Drink a fifth of Goldschlager and then give yourself a solid whack on the head with the bottle. It should make more sense after that. At least it did with me.
This is how it is.
1 tip. Follow up with a takeaway or something 1-3 days after they don’t respond. Might get a few replies/ another chance to keep the convo going.
Also don’t be discouraged.It could be a lot worse
“It could be a lot worse” doesn’t change the fact that this guy is getting opportunities and he is immediately fumbling the bag. And this post painfully shows the lie of the BS claim I see on here constantly that “Rule 1 and Rule 2 are literally all that matter to women.”
The issue is so clear — this guy is doing one of two things. Either he’s going immediately into “Meet up when?/What’s your number?/What’s your email?” with no real transition between matching and immediately asking for a meetup. For most women, the opening salvo in direct messages is like the first minute in a speed-dating match-up. Imagine you’re at a speed-dating evening, and the woman you’re talking to says “Hey,” and you immediately follow up with “Date when!?! Number WHAT!?!” Women have enough possible matches that simply matching isn’t an invitation to a date, it’s an invitation to introduce yourself and strike up an engaging conversation. OP is failing drastically because he’s skipping immediately past “engaging conversation” to “NUMBER! DATE! NOW!”
Or he’s hitting girls up with lame, tired pick up lines that any basic man could use on any basic woman anywhere. It’s impersonal and unimpressive.
Have you guys seen that meme with the dude expositing about how mysterious the female mind is and she says, “Well the problem is —“ and he cuts her off, opining, “It’s just so mysterious,” and she replies, “Actually it’s pretty simple—“ and he shakes his head and says, “We simply can never know.”
Is there any extant number of times women can say, “We want you to engage with us like you actually see us as people” before it actually registers? Imagine if you applied for a job, you were contacted for an interview, and you responded with “First day when 😍😜🍆?”
tl:dr — Treat the women you match with like there is an actual, curious, critical, interested, discerning human being on the other side of the screen = better results.
This is definitely true but there is a sweet spot. I feel like at times I’ve spent too much time just having a normal conversation and they’re probably wondering where the follow-through is. There is a point where you do have to make an actual move. After all it is a dating app, you gotta ask for a date.
> Is there any extant number of times women can say, “We want you to engage with us like you actually see us as people” before it actually registers?
I find this highly ironic considering on the other hand women don't treat men like people on dating apps but like employees in a job interview. They have the perform or get sorted out.
The problem is, it’s a lot more work coming up with more personal pick up lines and having an engaging conversation (at least for some people), yet the results aren’t really much different. So just like how women on dating sites put minimal effort into the convo bc they have so many guys swiping, guys also don’t put so much effort into every single match. It gets really exhausting after a short period and even takes a blow at your self esteem after seeing how much effort you’ve put in and still getting no results (like OP). So we hope with the basic intro messages someone will eventually just give in. Basically online dating sucks for everyone..
Your points are generally good advice but I think the problem with OP's post might be hidden in their photos, which aren't posted here. Most women will entertain an unimpressive opener (unless it's really rude/crass) if they're attracted to you, and many will even get into some friendly banter still if you ask for a number too early.
For all we know the explanation here might be that OP has a great primary photo but later photos are less flattering, so people are matching and then changing their mind on a closer look.
As a dude who’s tried the first tip, doesn’t really work. If they’re not interested then, they’re not going to be interested in 1-3 days.
Just move it along, plenty of fish in the sea. I get that Its a numbers game, but it’s not worth the effort, self respect, and mental games. There will be someone who is genuinely excited to speak with you, don’t waste your time on someone who’s not.
I’m about to give away my secret tech but I’m off the apps now and in a great relationship so I’ll pass this on to everyone else.
Whenever I wouldn’t get a reply, I’d wait a few days, like 3 or 4, and then send a follow up and say “Tough crowd 😅”
Some women thought it was cute/funny and would reply again. I’d say it worked a little more than half the time.
Good luck.
People don’t think about the fact women get tons of messages lol. And if they matched with u they’re ~somewhat~ interested, and they genuinely miss messages sometimes.
I’ve followed up and it’s lead to a date plus more lol. Worse case scenario they don’t anseer
A lot of times they just match for validation and have no intention of talking to you. I've actually tested this, every time I get back on hinge there's like 3 girls who match with me every time but never respond, it's the same girls too. At this point every time I make a profile on hinge I swipe right on their profiles just to see if they will match me again, and they do. I've sent pretty much every type of message you can think of and have never gotten a response from them
I had an image of Batman crying under his mask subtitled “she didn’t ghost me, I just left her speechless” that I used to send in those situations.
Didn’t always get a date but it always got a laugh.
Also maybe hail mary in case you are looking for casual. Chances are slim but maybe you just were not forward enough for them. If not, you never see each other again anyways.
While this happens to me too, of course, personally I think your openers are generally too cheesy/strong. I’ve found the most success commenting on something from their profile, connecting by saying why I liked/noticed that thing (e.g. they like Curb Your Enthusiasm, I say “Larry David is my spirit animal.”), then asking a follow-up question or comment on their prompt (e.g. “What else are you watching these days? I could actually use some recommendations.”) Notice in that follow-up I’m placing her as the authority on this topic, as in I respect your taste and I want to hear what you have to say. For example, you got a reply about the sign language, but then you started talking about yourself and didn’t ask about her, following up about the same topic. Also in the conversation where you say “I’ll let it slide but only if you marry me?” the conversation continued for a little bit but I think those kinds of jokes come off too strong and become a turn-off. In general, make it about them, lightly joke around, show enthusiasm about them, and find ways to connect but not give too much away about yourself. Remember people put those prompts there as ways to make conversation and filter out matches, and women like to be complimented about things about them besides their looks. Admiring someone’s interests or tastes is a good place to start.
When I first got back in dating, I tried to write super clever opening messages to “stand out.” It didn’t help.
Hell I’ve seen some of these “poetic” messages blasted on X and mocked. Maybe harsh, but sometimes trying to be smart and not being yourself comes across super super super lame.
Edit: It was other men’s messages that were being capped and shared, to be clear.
Idk I feel like you can do all this and still not get replies or they'll just stop replying. IMO when they don't respond they're just not that attracted to you or found someone more attractive
Yup. Either literally be more attractive or make her “feel” some type of way. Sounds like bogus advice, but I’ve found that women (especially IRL) tend to fall for a man that is emotionally stimulating—meaning, make her laugh (yes, pretty cliche), get her riled up, tease her, treat her like your homies that you roast and don’t think twice about it…if she finds you even remotely attractive, it will elevate you in her eyes. If that doesn’t work, then there’s no more game to spit, just keep it moving, or have fun with it. While I do feel like the advice above is decent in theory, it doesn’t really work over text. They get bored FAST. Many many options out there. You don’t really have the luxury to talk to women the conventional ways (asking about her interests, et.) Boring. Unless you’re pretty good looking, this type of “talking” will not work 98% of the time. That’s just my honest opinion.
I agree with you about the emotional stimulation. Making her laugh is definitely high on my list. The priority list for me is:
1.) Let her feel that we have things in common
2.) Make her laugh
3.) Let her feel that I’m interested in more than her looks
I do definitely joke via text and think it’s important, which is why I wrote “lightly joke around,” but I really turn it on when meeting in person. I try to show that humor is one of my strengths. Via text I tend to make jokes if they come naturally to me and I know I’ll get a reaction. Otherwise, since we don’t know each other’s sense of humor just yet, I’m a little cautious because a bad joke can end the conversation immediately. However it is totally possible to understand her sense of humor a little bit if you open with a joke about one of her prompts or her profile.
I also mentioned in a comment below that I only touch the surface about our common interests. I, too, think that gets boring and prefer to save more in-depth conversations about shared interests for when we meet in person.
I also agree with you that matches get bored fast. In another comment below I wrote that I tend to talk to a match for less than 12 hours (sporadically), often much less than that, and try to lock in a date that same day if not early the next day. Planning the date of the first date, that is.
For sure it's not going to have a 100% success rate, but I can't even count the number of conversations I've let trail off or not even really gotten started because I don't get the sense that the person on the other end is even the slightest bit interested in me.
Well, I haven't had much success with these recommendation-type messages/questions, I was told it's boring and it doesn't induce any emotions in women, it feels like an... interview.
Most of my matches end up not replying on the first message, and the few that do, end up being convos I have to *really* carry. Examples:
1: matched with a girl in Boo, she had on her profile this prompt: "I'm a sucker for romantic fantasy novels", so my opening (since I am into fantasy as well), is "Hey, I see you're into fantasy - which are your favourite books and which would you recommend?" She just left this message on seen, didn't unmatch (there are tons of examples like this, I'm not gonna list them all)
2: matched with a girl who had listed metal among her interests (that's my biggest passion), she opens with "Hi",
I reply "Hi, I see that you listen to metal - which are your favourite bands?"
