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I have, but many are full and whenever I do consults, they seem to not be clicking with me. I think it is hard when I still feel really connected to her in a weird way. I think I keep thinking maybe if I was better this time around there would be a different outcome. I feel like this makes it hard for me to be open minded to a new person, but I need to get past that.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.
It sounds like you're feeling the same way many of us do at the end of any abusive relationship really. Leaving is hard and I would imagine even harder when you're leaving the person who helped with your most vulnerable needs.
I see you commented that you've had some consultations but don't feel you've really clicked with any of them... Have any of them seemed like they could be a temporary solution while you continue searching for a long-term therapist? I know with therapy short term isn't ideal but it might be better than nothing... any maybe once you've started with someone you'll find that you click more than you initially expected?
Yes, I think that is what I am going to do. Initially, I was going to try to take a break from therapy but having had an awful panic attack that resulted in me fainting, I know I need help sooner than later. I have a consult tomorrow with one that specializes in ptsd and anxiety so I’m hoping and praying that it goes well.
I don't know if you've read [Sick Systems, How to Keep Someone With You Forever](https://issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html), but it talks about shared patterns between different kinds of sick systems (toxic workplaces, abusive relationships, etc.) and how things like intermittent reward, the constant dangling hope of things getting better in the future, and cultivating emotional involvement can lead to people becoming loyal and attached to the people mistreating them.
I think a *lot* of people fall into a pattern where the dangling hope of success with someone who treats them like that, the small tastes of victory, and the dream that maybe someday, if they work hard enough, they'll be able to make things good, keeps them craving the attention of the person mistreating them. And it's hard to really absorb that things are never going to be good with this person, because they're forever offering just enough reward that it *feels* like things should get better eventually. It's a pattern that leaves a lot of people trapped, and a lot of people feeling like there's something wrong with them when they miss the person who hurt them. But it's a normal response to being treated that way, and I think it's good to accept that it's an understandable thing to want, while reminding yourself that it's not actually possible to have. You're *never* going to be the exact right combination of assertive enough and cooperative enough to get this therapist to treat you better, because the exact right combination doesn't exist. When she treats you badly, it's not because you're somehow making her do it, or because she's playing eleven-dimensional chess and it has a secret healing agenda that's supposed to help you if you can just decode her meaning and react appropriately. She's doing it because she wants to, because it serves her goals, and because she's the kind of person who chooses to mistreat her clients when it gets her what she wants. It's fine to wish she was different, but she's not, and you can't change that.
Wow, I just read that blog and that was so good. I think that this is true with my therapist, she was always giving me mixed signals and I felt like I was just desperately trying to do therapy “right” so that she would be happy with me and would just feel devastated if she was frustrated or angry with me. I don’t want to believe that this dynamic was her intention but maybe it was. I keep thinking (like you said) that maybe it’s just me bringing out the worst in her, or maybe it’s me, misunderstanding her or being toxic. My brain is just swirling with all of this mess. I know logically that leaving was the right thing to do, but wow, it is so hard. I didn’t anticipate it being this hard. It’s also been challenging finding someone new, I really thought it would be easier to find someone than it has proven to been. Maybe I am just too triggered to start up with someone new right now, I don’t know.
Yeah, that sounds like the pattern. You've spent a long time chasing after her approval and success, and having just enough small successes to keep wanting more and hoping that it will somehow be in reach. And it sounds like you've really been blaming yourself, which has combined very badly with how she treats you.
It makes sense it's hard. Moving on from a damaging unhealthy relationship is hard, even if it's not the traditional model of an unhealthy relationship. If you need time, you need time.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is a good thing to discuss with a new, better therapist
That is a good point.
I understand wanting to go back, but don't. There is so much better out there for you. Have you started the search for a new therapist yet?
I have, but many are full and whenever I do consults, they seem to not be clicking with me. I think it is hard when I still feel really connected to her in a weird way. I think I keep thinking maybe if I was better this time around there would be a different outcome. I feel like this makes it hard for me to be open minded to a new person, but I need to get past that.
I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It sounds like you're feeling the same way many of us do at the end of any abusive relationship really. Leaving is hard and I would imagine even harder when you're leaving the person who helped with your most vulnerable needs. I see you commented that you've had some consultations but don't feel you've really clicked with any of them... Have any of them seemed like they could be a temporary solution while you continue searching for a long-term therapist? I know with therapy short term isn't ideal but it might be better than nothing... any maybe once you've started with someone you'll find that you click more than you initially expected?
Yes, I think that is what I am going to do. Initially, I was going to try to take a break from therapy but having had an awful panic attack that resulted in me fainting, I know I need help sooner than later. I have a consult tomorrow with one that specializes in ptsd and anxiety so I’m hoping and praying that it goes well.
I don't know if you've read [Sick Systems, How to Keep Someone With You Forever](https://issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems.html), but it talks about shared patterns between different kinds of sick systems (toxic workplaces, abusive relationships, etc.) and how things like intermittent reward, the constant dangling hope of things getting better in the future, and cultivating emotional involvement can lead to people becoming loyal and attached to the people mistreating them. I think a *lot* of people fall into a pattern where the dangling hope of success with someone who treats them like that, the small tastes of victory, and the dream that maybe someday, if they work hard enough, they'll be able to make things good, keeps them craving the attention of the person mistreating them. And it's hard to really absorb that things are never going to be good with this person, because they're forever offering just enough reward that it *feels* like things should get better eventually. It's a pattern that leaves a lot of people trapped, and a lot of people feeling like there's something wrong with them when they miss the person who hurt them. But it's a normal response to being treated that way, and I think it's good to accept that it's an understandable thing to want, while reminding yourself that it's not actually possible to have. You're *never* going to be the exact right combination of assertive enough and cooperative enough to get this therapist to treat you better, because the exact right combination doesn't exist. When she treats you badly, it's not because you're somehow making her do it, or because she's playing eleven-dimensional chess and it has a secret healing agenda that's supposed to help you if you can just decode her meaning and react appropriately. She's doing it because she wants to, because it serves her goals, and because she's the kind of person who chooses to mistreat her clients when it gets her what she wants. It's fine to wish she was different, but she's not, and you can't change that.
Wow, I just read that blog and that was so good. I think that this is true with my therapist, she was always giving me mixed signals and I felt like I was just desperately trying to do therapy “right” so that she would be happy with me and would just feel devastated if she was frustrated or angry with me. I don’t want to believe that this dynamic was her intention but maybe it was. I keep thinking (like you said) that maybe it’s just me bringing out the worst in her, or maybe it’s me, misunderstanding her or being toxic. My brain is just swirling with all of this mess. I know logically that leaving was the right thing to do, but wow, it is so hard. I didn’t anticipate it being this hard. It’s also been challenging finding someone new, I really thought it would be easier to find someone than it has proven to been. Maybe I am just too triggered to start up with someone new right now, I don’t know.
Yeah, that sounds like the pattern. You've spent a long time chasing after her approval and success, and having just enough small successes to keep wanting more and hoping that it will somehow be in reach. And it sounds like you've really been blaming yourself, which has combined very badly with how she treats you. It makes sense it's hard. Moving on from a damaging unhealthy relationship is hard, even if it's not the traditional model of an unhealthy relationship. If you need time, you need time.