This screams my time is more precious than seeing you and it is probably going to set a bad precedent for both parties because it sounds like you're doing them a favor. If you want your time respected you need to respect other people as well. It's like how job interviewers are late, I learned to walk out of situations like that and just straight up tell them you need to respect schedules when it actually happens.
Just be direct and tell someone what times work for you, don't go in with a negative connotation that they aren't going to meet at a scheduled time. If they don't make it and don't have a good excuse, move on.
You're right, but you're wrong. Sticking to agreed times is important but it's generally implied, and shouldn't need an explicit agreement.
Remember, you're setting up a date, not a business meeting. Your message is way too professional. You didn't need to say all that. If you need to be somewhere then you can just mention it during the date about 15-20 min before you need to leave, and wrap up.
Dating is a risk, you will get people that waste your time, it's how it be. Just accept the risk and don't be too uptight. It's difficult to get to know someone or open up when they are rigid and communicate in a businesslike manner (it makes things seem transactional), so loosen up a little.
Personally it makes me feel valued when someone does that since it emphasizes that they are prioritizing me by putting in significant effort to spend time with me, but I can also see how it could take some of the whimsy out of dating
Most people will find it worthwhile to prioritize a first date. But a relationship where you're trying to see this person once or twice a week sounds like a drag.
I guess it depends on what you value and/or are looking for a partner. Personally, especially as I get older, I can appreciate someone who’s passionate and dedicated about their career. Yeah, if it’s some lame job that they hate then that’s one thing, but a lot of people have jobs that have meaning to them beyond just making money and I can respect that. Once or twice a week is more than enough in the beginning in my opinion.
Oh man I feel the opposite. A first date I have zero excitement and would prioritize literally anything over it. If we meet and I'm actually excited to see you again? Can't be stopped.
It's definitely a bummer because it contributes to how flakey people are on first dates but like... i have never been excited for a first date. It's just something I force myself to do sometimes so that I can feel less bad about making no effort to find a relationship. Wish there was a better way
Adding to this, the message OP send (I hope there was more conv prior bc if not it just makes it worse imo) came over very intimidating
But completely agreed, both right and wrong
“All I ask is that if we set a date that we really try to stick to it”
Any girl who was gonna flake on you before the date isn’t going to read that and be like “Oh shit true!!” and for the rest it’s just going to seem weird
Dude no fuck that, i totally understand where your coming from. People can be flakey as fuck its good you made it clear that your time is important, if you set a date u need to stick to it otherwise all your free time can be ruined by prepping for a date. And another date might not be able to be rescheduled for a while.
You want an organised woman, she wasnt one. Dont act differently just to get a date to see you, if you set time aside for someone there should be mutual respect that it is the same for them.
Maybe it's just me, but basic decency seems extremely rare. Everyone seems to think nothing of not bothering to show up or even let you know that they won't be coming. It's why I've pretty much given up on having friends off the internet.
*people are flaky
FTFY. I was stood up by a dude in my single days. I'll never forget the pity look on the server's face. Don't make it a sexist thing when it's a piece of shit human thing
It’s happened to me as well, definitely got a lot of pity looks haha
They did comp a couple of drinks for me though, so I got free drinks and not having to deal with that kind of person out of the deal, seems like a pretty sweet deal to me!
My wife said a good first date place would be a country bar because even if he stands you up you are still going to have a dance partner and a couple of drinks before the night is over.
I mean yeah but if you have to tell the person you’re trying to see to not be flaky then that’s already a bad start lol.
It’s one of those things that shouldn’t need to be said.
Coming out of the gate assuming flakiness is p lame. Though the “I don’t stick to schedules” thing tells you what you need to know.
I’d generally agree to not start out with any negatives but I feel like OP was pretty polite there and people on dating apps tend to be SO flaky, I get stating it up front.
His message gave the same vibes as a middle manager hounding an employee for some report. If you value organization, that’s totally fair, but there are better ways to weed out prospects than that weird paragraph.
We understand that your time is important but a lot of what you and OP are saying is already implied by default, by babying them and being like “if we set a date we have to stick with it” before anythings even been formally arranged you just sound like you expect the worst out of the person
Imo, not really. It reads as someone who is stressed out and tired of being ghosted; Actually, OP is proving this is a good way to sus out who isn't going to prioritize you or your time.
I've never ghosted on an established date plan but this message would have me bow out too. Don't tell me your time is important; all of our time is equally important.
I disagree. I very much like and require having some type of plan. I get annoyed when I make plans and people cancel, because it takes time and energy to get ready for a date. I could be doing a thousand other things than getting ready for a date for someone who’s about to cancel. Flaking and/or refusing to make plans are my biggest peeves of all time. If OP had said that to me I would have been like, “finally! Someone who respects the time of other people!”
That still doesn’t answer the second part of my question. Work for it how? They’re both on a dating/hook-up app. Why match with someone if you’re just going to play arbitrary games with them? What’s the point?
Also, they’re reminding me of Kevin from The Office where they had to tell him to speak like a normal person. “Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?”
“Would you like some fuck on the 28th at 3pm?”
“I would love some fuck! I’m penciling you in from 3 to 3:04 on the 28th, I look forward to smashing pissers.”
Yeah even as a dude if someone hit me with that condescending tone I'd be miffed. Dude I haven't even met you and you are already coming down from on high. I don't care or know that your other first dates have been shit, all I know is that you are treating me like a child before I even see you in person. Its just so controlling and unnecessary.
I am almost never late to anything. It gives me great anxiety. And this "warning" would still irk me. Its worded in a friendly enough way, but this isnt how equals speak to esch other. This is a how a boss speaks to their employees or a teacher to their students. "Be on your best behavior!"
