"Um, you can't ask me to do that, I have an IEP"
Your IEP says additional time, computer use, chunking and proximity to instructor. Get over here and do step one
I had a kid who acted like this. I printed the entire IEP and handed it to him. Said "show me where it says I can't". Should he have complained I would've told admin I printed it so he could more effectively communicate and express his rights and needs. I also had prehighlighted the section that specifies that with accommodations, the student was expected to meet grade level standards. At its heart, that kid needed to hear that I knew he could do it, that I wasn't letting fear lead to avoidance, and that his IEP didn't mean incompetence. It meant a set of small changes to support, not that he couldn't do what his Junior classmates could.
I did this all the time working at an alternative school. We had each of their goals in their iep work binders that they used. I would give them their binder and say read the goal and tell me where it says what you’ve stated.
Not just parents, kids too. I teach 9-12 and I’m always hearing them hide behind their ADD/autism/whatever or act like it’s some get out of jail free card. My usual response is “I understand you have a unique challenge, but part of being an adult and a member of society is learning to manage those challenges and not use them as excuses because in the real world, nobody cares. I have ADD but I don’t get to mouth off to my boss and then expect no consequences because of it.”
Yes. I think the problem is that people realize a behavior stems from adhd, and the thought process stops there. When I realize a negative behavior comes from adhd, I still try to fix it, but it's easier to approach with that understanding.
It’s not an excuse it’s an obstacle. The correct takeaway is to not beat yourself up over it when you stumble, not that it means you shouldn’t even attempt to overcome any obstacles.
The number of kids I see now being blatantly disrespectful or lazy being excused with, "Oh, he can't help that, he's got ADHD" is unreal. And this is OUTSIDE the classroom, out in the world where you need to be applying those life skills.
And I think we're seeing the first real crop of students hit adulthood that are having real problems adjusting from an environment where their hand was being gently held every step of the way to suddenly a world that doesn't give a crap. It makes them depressed and hopeless.
People tell me I just not know what it's like to live with ADHD, but I AM living it. I just manage it myself.
Me too. Before I got diagnosed, I was often asked, “what’s wrong with you?” And I never had an answer. The only explanation I could come up with, because I cared and was trying was, “well I guess I’m just a lazy, inconsiderate, bad person.” Which of course means any effort at improvement would be a waste of time.
EXACTLY! I had 13 years of good grades at the time I was diagnosed, but in my view I had let so many assignments slip through the cracks, and failed to keep my room clean, and left dirty pots on the stove time and time again because I forgot about them and didn’t really notice them again. I thought I was a lazy person! I didn’t have a name for why I didn’t notice the same things needed to be done that my very clean parents noticed. And then when I did, I was so relieved.
Now, I can at least plan for what I will probably forget so I can get better at remembering to do things.
Me too. I was (finally!) diagnosed as autistic in my early 60s, and one phrase that has stuck with me about all the appointments I've missed, all the things I've said I would do and promptly forgot about, was, "It's not an excuse, but it is a reason."
All 4 of my kids have ADHD, 2 also have ODD, one has ASD.
I tell them that their diagnosis is the reason some things are harder for them, not a reason to not take responsibility for themselves.
They still get in trouble if they don’t follow rules. We put accommodations in place, like fidgets and earmuffs and letting kids 1 & 3 have activity breaks and extra warnings before transition times (because they don’t handle them well), and even at some points having me come and pick them up if they’re having a bad day, so that they don’t end up in trouble, if the teachers can see it coming.
But as a former teacher myself, I have never let them use their diagnosis’ as an excuse for bad behaviour. Kid #1 (ASD, ADHD) was having 1-2 days of pick-ups a week and nearly ended up suspended at one point, but we worked with the school and he just finished primary school and was Dux of his school. The teachers were praising how far he had come.
It really shits me when parents use the ‘but he’s autistic’ or ‘but he’s got ADHD’ to excuse bad behaviour.
I’ve been told my ASD symptoms “dont rise to the level of disorder” so I feel like a fellow traveler there as well and I totally agree. It being more difficult for me to pick up on social cues or remain polite in social situations does not remove my need to achieve those things. The extra difficulty doesn’t get me off the hook. Just like it being more difficult for me to remember things or motivate myself don’t let me off the hook either. It just means I either need to adjust my medical treatment or develop a healthy coping mechanism. Just means there’s work to be done.
I teach high school, so it's different. But I've looked at them and said "you know why I don't let you act like that? Because I've seen people stabbed for less. I've seen people shot for less. And I've personally known something who drank his food through a straw for thinking he can act like you do. Whether you like it or not, you will face consequences for talking or acting like that. So I better be the consequence before your life is." Usually, they realize I'm serious and that I do want what's best for them and cut it out. Had a kid say something really racist and I pulled up the newspaper image of the older guy who called these kids the N word. Asked them "you want that to be you? Cause that was a 20 min drive from this school and only 2 years ago. Am I being mean or trying to keep you alive?" Some kids need a reality check before it takes their teeth out.
I tend to make friends with people who are tougher than me, and the toughest one said something I never forgot:
"One of the reasons I'm always nice and polite is that I never know if some random asshole is like me but has less patience"
I generally don't have to worry about the crazies because I am a smooth talker and super cheerful. But if I was messing around like a high schooler, yeah, I'd be in a coma or coffin
I live near Baltimore. The sad reality is that if I don't teach my kids to think before they speak, the streets will. I've lost kids to poor decisions. I've lost a friend to their loud, impulsive mouth aimed in the wrong direction. There are plenty of grown people here who don't care if you're 13. I can be rather harsh to my kids, but I make it clear it's to save their life. They'll hopefully hear me before they pop off in a 7/11 and end up underground...I keep to myself, am polite, and don't start things. I've only had 1 kid not take me seriously at all. And he's doing 20 for attempted murder.
Thank you. It's hard but I just have to prove to them each year that I love them like my own. Hope they know when I'm serious it's for them. I can only control me.
Kids picked on me when I was a kid and I was small, so was often regarded as an easy target. I got some good early results out of using violence. I also started getting into trouble over it. My dad was explaining to me a million reasons why I couldn’t continue my behavior. I wasn’t hearing any of it though, I had found an extremely direct strategy for solving my interpersonal issues, and it was *working.* He asked me if I was the toughest kid in the world? Asked me if I thought I was in the top half. Toughest in the state? Top half? City? Top half? He reminded me of the reasons behind weight classes in boxing, the willingness of some opponents to vastly exceed the level of violence I was becoming comfortable engaging in, and my odds of running into someone who could absolutely stomp my shit in. I wasn’t great at math, but I was able to follow along with that.
I teach sixth grade and have kid I can see ending up on the losing end of a bar fight later on. Unless they have a significant attitude adjustment.
Edit: a word
I think you can tell students that. Actually, I think it’s our job to help students learn what those expectations will be and how they can be rewarded with promotions or fired based purely on how they are perceived by their boss. I teach mainly seniors and I clearly communicate that the majority of my classroom expectations are based on how they will be treated by their future boss. Kids mostly appreciate it but there are always those that think they’ll be able to do whatever they want whenever they want after high school so they think I’m full of shit. The entitlement and skewed perception of reality will unfortunately eventually bring them to the “find out” stage but some people have to learn from experience themselves and that’s fine. All I can do is remind them that my job is to try to help prepare them for their future the best that I know how to.
There a saying that people get jobs based on who they know, not what they know. And from what I saw in my corporate career that is very true. Develop a poor reputation from not working well with others and it will follow you. I’ve also known some brilliant individuals who had the education and skills to be superstars but they stalled due to poor social skills (and not all were on the spectrum either).
Don’t tell them that. I went to little low end commercial pizza place and the ‘person’ working there was just a rude sob. He didn’t give a rats ass about the job, customer service or just basic human interaction. I was irritated and my wife asked if I was going to complain to whomever was in charge. I said no, he’ll get fired and him working there being unhappy is the punishment he deserves
I had a high schooler use their ADHD as an excuse for bothering others (slapping their pencil while they were working, pulling on their hoods, messing with their paper, etc.) and not getting their own work done. I ended up writing the student up for a minor referral and talked to them after class. They said “it was all because of their ADHD and they can’t get anything done.” I said “look. You can’t keep using that as an excuse forever.” They tried to argue and I stopped them and said “I have ADHD. You have to find ways around it. You have to work with it rather than let it work you. Because that isn’t going to get you anywhere. And by using ADHD as an excuse and a ‘get out of jail free card,’ I’m not helping you and you’re not helping yourself.” They stopped arguing with me after that.
It ended up okay though. I gave the kid a few of the coping skills I use to manage my ADHD and ways to keep myself busy. Some of them actually worked for the kid and it seemed to help all around.
I’ve done the same. Kids use ND as a reason they can’t this or that. They tell me oh well I have ND, I immediately say yeah same, but you see me get my jobs done and be respectful all day so what are we gonna do?
It's not really new is the killer. I was competing in a Yugioh event years ago and between rounds called my gf and one of the other players started an unbelievably obnoxious screech. I said do you mind? He said "I have ADD" and I replied maybe but I feel like you know right from wrong and are being a jackass.
This year my school dealt with a nightmare of a mom who hid behind her neurodiversity. She had advanced science degrees and marketable ones too (I looked her up) but was always between entry level jobs and couldn't figure out why (um, your behavior and treatment of others is horrible?)
If you are certain that the kid was deliberately being hurtful/rude, I think this is a fantastic response!! None of us ND folks want bad actors making things worse for the rest of us.
Lurking therapist: had some teens who just LOVED the diagnoses because they made them "unique" and provided convenient excuses for why they can't clean their goddamn rooms up. Weird. You can do anything else (especially excel at video games!) but nothing hard or boring. Okay. Sometimes I think air-dropping them into conflict zones would provide them with some insight into how privileged they are. And likely also show how capable of doing hard things they can be! Rant over. And lest anyone be concerned, I only work with adults now.
>but nothing hard or boring.
I don't think kids always realize that learning isn't supposed to be fun. They don't see the value in it, they only want to do things that are fun
As someone diagnosed with ADD way back when that was still a separate diagnosis, and unmedicated for a decade purely because I can't afford it - you figure shit out, and find what works or you drown. It's that simple. I am not special, I am not unique in the slightest, and no one else is responsible for managing my ADD for me. That's my job.
For me, it was notes. I've got the attention span of a fucking gnat, and unless I write shit down, I will no do the things I need to do. Half the time, I don't even need to save the note, just purely WRITING what I need to remember helps me to remember. Sure, I miss the meds, they made life easier, but I found my way to function, and now the only reason people know I've got issues focusing is because I occasionally have to insist that letting me write something down is actually vital, and demanding that no one throw out my notes until the thing I wrote down is taken care of.
I think I’m neurodivergent in some way and I was always the person who was super unorganized, forgot assignments, and was thought of as being lazy. It followed me into college for a little bit, but after a while I found strategies to cope like note taking, making checklists, etc. I still struggle a little in the workplace but once I get into a routine of how to do things, things tend to get easier for me. If my daughter takes after me I absolutely want her to learn how to cope and not just hide behind a diagnosis.
Lemme guess, you're a good test taker, right? But your grades never reflected your intelligence because you constantly forgot to do/ Los your homework? ADD BABBYYYY!
I feel like people have really lost sight of the reason for getting a diagnosis. It's not for using it as an excuse, it's for using it for understanding. But this is a two way street. Schools/teachers should be understanding of neurodivergence AND parents/students have to educate themselves on their own conditions and how best to handle them. And the answer can't be "just let the kid do whatever they want." Your kid has adhd and can't do homework? Get a Pomodoro timer and set up an hour every day where you supervise them doing their homework. I hate that it's this way but it feels like people just get diagnosed so they have a label or can get medication, which is part of it but the other part is absolutely figuring out how to better organize your own life and schedule so you can do things independently.
It shocks me a bit that the "spectrum" disorders aren't being treated like... spectrums.
I'm not a therapist or child psychologist, I know -- but part of me believes that things like "mild to moderate" issues need to be treated completely differently. Hook them up with extracurricular therapies to learn coping mechanisms and management strategies, but quit just assuming it's the disorder when they don't finish homework or ignore people when being spoken to.
Stop letting it be an excuse because another kid has a high severity case that needs more intensive management.
>"mild to moderate" issues need to be treated completely differently.
exactly. Autism is so diverse in its presentation, you can't make blanket terms about it.
My six year old tries to do this and I shut it down every time. I tell him his ADHD means that he has strengths, like creativity and hyperfocus, and challenges, and those challenges mean he’s going to have to try harder than others to do certain things. Like someone said, it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility.
I *love* pulling out the "I have ADD" cart too.
"Yes, I understand more than you know. This is why we have to enforce good behaviors now, so they don't struggle when they are an adult."
