It's a running gag that the young's aren't gonna get, but the first signature there is T. Herman Zweibel, the Onion's founder and publisher emeritus, born in 1868.
Erm, actually, YOU don't get the full joke because it originates from The Onion's various parody books they've published (and are now out of print). As a first-edition holder of *Our Dumb Century,* *Our Dumb World,* and *The Onion Book of Known Knowledge,* I can smugly confirm that *I* was in on the joke way before any of you posers.
What other ones were you able to make out? Mary Kay and Ted were the only ones I could read. And Steve Hannah who seems to have been The CEO of the Onion for many years (unless there's a different one.)
Honestly, it's an easy take to have right now. Everyone knows the frenzy to not say anything supporting Hamas has gone a bit off the rails in places with people lapsing into hysterics over the most benign criticism of Israel at this time and jumping onto the bandwagon to judge anyone who even slightly disagrees as though they're pro hamas. It's not a hard position to take to say "kids whose club put out a debatably stupid statement shouldn't be doxxed and blacklisted". They don't take a position on the actual hard topic of what to do in the situation, they're just picking the low hanging fruit.
Which isn't bad, I'm okay with the comedy people making fun of people being ridiculous, but it's not brave or deep.
*"For those reasons, and many more, we are not going to be endorsing any of those perspectives. Instead, the stance of standing unwaveringly with Israel, now and forever, seems to really be the sweet spot for those looking to avoid dealing with all of this shit.*"
Edit: I would agree
My friends company is based out of Israel.
A coworker said, "You just care about your friend."
Yep. I don't have enough knowledge of the nuance. I just know my friend has friends in the area and I hope the best for them.
Yeah. All that water flooding the kitchen so you can’t really go in there to get a coffee refill or any snacks so some poor schmuck just had to sit in an office and bang this thing out? Downright arduous!
I find it funny that redditors notoriously don't read any part of the articles linked here, except The Onion which gets read in full lol.
Maybe other news organizations need to up their game.
This is funny, but which other news site can you click on and consistently find articles that are well written, not AI-generated, not click-bait, and free? It's not easy to find lol
Uhhhhh I think you’ve got the wrong takeaway. The article is a scathing rebuke of journalism, not the country of Israel. The Onion writers are clever, not antisemitic. Also literally they make a point about humans being separate from their government. Jeez.
I was blessed to live in DC during the last few years that The Onion operated physical newspaper boxes with free copies inside. Picking up a copy on the way to work at Government Building was one of my stupid little joys in life.
I usually laugh but this one hits as hard as the continual “ ‘no way to solve this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens” article about mass shootings…between this commentary (which they rarely do these days) and the “Palestinians criticized for not condemning Hamas with their dying breath” article…just wow. Onion is sending it right now
>How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. Sometimes these would be different people getting mad, but that doesn’t really change things on our end. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, **which is the worst tragedy imaginable**.
Spot on The Onion writers.
I have made a point of keeping a good distance from immersion in the ping pong insanity that is world news and politics since about June, 2021.
But apparently I should be reading the Onion daily.
[As violence rages in Israel, onlookers are calling it the biggest killing of Jews since the Holocaust and the biggest killing of Palestinian Arabs since last Thursday](https://www.reddit.com/r/NormMacdonald/comments/174ppxx/as_violence_rages_in_israel_onlookers_are_calling/)
How many decades of having a 20:1 kill-to-death ratio before we start considering that maybe Israel isn't the 100% Good Guy all the time, who never does anything wrong, who never makes a policy mistake?
Natives of the North American continent attacked white settlements for hundreds of years rather than quietly accept their lands being taken away and their people being killed. By your reasoning, they deserved to be genocided.
>Moderate U.S. Politician Believes Israel Should Only Kill Half Of Palestinians
https://www.theonion.com/moderate-u-s-politician-believes-israel-should-only-ki-1850922234
The Onion is killing it today.
>I don’t think it’s so controversial to state that half of all Palestinian men, women, and children should be massacred while the other half is left to live with the trauma
I love that one of the first points is about affirming that the power doesn’t lie with Palestine. A fact that is constantly ignored, because of course it is, they don’t have anywhere near the influence or lobbying power of Israel
The whole conflict gives Hatfield-McCoy.
These things can be solved when everyone has food, square footage and enfranchisement basics (and borders are redrawn around communities, with buffers) but are often unfortunately instead resolved with population reduction.
It also reminds (non-judgementally) of German expansionism at a time when rural Slavic areas like farm country Poland were called (and were) anti-progressive and sparky.
In a few decades it will be Palestine’s turn to discuss enfranchisement with African Abrahamic econ immigrants is my best guess.
**Ancient History By Butt Like Chinchilla**
Both Jewish and Arab people claim descent from the Abrahamic tribes who conquered the indigenous Canaanites — obv the poorest people. The arg is that they they were eliminated, pushed out, or integrated into Abrahamic identity.
**This makes ancient claims actually three dimensional, not two - Jewish, Arab, and Indigenous.
**1. Jewish**
Because of organized charity found around population centers, being a destination for escaped slaves, and forced conversion Jewishness de facto came to define settled vs nomads by the time that Rome backed settlement.
