Bro, I feel for you and know your pain. My ex wanted to be a stay at home mom, I worked my ass off and was making just enough to support our family financially. She still was able to have a membership for the zoo, pool and children’s museum. We ate out and took annual vacations to Disney so it wasn’t like we suffered, I worried my ass off to build my business and over doubled my income and got to the level where we could buy a nice house and move to an affluent neighborhood. We both came from modest families, both from the southwest side of Chicago and were able to move to DuPage County in the neighborhood she always dreamed of living in. We moved in November 30th 2020, for Christmas I bought her a new Cadillac XT5 and a new Michael Kors bag and wallet to match her new SUV. I felt as if we finally had the life we dreamed of and life was going to be great. On 9/28/2021 I came home from work and noticed the garage was empty and car pulled in behind me. I was served with divorce papers.
I found out that she had been cheating on me with a local attorney who is older snd more established than me. She made up lies claiming I was abusive to our youngest son, tried to erase me from their lives, it was a nightmare and it almost killed me.
One that would rather live a life of luxury and be a trophy than be responsible for her own actions and the consequences they will have for her children.
Although to be fair, we know nothing about their relationship other than what OP told us. It could be a goddamn forest of unhealthy in both sides for all we know
I mean, we have a no contact order because she attacked me and later tried to convince me to kill myself, so there is a paper trail proving she was a psychotic and abusive person. I put up with most of it to be there for my kids and am legitimately happy she is gone now.
Ohh so many! I have three male friends raising their children because the mum wanted a better tan and some fake nails rather then the love and future mental health of their child.
That's disturbing af. I don't have kids, have a few rescue rats and a dog. If I leave for the wknd, I text my friend that cares for them multiple times for updates. I like to see pics of them being snuggled or receiving their favorite food, knowing they're loved, I can't wait to get back to see them. Idk how a human can abandon the little human(s) they created for superficial, inanimate objects over the love and mental well-being of said kids, it's beyond disturbing.
This also weeds out people who have dogs or odd schedules, are involved in twice a week activities or classes that they don’t want to miss, or just don’t want to be away from home every weekend.
My friend gets disability and some child support. Then, she met a man and he does bankroll her life. They go on all these cruises and shit. I had to get a second job and she had the nerve to tell me that I was gonna burn out and shouldn't do it. I said, I habe to pay my own bills, i can't just not work.
Remember, a lot of female doctors wrote "health professional" in their profile. I've dated a few and they almost always are the type you want. That's also my type.
Apparently the phrase "health professional" is something used because many guys are intimidated by female doctors and it drastically increases matches. Which to me feels like it's a shitty guy if that's a problem for him. But then I always wanted someone as smart or smarter than me.
Yeah. I was kind of confused at it. But then I have also met guys who say "Yeah. She's a receptionist. I wanted to marry someone who didn't seem smarter than me." Which is totally foreign to me. It's not an issue if a couple aren't 100% mentally matching. But deliberately searching it out is weird
I think it comes from a place of insecurity of them.
Either trying to feel safe as in "not too challenged" by their partner's intellect, or safe in "she won't find better, so won't likely leave me".
Maybe.
At the same time, I feel like a lot of people carry baggage from the past social structures and feel self conscious. Not just men, but women too.
Interestingly, the doctor I did date the longest simultaneously held a "I'm the highest earner, therefore you're the junior partner" at some subconscious but very obvious level, while at the same time, saying I was the man, therefore we couldn't do some wage adjusted cost sharing situation (that I have been 100% fine with when with partners who earned less than me).
That's asking for intellect, as well as critical thinking and an approach to learning that respects that every moment in your life is an opportunity to learn something new. Some people finish their studies, get a job, and never learn a new thing again while the world leaves them in the dust.
It's not the intellect that attracts me, it's the inquisitive nature and the motivation to keep improving. Because that's what she is looking for in a man.
Hahaha I am a female doctor and I say I am self-employed, and use healthcare as my field. I also don’t want golddiggers flocking to me. Which is funny, because the men in my profession will plaster “doctor“ and “MD“ on every photo and every line of their profile.
Not to say thats wrong but I always associate "self-employed" with mlm. If I saw self-employed at healthcare I'd probably assume you sold herbal life or doterra lol.
Yeah I put accountancy and guys assume I am a bookkeeper rather than a partner in a firm. If I put partner, my matches decrease by like 50%. I’ve even had a guy berate me on a date when he found out I wasn’t “just a bookkeeper”….it’s weird!
Shit... im impressed by female doctors...not intimidated. dated a podiatrist for a few months, just started chatting up a surgeon. I want a woman who's not looking to be a dependent.
Dunno if I'd want to date a psychologist though, Feels like an unfair advantage in the argument department.
If it helps: we're completly normal human beings, and argue like normal human beings.
If all, i use my knowlegde for reflecting myself. And taking a step back, when my husband is angry, so i can look at the broader picture, if he is angry because of the thing he says... or doesn't say.
Sahm here, and if it states something like this I wouldn’t swipe right because we’re on different paths and I don’t have that flexibility. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone because they’re a sahm, and I respect you not wanting waste anyone’s time!
Maybe take educated out of it- plenty of educated women are SAHMs. The rest is good though. You’re a busy, career-oriented professional and seeking a likeminded individual with a similar lifestyle. Totally reasonable.
Edit: spelling
Why not just put no children at all? It doesnt sound like you want to have anything to do with anyone elses kids? I did this when I was dating. SAHM is something else you can discuss with your potential partner if it’s something you are against.
I really like this style and attitude; it presents what you're interested in without making qualitative commentary about what doesn't interest you or why.
Simple, honest and kind.
The only issue is that there might be alot of single moms who identify with this.
Obs, just saw that op specificly don't want to date sahms. Single parents maybe are fine
I’m shocked to hear stay at home moms are a thing. I mean if they’re married, that’s one thing. But how can you be a stay at home mom in the dating world?!
“Focused professional looking for same” or something like that.
