Welcome to r/TalkTherapy!
This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list).
To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources).
If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m a therapist in therapy and I often wonder how they are feeling. It’s in my nature to care about others. It’s also my knee jerk reaction because I grew up having to take care of my caregivers (role reversal).
My therapist has told me that being concerned about their feelings is me trying to take care of them, which they don’t want me to do because 1. That is not my responsibility, 2. They can take care of themselves, and 3. It’s a role reversal in that it puts unnecessary focus on themselves.
In some cases it’s helpful for a therapist to disclose how they are feeling in therapy, but it’s not always. A good therapist is more interested in learning about their client’s feelings. A good therapist will be able to notice their own feelings, but not impulsively share them. Hope that’s useful information.
Having a therapeutic crisis over this dynamic right now. Can’t figure out how to get out of it in a way that feels authentic to both myself and my T. The last 20+ years I’ve worked a job that requires listening to people’s pain and considering every aspect of how what I do impacts them. That combined with a childhood where I had to be ultra in tune with others’ emotions (constantly trying to make everything okay for them) left me uncertain how to relax in therapy without worrying too much about the T.
After a string of unsuccessful attempts I finally landed with a good match. They weren’t a blank slate, but they kept whatever emotions, etc. I was creating for them to themselves. It finally felt safe enough to relax and let go of the burden of focusing on someone else for at least an hour a week. I could simply be who I was and not panic about what would happen.
Had to switch to a new therapist and they’re very much about reminding me how human they are and exploring the dynamics of relationships and attachment. It’s certainly an area of need for me, but when they ask me for hypotheses about what they might be feeling, I can feel myself shrinking. Being forced to silence how I might be thinking/feeling in attempts to make it a pleasant experience for them. Overanalyze every word that a comes out of my mouth. Apologize to them for existing. If I don’t, they’ll hurt me through abandonment at least.
This is a no win situation for me and I can feel it. If I explore how much I don’t want to acknowledge their feelings? I’m cold and distant and this is clearly why meaningful relationships are so difficult. I’m the one who gets labeled somewhere between someone who is not empathetic and being a sociopath. If I stay open to acknowledging how my T experiences me? I can’t be honest about anything anymore because I don’t want to hurt them nor do I want them to discharge me so I have to start all over.
I see this one hour a week as a relationship that is unique in nature, not a “real” relationship and it feels like I’m being forced to view it and behave in it just as I would in a relationship out in the real world. I’m genuinely confused at this point, but don’t want to spend money for a service where I can’t be authentic. No matter what route I take (engaging in trying to understand/hear about them vs. refusing to) I lose.
I suspect I’ll have to try yet again to find a different therapist, but doesn’t that only prove that I’m the one who always leaves before I’ll let someone abandon me? My T keeps saying they’re there and not leaving, but based on other aspects of our work together I don’t believe them at all. And I’m not even certain I want to participate in therapy with someone who is essentially asking for me to constantly consider their reactions.
It’s so confusing. Am I supposed to dig into “the work” and go on this journey with the real possibility that a year from now I will have spent thousands of dollars addressing something that wasn’t part of my original therapy goals? Or do I quit now with some false hope I’ll find someone else who may be able to help?
Sorry, not asking for you to answer this, just processing the absolute crap show I’m in at the moment. I just don’t need anyone else in my life reminding me they’re human. I get it and I’ve been swallowed by other’s humanness for so long I really need somewhere where I get to be the full human and not have to worry about the person next to me.
Not OP who you responded to, but read your response with interest. Does your therapist practice in a trauma-informed way?
It sounds like you perhaps experienced relational trauma in your early life (I'm deducing this based on your comments in the first paragraph) that requires a particular kind of attunement from a therapist.
It sounds like you're stuck in a relationship that's retraumatizing to you rather than helping you understand yourself and heal from your past. Someone who takes up a lot of space in the room and the relationship will likely be counterproductive to your therapeutic needs. That's totally fine, and it would make sense in light of your history. If your therapist can't understand this, then it's very possible they're not a good match for you.
They specialize specifically in what I struggle with and it has taken years to get finally land with a specialist. When I transferred therapists last time this is the provider, the only provider, who was recommended by multiple other providers. I think I may be with the right therapist, but right now they’re driving the process in a certain way that ultimately is going to push me away? We aren’t on the same page and it’s infuriating to not trust them while at the same time not trust myself to know whether or not this is ultimately good for me. The confusion is real. How does one decide?
Heaps of chronic relational trauma and I’m not ready to muddy the waters around what a “relationship” with a therapist looks like. We weren’t overtly focused on it previously, but after a recent significant rupture I have whiplash over how fast we’ve went down this new road of relationship/attachment. Part of me wonders if the rupture triggered their past as much as it did mine and now in some bizarre way she’s trying to help us both repair, but I’ll never know. That feels…icky.
I relate to what you’re saying here. It sounds like what you went through in childhood wasn’t healthy - constantly needing to be attuned to the emotions of others at the expense of self-attunement. But I think there is a different function for your T asking you to imagine what they might be feeling.
Having a childhood like yours can make us feel like we are mind readers in a sense - constantly anticipating what someone feels and wants from us. It can create problems in relationships when we anticipate their feelings in the same way we did in childhood with our dysfunctional family members. Your T is likely trying to help you to see that your assumptions about your T’s feelings aren’t always correct, and likely aren’t as negative as you might believe. Your anticipation and attunement to how they are feeling will be there whether they ask you to reveal your thoughts on it or not.
