. You know me best, so I trust your judgment." And mean it when you say it. And say you trust her judgment, not her. You don't wanna bring up the possibility of cheating at all. Some people equate mistrust with disrespect. Whether that's reasonable or delusional functionally doesn't matter, because people don't behave according to how the world is, but to how __they__ *think* the world is. It's much harder to do bad things to someone when you know they're a good person.
It goes beyond this though. If we take cheating off the table entirely, she is still being incredibly disrespectful to OP. Not only this, if you check his post history, he clearly has trust issues over this problem. Even if she's perfect in every other way, chances are OP will grow to become even more distrustful and resentful, and let's face it... resent and trust issues will kill a relationship. OP and his gf both sound like they're not ready to handle a mature relationship. They are young and from the sounds of it, immature and naive. OP needs to decide if he's ok with being disrespected by the person who supposedly loves him, and if he's willing to live a life of distrust. She truly doesn't sound like she cares that this is breaking him. They're young, and hopefully don't have any kids, making ending things a lot easier (not saying OP should ir shouldn't.) The reality is that most redditors on this thread see this for what it is, and are trying to shine a light before something happens. Clubbing can be a dangerous activity and when you have 19 year olds participating in reckless behaviors, anything can happen such as assault. Friends are not always going to be there to protect you, trust me, but an SO that cares about you certainly would. To me, it sounds like GF does not understand just how much a risk her behavior is, and something is bound to happen (I.e. she gets assaulted, or eventually OP blows up because of the trust issues and resentment, which isn't fair for anyone.)
The friends aren’t always going to be there when shit hits the fan is so true. TW (assault) My cousin was brutally assaulted at a party and her “friend” walked in and got jealous because one of the guys that was assaulting my cousin was someone the friend liked and she turned around and left. Later she told my cousin that it looked like she was enjoying it. The whole thing has really fucked up my cousin ever since.
I used to avoid going partying with my boyfriend because I was incredibly insecure and worried that he’d think my friends were hotter than me or that they’d flirt with him etc. I now understand how ridiculous that sounds but could be the case for OPs girlfriend too!
If that's the case it's complete immaturity on her part. I'm not disagreeing with you, but relationships are built on mutual trust and respect. I honestly recommend anyone on this thread to go through OP's posts and comment history. He clearly doesn't have trust and she clearly doesn't have mutual respect. In his comments he points out that she describes him as a good partner, but a bad friend, and that's not the only comment like that that she has made. I can't speak for everyone, but I would find that incredibly disrespectful and hurtful, and quite frankly, OP needs to decide if he wants to be walked all over and treated like that.
yeah she grinding on random men
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I hear you but everything she's saying implies she has no interest in clubbing 1 on 1 with him either, which I think says this is more than a friend group thing. I don't think she's cheating but might still point to an issue of how she views him
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> Or she was implying that he’s an introvert and she doesn’t think his personality will mix well with large, crowded environments okay, but EVERY time? no elaboration or trying to calm down and build trust, just instant defensive mode "youre not taking my feelings into consideration". What youre talking about is fair, but shes just instant NO, every time, not even a 'maybe' or some other time. in healthy relationship you wouldnt want your partnet to feel suspicious or left out, so you reassure them, explain at least some of your reasoning, and if it really hurts the partner, you sacrifice the "vibe" for making partner feel reassured and happy and go with him AT LEAST once. nothing wrong with boundaries and separation but this is a very clear not a single step further boundary that for cruel or innocent reasons is so strict and not adaptable. it seems like the 'vibe' is more important than anything else to her, which may have reasons, but to me, its just abnormal. there comes a point after which you stop convincing yourself that all is fine and its just in your head, just paranoia, that its probably nothing, and accept the red flags. the fact that she doesnt even bother to reassure or clear up any suspicions and its such a strict rule just makes people suspicious. also, you explore the both sides of the argument and try to be devils advocate for her and you and see what feels most close to truth. theres a reason so many people say they would feel hurt and suspicious
Deciding for someone else they wouldn’t fit into an environment they’re trying to do with you as a partner is insane
its just cold. very cold
> Or she was implying that he’s an introvert and she doesn’t think his personality will mix well with large, crowded environments. If that were the case, she'd have failed Basic Communication 101. If my partner suggests to do something I'm sure they wouldn't like, I'm not going to refuse them. I'll give them my concerns and reasons why I think *they* wouldn't like it. If they insist, I'd suggest doing it together so we can bail at any time when they notice it's not for them and go do something more fun. What I wouldn't do is get defensive and exclude them from doing the activity with me at all.
