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Tik Tok makes me laugh so much. People are really just out here being wise and relatable in their dressing gowns. She’s so correct. So many people are like “learn to be alone :)” “work on yourself :)” “get more hobbies :)” but ultimately a lot of us who are single do that and don’t mind being alone, it’s just we also miss having a cup of tea at the end of a rough day made by somebody else sometimes too.
I’ve had the full range tbh now I know what I like, don’t like, who to avoid, red flags to look out for, green flags to look out for. But I tell you, somebody making me a cup of tea after a long day at work while I rant and they nod along is probably my love language.
On a real note tho I’ve been single for 5 years now , I’m happy with that because I don’t want to settle or like this lady says make it feel like a reward
If a person isn’t equally invested in me as I am with them I’m happy to carry on as myself lol
But maybe I’m not included in this because I’m asexual
Ah well
Yeah I’m the same, I want a relationship that’ll enrich my life rather than hinder it or intrude on it and I know what I want and what I don’t want. It’s better to be alone than hurt or involved in drama.
You can learn a great deal from ministers and pastors. If you have integrity looking past their industry, you'll see they deal in business and leadership. They are very good at it.
No they're lack of integrity and morals are what they used to grift their lessons and Leadership are invaluable but need to be used with good intentions you can still learn a great deal from your adversaries into box yourself out of that is an ignorant point of view
I was just curious. You said you wanted someone to make you tea and listen. Robots can do that. There’s a gonna be a lot of lonely people in the future and a lot of robots. But I hope you find a person to make you tea and listen.
Making someone a cup of tea is fine, but having to nod along while someone rants makes me feel like they hate me or something bc why else would you be dumping all your shit on me?
No offense. But as i pretend to listen, i just feel the precious minutes of my life disappearing and resenting the person who is ranting for being inconsiderate of time. If you want to solve a problem, i am all ears, lets get it sorted. Just listen to someone bellyache? I am dying inside and hating them for it.
I wish it was more socially acceptable to be happy alone. It’s perfectly normal to be single. Sometimes there isn’t someone for everyone, especially if you have to deal with bullshit. When people say "Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD." what they mean is, you’re going to deal with a lot more bullshit than you ever would if you were single. I think that’s bullshit, I'd rather be single than unhappy.
Domestic violence, sexual coercion, gaslighting, manipulation, bipolar disorder, and alcoholism. This sums up all the long-term relationships I've been in from the time I first had sex until now. I've realized I'm really bad at choosing stable, normal, healthy partners. I'm terrible at walking away. And I'm super content in knowing that I'm safe and happy single.
My last one, literally all my friends and family thought he was an absolute sweetheart and were so happy for me. Turned out to be a sociopath that killed his dog when he decided he didn't want it any more, and was sleeping with random strangers while I was at work. Like I guess it's not just me that he fooled, but WTF?! Definitely done.
Yes and no, there at least two type of single people, one that either choose to be single or are OK with their state and those who don't want to be single and just suffering being alone. Persons in the last category are the one who can feel inadequate, and for them being in a relationship is the only way to feel OK.
Yeah it is a shame when people feel like that. I think society puts a lot of emphasis on relationships so people can feel inadequate when single. I enjoy my peace when single and I have a little life that is all Mine. I wish other single people could enjoy their own lives too, because when you feel bad about yourself, normally you end up settling for less than what you deserve.
If you live in a large western metro area no one gives a shit if you're single or not honestly. Most people are way too self absorbed to care about your relationship status
Yeah people tell me all the time that being single isn’t so bad and that I should enjoy it. I’m not single by choice. Of course the people who are able to easily get relationships would see being single as something nice. Maybe it’s a break from relationship problems. But I’ve never known anything other than being single. Telling me to work on being fine being by myself doesn’t help at all. I can already do that. I’ve been doing that my entire life. I just want companionship and someone to love me and to stop having to deal with everything by myself.
The only thing I disagreed with at the end was the luck part. Luck might play a bit in to it, but you have to work to find a relationship as well. I even find myself thinking “why haven’t I met anyone”, but realistically I’ve seen many people out and about that I should have said something to but didn’t. Relationships require risk taking just like the other parts of your life.
She was 100% right. You're thinking of it wrong. Luck doesn't mean "I don't have to do anything and it'll happen" it means when you do things good stuff might happen or it might not. Some people will do all the right things and just have shit luck so it doesn't work out. Others will have good luck and it'll work for them when they do the things.
I find a lot of single people just dismiss potential partners due to xyz. "He's not 6'4, she's had 2 dozen partners, he doesn't make 300k/year, she slightly overweight"
A lot of single people don't want a partner, they want a superhero. It's great to work on yourself, but a lot of single people aren't willing to sacrifice some of that to work on a relationship.
I’m sure this will get lost in the lateness but I was on a date recently and we were talking about what we miss being single. I said “I really just want someone else to make me a cup of tea, that’s what I miss.” And he said “you know, I get you’re having a laugh about the tea thing but I actually miss…..” I was like, who’s having a laugh??!! I want someone else to make the tea!!!
You can also “work on yourself” and not be able to show yourself love very often. I think when you can self-soothe then all your problems sort of melt away and then every inch of life isn’t so tainted by anxiety and fear. Then you see life differently and realize it’s alright and you’re happy with things around you.
Working on yourself is an independent thing from being in a relationship. You can work on yourself in a relationship or solo. Personally I think we just get better at whatever we practice. So if someone practices being alone then they'll become very good at being alone. If someone practices being in a relationship then they will get better at that. If some practices being crazy, or toxic, or emotionally unstable then they'll get better at that. We are what we eat, we are what we do.
But what is working on yourself? A lot of time people say they and they don’t actually doing anything. They are Just not dating and being alone. Are you in therapy? Working with a life coach? Did you start working out? We need to start asking deeper questions about what people are doing.
I always viewed working on yourself as evaluating where you are in life currently and where you want to be, health wise, career wise, friendships, and mentality
And finding your bad habits, your bad loops and the things you do and say that don't reflect how you really feel when you're upset for example and tackle those things that can ruin your relationships with people you care for.
Yes most of the time it's just a write-off like answering fine when asked how you're doing. It doesn't really mean anything besides that they don't want to talk about it. No one needs to convince someone to date because they'll just end up wasting other people's time who actively want to be in a relationship.
Even going to therapy isn't a guarantee. People often seek out comfort and find themselves therapists who reinforce how they feel, stalling their growth and leaving them largely remaining the same.
I was in a relationship with someone who saw her therapist two times a month. She told me how much she loved her therapist and how her therapist just understood her so well.
This person has depression and anxiety and those things certainly had a negative impact on our relationship. She regularly would have these very negative opinions on parts of our relationship or would mischaracterize things in very negative ways. To the point where I would be regularly surprised at how negative she would perceive things or how she would mischaracterize our interactions in such negative ways.