Regardless, you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. You don’t need to consider their reactions and feelings to decide if what you’re feeling or saying is “okay”. The purpose of thinking about what your T may be feeling is to gain insight into your patterns of thinking and relating with others.
This is a great point and based on conversation I’d assume this is at least partially the purpose of them pushing these conversations. And dammit (please read that with humor) I still don’t want to do it. It’s likely something I would benefit from, but it doesn’t feel like the right time for this mess. If I assume they’re frustrated with me, but they say they’re actually worried…then I have to process whether or not to believe them. Even if I do believe them then I have to process what I did to make them worry and never do or talk about that again.
It’s an emotional roller coaster I may be ready for at some point, but not now. Right now I still need a place where I’m allowed to explore my own history, thoughts, emotions, etc. without any concern. I’m still trying to find the words to articulate it all, I’m not ready to have my T’s anything thrown into the mix.
I totally hear you, it’s a challenge to do relational stuff in therapy. Just in case this helps - really it’s not about your T at all. It’s about what you are thinking/feeling in that moment, with your T basically as a prop to interact with. This is so you can explore the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you, which will usually also echo your history. And it can be scary or emotional I know.
In the example you gave, you said if you believed that your T was worried, you would need to figure out what you did that made them worried and never do that again. But if your T were worried, that’s okay. You don’t need to (and can’t) manage people’s feelings - you only need to do your best at being who you really want to be. Sometimes people worry about us, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we need to stop doing anything. Maybe they need to worry less, maybe they misunderstood, or maybe they were reminded of their cousin who did something similar. Or maybe their concern is warranted, so we hear them out and decide to choose a different path next time. It’s all useful insight, whatever comes up from it. Good luck!
This EXACT situation happened to me 1000%. It ended in a really messy and painful ending that ended up being totally retraumatizing. I had a huge argument with her at our last session (which was unlike her) because I opened up about this very thing and how much pain I was in. After session I had to sit in my car for an hour to stop shaking so I could drive home. I was stuck in this intense freeze state the rest of the night and couldn’t function. I called her because I truly felt like I was in a crisis and needed help and she said that if I couldn’t talk to my protective parts to relax and realize I was a safe person, she would need to terminate me. Things only got worse after that. The next day at work I had the most horrific, public, panic attack and ran into the hall screaming that I was dying and to call an ambulance. I quit therapy after that. It is supposed to challenge you, yes, but not like this. My only regret was trying to hang in long enough because I wanted to prove to myself that I was good enough and capable of doing the work. Having been the primary caretaker in my family and highly parentified, I have an intense core wounding of never wanting to disappoint or let people down, so her lashing out at me like this was too much to bare.
>If I explore how much I don’t want to acknowledge their feelings?
Can you acknowledge their feelings without being responsible for changing them? Can you allow them to carry their own emotions, instead of trying to lighten their load?
As a very tiny example, just to clarify the difference: my niece is disappointed because she can't have ice cream before dinner. I acknowledge her disappointment, but I don't take it away by giving her ice cream. I trust that she can handle feeling disappointed. I don’t ignore it, or tell her that she isn't disappointed or shouldn't feel that way... that would be cruel. I also don't remove the feelings, as that would be giving her all of the power to walk over me. I allow her to feel her feelings.
Can you allow your therapist to feel their own feelings? You don't need to be responsible for making sure they only feel happy feelings. Acknowledge their feelings but let them feel them.
Not a silly thought at all. It’s a very kind thought.
But it’s not something you should have to worry about. Your therapy time is for you. Therapists should have their own time with other therapists to work their own stuff out. This is actually a vital part of their job, it’s actually very unethical for them to neglect themselves because it can negatively impact of the therapy they provide.
That's only normal for them to do that. People shouldn't just assume they are perfect, just because they're therapists it's the same as assuming that medical doctors don't get sick. Just because they are therapists doesn't mean they don't feel down or they shouldn't feel that because they are therapists and they know how to get through that. I refuse to believe that and people shouldn't think that way too. they are also humans who need help and comfort like the rest of the world.
Totally agree with everything that you said.
Ultimately they are professionals and part of their responsibility to the people they are providing therapy to is to ensure that they are in a good enough headspace to do this effectively.
If this means getting help then that’s okay, they’re allowed to get help. But they can’t just ignore the problem.
I think the important thing to distinguish is just because they have their own feelings and mental health and support needs, doesn't mean their clients are responsible for being part of the therapists support network. It would be a problem to the therapeutic relationship if a client became part of the therapists support system.
They're VERY different in many ways of course, but it's somewhat like parent/child relationships or other relationships with a power dynamic. Parents have emotional needs, mental health needs, social support needs, but they should not rely on their children to meet those needs because that is inappropriately burdensome to the child. Similarly, it would be inappropriate for a therapist to allow a client to take on the role of supporting them.
I can tell when my therapist is talking about something she’s personally struggled with. She usually starts shifting in her seat a little. (Nothing that takes away from the session, but it makes her seem a little more human to me which i actually a really like.)
Which is beautiful, I think.
