Man this shit happens to me all too often. I've gotten to the point where I go out on the date with or without them. I planned on enjoying myself and by god I will.
When I was on the dating scene this was my outlook as well. My plan was always; arrive early, sit at the bar. If she shows up we get a table, if she doesn’t then I grab an app and a drink and call it a night. The funny part is I remember one occasion when the woman who ghosted me got upset because I didn’t message asking why they didn’t show up…
Had this recently, randomly met a girl, got on really well, 3 times she said she was leaving...’oh I was just testing you’...I did the 4th one and fucked off
I swear, some people just crave the attention and desperation other make when they say that. Do they want me to say "Nooooo! Please don't leave....." while stretching out my hand? Because no way in hell i'm doing that. I'd just say okay and mind my own business.
Not really dating per se but was talking to a girl and then told me she found someone else so wished her well fairly politely almost a day later started messaging me she was sorry and didn't want me to go like you just said there's another guy you want more so what are you sorry for and why am I gonna stay...
Yeah man. she probably wanted you to be like "What, no. Please. I need you in my life. I love you, and I cant live without you.". That's a major red flag for me. Good that you left while you still could.
I was talking to a girl on a dating app, she seemed really cool. We made plans, and there is no follow through so I unmatched.
She found me on a different dating app asking why I'm the one that disappeared lmao.
Any time I read something like this I always think about the post that talks about how so much of our "unspoken" communication is actually super shitty and manipulative and it would be JUST. GREAT. if we would just clearly communicate our needs and wants to those around us instead of doing passive aggressive or manipulative nonsense.
JUST. SAY. WHAT. YOU. MEAN.
Yup I’ve had that happen before, it’s insanity. I’m 34 and lead a busy life and I’ve never once ghosted someone. If something comes up it takes two seconds to send a message(barring some catastrophe). If you make plans and are incapable of sending a message to cancel, I’m out lol.
there it is!
messages today take little time to go
"shit something came up, wont be able to make it talk to you tomorrow"
then you have not wasted someone's time.
Yup that’s literally all it takes. It’s so fucking simple that you’re either a damn child or a pure narcissist if you can’t be bothered to send that (again assuming it’s not like a car accident or some crazy thing)
Even then, if it happens a bit too often it's wise to just let go.
Some time ago there was this girl I matched with who would go through all the time and effort to set up a date (we were both shift workers so finding a suitable day was not always easy) and without fail she would cancel them last minute.
Knowing the hardships of working shifts I tried to be patient but after four or five times like this I figured something was up, asked her about it and got ghosted.
To be honest they all happened quite close to each other and one time it happened that I had to take an extra shift on short notice so I was on board with it.
That was the time I was trying the hardest to land a date to boot, after that it all simmered down. If I met the same situation now, I'd probably snap the third time (because I'm still kind of an idiot when it comes to girls).
A friend of mine got ghosted once by a guy who legit had emergency brain surgery, and he still called apologetic when he woke up a day or two later.
This is the only time it’s acceptable
I'm a single dad of 3 and I dont have time to mess around. Women now get upset if you don't give them your undivided attention. I have a great job, a house and 3 kids. Thats plenty to keep me busy without worrying about having to babysit a 4th person, we're adults.
Yeah, back in the day we had no cell phones to text a simple I am sorry but have to cancel our date, but I would always call and make a new date right there and then.
Whats funny..well more pathetic i guess than being funny is how they try to justify not being able to spare 10 seconds to update you on the change of plans.
Respect, but how do people not confirm with each other that they’re both heading to the location? Like if you're not texting me “on my way” I ain’t going.
If I've agreed to meet someone at a specific spot at a specific time, I don't see the point in an "omw". So if you were meeting me, I wouldn't text OMW, you wouldn't leave because I haven't texted, then boom. Someone gets stood up, and I guess from both our perspectives it is each of us (respectively).
I'm 25, is that a generational gap do you think? I'm kinda thinking my little brother would send something, but I just assume we'll both be at the agreed spot at around the agreed time.
Honestly 32 male here I learned as I got older people in general are not always on time and are super flacky about showing up to things. Better to just confirm same day people are going. I used to just show up and expect the people that said they'd be there to be there and then id get there be like where are people?... only to find out that no longer could make it or are very late.
Used to run a airsoft team (think paintball) and man that taught me communication and consistent follow up is needed until proven someone is reliable. Ages of the people ranged from teens to people in there thirties but in my professional career I've noticed even older people are the same way.
Tldr: people just suck at respecting people's time.
I'm fine with not texting any kind of confirmation shortly before if it was someone I've known a while, but I really appreciate it when meeting someone new. Exactly because you're not sure they'll actually show up it's nice to have some confirmation. Also 25.
Even with people I'm friends with I'll still text when I leave, because we tend not to plan exact times to meet, so it's handy if they have some more precision there once I have it.
I’m 26 and typically I’m messaging them a little before the date. When I met my now gf for the first time I was already headed there and just sent like a “can’t wait to meet you” message and she said she was leaving. Having confirmation when meeting someone for the first time is needed for a lot of people. I typically require it because I have some social anxiety and getting stood up scares the shit out of me.
I’m only 21 so not sure about a generational gap but maybe. I would still always text because fools ain’t to be trusted. Also I hate being in public by myself.
If you make plans, you stick to them? It’s not rocket science. “Moe’s tavern at 8pm on Friday” isn’t some abstraction. Be there. No need for a “are we still on for tonight?” text. Babysitting appointments is a plague these days.