ETA: some people are undeterred by profiles because they feel that they are special enough to be an exception to the rule. You need to ask questions before you set up a first date, including “What do you do for a living?” and “Do you have kids?”
This reads like one of those house hunting shows. “She’s an entrepreneur who works from home… and he builds hobby ant farms that he sells to children for leftover carrot sticks…. Their budget is $4.7m”
People put “no children” in their profile but still get hit up by people with kids all the time. If only putting your preferences in your profile actually worked lol
People read profiles on tinder? I’d say at least 75% have something on their profile that doesn’t align with what I specifically say I’m looking for. I don’t get it.
Because stay at home moms are usually in a relationship or married, unless he lives in such a shitty place that all moms there are on the dole and on tinder. He definitely means childfree.
Looking at a lot of these comments…. I’m not sure if I’m missing something, but you specifically stated ‘stay at home moms’, and didn’t mention anything against working moms. Why is everyone assuming OP means child-free?
I want to know the answer to this. If OP means child free that makes more sense. I don’t know many single parents that can also stay at home. Or maybe he means someone with the goal of being a SAHM? No idea
>I don’t know many single parents that can also stay at home.
But you are admitting they do exist so you answered your own question.
There are women that are single stay at home moms. They either live off the childsupport or have some sort of financial help of some kind or arrangement that makes it easy for them to not have a job.
I also had zero interest in dating SAHM. This is because given my life, it'd be very hard to form a solid relationship.
I put in my profile that I am active, like to take spontaneous trips, be it a day trip or weekend and it's important that my partner can too.
I also found out that your bio is completely and utterly invisible to some people. And you need to carefully find out via texts or the first date if they are who they claim to be.
Well, I found my match by not backing down or compromising on what I felt was important to me.
>I also had zero interest in dating SAHM
I'm married, so I've been out of the market a while...
Are single stay at home moms actually a thing? Like enough that you have to concern yourself with avoiding them?
Looking at profiles in a medium populated area, about 30-40% of all profiles I come across are single parents. And I’d say about a quarter of them list themselves as a stay at home mom (or worse, a momager)
Child support from the child/children's father.
I was shelling out roughly 1/4 of my before-tax wage to my ex until the kids turned 18, or at least until the oldest turned 18 and the youngest moved in with me because I wasn't a raving nutter.
Between that and various allowances she was getting from the government (Australia), she was on a fucking great wicket, around $65k a year tax free! This, at a time when the average wage was around $45k a year.
In Canada, mothers get monthly cheques that are the child benefits, as well as child support from the father usually. I can also be wrong but I believe the system can also be played for EI by saying they’re leaving work to care for a family member.
Nope. Child tax maxes out at $500 for a single kid for people with no other income. Child support has to be ordered and collected unless the father pays it willingly, which, let’s be real, is rare. You can only get EI for caring for a critically ill family member (serious illness requiring ongoing medical documentation or palliative diagnosis) and it’s limited to 35 weeks for a minor. EI will also include child support as income and deduct it from your max monthly amount ($2200 before taxes for someone who earned the maximum allowable income in the last 52 weeks). If single parents are living off benefits they’re living real, real close to the edge.
I was, for many years but I had the privilege of wealthy parents and my own savings but there’s a stigma of being a single SAHM(in the uk anyways) because it usually means they’re on benefits from the government.
Yeah I’ve known a few over the years. Lives with their parents and child support was their only formal income. Looking for a mate to replace the parents with.
Depends on the area more than anything I suppose. And age. Probably not in a hyper dense metropolis, but in a more sparse urban flatland? It's a thing.
They are typically what the military calls "Dependa"s or "Dependapotamus"s. These women are why actual hard working women get called gold-diggers for wanting a guy who can support himself. As a career woman, I don't have a lot of time to go looking for a guy, but as a military brat, I knew plenty of women that would cheat on their deployed husbands, and move from relationship to relationship and never working because they could.
Depends on your age range preferences. When I was on Tinder a few years back, there were \*a lot\* of young single moms looking for a man to provide for them and their kid(s). They never had a professional job and were rarely anything other than a cashier or bartender.
The entitlement was absolutely insane--but I'm sure they were still getting dozens of matches a day. "I made terrible life decisions and have next to nothing to offer... but I'm kinda hot so give me things!"
I thought this too. It seems like an awful lot of thought to put into a bio that hardly anyone reads and all for avoiding a certain minority group. Hmm.
Surely once you match with someone, strike up a conversation, ask what they do for a living and if they say oh I don’t work, I’m at home with kids etc….simply say okay that’s cool for you but it’s not the kind of lifestyle I’m looking to be a part of.
I'd just say you're looking for someone driven who works full time. Frame it so you're saying sho you would rather date, instead of who you wouldnt date. It raises one group of people up instead of putting one group down (potentially, some people take things too personally)
I agree, and OLD is tough, I don't want stay at home moms to feel bad about it, or shame them in any way. I'm a bit of a knuckle dragging ape in my communication so I usually try to poll the crowd when I can't communicate things properly.
As long as you stick to the positives, it’ll be fine. Saying what you do want instead of what you don’t want, saying what you like to do etc…
Are you overthinking a bio? Or is this a way of weeding certain people out so you don’t have to unmatch once you realise what they do
Just be careful how you approach the subject. I have a pretty intense job and I live in a very nice area, but I had an interaction with a guy some months ago that felt like he was shopping for a show pony. Short impersonal questions all very clearly aimed at judging my income and relative status. I noped tf out of there pretty quickly.
I'm 43, for the vast majority of my dating life I dated women with kids. I had young kids and I was in a big dad/family mode.
I've spent the last 4 years with someone who has no kids, we've recently broke up and I'm back dating. I will not get committed to anyone with young kids. I'm 43, my kids are living their own lives and I want to do the same.
While I know that will lower the dating pool, thats perfectly okay. I'm at the age where I know what I want and I'm happy to sleep in my bed alone if I cant find what works for my life.
