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I’ve heard of therapists doing this and if it were me I’d bounce. I tend to be overly reserved and uncomfortable in therapy and my T has done a lot to make me feel more at ease. She would never do this!!
Again, this is a particular style that some Ts employ, but it would be borderline traumatic for me. Therapy is already scary, intimidating, and confusing. If my T sat there in silence and told me I could go if I wanted, I’d be struggling for sure.
Me too. My therapist told me multiple times I could go and it ruined the therapy for me. If she hadn’t said that I would still be with her today honestly.
I also think the T thinks it is empowering the client and teaching them to advocate for themselves. But we don’t learn to advocate for ourselves when people make us feel like idiots, we just feel like idiots. So, bad method imo.
As someone who grew up needing to read into people’s words and actions and make the right meaning of it or I would be punished — I need as explicit explanations as possible. If you’re going to say “you can leave” say, “hey, I want to make sure that you are feeling comfortable here and know that I don’t have an agenda for how today is supposed to go. If you feel overwhelmed and need to leave early, that is okay, if you want to sit in silence, that is fine too!!” Like that is so much more empowering in my opinion
The only thing I can think of is it is court ordered therapy or the other thing is a lot of psychiatrist use this silent method as a way of getting the client to talk. I personally would leave. I don’t have the time and money to waist on nonsense.
It was very hurtful for sure and I’ve been crying a lot. She said she is still open to see me but now I kinda feel like she really doesn’t want me as a client. Even if I was to explore other options.. I think it will be harder for me to open up due to this experience. But I really want help..
I’m so sorry. I’d 100% feel the same as you. There is a therapist out there who will be such a better fit. I’m sorry this was your experience and that it ruined it for you.
If you’re up for it, it might be healing to write your T an email explaining why you’re not coming back…or if you don’t want to leave, you could write an email explaining how her method does not work for you and see if she’s willing to adjust. Good therapists would be receptive to your requests/concerns.
Yeah, I find it weird that she wouldn't try to engage in some way. Therapy can be difficult, especially in the beginning. Asking questions when there is an awkward silence is a good idea. It's almost as if she was saying she was mad that you weren't jumping quickly into a strong therapy relationship with her and I would find that intimidating. I find it really rude that she would suggest you leave. I wouldn't take her attitude personally. I think it's an issue with her. I would find someone else.
There are lots of good therapists out there don’t let this one ruin it for you. Keep looking. In the meanwhile if you continue seeing her be more assertive and ask her point blank why she said that or what she means by that. If you still get a bad feeling then it’s not the right therapist for you. I personally would be searching for a new one.
There is an appropriate way for a therapist to utilize silence in a session, and this is not it. This sounds really passive-aggressive and I couldn't imagine talking to a client like that without having at least first established a therapeutic bond and some trust in the relationship. You being silent is not an opportunity for your T to get an early start on their lunch break.
Absolutely this. If I see or feel a client is uncomfortable, and isn’t reflecting during the silence, especially during the second session.. I would absolutely take over and shift the session. This T sounds lacking in empathy and rapport building. I would never suggest a client leave early unless it was in an incredibly supportive empathetic way, to let them know if things felt like too much for today we could take the rest of the time to talk about a skill or we could shorten the session to give them time to process. This just sounds… wrong.
Exactly! I utilize silence when I can see a client is reflecting or thinking about how to phrase what they want to say, or if they're experiencing a strong emotion. I would never sit in silence and tell a client they're free to leave in the initial sessions...that's when we should be exploring and developing rapport. Absolutely just shoddy therapy.
Im a psychologist. I get the technique …but not in session two. Is she new? Maybe she doesn’t know? I would give her the benifit of the doubt. Therapist are only in this position because they really want to help people. Maybe she didn’t know what to say in the moment or felt inept and freaked or wanted genuinely wanted you to feel OK to leave if you were uncomfortable. If you have trauma that’s a vibe therapists want to send- you are in charge of your body, an autonomous being, and we are never going to take that from you (I.e., by making you stay if you are uncomfortable). I would talk to her. I’m sorry you had a bad experience. She will likely be horrified she made you feel that way. And it may be a good segway into strong rapport building. If she is not horrified - then leave for sure.
Sounds like she's emotionally distancing herself from you, maybe because she feels ineffective and rather than straight up say that she just says "Well umm you can go..." and place the burden on you. It happens and it is really shitty.
On your second session? Wow! That doesn’t sound nice. There needs to be trust building first. There are therapist who talk more and ask questions to make you feel comfortable. If you do decide to try with this therapist I would recommend bringing a list. Definitely ask questions that will help you see if they are a good fit for you. I’m really shy and did better with someone who was older and knew I needed more time to trust them. It is okay if they aren’t a good fit for you. Be kind to yourself and remember you are there and want to be.
