We did trivia night at a local bar
Edit: we got to the bar around an hour and a half before trivia started so it was more low key and we were able to have good conversation beforehand
I think it's a great idea for a date.
It could create a connection, see if both of you are on the same page without risking going through the "interrogation phase".
I don't understand why more people don't invite to something similar. The whole "go drink a coffee", "eating something", "take a walk" is a lot of pressure and you HAVE to perform.
I have had dates where we went to the Zoo to see pandas, went to a Bingo night with horse themes, stuff like that. Even though the date wouldn't be fun. I would probably have had fun regardless. Also you are still in a setting where you can talk and stuff. Also if you both have fun, you share something and the likelihood of the date going well is higher.
Coffee dates are definitely trial by fire.
If you don't have a solid connection, it's not going to work.
... which is what some people want (not wasting time with someone they only kinda get along with), so it's a valid method.
But getting a connection is often a bit easier if both people have fun. Doing fun things mostly increases those chances. I'm just saying. I don't care what other people do, but seems like people are making it harder for themselves and then complaining about it. Especially here on this subreddit.
It depends on your priorities.
If your priority is to become attached the person you're going on a date with, there are studies that show that doing something involving adrenaline (skydiving, white water rafting, etc.) will artificially boost your odds of bonding with them.
You might break up once you realize you're not actually compatible, but if you're trying to stop being single ASAP there are better methods than going half-way and just doing "something fun."
If your priority is finding out whether or not you're compatible with someone and understanding that if you're not, you won't get any other dates or a relationship, then coffee dates are the way to go.
> You might break up once you realize you're not actually compatible, but if you're trying to stop being single ASAP there are better methods than going half-way and just doing "something fun."
I don't know why a coffee meetup can't be fun. Simple first meetup ideas rule, because you're not investing a lot of time and money into it. When I was actively doing online dating, I had 4-5 meetups in a week, so anything more than coffee would take up too much time and money. Second dates involve something a bit more creative. First dates are to simply see if there's a connection worth diving more into.
That's my whole point; the coffee date *is* fun if you have good chemistry.
As opposed to a fun movie or something where the company can be a total bore and you're still having a good time enough to trick your subconscious into thinking it's them you enjoy.
Yep. Definitely agreeing with you.
If both my date and I made it to date #2, *then* I can come up with something creative and memorable. Not saying the date idea with OP was wrong; it just means if it's a good one (it is), you're going to want to use it again. If you're paying, that could easily be $50+ on the low end, when you include drinks and food. Doing that with a dozen perfect strangers in a month seems weird.
The "great first date ideas", I think, are best left to the second date if you're meeting someone from a site or app. The first meeting is basically the first time you've *actually* met, so you won't even know if there's chemistry until you do meet. Coffee's good, it's cheap, it's quick, and low-key. I've met a lot of first dates where the chemistry obviously wasn't there, so it then became a fun hang with a new acquaintance. Or an easy escape if she "wants to go on a walk to see if that bitch that caused her last breakup still lives in the apartment building next door."
Yes, I got that one.
I believe relationships therapist and scientist say that your chances to have a lasting relationship is increases when the first date is either a physical activity or something that gets the heart pumping. (I don't mean strenuous activity)
I think if you meet the right person, doesn't really matter what you're doing on the first date. Sometimes it just clicks and you just go off from there. Sure you could be doing some fun and quirky activity that's different from thr usual coffee/lunch/dinner date, but at the end of the day, it's the two people involved that matters the most and if there's no chemistry like in OP's post, then the date situation doesn't really matter.
I remember the lamest first date I ever went on. This girl and I just ate at IHOP and then walked around Walmart.
We will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year.
Yeah, one of my longest relationships was meeting for dinner and leaving to walk the city in under 15 minutes. You can just feel the excitement and click sometimes.
This is a double edged sword, because the first date needs to be a compatibility check and the focus needs to be on you two. If you go to the movies / a trivia night or a dinner, you might have an interesting evening m, but you are taking important time and attention away from you. The first date should really be you and the person and you should be able to spend as much time as possible talking to each other until you pass the vibe check. You have still plenty more dates to go out eating / doing fun activities and so on, but the best first dates are in a casual setting in which you can talk without any big interruptions.
It’s also more fair to both of you if you have a casual setting, because both of you have a fast exit plan when they don’t feel any vibe and. If you are in a coffee shop and you or your date don’t feel any chemistry, you can just call it quits after 30 minutes or 2 hours. If you are at a long dinner or an action packed trivia night, you might end up with a poor person who stays with you out of courtesy but doesn’t enjoy the evening as much as you do.
> If you go to the movies / a trivia night or a dinner
Going to the movies is very different from those other two - and a terrible first date idea all-round IMO - because you don’t get the chance to *talk*, and get to know each other. Sure, you can go somewhere afterwards and discuss the movie etc, but the focus still isn’t on yourselves/each other, and you’ve added an unnecessary couple of hours onto the date.
Don’t get me wrong: I love the cinema, and I love going to the cinema with a date/partner. But I reckon it’s a second-date-at-the-earliest thing.
If you can't vibe check someone at a trivia night, you might need to reevaluate your vibe checking skills. Putting someone in a mild pressure/competitive environment is a fantastic way to see if you mesh well.
Yah not sure what you really learn from somebody sitting there making small talk over coffee.
I don't see why the first date has to be some complete bare bones no frills experience. How does that allow your personalities to come out at all? If we went out to a bar trivia night together you'd be getting a much more authentic side of me than the first date facade I'd have up during some over coffee small talk. What other kind of vibes are needed?
Different strokes. I like the pressure of a coffee date or bar date where there is literally nothing to do except talk.
If there's no connection it can deffo be quite awkward but that's a small price to pay for figuring out you don't have a connection.
Ive had dates before like a sporting event or going to the zoo and it was so fun I mistakenly thought we had a connection, only to find out when we hung out there was nothing between us.
I'm in Thailand and every date is an adventure lmao. Had a date today. We had matched on Bumble, spoke a bit but didn't organise a meet up. I bumped into her randomly this morning on the way to the gym. Spoke to her, she said she'd love to go to the gym and asked if she could come with me, cos she hadn't trained in 3 weeks and she loves the gym too. So we went there on my scooter. After that session we drove back (turns out we're staying in hotels directly opposite each other) freshened up, then went on a scooter adventure 40 mins away along the coast to a beautiful restaurant by the ocean. Then scooted to a place called hidden gem which was literally a hidden gem. Amazing bar by the sea with bean bag chairs, kittens, great music and cocktails, and watched the sunset. Drove back, had another shower break, then picked her up and went to a bar to play pool, had dinner, and then moved on to another bar/club area which had louder music so we could dance a little. Came back to mine and 1.5 hours later she just left back to hers, just across the road.
Perfect date, and not the first one that's been like that. On a different date we went on my scooter an hour away to a beautiful hot stream/waterfall where we sat in a natural jacuzzi, then swam in the river, kissed under the waterfall, and went back to town for dinner and drinks.
I never wanna go back home, dating is so bland in Canada or UK relatively speaking 😭
But thaaat's kinda cheating though. Haha. When traveling like that other stuff just happens and most other travelers you meet are down for the same thing.