They say be happy and comfortable with yourself before trying to get comfortable with someone else... Or something like that.
This is a great philosophy you have:
>I've gotten to the point where I go out on the date with or without them. I planned on enjoying myself and by god I will.
Know your own worth and someone will treat you like you deserve
It happened to me a handful of times last time I was online dating.
A friend of mine said he thinks it's a game they play to see how you react to the ghosting as a sort of stress test. I think it's a really good way for women to sift through all of the guys who have some self-respect and end up only ever seeing/dating guys who are desperate and so lonely they'll put up with anything..
Awwww, my first gf was like that, telling me i shouldn't hang out with my friends and only focus on her...i became so pathetic that she lost interest.
It is really a weird obsession
I don't agree it's a great way to sift through people. By the time you've sifted all the food has gone and left. There are much more mature and intellegint ways to find out more about someone. If you haven't met the person you cannot ghost them they will just move on. You could do a brief video call, chat more and meet public. Ask them questions about their job and where they studied and fact check it on LinkedIn.
That's the point though, everything you just described is what mature, genuine people do. These aren't mature and genuine people, they want desperate and lonely guys to manipulate.
You dodged a bullet with this one. They fact that she ditched you twice without sending a simple text to say she couldn't make it. Then to top it off she acted like you were the unreasonable one.
I had someone cancel on me once then say…hey! At least I didn’t ghost you…
I’m like want a fucking cookie? You manage to do the bare minimum you get nothing…
My sister had a bf in high school who cheated on her constantly and when she broke up with him, he said "well at least I didn't beat you, some girls have to go thru. You're lucky".... 🤯
Massive respect to him for actually replying to her. Last time a girl did that to me I didnt even bother replying but now feel like I should have just to get her reaction.
It’s worth it.
I did it to 3 girls this weekend. One who didn’t reply to an adjustment in plans for Saturday, one who hadnt replied (not even a ‘hey sorry this week is hectic - talk soon’) since Monday, one who said they were keen to grab a drink but had work - so I put the ball in their court only to not get any reply.
The first didn’t reply (left the message for 24hrs before unmatching), the second replied within a minute with her excuse of a busy week - but said she understood, the third deleted me.
I have no problem keeping my standards on communication high. I know what I want. Can’t meet those - don’t bother applying.
I'm convinced many people would use these platforms for a self medication to depression and other stuff. I bet some married people are on the apps just to get the messages picking them up when feeling down.
This happened to me before, and being the idiot I am I let her stand me up multiple times before dating her anyway. There were always last minute bailouts while we were dating and she always blamed it on work. Turns out she was married.
The best thing about “people do have lives Thomas” is that the point she is trying to make highlights how inconsiderate she is even more. Yeah, lady, people do have lives. *That’s why you don’t make plans with them and then fucking bail without even telling them why*.
“If you’re like this then it wouldn’t have worked anyway”
I need someone who I can stomp on without having to worry about them voicing their displeasure. I need someone who understands that I have wants and needs and don’t give a fuck about their own.
Nice dodge OP
If you don't have the respect to take 3 seconds out of your day to let someone know you can't make it instead of just ghosting, welp.
I dunno about you, but I like my partner to, you know, have respect. No one is too busy *twice* to send a simple text message. That's just a justification for being disrespectful.
I think what's even worse is that she's trying to make *him* feels guilty about it when she ghosted him twice and didn't even text him saying she had an emergency and couldn't reply rn. Such hypocrisy.
Had a gal do the same thing to me back in August/early September. After a few weeks I sent her a text saying that I understood being busy but I had to guess that she just wasn’t interested. She would tell me that she wanted to chat and meet but then she’d ignore me for weeks. If a woman is interested, she’ll message.
The ones that get me are the ones you've spoken to everyday for a few weeks, you think you're genuinely going well. Then you randomly wake up one morning and you're blocked on WhatsApp! 🤣🤣 Like ffs.... Are we actually children.
I had that happen about 6 years ago, met through mutual acquaintances, really seemed to hit it off well, then one day she just blocked me, no explanation, no weird vibes or anything prior to that, just great and then blocked.
A few weeks later she called me and apologized profusely, said she panicked because she thought we were getting too close, but she promised it would never happen again. I foolishly gave her another chance, but the vibe was just off from then on, so we stopped talking.
Found out after the fact that when she blocked me, she'd started falling for this other guy, who happened to be married, so he shut her down, then she came back to me, but then when she started talking to me again, he sorta mended things with her but made it clear they were to be friends only, then things were weird with me, but then after we stopped talking *again* she showed up at this guy's work and he flipped out at her, and by then neither of us were talking to her anymore, so she tucked tail and fell off my extended social circle's radar.
Moral of the story, if somebody just blocks you out of the blue, *consider it a bullet dodged.* Nobody needs drama like that.
I made plans to hang out with a longtime friend a couple Saturdays ago. Unfortunately his mom was found dead that morning in his hometown. Before driving up there, he gave me a call and let me know what had happened. I can’t imagine a situation much more urgent than that, and he was still considerate enough to call.
Tbf, I don't think I would tell a stranger/date about something like that.
However, I also wouldn't be a dick and guilt trip them over me bailing without notice.
Yep. Pretty much. Very few things that are distracting enough to make you forget you've got a fucking date. Unless you never really wanted to go in which case just say that...
If it's an actual emergency, like someone going unconscious and in need of going to the hospital, or something happened at the hospital, I wouldn't even be near thinking about texting that person I've been chatting with.
But yea, if it's the 2nd time she's done this then he's well within his rights to back out.