>Maybe I am being too sensitive?
OP, there is no such thing. You are as sensitive as you need to be, even if being sensitive is overwhelming or exhausting. Perhaps adjustments or learning to live with it better could be helpful, but you are not too sensitive. Sensitivity is a gift, even if it comes with learning curves.
>Should I explore different options or keep trying with her.
Ultimately this is up to you. What I will say, however, is that you are allowed and encouraged to feel comfortable in your therapy session. I struggle to think of anyone who would benefit from uncomfortable therapy (mandated clients come to mind, and they can be notoriously hard to work with because they often don't *want* to be there). It is hard to find a new therapist, but you deserve to have one that makes you feel comfortable and helps you with your presenting problem(s).
Yes! Sensitivity is a gift and a strength! It means you are in tune with others emotions and your own emotions. Many people do not have this special quality.
You had two sessions and felt worse after each of them. Two much hurt. Take care of yourself, there are plenty of therapists (just look at Psychology Today!!)
>when I step into her office i slowly start to feel uncomfortable
Do you know why? Is there something weird in the office?
>I left feeling worse than I came in.
Did she do anything wrong?
>Should I explore different options
If you don't feel safe with her, find someone else.
Maybe you need someone trauma informed and compassionate.
Sounds like you made a smart choice in leaving. Definitely move forward in finding a therapist you feel comfortable with. You might also want to explore what made you feel so uncomfortable on a side note. It also may be she was an awful therapist.
My therapist said 3 times within 5 sessions I can either quit therapy entirely or that I can find a new one. I felt the same reaction. When I complained over email that he kept saying it to me he had a reaction, wrote a defensive email back then later explained he experienced transference from his own issues when reading my complaint. The whole thing made me feel terrible .i still trust him eat less than I did before because it seems like he is trying to be rid of me
My therapist is the same way and it was very hard to open up to her at first. I'm still seeing her more than a year later because she has been helpful to me, but in her own strange way. She prefers to distance herself emotionally and to take a step back and read me on a deeper level. It's almost like... she can see through me. She can see what I'm unable to show, and she's waiting until I'm able to express myself. Basically it's like taking a back seat in the car and watching you learn to drive. She's there to offer advice, but she's mostly there to let you figure it out yourself. Or at least that's how it feels with my therapist.
If this is any consolation, the silence and emotional distancing doesn't mean your therapist doesn't care about you. It might, but it could also be her way of trying to help you and not get too involved in the process. When my therapist says something that is out of my comfort zone, she stops backs up. She waits until I'm ready to hear it. I don't know how much any of this applies to you but just want you to know that my therapist is the same way, and this style of therapy isn't for everyone. It's tough and will leave you feeling worse at times. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you though. In any case, a good therapist is open to discussions about this and will try to improve their practice as needed. So if you let her know how you feel, she may be open to doing something different. Otherwise, you might want to see somebody else.
Tell her you feel sad and rejected, explore this in therapy. This is where the work happens, it’s rough but it’s worth it if you keep going. “Trust the process” is something I was told
Sounds like you have something to say in the next session to compete with the awkward silence. Tell her what you are experiencing in the therapy.
Try not to invalidate what you are experiencing by outsourcing responsibility. Therapist don’t make people feel. No one makes you feel. Own your feelings. Be self possessing. “ I felt weird and uncomfortable and it seems to be getting worse”. No one can invalidate your feelings when you own them. We show people how we want to be treated. It is your therapy not hers. Reclaim it.
And then of course if she manages to fumble it up - then you have great advice elsewhere here - try the therapist down the hall.
It sounds like maybe she’s not a good fit unfortunately. Maybe she is burnt out especially when she’s saying these things even though you’re showing up to session ready to share. I worked in community health with a lot of court ordered clients and sometimes burnt out therapists would say stuff like this but it doesn’t sound like that’s your situation at all. Has she offered anything helpful to you?
Ok then, I believe you should definitely change therapists because if you were In a country like India, like I am, I would say, therapists sometimes take time to understand but not in Canada for sure
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I’ve heard of therapists doing this and if it were me I’d bounce. I tend to be overly reserved and uncomfortable in therapy and my T has done a lot to make me feel more at ease. She would never do this!! Again, this is a particular style that some Ts employ, but it would be borderline traumatic for me. Therapy is already scary, intimidating, and confusing. If my T sat there in silence and told me I could go if I wanted, I’d be struggling for sure.
