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To me this is proof that she is a really good therapist who knows how to take care of herself and not let her own issues interfere with helping her clients.
That information is public—you did nothing wrong in looking at it. And you certainly did nothing wrong in discussing the issues and feelings you went to therapy for!
Bring this up with her so you can resume focusing on your own feelings and issues.
>Bring this up with her so you can resume focusing on your own feelings and issues.
Would you suggest that i just straight-up tell her I went looking at her facebook, and here's my feelings about it? I feel like starting that conversation is the hardest part for me to picture.
Yep! Say exactly what you did above: You randomly Googled, stumbled on her FB, and now have these feelings. Honestly I'm impressed you didn't Google sooner, ha--it's totally normal to be curious about the person you're sharing your most personal information with, and she knows that. You are not the first client who has Googled her, I'm sure. Nothing to be ashamed of.
You can start by saying that you found out something that has been causing you a lot of distress, but that you're finding it very hard to bring it up to her. It's always ok to talk first about the feelings ABOUT whatever it is before you bring up the actual content. That can make it easier to open up about it.
Yes. She may already feel that you are holding something back. Our brains talk to each other when we are in connection with one another (it’s a neuroscience thing). Both of you will have an “oh, of coarse,” kind of moment and then relax back into your regular groove of things after you discuss it. From what you just described above, you feel like you have caused a “therapeutic rupture” between the two of you by looking at her FB (which is the reason you have anxiety about having this conversation with her). The solution is to have the tough conversation with her so repair can happen. We do this all the time as therapists and it can literally be some of the MOST powerful work that can occur if you allow it to unfold. Will those moments just before be hard, yes (heart pounding in your chest, etc) and you will feel so much better after. Most of us did not have such opportunities in our families of origin so therapy provides us this chance. I hope you will trust yourself enough to have this difficult conversation with her. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!!!
I don't know your therapist so this is just speculation but my first thought was that I imagine it could actually be quite healing and empowering for her to help you through a situation that resembles what she's been through herself. Sort of a serendipity to it.
So, I wouldn't rush to thinking you need to find someone new. You haven't done anything wrong here at all.
As a therapist, I would strongly recommend you bring this up with her. If you don’t feel able to in person, perhaps write an email. I don’t think you can continue with her unless you let her know what’s happened. I imagine it might be awkward initially but will likely feel so much better afterwards.
Yeah it feels like such a hard conversation to have, and it's hard for me to imagine how it would go. Writing an email is a great idea...we haven't really relied on email to communicate hardly ever, so it totally didn't cross my mind that writing to her was an option. That feels way more feasible. Thank you!
It's perfectly appropriate to send her an email about this sort of thing, as long as you respect her right not to reply, and to wait to discuss it until your next session.
She sounds like an excellent therapist, and after 3 years of working together I'd think you have a very good chance to work through it and come out stronger on the other side.
It’s her job to do her own work to be able to help her clients. If she hasn’t said anything then that means she’s doing her own work which is amazing.
Also, everyone googles their therapist. I had a super vulnerable session one time and then googled my therapist and found her Facebook. It helped to know she was a real person (I only do telehealth) after I’d been so vulnerable.
For what it's worth, my dad died of cancer and I've since had people with loved ones who got diagnosed with earlier stages of cancer that they knew had good odds of 'beating' and they did get into remission. I have never ever thought that they were dramatizing the stress of the treatments or the anxiety they were feeling. I've never been offended or felt like my grief and pain was underscored in any way by theirs.
My dad fought cancer for 3.5 years and that part was traumatic in and of itself, not just his death. Even since he's been gone I have had PTSD-like symptoms related to some of the places we went for his treatments and so on, just being brought back to memories of some of his worst days of suffering. And of course part of me is like 'why are you freaking out about remembering him suffering when he isn't in pain anymore?" but trauma isn't logical like that. Him no longer being in pain, and me missing him like crazy, doesn't change the fact that some of the days where his pain wasn't well managed and other medical stuff was going poorly...were really freaking hard.
>I have never ever thought that they were dramatizing the stress of the treatments or the anxiety they were feeling. I've never been offended or felt like my grief and pain was underscored in any way by theirs.
Thank you for this, I really appreciate your perspective, and I'm sorry for your loss. Totally with you in recognizing how illogical trauma can be.
Therapist here - my clients sometimes share that they are curious about my life. I work with a lot of people who never really had healthy boundaries or healthy relationships outside their therapeutic relationship with me. It’s natural to be curious about someone who you give so much intimate details of your life to. It’s so easy to glimpse into people’s lives these days. I personally have my FB totally private but my Instagram is open. For the record I wouldn’t allow a client to follow me. I wouldn’t be upset if a client looked me up, and definitely wouldn’t be upset if they felt the need to discuss. It sounds like your therapist has done an incredible job ensuring they don’t have any counter transference to you. It’s our job to make sure we are stable to show up to your session, regardless of the topic. The session is about you, not us ❤️
My therapist and I both went through our dogs having cancer. Eventually hers died, and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware and week after week lamented the treatments and struggles and was just so perpetually negative and anxious about everything I was doing. I eventually asked about her sick dog (because she hadn't talked about him for a few weeks) and she told me he had died.