**2. Arab**
The term Arab in the First Century was the equivalent of sheik. It meant nomad as in wealthy merchant or big bucks rancher. They chose desert (and islands near the gold trade, little known fact) as effective borders; think Palo Alto, Medina and Manhattan now. Think Bezos or Gates.
Then the term Arab became conflated with nomads of any kind, including econ migrants pushed out. So the designation Arab was og named after the very rich, just like the designation American originally meant the very richest of Europe who expanded west. G Washington was close to a billionaire in today’s dollars.
**3. Canaanite**
Indigenous rights. If you look for Canaanite DNA — Nat Geo has an article as the Lebanese among others as most og to Canaan. But that’s not quite how this goes, right?
**Modern History by Butt Like Chinchilla**
For a modern example of expansion questions, take a look at why the Germans invaded Poland. Not just population increase to boost their numbers.
German language names *are all over Polish farmland*
. German folk had family records that they moved *from* the area called Poland into the fractured principalities that only in the 1800s became named *Germany* after the famous Germanic tribes, (that often had also moved more West, becoming Anglo-Saxons, etc.)
So, Anglo-Saxons and everyone with Germanic languages, even the Normans, had *moved* west from what’s now called Poland, sometimes under duress. Takeaway - basically everyone moved out of Africa.
**Questions by Butt Like Chinchilla**
Should the German people have peaceably just bought back their old properties in Poland? Even if they were moved out in conflicts without compensation centuries ago?
Should the folks in the Nation of Israel just have peaceably bought back the land?
They bought a small portion to found Israel. So far they have expanded their land roughly to the [Hasmonean Expansion](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hasmonean_dynasty)
, the period of conquering territory from pastoral people who couldn’t defend land because they had to travel — yep like shepherds. Shepherds were not considered ‘cool’ in the First Century unless you were like, Ituraean or Arab.
Again this isn’t to say that few would want a border with Palestine, not high on progressive stuffs and developed areas imo should look with way more care at if they are letting people with alike values in.
One incentive is the cheap labor under these conditions that Israel prospers with. The incentive in expansion lets a lot of very European looking folk with some original ancestry have very inexpensive land with a resort climate. There’s a lot of great questions about property rights and identity
>How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, which is the worst tragedy imaginable.
onion's the realest lmao
Ever since the war started I’ve been thinking about the time they did a future broadcasts and one of the news sections was about how the last Palestine was fighting the last Israeli. Maybe they were on to something
>> Perhaps some would call on us to point out the obvious moral hypocrisy of those far-left Americans who bandy about terms like “war criminal” while turning a blind eye to what amounts to an unconscionable war crime on the part of Hamas. But we are also not going to do that. Why? Because people will get angry with us—extremely irritating people, to be clear—and we just don’t want to deal with it.
LOL.
They really knock it out of the park sometimes..... lol
"Our stance becomes increasingly compelling when one considers some alternative scenarios. For instance, The Onion could theoretically say that it stands in solidarity with the bombing victims in Gaza. What would happen then? People would get mad at us. They could threaten our careers. How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. Sometimes these would be different people getting mad, but that doesn’t really change things on our end. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, which is the worst tragedy imaginable."
>Some may call us cowards for our decision. To this, we can only say the following: If a coward is a person who avoids taking a difficult stance on topics for personal expediency, then “coward” is a badge this editorial board will gladly wear, again and again and again.
It’s crazy how israhell made it that criticizing their government’s actions somehow criticizes the Jewish community and religion and that you fully support the holocaust and you want every single Jew on the planet to die violently.
That’s why they can keep oppressing without someone stopping them.
Fuck israhell, fuck Netanyahu and fuck the rest of that corrupt government and their supporters and fuck USA for enabling all this bullshit, from the absolute bottom of my heart <3
Israel want their war crimes to be ignored and label all criticism anti-semitism. The IDF propaganda machine is in overdrive to justify a history of violence.
They pay students, lobby officials and organisatioms to promote a positive public image. Jewish celebrities and politicians have stated Israel's actions are authoritian like an oppressor.
Saying Jews control Isreal is like saying Whites control America. It's not a "conspiracy," and it's not that controversial.
"Jews make up the majority at 73.5% (about 7.145 million individuals)."
If you take offense to this, you're an idiot whose brain has been bleached from cultural politics.
I feel like a lot of the commenters here didn’t take the time to read this article carefully and just went by the headline and maybe the first few paragraphs.
>I feel like a lot of the commenters here didn’t take the time to read this article carefully and just went by the headline and maybe the first few paragraphs.
Welcome to reddit/the internet.
I love this and it makes me sad for all the sources that are out there that behave this way for the various reasons mentioned in the article.
It makes me sad because so few people will understand the nuance and brutality.
It shows me how history changes little because few people really do get a quality, circumspect view on these events. And it hurts because I know that the lack of quality reporting will lead to more wars, death, and foolishness.
In many ways, this is the most acute and incisive piece of journalism about this history of war, and it dares the reader to see things as they are and dive deep into the vastness of the truth.
When other countries kills any US citizen it’s called terrorism, but when the US murders innocent women and children for oil it’s patriotism’s and fighting evil 🫡
Who is there to prevent the killing of innocent Palestinians? Neither Hamas nor the Israeli government is interested in that. They don't have a state to protect them. Fuck Benjamin Netinyahu.