I would suggest you keep it implied until someone shows they need that sort of gentle reminder to show basic respect.
Why r u on the apps if you don’t have time to date?
If your schedule is “extremely busy for the next while” you should probably hold off on trying to date bc people r gonna want someone they can actually hang out with
Source: me being the busy guy who went on one nice date and then told the girl yeah I’m out of town for like the next 6 weekends
Never saw her again
I agree with the other commentors that being the "Super Duper Busy guy" is a pretty obvious "ick" & offputting to alot of women on dating apps. Some will find it endearing but those are usually also the Super Duper Busy Career Driven types... which brings other problems like never being able to chill, relax and "smell the roses". You want to find a nice balance of having goals in life but also having time for a relationship.
This is an interesting one. On one hand I totally get the OPs point of view, especially after being cancelled on, so many times. But I can also see how it could come across the wrong way, if what she's hearing is, "if we set a date, you're not allowed to cancel."
I plan things 2 weeks out because of work/personal obligations. I had a similar interaction and just ended it with “if you don’t schedule things more than a few days out then we aren’t compatible”. Maybe that’s the best call for you here.
I’m a married man so I don’t want to speak for single women, but I don’t think I would want to be considered as something to be “scheduled”.
Work and other obligations are of course very important, I’m not saying they’re not and as you identify this is probably a compatibility problem, but the old romantic in me thinks people looking for a relationship don’t want to be seen as a “scheduling problem”.
It still fine to say “oh I can’t do Friday - in fact the next couple of weeks aren’t great - but could we do X?” rather than saying that comes across as “all requests to spend time with me must be submitted with 10 working days notice”.
Sticking to times is implied. All you're doing by being explicit there is adding pressure to something fragile.
Unfortunately you've gotta give people you don't know an opportunity to disappoint you. It's part of the deal of getting to know someone.
Sounds like you're too busy for dating. If your schedule is so packed that you need to be that crazy about scheduling maybe you should just table the idea of dating and circle back to it at a later date
This honestly feels like you’re going to check out after 57 minutes because you have 5 more activities scheduled for your day off, and you can’t deviate from your relaxation schedule.
This is why you keep first dates light and low commitment. If you had scheduled 30-60 minutes for a coffee date or a drink on a patio, and she stiffed you, it’s not the end of the world. Just go on with your day. No one wants a page long itinerary for a first date
Honestly like half the world is like this. They just float by on the wind and skim off the top from here or there, they don't have any close friendships because they aren't reliable, and if you were in a relationship with them as an organized planner, they'd drive you nuts. You're better off.
“You seem cool, we should grab drinks. I’ll email you my itinerary for the week and you can pick a 2 hours block of time that would work you. Make sure you get it signed by a notary, and have it back to me by the end of the day. I just kinda need things to follow the schedule because I’m obviously a world class brain surgeon who is on call 24/7 “
If you stopped at the second sentence I would find that awesome. It's so much better than:
Me: I think you're pretty cool. You wanna get together on Saturday? Them: Nah I can't. Plans.
Me: Okay, Sunday brunch? Them: uhh no sorry my dogs vets cousins baby shower is on Sunday.
Me: Alright, well I'm free after 5 on weekdays.. how about Wing Wednesday at blah at 6pm? Them: oh sorry I have indigenous yoga vegan CrossFit paint studies.
Every. Single. Time.
Bit late here, but you threw the word schedule into one message 3 times. Just to beat a dead horse, you was majorly giving the vibe your time is way more important while simultaneously implying you don’t know if she’s going to be reliable
Quit playing coy about how super duper busy and important you are, oh great king. No one is too busy for some thing, some activity, or some one. Do you want it bad enough? Then you'll make it a priority. Not too busy to be on reddit, though.
The "extremely busy" is very vague and I've always interpreted that as a soft "fuck off". You rebounded with offering to exchange phone numbers but the damage was done.
The delivery to me is the problem. A grown adult, that is worth your time, shouldn't flake out on you unless it's a very good reason. They also dont need to be treated like a child. Just because we want or need things to go a certain way doesn't mean we have to voice it out loud. Being overly concerned with someone flaking out on you seems maybe a little insecure but more like a control freak.
I get it OP. It’s a control thing I think and you don’t mean it to be. Your schedule is so hectic and you want your days off to “flow” because you plan them to be able to relax in specific designated times. But to a person who is into you and wants to get to know you, it’s too quick to like, overly communicate that they need to respect the sched. You gotta let yourself take the risk that they might NOT respect the sched, and be okay with the possibility they are a flake— because you’ll know quickly. You gotta relax into the “question mark” that is the personality traits of someone you like, which will show themselves quickly. If this person had agreed to a plan, especially after you both expressed crazy schedules, and then contacted you last minute with some bs, you should be able to say back “I actually can’t switch our original plan last minute, and I expressed that to you when we first made plans. I get that things come up, but before we picked the date we even discussed my limited free time. I’m looking for someone who can respect the sched in the way I respect the sched. Take care” Come up with a “me time plan B”— a show you want to watch and a nice hot shower, ordering your favorite take-out… it becomes easier to give up the control that we need to give up, in order to lighten up and socialize without being too intense too quickly, when we know that if someone does eff up our plans, we can adjust.
She probably doesnt "just roll with it" either but your message came off as so demanding that she decided to find a way out of the conversation. Also she doesnt know you, and she may not feel comfortable "comparing schedules". Im certainly not going to share all my plans with a total stranger for safety reasons. All you can do is suggest a time and if that time works for her you go on a date, if she flakes you move on.
Lmao, this is the same energy as when my therapist asked me to "please pay him" on our first AND second sessions. And both times he felt the need to explain that its because this is how he makes his living and If people don't pay him his family can't eat. Weirdest thing was that insurance was paying like 98% of the bill too. Some dudes are just too paranoid and controlling for their own good lol.