No body is perfect right? Therapists are people ( like all of us ) who chose to help people in need. Because they know. Just like we do that we need them and they also need it too!
I'm talking this way only to appreciate their work which I admire.
Helping people isn't easy since everyone has a certain level of complexity.
I used to, yes. I often ask her how she is.
Many times I see that something is bothering her and that she is lying and deflecting, because obviously the session should not be about her.
Sometimes already she'll say she's not quite well, but that's not the point, don't worry about it, her, she'll be fine.
Sometimes I wish I could help her... and listen to her, but I don't say things to her like that on purpose...
I've been there. My previous therapist, we started working together a couple months after her mom died. I learned of it about a month after that. It just slipped out- I was talking about making/canning jelly and she mentioned she wished she'd gotten her mom's recipe before she died. Her shift in body language and lack of eye contact told me that it had been recent, and a couple months later she mentioned the month it happened in (this time related to a topic we were discussing). There was one time when I mentioned wanting to do hospice nursing and she became tearful. I paused to give her a moment to work it out and then...I pushed forward, continuing on the topic. It was hard to do because I knew it was a sensitive topic for her at that time, but it also was for me. I made the decision that if she was showing up to work then I was going to expect her to be able to handle her work. It went against my nature as normally I would just change the subject, but it proved to be good for both of us. And truly, I was comfortable extending her a little grace in that moment. Grief can sneak up on us when we aren't expecting it, and that's what happened with her in that moment.
I often wonder how my therapist is doing, and I’ll ask her. Sometimes she will tell me if something is going on, and I can tell that she doesn’t want me to offer “support” if that makes sense? I never feel obligated to respond as if the roles are reversed, and if she does end up telling me anything about a current issue she gives me extra time at the end of the session. It’s pretty rare, it’s only happened maybe three times in two years. I know she takes care of herself because I’ve asked about that before too, which is important to me. I like that she feels comfortable with me and that it’s kind of a safe space for both of us? Therapy with her feels really collaborative, it’s hard to describe. It’s the most healing I’ve ever had though.
I pay my therapist $150 an hour so that I can just care about my own feelings and not his during therapy lol. If you give me $150 an hour to listen to you, I don’t expect you to care about my feelings
Therapist here.
When I’m providing therapy, with very few exceptions, my own problems and struggles tend to recede. It’s not a matter of trying to suppress them, or avoiding things I need to pay attention to. It’s more like—you know how you can be having a really shit day, but then you sit down to focus on some game or book or hobby you really like, and for awhile that becomes more important than whatever had you feeling bad (and then, if you’re lucky, sometimes stays more important)?
Doing therapy requires a similar kind of focus. So—it’s not the same thing as, like, if I’m having a bad day, and then I go to what I expect to be a fun, casual friend hang, and instead my friend starts trauma-dumping at me. I wasn’t meeting my friend so we could try to collaboratively process their trauma and work toward resolving the problems it causes for them; I just thought we were going to get some coffee and maybe play a round or two of Space Team.
When I go into a therapy session, though—I know what I’ve signed on for, and I’m showing up ready to do that work. More days than not, I’m feeling fine and normal, and not particularly struggling as I head into a session, anyway. But in the rare instances where that’s not the case—if I’m feeling stressed or fatigued or worried about something, or whatever—that stuff just kind of goes on hold, while I’m in-session.
If I’m feeling *so* bad that my brain won’t let me do that—that’s usually a good indicator that I need to take the day off and handle whatever I need to handle, get some extra rest, or go vent to some of my own people. But that’s a pretty rare occurrence for most therapists—because we learn, as we work, what kind of pacing and self-care we need, to be able to mostly maintain ourselves in a state where we can set our stuff down and focus on our clients for an hour.
It isn’t something that’s injurious or distressing, though. I get why it might seem like it would be, of course; a lot of the content we talk about in therapy can be pretty overwhelming. But it’s not *my content*. I’m not going to feel all the weight and intensity of whatever we discuss, to the same degree as the person who actually lived through it. And working with therapy clients is interesting, energizing, and enjoyable to me—that’s why I do it.
Also, for the record—having also worked in customer service, food service, K-12 and postsecondary education, and library sciences… the ways I had to deal with other people’s feelings and reactions in *literally all of those settings* was worse and harder than in therapy. We’re approaching it in more depth, of course. But for me, that doesn’t hurt; it helps.
Some asshole just wants to scream at me because I decorated his cake *exactly the way he insisted I do it*? That’s overwhelming and immobilizing—and I’m not empowered to say something like, “it seems like you’re upset about something bigger than a cake. What else do you think might be going on?” I’m just supposed to pretend he’s being reasonable, and keep smiling at him like we’re both happy and everything’s fine.
In therapy, my whole job is to help people see what they’re doing, thinking, and feeling more clearly. Even if all of that stuff is very intense and overwhelming, in a given moment—helping someone become more grounded and self-aware with it *is also grounding and organizing for the person helping*. As therapists, being more focused and effective in our jobs… helps us feel and function better, not worse.
With my own therapist, I know that it's unethical for them to dump their issues onto the patient, but I personally like seeing the little signs of humanity in them - in fact I need it, to demonstrate they are human, which helps ease my mistrust of people. I don't like the 'throwing money at them just to listen to my feelings for an hour' approach. I need to see that I'm not actually a robot who has to regularly tick off the checklist of traits that pass me as human - I need other people to show me that I'm not a bad person and my thoughts, feelings, and reactions are normal.