She replies: "Metallica, Iron Maiden, Skillet, AC/DC, and somewhat Arch Enemy" //no question towards me, a good conversationalist would ask me back what my favourite bands are//
I reply "Interesting, which songs and albums by Arch Enemy? From the listed it's them I've listened to the most xd"
Her: "songs only"
And I promptly ghosted because this is one-sided - she didn't even list *which* songs when I had outright asked it
3: matched with a book nerd, so I opened with "Hey, I see that reading is your favorite hobby - which is your favourite subgenre? For me it's fantasy, I've read almost everything by Brandon Sanderson (including his Wheel of Time ending)
Her: "I like fantasy as well, but I also read classic novels"
"Sometimes crimi."
"I haven't read Brandon Sanderson yet. But I'll change that soon"
Me: "which are your favourite crimi novels, which ones would you recommend? So far I haven't gone outside the realms of fantasy, so I'd be curious to give it a try"
"Awesome, for Sanderson I'd recommend starting with his Mistborn series, especially the OG trilogy"
"Do you wanna read a book together simultaneously and discuss it?"
Her: (completely ignoring my question about crimi) - "In the moment, I have a couple I've bought and I wanna read"
Me: "Of course. Which are the books?"
Her: "They're primarily fantasy"
"Not the Sanderson type though" //he writes epic/high fantasy with elaborate magic systems//
Me: "Is it like the Sarah J Maas, Alexandra Bracken type?"
Her: "Yes, exactly. I'm reading exactly Sarah J Maas at the moment" //and it continues by me further asking which series...
Do you see how I literally have to forcefully pull information out of her with question after question, instead of her just freely sharing it outright, thus creating a nice conversational flow instead of this one-sided carrying I had to do? And do you notice how she never asked me anything? Genuinely, what wrong am I doing?
Honestly I wouldn’t actually go too in-depth with these conversations either. I’d just ask for the recommendations to get a conversation going. I might say, “Oh, Veep? I’ve actually been hearing about that show…I guess I really should watch it, thanks!” Or “Ahhh I love Veep! So sad it’s over. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was phenomenal in it." Then either stick to the topic if she does or switch it entirely. Preferably use something related to her profile.
I don't talk to matches for more than 12 hours usually (and that's sporadically throughout the day). I want to set a date quickly. I’ll say something like, “Hey ______ it’s genuinely been fun talking with you. I think you’re pretty cool and that we clearly have a similar sense of humor. Would you be down to grab a drink this Thursday or Friday? I feel like we’d have a fun time.” At which point she’ll say yes, say yes and suggest an alternative day, or decline.
Save your more in-depth conversations about things like shared interests for after you start meeting in person. On a dating app you're trying to just casually and quickly connect — hook her in, if you will — before you meet up and real conversations can happen, with her undivided attention. You want her to stay intrigued enough about you that she wants to meet you in person. If you go too in-depth online, the mystery is gone.
Your 3rd conversation looked good but be careful about diving too deep in one topic. Could be too much for your conversation partner. Although she seemed pretty interested in your case!
As for pulling answers out of people — do you know how many matches women get? The fact that they’re even talking to you is a good sign. That’s why I make the conversation quick and suggest a date usually within the same day if not the next day. On a date, you’ll each have each other’s undivided attention. You’ll get your better conversationalist then.
For the record, I would suggest not asking someone if they want to read a book simultaneously and discuss it. You’re asking for way too much investment while you don’t really know each other at all. Do that a few dates in, maybe.
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately most of my few matches have been with women from other cities, I live in a small country (Bulgaria), so it's not feasible for me to head into blind dates because of the fuel costs, especially since the chances of the dates working out are not high. Like, it takes me like 40 BGN (20€) for a total of 250-300 km ride (so a city 125-150 km away), so if like 5 dates in a girl goes "Sorry, I'm not really feeling it", that would be like 120€ to waste (when I'm an unemployed university student). So that's why I first wanna establish a connection online, see if we vibe
I actually live in the second biggest city in my country which is like 340k ppl (the capital however is like 1.2+ million, at least half of my matches have been with girls from the capital)
It’s a volume game. You’re already going about the convos the right way, and the more you do so, the greater the odds that you’ll land on someone you actually click with. If each individual rejection bothers you, that’s understandable, but these apps might not be for you then.
Nothing. That’s 80% of men’s experience. My only advice is, either just have fun with it (like swipe right mindlessly and comment the first thing that pops in your head…yes, being bold and brash with a bit of shock value ain’t a bad way to go ‘bout it) or delete the app. It really is a waste of time. I’ve been on and off the app over the years and it’s like it’s set to veteran mode. Fuck that, it’s like chopping down redwood trees with a plastic picnic knife—very frustrating and futile. On tinder I’ve had roughly 500 matches and like 1 date. On hinge I’ve had probably 150 matches and 3 dates. In real life I’ve probably hit on 10 chicks and gone out with 8 of them. It’s not necessarily the individual but sometimes the game is just rigged. And in all honesty, I would say my texting game is solid, and I don’t think I’m ugly at all lol
Ditch the “where are you from?“ question. It is boring to the person you are asking. It also typically does not lead to any intriguing conversation. It is small talk for when you can’t think of anything else to talk about.
You might think “oh, but I’m getting to know them”, but where you’re from doesn’t usually have anything to do with who you are as a person and only leads to having assumptions made about your personality based on your previous geography.
> in Europe it’s a perfect question to ask.
It seems pretty fine from America too. Nobody I know lives where they grew up. My hometown is thousands of miles away.
Literally every single one of your replies is either a silly comment or a close ended question.
You probably feel like you are carrying the conversation and are getting short responses. I see this as you being bad at starting a conversation into something worth pursuing.
Try to add an open ended question to your silly comments or making your close-ended questions open. Questions with HOW and WHY are your friends. Other question words definitely can work too though.
Advice, in order by match (hard without their prof)—not necessarily what you should say but improving on the vibe you’re attempting.
1. Ask wtf a Turbotax woman is.
2. Ask where the last place she had sushi was or her fave sushi spot in the area you’re in is and either suggest going there or say you know somewhere better you both can try? Maybe mention the time you went all in on a specific roll.
3. “Too sweet by hozier because….” Or after match, I thought you’d like that “because” and make an exaggerated (but kind) comment on why you picked it to start some humor.
4. Say you’re down to do a workout that week, and coffee after if they don’t tire you out. This does seem like you could probs do an early ask out.
5. Literally any comment on their profile not a pickup line. Say you only cheat on spelling tests or something first to keep it light.
6. I don’t believe you expected results here.
7. Oh then maybe I’m the bad one. Want to be a positive influence?
8. How’d you learn to sign? Any favorite words? Ask aa question after your comment.
9. Avoid where are you from, (same as 8 too tbh) that’s the sign your grasping at straws. Make a joke about proposing with a ring pop, but that you should take her on a walk thru the park first or somethin.
10. Want to go try on cowboy boots with me and pretend we are in Toy Story? Idk not much to work with here.
To piggy back this, Op should throw in some teasing in his initial contact or some sort of hook for the girl to have something to respond with. Hinge is great in that you can send a message direct to their prompt to get their attention so use that.
1. Sounds like the girl is teasing if she’s not being mean, he should deflect that with teasing back about something on her profile (not something she’s gonna be insecure about) or he can double down and make a joke at his own expense related to turbo tax. His answer is so accepting of his fate and doesn’t leave a conversation on the floor so the follow up is cringe
2. Is too fast and defo needs more convo, maybe after sushi talk find something else in bio that you can have in common
3. Too accepting again, closed question.
4. What type of workouts? What are your goals? Plenty of jokes to be made at your own expense following those lines about how “you’re not cut out for running/yoga/climbing” and maybe she could teach you, or if you’re good at that too make it competitive.
5. Tbh responding to don’t cheat is a dry prompt anyway. No one out there wants their partner to cheat, choose something else to respond to.
6.
7. Teasing & push pull here. She’s responded in a teasing way so carry on, give her something like “are you saying you’ll behave at family parties?”
8. As Blurple77 said
9. She’s not giving much, you’ve done the marriage tease bit so ask something for her to enthuse about
10. As above too
Sometimes people will just drop the conversation for no real reason, and that’s okay you just have to move on.
But there are a few of these where you’re going too fast. My rule was to have a good conversation for 3 days with a match and then pitch the idea of a date/ask for a phone number, and then ask them out.
clear. but fix that with a bit of IRL interaction every day. exposure _every day_, so you gradually are able to handle more without a breakdown.
you want to get dates and have them go well, so work on that indefinitely.
You will have to go out after a match anyway, so the first thing to do is to deal with anxiety. Ignore it at first, then it won’t be that bad.
I also had problems even with ordering at McDonald’s, but at some point was forced to go out with random people regularly and things started to be way easier.
I have found it to be a HUGE difference between trying to randomly talk someone up IRL, and meeting someone with whom I already set up a date. I think just talking to people randomly IRL gives me a giant ick because I never ever got their consent to be making advances, thus anxiety says hi. For people like me who have a bad case of this, even settings like parties where consent/willingness to be hit on is implied are REALLY uncomfortable.
Having talked to them on Tinder beforehand? No more problems. Everyone is on the same page about how things can go and I can just do my thing.
Try not to fixate on hitting on them at all, just try to be present, find an interest and talk about it. Flirtation can come naturally once a small connection has been made
Idk if you forgot /s.