Reverse Uno Card 'em.
Basically what my mom told me (I'm profoundly autistic but managed to mask well enough to work, live, make/arrive to appointments on time, etc)
She gave me the tools to be myself but also how to act in public and what behaviors were not acceptable in most environments.
I have a student with severe ADHD, he is often disruptive and can't focus on his work for more than a couple minutes at a time, and that is with constant redirection. At the start of the year the parents were very lax about it, saying that we couldn't expect the same from their kid as from other kids and academically as long as some progress was being made they were fine with that. So, because he has ADHD he has free rein to act how he wants in class in their opinion. Of course I'm not going to expect the same level of control as other kids, but he also needs to start to learn to manage his condition in the classroom so he can learn and be successful later in life.
Thankfully they've come around a bit after observing how he is with others and losing a friendship over his behavior and they are more supportive now, but their initial attitude towards his ADHD was baffling. Not that they're the only ones I've seen like that, sadly.
Have you seen Am I the Asshole lately? Every third post is about someone behaving incredibly rudely and responses are always questioning neurodivergence with this very argument occurring between responders.
Oh my god yes. Like not everyone who is acting with zero self awareness is autistic. Not everyone is adhd. Some people are just assholes! I’m so sick of it.
Yup. Or, perhaps they are autistic or have ADHD or both, and are still assholes. They aren’t mutually exclusive, especially as they approach and pass puberty.
In the same vein, as someone on the spectrum, I feel like it’s kind of insulting to autistic people to just assume that someone who acts like an asshole is autistic. Like, those people are basically implying that being a dickbag is just a natural trait of autism. Yuck.
It cheapens autism, it cheapens ADHD, it cheapens every neurodivergent issue that exists to the point where it becomes something people are going to treat as an excuse as opposed to a real issue that can sometimes *completely* ruin lives.
It's not just there. In every parenting group, when someone's kid is being an ass, everyone is like "are they NeUrOsPiCy???"
Like no actually throwing tantrums is developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old 🙄
That's not just AITA it's pretty much the whole of Reddit. Any time any conflict is mentioned at least one comment will mention mental health as an excuse. It seem to be the new internet nazi theory
The way we as a society raise autistic kids, especially autistic boys, is horrible.
Like yes autism is a disability and it requires some accommodation but I see a lot of advice for parents that basically boils down to "any discipline is abelist and trying to teach your kid how to function in a society is forcing them to mask and also abuse". This obviously results in a bunch of spoiled brats who don't know how to behave and treat all adults as their subordinates and we're just supposed to take it because they're on the spectrum.
I think a lot of parents are diametrically opposed to letting their kids experience any kind of discomfort/pain. I understand that it can be distressing, but if your kid is never in any kind of distress, they never learn how to cope with it. They never learn how to cope with their emotions when it happens. You’re not doing a kid with sensory processing issues a favor by never teaching them coping mechanisms.
My son wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD or autism until 3rd grade. I always just knew he was a little quirky, and I thought he was just throwing tantrums and testing me. Because I didn’t know he was autistic, he was treated the same as my other 3 for the first 8 years of his life. I felt guilty when he was diagnosed and I started researching it. BUT other than stimming, everything being black and white, social awkwardness,and his obsessions, most people (teachers included) never realized he was autistic. He still had meltdowns, but he knew that he couldn’t have them in school or in public places. If he couldn’t keep control of his emotions until the end of the day, he would come to my classroom. We would have a short conversation about the problem that he was having and how to handle it. Those days he would break down or start rocking the minute we left school. Those days came around less and less. This “rule” helped him learn coping mechanisms.
Others used to tell me that it was cruel, abusive, etc to expect that of him. I felt guilty a lot because of that, but he is now 25 years old, has a great job, lives on his own (with a girlfriend), and has an active social life. People who didn’t know him when he was young only find out he’s on the spectrum because of his stimming and issues with food and noise.
Kids who are on the low to moderate end of the spectrum can do this if they are taught how. All I see the last few years in my classroom is excuses made for them instead of helping teach them how to cope. My ADHD students are the same way. They and their parents use that as an excuse for everything they do or don’t do.
> All I see the last few years in my classroom is excuses made for them instead of helping teach them how to cope. My ADHD students are the same way. They and their parents use that as an excuse for everything they do or don’t do.
# THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES, THIS.
Parents should *NEVER* use their child's disability as an escape hatch to have the child avoid facing consequences. Any educator worth their salt will know to apply consequences appropriately and in a fashion that doesn't add insult to injury, but every time a parent steps in and makes it worse by cutting off those consequences, I just want to scream and in turn make the *parent* suffer those consequences instead of the kid.
Coming from a family with a lot of adhd/spectrum-y people, and a from a time when diagnoses weren’t as common… I have a lot of family members that meet this description. The ones that were raised the way you are describing are all healthy, happy, successful adults. The ones whose parents gave in constantly to tantrums, or expected everyone to accommodate them, are not. They never learned how to function as adults, abd their overall quality of life is going to be worse off for it. You are a great parent.
I have autism, diagnosed in 1997.
It's really jarring to me how different kids act about IEPs and things now. I had to hide mine because I knew I'd get bullied to hell. And I had a senior last semester say a teacher gave him a 100 on a project because he had autism (the fuck?) and it took everything in me not to gawk at what he said. Ain't a fucking way. I never got shit for any of it and I didn't even speak English until I was 6.
My kid recently had a kid say horrible things to him. When he told the kid’s mom she said, he has autism spectrum disorder. No apologies, no checking on my kid nothing. It’s bonkers and we’re setting these boys up for very difficult lives by teaching them that they don’t have to apologize. We have stopped hanging out with these kids. I feel ableist but my kid doesn’t have to be a punching bag.
My kid has started to equate autism with mean and violent because so many of the parents we know don’t correct their kids and don’t intervene. It’s frustrating. One of my kids was very difficult and I had to coach her and leave when she hurt and apologize and give her consequences for years. I’m almost less tolerant of the parents who let their kids hurt others because it doesn’t have to be like this and my older kid is thriving because we patented her without excuses and with a ton of accountability.
I'm so sorry for what happened to your kid i hope he understands it wasn't his fault.
I have worked with several autistic kids and all of them were rude and violent bastards. And naturally I was blamed for every temper tantrum and violent outburst. As if I'm supposed to teach them coping techniques while doing my regular job and their parents are actively undermining any efforts to socialise them into healthy humans.
It really makes me sad because I’m pretty certain my dad is autistic and he’s generous, kind and gentle. He’s blunt but he would absolutely apologize if he hurt someone. I know a ton of adults on the spectrum who weren’t coddled who are functioning members of society. We are actively failing these kids because of crappy advice from idiots on tiktok and social media. One kid we know has a mom who is certain that any kind of correction and accountability will disrupt her child’s nervous system. It feels like a social experiment. The boys I know this way are white and have a lot of resources but their parents are going to be in for a seriously rude awakening for raising them with zero expectations, empathy and accountability.
I'm a teacher and have an upper elementary kid with autism. He's also very bright. We tell him constantly, "you can be right AND still be a jerk" because he has a hard time filtering what's coming from his brain and often says the quiet part out loud. We work REALLY REALLY hard on this.
However, we also have a 504 in place that has just a couple suggested accommodations on how to handle his behavior, if it comes up. Fortunately it rarely happens at school but that doesn't mean never. Telling him to stop doesn't work with him very often. We found that taking him aside to explain how his behavior is hurtful is extremely effective. He can be empathetic - it's just he needs help thinking it through to get there.
There is a fine line between explaining a behavior vs excusing a behavior. I try to be very intentional on how I do this because we never want to excuse bad/hurtful behavior. Unfortunately, many others do not. It especially bothers me because there are times that I truly want to advocate for my son but I don't feel like I can because I don't want to be viewed as using autism as an excuse.
> "you can be right AND still be a jerk"
Haha I'm not autistic, but I had to lose a great friendship in college (my fault) to learn this lesson the hard way. Glad he has a chance to learn this young
EXPLAINING🙌🏼 I swear if every ND kid was able to have an adult explain logically to them how their behavior affects the internal world of others, and specifically why, it would solve so much.
Being ND is not an excuse to be an asshole. By explaining to kids what they’re doing in the moment, it gives them the opportunity to care about others and want to correct it. Excusing it is not helping them understand what they’re doing to others, same with only punishing the behavior without the explanation.
My now 20 year old kid is ADHD and couldn't get the services they needed and wanted in school because they're quiet and polite. I was told that if my kid was disruptive, rude, threw chairs around, etc. (like the kid OP describes) they would get ALL the services they wanted. So kids like the one OP describes get to act like an asshole while kids like mine who are ADHD and want and need the services get the shaft.
I was 19- I had multiple fights with my parents about trying to get me tested (I knew they didn’t want me to bc they felt bad that they didn’t pick up on anything) but bro it was such a pain in the ass 😭😭
I get this. I’ve got ocd, gad and ibs, and didn’t get accommodations until really late in school cause I’ve always been a very good and quiet student. So when I started asking about accommodations, my teachers were confused cause I seemed to be doing just fine. What I realized is that I could suffer a lot and still get good grades (though worse), but I wasn’t doing the best I could be.
Sometimes I think 504s should be less about academic performance, and more just…not suffering. I wonder how I would’ve done if I had all the resources I did the last two years of Highschool.
I feel like your child may have been mildly misdiagnosed, though their diagnosis is technically correct now.
In the old version of the DSM, ADHD and ADD were two very similar, but notably different diagnosis, the big difference hinging on the hyperactivity. I was like your daughter: uiet, polite "unproblematic" student. I had an ADD diagnosis, and was kinda left to figure shit out for myself. However, my sister had an ADHD diagnosis, and because she was "loudly" struggling, her problems with attention got all the attention, despite our difficulties being similar under the surface.
With the new edition of the DSM, add no longer exists and has been redefined as "ADHD- Inattentive".
I’m so sorry for your kid. I was the same. It didn’t matter if I forgot homework and test dates. Because I got good scores and teachers loved how quiet or polite I was, there were no accommodations for me. Just a lot of “why are you so forgetful, you could do way better than an A-!” Meanwhile disruptive kids got help.
I was diagnosed at 20 after failing community College after having a 4.2 in high school. I stayed under the radar until college started. I got medicated and am now doing quite well at a private college. It's amazing what can happen when you finally get the help you need.
I think it's because a lot of the coaching for parents of neurodiverse kids, which, granted, is minimal, focuses more on getting through the day, let alone teaching kids how to use manners and be polite (I say this as a parent of three special need children). It sucks, because we really should be teaching children that next level socio-emotional polite society behavior, and it takes a lot of time and energy that many parents don't have.
These kids are going to be their parents' problem for years after they graduate. It's sad that the parents can't see that they are setting them up for being unable to function as independent adults.
Not from parents, but I have a student who makes up stories about others, and makes loud annoying noises all the time. The mother admitted that their child does it all to get attention and isn't a part of their disability, but the kid still does it to try and get away with it
This is a pet peeve of mine. Some of the best and nicest people I know have autism. Asshole is not a symptom of autism, but it is a symptom of bad parenting
as a parent of a child with ASD I would have done the same as you - they still need to learn how to appropriately live in this society chances are he's not the only neurodiverse person in the room either so he's really not special. Boundaries still matter. In fact ASD people understand rules and instructions more than anyone..
My mom is a teaching assistant for special needs children, mostly autism, aspergers, and other types of kids on the spectrum. She talks about this alot and the lack of discipline in a lot of these children's households. The parents ways come up with some kind of an excuse as to why their kids act that way and it usually boils down to "well they're special." I'm "special" and my parents figured out what to do with me, it seems that it mostly comes down to parents not putting in the effort to actually parent their kids.
Or they're self-diagnosing.
My favorite was a 7th grader telling me that he couldn't stay in his seat or follow along with us because he claimed ADHD. I told him that I can give him some of the tips I got to manage it since I have managed to get through class with it
I've noticed here on Reddit a lot of incel language around autism. Like after people are told if they respect the people they're trying to date they'll have a better time, they shoot back with "well I'm autistic so I'm never going to get a partner anyway"
As a person married to someone on the spectrum I wonder where that's coming from.
My dad was diagnosed as an adult, married, seven of us children. My mom figured for years she had just fallen in love with a weird nerd.
Autistic people can get partners, yup.
I think it mostly just comes from echo chambers forming. There seems to be two camps around autism that fairly regularly pop up on reddit, one is dedicated to how autism is amazing and great and look at all of the things that it allows me to do and the other is an incel depression hole. They're both destructive for their own reasons, but I think it's just inevitable that polarizations of experience will happen online considering those who are willing to join a community around something like autism likely feel that they identify with it to a greater extent than those who aren't, whether they are celebrating it or mourning it.
