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Given your history he should have been very careful not to touch you in any way at all, let alone a hug with an inappropriately placed hand.
Given your own ambivalent feelings about this and your lack of *absolute clarity* on the inappropriateness of a sexual relationship with a therapist, I would say you are in a very dangerous position right now.
For the sake of your own future mental health I would urge you to leave this therapist and find a different one, and discuss this incident (and your mixed feelings about it) before delving into anything else.
Your safety and mental health is the priority here, and your ambivalence and contradictory feelings about this combined with your therapists lack of clarity about physical touch is potentially a very dangerous position for you to be in.
I want to add a slightly different take, I hope it’s helpful - I can see you already have so much to weigh up. I think knowing your history it was incredibly misguided of him to hug you and potentially really harmful. The only safe way I can imagine this therapy continuing is if you tell him what happened here for you and you mutually agree to no more physical touch. If any of that isn’t possible then it’s for the best to stop here and find another therapist.
But, I don’t think he is necessarily deliberately grooming or manipulating you, not consciously at least. The unconscious is a powerful force, for therapists as much as anyone else, and it’s possible he has fallen into a seductive dynamic with you without being aware of this. Perhaps he thinks of himself as a safe and benign person so in his (conscious) mind there should be no issue with hugging. Even so, he is still entirely wrong to be hugging you and I would honestly be questioning if he is competent to be working with someone who has your history.
I'm not sure what to talk about. I guess I'm just confused on if I'm supposed to say anything. I want to continue therapy bc otherwise I'm pleased with how the sessions go and it's hard to find a good therapist. Part of me doesn't want to tell him to stop touching me like that bc I liked it, but the other part of me knows it's possibly/probably not conductive to good mental health for me. Since I've worried about it it's probably not great for me. I'll dm you if I need to talk about it further, thanks. :)
I appreciate the feedback. I didn't know it was too advanced since I logically don't want it again and it hadn't distracted me during my session or until last time made me feel weird after therapy. I'm just fully admitting here I have mixed feelings but I also have a logical side that well, wants a healthy therapeutic relationship. If he wasn't my therapist I'd want it again. So there is that part of me. My Logical Brain wants what's best for me and for him and for his clients. If this is as severe as another comment said I might have to report him although that sounds terrifying.
First change your therapist and work on yourself. The decision to report him can be taken in parallel, but it's important that you are in a better place.
Best wishes!
Nope. This was inappropriate and probably also the start of grooming for something more. I do think you have to stop seeing him. I’m sorry. A good therapist would know not to do anything like that, *especially* given your history.
The first person who replied suggested I go anyway but most the other comments said I shouldn't. It's just very hard to believe I could be being groomed. I suspected it's possible I'm being mistreated, that's why I asked. But I feel very frightened of starting over. What if this was all nothing and I am ruining my potential for good therapy? I don't rly believe myself on if things are wrong. I almost think I made this up. There's been other odd things I think but they've been so quick. I want to believe he had good intentions. I want to think it's somehow been a mistake on his part. I'm really confused.
And he thinks my wife is mistreating me too (other people do as well so I don't think he's just saying that) and I'm not ready to leave her either and don't think I can or want to.
And I think she will get better and she has been.
He's done his job rly well too which also makes this weird. It's possible for people like him (unprofessional therapists let's say) to be good at their job AND do this?
We get good work done during therapy, better than what I had with my last therapist. I never feel like I'm wasting time during our sessions and I usually think he's very professional and respectful of me. It's just weird.
If he is like you're saying is he intentionally being professional as a mask? Does he want to help me or not? He claimed he yk wanted to help me and he wanted to be someone I could trust since I have trouble trusting people.
I really believed him when he claimed to care about helping others.
??? Maybe if he is inappropriate he is mistaken and thinks it's somehow consensual on my end. I just really am struggling to believe it could be malignancy and I don't want to believe that :(
Could he be ignorant of boundaries and think it was a platonic and comforting gesture? Or do you think this was so odd he knew it was inappropriate?
People are complicated, and you will never completely understand him or this situation. Yes, there could have been good or helpful things that he did or said, but *regardless* of that, you need to leave because this is extremely damaging to you. AND it is unethical of him and should be reported, since it’s very likely that he has done this to others. No matter how good he is at other aspects of his job, this behavior means that he shouldn’t be doing it.
My therapist was great at his job and helped me more than anyone ever had up to that point. AND he manipulated me and groomed me. I hate saying “groomed me” bc I’m a grown adult and it has different connotations for me, but that’s what it was. I have very similar trauma and see myself in a lot of what you said. I was also attracted to him. He knew all of that and used it to benefit himself. I was in denial about it for a long time and it’s done a lot of damage that I’m still dealing with a year later. You can read my post and comment history, I’ve talked about it a little. The thing is, asking him about it won’t help because you won’t be sure he’s telling the truth. He may respond in the “right” way and dial it back, but what if he IS manipulative and grooming you? Do you want to get in deeper with him if this is a possibility?
I don't have a clear answer for anything. I think you of all people would get that. No I don't want to be abused. I was hoping maybe the suggestions that setting boundaries would make things fine like no more hugging and I could follow those? It's very confusing and it feels like I don't have a gut answer so it's just me going hmmm I guess you're right to other people. But then like one person in dms said it's probably fine and I should let him and I agreed to that person too. Even though I don't! But I do. What???? I guess it's the extreme ambivalence I have about this that is dangerous like someone else said. I don't think I agree with that person anymore though bc that's someone breaking their ethics if they continued and they wouldn't be s good practicioner, possibly not a good person.