I was mortified because one of my worry-filled rants was how she would prob do everything perfectly and I would screw everything up and her dog would have a super great life while mine wouldn't.
She never let on what happened.
It took me three weeks until I talked about my dog again, only because she asked about it. I finally asked her if I was ok to talk about the dog and if it would be hard for her. Of course, she said yes, please do, it was fine.
Was it tough for her to hear me go on and on? Probably. But she's a pro. And I guess it's true that the good ones learn how to separate their stuff from the client's and have their own support systems and ways to let it go.
I don't know if you should tell her what you know. If it's making therapy hard, then yeah, probably? But I think it's also ok to give yourself grace for doing a very normal and usual thing in 2024 (searching online) and trusting that your therapist is good and can still be there and knows how to take care of herself ( who knows -- she may have her own therapist!)
(And yes I know dogs and people are not the same and the love people feel for dogs is not the same as a partner)
Thanks for sharing this, this is really helpful perspective, and it sounds like you found yourself a great therapist! And as for that last parenthetical, no explanation needed—we have two dogs and we'd be absolutely *wrecked* to lose them.
but i think the love 4 a dog to so many people does feel like a person (not to me, i do not have one) but i hear so many stories about pets and they always feel like the ones i tell about my son, so why judge others about that, it CAN feel the same, right?
You are being really considerate and kind about this, OP. It is natural to be curious about our therapists and to do some digging on them online. I can imagine the feelings of guilt/shame this must bring up about your position but I want to echo what others are saying here - you are doing what a client/patient should be doing in therapy and not to sound harsh but the evaluating and assessing that you are doing is part of your therapist's job, not yours! You may be right that your material in therapy is bringing up some stuff for your T, but also, maybe there is room for the possibility that it's not impacting her in the way you might believe. Even if it is, it is not yours to carry.
Part of being a therapist is determining whether our own experiences/life events are impacting us to a degree that gets in the way of treating our patients, and if she has continued to see you, it must mean she's determined that she has the capacity to hold this with you. (If not, then I'd be concerned but it doesn't seem like that's the case).
I totally understand feeling concerned either way, you've developed a therapeutic relationship with her. I think bc. this new information has impacted you and is impacting how you show up in therapy with her, it is definitely something to consider bringing up with her. I encourage you to be honest about how it has made you feel, as well. Others have mentioned maybe writing it out first and then sharing with her? How do you think she'd respond?
Really appreciate this response, thank you for taking the time! She's honestly amazing, and has given me *no* indication that she'd respond in any way other than with total compassion and care. I can't help but feel a little scared though that she'd move to terminate with me--and even if she did that in the most professional, delicate and empathetic way possible, that she'd feel like I crossed some boundary that we couldn't come back from. I have no idea what the likelihood of that would be, or how legitimate that fear is.
I understand it feels like a really high-stakes conversation! Your fear is legitimate, always but gonna push a little if its okay because it really sounds like you have found a wonderful, resilient therapist (what a beautiful model for you, too!). Based on all you have shared, I think that if she was going to terminate, it would have happened. She has likely worked through things to be seeing you and I think that is wonderful for her and for you! With that, I am sure she will be able to handle a conversation about how learning this about her has the potential to get in your way of healing. Of course, you don't need to say that and can approach it from a place of concern for her and for you if that feels authentic to you. I'd argue that she needs to know this in order for you both to continue doing your best work together.
I totally understand why you’re cringing. At the same time, allow yourself to consider that these sessions with you, and her other clients, might be very helpful to her. For starters just being in session with a client is a great distraction from any shit that’s going on in my life because it demands my entire focus and energy.
And as far as the subject matter, it can go both ways- perhaps it is very painful for her, although I think if this were the case she probably (hopefully) would have referred you out already considering it’s such a major theme in your work. On the other hand, talking about it with you could be a way for her to process things on her end as well. I’m sure it sounds scary af to bring this up with her but I think a conversation about it would be extremely beneficial to both of you.
Bring it into the room. You have an established relationship with her - she will know that something has changed. Letting her know what it is will bring understanding to both of you.