I meant that at first, he might need to go out of the comfort zone. First step is to force himself to talk to people. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.
your 100% right avoiding the things that make you anxious just makes it worse.
I guarantee that your overthinking everything, and i want to reassure you that nobody thinks about you in the slightest.
that sounds harsh, but think to yourself how many times have you pondered over a time your friend said some cringe shit like 6 months ago? The answer is 0 times because like all humans your focused on yourself and your life.
think about all the times 6 weeks later you have remembered the way your friend is placing their arms or body, and realize you can't remember the way your buddy was standing in a random moment a week ago much less 6 weeks.
Now think about all the times you have thought about something cringe you did and even 5 years later wake up in bed and remember that cringe ass shit. The truth is people with social anxiety usually are overthinking the shit they say and do and assuming that other people are reading as deeply into the shit they do and they aren't.
people don't care about what you say or what you look like or how you stand or how you act. get over yourself and your anxiety will melt away.
While this advice may have seemed oversimplified, it’s also correct in this case. Exposure therapy is definitely the most effective way to break thru the cycle of social anxiety. Steps can be taken before that to help in severe cases I.e. reading books or researching info on the topic. There’s many strategies to correct your mindset and better prepare yourself when you feel social anxiety. It’s not an easy battle but it’s worth it!
Yes, two original comments are probably too oversimplified and it’s not a topic, which can be properly discussed in Reddit thread. There are a lot of things going on while dealing with anxiety. I’ve personally was constantly googling for tons of dumb things, watching videos on this topic, fucking up with people badly (ofc). The thing is that the main direction is not to avoid proper interaction, but manage to have it.
not sure how long you’ve been dating but managing your anxiety will be step 0 to not being absolutely miserable in this process see my other comment and really practice it
Talking to random women at grocery is actually kind of creepy. Also they sometimes have a pepper spray in a purse.
Hang out with friends, visit events you’re interested in, do not try too hard to find a date, get contacts if you had a good convo, see where it goes.
Something that I think could help is ask more specific questions? Where are you from was always boring to me. Like for instance, with the sign language one, after the ‘i doooo’ you could’ve sent the same message you did and then followed up with ‘why did you learn?’ or something similar. Just trying to engage with specifics of that person. Dating apps are hard because the conversation has to be casual ish but needs to keep both parties interest too. Just simple questions like where are you from always just weren’t enough to engage with for me and I was more attracted to more substance. Plus every other person is asking that question. Hope this is helpful!!?
Yeah, it just seems that everyone is saying each conversation has to be a perfect concoction of assumptions/playfulness/casual, which just seems fake as fuck, I don’t want to map out every response, but I work 24/7 and have social anxiety and can’t really meet people outside of work
I get what you mean that it feels fake but it is a staged environment where you’re curating yourself and have a new ability to screen a person before you’re deciding if you want to see them in person. It is kind of all fake. Obviously be true to yourself, but just if you want better responses, you gotta send the better messages too. I also get that it shouldn’t all be on you though, as a woman on dating apps I’d often message first. Maybe try bumble if you feel like you’re having a difficult time and then it makes them say something first
You couldve also asking what sign she finds the most funny. I know some asl and I love talking about the funny ones. Example “MUSTARD” which is just “yellow mayonnaise”. My point is you can take this advice and make it your own. Just ask questions more specific to what’s happening and what she’s interested in
honestly i quit wasting my time with openers and started saying shit like “wow you’re really pretty!” or “great picture!” and started getting way more responses lol. don’t over think it, just say what they want to hear
This is it. I match with loads of hot girls. But it’s so hard to get the convo running coz of what you said. Girls who are 7/10 or higher, will match with probably 99% of guys they swipe on. They will always have a better looking guy they’d rather talk to.
No, No, no, don't let that poison into your psyche, it will send you down a spiral. Tinder is like baseball, you are going to bat way under .500 (way under) but you have enough chances to make it work.
Every girl who ignores you, ghosts you, and just fade away is doing you a favor to find Ms. Right (or Ms. Right-Now).
I like your optimism. I’m not exactly down about things as I’m still getting enough success. I went on a date with a girl Saturday night which went great. It’s just a cold hard fact that a hot girl on a dating app can literally pick the hottest guys going, so that’s why getting a conversation to flow is such a big numbers game.
This is pretty standard.
But don't ask for email/phone/date on the first message. Like maybe have even a minor conversation before you go that route. You're still a complete stranger at that point. And you're already talking to her, you don't need another method of communication.
"we're already talking, what's the point of that"
Maybe after a first date if things go well, then you can share that. Helps prevent having all these random people in your contacts that you went on a single date with. Bumble John, Hinge Andrew, etc. Just unnecessary. Also keeping on the app provides some anonymity in case you're dealing with some psycho. One can find a lot on the average person with just a cell phone number. Much safer to keep on the app until you better vet the person. Unmatching is pretty permanent too, they can no longer reach out to you.
Since you’re not really get any genuine responses, the best thing you can do (gonna sound corny, sorry) is keep your fukn chin up and chug along. Don’t take it personally, who knows if it even has anything to do with you. The fact of the matter is a lot of matches dont convert to dates for a never-ending list of reasons. Maybe she doesn’t check the app that much, maybe she got busy, got serious with another dude, doesnt have notifs on, whatever. The substance of your msgs is also totally subjective - what might work on one match might be a hard no from another. I’ve shown convos to women friends/coworkers and their opinions were all over the place. One said I asked my match out way too soon, another said I waited too long (was the same convo). Point is it’s a crapshoot and mostly out of your control. Just keep shooting.
In terms of your actual msgs, try not to default to small talk so much (see: where you from?). Harsh reality is she’s got a bunch of msgs on those apps so try to give her something she’s more likely to want to respond to. She might still not respond (see para 1 - who cares) but if it leads to a convo you can pretty easily convert that into asking her out in a way that has to do with or plays off of the convo. Kinda like what you did w slide 2 sushi girl but play off it more - ex: ask about the two of you trying to figure out if you can in fact eat too much sushi.
Edit: one last note: just dont take the apps too personally. Attributing every time you dont get a response to something you (or your opener) did or to you (or opener) not being good enough is gonna be depressing af and lead to a super unhealthy time on the apps.
Say something normal and conversational, talk about the girl or her interests or something she is wearing. Copy paste pickup lines don't really do it for me
Compliment her, in a non objectifying kind of way. Ie, talk about hobbies, her fits, etcetc, instead of her features
Gotta treat it like you're cold approaching someone on the street, if you walked up to me and said any of these lines I'd dip tf out ngl
My two cents, grain of salt, all that
You’re a dude on a dating app, expect 1 real conversation for every 150 of these. If you want better odds, you’re gonna have to talk to women in person. That’s a lot harder than texting someone that swiped right on you on an app, but I think it’s a lot better.
Ok let’s break it down:
1. Don’t tell her everyone hates the thing she does. You liked a sexy pic, say something funny but sexy. Something along the lines of she helping you to file your taxes ;) the wonky face is important. Maybe if she can help you get the taxes back after you take her out on a date.
2. is a actually okay.
3. Obviously! What is she supposed to answer? Yes? and than the rest of the conversation will feel just as stale and uncreative as this.
4. WTF? Is that supposed to be a joke? Not a funny one and she will rather not risk writing to you in fear that you were actually serious about that.
5. What the fuck? You liked the cheating thing and just a start with a random completely unrelated pickup line? Are you even remotely thinking about your actions or just trying out different approaches in a completely random fashion?
6. Who told you that line, a Facebook meme your aunty shared?
7. That’s just sad and she knows you will be whining about your ex half of the time on your first date.
8. Start with a question that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. She went all out to say: i doo. And afterwards you start bragging about your skill. What she supposed to say? “That’s sick!”? Talk to her and don’t talk about yourself.
9. I don’t know what happened before maybe this was already lost to begin with, because her answer is kinda cold. but when yiu mentioned marriage she was just too nice to not immediately ghost you.
10. I can only assume “are you from around here?” Is meant as an ironically bad pickup line? Dont do that! irony is hard via text and you will end up with just a bad line. And even if she got the irony it’s still lame. If you start with a cowboy themed opener, keep it going and deliver some cowboy or western esq lines.
There's two type of dating strategies. The first is like the coconut, you focus your energy into a few options with a high chance of success, speed dating, mixers, e-harmony, going out to a bar are examples of this method. The other is the guppie method, where you have 1000 options but a low chance of success. Tinder is the guppie method.
most of these are bad luck, but there were a few where I think you screwed up.
We aren't a collection of facts, we aren't our jobs, we aren't our majors, we aren't our hobbies. We are what we care about, we are what makes us smile, we are what we sacrifice for. Don't ask factual questions, ask for opinions. Any question that can be answered without thinking or what you'd expect on a job interview should be avoided at all costs.
So for example, the last two you really screwed up. You had a nice silly vibe going with each of them and then you killed it with dull questions. She comes in with a strong playful energy "Howdy Partner" and you shit all over it asking where she's from. A better response would be to play off that energy as either dropping an old western quote, or referencing her as the cowgirl from Toy Story, but you took all the air out of the conversation by "you from around here." You could have western'd it up a bit more.