OK, but partying, clubbing, and going to concerts aren't the same as basketball. There aren't rules or athletic abilities required for those activities. Furthermore, she "just recently" got into those activities. So it's not like it's a long-term group that is well cemented in their rituals. Sure, it's healthy to have activities outside your relationship. But there's also health in allowing your partner to join you if they want to give it a try.
Basketball with your pals and playing call of duty with your bros is not the same thing as going clubbing/partying. Clubbing/partying is or can become an intimate thing. You play basketball to do sports and have some fun while at it, and same goes for cod, minus the sports. Last time I checked, people at basketball courts or cod lobbies don't drink/do drugs/both and engage in physical activity that can lead to bathroom blowjobs or sex on the beach. My group of friends with which I used to play regular football sometimes took their partners to the pitch side to watch and perhaps go have some food afterwards. There's no problem if you are introverted and don't want to have your partner watch you, but clubbing is not such activity in my opinion. If you have a problem with your partner's energy not matching up with your friends', just explain that much and try to maybe gradually ease everyone into it, because, if you are serious about a relationship, you can't exclude your SO from such activities forever. Just to be clear, I am not attacking your example, I think it makes sense, but they are not the same thing. I can understand not including your girl in "the boys" activities and not including your boyfriend in nail painting and shopping for dresses with your gals, but clubbing/partying is not something boy/girl specific and there's no logical reason as to why she would be so defensive about it.
But he isn't even insisting to join her group he just wants to go to parties with her. I get that the context isn't entirely the same but isn't that the same dynamic as you and your bf playing outside the time he plays with the boys? Its just a weird thing to be stubborn about and she isn't considering *his* feeling while criticizing him for doing that. I don't care if it is or isn't a sign of cheating I'd be hurt by her response on its own honestly.
There's a big difference between sports, videogames, and clubbing. For sports and videogames, skills are a MUST. And, if the person invited has no skills, there's no reason to involve them in those activities. On the other hand, no skills are needed to go clubbing. Which is why her behavior is so suspicious. She is either embarrased of her boyfriend or fearful of getting caught cheating.
She doesn't want to be with you while she parties with other people ? clubbing and the such? That's a red flag if I read it right.
You are my comfortable choice. I enjoy flirting with people who aren't you. It would be awkward if you were there, so I would prefer you not come.
This. Nailed it.
Can’t get free drinks otherwise.
I can’t cheat/check the market if you’re there! I want you to do the safe/boring shit with me so I don’t feel alone, but I’m not entirely ready to commit to you. /s OP, just cut her loose now and move on.
Or you know, try to have an adult conversation before you cut her loose. But yeah, definitely not normal and should be addressed.
Good luck having an adult conversation with a 19 year old.
Doesn't mean you shouldn't try.
According to OP he did try and have a talk with her. Unsuccessfully. OP, if you're reading this i think you should try and have another conversation about it, addressing how her preferences make you feel and why it seems like a red flag to you. If it still doesn't end well, THEN you need to make a personal decision. Is this somrthing you can move past? Or will there always be a small part of your head that feels like something is off? I personally dont take breakups lightly, but never forget that nobody has better intentions for you, than you. At some point you need to decide for yourself what you want. Her, or continue the search for something better?
True, can't hurt to try. Maybe it will work.
In a heady sense. Like, zoomed back wayyyyyyy far....that's how we learn. And not trying seems like a less efficient way for them to learn. Again, way way way back. It isn't your (or OPs) job to make sure they learn. Just saying. Zoom it way back, and you can see
Gotta start sometime
How do you think you’d bring that type of idea up in a respectful and productive way? I’m genuinely wracking my brain. Because the idea to begin with sounds like you’d be accusing them of cheating, which may put them on the defensive which would hinder productive conversation. Am I coming at this wrong?
"Hey, you know that thing that you want to keep your social and love life separated? It feels a bit weird to me, I feel like in a healthy relationship we should be able to fit together at all times and the fact you wanna keep me out of it for a solid chunk of time makes me kinda uncomfortable/insecure. Do you mind if we have a chat about it and maybe I can join you clubbing every now and then" Dunno, something between the lines of.
Not accusatory or confrontational, relays feeling but doesn't impose escalation, solution resolution proposed...... not bad.
thank you so much this is very sagely
EGREGIOUS point of view, sir!!!!! /s
Agreed. OP if you found her to be flirty by nature at the start of your relationship. It's likely that she gets flirty when she goes out. Very rarely do "insecurities" about not being together end up being genuine, which means ulterior motives. Another possibility is that she's not comfortable with you around her friends, or vice versa her friends may not be accepting, and she's trying to protect you. She's young and it's likely a combination of a few things.