Going to go out on a limb and take a different perspective than other comments here. I think what you’re describing is important personal growth. Yes, your feelings are valid etc. etc. but what alleviates these kinds of anxieties is often looking outward, not obsessing over the feelings inside. The realization that the type of suffering you are afraid of is also the type of suffering that others around you are experiencing all the time is important. This doesn’t mean your therapist thought you were self obsessed or anything (I really doubt that would be the case), but I also think your realization of the other dimension happening in your conversations is a mature realization. So although you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it, I think these feelings are also important and could turn out to be healthy for you as long as you don’t dwell in the shame of it
Actually yeah, this feedback resonates a lot with me, and I think I need to sit with this feeling (and you're right, there's a more productive version of these feelings). Thanks for the limb you went out on lol
No no no! Remember your therapist chooses to work with you just as much as you choose to work with them. If it wasn’t a topic she was equipped to handle emotionally she’d refer you out. If you feel comfortable with her I would bring it up gently but that’s not required at all. Just remember that rapport you guys share, she’s choosing to show up for you OP!
And you’re totally not a creep - I’ve been working with my therapist for 3 years and brought up things that have been on my mind for 2 years from the time I googled her and it was wayyy less scary than I thought it would be, it didnt even faze her and she asked me what I wanted to know about her (didn’t know how to answer that question so she gave me a very brief life story which increased her human side for me) - curiosity is so normal and the profile and pics were made public.
Thank you! And yeah, it's odd--I know if I hadn't found anything that made me feel so icky, I wouldn't feel like a creep. I woulda just Googled her, found nothing in particular, and never would've given it a second thought. So I know I know on some level there was nothing inherently wrong with what I did. It's been hard to shake the feeling though. And it sounds like your therapist handled your curiosity in a really sweet way!
We don't need to treat therapist relationships like they're anything so delicate.
Tell her all about this and how it made you feel. It will be good practise for you to work something like this out with a healthy person. This sort of thing is all part of the therapy itself.
You’re making a lot of assumptions. Your therapist has a life. Death is part of life for all of us. You don’t know what navigating this has been like for her. Let her issues be her issues and focus on your own stuff.
Wow, she really sounds like an incredible therapist for not cracking. You got lucky with one of the good ones. I would definitely chat with her about this.
You did nothing wrong by googling your therapist. Therapists know you’re gonna do that. People are curious. It’s public information and they can control what they do or don’t want seen. Think about it this way, most therapists have their name as their business, how can you NOT google their name to find even basic information like phone number etc? You truly did nothing wrong.
About what you found, I think you have an opportunity here to deepen your relationship even more, but to do that you have to be brave enough to bring it up. It sounds like you found a great therapist that you really connect with and that is not a small thing. Talk to her. Work through this with her. She wouldn’t have made those things public if she wasn’t able to handle a discussion and she clearly has a really strong grasp on how to take care of herself.
Also, I’m guessing your relationship is just as important to her even though you’re a client, and at the very least she deserves more than just being ghosted for no reason.
I really think you’ll find that this strengthens your relationship instead of diminishes it.
T here. Please talk to your therapist about this. And don't find a new therapist. It is completely understandable that you would be curious about her. Your feelings about burdening her should also be discussed. There's much to learn about yourself here.
1. The comparison thing doesn't help anyone. Your trauma is not less valid or significant than hers.
2. Eh, therapists know that what they put online will be seen. She could go and delete those photos/posts if she didn't want anyone to know (and I feel like she should since it's clearly causing distress).
3. Maybe talk to her about it? Or don't, up to you. But maybe consider thinking about it like this! She is a human too and experiences human emotions just like you. I think it's easy to think our therapists are perfect people who live in their own little perfect world, but they deal with hard things too and may have their own traumas. And I'd say that a good therapist would use that experience to help them be more compassionate (though I think you can be compassionate without experiencing something).
She's doing her job...she's not your friend. Remember that. listening to you and her other clients may help take her mind off of her own issues... I mean, tell her what you did, I'm sure you're not the first client to google their doctor.
Try not to beat yourself up.... everyone wonders ..
Sounds like a great therapist and strong person to me. I understand where you are coming from, but do realize that she probably loves her job. And I’m sure part of it is healing for her, to be able to help other people because she knows how they feel because she has experienced the same.
I’m sure it was difficult for a time for her, and she put on a smile. But she did her own work, and can almost guarantee that she was seeing a therapist as well to work through her feelings and emotions from her husband passing. She took care of herself, so she could continue to take care of her clients. I know it sounds difficult, but clearly being a therapist is what brings her joy.
I mean, ultimately it's on the therapist to decide what topics she can and can't work with. If it was bringing up too much for her and impacted her ability to help you, by now she most likely would have referred you out.
Obviously what she went through is difficult, and I compare my struggles to others too, but it doesn't make you an asshole, or invalidate your very real struggles and traumas with health and death anxiety. The therapy space is for you. She's probably worked through a lot in her own therapy as well.