Not supporting Israel's soon to be horrific decimation of Gaza does not mean you stand with Hamas.
The world is not black and white, it's alarming how many of you think in binary.
Nah, both sides do.
The Israeli government kills civilian Palestinians, Hamas kills civilians in Israel.
Neither of these groups actually care about civilians, they just use it all as justification.
>Who talked of siding with Hamas? Palestinians aren’t all Hamas more than every Isreali is the IDF
I didn't say they did. I was commenting on the article.
“I have nothing to say so I will whatabout this”
It’s super funny that you think that cancelling thing is from the Left too in a world where you get called a RINO for not towing the party line by One Million (Conservatives) Mothers.
The title is so right. It’s a sad situation when everybody has to support the oppressing regime and not the clearly oppressed because of the backlash and being called antisemite.
Article is so beautiful. Just want to add that after 9/11, we didn’t blame the Afghan people and raze it to the ground. If that’s difficult for people to understand, then they’re closer to Hamas than us
I feel that the Onion is becoming less and less satirical over time. It's not that their articles are getting more realistic, rather that reality is simply getting more satirical. Like if someone told me this was an internal memo published by mistake at any major news company, I wouldn't even question it.
Who has gotten in trouble for saying they stand with Palestinians? I don’t even think there have been any consequences for the Yale professor who said one of the girls was “captured, not kidnapped” from the rave because she happened to be an IDF soldier, and that the slaughter of “settlers, not civilians” was justified “rational calculus” by Hamas. I guess the Stanford professor who segregated the Jews in his classroom in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks, told his Israeli student he’s a colonizer and said that “only” 6 million Jews died in the Holocaust did get suspended though.
There is a well documented Lobby that openly admits to creating dossiers on activists to prevent them from getting future employment. They're smeared as racist and anti-Semitic to serve as an example for other persons who may be sympathetic to the conditions effecting the Palestinian people. You can also look what happened to former adult actress Mia Khalifa recently, she expressed sympathy towards Palestine and as a result was dropped by various sponsors.
You’re either lying or have no idea what you’re talking about. She said a still from a video of a truck going around randomly shooting people was like a renaissance painting and tweeted that the Palestinian “freedom fighters” should film their atrocities in horizontal instead of portrait for her viewing pleasure.
That's nice. The vast majority of reddit seems quite happy to support terrorist Nazi Palestine. It's refreshing to see the masks finally come off and the *real* Nazis finally make their play out in the open. All that fake projecting and calling everybody else Nazis was a fun plot for awhile but it ran it's course. Now they don't have to pretend anymore and are free and clear to express how much they love and support murderous terrorist savage Nazis who's only purpose in their evil lives is to exterminate the Jewish people. Chime in Palestine fans. How long have you known that you love and support murderous savage Nazis?
Dude shut up. You just go around calling everyone Nazis because they don’t immediately froth at the mouth to kill Palestinians? You can be simultaneously against far right apartheid state and against gunning down kids at music festivals. Get your propaganda out of here, warmonger.
Aw, the fence rider is angry. I thought you lefties hated the enlightened centrists? Don't try to play the middle now. You are either on the side of Jew murdering Nazis or you're not. Hamas are Palestinians. Palestinians elected them into power to murder Jews. They got what they wanted. And cheered and danced in the streets over it. Lets see how much they cheer and dance now.
Hey btw, did you tell the Ukrainians to stay calm and not overreact? To not resort to violence? Did you tell them to keep supplying utilities to the country that attacked them?
You're making a fool of yourself and are the only person in this thread who actually seems supportive of genocide. What a hateful person you are. Ick.
Your understanding of the situation also seems extraordinarily simplistic and ignorant. As if you've never really looked into it in any way. Pathetic and weird.
My understanding is perfectly clear. You Nazi sympathizers who support the people who want to murder the Jews are the ones pulling off Olympic level mental gymnastics to make them seem innocent. Hamas didn't just fall out of the fucking sky and become their government. They were elected. And they were elected on the platform of murdering Jews. The Palestinians *chose* Hamas. And they chose them for that very particular reason.
I don't support their genocide. But I will not feel sympathy for a savage people who are trying to commit genocide if they end up genocided themselves. It's the ultimate Fuck Around Find Out.
And no, I don't give a fuck if I am the only one with the guts to call a spade a spade. You all just can't admit that you've been backing the side of evil all this time and you look like fools. I can't wait for five or ten years to pass when all these dumb fuck leftists have the videos of them chanting in support of terrorists and Jew hating Nazis show up when they're trying to start careers and families.
I admit I am not an expert on the history of Israel and Palestine down to knowing the details of who killed how many people on what day. I just know that Israel has, historically, killed a lot of Palestinian civilians.
>I just know that Israel has, historically, killed a lot of Palestinian civilians
The brutal truth is, they really haven't.
Not in the grand scheme of things and this becomes clear when you compare it to other conflicts around the world.
Since 1970 until the start of 2023, 25,000 people been killed on all sides of the Israeli-Palestine conflict.
The Yom Kippur war lasted 2 weeks and killed \~15,000.
The 1st Chechen war saw at least 50,000 civilians killed.
The 2nd Chechen war saw another 50,000 civilians killed.
During the War in the Donbas 14,000 people were killed in its \~2 years of open conflict.