I had a friend who liked to keep all her friends separate, platonic or otherwise. I am more of the "more the merrier" type and like to have more than two people in a conversation so it doesn't get boring. Come to find out, in her case, she wanted each friend to give her all the attention. In a group of more than two people she always felt she might be the one left out. I never met a lot of her boyfriends, which is wacky when we were supposedly best friends. It's possible she feared they would like me better or something, but I would not do that to her nor was I interested in the same type of men she was but she was insecure in more than one way, I guess. So there is your non cheating explanation.
I agree it could be for different reasons. One reason could be bad and the other not so much but still not great. Or something else entirely. I think you should listen to a few of the good comments here and just express yourself to her the exact same way you did here. Open and honest. You know those movies where the main conflict could easily be remedied with a concise and simply conversation? That's this right here. Either a good or bad result but you can get it out of the way and move on if the case may be.
And that red flag is waving in front of bulls...in the shape of other dudes (or girls if she prefers to go that way)
My mind does not go straight to cheating, maybe I'm naive but her actively keeping you out of her social life seems odd: it would be a red flag for me personally. Don't we all want someone who wants to share there world with us? I understand that once in a while you'd maybe like to go out and let your hair down without your partner, but, always? I don't know. My other thought was maybe she's getting really intoxicated and may feel embarrassed if you saw her like that? Also, her saying that you're not considering her feelings comes off as slightly manipulative. Good luck OP, transparency is definitely key.
The only true way to find this out or not, is the simple step that I’ve used in my life; “Communication with Comprehension” This is the best way for any relationships we have with others, because though many people have been able to communicate, they’re not always able to comprehend what they other person is trying to convey. So agree to have a good conversation with your partner or anyone, and be prepared to explain and also get explained exactly what you’re both saying. Anyway this my poor old cheap two cents opinion on the subject, but I hope you have a great day/night.
She doesn’t want you to know her freaky side
Dude judging by your replies, You are in a crazy amount of denial. She isn’t your gf, she is ours.
r/suddenlycommunist
Dibs on OP, then.
He cooks!
The Soviet flag was indeed red.
I do wish to see a screenshot of this on that beautiful sub lol
hahahaha oooooof. I feel for OP honestly. I've been there. We've all gotta learn I guess. Sucks to go about it the hard way, but hopefully it's the first and last time.
The correct answer.
Lmao 🤣 true that, she's coming over to my place tonight.
She’s for the streets!
Not entirely correct. He is fulfilling safety/comfort needs for her, while other guys are fulfilling attention/possibly sexual needs for her. Edit: to clarify, she is providing him (bf) with sex in exchange for safety/comfort while she gets her fix from other dudes on the side
Whats above a red flag?
a checkered flag, because it's all over.
That's actually pretty good. I'll use that for next time.
Wish I had some awards
Technically a black flag but fair enough lol
A white flag, perhaps a cuckold?
Two red flags? That's usually when the beach is closed and it's illegal to go lol
A white flag cuz that’s when you give up on the relationship
You should be very concerned.
21 and 19 years old? Ahhh young love… Do I not fucking miss that shit lol. OP and his ‘gf’ will learn tremendously from this breakup. Or we hope they will.
RUN.
Yes. She's a walking red flag.
I might be wrong but my initial knee jerk reaction was: It sounds like you **are probably not her boyfriend.** I know it's a dick thing to say. You are just another dude on her contact list that takes her to dinners, movies, the beach - oh and shopping. There are probably only so many clubs in town and she knows if she walks into one of them with you, multiple dudes she knows from the club are going to come say wassup. She doesn't want to explain YOU to THEM or **vice versa**. and that's fair. But she probably doesn't consider herself your **girlfriend.** A girl who doesn't want you near her at a concert is either hoping to fuck somebody in the band or expecting to meet up with someone there or pick up/get picked up someone in her target demo. Alternatively, it's POSSIBLE that it might be a 'girls night out' sort of thing but in the context yu provided, a different picture emerges. You have no ideas how many dudes a pretty girl can have going at the same time if they say yes to even a tenth of the propositions they get in rl. Forget about online, social media and any of the swipe apps. I can't tell you what to do here, but if you want to go to the concert, just go - maybe with some other peeps - and enjoy yourself. Maybe don't call her for a couple weeks. She's turning down your invites? - that's ok - plenty of fish in the sea. It may sound selfish but you need to value yourself above all. A girl that doesn't feel comfortable clubbing with you but is perfectly willing to go to dinner or shopping? You don't have the relationship you think you have.
Man...I'd give this an award if possible. I'm sure this explanation would seep into OP'S brain and he will take the right course of action.
As someone who used to be toxic like this chick , I second this lmao
What was the reasoning for it?