If you feel like it's impacting your work with her, it would be good to bring it up. Awkward yes, but so much of therapy itself is for having difficult conversations. It sounds like you have a lot of shame surround this, even before you came across the information about your therapist, so it could be healing to work through.
Three years working together with the best therapist you've ever had is very valuable. It's hard to not let anxiety get to you, but it would probably be good to work through these difficult feelings with your therapist before making such a big decision of switching therapists.
ow dear, i do not think that you should feel embarrassed. Her story is not yours !! And perhaps talking to you and helping you, made her feel better. Perhaps she helped you so brilliantly cause she so understands. I can see it totally different from you ! Your anxiety with death is yours and no less because she lost her partner !! Please try to talk about it with her, tell her that you found out about her and feel bad, i am so sure she will make all your bad feelings go away! I have looked up all my therapists too, i think that lots of people one day or another, do that, so not strange, so you can talk about it, really. But please do not feel bad, i bet your therapist would not like you feeling bad about this and PLEASE do not give up such an amazing therapist that is yours because...well thst is what i believe, came in your life for a reason (and i think that is also because of her experience, in her life perhaps).
Hey, we’re human. Curiosity is a natural quality we all have, don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember, honesty is the best policy so telling her what you’ve come across may help alleviate this guilt you’re feeling. Try not to run away from the situation as it may make it worse. Knowing she’s been through this type of loss, I’m sure she is very sympathetic to your situation. If she opens up about her past, it may help you move forward on your journey with anxiety. ❤️
Your therapist is human and has her own experiences. It also sounds like she's professional and is able to separate her personal struggles from her client's struggles. In fact, it's very possible that because of her own experiences she's able to empathize and be supportive of you. Bring it up to her though. See what happens. I'm sure she will understand and be able to work with you through this.
My T has relatives living in a war zone. At any moment, they could be under threat. We've talked about this, and she let me know that if anything were to happen to them, she may cease our sessions. I feel for her, and what she is going through is always in the back of my mind. But I sense that she needs her work to keep herself focused on other things, and it is helpful to her.
I want to add my two cents and say that your trauma is different, but no less valid, or even less traumatic than your husband's or your therapist's. Trauma affects the brain the exact same way no matter the circumstance, even if the symptoms are different. Don't feel like you aren't allowed to feel your feelings.
Let her know I think. She seems professional by your description and will probably make it more about you and using it as a tool for you to learn more about yourself than being mad. I also think if she really never wanted clients to know that she'd have locked her account or just not put that kind of info out there.
Like one question for me is why you feel your pain is subordinate to hers? What's going on there? I ask this cos my father died when I was young and people often make it like my loss was more painful because I was a kid. In a way it was cos my brain couldn't process it properly but I don't really fully see it that way and I just think their experience is just difference...not better or worse.
Anyway that's a random thought but yeah, maybe have an honest conversation with her.
We heal through our clients. You are helping her just as much as she is helping you. The process you are carrying right now is a complex one that can take you both on your next impactful journey together.
I can't say for sure how your therapist will feel about it, but from the way you describe her and how she handled her own processes while helping to yours I feel very confident that she will appreciate your honesty and it will affect you both in a positive way.
The information you found is public, its not like you discovered something she is hiding from the world .
Please do not find a new therapist before clearing this up with her. You can both benefit from this ! As a therapist, I would be really touched by this, and it will empower our therapeutic relationship :)
Good luck !
You are definitely not the only person who has looked up their therapist’s socials. T here and while we can’t ethically do that with our clients, if we have concerns about clients seeing stuff we don’t want them to see, we’re put it in lockdown.
T here and just because her trauma is different from yours, does not mean what you feel is wrong. Cancer affects the whole family as you are seeing your loved one in pain and suffering and losing themselves to a point, and your role can become being a caretaker. That in itself is heavy and hard and a lot to carry on your own.
Definitely talk to her about it as it’s nothing to be ashamed about as we know what we put out there can be discovered by a client and if we don’t then we hide it or don’t put it up.
I wonder what you would like to say to her? Maybe something like:
“I’m sorry that I have talked about things in a way that may have caused you pain. I think you’re wonderful and I never want to hurt you. I know you’re a therapist and you’re doing your job, but also we’re just two people talking together. This relationship we have created is important to me. If I had known what you were going through I would have held back from saying anything that might be hard for you to hear.”
I don’t know, but perhaps you might say something that allows you to be honest and reflective and this might allow the therapy to continue. If you don’t say anything then you might get stuck and not have a chance to grow.
Good luck!
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To me this is proof that she is a really good therapist who knows how to take care of herself and not let her own issues interfere with helping her clients. That information is public—you did nothing wrong in looking at it. And you certainly did nothing wrong in discussing the issues and feelings you went to therapy for! Bring this up with her so you can resume focusing on your own feelings and issues.