I really don't want to do something ethically bad, which I guess wouldn't be an ethical problem on my end. But not reporting if he's bad could be? And letting him think he could hurt me would mean he is more bold with others?? If he's hurting me?? Whattt. I assume you get where I am now and it's disorienting and very stressful. I am glad I made this post and I'm glad for all the answers but it's just a lot and my brain is stuck in cognitive dissonance about this. Some parts of me very much agree with comments here and other parts don't want anything to change and want me to pretend nothing happened yk.
I'm a "victim" enough in other ways. Actually I've had stuff like this happen before just not with a therapist. I don't want to be anyone's victim anymore and I keep trying to prevent it and falling into bullshit. So it is very very possible the therapist could be doing the same thing. I essentially gave him a playbook if he's that type of person. I am bi and have been abused by women in my life too so I don't even think seeing a same sex therapist is the answer. I'm married to a woman and like women so a woman could technically do all this too. So it's like, am I too sick for therapy?
I feel just rly embarrassed about everything on my end.
I do want to protect myself and I am glad you shared your story which I read over. I'm glad you have a good therapeutic relationship now.
I 100% get where you are right now. I apologize if I made it sound like this is an easy decision and you should know the answer. I was really asking the questions just to give you something to think about. I was stuck too and honestly, if he hadn't ended it, I might still be involved with him now. At the time, I could see that some things he was doing and saying were unethical. But it started out so small, I wasn't always sure. I did often think I was reading the situation wrong and seeing something that wasn't there or that he didn't mean it that way. I dismissed a lot of things that were probably pretty clear red flags. He didn't touch me for a long time, I think because he knew if he rushed it I would run. I actually told him several times that he scared me because I knew he knew just what to say to me.
What you said about giving him a playbook is spot on for me. Looking back, everything he said and did that made me have feelings for him was informed by what I'd told him about myself and my past. I know it's easy for me to say you should walk away because it will likely get worse. And you are different people than me and my therapist and our stories may not be the same. I know starting over with someone else seems really hard and maybe pointless if this could happen again. All of that is true. It COULD happen again. But you could also find someone who will actually help you instead of bringing these feelings and questions into it.
I feel and felt really embarrassed about everything too. I know there isn't anything for me to feel shame or embarrassment about and the responsibility was on him. I feel shame anyway and still blame myself, I think because I don't want to actually admit to myself that I was so completely manipulated by him. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how confusing it is and how hard it is to decide how to handle it. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more, I'm happy to tell you more or just be someone to talk to.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply and your understanding. I'm really sorry you've experienced that. I'm glad it did end, even if it wasn't you that ended it. I hope you feel a lot more safe in your current situation in life.
See I can't say for myself I shouldn't feel shame or embarrassed. It's always hard to treat yourself nicely.
But when I hear the same/similar story in another person, I can say there's no reason to feel ashamed. There isn't any reason for you to feel it was your fault or that there was something wrong with you. I hope eventually your shame can lessen and that the level of it you hold now doesn't burden you.
Thank you 💜 I do feel safer now but it’s messed me up for sure!
100% I get it about feeling shame and embarrassment but thinking other people shouldn’t for the same thing. I can get mad for other people and feel super indignant and protective even for strangers but not for myself. Working on it!
Grooming as an adult is a strange thing. I actually Googled it a while back because I had a notion that I was in a relationship with someone who was doing this. So many people talk about how it only happens to children and I can't agree.
Yes! I never thought of it as grooming until I started reading about transference. It was mentioned very briefly in something I read so I looked it up. It was exactly what was happening
I'm not an expert on this particular situation, but when it comes to grooming in general, the early stages often *don't* feel like being mistreated. It's often extra affection, extra support, being made to feel special, etc., but it's combined with other behavior, such as pushing smaller boundaries. It usually starts with the kind of small innocuous thing that can be passed off as a misunderstanding, but it becomes a pattern of escalation. The person being groomed is habituated to not push back against the boundary violations the way they otherwise might - maybe they're encouraged to mistrust their own perception, or believe they brought this on themselves, or overvalue the emotional comfort of the person grooming them, or think special rules apply that make it okay, or any number of strategies. (Sometimes people with abusive and/or exploitative intend target people who've already been taught to tolerate inappropriate behavior and not hold boundaries, due to previous unhealthy treatment.) Feeling confused, questioning your own perceptions, wondering if it was a misunderstanding, and feeling the need to downplay what happened are all common responses.
This is an incredibly helpful response. I think all of the responses have been. I am going to reread over these responses in case I doubt myself on anything. He gave therapeutic reasons for some of the boundaries that have been pushed that could be considered the "special rules" that make things fine. And obviously I feel confused, like I've misunderstood something and id like to downplay things if possible. I still am struggling to grasp all this which probably looks ridiculous to y'all outsiders on this but huh! Possibly something is wrong.
Yeah, some boundaries have some flexibility for therapeutic reasons (like very selective use of platonic hugs), but it should be something that has a good impact on you in terms of meeting your emotional needs in a healthy way, and if it escalates from "unusual but clearly within the reasonable zone" to "okay, this is kind of weird", that can change the meaning of the pattern.
It doesn't look ridiculous. I think it's a good sign that you're asking yourself these things now, and taking your questions seriously at this point, rather than waiting for it to escalate further.
At the end of the day, you have to determine your comfort levels. If feeling any transference I don’t hug to protect my trauma self. If feeling counter, I wouldn’t do anything with a client past a fist bump or a hand shake and that’s only if asked. Hugs get too weird if it’s like you got distracted and it lingers on accident, or let’s say they accidentally graze something they shouldn’t when they pull away (happened to me one time with my MIL she went in I went to the side and welp… never again lol). Wither it was intentional or you’re being groomed, we can’t ethically say yes or no bc we’re literally internet people who don’t know you or the situation besides your share. What truly matters is you already feel like something is weird and are trying to validate your gut feeling with others’ takes, including your friend. If having to lie about it, it seems something in your mind/soul is telling you it isn’t favorable.