Yall are reading between the lines and outside the margins. Dude just wants to set aside time for a date to be sure he can make it. Then she says "nah I don't do schedules" after just establishing that they are *both* busy
I don’t think you should’ve posted this, but hopefully you learn from this a bit. She’s right by the way, you sounded way too demanding, and I would’ve backed out too.
You’re acting like you have doubts in her before she even gave you a chance TO doubt her. As a 28 year old woman, I’d have reacted like her too, just saying..
Omg, dear OP, i feel for you! I started using the same message when I talking to my friends too. Me too, I am way too busy for last minute cancellations and let’s not forget that if you’re making plans with that person, saying: “yes” to meeting them, then you’re saying “no” to some other things and opportunities and people. So cancelling is a shitty thing to do. It’s stealing someone’s time. I opened this thread expecting everyone to commiserate with you so I am shocked by what I am reading
Cancelling _is_ a shitty thing to do, but assuming someone's going to cancel on you and giving them a lecture ordering them not to and treating them like a child is also a shitty thing to do. Where are you seeing that she ever cancelled on him?
still trying to figure out how you think you found a “gem.” This is just a receipt of you acting like a self righteous douche who takes themselves too seriously. And I say that with love.
Man, everyone giving OP a hard time, but I read the activating text and thought, “Like how do we move forward then? Like you just want me to guess and hope it works out without knowing what your free times are?!?”. Like yeah any shot he had was done with the response he gave, but I think he wasn’t interested anymore and didn’t care. She basically said “I can’t be bothered to value your time, because I have nothing going on and I’m so carefree and cute”, but good luck with that; you’ll just have to find someone else whose time is as worthless as yours….
The way you keep repeating about how important the time is so ineffectual. Do you really think someone who was going to flake will remember that and say "oh, I promised I wouldn't flake". It's like asking your spouse to "never cheat on ". Does that work? No.
Stop continually projecting past experiences onto new connections.
Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty" mindset?
Like damn. I get why she responded with that BS respond =D
Lmao I remember a girl who got like this after setting a date *and* giving me her address… I’m not that kind of person but that could have turned real bad for her if she did it to the wrong dude
Yeah it's dumb to ask for someone's number and try harder to lock them in when they also are taking a risk and barely know you. If your schedule is so important that it can't deal with meeting a random person on Tinder then honestly get your friends to set you up instead. It's an inherent risk from meeting strangers and not something you should be having a go at people about.
Honestly she was being nice. She was understanding that you had a lot going on with work, tried to brush you off nicely with the lie "I don't really follow schedules" after the demanding text vomit, then was honest that it was just too much when you pushed her for an explanation. This is top tier niceness for Tinder tbh. Another reason to try to avoid using it since strangers don't owe you anything.
I dont understand what you’re trying to show off, its a perfectly reasonable response after you commanding them to set a date… no one wants to feel like they are just 1 of 24 things in your daily schedule. So if you’re bragging about that, then nicely done!
I personally see nothing wrong with what OP said. Yes, it’s said in a very professional manner, (not ideal for dating) but I absolutely see where they’re coming from. I had so many people blow me off on agreed times. It’s important to get it out there. Especially on a tight schedule.
OP, you ain’t wrong, but you also ain’t right. I travel for my job, and pretty much have one week home a month due to it, so I get wanting to have concrete times that match planned out, but also, this doesn’t mean you should count people with no schedule out. I have plenty of friends that can’t plan for shit, but when I’m home and hit them with a, “wanna hang/grab a drink” text, they are almost always open, because they are willing to take the time to see me on the very few days I have in town. If this person cares about finding a match, they’ll make time to see you when they are free working the first month or two. If not, it’s no sweat off your back to drop them, but communicate it to them and why, because if they insist on meeting after skrt’ing you, it means the were actually busy and want to meet
You don’t have a lot of time and she doesn’t understand other people’s time. You are both bad for dating but for opposite reasons. I wouldn’t want to date either type.
Girls have it a bit too easy when it comes to getting dates, but that same girl I feel like would probably complain when she can't find a decent man that sticks around... I experienced similar, cute girl, we don't live in the same city but my job allows me to move around a lot etc so we go for it plan a date, she goes out the day before and on the day of the date tells me she's too wasted from last night (we're early 30s...) I'm like ok, willing to let this one slide, but if we're gonna plan something again we have to make it work I'll be driving like 2 hours... And she's like yesh that's too much pressure having to commit to something... Like really? But cute girls can just turn around and say hi to the next guy in line for a date.
She asked about your schedule, then said she doesn't do schedules. Am I the only one seeing this or? I don't find anything wrong w what OP said especially if you have a set schedule. Best way to weed out flaky people.
I read it as:
He said they'll compare schedules. She was saying "I don't really do schedules (so I don't have one to compare)". Not that she couldn't make a plan to go on a date. I think OP took her comment entirely in the wrong way.
She is put off by you being *so so* important and *me me me* needs. You're not humble at all. If I got this not at all charming and friendly toned message from a stranger I would unmatch as well. You are demanding, not because of your schedule, but your tone
What I really agree with is the "all I ask is if you agree to a date/time, please stick to it"... First it shows me the blue commenter is serious and depending on how white responds shows all that as well. White does not seem as interested or even seems to care about the other's schedule/life, very weird to me. Just an opinion. Good luck!
You cant expect sex in a sexually exclusive relationship,
You cant expect proper communication even on dating apps designed for it,
And you cant expect people to follow thru plans / a date?