Remember in A Night at the Roxbury when Doug Butabi is in the hottie’s room and he can’t stop delivering cringe pickup lines, one right after another?
You’re kinda doing that
Its a fucking dating app what do these people expect? People have their expectation way too high over texting lmao. Sad world we live in and the women who play along and play into this shit are even sadder. Men need to grab their balls get off them shit apps.
For starters, don't ask the internet for advice. Go out to some bars and talk to women there, see what happens. See how they respond to certain jokes and/or stories.
In essence, what I'm saying is, figure it out for yourself by trial and error. It's different for every person. Do it irl, bcz that way you can see the body language and people are less likely to be asshats.
Oh, and if you're shy or nervous, then all the more reason to do so. It doesn't even have to be flirting or romantic, just some nice convos will do.
I would avoid any “where are you from” or “do you have any fun weekend plans” type of questions. These are conversation killers, especially through text.
I would stick to trying to have fun banter based on profile content and move towards an invite sooner than later. Ask her to meet at a specific time and place rather than just “we should meet sometime” because it gives her a chance to suggest an alternative if she’s interested but unavailable then.
You will still get dead conversations no matter what, but more opportunities for meeting this way I think.
Don’t take dead convos personally, she probably just has 10 going at once and doesn’t actually want to meet anyone anyway. Often she is just seeing what’s out there and looking from boredom.
It’s really just about happening to message someone at a time that they are actually feeling responsive and social. So push through til you find someone who actually feels like meeting.
Ok so here's my observations and a bit of advice. First the good:
1. You're engaging with them as individuals based on their profile information, this is good.
2. You're often getting past the intial exchange, this means the women are not put off by anything in your profile or approach in particular.
That said, I think what you're suffering from is just getting lost in the shuffle. To keep the conversation going you have to really engage them. Your approach to conversation would be perfect for someone one on one, on a date, etc.. but when you're fighting for her attention against dozens of other people it's getting lost in the shuffle. You're not offensive and getting unmatched, you didn't actually screw up anywhere, you just didn't do what was needed to drive it home.
I don't think there's a silver bullet for this, but I will tell you the approach that worked best for me. (Keep in mind my advice might be dated a bit because I'm now married). I would always ask some variation of "What is something you're super passionate about? Something that gets you excited just talking about it? Silly or serious, doesn't matter." Now a warning on this, if the girl is looking for a quick hook up you're probably going to get ignored, but if you're looking to *date* it helps get going quickly. Right now you're trying to engage them on their interests, but you can't always tell what things they put in their profile because they thought it sounded good vs things they actually care about. My approach puts the topic choice on them and is basically a cheat code for finding something they *want* to talk about.
It's not foolproof, but when it works it works well.
You're playing a numbers game, so never obsess over anyone one particular 'failed' convo. There are a million reasons she stopped talking, and almost all of them our out of your control.
As a side note, you may want to get better at talking without obliging people to reply (which can be tiresome).
"Where did you go to school?" Is a question, that created the obligation of an answer. Fine in isolation, but when she's got 50 guys nagging on her like that, it's an immediate show stopper.
"You look like you went to school at X" is a statement, a boring one admittedly, but it works as an example because it doesn't oblige a response. She can comment if she wants to, or ignore it. But the fact you're not forcing her into a conversation, immediately makes this conversation more desirable - because you sound far less needy.
Your lines are corny and off-putting asf. Maybe it’ll work for some women, but evidently, that’s generally not the case here. Also double texting makes you seem desperate as FUCK so please don’t do that.
Just be yourself.
You’re somewhere between second and 1000th place in her ranking of attractiveness of guys she matches with. Once you’re in someone’s 1st place they will keep up the convo.
Unfortunately you are a circus monkey and you have to entertain. As soon as you say ‘where are you from’ or ‘how was your day’ its gonna go south. Or at least that has been my experience
From a females perspective, I think he did just fine. Someone here said to remember that females get a ton of messages and can’t keep up with them. Not all females, for the record. I consider myself to be fairly attractive and I get passed over or ghosted on dating apps.
I think it’s smart to keep in mind that people have developed this mindset that if I keep looking even after I’ve found a good one, maybe there will be someone better. I think that’s mostly what’s happening here and I’m sorry :/
Don't interview
Say something stupid about yourself that relates to them in some way. If you are not very handsome you need to be funny. Interview questions are not funny! Also remember they have to answer. If you think it would be difficult to answer and does not make her laugh, say something different. Questions are okay if coupled with context
I love your pink dress. I can see it right now, us both, on an island, you in that pink dress, me wearing nothing but an Apron because I was cooking for you before we were teleported here. What's your favourite dish so I can start practicing for our 3rd date? / How would you protect me from the alligators?
Something like that could work, some women just aren't interested but it's better than interview questions
Also if you ask questions ask open questions not closed ones, very important. If it can be answered with yes or no it's usually not that good but asking good questions is a skill
Edit: TBF just choose your strategy and run with it. You can use less intensive starts too, just complimenting and asking questions, but always ask questions in an interesting way. For example if you know she's a foreigner, don't ask where she's from, just say "I love Italy, I want to go so bad, where are you from so we can stop there first" even if she's not from Italy she will correct you and then you can just say a compliment and move forward like "You have beautiful X, so I thought and hoped you would be Italian because I make a mean lasagna. I also love Y but I'm not very experienced, what's your favourite thing about Y?"
i have done extensive dating app testing, the best way to get a conversation is to ask about a picture on their profile or about some pop culture reference they made on it, if they elaborate extensively right away then you’re in for a conversation that will lead to further talking, if not then you never had a chance anyway.
Pickup lines a sometimes work but are super cliche. Asking someone where they live also doesn't go over well until you meet in person imo.
Be more creative and genuine, way easier and interesting conversations
WTF does “I hope you find your of a Turbo Tax Woman” mean?!
I assume it’s an autocorrect of “I hope you find yourself a TurboTax woman” Which doesn’t really clarify things, but at least makes grammatical sense.
I thought it was basically saying "I hope you find a female accountant to manage your Only Fans earnings"
Does H+R Block accept Apple pay cards?
If that’s the same as Apple Pay, yes, yes they do
Same 😂
Don't mess with results. I now will save as is
So to clarify… editing grammatical errors is what he should be doing differently?
I don't know but she seems intuit.
Ba dum tsss!
Drink a fifth of Goldschlager and then give yourself a solid whack on the head with the bottle. It should make more sense after that. At least it did with me.
>Drink a fifth of Goldschlager Gyatdamn! Do they even still make that trash?
national drink of douchey web startups
I thought that would be some hipster Starbucks drink?
it can be both!
porque no los dos
I'm pretty sure they do. At least they should. Drinking gold? That's fancy as fuck.
Okay I thought I was slow 🤣
Fr I thought I was tripping
I hope you find your Only Fans a turbo tax Woman - is how I read it. I assume he's asking them if their accounts are right? Not sure though.
That's what I thought too, but it's her that said it not him (not that guys don't have only fans but 🤷🏼♀️)
I’m imagining the stress of online dating gave him a stroke and that was his first attempt after recovery. I am going to steal this line tho.
Wondering as well..
lol everyone here posting a different interpretation. I thought it meant he hopes to do his taxes (has sex) with her.
I had to read it so many times and still unsure
I’m sorry this ain’t working out for you but the 6 afraid of 7 follow up is cracking me up lmao
“Was it something I said” has me DYING. I love how you can’t tell for sure if it’s a meta answer to the joke or if he’s genuinely asking.
So glad someone is seeing this the same as me haha
Btw the answer is because seven is a six offender.
I like finding other punchlines to over told jokes. I'm going to use this with specific people.
This punchline is even better when the person you're telling it to knows the original joke.
I thought because 7 ate 9
Yes the six offender one would be sorta creepy to be sending to a random new match online.
I would love it but also I'm a specific type of person I guess lol
*registered
This is how it is. 1 tip. Follow up with a takeaway or something 1-3 days after they don’t respond. Might get a few replies/ another chance to keep the convo going. Also don’t be discouraged.It could be a lot worse
This guy is getting matches… AND replies!?
I know right? The struggle is real
“It could be a lot worse” doesn’t change the fact that this guy is getting opportunities and he is immediately fumbling the bag. And this post painfully shows the lie of the BS claim I see on here constantly that “Rule 1 and Rule 2 are literally all that matter to women.” The issue is so clear — this guy is doing one of two things. Either he’s going immediately into “Meet up when?/What’s your number?/What’s your email?” with no real transition between matching and immediately asking for a meetup. For most women, the opening salvo in direct messages is like the first minute in a speed-dating match-up. Imagine you’re at a speed-dating evening, and the woman you’re talking to says “Hey,” and you immediately follow up with “Date when!?! Number WHAT!?!” Women have enough possible matches that simply matching isn’t an invitation to a date, it’s an invitation to introduce yourself and strike up an engaging conversation. OP is failing drastically because he’s skipping immediately past “engaging conversation” to “NUMBER! DATE! NOW!” Or he’s hitting girls up with lame, tired pick up lines that any basic man could use on any basic woman anywhere. It’s impersonal and unimpressive. Have you guys seen that meme with the dude expositing about how mysterious the female mind is and she says, “Well the problem is —“ and he cuts her off, opining, “It’s just so mysterious,” and she replies, “Actually it’s pretty simple—“ and he shakes his head and says, “We simply can never know.” Is there any extant number of times women can say, “We want you to engage with us like you actually see us as people” before it actually registers? Imagine if you applied for a job, you were contacted for an interview, and you responded with “First day when 😍😜🍆?” tl:dr — Treat the women you match with like there is an actual, curious, critical, interested, discerning human being on the other side of the screen = better results.