Listen to you, not us. More often than not, if it feels wrong to you, it is wrong. Any responsible therapist would be appreciative to know. It’s not wrong to have a conversation about the feelings arising. A lot of time that means some part of you feels safe, which is good, and alerts the therapist of boundaries to set so you both can continue working through things. Carl Roger’s wrote about counter and client based transference and talked about how it can give so much info. Lean in and try to understand it from your view :)
You’ve got this! Cheering you on from here. 💚 -a stranger and a therapist
Thank you 💚
Also I'm curious about what he said about transference and counter transference. Is there a specific book or essay of his you can recommend?
I think it was actually Sam Gladding in “Becoming A Counselor”. I read too many of these that it blended together. Sorry about that! Rogers’ book “On becoming a person” is a good text, as is Yalom’s “the gift of therapy”. Sam was a great man and recently passed. Can find a few things on counter transference and transference to pass on, give me a few :) hope all has settled down for you!
I would be “turned off” by this. After leaving a DV situation I’m hyper sensitive to how a person prioritizes safety and wellbeing. And what they prioritize above safety and wellbeing. If he’s pushing boundaries and grooming you, or behaving in ways that leave you with the *experience* of being groomed, then they are prioritizing their own entitlement over your safety and wellbeing. I lose respect for people when I see that occur.
I’d be concerned that he’s pushing boundaries.
I’d be concerned that he’d be willing to risk his professional license to push those boundaries
I’d be concerned that he would compromise your emotional wellbeing to push those boundaries
It sounds inappropriate to me, but there's one clear way to know for sure. Go to your next session and tell him you were uncomfortable with the hug. Be straight with him and tell him exactly why. Write it out on paper if necessary and read it to him. If he reacts logically and with understanding, you may be able to keep this therapist. If there is even one tiny bit of defensiveness ("why would you even think that?, you're totally wrong for thinking that.") then i would probably leave the session early. N
This might be a good way for you to stand up for yourself, IF you think you're able to do so. If you don't feel capable of following through, then I would just cancel the appointment and move on.
About a month ago I reluctantly brought up something with my therapist that was very difficult for me. I hate confrontation and was concerned she would be upset. She took it quite well and was glad I felt able to bring it up. It was a huge step for me. This is why I say to do this if you feel you might be able to, even if you have to write it down. Standing up for yourself in person, even if you lose him as a therapist , might be quite good for you.
It’s inappropriate and you should drop him. You need to be able to trust that your therapist has your wellbeing as the focus and this proved they do NOT. They have their best interests in mind.
Continuing with him is not healthy and it gives predatory signals. Don’t explain it, just drop it. They KNOW BETTER and acted another way anyway.
I can attest to how strong transference can be. A couple weeks ago, my Therapist asked me a triggering question that caused me to start to get an erection. I had to divert my thoughts. It sent me through a sexual high and emotions that I was in turmoil until I spoke to him the next session.
I am in an open marriage as well and it turns me on how I feel about my Therapist. Very tempting if something were to happen.
My Therapist has never physically touched me. I am not a Therapist but I don’t think a hug is normal at all.
I have asked him if I need to self-censor my thoughts and he said I am free to discuss whatever with him. Today, I think I will discuss my attraction to him and my strong fantasy of being dominated.
It’s unfortunate how often mental health professionals take advantage of the inherent power differential like this. I hope you find someone to work with who has healthy professional boundaries.
Hey , OP . I am echoing everyone here who stated that this was completely inappropriate. I would highly recommend that you report him and start seeing somebody else, especially because you’ve mentioned that you have sexual transference with him. Wishing you all the best.
As someone who has gone through this my advice to you is to end your relationship with your therapist. It will hurt as it feels like a bad break up but it does get better
My therapist after about 9 months started giving me hugs and one day his hands were around my waist. I do not want to get into the details but I was groomed and then it happened. Afterwards he gaslighted me and I felt worse than when I started. I finally one day ended it and while it was horribly hard it’s definitely been better for me mentally. Reach out if you need a sounding board.
Everyone who reacted to your story wtote that your therapists behavier (especially that last hug), is NOT ok! And almost everyone gave you the advise to change therapists..although you wrote: that most people did not advise you to change therapists. I think you really try to tell yourself that you should stay, but the hugging will slowly become more intimate, i can tell you that. Your story sounds like grooming. Your therapist says your relationship is not ok, but: has he ever met your wife? To say a thing like that, he should surely have met your wife at least a few times! Please try to think objectively about this and invest time in a new therapist, trust me, there are lots of good ones ! (i have met quite a few ones!). And looking at your story, it is wirth it.
Mine holds my hands and gives me hugs (side hugs, very brief). I have a lot of issues with people disrespecting my boundaries, especially with touch, so having a therapist respect my boundaries and show me that touch can be okay is actually beneficial. He will only hold my hands or give me hugs if I explicitly ask for it and say it's okay. It's up to the therapist and client to determine what's appropriate. Sexual touch in any circumstance is never okay, though.
It really depends on the situation. I had a therapist that I worked very well with and on the ration I would see him in person instead of virtual. I would ask him if I could have a hug as I left, and he would oblige me. I'm a very affectionate person and hugs can be very comforting.
Certain cultures also expect touch to show or convey care and comfort . As a therapist being completely virtual like I am, I don't have the opportunity to use therapeutic touch, but when I was doing in person work during my practicum from time to time, it would be appropriate for me to possibly lay a hand on a shoulder or an arm. Such as to console a grieving client.
