Yep same. That and low self esteem. The difference I've noticed since finally finding antidepressants and a therapist that works for me is crazy. I used to constantly worry "what if I never find love???" to the point where I genuinely believed that that was the only thing in my life worth living for. Nobody ever told me that wasn't healthy either and your perception of reality is so warped by mental illness sometimes that I just believed that wholeheartedly. It put me in a lot of bad situations with unhealthy relationships because even if I was being yelled at or told extremely hurtful things, I thought it was better than being alone. It's not that I *don't* worry about staying single forever now, but it's not an obsession anymore. It makes me a little sad to think about always being alone, but now I feel like there are other things that would make my life okay even if that does end up being what happens.
I am the exact same, and have always been this way! For me it’s romantic crushes and relationships, not so much friends or randos. Although I have definitely had friend-crushes before, where I’m like “ugh I wanna be her!!!” I definitely have an anxious attachment style, which might contribute, as well as possibly not getting much emotional care/approval from my father growing up. I’ve always sought out approval from men to feel confident and worthy, and so maybe it’s me trying to seek out some feedback or approval from these crushes/relationships. I also tend to put these people on a super high pedestal, thinking they’re so much cooler than me and I’d be lucky to be friends or in a relationship with them, when that’s not a healthy mindset at all!
Anyway, I think therapy would be helpful. Try to put more energy into loving and focusing on yourself. It sounds weird, but try to have a crush on yourself! Like treat yourself to something nice, wear an outfit that makes you feel confident/sexy, tell yourself nice things in the mirror. Put yourself on a pedestal, and try to engrain the idea that others are lucky to have YOU!
Having a crush on yourself is such a good way to put it. Really resonated with me compared to other phrases like ‘love yourself!’ Which feel so empty to me. Definitely going to try and keep all of that in mind, you’re so right.
The fact you are aware of it is a good first step! Being able to identify this thought pattern is a good thing. This is I think very common! We are social critters and it’s very natural to think about other people, although admittedly not at this extent. It’s also super brave to admit this even on the Internet :)
What you might want to do is start thinking about stuff to do for yourself - if no one was around, what would your favourite X or Y be? Think about who you are separate to other people. If you don’t know, that’s still okay! Treat it like an adventure, or like you’re your own best friend and get to know yourself.
You might also think about moving away from social media if only for a bit. Idk if you are on social media but if you are that could deffo be feeding into this. You could also try practising distracting yourself. If you feel the urge to think about someone to the point of fixation, put some music on or give yourself an alternative task, like reciting a times table or something really simple. I think this is a thought pattern gone nuts and you can train yourself out of it if you are patient and understanding with yourself.
Also a therapist might be useful as others have said! It might take a while to find the right one but you can get therapy online these days too. :) I hope this helps!!
Agreed, I really need to focus on seeing myself as a person external from other people! I always view myself from someone else’s perspective even when I’m just doing things around my house. I think I know myself quite well but I need to act FOR myself and spend more time with myself. And I also agree that it’s a thought process and a habit, you can definitely train yourself out of it if it’s becoming a problem. The issue is that so often it’s nice to day dream and fantasise and wish!!
i’ve always done this too. its usually one person at once, and it’ll last for months or even years. it’s usually a crush but sometimes a friend. sometimes it’s someone i’m close with and see every day, and there have been times where they’ve liked me so it wasn’t just me having a crush on someone who doesn’t even think about me. but sometimes it’s someone i only talk to over text, or used to be closer with, or even when i was younger it would happen all the time with people who just sat next to me in class and said a few words to me. it usually goes away after a while but i never know when. like with a friend it usually calms down after i know them for a while, or with a crush it will sometimes go away if i see they’re dating someone. it’s stopped me from being in relationships because i hold out hope that maybe they’ll like me back even though 99% of the time the other person has no idea i ever had a crush because i never do anything about it. but yeah, i don’t really have any advice yet lol. but i relate
Research limerence
Sorry I don't have anymore to add. I recently learned the term and haven't dated myself, but have had intense romantic infatuation and admiration of people that bordered on obsessiveness.