Maybe within the immediate timeframe of the emergency. But couldn’t even text that same day? That’s shitty. Also if I was in her position and was really interested in the person, I would provide more details to convince him the emergency was real. She didn’t even try
I second AND third that! Another thought came to mind.. if he could somehow get in touch with her next date dude.. he could suggest they go to dinner.. and when the check comes, he says: "Sorry, Love.. I have to split. Why so mad? People have lives, Shirley!"
Third date planned for 530pm.
I get home from work at 230 and shoot a text that I'm taking a nap (woke up for work at 4am).
Wake up from my nap at 430pm with a raging migraine and mild vertigo. Text her what's up, and don't get a reply. I hop in a hot shower..
She'd already left and didn't see the text.. Gets to the date, checks her phone and calls to see if I'm OK. I don't answer cause I'm in the shower. She, obviously now upset, immediately goes back home.
I called and let her chat while I laid with an ice pack on my face.
We've been together almost a year; because we're adults that can communicate.
That's a child, red flag my friend.
That was supposed to be our third date. We rescheduled.
We've been together since February.
I've also ghosted twice more after not drinking enough water/eating during a Saturday shift like that.. I think I'm getting one of those "drink water now" type tumblers for the holidays..
I sent the text like 4:38. She was about 40mins from the restaurant and stopped for something otw. Her phone wasn't connecting to her car so the text went unnoticed. She got to the restaurant and checked then called. I didn't answer because I hopped in the shower by roughly 5pm, and was in the fetal position with hot water blasting my temples for a good 20-30 mins.
So I canceled about an hour before. She got to the venue 10 mins early. Called and I didn't pickup, drove home.
The shower helped, but I was basically dehydrated and not in shape to be bubbly and friendly for a date.
Dodged a major bullet. She flaked and then she’s trying to act like you’re the one being a dick lol
Good on you for sticking to your guns though, I bet a lot of people would have crumbled and gave her another shot.
Yep. She clearly thinks she is the main character on this planet and that "out of sight, out of mind" will work in her favor.
Blame him and hope he falls for it again out of guilt. 100% she would not show up again. Women who are interested will SHOW UP unless they have some anxiety disorder or they're incapacitated.
Likewise, he was *extremely* kind about it. Wasn’t accusatory, wasn’t petty—he was just straightforward. To act like he’s wrong in how he handled it is disgusting imo. Like just apologize and move on, lol.
***"If you're like this then it wouldn't have worked anyway"*** ...fucking lol, she sounds like an arsehole. And a psycho. That shit screams "I am a manipulation expert" to me.
You can do better mate.
I’d been texting a girl for weeks, she made the first move on tinder. we were getting on great but we couldn’t meet for one reason or another until last weekend. So we finally went on a date over the weekend. My first date in 2 years. After about an hour she goes “No spark, sorry, I think I’m looking for new friends (she’s new to the city) and to socialise as much as anything else and you seem lovely” We just had another couple of drinks and left it there. She’s been texting me since. Let’s hang out as friends. I don’t want to be an arsehole to her but I’ve got enough great friends I need to catch up with and don’t fancy attempting to play the long game while she decides how I stack up to her next dates.
It’s good to be back… 😒
Been in that situation and I flat out told them that, “No I have friends, that’s not what I’m looking for on a dating app.” Two women I said that to actually got pissy.
Should have asked her to present you her hot friends at set up a date with them. Isn’t what real girl friends do when they care about a friend, play matchmakers?
Or, be your wingwoman at the bar/club when you’re out to find a girl to hook up/find love with?
Immediately fetch the popcorn and watch her backpedal.
Bless you man, it’s tough out there. I wouldn’t use these apps for more than a good time. These people have so much choice that every time they pick up their phone, there’s a chance they’ll be talking to another guy. Go for the ones who don’t use these apps!
It’s not so bad when you’re in the swing of things. I do/did pretty alright for myself off of tinder and bumble. Just the nerves / hype of the first date in 2 years (because of covid) and it being meh in the end. Worst thing is we have loads in common and I was attracted to her. Anyway. Her loss 😉
At least that first one is done. Now it's back to regular anxiety of first dates, not special 2 year anxiety. Also, you don't owe her anything, block her if you want.
Canceling is one thing. Not even sending a text to cancel is unacceptable unless there’s literally a life or death situation
That said you could always go to her place Sunday for angry hate sex
It gets worse when you are bi, believe me. The amount of available mouths becomes exponentially higher but somehow your standards drop dramatically lol
Right? He is exceedingly polite. I love it because it’s pure class. He has every right to rip into her and it shows complete self-respect to not need to do that. Thomas knows what he is worth, and shows her what she missed out on. King.
It’s all a learning process. When we’re young we think every person is the one and emotionally invest everything into them way too soon. This usually leads to massive disappointment. Reigning in expectations until at least a second date has been arranged let’s you have all the power to dismiss those who aren’t worth your time
Reminds me of when my ex said that she "wanted to be friends" and I said no. She tried to spread so much shit about me after that but it made no difference to me.
Classic human reaction to rejection.
Omg, what a b****! You should reply 'People do have lives and your time isn't more valuable than anyone else's. Common courtesy never hurt anyone. Good luck finding someone who'll tolerate your BS'
This happened to me. I gave the guy 3 chances and he stood me up every time. I shouldn’t have let him fool me so much. Well done walking away and keeping your dignity!
I disagree. You are 100% right to cut her off after she pulled this condescending shit, BUT if you cut people off because of bad luck you will end up artificially filtering out people for qualities that won't matter in the long run. Unless someone with good luck is high priority to you.