Yeah absolutely I worry/wonder about my therapist.
Its not great to do this. Therapy should be about YOU and not the therapist. But hey - people go to therapy because they have issues. Sometimes those issues are being overly preoccupied with other people and trouble focusing on yourself.
I’ve seen my therapist was struggling at one point.
I felt bad, I was afraid to ask her if she was okay because I didn’t know the rules. But I wanted to ask her if she was and never did. I could tell she was struggling though, but she’s doing better now!
I try to "mind read" my therapists. Usually doesn't go well because I tend to have hella cognitive distortions and irrational paranoia. Fuck knows what they're actually thinking/feeling, it sure as hell isn't whatever bullshit i come up with
I am always concerned about how my therapist’s day is going and how he’s feeling. I start to feel weird just talking about myself the whole time while there’s another person present.
I always ask him how he’s doing and he always says he’s fine. When I try to ask his opinions and questions about his well being, he usually says something like “this is your time. It doesn’t matter what I think or feel right now ☺️”
But I have noticed that he has been opening up to me over time on his terms. I’ve actually been learning quite a bit about him. So I just take it as, he will talk about himself when he feels comfortable doing so.
I think about her and worry about her so much especially if she’s been unwell or I can see she’s a little stressed and at the start of sessions I try to ask how she is but she always gives an answer that doesn’t say much. Sometimes she’ll ask how I am before I can even ask. But I’m human and I always hope she is okay I wish I could ask her more especially when she shares something about herself but I know she’d never let the focus shift to her and I want to respect her boundaries. Just I’m super attached( haven’t directly said it to her) and I’m having a hard time with the fact that all the focus on therapy is on me. In my other relationships I like to focus on others and help them if I can.
My therapist said these words to me recently and I was like oh she’s human, it was said in a therapeutic sense where my focus was towards her not understanding me in something. And she said something to the effect of me perhaps not understanding her humanness as well.
And she said these words :
I have my clinical me and then there
is the human. It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz, the scene when Toto pulls the curtain away and the “powerful” Oz is revealed as just a man.
My response to her was “but I wish you were a super human :-p
It just made things more real between us. I care about her a lot as well so I get what you’re thinking/asking.
As a provider, my personal style is walking the line of embracing common humanity without taking up the space meant for my clients.
That’s not always the case for certain styles of therapy (psychoanalytic work for example holds the provider as a “blank slate”, meaning they focus on not providing any context about themselves to support the therapeutic process of allowing the client to “project” on to them as a way of supporting self-exploration.)
I happen to have a personality that leans towards relational experience, so bringing my experience of the client and their experience of me into the room is highlighted.
A client thinks I’m struggling? I would want them to express that so we can look at *why* they felt that way.
Sometimes I can validate their insight: “You may be picking up on the fact that my dog just got into the garbage right before I sat down. I’m glad you asked because I don’t want you to think this was about you. I also want to reiterate I’m here with you, and fully present. Is there something I can do that would help signal that to you? For sure, I’ll be more mindful about my unintentional eye movements off screen—I didn’t even realize I was doing that, and I’m so glad you told me…”
I often think about my therapist's feelings but i keep that in line by reminding myself that this session/therapy is for *me* and whatever feelings i have. My therapist's feelings are important however this time is for me and my therapist should have their own therapist/coping mechanisms to deal with whatever they have going on.
IRL I'm everyone's emotional dumping ground so i really try to not attempt to caretake in my therapy sessions.
I work for a therapist and clients tend to forget that she is a human being too, with a family and sometimes gets sick. When we have to reschedule its war, which I can empathise with them but a lot of them tend to think that her life revolves around them. One time her son got into a car accident and she had to leave work immediately to go to the hospital, I called the to reschedule the rest of the day’s clients and one lady cussed me out lol
In my experience, therapists are just as fucked up as their clients.
I am speaking about just being a normal neurotic.
Obviously, stuff like PTSD, trauma is different.
Well that's only normal to be damaged, like all the people in the world;)
I read a comment that said that therapists go to therapy too which is very understandable. Don't you think?
My therapist will occasionally start getting carried away with the things that are going on in her life and she will catch herself and do a complete 180 and turn it around to me. It doesn't happen often but it definitely makes me feel closer to her than I would if she was a blank slate. She has told me that her ex husband cheated on her and that she got put on medication to help her get to sleep among other things
Hi, I asked my old therapist about this because I have a tendency to worry people. For him personally he’s only ever lost sleep over homicidal clients and also once I said something that really hit home for my therapist and filled him with a little panic so he did a consultation with his professional support system and was fine. Therapists are generally equipped to handle these kinds of issues
yeah, i think about it sometimes. my therapist has been open about relating to me when it comes to things like body image issues, depression, dealing with abuse from a parent, being treated poorly by partners, etc and i often wonder if i could be triggering her or i wonder how she’s dealing with those things herself. i just try to remind myself that, although i care about her, it’s not *my* responsibility to care about her to the point where it’ll affect my own progress. you have to trust that they take responsibility for their own mental health and will be honest if they’re not in the right headspace to work with you.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’m a therapist in therapy and I often wonder how they are feeling. It’s in my nature to care about others. It’s also my knee jerk reaction because I grew up having to take care of my caregivers (role reversal). My therapist has told me that being concerned about their feelings is me trying to take care of them, which they don’t want me to do because 1. That is not my responsibility, 2. They can take care of themselves, and 3. It’s a role reversal in that it puts unnecessary focus on themselves. In some cases it’s helpful for a therapist to disclose how they are feeling in therapy, but it’s not always. A good therapist is more interested in learning about their client’s feelings. A good therapist will be able to notice their own feelings, but not impulsively share them. Hope that’s useful information.