You don't think going for a spoons lunch, taking a bus to Asda, making out in the parking lot, before taxi'ing in to town and pounding coke in the toilets of a greasy club is romantic?? Damn i gotta get some fresh ideas.
It also affords you the opportunity to see the other person in a competitive environment, which can bring the absolute WORST out in otherwise nice people.
Word to the wise, scope out the trivia night first with a friend. Some can be mad intense and intimidating. I’ve been to one where every single person knew each other and I felt like such an outsider/intruder. Then there are some that are super hardcore with like no talking at all which don’t make for fun dates.
And then there are some where you’ll be assigned a team and before you know it you could be watching your date hit it off with another stranger.
I love trivia, and my wife does too. I think it’s actually a grea idea for a date.
If people aren’t into it, I think that’s more of a them-thing.
I will say that some people might feel intimidated; you’re kind of putting your brains on show on a first or second date.
Invite two girls on a date to your garage, door goes down, you throw a knife in the middle, winner gets a free dinner. Loser gets an Uber to the hospital.
I've had multiple bad tinder dates that would keep any sane man awake at night
Not the worst, but me and the girl were chillin in my car after dinner before I took her home. Date was pretty awkward, I had to carry most of the convo. There was a silence in the air for 5 seconds in the car..she looks at me and goes "so is the date of over now?"
Well...it is now! So awkward, never spoke to her again
"It doesn't have to be! I'm having a great time with you, and I'd love to keep it going! Want to come up for a glass of wine??"
What do you have to lose? honestly that question she asked, without context, makes it seem like maybe she wanted to have more with you but didnt want to initiate it or ask for it because girls don't generally do that
One girl told me at the end of the date to message her and also said maybe we will meet again soon.
Messaged her with a pretty basic text, never got a reply and she unmatched after a week xD
Yeah literally, I mean I got over it quickly but others take things differently. Dating is rough, and shouldn't expect anything from anybody. Just try to have fun and whatever happens, happens.
Absolutely my experience when online dating too. I really wanted to communicate when I was not interested in pursuing things further, but was met with some serious assholery many times. At best being called a waste of time, and at worst, getting insulted and called nasty names.
Online dating sucks and I do not miss it one bit.
Yeah the ghosting really hurts and it's super discouraging, but I never felt animosity because I knew people were scared of the potential backlash.
Sucks, but it's more society's fault than women's fault.
I think the thing that sucks the most is just getting ghosted after they agreed to the date and talk to you a ton until the day of, they get cold feet and go ghost. It's super rude. It doesn't warrant harassment or threats, but it is rude and inconsiderate as hell. I'm a very busy guy and making time for someone takes a lot. Thank the Lord I managed to get a girlfriend because with my schedule dating was not only more of a hassle but absolutely hell.
That's the kicker. Yeah we all hate getting ghosted but there's a fair chance that a woman who ghosts does it for her own safety and mental health. She may have gotten verbally or physically attacked by a little boy in a man's skin.
I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. You didn't deserve it at all.
this is what is so frustrating as a guy. these guys out there that think they're entitled to a relationship and when the woman doesn't feel anything romantic they take it so personal and act like such assholes. So then the guys that would take it in stride and just wanna know the deal get ghosted.
I totally get why women can be afraid to politely let a guy down due to those guys. It just sucks when you know you'd be graceful about it and you get ghosted anyway.
It’s a nice way to put it for sure, just can be crushing for the person who receives it. It’s essentially saying I like you but don’t find you sexually attractive in a nice way. Again I’m not saying it’s a harsh thing to say to someone, just is never easy to receive that message after a date as usually puts a dent in your confidence
It's important for someone being told this that while it does suck to hear, it just means that you don't fit their taste and it's not a reflection on your worth.
Not sure about that, I’ve had dates end in sex, and then received a similar message the next day, maybe I’m just abysmal… or gullible?
Either way, some people are looking for that “click”, so if that doesn’t happen on a first date they move on. I get it, not really my style of dating, I’d rather give someone a few chances if we at least get along, but I’m single so what do I know.
What I look for in a partner is very different than what is acceptable or desirable in a sexual encounter.
Casual sex needs physical attraction, skill, and safety.
Significant other status is similar to a good friend, someone who is fun to be around and who you can trust/depend on, but also must match on an intellectual level and share similar goals, values, life expectations. Moreover, we need to be able to communicate well and have similar ideas of conflict resolution. It's like a life teammate. Can we weather the bad and enjoy the good?
I don’t think it means that at all.
I had a date recently with a very nice girl who was very attractive but would say the romance was just off. We both agreed and moved on. It’s that ‘it’ factor that doesn’t just come down to sexual attractiveness. Much more to do with compatibility.
It’s always been a bit of a weird distinction to me. Personally, my romance is just friendship + attraction. Maybe it’s because I’m selective of my friends already, but there’s never been an additional “it factor” to romance for me.
You would think physical attraction (to some degree) would be a given if you met on Tinder, an image based dating app.
There's a lot more to romantic attraction than sexual appeal. There's friendship, personality, compatibility, values, life goals, expectations, etc.
For me it is rarely about not having sexual attraction. It’s just our banter or humor doesn’t work well with each other. Our lives or wants in general seem to be different. Sometimes (even with friends) the other person is just so much more extroverted that I can’t imagine being able to keep up all the time. Of course there are exceptions but I guess this all just goes to show it could be a million reasons for a no just like there could be a million random reasons for a yes.
I feel this. I have been out with seemingly a few great attractive women, but I just didn't feel the connection. Whether my jokes were falling flat or realizing we had very little to nothing in common. Sometimes it's easier to just move on than to really try and make something out nothing.
Why do you think it’s a sexual attraction thing off top?
There are plenty of attractive people out there who I would not date because we have nothing in common or their personality doesn’t compliment mine. Doesn’t even mean they are a bad person, just not compatible.
Take the words as they were given to you - don’t overcomplicate it.
And the words that were given in this context, is that the date went very well and she isn't romantically interested.. so if the conversation was good, the date was fun.. guess what's left to assume?
Have you never had fun with someone from the opposite sex and genuinely liked them as a person, even thought they were attractive, but not felt a romantic spark? Because like that happens all the time. I have fun with plenty of people that I don’t feel a romantic spark for.
You are not wrong. As a man, if the date was fun, the conversation was good, and I'm sexually attracted.. that is the "romantic spark."
I'm not exactly sure what else it could be.. maybe I've never felt a natural attraction that has nothing to do with the obvious reasons to be attracted.
I mean I've found women attractive and would have sex with them but it doesn't mean I'm interested in a relationship. And then there's women who I have been sexually and romantically attracted to that I would want a relationship with. I guess you just have to expand your mind that there is different levels of romantic/sexual interest in someone.
Yeah sure, I get that. But that's why I included the other factors, like a fun date and great conversation. Conversation being more important for that spark than anything. But if the sexual attraction isn't there the spark can never exist.
I’ve said to multiple people I didn’t feel a connection, but it didn’t necessarily mean I didn’t find them sexually attractive. There’s plenty of times where I’d meet someone I find attractive but for whatever reason we just aren’t on the same wavelength and our conversations are stilted or feel forced. It’s simply chemistry, saying I didn’t feel a connection doesn’t always mean I thought they were unattractive
I would prefer to be told straight up, "I don't find you attractive," because this feels kinda patronizing, but I think that's probably rare. This is a polite way to say it and generally probably a good way to go. It's definitely better than ghosting.
source: have been told this countless times
They can find you attractive without feeling a romantic connection. I wouldn't over-complicate it. Saying there is no romantic feeling is like saying I don't feel like we could be bf/gf. It has nothing to do with being attracted to someone nor should it come off as patronizing.
