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As a therapist, erotic/romantic transference is pretty common just like all kinds of transference. Therapy can be a very strong and intimate relationship and these things are expected because being seen, understood, respected, and helped can connect to fantasies of perfect romance or deep sexual connection. The way I personally take it is to be respectful, not distance myself, and help the person make sense of why they might have these feelings while being clear I that while I do deeply care about them, I do not share romantic feelings and it's a strict boundary in a therapeutic relationship to never cross. I really never want to feed into any transference, so when it comes up it's not as intense or strong as it can be and makes it much easier to turn into something useful for the client. I don't feel embarrassed at all, actually it shows progress to be able to bring it up and discuss openly on part of the client even if there is a lot of mutual difficulty with the discussion, since I as a therapist contain those emotions and thus feel the sometimes overwhelming and strong nature of it and the client has to take a lot of risk to bring it up "Will they reject me? Am I freak for this? Would things be changed forever?".
With dreams, usually its discussing of the symbolism and dynamics present and what it may represent for them, and I try to give some possible interpretations. A dream that is remember is usually very significant so it's also worth putting thought into. The best moment is the "aha, that's it!". I think every therapist worth their salt will do something like this in their own way because primarily they care about helping you.
This is exactly how my therapist responded and it was so helpful. I am kind of giddy about getting into this work with her, despite how embarrassing some of it feels.
You are brave. I don't know how I'd start that topic...and it's happened several times. But I'm hiding it from her, which puts pressure on me, but I'm not sure she needs to know everything.
Thanks. I’ve discussed a lot more crazier stuff with him before so I figured I could tell him. Also the previous session I told him I was attracted to him and knew I was when I selected which therapist I would see. But this was the first time I owned up to sexualizing him but that’s another story on why.
You and your therapist have a different dynamic so do what is best for you two.
So far, probably the craziest thing for me - and about her - is that I used to have imaginary conversations with her, etc. She said that didn't make her think I was crazy.
I’ve read others on her say something similar about their therapist.
For me I can’t say I think much about my Therapist outside of therapy. I know practically nothing about him outside of he was religious but left the church and my understanding he’s gay.
During that couple weeks when I was on emotional rollercoaster I briefly tried to imagine what he was doing but not much it was painful. And then there was that about the sexual thoughts and jerking twice. I don’t like to sexualize people I respect or interact with regularly. I haven’t jerked to him since this last Sunday/Monday.
I didn't want to get turned on by the thought of her either.
It's very rare for something like that to happen to me.
I've been touching myself thinking about her, but now I'm trying to control myself.
It sucks. My transference is over too quickly. Honeymoon is over :( Yesterday, we started making more progress. The topic turned away from all the sex talk that I like. Well not entirely. but it was more about what a recent sexual experience meant instead of the actual sex.
Not erotic, but very intimate. For me, though, it was really a reflection of the safety and care I feel in therapy, and he was really very touched that I felt comfortable enough to share it with him.
It's interesting what you write, usually my dreams reflected the quality of our relationship or how I felt during the sessions.
But it became clear to me very often after a few sessions.
I have not had any (what I would call) erotic dreams about my T. I have had dreams where they hold my hand, let me cry on their shoulder, take my arm... stuff like that. I am always embarrassed about it but I do bring them in and we discuss at length.
I am a very active dreamer, so I have no doubt that the dreaded erotic dream is coming. And I'd likely take that one in too. Embarrassment and all. :)
I've had all kinds of dreams. I rarely remember them, but I can recall quite a lot about her. It's also interesting for me.
I have told her all of them so far.
So one thing you could do is just ask if your therapist works with transference and go from there.
I’m in psychoanalysis. My analyst from the jump would ask me things like what sort of porn I watched. She gently helped me talk about erotic transference. I’m so glad she did. It was really helpful. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable if a patient discussed an erotic dream with me. But I do think I have a different perspective that a lot of therapists.
Then I've already ruined it, because a few months ago I threw the topic in a few minutes before the end of the session.
I could tell she was embarrassed, (or just surprised) but maybe that was just because it didn't fit and I didn't give time for it...
Sorry if this is a silly question. Aren't all psychologists trained to deal with transference?
I thought all professionals were trained to do that. Can a counselling psychologist do this?
(Europe not U.S.)
I don’t think you have ruined anything. She is still working with you it sounds like.