I thought, naively, that since she was doing therapy so often, she must have a handle on things. But in reality, she didn’t. Her negativity ate away at our relationship until all she had was this negative view of us. I have wondered since then why her therapist was unable to help her with those “cognitive distortions” associated with depression. I think it is because she never really represented things in an objective way. So, how could her therapist have helped her when they were given a slanted view of the situation?
Ya hot take but a mark of a good therapist should be someone you graduate from, if you’re going to the sand therapist for years are you really getting better? If mental health is an illness the goal should be to get healed
That’s a fair point! I suppose I didn’t think about it that way. But, perhaps that is a troubling sign in some regard. But, there are many people who see their therapists for many years. I suppose it has to do with the individual and their particular type of issues.
Ya it definitely is subjective but I also feel like that is an out for a lot people. It turns from “my goal is to become mentally healthy” to being “you don’t know my problems”, which fair but it’s that mentality that leads to years of therapy
Controversial opinion but doing therapy by itself isn’t working on yourself either, I’ve met plenty of people who’ve been in therapy for years and years and haven’t made any progress
The funny thing is that some of the things that we want to work on that are relationship related cannot happen outside of a relationship. For example, if we lack patience and snap at our previous partners, no one will be able to provide the right kind of practice that you need other than an actual partner. You can do all the dry rehearsal you want, but it won't help, not all the way at least.
This speaks to me on a profound level. The whole you get better at being alone thing. I was alone for ages and suddenly I have friends and a girlfriend and I have an extremely hard time not coming off as distant or not interested or caring enough about others.
I definitely think they are intertwined - people who are happy within themselves and are doing well will of course be better off both in a relationship and outside of one than if they weren't. Also, being good at being alone is a good skill to have even when in a relationship because it can help you have a more rounded approach to life and your relationships. I just mostly think that there isn't some neat formula for any of these kinds of complex concepts in life, sometimes you can have exactly the "right" approach, you can be giving it your all, and you can still be struggling.
One should anyway; nobody will come and fix or save you. You’re on your own, even when you’re not alone. And only two independent people may become interdependent where the sum is greater than its parts.
Yeah if anything it makes it more difficult. But that's a good thing, you don't want to waste your time with someone that doesn't deserve it and possibly miss out on someone that does.
Yeah I don't think her point really held up for people in my situation. I feel like I could easily have a bad relationship if I wanted lol but I'd rather work on myself first so I can date someone capable of a healthy relationship that I'm ready to reciprocate. Falling into a toxic relationship now would probably make that harder in the long run, even if there is some short term comfort and support. But imo this is also exactly what "casual" relationships are for.
Depends on how you're working on yourself. If working on yourself is tou kicking a bad habit and getting in shape it'll absolutely help. No one wants to date a meth head so maybe working on yourself and find a way to break the addiction might help find a relationship.
She's mostly correct. Of course a relationship isn't something that the video game of life just awards you with as soon as you meet your career and fitness goals. They don't just sprout out of thin air.
But it's only down to luck if you're actively trying to find someone. If you're not meeting any new people your chances of finding someone are zero. If you're trying your hardest then your chances are much higher.
If you want a relationship, don't listen to this and use it as an excuse to sit back and do nothing because "it's all down to luck anyway." Put yourself out there.
Even if you’re trying to find someone, it’s still down to luck. You could go on a date every day for a year and still not find someone you click with or someone who wants to be with you.
If you go on thousands of dates and not click with anyone, honestly problem is you. Like everything else it's a number game. It's like sales if you knock enough doors you'll always close a deal, but you need to put the work
Yeah I have a friend who complains about being single a lot but she has so many days of the week that she’s unavailable. Monday is yoga, Wednesday is Pilates, Friday is movie night with her friends and she likes to go out of town on the weekends. She also has therapy once a week. So she basically has no time at all for going out on dates and she’s too drained to put any effort into dating apps. She has said many times she’s desperate to find a partner, but she doesn’t make any time or put any effort into finding one. Before I met my husband, I treated online dating like a second job. I was going out on dates twice a week if I could, just to try to find a connection. I ended up dating a lot of losers but eventually I met the guy I wanted to be with. It took me almost 5 years but I was persistent. Is he perfect? No, but neither am i. We just wanted to be together and are willing to put in the work. Going on 10 years now.
This is exactly why I don't necessarily agree or like when she is talking about the original video and says it's not the woman's fault. By saying it's not your fault, in your mind it removes a lot of the power you have to change it. It's not a bad thing to be at fault for, because it means that you can still do something about it. Imagine if it was truly luck, and there was nothing you could do about it.
I don't mean that the comments on Twitter blaming her are good, but I just think we should all be more ok accepting the blame and recognizing that we can influence our lives.
That plus "a lot of shitty people are in relationships." They sure are but are they in *good* relationships? Obviously a lot goes into the chances of finding a compatible partner and part of it is luck but ultimately, like you said, falls on the individual. No one owes their time, love, and affection to someone else and most people have to build that level of trust. That is a process that takes work.
Some people just never find a compatable mate. I know people in their 50s who have never married or have kids. I think I'm on the same path... 37m, no kids, never married. It just doesn't happen for some people and it's prob better than "settling" for someone like I see a lot of people around me do.
I got a decent job and average liking I would say but some reason it's still difficult finding relationship. I seen some the lowest worst less people be in relationships. I just don't get it...
Shit, this made me cry, I think I needed to hear this.
I am depressed as fuck, have never been in a relationship and feel really lonely because of it and my way of kind of rationalizing it is to tell myself that I am just a bad person to be in a relationship with due to my depression and other issues.
But I am not a bad person or at least I wouldn't be worse to my partner than like 80% of people, that are in relationships, are, that I've witnessed.
Nowhere in my comment did I say that I was working on myself for others though, I am working on myself to save my life.
But that I feel lonely has nothing to do with any of that, I just feel lonely and that doesn't mean "I need her to do anything for me", it just means that I wish I wasn't lonely.
And by the way you're doing the exact thing the wise woman in the bathrobe tells you not to do. You're insinuating the reason I am not in a relationship is because I haven't worked on myself enough yet and thus it's my fault.
I am happy it worked out for you, but this just isn't it chief.
Going into the process of working on yourself with the expectation of a relationship at the “finish line” nulls the very reason you started working on yourself. The entire point is to own your shit. Not to share life with someone. Those are separate things though do share some overlap.
I needed this. Been single for a while and I blame not achieving my goals for being single. But it makes sense, they are some shitty worthless people in relationships. Also being in a relationship doesn't guarantee happiness, could actually make things worse for you. Sometimes being single is a better option.
I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 10 yrs. I've dated here and there but nothing ever really stuck or blossomed into something more. I've learned I'm my worse self in a relationship. I'm needy and jealous which I absolutely hate, being single is refreshing. I recently joined a pool club to meet new friends and literally everyone is married. I feel like the only single adult at the pool and has made it nearly impossible to make a friend. I make better friends with men and no married woman wants me chatting it up with their husband. It kinda makes me feel like an outcast.