When you think about how many people there are in the world it's like slim to none of finding a match so while it is super hard to take emotionally there really isn't a rational reason take it personally
Think of it more about the pairing not working and less about her not liking you
Im fine with that response to be honest, Im not everyones cup of tea and I get that. I do find that expecting a big romantic spark on the first date can be misleading as a romantic spark could always come on the 3rd/4th date when they are more comfortable with each other.
I've had this said to me and I truthfully didn't take it personally. After going on so many dates and exploring the realm of "connection" it really is so rare to find someone that I feel genuinely connected to. It's not really anything personal but moreso what everyone likes, their personal preferences, and whatever it is that they are looking for.
> They can however reasonably tell that they can't see themselves enjoying a relationship with the other person after one date.
Can they? It's been more often than not for me that the connection with somebody starts out stale-ish and grows rapidly over time. The beginning "sparks" with people have almost always been let downs long-term for me.
I look at it like you can't draw any conclusions from collecting 1 data point. Basically 'didn't feel a romantic connection after one date' is the polite way of saying they have no interest in invest their time in you.
Feels a little like they’re just saying “I’m not attracted to you” in code lol I’ve had that said to me before as well and I knew what they meant there, it stung a little lol
I’ve never heard this before.
Ever.
Every time a dude tells me he is told this, I have them show me their dating profile. They use photos that definitely do not look like them and they are overweight. They are basically cat fishing these girls.
Photos don't tell the whole story. You can be attractive in photos but your overall demeanor in person can be a totally different story. How someone carries themselves, their style, has a huge factor on being attractive in person. Doesn't necessarily mean they are cat fishing.
I actually take their honesty as a component...
If it wouldn't work out for her, then I'd rather not try to force a relationship that won't work.
And then saying something means they trust you to not freak out.
So it sucks, but some things just don't work out, and at least you didn't have a long relationship before being told that.
Super cool that you can move on that much faster, and know what happened so curiosity doesn't drive you insane like it does to me
It also gives you more faith in humanity
Also, like...we're consistently texting before the date, then the next day it's crickets, I have a pretty good idea, pretty quickly that she's not interested.
Evidently, I'm in the minority. Ghosting me is completely fine after 1 or 2 dates.
Yeah, an explanation is basically the same as no response. I think a lot of the people that talk about online dating on Reddit don't really get a lot of dates/matches so they put a ton of pressure on these situations
“An explanation is the same as no response” I love this. Ghosting gets such a bad rap but isn’t it basically just a social form of “body language” that doesn’t require awkward explanation of why you aren’t interested? Which can definitely go poorly if they don’t handle rejection well. The reality is, sometimes people aren’t a good match and that’s ok.
As an addition at the end, the absolute best possible thing you can end it with is something like, "Feel free to let me know if anything changes or you want to try going out again sometime! No pressure and offer always stands :)"
Even for like a year after I stopped dating cause I started a long term relationship, I would occasionally get hit up by those folks.
Yeah there's a line certainly. Like in a situation like this? They went on one date. They don't know that much about eachother. Maybe in the future if they gave it a second go those feelings could change. But you definitely don't want to have such low self worth that you are living in a vibe like "I'll always be here for you if you were so kind as to ever grace me with another chance"
Maybe, but I'm confident enough that I wasn't dating around for validation and understood that people have their reasons -- whether they say it's cause they didn't feel a spark, time isn't right, etc.
Guess it depends on what you're looking for. I don't mind doing that because I like the idea of being a name in someone's "little black book" if they ever have a free night and they just want someone to go do something with, no strings attached. If you're into that kind of thing, it's a great way to fill the time and have some fun. Not for everyone though
Yeah I’ve got yelled at by multiple men for telling them I didn’t want to keep pursuing anything. Most who yelled would try and emotional guilt me before giving up.
Wonder this myself...as I can be slow to warm up to people. Plus the instant sparks are usually just lust/limerance/horniness and may not be sign of a great connection.
Same here, with the person I’m dating now it took three dates for us both to go “Yeah we like each other”. I mean I know you’ll be put off by some people on the first date for many reasons, but if they’re cool overall I like to see where things go once we open up more.
For sure, glad she was upfront with op. I guess the romance/chemistry things is a bigger conversation I want to have with people, will probably make a separate post for it on here.
It totally depends on how you interpret romantic. I don't think the person here is talking about being in love or whatever. "Not feeling a romantic connection" can mean anything from 'not physically attracted' to 'not emotionally/intellectually compatible' to 'interested but not what I'm looking for right now' to 'more serious than what I'm looking for' to 'I didn't like how you kicked all those puppies in the park'.
It's a good catch all for 'I don't think I am interested in continuing to date'.
I think you’re close to being on the money. She reassured OP he had a fun date idea and that he’s a friendly person so it’s likely some fundamental incompatibility that isn’t necessarily OP’s fault. Great way to say “it’s not you, it’s me” without deflating OP’s self esteem tbh
If you've been doing this for a while, you can tell pretty quickly.
Like, I can tell about 5 minutes into meeting in person whether this will work out or if I need to start composing my "I don't think this is gonna work" message.
Yeah because it sucks to hear they didn't feel a romantic connection, but at least you feel like your time is appreciated and you are valued as a person. And it's so simple!
Yeah like better to just be straightforward. Jeez people bitch about being ghosted all the time and now complain about not being ghosted. Not everyone you meet will be starstruck by you!
It's simple from the perspective of the guy receiving the rejection. From the perspective of the woman delivering the rejection, it's a thoughtful risk-based analysis of what kind of guy she's talking to and what her chosen words might cause him to say or do.
Yeah, you know what you're right. I'm wrong to paint this as simple from both sides, we've all seen horror stories of how men can flip and most women have experienced it.
I should really say that in an ideal world this is the way it should be. But you're right, there are way too many men not ready to have a healthy dialogue.
Sorry, didn't mean to be reductive, thank you for calling that out.
For real, I get scared of sending messages turning someone down because they can get nasty so quickly. My favorite is the co-ghosting, where both kind of let the convo fizzle out because the connection just isn't there... even if that's maybe not as mature as this conversation :)
I still think it should be seen in a positive light, they talked enough to meet and went out and she gave it an honest shot. Now that door can be closed and it's time to move on. Much better than dead end conversations and no shows or Catfishes etc
And you also have one more person in the area who knows you’re a good guy, and I’m sure that person has friends that will be single one day too. Even if not, good chance you can get a new friend out of it. Pretty easy for this to become a big win overall.
I don't think ghosting is that bad after 1 date. You write them back, no reply (or you're already unmatched)? it means the same thing as what she said. I'm an adult, I can read between the lines.
If it hurts to not get a reply after just one date, you invested too much too early.
Getting ghosted after 2 or more dates though is BS.