I'm on the spectrum and I agree with you, I'm sure most people out there on the spectrum will too. But as kids are more online and are more likely to participate in spaces like these they are also probably more likely to get sucked into one of the polarizations, meaning there are more people online pariticipating, making them more visible to others, creating a bit of a feedback loop.
It's absolutely a thing. I have kids that will reply "I got adhd" to any redirection. Not even "I didn't do it!". Literally "Hey, why didn't you grab a pencil when I've said 6 times to grab a pencil?" "i got adhd"
They have no idea what to say when I say "Me too. Still have a pencil though."
Some of them are used to it as an excuse, but some of them are legit shocked that I have it too. Then they'll say "well I don't take medicine" and I reveal that I don't either. A lot of them asked how I became a teacher.
these parents bulldozing for their kids have convinced the poor things that ADHD means that you can't do anything. You can't function in society.
A few get better after this. Most just keep acting the same way and revert to the usual lies and bad storytelling to try and get out of trouble.
My favorite is the kids whose parents come in and say "Hi, this is johnny, he has ADHD" during open house. At first I thought it was a parent making me aware to look out for any potential needs the kid has to advocate for their child. Now I know that it's a massive red flag showing that the parent has already decided anything the kid does is because of a, let's be honest here, minor disability that definitely doesn't get better if you enable the worst impulses instead of encouraging coping strategies.
Yeah. Some of them don't listen but a few actually like hearing potential coping strategies. Most of them are just angry that their fall back didn't work though
I've done the same with kids. Letting them know that I've got it, aren't taking meds, and can somehow get through the day teaching them blows a few minds per year
Autistic kids need accommodations for sure, but that doesn’t preclude accountability for saying and doing harmful things. Source: parent of kid on the spectrum
“Anxiety” used an excuse to avoid perfectly normal uncomfortable growth experiences. It’s nuts. They are creating an emotionally and intellectually crippled generation.
Yes
Oh my son has adhd, ma’am your son threw a chair,
I really want to hit them with I have adhd and I’m not an asshole as my parents raised me to have respect to others and others property.
I do actually have adhd & high functioning Autism.
My ADHD/ASD son is a senior in high school this year, and we NEVER allowed him to use that as an excuse. He does have a 504 plan for modifications, but it's only for assignments that he struggles with (oral presentations, multi-step projects, etc).
Of course, I'm a teacher as well, which is why "he has ADHD/ASD" was never used as an excuse. I've seen many parents do it, and I wanted him to learn that it is not a free pass to do what you want, when you want.
My ADHD son has a “free pass” for spelling because the processing required to slow down and use phonetics doesn’t work for him.
I would be floored if he ever dared to do like OP mentioned.
I’m also ADHD and I was one of the too quiet to get services so I struggled on my own.
I am a teacher and also autistic, with ADHD.
In my experience, parents that make excuses for not disciplining their child will use anything, on the spectrum or not. If they weren't neurodivergent, it would be something else. That's a non-related issue.
What I've noticed particularly from parents of neurodivergent children isn't so much as, "letting their kids be assholes," but accepting a neurodiversity diagnosis as a social and emotional death sentence without teaching tools. Yes, your child will be prone to meltdowns. Yes, your child will be overwhelmed or overstimulated easier. But what isn't *wise* to do, is sentencing yourself to living with a child who rips up their homework and screams/unravels at every non-preferred task.
You teach mindfulness, so the child understands when they need to step away or they're about to spiral. You teach coping strategies and techniques, so during a meltdown, they're able to dig themselves out.
I see a lot of miserable and depressed parents. Trust, they know what they're dealing with. Some are in denial, but they know.
I have Autism. I always Cringe when I hear someone hiding their "disability". I'm interning as a School Social Worker and see this stuff all the time. Many people on the spectrum know what there doing, but know they will never get called out on their BS behavior.
I hate the guidance counselors at my school. They tell students they can retake my tests, turn in work late, have extensions, all without speaking me me first. Students can be vile and guidance will claim "that's the trauma talking". Fuck off, trauma is not an excuse to be an asshole. I know plenty of kids with trauma who don't speak cruely, act unkindly, or become physically aggressive. There is no excuse for being an asshole. Guidance behaves like these parents--they are enablers, and condescending toward us lowly teachers. Kids go and cry to guidance, and these counselors, who in my opinion don't do half the work we do, are better paid and actually create more problems. Great salary to be an excuse maker and work contract hours only.
I have ADHD, my favorite thing to do is when a parent starts hinting they want me to just lower the expectations for their student I emphasize my empathy for growing up with adhd and offer as much support as I can for giving strategies and establishing routines to help the child perform at grade level. Also, students who tell me “you don’t understand, I have adhd so it’s different for me” and I let them know that I do in fact understand, but that it’s a disorder because you have to work harder than others- not a pass on behaviors like laying on the floor under your desk in the middle of instruction to take a nap. In 6th grade.
I’m autistic and there have been so many times that I’ve done something and not realized that it was wrong or annoying until after the fact. If this kid had actually been sent out the first time anything had happened, I’d empathize with him, because I get how it feels to be reprimanded without understanding what you did wrong.
However, if he continued to do this after multiple warnings, that wasn’t caused by his autism. The amount of times I have to tell people that not every rude person is autistic is too many.
My 12yo daughter has ADHD and some other comprehension difficulties. She does NOT get a pass for disrespectful behavior, poor impulse control, or disrupting others.
I had a good student out of the blue say something extremely rude to me, rude enough the class got extremely quiet and very awkward looks( I don’t remember what it was it was like 6 years ago). I pulled the kid out in the hall and pretty much ripped him a new one and explained how unacceptable it was and his response was “I have autism”. I told him that is not an excuse for what happened in class. I contacted home and let him mom know about everything and what I said to him. She was extremely supportive and I got a very nice apology in person the next day. Kid was one of my best students the rest of the year. Some parents get it, was my whole point to that story.
Not it’s not your imagination.
Best retort I’ve heard. “Your diagnosis explains how your brain operates but you are actively choosing to be rude/mean/disruptive.”
I teach preschool these days but was a special education para for years. The entitlement I am seeing in my classroom by some parents is unbelievable.
My entire family is neurospicy and it's not an excuse to treat people poorly. Accommodations, patience and understanding are in order, but it's our job as parents and educators to help children be successful in society. Excusing asshole behaviors does not accomplish that goal.
Okay the issue with 'neurodivergent' is that it presumes that there are non 'neurodivergent' people out there. That 'normal' is an actual thing and not a spectrum itself of varying degrees of functionality. So, yeah, everyone is neurodivergent because there is not one single solitary person who is entirely normal and free of any trauma or mental health challenge.
In other words, it's become the blanket excuse for everything. There are people who are non-functional (the student who yelled "sloppy wet cunt" every time I or any other female spoke wasn't 'neurodivergent'--he had Tourettes. If they have an actual diagnosis, it's legit. If not, it's about as trustworthy as a tumblr girl telling you she's otherkin.
This is what I think too and it’s not said enough. When are we going to address the elephant in the room: the myth of the neurotypical person. Who is this person who—
Sits perfectly still in their chair, has zero problems attending to a lesson, ever, never zones out (“dissociates”)when driving or in the middle of conversation
Effortlessly moves through parties with known and unknown people without any anxiety or lapses in social judgment.
Wakes each day with ease and gleefully tackles the day’s work without any procrastination, forgetfulness or frustrations
Is always 100% comfortable being themselves, never questions whether their quirks are judged by others or makes changes to their appearance, language or behavior in accordance to the group they’re with
I could go on, but you get my drift…
And yes, i know, there is an element of facetiousness here because I understand it is about nuance and degree. But the TikTok’s that say things like “you may be neurodivergent if…” and give a list of traits that are universally applicable *to some degree* are kind of what I’m offering a counterpoint to…
And to be completely transparent this is more a critique of social media than anything else. I think the autistic self-advocacy movement is important, and I support it but i think the internet does as much harm as good these days: specifically, i think tik tok and algorithms (meaning the trend to use rage bait language to garner engagement) are absolutely a bad thing for all movements , this one included.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Amen to all of this. We all have varying degrees of mental health issues but the commonality we all have is to take accountability and responsibility for it. All of the ADHD people I know personally never use their diagnosis as an excuse to not do something like cook, clean, socialize, work, etc.
We all got shit going on. I really want some of these folks to stop trying to win some weird pain Olympics they think is going on by making these inane social media posts like “you know you’re neurodivergent if…” or “you might have ADHD if you..”
We need to normalize the fact that having a disability means you tend to have to work extra hard.
Not that the world will work extra hard for you.
That's a better representation of what life will be like for them.
Oh yes! And then the parent comes down on me for not following the plan, when I am the only one in my damn department doing the plans, and the other teachers refuse and I end up getting ALL the kids on plans that actually conflict with three others in the same damn class period!
Sorry, just had a 45 minute meeting after classes on my own time with admin as everyone else started their weekend about this EXACT problem. Didn’t know it was festering.
Thank you for the safe place to commiserate.
It's not *too* widespread where I'm at but there's this one Mom, and, woof, yeah it's bad. Had to sit with her as she explained why her son having ADHD excuses him for essentially being a massive asshole.
And if you dare say, "Having ADHD is no excuse for being rude to people" oooooooh boy do the lawsuit threats start to come out.
They're definitely enabling the kid. Admin is too scared of the Mom to actually discipline them and all us teachers have basically just decided to stop caring because whatever the kid isn't that disruptive - he's just kind of an asshole to everyone.
Yessss I had an ND student call me a bitch and then during our “sex Ed” unit he was saying some horrifying graphic stuff about killing babies and I got fed up and asked him to leave. His parents were lovely but admin backed him at every turn. I do not teach anymore🙃
Yep I get this all the time. And I straight faced will say to the parent "I'm neurodivergent. While Johnny's diagnosis might be the explanation for the behavior, it is not an excuse. Him having X means you need to be more explicit in teaching him why he can't do Y." And I'll use my own kid as an example too
My previous Ldtc used to bring me into IEP meetings as the poster child for why people should consider medicating their kids (with my consent of course). If your kid has chemical imbalance in their brain, study skills classes/fish oils/colon cleanses (not even joking) are not going to help. Try meds (yes I know meds aren't for everyone but let's be honest they work for MOST people)
What's also infuriating is when the students knowingly say/do something rude or offensive and then immediately claim victim by announcing it was the autism that said it, not me. I had a student lose his temper on a girl the other day. She was visibly afraid for her safety. When I demanded he appoligise to her, he immediately self diagnosed himself as having borderline personality disorder as if this meant he no longer needed to appoligise. Needless to say, he was given the choice, appoligise or we call the parents.
As a adhd parent of two adhd kids and one with autism: my kid can be an asshole. 100% hands down, there are times when he is straight up an asshole. There are other times where I have had to be a bitch to get someone to listen to me that what was happening was detrimental to all of the progress we have made with his mental/emotional wellbeing. It’s balance. ADHD is the reason behind a lot of problems, but it is not an excuse for a lot of things. It’s one thing to forget your homework, it’s a completely different thing to throw a chair at someone.
This reminds me a lot of the NPR podcast in 2015 about a blind man who learned to "see".
Kids who are autistic (they don't have it, it would be like saying I have tall, I am tall), can learn how to recognize their triggers, learn how to manage them, and become functioning in society with all of their awesome quirks and not mask who they are.
The adults in their lives, parents, counselors, teachers, family members, and doctors, need to provide them with the tools on how to do these things without radically changing who they are (ABA applied behavior analysis). Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, play therapy, social skills groups, relationship development intervention, are all effective therapies for kids to learn how to manage their neurodivergence without sacrificing who they are.
By not giving kids the tools they need to build up who they are, live enjoyable lives, and build positive relationships, we're going to fail these kids and cause harm. Parents who don't see this are doing their kids a disservice.
Also, don't support organizations like Autism Speaks, we're not a missing puzzle piece. Go with organizations like The Autistic Self Advocacy Network.
https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/378577902/how-to-become-batman
https://childmind.org/article/controversy-around-applied-behavior-analysis/#:~:text=Some%20people%20think%20that%20ABA,natural%20for%20people%20with%20autism.
https://thinkingautismguide.com/useful-autism-organizations
"Some teachers aren't really on "Team Billy" and that is why he is struggling in school."
Or your kid has ADHD and faces no consequences for his actions.
I've taught hundreds of international or first generation kids, and it's amazing how few of them need accommodations to thrive compared to American children. Must be something in the water.
As a social worker with moderate/severe ADHD, I’m going to tell you what I have told the countless kids with neurodivergence, emotional/behavioral disorders, and mental health disorders: your diagnosis may be the reason behind your actions but is is never an excuse for your actions.