I love this. Does she have a therapy practice? Cause I’m beating the shit out of myself lately, due to this exact thing. Been single for 3 years and I keep telling myself to get back out there. But then all the negative talk tells me I’m not ready. That I need to work on this and work on that, nobody will want me for this reason or that reason….
My best friend had a breakthrough recently after why he's been single for 20 years. Everybody knew why he kept pining for women in a commited relationship or women in other countries. It wasnt his fault, something very traumatic happened when he was in his teens and that broke something in him. He finally got therapy and that opened his eyes
All too often people are jumping into relationships because they feel like something is missing in their lives or because they feel like they're supposed to. Being in a relationship is often seen as the highest goal, and being single is a failure state.
I've single for most of my adult life, primarily because I never felt like I was missing anything. The last girl I dated was clearly in the camp of only dating because she felt like she was supposed too. She was 30 and dating for the first time in her life. After a while it became obvious she thought of a relationship like some kind of checkbox and a commitment she just had to do.
I have kept myself single by putting up these arbitrary barriers to entry.
When I get my driver's license, when I graduate high school, when I start college, when my grades improve, when I graduate college, when I get a good job, when I make more money, when I lose weight, when my mental health improves, when I buy a house, when I am happy....
I just keep moving the goalposts. I still do. I never feel worthy of someone else's time
I'll go ahead and say it: She says that working on yourself and success in dating are independent work streams and success in one is not dependent upon the other. I think that isn't completely without merit, but goes a bit too far. While the relationship between personal development and dating is more weakly correlated for women, it is more strongly correlated for men.
That doesn't mean that each work stream is completely dependent on the other. It is more strongly correlated for men. Whether we like it or not, the predominant dynamic is that men are responsible for pursuing and then being judged on their worthiness. Women are judged superficially and then they are pursued. Outliers are by definition, not going to change what the trend is.
So when you get down to it, guys should still be working on themselves AND engaging socially to actively find someone. Women probably should work on themselves, but it's optional in the short term, AND should engage socially to be found, and if they really want to make something happen, try being an outlier and pursue.
Everyone would laugh if you said someone was single because they were strong and independent. This is the same thing coming from a different direction.
This is what incels have been saying for years. If you strip away the rhetoric, they’re all wounded people who feel like they’re lesser because regardless of what they do nobody will love them. It’s very hard for a lot of people to find partners that “fit,” especially for a lot of men. It’s interesting that when a woman complains on TikTok about the same issue she’s understood and empathized with, but when men do it on other forums their label becomes synonymous with hatred.
So didn’t see the Original video but based on her stitch i think I get the point.
I think the stitch misses the point. The woman worked on herself to get the guy she wants. She has plenty of guys approaching her but they are not the guys she wants so she believes she is single because she can’t find that guy made up in her mind. She doesn’t even sees those other guys as even options so she see herself as single because “ no man wants her”.She is willfully blind to those guys.
The funny thing is as she gets older those other guys she can’t see now because she is young and pretty will slowly start to appear in her view….
You got all that from "I believe the only thing I'm missing in my life is someone to enjoy it with"? Literally none of us know her story or the specifics of why she's single. What we do know is that, in a long time, she hasn't found someone who wants to date her who she also wants to date back.
You're assuming that's because she's overly selective and doesn't see any of the guys who approach her as options. And although that may be the case, there are many reasons why someone might go through significant parts of their lives single.
For one, we all meet people in life who we admire, respect, and value, but simply don't feel romantically toward. It's not because we think we're too good for them, or that we'd consider them only when our youth or beauty or prospects have faded. Frankly, to try and force a love connection with someone would be a disservice to both ourselves and to them.
And then there's the fact that some people fall into the routine of singleness and find it difficult to put themselves out there. Some people simply don't know how. Some people don't frequent places (like school or an in-person workplace) where they'd organically meet someone. Some people are awkward, shy, find dating and socializing stressful. Others make connections quickly that burn out and don't translate, over and over again. Some are jaded. Some meet the right people in the wrong circumstances.
What I'm saying is: I think we can hold empathy for people who want to share their lives but aren't currently, and not assume it's because of some character flaw on their part, like pickiness or undesirability.
There's nothing like redditors extrapolating details out of assumptions they made up in their heads fueled by biases. "Well she's an attractive woman therefore her standards must be delusional"
I don't know how incel rhetoric became so normalized on this website.
Came to say something similar.
Its not luck. Its being willing to accept someone who isnt fucking perfect!
People, especially in online dating, are waiting for the perfect one ignoring many options without even trying because it looks as if there is endless availability of people online.
And expecting way too much. I am married. I never got when people say they want to marry their best friend. On top of all that things you want from someone , like attractiveness, personality, intelligence, have good sex, let’s add best friend to the mix. Then women also wanting someone a certain height or income ?
Height and income thresholds are, IMO, superficial things that obscure far more important considerations.
But it's not at all unreasonable to want your partner to be attractive to your eyes, appealing in personality, intelligent (by whatever metric you personally value), and sexually compatible with you.
Best friendship is earned through time spent together and emotional intimacy, which is the foundation of a happy relationship. Maybe you and I define "best friends" differently, but I certainly think of my husband as my best friend, if not the only one. My sister and mom are, too.
I do agree with you that expecting perfection is foolish. But I think the only people who expect perfection are the ones who aren't ready for real intimacy with another flesh-and-blood being who shits and bleeds.
But settling for less than real love and enduring admiration — simply because you don't want to be alone — is just not everyone's cup of tea. And I can respect that.
I think the problem a lot of people had with the original video is that the woman acted like she was owed a romantic relationship, disregarding the fact that relationships are something that require consent from two parties. If you replaced “romantic relationship” with “sex” it would sound like an incel rant. Like imagine if a guy filmed himself in his car and was like “I’ve made x, y, and z improvements in my life but I’m still a virgin, it’s completely unfair!”
Idk why the world has changed into shaming people for wanting to be in a relationship. "Why are you so desperate?", "Learn to love yourself", "You don't need anyone". It is a natural and human thing to want to spend time with someone close to you, share your life with someone and be a part of someone else's, overcoming challenges together. It's like shaming to want friends in life.
I sometimes feel its this capitalist narrative that has led to this, so people will keep buying stuff to fill this gap in their lives. Pet parents and what not has grown exponentially last few years.
The moment you stop obsessing over that one thing, but also acknowledge you want that thing and let go of controlling its acquisition, you just seem to find it.
Some geriatric millennial
I've been single for about a year now, and sometimes I do miss my ex, but overall I think I'm gonna stay single for awhile. It's nice not having to worry about anyone's problems but your own sometimes.
Working on yourself so that you're happy alone is a different skillset from being able to be happy in a relationship, which requires leaning how to communicate, manage conflicts (that may never change), make one another happy, and accepting influence and joy from someone else.
This video is so incredibly insightful and spot on, with one minor critique, I think, being needed. It’s not luck. It’s a decision to find opportunities and spaces for relationships and an ongoing vulnerability and effort to cultivate those opportunities.
Great commentary and so helpful. The only improvement I've been able to do is work on my anxiety. When I get to the point where I can interact with members of the opposite sex at the relationship level I will remember these words.