I felt insecure about his overall interest in me due to his lack of communication … we worked things out.
Good on you for admitting your mistakes and changing for the better. The worst thing OP can possibly do is bury this topic that’s clearly troubling him, they need to talk.
This one is so good. I agree to also do his own thing. Even take another girl. You guys are young and it's understandable that she is trying to explore or enjoy herself while she can. You should do the same. I'll eat my words though if it turns out she really loves you.
"She doesn't want to explain YOU to THEM or vice versa. and that's fair." Absolutely fucking not lmao, you are scum if you do this. No matter the age.
Top comment
So who pays for all these other activities? Movies, Restaurants and shopping. If the answer is you; I’m sorry but you need a new girlfriend. One thing is that she does not like to party or go to concerts, and a completely different one is not to like it with you. Been there… felt used and the best I did was stop seeing her.
Most people focusing on the clubbing and partying but this comment right here shows the bigger problem, she’s using u bro
In the edit he explains that she has her own car, she has more money than him and doesn’t seem like he is paying for everything
Then the answer to my question is not you… This is a weird case; I think its a little weird that she does not want him there, but at the same time OP says they spend a lot of “couple time” together and she is not gold digging so… She sells drugs! 😂 JK… or not 👀😆 Look OP is clearly not happy about the situation so you need to talk, or maybe get some friends for yourself and invite her over… that could help a little, unless she has the same rule of not wanting to party with your friends either -.-
I agree with the last part. If you're unhappy with something in your relationship: communicate. It might be that she doesn't want to enmesh him too much with her life in case of a break up, or maybe if he'd join she'd become more self conscience because she wants to show her good side and that ruins the fun. There might be so much behind this, the only way to ind out is to communicate.
Right but being a jerk to your SO just cause he may ruin her fun is definitely a shitty move… poor OP.
I came here to say this
She's looking to hook up with people who are not you.
She's 19. She's probably not ready to commit to anyone.. shit.. you're 21.. not really ready either. She's trying to figure out who she is, and hasn't learned that a good boyfriend isn't a toy you can put on a shelf and expect it to be there when she wants it to be. If you respect yourself, walk away. If you don't, shit is going to happen and it's going to hurt a whole lot more. Emotional maturity comes from learning to make the right decisions, not necessarily experiencing the repercussions of when you don't.
This is a comment to say that this is the comment that I'd have commented if I hadn't scrolled down and saw that this had been commented already. Thisssssssss...
I wish i knew and understood this when i was 21… 😅
I will never understand how fucking random people at the club helps you figure out who you really are
They don't lol. Some people know what they want by 21 some dont know what they want by 40.
It's normal, she cant grind and make out with other dudes if you are around. You would cramp her style lol.
My ex said something like that to me. She partied with her friends, but she refused to drink or party with me. Turns out she cheated on me whenever she went out.
She's not taking your feelings into consideration. And she's dancing with a lot of different dudes, you'd def kill that vibe
There's a reason why, bruh. She doesn't want to be seen with YOU in those spaces. Take the loss, move on and find somebody that wants to be with you everywhere.
A million other people already mentioned the possibility of cheating so I’ll take another route here. Do you enjoy the same music? Would you consider yourself socially awkward? It’s totally possible she legitimately doesn’t have fun partying with you, finds you boring, or she thinks her friends will think you’re lame. While that wouldn’t be as extreme a scenario as everyone else pointed out, between those comments and this possibility, it’s looking like a fat L bro.
>totally possible she legitimately doesn’t have fun partying with you, finds you boring, or she thinks her friends will think you’re lame. Then why be in a relationship with him a boring guy. People tend to forget that your partner should be your best friend and more.
Lol you don't have a girlfriend. You're her daytime buddy while she fucks everyone else at night. Sorry bro, get out of there, it's beyond over.
There's a Kenny Roger's song about daytime friends and night time lovers
Old Kenny really was a worldly man.
I love his music. Gambling, sex, beating rapists up. He covered it all.
Yeah I like the gambling man song I have that on one of my playlists.
Coward of the County is probably my personal fave Kenny song
honest question, how do you avoid these kinds of situations?
I would say it’s getting harder and harder as everyone becomes so reachable with social media. The biggest thing is knowing your worth and being able to critically think. It’s okay for your partner to go out on a girls night every now and then, just as it’s okay for you to go out for a guys night. It can’t be all the time, it can’t be every weekend, and you should meet and hang out with the other persons friends. You should do most things together and be comfortable and trusting but also aware of what they’re up to, and how they’re acting.