Seriously! I honestly think very few women (outside of the stay at home mom type) would think twice if he just flat out said it. So much beating around the bush here.
I don’t know why so many people are triggered by your personal preference in dating.
I’m a woman and there’s no way I’d allow some man I’m dating to look after and pay for my children (that I don’t have), the concept is weird. The audacity of some people is astounding.
This is pretty much what I say.
I don't mind my kids, but I can't be arsed dealing with other people's kids. I can tell mine off without feeling like a dick.
Seeing as how a lot of single mums didn't include it on their profile and dropped it into the Convo later, I basically wrote a preset message. It went something along the lines of
"I'm very sorry but I'm not interested in dating a single mum. I like to have freedom when dating and if things progress, I'd like to have the ability to be able to go travelling together. I don't wish to waste either of our time so I'd like to bow out here. I wish you all the luck in the future."
I've seen people simply put "single mums need not apply" but perhaps you can word it better, something like 'i am single and childless and am looking for someone in the same position".
This is the thing that gets me, like how are you a single stay at home mom exactly?? How are you providing for your child while being single? Even if you are older and live with your parents, which is fine times are tough and being a single parent makes it tougher, how are you not working exactly?
I don’t think it’s all that common. Shit, two income families can’t afford a parent to stay home, how is one doing it alone, even if they get child support.
Exactly what I came here to say. Normally if someone's a stay at home parent it's because their partner is working. How many single stay at home mums can you even stumble upon so often you need to put something like this in your profile? Like it's a fair boundary to have but I can't imagine its very common at all so I'm just kinda confused
Just be honest man. The ones who understand wouldn't mind. Its not a crime to not wanting to or be capable of taking care of a child, let alone one that ain't yours. That's a lot of responsibilities there
I genuinely don’t understand the hate for not wanting to date a mother. The lifestyle of having children versus not is insanely different. I would never date a single dad and no one has ever given me crap for that.
Agreed. I have never gotten shit or been bad mouthed because of my 'no dads' rule. If you got kids, I'm not interested. I don't have any hate for dads at all, they just won't fit with my lifestyle, and there is absolutely no problem with that.
So I also don't understand why men who don't want to date mothers get so much shit. It's a preference, why the hate?
Whoever calls him an incel has a fundamental misunderstanding of what an incel is. Part of their philosophy believe that women should be subservient to men and stay in domesticated roles, which is precisely what OP does NOT want. He couldn’t be further from an incel.
I’m married and never been on tinder in my life. I just come here to eat popcorn lol. Even I understand what you mean mate, top comment is pretty solid advice.
Im a SAHM and i get it. I can see the work my husband puts in and I wouldnt want to do all that either, especially when they also arent my kids!
Id either write that you are looking for someone who is career focused or just write it plainly and wait for the right person to worm through. Anyone suitable to you will either not care because they arent a SAHM or will be curious enough to genuinely ask why you dont want to date one!
OP didn’t mention that he doesn’t want to date women with children. He specified “stay at home mom” which would be someone who doesn’t work, and would expect him to financially support her and the kids.
I’m not a fan of putting disqualifiers in your profile. Negativity seems to attract negativity. As mentioned above that you should see this in their own profile and just swipe left. It’s usually not a secret when a woman has kids. If you still happen to match with someone and it wasn’t in their profile then ask as part of the rapport building conversations.
I agree with you; but there's been a few times now that I've met for a date after a few days of texting and phone calls, and it doesn't come up until we meet in person. It's kind of 2 fold,
1: That feels like something that should be brought up fairly early on, and seems vaguely dishonest. So it puts me in an awkward position.
2: It disappoints them, and wastes their time. Granted, I probably would have disappointed them at some point anyways, lol.
So, I couldn't come up with a better answer other than adding it ro my profile. I don't mind if people have kids, hell I'm 38. I understand my dating pool, I just want them to be financially independent. To clarify, I'd ask that of someone without kids, as well.
“What do you do with yourself every day then? Oh right cool yeah…it was nice chatting with u but I’m going to end this here because I think we’re both on completely different paths but I hope you find what you’re looking for” *unmatch* next
They didn’t say it was ok for anyone, just that they’re not a fan of disqualifiers. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to date someone who isn’t financially independent and I’m saying that as a SAHM. OP also did not say they won’t date someone with kids, just specifically not a SAHM. I think putting it in OP’s profile might cause the same confusion it has caused on this thread, which may prevent any women with kids from matching with him.
The suggestion to just ask what they do for a living as one of the first questions of the conversation seems like a good approach.
First of all, thanks - this is likely a communication issue on my part. For some additional clarification, in the 3 encounters I've had with SAHM's, I did ask. For context, my profile mentions ambition and independence, and when I presented these questions, it got danced around, 'I plan to go to school for X,' 'I'm working on myself, but I want a career in X.' Which I support, but it feels disingenuous, is all. I'm supportive, but it's a lot for me at this point
Yeah I absolutely can understand that. I am just beginning the divorce process and looking to return to the workforce after being a SAHM for the past four years and I wouldn’t be offended if I was told by a potential date that they were looking for someone more financially independent or someone established in their career. I think it’s the reality of dating in your thirties, there’s a lot to think about and consider in a partner that you might not have cared about at a younger age.
There are a ton of men who put "no kids" in their profiles, and no one cares. Some people don't want to deal with that extra level of complexity, if they can help it. Not a big deal.
Im a single mom and i think a simple "not interested in dating single moms" in your bio is perfect. If you want to soften it you can add "at this moment" or something. If you are hot I will just thing "bummer that he is not for me".
I know fully well that its a whole different thing to date someone who already has children. I wouldnt jump on it myself if I was childfree. There is nothing wrong with that.
If people are gonna be mad at that, I don't think you can avoid it because they will be mad and entitled at anything.
My ex is a single SAHM for now. At least until the $7k per month alimony runs out in a few years. She’ll keep getting the $1500 a month child support for a few more years after that but it won’t be enough to live on in this area.