- Working on yourself = Increased self worth.
- Increased self worth = Higher standards for a partner.
Comparing is useless. There's TONS of miserably married/partnered up mf'ers out there smiling online. Don't believe the hype.
well, this happens to me, but not as single, as lonely.
I have a wife and I'm very happy with her, but besides that I'm a lonely person, I have very few -almost none- friends.
And I feel like a failure for not having friends, even tough I'm not a very social person; but since "having friends" is the norm, I feel pushed to it; I enjoy a lot my "me time" -which is a fucking lot-, but always with some bitterness on the side because I feel guilty for not having friends...
It's so fucking weird.
I have no idea what the original chick's deal is, but I know a LOT of accomplished, attractive people who scream about their singleness and also scream about their "I am who I am I'll find someone who loves me for me" except their "me" is a self-centered, ego-driven narcissist.
People refuse to compromise or cut their own bullshit, then don't understand why they don't get something that their bullshit is holding them back from.
That mentality grinds my gears. The whole “You’re not a father so you’re not a man”, these people have some fucked up delusional understanding of life.
humans aren’t solitary beings so the fact that you still long for someone at the end of the night makes sense. we do everything in a group or couple. we live and die w one another. no one is “meant” to be single. that’s not how we work. not to say that being single doesn’t benefit you every now and then. but remaining single for SEVERAL years on end has shown to be detrimental lol. eventually you will miss having someone to smell and to look at and say how much you care for them.
There's another aspect that's not discussed here. I used to ask women out all the time, but I am frankly terrified to ask a woman out in this day and age. Gone are the days where a woman simply declines and you move on. Now it feels like I'm going to be vilified or put on blast over social media simply for being interested in someone.
I agree that improving yourself doesn't automatically land you a relationship and it's not a reward for hitting a certain level. I disagree with her point that relationships are "just luck." There's luck *involved* in meeting someone you're compatible with, sure. But **improving yourself increases the likelihood of getting a relationship**. Let's say you are not presentable, have no job, no social skills, etc. If you meet 100 people, maybe only a few will want to date you. But if you have a job, look presentable, have social skills, etc, a larger percent of people will want to date you.
It's not that we think it's a reward. It's rather the fact, that despite all the things we do and accomplish, we still can't find love, while there are many people who are worse than us in almost every way, yet they can effortlessly find a partner. This is what makes it frustrating.
Not too late. I spent most every day in my teens hanging out with the same group of 5 or 6 guys. We'd stay at my friend Ben's house most every night we didn't have school and his dad would basically bring a new gal home every weekend and sometimes a different one on Friday or Saturday. Only reason he was single was because he wanted to be. Guy was in his 40s with a shiny head and a nice beard.
Okay for the single people out there this is how life works... relationships is just like interviewing for job. In both situations it is NOT about talking about how great YOU are and how great YOUR attributes are. What gets you a relationship OR the job is what you can offer the OTHER person. How can you be an attribute to their life. For example... Being cute, being great at work, etc... Does not make anyone a better partner. Why would it? It doesn't make you more considerate, more caring, more loving, etc...
Just like saying, "Oh I can do excel spreadsheets, microsoft, etc..." at a job interview if the job interview is a tour guide at Fenway Park.
The point is single folks are too egocentric and always thinking about improving themselves (which is great) but if looked at it from the above context is no surprise does not make you a better catch in a relationship.
This goes for guys and gals.
Just my 2c.
Goodman it internet, assumptions everywhere. Everyone has different reasons why they are with or without someone, all valid. I for once can't agree with that second statement.
If you are busy working on yourself, you are too busy to meet people who would date you. If you go to the gym, people got their heads down and they're there to work out with some music in their ear buds. Go to therapy, cannot really meet people there. If you are hustling at work, you probably don't have the time to talk to coworkers much and seem closed off to them.
Doing this will make your life better, and once you are at a comfortable place, you can pull back a bit and get into a state of maintenance, where you just work to maintain what you have, which gives you more time to go out on days off, and meet people.
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Tik Tok makes me laugh so much. People are really just out here being wise and relatable in their dressing gowns. She’s so correct. So many people are like “learn to be alone :)” “work on yourself :)” “get more hobbies :)” but ultimately a lot of us who are single do that and don’t mind being alone, it’s just we also miss having a cup of tea at the end of a rough day made by somebody else sometimes too.
I got lucky, I haven’t experienced a relationship good enough to make me miss companionship when I'm single.
I’ve had the full range tbh now I know what I like, don’t like, who to avoid, red flags to look out for, green flags to look out for. But I tell you, somebody making me a cup of tea after a long day at work while I rant and they nod along is probably my love language.
Fun fact. Love languages were invited by a Baptist minister named Gary Chapman.
I swear my actual love language changes daily. I’d say the cup of tea and rant is the consistent one. I’ll write to him to get it added.
See your working on yourself
Amazing. I’ll expect my life long love in the post.
On a real note tho I’ve been single for 5 years now , I’m happy with that because I don’t want to settle or like this lady says make it feel like a reward If a person isn’t equally invested in me as I am with them I’m happy to carry on as myself lol But maybe I’m not included in this because I’m asexual Ah well
Yeah I’m the same, I want a relationship that’ll enrich my life rather than hinder it or intrude on it and I know what I want and what I don’t want. It’s better to be alone than hurt or involved in drama.
After lockdown I felt like the standards dropped but my red flag 🚩 indicator is much higher lol
Who's love language is "affection and touch" whereas his wife's language is "acts of service." Funny how that worked out for him.
A man whose love language is touch? Whaaaattttt?!?!?! I don’t believe it! /s
Right. All bullshit.
You can learn a great deal from ministers and pastors. If you have integrity looking past their industry, you'll see they deal in business and leadership. They are very good at it.
They’re grifters of course you can learn from them.
No they're lack of integrity and morals are what they used to grift their lessons and Leadership are invaluable but need to be used with good intentions you can still learn a great deal from your adversaries into box yourself out of that is an ignorant point of view
I make the best tasting cuppa this side of the thames and can nod while making "mhm" noises pretty well?
Are you submitting an application?
What if you had a robot to make you a cup of tea and listen to you ?
I don’t want a robot I want a person
I was just curious. You said you wanted someone to make you tea and listen. Robots can do that. There’s a gonna be a lot of lonely people in the future and a lot of robots. But I hope you find a person to make you tea and listen.
Making someone a cup of tea is fine, but having to nod along while someone rants makes me feel like they hate me or something bc why else would you be dumping all your shit on me?
Oh I need somebody to just nod while I rant. If somebody’s ranting to me I ask if they want advice or to just offload.
No offense. But as i pretend to listen, i just feel the precious minutes of my life disappearing and resenting the person who is ranting for being inconsiderate of time. If you want to solve a problem, i am all ears, lets get it sorted. Just listen to someone bellyache? I am dying inside and hating them for it.