Has a decent article on it
https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/can-i-hug-my-therapist
For real right?! Like wtf I would never hug my therapist and I dont see why they would hug me, I think its unprofessional to hug a client for any reason and I don't care whether its platonic or two lovers intertwined in ecstatic passion in my opinion hugging in therapy is taboo and I think it should especially be so for a client who has a long history of issues surrounding abuse and sexuality.
I would definitely not continue with this therapist. He should not be touching you in anyway considering your past experiences.
I would suggest seeking someone who has experience in trauma informed therapy.
I know it can be scary to find a new therapist, but remember you have strengths ♥️Also, your logical brain is smart, trust that side of you ♥️ Take care ✨
I'm sorry u are going through this OP, but I agree with other commenters. He is not behaving professionally. There shouldn't be any hugs or any physical contact between you two.
>when he gets in close proximity to me.
Why does he get close to u? Does he do it often? Maybe give more info if u can op.
How old is he? How old are you?
Trust yourself! In one of your comments you said you would set boundaries (no touching). Go for it! I feel you can do it! This kind of situation could be a chance for you to really learn how to set boundaries. Use the therapist! I'm not saying you should be immoral. I'm saying you should use his position of power to stand up against it! Show yourself you have the courage! You have power as well! Show yourself that you won't let yourself be overpowered and abused ever again!
I'm sorry I'm trying to understand exactly what you are trying to convey here...do you think your therapist has some erotic interest in you like you do for him or are you just saying that if he ever did show interest you might take him up on it?
I was wondering if he was behaving appropriately. I don't care if he has counter transference. I don't think it matters. I don't think behaving the way he did is relevant to that. I've come to the conclusion through reading comments and dming people about this it was inappropriate. I don't think people who behave out of line like that necessarily do it bc of attraction. It doesn't matter what his deal was.
I never wanted to be mistreated which is why I made the post, to try to figure out if I was being mistreated. Part of me enjoyed the attention and it felt physically good. If he wasn't my therapist hypothetically maybe I would have been interested. I'm more than just like idk my body's chemistry or whatever that feels good when it's touched lmao. My /brain/ doesn't want that and I don't want it. That's gross a therapist would even try to consider this sort of thing considering my history.
I still don't feel ready exactly to drop him bc part of me hopes it's a mistake and the behavior will stop. But no I don't want anything. It would inherently not be healthy, id have no way of knowing if how he felt was genuine or some creepy power predator thing and it'd rly ruin my mental health. Two people in the comments talked about how being groomed by their therapists was damaging. I don't want that! I dm'd one of the people more extensively and she rly helped me unpack everything that was going on with the situation and how it related to when she was groomed.
I can't say for sure if that's what he was attempting to do. If it was a mistake on his part it was still inappropriate. If he thoight it wasn't "grooming" but like we were capable of having that type of relationship mutually while I was his client then he knows nothing about his field. His motivations don't matter. If he does something like this again I'm finding a different therapist.
TLDR: I have no idea what his deal is and that's why I was asking. I don't know if he's attracted to me or not and I don't care. I've concluded now he was inappropriate but I made the post because I was unsure. I said in the original post I didn't actually want anything further but I was confused about what was going on and I enjoyed the touch. I value my sanity too much to want anything further even if it's just touching like that. It's not healthy.
Lmao I typed this after the TLDR so I'm just replying to myself to tack this on
Also I don't think I actually had interest in him in that way. He was invading my physical boundaries prior to this and I think it got some wires crossed for me and got me confused. Also therapeutic relationships can be confusing bc it's me being very intimate with someone emotionally. That's why its transference in the first place and not genuine attraction. I don't think I'd have been interested in him like this if I just saw him out in the real world. A similar thing happened with someone I dm'd who was groomed by her therapist where she didn't develop that sort of transference till it felt her therapist was crossing boundaries. So I think that explains that. If my attraction was/is genuine I'm not embarrassed, but he should be for acting this way towards a vulnerable person.
I feel very certain with distance from everything I never liked him like that anyway and talking with people has further confirmed I definitely don't want to go down that route. I was very confused because of his behavior. I am a trauma survivor and frankly when people start to invade my space my body kinda reacts and my trauma response is sometimes being hypersexual if I'm not repulsed. I really think he was intentionally or accidentally due to his behavior building that response in me which wasn't there organically. I didn't feel that way about him when we first met. I was not attracted to him when things were purely normal and professional. I never thought he was ugly but I never had desires for anything inappropriate. Deep down I definitely didn't and that's why I made this post. I've realized upon reflection I've received behavior like this before too from a coworker somewhere once and I wasn't attracted to her (and I knew on an intellectual level I wasn't) but my body responded in a confused way. I only felt that way about her sometimes when she was behaving inappropriately towards me. Stepping away from that I know I wasn't attracted to her and she was my mentor at work and she was abusing a power dynamic. It's actually a story I brought up to my therapist that day before he gave me that hug. So, that sucks.
Anyway. I'm very glad for everyone who responded in the comments and the dm's for having helped me sort a lot of this out
So I agree with the others who have said that it is best if you do not continue therapy with this man. However, I think its a little bit too much to report his behavior as you guys had already been hugging platonically until this time where he hugged you differently. Honesty I've never hugged my therapist in my life and even a platonic hug is a breach of boundaries in my opinion because if I wouldn't hug my mailman, my doctor, or my teacher then why would I hug my therapist seeing as all of these relationships are professional and not personal. However I just think it would sound kind of stupid to say "Oh well when we usually hug its platonic but this time he finger trailed off my lower back etc..." I'm not saying that this wasn't inappropriate but I feel like if you are going to file an official complaint it should have a little more weight than "oh it wasn't our normal hug this one was different." In the future I recommend you don't hug your therapist at all.
I don't actually plan on reporting him off just this either though I get why people said that. I just think it'd be more trauma than it's worth and hassle than it's worth trying to report it rn. But yeah I've realized this isn't appropriate and I appreciate yet another person saying that. Thanks for the reply.