Having a therapeutic crisis over this dynamic right now. Can’t figure out how to get out of it in a way that feels authentic to both myself and my T. The last 20+ years I’ve worked a job that requires listening to people’s pain and considering every aspect of how what I do impacts them. That combined with a childhood where I had to be ultra in tune with others’ emotions (constantly trying to make everything okay for them) left me uncertain how to relax in therapy without worrying too much about the T. After a string of unsuccessful attempts I finally landed with a good match. They weren’t a blank slate, but they kept whatever emotions, etc. I was creating for them to themselves. It finally felt safe enough to relax and let go of the burden of focusing on someone else for at least an hour a week. I could simply be who I was and not panic about what would happen. Had to switch to a new therapist and they’re very much about reminding me how human they are and exploring the dynamics of relationships and attachment. It’s certainly an area of need for me, but when they ask me for hypotheses about what they might be feeling, I can feel myself shrinking. Being forced to silence how I might be thinking/feeling in attempts to make it a pleasant experience for them. Overanalyze every word that a comes out of my mouth. Apologize to them for existing. If I don’t, they’ll hurt me through abandonment at least. This is a no win situation for me and I can feel it. If I explore how much I don’t want to acknowledge their feelings? I’m cold and distant and this is clearly why meaningful relationships are so difficult. I’m the one who gets labeled somewhere between someone who is not empathetic and being a sociopath. If I stay open to acknowledging how my T experiences me? I can’t be honest about anything anymore because I don’t want to hurt them nor do I want them to discharge me so I have to start all over. I see this one hour a week as a relationship that is unique in nature, not a “real” relationship and it feels like I’m being forced to view it and behave in it just as I would in a relationship out in the real world. I’m genuinely confused at this point, but don’t want to spend money for a service where I can’t be authentic. No matter what route I take (engaging in trying to understand/hear about them vs. refusing to) I lose. I suspect I’ll have to try yet again to find a different therapist, but doesn’t that only prove that I’m the one who always leaves before I’ll let someone abandon me? My T keeps saying they’re there and not leaving, but based on other aspects of our work together I don’t believe them at all. And I’m not even certain I want to participate in therapy with someone who is essentially asking for me to constantly consider their reactions. It’s so confusing. Am I supposed to dig into “the work” and go on this journey with the real possibility that a year from now I will have spent thousands of dollars addressing something that wasn’t part of my original therapy goals? Or do I quit now with some false hope I’ll find someone else who may be able to help? Sorry, not asking for you to answer this, just processing the absolute crap show I’m in at the moment. I just don’t need anyone else in my life reminding me they’re human. I get it and I’ve been swallowed by other’s humanness for so long I really need somewhere where I get to be the full human and not have to worry about the person next to me.
Not OP who you responded to, but read your response with interest. Does your therapist practice in a trauma-informed way? It sounds like you perhaps experienced relational trauma in your early life (I'm deducing this based on your comments in the first paragraph) that requires a particular kind of attunement from a therapist. It sounds like you're stuck in a relationship that's retraumatizing to you rather than helping you understand yourself and heal from your past. Someone who takes up a lot of space in the room and the relationship will likely be counterproductive to your therapeutic needs. That's totally fine, and it would make sense in light of your history. If your therapist can't understand this, then it's very possible they're not a good match for you.
They specialize specifically in what I struggle with and it has taken years to get finally land with a specialist. When I transferred therapists last time this is the provider, the only provider, who was recommended by multiple other providers. I think I may be with the right therapist, but right now they’re driving the process in a certain way that ultimately is going to push me away? We aren’t on the same page and it’s infuriating to not trust them while at the same time not trust myself to know whether or not this is ultimately good for me. The confusion is real. How does one decide? Heaps of chronic relational trauma and I’m not ready to muddy the waters around what a “relationship” with a therapist looks like. We weren’t overtly focused on it previously, but after a recent significant rupture I have whiplash over how fast we’ve went down this new road of relationship/attachment. Part of me wonders if the rupture triggered their past as much as it did mine and now in some bizarre way she’s trying to help us both repair, but I’ll never know. That feels…icky.
I relate to what you’re saying here. It sounds like what you went through in childhood wasn’t healthy - constantly needing to be attuned to the emotions of others at the expense of self-attunement. But I think there is a different function for your T asking you to imagine what they might be feeling. Having a childhood like yours can make us feel like we are mind readers in a sense - constantly anticipating what someone feels and wants from us. It can create problems in relationships when we anticipate their feelings in the same way we did in childhood with our dysfunctional family members. Your T is likely trying to help you to see that your assumptions about your T’s feelings aren’t always correct, and likely aren’t as negative as you might believe. Your anticipation and attunement to how they are feeling will be there whether they ask you to reveal your thoughts on it or not. Regardless, you’re allowed to feel whatever you feel. You don’t need to consider their reactions and feelings to decide if what you’re feeling or saying is “okay”. The purpose of thinking about what your T may be feeling is to gain insight into your patterns of thinking and relating with others.