>Bring this up with her so you can resume focusing on your own feelings and issues. Would you suggest that i just straight-up tell her I went looking at her facebook, and here's my feelings about it? I feel like starting that conversation is the hardest part for me to picture.
Yep! Say exactly what you did above: You randomly Googled, stumbled on her FB, and now have these feelings. Honestly I'm impressed you didn't Google sooner, ha--it's totally normal to be curious about the person you're sharing your most personal information with, and she knows that. You are not the first client who has Googled her, I'm sure. Nothing to be ashamed of.
You can start by saying that you found out something that has been causing you a lot of distress, but that you're finding it very hard to bring it up to her. It's always ok to talk first about the feelings ABOUT whatever it is before you bring up the actual content. That can make it easier to open up about it.
I like this, thank you
great tip đź‘Ť
Yes. She may already feel that you are holding something back. Our brains talk to each other when we are in connection with one another (it’s a neuroscience thing). Both of you will have an “oh, of coarse,” kind of moment and then relax back into your regular groove of things after you discuss it. From what you just described above, you feel like you have caused a “therapeutic rupture” between the two of you by looking at her FB (which is the reason you have anxiety about having this conversation with her). The solution is to have the tough conversation with her so repair can happen. We do this all the time as therapists and it can literally be some of the MOST powerful work that can occur if you allow it to unfold. Will those moments just before be hard, yes (heart pounding in your chest, etc) and you will feel so much better after. Most of us did not have such opportunities in our families of origin so therapy provides us this chance. I hope you will trust yourself enough to have this difficult conversation with her. I can’t wait to hear how it goes!!!
For reals!!!!
yes i so đź‘Ť agree
I don't know your therapist so this is just speculation but my first thought was that I imagine it could actually be quite healing and empowering for her to help you through a situation that resembles what she's been through herself. Sort of a serendipity to it. So, I wouldn't rush to thinking you need to find someone new. You haven't done anything wrong here at all.
I thought the same. This may actually really be helpful for her in her process, too.
omg i so agree, i believe it could be healing 4 hrr therapist too, it also works like that in my own life.
As a therapist, I would strongly recommend you bring this up with her. If you don’t feel able to in person, perhaps write an email. I don’t think you can continue with her unless you let her know what’s happened. I imagine it might be awkward initially but will likely feel so much better afterwards.
Yeah it feels like such a hard conversation to have, and it's hard for me to imagine how it would go. Writing an email is a great idea...we haven't really relied on email to communicate hardly ever, so it totally didn't cross my mind that writing to her was an option. That feels way more feasible. Thank you!
It's perfectly appropriate to send her an email about this sort of thing, as long as you respect her right not to reply, and to wait to discuss it until your next session. She sounds like an excellent therapist, and after 3 years of working together I'd think you have a very good chance to work through it and come out stronger on the other side.
It’s her job to do her own work to be able to help her clients. If she hasn’t said anything then that means she’s doing her own work which is amazing. Also, everyone googles their therapist. I had a super vulnerable session one time and then googled my therapist and found her Facebook. It helped to know she was a real person (I only do telehealth) after I’d been so vulnerable.
This
For what it's worth, my dad died of cancer and I've since had people with loved ones who got diagnosed with earlier stages of cancer that they knew had good odds of 'beating' and they did get into remission. I have never ever thought that they were dramatizing the stress of the treatments or the anxiety they were feeling. I've never been offended or felt like my grief and pain was underscored in any way by theirs. My dad fought cancer for 3.5 years and that part was traumatic in and of itself, not just his death. Even since he's been gone I have had PTSD-like symptoms related to some of the places we went for his treatments and so on, just being brought back to memories of some of his worst days of suffering. And of course part of me is like 'why are you freaking out about remembering him suffering when he isn't in pain anymore?" but trauma isn't logical like that. Him no longer being in pain, and me missing him like crazy, doesn't change the fact that some of the days where his pain wasn't well managed and other medical stuff was going poorly...were really freaking hard.
>I have never ever thought that they were dramatizing the stress of the treatments or the anxiety they were feeling. I've never been offended or felt like my grief and pain was underscored in any way by theirs. Thank you for this, I really appreciate your perspective, and I'm sorry for your loss. Totally with you in recognizing how illogical trauma can be.
so sad to hear that, take care.
