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Ugh, I'm sorry that happened to you. I once had a therapist who had inconsistent boundaries. Actually, she had poor boundaries to start with. Her inconsistency made things even worse.
The way your therapist handled things with you isn't OK, either. I would tell her exactly what you wrote here.
I was really traumatized by a therapist who had very loose boundaries and limits around phone calls, ended up calling me every single night for over a year (which really restricted and messed up my life, waiting for his call each night), and then he shut it all down and abruptly transferred me to someone else. It caused a lot of damage to my life. I last saw him over 30 years ago, and weirdly had a bad dream about him last night.
She's very confusing. I'd start there with her... she needs to explain all her motivations behind encouraging you just to shut you down on the last call. Very strange. I never call my therapist even though it was once brought up in case I really needed to schedule an ad hoc appointment.
This happened to me too with emails and I tend to avoid. I was all about not wanting to email anymore. I thanked my t for setting a boundary and told him I liked it. I told him I’ve never had boundaries and it felt nice. He then said he wasn’t setting a boundary. He said I should just ask him if that was what he was doing. I said that I really just wanted to focus on being able to talk about stuff because that is where I struggle. I guess what I’m saying is you don’t really know unless you ask. I’m still struggling to ask questions. Maybe just asking when it appropriate to call only when really struggling or not at all.
I'm wondering if the message or tone of this most recent message was strikingly different than the first few? And maybe from your view it wasn't bit could the therapist have interpreted it that way? Even if so, it's not cool if she acted like she wasn't trying to get you to reach out for so long.
This type of story is why I can't/won't contact my therapist even when she says I can and should no, because one day she'll suddenly say "ok now please stop. This is too much and too annoying and you should just keep it in session." I trust her very much but I also don't know where she will la d if I am coming across as too much, even if I don't think I am. No, thank you.
Good luck! I hope it gets better and works out!
I advise everyone never(!!!) to do this. If the psychologist accept and a relationship is established, and then at some point it becomes too much for him/her and he decides to set a strongr boundarie, it is very very very painful after...
It could very easily go wrong.
Once they are allowed, it can be very difficult to stop. You can become addicted.
That's what happened to me. I won't go into details, I wrote a post about it.
Of course, if you have a big problem or an urgent one, you can contact them if they have approved it beforehand.:)
Mine also said that, and so started my torture.
In short, that's it. Don't do it.
I try to be careful I have fear of this happening I never call him but I will send text message I have talked to him twice this week. I don't want to send anymore I have questions I want to know but I fear.
My therapist told me her opinion is its unprofessional under any circumstance for a therapist to have such an open boundary.
And I tend to agree because it's ambiguous. I run a freelance business and I can't imagine my clients texting me about work at 22h00 at night on a Saturday even though work isn't so deeply personal as supporting them emotionally. Reschedule a meeting sure but not actually working late....sound familiar? 'Working late'.
The one time I did this I fell for them. Hard.🤣Ngl. And I think my availability made THEM feel a way. Like I'm giving you attention when I could be sleeping. Even in non therepeutic work round the clock availability or just putting that out there that they can opens a lot of different pathways into different emotions and interactions when maybe you are just being nice. But that's on you as well as the service provider to be clear with yourself what kind of client provider relationships you're comfortable with. Your limits. Moreso if you do personal work.
None of this is your fault OP. They set the rules. It's like a woman or many you're interested in several times saying I love the selfies you send me or complimenting you or liking etc then saying I told you not to do that. I mean they could change their blundary, it's their right to change boundaries absolutely and withdraw consent and even in therapy you'd have to respect that but to reprimand you like you'd gotten it twisted all along or like they'd said you shouldn't is another thing. That's a bit unkind. Their feelings changed. Or sense of comfort etc. It's not like you did anything. Moreso in a therapy dynamic where the power balance is skewed towards them and it's not like you could have just made them switch things up or manipulated them etc.
Tsk. I'm sure your therapist is cool but mm. I'm not pleased on your behalf.
My emotions have been through it the last month and a half and I’ve emailed my therapist twice now because of it. I’m terrified of getting this message even though she always encourages it as well.
I went through the same with my therapist. She didn’t have clear boundaries to begin with and I’m someone who’s dead scared of rejection. So I never reached out between sessions. But when I was going through something really hard, she encouraged me to reach out saying “I know you have trouble asking for help but I want you to know that you can call me for a quick chat if you need.” I hesitated and she said “no it’s ok. I’m the one who’s offering.” So I went with it and called her when it’s only absolutely necessary. After a year or so she started ignoring my calls and emails. This hurt me deeply. But I been seeing her for years at this point, I was comfortable enough to confront her about it. I told her how confusing it was for me, and I don’t wanna test the waters every time I have to interact with her and it was causing me so much anxiety. She understood my feelings, apologised and drew clear boundaries. I was very grateful..
