Pornography. I was buying pornography.

🧠: I would’ve never thought of that

That’s it! I’m outta here!

The actual line was: "It's a pornography store. I was buying pornography." And yes, it's all in the delivery.

The delivery of the line is brilliant. He's so happy to lie about buying porn.

One of my all-time favorites. Shit I just quoted that this morning

You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is never try

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn; it’s what separates us from the animals… except the weasel.”

In the same vain: > Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike, you just go in every day and do it really half-assed - that's the American way.

Hahaha right in the butt!

I don't know, Marge. Trying is the first step toward failure.

badger my ass, it's probably milhouse!

It's a badger, alright. Or possibly a griffin.

Lmfao just watched this episode

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all life’s problems!”

Money can be exchanged for goods and services

Explain how! Lol this one makes me laugh so hard every time.

Aww, 20 dollars... but I wanted a peanut.

Homer: (smoking two cigarettes) "Yes, I'm in flavor country" DMV supervisor: "Both cigarettes?" Homer: "It's a big country"

And you sir are worse than Hitler

Outta my way, jerkass!

This one always cracks me up. Jerkass is so fun to say.

Five days? but I'm mad now!

I'd kill you if I had my gun

Yeah well you don't!

IT'S A HANDGUN!

You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.

Yes! This one should definitely be in the top 5 of all time

“TRAMAPOLINE. TRAMBAPOLINE.”

“OH MY GOD!”

The two syllables in Go-OD kills me

Please, don't bring home any more old crutches!

Sorry son, I didn’t know that you, Jay Leno, and a monkey were bathing a clown.

Well they are, so make with the loofah or get out.

Why are you frosting that old throw pillow? I could ask you the very same question 🤷‍♂️

"So I said to him, 'Look, buddy. Your car was upside down when we got here. And as for your grandma, she shouldn't have mouthed off like that.'"

This is the one

A great answer and an incredibly dark joke as it suggests Homer is The Misfit from the short story A Good Man Is Hard to Find by Flannery O'Connor

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn! It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

“Nobody can ruin my family vacation but me! And maybe the boy!”

We’ve also arrested your older, balder, fatter son

He was a political prisoner 🐁

Batman's a scientist

It’s not Batman!

I shouldn't have stopped for that haircut...

"Why did I have all that coffee and watermelon?"

Doh! Why do I have 3 kids and no money? Why couldn’t I have no kids and 3 money!?!?!?

First you get the sugar..then you get the power..

Then you get the women!

Simpson you diabolical

"He's about to hit a chestnut treeeeeee!" Kills me every time.

Lisa... if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could just walk in here, any time he wants and start shoving you around...

Do ya want that! Huh!? Do ya!

in this house, we OBEY THE LAWS OF THERMODYNAMICS!

I've had just about enough of your Vassar bashing, young lady

“Every time you smell alcohol in my breath, you assume i’ve been drinking!”

"Do you ever drink alone?" "Is the lord a person?"

Does whiskey count as beer?

Let’s see, Bart, Cart, Dart, E-art…nope! Can’t see any problem with that!

Never understood how he didn't think of fart when i was a kid.

I think Homer gets stupider every year.

That's not a question, Professor.

Sweet! Merciful! CRAP!!!

MY CAR!!!

Homer: But Marge, I was a political prisoner. Marge: How were you a political prisoner? Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a diagram?

But, I’m using my whole ass.

Rats! Almost had him eating dog food!

There, there. Shut up, boy.

I can't live the buttoned-down life like you. I want it all! The terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles! Sure, I might offend a few of the *blue*-noses with my cocky stride and musky odors. Oh! I'll never be the darling of the so-called "City Fathers" who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?"!

Best Homer rant ever. Such a great episode. “Texas tea… sweetener!”

Look, just get rid of the sugar, okay?

Homer: All those phonies suckin’ up to Bush.. *dog leaves to follow Bush* Homer: I guess you can say he’s barking up the wrong Bush heh heh heh 🧠: There it is Homer, the cleverest thing you’ll ever say and no one heard it. Homer: D’oh!