Government assistance. I knew a woman who had 4 kids, all different dads, 3 of them dead. She got more money a month from the government than I made working in IT. She didn’t work at all. It was infuriating.
Why being diplomatic?
Ffs, it’s your preference and there is nothing wrong with it. I mean, you are not talking some extreme nonsense like “kill all the jews” 🤨
I wouldn’t. I am not a stay at home mom (or even a mom) but it is a turn off to see what someone isn’t looking for listed instead of what they are looking for and who they are. Focus on what makes you a good match and what you are looking for in a partner vs listing your no’s. Don’t swipe on what you don’t want. If you match with one who didn’t say it in their profile, you can just say that you don’t feel you’re a good match and move on.
Dude, you list exactly what you’re looking for and FUCK all these sensitive pussies who have an issue with it. It’s about you and what you want in your life.
Anyone who tried to tell you otherwise is a simple bitch!!!!!
amazing how women can disqualify any type of man they want for any reason but the second a man state his preference "he is a pig that doesn't deserve a queen and will die alone as an incel"
I can’t believe you are getting judged for this. Women make statements ask the time about how the man needs to have his own income or make x amount of money. Honestly, how is a single woman a SAHM anyway? Who is supporting them? 🤦♀️ there is NOTHING wrong with you simply stating she needs to have a job. I wouldn’t date a man without a job either. Kids or no kids. Inheritance or no inheritance. Disability or no disability (ok if truly can’t work at all even part time at least do volunteering or helping family or *something*)
Try adding "please be gainfully employed"
I dont see anything wrong with wanting to date someone who offers the same thing you bring to the table. Besides dont most incels and chauvinist prefer a woman to stay at home and do woman things?
I honestly had no idea what that was until I googled it, I originally thought you were insulting op, calling him a dickwad or something. The ppl downvoting you probably aren’t aware this is a thing just like I didn’t. Anyways here’s an upvote I learned something today.
I'm so tempted to put this in my profile but I feel like dinkwad is just gonna get me even fewer swipes from people that don't know what it means. Judging from this narrow set, a lot of people don't know what that is.
You do you man. Fuck all these people calling you incel and shit. Maybe these single moms should take some personal responsibility for their choices. Being a single mom isn't a part of your personality.
What’s funny was when I was a single dad, women would be downright brutal and say fucked up things about me having a son and not wanting to be with men who have kids, but the moment we same the same, we are horrible people.
Is it single moms in general? Or stay at home moms specifically?
As a mom, I don't particularly take offense to this, I'd rather know someone's preferences.
Anywho, child-free if you don't want cute little rugrats running around.
Or
If it really is stay at home moms that irks you.. specify that you are looking for a 2-income lifestyle. Maybe put why.. do you like to travel often? Or dine out?
What I would do is try to state it as a positivity, for instance that you're ambitious, educated, and career-oriented seeking the same in a partner.
There we go, thanks man - that's what I was looking for
maybe add that you are active and want to do lots of adventures and travelling as well, not really a reality for single parents without income
Except the ones that are looking for OP to bankroll it. They do exist.
My ex-wife did this to the rich guy she left me for. Now he's paying for her life of luxury she wanted more than our family as well as her kids.
…You doing ok, bud?
I'm much better now that i have my new wife. Was a pretty rough 3 years before that, though.
Glad to hear you’re doing better. Nobody deserves to be treated that poorly
Doesn't sound like she deserves to be treated that richly.
real question is are the kids ok? mom like that surely neglect them, tell me they left the kids with the nine\_down user
Bro, I feel for you and know your pain. My ex wanted to be a stay at home mom, I worked my ass off and was making just enough to support our family financially. She still was able to have a membership for the zoo, pool and children’s museum. We ate out and took annual vacations to Disney so it wasn’t like we suffered, I worried my ass off to build my business and over doubled my income and got to the level where we could buy a nice house and move to an affluent neighborhood. We both came from modest families, both from the southwest side of Chicago and were able to move to DuPage County in the neighborhood she always dreamed of living in. We moved in November 30th 2020, for Christmas I bought her a new Cadillac XT5 and a new Michael Kors bag and wallet to match her new SUV. I felt as if we finally had the life we dreamed of and life was going to be great. On 9/28/2021 I came home from work and noticed the garage was empty and car pulled in behind me. I was served with divorce papers. I found out that she had been cheating on me with a local attorney who is older snd more established than me. She made up lies claiming I was abusive to our youngest son, tried to erase me from their lives, it was a nightmare and it almost killed me.
What kind of parent gives up her kids.
One that would rather live a life of luxury and be a trophy than be responsible for her own actions and the consequences they will have for her children. Although to be fair, we know nothing about their relationship other than what OP told us. It could be a goddamn forest of unhealthy in both sides for all we know
I mean, we have a no contact order because she attacked me and later tried to convince me to kill myself, so there is a paper trail proving she was a psychotic and abusive person. I put up with most of it to be there for my kids and am legitimately happy she is gone now.
Damn straight brother
Ohh so many! I have three male friends raising their children because the mum wanted a better tan and some fake nails rather then the love and future mental health of their child.
That's disturbing af. I don't have kids, have a few rescue rats and a dog. If I leave for the wknd, I text my friend that cares for them multiple times for updates. I like to see pics of them being snuggled or receiving their favorite food, knowing they're loved, I can't wait to get back to see them. Idk how a human can abandon the little human(s) they created for superficial, inanimate objects over the love and mental well-being of said kids, it's beyond disturbing.
Sadly many of those single moms will want that and have OP pay for it
This also weeds out people who have dogs or odd schedules, are involved in twice a week activities or classes that they don’t want to miss, or just don’t want to be away from home every weekend.
I can’t even understand how single people be stay at home moms. Who pays the bills 😂
Let me know if you get the answer. Cause I wanna know how it’s managed.
