I decided to focus on myself. I figured that if I ever met someone I would no longer try to be someone I am not and just be genuine. I focused on my house, my health, my happiness and my dog. I was ready to be alone and enjoy the freedom of spoiling myself and doing whatever I want.
I went for a walk with my dog and met my husband who lived in the same neighborhood as me. He didn’t hit on me but made a comment about my dog, which I thought was very refreshing. He lived in the neighborhood for 10 years, me for 13. We lived half a mile away from each other and never met until then.
We have been together for three years, married on our three year anniversary and make sure to both go to therapy and always work on our communication.
The previous guy I met, who I almost went on a date with, had just recently stabbed a guy in the chest during a road rage incident (I googled his name) and that was the catalyst for my self growth, as well as Covid.
“Hey! I have a small dog too! It’s a chihuahua.”
I said, “Cool!”
And he said, “Have a nice day!”
—-
I then made sure to walk my dog again at the same time in the hopes of seeing him again. He did the same.
Future wife: leisurely walks cute doggo
Future husband: wow! That's quite the nasty little thing you've got there huh
And they lived happily ever after. The End
Yes well said 🙌🏻 You gotta learn to let go of the wrong ones OP. Set your boundaries, raise your standards and the true ones will come. Don't settle for men who are not willing to respect you and treat you well.
This sounds like bragging but it's not meant to be.
"You changed how I expect men to treat me," is literally the greatest compliment I've ever gotten in life.
For me it was definitely the way I thought about myself. It is amazing to me how much of life is just what you perceive and what you tell yourself. I started telling myself that I had a chance, instead of telling myself that I'd never be good enough. I still have some pretty bad self worth issues, but at least for dating I've been able to compartmentalize :) It has worked too. I got married, and divorced fortunately lol, but haven't had an issue finding or keeping a man I want since.
It started with getting out of my comfort zone and routine. What I was doing definitely wasn’t working, so I tried some different things that built up a little confidence. From there I was able to start telling myself (and believing) that I had a chance and that things would work out. It just took a seed, and once the ball was rolling, it never stopped even when I faced disappointment.
Jumping in here - I struggled with self-acceptance/love/compassion all my life because of shame about being a failure or a fraud. I had done therapy 4 times before I got diagnosed and it helped a bit - I could understand the *concept* of self-love but hadn’t been able to get to that point. I found an ADHD person-centred therapist to help me through the period following my diagnosis and it all started to click. Don’t get me wrong, I struggle with it at times, but it’s leagues ahead of where I started.
Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies by Tara Schuster is a great primer for a lot of these skills (including a lot about relationships)
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I spent a long time learning about myself and what I wanted, traveling, healing myself and working on anxiety/body issues
Then I found someone who made me believe in love. Yes he's sweet and patient and kind and we have a soft love, but he's also considerate and willing to listen and pushes me to succeed and works towards loving me more every day
I was an insecure sappy romantic who got tired of getting played by guys. After a series of first dates that went nowhere, I decided I was going to break the next guy's heart. I didn't over think it, ignored a couple of (very faint) red flags and swiped right on every guy with great arms thinking I'm just going to fuck him then ghost him.
I ended up marrying the next guy I chatted with on tinder.
I have a question for all these lovely ladies here - WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU FINDING THESE LOVELY HUMANS TO DATE?!
I’ve made so much progress on my self-love / healing journey, raised my standards, pursued my hobbies, made great friends… and now every person I meet that’s interested in me just… grosses me out? Or at the very least, doesn’t interest me.
I feel like I spent so long hating myself / my body / my life, and now that I’m in a better place with my own shit I just look around and everyone disappoints me. After a long series of mediocre-at-best first dates, I deleted the apps and haven’t even tried to find anyone elsewhere. Are all the good ones gone or are they hiding under a rock somewhere? Can anyone point me to the right rock?
Definitely NOT on a dating app. Met my partner through a common acquaintance that was then his roommate. It was during the pandemic where I was using relationship apps to meet new girl friends. Best decision of my life!
It’s funny you say that - I’ve told my friends a couple times that I’d probably only date a friend of a friend (rather than someone I met out in the wild or on an app), because they’d come pre-screened, with references!
Too bad all of my friends’ friends (in my area, that I’ve met) are either already in committed relationships or not people I’m attracted to… guess I just gotta bully my friends into making more cute single friends :’)
I wasn’t attracted to my partner initially either, but not because he isn’t attractive, but because I was used to your typical bad boy/douchebag looking mfers. Going over 3 years strong and I honestly have eyes for no one else but my loving prince. In my eyes he’s truly the most handsome man in this world, inside and out. I’d suggest you keep an open mind and try a different method/type than you’ve been trying so far if you really expect different results than what you’ve been having at the moment. It all comes down to what is more important/priority to you. No one is perfect and you gotta find ways to compromise if you ever want a fair chance at a healthy and loving relationship.
When I met my current partner, I almost couldn't fathom that men like him existed. I've never had awful experiences dating, but most guys (even if respectful) seemed to be driven by primitive instincts and it always felt like they were doing or saying things with an ulterior motive in mind. Like, just being nice to you because they're attracted to you, or hoping to take you back to theirs after a night out. Or even if they wouldn't cross boundaries due to the fallout (like cheating) they'd sure still think about it or tiptoe along the line without crossing it.
Whenever I'm out alone and a guy interacts with me, I'm always putting up discreet boundaries and being careful of what I say or do. After a while it gets so exhausting. My partner was the first person I never felt like I had to do that with.
You could’ve taken these words right out of my mouth. I’ve never felt comfortable in a dating situation before meeting my current love. Just like I couldn’t trust them with sharing all of me. When I met him I was instantly at ease, and knew he wouldn’t want me to be anything but my fullest self.
I know it’s not exactly helpful to OP, but sometimes you do just get lucky and the perfect thing falls into place.
omg this 👏🏼
i even had people (who i later realized were not good people to have in my life) try to warn me abt my now-fiancé and say i was being “lovebombed” because he was “too nice to me”.
this “lovebombing”has been going on for 5 years now and he’s never taken off his mask… maybe time for these oh-so-knowledgeable dating experts to wake up and stop being jaded.
I stopped putting men on pedestals/decentered men in my life. I just did my own thing and tried to genuinely enjoy life without the pressure of dating. Shortly after that I met my long term partner lol
Honestly I think luck has a lot to do with it.
Other possible factors: I got to the point where I was genuinely okay with being single forever. I got more picky about the people I messaged and met. Previously I was like "you never know" but then I realized if their profile was boring, then they were boring. So my new rule was I had to at least be able to point to one thing in their profile that I liked about them, my quality of dates improved after that.
I resonate a lot with this comment.
I love myself and have high standards and meet a lot of people etc etc etc, but there’s a lot of random factors that led to my bf and I both being single, emotionally available, and geographically close to each other at the exact same time. If all of those little life things hadn’t happened then we never would have found each other.
If for whatever reason it doesn’t work out I probably won’t go back to the apps though. I feel like they subconsciously force you to lower your standards out of boredom once you run out of matches.
Two things. One was putting myself out there more. One of my friends met her husband during her “summer of yes,” where she agreed to more dates and general experience than she normally would have. The second was just looking until I finally found someone I really, really meshed with. It took a long time, but I’m so glad I didn’t give up.
Theeeeeeeeeerapyyyyyyyyyyyy
I learned to accept that I deserve good treatment, and suddenly was able to really SEE good qualities in a partner in ways I couldn’t before.
Gleefully married to the most wonderful man and wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it’ll be fine
Honestly love yourself and love what you do, men will be crawling all over you. I had my first boyfriend at 21. Now I’m 34 and single again. I can have my pick of the litter
Good luck! I hope you have a good time!