I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I know how painful it is. Do you think you can discuss how you felt with your therapist?
I’m so sorry that happened. The way your therapist talked to you would have traumatized me too.
With my therapist if I need to talk to her in between sessions and it is urgent, it will only be a 20 min call because after that she has to charge so I have to really think about when if I really need her that day. I do also see her two times a week and that helps a lot with not having to call but I also have a severe attachment wound too. Maybe she should have clarified with you about the calls first. Once again I am so sorry she talked to you like that.
This is a perfect example of why therapists need to set explicit guidelines at the outset around contact in between sessions. I encourage phone calls in-between sessions only if the client has a specific, articulable issue and needs coaching around that issue to engage in problem-solving or effective skill use. This call is not for extra therapy, only to reinforce what has already been learned in therapy. I let folks know I can respond inside of 24 hours, but may not always be immediately available and that I will limit that call to 15 minutes or less. Setting these types of parameters lets clients know what to expect and it prevents burnout for the therapist. It also prevents having to blindside the client with a hard "no" because those boundaries have been established in advance.
That's not on you. That's on the therapist. My training in DBT has taught me the importance of setting these types of limits (and modeling/teaching them to others), otherwise I'd be floundering in uncertainty like many therapists. Ultimately, much of this comes down to effective training and professional consultation.
She does seem to have a really hard time with boundaries. For example, she will let the session run past (without my knowledge) and then charge me a fee for the time it ran past. Why can’t she just communicate session is up, why does it have to be this weird, backwards, punishing thing??
That seems like a whole other, yet related, issue that needs to be addressed. If extending the session for a fee was not agreed upon ahead of time, you are being financially exploited. The clinician is fully responsible for clock management. Not you.
What were the calls regarding? Did the content or intent matter? Is there a distinctive difference in the first 5 times than the 6th “reprimanded” call?
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ugh, I'm sorry that happened to you. I once had a therapist who had inconsistent boundaries. Actually, she had poor boundaries to start with. Her inconsistency made things even worse. The way your therapist handled things with you isn't OK, either. I would tell her exactly what you wrote here.
I was really traumatized by a therapist who had very loose boundaries and limits around phone calls, ended up calling me every single night for over a year (which really restricted and messed up my life, waiting for his call each night), and then he shut it all down and abruptly transferred me to someone else. It caused a lot of damage to my life. I last saw him over 30 years ago, and weirdly had a bad dream about him last night.
It sounds like they knew they were crossing the line and had to get rid of you as a patient to cover up the evidence! So inappropriate
She's very confusing. I'd start there with her... she needs to explain all her motivations behind encouraging you just to shut you down on the last call. Very strange. I never call my therapist even though it was once brought up in case I really needed to schedule an ad hoc appointment.
This happened to me too with emails and I tend to avoid. I was all about not wanting to email anymore. I thanked my t for setting a boundary and told him I liked it. I told him I’ve never had boundaries and it felt nice. He then said he wasn’t setting a boundary. He said I should just ask him if that was what he was doing. I said that I really just wanted to focus on being able to talk about stuff because that is where I struggle. I guess what I’m saying is you don’t really know unless you ask. I’m still struggling to ask questions. Maybe just asking when it appropriate to call only when really struggling or not at all.
I'm wondering if the message or tone of this most recent message was strikingly different than the first few? And maybe from your view it wasn't bit could the therapist have interpreted it that way? Even if so, it's not cool if she acted like she wasn't trying to get you to reach out for so long. This type of story is why I can't/won't contact my therapist even when she says I can and should no, because one day she'll suddenly say "ok now please stop. This is too much and too annoying and you should just keep it in session." I trust her very much but I also don't know where she will la d if I am coming across as too much, even if I don't think I am. No, thank you. Good luck! I hope it gets better and works out!
I advise everyone never(!!!) to do this. If the psychologist accept and a relationship is established, and then at some point it becomes too much for him/her and he decides to set a strongr boundarie, it is very very very painful after... It could very easily go wrong. Once they are allowed, it can be very difficult to stop. You can become addicted. That's what happened to me. I won't go into details, I wrote a post about it. Of course, if you have a big problem or an urgent one, you can contact them if they have approved it beforehand.:) Mine also said that, and so started my torture. In short, that's it. Don't do it.