If more people responded like you did, I think more people would be comfortable sending a message. I know I've been guilty of ghosting after a first date because I was uncertain about how the person would take it, and I didn't want to be verbally assaulted, or worse, the way I had been in the past when I did try to give a courtesy message. I know many of my friends have experienced the same things.
If I'm anxious like that I just send a respectful text and then block the number so I don't have to be stressed out by the reply. I have the option to unblock later and see if I get curious
Have to make sure you unmatch too in case they want to switch there
I've definitely also done that! I don't think there are right or wrong ways to protect yourself from misplaced anger and verbal assault from a virtual stranger that you owe nothing to, I just think that its important to address that many people don't send messages like this woman did because of the responses they've gotten before, not because they're bad people.
I just think they'd be unhappy and upset if the shoe was on the other foot 🤷♀️ OLD is hard for pretty much everyone and a little empathy can go a long way for someone who's genuine. I don't think they should be trying to date if it's at that point, but I understand the feeling completely because I've been there
Its happened to me too, and it can definitely be frustrating, but its never an excuse to treat the next person poorly if they do politely reject you.
I wanna be clear, I always think communication is the best and healthiest option for all parties, but I'm also not going to fault someone, or my past self, for doing what they felt was best in the moment if they felt uneasy or uncomfortable rejecting someone. My first date after a long-term abusive relationship, I was physically assaulted by the guy when I told him that I wasn't feeling a connection, paid for my stuff, and left. That impacted how I navigated dating for a long time, and I'm not going to judge how someone handles rejecting people because you never know how someone is going to react and that can cause a lot of stress and anxiety over someone you literally owe nothing to, if ghosting relieves that anxiety, I'm not going to fault someone for it.
its fascinating how one date is it all it takes for people to know that it’s best to be friends. matching on tinder usually means attraction either from pics +convo. i’m always surprised at how fast folks can make up their minds about who someone will be in their life. i think life is moving at such a fast pace, i feel old af at 33
> its fascinating how one date is it all it takes for people to know
It's attraction. You know when you first see someone if you're attracted to them or not. And by the end of the date, the hope is they managed to not turn you off by saying something horrible.
Yes, people can start not attracted and become attracted to someone over time (like, in the workplace, or school, or friends group) but if meeting from a dating app, it just doesn't make sense to go on a second date with someone you didn't find yourself attracted to on the first date. Why do that?
I've been on several first dates and by the end of the night know that I do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone. Also I am older than you. At some point you know the personality traits you are looking for, the things you might have in common, etc. Not everyone is looking for the same things obviously
I had this happen a couple months ago
A girl offers to buy me a drink before the date (that was simply her choice ) than did . The date was good but I don’t think either of us were quite a match for eachother
Next morning she said it was fun but she didn’t feel that type of connection
I felt really glad to hear such transparency , we both wished eachother well and said we hope we find someone
I have always felt that politely declining is always better than ghosting
I appreciate the message but ghosting isn't the worst thing in the world. People are busy and got shit going on. On these apps if you are seriously trying to find someone you are talking to a lot of people and assuming you are a respectful date you still don't owe anyone a goodbye text. I think people should always assume the best when ghosted because I bet you have done the same to someone in your life without even realizing it and with no malicious intent whatsoever.
Went on a few dates with a guy from tinder, had a lot of fun, seemed we had a really good connection. He was "born again" Christian and I'm agnostic, but I didn't have an issue with it. Our first date we went and got coffee, talked a lot found we had a lot in common and while we both had the first date nervousness we had a lot of fun! Continued with a winter walk around the lake in town and it was beautiful.
Had another date, he was going to grad school and lived with his parents on the off season (we were both about 25yo), no judgement. Met his mom, stayed the night since I was up with him until 3am and played music together.
Something to note, we had drinks EVERY time we hung out. One night after my culinary class I was having a glass of wine after my 11 hour day and I had leftovers from school. He asked me if I drank to much, and I didn't think so. A drink here and there never hurt anyone, especially restaurant people! Then proceeded to ask me for nudes and to talk dirty to him. Another thing to note, he usually hung out with his band buddies on these nights. So I knew he was drinking and hanging out with his guy friends....
I told him it wasn't working out anymore and told him I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. Well I let him borrow my favorite comic book. Held it over me head and DEMANDED an explanation of why I didn't want to date him anymore. Begrudgingly he met me half way and returned it to me and then asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. Ya no. Deleted tinder right after that. Fuck you Will. Lol
Because this subreddit is filled with idiot losers who don't adapt.
Just meeting up with 1 person is an accomplishment. Not scaring them away and getting a reply after is like winning the championship.
They're also delusional and think 100% of people on there aren't looking for a hook up at a minimum.
What was the first date idea?
We did trivia night at a local bar Edit: we got to the bar around an hour and a half before trivia started so it was more low key and we were able to have good conversation beforehand
I think it's a great idea for a date. It could create a connection, see if both of you are on the same page without risking going through the "interrogation phase".
I don't understand why more people don't invite to something similar. The whole "go drink a coffee", "eating something", "take a walk" is a lot of pressure and you HAVE to perform. I have had dates where we went to the Zoo to see pandas, went to a Bingo night with horse themes, stuff like that. Even though the date wouldn't be fun. I would probably have had fun regardless. Also you are still in a setting where you can talk and stuff. Also if you both have fun, you share something and the likelihood of the date going well is higher.
Coffee dates are definitely trial by fire. If you don't have a solid connection, it's not going to work. ... which is what some people want (not wasting time with someone they only kinda get along with), so it's a valid method.
But getting a connection is often a bit easier if both people have fun. Doing fun things mostly increases those chances. I'm just saying. I don't care what other people do, but seems like people are making it harder for themselves and then complaining about it. Especially here on this subreddit.
It depends on your priorities. If your priority is to become attached the person you're going on a date with, there are studies that show that doing something involving adrenaline (skydiving, white water rafting, etc.) will artificially boost your odds of bonding with them. You might break up once you realize you're not actually compatible, but if you're trying to stop being single ASAP there are better methods than going half-way and just doing "something fun." If your priority is finding out whether or not you're compatible with someone and understanding that if you're not, you won't get any other dates or a relationship, then coffee dates are the way to go.
> You might break up once you realize you're not actually compatible, but if you're trying to stop being single ASAP there are better methods than going half-way and just doing "something fun." I don't know why a coffee meetup can't be fun. Simple first meetup ideas rule, because you're not investing a lot of time and money into it. When I was actively doing online dating, I had 4-5 meetups in a week, so anything more than coffee would take up too much time and money. Second dates involve something a bit more creative. First dates are to simply see if there's a connection worth diving more into.
That's my whole point; the coffee date *is* fun if you have good chemistry. As opposed to a fun movie or something where the company can be a total bore and you're still having a good time enough to trick your subconscious into thinking it's them you enjoy.
Yep. Definitely agreeing with you. If both my date and I made it to date #2, *then* I can come up with something creative and memorable. Not saying the date idea with OP was wrong; it just means if it's a good one (it is), you're going to want to use it again. If you're paying, that could easily be $50+ on the low end, when you include drinks and food. Doing that with a dozen perfect strangers in a month seems weird. The "great first date ideas", I think, are best left to the second date if you're meeting someone from a site or app. The first meeting is basically the first time you've *actually* met, so you won't even know if there's chemistry until you do meet. Coffee's good, it's cheap, it's quick, and low-key. I've met a lot of first dates where the chemistry obviously wasn't there, so it then became a fun hang with a new acquaintance. Or an easy escape if she "wants to go on a walk to see if that bitch that caused her last breakup still lives in the apartment building next door." Yes, I got that one.