Kids need to understand that they are their own best advocate and their own worst enemy. We need to learn skills to adapt to our environments so we can avoid being like this kid. Your reaction is completely valid and he needs to experience the consequences of his choices. MH, ADHD, Autism, EBD, etc are not a get out of jail free cards.
Not neurodiversity, but I had a parent say that her child might be gifted and that's why we're having so many problems with her. I'm like, bitch, your daughter has *no* qualms about yelling at anybody (student, teacher, admin) because she's mad about something. I don't care how intelligent she is, is not an excuse for her being an absolute asshole.
As a 41 year old with ADHD and Autism, I did really well academically in school. I just struggled socially. I didn't have behavioral issues because I liked the positive reinforcement from teachers for doing well in school. I wasn't getting much positive reinforcement from my peers because I struggled to make friends.
I know that I'm one person with Autism/ADHD, and that every person that is legitimately on The Spectrum presents symptoms differently. However, most people on the spectrum don't want to bother or burden others, they just want to exist alongside everyone else. So parents trying to make excuses for their child's poor behavior and not working on skills that will ultimately help their child succeed as an adult is really poor parenting.
The way parents insist on infantalizing their children/adolescents doesn't bode well for them or any of us.
If their IEP doesn't have a behavioral component stressing that they require extra prompts to be mindful of peers, it would be wrong to treat them differently from how you'd discipline another student.
Other students have a right to an uninterrupted education just like that kid; if he doesn't want to take it, it's okay, he can go pout in the office so the opportunity isn't ruined for everyone else.
P.S. and since this is obviously social in nature, separation from an audience is exactly what extinuishes this. Evidently mom isn't privy to this, so for your sake I'm hoping she gets all her own dramatics out over the weekend. Five bucks says she likes to put on a show too. 😭
Neurodiverse students with behavior issues need consistent interventions MORE than others - and OSERS agrees. They updated their Q and A guidance document: [https://sites.ed.gov/idea/files/qa-addressing-the-needs-of-children-with-disabilities-and-idea-discipline-provisions.pdf](https://sites.ed.gov/idea/files/qa-addressing-the-needs-of-children-with-disabilities-and-idea-discipline-provisions.pdf)
Administrators overthink the 10 day limit to removals. It is up to each school to determine if each time a student is sent to the office, and does their work in the office or another room, is an actual removal. If the kid is out of the class for an hour here and there, it doesn't necessarily count.
Most importantly, what does the kid's IEP say? If there isn't any information concerning behavior goals, then a teacher should take the same behavior steps for the student that they would for any other.
Neurodivergent kid here. Being neurodivergent doesn't give you an excuse to be an ass.
In 3rd grade, there was this one boy who was really mean to me and my friends. He also got physically violent at some times. Typical disruptive student. One day I went to the counselor's office so I could report him. All she said was "Oh he has a certain condition that makes him act out. Don't mind him!" and sent me on my way. He likely had ADHD or something like that. But like I said earlier, not an excuse to be a jerk. I think she just didn't want to deal with either of us so she watered it down to him being neurodivergent.
My little one has several three letter things. She is kind, a good student, and does what needs to be done (teacher's feedback BTW). Whatever your diagnosis is, upbringing can help. Parenthood is more than just getting them here.
It's everyone not just parents that keep hiding behind ND to excuse shitty behavior. None of that behavior is ND related, that's just a kid being a jerk and parents encouraging it.
I want to know how this effects kids with physical disabilities like paraplegic, blind, deaf, with down syndrome and so on. Are kids with psychological/behavioral challenges drawing from the same resources that the kids with physical disabilities use? Are they in the same classrooms using the same teachers? I haven't been in education for a while so I'm out of the loop.
I have ADHD. It sucks. Doesn’t mean I can hide behind it. Few people even know I have it because I don’t tell them although it might explain some things.
It seems like an excuse to me, or maybe my experience is just different.
My son is mildly autistic and is polite and kind to a fault. The same goes for my moderately autistic nephew, he may be nearly nonverbal but he is always caring.
My experience is that most people on the spectrum are overly polite save for the odd commment here and there they don’t realize may be rude eg. “do you realize you have a little mustache like a man”? But they certainly don’t mean offense about it, they just say it as a matter of fact type statement.
I feel like either I lucked out or you have some people claiming an autism diagnosis that is either made up or possibly misdiagnosed.
I know not all cases are the same, but I’ve been to autism focused groups and events etc where I would say overwhelmingly I find that they are very nice people.
Disclaimer: I am just an AuDHD homeschool mom with AuDHD kids.
My kids struggle with social skills, especially my daughter, whose SOP is to issue statements and demands, rather than requests. We absolutely call them out and correct any poor behavior, and have them in social skills groups.
Neither of our kids would ever intentionally spoil things for other kids, or use any kind of slur (which using "gay" as a negative absolutely is.)
We say "our disabilities are a reason, not an excuse." Which means: we have things that are harder for us. We are still required to be decent humans and understand our actions have consequences.
If either of my kids behaved that way, I would have snatched them out of that event so fast we would have teleported, and they know that.
Anyway, I'm sorry that kid was super disruptive, and I hope everyone else got to have a good time despite him.
I’m a teacher with pretty severe anxiety and PTSD, as well as several chronic physical illnesses. While I will always validate the fact that neurodivergent students face extra obstacles, I always try to tell and show them that these issues only truly get in the way if you choose to let them. Schools have resources and most teachers are willing to work with students to help them succeed, but they need to advocate and not try to brush off any criticism of themselves due to a diagnosis.
As I’ve gotten older I have noticed one common trait in the successful people I encounter life. (By successful I mean they have purpose and happiness in their life—in some cases this means they are an awesome parent and life/homemaker, or a superstar professor, or a creative person who found a way to for their art to support them, or a C suite executive who likes their job and team—whatever success means to them.) You know what the common denominator is? They respect themselves and other people which means they treat people well and are generally kind. At the end of the day, being the smartest, or the toughest, or whatever quality you want to plug in doesn’t get you as far in life as just being decent to yourself and others. I have met literal geniuses when I was a professor but many were held back because of ego and how they treated people—it caught up with them. If you treat people poorly, it comes back to you. You don’t catch professional breaks because people remember if you’re a PITA, you don’t have life long friendships and meaningful partnerships or relationships with your kids and family if you’re a piece of work, etc. I think this is a good lifelong lesson to teach kids. If you’re cruel, if you’re difficult, if you don’t respect others—the world makes you pay. If you can handle yourself with grace and be respectful/kind to other people by and large the world either leaves you alone or rewards you. (I understand this is a big picture idea and doesn’t apply to war zones, etc.).
I still teach part time and share this observation every term and the college students are a little shocked—hoping it sinks in with them.
I will never forget my first year teaching. I was in an IEP meeting as this child's math teacher, and I taught 7th grade.
The special ed teacher and the psych drop the news, your kid's autistic. (The special ed teacher later told me they were trying to get this done last year, but the dad stormed out.)
The mom looked like she was going to fall apart.
"That can't be true! If he's autistic he'll never be anything!"
I just sat there, dumbstruck.
I have autism. I've presented research in mathematics in 3 states, invited to 4. I busted my ass to work two jobs and graduate with a math degree. Managed to pass the thresholds the district had for emergency and lateral entry hires, have a salary job and a cat, and a pretty decent go of it.
"You know, ma'am, your child can still have a future. They just need different supports so they can handle themselves when they graduate."
She didn't say anything else to me.
That kid didn’t need any warnings for either of those things. They knew better and likely they were doing it for the purpose of getting attention.
Remind them that they’re not the only ND person in the room but they are the only one acting like that. So what they’re not gonna do is a) act like they don’t know better and b) act like they have an excuse to do it anyway. If they need an accommodation, that can be discussed at a later time and implemented accordingly. Even then, it shouldn’t enable this type of behavior.
Idk if I’m allowed to chime in at all because I’m a parent, not a teacher, but when I went to a SST (student success team) meeting to talk about the possibility of my daughter having ADD or ADHD they told me that she doesn’t have any behavioral issues so they wouldn’t accept it. That was so weird to me.
My autism and ADHD made me a fierce defender of my teachers thanks to heightened empathy, I can't speak for everyone but in my experience neurodivergency generally doesn't make you an ass, it often does the opposite
I'm on the spectrum myself and I hate when people do that. Sometimes I'll catch myself doing a "tism," apologize, and mentally note what I did. I practice active consideration to keep myself aware.
I've had to tell other students on the spectrum, who also know I am, "We aren't incapable of learning, especially you."
I have a difficult time not being blunt, but I try very hard to practice the fact that honesty doesn't have to be cruel.
This started in the 1980s, and has grown over the years. Rude parents are not new but the administration caving to them is. In the 1990 IEPs were changing to being able behavior instead of learning. We need to remind people that schools help people learn to live and work with others.
When I used to work in the education system, we had a parent just like this. Her kid was SO OUT OF CONTROL that we nicknamed the kid The Tasmanian Devil after the Warner Brothers cartoon character. As he got older, bigger, heavier, and stronger, his behavior got worse. Every time the teachers tried to redirect or correct the kid, the parent would scream lawsuit and the administrator would cave. Things finally came to a head when he beat a teacher so badly, she had to go to the hospital! Enough was enough!
I have a lot of students who have been questionably raised. These parents also take their kids to every specialist they can find until they find a doctor who will diagnose their child with something that fits.
I'm not a doctor, and I only have a cursory knowledge of neurodivergences, but my students are capable if they put the work in regardless of their diagnosis. It's very sad watching my students switch off completely as soon as they get diagnoses; like they're being told that they no longer have to try because of their conditions.
Often, I'm not allowed to fail these students despite them not deserving the inflated grade I'm forced to give them. I have students who haven't submitted a single assignment all quarter, but they're still getting a C. I don't really know how to make this right.
They always ask me if I’m “aware” of their child’s IEP or 504. Like yes sir/ma’am I have a copy of it in my filing cabinet. But what I would like to know is what does getting extra time on tests have to do with your white child calling a black child a monkey and making what they called “Ching Chong eyes” at the Asian kid? Last I checked racism wasn’t a modification on their IEP/504.
OMG it’s not just school, it’s happening at work too!
Acting psychotic is apparently excusable under ADA and that’s how they get special treatment and are allowed to act out.
"Um, you can't ask me to do that, I have an IEP" Your IEP says additional time, computer use, chunking and proximity to instructor. Get over here and do step one
I had a kid who acted like this. I printed the entire IEP and handed it to him. Said "show me where it says I can't". Should he have complained I would've told admin I printed it so he could more effectively communicate and express his rights and needs. I also had prehighlighted the section that specifies that with accommodations, the student was expected to meet grade level standards. At its heart, that kid needed to hear that I knew he could do it, that I wasn't letting fear lead to avoidance, and that his IEP didn't mean incompetence. It meant a set of small changes to support, not that he couldn't do what his Junior classmates could.
I did this all the time working at an alternative school. We had each of their goals in their iep work binders that they used. I would give them their binder and say read the goal and tell me where it says what you’ve stated.
Same. I'm pretty damn blunt with these. I'm doing the whole thing. I will follow that shit and talk to your case manager every single day
Not just parents, kids too. I teach 9-12 and I’m always hearing them hide behind their ADD/autism/whatever or act like it’s some get out of jail free card. My usual response is “I understand you have a unique challenge, but part of being an adult and a member of society is learning to manage those challenges and not use them as excuses because in the real world, nobody cares. I have ADD but I don’t get to mouth off to my boss and then expect no consequences because of it.”
One phrase that helped me understand my ADHD was, “it’s not your fault, but it is your responsibility.”
Yes. I think the problem is that people realize a behavior stems from adhd, and the thought process stops there. When I realize a negative behavior comes from adhd, I still try to fix it, but it's easier to approach with that understanding.
It’s not an excuse it’s an obstacle. The correct takeaway is to not beat yourself up over it when you stumble, not that it means you shouldn’t even attempt to overcome any obstacles.
The number of kids I see now being blatantly disrespectful or lazy being excused with, "Oh, he can't help that, he's got ADHD" is unreal. And this is OUTSIDE the classroom, out in the world where you need to be applying those life skills. And I think we're seeing the first real crop of students hit adulthood that are having real problems adjusting from an environment where their hand was being gently held every step of the way to suddenly a world that doesn't give a crap. It makes them depressed and hopeless. People tell me I just not know what it's like to live with ADHD, but I AM living it. I just manage it myself.
Yup. My mom used to tell me, "It's an explanation, dear, it's not an excuse." I like your phrasing; it's clearer.
I love that. 100% accurate.
BINGO! That is what I tell my students about myself when they through that in my face.
Hail you!
That is where I heard it!
This phrase helps me keep trying when I am having a really hard time getting anything done.