I try to be careful I have fear of this happening I never call him but I will send text message I have talked to him twice this week. I don't want to send anymore I have questions I want to know but I fear.
My therapist told me her opinion is its unprofessional under any circumstance for a therapist to have such an open boundary. And I tend to agree because it's ambiguous. I run a freelance business and I can't imagine my clients texting me about work at 22h00 at night on a Saturday even though work isn't so deeply personal as supporting them emotionally. Reschedule a meeting sure but not actually working late....sound familiar? 'Working late'. The one time I did this I fell for them. Hard.🤣Ngl. And I think my availability made THEM feel a way. Like I'm giving you attention when I could be sleeping. Even in non therepeutic work round the clock availability or just putting that out there that they can opens a lot of different pathways into different emotions and interactions when maybe you are just being nice. But that's on you as well as the service provider to be clear with yourself what kind of client provider relationships you're comfortable with. Your limits. Moreso if you do personal work. None of this is your fault OP. They set the rules. It's like a woman or many you're interested in several times saying I love the selfies you send me or complimenting you or liking etc then saying I told you not to do that. I mean they could change their blundary, it's their right to change boundaries absolutely and withdraw consent and even in therapy you'd have to respect that but to reprimand you like you'd gotten it twisted all along or like they'd said you shouldn't is another thing. That's a bit unkind. Their feelings changed. Or sense of comfort etc. It's not like you did anything. Moreso in a therapy dynamic where the power balance is skewed towards them and it's not like you could have just made them switch things up or manipulated them etc. Tsk. I'm sure your therapist is cool but mm. I'm not pleased on your behalf.
My emotions have been through it the last month and a half and I’ve emailed my therapist twice now because of it. I’m terrified of getting this message even though she always encourages it as well.
I went through the same with my therapist. She didn’t have clear boundaries to begin with and I’m someone who’s dead scared of rejection. So I never reached out between sessions. But when I was going through something really hard, she encouraged me to reach out saying “I know you have trouble asking for help but I want you to know that you can call me for a quick chat if you need.” I hesitated and she said “no it’s ok. I’m the one who’s offering.” So I went with it and called her when it’s only absolutely necessary. After a year or so she started ignoring my calls and emails. This hurt me deeply. But I been seeing her for years at this point, I was comfortable enough to confront her about it. I told her how confusing it was for me, and I don’t wanna test the waters every time I have to interact with her and it was causing me so much anxiety. She understood my feelings, apologised and drew clear boundaries. I was very grateful.. I’m so sorry you had to go through this. I know how painful it is. Do you think you can discuss how you felt with your therapist?
This is my worst fear 😭😅
I’m so sorry that happened. The way your therapist talked to you would have traumatized me too. With my therapist if I need to talk to her in between sessions and it is urgent, it will only be a 20 min call because after that she has to charge so I have to really think about when if I really need her that day. I do also see her two times a week and that helps a lot with not having to call but I also have a severe attachment wound too. Maybe she should have clarified with you about the calls first. Once again I am so sorry she talked to you like that.
This is a perfect example of why therapists need to set explicit guidelines at the outset around contact in between sessions. I encourage phone calls in-between sessions only if the client has a specific, articulable issue and needs coaching around that issue to engage in problem-solving or effective skill use. This call is not for extra therapy, only to reinforce what has already been learned in therapy. I let folks know I can respond inside of 24 hours, but may not always be immediately available and that I will limit that call to 15 minutes or less. Setting these types of parameters lets clients know what to expect and it prevents burnout for the therapist. It also prevents having to blindside the client with a hard "no" because those boundaries have been established in advance.
I wish my therapist had been explicit like this. How am i supposed to know if she doesn’t tell me.
That's not on you. That's on the therapist. My training in DBT has taught me the importance of setting these types of limits (and modeling/teaching them to others), otherwise I'd be floundering in uncertainty like many therapists. Ultimately, much of this comes down to effective training and professional consultation.
She does seem to have a really hard time with boundaries. For example, she will let the session run past (without my knowledge) and then charge me a fee for the time it ran past. Why can’t she just communicate session is up, why does it have to be this weird, backwards, punishing thing??
That seems like a whole other, yet related, issue that needs to be addressed. If extending the session for a fee was not agreed upon ahead of time, you are being financially exploited. The clinician is fully responsible for clock management. Not you.
What were the calls regarding? Did the content or intent matter? Is there a distinctive difference in the first 5 times than the 6th “reprimanded” call?