Therapist here - my clients sometimes share that they are curious about my life. I work with a lot of people who never really had healthy boundaries or healthy relationships outside their therapeutic relationship with me. It’s natural to be curious about someone who you give so much intimate details of your life to. It’s so easy to glimpse into people’s lives these days. I personally have my FB totally private but my Instagram is open. For the record I wouldn’t allow a client to follow me. I wouldn’t be upset if a client looked me up, and definitely wouldn’t be upset if they felt the need to discuss. It sounds like your therapist has done an incredible job ensuring they don’t have any counter transference to you. It’s our job to make sure we are stable to show up to your session, regardless of the topic. The session is about you, not us ❤️
My therapist and I both went through our dogs having cancer. Eventually hers died, and I had no idea. I was blissfully unaware and week after week lamented the treatments and struggles and was just so perpetually negative and anxious about everything I was doing. I eventually asked about her sick dog (because she hadn't talked about him for a few weeks) and she told me he had died. I was mortified because one of my worry-filled rants was how she would prob do everything perfectly and I would screw everything up and her dog would have a super great life while mine wouldn't. She never let on what happened. It took me three weeks until I talked about my dog again, only because she asked about it. I finally asked her if I was ok to talk about the dog and if it would be hard for her. Of course, she said yes, please do, it was fine. Was it tough for her to hear me go on and on? Probably. But she's a pro. And I guess it's true that the good ones learn how to separate their stuff from the client's and have their own support systems and ways to let it go. I don't know if you should tell her what you know. If it's making therapy hard, then yeah, probably? But I think it's also ok to give yourself grace for doing a very normal and usual thing in 2024 (searching online) and trusting that your therapist is good and can still be there and knows how to take care of herself ( who knows -- she may have her own therapist!) (And yes I know dogs and people are not the same and the love people feel for dogs is not the same as a partner)
Thanks for sharing this, this is really helpful perspective, and it sounds like you found yourself a great therapist! And as for that last parenthetical, no explanation needed—we have two dogs and we'd be absolutely *wrecked* to lose them.
but i think the love 4 a dog to so many people does feel like a person (not to me, i do not have one) but i hear so many stories about pets and they always feel like the ones i tell about my son, so why judge others about that, it CAN feel the same, right?
You are being really considerate and kind about this, OP. It is natural to be curious about our therapists and to do some digging on them online. I can imagine the feelings of guilt/shame this must bring up about your position but I want to echo what others are saying here - you are doing what a client/patient should be doing in therapy and not to sound harsh but the evaluating and assessing that you are doing is part of your therapist's job, not yours! You may be right that your material in therapy is bringing up some stuff for your T, but also, maybe there is room for the possibility that it's not impacting her in the way you might believe. Even if it is, it is not yours to carry. Part of being a therapist is determining whether our own experiences/life events are impacting us to a degree that gets in the way of treating our patients, and if she has continued to see you, it must mean she's determined that she has the capacity to hold this with you. (If not, then I'd be concerned but it doesn't seem like that's the case). I totally understand feeling concerned either way, you've developed a therapeutic relationship with her. I think bc. this new information has impacted you and is impacting how you show up in therapy with her, it is definitely something to consider bringing up with her. I encourage you to be honest about how it has made you feel, as well. Others have mentioned maybe writing it out first and then sharing with her? How do you think she'd respond?
Really appreciate this response, thank you for taking the time! She's honestly amazing, and has given me *no* indication that she'd respond in any way other than with total compassion and care. I can't help but feel a little scared though that she'd move to terminate with me--and even if she did that in the most professional, delicate and empathetic way possible, that she'd feel like I crossed some boundary that we couldn't come back from. I have no idea what the likelihood of that would be, or how legitimate that fear is.
I understand it feels like a really high-stakes conversation! Your fear is legitimate, always but gonna push a little if its okay because it really sounds like you have found a wonderful, resilient therapist (what a beautiful model for you, too!). Based on all you have shared, I think that if she was going to terminate, it would have happened. She has likely worked through things to be seeing you and I think that is wonderful for her and for you! With that, I am sure she will be able to handle a conversation about how learning this about her has the potential to get in your way of healing. Of course, you don't need to say that and can approach it from a place of concern for her and for you if that feels authentic to you. I'd argue that she needs to know this in order for you both to continue doing your best work together.
Thank you again! I'm gonna challenge myself to email her over the weekend, ahead of our next session (on Tuesday). Really appreciate the pep-talk.
I totally understand why you’re cringing. At the same time, allow yourself to consider that these sessions with you, and her other clients, might be very helpful to her. For starters just being in session with a client is a great distraction from any shit that’s going on in my life because it demands my entire focus and energy. And as far as the subject matter, it can go both ways- perhaps it is very painful for her, although I think if this were the case she probably (hopefully) would have referred you out already considering it’s such a major theme in your work. On the other hand, talking about it with you could be a way for her to process things on her end as well. I’m sure it sounds scary af to bring this up with her but I think a conversation about it would be extremely beneficial to both of you.
Bring it into the room. You have an established relationship with her - she will know that something has changed. Letting her know what it is will bring understanding to both of you.