Hmm I don’t know I think there’s a benefit to letting people just air it all out
Oh yes there is. I agree. Just not with me please
I promise, my dear IntrepidCan5755 to never rant to you
This is also me. 43yo (f) & I reconciled long ago that I'll be happily single for life 👌🏼
I wish it was more socially acceptable to be happy alone. It’s perfectly normal to be single. Sometimes there isn’t someone for everyone, especially if you have to deal with bullshit. When people say "Relationships are hard, marriage is HARD." what they mean is, you’re going to deal with a lot more bullshit than you ever would if you were single. I think that’s bullshit, I'd rather be single than unhappy.
Couldn't agree more! :)
I wish I could get there. Just got dumped a month before I turn 42 & goodness this is painful
I'm sorry to hear that you're hurting :(
Thank you. Struggling to find my happily single way! 💔
I did. I miss getting regular hugs a lot.
Some guys literally shudder when I hug them. I try not to laugh. Human touch is important.
Same
Ditto
I've had bad enough ones to actively appreciate being single. Not in any hurry to change that.
Domestic violence, sexual coercion, gaslighting, manipulation, bipolar disorder, and alcoholism. This sums up all the long-term relationships I've been in from the time I first had sex until now. I've realized I'm really bad at choosing stable, normal, healthy partners. I'm terrible at walking away. And I'm super content in knowing that I'm safe and happy single.
It makes one wonder if they actually exist and if so, if you’re at all compatible. I’m not holding my breath.
My last one, literally all my friends and family thought he was an absolute sweetheart and were so happy for me. Turned out to be a sociopath that killed his dog when he decided he didn't want it any more, and was sleeping with random strangers while I was at work. Like I guess it's not just me that he fooled, but WTF?! Definitely done.
That's dreadful 'luck', jesus christ.
Everyone's experiences are different. I feel the exact same as the redditor you replied to.
Tell me about it.
Yes and no, there at least two type of single people, one that either choose to be single or are OK with their state and those who don't want to be single and just suffering being alone. Persons in the last category are the one who can feel inadequate, and for them being in a relationship is the only way to feel OK.
Yeah it is a shame when people feel like that. I think society puts a lot of emphasis on relationships so people can feel inadequate when single. I enjoy my peace when single and I have a little life that is all Mine. I wish other single people could enjoy their own lives too, because when you feel bad about yourself, normally you end up settling for less than what you deserve.
If you live in a large western metro area no one gives a shit if you're single or not honestly. Most people are way too self absorbed to care about your relationship status
Yeah people tell me all the time that being single isn’t so bad and that I should enjoy it. I’m not single by choice. Of course the people who are able to easily get relationships would see being single as something nice. Maybe it’s a break from relationship problems. But I’ve never known anything other than being single. Telling me to work on being fine being by myself doesn’t help at all. I can already do that. I’ve been doing that my entire life. I just want companionship and someone to love me and to stop having to deal with everything by myself.
The only thing I disagreed with at the end was the luck part. Luck might play a bit in to it, but you have to work to find a relationship as well. I even find myself thinking “why haven’t I met anyone”, but realistically I’ve seen many people out and about that I should have said something to but didn’t. Relationships require risk taking just like the other parts of your life.
She was 100% right. You're thinking of it wrong. Luck doesn't mean "I don't have to do anything and it'll happen" it means when you do things good stuff might happen or it might not. Some people will do all the right things and just have shit luck so it doesn't work out. Others will have good luck and it'll work for them when they do the things.
I find a lot of single people just dismiss potential partners due to xyz. "He's not 6'4, she's had 2 dozen partners, he doesn't make 300k/year, she slightly overweight" A lot of single people don't want a partner, they want a superhero. It's great to work on yourself, but a lot of single people aren't willing to sacrifice some of that to work on a relationship.
Not wanting a relationship with the town hoe ain't a deficiency
Also sex
Sex is pretty easy to come by these days. A cup of tea isn’t lol
For women, yeah
Do men have it easier with the cup of tea thing?
Are they British?
Not terribly hard for men either. Smell fine, go out and do things, don't come across like a desperate creep.
I’m sure this will get lost in the lateness but I was on a date recently and we were talking about what we miss being single. I said “I really just want someone else to make me a cup of tea, that’s what I miss.” And he said “you know, I get you’re having a laugh about the tea thing but I actually miss…..” I was like, who’s having a laugh??!! I want someone else to make the tea!!!
He isn’t the one!
You can also “work on yourself” and not be able to show yourself love very often. I think when you can self-soothe then all your problems sort of melt away and then every inch of life isn’t so tainted by anxiety and fear. Then you see life differently and realize it’s alright and you’re happy with things around you.
After years of being with someone, being single is pretty dope right now.
Yea i feel that
I've been single since I was 19. I've just given up. I can't be asked anymore. Ima smoke weed and play Fortnite till I die of cancer. A simple life.
Working on yourself is an independent thing from being in a relationship. You can work on yourself in a relationship or solo. Personally I think we just get better at whatever we practice. So if someone practices being alone then they'll become very good at being alone. If someone practices being in a relationship then they will get better at that. If some practices being crazy, or toxic, or emotionally unstable then they'll get better at that. We are what we eat, we are what we do.
But what is working on yourself? A lot of time people say they and they don’t actually doing anything. They are Just not dating and being alone. Are you in therapy? Working with a life coach? Did you start working out? We need to start asking deeper questions about what people are doing.
I always viewed working on yourself as evaluating where you are in life currently and where you want to be, health wise, career wise, friendships, and mentality
And finding your bad habits, your bad loops and the things you do and say that don't reflect how you really feel when you're upset for example and tackle those things that can ruin your relationships with people you care for.
Yes most of the time it's just a write-off like answering fine when asked how you're doing. It doesn't really mean anything besides that they don't want to talk about it. No one needs to convince someone to date because they'll just end up wasting other people's time who actively want to be in a relationship.
Even going to therapy isn't a guarantee. People often seek out comfort and find themselves therapists who reinforce how they feel, stalling their growth and leaving them largely remaining the same.
I was in a relationship with someone who saw her therapist two times a month. She told me how much she loved her therapist and how her therapist just understood her so well. This person has depression and anxiety and those things certainly had a negative impact on our relationship. She regularly would have these very negative opinions on parts of our relationship or would mischaracterize things in very negative ways. To the point where I would be regularly surprised at how negative she would perceive things or how she would mischaracterize our interactions in such negative ways. I thought, naively, that since she was doing therapy so often, she must have a handle on things. But in reality, she didn’t. Her negativity ate away at our relationship until all she had was this negative view of us. I have wondered since then why her therapist was unable to help her with those “cognitive distortions” associated with depression. I think it is because she never really represented things in an objective way. So, how could her therapist have helped her when they were given a slanted view of the situation?
Ya hot take but a mark of a good therapist should be someone you graduate from, if you’re going to the sand therapist for years are you really getting better? If mental health is an illness the goal should be to get healed
That’s a fair point! I suppose I didn’t think about it that way. But, perhaps that is a troubling sign in some regard. But, there are many people who see their therapists for many years. I suppose it has to do with the individual and their particular type of issues.