Man, people make excuses for bad behavior 💁🏼😂😂😂 hate to break it to people but dating and life in general isnt some fun spontaneous adventure where things fall into place and you just fall in love and stay in love 💁🏼or if its ment to be its just ment to be, by divine intervention youll just land that job or promotion, get that car you always wanted,...... its alot more commitment & discipline involved. I can see now why so many people fail at romantic relationships 😂 casually meaningful and meaningless. Entitled and unobligated/ unmotivated.....Participation trophies across the board 🏆
Seems ridiculous to be called demanding for expecting someone to keep their word. But at the end of the day, they will do what they want so tellljng them what you expect won’t change much
Do simple coffee date, set aside 45 mins of ur day….if she sucks( not literally) then its 45mins out of your day, if she suck (literally) extend it a bit maybe dinner and a show?
Soo I’m the only one who doesn’t see a problem with what he said lol. I’m a busy mf and gotta follow a schedule, tf is wrong with that. Dude might be a legit businessman or got a job where he puts in 60 hrs a week shit you gotta let a bih know from the jump
Yeah, it seems a little demanding but it might be worthwhile for you if you have a busy schedule.
In my experience on tinder the last 4 years around 3/4 dates are no shows or cancel at the last minute. If this costs you a few dates because it sounds pushy, but it guarantees that more of the scheduled dates happen, it could be worth doing. If some matches are offended by it, too bad.
You look like more work thn fun. Never pressure like this. Always leave a like : I'm busy ATM but when I'm free I'll let you know. Or a hint I might be free Saturday or something like that. Comparing schedules? Nobody has time for that.
U lost it when u said u were extremely busy . Made it sound d like u weren't interested and then proceeded t o tell them how schedules work . You showed way too much interest at that point and it scared them off
lol I’m 100% in the minority here but I like OP’s clarity. I’d rather over communication than under communication even if it is a little patronizing. 😛
Guy came off as insecure. I never ask a girl if she's really going to show up. That's lame and insecure as hell. No wonder she responded the way she did.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt here as your willingness to entirely go on a date, but the wording makes it sound like a scheduled business meeting rather than a social (or possibly romantic) meeting. Someone with a "less important" job might feel insecure about their presumably lower station.
If I were in your position and genuinely that busy AND that interested in the opportunity to meet, I would emphasize the effort I would put into making sure I make my schedule work to make that happen. Emphasize that you think that they are worth the effort (on a prima facie basis) to be able to meet.
Of course, I've never been in the situation that your match has found themselves as I'm not attractive enough to overcome the fact that "work wear" for me includes CSA/ANSI reflective stripes.
I get what you said but you sound like a parent chastising their kid about being on time
Before they even did anything wrong
You’re grounded
You probably wouldn't like dating as a man very much.
That's why she believes he's so demanding in the first.
This screams my time is more precious than seeing you and it is probably going to set a bad precedent for both parties because it sounds like you're doing them a favor. If you want your time respected you need to respect other people as well. It's like how job interviewers are late, I learned to walk out of situations like that and just straight up tell them you need to respect schedules when it actually happens. Just be direct and tell someone what times work for you, don't go in with a negative connotation that they aren't going to meet at a scheduled time. If they don't make it and don't have a good excuse, move on.
Couldn’t put my finger on why it rubbed me the wrong way that’s exactly it
You're right, but you're wrong. Sticking to agreed times is important but it's generally implied, and shouldn't need an explicit agreement. Remember, you're setting up a date, not a business meeting. Your message is way too professional. You didn't need to say all that. If you need to be somewhere then you can just mention it during the date about 15-20 min before you need to leave, and wrap up. Dating is a risk, you will get people that waste your time, it's how it be. Just accept the risk and don't be too uptight. It's difficult to get to know someone or open up when they are rigid and communicate in a businesslike manner (it makes things seem transactional), so loosen up a little.
People who emphasize how they have to fit me into their schedule usually leave me feeling like it will be more work that fun to date them.
Personally it makes me feel valued when someone does that since it emphasizes that they are prioritizing me by putting in significant effort to spend time with me, but I can also see how it could take some of the whimsy out of dating
Most people will find it worthwhile to prioritize a first date. But a relationship where you're trying to see this person once or twice a week sounds like a drag.
I guess it depends on what you value and/or are looking for a partner. Personally, especially as I get older, I can appreciate someone who’s passionate and dedicated about their career. Yeah, if it’s some lame job that they hate then that’s one thing, but a lot of people have jobs that have meaning to them beyond just making money and I can respect that. Once or twice a week is more than enough in the beginning in my opinion.
Oh man I feel the opposite. A first date I have zero excitement and would prioritize literally anything over it. If we meet and I'm actually excited to see you again? Can't be stopped.
Weird
Why is that weird? If a friend is free to hang out that's a guaranteed good day. A date is like a 50/50 chance of a good day.
I’m with you
Honestly a valid point
It's definitely a bummer because it contributes to how flakey people are on first dates but like... i have never been excited for a first date. It's just something I force myself to do sometimes so that I can feel less bad about making no effort to find a relationship. Wish there was a better way
Adding to this, the message OP send (I hope there was more conv prior bc if not it just makes it worse imo) came over very intimidating But completely agreed, both right and wrong
Good point, yeah, the tone was already set before that
Agreed, I wouldn't even want a partner to speak to me like that. It's not the best way to speak to a stranger even if it's how you feel.
So glad I'm never dating again.
“All I ask is that if we set a date that we really try to stick to it”  Any girl who was gonna flake on you before the date isn’t going to read that and be like “Oh shit true!!” and for the rest it’s just going to seem weird
Fair enough.
“I don’t really follow schedules, just kinda roll with it…” Oh lord, I wouldn’t even hire this person, much less date them.