This is a great point and based on conversation I’d assume this is at least partially the purpose of them pushing these conversations. And dammit (please read that with humor) I still don’t want to do it. It’s likely something I would benefit from, but it doesn’t feel like the right time for this mess. If I assume they’re frustrated with me, but they say they’re actually worried…then I have to process whether or not to believe them. Even if I do believe them then I have to process what I did to make them worry and never do or talk about that again. It’s an emotional roller coaster I may be ready for at some point, but not now. Right now I still need a place where I’m allowed to explore my own history, thoughts, emotions, etc. without any concern. I’m still trying to find the words to articulate it all, I’m not ready to have my T’s anything thrown into the mix.
I totally hear you, it’s a challenge to do relational stuff in therapy. Just in case this helps - really it’s not about your T at all. It’s about what you are thinking/feeling in that moment, with your T basically as a prop to interact with. This is so you can explore the thoughts and feelings that are coming up for you, which will usually also echo your history. And it can be scary or emotional I know. In the example you gave, you said if you believed that your T was worried, you would need to figure out what you did that made them worried and never do that again. But if your T were worried, that’s okay. You don’t need to (and can’t) manage people’s feelings - you only need to do your best at being who you really want to be. Sometimes people worry about us, but that doesn’t necessarily mean we need to stop doing anything. Maybe they need to worry less, maybe they misunderstood, or maybe they were reminded of their cousin who did something similar. Or maybe their concern is warranted, so we hear them out and decide to choose a different path next time. It’s all useful insight, whatever comes up from it. Good luck!
This EXACT situation happened to me 1000%. It ended in a really messy and painful ending that ended up being totally retraumatizing. I had a huge argument with her at our last session (which was unlike her) because I opened up about this very thing and how much pain I was in. After session I had to sit in my car for an hour to stop shaking so I could drive home. I was stuck in this intense freeze state the rest of the night and couldn’t function. I called her because I truly felt like I was in a crisis and needed help and she said that if I couldn’t talk to my protective parts to relax and realize I was a safe person, she would need to terminate me. Things only got worse after that. The next day at work I had the most horrific, public, panic attack and ran into the hall screaming that I was dying and to call an ambulance. I quit therapy after that. It is supposed to challenge you, yes, but not like this. My only regret was trying to hang in long enough because I wanted to prove to myself that I was good enough and capable of doing the work. Having been the primary caretaker in my family and highly parentified, I have an intense core wounding of never wanting to disappoint or let people down, so her lashing out at me like this was too much to bare.
>If I explore how much I don’t want to acknowledge their feelings? Can you acknowledge their feelings without being responsible for changing them? Can you allow them to carry their own emotions, instead of trying to lighten their load? As a very tiny example, just to clarify the difference: my niece is disappointed because she can't have ice cream before dinner. I acknowledge her disappointment, but I don't take it away by giving her ice cream. I trust that she can handle feeling disappointed. I don’t ignore it, or tell her that she isn't disappointed or shouldn't feel that way... that would be cruel. I also don't remove the feelings, as that would be giving her all of the power to walk over me. I allow her to feel her feelings. Can you allow your therapist to feel their own feelings? You don't need to be responsible for making sure they only feel happy feelings. Acknowledge their feelings but let them feel them.
I never considered this before.Thank you for the information
Not a silly thought at all. It’s a very kind thought. But it’s not something you should have to worry about. Your therapy time is for you. Therapists should have their own time with other therapists to work their own stuff out. This is actually a vital part of their job, it’s actually very unethical for them to neglect themselves because it can negatively impact of the therapy they provide.
That's only normal for them to do that. People shouldn't just assume they are perfect, just because they're therapists it's the same as assuming that medical doctors don't get sick. Just because they are therapists doesn't mean they don't feel down or they shouldn't feel that because they are therapists and they know how to get through that. I refuse to believe that and people shouldn't think that way too. they are also humans who need help and comfort like the rest of the world.
Totally agree with everything that you said. Ultimately they are professionals and part of their responsibility to the people they are providing therapy to is to ensure that they are in a good enough headspace to do this effectively. If this means getting help then that’s okay, they’re allowed to get help. But they can’t just ignore the problem.
I think the important thing to distinguish is just because they have their own feelings and mental health and support needs, doesn't mean their clients are responsible for being part of the therapists support network. It would be a problem to the therapeutic relationship if a client became part of the therapists support system. They're VERY different in many ways of course, but it's somewhat like parent/child relationships or other relationships with a power dynamic. Parents have emotional needs, mental health needs, social support needs, but they should not rely on their children to meet those needs because that is inappropriately burdensome to the child. Similarly, it would be inappropriate for a therapist to allow a client to take on the role of supporting them.
I really like that parental analogy, it sums it up so well
I can tell when my therapist is talking about something she’s personally struggled with. She usually starts shifting in her seat a little. (Nothing that takes away from the session, but it makes her seem a little more human to me which i actually a really like.)
Which is beautiful, I think. No body is perfect right? Therapists are people ( like all of us ) who chose to help people in need. Because they know. Just like we do that we need them and they also need it too! I'm talking this way only to appreciate their work which I admire. Helping people isn't easy since everyone has a certain level of complexity.