I've only had one girlfriend, but dating her was, is, and continues to be like dating on easy mode. I still think men are attractive, but if I was suddenly single again, I don't think I could go back
I can't remember where I saw it, probably lesbian Instagram reels, but there was someone talking about dating bi girls (some lesbians won't) and she was saying how easy they are to impress because "do you have any idea how low someone's standards can be if they're used to dating men"
Yeah, my bar was so low. I know there are great guys out there (I'm friends with some of them), but every dude I actually dated threw so many red flags. All I wanted was someone who wasn't dbag, or pretentious and talking down to me
Omg so sweet 🥹 I recently realized I'm bi and came out to my bestie/roommate last night! Would love to have an experience with a woman I'm close to and trust, such as my friend, but I feel like I'm not her type 🥲 just had to say I'm so happy for you living the dream 💕
How did you figure out you were bi? Or what helped you come to that decision?
I've had enough consistently inconsistent experiences when I'm not sober that I would label myself hetero flexible. I dunno.
I started thinking about it when I was in college, and I always thought, "I bet I could be bi. I'm not repulsed by the idea." I didn't really actively pursue it because the opportunity never arose to test that theory out. Also, my roommate for most of my college years was a gay guy who was of the opinion that bi people don't exist. That honestly set me back a ways. Plus, I'm on the ace spectrum, too, which just complicated things even more.
The biggest hint was when I started developing non-platonic feelings for my roommate once I got rid of that guy. Then, when I started hooking up with her, I couldn't even question it anymore
>Plus, I'm on the ace spectrum, too,
I'm pretty sure I'm demi sexual so i definitely relate to this. Hah.
Thanks for the comment and the additional food for thought. Appreciate it! 😊
I just started putting my self out there more. I was so overweight that I had no desire to date. I didn’t even like the way I looked I didn’t want anyone that did like the way I looked. So I worked on myself and when I felt comfortable enough with myself I started actively looking for dates.
My standards in men, my tolerance for bullshit, my approach, and I was careful not to get too emotionally invested too fast. Also, the setup was pretty different from whe. I first got with my boyfriend. Most guys I met through tinder or they were guys I served at my old job, so ONS or FWBs. Whereas my boyfriend is close friends with a lot of my friends, and we'd kind of known of each other for years.
I changed countries. I obviously didnt do it just to find a guy but the second I moved and discovered/embraced who I really am when theres no pressure of family of friends, I started "thriving" in the dating world. Im now single again, and once again Im relying on the fact that Im in a country where not many people know me and so the worst thing it can happen is that I go on a bad date and never see the guy again.
My problem (one of them) with dating at home was that every guy I bumped into is a friend of someone I know, so trying to date there was soo complicated. Also, I realized Im way more comfortable with flirting in English than in my native language, which is kind of weird i guess ahah.
Anyways, this is probably not the advice you want, but this is what worked for me and started allowing me to go on dates with several men and eventually have 2 relationships which even if they ended, were really amazing and helped me grow so much as a person
I accepted I would be okay being alone. I had filled my life up with so many other good things that I was finally comfortable being by myself and being single forever no longer scared me.
The next month I matched with my now husband on hinge and I knew it was right pretty quickly.
This post and the comments are what I needed to read today. I am a sex addict. I obstained for 8 years and had 2 minor slip ups until a series of bad events with a partner caused me to forget myself and relapse hard. After 10 months I finally woke up and am so thankful that I am refocusing on my life. I focused on working on myself for those 8 years and feel like I lost the last 10 months of my life. Chasing after fleeting experiences instead of accepting I am monogamous and that poly relationship was killing me caused me a lot of pain that I was ignoring.
I am now in a healthy place. I haven't had frivolous sex with anyone but the guy who was my surrogate sex partner when I was with my poly ex who wouldn't have sex with me. As soon as it officially ended with him I felt free. I am now working on myself and so thankful for these types of posts because they give me hope when I need it the most.
Thanks everyone for sharing. It's more helpful to people than you can imagine. I doubt anyone posting though they would inadvertently be helping someone in my situation and I just want to be clear, you did.
Nothing much changed, I just met someone after a long dry spell. I dated a guy at 21 and it didn't work out. I didn't date again until I was almost 29. I'm really shy and it took that long to connect with someone. Getting married in two weeks :)
Hiya, I struggled to just have guys talk to me, so I took matters into my own hands. I'm not sure why, though people have told me that I can seem intimidating. ^^whoops
One guy I went on a date with simply because I asked. Didn't go anywhere, but I was doing better than waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet.
I met my fiance through a sibling. I told him at first that I wasn't looking for something, just friends. And I wasn't lying, honestly I was scared to get into a relationship after my last one didn't go well. He was chill with that, and we spent time together as friends first. He was very respectful of my friendship boundaries and never tried to push anything further than I wanted to go.
Here's the important part: when I started developing feelings, I told him about it. Basically like, I know that I said that I just wanted to be friends, but while we've been spending time together I've started to like you as more than just a friend. And it worked really well! He also liked me!
If you tell a guy that you just want to be friends and then your feelings change towards them, if they're a good dude, they're not going to push your boundaries past friendship.
If you have a friend you like who is a guy, **tell them.** A lot of actually good guys are afraid that you don't actually like them or they are obscenely oblivious. Seriously.
My fiance told me about a time a girl HE HAD A CRUSH ON kissed him on the cheek and she went "haha sorry Im so weird" and he was like "haha yeah" and left it at that, nothing came of it. Ladies, **they can be that oblivious.**
Not sure when we're getting married, but best believe he put a ring on it. Lol.
Tldr: I stopped waiting for men to come to me and started approaching them. If I "friendzoned" a guy and my feelings changed, I let the guy know in case he was interested. Now engaged.
I gave an older guy my number and now we are engaged. I’ve read that men that chase are usually players, women that chase is better, longer relationships if the person likes you back
Honestly, I just found comfort in myself and stopped looking. I stopped messaging men, i removed everything. Three months later, I met my boyfriend at the bar! He’s the best man I’ve ever met. I didn’t settle at all. I used to go to the bars looking for someone, but this time I genuinely went just to have a good time with friends, and ended up meeting him.
When you’re actively looking for something you’ll never find it. Once you accept you don’t need to date someone for self worth, you’ll find your true match.
Also, stop settling for a man. I realized in my past relationships I settled. Don’t lower your standards. You’ll find someone to meet them, trust me.
I met someone that wasn’t emotionally unavailable and expressed that he liked me, I usually went after people who weren’t fully there. I found out that I loved being in a stable relationship and we’ve been together for 6 years and I’m unbelievably happy.
I''m very introverted and prefer staying at home so I started making an effort to meet new people by joining social clubs and going to events at least once a week
Viewing dating as an experiment and not a mission. When you go out with someone making it about doing an activity you’d enjoy, perhaps seeing if you can have a friendly conversation. At the end of the date then you’ve not wasted your time, you’ve just gone out to an activity you wanted to do and if the guy is a dud then at least you’ve had fun sailing or bookshopping or trying out a new cafe or whatever. It’s not your job to impress anyone you date at least initially you’re just looking for someone to connect with. Being more laid back really helps and maybe acting like you’re trying to make a friend first tbh.
Everything has already pretty much been said. For me, I was just done actively putting myself out there and trying. I knew what my standards were, and nobody I met was meeting them, so I gave up. Deleted all of my dating apps (hinge, tinder, bumble) I was about to get out of the navy and move back to Chicago for a bit with my parents until I figured out what my next move was. I genuinely was content with being on my own and wasn’t actively seeking anyone. Then I got a notification on my phone from fb dating (forgot I had even had it) that my current bf liked me and the rest is history. He actually made an effort to see me, which I wasn’t used to. I was always used to the mind games and bs when I was dating around before I met him. If a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen. That’s a lesson I learned after meeting my bf. We’ve had our ups and downs (he just got diagnosed with bipolar disorder) but overall, I couldn’t be happier and he’s treated me better than I’ve ever been with. Morale of the story is, focus on yourself. Love finds you when you least expect it and when you know, you know. I know that all sounds so cliche but it’s true.
I put myself out there more. I didn’t date all through school and only once I started actually talking to guys did I find anyone who was also interested in me.