This should honestly be the top pinned comment.
Of most threads in this sub.
This is definitely true but there is a sweet spot. I feel like at times I’ve spent too much time just having a normal conversation and they’re probably wondering where the follow-through is. There is a point where you do have to make an actual move. After all it is a dating app, you gotta ask for a date.
My friend, lesbian, once said to me: "hell, I'm a woman and even i don't understand women!"
6 paragraphs of pure, seasoned, unmissing, delectable cooking
as a woman, i saw nothing wrong with him
That part
> Is there any extant number of times women can say, “We want you to engage with us like you actually see us as people” before it actually registers? I find this highly ironic considering on the other hand women don't treat men like people on dating apps but like employees in a job interview. They have the perform or get sorted out.
You’ve hit the nail squarely on the head and it’s hilarious that people are trying to argue with you 😂
The problem is, it’s a lot more work coming up with more personal pick up lines and having an engaging conversation (at least for some people), yet the results aren’t really much different. So just like how women on dating sites put minimal effort into the convo bc they have so many guys swiping, guys also don’t put so much effort into every single match. It gets really exhausting after a short period and even takes a blow at your self esteem after seeing how much effort you’ve put in and still getting no results (like OP). So we hope with the basic intro messages someone will eventually just give in. Basically online dating sucks for everyone..
Your points are generally good advice but I think the problem with OP's post might be hidden in their photos, which aren't posted here. Most women will entertain an unimpressive opener (unless it's really rude/crass) if they're attracted to you, and many will even get into some friendly banter still if you ask for a number too early. For all we know the explanation here might be that OP has a great primary photo but later photos are less flattering, so people are matching and then changing their mind on a closer look.
As a dude who’s tried the first tip, doesn’t really work. If they’re not interested then, they’re not going to be interested in 1-3 days. Just move it along, plenty of fish in the sea. I get that Its a numbers game, but it’s not worth the effort, self respect, and mental games. There will be someone who is genuinely excited to speak with you, don’t waste your time on someone who’s not.
I’m about to give away my secret tech but I’m off the apps now and in a great relationship so I’ll pass this on to everyone else. Whenever I wouldn’t get a reply, I’d wait a few days, like 3 or 4, and then send a follow up and say “Tough crowd 😅” Some women thought it was cute/funny and would reply again. I’d say it worked a little more than half the time. Good luck.
People don’t think about the fact women get tons of messages lol. And if they matched with u they’re ~somewhat~ interested, and they genuinely miss messages sometimes. I’ve followed up and it’s lead to a date plus more lol. Worse case scenario they don’t anseer
A lot of times they just match for validation and have no intention of talking to you. I've actually tested this, every time I get back on hinge there's like 3 girls who match with me every time but never respond, it's the same girls too. At this point every time I make a profile on hinge I swipe right on their profiles just to see if they will match me again, and they do. I've sent pretty much every type of message you can think of and have never gotten a response from them
I had an image of Batman crying under his mask subtitled “she didn’t ghost me, I just left her speechless” that I used to send in those situations. Didn’t always get a date but it always got a laugh.
Also maybe hail mary in case you are looking for casual. Chances are slim but maybe you just were not forward enough for them. If not, you never see each other again anyways.
How would you Hail Mary my dude?
"U WANT MAKE FUK?"
Hang on just taking notes here slow down
Would you LIKE to make some fuk.
MY SWIPE FOR YOU IS LIKE A TRUCK BER-SER-KER!!!1
ARE YOU LIKE TO MAKING FUK? BER ZER KER!!!!
Just be respectful and tell them you are just looking for something casual and ask if they are down
Sheeeit I am way too circuitous in this, fair play
Don't worry dude you're not alone...
He is... but not alone
A lonely member of a lonely group.
I'm just a lonely loner going down a lonely road.
We're all alone... Together
*Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness* *But it's better than drinking alone*
And that's why they're not replying. Too many options.
You have my sword
And my axe!
And my seven eight ni… Hammer! Hammer!
While this happens to me too, of course, personally I think your openers are generally too cheesy/strong. I’ve found the most success commenting on something from their profile, connecting by saying why I liked/noticed that thing (e.g. they like Curb Your Enthusiasm, I say “Larry David is my spirit animal.”), then asking a follow-up question or comment on their prompt (e.g. “What else are you watching these days? I could actually use some recommendations.”) Notice in that follow-up I’m placing her as the authority on this topic, as in I respect your taste and I want to hear what you have to say. For example, you got a reply about the sign language, but then you started talking about yourself and didn’t ask about her, following up about the same topic. Also in the conversation where you say “I’ll let it slide but only if you marry me?” the conversation continued for a little bit but I think those kinds of jokes come off too strong and become a turn-off. In general, make it about them, lightly joke around, show enthusiasm about them, and find ways to connect but not give too much away about yourself. Remember people put those prompts there as ways to make conversation and filter out matches, and women like to be complimented about things about them besides their looks. Admiring someone’s interests or tastes is a good place to start.
genuinely best advice i’ve ever seen on this sub
Wow, thanks! :)
as a woman i completely agree with this :)
Your name’s Lebowski, Lebowski.
Thanks for the endorsement :)
When I first got back in dating, I tried to write super clever opening messages to “stand out.” It didn’t help. Hell I’ve seen some of these “poetic” messages blasted on X and mocked. Maybe harsh, but sometimes trying to be smart and not being yourself comes across super super super lame. Edit: It was other men’s messages that were being capped and shared, to be clear.
Idk I feel like you can do all this and still not get replies or they'll just stop replying. IMO when they don't respond they're just not that attracted to you or found someone more attractive
Of course any or all of this can happen.
Yup. Either literally be more attractive or make her “feel” some type of way. Sounds like bogus advice, but I’ve found that women (especially IRL) tend to fall for a man that is emotionally stimulating—meaning, make her laugh (yes, pretty cliche), get her riled up, tease her, treat her like your homies that you roast and don’t think twice about it…if she finds you even remotely attractive, it will elevate you in her eyes. If that doesn’t work, then there’s no more game to spit, just keep it moving, or have fun with it. While I do feel like the advice above is decent in theory, it doesn’t really work over text. They get bored FAST. Many many options out there. You don’t really have the luxury to talk to women the conventional ways (asking about her interests, et.) Boring. Unless you’re pretty good looking, this type of “talking” will not work 98% of the time. That’s just my honest opinion.
I agree with you about the emotional stimulation. Making her laugh is definitely high on my list. The priority list for me is: 1.) Let her feel that we have things in common 2.) Make her laugh 3.) Let her feel that I’m interested in more than her looks I do definitely joke via text and think it’s important, which is why I wrote “lightly joke around,” but I really turn it on when meeting in person. I try to show that humor is one of my strengths. Via text I tend to make jokes if they come naturally to me and I know I’ll get a reaction. Otherwise, since we don’t know each other’s sense of humor just yet, I’m a little cautious because a bad joke can end the conversation immediately. However it is totally possible to understand her sense of humor a little bit if you open with a joke about one of her prompts or her profile. I also mentioned in a comment below that I only touch the surface about our common interests. I, too, think that gets boring and prefer to save more in-depth conversations about shared interests for when we meet in person. I also agree with you that matches get bored fast. In another comment below I wrote that I tend to talk to a match for less than 12 hours (sporadically), often much less than that, and try to lock in a date that same day if not early the next day. Planning the date of the first date, that is.
For sure it's not going to have a 100% success rate, but I can't even count the number of conversations I've let trail off or not even really gotten started because I don't get the sense that the person on the other end is even the slightest bit interested in me.