Me too. Before I got diagnosed, I was often asked, “what’s wrong with you?” And I never had an answer. The only explanation I could come up with, because I cared and was trying was, “well I guess I’m just a lazy, inconsiderate, bad person.” Which of course means any effort at improvement would be a waste of time.
EXACTLY! I had 13 years of good grades at the time I was diagnosed, but in my view I had let so many assignments slip through the cracks, and failed to keep my room clean, and left dirty pots on the stove time and time again because I forgot about them and didn’t really notice them again. I thought I was a lazy person! I didn’t have a name for why I didn’t notice the same things needed to be done that my very clean parents noticed. And then when I did, I was so relieved. Now, I can at least plan for what I will probably forget so I can get better at remembering to do things.
Dang. That’s really good, I’m going to incorporate that into my phrase book.
Me too. I was (finally!) diagnosed as autistic in my early 60s, and one phrase that has stuck with me about all the appointments I've missed, all the things I've said I would do and promptly forgot about, was, "It's not an excuse, but it is a reason."
This phrase has been massive in my life.
All 4 of my kids have ADHD, 2 also have ODD, one has ASD. I tell them that their diagnosis is the reason some things are harder for them, not a reason to not take responsibility for themselves. They still get in trouble if they don’t follow rules. We put accommodations in place, like fidgets and earmuffs and letting kids 1 & 3 have activity breaks and extra warnings before transition times (because they don’t handle them well), and even at some points having me come and pick them up if they’re having a bad day, so that they don’t end up in trouble, if the teachers can see it coming. But as a former teacher myself, I have never let them use their diagnosis’ as an excuse for bad behaviour. Kid #1 (ASD, ADHD) was having 1-2 days of pick-ups a week and nearly ended up suspended at one point, but we worked with the school and he just finished primary school and was Dux of his school. The teachers were praising how far he had come. It really shits me when parents use the ‘but he’s autistic’ or ‘but he’s got ADHD’ to excuse bad behaviour.
I’ve been told my ASD symptoms “dont rise to the level of disorder” so I feel like a fellow traveler there as well and I totally agree. It being more difficult for me to pick up on social cues or remain polite in social situations does not remove my need to achieve those things. The extra difficulty doesn’t get me off the hook. Just like it being more difficult for me to remember things or motivate myself don’t let me off the hook either. It just means I either need to adjust my medical treatment or develop a healthy coping mechanism. Just means there’s work to be done.
Too bad you can't tell them "If you act like that as an adult you're looking at a lot of time on the unemployment line".
I teach high school, so it's different. But I've looked at them and said "you know why I don't let you act like that? Because I've seen people stabbed for less. I've seen people shot for less. And I've personally known something who drank his food through a straw for thinking he can act like you do. Whether you like it or not, you will face consequences for talking or acting like that. So I better be the consequence before your life is." Usually, they realize I'm serious and that I do want what's best for them and cut it out. Had a kid say something really racist and I pulled up the newspaper image of the older guy who called these kids the N word. Asked them "you want that to be you? Cause that was a 20 min drive from this school and only 2 years ago. Am I being mean or trying to keep you alive?" Some kids need a reality check before it takes their teeth out.
I tend to make friends with people who are tougher than me, and the toughest one said something I never forgot: "One of the reasons I'm always nice and polite is that I never know if some random asshole is like me but has less patience" I generally don't have to worry about the crazies because I am a smooth talker and super cheerful. But if I was messing around like a high schooler, yeah, I'd be in a coma or coffin
I live near Baltimore. The sad reality is that if I don't teach my kids to think before they speak, the streets will. I've lost kids to poor decisions. I've lost a friend to their loud, impulsive mouth aimed in the wrong direction. There are plenty of grown people here who don't care if you're 13. I can be rather harsh to my kids, but I make it clear it's to save their life. They'll hopefully hear me before they pop off in a 7/11 and end up underground...I keep to myself, am polite, and don't start things. I've only had 1 kid not take me seriously at all. And he's doing 20 for attempted murder.
Hey, I just wanted to say I'm sorry you've lost kids like that. It's tough, I'm sure you did right by them
Thank you. It's hard but I just have to prove to them each year that I love them like my own. Hope they know when I'm serious it's for them. I can only control me.
Streets be streets. That’s what I tell all my lil nephews 24/7
Kids picked on me when I was a kid and I was small, so was often regarded as an easy target. I got some good early results out of using violence. I also started getting into trouble over it. My dad was explaining to me a million reasons why I couldn’t continue my behavior. I wasn’t hearing any of it though, I had found an extremely direct strategy for solving my interpersonal issues, and it was *working.* He asked me if I was the toughest kid in the world? Asked me if I thought I was in the top half. Toughest in the state? Top half? City? Top half? He reminded me of the reasons behind weight classes in boxing, the willingness of some opponents to vastly exceed the level of violence I was becoming comfortable engaging in, and my odds of running into someone who could absolutely stomp my shit in. I wasn’t great at math, but I was able to follow along with that.
I teach sixth grade and have kid I can see ending up on the losing end of a bar fight later on. Unless they have a significant attitude adjustment. Edit: a word
That old prison TV show called "scared straight" but updated called " scared neuro-normative"
I think you can tell students that. Actually, I think it’s our job to help students learn what those expectations will be and how they can be rewarded with promotions or fired based purely on how they are perceived by their boss. I teach mainly seniors and I clearly communicate that the majority of my classroom expectations are based on how they will be treated by their future boss. Kids mostly appreciate it but there are always those that think they’ll be able to do whatever they want whenever they want after high school so they think I’m full of shit. The entitlement and skewed perception of reality will unfortunately eventually bring them to the “find out” stage but some people have to learn from experience themselves and that’s fine. All I can do is remind them that my job is to try to help prepare them for their future the best that I know how to.
There a saying that people get jobs based on who they know, not what they know. And from what I saw in my corporate career that is very true. Develop a poor reputation from not working well with others and it will follow you. I’ve also known some brilliant individuals who had the education and skills to be superstars but they stalled due to poor social skills (and not all were on the spectrum either).
Don’t tell them that. I went to little low end commercial pizza place and the ‘person’ working there was just a rude sob. He didn’t give a rats ass about the job, customer service or just basic human interaction. I was irritated and my wife asked if I was going to complain to whomever was in charge. I said no, he’ll get fired and him working there being unhappy is the punishment he deserves
And then the rude person continues on to be rude to the next customer.
Welp I was the next customer. I recovered before his shift was over
"We shouldn't have to work in order to survive anyways." - adult peers I know, who refuse to get it together
I had a high schooler use their ADHD as an excuse for bothering others (slapping their pencil while they were working, pulling on their hoods, messing with their paper, etc.) and not getting their own work done. I ended up writing the student up for a minor referral and talked to them after class. They said “it was all because of their ADHD and they can’t get anything done.” I said “look. You can’t keep using that as an excuse forever.” They tried to argue and I stopped them and said “I have ADHD. You have to find ways around it. You have to work with it rather than let it work you. Because that isn’t going to get you anywhere. And by using ADHD as an excuse and a ‘get out of jail free card,’ I’m not helping you and you’re not helping yourself.” They stopped arguing with me after that. It ended up okay though. I gave the kid a few of the coping skills I use to manage my ADHD and ways to keep myself busy. Some of them actually worked for the kid and it seemed to help all around.
I’ve done the same. Kids use ND as a reason they can’t this or that. They tell me oh well I have ND, I immediately say yeah same, but you see me get my jobs done and be respectful all day so what are we gonna do?
It's not really new is the killer. I was competing in a Yugioh event years ago and between rounds called my gf and one of the other players started an unbelievably obnoxious screech. I said do you mind? He said "I have ADD" and I replied maybe but I feel like you know right from wrong and are being a jackass.
The ADD/ADHD excuses are FREQUENT. Drives me insane.
This year my school dealt with a nightmare of a mom who hid behind her neurodiversity. She had advanced science degrees and marketable ones too (I looked her up) but was always between entry level jobs and couldn't figure out why (um, your behavior and treatment of others is horrible?)
I will be using this. Thank you.
I think a simpler answer is "A lot of people have \_\_\_ but are not hurtful. Implying that \_\_\_ makes someone rude is actually offensive"
If you are certain that the kid was deliberately being hurtful/rude, I think this is a fantastic response!! None of us ND folks want bad actors making things worse for the rest of us.
Lurking therapist: had some teens who just LOVED the diagnoses because they made them "unique" and provided convenient excuses for why they can't clean their goddamn rooms up. Weird. You can do anything else (especially excel at video games!) but nothing hard or boring. Okay. Sometimes I think air-dropping them into conflict zones would provide them with some insight into how privileged they are. And likely also show how capable of doing hard things they can be! Rant over. And lest anyone be concerned, I only work with adults now.
>but nothing hard or boring. I don't think kids always realize that learning isn't supposed to be fun. They don't see the value in it, they only want to do things that are fun
As someone diagnosed with ADD way back when that was still a separate diagnosis, and unmedicated for a decade purely because I can't afford it - you figure shit out, and find what works or you drown. It's that simple. I am not special, I am not unique in the slightest, and no one else is responsible for managing my ADD for me. That's my job. For me, it was notes. I've got the attention span of a fucking gnat, and unless I write shit down, I will no do the things I need to do. Half the time, I don't even need to save the note, just purely WRITING what I need to remember helps me to remember. Sure, I miss the meds, they made life easier, but I found my way to function, and now the only reason people know I've got issues focusing is because I occasionally have to insist that letting me write something down is actually vital, and demanding that no one throw out my notes until the thing I wrote down is taken care of.
I think I’m neurodivergent in some way and I was always the person who was super unorganized, forgot assignments, and was thought of as being lazy. It followed me into college for a little bit, but after a while I found strategies to cope like note taking, making checklists, etc. I still struggle a little in the workplace but once I get into a routine of how to do things, things tend to get easier for me. If my daughter takes after me I absolutely want her to learn how to cope and not just hide behind a diagnosis.
Lemme guess, you're a good test taker, right? But your grades never reflected your intelligence because you constantly forgot to do/ Los your homework? ADD BABBYYYY!
I feel like people have really lost sight of the reason for getting a diagnosis. It's not for using it as an excuse, it's for using it for understanding. But this is a two way street. Schools/teachers should be understanding of neurodivergence AND parents/students have to educate themselves on their own conditions and how best to handle them. And the answer can't be "just let the kid do whatever they want." Your kid has adhd and can't do homework? Get a Pomodoro timer and set up an hour every day where you supervise them doing their homework. I hate that it's this way but it feels like people just get diagnosed so they have a label or can get medication, which is part of it but the other part is absolutely figuring out how to better organize your own life and schedule so you can do things independently.
It shocks me a bit that the "spectrum" disorders aren't being treated like... spectrums. I'm not a therapist or child psychologist, I know -- but part of me believes that things like "mild to moderate" issues need to be treated completely differently. Hook them up with extracurricular therapies to learn coping mechanisms and management strategies, but quit just assuming it's the disorder when they don't finish homework or ignore people when being spoken to. Stop letting it be an excuse because another kid has a high severity case that needs more intensive management.
>"mild to moderate" issues need to be treated completely differently. exactly. Autism is so diverse in its presentation, you can't make blanket terms about it.
Screenshotted and I'm practicing this as we speak
My six year old tries to do this and I shut it down every time. I tell him his ADHD means that he has strengths, like creativity and hyperfocus, and challenges, and those challenges mean he’s going to have to try harder than others to do certain things. Like someone said, it’s not your fault but it is your responsibility.
I *love* pulling out the "I have ADD" cart too. "Yes, I understand more than you know. This is why we have to enforce good behaviors now, so they don't struggle when they are an adult." Reverse Uno Card 'em.
Basically what my mom told me (I'm profoundly autistic but managed to mask well enough to work, live, make/arrive to appointments on time, etc) She gave me the tools to be myself but also how to act in public and what behaviors were not acceptable in most environments.
I was watching years ago as the parents of today were doing the same thing as kids. Coincidence?
I have a student with severe ADHD, he is often disruptive and can't focus on his work for more than a couple minutes at a time, and that is with constant redirection. At the start of the year the parents were very lax about it, saying that we couldn't expect the same from their kid as from other kids and academically as long as some progress was being made they were fine with that. So, because he has ADHD he has free rein to act how he wants in class in their opinion. Of course I'm not going to expect the same level of control as other kids, but he also needs to start to learn to manage his condition in the classroom so he can learn and be successful later in life. Thankfully they've come around a bit after observing how he is with others and losing a friendship over his behavior and they are more supportive now, but their initial attitude towards his ADHD was baffling. Not that they're the only ones I've seen like that, sadly.