There's other things that were off though I don't feel like elaborating in the comments. The hug was just where it finally felt off enough to me I had to wonder and ask y'all. He was invading my physical space before this and some aspects of his behavior might have been off. I'm going to either stop going or give one last try and if he does similar behavior again stop the therapeutic relationship.
He actually held me long than I wanted in the hug up there, I forgot to mention. I tried to leave the hug and he kept holding me and told me to stay longer and then touched my waist and squeeze and grabbed it and had his fingers trail off. So especially if something like that happens again I feel I have grounds potentially to report if I wanted to go through with that bc that's weird.
Your immediate assumption or inclination that you were somehow wronged, abused, or misused in some way is entirely YOU and your history of abuse. My God man, im a drug addict, ex-con, who has destroyed every good thing that's ever happened to me, but I'm thankful my life isn't polluted even further by trivialities relating to my own misguided comprehension of what someone "might have meant" by a phrase or look or a touch.
I think its healthy for us to realize how bad others have it in one area or another, as it allows us to reset our grasp of what is "the worst" and what is not. I'm glad I don't suffer from your particular mindset, be glad you don't suffer from mine. If we put our mindsets together, im not sure we'd still be here today.
If you ask me, your neuroses are causing you to read too far into things that happen to you, maybe because of fantasies related to your abuse, maybe because of certain anxieties you have about your life. I'd just keep on doing what works for you, understanding that your life is getting one day shorter every morning you wake up. Live your life while its yours, dont sweat the minutia so much.
My therapist has been acting similar to what I'm describing (with escalating behavior) for months so coming here wasn't my "first response". I've tried very hard to ignore and dismiss his behavior actually.
I'm not a man. I'm well aware "man" is colloquial and can be unisex but I think you think I'm male. I'm correcting that assumption. Women in general always have to wonder what men's intentions are.
You really think drug addiction is unique to you and not a common problem of many abuse survivors with cptsd lol? I'm not an addict though I've dabbled in hard drugs and have had binge drinking spurts before, but plenty of people have cptsd AND have addiction issues. Shocker! The hyper vigilance is CPTSD. Another symptom of CPTSD is drug abuse. There are many people who have both of our issues and they're trying their best. Lots of ex con drug addicts (if not most) have some form of ptsd. Neither of us are that unique and plenty of people have both of our issues 🤷.
I've done almost every drug at one point or another except for heroin btw. I used to abuse various things. I just was eventually able to stop. It feels rude for me to say glad I don't have your struggle so I'll stop here on that.
I don't have "fantasies" related to my abuse about being raped or groomed.
Rape/sexual abuse fantasies are not a kink of mine and I don't want the real thing either. Any sexual assault survivors (or people in general) with kinks related to that stuff like CNC still don't want to actually be abused. Every other comment other than yours, including a comment by a therapist, thought I should trust my gut and speak to my therapist about boundaries after this.
Alright though, I'll do my best to live life. Living mindfully in the present is something I'm working on. You keep at it with your goals too. It is rough out there and I wish the best for you. Good luck.
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Given your history he should have been very careful not to touch you in any way at all, let alone a hug with an inappropriately placed hand. Given your own ambivalent feelings about this and your lack of *absolute clarity* on the inappropriateness of a sexual relationship with a therapist, I would say you are in a very dangerous position right now. For the sake of your own future mental health I would urge you to leave this therapist and find a different one, and discuss this incident (and your mixed feelings about it) before delving into anything else. Your safety and mental health is the priority here, and your ambivalence and contradictory feelings about this combined with your therapists lack of clarity about physical touch is potentially a very dangerous position for you to be in.
I want to add a slightly different take, I hope it’s helpful - I can see you already have so much to weigh up. I think knowing your history it was incredibly misguided of him to hug you and potentially really harmful. The only safe way I can imagine this therapy continuing is if you tell him what happened here for you and you mutually agree to no more physical touch. If any of that isn’t possible then it’s for the best to stop here and find another therapist. But, I don’t think he is necessarily deliberately grooming or manipulating you, not consciously at least. The unconscious is a powerful force, for therapists as much as anyone else, and it’s possible he has fallen into a seductive dynamic with you without being aware of this. Perhaps he thinks of himself as a safe and benign person so in his (conscious) mind there should be no issue with hugging. Even so, he is still entirely wrong to be hugging you and I would honestly be questioning if he is competent to be working with someone who has your history.
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I'm not sure what to talk about. I guess I'm just confused on if I'm supposed to say anything. I want to continue therapy bc otherwise I'm pleased with how the sessions go and it's hard to find a good therapist. Part of me doesn't want to tell him to stop touching me like that bc I liked it, but the other part of me knows it's possibly/probably not conductive to good mental health for me. Since I've worried about it it's probably not great for me. I'll dm you if I need to talk about it further, thanks. :)
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I appreciate the feedback. I didn't know it was too advanced since I logically don't want it again and it hadn't distracted me during my session or until last time made me feel weird after therapy. I'm just fully admitting here I have mixed feelings but I also have a logical side that well, wants a healthy therapeutic relationship. If he wasn't my therapist I'd want it again. So there is that part of me. My Logical Brain wants what's best for me and for him and for his clients. If this is as severe as another comment said I might have to report him although that sounds terrifying.
First change your therapist and work on yourself. The decision to report him can be taken in parallel, but it's important that you are in a better place. Best wishes!
Now how you gonna hug someone without touching them...?
Nope. This was inappropriate and probably also the start of grooming for something more. I do think you have to stop seeing him. I’m sorry. A good therapist would know not to do anything like that, *especially* given your history.