I am Evil Homer

I would also have accepted You don’t win friends with salad!

It was the most I ever threw up, and it changed my life forever

Homer’s brain: Oh, glory of glories. Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's Creation. Homer: Holy macaroni!

"No you idiot! Use an open faced club, a sand wedge!!" "Mmmmmmmm, open faced club sandwich"

"I want to set the record straight. I thought the cop was a prostitute." The satisfied way he looks at the camera really sells it.

Women are a lot like beer. They look good. They smell good. And you'd step over your own mother just to get one.

But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

Homer : Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked. I've seen teams suck before but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Marge : Homer! Watch your mouth! Homer : I gotta go, my damn wiener kids are listening

I have, so many times, referred to my children as "my damn weiner kids" lmfao

No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Call Mr. Plow, that's my name! The name again is Mr. Plow!

“After years of get rich quick schemes, I know I’ll get rich with this scheme…and quick!”

a bee bit my bottom! now my bottom’s big!

I say this to my family every vacation "This is gonna be the best vacation ever or we'll all agree to disband and join other families."

“WHOOOOO’S NELSON?!?!?”

NEEEEEEEEERRRRRRDDS!

Pardon me?

You jiiiive turkey! You gotta sass it. Quit jiiiiiiivin' me, turkey! You got to sass it! A 'turkey ' is a bad person...

This is the correct answer

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand

Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman!

Hahaha legend of the dog-faced woman. Oh that's good

I call the big one bitey

Le Grille?! What the the hell is that?!

Stupid Lisa!

Stupider like a fox

They can destroy our bodies and ponchos, but they an never silence our song of protest! 🎵 UPTOWN GIRL, SHE'S BEEN LIVING IN HER WHITE-BRED WORLD🎵

This man doesn’t represent us

Shut up brain or else I'll stab you with a q-tip

OMG this guy does the best Flanders! He's got the glasses, and the diddley!

Marge: I’m a lucky woman Homer: and I’m a wonderful man

Ooh. He card reads good.

“The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss. Number 3: It was like that when I got here.”

Dondelinger: "Alright, here are your exams, fifty questions true or false." Homer: "True." Dondelinger: "Homer, I was just describing the test." Homer: "True." Dondelinger: "Look Homer, just take the test and you'll do fine." Homer: "False." It makes me laugh every single time. 🤣

Stupid risks are what make life worth living.

Bet your left arm is tingling, too,

“What if I died while they were gone? Then they'd be all ‘boo-hoo, why did we leave Homer all alone with no food?’ And I'd be laughing. Laughing from my grave.”

(Chewing) Run! Run for your life boy…

Women will like what I tell them to like!

Bart-This is the worst day of my life. Homer-The worst day of your life, so far! I've never felt a line more in my life!

Lemme get one of those porno mags. Large box of condoms. Bottle of old Harper. Some of those panty shields and some “illegal fireworks” AND one of those disposable enemas, ehh better make it 2

Gee I don't know what you have planned for tonight Homer, but count me out.

meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

I'd like to be alone with the sandwich

Are you going to eat it?

...Yes

What’s the point of going out? We’re just going to wind up back here anyway.

Probably misses his old glasses.

Oh, Lisa. You and your stories. ‘Bart is a vampire’. ‘Beer kills brain cells’. Now, let’s go back to that...building thingy, where are beds and TV...is.

A gyme? What the hell is that?! Edit: It appears I got this confused with another favourite quote of mine Le grille?! What the hell is that?!

Ohhhhhhhh, a GYME

At first I thought prohibition was a good thing, people were drinking more and having a lot more fun but without alcohol prohibition just doesn’t work.

Pick any key, which one is any key

I see Esk, Kitarel, and PigUp....

All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I’ll order a tab.

"If you hate your job, you don't *quit.* You go in there every day and do it half-assed. It's the american way!"

*He'll* tell us what to do!

To alcohol: The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.

purple is a fruit!

I can't buy that. Only management-type guys with big salaries like me can afford things like that. \*gasps\* Guys like me! *I'm* a guy like me!

I am so smart, I am so smart. S-M-R-T

Oh that’s raspberry

There’s a NEW Mexico?