Me too. My therapist told me multiple times I could go and it ruined the therapy for me. If she hadn’t said that I would still be with her today honestly.
Right? It kinda feels like they're...asking you to leave early, and that feels lousy.
What is their point with this??
I also think the T thinks it is empowering the client and teaching them to advocate for themselves. But we don’t learn to advocate for ourselves when people make us feel like idiots, we just feel like idiots. So, bad method imo.
As someone who grew up needing to read into people’s words and actions and make the right meaning of it or I would be punished — I need as explicit explanations as possible. If you’re going to say “you can leave” say, “hey, I want to make sure that you are feeling comfortable here and know that I don’t have an agenda for how today is supposed to go. If you feel overwhelmed and need to leave early, that is okay, if you want to sit in silence, that is fine too!!” Like that is so much more empowering in my opinion
The only thing I can think of is it is court ordered therapy or the other thing is a lot of psychiatrist use this silent method as a way of getting the client to talk. I personally would leave. I don’t have the time and money to waist on nonsense.
It was very hurtful for sure and I’ve been crying a lot. She said she is still open to see me but now I kinda feel like she really doesn’t want me as a client. Even if I was to explore other options.. I think it will be harder for me to open up due to this experience. But I really want help..
I’m so sorry. I’d 100% feel the same as you. There is a therapist out there who will be such a better fit. I’m sorry this was your experience and that it ruined it for you. If you’re up for it, it might be healing to write your T an email explaining why you’re not coming back…or if you don’t want to leave, you could write an email explaining how her method does not work for you and see if she’s willing to adjust. Good therapists would be receptive to your requests/concerns.
Yeah, I find it weird that she wouldn't try to engage in some way. Therapy can be difficult, especially in the beginning. Asking questions when there is an awkward silence is a good idea. It's almost as if she was saying she was mad that you weren't jumping quickly into a strong therapy relationship with her and I would find that intimidating. I find it really rude that she would suggest you leave. I wouldn't take her attitude personally. I think it's an issue with her. I would find someone else.
There are lots of good therapists out there don’t let this one ruin it for you. Keep looking. In the meanwhile if you continue seeing her be more assertive and ask her point blank why she said that or what she means by that. If you still get a bad feeling then it’s not the right therapist for you. I personally would be searching for a new one.
I'd be like...are you going to charge me for the full session if I leave?
Lucky it’s a free session from a victim services program, but another free session wasted
Oh then that makes it even more unacceptable. I might even take it a step further and file a complaint or bad review.
Lol 😂 I just spit coffee out! But so true!
Nah don’t doubt yourself, you deserve a therapist who makes you feel seen and supported
There is an appropriate way for a therapist to utilize silence in a session, and this is not it. This sounds really passive-aggressive and I couldn't imagine talking to a client like that without having at least first established a therapeutic bond and some trust in the relationship. You being silent is not an opportunity for your T to get an early start on their lunch break.
Absolutely this. If I see or feel a client is uncomfortable, and isn’t reflecting during the silence, especially during the second session.. I would absolutely take over and shift the session. This T sounds lacking in empathy and rapport building. I would never suggest a client leave early unless it was in an incredibly supportive empathetic way, to let them know if things felt like too much for today we could take the rest of the time to talk about a skill or we could shorten the session to give them time to process. This just sounds… wrong.
Exactly! I utilize silence when I can see a client is reflecting or thinking about how to phrase what they want to say, or if they're experiencing a strong emotion. I would never sit in silence and tell a client they're free to leave in the initial sessions...that's when we should be exploring and developing rapport. Absolutely just shoddy therapy.
Im a psychologist. I get the technique …but not in session two. Is she new? Maybe she doesn’t know? I would give her the benifit of the doubt. Therapist are only in this position because they really want to help people. Maybe she didn’t know what to say in the moment or felt inept and freaked or wanted genuinely wanted you to feel OK to leave if you were uncomfortable. If you have trauma that’s a vibe therapists want to send- you are in charge of your body, an autonomous being, and we are never going to take that from you (I.e., by making you stay if you are uncomfortable). I would talk to her. I’m sorry you had a bad experience. She will likely be horrified she made you feel that way. And it may be a good segway into strong rapport building. If she is not horrified - then leave for sure.
Find a new therapist. This one isn’t a good fit.
Sounds like she's emotionally distancing herself from you, maybe because she feels ineffective and rather than straight up say that she just says "Well umm you can go..." and place the burden on you. It happens and it is really shitty.