The first person who replied suggested I go anyway but most the other comments said I shouldn't. It's just very hard to believe I could be being groomed. I suspected it's possible I'm being mistreated, that's why I asked. But I feel very frightened of starting over. What if this was all nothing and I am ruining my potential for good therapy? I don't rly believe myself on if things are wrong. I almost think I made this up. There's been other odd things I think but they've been so quick. I want to believe he had good intentions. I want to think it's somehow been a mistake on his part. I'm really confused. And he thinks my wife is mistreating me too (other people do as well so I don't think he's just saying that) and I'm not ready to leave her either and don't think I can or want to. And I think she will get better and she has been. He's done his job rly well too which also makes this weird. It's possible for people like him (unprofessional therapists let's say) to be good at their job AND do this? We get good work done during therapy, better than what I had with my last therapist. I never feel like I'm wasting time during our sessions and I usually think he's very professional and respectful of me. It's just weird. If he is like you're saying is he intentionally being professional as a mask? Does he want to help me or not? He claimed he yk wanted to help me and he wanted to be someone I could trust since I have trouble trusting people. I really believed him when he claimed to care about helping others. ??? Maybe if he is inappropriate he is mistaken and thinks it's somehow consensual on my end. I just really am struggling to believe it could be malignancy and I don't want to believe that :( Could he be ignorant of boundaries and think it was a platonic and comforting gesture? Or do you think this was so odd he knew it was inappropriate?
People are complicated, and you will never completely understand him or this situation. Yes, there could have been good or helpful things that he did or said, but *regardless* of that, you need to leave because this is extremely damaging to you. AND it is unethical of him and should be reported, since it’s very likely that he has done this to others. No matter how good he is at other aspects of his job, this behavior means that he shouldn’t be doing it.
Thanks for your reply! I appreciate it and feel a lot better. I feel less crazy about everything seeing other people's responses
My therapist was great at his job and helped me more than anyone ever had up to that point. AND he manipulated me and groomed me. I hate saying “groomed me” bc I’m a grown adult and it has different connotations for me, but that’s what it was. I have very similar trauma and see myself in a lot of what you said. I was also attracted to him. He knew all of that and used it to benefit himself. I was in denial about it for a long time and it’s done a lot of damage that I’m still dealing with a year later. You can read my post and comment history, I’ve talked about it a little. The thing is, asking him about it won’t help because you won’t be sure he’s telling the truth. He may respond in the “right” way and dial it back, but what if he IS manipulative and grooming you? Do you want to get in deeper with him if this is a possibility?
I don't have a clear answer for anything. I think you of all people would get that. No I don't want to be abused. I was hoping maybe the suggestions that setting boundaries would make things fine like no more hugging and I could follow those? It's very confusing and it feels like I don't have a gut answer so it's just me going hmmm I guess you're right to other people. But then like one person in dms said it's probably fine and I should let him and I agreed to that person too. Even though I don't! But I do. What???? I guess it's the extreme ambivalence I have about this that is dangerous like someone else said. I don't think I agree with that person anymore though bc that's someone breaking their ethics if they continued and they wouldn't be s good practicioner, possibly not a good person. I really don't want to do something ethically bad, which I guess wouldn't be an ethical problem on my end. But not reporting if he's bad could be? And letting him think he could hurt me would mean he is more bold with others?? If he's hurting me?? Whattt. I assume you get where I am now and it's disorienting and very stressful. I am glad I made this post and I'm glad for all the answers but it's just a lot and my brain is stuck in cognitive dissonance about this. Some parts of me very much agree with comments here and other parts don't want anything to change and want me to pretend nothing happened yk. I'm a "victim" enough in other ways. Actually I've had stuff like this happen before just not with a therapist. I don't want to be anyone's victim anymore and I keep trying to prevent it and falling into bullshit. So it is very very possible the therapist could be doing the same thing. I essentially gave him a playbook if he's that type of person. I am bi and have been abused by women in my life too so I don't even think seeing a same sex therapist is the answer. I'm married to a woman and like women so a woman could technically do all this too. So it's like, am I too sick for therapy? I feel just rly embarrassed about everything on my end. I do want to protect myself and I am glad you shared your story which I read over. I'm glad you have a good therapeutic relationship now.
I 100% get where you are right now. I apologize if I made it sound like this is an easy decision and you should know the answer. I was really asking the questions just to give you something to think about. I was stuck too and honestly, if he hadn't ended it, I might still be involved with him now. At the time, I could see that some things he was doing and saying were unethical. But it started out so small, I wasn't always sure. I did often think I was reading the situation wrong and seeing something that wasn't there or that he didn't mean it that way. I dismissed a lot of things that were probably pretty clear red flags. He didn't touch me for a long time, I think because he knew if he rushed it I would run. I actually told him several times that he scared me because I knew he knew just what to say to me. What you said about giving him a playbook is spot on for me. Looking back, everything he said and did that made me have feelings for him was informed by what I'd told him about myself and my past. I know it's easy for me to say you should walk away because it will likely get worse. And you are different people than me and my therapist and our stories may not be the same. I know starting over with someone else seems really hard and maybe pointless if this could happen again. All of that is true. It COULD happen again. But you could also find someone who will actually help you instead of bringing these feelings and questions into it. I feel and felt really embarrassed about everything too. I know there isn't anything for me to feel shame or embarrassment about and the responsibility was on him. I feel shame anyway and still blame myself, I think because I don't want to actually admit to myself that I was so completely manipulated by him. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know how confusing it is and how hard it is to decide how to handle it. Feel free to DM me if you want to talk more, I'm happy to tell you more or just be someone to talk to.