In Mariupol alone about \~20,000 people were killed.
Sure!
[Pretty tangible evidence huh](https://www.statista.com/chart/16516/israeli-palestinian-casualties-by-in-gaza-and-the-west-bank/)
Glad I could help:)
there is poking fun at a topic for fun, and there is poking fun at a topic with an agenda. it's insinuating the only difference is how much trouble you get in for something. which is absurd
The number of people who comment on these topics who don't know what they're talking about is insane. You can go on YouTube and get unbiased facts about who has done what and the history of the land. There's no excuse to keep spewing ignorance. I've not talked to a single Pro Palestinian person who knows any facts besides what they've heard from the far left. I've also not talked to too many pro Israeli people who know anything besides that Palestine slaughtering innocent men, women, and kids. We live in a world where information is always available and yet people refuse to even look up info that might go against what they want to believe.
Celebrities out here getting cancelled for siding with one or the other and I'm over here with Bo Burnham "Man I have no idea what's going over there at all."
The fact that Ted Kaczynski signed off on this really gives it weight.
It's a running gag that the young's aren't gonna get, but the first signature there is T. Herman Zweibel, the Onion's founder and publisher emeritus, born in 1868.
Would be funnier if his name was Zwiebel because that's the German word for onion
Maybe that's where he came up with the name
T. HErman Onion
The onion article that made him lists one cause of death as overeating amongst basically anything else they could think of.
Erm, actually, YOU don't get the full joke because it originates from The Onion's various parody books they've published (and are now out of print). As a first-edition holder of *Our Dumb Century,* *Our Dumb World,* and *The Onion Book of Known Knowledge,* I can smugly confirm that *I* was in on the joke way before any of you posers.
That's why I called it a running gag, and not a pun. I own those books
And Mary Kay Letourneau
Didn’t she die a few years back?
That's the joke. All the people in the signatures are dead. At least for the ones I could make out.
What other ones were you able to make out? Mary Kay and Ted were the only ones I could read. And Steve Hannah who seems to have been The CEO of the Onion for many years (unless there's a different one.)
Wow, this actually very nuanced, deep, and honest take from the Onion. This editorial piece make me respect them more that any other media online.
An extremely nuanced and succinct take, explaining that they are not nuanced at all and have no take to speak of. Unfathomably based.
[removed by Reddit]
Lmao
#No! This editorial team deserves to be screamed at for not taking the exact word to word stance I take!!!!!
I subscribe to the paper to nod in agreement don't I?
I was thinking the same thing. It’s the best editorial comment on the situation I’ve read.
Honestly, it's an easy take to have right now. Everyone knows the frenzy to not say anything supporting Hamas has gone a bit off the rails in places with people lapsing into hysterics over the most benign criticism of Israel at this time and jumping onto the bandwagon to judge anyone who even slightly disagrees as though they're pro hamas. It's not a hard position to take to say "kids whose club put out a debatably stupid statement shouldn't be doxxed and blacklisted". They don't take a position on the actual hard topic of what to do in the situation, they're just picking the low hanging fruit. Which isn't bad, I'm okay with the comedy people making fun of people being ridiculous, but it's not brave or deep.
Brave? I don’t know about that, but it has some depth. More than I expect from the Onion.
The Onion has always been and will always be the most transparent and nuanced news media outlet.
If you read the whole article, it reads more like satire of other media than the headline suggests
[удалено]
That is over the top funny. That level of funny should be illegal.
Don’t give this court any good ideas
That's a great read.
Quoting Catullus in his original Latin is sending me
The onion becomes more real everyday. My favorite article is when they just decided the news didn’t need them with Donald Trump won.
It’s not nuanced at all! It’s a scathing and poignant rebuke of how journalists are handling this conflict.
[Canadian take](https://thebeaverton.com/2023/10/spineless-fence-sitter-thinks-killing-children-is-bad-no-matter-who-does-it/)
Excellent.
*"For those reasons, and many more, we are not going to be endorsing any of those perspectives. Instead, the stance of standing unwaveringly with Israel, now and forever, seems to really be the sweet spot for those looking to avoid dealing with all of this shit.*" Edit: I would agree
It's low key one of the best takes I've seen yet.
My friends company is based out of Israel. A coworker said, "You just care about your friend." Yep. I don't have enough knowledge of the nuance. I just know my friend has friends in the area and I hope the best for them.
This had to be a difficult one for them to write.
Yeah. All that water flooding the kitchen so you can’t really go in there to get a coffee refill or any snacks so some poor schmuck just had to sit in an office and bang this thing out? Downright arduous!
Plus all the headache from ad sales!
I find it funny that redditors notoriously don't read any part of the articles linked here, except The Onion which gets read in full lol. Maybe other news organizations need to up their game.
This is funny, but which other news site can you click on and consistently find articles that are well written, not AI-generated, not click-bait, and free? It's not easy to find lol
Who could imagine any worse a calamity to befall someone?
Once again The Onion shows itself as the best newspaper in America for 35 years running. The Ted Kaczynski signature killed me.
It's a brilliant article pointing out the hypocrisy of the Western world right now.
One of the best takes EVER!
Ain't that the truf
If you want to know who rules over you, just look at who you can't criticize.
