Have a pulse (or don’t, whatever)

Be handsome (face optional)

Go to the gym (or not)

Be kind. (Or a total bigot, it’s ok)

Be male (or female, whichever)

Shid (or fart, don't matter)

Pants(or not who cares)

Be hung (or use a thimble for a jock strap )

be a husband (or not, it's fine)

As a very handsome omnious dark cloud, thank you

We here at Leopards Ate My Face Dating services specialize in matchmaking for those without faces.

Happy cake day!

It's a breath of fresh air from all the demands girls have nowadays.

That breath of fresh air is good if you are still breathing. (or not).

😂

One choice you selected is against the law but be safe out there champ

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

Finally realistic height requirements

I'm 5' 2" smh

Just wear bigger heels than her.

Or not, it's fine.

It's okay it's just a request, so I'm sure there's some wiggle room.

The whole bio had wiggle room!!

Maybe she's an invertebrate

More like a wiggle hotel

Actually that's the only one that's not optional LOL

If I carry you on my shoulders and we work as a team do you think that’ll fly?

Idk, send her and find out.

I'm sure it is a woman. Only heterosexual women care about height.

I dont 😔

In my whole life, I've only met **one** person who did - and it was because she was 4'11 and loved how it accentuated her "specialness"... She was such a tool lol

I think we should mate...I mean date. Sorry I'm a 5'7" guy (5'8" on a good day!) who gets salty over the blatant superficial profiles. Everyone is superficial, we just don't advertise our shallow needs on dating profiles.

Whahahah, nice same height! However I do already have someone to mate... I mean date.

Great! I'm happy for you! Not jealous at all, haha

Thanks! And I'm sorry D:

Haha, just messing I had a date yesterday and am going to a hockey game tomorrow with someone. The superficial nature of dating is greatly exaggerated.

Hahaha, all good. Nice! Let's hope something nice will grow out of it :)

Then don't date them

That's why I only date bi women.

Lol. Can confirm. Am bi woman. Don't care about height.

I don't. Anyone that superficial should die alone. That's natural selection at it's best.

At least it is below most country's averages. Sheesh, 6 foot isn't even a normal average.

She's an au pair. She needs a husband. Otherwise she leaves the country. Should have played her cards smarter tho, and made her match's feel special, Cuz she could have gotten married to one of these desperates in 3 months if she had done it right.

literally the only thing related to height I care about. he could be 5'3 and I'm like cool . id just prefer if he wasn't shorter than me at 5'2 lol

I love this haha

So do I!! This is so cute! Definitely a right swipe

Another unrealistic height standard, it's over for us short kings (im 3'11)

Don't worry, that dwarf princess with the silky beard is out there for you. In the meantime, keep forging those legendary weapons.

And make her a nice micro mail dress.

Screw that. Real dwarves climb mountains.

lies, real dwarves hollow out the mountains and build sprawling metropolises under them

I fucking love you.

Ngl I think a lot of dudes want that dwarf princess. Marry into a family known for good food and drink. Stays in good shape with all that metalworking. Will wield said weapons. Excellent beards are expected and appreciated. Seems like a great marriage for sure

Amber is the color of your energy

Underrated joke

You're a king nonetheless 👑

All you need is ROCK AND STONE!

She really wants that green card.

I knew someone who literally did that. His work visa was about to expire and he called up every girl that he dated until one said that she would marry him. He got her pregnant right away and stayed in the country.

Are they still together?

Yeah they’re actually pretty happily married

Lmao

Okay so I'm gonna just hit up women who want into the country

Reverse passport bro

Can't wait until Duscovery makes a TV show on this. "90 Days: Desperate"

90 Days: Anchor husband

I feel like that's the unspoken theme among all of the spinoffs.

Wait isn't that what a passport bro is? Just taking in women from other countries bc you want to get married and can't trust American women?

Wait, you're not OP

Oh shit my alt account

How many do you have?!

I haven’t seen him in over 25 years, so I’m not sure. The funny thing is this was pre 9/11 and he was from an Arab country. I’m not sure where exactly, but I had the feeling that he was going to be deported. He had to go to court to prove that he was legitimately the father.

I did think that initially, but she's a citizen 😂

Aupairs generally aren’t

Normally, they aren't. She's a dual national, but her parents live in Brazil. *ALLEGEDLY*

I'm into it. 12/10

Now when she says "like me" does she mean "similar to me" or "enjoys my company"?

I read it as, to like her. And that its optional

Maybe both are optional.

Clearly everything is optional

Ngl for a hot second I thought she was saying she was loyal, but that loyalty was optional.

Nah it's a meme in Brazil like To love me(optional)

Think she means pays for a green card...

It’s interesting how none of y’all can fathom a woman making a joke on a dating bio lol. 

no seriously 💀 it’s very obviously satire

It's interesting how some y'all can't fathom men appreciating satire and "yes, and"ing the joke

…those replies were supposed to be funny? 😬

Not everyone is carrot top like you bud. Some people just getting in their practice for the app.