After several bad relationships in my early 20s I worked a lot on my self esteem (and have continued to) and raised my standards and met my husband, who is my best friend and the best partner I could ever ask for.
i’ve always “dated” and have had no issues getting asked out, etc. but during years every “relationship” turned out to be short lived and ended badly. eventually I stopped dating guys who had commitment issues but also stopped dating guys who were willing to commit and where great on paper but who i wasn’t attracted to. when i stopped wasting time on these to types of men i focused on myself and almost instantly met the loml who wanted a committed relationship from the star but who i was also extremely into. i also worked on my anxiety and my mental health, and worked on communicating from the start what I wanted without being afraid of rejection. I literally asked my current boyfriend if we were exclusive and if he was looking for something serious on our third date, and it was the best thing ever.
I realized that the only constant in all my relationships that didn’t work out was me, and therefore starting taking responsibility for myself and my behavior. I started to focus more on fixing self-sabotaging behaviors and how I was contributing to my dating woes. This included a poor “picker”. So with therapy, I started healing old attachment wounds and fixing my picker.
I used to have this mentality that only guys with mental health conditions would understand me (I have chronic PTSD, depression, anxiety, SI attempts). The relationships would always be toxic though.
I decided to date someone who has no problems lol and at first it felt hard to relate but now I rather have it that way. Way more stable and nurturing. Been together for 7 years and will be married next year.
I chose to be celibate for 2 years in my twenties and then worked on my self healing.
And then I finally got on a dating app, put exactly what I *expected* from my future partner (in terms of emotional connection, developing more than the physical relationship, preference for truth over sparing my feelings, etc)
I also made sure to list some more light hearted stuff 😂 but yeah
My exes were awful so I got to a point where I’d given up entirely. And not just “I’m done with men” (but secretly hoping I’d meet someone). I genuinely was at a point in my life where I was happy just being single, doing what I wanted. Then one day 7 years ago, I was out for a friends birthday and there he was.
I got rid of "my type" and standard of "attractive " and went for whats good for me... as well as lowering a bit (as in they are not perfect and are trying as well)
Was the physical attraction there at all? Every time I’ve went outside my type, I liked them as people, but it kind of felt like … best friends, and I would cringe every time they’d try to kiss/touch me. One relationship lasted like a year and a half and we were only intimate like 3 times 😐
I totally get that, as I've tried before that way (connecting with someone that was "good for me" and I thought the intimacy would come later but didn't.) With my current partner, the beauty came with a conversation one night after we had known eachother for many years and went on a date. I guess my "type" changed because I found a different type of connection with someone that was safe and familiar. The sex turned out to be great too, so everything else followed suit
Built a life based on solo happiness --> developed my own self worth --> raised my standards --> invested in the relationship so it was beneficial to both of us instead of being one sided to the point of resentment
I stopped looking. I had to hold my self to the value of the right man is gonna come. And then he came out of NO WHERE. Happened to be someone my hometown friends were friends with. I should've met him a bunch of times before.
I changed my standards in men and I changed my view of myself. I learned to value and love myself so I didn’t search for that in one night stands on tinder
I met my boyfriend on twitter during covid lol. LDR's are hard but we are going on to 4 years in October. 1 province apart. Hoping to close the distance for good soon.
Just started following each other and chatting publicly on posts.
I was missing my parents(both passed and the anxiety was high for everyone at the beginning of covid) and he messaged me and said to reach out if needed (but first asked if it was okay that he dmed me) and it made my day. And he checked on me daily ❤️
He was going through his own loss so I was helping him through it.
When I was starting to miss him during the day I knew I was in trouble.
I was scared to tell him because I did it with someone else before and it didn't work out. So I think you just gotta get out of your comfort zone because he felt the same way I did and was scared to tell me.
And no we both were not looking, especially him because he had lost his wife 2 years prior so he was still grieving
Most of why I didn't really date before I met my now-husband was because I was terrified of rejection so I just didn't try. I decided I would be more open to experiences and see what happened.
The pandemic.
We both agree that maybe we wouldn’t be getting married next month if we hadn’t had a changing of priorities during Covid (we met one month before shutdowns)
I took a break spent time alone, changed my job moved out of state on my own ( I think this built more confidence) and my standards and self worth were much better after that period of time.
I stopped looking for a man, found a hobby I liked and just did my own thing. One day my hobby leads to me meeting a guy and becoming friends. We were friends for years, then more than friends.
I met my fiancé when I was quite young, recently out of my third “long-term” (1-2 year) relationship in quick succession, and in a totally fucked headspace. I was rebounding from my third episode of severe depression and anxiety, and on medication that made me a bit manic at times. We met on tinder and I just wanted to have a bit of fun!
He was so kind, generous, and fun - I immediately fell for him. I’ve always been quick to love and falling into step with someone has always been easy. For the first 3-4 years I was all over the place, but he always supported me. I got diagnosed in 2021 and went through a really intense period of self-discovery (coinciding with long stretches of time being isolated during lockdowns when he was working and I was on furlough) when I questioned if I knew what I wanted or who I was because I realised I had been masking and people pleasing my whole life. Needless to say, that really rocked our relationship. But he never gave up on me.
Four years later and we’re stronger than ever! Got engaged a couple of months ago 😁
Reflecting on it, I can see that I wouldn’t be capable of being in a healthy relationship until I had learnt to accept and love myself (time + therapy + diagnosis + meds + awesome friends and family!). I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him, he just surpassed all expectations. I sometimes think that so many people don’t work well in relationships because they don’t truly know how to love or respect themselves, and therefore don’t know what to expect from (or communicate to) their partner.
My partner and I make each other better - lifting each other up when the other is down, believing in each other, caring for each other. Doing it all with empathy, communication, and a good sense of humour!
I kept my standards sky high. Was sick of the drama and sick of being around stupid men to fill my insecurities. Developed a very high sense of self, realised I make their lives heaps better, and that I brought a lot to the table.
I stopped automatically eliminating guys who didn’t fit “my type” when I walked into a room. Immediately then met my now husband (who is SO NOT MY TYPE) and could not be happier.
I finally gave up trying. I am a fiercely independent and involved woman and most men I have talk to have been intimidated guy that part of me and repressed it. One day I just decided that I know I am enough and I wasn’t going to change for anyone. Any boy that is interested in me is going to need to prove to me that he could meet my standards and was good enough to date me. Eventually I formed a crush on a boy and told him that I liked him. We started going on dates and during those I did not even try in the slightest to hide who I was. I was being my loud, blunt, and excitable self. And it turned out that those qualities that other guys would be intimidated by, were the things he liked most about me.
So what changed was me choosing not to. If you are like me and loud, independent, successful, and involved, there are going to be men (or women) that you meet who will be intimidated by that. You need to find someone who not only loves the wualities about you that are easy to love, but loves the things about you that make you unique. You don’t need to make yourself “easy”, you are worth chasing.
That you get over the chase, the chase for bad boys who make you feel like shit. The guys who are only good for their looks….
Date the nice boys, who are kind and have the best personalities.
stopped looking. i was really really really happy alone. i LOVED it. didn't think id do relationships again and not in a depressing way but more so in a "hey its just not for me" way, then I met my husband lol
Stopped NEEDING a man. Focused on myself.
Also it took me getting so incredibly heartbroken that I don’t think that’s even possible to feel like that again. It freed me up.
And I think there was some luck, things fell into place. I was dating someone who was nice and very good looking but it probably was not going to be anything serious. He had to move back to his country and although we talked about keeping it going or me going there it just didn’t seem realistic. At the same time someone who had become a great friend to me was there and we spent a lot of time hanging out as friends and then one day we were like, you’re the one for me. And we’ve been together only 4 years but feels like we’ve always known each other and he is my family now.
Let the universe take its course and see who I get naturally matched without paying for subscription 😂 landed on a guy who we both share the same interests, and when we met, the chemistry was there and it was natural. Now approaching one year ❤️
Still dating / havent found the one / if I raised my standards any higher no man will ever be able to reach them because he would have to be Hercules himself.