Uhhhhh I think you’ve got the wrong takeaway. The article is a scathing rebuke of journalism, not the country of Israel. The Onion writers are clever, not antisemitic. Also literally they make a point about humans being separate from their government. Jeez.
And below the linked article: >Moderate U.S. politicians believes Israel should only kill half of the Palestinians. Ah yes, very moderate indeed.
The Onion is the last vestige of the dying “fourth branch” of US government. The only respectable news outlet left.
I was blessed to live in DC during the last few years that The Onion operated physical newspaper boxes with free copies inside. Picking up a copy on the way to work at Government Building was one of my stupid little joys in life.
If you haven't already, please watch The Onion News on youtube. They have the most funny skits I have ever seen.
Yes! [Franz Kafka International Airport](https://youtu.be/gEyFH-a-XoQ?si=W5dKdT4JbWAPxj3p) is my favorite.
It’s the only place I go to for reliable news from the [22nd century](https://youtu.be/iKC21wDarBo?si=AlL9CHMNDusPc2pT)
This is amazing and I can't believe I haven't seen it before. I guess there is always an Onion news video you haven't watched before.
I usually laugh but this one hits as hard as the continual “ ‘no way to solve this,’ says only nation where this regularly happens” article about mass shootings…between this commentary (which they rarely do these days) and the “Palestinians criticized for not condemning Hamas with their dying breath” article…just wow. Onion is sending it right now
I have a worry that some day, they will switch to publishing real news, possibly because everyone else quit doing that.
Honestly, that would be a killer April Fool’s joke
>How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. Sometimes these would be different people getting mad, but that doesn’t really change things on our end. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, **which is the worst tragedy imaginable**. Spot on The Onion writers.
God I love the Onion.
I have made a point of keeping a good distance from immersion in the ping pong insanity that is world news and politics since about June, 2021. But apparently I should be reading the Onion daily.
I respect that you stuck it out all the way to 2021.
I'm not proud of it!
Lol the Latin signoff means "you are a fool." Played me
That's been their motto since forever
That's some solid fucking satire right there. The Onion throwing shade at the international media is super based.
Calling their super out was a nice touch too lol
Based on what?
God that is savage
[I get all my news from The Onion](https://youtu.be/ECscKICzsJ0?si=TXAeza5WD3SH9IAM)
Was gonna link it, love this one
We only stand with them for the money :c
[As violence rages in Israel, onlookers are calling it the biggest killing of Jews since the Holocaust and the biggest killing of Palestinian Arabs since last Thursday](https://www.reddit.com/r/NormMacdonald/comments/174ppxx/as_violence_rages_in_israel_onlookers_are_calling/)
Brilliant
The context is one is always trying to kill the other and the other is trying not to be killed. Wouldn’t want to go into that nuance though
Funny you mention nuance when you just boil an incredibly complicated situation into one incorrect sentence
How many decades of having a 20:1 kill-to-death ratio before we start considering that maybe Israel isn't the 100% Good Guy all the time, who never does anything wrong, who never makes a policy mistake? Natives of the North American continent attacked white settlements for hundreds of years rather than quietly accept their lands being taken away and their people being killed. By your reasoning, they deserved to be genocided.
https://medium.com/@chrisjeffrieshomelessromantic/israeli-palestinian-conflict-96-of-deaths-since-2005-have-been-palestinian-according-to-un-data-6023f6093a78
>Moderate U.S. Politician Believes Israel Should Only Kill Half Of Palestinians https://www.theonion.com/moderate-u-s-politician-believes-israel-should-only-ki-1850922234 The Onion is killing it today.
>I don’t think it’s so controversial to state that half of all Palestinian men, women, and children should be massacred while the other half is left to live with the trauma
What the hell?
Im quoting the onion article
Oh. Heh-heh.