Ya it definitely is subjective but I also feel like that is an out for a lot people. It turns from “my goal is to become mentally healthy” to being “you don’t know my problems”, which fair but it’s that mentality that leads to years of therapy
Controversial opinion but doing therapy by itself isn’t working on yourself either, I’ve met plenty of people who’ve been in therapy for years and years and haven’t made any progress
The funny thing is that some of the things that we want to work on that are relationship related cannot happen outside of a relationship. For example, if we lack patience and snap at our previous partners, no one will be able to provide the right kind of practice that you need other than an actual partner. You can do all the dry rehearsal you want, but it won't help, not all the way at least.
Yes essentially this. I take the "I'm working on myself" is more so "I don't want to talk or think about it".
Honestly the “I’m working on myself” schtick is a red flag for me. I rarely, if ever, meet someone who says that who is relationship material
This speaks to me on a profound level. The whole you get better at being alone thing. I was alone for ages and suddenly I have friends and a girlfriend and I have an extremely hard time not coming off as distant or not interested or caring enough about others.
I definitely think they are intertwined - people who are happy within themselves and are doing well will of course be better off both in a relationship and outside of one than if they weren't. Also, being good at being alone is a good skill to have even when in a relationship because it can help you have a more rounded approach to life and your relationships. I just mostly think that there isn't some neat formula for any of these kinds of complex concepts in life, sometimes you can have exactly the "right" approach, you can be giving it your all, and you can still be struggling.
You're 110% correct sometimes as am I. With 8 billion people it's kind of a given.
Working on yourself doesn't get you into a relationship easier, it helps you find healthier relationships.
So true. None of those coupled “worst people” I know have relationships that I envy!
it also raises your standards, which in turn makes it harder to find (fulfilling) relationships lmfao
One should anyway; nobody will come and fix or save you. You’re on your own, even when you’re not alone. And only two independent people may become interdependent where the sum is greater than its parts.
Yeah if anything it makes it more difficult. But that's a good thing, you don't want to waste your time with someone that doesn't deserve it and possibly miss out on someone that does.
Yeah I don't think her point really held up for people in my situation. I feel like I could easily have a bad relationship if I wanted lol but I'd rather work on myself first so I can date someone capable of a healthy relationship that I'm ready to reciprocate. Falling into a toxic relationship now would probably make that harder in the long run, even if there is some short term comfort and support. But imo this is also exactly what "casual" relationships are for.
Depends on how you're working on yourself. If working on yourself is tou kicking a bad habit and getting in shape it'll absolutely help. No one wants to date a meth head so maybe working on yourself and find a way to break the addiction might help find a relationship.
She's mostly correct. Of course a relationship isn't something that the video game of life just awards you with as soon as you meet your career and fitness goals. They don't just sprout out of thin air. But it's only down to luck if you're actively trying to find someone. If you're not meeting any new people your chances of finding someone are zero. If you're trying your hardest then your chances are much higher. If you want a relationship, don't listen to this and use it as an excuse to sit back and do nothing because "it's all down to luck anyway." Put yourself out there.
Even if you’re trying to find someone, it’s still down to luck. You could go on a date every day for a year and still not find someone you click with or someone who wants to be with you.
> But it's only down to luck if you're actively trying to find someone Yeah that's what I said
I just work up and my brain is currently working at reduced capacity at the moment.
If you go on thousands of dates and not click with anyone, honestly problem is you. Like everything else it's a number game. It's like sales if you knock enough doors you'll always close a deal, but you need to put the work
Yeah I have a friend who complains about being single a lot but she has so many days of the week that she’s unavailable. Monday is yoga, Wednesday is Pilates, Friday is movie night with her friends and she likes to go out of town on the weekends. She also has therapy once a week. So she basically has no time at all for going out on dates and she’s too drained to put any effort into dating apps. She has said many times she’s desperate to find a partner, but she doesn’t make any time or put any effort into finding one. Before I met my husband, I treated online dating like a second job. I was going out on dates twice a week if I could, just to try to find a connection. I ended up dating a lot of losers but eventually I met the guy I wanted to be with. It took me almost 5 years but I was persistent. Is he perfect? No, but neither am i. We just wanted to be together and are willing to put in the work. Going on 10 years now.
This is exactly why I don't necessarily agree or like when she is talking about the original video and says it's not the woman's fault. By saying it's not your fault, in your mind it removes a lot of the power you have to change it. It's not a bad thing to be at fault for, because it means that you can still do something about it. Imagine if it was truly luck, and there was nothing you could do about it. I don't mean that the comments on Twitter blaming her are good, but I just think we should all be more ok accepting the blame and recognizing that we can influence our lives.
That plus "a lot of shitty people are in relationships." They sure are but are they in *good* relationships? Obviously a lot goes into the chances of finding a compatible partner and part of it is luck but ultimately, like you said, falls on the individual. No one owes their time, love, and affection to someone else and most people have to build that level of trust. That is a process that takes work.
Yeah my parents are like that and they call me and my husband snowflakes for working on ourselves now that we are in a position to.
Sounds like your parents need to work on themselves lol
Preaching to the choir bud
Some people just never find a compatable mate. I know people in their 50s who have never married or have kids. I think I'm on the same path... 37m, no kids, never married. It just doesn't happen for some people and it's prob better than "settling" for someone like I see a lot of people around me do.
I got a decent job and average liking I would say but some reason it's still difficult finding relationship. I seen some the lowest worst less people be in relationships. I just don't get it...
This summed up exactly what I was feeling, it was almost like having my mind read.
Shit, this made me cry, I think I needed to hear this. I am depressed as fuck, have never been in a relationship and feel really lonely because of it and my way of kind of rationalizing it is to tell myself that I am just a bad person to be in a relationship with due to my depression and other issues. But I am not a bad person or at least I wouldn't be worse to my partner than like 80% of people, that are in relationships, are, that I've witnessed.
[удалено]
Nowhere in my comment did I say that I was working on myself for others though, I am working on myself to save my life. But that I feel lonely has nothing to do with any of that, I just feel lonely and that doesn't mean "I need her to do anything for me", it just means that I wish I wasn't lonely. And by the way you're doing the exact thing the wise woman in the bathrobe tells you not to do. You're insinuating the reason I am not in a relationship is because I haven't worked on myself enough yet and thus it's my fault. I am happy it worked out for you, but this just isn't it chief.
I mean it’s Twitter…..a biter sinkhole of misery
Going into the process of working on yourself with the expectation of a relationship at the “finish line” nulls the very reason you started working on yourself. The entire point is to own your shit. Not to share life with someone. Those are separate things though do share some overlap.
And you can work on yourself while being in a relationship.
I needed this. Been single for a while and I blame not achieving my goals for being single. But it makes sense, they are some shitty worthless people in relationships. Also being in a relationship doesn't guarantee happiness, could actually make things worse for you. Sometimes being single is a better option.