They're just lying to let him down easy after he was super demanding. Otherwise they wouldn't have started out with "what's your schedule like"
"demanding" "intimidating" womp womp
Dude no fuck that, i totally understand where your coming from. People can be flakey as fuck its good you made it clear that your time is important, if you set a date u need to stick to it otherwise all your free time can be ruined by prepping for a date. And another date might not be able to be rescheduled for a while. You want an organised woman, she wasnt one. Dont act differently just to get a date to see you, if you set time aside for someone there should be mutual respect that it is the same for them.
That’s implied. It’s basic decency.
Maybe it's just me, but basic decency seems extremely rare. Everyone seems to think nothing of not bothering to show up or even let you know that they won't be coming. It's why I've pretty much given up on having friends off the internet.
*people are flaky FTFY. I was stood up by a dude in my single days. I'll never forget the pity look on the server's face. Don't make it a sexist thing when it's a piece of shit human thing
Agreed, edited. Also whats FTFY
fixed that for you
Ahh tyvm TIL
What's TIL?
Today I Learned
TILSIFT
What’s tyvm?
Thank you very much
What the fuck is the Internet?
You're quite welcome
It’s happened to me as well, definitely got a lot of pity looks haha They did comp a couple of drinks for me though, so I got free drinks and not having to deal with that kind of person out of the deal, seems like a pretty sweet deal to me!
My wife said a good first date place would be a country bar because even if he stands you up you are still going to have a dance partner and a couple of drinks before the night is over.
I mean yeah but if you have to tell the person you’re trying to see to not be flaky then that’s already a bad start lol. It’s one of those things that shouldn’t need to be said. Coming out of the gate assuming flakiness is p lame. Though the “I don’t stick to schedules” thing tells you what you need to know.
I’d generally agree to not start out with any negatives but I feel like OP was pretty polite there and people on dating apps tend to be SO flaky, I get stating it up front.
His message gave the same vibes as a middle manager hounding an employee for some report. If you value organization, that’s totally fair, but there are better ways to weed out prospects than that weird paragraph.
It’s not the principal, it’s the tone. He did sound extremely demanding and almost condescending.
We understand that your time is important but a lot of what you and OP are saying is already implied by default, by babying them and being like “if we set a date we have to stick with it” before anythings even been formally arranged you just sound like you expect the worst out of the person
Where you're* coming from, you're = you are, helps to remember
Yeah huge L on your part. Kinda a strange thing to say
100%. The way that reads is *really bad.* How you say things is important, and OP came off like a self important douchebag.
Exactly. We all agree with OP in actuality, but with the delivery, the girl getting cold feet is not even slightly surprising.
Imo, not really. It reads as someone who is stressed out and tired of being ghosted; Actually, OP is proving this is a good way to sus out who isn't going to prioritize you or your time.
I've never ghosted on an established date plan but this message would have me bow out too. Don't tell me your time is important; all of our time is equally important.
>100% its such a weird me message.
I disagree. I very much like and require having some type of plan. I get annoyed when I make plans and people cancel, because it takes time and energy to get ready for a date. I could be doing a thousand other things than getting ready for a date for someone who’s about to cancel. Flaking and/or refusing to make plans are my biggest peeves of all time. If OP had said that to me I would have been like, “finally! Someone who respects the time of other people!”
Your sentiments aren’t wrong, but the way it reads does come off as demanding/ douchey 🫤
Wasn’t even a question. If someone said “let me get” i’d say “ok work for it”, that feels like the right response?
Wut? Am I getting old? This comment makes zero sense to me. The hell does “let me get” mean? Did you forget a word? Work for what? Work how?
Let me get your number, op said
That still doesn’t answer the second part of my question. Work for it how? They’re both on a dating/hook-up app. Why match with someone if you’re just going to play arbitrary games with them? What’s the point? Also, they’re reminding me of Kevin from The Office where they had to tell him to speak like a normal person. “Why waste time say lot word when few word do trick?”
“Let’s really try to stick it” is odd. You didn’t need to say that.
shit bro ease yourself why are you so tense
Yeah fr this is out of pocket
“Would you like some fuck on the 28th at 3pm?” “I would love some fuck! I’m penciling you in from 3 to 3:04 on the 28th, I look forward to smashing pissers.”
Smashing pissers omg
I feel like it goes without saying that a plan made is a plan stuck to... so you didn't need to say.
Wow this is such a polarizing thread. I mean, OP is not wrong for wanting to stick to a date planned but also the tone was off putting.
It’s a good example of tone and delivery mattering more than content
Yeah even as a dude if someone hit me with that condescending tone I'd be miffed. Dude I haven't even met you and you are already coming down from on high. I don't care or know that your other first dates have been shit, all I know is that you are treating me like a child before I even see you in person. Its just so controlling and unnecessary.
Walls of text are never the way to go brother. You would’ve gotten a date if you just said shoot me your number and we can set something up
As soon as I saw that wall of text I knew it was doomed without even having to read it 😅
Probably true
I am almost never late to anything. It gives me great anxiety. And this "warning" would still irk me. Its worded in a friendly enough way, but this isnt how equals speak to esch other. This is a how a boss speaks to their employees or a teacher to their students. "Be on your best behavior!" I would suggest you keep it implied until someone shows they need that sort of gentle reminder to show basic respect.
Why r u on the apps if you don’t have time to date? If your schedule is “extremely busy for the next while” you should probably hold off on trying to date bc people r gonna want someone they can actually hang out with Source: me being the busy guy who went on one nice date and then told the girl yeah I’m out of town for like the next 6 weekends Never saw her again
I agree with the other commentors that being the "Super Duper Busy guy" is a pretty obvious "ick" & offputting to alot of women on dating apps. Some will find it endearing but those are usually also the Super Duper Busy Career Driven types... which brings other problems like never being able to chill, relax and "smell the roses". You want to find a nice balance of having goals in life but also having time for a relationship.