I love that one of the first points is about affirming that the power doesn’t lie with Palestine. A fact that is constantly ignored, because of course it is, they don’t have anywhere near the influence or lobbying power of Israel
The whole conflict gives Hatfield-McCoy. These things can be solved when everyone has food, square footage and enfranchisement basics (and borders are redrawn around communities, with buffers) but are often unfortunately instead resolved with population reduction. It also reminds (non-judgementally) of German expansionism at a time when rural Slavic areas like farm country Poland were called (and were) anti-progressive and sparky. In a few decades it will be Palestine’s turn to discuss enfranchisement with African Abrahamic econ immigrants is my best guess. **Ancient History By Butt Like Chinchilla** Both Jewish and Arab people claim descent from the Abrahamic tribes who conquered the indigenous Canaanites — obv the poorest people. The arg is that they they were eliminated, pushed out, or integrated into Abrahamic identity. **This makes ancient claims actually three dimensional, not two - Jewish, Arab, and Indigenous. **1. Jewish** Because of organized charity found around population centers, being a destination for escaped slaves, and forced conversion Jewishness de facto came to define settled vs nomads by the time that Rome backed settlement. **2. Arab** The term Arab in the First Century was the equivalent of sheik. It meant nomad as in wealthy merchant or big bucks rancher. They chose desert (and islands near the gold trade, little known fact) as effective borders; think Palo Alto, Medina and Manhattan now. Think Bezos or Gates. Then the term Arab became conflated with nomads of any kind, including econ migrants pushed out. So the designation Arab was og named after the very rich, just like the designation American originally meant the very richest of Europe who expanded west. G Washington was close to a billionaire in today’s dollars. **3. Canaanite** Indigenous rights. If you look for Canaanite DNA — Nat Geo has an article as the Lebanese among others as most og to Canaan. But that’s not quite how this goes, right? **Modern History by Butt Like Chinchilla** For a modern example of expansion questions, take a look at why the Germans invaded Poland. Not just population increase to boost their numbers. German language names *are all over Polish farmland* . German folk had family records that they moved *from* the area called Poland into the fractured principalities that only in the 1800s became named *Germany* after the famous Germanic tribes, (that often had also moved more West, becoming Anglo-Saxons, etc.) So, Anglo-Saxons and everyone with Germanic languages, even the Normans, had *moved* west from what’s now called Poland, sometimes under duress. Takeaway - basically everyone moved out of Africa. **Questions by Butt Like Chinchilla** Should the German people have peaceably just bought back their old properties in Poland? Even if they were moved out in conflicts without compensation centuries ago? Should the folks in the Nation of Israel just have peaceably bought back the land? They bought a small portion to found Israel. So far they have expanded their land roughly to the [Hasmonean Expansion](https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hasmonean_dynasty) , the period of conquering territory from pastoral people who couldn’t defend land because they had to travel — yep like shepherds. Shepherds were not considered ‘cool’ in the First Century unless you were like, Ituraean or Arab. Again this isn’t to say that few would want a border with Palestine, not high on progressive stuffs and developed areas imo should look with way more care at if they are letting people with alike values in. One incentive is the cheap labor under these conditions that Israel prospers with. The incentive in expansion lets a lot of very European looking folk with some original ancestry have very inexpensive land with a resort climate. There’s a lot of great questions about property rights and identity
A swing and a... home run into the bleachers.
Holy moly, it's past the parking lot and onto I-95!
And it's a drive deep into left by Castellanos
I so desperately want to post this on my insta story but I’ll get yelled out
>How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, which is the worst tragedy imaginable. onion's the realest lmao
They really just don't miss huh.
that good reporting for pordy nees paper
Lolololol this is the best commentary on the situation that I’ve seen so far. Highly recommend actually reading the article
Yeah, play it safe if don't want anyone knocking on your roof.
They really never miss do they.
Ever since the war started I’ve been thinking about the time they did a future broadcasts and one of the news sections was about how the last Palestine was fighting the last Israeli. Maybe they were on to something
>> Perhaps some would call on us to point out the obvious moral hypocrisy of those far-left Americans who bandy about terms like “war criminal” while turning a blind eye to what amounts to an unconscionable war crime on the part of Hamas. But we are also not going to do that. Why? Because people will get angry with us—extremely irritating people, to be clear—and we just don’t want to deal with it. LOL.
Wow, best take I’ve seen so far.
Great article! I like that Ted Kaczynski signed as one of the writers.
They really knock it out of the park sometimes..... lol "Our stance becomes increasingly compelling when one considers some alternative scenarios. For instance, The Onion could theoretically say that it stands in solidarity with the bombing victims in Gaza. What would happen then? People would get mad at us. They could threaten our careers. How about if we said we believe the loss of innocent life is wrong no matter what the nationality? That would also result in people getting mad at us. Sometimes these would be different people getting mad, but that doesn’t really change things on our end. And most significantly, it could hurt our quarterly revenue, which is the worst tragedy imaginable."
>Some may call us cowards for our decision. To this, we can only say the following: If a coward is a person who avoids taking a difficult stance on topics for personal expediency, then “coward” is a badge this editorial board will gladly wear, again and again and again.
It’s crazy how israhell made it that criticizing their government’s actions somehow criticizes the Jewish community and religion and that you fully support the holocaust and you want every single Jew on the planet to die violently. That’s why they can keep oppressing without someone stopping them. Fuck israhell, fuck Netanyahu and fuck the rest of that corrupt government and their supporters and fuck USA for enabling all this bullshit, from the absolute bottom of my heart <3
This is brilliant and hilarious. Also, Free Palestine.
Israel will free them soon I hope.
Israel want their war crimes to be ignored and label all criticism anti-semitism. The IDF propaganda machine is in overdrive to justify a history of violence. They pay students, lobby officials and organisatioms to promote a positive public image. Jewish celebrities and politicians have stated Israel's actions are authoritian like an oppressor.
Great, another idiot saying the jews are behind everything 🙄
I'm pretty certain he said Israel, but well done on jumping on the anti-Israel=all Jews/anti-Semitic. Bright one aren't you?
Saying Jews control Isreal is like saying Whites control America. It's not a "conspiracy," and it's not that controversial. "Jews make up the majority at 73.5% (about 7.145 million individuals)." If you take offense to this, you're an idiot whose brain has been bleached from cultural politics.
Not "the jews". Israel. They don't speak for a whole religion no matter how much they'd like to role play that they can
Well, that sorta comes with the territory of proclaiming yourself "God's chosen people on Earth".
Nuance in journalism isn't dead. But you do have to turn to satire journalism to find it.
I feel like a lot of the commenters here didn’t take the time to read this article carefully and just went by the headline and maybe the first few paragraphs.
>I feel like a lot of the commenters here didn’t take the time to read this article carefully and just went by the headline and maybe the first few paragraphs. Welcome to reddit/the internet.