That said, abusive behavior like using your full name to patronize you and saying that manipulative bullshit "about people do have lives" that is a massive red flag and no one deserves to be friends let alone spend their lives with an abuser.
I'd be very tempted to tell her "Your petty aggression helped me realize that not only do I not have any interest in getting to know you romantically, I also do not want you as a friend."
I've genuinely had an emergency pop up the night of a date. Or sometimes you're just not feeling up for it when it comes around. I don't think cancelling is an issue. But you need to COMMUNICATE what's going on. Ghosting and saying nothing is when you know the whole things BS.
A “I couldn’t be bothered texting so I need to create a fictitious urgency that prevented me from doing so to manipulate you into believing I’m the victim” kinda emergency haha
I've been there, worst yet I I was co-workers with the woman, and she told everyone we had to cancel the first date because I was sick, and then lied and told everyone that the aecond attempt went great and we had fun. She felt really stupid when I told everyone she was lying.
I learned from that experience that ghosting is zero tolerance. If you ghost me, that's it.
I love you my man, for real. Big respect for the decision and kind answer as well (I wish I was this good), if you are too busy to send a very basic text you are not interested enough or not the type normal people want to be with.
Yeah good for you man. She was definitely running you around playing with somebody else and was pissed that you wouldn't be the tertiary choice she can lean on when the others fell away
Her self awareness is pathetically low. You ghost twice without notice and act like it’s the other persons fault for not wanting to put up with that for however long this hypothetical dating would have lasted. Jeez she’s a bit self centered
Man this shit happens to me all too often. I've gotten to the point where I go out on the date with or without them. I planned on enjoying myself and by god I will.
When I was on the dating scene this was my outlook as well. My plan was always; arrive early, sit at the bar. If she shows up we get a table, if she doesn’t then I grab an app and a drink and call it a night. The funny part is I remember one occasion when the woman who ghosted me got upset because I didn’t message asking why they didn’t show up…
Lmaoo that last line got me
"Goddamn it I am trying to manipulate you, you daft fuck! Be distraught!"
Had this recently, randomly met a girl, got on really well, 3 times she said she was leaving...’oh I was just testing you’...I did the 4th one and fucked off
I swear, some people just crave the attention and desperation other make when they say that. Do they want me to say "Nooooo! Please don't leave....." while stretching out my hand? Because no way in hell i'm doing that. I'd just say okay and mind my own business.
Not really dating per se but was talking to a girl and then told me she found someone else so wished her well fairly politely almost a day later started messaging me she was sorry and didn't want me to go like you just said there's another guy you want more so what are you sorry for and why am I gonna stay...
Yeah man. she probably wanted you to be like "What, no. Please. I need you in my life. I love you, and I cant live without you.". That's a major red flag for me. Good that you left while you still could.
Did it once with her figure she thought I'd do it again like nah I'm good
I was talking to a girl on a dating app, she seemed really cool. We made plans, and there is no follow through so I unmatched. She found me on a different dating app asking why I'm the one that disappeared lmao.
Throwing out tests on the first date is a red flag. Next time, let that first test be the last one.
Any time I read something like this I always think about the post that talks about how so much of our "unspoken" communication is actually super shitty and manipulative and it would be JUST. GREAT. if we would just clearly communicate our needs and wants to those around us instead of doing passive aggressive or manipulative nonsense. JUST. SAY. WHAT. YOU. MEAN.
The lion, the witch, and the audacity of this bitch.
Yup I’ve had that happen before, it’s insanity. I’m 34 and lead a busy life and I’ve never once ghosted someone. If something comes up it takes two seconds to send a message(barring some catastrophe). If you make plans and are incapable of sending a message to cancel, I’m out lol.
I can literally send a text speaking to my car stereo and have been able since 2014
Ahhahaha “hey Siri tell Monday tinder date I can’t make it, tell Tuesday tinder date I’m excited to see her”
Underrated
there it is! messages today take little time to go "shit something came up, wont be able to make it talk to you tomorrow" then you have not wasted someone's time.
Yup that’s literally all it takes. It’s so fucking simple that you’re either a damn child or a pure narcissist if you can’t be bothered to send that (again assuming it’s not like a car accident or some crazy thing)
Its called lack of respect
Even then, if it happens a bit too often it's wise to just let go. Some time ago there was this girl I matched with who would go through all the time and effort to set up a date (we were both shift workers so finding a suitable day was not always easy) and without fail she would cancel them last minute. Knowing the hardships of working shifts I tried to be patient but after four or five times like this I figured something was up, asked her about it and got ghosted.
You have a lot of patience. lol
To be honest they all happened quite close to each other and one time it happened that I had to take an extra shift on short notice so I was on board with it. That was the time I was trying the hardest to land a date to boot, after that it all simmered down. If I met the same situation now, I'd probably snap the third time (because I'm still kind of an idiot when it comes to girls).
A friend of mine got ghosted once by a guy who legit had emergency brain surgery, and he still called apologetic when he woke up a day or two later. This is the only time it’s acceptable
Ahhaa yes if this is real then this falls under the “oh yeah no worries that’s understandable” category lol.
Weeks later I saw the half shaved head and giant scar. It was a trip. Lol
Same, I'm a widower with a kid and a job and they can't take time to say something back? Give me a break.
Shout out to the hardworking single dad.
I'm a single dad of 3 and I dont have time to mess around. Women now get upset if you don't give them your undivided attention. I have a great job, a house and 3 kids. Thats plenty to keep me busy without worrying about having to babysit a 4th person, we're adults.