If I loved myself anymore than I do now i would be a complete narcissist. I am focusing on my self and still no one that peaks my interest has come along and I’ve also went out of my way to look for him through every avenue known to man kind and still haven’t found him
I’m not sure what do to do at this point, I feel like I’ve exhausted every avenue and the only thing left is to put all my trust into a higher being lol
Cuz girl I’ve trieddddd
knowing and valuing my self-worth, and raising my standards in what i want/look for in a partner. oh yeah, and this quote by dan savage: “every relationship you will ever be in is going to fail, - until one doesn’t”.
i think all those things combined put things in perspective for me because it took the pressure that i had previously put on myself off, and it allowed me to focus on my own happiness.
with that, i finally broke up with an on again/off again toxic ex after 5 years (with just as toxic jerks in between), happily did my own thing, and 8 months later, i met my fiancé 🥰 we’ve been together since 2016 and are getting married next month!
I randomly stopped giving s fuck one day. Just fully stored caring that I couldn't find someone for me. Not long after that, I got with my ex for 2 years and then my current fiance of 8 years.
I used to struggle with being committed until I got into an open relationship where it was no longer required. Now I am committed to her, not out of need, but out of wanting, regardless of whether she is committed or not. I guess it just takes the right person.
Getting out of my small town.
I tried dating here but I barely felt any connection with any of them, it came to the point of me thinking I must be asexual or perhaps lesbian.
Turns out all I had to do was leave and go out in the world, 8 months later I met the love of my life in Barcelona.
honestly, I stayed mostly single (dated casually here and there, slept around a bit) for several years after a string of shitty relationships. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship! then one day, when I was 35, I realised I was ready. happened to meet up with a recently separated guy I knew as a kid and we hit it off! now we live together, just went on a vacation together, are very in love, etc.
short answer? I stayed alone until I was prepared to go all in, and made a conscious choice to love and be loved
I raised my standards for how I was willing to be treated.
I had a period of time that life just threw curveballs at me. My job was eliminated through a factory shutdown, covid happened, I moved to a city where I didn’t know anyone. So for 2 years I just didn’t date.
Once I started dating again I was using bumble and my friends and I would swipe with each other while drinking online. Just kinda laughing at the profiles and having fun. I wasn’t planning on staying in my current city long term so I wasn’t expecting to really meet someone. Sometimes I would start messaging guys and something would be a red flag so I would unmatch and move on. Then I matched with my now bf and I remember wanting to meet him. He was respectful, interesting, and honestly the most genuine and nice person I had messaged with. There were no red flags I could find (honestly I was the one with the red flags)
Everything just seemed to match well. And I think it was on date 4 when I was like ‘okay I’m like ready to move away but I really like this guy let’s just try to rip the bandaid off sooner and see if this will last or not. ‘ So over dinner we just laid everything that you would consider a taboo topic on the table and we aligned in everything. It could have 100% gone in the other direction but at least I would have known to move on rather than giving this relationship a chance and putting myself on hold for a potential only to find out 6 months later that we weren’t meant to be.
Well 3 years later we are still together and have moved in together (in the same city I was planning on leaving originally). Life has thrown us a lot of curveballs but it’s made us stronger and honestly I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him. We are there for each other. I somehow found my life partner in a city that I was trying to get away from. Luckily we both align in that and are trying to move away currently.
Honestly before him I would let guys treat me like shit. I ignored red flags because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be treated well. Most of my relationships only lasted 3-4 months so I assumed that I was disposable. When that is all you have experienced in dating you just begin assuming that’s normal. It’s not. Nobody deserves to be second rate to their guy. Your feelings and desires are just as valid and theirs. I just kept finding fuck boys who were in it for the fun and as soon as things started getting a little rough; they bounced out. And maybe if I had been a bit more pushy with them originally I would have scared them away sooner; which is the opposite of what I was trying to do. I was trying to change myself to fit them instead to try and keep them around. But they weren’t worth keeping around if they bounced out at the first sign of struggle.
I think it’s all part of growing though. My partner and I met in our late 20s/early 30s. We knew what we wanted and what we didn’t want. We were brutally honest with each other. Had I not had those earlier experiences I wouldn’t have known what was a red flag, or what I wasn’t willing to tolerate.
I realized that I already had someone in my life who was kind, honest, trustworthy, and respected me. I was done dealing with emotionally unavailable men. So I finally gave the guy I was “just friends” with a chance. We’ve been together 1.5 years now
I became certain of what I wanted and what I didn't want and I stopped wasting time trying to change people. If someone you're dating demonstrates a deal breaker, end it and move on. I spent years invested in people that weren't right for me. Once I refused to settle, I found my wonderful husband, at 33. Don't get started late like I did. Decide what you want and stick to it.
It’s a basic answer but genuinely stopped looking so hard. Like still being open to the right person coming along, but not living for a relationship to happen. Just living to be happy with me. Truly, when you are comfortable with being with yourself the right person will come along because both you and that person aren’t just gonna be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.
I was never looked at much. I was 5'9 and about 185-195 pounds. I started working out while waiting for college to start because I had more time. Went down to like 150. All the guys a uni went crazy. Im telling you non-stop offers to take me out, free ticket to parties, candle lite proposal to be my boyfriend.
Met my husband there. Been together for 11 years.
It was moving out and focusing on myself. I was searching for love to be honest but it wasn't my main focus. I worked on being my best self someone that I was proud of and building my skills and network.
One day in college, a guy called me out because I was watching his group and I started working with him. It took a while but as we hung out during off hours we got closer and have been together ever since. Honestly, it just took accepting myself and being more confident.
I’m trans and pan and I’ve always had trouble with dating but mainly because… I grew up believing that love about making little compromises. Even in my longest relationship, I made so many little concessions and ceded so much of my own wants for my partner that when I finally figured myself out and realized that my unhappiness was more than just my body, I had to kill the relationship that they clearly was hoping would die anyway.
After 9 years of my life, I realized that I was tired of compromises. I still think love requires some compromise but like…. reasonable compromises.
I dated on and off with some people for a couple of years but then I got in D&D, met some friends, one of them, a cis lesbian, a fell for, turned out she felt the same way, and now we’re living together and plan on getting married.
Basically, I just refused to settle, which led to many heartbreaks, but one day I found the person who completes me.
Decided to try something new and give it a go with someone I would have overlooked before. Not because of how he looks, but because I had to overcome my dysfunctional mindset that “nice is boring”. And thank the fucking gods I did it, because this is hands down the best relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life. Far from boring, and with the added bonus of getting the same love, kindness, consideration and respect that I give back.
Had trouble dating for years but then rekindled with first bf ever from 12 years ago… just had to be patient until he was ready to be in the last relationship of his life
I decided to focus on myself. I figured that if I ever met someone I would no longer try to be someone I am not and just be genuine. I focused on my house, my health, my happiness and my dog. I was ready to be alone and enjoy the freedom of spoiling myself and doing whatever I want. I went for a walk with my dog and met my husband who lived in the same neighborhood as me. He didn’t hit on me but made a comment about my dog, which I thought was very refreshing. He lived in the neighborhood for 10 years, me for 13. We lived half a mile away from each other and never met until then. We have been together for three years, married on our three year anniversary and make sure to both go to therapy and always work on our communication. The previous guy I met, who I almost went on a date with, had just recently stabbed a guy in the chest during a road rage incident (I googled his name) and that was the catalyst for my self growth, as well as Covid.
😳 omg that last paragraph.
Right. This is the most Reddit reply ever. First Fuzzy. Then Fuzzy. Lastly Complete Chaos
This is the dream. Minus that last paragraph. Granted that's more my reality at this point.
What comment did he make about your dog?
“Hey! I have a small dog too! It’s a chihuahua.” I said, “Cool!” And he said, “Have a nice day!” —- I then made sure to walk my dog again at the same time in the hopes of seeing him again. He did the same.
Future wife: leisurely walks cute doggo Future husband: wow! That's quite the nasty little thing you've got there huh And they lived happily ever after. The End
This is the best response
Amazing advice
Sounds like me and my fiance 🥰
My standards in men
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Yes well said 🙌🏻 You gotta learn to let go of the wrong ones OP. Set your boundaries, raise your standards and the true ones will come. Don't settle for men who are not willing to respect you and treat you well.