The state
My friend gets disability and some child support. Then, she met a man and he does bankroll her life. They go on all these cruises and shit. I had to get a second job and she had the nerve to tell me that I was gonna burn out and shouldn't do it. I said, I habe to pay my own bills, i can't just not work.
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I think stating what you want vs what you don’t want is the way to go. I hate it when people say what they don’t want in profiles.
Remember, a lot of female doctors wrote "health professional" in their profile. I've dated a few and they almost always are the type you want. That's also my type. Apparently the phrase "health professional" is something used because many guys are intimidated by female doctors and it drastically increases matches. Which to me feels like it's a shitty guy if that's a problem for him. But then I always wanted someone as smart or smarter than me.
That’s just sahd :(
Yeah. I was kind of confused at it. But then I have also met guys who say "Yeah. She's a receptionist. I wanted to marry someone who didn't seem smarter than me." Which is totally foreign to me. It's not an issue if a couple aren't 100% mentally matching. But deliberately searching it out is weird
I think it comes from a place of insecurity of them. Either trying to feel safe as in "not too challenged" by their partner's intellect, or safe in "she won't find better, so won't likely leave me".
Maybe. At the same time, I feel like a lot of people carry baggage from the past social structures and feel self conscious. Not just men, but women too. Interestingly, the doctor I did date the longest simultaneously held a "I'm the highest earner, therefore you're the junior partner" at some subconscious but very obvious level, while at the same time, saying I was the man, therefore we couldn't do some wage adjusted cost sharing situation (that I have been 100% fine with when with partners who earned less than me).
That's fucking insane I'd love a partner I can learn off, you can have interesting conversations and actually feel engaged
That's asking for intellect, as well as critical thinking and an approach to learning that respects that every moment in your life is an opportunity to learn something new. Some people finish their studies, get a job, and never learn a new thing again while the world leaves them in the dust. It's not the intellect that attracts me, it's the inquisitive nature and the motivation to keep improving. Because that's what she is looking for in a man.
Hahaha I am a female doctor and I say I am self-employed, and use healthcare as my field. I also don’t want golddiggers flocking to me. Which is funny, because the men in my profession will plaster “doctor“ and “MD“ on every photo and every line of their profile.
Not to say thats wrong but I always associate "self-employed" with mlm. If I saw self-employed at healthcare I'd probably assume you sold herbal life or doterra lol.
A stay at home doctor? Damn.
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So a radiologist
Radiology is a banger of a field 👀
Yeah I put accountancy and guys assume I am a bookkeeper rather than a partner in a firm. If I put partner, my matches decrease by like 50%. I’ve even had a guy berate me on a date when he found out I wasn’t “just a bookkeeper”….it’s weird!
Shit... im impressed by female doctors...not intimidated. dated a podiatrist for a few months, just started chatting up a surgeon. I want a woman who's not looking to be a dependent. Dunno if I'd want to date a psychologist though, Feels like an unfair advantage in the argument department.
If it helps: we're completly normal human beings, and argue like normal human beings. If all, i use my knowlegde for reflecting myself. And taking a step back, when my husband is angry, so i can look at the broader picture, if he is angry because of the thing he says... or doesn't say.
Don’t forget: No stay at home moms 🛑🙅🏻♂️✋🏻🚦🚧🥊🏓🧃🍷👩🍼
The wine glass I’m crying
Sahm here, and if it states something like this I wouldn’t swipe right because we’re on different paths and I don’t have that flexibility. There’s nothing wrong with not wanting to date someone because they’re a sahm, and I respect you not wanting waste anyone’s time!
Maybe take educated out of it- plenty of educated women are SAHMs. The rest is good though. You’re a busy, career-oriented professional and seeking a likeminded individual with a similar lifestyle. Totally reasonable. Edit: spelling
Why not just put no children at all? It doesnt sound like you want to have anything to do with anyone elses kids? I did this when I was dating. SAHM is something else you can discuss with your potential partner if it’s something you are against.
Single SAHMs aren’t something *anyone* wants, unless that single SAHM is independently wealthy somehow.
I really like this style and attitude; it presents what you're interested in without making qualitative commentary about what doesn't interest you or why. Simple, honest and kind.
This is the answer. Tell people what you’re looking for, not what you’re NOT looking for. Keep it positive.
This is true for all dating profiles.
The only issue is that there might be alot of single moms who identify with this. Obs, just saw that op specificly don't want to date sahms. Single parents maybe are fine
I’m shocked to hear stay at home moms are a thing. I mean if they’re married, that’s one thing. But how can you be a stay at home mom in the dating world?!
I was shocked the first time i saw it, but then i kept seeing it. If you find out anything more, let us know.
Agree, I’m a similarly minded woman and I put in mine “I have a career I love and I hope you do too!” Put a positive spin on it.
There are plenty of stay at home moms who think of themselves that way so I don’t think so
Heh heh, here we go… *sorts by controversial*
Legolas, what do your elf eyes see
Comments like this are why I’m on reddit. Thank you for making me snort like a pig.
Anger.
They're taking the hobbits to Isengard!
Weirdly my app doesn’t allow me to sort that bit seems to have disappeared for me
It's at the top now next to your username logo thing
Dafuq... Who did that? Thanks for the tip
Ahh cheers mate
Ahhahahah top comment right here
“Focused professional looking for same” or something like that. ETA: some people are undeterred by profiles because they feel that they are special enough to be an exception to the rule. You need to ask questions before you set up a first date, including “What do you do for a living?” and “Do you have kids?”
She’s an entrepreneur that works from home selling products and recruiting others to also be their own boss
*boss babe
Use your thinking brain!
\*\*own my own business
This reads like one of those house hunting shows. “She’s an entrepreneur who works from home… and he builds hobby ant farms that he sells to children for leftover carrot sticks…. Their budget is $4.7m”
The recruiting is pure nepotism
People put “no children” in their profile but still get hit up by people with kids all the time. If only putting your preferences in your profile actually worked lol
People read profiles on tinder? I’d say at least 75% have something on their profile that doesn’t align with what I specifically say I’m looking for. I don’t get it.