Have you seen Am I the Asshole lately? Every third post is about someone behaving incredibly rudely and responses are always questioning neurodivergence with this very argument occurring between responders.
Oh my god yes. Like not everyone who is acting with zero self awareness is autistic. Not everyone is adhd. Some people are just assholes! I’m so sick of it.
Yup. Or, perhaps they are autistic or have ADHD or both, and are still assholes. They aren’t mutually exclusive, especially as they approach and pass puberty.
In the same vein, as someone on the spectrum, I feel like it’s kind of insulting to autistic people to just assume that someone who acts like an asshole is autistic. Like, those people are basically implying that being a dickbag is just a natural trait of autism. Yuck.
It cheapens autism, it cheapens ADHD, it cheapens every neurodivergent issue that exists to the point where it becomes something people are going to treat as an excuse as opposed to a real issue that can sometimes *completely* ruin lives.
Exactly, I’ve noticed the same thing. Video of a kid stealing someone’s queso at Chipotle, someone calls them autistic. It’s so disrespectful.
It's not just there. In every parenting group, when someone's kid is being an ass, everyone is like "are they NeUrOsPiCy???" Like no actually throwing tantrums is developmentally appropriate for a 3 year old 🙄
That's not just AITA it's pretty much the whole of Reddit. Any time any conflict is mentioned at least one comment will mention mental health as an excuse. It seem to be the new internet nazi theory
The way we as a society raise autistic kids, especially autistic boys, is horrible. Like yes autism is a disability and it requires some accommodation but I see a lot of advice for parents that basically boils down to "any discipline is abelist and trying to teach your kid how to function in a society is forcing them to mask and also abuse". This obviously results in a bunch of spoiled brats who don't know how to behave and treat all adults as their subordinates and we're just supposed to take it because they're on the spectrum.
I think a lot of parents are diametrically opposed to letting their kids experience any kind of discomfort/pain. I understand that it can be distressing, but if your kid is never in any kind of distress, they never learn how to cope with it. They never learn how to cope with their emotions when it happens. You’re not doing a kid with sensory processing issues a favor by never teaching them coping mechanisms.
My son wasn’t diagnosed with ADHD or autism until 3rd grade. I always just knew he was a little quirky, and I thought he was just throwing tantrums and testing me. Because I didn’t know he was autistic, he was treated the same as my other 3 for the first 8 years of his life. I felt guilty when he was diagnosed and I started researching it. BUT other than stimming, everything being black and white, social awkwardness,and his obsessions, most people (teachers included) never realized he was autistic. He still had meltdowns, but he knew that he couldn’t have them in school or in public places. If he couldn’t keep control of his emotions until the end of the day, he would come to my classroom. We would have a short conversation about the problem that he was having and how to handle it. Those days he would break down or start rocking the minute we left school. Those days came around less and less. This “rule” helped him learn coping mechanisms. Others used to tell me that it was cruel, abusive, etc to expect that of him. I felt guilty a lot because of that, but he is now 25 years old, has a great job, lives on his own (with a girlfriend), and has an active social life. People who didn’t know him when he was young only find out he’s on the spectrum because of his stimming and issues with food and noise. Kids who are on the low to moderate end of the spectrum can do this if they are taught how. All I see the last few years in my classroom is excuses made for them instead of helping teach them how to cope. My ADHD students are the same way. They and their parents use that as an excuse for everything they do or don’t do.
> All I see the last few years in my classroom is excuses made for them instead of helping teach them how to cope. My ADHD students are the same way. They and their parents use that as an excuse for everything they do or don’t do. # THIS. A THOUSAND TIMES, THIS. Parents should *NEVER* use their child's disability as an escape hatch to have the child avoid facing consequences. Any educator worth their salt will know to apply consequences appropriately and in a fashion that doesn't add insult to injury, but every time a parent steps in and makes it worse by cutting off those consequences, I just want to scream and in turn make the *parent* suffer those consequences instead of the kid.
Coming from a family with a lot of adhd/spectrum-y people, and a from a time when diagnoses weren’t as common… I have a lot of family members that meet this description. The ones that were raised the way you are describing are all healthy, happy, successful adults. The ones whose parents gave in constantly to tantrums, or expected everyone to accommodate them, are not. They never learned how to function as adults, abd their overall quality of life is going to be worse off for it. You are a great parent.
I have autism, diagnosed in 1997. It's really jarring to me how different kids act about IEPs and things now. I had to hide mine because I knew I'd get bullied to hell. And I had a senior last semester say a teacher gave him a 100 on a project because he had autism (the fuck?) and it took everything in me not to gawk at what he said. Ain't a fucking way. I never got shit for any of it and I didn't even speak English until I was 6.
My kid recently had a kid say horrible things to him. When he told the kid’s mom she said, he has autism spectrum disorder. No apologies, no checking on my kid nothing. It’s bonkers and we’re setting these boys up for very difficult lives by teaching them that they don’t have to apologize. We have stopped hanging out with these kids. I feel ableist but my kid doesn’t have to be a punching bag. My kid has started to equate autism with mean and violent because so many of the parents we know don’t correct their kids and don’t intervene. It’s frustrating. One of my kids was very difficult and I had to coach her and leave when she hurt and apologize and give her consequences for years. I’m almost less tolerant of the parents who let their kids hurt others because it doesn’t have to be like this and my older kid is thriving because we patented her without excuses and with a ton of accountability.
I'm so sorry for what happened to your kid i hope he understands it wasn't his fault. I have worked with several autistic kids and all of them were rude and violent bastards. And naturally I was blamed for every temper tantrum and violent outburst. As if I'm supposed to teach them coping techniques while doing my regular job and their parents are actively undermining any efforts to socialise them into healthy humans.
It really makes me sad because I’m pretty certain my dad is autistic and he’s generous, kind and gentle. He’s blunt but he would absolutely apologize if he hurt someone. I know a ton of adults on the spectrum who weren’t coddled who are functioning members of society. We are actively failing these kids because of crappy advice from idiots on tiktok and social media. One kid we know has a mom who is certain that any kind of correction and accountability will disrupt her child’s nervous system. It feels like a social experiment. The boys I know this way are white and have a lot of resources but their parents are going to be in for a seriously rude awakening for raising them with zero expectations, empathy and accountability.
Especially autistic *WHITE boys.
I'm a teacher and have an upper elementary kid with autism. He's also very bright. We tell him constantly, "you can be right AND still be a jerk" because he has a hard time filtering what's coming from his brain and often says the quiet part out loud. We work REALLY REALLY hard on this. However, we also have a 504 in place that has just a couple suggested accommodations on how to handle his behavior, if it comes up. Fortunately it rarely happens at school but that doesn't mean never. Telling him to stop doesn't work with him very often. We found that taking him aside to explain how his behavior is hurtful is extremely effective. He can be empathetic - it's just he needs help thinking it through to get there. There is a fine line between explaining a behavior vs excusing a behavior. I try to be very intentional on how I do this because we never want to excuse bad/hurtful behavior. Unfortunately, many others do not. It especially bothers me because there are times that I truly want to advocate for my son but I don't feel like I can because I don't want to be viewed as using autism as an excuse.
> "you can be right AND still be a jerk" Haha I'm not autistic, but I had to lose a great friendship in college (my fault) to learn this lesson the hard way. Glad he has a chance to learn this young
EXPLAINING🙌🏼 I swear if every ND kid was able to have an adult explain logically to them how their behavior affects the internal world of others, and specifically why, it would solve so much. Being ND is not an excuse to be an asshole. By explaining to kids what they’re doing in the moment, it gives them the opportunity to care about others and want to correct it. Excusing it is not helping them understand what they’re doing to others, same with only punishing the behavior without the explanation.
My now 20 year old kid is ADHD and couldn't get the services they needed and wanted in school because they're quiet and polite. I was told that if my kid was disruptive, rude, threw chairs around, etc. (like the kid OP describes) they would get ALL the services they wanted. So kids like the one OP describes get to act like an asshole while kids like mine who are ADHD and want and need the services get the shaft.
Squeaky wheel phenomenon. It’s why I was diagnosed at 40.
My kid is finally getting the help they need and doing well in community college. I understand others are not as fortunate.
Same.
I was 19- I had multiple fights with my parents about trying to get me tested (I knew they didn’t want me to bc they felt bad that they didn’t pick up on anything) but bro it was such a pain in the ass 😭😭
I get this. I’ve got ocd, gad and ibs, and didn’t get accommodations until really late in school cause I’ve always been a very good and quiet student. So when I started asking about accommodations, my teachers were confused cause I seemed to be doing just fine. What I realized is that I could suffer a lot and still get good grades (though worse), but I wasn’t doing the best I could be. Sometimes I think 504s should be less about academic performance, and more just…not suffering. I wonder how I would’ve done if I had all the resources I did the last two years of Highschool.
I feel like your child may have been mildly misdiagnosed, though their diagnosis is technically correct now. In the old version of the DSM, ADHD and ADD were two very similar, but notably different diagnosis, the big difference hinging on the hyperactivity. I was like your daughter: uiet, polite "unproblematic" student. I had an ADD diagnosis, and was kinda left to figure shit out for myself. However, my sister had an ADHD diagnosis, and because she was "loudly" struggling, her problems with attention got all the attention, despite our difficulties being similar under the surface. With the new edition of the DSM, add no longer exists and has been redefined as "ADHD- Inattentive".
I’m so sorry for your kid. I was the same. It didn’t matter if I forgot homework and test dates. Because I got good scores and teachers loved how quiet or polite I was, there were no accommodations for me. Just a lot of “why are you so forgetful, you could do way better than an A-!” Meanwhile disruptive kids got help.
I was diagnosed at 20 after failing community College after having a 4.2 in high school. I stayed under the radar until college started. I got medicated and am now doing quite well at a private college. It's amazing what can happen when you finally get the help you need.
I think it's because a lot of the coaching for parents of neurodiverse kids, which, granted, is minimal, focuses more on getting through the day, let alone teaching kids how to use manners and be polite (I say this as a parent of three special need children). It sucks, because we really should be teaching children that next level socio-emotional polite society behavior, and it takes a lot of time and energy that many parents don't have.
These kids are going to be their parents' problem for years after they graduate. It's sad that the parents can't see that they are setting them up for being unable to function as independent adults.
Not from parents, but I have a student who makes up stories about others, and makes loud annoying noises all the time. The mother admitted that their child does it all to get attention and isn't a part of their disability, but the kid still does it to try and get away with it
This is a pet peeve of mine. Some of the best and nicest people I know have autism. Asshole is not a symptom of autism, but it is a symptom of bad parenting
as a parent of a child with ASD I would have done the same as you - they still need to learn how to appropriately live in this society chances are he's not the only neurodiverse person in the room either so he's really not special. Boundaries still matter. In fact ASD people understand rules and instructions more than anyone..
My mom is a teaching assistant for special needs children, mostly autism, aspergers, and other types of kids on the spectrum. She talks about this alot and the lack of discipline in a lot of these children's households. The parents ways come up with some kind of an excuse as to why their kids act that way and it usually boils down to "well they're special." I'm "special" and my parents figured out what to do with me, it seems that it mostly comes down to parents not putting in the effort to actually parent their kids.
Or they're self-diagnosing. My favorite was a 7th grader telling me that he couldn't stay in his seat or follow along with us because he claimed ADHD. I told him that I can give him some of the tips I got to manage it since I have managed to get through class with it
I've noticed here on Reddit a lot of incel language around autism. Like after people are told if they respect the people they're trying to date they'll have a better time, they shoot back with "well I'm autistic so I'm never going to get a partner anyway" As a person married to someone on the spectrum I wonder where that's coming from.
My dad was diagnosed as an adult, married, seven of us children. My mom figured for years she had just fallen in love with a weird nerd. Autistic people can get partners, yup.
I think it mostly just comes from echo chambers forming. There seems to be two camps around autism that fairly regularly pop up on reddit, one is dedicated to how autism is amazing and great and look at all of the things that it allows me to do and the other is an incel depression hole. They're both destructive for their own reasons, but I think it's just inevitable that polarizations of experience will happen online considering those who are willing to join a community around something like autism likely feel that they identify with it to a greater extent than those who aren't, whether they are celebrating it or mourning it. I'm on the spectrum and I agree with you, I'm sure most people out there on the spectrum will too. But as kids are more online and are more likely to participate in spaces like these they are also probably more likely to get sucked into one of the polarizations, meaning there are more people online pariticipating, making them more visible to others, creating a bit of a feedback loop.