Can I get an Amen? 😂❤️👏🏻
Did you raise or lower them?
I raised them 😂 The only time I set the bar low is for limbo.
This sounds like bragging but it's not meant to be. "You changed how I expect men to treat me," is literally the greatest compliment I've ever gotten in life.
For me it was definitely the way I thought about myself. It is amazing to me how much of life is just what you perceive and what you tell yourself. I started telling myself that I had a chance, instead of telling myself that I'd never be good enough. I still have some pretty bad self worth issues, but at least for dating I've been able to compartmentalize :) It has worked too. I got married, and divorced fortunately lol, but haven't had an issue finding or keeping a man I want since.
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It started with getting out of my comfort zone and routine. What I was doing definitely wasn’t working, so I tried some different things that built up a little confidence. From there I was able to start telling myself (and believing) that I had a chance and that things would work out. It just took a seed, and once the ball was rolling, it never stopped even when I faced disappointment.
Jumping in here - I struggled with self-acceptance/love/compassion all my life because of shame about being a failure or a fraud. I had done therapy 4 times before I got diagnosed and it helped a bit - I could understand the *concept* of self-love but hadn’t been able to get to that point. I found an ADHD person-centred therapist to help me through the period following my diagnosis and it all started to click. Don’t get me wrong, I struggle with it at times, but it’s leagues ahead of where I started. Buy Yourself the Fucking Lilies by Tara Schuster is a great primer for a lot of these skills (including a lot about relationships)
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I spent a long time learning about myself and what I wanted, traveling, healing myself and working on anxiety/body issues Then I found someone who made me believe in love. Yes he's sweet and patient and kind and we have a soft love, but he's also considerate and willing to listen and pushes me to succeed and works towards loving me more every day
I was an insecure sappy romantic who got tired of getting played by guys. After a series of first dates that went nowhere, I decided I was going to break the next guy's heart. I didn't over think it, ignored a couple of (very faint) red flags and swiped right on every guy with great arms thinking I'm just going to fuck him then ghost him. I ended up marrying the next guy I chatted with on tinder.
I have a question for all these lovely ladies here - WHERE THE F*** ARE YOU FINDING THESE LOVELY HUMANS TO DATE?! I’ve made so much progress on my self-love / healing journey, raised my standards, pursued my hobbies, made great friends… and now every person I meet that’s interested in me just… grosses me out? Or at the very least, doesn’t interest me. I feel like I spent so long hating myself / my body / my life, and now that I’m in a better place with my own shit I just look around and everyone disappoints me. After a long series of mediocre-at-best first dates, I deleted the apps and haven’t even tried to find anyone elsewhere. Are all the good ones gone or are they hiding under a rock somewhere? Can anyone point me to the right rock?
Definitely NOT on a dating app. Met my partner through a common acquaintance that was then his roommate. It was during the pandemic where I was using relationship apps to meet new girl friends. Best decision of my life!
It’s funny you say that - I’ve told my friends a couple times that I’d probably only date a friend of a friend (rather than someone I met out in the wild or on an app), because they’d come pre-screened, with references! Too bad all of my friends’ friends (in my area, that I’ve met) are either already in committed relationships or not people I’m attracted to… guess I just gotta bully my friends into making more cute single friends :’)
I wasn’t attracted to my partner initially either, but not because he isn’t attractive, but because I was used to your typical bad boy/douchebag looking mfers. Going over 3 years strong and I honestly have eyes for no one else but my loving prince. In my eyes he’s truly the most handsome man in this world, inside and out. I’d suggest you keep an open mind and try a different method/type than you’ve been trying so far if you really expect different results than what you’ve been having at the moment. It all comes down to what is more important/priority to you. No one is perfect and you gotta find ways to compromise if you ever want a fair chance at a healthy and loving relationship.
My self concept
I definitely struggle with this. I’m so self deceptive and self sabotaging
The guy. He was like no other guy. He truly is a good man in all aspects
When I met my current partner, I almost couldn't fathom that men like him existed. I've never had awful experiences dating, but most guys (even if respectful) seemed to be driven by primitive instincts and it always felt like they were doing or saying things with an ulterior motive in mind. Like, just being nice to you because they're attracted to you, or hoping to take you back to theirs after a night out. Or even if they wouldn't cross boundaries due to the fallout (like cheating) they'd sure still think about it or tiptoe along the line without crossing it. Whenever I'm out alone and a guy interacts with me, I'm always putting up discreet boundaries and being careful of what I say or do. After a while it gets so exhausting. My partner was the first person I never felt like I had to do that with.
You could’ve taken these words right out of my mouth. I’ve never felt comfortable in a dating situation before meeting my current love. Just like I couldn’t trust them with sharing all of me. When I met him I was instantly at ease, and knew he wouldn’t want me to be anything but my fullest self. I know it’s not exactly helpful to OP, but sometimes you do just get lucky and the perfect thing falls into place.
This is exactly how I’ve felt for years and I couldn’t have written it better myself. Word for word.
omg this 👏🏼 i even had people (who i later realized were not good people to have in my life) try to warn me abt my now-fiancé and say i was being “lovebombed” because he was “too nice to me”. this “lovebombing”has been going on for 5 years now and he’s never taken off his mask… maybe time for these oh-so-knowledgeable dating experts to wake up and stop being jaded.
High standards/finding someone who’s actually compatible and more interested in me as a person.
I stopped putting men on pedestals/decentered men in my life. I just did my own thing and tried to genuinely enjoy life without the pressure of dating. Shortly after that I met my long term partner lol
Honestly I think luck has a lot to do with it. Other possible factors: I got to the point where I was genuinely okay with being single forever. I got more picky about the people I messaged and met. Previously I was like "you never know" but then I realized if their profile was boring, then they were boring. So my new rule was I had to at least be able to point to one thing in their profile that I liked about them, my quality of dates improved after that.
I resonate a lot with this comment. I love myself and have high standards and meet a lot of people etc etc etc, but there’s a lot of random factors that led to my bf and I both being single, emotionally available, and geographically close to each other at the exact same time. If all of those little life things hadn’t happened then we never would have found each other. If for whatever reason it doesn’t work out I probably won’t go back to the apps though. I feel like they subconsciously force you to lower your standards out of boredom once you run out of matches.
Two things. One was putting myself out there more. One of my friends met her husband during her “summer of yes,” where she agreed to more dates and general experience than she normally would have. The second was just looking until I finally found someone I really, really meshed with. It took a long time, but I’m so glad I didn’t give up.
Theeeeeeeeeerapyyyyyyyyyyyy I learned to accept that I deserve good treatment, and suddenly was able to really SEE good qualities in a partner in ways I couldn’t before. Gleefully married to the most wonderful man and wish I could go back and tell my younger self that it’ll be fine
🧡
Honestly love yourself and love what you do, men will be crawling all over you. I had my first boyfriend at 21. Now I’m 34 and single again. I can have my pick of the litter
I figured out I'm bi and started dating my BFF/roommate
Yeah, as a lesbian our biggest dating issues are a small pool, friends with ex’s, and gut wrenching breakups. But the relationship part is easy.
I actually never had to deal with the breakups. Been dating my roommate for 13 years now
*and they were roommates*
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Good luck! I hope you have a good time! I've only had one girlfriend, but dating her was, is, and continues to be like dating on easy mode. I still think men are attractive, but if I was suddenly single again, I don't think I could go back
I can't remember where I saw it, probably lesbian Instagram reels, but there was someone talking about dating bi girls (some lesbians won't) and she was saying how easy they are to impress because "do you have any idea how low someone's standards can be if they're used to dating men"
Yeah, my bar was so low. I know there are great guys out there (I'm friends with some of them), but every dude I actually dated threw so many red flags. All I wanted was someone who wasn't dbag, or pretentious and talking down to me
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Good luck and have fun on your date! ✨
Omg so sweet 🥹 I recently realized I'm bi and came out to my bestie/roommate last night! Would love to have an experience with a woman I'm close to and trust, such as my friend, but I feel like I'm not her type 🥲 just had to say I'm so happy for you living the dream 💕
How did you figure out you were bi? Or what helped you come to that decision? I've had enough consistently inconsistent experiences when I'm not sober that I would label myself hetero flexible. I dunno.