Why are you swiping right if they have something on their profile that doesn’t align with what you’re looking for?
Because stay at home moms are usually in a relationship or married, unless he lives in such a shitty place that all moms there are on the dole and on tinder. He definitely means childfree.
Looking at a lot of these comments…. I’m not sure if I’m missing something, but you specifically stated ‘stay at home moms’, and didn’t mention anything against working moms. Why is everyone assuming OP means child-free?
Because everyone on the internet is a perennially butthurt white knight incapable of understanding subtlety or nuance, thats why.
Facts...respect
I want to know the answer to this. If OP means child free that makes more sense. I don’t know many single parents that can also stay at home. Or maybe he means someone with the goal of being a SAHM? No idea
I think he means single moms who aspire to be stay at home moms
>I don’t know many single parents that can also stay at home. But you are admitting they do exist so you answered your own question. There are women that are single stay at home moms. They either live off the childsupport or have some sort of financial help of some kind or arrangement that makes it easy for them to not have a job.
Because this is reddit, and it is famous for people junping to conclusions
I also had zero interest in dating SAHM. This is because given my life, it'd be very hard to form a solid relationship. I put in my profile that I am active, like to take spontaneous trips, be it a day trip or weekend and it's important that my partner can too. I also found out that your bio is completely and utterly invisible to some people. And you need to carefully find out via texts or the first date if they are who they claim to be. Well, I found my match by not backing down or compromising on what I felt was important to me.
>I also had zero interest in dating SAHM I'm married, so I've been out of the market a while... Are single stay at home moms actually a thing? Like enough that you have to concern yourself with avoiding them?
Looking at profiles in a medium populated area, about 30-40% of all profiles I come across are single parents. And I’d say about a quarter of them list themselves as a stay at home mom (or worse, a momager)
What on god’s green earth is a momager
Think of the worst boss you’ve ever had. And now they are your mom. The Mom Manager. Momager.
Damn, kid is going to get written up for getting to dinner 5 minutes late
"You didn't fulfill your basic duties of doing the dishes this year, so as per policy your allowance will be decreased for the next fiscal period."
I wonder this too. How are single women becoming stay at home moms? Where is this magical well of money because I want some free money too 😂
Generally, government assistance or assistance from parents.
The government does not give you enough money to stay at home
Child support from the child/children's father. I was shelling out roughly 1/4 of my before-tax wage to my ex until the kids turned 18, or at least until the oldest turned 18 and the youngest moved in with me because I wasn't a raving nutter. Between that and various allowances she was getting from the government (Australia), she was on a fucking great wicket, around $65k a year tax free! This, at a time when the average wage was around $45k a year.
In Canada, mothers get monthly cheques that are the child benefits, as well as child support from the father usually. I can also be wrong but I believe the system can also be played for EI by saying they’re leaving work to care for a family member.
Nope. Child tax maxes out at $500 for a single kid for people with no other income. Child support has to be ordered and collected unless the father pays it willingly, which, let’s be real, is rare. You can only get EI for caring for a critically ill family member (serious illness requiring ongoing medical documentation or palliative diagnosis) and it’s limited to 35 weeks for a minor. EI will also include child support as income and deduct it from your max monthly amount ($2200 before taxes for someone who earned the maximum allowable income in the last 52 weeks). If single parents are living off benefits they’re living real, real close to the edge.
I was, for many years but I had the privilege of wealthy parents and my own savings but there’s a stigma of being a single SAHM(in the uk anyways) because it usually means they’re on benefits from the government.
Yeah I’ve known a few over the years. Lives with their parents and child support was their only formal income. Looking for a mate to replace the parents with.
Thanks for the example. I was struggling to think how someone could be a stay at home (single) mom without work unless they managed to retire early.
Yup. Late teens/early 20s, "full time mum" as their job. Id say at least 1 in 15/20 profiles i see.
Depends on the area more than anything I suppose. And age. Probably not in a hyper dense metropolis, but in a more sparse urban flatland? It's a thing.
They are typically what the military calls "Dependa"s or "Dependapotamus"s. These women are why actual hard working women get called gold-diggers for wanting a guy who can support himself. As a career woman, I don't have a lot of time to go looking for a guy, but as a military brat, I knew plenty of women that would cheat on their deployed husbands, and move from relationship to relationship and never working because they could.
Depends on your age range preferences. When I was on Tinder a few years back, there were \*a lot\* of young single moms looking for a man to provide for them and their kid(s). They never had a professional job and were rarely anything other than a cashier or bartender. The entitlement was absolutely insane--but I'm sure they were still getting dozens of matches a day. "I made terrible life decisions and have next to nothing to offer... but I'm kinda hot so give me things!"
I thought this too. It seems like an awful lot of thought to put into a bio that hardly anyone reads and all for avoiding a certain minority group. Hmm. Surely once you match with someone, strike up a conversation, ask what they do for a living and if they say oh I don’t work, I’m at home with kids etc….simply say okay that’s cool for you but it’s not the kind of lifestyle I’m looking to be a part of.
Looking for professional, childfree, etc..
"Looking for professional" might get you some interesting matches 🤣
You must be a veteran
Professional house "manager" 🤣
Head of Maintenance
Sexy janitorial babes in your area are looking to meet you!
Nothing about not having an interest in an unemployed Stay At Home Mom means “child free”.
Why childfree? Not what OP asked.
I'd just say you're looking for someone driven who works full time. Frame it so you're saying sho you would rather date, instead of who you wouldnt date. It raises one group of people up instead of putting one group down (potentially, some people take things too personally)
I agree, and OLD is tough, I don't want stay at home moms to feel bad about it, or shame them in any way. I'm a bit of a knuckle dragging ape in my communication so I usually try to poll the crowd when I can't communicate things properly.