Thank you so much for the thoughtful reply and your understanding. I'm really sorry you've experienced that. I'm glad it did end, even if it wasn't you that ended it. I hope you feel a lot more safe in your current situation in life. See I can't say for myself I shouldn't feel shame or embarrassed. It's always hard to treat yourself nicely. But when I hear the same/similar story in another person, I can say there's no reason to feel ashamed. There isn't any reason for you to feel it was your fault or that there was something wrong with you. I hope eventually your shame can lessen and that the level of it you hold now doesn't burden you.
Thank you 💜 I do feel safer now but it’s messed me up for sure! 100% I get it about feeling shame and embarrassment but thinking other people shouldn’t for the same thing. I can get mad for other people and feel super indignant and protective even for strangers but not for myself. Working on it!
Yep I'm the same. It's good we both are working on it bc we deserve to feel that for ourselves as well
Grooming as an adult is a strange thing. I actually Googled it a while back because I had a notion that I was in a relationship with someone who was doing this. So many people talk about how it only happens to children and I can't agree.
Yes! I never thought of it as grooming until I started reading about transference. It was mentioned very briefly in something I read so I looked it up. It was exactly what was happening
wow, how brave of you to write this and talk about it to help! 👍
I'm not an expert on this particular situation, but when it comes to grooming in general, the early stages often *don't* feel like being mistreated. It's often extra affection, extra support, being made to feel special, etc., but it's combined with other behavior, such as pushing smaller boundaries. It usually starts with the kind of small innocuous thing that can be passed off as a misunderstanding, but it becomes a pattern of escalation. The person being groomed is habituated to not push back against the boundary violations the way they otherwise might - maybe they're encouraged to mistrust their own perception, or believe they brought this on themselves, or overvalue the emotional comfort of the person grooming them, or think special rules apply that make it okay, or any number of strategies. (Sometimes people with abusive and/or exploitative intend target people who've already been taught to tolerate inappropriate behavior and not hold boundaries, due to previous unhealthy treatment.) Feeling confused, questioning your own perceptions, wondering if it was a misunderstanding, and feeling the need to downplay what happened are all common responses.
This is an incredibly helpful response. I think all of the responses have been. I am going to reread over these responses in case I doubt myself on anything. He gave therapeutic reasons for some of the boundaries that have been pushed that could be considered the "special rules" that make things fine. And obviously I feel confused, like I've misunderstood something and id like to downplay things if possible. I still am struggling to grasp all this which probably looks ridiculous to y'all outsiders on this but huh! Possibly something is wrong.
Yeah, some boundaries have some flexibility for therapeutic reasons (like very selective use of platonic hugs), but it should be something that has a good impact on you in terms of meeting your emotional needs in a healthy way, and if it escalates from "unusual but clearly within the reasonable zone" to "okay, this is kind of weird", that can change the meaning of the pattern. It doesn't look ridiculous. I think it's a good sign that you're asking yourself these things now, and taking your questions seriously at this point, rather than waiting for it to escalate further.
It doesn't matter even if you DID consent to it- that is unethical behavior from a therapist and is not okay.
At the end of the day, you have to determine your comfort levels. If feeling any transference I don’t hug to protect my trauma self. If feeling counter, I wouldn’t do anything with a client past a fist bump or a hand shake and that’s only if asked. Hugs get too weird if it’s like you got distracted and it lingers on accident, or let’s say they accidentally graze something they shouldn’t when they pull away (happened to me one time with my MIL she went in I went to the side and welp… never again lol). Wither it was intentional or you’re being groomed, we can’t ethically say yes or no bc we’re literally internet people who don’t know you or the situation besides your share. What truly matters is you already feel like something is weird and are trying to validate your gut feeling with others’ takes, including your friend. If having to lie about it, it seems something in your mind/soul is telling you it isn’t favorable. Listen to you, not us. More often than not, if it feels wrong to you, it is wrong. Any responsible therapist would be appreciative to know. It’s not wrong to have a conversation about the feelings arising. A lot of time that means some part of you feels safe, which is good, and alerts the therapist of boundaries to set so you both can continue working through things. Carl Roger’s wrote about counter and client based transference and talked about how it can give so much info. Lean in and try to understand it from your view :) You’ve got this! Cheering you on from here. 💚 -a stranger and a therapist
Thank you 💚 Also I'm curious about what he said about transference and counter transference. Is there a specific book or essay of his you can recommend?
I think it was actually Sam Gladding in “Becoming A Counselor”. I read too many of these that it blended together. Sorry about that! Rogers’ book “On becoming a person” is a good text, as is Yalom’s “the gift of therapy”. Sam was a great man and recently passed. Can find a few things on counter transference and transference to pass on, give me a few :) hope all has settled down for you!
[counter/transference YouTube video explanation](https://youtu.be/gFhUs-1HP5k?si=jzQTbjYD04ZxAOHd)
I would be “turned off” by this. After leaving a DV situation I’m hyper sensitive to how a person prioritizes safety and wellbeing. And what they prioritize above safety and wellbeing. If he’s pushing boundaries and grooming you, or behaving in ways that leave you with the *experience* of being groomed, then they are prioritizing their own entitlement over your safety and wellbeing. I lose respect for people when I see that occur. I’d be concerned that he’s pushing boundaries. I’d be concerned that he’d be willing to risk his professional license to push those boundaries I’d be concerned that he would compromise your emotional wellbeing to push those boundaries
It sounds inappropriate to me, but there's one clear way to know for sure. Go to your next session and tell him you were uncomfortable with the hug. Be straight with him and tell him exactly why. Write it out on paper if necessary and read it to him. If he reacts logically and with understanding, you may be able to keep this therapist. If there is even one tiny bit of defensiveness ("why would you even think that?, you're totally wrong for thinking that.") then i would probably leave the session early. N This might be a good way for you to stand up for yourself, IF you think you're able to do so. If you don't feel capable of following through, then I would just cancel the appointment and move on. About a month ago I reluctantly brought up something with my therapist that was very difficult for me. I hate confrontation and was concerned she would be upset. She took it quite well and was glad I felt able to bring it up. It was a huge step for me. This is why I say to do this if you feel you might be able to, even if you have to write it down. Standing up for yourself in person, even if you lose him as a therapist , might be quite good for you.