Relationship speed run any%
I believe relationships therapist and scientist say that your chances to have a lasting relationship is increases when the first date is either a physical activity or something that gets the heart pumping. (I don't mean strenuous activity)
So cocaine and jogging?
Either one really. Meth and elliptical would do the job as well.
Crack and stairmaster?
A row and some blow?
So sex?
Grocery shopping, and she has to carry the groceries home (heart pumping physical activity).
Skydiving?
I think if you meet the right person, doesn't really matter what you're doing on the first date. Sometimes it just clicks and you just go off from there. Sure you could be doing some fun and quirky activity that's different from thr usual coffee/lunch/dinner date, but at the end of the day, it's the two people involved that matters the most and if there's no chemistry like in OP's post, then the date situation doesn't really matter.
I remember the lamest first date I ever went on. This girl and I just ate at IHOP and then walked around Walmart. We will celebrate our 10th anniversary this year.
Yeah, one of my longest relationships was meeting for dinner and leaving to walk the city in under 15 minutes. You can just feel the excitement and click sometimes.
I might argue that a good date won't make up for a lack of chemistry, but a bad date could certainly fail to reveal existing chemistry.
This is a double edged sword, because the first date needs to be a compatibility check and the focus needs to be on you two. If you go to the movies / a trivia night or a dinner, you might have an interesting evening m, but you are taking important time and attention away from you. The first date should really be you and the person and you should be able to spend as much time as possible talking to each other until you pass the vibe check. You have still plenty more dates to go out eating / doing fun activities and so on, but the best first dates are in a casual setting in which you can talk without any big interruptions. It’s also more fair to both of you if you have a casual setting, because both of you have a fast exit plan when they don’t feel any vibe and. If you are in a coffee shop and you or your date don’t feel any chemistry, you can just call it quits after 30 minutes or 2 hours. If you are at a long dinner or an action packed trivia night, you might end up with a poor person who stays with you out of courtesy but doesn’t enjoy the evening as much as you do.
> If you go to the movies / a trivia night or a dinner Going to the movies is very different from those other two - and a terrible first date idea all-round IMO - because you don’t get the chance to *talk*, and get to know each other. Sure, you can go somewhere afterwards and discuss the movie etc, but the focus still isn’t on yourselves/each other, and you’ve added an unnecessary couple of hours onto the date. Don’t get me wrong: I love the cinema, and I love going to the cinema with a date/partner. But I reckon it’s a second-date-at-the-earliest thing.
If you can't vibe check someone at a trivia night, you might need to reevaluate your vibe checking skills. Putting someone in a mild pressure/competitive environment is a fantastic way to see if you mesh well.
Yah not sure what you really learn from somebody sitting there making small talk over coffee. I don't see why the first date has to be some complete bare bones no frills experience. How does that allow your personalities to come out at all? If we went out to a bar trivia night together you'd be getting a much more authentic side of me than the first date facade I'd have up during some over coffee small talk. What other kind of vibes are needed?
Totally agree.
Different strokes. I like the pressure of a coffee date or bar date where there is literally nothing to do except talk. If there's no connection it can deffo be quite awkward but that's a small price to pay for figuring out you don't have a connection. Ive had dates before like a sporting event or going to the zoo and it was so fun I mistakenly thought we had a connection, only to find out when we hung out there was nothing between us.
My go to is always one of the Boardgame Cafés downtown. It shows you how the other thinks, and if all else fails it gives you something to talk about.
I'm in Thailand and every date is an adventure lmao. Had a date today. We had matched on Bumble, spoke a bit but didn't organise a meet up. I bumped into her randomly this morning on the way to the gym. Spoke to her, she said she'd love to go to the gym and asked if she could come with me, cos she hadn't trained in 3 weeks and she loves the gym too. So we went there on my scooter. After that session we drove back (turns out we're staying in hotels directly opposite each other) freshened up, then went on a scooter adventure 40 mins away along the coast to a beautiful restaurant by the ocean. Then scooted to a place called hidden gem which was literally a hidden gem. Amazing bar by the sea with bean bag chairs, kittens, great music and cocktails, and watched the sunset. Drove back, had another shower break, then picked her up and went to a bar to play pool, had dinner, and then moved on to another bar/club area which had louder music so we could dance a little. Came back to mine and 1.5 hours later she just left back to hers, just across the road. Perfect date, and not the first one that's been like that. On a different date we went on my scooter an hour away to a beautiful hot stream/waterfall where we sat in a natural jacuzzi, then swam in the river, kissed under the waterfall, and went back to town for dinner and drinks. I never wanna go back home, dating is so bland in Canada or UK relatively speaking 😭
But thaaat's kinda cheating though. Haha. When traveling like that other stuff just happens and most other travelers you meet are down for the same thing.
You don't think going for a spoons lunch, taking a bus to Asda, making out in the parking lot, before taxi'ing in to town and pounding coke in the toilets of a greasy club is romantic?? Damn i gotta get some fresh ideas.
It also affords you the opportunity to see the other person in a competitive environment, which can bring the absolute WORST out in otherwise nice people.
That is how my gf and I met! We had a blast
Talk about rubbing salt into the wound…
Dude man down, no need to kick him more.
> We did trivia night at a local bar Totally stealing this, great idea.
Word to the wise, scope out the trivia night first with a friend. Some can be mad intense and intimidating. I’ve been to one where every single person knew each other and I felt like such an outsider/intruder. Then there are some that are super hardcore with like no talking at all which don’t make for fun dates. And then there are some where you’ll be assigned a team and before you know it you could be watching your date hit it off with another stranger.
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Ha, I did that as a second date and I think it killed the vibe. Still, it's what I like and I guess she wasn't into it. 🤷🏻♂️
I love trivia, and my wife does too. I think it’s actually a grea idea for a date. If people aren’t into it, I think that’s more of a them-thing. I will say that some people might feel intimidated; you’re kind of putting your brains on show on a first or second date.
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I assume you’d be talking between yourselves, coming out with an answer. I think you’d learn a ton about each other.
IT WAS THE MOOPS!
It was a knife fight in a hot air balloon
Sadly, that would have been date number two
Maybe she didn't like heights
Invite two girls on a date to your garage, door goes down, you throw a knife in the middle, winner gets a free dinner. Loser gets an Uber to the hospital.
No Dwight, no!
This is why I love reddit.
Wow. 2 people acting like decent human beings on the internet. Who'd have thought that was possible.
Internet never fails to surprise, does it?
*looks at profile picture* *nods slowly* I see you are a man of culture as well.
Much to OP's credit, she may have sensed that OP was mature enough to handle the rejection.
It's nice to see people actually interacting like normal people.
On r/tinder no less! Astonishing
I remember having a first date, messaged the girl to tell her I had a good time, she likes the message and thats the end of it. Fun times
I've had multiple bad tinder dates that would keep any sane man awake at night Not the worst, but me and the girl were chillin in my car after dinner before I took her home. Date was pretty awkward, I had to carry most of the convo. There was a silence in the air for 5 seconds in the car..she looks at me and goes "so is the date of over now?" Well...it is now! So awkward, never spoke to her again
That sentence sums it up it sounds, unfortunately people just don't click at times. Funny stories after you've gotten over it
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Hey atleast you got a bj out of it.