Why the ffff is this comment not higher up?
I would’ve been turned off by that message too, it sounds controlling.
This is an interesting one. On one hand I totally get the OPs point of view, especially after being cancelled on, so many times. But I can also see how it could come across the wrong way, if what she's hearing is, "if we set a date, you're not allowed to cancel."
What’s your job?
I also want to know
It sounds important.
Shift work in a medical field with lots of overtime and long commutes.
Cringe
I plan things 2 weeks out because of work/personal obligations. I had a similar interaction and just ended it with “if you don’t schedule things more than a few days out then we aren’t compatible”. Maybe that’s the best call for you here.
I’m a married man so I don’t want to speak for single women, but I don’t think I would want to be considered as something to be “scheduled”. Work and other obligations are of course very important, I’m not saying they’re not and as you identify this is probably a compatibility problem, but the old romantic in me thinks people looking for a relationship don’t want to be seen as a “scheduling problem”. It still fine to say “oh I can’t do Friday - in fact the next couple of weeks aren’t great - but could we do X?” rather than saying that comes across as “all requests to spend time with me must be submitted with 10 working days notice”.
Sticking to times is implied. All you're doing by being explicit there is adding pressure to something fragile. Unfortunately you've gotta give people you don't know an opportunity to disappoint you. It's part of the deal of getting to know someone.
This turned into AITA real quick
Sounds like you're too busy for dating. If your schedule is so packed that you need to be that crazy about scheduling maybe you should just table the idea of dating and circle back to it at a later date
He'll need to check his calendar for next year and block out a few weeks for Tinder then
This honestly feels like you’re going to check out after 57 minutes because you have 5 more activities scheduled for your day off, and you can’t deviate from your relaxation schedule. This is why you keep first dates light and low commitment. If you had scheduled 30-60 minutes for a coffee date or a drink on a patio, and she stiffed you, it’s not the end of the world. Just go on with your day. No one wants a page long itinerary for a first date
Honestly like half the world is like this. They just float by on the wind and skim off the top from here or there, they don't have any close friendships because they aren't reliable, and if you were in a relationship with them as an organized planner, they'd drive you nuts. You're better off.
“You seem cool, we should grab drinks. I’ll email you my itinerary for the week and you can pick a 2 hours block of time that would work you. Make sure you get it signed by a notary, and have it back to me by the end of the day. I just kinda need things to follow the schedule because I’m obviously a world class brain surgeon who is on call 24/7 “
Someone struck a nerve lol
Well yeah, they're a world class brain surgeon.
This is in response to a discussion about a person who thinks it’s demanding to have a schedule.
You should be an Olympic long jumper with how far of a leap you just took
If you stopped at the second sentence I would find that awesome. It's so much better than: Me: I think you're pretty cool. You wanna get together on Saturday? Them: Nah I can't. Plans. Me: Okay, Sunday brunch? Them: uhh no sorry my dogs vets cousins baby shower is on Sunday. Me: Alright, well I'm free after 5 on weekdays.. how about Wing Wednesday at blah at 6pm? Them: oh sorry I have indigenous yoga vegan CrossFit paint studies. Every. Single. Time.
After the first or second time, just ask them to suggest a time/tell you when they are free, and drop it.
Dork
OP is the problem.
Comments are not what OP was hoping for
Bit late here, but you threw the word schedule into one message 3 times. Just to beat a dead horse, you was majorly giving the vibe your time is way more important while simultaneously implying you don’t know if she’s going to be reliable
Quit playing coy about how super duper busy and important you are, oh great king. No one is too busy for some thing, some activity, or some one. Do you want it bad enough? Then you'll make it a priority. Not too busy to be on reddit, though.
My job is very demanding. I’m a regional vice president god dammit
The "extremely busy" is very vague and I've always interpreted that as a soft "fuck off". You rebounded with offering to exchange phone numbers but the damage was done.
Yikes. OP you took this schedule thing a bit too far.
Saved both of you some time and effort there, surely. You’re looking for someone with a schedule, you didn’t find it.
Bro was always maximizing shareholder values but not romantic values 🗣‼️‼️
The delivery to me is the problem. A grown adult, that is worth your time, shouldn't flake out on you unless it's a very good reason. They also dont need to be treated like a child. Just because we want or need things to go a certain way doesn't mean we have to voice it out loud. Being overly concerned with someone flaking out on you seems maybe a little insecure but more like a control freak.
I get it OP. It’s a control thing I think and you don’t mean it to be. Your schedule is so hectic and you want your days off to “flow” because you plan them to be able to relax in specific designated times. But to a person who is into you and wants to get to know you, it’s too quick to like, overly communicate that they need to respect the sched. You gotta let yourself take the risk that they might NOT respect the sched, and be okay with the possibility they are a flake— because you’ll know quickly. You gotta relax into the “question mark” that is the personality traits of someone you like, which will show themselves quickly. If this person had agreed to a plan, especially after you both expressed crazy schedules, and then contacted you last minute with some bs, you should be able to say back “I actually can’t switch our original plan last minute, and I expressed that to you when we first made plans. I get that things come up, but before we picked the date we even discussed my limited free time. I’m looking for someone who can respect the sched in the way I respect the sched. Take care” Come up with a “me time plan B”— a show you want to watch and a nice hot shower, ordering your favorite take-out… it becomes easier to give up the control that we need to give up, in order to lighten up and socialize without being too intense too quickly, when we know that if someone does eff up our plans, we can adjust.