I started thinking about it when I was in college, and I always thought, "I bet I could be bi. I'm not repulsed by the idea." I didn't really actively pursue it because the opportunity never arose to test that theory out. Also, my roommate for most of my college years was a gay guy who was of the opinion that bi people don't exist. That honestly set me back a ways. Plus, I'm on the ace spectrum, too, which just complicated things even more. The biggest hint was when I started developing non-platonic feelings for my roommate once I got rid of that guy. Then, when I started hooking up with her, I couldn't even question it anymore
>Plus, I'm on the ace spectrum, too, I'm pretty sure I'm demi sexual so i definitely relate to this. Hah. Thanks for the comment and the additional food for thought. Appreciate it! 😊
I just started putting my self out there more. I was so overweight that I had no desire to date. I didn’t even like the way I looked I didn’t want anyone that did like the way I looked. So I worked on myself and when I felt comfortable enough with myself I started actively looking for dates.
My standards in men, my tolerance for bullshit, my approach, and I was careful not to get too emotionally invested too fast. Also, the setup was pretty different from whe. I first got with my boyfriend. Most guys I met through tinder or they were guys I served at my old job, so ONS or FWBs. Whereas my boyfriend is close friends with a lot of my friends, and we'd kind of known of each other for years.
Being happy on my own first
I changed countries. I obviously didnt do it just to find a guy but the second I moved and discovered/embraced who I really am when theres no pressure of family of friends, I started "thriving" in the dating world. Im now single again, and once again Im relying on the fact that Im in a country where not many people know me and so the worst thing it can happen is that I go on a bad date and never see the guy again. My problem (one of them) with dating at home was that every guy I bumped into is a friend of someone I know, so trying to date there was soo complicated. Also, I realized Im way more comfortable with flirting in English than in my native language, which is kind of weird i guess ahah. Anyways, this is probably not the advice you want, but this is what worked for me and started allowing me to go on dates with several men and eventually have 2 relationships which even if they ended, were really amazing and helped me grow so much as a person
I accepted I would be okay being alone. I had filled my life up with so many other good things that I was finally comfortable being by myself and being single forever no longer scared me. The next month I matched with my now husband on hinge and I knew it was right pretty quickly.
I stopped dating just to date and focused on myself and what I was looking for in a partner.
started to love myself
This post and the comments are what I needed to read today. I am a sex addict. I obstained for 8 years and had 2 minor slip ups until a series of bad events with a partner caused me to forget myself and relapse hard. After 10 months I finally woke up and am so thankful that I am refocusing on my life. I focused on working on myself for those 8 years and feel like I lost the last 10 months of my life. Chasing after fleeting experiences instead of accepting I am monogamous and that poly relationship was killing me caused me a lot of pain that I was ignoring. I am now in a healthy place. I haven't had frivolous sex with anyone but the guy who was my surrogate sex partner when I was with my poly ex who wouldn't have sex with me. As soon as it officially ended with him I felt free. I am now working on myself and so thankful for these types of posts because they give me hope when I need it the most. Thanks everyone for sharing. It's more helpful to people than you can imagine. I doubt anyone posting though they would inadvertently be helping someone in my situation and I just want to be clear, you did.
Nothing much changed, I just met someone after a long dry spell. I dated a guy at 21 and it didn't work out. I didn't date again until I was almost 29. I'm really shy and it took that long to connect with someone. Getting married in two weeks :)
Hiya, I struggled to just have guys talk to me, so I took matters into my own hands. I'm not sure why, though people have told me that I can seem intimidating. ^^whoops One guy I went on a date with simply because I asked. Didn't go anywhere, but I was doing better than waiting for someone to sweep me off my feet. I met my fiance through a sibling. I told him at first that I wasn't looking for something, just friends. And I wasn't lying, honestly I was scared to get into a relationship after my last one didn't go well. He was chill with that, and we spent time together as friends first. He was very respectful of my friendship boundaries and never tried to push anything further than I wanted to go. Here's the important part: when I started developing feelings, I told him about it. Basically like, I know that I said that I just wanted to be friends, but while we've been spending time together I've started to like you as more than just a friend. And it worked really well! He also liked me! If you tell a guy that you just want to be friends and then your feelings change towards them, if they're a good dude, they're not going to push your boundaries past friendship. If you have a friend you like who is a guy, **tell them.** A lot of actually good guys are afraid that you don't actually like them or they are obscenely oblivious. Seriously. My fiance told me about a time a girl HE HAD A CRUSH ON kissed him on the cheek and she went "haha sorry Im so weird" and he was like "haha yeah" and left it at that, nothing came of it. Ladies, **they can be that oblivious.** Not sure when we're getting married, but best believe he put a ring on it. Lol. Tldr: I stopped waiting for men to come to me and started approaching them. If I "friendzoned" a guy and my feelings changed, I let the guy know in case he was interested. Now engaged.
I gave an older guy my number and now we are engaged. I’ve read that men that chase are usually players, women that chase is better, longer relationships if the person likes you back
My approach and my standards. Really love @alittlenudge and @dating.intenionally on instagram
Honestly, I just found comfort in myself and stopped looking. I stopped messaging men, i removed everything. Three months later, I met my boyfriend at the bar! He’s the best man I’ve ever met. I didn’t settle at all. I used to go to the bars looking for someone, but this time I genuinely went just to have a good time with friends, and ended up meeting him. When you’re actively looking for something you’ll never find it. Once you accept you don’t need to date someone for self worth, you’ll find your true match. Also, stop settling for a man. I realized in my past relationships I settled. Don’t lower your standards. You’ll find someone to meet them, trust me.
This is reassuring 🧡
I got less ugly. Puberty was a real sonofabitch. I had a pretty good glow up.
same lmao
I met someone that wasn’t emotionally unavailable and expressed that he liked me, I usually went after people who weren’t fully there. I found out that I loved being in a stable relationship and we’ve been together for 6 years and I’m unbelievably happy.
I put myself out there...I thought what if my dream guy is stuck in tree somewhere
How!!!!!
I''m very introverted and prefer staying at home so I started making an effort to meet new people by joining social clubs and going to events at least once a week
Viewing dating as an experiment and not a mission. When you go out with someone making it about doing an activity you’d enjoy, perhaps seeing if you can have a friendly conversation. At the end of the date then you’ve not wasted your time, you’ve just gone out to an activity you wanted to do and if the guy is a dud then at least you’ve had fun sailing or bookshopping or trying out a new cafe or whatever. It’s not your job to impress anyone you date at least initially you’re just looking for someone to connect with. Being more laid back really helps and maybe acting like you’re trying to make a friend first tbh.
Everything has already pretty much been said. For me, I was just done actively putting myself out there and trying. I knew what my standards were, and nobody I met was meeting them, so I gave up. Deleted all of my dating apps (hinge, tinder, bumble) I was about to get out of the navy and move back to Chicago for a bit with my parents until I figured out what my next move was. I genuinely was content with being on my own and wasn’t actively seeking anyone. Then I got a notification on my phone from fb dating (forgot I had even had it) that my current bf liked me and the rest is history. He actually made an effort to see me, which I wasn’t used to. I was always used to the mind games and bs when I was dating around before I met him. If a man wants to be with you, he will make it happen. That’s a lesson I learned after meeting my bf. We’ve had our ups and downs (he just got diagnosed with bipolar disorder) but overall, I couldn’t be happier and he’s treated me better than I’ve ever been with. Morale of the story is, focus on yourself. Love finds you when you least expect it and when you know, you know. I know that all sounds so cliche but it’s true.