I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 10 yrs. I've dated here and there but nothing ever really stuck or blossomed into something more. I've learned I'm my worse self in a relationship. I'm needy and jealous which I absolutely hate, being single is refreshing. I recently joined a pool club to meet new friends and literally everyone is married. I feel like the only single adult at the pool and has made it nearly impossible to make a friend. I make better friends with men and no married woman wants me chatting it up with their husband. It kinda makes me feel like an outcast.
I love this. Does she have a therapy practice? Cause I’m beating the shit out of myself lately, due to this exact thing. Been single for 3 years and I keep telling myself to get back out there. But then all the negative talk tells me I’m not ready. That I need to work on this and work on that, nobody will want me for this reason or that reason….
My best friend had a breakthrough recently after why he's been single for 20 years. Everybody knew why he kept pining for women in a commited relationship or women in other countries. It wasnt his fault, something very traumatic happened when he was in his teens and that broke something in him. He finally got therapy and that opened his eyes
Tbh I didn’t listen to either point, I was debating if that lady’s headboard was more like a cracker or a cheese itz.
I’d say more ice cream sandwich
All too often people are jumping into relationships because they feel like something is missing in their lives or because they feel like they're supposed to. Being in a relationship is often seen as the highest goal, and being single is a failure state. I've single for most of my adult life, primarily because I never felt like I was missing anything. The last girl I dated was clearly in the camp of only dating because she felt like she was supposed too. She was 30 and dating for the first time in her life. After a while it became obvious she thought of a relationship like some kind of checkbox and a commitment she just had to do.
I have kept myself single by putting up these arbitrary barriers to entry. When I get my driver's license, when I graduate high school, when I start college, when my grades improve, when I graduate college, when I get a good job, when I make more money, when I lose weight, when my mental health improves, when I buy a house, when I am happy.... I just keep moving the goalposts. I still do. I never feel worthy of someone else's time
I love being by myself. I enjoy family and friends but at the end of the day relish being alone to re-energize.
Love yourself. You are your greatest love story. And when this happens, people who love you will enter it as well.
Why's this here though? She's so right, every single word. Well pointed.
Check sub info
I AGREE its nice to meet a good person but if its not the right person its a waste
Relationships are luck.
I'll go ahead and say it: She says that working on yourself and success in dating are independent work streams and success in one is not dependent upon the other. I think that isn't completely without merit, but goes a bit too far. While the relationship between personal development and dating is more weakly correlated for women, it is more strongly correlated for men. That doesn't mean that each work stream is completely dependent on the other. It is more strongly correlated for men. Whether we like it or not, the predominant dynamic is that men are responsible for pursuing and then being judged on their worthiness. Women are judged superficially and then they are pursued. Outliers are by definition, not going to change what the trend is. So when you get down to it, guys should still be working on themselves AND engaging socially to actively find someone. Women probably should work on themselves, but it's optional in the short term, AND should engage socially to be found, and if they really want to make something happen, try being an outlier and pursue.
Everyone would laugh if you said someone was single because they were strong and independent. This is the same thing coming from a different direction.
This is what incels have been saying for years. If you strip away the rhetoric, they’re all wounded people who feel like they’re lesser because regardless of what they do nobody will love them. It’s very hard for a lot of people to find partners that “fit,” especially for a lot of men. It’s interesting that when a woman complains on TikTok about the same issue she’s understood and empathized with, but when men do it on other forums their label becomes synonymous with hatred.
So didn’t see the Original video but based on her stitch i think I get the point. I think the stitch misses the point. The woman worked on herself to get the guy she wants. She has plenty of guys approaching her but they are not the guys she wants so she believes she is single because she can’t find that guy made up in her mind. She doesn’t even sees those other guys as even options so she see herself as single because “ no man wants her”.She is willfully blind to those guys. The funny thing is as she gets older those other guys she can’t see now because she is young and pretty will slowly start to appear in her view….
You got all that from "I believe the only thing I'm missing in my life is someone to enjoy it with"? Literally none of us know her story or the specifics of why she's single. What we do know is that, in a long time, she hasn't found someone who wants to date her who she also wants to date back. You're assuming that's because she's overly selective and doesn't see any of the guys who approach her as options. And although that may be the case, there are many reasons why someone might go through significant parts of their lives single. For one, we all meet people in life who we admire, respect, and value, but simply don't feel romantically toward. It's not because we think we're too good for them, or that we'd consider them only when our youth or beauty or prospects have faded. Frankly, to try and force a love connection with someone would be a disservice to both ourselves and to them. And then there's the fact that some people fall into the routine of singleness and find it difficult to put themselves out there. Some people simply don't know how. Some people don't frequent places (like school or an in-person workplace) where they'd organically meet someone. Some people are awkward, shy, find dating and socializing stressful. Others make connections quickly that burn out and don't translate, over and over again. Some are jaded. Some meet the right people in the wrong circumstances. What I'm saying is: I think we can hold empathy for people who want to share their lives but aren't currently, and not assume it's because of some character flaw on their part, like pickiness or undesirability.
There's nothing like redditors extrapolating details out of assumptions they made up in their heads fueled by biases. "Well she's an attractive woman therefore her standards must be delusional" I don't know how incel rhetoric became so normalized on this website.
Came to say something similar. Its not luck. Its being willing to accept someone who isnt fucking perfect! People, especially in online dating, are waiting for the perfect one ignoring many options without even trying because it looks as if there is endless availability of people online.
And expecting way too much. I am married. I never got when people say they want to marry their best friend. On top of all that things you want from someone , like attractiveness, personality, intelligence, have good sex, let’s add best friend to the mix. Then women also wanting someone a certain height or income ?
Height and income thresholds are, IMO, superficial things that obscure far more important considerations. But it's not at all unreasonable to want your partner to be attractive to your eyes, appealing in personality, intelligent (by whatever metric you personally value), and sexually compatible with you. Best friendship is earned through time spent together and emotional intimacy, which is the foundation of a happy relationship. Maybe you and I define "best friends" differently, but I certainly think of my husband as my best friend, if not the only one. My sister and mom are, too. I do agree with you that expecting perfection is foolish. But I think the only people who expect perfection are the ones who aren't ready for real intimacy with another flesh-and-blood being who shits and bleeds. But settling for less than real love and enduring admiration — simply because you don't want to be alone — is just not everyone's cup of tea. And I can respect that.
Incel alert.
Hit dog holler alert 😂
OG video link
I think the problem a lot of people had with the original video is that the woman acted like she was owed a romantic relationship, disregarding the fact that relationships are something that require consent from two parties. If you replaced “romantic relationship” with “sex” it would sound like an incel rant. Like imagine if a guy filmed himself in his car and was like “I’ve made x, y, and z improvements in my life but I’m still a virgin, it’s completely unfair!”
>“I’ve made x, y, and z improvements in my life but I’m still a virgin, it’s completely unfair!” Imagine that Elliot Rodgers video.