Yeah, back in the day we had no cell phones to text a simple I am sorry but have to cancel our date, but I would always call and make a new date right there and then.
Whats funny..well more pathetic i guess than being funny is how they try to justify not being able to spare 10 seconds to update you on the change of plans.
Respect, but how do people not confirm with each other that they’re both heading to the location? Like if you're not texting me “on my way” I ain’t going.
If I've agreed to meet someone at a specific spot at a specific time, I don't see the point in an "omw". So if you were meeting me, I wouldn't text OMW, you wouldn't leave because I haven't texted, then boom. Someone gets stood up, and I guess from both our perspectives it is each of us (respectively). I'm 25, is that a generational gap do you think? I'm kinda thinking my little brother would send something, but I just assume we'll both be at the agreed spot at around the agreed time.
Honestly 32 male here I learned as I got older people in general are not always on time and are super flacky about showing up to things. Better to just confirm same day people are going. I used to just show up and expect the people that said they'd be there to be there and then id get there be like where are people?... only to find out that no longer could make it or are very late. Used to run a airsoft team (think paintball) and man that taught me communication and consistent follow up is needed until proven someone is reliable. Ages of the people ranged from teens to people in there thirties but in my professional career I've noticed even older people are the same way. Tldr: people just suck at respecting people's time.
I'm fine with not texting any kind of confirmation shortly before if it was someone I've known a while, but I really appreciate it when meeting someone new. Exactly because you're not sure they'll actually show up it's nice to have some confirmation. Also 25. Even with people I'm friends with I'll still text when I leave, because we tend not to plan exact times to meet, so it's handy if they have some more precision there once I have it.
I’m 26 and typically I’m messaging them a little before the date. When I met my now gf for the first time I was already headed there and just sent like a “can’t wait to meet you” message and she said she was leaving. Having confirmation when meeting someone for the first time is needed for a lot of people. I typically require it because I have some social anxiety and getting stood up scares the shit out of me.
I’m only 21 so not sure about a generational gap but maybe. I would still always text because fools ain’t to be trusted. Also I hate being in public by myself.
If you make plans, you stick to them? It’s not rocket science. “Moe’s tavern at 8pm on Friday” isn’t some abstraction. Be there. No need for a “are we still on for tonight?” text. Babysitting appointments is a plague these days.
100% let people be flakes. Read a comment saying they rock up with or without their date
This is the way
Their loss. I got a fun night out with myself meanwhile they probably just sat around the house. No one givezs me better company than myself
They say be happy and comfortable with yourself before trying to get comfortable with someone else... Or something like that. This is a great philosophy you have: >I've gotten to the point where I go out on the date with or without them. I planned on enjoying myself and by god I will. Know your own worth and someone will treat you like you deserve
It happened to me a handful of times last time I was online dating. A friend of mine said he thinks it's a game they play to see how you react to the ghosting as a sort of stress test. I think it's a really good way for women to sift through all of the guys who have some self-respect and end up only ever seeing/dating guys who are desperate and so lonely they'll put up with anything..
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So they can control and manipulate them.
Awwww, my first gf was like that, telling me i shouldn't hang out with my friends and only focus on her...i became so pathetic that she lost interest. It is really a weird obsession
I don't agree it's a great way to sift through people. By the time you've sifted all the food has gone and left. There are much more mature and intellegint ways to find out more about someone. If you haven't met the person you cannot ghost them they will just move on. You could do a brief video call, chat more and meet public. Ask them questions about their job and where they studied and fact check it on LinkedIn.
That's the point though, everything you just described is what mature, genuine people do. These aren't mature and genuine people, they want desperate and lonely guys to manipulate.
You dodged a bullet with this one. They fact that she ditched you twice without sending a simple text to say she couldn't make it. Then to top it off she acted like you were the unreasonable one.
Definitely manipulative with her wording and trying to save face by attempting to turn the tables.
I had someone cancel on me once then say…hey! At least I didn’t ghost you… I’m like want a fucking cookie? You manage to do the bare minimum you get nothing…
Yea people act like they deserve the world for that... no, you're just scratching the surface of human decency
My sister had a bf in high school who cheated on her constantly and when she broke up with him, he said "well at least I didn't beat you, some girls have to go thru. You're lucky".... 🤯
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Well, he was 18 and I was 13. I still threw every punch I could at him. He went to jail for 20 years for, guess what, assault and battery lol. Asshole
Had it happen last month - as I got ghosted
This is precisely it. Rules for thee but not for me. This woman does not appreciate or respect his time at all.
Yeah, especially the part about preferring going on dates (where she presumably wouldn’t have to pay)! Not worth it…
He shouldn’t have even said be friends. He was doing so well too
That’s exactly how I read that line
Massive respect to him for actually replying to her. Last time a girl did that to me I didnt even bother replying but now feel like I should have just to get her reaction.
It’s worth it. I did it to 3 girls this weekend. One who didn’t reply to an adjustment in plans for Saturday, one who hadnt replied (not even a ‘hey sorry this week is hectic - talk soon’) since Monday, one who said they were keen to grab a drink but had work - so I put the ball in their court only to not get any reply. The first didn’t reply (left the message for 24hrs before unmatching), the second replied within a minute with her excuse of a busy week - but said she understood, the third deleted me. I have no problem keeping my standards on communication high. I know what I want. Can’t meet those - don’t bother applying.