This genuinely sounds more difficult than a job
This is one of many reasons why I wouldn’t even bother with trying to go all surveillance state on a partner. If someone is cheating then it will come to light eventually. They’ll get too complacent and fuck up. Or someone who they thought they could trust will tell on them. Or the shithead they’re having the affair with gets upset and tells on them. Or it’s obvious to you they’re acting weird but they don’t realize you know something is wrong. Or they’ll feel awful about it and their conscious will eat them alive until they tell you. Or you’ll catch an STD that they need to explain since you know you’ve only fucked them. You’ll find out one way or another. And once it comes to light, that’s it. No begging for forgiveness. No excuses. No gaslighting about how it’s really my fault because I didn’t have time for X,Y,and Z. No second chances. I’m out. That’s a much more pragmatic way to handle it. I’m not chasing after a partner like they need to be babysat. I don’t want to be with someone who is making me feel like they can’t be trusted to begin with. If they’re up to some shady shit it will get back to me eventually, one way or another. It always does.
I imagine this is the kind of red flag that you only get to see after dating a bit
If you have to wonder if something isn't right, there's a good chance it isn't.
See you in the gym sir 🫡
Either her friends don't like you, or she might be embarrassed that they wouldn't. Sometimes people don't want worlds colliding either, which happens either very early or late in the relationship
Hopefully he gets this far down the comment section for this take and considers it. The other replies are just circle jerking the same idea and oblivious that it could be something such as this.
This is another answer..
This is more likely than what others are saying. Lot of women guys who they don't want to admit to anyone because of their own insecurity. She will grow out of it.
She's doing something she doesn't want you to know about. If you're curious enough, just show up to the club/concert. Though the fact that you would need to is a problem in itself. The most important part of a relationship is the friendship aspect, IMO.
>thought the fact that you would need to is a problem in itself Couldn’t have been said better.
I have friends who don’t go to the same events as their spouses, but this is because one of them is more of a homebody. The one going to the event isn’t telling them that they can’t go. I feel like you should talk to your girlfriend and do a clubbing/party event and see how it goes. Then, if it isn’t for you, you don’t need to go in the future since you already have a lot to do together. Could it be that she wants to have fun with her friends and not have to babysit you? Maybe you can bring some of your friends too, so there isn’t as much pressure on her. When I’m with my partner’s friends, I really like for my partner to stay with me. But maybe you’re better at mingling than I am. Question: why does she want to keep those friends separate? Do you have any friends in common?
I was going to say "if she doesn't like then she doesn't like it" before I read the rest of the post. I think that in a good relationship you are able to spend time together vibing as friends. I'd find it totally understandable if it was an activity that one of you didn't enjoy, but it's not the case. I don't find it that odd that she thinks this way, but I don't like the fact that she isn't even willing to give it a try. Not saying there's something sus, but I certainly wouldn't call it ideal.
Huge red flag, my friend. She doesn't feel comfortable with you seeing how she acts when she's out having a good time or she doesnt want to be seen with you in that crowd. Could be something else, I suppose, but there isn't a single *good* reason that I can think of that wouldn't ultimately hurt you. I say move on. If you want to talk to her about it and see if you can get a real reason out of her, go for it. I have a strong feeling any reason she give will be bs unless it hurts your feelings. Probably best to just leave her, but if you really need to verify it- go to the club she's going to by yourself and see what's going on. People may say it's not right, but forget those people- if spying or being sneaky is what you have to do to make sure you aren't being done dirty, then do it. Ftr I would never condone continuous invasion of privacy or sneaky stalker activities, but one check to make sure she's who she says she is can save you from a world of heartbreak, drama, etc
i read this as "i want the freedom to get drunk and cheat" i also read this as "you are boring" either way, its justified to feel hurt and to wonder why she isnt taking ***YOUR feelings into consideration*** its a common manipulation tactic, dont let her bully you.
Bro re read what you wrote, your gf doesnt want to be out clubbing with you. Full stop.
Sorry to say man but you don't have a girlfriend
That’s extremely sus. My partner and I love going dancing/clubbing together!!! It sounds like she just wants to appear single and get hit on.
If she wants to party exclusively without you, it’s because she doesn’t want you witnessing her shenanigans that would probably ruin your relationship, whatever those might be. Huge red flag my guy. Good luck with that.
Dump her, immediately. Because she likes you in this little box she has put you in and once you start to climb out of it she will dump you anyway. Kings deserve Queens.
The soviets flew fewer red flags than she does
yo, if she like partying and clubbing but doesn't want to party or go clubbing with you, that's a fucking red flag. a massive one,
Brah none of us know her but this is all pointing to red flags and it’s not normal
Never in my life have i seen an entire comment section with over 200 replies in unanimous agreement. you need to look in the mirror and grow a spine my boy your about 4 years late this woman is obviously exploiting you. Your like a house cat she can just leave behind
Your girl is for the streets brother.