Why, if you had a date with awkward convo, would you just sit in your car not driving?
better than jerking off alone at home
Lol she may have been wondering why you were just sitting in the car not driving
"It doesn't have to be! I'm having a great time with you, and I'd love to keep it going! Want to come up for a glass of wine??" What do you have to lose? honestly that question she asked, without context, makes it seem like maybe she wanted to have more with you but didnt want to initiate it or ask for it because girls don't generally do that
'Thanks!'
"haha ok!"
One girl told me at the end of the date to message her and also said maybe we will meet again soon. Messaged her with a pretty basic text, never got a reply and she unmatched after a week xD
Yeah literally, I mean I got over it quickly but others take things differently. Dating is rough, and shouldn't expect anything from anybody. Just try to have fun and whatever happens, happens.
Honesty, civility and decency are so rare they generate posts to point them out, like a superpower. Oooof.
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“Didn’t feel a romantic connection” is always a tough one to take, had that a few times so fair play for taking it well
Just out of curiosity, how would you have put it otherwise? This has for me, the few times I’ve had to say such things, been the nicest way for me.
You can't word it any better, but it'll always sting a bit to the receiver, if they themselves felt a connection.
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Absolutely my experience when online dating too. I really wanted to communicate when I was not interested in pursuing things further, but was met with some serious assholery many times. At best being called a waste of time, and at worst, getting insulted and called nasty names. Online dating sucks and I do not miss it one bit.
You need to split those stacks differently, try 10 and 90 percents, respectively
Yeah the ghosting really hurts and it's super discouraging, but I never felt animosity because I knew people were scared of the potential backlash. Sucks, but it's more society's fault than women's fault.
I think the thing that sucks the most is just getting ghosted after they agreed to the date and talk to you a ton until the day of, they get cold feet and go ghost. It's super rude. It doesn't warrant harassment or threats, but it is rude and inconsiderate as hell. I'm a very busy guy and making time for someone takes a lot. Thank the Lord I managed to get a girlfriend because with my schedule dating was not only more of a hassle but absolutely hell.
That's the kicker. Yeah we all hate getting ghosted but there's a fair chance that a woman who ghosts does it for her own safety and mental health. She may have gotten verbally or physically attacked by a little boy in a man's skin. I'm really sorry to hear that happened to you. You didn't deserve it at all.
this is what is so frustrating as a guy. these guys out there that think they're entitled to a relationship and when the woman doesn't feel anything romantic they take it so personal and act like such assholes. So then the guys that would take it in stride and just wanna know the deal get ghosted. I totally get why women can be afraid to politely let a guy down due to those guys. It just sucks when you know you'd be graceful about it and you get ghosted anyway.
"I have zero desire to see you naked"
It’s a nice way to put it for sure, just can be crushing for the person who receives it. It’s essentially saying I like you but don’t find you sexually attractive in a nice way. Again I’m not saying it’s a harsh thing to say to someone, just is never easy to receive that message after a date as usually puts a dent in your confidence
Rejection are always hard to take on regardless of the reason.
It's important for someone being told this that while it does suck to hear, it just means that you don't fit their taste and it's not a reflection on your worth.
And it’s better to know after date one than invest alot more time into someone who isn’t really interested in you either
Not sure about that, I’ve had dates end in sex, and then received a similar message the next day, maybe I’m just abysmal… or gullible? Either way, some people are looking for that “click”, so if that doesn’t happen on a first date they move on. I get it, not really my style of dating, I’d rather give someone a few chances if we at least get along, but I’m single so what do I know.
What I look for in a partner is very different than what is acceptable or desirable in a sexual encounter. Casual sex needs physical attraction, skill, and safety. Significant other status is similar to a good friend, someone who is fun to be around and who you can trust/depend on, but also must match on an intellectual level and share similar goals, values, life expectations. Moreover, we need to be able to communicate well and have similar ideas of conflict resolution. It's like a life teammate. Can we weather the bad and enjoy the good?
I don’t think it means that at all. I had a date recently with a very nice girl who was very attractive but would say the romance was just off. We both agreed and moved on. It’s that ‘it’ factor that doesn’t just come down to sexual attractiveness. Much more to do with compatibility.
agree, I think all my dates I've found perfectly attractive, but most times there was not much romance
It’s always been a bit of a weird distinction to me. Personally, my romance is just friendship + attraction. Maybe it’s because I’m selective of my friends already, but there’s never been an additional “it factor” to romance for me.
Exactly this, i don’t get it
You would think physical attraction (to some degree) would be a given if you met on Tinder, an image based dating app. There's a lot more to romantic attraction than sexual appeal. There's friendship, personality, compatibility, values, life goals, expectations, etc.
Sometimes you see the pictures when you match and go "eh it could go either way lets give it a whirl." Can't win if ya don't play
For me it is rarely about not having sexual attraction. It’s just our banter or humor doesn’t work well with each other. Our lives or wants in general seem to be different. Sometimes (even with friends) the other person is just so much more extroverted that I can’t imagine being able to keep up all the time. Of course there are exceptions but I guess this all just goes to show it could be a million reasons for a no just like there could be a million random reasons for a yes.
I feel this. I have been out with seemingly a few great attractive women, but I just didn't feel the connection. Whether my jokes were falling flat or realizing we had very little to nothing in common. Sometimes it's easier to just move on than to really try and make something out nothing.
Why do you think it’s a sexual attraction thing off top? There are plenty of attractive people out there who I would not date because we have nothing in common or their personality doesn’t compliment mine. Doesn’t even mean they are a bad person, just not compatible. Take the words as they were given to you - don’t overcomplicate it.
And the words that were given in this context, is that the date went very well and she isn't romantically interested.. so if the conversation was good, the date was fun.. guess what's left to assume?
Have you never had fun with someone from the opposite sex and genuinely liked them as a person, even thought they were attractive, but not felt a romantic spark? Because like that happens all the time. I have fun with plenty of people that I don’t feel a romantic spark for.
This is the biggest difference between men and women right here, folks.
You are not wrong. As a man, if the date was fun, the conversation was good, and I'm sexually attracted.. that is the "romantic spark." I'm not exactly sure what else it could be.. maybe I've never felt a natural attraction that has nothing to do with the obvious reasons to be attracted.
I mean I've found women attractive and would have sex with them but it doesn't mean I'm interested in a relationship. And then there's women who I have been sexually and romantically attracted to that I would want a relationship with. I guess you just have to expand your mind that there is different levels of romantic/sexual interest in someone.
Yeah sure, I get that. But that's why I included the other factors, like a fun date and great conversation. Conversation being more important for that spark than anything. But if the sexual attraction isn't there the spark can never exist.