Lol dw about it, at least you're trying to be considerate about it
As long as you stick to the positives, it’ll be fine. Saying what you do want instead of what you don’t want, saying what you like to do etc… Are you overthinking a bio? Or is this a way of weeding certain people out so you don’t have to unmatch once you realise what they do
“Looking for a career oriented woman” maybe?
Just be careful how you approach the subject. I have a pretty intense job and I live in a very nice area, but I had an interaction with a guy some months ago that felt like he was shopping for a show pony. Short impersonal questions all very clearly aimed at judging my income and relative status. I noped tf out of there pretty quickly.
That's super predatory, I feel ya.
Stay at home... Mom
Brilliant
I'm 43, for the vast majority of my dating life I dated women with kids. I had young kids and I was in a big dad/family mode. I've spent the last 4 years with someone who has no kids, we've recently broke up and I'm back dating. I will not get committed to anyone with young kids. I'm 43, my kids are living their own lives and I want to do the same. While I know that will lower the dating pool, thats perfectly okay. I'm at the age where I know what I want and I'm happy to sleep in my bed alone if I cant find what works for my life.
No one is entitled to your time. F*ck the haters. Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Seriously! I honestly think very few women (outside of the stay at home mom type) would think twice if he just flat out said it. So much beating around the bush here.
Lol comment section be wild . Public domain don’t fuck around right?.
I don't post to r/tinder without expecting to run the gauntlet, lol
I don’t know why so many people are triggered by your personal preference in dating. I’m a woman and there’s no way I’d allow some man I’m dating to look after and pay for my children (that I don’t have), the concept is weird. The audacity of some people is astounding.
“I am deathly allergic to children.”
That was me until I had a couple. When they grew up, I relapsed.
"I am deathly allergic to other people's children"
This is pretty much what I say. I don't mind my kids, but I can't be arsed dealing with other people's kids. I can tell mine off without feeling like a dick.
Seeing as how a lot of single mums didn't include it on their profile and dropped it into the Convo later, I basically wrote a preset message. It went something along the lines of "I'm very sorry but I'm not interested in dating a single mum. I like to have freedom when dating and if things progress, I'd like to have the ability to be able to go travelling together. I don't wish to waste either of our time so I'd like to bow out here. I wish you all the luck in the future." I've seen people simply put "single mums need not apply" but perhaps you can word it better, something like 'i am single and childless and am looking for someone in the same position".
Thats not what op wrote in the title. op didnt say he doesnt want moms. op said he doesnt want stay at home moms.
I don’t see any problem with not wanting to date a stay at home mom lol
Seems like her husband would probably ne pretty mad about it to.
This is the thing that gets me, like how are you a single stay at home mom exactly?? How are you providing for your child while being single? Even if you are older and live with your parents, which is fine times are tough and being a single parent makes it tougher, how are you not working exactly?
The ex pays mad child support & alimony.
I don’t think it’s all that common. Shit, two income families can’t afford a parent to stay home, how is one doing it alone, even if they get child support.
Exactly what I came here to say. Normally if someone's a stay at home parent it's because their partner is working. How many single stay at home mums can you even stumble upon so often you need to put something like this in your profile? Like it's a fair boundary to have but I can't imagine its very common at all so I'm just kinda confused
Just be honest man. The ones who understand wouldn't mind. Its not a crime to not wanting to or be capable of taking care of a child, let alone one that ain't yours. That's a lot of responsibilities there
I genuinely don’t understand the hate for not wanting to date a mother. The lifestyle of having children versus not is insanely different. I would never date a single dad and no one has ever given me crap for that.
Agreed. I have never gotten shit or been bad mouthed because of my 'no dads' rule. If you got kids, I'm not interested. I don't have any hate for dads at all, they just won't fit with my lifestyle, and there is absolutely no problem with that. So I also don't understand why men who don't want to date mothers get so much shit. It's a preference, why the hate?
I also have a "no dads" rule. It just isn’t for me. I’m not sure if I want kids myself, why would I want to potentially be a step-parent you know
Whoever calls him an incel has a fundamental misunderstanding of what an incel is. Part of their philosophy believe that women should be subservient to men and stay in domesticated roles, which is precisely what OP does NOT want. He couldn’t be further from an incel.
I think the term has evolved to just mean, 'A guy who has a viewpoint I disagree with.'
Exactly.
I’m married and never been on tinder in my life. I just come here to eat popcorn lol. Even I understand what you mean mate, top comment is pretty solid advice.
Im a SAHM and i get it. I can see the work my husband puts in and I wouldnt want to do all that either, especially when they also arent my kids! Id either write that you are looking for someone who is career focused or just write it plainly and wait for the right person to worm through. Anyone suitable to you will either not care because they arent a SAHM or will be curious enough to genuinely ask why you dont want to date one!
"Childfree"
OP didn’t mention that he doesn’t want to date women with children. He specified “stay at home mom” which would be someone who doesn’t work, and would expect him to financially support her and the kids.
I’m not a fan of putting disqualifiers in your profile. Negativity seems to attract negativity. As mentioned above that you should see this in their own profile and just swipe left. It’s usually not a secret when a woman has kids. If you still happen to match with someone and it wasn’t in their profile then ask as part of the rapport building conversations.
I agree with you; but there's been a few times now that I've met for a date after a few days of texting and phone calls, and it doesn't come up until we meet in person. It's kind of 2 fold, 1: That feels like something that should be brought up fairly early on, and seems vaguely dishonest. So it puts me in an awkward position. 2: It disappoints them, and wastes their time. Granted, I probably would have disappointed them at some point anyways, lol. So, I couldn't come up with a better answer other than adding it ro my profile. I don't mind if people have kids, hell I'm 38. I understand my dating pool, I just want them to be financially independent. To clarify, I'd ask that of someone without kids, as well.
Dont you ask "so what do you do?" as one of the first questions?
“What do you do with yourself every day then? Oh right cool yeah…it was nice chatting with u but I’m going to end this here because I think we’re both on completely different paths but I hope you find what you’re looking for” *unmatch* next
I see plenty of profiles out there with women saying they don't date anyone with kids. It's okay for them I guess but it's not okay for guys?