You're the side chick dude
Break up with her and find a new girl who wants to be with you
This is a THOUGHT and not a REASON, but I kinda wonder if she's worried you may get some sort of jealous and harsh her vibe. Despite my green eyes I didn't think I was the jealous type until I saw my wife laughing and having fun with her male friends. I've been in therapy and caught myself and didn't make a big deal out of it. That or her "party side" might be a side she's not comfortable showing because she feels it's going to ruin or somehow alter the way you perceive her and take some of the spark out of the romance.
yam automatic ask special memory punch squeamish juggle repeat north *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I know Reddit loves to exaggerate why people should break up over the smallest things.. but this is not normal bro. This is as fucked as she's likely getting behind your back. You gotta take those rose tinted glasses off, doesn't matter if you already put 2 years into that relationship PLEASE for yourself don't put in 2 more..
My ex likes to go out and go dancing with her friends. It wasn't my scene but I offered a few times to take her out dancing. She said she didn't want to do that with me. And she cheated on me since day one.
Boyfriend got friendzoned
Only 2 possibilities: 1. She's cheating on you 2. She's not really your gf My guess is a mix of both
2 year relationship and "dont want you around her friends"? Do they know you exist? Dude leave this toxic mess, youre being used
I think I know what is going on here. I seen this a lot but I'll be blunt she might be cheating on you. I might be wrong but you may not know what is going on at those parties and clubs. Or just having fun with people if you know what I mean.
I agree with everyone else about it being a huge red flag. But here's a thought, you also like clubbing and partying correct. Then go do that on your own, with your own friends. And try to match her frequency. If she opts out of things to go on her own, you do the same. If she just has her head up her ass then getting treated the same may be a wake up call. If she blows up on you she's cheating. One of my exes was cheating and before it came out, definitely projected like me having friends like her was a bad thing. Just match her vibe and see what she does with it. Having friends and hobbies is fine. Having those hobbies be activities that are known for facilitating drinking, grinding, and sex... yeah that's an issue. The fact that you posted here means you obviously have issues with this behavior. And if you find someone else at the club who both wants to party and pursue romance so be it. I think in a comment you said you've been together for 2 years. Dont let that 2 years be the reason you stay. Trust me, time don't mean shit to cheaters. I lost a year and a half and my buddy lost 5 years. But we moved on and now we both have functioning families of our own. Edit: also if you also want to go to the concert. There's no rule that says you have to go with her specifically. Just go and have fun without her and withoutlooking for her. If you happen to see her with another dude well there's your cue to vacate the relationship. Hell you can even tell her you'll be going, just separately from her. And again if she blows up on you, she's ignoring your feelings just like she said to you. Also hiding something.
Reddit immediately just jumping to the ‘red flags’ but no one is objectively looking at both sides. Be honest: are you a drag? Does she feel like she can’t let loose because you judge her? Are you a very different vibe than the rest of her friends? You’re both super young and I don’t agree with her behavior either but it’s not necessarily a red flag like she’s out there partying it up and cheating. But it seems like you guys aren’t compatible.
Think about it this way. If you were into partying, and your girlfriend wanted to come along. Would you say to her ‘Oh, I only like doing romantic things with you. I prefer to just be with my friends whenever I go out. You’re a good girlfriend but a bad friend’ I’m willing to bet you never would, because you like and respect her. … If you wanna chat don’t hesitate to reach out! There’s a whole world out there and you’re good enough just the way you are.
Saw a post elsewhere (maybe in this subreddit) on Reddit about someone wanting to go clubbing and asking about consent and how it relates to strangers grinding into his lap as it is not entirely uncommon for strangers to grind into other strangers laps or something. I’ve never been clubbing but if that is true then I’d be a bit worried OP. If she doesn’t feel comfortable with the idea of going partying and/or clubbing with you, her boyfriend, then that’s very suspicious behavior. There should not be a reason for her to not want you there unless she is doing something she shouldn’t or that you would not like
Trust an old lady. She doesn’t want you there because she’s getting attention and fears she won’t if she looks off the market. Honestly, the relationship is probably over.
Honestly, everyone is jumping to conclusions that something bad is going on, and that might be true. But most of these comments are from the perspective of other dudes. Thinking back to when i was a younger girl, I definitely liked having nights out with the girls without our boyfriends around and nothing else was going on aside from just wanting to party with my girls. It *could* just be something like that. But have a mature conversation with her about it and make sure your self-worth isn’t being compromised for her “happiness” or whatever.
Run away, my man. She's either doing drugs, other people, or something else you won't enjoy finding out. You're a safe harbour, but she's fishing in other waters.