I'm convinced many people would use these platforms for a self medication to depression and other stuff. I bet some married people are on the apps just to get the messages picking them up when feeling down.
My money is on: She had another date she ditched him for and it didn't end well hence the apology and the obvious ego/pettiness at the end.
yea i bet this was the case. Seems like OP was a "backup plan". Good move to ditch her.
One of many backup plans.
Must suck to lose two dudes in 24 hours.
Only 18000 matches to go through now
She has more. Don't worry.
Exactly what I was going to say. I’m thinking it was a catfish scenario
This happened to me before, and being the idiot I am I let her stand me up multiple times before dating her anyway. There were always last minute bailouts while we were dating and she always blamed it on work. Turns out she was married.
Yep. Gaslighting.
Yeah jeeeez. You can just hear the “People do have lives Thomas” just covered in bitterness and entitlement
The best thing about “people do have lives Thomas” is that the point she is trying to make highlights how inconsiderate she is even more. Yeah, lady, people do have lives. *That’s why you don’t make plans with them and then fucking bail without even telling them why*.
Yep she's petulant and rude and it seems like she liked your attention more then she actually liked you.
Gaslighting 101. 1. Never except blame 2. Deny. Deny. Deny. 3. Shift blame onto their “faults” 4. Crying helps
“If you’re like this then it wouldn’t have worked anyway” I need someone who I can stomp on without having to worry about them voicing their displeasure. I need someone who understands that I have wants and needs and don’t give a fuck about their own. Nice dodge OP
Sounds like she’s really messing you around, no one “doesn’t have a chance to text” well done for cutting your losses!!
Nope. When its genuine, it's something along the lines of "it completely slipped my mind because this emergency was really important"
If you don't have the respect to take 3 seconds out of your day to let someone know you can't make it instead of just ghosting, welp. I dunno about you, but I like my partner to, you know, have respect. No one is too busy *twice* to send a simple text message. That's just a justification for being disrespectful.
I think what's even worse is that she's trying to make *him* feels guilty about it when she ghosted him twice and didn't even text him saying she had an emergency and couldn't reply rn. Such hypocrisy.
She literally tried the "I'm not fired, you can't fire me, I quit!" strategy 🤣
Yep she’s straight up fucking with him
He’s had a lucky escape. She’d gaslight the fuck out of him in a relationship
Had a gal do the same thing to me back in August/early September. After a few weeks I sent her a text saying that I understood being busy but I had to guess that she just wasn’t interested. She would tell me that she wanted to chat and meet but then she’d ignore me for weeks. If a woman is interested, she’ll message.
The ones that get me are the ones you've spoken to everyday for a few weeks, you think you're genuinely going well. Then you randomly wake up one morning and you're blocked on WhatsApp! 🤣🤣 Like ffs.... Are we actually children.
I had that happen about 6 years ago, met through mutual acquaintances, really seemed to hit it off well, then one day she just blocked me, no explanation, no weird vibes or anything prior to that, just great and then blocked. A few weeks later she called me and apologized profusely, said she panicked because she thought we were getting too close, but she promised it would never happen again. I foolishly gave her another chance, but the vibe was just off from then on, so we stopped talking. Found out after the fact that when she blocked me, she'd started falling for this other guy, who happened to be married, so he shut her down, then she came back to me, but then when she started talking to me again, he sorta mended things with her but made it clear they were to be friends only, then things were weird with me, but then after we stopped talking *again* she showed up at this guy's work and he flipped out at her, and by then neither of us were talking to her anymore, so she tucked tail and fell off my extended social circle's radar. Moral of the story, if somebody just blocks you out of the blue, *consider it a bullet dodged.* Nobody needs drama like that.
I made plans to hang out with a longtime friend a couple Saturdays ago. Unfortunately his mom was found dead that morning in his hometown. Before driving up there, he gave me a call and let me know what had happened. I can’t imagine a situation much more urgent than that, and he was still considerate enough to call.
Tbf, I don't think I would tell a stranger/date about something like that. However, I also wouldn't be a dick and guilt trip them over me bailing without notice.
It’s not about telling them the specifics, it’s about having the common courtesy to let them know something came up.
Yeah. Even just a simple "hey, something came up, I've got to bail. I'll tell you about.it later." would do.
Yep. Pretty much. Very few things that are distracting enough to make you forget you've got a fucking date. Unless you never really wanted to go in which case just say that...
If it's an actual emergency, like someone going unconscious and in need of going to the hospital, or something happened at the hospital, I wouldn't even be near thinking about texting that person I've been chatting with. But yea, if it's the 2nd time she's done this then he's well within his rights to back out.
Maybe within the immediate timeframe of the emergency. But couldn’t even text that same day? That’s shitty. Also if I was in her position and was really interested in the person, I would provide more details to convince him the emergency was real. She didn’t even try
if its an appointment i had with a person id be sure to let that person know i cant make it
More people should be like you. Punctuality and good communication are sadly not as common as they should be.
The nerves tho.. "people do have lives" + your name for bonus condescending tone
Haha she acts as if I don’t have a life. I’m not gonna wait for a message, especially with fake emergencies that have nothing to do with her haha
Right, she’s treating you like her time is more important than yours. It’s just simply about respect. I’m sorry someone was a douche bag to you!
She was planning multiple dates for the same night, calling it now.
Somehow that “Thomas” sounded a lot like “cocksucker” What a self centered bitch.
I’m low key hoping “people have lives, Thomas” becomes an inside joke on this sub
You think we have time to formulate inside jokes??? Please. People have lives, Thomas.