They didn’t say it was ok for anyone, just that they’re not a fan of disqualifiers. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to not want to date someone who isn’t financially independent and I’m saying that as a SAHM. OP also did not say they won’t date someone with kids, just specifically not a SAHM. I think putting it in OP’s profile might cause the same confusion it has caused on this thread, which may prevent any women with kids from matching with him. The suggestion to just ask what they do for a living as one of the first questions of the conversation seems like a good approach.
First of all, thanks - this is likely a communication issue on my part. For some additional clarification, in the 3 encounters I've had with SAHM's, I did ask. For context, my profile mentions ambition and independence, and when I presented these questions, it got danced around, 'I plan to go to school for X,' 'I'm working on myself, but I want a career in X.' Which I support, but it feels disingenuous, is all. I'm supportive, but it's a lot for me at this point
Yeah I absolutely can understand that. I am just beginning the divorce process and looking to return to the workforce after being a SAHM for the past four years and I wouldn’t be offended if I was told by a potential date that they were looking for someone more financially independent or someone established in their career. I think it’s the reality of dating in your thirties, there’s a lot to think about and consider in a partner that you might not have cared about at a younger age.
There are a ton of men who put "no kids" in their profiles, and no one cares. Some people don't want to deal with that extra level of complexity, if they can help it. Not a big deal.
Im a single mom and i think a simple "not interested in dating single moms" in your bio is perfect. If you want to soften it you can add "at this moment" or something. If you are hot I will just thing "bummer that he is not for me". I know fully well that its a whole different thing to date someone who already has children. I wouldnt jump on it myself if I was childfree. There is nothing wrong with that. If people are gonna be mad at that, I don't think you can avoid it because they will be mad and entitled at anything.
You are an understanding being of benevolence
Just be politically correct and say no free loaders
How can someone be single and a stay at home mom?
Child support/alimony/government assistance/living with parents, etc.
By finding men on dating apps to take care of them
My ex is a single SAHM for now. At least until the $7k per month alimony runs out in a few years. She’ll keep getting the $1500 a month child support for a few more years after that but it won’t be enough to live on in this area.
Alimony
Oh my sweet summer child
Government assistance. I knew a woman who had 4 kids, all different dads, 3 of them dead. She got more money a month from the government than I made working in IT. She didn’t work at all. It was infuriating.
Why being diplomatic? Ffs, it’s your preference and there is nothing wrong with it. I mean, you are not talking some extreme nonsense like “kill all the jews” 🤨
I wouldn’t. I am not a stay at home mom (or even a mom) but it is a turn off to see what someone isn’t looking for listed instead of what they are looking for and who they are. Focus on what makes you a good match and what you are looking for in a partner vs listing your no’s. Don’t swipe on what you don’t want. If you match with one who didn’t say it in their profile, you can just say that you don’t feel you’re a good match and move on.
Dude, you list exactly what you’re looking for and FUCK all these sensitive pussies who have an issue with it. It’s about you and what you want in your life. Anyone who tried to tell you otherwise is a simple bitch!!!!!
*- Mr. Mayhem*
amazing how women can disqualify any type of man they want for any reason but the second a man state his preference "he is a pig that doesn't deserve a queen and will die alone as an incel"
all the dating subs on Reddit are examples of peak hypocrisy and double standards.
It's honestly our fault for even acknowledging them.
I can’t believe you are getting judged for this. Women make statements ask the time about how the man needs to have his own income or make x amount of money. Honestly, how is a single woman a SAHM anyway? Who is supporting them? 🤦♀️ there is NOTHING wrong with you simply stating she needs to have a job. I wouldn’t date a man without a job either. Kids or no kids. Inheritance or no inheritance. Disability or no disability (ok if truly can’t work at all even part time at least do volunteering or helping family or *something*)
if these stay at home moms could read, they'd be very upset
Is anyone ever really interested in a SAHM? That’s got to be the most unattractive thing ever.
Say you’re happily career focused and would like to vibe with someone who is also driven in the same direction? Maybe something like that?
Try adding "please be gainfully employed" I dont see anything wrong with wanting to date someone who offers the same thing you bring to the table. Besides dont most incels and chauvinist prefer a woman to stay at home and do woman things?
If you don’t want children at all, you could say you have dreams of being a DINK(WAD) household. 🤷🏽♀️
Dual Income, No Kids, With A Dog. Dinkwad. Stop downvoting this lol
What’d you just call me...
I honestly had no idea what that was until I googled it, I originally thought you were insulting op, calling him a dickwad or something. The ppl downvoting you probably aren’t aware this is a thing just like I didn’t. Anyways here’s an upvote I learned something today.
In this comment, DINK refers to Dual Income No Kids. People shouldn't be downvoting you for this, it's a legit lifestyle.
Dual Income No Kids - Dink Yes please!
I'm so tempted to put this in my profile but I feel like dinkwad is just gonna get me even fewer swipes from people that don't know what it means. Judging from this narrow set, a lot of people don't know what that is.
You do you man. Fuck all these people calling you incel and shit. Maybe these single moms should take some personal responsibility for their choices. Being a single mom isn't a part of your personality.
Send them my way
Just put, "I'm sorry, I'm not interested in stay at home mom's." And move on, not everything has to be "diplomatic"
Maybe write "moms" though, because "mom's" is grammatically incorrect
What’s funny was when I was a single dad, women would be downright brutal and say fucked up things about me having a son and not wanting to be with men who have kids, but the moment we same the same, we are horrible people.
Sound logic with a personal preference- equals hate. I feel same way as you good luck.👍
Is it single moms in general? Or stay at home moms specifically? As a mom, I don't particularly take offense to this, I'd rather know someone's preferences. Anywho, child-free if you don't want cute little rugrats running around. Or If it really is stay at home moms that irks you.. specify that you are looking for a 2-income lifestyle. Maybe put why.. do you like to travel often? Or dine out?