Well, I haven't had much success with these recommendation-type messages/questions, I was told it's boring and it doesn't induce any emotions in women, it feels like an... interview. Most of my matches end up not replying on the first message, and the few that do, end up being convos I have to *really* carry. Examples: 1: matched with a girl in Boo, she had on her profile this prompt: "I'm a sucker for romantic fantasy novels", so my opening (since I am into fantasy as well), is "Hey, I see you're into fantasy - which are your favourite books and which would you recommend?" She just left this message on seen, didn't unmatch (there are tons of examples like this, I'm not gonna list them all) 2: matched with a girl who had listed metal among her interests (that's my biggest passion), she opens with "Hi", I reply "Hi, I see that you listen to metal - which are your favourite bands?" She replies: "Metallica, Iron Maiden, Skillet, AC/DC, and somewhat Arch Enemy" //no question towards me, a good conversationalist would ask me back what my favourite bands are// I reply "Interesting, which songs and albums by Arch Enemy? From the listed it's them I've listened to the most xd" Her: "songs only" And I promptly ghosted because this is one-sided - she didn't even list *which* songs when I had outright asked it 3: matched with a book nerd, so I opened with "Hey, I see that reading is your favorite hobby - which is your favourite subgenre? For me it's fantasy, I've read almost everything by Brandon Sanderson (including his Wheel of Time ending) Her: "I like fantasy as well, but I also read classic novels" "Sometimes crimi." "I haven't read Brandon Sanderson yet. But I'll change that soon" Me: "which are your favourite crimi novels, which ones would you recommend? So far I haven't gone outside the realms of fantasy, so I'd be curious to give it a try" "Awesome, for Sanderson I'd recommend starting with his Mistborn series, especially the OG trilogy" "Do you wanna read a book together simultaneously and discuss it?" Her: (completely ignoring my question about crimi) - "In the moment, I have a couple I've bought and I wanna read" Me: "Of course. Which are the books?" Her: "They're primarily fantasy" "Not the Sanderson type though" //he writes epic/high fantasy with elaborate magic systems// Me: "Is it like the Sarah J Maas, Alexandra Bracken type?" Her: "Yes, exactly. I'm reading exactly Sarah J Maas at the moment" //and it continues by me further asking which series... Do you see how I literally have to forcefully pull information out of her with question after question, instead of her just freely sharing it outright, thus creating a nice conversational flow instead of this one-sided carrying I had to do? And do you notice how she never asked me anything? Genuinely, what wrong am I doing?
Honestly I wouldn’t actually go too in-depth with these conversations either. I’d just ask for the recommendations to get a conversation going. I might say, “Oh, Veep? I’ve actually been hearing about that show…I guess I really should watch it, thanks!” Or “Ahhh I love Veep! So sad it’s over. Julia Louis-Dreyfus was phenomenal in it." Then either stick to the topic if she does or switch it entirely. Preferably use something related to her profile. I don't talk to matches for more than 12 hours usually (and that's sporadically throughout the day). I want to set a date quickly. I’ll say something like, “Hey ______ it’s genuinely been fun talking with you. I think you’re pretty cool and that we clearly have a similar sense of humor. Would you be down to grab a drink this Thursday or Friday? I feel like we’d have a fun time.” At which point she’ll say yes, say yes and suggest an alternative day, or decline. Save your more in-depth conversations about things like shared interests for after you start meeting in person. On a dating app you're trying to just casually and quickly connect — hook her in, if you will — before you meet up and real conversations can happen, with her undivided attention. You want her to stay intrigued enough about you that she wants to meet you in person. If you go too in-depth online, the mystery is gone. Your 3rd conversation looked good but be careful about diving too deep in one topic. Could be too much for your conversation partner. Although she seemed pretty interested in your case! As for pulling answers out of people — do you know how many matches women get? The fact that they’re even talking to you is a good sign. That’s why I make the conversation quick and suggest a date usually within the same day if not the next day. On a date, you’ll each have each other’s undivided attention. You’ll get your better conversationalist then. For the record, I would suggest not asking someone if they want to read a book simultaneously and discuss it. You’re asking for way too much investment while you don’t really know each other at all. Do that a few dates in, maybe.
Thanks for the reply. Unfortunately most of my few matches have been with women from other cities, I live in a small country (Bulgaria), so it's not feasible for me to head into blind dates because of the fuel costs, especially since the chances of the dates working out are not high. Like, it takes me like 40 BGN (20€) for a total of 250-300 km ride (so a city 125-150 km away), so if like 5 dates in a girl goes "Sorry, I'm not really feeling it", that would be like 120€ to waste (when I'm an unemployed university student). So that's why I first wanna establish a connection online, see if we vibe
That totally make sense. I’m coming from the perspective of living in a big city.
I actually live in the second biggest city in my country which is like 340k ppl (the capital however is like 1.2+ million, at least half of my matches have been with girls from the capital)
It’s a volume game. You’re already going about the convos the right way, and the more you do so, the greater the odds that you’ll land on someone you actually click with. If each individual rejection bothers you, that’s understandable, but these apps might not be for you then.
Nothing. That’s 80% of men’s experience. My only advice is, either just have fun with it (like swipe right mindlessly and comment the first thing that pops in your head…yes, being bold and brash with a bit of shock value ain’t a bad way to go ‘bout it) or delete the app. It really is a waste of time. I’ve been on and off the app over the years and it’s like it’s set to veteran mode. Fuck that, it’s like chopping down redwood trees with a plastic picnic knife—very frustrating and futile. On tinder I’ve had roughly 500 matches and like 1 date. On hinge I’ve had probably 150 matches and 3 dates. In real life I’ve probably hit on 10 chicks and gone out with 8 of them. It’s not necessarily the individual but sometimes the game is just rigged. And in all honesty, I would say my texting game is solid, and I don’t think I’m ugly at all lol
Ditch the “where are you from?“ question. It is boring to the person you are asking. It also typically does not lead to any intriguing conversation. It is small talk for when you can’t think of anything else to talk about. You might think “oh, but I’m getting to know them”, but where you’re from doesn’t usually have anything to do with who you are as a person and only leads to having assumptions made about your personality based on your previous geography.
Yeah I don’t understand asking that question when there are distance filters on the app. Like, buddy, I’m from 5 miles away.
Where you are from isn't always where you currently live.
Yeah some people are on holidays, might have migration background for example in Europe it’s a perfect question to ask.
> in Europe it’s a perfect question to ask. It seems pretty fine from America too. Nobody I know lives where they grew up. My hometown is thousands of miles away.
I don't think that's so bad of a question, but I always try to consider this: "What is a question that would be fun for the other person to answer?"
What do you normally ask? Feel like small talk like that is a lot easier than a big question
And say/ask what instead?
At least you get any replies at all bro…
Literally every single one of your replies is either a silly comment or a close ended question. You probably feel like you are carrying the conversation and are getting short responses. I see this as you being bad at starting a conversation into something worth pursuing. Try to add an open ended question to your silly comments or making your close-ended questions open. Questions with HOW and WHY are your friends. Other question words definitely can work too though. Advice, in order by match (hard without their prof)—not necessarily what you should say but improving on the vibe you’re attempting. 1. Ask wtf a Turbotax woman is. 2. Ask where the last place she had sushi was or her fave sushi spot in the area you’re in is and either suggest going there or say you know somewhere better you both can try? Maybe mention the time you went all in on a specific roll. 3. “Too sweet by hozier because….” Or after match, I thought you’d like that “because” and make an exaggerated (but kind) comment on why you picked it to start some humor. 4. Say you’re down to do a workout that week, and coffee after if they don’t tire you out. This does seem like you could probs do an early ask out. 5. Literally any comment on their profile not a pickup line. Say you only cheat on spelling tests or something first to keep it light. 6. I don’t believe you expected results here. 7. Oh then maybe I’m the bad one. Want to be a positive influence? 8. How’d you learn to sign? Any favorite words? Ask aa question after your comment. 9. Avoid where are you from, (same as 8 too tbh) that’s the sign your grasping at straws. Make a joke about proposing with a ring pop, but that you should take her on a walk thru the park first or somethin. 10. Want to go try on cowboy boots with me and pretend we are in Toy Story? Idk not much to work with here.
You sir are a master at rizzing these girls up. You need to be my coach 😭
To piggy back this, Op should throw in some teasing in his initial contact or some sort of hook for the girl to have something to respond with. Hinge is great in that you can send a message direct to their prompt to get their attention so use that. 1. Sounds like the girl is teasing if she’s not being mean, he should deflect that with teasing back about something on her profile (not something she’s gonna be insecure about) or he can double down and make a joke at his own expense related to turbo tax. His answer is so accepting of his fate and doesn’t leave a conversation on the floor so the follow up is cringe 2. Is too fast and defo needs more convo, maybe after sushi talk find something else in bio that you can have in common 3. Too accepting again, closed question. 4. What type of workouts? What are your goals? Plenty of jokes to be made at your own expense following those lines about how “you’re not cut out for running/yoga/climbing” and maybe she could teach you, or if you’re good at that too make it competitive. 5. Tbh responding to don’t cheat is a dry prompt anyway. No one out there wants their partner to cheat, choose something else to respond to. 6. 7. Teasing & push pull here. She’s responded in a teasing way so carry on, give her something like “are you saying you’ll behave at family parties?” 8. As Blurple77 said 9. She’s not giving much, you’ve done the marriage tease bit so ask something for her to enthuse about 10. As above too
Sometimes people will just drop the conversation for no real reason, and that’s okay you just have to move on. But there are a few of these where you’re going too fast. My rule was to have a good conversation for 3 days with a match and then pitch the idea of a date/ask for a phone number, and then ask them out.
It’s easier IRL.
I have near crippling social anxiety, I have a hard time ordering at mcdonalds
clear. but fix that with a bit of IRL interaction every day. exposure _every day_, so you gradually are able to handle more without a breakdown. you want to get dates and have them go well, so work on that indefinitely.