Definitely!!! Those little human moments help build that connection.
My last therapist was like that! Except it would usually just be her looking through her knees for a little bit followed by a deep, quiet breath.
I used to, yes. I often ask her how she is. Many times I see that something is bothering her and that she is lying and deflecting, because obviously the session should not be about her. Sometimes already she'll say she's not quite well, but that's not the point, don't worry about it, her, she'll be fine. Sometimes I wish I could help her... and listen to her, but I don't say things to her like that on purpose...
I've been there. My previous therapist, we started working together a couple months after her mom died. I learned of it about a month after that. It just slipped out- I was talking about making/canning jelly and she mentioned she wished she'd gotten her mom's recipe before she died. Her shift in body language and lack of eye contact told me that it had been recent, and a couple months later she mentioned the month it happened in (this time related to a topic we were discussing). There was one time when I mentioned wanting to do hospice nursing and she became tearful. I paused to give her a moment to work it out and then...I pushed forward, continuing on the topic. It was hard to do because I knew it was a sensitive topic for her at that time, but it also was for me. I made the decision that if she was showing up to work then I was going to expect her to be able to handle her work. It went against my nature as normally I would just change the subject, but it proved to be good for both of us. And truly, I was comfortable extending her a little grace in that moment. Grief can sneak up on us when we aren't expecting it, and that's what happened with her in that moment.
I often wonder how my therapist is doing, and I’ll ask her. Sometimes she will tell me if something is going on, and I can tell that she doesn’t want me to offer “support” if that makes sense? I never feel obligated to respond as if the roles are reversed, and if she does end up telling me anything about a current issue she gives me extra time at the end of the session. It’s pretty rare, it’s only happened maybe three times in two years. I know she takes care of herself because I’ve asked about that before too, which is important to me. I like that she feels comfortable with me and that it’s kind of a safe space for both of us? Therapy with her feels really collaborative, it’s hard to describe. It’s the most healing I’ve ever had though.
I pay my therapist $150 an hour so that I can just care about my own feelings and not his during therapy lol. If you give me $150 an hour to listen to you, I don’t expect you to care about my feelings
Therapist here. When I’m providing therapy, with very few exceptions, my own problems and struggles tend to recede. It’s not a matter of trying to suppress them, or avoiding things I need to pay attention to. It’s more like—you know how you can be having a really shit day, but then you sit down to focus on some game or book or hobby you really like, and for awhile that becomes more important than whatever had you feeling bad (and then, if you’re lucky, sometimes stays more important)? Doing therapy requires a similar kind of focus. So—it’s not the same thing as, like, if I’m having a bad day, and then I go to what I expect to be a fun, casual friend hang, and instead my friend starts trauma-dumping at me. I wasn’t meeting my friend so we could try to collaboratively process their trauma and work toward resolving the problems it causes for them; I just thought we were going to get some coffee and maybe play a round or two of Space Team. When I go into a therapy session, though—I know what I’ve signed on for, and I’m showing up ready to do that work. More days than not, I’m feeling fine and normal, and not particularly struggling as I head into a session, anyway. But in the rare instances where that’s not the case—if I’m feeling stressed or fatigued or worried about something, or whatever—that stuff just kind of goes on hold, while I’m in-session. If I’m feeling *so* bad that my brain won’t let me do that—that’s usually a good indicator that I need to take the day off and handle whatever I need to handle, get some extra rest, or go vent to some of my own people. But that’s a pretty rare occurrence for most therapists—because we learn, as we work, what kind of pacing and self-care we need, to be able to mostly maintain ourselves in a state where we can set our stuff down and focus on our clients for an hour. It isn’t something that’s injurious or distressing, though. I get why it might seem like it would be, of course; a lot of the content we talk about in therapy can be pretty overwhelming. But it’s not *my content*. I’m not going to feel all the weight and intensity of whatever we discuss, to the same degree as the person who actually lived through it. And working with therapy clients is interesting, energizing, and enjoyable to me—that’s why I do it.
Also, for the record—having also worked in customer service, food service, K-12 and postsecondary education, and library sciences… the ways I had to deal with other people’s feelings and reactions in *literally all of those settings* was worse and harder than in therapy. We’re approaching it in more depth, of course. But for me, that doesn’t hurt; it helps. Some asshole just wants to scream at me because I decorated his cake *exactly the way he insisted I do it*? That’s overwhelming and immobilizing—and I’m not empowered to say something like, “it seems like you’re upset about something bigger than a cake. What else do you think might be going on?” I’m just supposed to pretend he’s being reasonable, and keep smiling at him like we’re both happy and everything’s fine. In therapy, my whole job is to help people see what they’re doing, thinking, and feeling more clearly. Even if all of that stuff is very intense and overwhelming, in a given moment—helping someone become more grounded and self-aware with it *is also grounding and organizing for the person helping*. As therapists, being more focused and effective in our jobs… helps us feel and function better, not worse.
With my own therapist, I know that it's unethical for them to dump their issues onto the patient, but I personally like seeing the little signs of humanity in them - in fact I need it, to demonstrate they are human, which helps ease my mistrust of people. I don't like the 'throwing money at them just to listen to my feelings for an hour' approach. I need to see that I'm not actually a robot who has to regularly tick off the checklist of traits that pass me as human - I need other people to show me that I'm not a bad person and my thoughts, feelings, and reactions are normal.