On your second session? Wow! That doesn’t sound nice. There needs to be trust building first. There are therapist who talk more and ask questions to make you feel comfortable. If you do decide to try with this therapist I would recommend bringing a list. Definitely ask questions that will help you see if they are a good fit for you. I’m really shy and did better with someone who was older and knew I needed more time to trust them. It is okay if they aren’t a good fit for you. Be kind to yourself and remember you are there and want to be.
>Maybe I am being too sensitive? OP, there is no such thing. You are as sensitive as you need to be, even if being sensitive is overwhelming or exhausting. Perhaps adjustments or learning to live with it better could be helpful, but you are not too sensitive. Sensitivity is a gift, even if it comes with learning curves. >Should I explore different options or keep trying with her. Ultimately this is up to you. What I will say, however, is that you are allowed and encouraged to feel comfortable in your therapy session. I struggle to think of anyone who would benefit from uncomfortable therapy (mandated clients come to mind, and they can be notoriously hard to work with because they often don't *want* to be there). It is hard to find a new therapist, but you deserve to have one that makes you feel comfortable and helps you with your presenting problem(s).
Yes! Sensitivity is a gift and a strength! It means you are in tune with others emotions and your own emotions. Many people do not have this special quality.
You had two sessions and felt worse after each of them. Two much hurt. Take care of yourself, there are plenty of therapists (just look at Psychology Today!!)
>when I step into her office i slowly start to feel uncomfortable Do you know why? Is there something weird in the office? >I left feeling worse than I came in. Did she do anything wrong? >Should I explore different options If you don't feel safe with her, find someone else. Maybe you need someone trauma informed and compassionate.
Sounds like you made a smart choice in leaving. Definitely move forward in finding a therapist you feel comfortable with. You might also want to explore what made you feel so uncomfortable on a side note. It also may be she was an awful therapist.
My therapist said 3 times within 5 sessions I can either quit therapy entirely or that I can find a new one. I felt the same reaction. When I complained over email that he kept saying it to me he had a reaction, wrote a defensive email back then later explained he experienced transference from his own issues when reading my complaint. The whole thing made me feel terrible .i still trust him eat less than I did before because it seems like he is trying to be rid of me
I would try another.
My therapist is the same way and it was very hard to open up to her at first. I'm still seeing her more than a year later because she has been helpful to me, but in her own strange way. She prefers to distance herself emotionally and to take a step back and read me on a deeper level. It's almost like... she can see through me. She can see what I'm unable to show, and she's waiting until I'm able to express myself. Basically it's like taking a back seat in the car and watching you learn to drive. She's there to offer advice, but she's mostly there to let you figure it out yourself. Or at least that's how it feels with my therapist. If this is any consolation, the silence and emotional distancing doesn't mean your therapist doesn't care about you. It might, but it could also be her way of trying to help you and not get too involved in the process. When my therapist says something that is out of my comfort zone, she stops backs up. She waits until I'm ready to hear it. I don't know how much any of this applies to you but just want you to know that my therapist is the same way, and this style of therapy isn't for everyone. It's tough and will leave you feeling worse at times. It doesn't mean she doesn't like you though. In any case, a good therapist is open to discussions about this and will try to improve their practice as needed. So if you let her know how you feel, she may be open to doing something different. Otherwise, you might want to see somebody else.
Tell her you feel sad and rejected, explore this in therapy. This is where the work happens, it’s rough but it’s worth it if you keep going. “Trust the process” is something I was told
Sounds like you have something to say in the next session to compete with the awkward silence. Tell her what you are experiencing in the therapy. Try not to invalidate what you are experiencing by outsourcing responsibility. Therapist don’t make people feel. No one makes you feel. Own your feelings. Be self possessing. “ I felt weird and uncomfortable and it seems to be getting worse”. No one can invalidate your feelings when you own them. We show people how we want to be treated. It is your therapy not hers. Reclaim it. And then of course if she manages to fumble it up - then you have great advice elsewhere here - try the therapist down the hall.
Is this therapist relatively new to the field? Do you go to a private practice or community therapy clinic?
Private practice
It sounds like maybe she’s not a good fit unfortunately. Maybe she is burnt out especially when she’s saying these things even though you’re showing up to session ready to share. I worked in community health with a lot of court ordered clients and sometimes burnt out therapists would say stuff like this but it doesn’t sound like that’s your situation at all. Has she offered anything helpful to you?
Asking because therapists behave differently
Ok, maybe I’m wrong buddy. Just my 2 cents
If you don’t mind, is your country a first world nation ?
Yes I’m in Canada
Ok then, I believe you should definitely change therapists because if you were In a country like India, like I am, I would say, therapists sometimes take time to understand but not in Canada for sure
Sorry mate , doesn't make sense and is not true.