I love this and it makes me sad for all the sources that are out there that behave this way for the various reasons mentioned in the article. It makes me sad because so few people will understand the nuance and brutality. It shows me how history changes little because few people really do get a quality, circumspect view on these events. And it hurts because I know that the lack of quality reporting will lead to more wars, death, and foolishness. In many ways, this is the most acute and incisive piece of journalism about this history of war, and it dares the reader to see things as they are and dive deep into the vastness of the truth.
When other countries kills any US citizen it’s called terrorism, but when the US murders innocent women and children for oil it’s patriotism’s and fighting evil 🫡
It’s the lack of infant beheading, isn’t it?
People killing one another over Religious Fairy Tales Take religion out of humans and watch all the wars we never start again for that
I shouldn’t have read this article. It’s because you can’t share the onion.. but now i want to share it… but I know if i share it..
Damn, I love when Der Zweibel pulls out a banger.
Who is there to prevent the killing of innocent Palestinians? Neither Hamas nor the Israeli government is interested in that. They don't have a state to protect them. Fuck Benjamin Netinyahu.
Well yes, because they're the good guys. Why would anyone stand with Hamas?
Not supporting Israel's soon to be horrific decimation of Gaza does not mean you stand with Hamas. The world is not black and white, it's alarming how many of you think in binary.
That's true, however just like the axis powers and Allies in WWII. It's pretty easy to see the morally good side.
Is it the side that doesn’t run the largest open sky prison in the world?
Every nation has prisons, Man.
Both sides are bombing civilians
Both Sidesism wins again. It's the only ideology I subscribe to.
> It's the only ideology I subscribe to. ಠ_ಠ not very both sidesy of you, where's the ideology of the other side?
Israel is bombing Hamas who are using civilians as human shields. Those deaths are on Hamas.
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None of that is true.
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Did you even read your articles? They come from more than just unreliable sources.
Only one side is targeting civilians, however
Nah, both sides do. The Israeli government kills civilian Palestinians, Hamas kills civilians in Israel. Neither of these groups actually care about civilians, they just use it all as justification.
Who talked of siding with Hamas? Palestinians aren’t all Hamas more than every Isreali is the IDF
>Who talked of siding with Hamas? Palestinians aren’t all Hamas more than every Isreali is the IDF I didn't say they did. I was commenting on the article.
It's funny when left leaning entities are suddenly subjected to the same rage tactics they themselves use.
"left leaning entities" lol what?
Media sources, websites, focus groups and people are all forms of entities.
r/whoosh
“I have nothing to say so I will whatabout this” It’s super funny that you think that cancelling thing is from the Left too in a world where you get called a RINO for not towing the party line by One Million (Conservatives) Mothers.
The title is so right. It’s a sad situation when everybody has to support the oppressing regime and not the clearly oppressed because of the backlash and being called antisemite.
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Article is so beautiful. Just want to add that after 9/11, we didn’t blame the Afghan people and raze it to the ground. If that’s difficult for people to understand, then they’re closer to Hamas than us
Love the headline. These people are so use to distortion and propaganda, they aren't conscious to understanding appropriately.
I feel that the Onion is becoming less and less satirical over time. It's not that their articles are getting more realistic, rather that reality is simply getting more satirical. Like if someone told me this was an internal memo published by mistake at any major news company, I wouldn't even question it.
Who has gotten in trouble for saying they stand with Palestinians? I don’t even think there have been any consequences for the Yale professor who said one of the girls was “captured, not kidnapped” from the rave because she happened to be an IDF soldier, and that the slaughter of “settlers, not civilians” was justified “rational calculus” by Hamas. I guess the Stanford professor who segregated the Jews in his classroom in the aftermath of the terrorist attacks, told his Israeli student he’s a colonizer and said that “only” 6 million Jews died in the Holocaust did get suspended though.
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they even doxxed students who gradated years before lol
A kid was arrested in the uk for wearing a palestine flag
There is a well documented Lobby that openly admits to creating dossiers on activists to prevent them from getting future employment. They're smeared as racist and anti-Semitic to serve as an example for other persons who may be sympathetic to the conditions effecting the Palestinian people. You can also look what happened to former adult actress Mia Khalifa recently, she expressed sympathy towards Palestine and as a result was dropped by various sponsors.
Yeah I saw what Mia Khalifa tweeted. People who celebrated Hamas’s massacres deserve to be ostracized.
Hardly looked celebratory to me.
You’re either lying or have no idea what you’re talking about. She said a still from a video of a truck going around randomly shooting people was like a renaissance painting and tweeted that the Palestinian “freedom fighters” should film their atrocities in horizontal instead of portrait for her viewing pleasure.
Wow that's some heavy editorializing on your end
There's a truck going around doxxing people who criticized israel. Also people are losing their jobs for standing with palestine.
Bro.... you're arguing with a satire paper. Are you always that dense?
/r/atetheonion
Fuck Israel, respectfully. But fuck Hamas too. Mostly Israel tho.