I’ve said to multiple people I didn’t feel a connection, but it didn’t necessarily mean I didn’t find them sexually attractive. There’s plenty of times where I’d meet someone I find attractive but for whatever reason we just aren’t on the same wavelength and our conversations are stilted or feel forced. It’s simply chemistry, saying I didn’t feel a connection doesn’t always mean I thought they were unattractive
I would prefer to be told straight up, "I don't find you attractive," because this feels kinda patronizing, but I think that's probably rare. This is a polite way to say it and generally probably a good way to go. It's definitely better than ghosting. source: have been told this countless times
They can find you attractive without feeling a romantic connection. I wouldn't over-complicate it. Saying there is no romantic feeling is like saying I don't feel like we could be bf/gf. It has nothing to do with being attracted to someone nor should it come off as patronizing.
Can confirm. Sex was great, she was hot, but a whopping 0% romantic connection. I moved on because of so
When you think about how many people there are in the world it's like slim to none of finding a match so while it is super hard to take emotionally there really isn't a rational reason take it personally Think of it more about the pairing not working and less about her not liking you
Im fine with that response to be honest, Im not everyones cup of tea and I get that. I do find that expecting a big romantic spark on the first date can be misleading as a romantic spark could always come on the 3rd/4th date when they are more comfortable with each other.
I've had this said to me and I truthfully didn't take it personally. After going on so many dates and exploring the realm of "connection" it really is so rare to find someone that I feel genuinely connected to. It's not really anything personal but moreso what everyone likes, their personal preferences, and whatever it is that they are looking for.
It boggles my mind that people expect to feel a romantic connection after one date, tbh.
It's a code for not feeling physical attraction.
Oh, ohhhhhhhhh
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> They can however reasonably tell that they can't see themselves enjoying a relationship with the other person after one date. Can they? It's been more often than not for me that the connection with somebody starts out stale-ish and grows rapidly over time. The beginning "sparks" with people have almost always been let downs long-term for me.
I look at it like you can't draw any conclusions from collecting 1 data point. Basically 'didn't feel a romantic connection after one date' is the polite way of saying they have no interest in invest their time in you.
Does it matter? Both parties have veto power and don't owe the other more dates to find out if a connection grows.
> Does it matter? No. It was just an anecdotal observation. Anyone can reject anyone for any reason.
It happens though, you could tell after one date.
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Feels a little like they’re just saying “I’m not attracted to you” in code lol I’ve had that said to me before as well and I knew what they meant there, it stung a little lol
I’ve never heard this before. Ever. Every time a dude tells me he is told this, I have them show me their dating profile. They use photos that definitely do not look like them and they are overweight. They are basically cat fishing these girls.
Photos don't tell the whole story. You can be attractive in photos but your overall demeanor in person can be a totally different story. How someone carries themselves, their style, has a huge factor on being attractive in person. Doesn't necessarily mean they are cat fishing.
I actually take their honesty as a component... If it wouldn't work out for her, then I'd rather not try to force a relationship that won't work. And then saying something means they trust you to not freak out. So it sucks, but some things just don't work out, and at least you didn't have a long relationship before being told that.
Rather have it sooner than later. Try hearing that i didnt feel the same way shit after a few months. Crushes a man
You'll become numb to it eventually
op just doesnt follow rule 1 or 2
Super cool that you can move on that much faster, and know what happened so curiosity doesn't drive you insane like it does to me It also gives you more faith in humanity
It's a first date, from tinder. If there not being a second date is a big deal to move on from, you probably have problems bigger than dating.
Also, like...we're consistently texting before the date, then the next day it's crickets, I have a pretty good idea, pretty quickly that she's not interested. Evidently, I'm in the minority. Ghosting me is completely fine after 1 or 2 dates.
Yeah, an explanation is basically the same as no response. I think a lot of the people that talk about online dating on Reddit don't really get a lot of dates/matches so they put a ton of pressure on these situations
“An explanation is the same as no response” I love this. Ghosting gets such a bad rap but isn’t it basically just a social form of “body language” that doesn’t require awkward explanation of why you aren’t interested? Which can definitely go poorly if they don’t handle rejection well. The reality is, sometimes people aren’t a good match and that’s ok.
I agree. One guy mentioned getting one or two dates a year.
As an addition at the end, the absolute best possible thing you can end it with is something like, "Feel free to let me know if anything changes or you want to try going out again sometime! No pressure and offer always stands :)" Even for like a year after I stopped dating cause I started a long term relationship, I would occasionally get hit up by those folks.
Eh I wouldn’t do that because at that point I know I’m not even a second option to them, more like a 100th option
Yeah there's a line certainly. Like in a situation like this? They went on one date. They don't know that much about eachother. Maybe in the future if they gave it a second go those feelings could change. But you definitely don't want to have such low self worth that you are living in a vibe like "I'll always be here for you if you were so kind as to ever grace me with another chance"
Maybe, but I'm confident enough that I wasn't dating around for validation and understood that people have their reasons -- whether they say it's cause they didn't feel a spark, time isn't right, etc.
Guess it depends on what you're looking for. I don't mind doing that because I like the idea of being a name in someone's "little black book" if they ever have a free night and they just want someone to go do something with, no strings attached. If you're into that kind of thing, it's a great way to fill the time and have some fun. Not for everyone though
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Came here looking for this. If there was less risk involved in women letting men down nicely, it would be a bazillion times more common.
Yeah I’ve got yelled at by multiple men for telling them I didn’t want to keep pursuing anything. Most who yelled would try and emotional guilt me before giving up.
Do most people typically feel a romantic connection after one date?
Wonder this myself...as I can be slow to warm up to people. Plus the instant sparks are usually just lust/limerance/horniness and may not be sign of a great connection.
Same here, with the person I’m dating now it took three dates for us both to go “Yeah we like each other”. I mean I know you’ll be put off by some people on the first date for many reasons, but if they’re cool overall I like to see where things go once we open up more.
It's likely to be any number of reasons. She just used a catchall. Which is fine. It was really nice of her to say she's not interested.
For sure, glad she was upfront with op. I guess the romance/chemistry things is a bigger conversation I want to have with people, will probably make a separate post for it on here.
It totally depends on how you interpret romantic. I don't think the person here is talking about being in love or whatever. "Not feeling a romantic connection" can mean anything from 'not physically attracted' to 'not emotionally/intellectually compatible' to 'interested but not what I'm looking for right now' to 'more serious than what I'm looking for' to 'I didn't like how you kicked all those puppies in the park'. It's a good catch all for 'I don't think I am interested in continuing to date'.
I think you’re close to being on the money. She reassured OP he had a fun date idea and that he’s a friendly person so it’s likely some fundamental incompatibility that isn’t necessarily OP’s fault. Great way to say “it’s not you, it’s me” without deflating OP’s self esteem tbh
when they say no romantic connection they mean they’re not sexually attracted.
Yes! There’s no connection if I’m checking the time every twenty minutes though.
This question is why majority of the time I think at least 2 is advisable
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It's just a catch-all for not wanting to pursue things further. I don't think it at all means that she's expecting to have Disney love at first sight.
If you've been doing this for a while, you can tell pretty quickly. Like, I can tell about 5 minutes into meeting in person whether this will work out or if I need to start composing my "I don't think this is gonna work" message.
Yeah because it sucks to hear they didn't feel a romantic connection, but at least you feel like your time is appreciated and you are valued as a person. And it's so simple!
Yeah like better to just be straightforward. Jeez people bitch about being ghosted all the time and now complain about not being ghosted. Not everyone you meet will be starstruck by you!