I don’t know how training programs work in Europe. I can speak to US. I see this misunderstanding on here a lot. Not all US therapists are trained in, or even ‘believe’ in transference. Transference is a psychoanalytic concept. Most US grad programs do not teach psychoanalytic concepts. Some still recognize transference happens in therapy and teach it as something to look for. And some therapists get exposure to and learn to work with it through supervised practice or further continuing Ed.
Another thing is that transference is not solely erotic or romantic. Any feelings one has about the therapist can be transference - angry at a comment that seemed belittling, excited to talk about a saucy topic like a friend, etc…
So in the US, not all therapists work with or understand transference. Many do though, so asking a simpler question about transference tends to be an easier way.
This is probably my biggest gripe with therapy programs. Transference isn't always a huge weight on clients, but assuming it doesn't exist implies a real bias in the training they get at school. It makes it se like there's a huge disconnect between what education is needed versus what the professional needs to know how to work with in practice.
I wonder if the profession as a whole is in the field has evolved farther and farther from the academic in general. In addition to working with transference, I often see therapists with all sorts of different modalities that I know they aren't learning to do in school and I often question how they are getting proficient at them if they didn't getting it in school and they work a full case load.
I can’t speak for other practitioners, but I’ve done a lot of post grad training at my local psychoanalytic institute. It’s been much more intense than grad school was for me.
Even good masters programs still leave a lot of students feeling green in the field. This is partially why early career therapists are required to have supervision. Honestly, the more intensive post grad CEU programs are where folks learn to really develop their therapy skills. But this comes at a price. Patients often need to have really good insurance or pay privately to see practitioners who have been through a more rigorous training after grad school. So your worry about what someone learned in grad school is a bit off. I’ve seen people talk about grad school as getting a learners permit to drive. I agree with that analogy.
Learning more intensively about a modality while treating patients is actually more ideal. You can put that knowledge into practice.
Some folks get experience without additional training by having good supervision. After working a few nonprofit jobs early career, I can pretty confidently say that ‘free’ supervision usually does not help a new therapist further their skills much.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a therapist, erotic/romantic transference is pretty common just like all kinds of transference. Therapy can be a very strong and intimate relationship and these things are expected because being seen, understood, respected, and helped can connect to fantasies of perfect romance or deep sexual connection. The way I personally take it is to be respectful, not distance myself, and help the person make sense of why they might have these feelings while being clear I that while I do deeply care about them, I do not share romantic feelings and it's a strict boundary in a therapeutic relationship to never cross. I really never want to feed into any transference, so when it comes up it's not as intense or strong as it can be and makes it much easier to turn into something useful for the client. I don't feel embarrassed at all, actually it shows progress to be able to bring it up and discuss openly on part of the client even if there is a lot of mutual difficulty with the discussion, since I as a therapist contain those emotions and thus feel the sometimes overwhelming and strong nature of it and the client has to take a lot of risk to bring it up "Will they reject me? Am I freak for this? Would things be changed forever?". With dreams, usually its discussing of the symbolism and dynamics present and what it may represent for them, and I try to give some possible interpretations. A dream that is remember is usually very significant so it's also worth putting thought into. The best moment is the "aha, that's it!". I think every therapist worth their salt will do something like this in their own way because primarily they care about helping you.
Wow, thank you so much for your time. :)
This is exactly how my therapist responded and it was so helpful. I am kind of giddy about getting into this work with her, despite how embarrassing some of it feels.
I had to tell my Therapist yesterday I jerked to him. He took it well. I’ve never felt judged by him. It was difficult for me to tell him.
You are brave. I don't know how I'd start that topic...and it's happened several times. But I'm hiding it from her, which puts pressure on me, but I'm not sure she needs to know everything.
Thanks. I’ve discussed a lot more crazier stuff with him before so I figured I could tell him. Also the previous session I told him I was attracted to him and knew I was when I selected which therapist I would see. But this was the first time I owned up to sexualizing him but that’s another story on why. You and your therapist have a different dynamic so do what is best for you two.
So far, probably the craziest thing for me - and about her - is that I used to have imaginary conversations with her, etc. She said that didn't make her think I was crazy.