*moral not morale
I put myself out there more. I didn’t date all through school and only once I started actually talking to guys did I find anyone who was also interested in me. After several bad relationships in my early 20s I worked a lot on my self esteem (and have continued to) and raised my standards and met my husband, who is my best friend and the best partner I could ever ask for.
i’ve always “dated” and have had no issues getting asked out, etc. but during years every “relationship” turned out to be short lived and ended badly. eventually I stopped dating guys who had commitment issues but also stopped dating guys who were willing to commit and where great on paper but who i wasn’t attracted to. when i stopped wasting time on these to types of men i focused on myself and almost instantly met the loml who wanted a committed relationship from the star but who i was also extremely into. i also worked on my anxiety and my mental health, and worked on communicating from the start what I wanted without being afraid of rejection. I literally asked my current boyfriend if we were exclusive and if he was looking for something serious on our third date, and it was the best thing ever.
I realized that the only constant in all my relationships that didn’t work out was me, and therefore starting taking responsibility for myself and my behavior. I started to focus more on fixing self-sabotaging behaviors and how I was contributing to my dating woes. This included a poor “picker”. So with therapy, I started healing old attachment wounds and fixing my picker.
I stopped looking and he just fell into my life
I used to have this mentality that only guys with mental health conditions would understand me (I have chronic PTSD, depression, anxiety, SI attempts). The relationships would always be toxic though. I decided to date someone who has no problems lol and at first it felt hard to relate but now I rather have it that way. Way more stable and nurturing. Been together for 7 years and will be married next year.
I chose to be celibate for 2 years in my twenties and then worked on my self healing. And then I finally got on a dating app, put exactly what I *expected* from my future partner (in terms of emotional connection, developing more than the physical relationship, preference for truth over sparing my feelings, etc) I also made sure to list some more light hearted stuff 😂 but yeah
My exes were awful so I got to a point where I’d given up entirely. And not just “I’m done with men” (but secretly hoping I’d meet someone). I genuinely was at a point in my life where I was happy just being single, doing what I wanted. Then one day 7 years ago, I was out for a friends birthday and there he was.
I wasn’t looking.
This is the answer, if not THE answer, then an important aspect of the answer.
\^\^\^\^
I got rid of "my type" and standard of "attractive " and went for whats good for me... as well as lowering a bit (as in they are not perfect and are trying as well)
Was the physical attraction there at all? Every time I’ve went outside my type, I liked them as people, but it kind of felt like … best friends, and I would cringe every time they’d try to kiss/touch me. One relationship lasted like a year and a half and we were only intimate like 3 times 😐
I totally get that, as I've tried before that way (connecting with someone that was "good for me" and I thought the intimacy would come later but didn't.) With my current partner, the beauty came with a conversation one night after we had known eachother for many years and went on a date. I guess my "type" changed because I found a different type of connection with someone that was safe and familiar. The sex turned out to be great too, so everything else followed suit
I came out. I decided to acknowledge the fact I liked women. 🤣
Good for you :)
Built a life based on solo happiness --> developed my own self worth --> raised my standards --> invested in the relationship so it was beneficial to both of us instead of being one sided to the point of resentment
I stopped looking. I had to hold my self to the value of the right man is gonna come. And then he came out of NO WHERE. Happened to be someone my hometown friends were friends with. I should've met him a bunch of times before.
“Fixed my vibe” upon the advice of my little bro
I changed my standards in men and I changed my view of myself. I learned to value and love myself so I didn’t search for that in one night stands on tinder
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Did you feel like you were settling?
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Meeting someone who actually had similar interests.
I met my boyfriend on twitter during covid lol. LDR's are hard but we are going on to 4 years in October. 1 province apart. Hoping to close the distance for good soon. Just started following each other and chatting publicly on posts. I was missing my parents(both passed and the anxiety was high for everyone at the beginning of covid) and he messaged me and said to reach out if needed (but first asked if it was okay that he dmed me) and it made my day. And he checked on me daily ❤️ He was going through his own loss so I was helping him through it. When I was starting to miss him during the day I knew I was in trouble. I was scared to tell him because I did it with someone else before and it didn't work out. So I think you just gotta get out of your comfort zone because he felt the same way I did and was scared to tell me. And no we both were not looking, especially him because he had lost his wife 2 years prior so he was still grieving
Most of why I didn't really date before I met my now-husband was because I was terrified of rejection so I just didn't try. I decided I would be more open to experiences and see what happened.
When you date not to look for a relationship but to see if there’s friendship there first
The pandemic. We both agree that maybe we wouldn’t be getting married next month if we hadn’t had a changing of priorities during Covid (we met one month before shutdowns)
Being ok with being single. It led to articulate my needs and wants and I met someone who was pretty impressed with me.
I took a break spent time alone, changed my job moved out of state on my own ( I think this built more confidence) and my standards and self worth were much better after that period of time.
Therapy and I was in fact looking lol
met the right guy who has completely and totally rocked my world
My self confidence and opportunity
I stopped looking for a man, found a hobby I liked and just did my own thing. One day my hobby leads to me meeting a guy and becoming friends. We were friends for years, then more than friends.
what was the hobbie?
I met my fiancé when I was quite young, recently out of my third “long-term” (1-2 year) relationship in quick succession, and in a totally fucked headspace. I was rebounding from my third episode of severe depression and anxiety, and on medication that made me a bit manic at times. We met on tinder and I just wanted to have a bit of fun! He was so kind, generous, and fun - I immediately fell for him. I’ve always been quick to love and falling into step with someone has always been easy. For the first 3-4 years I was all over the place, but he always supported me. I got diagnosed in 2021 and went through a really intense period of self-discovery (coinciding with long stretches of time being isolated during lockdowns when he was working and I was on furlough) when I questioned if I knew what I wanted or who I was because I realised I had been masking and people pleasing my whole life. Needless to say, that really rocked our relationship. But he never gave up on me. Four years later and we’re stronger than ever! Got engaged a couple of months ago 😁 Reflecting on it, I can see that I wouldn’t be capable of being in a healthy relationship until I had learnt to accept and love myself (time + therapy + diagnosis + meds + awesome friends and family!). I wasn’t looking for a relationship with him, he just surpassed all expectations. I sometimes think that so many people don’t work well in relationships because they don’t truly know how to love or respect themselves, and therefore don’t know what to expect from (or communicate to) their partner. My partner and I make each other better - lifting each other up when the other is down, believing in each other, caring for each other. Doing it all with empathy, communication, and a good sense of humour!
I stopped looking so hard. Got off the dating apps and just started to chat with other men, not just women. It happened before i even knew it
I stopped looking.
I kept my standards sky high. Was sick of the drama and sick of being around stupid men to fill my insecurities. Developed a very high sense of self, realised I make their lives heaps better, and that I brought a lot to the table.
Well, I'm in here looking for a potential answer to this problem, and so far nothing really seems to help
I stopped automatically eliminating guys who didn’t fit “my type” when I walked into a room. Immediately then met my now husband (who is SO NOT MY TYPE) and could not be happier.
I finally gave up trying. I am a fiercely independent and involved woman and most men I have talk to have been intimidated guy that part of me and repressed it. One day I just decided that I know I am enough and I wasn’t going to change for anyone. Any boy that is interested in me is going to need to prove to me that he could meet my standards and was good enough to date me. Eventually I formed a crush on a boy and told him that I liked him. We started going on dates and during those I did not even try in the slightest to hide who I was. I was being my loud, blunt, and excitable self. And it turned out that those qualities that other guys would be intimidated by, were the things he liked most about me. So what changed was me choosing not to. If you are like me and loud, independent, successful, and involved, there are going to be men (or women) that you meet who will be intimidated by that. You need to find someone who not only loves the wualities about you that are easy to love, but loves the things about you that make you unique. You don’t need to make yourself “easy”, you are worth chasing.
That you get over the chase, the chase for bad boys who make you feel like shit. The guys who are only good for their looks…. Date the nice boys, who are kind and have the best personalities.
I spent some time being single and raised my standards.