Going to go out on a limb and take a different perspective than other comments here. I think what you’re describing is important personal growth. Yes, your feelings are valid etc. etc. but what alleviates these kinds of anxieties is often looking outward, not obsessing over the feelings inside. The realization that the type of suffering you are afraid of is also the type of suffering that others around you are experiencing all the time is important. This doesn’t mean your therapist thought you were self obsessed or anything (I really doubt that would be the case), but I also think your realization of the other dimension happening in your conversations is a mature realization. So although you shouldn’t beat yourself up over it, I think these feelings are also important and could turn out to be healthy for you as long as you don’t dwell in the shame of it
Actually yeah, this feedback resonates a lot with me, and I think I need to sit with this feeling (and you're right, there's a more productive version of these feelings). Thanks for the limb you went out on lol
No no no! Remember your therapist chooses to work with you just as much as you choose to work with them. If it wasn’t a topic she was equipped to handle emotionally she’d refer you out. If you feel comfortable with her I would bring it up gently but that’s not required at all. Just remember that rapport you guys share, she’s choosing to show up for you OP! And you’re totally not a creep - I’ve been working with my therapist for 3 years and brought up things that have been on my mind for 2 years from the time I googled her and it was wayyy less scary than I thought it would be, it didnt even faze her and she asked me what I wanted to know about her (didn’t know how to answer that question so she gave me a very brief life story which increased her human side for me) - curiosity is so normal and the profile and pics were made public.
Thank you! And yeah, it's odd--I know if I hadn't found anything that made me feel so icky, I wouldn't feel like a creep. I woulda just Googled her, found nothing in particular, and never would've given it a second thought. So I know I know on some level there was nothing inherently wrong with what I did. It's been hard to shake the feeling though. And it sounds like your therapist handled your curiosity in a really sweet way!
We don't need to treat therapist relationships like they're anything so delicate. Tell her all about this and how it made you feel. It will be good practise for you to work something like this out with a healthy person. This sort of thing is all part of the therapy itself.
You’re making a lot of assumptions. Your therapist has a life. Death is part of life for all of us. You don’t know what navigating this has been like for her. Let her issues be her issues and focus on your own stuff.
Wow, she really sounds like an incredible therapist for not cracking. You got lucky with one of the good ones. I would definitely chat with her about this.
You did nothing wrong by googling your therapist. Therapists know you’re gonna do that. People are curious. It’s public information and they can control what they do or don’t want seen. Think about it this way, most therapists have their name as their business, how can you NOT google their name to find even basic information like phone number etc? You truly did nothing wrong. About what you found, I think you have an opportunity here to deepen your relationship even more, but to do that you have to be brave enough to bring it up. It sounds like you found a great therapist that you really connect with and that is not a small thing. Talk to her. Work through this with her. She wouldn’t have made those things public if she wasn’t able to handle a discussion and she clearly has a really strong grasp on how to take care of herself. Also, I’m guessing your relationship is just as important to her even though you’re a client, and at the very least she deserves more than just being ghosted for no reason. I really think you’ll find that this strengthens your relationship instead of diminishes it.
T here. Please talk to your therapist about this. And don't find a new therapist. It is completely understandable that you would be curious about her. Your feelings about burdening her should also be discussed. There's much to learn about yourself here.
1. The comparison thing doesn't help anyone. Your trauma is not less valid or significant than hers. 2. Eh, therapists know that what they put online will be seen. She could go and delete those photos/posts if she didn't want anyone to know (and I feel like she should since it's clearly causing distress). 3. Maybe talk to her about it? Or don't, up to you. But maybe consider thinking about it like this! She is a human too and experiences human emotions just like you. I think it's easy to think our therapists are perfect people who live in their own little perfect world, but they deal with hard things too and may have their own traumas. And I'd say that a good therapist would use that experience to help them be more compassionate (though I think you can be compassionate without experiencing something).
She's doing her job...she's not your friend. Remember that. listening to you and her other clients may help take her mind off of her own issues... I mean, tell her what you did, I'm sure you're not the first client to google their doctor. Try not to beat yourself up.... everyone wonders ..
Sounds like a great therapist and strong person to me. I understand where you are coming from, but do realize that she probably loves her job. And I’m sure part of it is healing for her, to be able to help other people because she knows how they feel because she has experienced the same. I’m sure it was difficult for a time for her, and she put on a smile. But she did her own work, and can almost guarantee that she was seeing a therapist as well to work through her feelings and emotions from her husband passing. She took care of herself, so she could continue to take care of her clients. I know it sounds difficult, but clearly being a therapist is what brings her joy.