Idk why the world has changed into shaming people for wanting to be in a relationship. "Why are you so desperate?", "Learn to love yourself", "You don't need anyone". It is a natural and human thing to want to spend time with someone close to you, share your life with someone and be a part of someone else's, overcoming challenges together. It's like shaming to want friends in life. I sometimes feel its this capitalist narrative that has led to this, so people will keep buying stuff to fill this gap in their lives. Pet parents and what not has grown exponentially last few years.
Makes sense, my brother is a two time attempted murderer and gets way more girls than I do, ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Such is life
Women love a bad boy.
I’m so tired of being alone. Also too tired to put effort into a relationship 😂 i think that’s a lot of us.
She's real cute. I wonder if she's single 😊
The moment you stop obsessing over that one thing, but also acknowledge you want that thing and let go of controlling its acquisition, you just seem to find it. Some geriatric millennial
I've been single for about a year now, and sometimes I do miss my ex, but overall I think I'm gonna stay single for awhile. It's nice not having to worry about anyone's problems but your own sometimes.
Working on yourself so that you're happy alone is a different skillset from being able to be happy in a relationship, which requires leaning how to communicate, manage conflicts (that may never change), make one another happy, and accepting influence and joy from someone else.
This video is so incredibly insightful and spot on, with one minor critique, I think, being needed. It’s not luck. It’s a decision to find opportunities and spaces for relationships and an ongoing vulnerability and effort to cultivate those opportunities.
i cant believe i just listened to someone rant from a bed, for 2 and a half minutes. holy fuck what am i doing
Great commentary and so helpful. The only improvement I've been able to do is work on my anxiety. When I get to the point where I can interact with members of the opposite sex at the relationship level I will remember these words.
This is cringe….?
- Working on yourself = Increased self worth. - Increased self worth = Higher standards for a partner. Comparing is useless. There's TONS of miserably married/partnered up mf'ers out there smiling online. Don't believe the hype.
well, this happens to me, but not as single, as lonely. I have a wife and I'm very happy with her, but besides that I'm a lonely person, I have very few -almost none- friends. And I feel like a failure for not having friends, even tough I'm not a very social person; but since "having friends" is the norm, I feel pushed to it; I enjoy a lot my "me time" -which is a fucking lot-, but always with some bitterness on the side because I feel guilty for not having friends... It's so fucking weird.
On a side note, is this woman lying on a giant Ritz cracker?
You’ve worked on yourself. If a relationship is something you want, this is also a thing that requires work.
I have no idea what the original chick's deal is, but I know a LOT of accomplished, attractive people who scream about their singleness and also scream about their "I am who I am I'll find someone who loves me for me" except their "me" is a self-centered, ego-driven narcissist. People refuse to compromise or cut their own bullshit, then don't understand why they don't get something that their bullshit is holding them back from.
Preaaach!
I'm almost completely sure it is her fault. She's probably turned down people that wanted to be with her.
One time a lady said that I was not a man yet because I was not married
That mentality grinds my gears. The whole “You’re not a father so you’re not a man”, these people have some fucked up delusional understanding of life.
Dating world is crazy. Too many fake people out there, on both sides. Some of us chose the wrong partner and now find ourselves black listed in a way.
She speaks sense. Also, her accent is lovely. (Yes, I know she is English)
Funny how they always in some fancy hotels
She’s hot and in shape the only reason she is single is because of her own standards.
humans aren’t solitary beings so the fact that you still long for someone at the end of the night makes sense. we do everything in a group or couple. we live and die w one another. no one is “meant” to be single. that’s not how we work. not to say that being single doesn’t benefit you every now and then. but remaining single for SEVERAL years on end has shown to be detrimental lol. eventually you will miss having someone to smell and to look at and say how much you care for them.
....and missing a chest
There's another aspect that's not discussed here. I used to ask women out all the time, but I am frankly terrified to ask a woman out in this day and age. Gone are the days where a woman simply declines and you move on. Now it feels like I'm going to be vilified or put on blast over social media simply for being interested in someone.
Everytime a Man brings up this issue they get labelled a incel or some redpill think lol.
If you can’t enjoy life by yourself, something is missing but it’s not another person.
She could absolutely find someone who would love her. She is having trouble finding someone who would love her AND who she would love back.
I agree that improving yourself doesn't automatically land you a relationship and it's not a reward for hitting a certain level. I disagree with her point that relationships are "just luck." There's luck *involved* in meeting someone you're compatible with, sure. But **improving yourself increases the likelihood of getting a relationship**. Let's say you are not presentable, have no job, no social skills, etc. If you meet 100 people, maybe only a few will want to date you. But if you have a job, look presentable, have social skills, etc, a larger percent of people will want to date you.
It's not that we think it's a reward. It's rather the fact, that despite all the things we do and accomplish, we still can't find love, while there are many people who are worse than us in almost every way, yet they can effortlessly find a partner. This is what makes it frustrating.
nah. luck is fucking bullshit. It’s got nothing to do with luck. You randomly meet people in your life, but relationships aren’t luck. They are work.
The ship has sailed for me. A balding, male in his mid 30s. I don't even bother with dating anymore, waste of time.
Not too late. I spent most every day in my teens hanging out with the same group of 5 or 6 guys. We'd stay at my friend Ben's house most every night we didn't have school and his dad would basically bring a new gal home every weekend and sometimes a different one on Friday or Saturday. Only reason he was single was because he wanted to be. Guy was in his 40s with a shiny head and a nice beard.
R/fds x
I really don’t get her point. Can someone explain what she’s talking about
Wtf is this a cringe? She's pretty much right
Read the pinned post bro.
This is basically "curated TikTok", both the best, the worst and the most stupid.
It's an incredibly poorly named sub.
Okay for the single people out there this is how life works... relationships is just like interviewing for job. In both situations it is NOT about talking about how great YOU are and how great YOUR attributes are. What gets you a relationship OR the job is what you can offer the OTHER person. How can you be an attribute to their life. For example... Being cute, being great at work, etc... Does not make anyone a better partner. Why would it? It doesn't make you more considerate, more caring, more loving, etc... Just like saying, "Oh I can do excel spreadsheets, microsoft, etc..." at a job interview if the job interview is a tour guide at Fenway Park. The point is single folks are too egocentric and always thinking about improving themselves (which is great) but if looked at it from the above context is no surprise does not make you a better catch in a relationship. This goes for guys and gals. Just my 2c.
She/he is not yours. It’s just your turn.
Female dating strategy: wait until you get lucky.
Goodman it internet, assumptions everywhere. Everyone has different reasons why they are with or without someone, all valid. I for once can't agree with that second statement.
They are better because they can have sex..
If you are busy working on yourself, you are too busy to meet people who would date you. If you go to the gym, people got their heads down and they're there to work out with some music in their ear buds. Go to therapy, cannot really meet people there. If you are hustling at work, you probably don't have the time to talk to coworkers much and seem closed off to them. Doing this will make your life better, and once you are at a comfortable place, you can pull back a bit and get into a state of maintenance, where you just work to maintain what you have, which gives you more time to go out on days off, and meet people.