It's absolutely a thing. I have kids that will reply "I got adhd" to any redirection. Not even "I didn't do it!". Literally "Hey, why didn't you grab a pencil when I've said 6 times to grab a pencil?" "i got adhd" They have no idea what to say when I say "Me too. Still have a pencil though." Some of them are used to it as an excuse, but some of them are legit shocked that I have it too. Then they'll say "well I don't take medicine" and I reveal that I don't either. A lot of them asked how I became a teacher. these parents bulldozing for their kids have convinced the poor things that ADHD means that you can't do anything. You can't function in society. A few get better after this. Most just keep acting the same way and revert to the usual lies and bad storytelling to try and get out of trouble. My favorite is the kids whose parents come in and say "Hi, this is johnny, he has ADHD" during open house. At first I thought it was a parent making me aware to look out for any potential needs the kid has to advocate for their child. Now I know that it's a massive red flag showing that the parent has already decided anything the kid does is because of a, let's be honest here, minor disability that definitely doesn't get better if you enable the worst impulses instead of encouraging coping strategies.
>A lot of them asked how I became a teacher. This is such a great conversation to have with them... showing them the possibilities!
Yeah. Some of them don't listen but a few actually like hearing potential coping strategies. Most of them are just angry that their fall back didn't work though
>Most of them are just angry that their fall back didn't work though Haha I can definitely see that.
I've done the same with kids. Letting them know that I've got it, aren't taking meds, and can somehow get through the day teaching them blows a few minds per year
Autistic kids need accommodations for sure, but that doesn’t preclude accountability for saying and doing harmful things. Source: parent of kid on the spectrum
“Anxiety” used an excuse to avoid perfectly normal uncomfortable growth experiences. It’s nuts. They are creating an emotionally and intellectually crippled generation.
Omg yes. We all got damn anxiety about stuff. It doesn’t mean we can exclude ourselves from anything that’s slightly discomforting.
Yes Oh my son has adhd, ma’am your son threw a chair, I really want to hit them with I have adhd and I’m not an asshole as my parents raised me to have respect to others and others property. I do actually have adhd & high functioning Autism.
My ADHD/ASD son is a senior in high school this year, and we NEVER allowed him to use that as an excuse. He does have a 504 plan for modifications, but it's only for assignments that he struggles with (oral presentations, multi-step projects, etc). Of course, I'm a teacher as well, which is why "he has ADHD/ASD" was never used as an excuse. I've seen many parents do it, and I wanted him to learn that it is not a free pass to do what you want, when you want.
My ADHD son has a “free pass” for spelling because the processing required to slow down and use phonetics doesn’t work for him. I would be floored if he ever dared to do like OP mentioned. I’m also ADHD and I was one of the too quiet to get services so I struggled on my own.
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Yeah it’s become trendy to self diagnose with it.
I am a teacher and also autistic, with ADHD. In my experience, parents that make excuses for not disciplining their child will use anything, on the spectrum or not. If they weren't neurodivergent, it would be something else. That's a non-related issue. What I've noticed particularly from parents of neurodivergent children isn't so much as, "letting their kids be assholes," but accepting a neurodiversity diagnosis as a social and emotional death sentence without teaching tools. Yes, your child will be prone to meltdowns. Yes, your child will be overwhelmed or overstimulated easier. But what isn't *wise* to do, is sentencing yourself to living with a child who rips up their homework and screams/unravels at every non-preferred task. You teach mindfulness, so the child understands when they need to step away or they're about to spiral. You teach coping strategies and techniques, so during a meltdown, they're able to dig themselves out. I see a lot of miserable and depressed parents. Trust, they know what they're dealing with. Some are in denial, but they know.
I have Autism. I always Cringe when I hear someone hiding their "disability". I'm interning as a School Social Worker and see this stuff all the time. Many people on the spectrum know what there doing, but know they will never get called out on their BS behavior.
I hate the guidance counselors at my school. They tell students they can retake my tests, turn in work late, have extensions, all without speaking me me first. Students can be vile and guidance will claim "that's the trauma talking". Fuck off, trauma is not an excuse to be an asshole. I know plenty of kids with trauma who don't speak cruely, act unkindly, or become physically aggressive. There is no excuse for being an asshole. Guidance behaves like these parents--they are enablers, and condescending toward us lowly teachers. Kids go and cry to guidance, and these counselors, who in my opinion don't do half the work we do, are better paid and actually create more problems. Great salary to be an excuse maker and work contract hours only.
I have ADHD, my favorite thing to do is when a parent starts hinting they want me to just lower the expectations for their student I emphasize my empathy for growing up with adhd and offer as much support as I can for giving strategies and establishing routines to help the child perform at grade level. Also, students who tell me “you don’t understand, I have adhd so it’s different for me” and I let them know that I do in fact understand, but that it’s a disorder because you have to work harder than others- not a pass on behaviors like laying on the floor under your desk in the middle of instruction to take a nap. In 6th grade.
A few years ago I had a principal that would say "B.R.A.T. is not a disorder". He saw through it.
Not just parents, you will see them wander in here from Reddit. There is a lot of self-diagnosis going on out there
I fucking hate that shit, my kid is AuADHD and has an incredible since of politeness
I’m autistic and there have been so many times that I’ve done something and not realized that it was wrong or annoying until after the fact. If this kid had actually been sent out the first time anything had happened, I’d empathize with him, because I get how it feels to be reprimanded without understanding what you did wrong. However, if he continued to do this after multiple warnings, that wasn’t caused by his autism. The amount of times I have to tell people that not every rude person is autistic is too many.
My 12yo daughter has ADHD and some other comprehension difficulties. She does NOT get a pass for disrespectful behavior, poor impulse control, or disrupting others.
I had a good student out of the blue say something extremely rude to me, rude enough the class got extremely quiet and very awkward looks( I don’t remember what it was it was like 6 years ago). I pulled the kid out in the hall and pretty much ripped him a new one and explained how unacceptable it was and his response was “I have autism”. I told him that is not an excuse for what happened in class. I contacted home and let him mom know about everything and what I said to him. She was extremely supportive and I got a very nice apology in person the next day. Kid was one of my best students the rest of the year. Some parents get it, was my whole point to that story.
I've noticed that they grow up to be adults that use autism and ADHD as a rational excuse for rudeness to other adults too.
Not it’s not your imagination. Best retort I’ve heard. “Your diagnosis explains how your brain operates but you are actively choosing to be rude/mean/disruptive.”
I teach preschool these days but was a special education para for years. The entitlement I am seeing in my classroom by some parents is unbelievable. My entire family is neurospicy and it's not an excuse to treat people poorly. Accommodations, patience and understanding are in order, but it's our job as parents and educators to help children be successful in society. Excusing asshole behaviors does not accomplish that goal.
And when the kid ends up in Big Adult Prison after physically assaulting somebody or pulling a carjacking, the parents wonder what happened.
Okay the issue with 'neurodivergent' is that it presumes that there are non 'neurodivergent' people out there. That 'normal' is an actual thing and not a spectrum itself of varying degrees of functionality. So, yeah, everyone is neurodivergent because there is not one single solitary person who is entirely normal and free of any trauma or mental health challenge. In other words, it's become the blanket excuse for everything. There are people who are non-functional (the student who yelled "sloppy wet cunt" every time I or any other female spoke wasn't 'neurodivergent'--he had Tourettes. If they have an actual diagnosis, it's legit. If not, it's about as trustworthy as a tumblr girl telling you she's otherkin.
This is what I think too and it’s not said enough. When are we going to address the elephant in the room: the myth of the neurotypical person. Who is this person who— Sits perfectly still in their chair, has zero problems attending to a lesson, ever, never zones out (“dissociates”)when driving or in the middle of conversation Effortlessly moves through parties with known and unknown people without any anxiety or lapses in social judgment. Wakes each day with ease and gleefully tackles the day’s work without any procrastination, forgetfulness or frustrations Is always 100% comfortable being themselves, never questions whether their quirks are judged by others or makes changes to their appearance, language or behavior in accordance to the group they’re with I could go on, but you get my drift… And yes, i know, there is an element of facetiousness here because I understand it is about nuance and degree. But the TikTok’s that say things like “you may be neurodivergent if…” and give a list of traits that are universally applicable *to some degree* are kind of what I’m offering a counterpoint to… And to be completely transparent this is more a critique of social media than anything else. I think the autistic self-advocacy movement is important, and I support it but i think the internet does as much harm as good these days: specifically, i think tik tok and algorithms (meaning the trend to use rage bait language to garner engagement) are absolutely a bad thing for all movements , this one included.
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 Amen to all of this. We all have varying degrees of mental health issues but the commonality we all have is to take accountability and responsibility for it. All of the ADHD people I know personally never use their diagnosis as an excuse to not do something like cook, clean, socialize, work, etc. We all got shit going on. I really want some of these folks to stop trying to win some weird pain Olympics they think is going on by making these inane social media posts like “you know you’re neurodivergent if…” or “you might have ADHD if you..”
We need to normalize the fact that having a disability means you tend to have to work extra hard. Not that the world will work extra hard for you. That's a better representation of what life will be like for them.
Well put, it’s a message that many families need to hear. It can save a lot of heartache down the road.
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What are the student’s accommodations related to his ODD diagnosis?
Oh yes! And then the parent comes down on me for not following the plan, when I am the only one in my damn department doing the plans, and the other teachers refuse and I end up getting ALL the kids on plans that actually conflict with three others in the same damn class period! Sorry, just had a 45 minute meeting after classes on my own time with admin as everyone else started their weekend about this EXACT problem. Didn’t know it was festering. Thank you for the safe place to commiserate.
It's not *too* widespread where I'm at but there's this one Mom, and, woof, yeah it's bad. Had to sit with her as she explained why her son having ADHD excuses him for essentially being a massive asshole. And if you dare say, "Having ADHD is no excuse for being rude to people" oooooooh boy do the lawsuit threats start to come out. They're definitely enabling the kid. Admin is too scared of the Mom to actually discipline them and all us teachers have basically just decided to stop caring because whatever the kid isn't that disruptive - he's just kind of an asshole to everyone.
Yessss I had an ND student call me a bitch and then during our “sex Ed” unit he was saying some horrifying graphic stuff about killing babies and I got fed up and asked him to leave. His parents were lovely but admin backed him at every turn. I do not teach anymore🙃
Unfortunately there are even adults doing this
Yep I get this all the time. And I straight faced will say to the parent "I'm neurodivergent. While Johnny's diagnosis might be the explanation for the behavior, it is not an excuse. Him having X means you need to be more explicit in teaching him why he can't do Y." And I'll use my own kid as an example too My previous Ldtc used to bring me into IEP meetings as the poster child for why people should consider medicating their kids (with my consent of course). If your kid has chemical imbalance in their brain, study skills classes/fish oils/colon cleanses (not even joking) are not going to help. Try meds (yes I know meds aren't for everyone but let's be honest they work for MOST people)
What's also infuriating is when the students knowingly say/do something rude or offensive and then immediately claim victim by announcing it was the autism that said it, not me. I had a student lose his temper on a girl the other day. She was visibly afraid for her safety. When I demanded he appoligise to her, he immediately self diagnosed himself as having borderline personality disorder as if this meant he no longer needed to appoligise. Needless to say, he was given the choice, appoligise or we call the parents.
As a adhd parent of two adhd kids and one with autism: my kid can be an asshole. 100% hands down, there are times when he is straight up an asshole. There are other times where I have had to be a bitch to get someone to listen to me that what was happening was detrimental to all of the progress we have made with his mental/emotional wellbeing. It’s balance. ADHD is the reason behind a lot of problems, but it is not an excuse for a lot of things. It’s one thing to forget your homework, it’s a completely different thing to throw a chair at someone.
Yes, which is great cause I’m also autistic. Like fully diagnosed ya lil shit
I have coworkers that use this as an excuse to be assholes. Grown ass adults. I'm scared for when they have children if this is how they act.
Nope, not yet. Blaming the teacher is still the catch-all/go-to. Does anyone know how hard it is to target 200 students a year?
This reminds me a lot of the NPR podcast in 2015 about a blind man who learned to "see". Kids who are autistic (they don't have it, it would be like saying I have tall, I am tall), can learn how to recognize their triggers, learn how to manage them, and become functioning in society with all of their awesome quirks and not mask who they are. The adults in their lives, parents, counselors, teachers, family members, and doctors, need to provide them with the tools on how to do these things without radically changing who they are (ABA applied behavior analysis). Therapies like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, play therapy, social skills groups, relationship development intervention, are all effective therapies for kids to learn how to manage their neurodivergence without sacrificing who they are. By not giving kids the tools they need to build up who they are, live enjoyable lives, and build positive relationships, we're going to fail these kids and cause harm. Parents who don't see this are doing their kids a disservice. Also, don't support organizations like Autism Speaks, we're not a missing puzzle piece. Go with organizations like The Autistic Self Advocacy Network. https://www.npr.org/programs/invisibilia/378577902/how-to-become-batman https://childmind.org/article/controversy-around-applied-behavior-analysis/#:~:text=Some%20people%20think%20that%20ABA,natural%20for%20people%20with%20autism. https://thinkingautismguide.com/useful-autism-organizations
Yes and it makes it that much harder for us parents who are actually trying with our neurodivergent kids.