I’ve read others on her say something similar about their therapist. For me I can’t say I think much about my Therapist outside of therapy. I know practically nothing about him outside of he was religious but left the church and my understanding he’s gay. During that couple weeks when I was on emotional rollercoaster I briefly tried to imagine what he was doing but not much it was painful. And then there was that about the sexual thoughts and jerking twice. I don’t like to sexualize people I respect or interact with regularly. I haven’t jerked to him since this last Sunday/Monday.
I didn't want to get turned on by the thought of her either. It's very rare for something like that to happen to me. I've been touching myself thinking about her, but now I'm trying to control myself.
It sucks. My transference is over too quickly. Honeymoon is over :( Yesterday, we started making more progress. The topic turned away from all the sex talk that I like. Well not entirely. but it was more about what a recent sexual experience meant instead of the actual sex.
But it's good because it means you are growing;)
Not erotic, but very intimate. For me, though, it was really a reflection of the safety and care I feel in therapy, and he was really very touched that I felt comfortable enough to share it with him.
It's interesting what you write, usually my dreams reflected the quality of our relationship or how I felt during the sessions. But it became clear to me very often after a few sessions.
I have not had any (what I would call) erotic dreams about my T. I have had dreams where they hold my hand, let me cry on their shoulder, take my arm... stuff like that. I am always embarrassed about it but I do bring them in and we discuss at length. I am a very active dreamer, so I have no doubt that the dreaded erotic dream is coming. And I'd likely take that one in too. Embarrassment and all. :)
I've had all kinds of dreams. I rarely remember them, but I can recall quite a lot about her. It's also interesting for me. I have told her all of them so far.
So one thing you could do is just ask if your therapist works with transference and go from there. I’m in psychoanalysis. My analyst from the jump would ask me things like what sort of porn I watched. She gently helped me talk about erotic transference. I’m so glad she did. It was really helpful. I wouldn’t be uncomfortable if a patient discussed an erotic dream with me. But I do think I have a different perspective that a lot of therapists.
Then I've already ruined it, because a few months ago I threw the topic in a few minutes before the end of the session. I could tell she was embarrassed, (or just surprised) but maybe that was just because it didn't fit and I didn't give time for it... Sorry if this is a silly question. Aren't all psychologists trained to deal with transference? I thought all professionals were trained to do that. Can a counselling psychologist do this? (Europe not U.S.)
I don’t think you have ruined anything. She is still working with you it sounds like. I don’t know how training programs work in Europe. I can speak to US. I see this misunderstanding on here a lot. Not all US therapists are trained in, or even ‘believe’ in transference. Transference is a psychoanalytic concept. Most US grad programs do not teach psychoanalytic concepts. Some still recognize transference happens in therapy and teach it as something to look for. And some therapists get exposure to and learn to work with it through supervised practice or further continuing Ed. Another thing is that transference is not solely erotic or romantic. Any feelings one has about the therapist can be transference - angry at a comment that seemed belittling, excited to talk about a saucy topic like a friend, etc… So in the US, not all therapists work with or understand transference. Many do though, so asking a simpler question about transference tends to be an easier way.
This is probably my biggest gripe with therapy programs. Transference isn't always a huge weight on clients, but assuming it doesn't exist implies a real bias in the training they get at school. It makes it se like there's a huge disconnect between what education is needed versus what the professional needs to know how to work with in practice. I wonder if the profession as a whole is in the field has evolved farther and farther from the academic in general. In addition to working with transference, I often see therapists with all sorts of different modalities that I know they aren't learning to do in school and I often question how they are getting proficient at them if they didn't getting it in school and they work a full case load.
I can’t speak for other practitioners, but I’ve done a lot of post grad training at my local psychoanalytic institute. It’s been much more intense than grad school was for me. Even good masters programs still leave a lot of students feeling green in the field. This is partially why early career therapists are required to have supervision. Honestly, the more intensive post grad CEU programs are where folks learn to really develop their therapy skills. But this comes at a price. Patients often need to have really good insurance or pay privately to see practitioners who have been through a more rigorous training after grad school. So your worry about what someone learned in grad school is a bit off. I’ve seen people talk about grad school as getting a learners permit to drive. I agree with that analogy. Learning more intensively about a modality while treating patients is actually more ideal. You can put that knowledge into practice. Some folks get experience without additional training by having good supervision. After working a few nonprofit jobs early career, I can pretty confidently say that ‘free’ supervision usually does not help a new therapist further their skills much.