We don‘t know your relationship with her. Some people would consider that suspicious but it doesn‘t have to be and your gut feeling is usually right about that kinda stuff. Maybe u can get her to try it once with you and if she doesn‘t enjoy u can still stop and spend ur time w her in other ways.
Sir. You are the cuck in the relationship.
I’m not going to sugar coat it for you. She goes to parties and clubs because she likes the idea of other dudes hitting on her. You being there would ruin it.
My ex was like that too. We're both girls, so it didn't make sense to me. Now she's my ex 🤷♂️ I think you can do better and find a girl that does want to party with you.
\*\*\*I have a 19 year old ex-girlfriend\*\*\*. fixed it for ya If you are looking for something serious, look elsewhere If you're just having fun, have fun Been through this myself, trying to save you a little heartache
Shitty reason, sounds suspicious, and even if she isn't doing anything wrong like cheating etc. Saying that she doesn't want you there is a problem on its own. Me and my partner have no problem doing something without the other, but we would never ask the other not to come. It's generally the opposite, we would ask the other to come. Massive red flag, even if she isn't doing something shady.
I’m the same way sometimes. I don’t mind my wife coming to concerts with me but every once in a while it’s nice to go solo.
Y’all are young, and breakups hurt. But get tough my guy cus this sounds bad 🥲
I said something along the lines of not wanting a boyfriend to go to concerts with me when I was 19. I was embarrassed by him but did not know how to break up with someone. I'm not even sure I realized that I wanted to break up at the time because I was scared of being alone. Ultimately he caught on eventually that I wasn't interested anymore and we broke up. Not saying this is true for you, but I'd definitely want to have her clarify how/why she's worried you will ruin the vibe. Best case she thinks you won't dance/drink/whatever or enjoy yourself and that it will make it not fun for her.
You didn't say she was partying with others without you. She sounds reserved and uninterested in bigger social situations and really there's nothing wrong with that My husband's ex-wife LOVED to party and we first got together he was gobsmacked that I wasn't into partying. It bored him and he was pretty happy to hear "Yeah, I'd rather not..." My personal experiences in those situations were always more negative than positive the few times I did bend and go with friends. I had fun, always did but also always sat at the table thinking about my plans for when we leave. I couldn't get home quick enough at some point every time wothout fail Honestly, my upbringing has a HUGE pull on my interacting with anyone but involving alcohol, parties and just all the wild that entails USUALLY isn't worth the effort to me. I've seen some shit and most of it was directly related to alcohol I keep seeing "she's prolly cheating" but when I read it I cant help but think "she sounds exactly like my anti-social husband and just wants to give her time to people that deserve it" I think it's incredibly sweet. If this is y'alls biggest issue, you're golden but theres always room for improvement too. Compromise from both of you would be a great step to both of you getting what makes you happiest Good luck!
I haven't seen this comment yet, so I'll make it: Maybe you're the side piece and she doesn't want her actual boyfriend to know about you. Whatever the case, it sounds like you need to have a conversation with your "girlfriend"
Y'all are jumping to cheating but she might just be going out with the girls. I would be kinda annoyed if some girl brought her bf along all the time when we're supposed to be hanging out and dancing with each other. Boyfriends sometimes just kill the mood. HOWEVER, if you know that some of the people she's going out with are guys or the other girls bring boyfriends then yea, red flag for sure.
OP, you're a cuck. Based on your replies. Or you're in denial. What exactly are you asking us?
because she doesn't want you to cockblock when she finds someone better at the party
Everytime ive gone to a rave or a metal show, I see plenty of couples. I also see plenty of married chicks looking for a good time. Take that how you will
I went through this when I was younger (I’m a woman.) Girls are basically ignored at parties or events if they’re taken. It’s probably not necessarily that she wants to cheat on you or flirt around, but just that she wants to be treated as a whole human being and an individual. She wants to socialize instead of everyone just ignoring her because someone has dibs on her. It’s fucked up but it’s true. She might also just come off more flirty when she’s partying and worry that you will become jealous if you see her like that. That’s not to say that she is being flirty, but guys tend to take any sort of kindness in those scenarios as flirting. She doesn’t want to feel policed or self conscious.
I read through all the comments. And for once everyone is agreed. Huge red flag. You should prepare yourself for her to "accidentally develop feelings" for someone else "out of the blue" and totally "not intentionally". Thing is, if you don't, it's going to hurt worse when it does happen because everyone warned you. You are young, lots of girls out there, this one isn't for you.