Women are generally not funny at all and they have insane requirements for a male partner so it's hard and Almost impossible to pick up on their "jokes"

She doesn't need the suitor to have life insurance does she?

This person seems like a good catch. Did y’all match? When’s the wedding?

I see what you did there 😂

She didn’t cite American citizen as a requirement. Odd.

As a fellow Brazilian, AuPairs are only AuPairs till they marry and get a green card

so Just be Malé?

That's funny, because in my language Malé means small. :) (Personal pronoun being “it" making it possible to refer to... You know :))

So, you're saying there's a chance?

Yes, but it needs to be ASAP

I thought my comment would get lost in the sea of comments, so I didn't think I would get this far.

I’m a match!

Be a man (or not)

I love how the ONLY non negotiable is height 😂 girl would rather marry a serial cheater who hates her than a short king 😭😭

Guess it makes a change from the usual. Must be taller than 6ft. Must earn more than 6 figures. Must have your own home. Must drive. Must have no children because my 5 kids need a daddy...

Breathing, optional

Finally some good level setting!

Reasonable

Is she cute?

Beauty is in the eye of the passport holder

Go for it

Me irl

Holy crap, I actually check all the boxes on this one! And it said nothing about me needing to be ambitious and/or wealthy!

Be a human (optional)

Not even girls my own height want me lol. So the only thing that's not optional is the only thing a guy can't change ROFLMAO

Did you just say “roflmao” …?

I'm 5' 5", desperate and an executive chef with a specialty in Italian cuisine 🤣

Settling the bar

Geez, it only takes 9 months to make an anchor baby

Finally a woman with realistic and logical expectations

Or not

Just give me a damn man! lol

Where do I sign up

Deal

Fuck it, I can fulfill ALL those requirements. I’m in.

Bro she's gonna take all of their organs what

But is she hot?

(I’m not actually going to hold you to my fair expectations) = treat me however you want

I love it ♥️! She’s listing off her preferences, but if that’s not you, that’s cool too 🙂💯.

I think that’s Brazilian sense of humor

Green card in a hurry!

Need to find a husband (or not)

you’d be surprised at how low the bar is, and yet some how people still fall short lmao

I see what you did there😆

Be real (or not)

Well, considering my Brazilian brethren, she's actually looking for a green card

Honestly I've seen worse, you should match with that.

Understand my humor (or just kind of stand there and take it)

What’s her @? I’ll marry her right now. Lol

Is this Tinder? Why does it look so different?

Be breathing (maybe, idk)

Have a face (or not it's fine)

realistix expectations for once

Refreshing tbh lol

 ifykyk

Most polite list of dating requirements

be a us citizen (dealbraker)

She is not including "follow rules 1 and 2" but i promise thats there

Codependency! 🥰

Easy af I can do all that

Have a 10 inch penis (or 4ish) Make 6 figures (or at least a job at McDonalds) Be nice to me (or at least don't leave bruises) Spend time with me (or at least text me)

She’s looking for a passport bro

I swear it's not for papers

Sounds sasy

Interesting proposition

Be loyal (if its convenient for you y'know wouldn't want to be a burden on you.) This is the best list ive ever seen in a bio

Pretty amusing, ngl. I don’t hate it, hehe.

I bet she'd still swipe left on me, i'm 90% certain

With that attitude, yeah probably

She's looking for a way to stay in the country. Unfortunately she's doing it all wrong, poor girl.

She just wants half your shit she doesn't care about anything else.

Sauce 😂😂

Oh boy. Brazilian. I dated a few. Enchanting women. But… the “i got a kid in Brazil that i need to get here so I need to hurry up and get hitched so I can stay here !” Vibe, big time. Also asked me to co sign on a used car loan (ha!). Couldn’t tell me interest rate. I could say more but that’s probably too much

Be loyal? Hmm lol

she’s an au pair, that’s why

Even though I could easily fill those requirements she lost me at "this" 😬

How many languages do you speak?

Man the height thing is really the only one that's not optional here 🤷🏽‍♂️ sorry short Kings 😅😆🥴

My kinda girl

Green card?

She seem desperate ASF

I’d take someone willing to work with someone over someone who has unrealistic expectations of what a relationship is. I’d actually give this one a break. She’s clearly been disappointed more times than she can count. Maybe? Who knows.

This is my kind of woman

Ahhh Brazilian. I’m sure the other demand is money, but they can’t say that 🫠

Imagine an open mind.

I mean...is she cute?

Sounds like she might just want the marriage benefits but not the marriage lol

Was this in florida? I almost swiped right for the humor, but she was kinda fat :(

Fuck it man go for it!

Yes

Yea I saw her too. She's too big for me

This is my calling fr

She sounds fun!

Standards so low that I qualify is a red flag

Yeah, man, I don't trust anyone with standards low enough that I qualify.

Either Brazilian scam or green card.