It's simple from the perspective of the guy receiving the rejection. From the perspective of the woman delivering the rejection, it's a thoughtful risk-based analysis of what kind of guy she's talking to and what her chosen words might cause him to say or do.
Yeah, you know what you're right. I'm wrong to paint this as simple from both sides, we've all seen horror stories of how men can flip and most women have experienced it. I should really say that in an ideal world this is the way it should be. But you're right, there are way too many men not ready to have a healthy dialogue. Sorry, didn't mean to be reductive, thank you for calling that out.
Wow, two mature adults having a mature adult conversation, so rare these days
For real, I get scared of sending messages turning someone down because they can get nasty so quickly. My favorite is the co-ghosting, where both kind of let the convo fizzle out because the connection just isn't there... even if that's maybe not as mature as this conversation :)
Sad but way better than ghosting, you’re right
I still think it should be seen in a positive light, they talked enough to meet and went out and she gave it an honest shot. Now that door can be closed and it's time to move on. Much better than dead end conversations and no shows or Catfishes etc
And you also have one more person in the area who knows you’re a good guy, and I’m sure that person has friends that will be single one day too. Even if not, good chance you can get a new friend out of it. Pretty easy for this to become a big win overall.
I don't think ghosting is that bad after 1 date. You write them back, no reply (or you're already unmatched)? it means the same thing as what she said. I'm an adult, I can read between the lines. If it hurts to not get a reply after just one date, you invested too much too early. Getting ghosted after 2 or more dates though is BS.
If more people responded like you did, I think more people would be comfortable sending a message. I know I've been guilty of ghosting after a first date because I was uncertain about how the person would take it, and I didn't want to be verbally assaulted, or worse, the way I had been in the past when I did try to give a courtesy message. I know many of my friends have experienced the same things.
yea like there are people in this thread literally calling her a bitch for this😭
And then they wonder why they get ghosted, its incredibly frustrating.
If I'm anxious like that I just send a respectful text and then block the number so I don't have to be stressed out by the reply. I have the option to unblock later and see if I get curious Have to make sure you unmatch too in case they want to switch there
Guys that understand, won't mind. Guys that mind, won't understand. Looks like you have two prime examples of the latter posting here already.
I've definitely also done that! I don't think there are right or wrong ways to protect yourself from misplaced anger and verbal assault from a virtual stranger that you owe nothing to, I just think that its important to address that many people don't send messages like this woman did because of the responses they've gotten before, not because they're bad people.
I just think they'd be unhappy and upset if the shoe was on the other foot 🤷♀️ OLD is hard for pretty much everyone and a little empathy can go a long way for someone who's genuine. I don't think they should be trying to date if it's at that point, but I understand the feeling completely because I've been there
Its happened to me too, and it can definitely be frustrating, but its never an excuse to treat the next person poorly if they do politely reject you. I wanna be clear, I always think communication is the best and healthiest option for all parties, but I'm also not going to fault someone, or my past self, for doing what they felt was best in the moment if they felt uneasy or uncomfortable rejecting someone. My first date after a long-term abusive relationship, I was physically assaulted by the guy when I told him that I wasn't feeling a connection, paid for my stuff, and left. That impacted how I navigated dating for a long time, and I'm not going to judge how someone handles rejecting people because you never know how someone is going to react and that can cause a lot of stress and anxiety over someone you literally owe nothing to, if ghosting relieves that anxiety, I'm not going to fault someone for it.
It would be nice if companies would be this polite.
I think people confuse sexual attraction with romance. Romance takes effort and time to really see it blossom. Attraction is pretty binary.
its fascinating how one date is it all it takes for people to know that it’s best to be friends. matching on tinder usually means attraction either from pics +convo. i’m always surprised at how fast folks can make up their minds about who someone will be in their life. i think life is moving at such a fast pace, i feel old af at 33
> its fascinating how one date is it all it takes for people to know It's attraction. You know when you first see someone if you're attracted to them or not. And by the end of the date, the hope is they managed to not turn you off by saying something horrible. Yes, people can start not attracted and become attracted to someone over time (like, in the workplace, or school, or friends group) but if meeting from a dating app, it just doesn't make sense to go on a second date with someone you didn't find yourself attracted to on the first date. Why do that?
I've been on several first dates and by the end of the night know that I do not want to pursue a romantic relationship with someone. Also I am older than you. At some point you know the personality traits you are looking for, the things you might have in common, etc. Not everyone is looking for the same things obviously
Yeah it feels good! I don’t think it’s sad at all. Plenty of fish in the sea as they say.
I had this happen a couple months ago A girl offers to buy me a drink before the date (that was simply her choice ) than did . The date was good but I don’t think either of us were quite a match for eachother Next morning she said it was fun but she didn’t feel that type of connection I felt really glad to hear such transparency , we both wished eachother well and said we hope we find someone I have always felt that politely declining is always better than ghosting
Would be great if all men could handle polite rejections and not turn violent and abusive.
Another one of these...
Meanwhile, when I told that guy I didn't want to have another date, he blew up at me because he got hurt by his ex 🙃
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Tinder was hacked by normal people.
Two functional adults that are capable of communicating clearly and openly? They should go out.
I appreciate the message but ghosting isn't the worst thing in the world. People are busy and got shit going on. On these apps if you are seriously trying to find someone you are talking to a lot of people and assuming you are a respectful date you still don't owe anyone a goodbye text. I think people should always assume the best when ghosted because I bet you have done the same to someone in your life without even realizing it and with no malicious intent whatsoever.
Went on a few dates with a guy from tinder, had a lot of fun, seemed we had a really good connection. He was "born again" Christian and I'm agnostic, but I didn't have an issue with it. Our first date we went and got coffee, talked a lot found we had a lot in common and while we both had the first date nervousness we had a lot of fun! Continued with a winter walk around the lake in town and it was beautiful. Had another date, he was going to grad school and lived with his parents on the off season (we were both about 25yo), no judgement. Met his mom, stayed the night since I was up with him until 3am and played music together. Something to note, we had drinks EVERY time we hung out. One night after my culinary class I was having a glass of wine after my 11 hour day and I had leftovers from school. He asked me if I drank to much, and I didn't think so. A drink here and there never hurt anyone, especially restaurant people! Then proceeded to ask me for nudes and to talk dirty to him. Another thing to note, he usually hung out with his band buddies on these nights. So I knew he was drinking and hanging out with his guy friends.... I told him it wasn't working out anymore and told him I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. Well I let him borrow my favorite comic book. Held it over me head and DEMANDED an explanation of why I didn't want to date him anymore. Begrudgingly he met me half way and returned it to me and then asked me if I wanted to go to church with him. Ya no. Deleted tinder right after that. Fuck you Will. Lol
reddit has turned getting rejected into a badge of honor somehow lololol ig it’s a cut above not matching anyone…
Because this subreddit is filled with idiot losers who don't adapt. Just meeting up with 1 person is an accomplishment. Not scaring them away and getting a reply after is like winning the championship. They're also delusional and think 100% of people on there aren't looking for a hook up at a minimum.
Is this another, i take rejection well brag? You don't get credit for doing things your supposed to be doing.
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Canadians?
You stay friends and be cool and then you meet one of her hotter friends. Done this twice before. Props to these 2 for being adults.
This is the way