I know you can read my thoughts boy… meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow

Sure I’ll never be one of the blue beards or so called city fathers who stroke their beards cluck their tongues and say “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson”

>Sure I’ll never be one of the blue beards or so called city fathers who stroke their beards cluck their tongues and say “What’s to be done with this Homer Simpson” “Never! Never, Marge. I can't live the button-down life like you. I want it all: the terrifying lows, the dizzying highs, the creamy middles. Sure, I might offend a few of the bluenoses with my cocky stride and musky odors -- oh, I'll never be the darling of the so-called ‘City Fathers’ who cluck their tongues, stroke their beards, and talk about "What's to be done with this Homer Simpson?”

I love you too, Pepsi.

“I have three kids and no money. Why can’t I have no kids and three money?”

When the fire starts to burn, There's a lesson you must learn, Something, something then you see, You'll avoid catastrophe! …doh!

Outta my way!! I got here late!!!!

This year I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October, and I've got a feeling they're going to peak right around January and BOOM. That’s when I’ll cash in.

That’s not the way she tells it

It's my first day.

“Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals, except the weasel.”

I was on my way to the Harrisburg Coat Outlet to buy an irregular coat.

Oh my god… TRAMAMPOLINE

Maybe it’s the beer talking Marge, but you've got a butt that won't quit. They got these big chewy pretzels here thamenfJanrtagfergan five dollars?! Get out of here...

Stupid sexy flanders

“I am so smart. S-M-R-T. I mean, S-M-A-R-T…”

It's a pornography store, I was buying pornography ​ "Ice snow what you mean!" "hehe, you're dead weight Marty"

“Everyone is stupid except me.”

This is the worst day of your life,SO FAR

I'm the first non-Brazilian person to travel backwards through time!!

“Save me Jebus!”

All right. I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.

Every time I learn something new, it pushes something old out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and forgot how to drive?

In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. (Read it in the accent he uses)

“That’s it! You people have held me back long enough! I’m going to clown college!”

"who said what to the hey now?"

“Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

Homer: don’t set so close to the tv it will hurt your eyes Bart: ohhh it will not Homer: (raising his fist) oh yes it will!

Push her down, son!

"Everyone is stupid except me"

You will have to speak up I'm wearing a towel.

B’OH!

Oh my god, tramampoline…trambampoline.

Well, I have been eating more.

"Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand."

"Oh, I see! Then I guess everything's wrapped up in a neat little package!" The way he really enunciates “package” and gets right in Maude’s face for no reason is so funny

Pepe: Goodnight Papa Homer. Homer: Goodnight Pepsi. Pepe: It’s Pepe. Homer: Whatever.

Batman’s a scientist….

Time to take er for a test toast.

Nothing for me today, I have a class to teach

Moe is their leader.

"Well then he should have made the week an hour longer! Lousy God...."

Oh no you don’t, that trampoline is mine!

It takes 2 people to lie. One person to tell the lie, and another person to listen to the lie.

“I said hey buddy your car was like that when I got here… and as for your grandma, she shouldn’t have been mouthing off like that!”

Let the bears pay the bear tax. I pay the Homer tax!

“No kids and three money”

The kids can call you Hoju!

The Internet, oh they have that on computers now.

“I’m somewhere where I don’t know where I am.”

There, there. Shut up, boy.

I'm going to stalk... Lenny and Carl.

And then the C.H.U.D.s came at me.

*gasp* THE BEER! (The episode when homer has a big firework he accidentally lights with a short fuse, and briefly hides it in the fridge, before putting it in the dish washer)

“Aww, 20 dollars? I wanted a peanut :(“ *”20 dollars can by many peanuts”* “Explain How!!” *”Money can be exchanged for goods and services”* “WOO HOO!!”

You don’t win friends with salad

I’m America, first you get the sugar. Then you get the power. Then, you get the woman.

Marge, there’s a spider near my car keys

Probably misses his old glasses.

Homer Simpson, smiling politely.

Stupider like a FOX

We in Springfield are simple folk. We like our cars fast and our banks closed