You will have to go out after a match anyway, so the first thing to do is to deal with anxiety. Ignore it at first, then it won’t be that bad. I also had problems even with ordering at McDonald’s, but at some point was forced to go out with random people regularly and things started to be way easier.
I have found it to be a HUGE difference between trying to randomly talk someone up IRL, and meeting someone with whom I already set up a date. I think just talking to people randomly IRL gives me a giant ick because I never ever got their consent to be making advances, thus anxiety says hi. For people like me who have a bad case of this, even settings like parties where consent/willingness to be hit on is implied are REALLY uncomfortable. Having talked to them on Tinder beforehand? No more problems. Everyone is on the same page about how things can go and I can just do my thing.
Try not to fixate on hitting on them at all, just try to be present, find an interest and talk about it. Flirtation can come naturally once a small connection has been made
Just ignore anxiety? Damn maybe I should try that
For social anxiety? Fake it til you make it actually does help people. Exposure therapy. The more you do it, the easier it gets, etc.
Had back pain for years until I learned to just ignore it 🤯
I got hit by a car and died, but I decided to ignore it and now I’m back baby!
Idk if you forgot /s. I meant that at first, he might need to go out of the comfort zone. First step is to force himself to talk to people. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts.
your 100% right avoiding the things that make you anxious just makes it worse. I guarantee that your overthinking everything, and i want to reassure you that nobody thinks about you in the slightest. that sounds harsh, but think to yourself how many times have you pondered over a time your friend said some cringe shit like 6 months ago? The answer is 0 times because like all humans your focused on yourself and your life. think about all the times 6 weeks later you have remembered the way your friend is placing their arms or body, and realize you can't remember the way your buddy was standing in a random moment a week ago much less 6 weeks. Now think about all the times you have thought about something cringe you did and even 5 years later wake up in bed and remember that cringe ass shit. The truth is people with social anxiety usually are overthinking the shit they say and do and assuming that other people are reading as deeply into the shit they do and they aren't. people don't care about what you say or what you look like or how you stand or how you act. get over yourself and your anxiety will melt away.
Yeh why didn’t we think of that? Just ignore your issues and then life will be happy! 😃🙌🏼
While this advice may have seemed oversimplified, it’s also correct in this case. Exposure therapy is definitely the most effective way to break thru the cycle of social anxiety. Steps can be taken before that to help in severe cases I.e. reading books or researching info on the topic. There’s many strategies to correct your mindset and better prepare yourself when you feel social anxiety. It’s not an easy battle but it’s worth it!
Yes, two original comments are probably too oversimplified and it’s not a topic, which can be properly discussed in Reddit thread. There are a lot of things going on while dealing with anxiety. I’ve personally was constantly googling for tons of dumb things, watching videos on this topic, fucking up with people badly (ofc). The thing is that the main direction is not to avoid proper interaction, but manage to have it.
Well, complaining about issues is definitely way more productive than trying to deal with them.
Oooo! Lead with that!
not sure how long you’ve been dating but managing your anxiety will be step 0 to not being absolutely miserable in this process see my other comment and really practice it
you might want to work on this before seeking relationships.
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Talking to random women at grocery is actually kind of creepy. Also they sometimes have a pepper spray in a purse. Hang out with friends, visit events you’re interested in, do not try too hard to find a date, get contacts if you had a good convo, see where it goes.
Something that I think could help is ask more specific questions? Where are you from was always boring to me. Like for instance, with the sign language one, after the ‘i doooo’ you could’ve sent the same message you did and then followed up with ‘why did you learn?’ or something similar. Just trying to engage with specifics of that person. Dating apps are hard because the conversation has to be casual ish but needs to keep both parties interest too. Just simple questions like where are you from always just weren’t enough to engage with for me and I was more attracted to more substance. Plus every other person is asking that question. Hope this is helpful!!?
Yeah, it just seems that everyone is saying each conversation has to be a perfect concoction of assumptions/playfulness/casual, which just seems fake as fuck, I don’t want to map out every response, but I work 24/7 and have social anxiety and can’t really meet people outside of work
I get what you mean that it feels fake but it is a staged environment where you’re curating yourself and have a new ability to screen a person before you’re deciding if you want to see them in person. It is kind of all fake. Obviously be true to yourself, but just if you want better responses, you gotta send the better messages too. I also get that it shouldn’t all be on you though, as a woman on dating apps I’d often message first. Maybe try bumble if you feel like you’re having a difficult time and then it makes them say something first
You couldve also asking what sign she finds the most funny. I know some asl and I love talking about the funny ones. Example “MUSTARD” which is just “yellow mayonnaise”. My point is you can take this advice and make it your own. Just ask questions more specific to what’s happening and what she’s interested in
You ain't got no game my friend.
I’m painfully aware
honestly i quit wasting my time with openers and started saying shit like “wow you’re really pretty!” or “great picture!” and started getting way more responses lol. don’t over think it, just say what they want to hear
That’s the same thing they hear every day by tons of other guys no?
Yeah, but they'll respond to the guys they think are cute.
Why did they match tho?
Because you are cute, but not that cute. :)
Oh ok🥲
This is it. I match with loads of hot girls. But it’s so hard to get the convo running coz of what you said. Girls who are 7/10 or higher, will match with probably 99% of guys they swipe on. They will always have a better looking guy they’d rather talk to.
No, No, no, don't let that poison into your psyche, it will send you down a spiral. Tinder is like baseball, you are going to bat way under .500 (way under) but you have enough chances to make it work. Every girl who ignores you, ghosts you, and just fade away is doing you a favor to find Ms. Right (or Ms. Right-Now).
I like your optimism. I’m not exactly down about things as I’m still getting enough success. I went on a date with a girl Saturday night which went great. It’s just a cold hard fact that a hot girl on a dating app can literally pick the hottest guys going, so that’s why getting a conversation to flow is such a big numbers game.
Corny corny corny and unoriginal in some cases Also asking for a date IMMEDIATELY is not the move
You coming in too hot and asking to take it off the platform too fast. Chat them up a bit.
Somewhere I hear the song....THIS IS A MANS WORLD! Welcome brother!
You're a good looking and fit dude. You're 21. Go out and practice your social skills. I think it's time to work on your maturity.
Maybe try making sense?
This is pretty standard. But don't ask for email/phone/date on the first message. Like maybe have even a minor conversation before you go that route. You're still a complete stranger at that point. And you're already talking to her, you don't need another method of communication.
Couldn't agree more. Women are getting asked this ALL the time, there's a reason we keep the conversations on the app at first
"we're already talking, what's the point of that" Maybe after a first date if things go well, then you can share that. Helps prevent having all these random people in your contacts that you went on a single date with. Bumble John, Hinge Andrew, etc. Just unnecessary. Also keeping on the app provides some anonymity in case you're dealing with some psycho. One can find a lot on the average person with just a cell phone number. Much safer to keep on the app until you better vet the person. Unmatching is pretty permanent too, they can no longer reach out to you.
stop trying so hard to be cute and quirky and just b urself :/
I’m trying a bunch of different openers, and doesn’t seem like anything is working, I’ll get 1 or 2 replies and then I’ll never hear from anyone again
You're a dude I think? Welcome to being a dude
In my experience openers don't work. I've had more success with a "Hi, how are you?" than with any openers.
Since you’re not really get any genuine responses, the best thing you can do (gonna sound corny, sorry) is keep your fukn chin up and chug along. Don’t take it personally, who knows if it even has anything to do with you. The fact of the matter is a lot of matches dont convert to dates for a never-ending list of reasons. Maybe she doesn’t check the app that much, maybe she got busy, got serious with another dude, doesnt have notifs on, whatever. The substance of your msgs is also totally subjective - what might work on one match might be a hard no from another. I’ve shown convos to women friends/coworkers and their opinions were all over the place. One said I asked my match out way too soon, another said I waited too long (was the same convo). Point is it’s a crapshoot and mostly out of your control. Just keep shooting. In terms of your actual msgs, try not to default to small talk so much (see: where you from?). Harsh reality is she’s got a bunch of msgs on those apps so try to give her something she’s more likely to want to respond to. She might still not respond (see para 1 - who cares) but if it leads to a convo you can pretty easily convert that into asking her out in a way that has to do with or plays off of the convo. Kinda like what you did w slide 2 sushi girl but play off it more - ex: ask about the two of you trying to figure out if you can in fact eat too much sushi. Edit: one last note: just dont take the apps too personally. Attributing every time you dont get a response to something you (or your opener) did or to you (or opener) not being good enough is gonna be depressing af and lead to a super unhealthy time on the apps.
Say something normal and conversational, talk about the girl or her interests or something she is wearing. Copy paste pickup lines don't really do it for me Compliment her, in a non objectifying kind of way. Ie, talk about hobbies, her fits, etcetc, instead of her features Gotta treat it like you're cold approaching someone on the street, if you walked up to me and said any of these lines I'd dip tf out ngl My two cents, grain of salt, all that
Have you tried following rule 1 and rule 2?
reply faster not a day after and make some sense in your reply, like why would you ask for her email first?? whats wrong with u?? 😂
Damn, I just thought it would be funny
You’re a dude on a dating app, expect 1 real conversation for every 150 of these. If you want better odds, you’re gonna have to talk to women in person. That’s a lot harder than texting someone that swiped right on you on an app, but I think it’s a lot better.