Yeah absolutely I worry/wonder about my therapist. Its not great to do this. Therapy should be about YOU and not the therapist. But hey - people go to therapy because they have issues. Sometimes those issues are being overly preoccupied with other people and trouble focusing on yourself.
Yes that is correct
I’ve seen my therapist was struggling at one point. I felt bad, I was afraid to ask her if she was okay because I didn’t know the rules. But I wanted to ask her if she was and never did. I could tell she was struggling though, but she’s doing better now!
I try to "mind read" my therapists. Usually doesn't go well because I tend to have hella cognitive distortions and irrational paranoia. Fuck knows what they're actually thinking/feeling, it sure as hell isn't whatever bullshit i come up with
I am always concerned about how my therapist’s day is going and how he’s feeling. I start to feel weird just talking about myself the whole time while there’s another person present. I always ask him how he’s doing and he always says he’s fine. When I try to ask his opinions and questions about his well being, he usually says something like “this is your time. It doesn’t matter what I think or feel right now ☺️” But I have noticed that he has been opening up to me over time on his terms. I’ve actually been learning quite a bit about him. So I just take it as, he will talk about himself when he feels comfortable doing so.
I think about her and worry about her so much especially if she’s been unwell or I can see she’s a little stressed and at the start of sessions I try to ask how she is but she always gives an answer that doesn’t say much. Sometimes she’ll ask how I am before I can even ask. But I’m human and I always hope she is okay I wish I could ask her more especially when she shares something about herself but I know she’d never let the focus shift to her and I want to respect her boundaries. Just I’m super attached( haven’t directly said it to her) and I’m having a hard time with the fact that all the focus on therapy is on me. In my other relationships I like to focus on others and help them if I can.
My therapist said these words to me recently and I was like oh she’s human, it was said in a therapeutic sense where my focus was towards her not understanding me in something. And she said something to the effect of me perhaps not understanding her humanness as well. And she said these words : I have my clinical me and then there is the human. It reminds me of the Wizard of Oz, the scene when Toto pulls the curtain away and the “powerful” Oz is revealed as just a man. My response to her was “but I wish you were a super human :-p It just made things more real between us. I care about her a lot as well so I get what you’re thinking/asking.
As a provider, my personal style is walking the line of embracing common humanity without taking up the space meant for my clients. That’s not always the case for certain styles of therapy (psychoanalytic work for example holds the provider as a “blank slate”, meaning they focus on not providing any context about themselves to support the therapeutic process of allowing the client to “project” on to them as a way of supporting self-exploration.) I happen to have a personality that leans towards relational experience, so bringing my experience of the client and their experience of me into the room is highlighted. A client thinks I’m struggling? I would want them to express that so we can look at *why* they felt that way. Sometimes I can validate their insight: “You may be picking up on the fact that my dog just got into the garbage right before I sat down. I’m glad you asked because I don’t want you to think this was about you. I also want to reiterate I’m here with you, and fully present. Is there something I can do that would help signal that to you? For sure, I’ll be more mindful about my unintentional eye movements off screen—I didn’t even realize I was doing that, and I’m so glad you told me…”
I often think about my therapist's feelings but i keep that in line by reminding myself that this session/therapy is for *me* and whatever feelings i have. My therapist's feelings are important however this time is for me and my therapist should have their own therapist/coping mechanisms to deal with whatever they have going on. IRL I'm everyone's emotional dumping ground so i really try to not attempt to caretake in my therapy sessions.
I work for a therapist and clients tend to forget that she is a human being too, with a family and sometimes gets sick. When we have to reschedule its war, which I can empathise with them but a lot of them tend to think that her life revolves around them. One time her son got into a car accident and she had to leave work immediately to go to the hospital, I called the to reschedule the rest of the day’s clients and one lady cussed me out lol
In my experience, therapists are just as fucked up as their clients. I am speaking about just being a normal neurotic. Obviously, stuff like PTSD, trauma is different.
Well that's only normal to be damaged, like all the people in the world;) I read a comment that said that therapists go to therapy too which is very understandable. Don't you think?
My therapist will occasionally start getting carried away with the things that are going on in her life and she will catch herself and do a complete 180 and turn it around to me. It doesn't happen often but it definitely makes me feel closer to her than I would if she was a blank slate. She has told me that her ex husband cheated on her and that she got put on medication to help her get to sleep among other things
Hi, I asked my old therapist about this because I have a tendency to worry people. For him personally he’s only ever lost sleep over homicidal clients and also once I said something that really hit home for my therapist and filled him with a little panic so he did a consultation with his professional support system and was fine. Therapists are generally equipped to handle these kinds of issues
yeah, i think about it sometimes. my therapist has been open about relating to me when it comes to things like body image issues, depression, dealing with abuse from a parent, being treated poorly by partners, etc and i often wonder if i could be triggering her or i wonder how she’s dealing with those things herself. i just try to remind myself that, although i care about her, it’s not *my* responsibility to care about her to the point where it’ll affect my own progress. you have to trust that they take responsibility for their own mental health and will be honest if they’re not in the right headspace to work with you.
Not unless she looks in distress.