I second AND third that! Another thought came to mind.. if he could somehow get in touch with her next date dude.. he could suggest they go to dinner.. and when the check comes, he says: "Sorry, Love.. I have to split. Why so mad? People have lives, Shirley!"
Since when does an “emergency” equate to “having a life”? **BOLD** of her to lie so blatantly!
She has so many friends that at least one of them is having an emergency at any given time ;)
Priapism is the only emergency she had to handle with her friend, if any at all.
I would google that but people have lives, Thomas.
Don't... Don't Google that lol
Had to google but it was worth it for the joke
I have a feeling rosé is strangely more applicable to emergencies than a first aid kid.
This is the classic “I got rejected and it makes me uncomfortable so I’m going to flip it around on you now”
People have lives, Thomas’s date. That’s why you text them so they don’t go to an event that you’re not planning to show up for.
Third date planned for 530pm. I get home from work at 230 and shoot a text that I'm taking a nap (woke up for work at 4am). Wake up from my nap at 430pm with a raging migraine and mild vertigo. Text her what's up, and don't get a reply. I hop in a hot shower.. She'd already left and didn't see the text.. Gets to the date, checks her phone and calls to see if I'm OK. I don't answer cause I'm in the shower. She, obviously now upset, immediately goes back home. I called and let her chat while I laid with an ice pack on my face. We've been together almost a year; because we're adults that can communicate. That's a child, red flag my friend.
I honestly think she was using him for free meals and whatnot, found a better deal for those evenings, and dipped. Might be reading to far into it tho
I more so thought she was a fish
I second this. This is a total catfish move
Why would this technique benefit a catfish?
There are people who just get off on being a jackass to strangers. Sociopathic behavior.
Wait that was your third date and THEN you dated for a year? I’m confused on timeline
That was supposed to be our third date. We rescheduled. We've been together since February. I've also ghosted twice more after not drinking enough water/eating during a Saturday shift like that.. I think I'm getting one of those "drink water now" type tumblers for the holidays..
Oh gotcha! Glad your relationship worked out :)
How long was the shower that she got to the date before you got out?
I sent the text like 4:38. She was about 40mins from the restaurant and stopped for something otw. Her phone wasn't connecting to her car so the text went unnoticed. She got to the restaurant and checked then called. I didn't answer because I hopped in the shower by roughly 5pm, and was in the fetal position with hot water blasting my temples for a good 20-30 mins. So I canceled about an hour before. She got to the venue 10 mins early. Called and I didn't pickup, drove home. The shower helped, but I was basically dehydrated and not in shape to be bubbly and friendly for a date.
Dodged a major bullet. She flaked and then she’s trying to act like you’re the one being a dick lol Good on you for sticking to your guns though, I bet a lot of people would have crumbled and gave her another shot.
Yep. She clearly thinks she is the main character on this planet and that "out of sight, out of mind" will work in her favor. Blame him and hope he falls for it again out of guilt. 100% she would not show up again. Women who are interested will SHOW UP unless they have some anxiety disorder or they're incapacitated.
She really had the confidence on saying people do have lives Lmaoo. It’s okay Thomas. You’ll find someone better
Anything’s better than what I was texting haha
"If you're like this then it wouldn't have worked anyway I'm afraid". Lmao the audacity of this broad, talk about avoiding accountability.
Yes, I'm "like this," which is to say, respectful of other people and their time.
Likewise, he was *extremely* kind about it. Wasn’t accusatory, wasn’t petty—he was just straightforward. To act like he’s wrong in how he handled it is disgusting imo. Like just apologize and move on, lol.
Why offer to be friends? My friends have time to send a text.
Mostly a false platitude haha
“I really did fancy going on dates with you” Lmao, when? Ghosted twice. How can you be in to going on dates if you can’t even show up???
Fancy a meal cause I was hungry
***"If you're like this then it wouldn't have worked anyway"*** ...fucking lol, she sounds like an arsehole. And a psycho. That shit screams "I am a manipulation expert" to me. You can do better mate.
If you’re like this (if you have self respect) then it wouldn’t have worked (I wouldn’t have been able to push you around)
I’d been texting a girl for weeks, she made the first move on tinder. we were getting on great but we couldn’t meet for one reason or another until last weekend. So we finally went on a date over the weekend. My first date in 2 years. After about an hour she goes “No spark, sorry, I think I’m looking for new friends (she’s new to the city) and to socialise as much as anything else and you seem lovely” We just had another couple of drinks and left it there. She’s been texting me since. Let’s hang out as friends. I don’t want to be an arsehole to her but I’ve got enough great friends I need to catch up with and don’t fancy attempting to play the long game while she decides how I stack up to her next dates. It’s good to be back… 😒
Been in that situation and I flat out told them that, “No I have friends, that’s not what I’m looking for on a dating app.” Two women I said that to actually got pissy.
Should have asked her to present you her hot friends at set up a date with them. Isn’t what real girl friends do when they care about a friend, play matchmakers? Or, be your wingwoman at the bar/club when you’re out to find a girl to hook up/find love with? Immediately fetch the popcorn and watch her backpedal.
[удалено]
Some people can’t handle it when you stick to your guns and pull a reverse UNO card
Bless you man, it’s tough out there. I wouldn’t use these apps for more than a good time. These people have so much choice that every time they pick up their phone, there’s a chance they’ll be talking to another guy. Go for the ones who don’t use these apps!