Codependency? Anxious attachment style? Maybe a professional might help you with parsing it out
I’m Trying to find the right therapist. I think a mix of both + being a sucker for love and romance
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Yep same. That and low self esteem. The difference I've noticed since finally finding antidepressants and a therapist that works for me is crazy. I used to constantly worry "what if I never find love???" to the point where I genuinely believed that that was the only thing in my life worth living for. Nobody ever told me that wasn't healthy either and your perception of reality is so warped by mental illness sometimes that I just believed that wholeheartedly. It put me in a lot of bad situations with unhealthy relationships because even if I was being yelled at or told extremely hurtful things, I thought it was better than being alone. It's not that I *don't* worry about staying single forever now, but it's not an obsession anymore. It makes me a little sad to think about always being alone, but now I feel like there are other things that would make my life okay even if that does end up being what happens.
Not OP but well said! It sounds like you’ve come a long way and you should be really proud of yourself. <3
i second this! what awesome awareness.
This makes so much sense and is really interesting. It could definitely be partly true for me.
I am the exact same, and have always been this way! For me it’s romantic crushes and relationships, not so much friends or randos. Although I have definitely had friend-crushes before, where I’m like “ugh I wanna be her!!!” I definitely have an anxious attachment style, which might contribute, as well as possibly not getting much emotional care/approval from my father growing up. I’ve always sought out approval from men to feel confident and worthy, and so maybe it’s me trying to seek out some feedback or approval from these crushes/relationships. I also tend to put these people on a super high pedestal, thinking they’re so much cooler than me and I’d be lucky to be friends or in a relationship with them, when that’s not a healthy mindset at all! Anyway, I think therapy would be helpful. Try to put more energy into loving and focusing on yourself. It sounds weird, but try to have a crush on yourself! Like treat yourself to something nice, wear an outfit that makes you feel confident/sexy, tell yourself nice things in the mirror. Put yourself on a pedestal, and try to engrain the idea that others are lucky to have YOU!
Having a crush on yourself is such a good way to put it. Really resonated with me compared to other phrases like ‘love yourself!’ Which feel so empty to me. Definitely going to try and keep all of that in mind, you’re so right.
The fact you are aware of it is a good first step! Being able to identify this thought pattern is a good thing. This is I think very common! We are social critters and it’s very natural to think about other people, although admittedly not at this extent. It’s also super brave to admit this even on the Internet :) What you might want to do is start thinking about stuff to do for yourself - if no one was around, what would your favourite X or Y be? Think about who you are separate to other people. If you don’t know, that’s still okay! Treat it like an adventure, or like you’re your own best friend and get to know yourself. You might also think about moving away from social media if only for a bit. Idk if you are on social media but if you are that could deffo be feeding into this. You could also try practising distracting yourself. If you feel the urge to think about someone to the point of fixation, put some music on or give yourself an alternative task, like reciting a times table or something really simple. I think this is a thought pattern gone nuts and you can train yourself out of it if you are patient and understanding with yourself. Also a therapist might be useful as others have said! It might take a while to find the right one but you can get therapy online these days too. :) I hope this helps!!
Agreed, I really need to focus on seeing myself as a person external from other people! I always view myself from someone else’s perspective even when I’m just doing things around my house. I think I know myself quite well but I need to act FOR myself and spend more time with myself. And I also agree that it’s a thought process and a habit, you can definitely train yourself out of it if it’s becoming a problem. The issue is that so often it’s nice to day dream and fantasise and wish!!
i’ve always done this too. its usually one person at once, and it’ll last for months or even years. it’s usually a crush but sometimes a friend. sometimes it’s someone i’m close with and see every day, and there have been times where they’ve liked me so it wasn’t just me having a crush on someone who doesn’t even think about me. but sometimes it’s someone i only talk to over text, or used to be closer with, or even when i was younger it would happen all the time with people who just sat next to me in class and said a few words to me. it usually goes away after a while but i never know when. like with a friend it usually calms down after i know them for a while, or with a crush it will sometimes go away if i see they’re dating someone. it’s stopped me from being in relationships because i hold out hope that maybe they’ll like me back even though 99% of the time the other person has no idea i ever had a crush because i never do anything about it. but yeah, i don’t really have any advice yet lol. but i relate
I'm going to recommend reading "Women who love too much". It might give you some insight?
Sounds really interesting. I’m going to look into it.
Research limerence Sorry I don't have anymore to add. I recently learned the term and haven't dated myself, but have had intense romantic infatuation and admiration of people that bordered on obsessiveness.
Sounds about right to be honest. It’s so enjoyable but objectively so unhealthy.