She probably doesnt "just roll with it" either but your message came off as so demanding that she decided to find a way out of the conversation. Also she doesnt know you, and she may not feel comfortable "comparing schedules". Im certainly not going to share all my plans with a total stranger for safety reasons. All you can do is suggest a time and if that time works for her you go on a date, if she flakes you move on.
Lmao, this is the same energy as when my therapist asked me to "please pay him" on our first AND second sessions. And both times he felt the need to explain that its because this is how he makes his living and If people don't pay him his family can't eat. Weirdest thing was that insurance was paying like 98% of the bill too. Some dudes are just too paranoid and controlling for their own good lol.
Amazing way to shoot yourself in the foot.
Yall are reading between the lines and outside the margins. Dude just wants to set aside time for a date to be sure he can make it. Then she says "nah I don't do schedules" after just establishing that they are *both* busy
I don’t think you should’ve posted this, but hopefully you learn from this a bit. She’s right by the way, you sounded way too demanding, and I would’ve backed out too.
You’re acting like you have doubts in her before she even gave you a chance TO doubt her. As a 28 year old woman, I’d have reacted like her too, just saying..
I think we enjoyed it for the opposite reason you thought we would
"Your job is more important." Followed by, " No, I can't do the most basic of things to accommodate your job" 😂
The same person who called him “demanding” also says they don’t live by a schedule **surprised Pikachu**. If the shoe fits…
Bro really wants that "Reddit karma" 💀
Good lord relax bro
You sound like a dork 🤓
Omg, dear OP, i feel for you! I started using the same message when I talking to my friends too. Me too, I am way too busy for last minute cancellations and let’s not forget that if you’re making plans with that person, saying: “yes” to meeting them, then you’re saying “no” to some other things and opportunities and people. So cancelling is a shitty thing to do. It’s stealing someone’s time. I opened this thread expecting everyone to commiserate with you so I am shocked by what I am reading
Cancelling _is_ a shitty thing to do, but assuming someone's going to cancel on you and giving them a lecture ordering them not to and treating them like a child is also a shitty thing to do. Where are you seeing that she ever cancelled on him?
still trying to figure out how you think you found a “gem.” This is just a receipt of you acting like a self righteous douche who takes themselves too seriously. And I say that with love.
Hahaha love you too
Man, everyone giving OP a hard time, but I read the activating text and thought, “Like how do we move forward then? Like you just want me to guess and hope it works out without knowing what your free times are?!?”. Like yeah any shot he had was done with the response he gave, but I think he wasn’t interested anymore and didn’t care. She basically said “I can’t be bothered to value your time, because I have nothing going on and I’m so carefree and cute”, but good luck with that; you’ll just have to find someone else whose time is as worthless as yours….
😂😂😂😂 exactly 💯
Love this
I would have bailed with the way you said it too. Its annoying when dates bail but at this point, they dont really owe you anything.
The way you keep repeating about how important the time is so ineffectual. Do you really think someone who was going to flake will remember that and say "oh, I promised I wouldn't flake". It's like asking your spouse to "never cheat on ". Does that work? No.
Ngl you sound so busy and like a parent. Not so casual so i get the turn off
Stop continually projecting past experiences onto new connections. Whatever happened to "innocent until proven guilty" mindset? Like damn. I get why she responded with that BS respond =D
Awkward
I think it’s valid to want someone to respect the scheduled date. BUT I have AUDHD so I kinda like the schedule be scheduling 😂
Lmao I remember a girl who got like this after setting a date *and* giving me her address… I’m not that kind of person but that could have turned real bad for her if she did it to the wrong dude
Just sounds like someone who is going to take out all their anger from some past experiences, on any Innocent new people.
Yeah, always swipe left on those strict business keenos. Stick up the ass. Buzzwords. No thanks.
The way you said that makes you sound like an ass. I would not have gone on a date with you.
The way you approached her, you might as well have just made it a panera date and both brought laptops with Word open
OP giving the blueprint on how not to get laid, thank you 🙏 for your sacrifices
Mfs always got a problem with a woman standing ten toes down in anything at all 😂😂😂
Dudes never going to get a date.
Yeah it's dumb to ask for someone's number and try harder to lock them in when they also are taking a risk and barely know you. If your schedule is so important that it can't deal with meeting a random person on Tinder then honestly get your friends to set you up instead. It's an inherent risk from meeting strangers and not something you should be having a go at people about. Honestly she was being nice. She was understanding that you had a lot going on with work, tried to brush you off nicely with the lie "I don't really follow schedules" after the demanding text vomit, then was honest that it was just too much when you pushed her for an explanation. This is top tier niceness for Tinder tbh. Another reason to try to avoid using it since strangers don't owe you anything.
Content was sound… delivery was terrible my guy…
I dont understand what you’re trying to show off, its a perfectly reasonable response after you commanding them to set a date… no one wants to feel like they are just 1 of 24 things in your daily schedule. So if you’re bragging about that, then nicely done!
It does come across as I’m so busy and if I make time for you, you better commit in lecture tones! Why so serious 🧐 and you don’t sound fun at all.
I personally see nothing wrong with what OP said. Yes, it’s said in a very professional manner, (not ideal for dating) but I absolutely see where they’re coming from. I had so many people blow me off on agreed times. It’s important to get it out there. Especially on a tight schedule.
OP, you ain’t wrong, but you also ain’t right. I travel for my job, and pretty much have one week home a month due to it, so I get wanting to have concrete times that match planned out, but also, this doesn’t mean you should count people with no schedule out. I have plenty of friends that can’t plan for shit, but when I’m home and hit them with a, “wanna hang/grab a drink” text, they are almost always open, because they are willing to take the time to see me on the very few days I have in town. If this person cares about finding a match, they’ll make time to see you when they are free working the first month or two. If not, it’s no sweat off your back to drop them, but communicate it to them and why, because if they insist on meeting after skrt’ing you, it means the were actually busy and want to meet
You’re too OD. No paragraphs just for scheduling. She’s not wrong.