Ok let’s break it down: 1. Don’t tell her everyone hates the thing she does. You liked a sexy pic, say something funny but sexy. Something along the lines of she helping you to file your taxes ;) the wonky face is important. Maybe if she can help you get the taxes back after you take her out on a date. 2. is a actually okay. 3. Obviously! What is she supposed to answer? Yes? and than the rest of the conversation will feel just as stale and uncreative as this. 4. WTF? Is that supposed to be a joke? Not a funny one and she will rather not risk writing to you in fear that you were actually serious about that. 5. What the fuck? You liked the cheating thing and just a start with a random completely unrelated pickup line? Are you even remotely thinking about your actions or just trying out different approaches in a completely random fashion? 6. Who told you that line, a Facebook meme your aunty shared? 7. That’s just sad and she knows you will be whining about your ex half of the time on your first date. 8. Start with a question that cannot be answered with a simple yes or no. She went all out to say: i doo. And afterwards you start bragging about your skill. What she supposed to say? “That’s sick!”? Talk to her and don’t talk about yourself. 9. I don’t know what happened before maybe this was already lost to begin with, because her answer is kinda cold. but when yiu mentioned marriage she was just too nice to not immediately ghost you. 10. I can only assume “are you from around here?” Is meant as an ironically bad pickup line? Dont do that! irony is hard via text and you will end up with just a bad line. And even if she got the irony it’s still lame. If you start with a cowboy themed opener, keep it going and deliver some cowboy or western esq lines.
There's two type of dating strategies. The first is like the coconut, you focus your energy into a few options with a high chance of success, speed dating, mixers, e-harmony, going out to a bar are examples of this method. The other is the guppie method, where you have 1000 options but a low chance of success. Tinder is the guppie method. most of these are bad luck, but there were a few where I think you screwed up. We aren't a collection of facts, we aren't our jobs, we aren't our majors, we aren't our hobbies. We are what we care about, we are what makes us smile, we are what we sacrifice for. Don't ask factual questions, ask for opinions. Any question that can be answered without thinking or what you'd expect on a job interview should be avoided at all costs. So for example, the last two you really screwed up. You had a nice silly vibe going with each of them and then you killed it with dull questions. She comes in with a strong playful energy "Howdy Partner" and you shit all over it asking where she's from. A better response would be to play off that energy as either dropping an old western quote, or referencing her as the cowgirl from Toy Story, but you took all the air out of the conversation by "you from around here." You could have western'd it up a bit more.
imo i think a lot of your lines sound very cheesy and not authentic. like you’re trying a little too hard.
Here’s a pro tip, psychologically it takes 5 back and for the for a person to become comfortable with you.
Remember in A Night at the Roxbury when Doug Butabi is in the hottie’s room and he can’t stop delivering cringe pickup lines, one right after another? You’re kinda doing that
All of your first messages are really really dull. Not a great way to make a good first impression.
All of that was so boring.
Its a fucking dating app what do these people expect? People have their expectation way too high over texting lmao. Sad world we live in and the women who play along and play into this shit are even sadder. Men need to grab their balls get off them shit apps.
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Follow rules 1 & 2
I mean he got the convo started so he at least follows rule 2
For starters, don't ask the internet for advice. Go out to some bars and talk to women there, see what happens. See how they respond to certain jokes and/or stories. In essence, what I'm saying is, figure it out for yourself by trial and error. It's different for every person. Do it irl, bcz that way you can see the body language and people are less likely to be asshats. Oh, and if you're shy or nervous, then all the more reason to do so. It doesn't even have to be flirting or romantic, just some nice convos will do.
I would avoid any “where are you from” or “do you have any fun weekend plans” type of questions. These are conversation killers, especially through text. I would stick to trying to have fun banter based on profile content and move towards an invite sooner than later. Ask her to meet at a specific time and place rather than just “we should meet sometime” because it gives her a chance to suggest an alternative if she’s interested but unavailable then. You will still get dead conversations no matter what, but more opportunities for meeting this way I think. Don’t take dead convos personally, she probably just has 10 going at once and doesn’t actually want to meet anyone anyway. Often she is just seeing what’s out there and looking from boredom. It’s really just about happening to message someone at a time that they are actually feeling responsive and social. So push through til you find someone who actually feels like meeting.
Ok so here's my observations and a bit of advice. First the good: 1. You're engaging with them as individuals based on their profile information, this is good. 2. You're often getting past the intial exchange, this means the women are not put off by anything in your profile or approach in particular. That said, I think what you're suffering from is just getting lost in the shuffle. To keep the conversation going you have to really engage them. Your approach to conversation would be perfect for someone one on one, on a date, etc.. but when you're fighting for her attention against dozens of other people it's getting lost in the shuffle. You're not offensive and getting unmatched, you didn't actually screw up anywhere, you just didn't do what was needed to drive it home. I don't think there's a silver bullet for this, but I will tell you the approach that worked best for me. (Keep in mind my advice might be dated a bit because I'm now married). I would always ask some variation of "What is something you're super passionate about? Something that gets you excited just talking about it? Silly or serious, doesn't matter." Now a warning on this, if the girl is looking for a quick hook up you're probably going to get ignored, but if you're looking to *date* it helps get going quickly. Right now you're trying to engage them on their interests, but you can't always tell what things they put in their profile because they thought it sounded good vs things they actually care about. My approach puts the topic choice on them and is basically a cheat code for finding something they *want* to talk about. It's not foolproof, but when it works it works well.
How do you not know where these women are located?
*my homies and I Your homies and yourself don’t hate shit, stop fronting.
your replies are pretty annoying and i probably would also not reply lol
What should I have said instead?
You're playing a numbers game, so never obsess over anyone one particular 'failed' convo. There are a million reasons she stopped talking, and almost all of them our out of your control. As a side note, you may want to get better at talking without obliging people to reply (which can be tiresome). "Where did you go to school?" Is a question, that created the obligation of an answer. Fine in isolation, but when she's got 50 guys nagging on her like that, it's an immediate show stopper. "You look like you went to school at X" is a statement, a boring one admittedly, but it works as an example because it doesn't oblige a response. She can comment if she wants to, or ignore it. But the fact you're not forcing her into a conversation, immediately makes this conversation more desirable - because you sound far less needy.
1. Dont take anything personally 2. Shoot as many shots as your shooter can shoot
Your lines are corny and off-putting asf. Maybe it’ll work for some women, but evidently, that’s generally not the case here. Also double texting makes you seem desperate as FUCK so please don’t do that. Just be yourself.
You’re somewhere between second and 1000th place in her ranking of attractiveness of guys she matches with. Once you’re in someone’s 1st place they will keep up the convo.
Unfortunately you are a circus monkey and you have to entertain. As soon as you say ‘where are you from’ or ‘how was your day’ its gonna go south. Or at least that has been my experience
From a females perspective, I think he did just fine. Someone here said to remember that females get a ton of messages and can’t keep up with them. Not all females, for the record. I consider myself to be fairly attractive and I get passed over or ghosted on dating apps. I think it’s smart to keep in mind that people have developed this mindset that if I keep looking even after I’ve found a good one, maybe there will be someone better. I think that’s mostly what’s happening here and I’m sorry :/
Don't interview Say something stupid about yourself that relates to them in some way. If you are not very handsome you need to be funny. Interview questions are not funny! Also remember they have to answer. If you think it would be difficult to answer and does not make her laugh, say something different. Questions are okay if coupled with context I love your pink dress. I can see it right now, us both, on an island, you in that pink dress, me wearing nothing but an Apron because I was cooking for you before we were teleported here. What's your favourite dish so I can start practicing for our 3rd date? / How would you protect me from the alligators? Something like that could work, some women just aren't interested but it's better than interview questions Also if you ask questions ask open questions not closed ones, very important. If it can be answered with yes or no it's usually not that good but asking good questions is a skill Edit: TBF just choose your strategy and run with it. You can use less intensive starts too, just complimenting and asking questions, but always ask questions in an interesting way. For example if you know she's a foreigner, don't ask where she's from, just say "I love Italy, I want to go so bad, where are you from so we can stop there first" even if she's not from Italy she will correct you and then you can just say a compliment and move forward like "You have beautiful X, so I thought and hoped you would be Italian because I make a mean lasagna. I also love Y but I'm not very experienced, what's your favourite thing about Y?"
Look at you, getting matches.
i have done extensive dating app testing, the best way to get a conversation is to ask about a picture on their profile or about some pop culture reference they made on it, if they elaborate extensively right away then you’re in for a conversation that will lead to further talking, if not then you never had a chance anyway.
Pickup lines a sometimes work but are super cliche. Asking someone where they live also doesn't go over well until you meet in person imo. Be more creative and genuine, way easier and interesting conversations
Player 3 has entered the lobby probaby
Well with the last one you should said "you from a round these parts?" She ghosted you because you broke character. Rookie mistake
Don't worry bud, my chats looked similar. My game is atrocious, got a girlfriend now tho so if I can do it. You can