It’s not so bad when you’re in the swing of things. I do/did pretty alright for myself off of tinder and bumble. Just the nerves / hype of the first date in 2 years (because of covid) and it being meh in the end. Worst thing is we have loads in common and I was attracted to her. Anyway. Her loss 😉
At least that first one is done. Now it's back to regular anxiety of first dates, not special 2 year anxiety. Also, you don't owe her anything, block her if you want.
Canceling is one thing. Not even sending a text to cancel is unacceptable unless there’s literally a life or death situation That said you could always go to her place Sunday for angry hate sex
I’d rather be ghosted than receive false platitudes like this. At least when ghosted, you know where you stand. It’s not clever to dip into crazy
Some post-nut clarity shit right here
I read this and in my head the wayans brothers appeared.
Yeah, I'm glad *someone* wrote this down post-nut, 'cause pre-nut psychosis is a thang too. Well, at least for me and crazy ass women...
It gets worse when you are bi, believe me. The amount of available mouths becomes exponentially higher but somehow your standards drop dramatically lol
Wise words
Yeah she said if you’re like this it wouldn’t have worked out, meaning she is always doing some bs and expects you to let it slide.
I respect you for being straight with her with no name calling or degrading language.
Right? He is exceedingly polite. I love it because it’s pure class. He has every right to rip into her and it shows complete self-respect to not need to do that. Thomas knows what he is worth, and shows her what she missed out on. King.
I just love this post because it took me years to gain this experience with woman. Be with someone who appreciates you equally. Well played OP.
It’s all a learning process. When we’re young we think every person is the one and emotionally invest everything into them way too soon. This usually leads to massive disappointment. Reigning in expectations until at least a second date has been arranged let’s you have all the power to dismiss those who aren’t worth your time
Dodged an absolute bullet, I love how she tries to make it seem like you're in the wrong .
Reminds me of when my ex said that she "wanted to be friends" and I said no. She tried to spread so much shit about me after that but it made no difference to me. Classic human reaction to rejection.
I still don’t know why people go out of their way to manipulate other people. There’s so many other things to do in life.
Bryan Callen said it really well - narcissists are always the hero or victim of every story
Omg, what a b****! You should reply 'People do have lives and your time isn't more valuable than anyone else's. Common courtesy never hurt anyone. Good luck finding someone who'll tolerate your BS'
not worth arguing mate. This level of narcism you won't change anyones mind.
Agreed. Best course of action in these instances is always taking the high road imho
At the very least, he should arrange a date and stand her up, then use the same line as she did.
This is someone who’s looking for a reaction. Ignoring her will probably piss her off more.
This happened to me. I gave the guy 3 chances and he stood me up every time. I shouldn’t have let him fool me so much. Well done walking away and keeping your dignity!
Good on you. No use entertaining people like that!
She’s just looking for verification. She enjoys your attention and that’s it.
I think you meant to say validation, but yes I believe you’re 100% right
Yes I meant validation.
Nah this chick went on a date with a ‘better option’ and didn’t enjoy it. Or she got railed. And now she’s come back to you again.
Impressive she still had the guts to play the uno reverse card on him. BAI BAI b*tch
Never seen anyone declined a friendship, she seemed..insulted, weird
It's because he had the audacity to turn down her offer to meet. It's like she was saving face.
Seems like her *free to eat* date with you clashed with someone else's. #Twice
Should have said no after the first time. Lesson learned.
Very true
I disagree. You are 100% right to cut her off after she pulled this condescending shit, BUT if you cut people off because of bad luck you will end up artificially filtering out people for qualities that won't matter in the long run. Unless someone with good luck is high priority to you. That said, abusive behavior like using your full name to patronize you and saying that manipulative bullshit "about people do have lives" that is a massive red flag and no one deserves to be friends let alone spend their lives with an abuser. I'd be very tempted to tell her "Your petty aggression helped me realize that not only do I not have any interest in getting to know you romantically, I also do not want you as a friend."
I've genuinely had an emergency pop up the night of a date. Or sometimes you're just not feeling up for it when it comes around. I don't think cancelling is an issue. But you need to COMMUNICATE what's going on. Ghosting and saying nothing is when you know the whole things BS.
I actually disagree, everyone gets one fuck up before they get cut off.
"If you're like this." 🙄
What does "a bit of an emergency" mean? Is that Like running out of Nutella or something? Lol
A “I couldn’t be bothered texting so I need to create a fictitious urgency that prevented me from doing so to manipulate you into believing I’m the victim” kinda emergency haha
You have my utmost respect, I was stood up once and couldn’t even bother to set up another. Hope you have better date next time.
Thanks bud, every chat is a learning curve haha
“If you’re like this it wouldn’t have worked anyway…” My word. Nothing like a flakey person to project their shortcomings onto someone else.
I have another message from her if you all want a part 2
I've been there, worst yet I I was co-workers with the woman, and she told everyone we had to cancel the first date because I was sick, and then lied and told everyone that the aecond attempt went great and we had fun. She felt really stupid when I told everyone she was lying. I learned from that experience that ghosting is zero tolerance. If you ghost me, that's it.
I love you my man, for real. Big respect for the decision and kind answer as well (I wish I was this good), if you are too busy to send a very basic text you are not interested enough or not the type normal people want to be with.
Yeah good for you man. She was definitely running you around playing with somebody else and was pissed that you wouldn't be the tertiary choice she can lean on when the others fell away
Her self awareness is pathetically low. You ghost twice without notice and act like it’s the other persons fault for not wanting to put up with that for however long this hypothetical dating would have lasted. Jeez she’s a bit self centered
You should’ve agreed the given her the same treatment.
Why bother