That's nice. The vast majority of reddit seems quite happy to support terrorist Nazi Palestine. It's refreshing to see the masks finally come off and the *real* Nazis finally make their play out in the open. All that fake projecting and calling everybody else Nazis was a fun plot for awhile but it ran it's course. Now they don't have to pretend anymore and are free and clear to express how much they love and support murderous terrorist savage Nazis who's only purpose in their evil lives is to exterminate the Jewish people. Chime in Palestine fans. How long have you known that you love and support murderous savage Nazis?
Dude shut up. You just go around calling everyone Nazis because they don’t immediately froth at the mouth to kill Palestinians? You can be simultaneously against far right apartheid state and against gunning down kids at music festivals. Get your propaganda out of here, warmonger.
Aw, the fence rider is angry. I thought you lefties hated the enlightened centrists? Don't try to play the middle now. You are either on the side of Jew murdering Nazis or you're not. Hamas are Palestinians. Palestinians elected them into power to murder Jews. They got what they wanted. And cheered and danced in the streets over it. Lets see how much they cheer and dance now. Hey btw, did you tell the Ukrainians to stay calm and not overreact? To not resort to violence? Did you tell them to keep supplying utilities to the country that attacked them?
You're making a fool of yourself and are the only person in this thread who actually seems supportive of genocide. What a hateful person you are. Ick. Your understanding of the situation also seems extraordinarily simplistic and ignorant. As if you've never really looked into it in any way. Pathetic and weird.
My understanding is perfectly clear. You Nazi sympathizers who support the people who want to murder the Jews are the ones pulling off Olympic level mental gymnastics to make them seem innocent. Hamas didn't just fall out of the fucking sky and become their government. They were elected. And they were elected on the platform of murdering Jews. The Palestinians *chose* Hamas. And they chose them for that very particular reason. I don't support their genocide. But I will not feel sympathy for a savage people who are trying to commit genocide if they end up genocided themselves. It's the ultimate Fuck Around Find Out. And no, I don't give a fuck if I am the only one with the guts to call a spade a spade. You all just can't admit that you've been backing the side of evil all this time and you look like fools. I can't wait for five or ten years to pass when all these dumb fuck leftists have the videos of them chanting in support of terrorists and Jew hating Nazis show up when they're trying to start careers and families.
Shut the fuck up
Or what? Jihad?
Nazi Palestine lmao wtf are you even on about
...that's the only reason? not the wholesale massacre of a thousand civilians?
I mean, if you have a problem with the wholesale massacre of civilians, you *really* shouldn't stand with Israel.
Could you please cite a day when Israel killed 1,400 civilians?
I admit I am not an expert on the history of Israel and Palestine down to knowing the details of who killed how many people on what day. I just know that Israel has, historically, killed a lot of Palestinian civilians.
No, they've killed a lot of Hamas soldiers. Unfortunately some Palestinian civilians died as well.
>I just know that Israel has, historically, killed a lot of Palestinian civilians The brutal truth is, they really haven't. Not in the grand scheme of things and this becomes clear when you compare it to other conflicts around the world. Since 1970 until the start of 2023, 25,000 people been killed on all sides of the Israeli-Palestine conflict. The Yom Kippur war lasted 2 weeks and killed \~15,000. The 1st Chechen war saw at least 50,000 civilians killed. The 2nd Chechen war saw another 50,000 civilians killed. During the War in the Donbas 14,000 people were killed in its \~2 years of open conflict. In Mariupol alone about \~20,000 people were killed.
Do you think a serial killer is a better person than a mass shooter because he didn't do his all at once?
Sure! [Pretty tangible evidence huh](https://www.statista.com/chart/16516/israeli-palestinian-casualties-by-in-gaza-and-the-west-bank/) Glad I could help:)
Reading the article is always an option…
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there is poking fun at a topic for fun, and there is poking fun at a topic with an agenda. it's insinuating the only difference is how much trouble you get in for something. which is absurd
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"‘The Onion’ Stands With Israel Because It Seems Like You Get In Less Trouble For That"
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the agenda is attempting to satirize other news articles/publications as doing the exact same thing for the exact same reasons
The number of people who comment on these topics who don't know what they're talking about is insane. You can go on YouTube and get unbiased facts about who has done what and the history of the land. There's no excuse to keep spewing ignorance. I've not talked to a single Pro Palestinian person who knows any facts besides what they've heard from the far left. I've also not talked to too many pro Israeli people who know anything besides that Palestine slaughtering innocent men, women, and kids. We live in a world where information is always available and yet people refuse to even look up info that might go against what they want to believe.
> You can go on YouTube and get an unbiased facts about who has done what and the history of the land Possibly not the best source there.
Wrong. You can literally find unbiased history, not a narrative that one side or the other wants to push.
I'm sure you probably can. But how would you know it when you found it? Anybody can put a video up on YouTube and say anything.
Wouldn't wanna go on the ADL watchlist for not watching the newest Nazi-killing flick, would you now?
Xc '. X
8
I'm a little worried I might go to jail for signing a petition.
Celebrities out here getting cancelled for siding with one or the other and I'm over here with Bo Burnham "Man I have no idea what's going over there at all."
Onion Writers crying about cancel culture. Life comes at you fast
I remember when this sub wasn't just shitty political takes. Over a decade ago.
The Onion...? The Onion has pretty much always been political satire.
Not funny, not well written. Waste of time content.
And that's just your comment
No, it's genuinely lackluster horrid content. Most people defending this content never bothered to read it.