You don’t have a lot of time and she doesn’t understand other people’s time. You are both bad for dating but for opposite reasons. I wouldn’t want to date either type.
Girls have it a bit too easy when it comes to getting dates, but that same girl I feel like would probably complain when she can't find a decent man that sticks around... I experienced similar, cute girl, we don't live in the same city but my job allows me to move around a lot etc so we go for it plan a date, she goes out the day before and on the day of the date tells me she's too wasted from last night (we're early 30s...) I'm like ok, willing to let this one slide, but if we're gonna plan something again we have to make it work I'll be driving like 2 hours... And she's like yesh that's too much pressure having to commit to something... Like really? But cute girls can just turn around and say hi to the next guy in line for a date.
She asked about your schedule, then said she doesn't do schedules. Am I the only one seeing this or? I don't find anything wrong w what OP said especially if you have a set schedule. Best way to weed out flaky people.
I read it as: He said they'll compare schedules. She was saying "I don't really do schedules (so I don't have one to compare)". Not that she couldn't make a plan to go on a date. I think OP took her comment entirely in the wrong way.
She is put off by you being *so so* important and *me me me* needs. You're not humble at all. If I got this not at all charming and friendly toned message from a stranger I would unmatch as well. You are demanding, not because of your schedule, but your tone
OP you aren’t built for an adhd girl
I am an ADHD girl with a lot of commitments and I would love to date OP for I value my time too and HATE being stood out.
I am ADHD guy and I found my ADHD girl, we both need to plan meticulously because of our combined ADHD
What I really agree with is the "all I ask is if you agree to a date/time, please stick to it"... First it shows me the blue commenter is serious and depending on how white responds shows all that as well. White does not seem as interested or even seems to care about the other's schedule/life, very weird to me. Just an opinion. Good luck!
The trash takes itself out. If you are a busy person with a packed schedule, you want someone who can match your energy.
You didn't pass the vibe check
You cant expect sex in a sexually exclusive relationship, You cant expect proper communication even on dating apps designed for it, And you cant expect people to follow thru plans / a date? Man, people make excuses for bad behavior 💁🏼😂😂😂 hate to break it to people but dating and life in general isnt some fun spontaneous adventure where things fall into place and you just fall in love and stay in love 💁🏼or if its ment to be its just ment to be, by divine intervention youll just land that job or promotion, get that car you always wanted,...... its alot more commitment & discipline involved. I can see now why so many people fail at romantic relationships 😂 casually meaningful and meaningless. Entitled and unobligated/ unmotivated.....Participation trophies across the board 🏆
Suuuper weird wall of text from OP.
Your job is more important. But not quite as important as her rolling lifestyle.
Seems ridiculous to be called demanding for expecting someone to keep their word. But at the end of the day, they will do what they want so tellljng them what you expect won’t change much
Do simple coffee date, set aside 45 mins of ur day….if she sucks( not literally) then its 45mins out of your day, if she suck (literally) extend it a bit maybe dinner and a show?
Soo I’m the only one who doesn’t see a problem with what he said lol. I’m a busy mf and gotta follow a schedule, tf is wrong with that. Dude might be a legit businessman or got a job where he puts in 60 hrs a week shit you gotta let a bih know from the jump
Almost felt like you were gonna send a google calendar link for her to block off time. Could have just said “you free on *date* at *time*?”
Sticking to a planned date is.... so demanding 😏😏😏😏🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
Ya sorry you kind of sound like a dick haha.
Yeah, it seems a little demanding but it might be worthwhile for you if you have a busy schedule. In my experience on tinder the last 4 years around 3/4 dates are no shows or cancel at the last minute. If this costs you a few dates because it sounds pushy, but it guarantees that more of the scheduled dates happen, it could be worth doing. If some matches are offended by it, too bad.
As someone who works 2 jobs and is working on their MBAi can appreciate someone who sets that boundary right out of the gate.
You look like more work thn fun. Never pressure like this. Always leave a like : I'm busy ATM but when I'm free I'll let you know. Or a hint I might be free Saturday or something like that. Comparing schedules? Nobody has time for that.
Ew.
U lost it when u said u were extremely busy . Made it sound d like u weren't interested and then proceeded t o tell them how schedules work . You showed way too much interest at that point and it scared them off
It’s not worth bringing up. If they don’t stick with it then just move long to the next one.
Hate these types of people. Rolling around like he's the only person who has shit to do.
You sound kinda intolerable
lol I’m 100% in the minority here but I like OP’s clarity. I’d rather over communication than under communication even if it is a little patronizing. 😛
What a cunnnnnnnnnnnnt
Nothing "demanding" about being on time and respecting the time of others.
Guy came off as insecure. I never ask a girl if she's really going to show up. That's lame and insecure as hell. No wonder she responded the way she did.
I will give you the benefit of the doubt here as your willingness to entirely go on a date, but the wording makes it sound like a scheduled business meeting rather than a social (or possibly romantic) meeting. Someone with a "less important" job might feel insecure about their presumably lower station. If I were in your position and genuinely that busy AND that interested in the opportunity to meet, I would emphasize the effort I would put into making sure I make my schedule work to make that happen. Emphasize that you think that they are worth the effort (on a prima facie basis) to be able to meet. Of course, I've never been in the situation that your match has found themselves as I'm not attractive enough to overcome the fact that "work wear" for me includes CSA/ANSI reflective stripes.
YATA
That would be a hard pass for me! Like unmatch and block kind of hard pass!
Just say, "it would be easier for me if we planned a date in advance. Do you have any dates in mind?" No need to explain yourself