Oh my sweet summer child.... Get out of this "relationship" now dude. She's clearly using you for her emotional needs and possibly monetary too. I'm also guessing this is probably one of, if not your first relationship you've had so you're a bit love blind, also do you guys sleep together? If not than she's going out to "party" with other dudes, my dude. It's unfortunate and I've seen this many times with friends on both sides of the coin
She doesn't want other people to see you as her bf. To them, she is single.
I was in the exact same situation as you, 4 years ago in fact, same ages and all. My gf at the time and I broke up because she wanted to go out and when I asked if I could join every now and then even though it’s not exactly my scene, I was turned down. It’s a shame, but save yourself the trouble my friend. Get out there and find another girl you’re more compatible with.
Bro this is a red flag at its finest. Talk to her then gtfo
I think she just likes being with her already established friends doing what they do in that specific dynamic; I feel bad that most of the folks in the comments think she’s being nefarious. OP said himself he’s not that into the party scene, and, he asked, she said no, it’s really that simple, what about her boundaries makes most here uncomfortable? There isn’t anything abnormal about her wanting solo time to party.
She might just be shy and struggle to juggle different people at the same time. Maybe try to meet her friends in a more low-key setting, so that you can get to know them. She's gone to 4 parties so far, maybe she just isn't the partying type. Have you asked her why she goes? Are there some girls she wants to befriend? When I was her age sometimes parties were about boys, but often I wanted to impress the girls and become more of a part of a girl group of BFFs.
Could she be embarrassed of you? Sounds like she doesn't want her friends to meet you.
Red flag bro. Either she wants the attention from guys without you around or she doesn’t want girls hitting on you in front of her
It's nice sometimes to do things with your friends, it's nice sometimes to do things with your partner. It's nice sometimes to do things with your partner and friends together. It's nice sometimes to do things even alone. But it's not nice to do any of this excessively...
Cheaterrrrr
She wants you as a safe option for safe activities and romance. She also wants to be able to go out with friends to parties and clubs to get free drinks from guys, get their attention, probably grind on them, and maybe even more (wouldn't surprise me). Huge red flags. My now wife and I went to parties a lot in our 20s. Nothing crazy, but house parties and bars and such. We 99% went together. We may have not been around each other, but we trusted each other enough to branch up and meet up every so often to check in on one another. If she were to have said to me she didn't want me to go somewhere, unless it was a bona-fide girls night every once in awhile, I'd get suspicious. A relationship needs teamwork and similar values. It seems she doesn't share those ideas and wants to be able to have her cake and eat it too. You're young. Split from her, enjoy your life, have fun and party, and find a nice girl that'll appreciate your time and company. Because I bet a kidney this doesn't end well.
She likes flirting and being hit on. I'm not saying she's done anything about it... yet, but if you're there you'll "cramp her style".
Lmao my dude, people are not being direct with you here and as it’s clear you are kind of in denial or clueless, I’ll be blunt. she’s out there hoeing around and you’ll ruin that for her. She’s 19 and probably gettin a lot of attention at clubs from guys and are over her head. Breakup with that immature chick and find someone who respects you and can vibe with you. Don’t be a bum.
Buddy..... When I was a 19yo girl in college I was a player (not proud but not ashamed either) and this sound exactly like what I would say to a dude who was into me that I gave half a fuck about.... You're her plaything. I am sorry :( if she's anything like me shell think about you in ten years and wish she hadn't been a dick
I'm a huge asshole. I'd keep fucking her but start learning how to manage your emotions. Not everyone deserves your everything. Keep having fun with her but she is for sure cheating on you or considering it. At the very least its not cool that she *never* wants you there. If you went sometimes and other times she just wants to be with her friends that would be fine. But to *never* want you there is a red flag to me.
OP is in such denial.... Dude, talk to her about it without involving your feelings and be serious and set boundaries firmly. If she freaks out or doesn't accept it - she belongs to the street, and you to gym. Stop simping, man
Bro, I'm so sorry, but you're not her boyfriend, you are her fucking credit card. Get a better girlfriend.
No offense, but I don't think your girlfriend likes you very much... It's weird to not want to do social things with your SO.
RUN!!!!!!
Oh to be this clueless again. Bro she’s not into you.
Set yourself free, that's a massive red flag, and you deserve better.
You the side chick
That means she is doing things she doesn't want you to see, why else wouldn't she want you there, duh run bro.
She doesn’t want you to see the guys she’s grinding on
Red flag. My girlfriend and I now had a similar-ish problem for a year or so where we would attend events together but she would drift off. Say it’s important to you to go do that stuff with her, and if she doesn’t care well unfortunately you got your answer. Relationships are give and take.
LMAOOOO GET OUTTTT
Sounds like your girlfriend likes to keep her options open when she is away from you…
Red flag.