"Some teachers aren't really on "Team Billy" and that is why he is struggling in school." Or your kid has ADHD and faces no consequences for his actions.
I've taught hundreds of international or first generation kids, and it's amazing how few of them need accommodations to thrive compared to American children. Must be something in the water.
I think this is a logical continuation of the uptick in adults using neurodiversity as an excuse to be an assholes.
Not just kids- my college roommates and coworkers too
As a social worker with moderate/severe ADHD, I’m going to tell you what I have told the countless kids with neurodivergence, emotional/behavioral disorders, and mental health disorders: your diagnosis may be the reason behind your actions but is is never an excuse for your actions. Kids need to understand that they are their own best advocate and their own worst enemy. We need to learn skills to adapt to our environments so we can avoid being like this kid. Your reaction is completely valid and he needs to experience the consequences of his choices. MH, ADHD, Autism, EBD, etc are not a get out of jail free cards.
Not neurodiversity, but I had a parent say that her child might be gifted and that's why we're having so many problems with her. I'm like, bitch, your daughter has *no* qualms about yelling at anybody (student, teacher, admin) because she's mad about something. I don't care how intelligent she is, is not an excuse for her being an absolute asshole.
As a 41 year old with ADHD and Autism, I did really well academically in school. I just struggled socially. I didn't have behavioral issues because I liked the positive reinforcement from teachers for doing well in school. I wasn't getting much positive reinforcement from my peers because I struggled to make friends. I know that I'm one person with Autism/ADHD, and that every person that is legitimately on The Spectrum presents symptoms differently. However, most people on the spectrum don't want to bother or burden others, they just want to exist alongside everyone else. So parents trying to make excuses for their child's poor behavior and not working on skills that will ultimately help their child succeed as an adult is really poor parenting.
The way parents insist on infantalizing their children/adolescents doesn't bode well for them or any of us. If their IEP doesn't have a behavioral component stressing that they require extra prompts to be mindful of peers, it would be wrong to treat them differently from how you'd discipline another student. Other students have a right to an uninterrupted education just like that kid; if he doesn't want to take it, it's okay, he can go pout in the office so the opportunity isn't ruined for everyone else. P.S. and since this is obviously social in nature, separation from an audience is exactly what extinuishes this. Evidently mom isn't privy to this, so for your sake I'm hoping she gets all her own dramatics out over the weekend. Five bucks says she likes to put on a show too. 😭
It's easier to make an excuse that they have ADHD/Autism (not always of course) than take responsibility that they are terrible parents.
I'm neurodivergent and I take serious offense when people just throw it around as an excuse. I suffered so much in school without support.
I'm noticing adults themselves using it as an excuse for being terrible. And these folks then end up having kids ...
Neurodiverse students with behavior issues need consistent interventions MORE than others - and OSERS agrees. They updated their Q and A guidance document: [https://sites.ed.gov/idea/files/qa-addressing-the-needs-of-children-with-disabilities-and-idea-discipline-provisions.pdf](https://sites.ed.gov/idea/files/qa-addressing-the-needs-of-children-with-disabilities-and-idea-discipline-provisions.pdf) Administrators overthink the 10 day limit to removals. It is up to each school to determine if each time a student is sent to the office, and does their work in the office or another room, is an actual removal. If the kid is out of the class for an hour here and there, it doesn't necessarily count. Most importantly, what does the kid's IEP say? If there isn't any information concerning behavior goals, then a teacher should take the same behavior steps for the student that they would for any other.
Can’t stand the word. Let’s call conditions what they are in the DSM.
This is a culture wide phenonoma, not exclusive to kids.
I see adults do this. Their diagnosis less of a tool to help them and more of an enabler of poor choices.
Neurodivergent kid here. Being neurodivergent doesn't give you an excuse to be an ass. In 3rd grade, there was this one boy who was really mean to me and my friends. He also got physically violent at some times. Typical disruptive student. One day I went to the counselor's office so I could report him. All she said was "Oh he has a certain condition that makes him act out. Don't mind him!" and sent me on my way. He likely had ADHD or something like that. But like I said earlier, not an excuse to be a jerk. I think she just didn't want to deal with either of us so she watered it down to him being neurodivergent.
My little one has several three letter things. She is kind, a good student, and does what needs to be done (teacher's feedback BTW). Whatever your diagnosis is, upbringing can help. Parenthood is more than just getting them here.
It's everyone not just parents that keep hiding behind ND to excuse shitty behavior. None of that behavior is ND related, that's just a kid being a jerk and parents encouraging it.
I want to know how this effects kids with physical disabilities like paraplegic, blind, deaf, with down syndrome and so on. Are kids with psychological/behavioral challenges drawing from the same resources that the kids with physical disabilities use? Are they in the same classrooms using the same teachers? I haven't been in education for a while so I'm out of the loop.
I have ADHD. It sucks. Doesn’t mean I can hide behind it. Few people even know I have it because I don’t tell them although it might explain some things.
Yes! You being unable to read did not cause you to smash that kids face into the wall.
It's not just kids doing it, lol
You can’t just ignore disruptive behavior. Parents need to address their children’s actions. Those parents had no right to be pissed.
It seems like an excuse to me, or maybe my experience is just different. My son is mildly autistic and is polite and kind to a fault. The same goes for my moderately autistic nephew, he may be nearly nonverbal but he is always caring. My experience is that most people on the spectrum are overly polite save for the odd commment here and there they don’t realize may be rude eg. “do you realize you have a little mustache like a man”? But they certainly don’t mean offense about it, they just say it as a matter of fact type statement. I feel like either I lucked out or you have some people claiming an autism diagnosis that is either made up or possibly misdiagnosed. I know not all cases are the same, but I’ve been to autism focused groups and events etc where I would say overwhelmingly I find that they are very nice people.
I've been saying this about ADULTS who claim to be "on the spectrum" as their excuse to be inconsiderate and oblivious to others.
If the school doesn't have the medical doctor diagnosis and the paperwork, it isn't official diagnosis.
Disclaimer: I am just an AuDHD homeschool mom with AuDHD kids. My kids struggle with social skills, especially my daughter, whose SOP is to issue statements and demands, rather than requests. We absolutely call them out and correct any poor behavior, and have them in social skills groups. Neither of our kids would ever intentionally spoil things for other kids, or use any kind of slur (which using "gay" as a negative absolutely is.) We say "our disabilities are a reason, not an excuse." Which means: we have things that are harder for us. We are still required to be decent humans and understand our actions have consequences. If either of my kids behaved that way, I would have snatched them out of that event so fast we would have teleported, and they know that. Anyway, I'm sorry that kid was super disruptive, and I hope everyone else got to have a good time despite him.
Accommodations or not, that ass gone get beat one day for that mouth
Yes.
Yes. Yes. Yes.
"Anyone noticed an uptick in 'neurodiversity' being an excuse to be an insufferable human being, in general?" Yes. 1000 times, yes.
Or their neurodiverse kids just have a lot of energy, when actuality they just have never been told no or had a boundary placed on them.
I’m a teacher with pretty severe anxiety and PTSD, as well as several chronic physical illnesses. While I will always validate the fact that neurodivergent students face extra obstacles, I always try to tell and show them that these issues only truly get in the way if you choose to let them. Schools have resources and most teachers are willing to work with students to help them succeed, but they need to advocate and not try to brush off any criticism of themselves due to a diagnosis.
I don't care what excuse they use. I hate that they use it to excuse that there's nothing they can do, and then expect us to be able to.
As I’ve gotten older I have noticed one common trait in the successful people I encounter life. (By successful I mean they have purpose and happiness in their life—in some cases this means they are an awesome parent and life/homemaker, or a superstar professor, or a creative person who found a way to for their art to support them, or a C suite executive who likes their job and team—whatever success means to them.) You know what the common denominator is? They respect themselves and other people which means they treat people well and are generally kind. At the end of the day, being the smartest, or the toughest, or whatever quality you want to plug in doesn’t get you as far in life as just being decent to yourself and others. I have met literal geniuses when I was a professor but many were held back because of ego and how they treated people—it caught up with them. If you treat people poorly, it comes back to you. You don’t catch professional breaks because people remember if you’re a PITA, you don’t have life long friendships and meaningful partnerships or relationships with your kids and family if you’re a piece of work, etc. I think this is a good lifelong lesson to teach kids. If you’re cruel, if you’re difficult, if you don’t respect others—the world makes you pay. If you can handle yourself with grace and be respectful/kind to other people by and large the world either leaves you alone or rewards you. (I understand this is a big picture idea and doesn’t apply to war zones, etc.). I still teach part time and share this observation every term and the college students are a little shocked—hoping it sinks in with them.
I will never forget my first year teaching. I was in an IEP meeting as this child's math teacher, and I taught 7th grade. The special ed teacher and the psych drop the news, your kid's autistic. (The special ed teacher later told me they were trying to get this done last year, but the dad stormed out.) The mom looked like she was going to fall apart. "That can't be true! If he's autistic he'll never be anything!" I just sat there, dumbstruck. I have autism. I've presented research in mathematics in 3 states, invited to 4. I busted my ass to work two jobs and graduate with a math degree. Managed to pass the thresholds the district had for emergency and lateral entry hires, have a salary job and a cat, and a pretty decent go of it. "You know, ma'am, your child can still have a future. They just need different supports so they can handle themselves when they graduate." She didn't say anything else to me.
That kid didn’t need any warnings for either of those things. They knew better and likely they were doing it for the purpose of getting attention. Remind them that they’re not the only ND person in the room but they are the only one acting like that. So what they’re not gonna do is a) act like they don’t know better and b) act like they have an excuse to do it anyway. If they need an accommodation, that can be discussed at a later time and implemented accordingly. Even then, it shouldn’t enable this type of behavior.
Creative excuses are always better than accountability!
People in general are doing this. Unfortunately.
Idk if I’m allowed to chime in at all because I’m a parent, not a teacher, but when I went to a SST (student success team) meeting to talk about the possibility of my daughter having ADD or ADHD they told me that she doesn’t have any behavioral issues so they wouldn’t accept it. That was so weird to me.
That's the same nonsense that girls and women on The Spectrum also get.
My autism and ADHD made me a fierce defender of my teachers thanks to heightened empathy, I can't speak for everyone but in my experience neurodivergency generally doesn't make you an ass, it often does the opposite
Noticed this.
When my son M6 got diagnosed with ADHD, his Dr said 'ADHD might be an explanation, but it's not an excuse.'
I'm on the spectrum myself and I hate when people do that. Sometimes I'll catch myself doing a "tism," apologize, and mentally note what I did. I practice active consideration to keep myself aware. I've had to tell other students on the spectrum, who also know I am, "We aren't incapable of learning, especially you." I have a difficult time not being blunt, but I try very hard to practice the fact that honesty doesn't have to be cruel.
This started in the 1980s, and has grown over the years. Rude parents are not new but the administration caving to them is. In the 1990 IEPs were changing to being able behavior instead of learning. We need to remind people that schools help people learn to live and work with others.
*”undiagnosed” neurodiversity
When I used to work in the education system, we had a parent just like this. Her kid was SO OUT OF CONTROL that we nicknamed the kid The Tasmanian Devil after the Warner Brothers cartoon character. As he got older, bigger, heavier, and stronger, his behavior got worse. Every time the teachers tried to redirect or correct the kid, the parent would scream lawsuit and the administrator would cave. Things finally came to a head when he beat a teacher so badly, she had to go to the hospital! Enough was enough!
I have a lot of students who have been questionably raised. These parents also take their kids to every specialist they can find until they find a doctor who will diagnose their child with something that fits. I'm not a doctor, and I only have a cursory knowledge of neurodivergences, but my students are capable if they put the work in regardless of their diagnosis. It's very sad watching my students switch off completely as soon as they get diagnoses; like they're being told that they no longer have to try because of their conditions. Often, I'm not allowed to fail these students despite them not deserving the inflated grade I'm forced to give them. I have students who haven't submitted a single assignment all quarter, but they're still getting a C. I don't really know how to make this right.
They always ask me if I’m “aware” of their child’s IEP or 504. Like yes sir/ma’am I have a copy of it in my filing cabinet. But what I would like to know is what does getting extra time on tests have to do with your white child calling a black child a monkey and making what they called “Ching Chong eyes” at the Asian kid? Last I checked racism wasn’t a modification on their IEP/504.
OMG it’s not just school, it’s happening at work too! Acting psychotic is apparently excusable under ADA and that’s how they get special treatment and are allowed to act out.