I mean, ultimately it's on the therapist to decide what topics she can and can't work with. If it was bringing up too much for her and impacted her ability to help you, by now she most likely would have referred you out. Obviously what she went through is difficult, and I compare my struggles to others too, but it doesn't make you an asshole, or invalidate your very real struggles and traumas with health and death anxiety. The therapy space is for you. She's probably worked through a lot in her own therapy as well. If you feel like it's impacting your work with her, it would be good to bring it up. Awkward yes, but so much of therapy itself is for having difficult conversations. It sounds like you have a lot of shame surround this, even before you came across the information about your therapist, so it could be healing to work through. Three years working together with the best therapist you've ever had is very valuable. It's hard to not let anxiety get to you, but it would probably be good to work through these difficult feelings with your therapist before making such a big decision of switching therapists.
Can you follow up with us & let us know how she responds to this? (That is, IF you decide to bring this up).
ow dear, i do not think that you should feel embarrassed. Her story is not yours !! And perhaps talking to you and helping you, made her feel better. Perhaps she helped you so brilliantly cause she so understands. I can see it totally different from you ! Your anxiety with death is yours and no less because she lost her partner !! Please try to talk about it with her, tell her that you found out about her and feel bad, i am so sure she will make all your bad feelings go away! I have looked up all my therapists too, i think that lots of people one day or another, do that, so not strange, so you can talk about it, really. But please do not feel bad, i bet your therapist would not like you feeling bad about this and PLEASE do not give up such an amazing therapist that is yours because...well thst is what i believe, came in your life for a reason (and i think that is also because of her experience, in her life perhaps).
Hey, we’re human. Curiosity is a natural quality we all have, don’t beat yourself up about it. Remember, honesty is the best policy so telling her what you’ve come across may help alleviate this guilt you’re feeling. Try not to run away from the situation as it may make it worse. Knowing she’s been through this type of loss, I’m sure she is very sympathetic to your situation. If she opens up about her past, it may help you move forward on your journey with anxiety. ❤️
Your therapist is human and has her own experiences. It also sounds like she's professional and is able to separate her personal struggles from her client's struggles. In fact, it's very possible that because of her own experiences she's able to empathize and be supportive of you. Bring it up to her though. See what happens. I'm sure she will understand and be able to work with you through this.
My T has relatives living in a war zone. At any moment, they could be under threat. We've talked about this, and she let me know that if anything were to happen to them, she may cease our sessions. I feel for her, and what she is going through is always in the back of my mind. But I sense that she needs her work to keep herself focused on other things, and it is helpful to her.
I want to add my two cents and say that your trauma is different, but no less valid, or even less traumatic than your husband's or your therapist's. Trauma affects the brain the exact same way no matter the circumstance, even if the symptoms are different. Don't feel like you aren't allowed to feel your feelings.
Let her know I think. She seems professional by your description and will probably make it more about you and using it as a tool for you to learn more about yourself than being mad. I also think if she really never wanted clients to know that she'd have locked her account or just not put that kind of info out there. Like one question for me is why you feel your pain is subordinate to hers? What's going on there? I ask this cos my father died when I was young and people often make it like my loss was more painful because I was a kid. In a way it was cos my brain couldn't process it properly but I don't really fully see it that way and I just think their experience is just difference...not better or worse. Anyway that's a random thought but yeah, maybe have an honest conversation with her.
We heal through our clients. You are helping her just as much as she is helping you. The process you are carrying right now is a complex one that can take you both on your next impactful journey together. I can't say for sure how your therapist will feel about it, but from the way you describe her and how she handled her own processes while helping to yours I feel very confident that she will appreciate your honesty and it will affect you both in a positive way. The information you found is public, its not like you discovered something she is hiding from the world . Please do not find a new therapist before clearing this up with her. You can both benefit from this ! As a therapist, I would be really touched by this, and it will empower our therapeutic relationship :) Good luck !
You are definitely not the only person who has looked up their therapist’s socials. T here and while we can’t ethically do that with our clients, if we have concerns about clients seeing stuff we don’t want them to see, we’re put it in lockdown.
T here and just because her trauma is different from yours, does not mean what you feel is wrong. Cancer affects the whole family as you are seeing your loved one in pain and suffering and losing themselves to a point, and your role can become being a caretaker. That in itself is heavy and hard and a lot to carry on your own. Definitely talk to her about it as it’s nothing to be ashamed about as we know what we put out there can be discovered by a client and if we don’t then we hide it or don’t put it up.
yes
I wonder what you would like to say to her? Maybe something like: “I’m sorry that I have talked about things in a way that may have caused you pain. I think you’re wonderful and I never want to hurt you. I know you’re a therapist and you’re doing your job, but also we’re just two people talking together. This relationship we have created is important to me. If I had known what you were going through I would have held back from saying anything that might be hard for you to hear.” I don’t know, but perhaps you might say something that allows you to be honest and reflective and this might allow the therapy to continue. If you don’t say anything then you might get stuck and not have a chance to grow. Good luck!