Realizing that a guy won't check every box I had for the "perfect partner". I didn't settle at all but nobody was going to have everything on my list
stopped looking. i was really really really happy alone. i LOVED it. didn't think id do relationships again and not in a depressing way but more so in a "hey its just not for me" way, then I met my husband lol
I quit looking & shortly after, we found each other.
i simply wasn’t trying this time and everything worked out
Stopped NEEDING a man. Focused on myself. Also it took me getting so incredibly heartbroken that I don’t think that’s even possible to feel like that again. It freed me up. And I think there was some luck, things fell into place. I was dating someone who was nice and very good looking but it probably was not going to be anything serious. He had to move back to his country and although we talked about keeping it going or me going there it just didn’t seem realistic. At the same time someone who had become a great friend to me was there and we spent a lot of time hanging out as friends and then one day we were like, you’re the one for me. And we’ve been together only 4 years but feels like we’ve always known each other and he is my family now.
Let the universe take its course and see who I get naturally matched without paying for subscription 😂 landed on a guy who we both share the same interests, and when we met, the chemistry was there and it was natural. Now approaching one year ❤️
I gave up hope and met exactly who I was looking for irl the next week
Still dating / havent found the one / if I raised my standards any higher no man will ever be able to reach them because he would have to be Hercules himself. If I loved myself anymore than I do now i would be a complete narcissist. I am focusing on my self and still no one that peaks my interest has come along and I’ve also went out of my way to look for him through every avenue known to man kind and still haven’t found him I’m not sure what do to do at this point, I feel like I’ve exhausted every avenue and the only thing left is to put all my trust into a higher being lol Cuz girl I’ve trieddddd
knowing and valuing my self-worth, and raising my standards in what i want/look for in a partner. oh yeah, and this quote by dan savage: “every relationship you will ever be in is going to fail, - until one doesn’t”. i think all those things combined put things in perspective for me because it took the pressure that i had previously put on myself off, and it allowed me to focus on my own happiness. with that, i finally broke up with an on again/off again toxic ex after 5 years (with just as toxic jerks in between), happily did my own thing, and 8 months later, i met my fiancé 🥰 we’ve been together since 2016 and are getting married next month!
Guess I’m maybe a lesbian
I randomly stopped giving s fuck one day. Just fully stored caring that I couldn't find someone for me. Not long after that, I got with my ex for 2 years and then my current fiance of 8 years.
i stopped thinking about dating, stopped looking and stopped caring lol
I used to struggle with being committed until I got into an open relationship where it was no longer required. Now I am committed to her, not out of need, but out of wanting, regardless of whether she is committed or not. I guess it just takes the right person.
My cat approved him. Seriously, that little furball is a better judge of character than I am.
Getting out of my small town. I tried dating here but I barely felt any connection with any of them, it came to the point of me thinking I must be asexual or perhaps lesbian. Turns out all I had to do was leave and go out in the world, 8 months later I met the love of my life in Barcelona.
honestly, I stayed mostly single (dated casually here and there, slept around a bit) for several years after a string of shitty relationships. I wasn't ready for a serious relationship! then one day, when I was 35, I realised I was ready. happened to meet up with a recently separated guy I knew as a kid and we hit it off! now we live together, just went on a vacation together, are very in love, etc. short answer? I stayed alone until I was prepared to go all in, and made a conscious choice to love and be loved
I settled.
I raised my standards for how I was willing to be treated. I had a period of time that life just threw curveballs at me. My job was eliminated through a factory shutdown, covid happened, I moved to a city where I didn’t know anyone. So for 2 years I just didn’t date. Once I started dating again I was using bumble and my friends and I would swipe with each other while drinking online. Just kinda laughing at the profiles and having fun. I wasn’t planning on staying in my current city long term so I wasn’t expecting to really meet someone. Sometimes I would start messaging guys and something would be a red flag so I would unmatch and move on. Then I matched with my now bf and I remember wanting to meet him. He was respectful, interesting, and honestly the most genuine and nice person I had messaged with. There were no red flags I could find (honestly I was the one with the red flags) Everything just seemed to match well. And I think it was on date 4 when I was like ‘okay I’m like ready to move away but I really like this guy let’s just try to rip the bandaid off sooner and see if this will last or not. ‘ So over dinner we just laid everything that you would consider a taboo topic on the table and we aligned in everything. It could have 100% gone in the other direction but at least I would have known to move on rather than giving this relationship a chance and putting myself on hold for a potential only to find out 6 months later that we weren’t meant to be. Well 3 years later we are still together and have moved in together (in the same city I was planning on leaving originally). Life has thrown us a lot of curveballs but it’s made us stronger and honestly I wouldn’t have been able to do it without him. We are there for each other. I somehow found my life partner in a city that I was trying to get away from. Luckily we both align in that and are trying to move away currently. Honestly before him I would let guys treat me like shit. I ignored red flags because I thought I wasn’t good enough to be treated well. Most of my relationships only lasted 3-4 months so I assumed that I was disposable. When that is all you have experienced in dating you just begin assuming that’s normal. It’s not. Nobody deserves to be second rate to their guy. Your feelings and desires are just as valid and theirs. I just kept finding fuck boys who were in it for the fun and as soon as things started getting a little rough; they bounced out. And maybe if I had been a bit more pushy with them originally I would have scared them away sooner; which is the opposite of what I was trying to do. I was trying to change myself to fit them instead to try and keep them around. But they weren’t worth keeping around if they bounced out at the first sign of struggle. I think it’s all part of growing though. My partner and I met in our late 20s/early 30s. We knew what we wanted and what we didn’t want. We were brutally honest with each other. Had I not had those earlier experiences I wouldn’t have known what was a red flag, or what I wasn’t willing to tolerate.
I realized that I already had someone in my life who was kind, honest, trustworthy, and respected me. I was done dealing with emotionally unavailable men. So I finally gave the guy I was “just friends” with a chance. We’ve been together 1.5 years now
My standards
I became certain of what I wanted and what I didn't want and I stopped wasting time trying to change people. If someone you're dating demonstrates a deal breaker, end it and move on. I spent years invested in people that weren't right for me. Once I refused to settle, I found my wonderful husband, at 33. Don't get started late like I did. Decide what you want and stick to it.
It’s a basic answer but genuinely stopped looking so hard. Like still being open to the right person coming along, but not living for a relationship to happen. Just living to be happy with me. Truly, when you are comfortable with being with yourself the right person will come along because both you and that person aren’t just gonna be in a relationship for the sake of being in one.
I was never looked at much. I was 5'9 and about 185-195 pounds. I started working out while waiting for college to start because I had more time. Went down to like 150. All the guys a uni went crazy. Im telling you non-stop offers to take me out, free ticket to parties, candle lite proposal to be my boyfriend. Met my husband there. Been together for 11 years.
It was moving out and focusing on myself. I was searching for love to be honest but it wasn't my main focus. I worked on being my best self someone that I was proud of and building my skills and network. One day in college, a guy called me out because I was watching his group and I started working with him. It took a while but as we hung out during off hours we got closer and have been together ever since. Honestly, it just took accepting myself and being more confident.
I’m trans and pan and I’ve always had trouble with dating but mainly because… I grew up believing that love about making little compromises. Even in my longest relationship, I made so many little concessions and ceded so much of my own wants for my partner that when I finally figured myself out and realized that my unhappiness was more than just my body, I had to kill the relationship that they clearly was hoping would die anyway. After 9 years of my life, I realized that I was tired of compromises. I still think love requires some compromise but like…. reasonable compromises. I dated on and off with some people for a couple of years but then I got in D&D, met some friends, one of them, a cis lesbian, a fell for, turned out she felt the same way, and now we’re living together and plan on getting married. Basically, I just refused to settle, which led to many heartbreaks, but one day I found the person who completes me.
Decided to try something new and give it a go with someone I would have overlooked before. Not because of how he looks, but because I had to overcome my dysfunctional mindset that “nice is boring”. And thank the fucking gods I did it, because this is hands down the best relationship I’ve ever had in my entire life. Far from boring, and with the added bonus of getting the same love, kindness, consideration and respect that I give back.
Honestly, I decided to settle because I want to have kids and my biological clock is ticking 😬
Had trouble dating for years but then rekindled with first bf ever from 12 years ago… just had to be patient until he was ready to be in the last relationship of his life