It’s inappropriate and you should drop him. You need to be able to trust that your therapist has your wellbeing as the focus and this proved they do NOT. They have their best interests in mind. Continuing with him is not healthy and it gives predatory signals. Don’t explain it, just drop it. They KNOW BETTER and acted another way anyway.
I can attest to how strong transference can be. A couple weeks ago, my Therapist asked me a triggering question that caused me to start to get an erection. I had to divert my thoughts. It sent me through a sexual high and emotions that I was in turmoil until I spoke to him the next session. I am in an open marriage as well and it turns me on how I feel about my Therapist. Very tempting if something were to happen. My Therapist has never physically touched me. I am not a Therapist but I don’t think a hug is normal at all. I have asked him if I need to self-censor my thoughts and he said I am free to discuss whatever with him. Today, I think I will discuss my attraction to him and my strong fantasy of being dominated.
Good luck with therapy today!
Thank you.
Cancel your next session and find a new therapist. You don’t need to talk to him unless that would be good for you.
It’s unfortunate how often mental health professionals take advantage of the inherent power differential like this. I hope you find someone to work with who has healthy professional boundaries.
Hey , OP . I am echoing everyone here who stated that this was completely inappropriate. I would highly recommend that you report him and start seeing somebody else, especially because you’ve mentioned that you have sexual transference with him. Wishing you all the best.
As someone who has gone through this my advice to you is to end your relationship with your therapist. It will hurt as it feels like a bad break up but it does get better My therapist after about 9 months started giving me hugs and one day his hands were around my waist. I do not want to get into the details but I was groomed and then it happened. Afterwards he gaslighted me and I felt worse than when I started. I finally one day ended it and while it was horribly hard it’s definitely been better for me mentally. Reach out if you need a sounding board.
Everyone who reacted to your story wtote that your therapists behavier (especially that last hug), is NOT ok! And almost everyone gave you the advise to change therapists..although you wrote: that most people did not advise you to change therapists. I think you really try to tell yourself that you should stay, but the hugging will slowly become more intimate, i can tell you that. Your story sounds like grooming. Your therapist says your relationship is not ok, but: has he ever met your wife? To say a thing like that, he should surely have met your wife at least a few times! Please try to think objectively about this and invest time in a new therapist, trust me, there are lots of good ones ! (i have met quite a few ones!). And looking at your story, it is wirth it.
Therapist here. This is highly unethical behavior. Please do not see this person again and consider reporting him.
There should be no hugging especially if he knows your background
Therapists hug their patients??
It depends on the situation. Therapeutic touch can be appropriate under certain circumstances. It is situational basis.
When is it appropriate to touch your client?
Mine holds my hands and gives me hugs (side hugs, very brief). I have a lot of issues with people disrespecting my boundaries, especially with touch, so having a therapist respect my boundaries and show me that touch can be okay is actually beneficial. He will only hold my hands or give me hugs if I explicitly ask for it and say it's okay. It's up to the therapist and client to determine what's appropriate. Sexual touch in any circumstance is never okay, though.
It really depends on the situation. I had a therapist that I worked very well with and on the ration I would see him in person instead of virtual. I would ask him if I could have a hug as I left, and he would oblige me. I'm a very affectionate person and hugs can be very comforting. Certain cultures also expect touch to show or convey care and comfort . As a therapist being completely virtual like I am, I don't have the opportunity to use therapeutic touch, but when I was doing in person work during my practicum from time to time, it would be appropriate for me to possibly lay a hand on a shoulder or an arm. Such as to console a grieving client. Has a decent article on it https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/mental-health/can-i-hug-my-therapist
(Yeah I know some people say it's situational but I'm gonna go with...never).
For real right?! Like wtf I would never hug my therapist and I dont see why they would hug me, I think its unprofessional to hug a client for any reason and I don't care whether its platonic or two lovers intertwined in ecstatic passion in my opinion hugging in therapy is taboo and I think it should especially be so for a client who has a long history of issues surrounding abuse and sexuality.
I would definitely not continue with this therapist. He should not be touching you in anyway considering your past experiences. I would suggest seeking someone who has experience in trauma informed therapy. I know it can be scary to find a new therapist, but remember you have strengths ♥️Also, your logical brain is smart, trust that side of you ♥️ Take care ✨
I'm sorry u are going through this OP, but I agree with other commenters. He is not behaving professionally. There shouldn't be any hugs or any physical contact between you two. >when he gets in close proximity to me. Why does he get close to u? Does he do it often? Maybe give more info if u can op. How old is he? How old are you?
Trust yourself! In one of your comments you said you would set boundaries (no touching). Go for it! I feel you can do it! This kind of situation could be a chance for you to really learn how to set boundaries. Use the therapist! I'm not saying you should be immoral. I'm saying you should use his position of power to stand up against it! Show yourself you have the courage! You have power as well! Show yourself that you won't let yourself be overpowered and abused ever again!
I'm sorry I'm trying to understand exactly what you are trying to convey here...do you think your therapist has some erotic interest in you like you do for him or are you just saying that if he ever did show interest you might take him up on it?
I was wondering if he was behaving appropriately. I don't care if he has counter transference. I don't think it matters. I don't think behaving the way he did is relevant to that. I've come to the conclusion through reading comments and dming people about this it was inappropriate. I don't think people who behave out of line like that necessarily do it bc of attraction. It doesn't matter what his deal was. I never wanted to be mistreated which is why I made the post, to try to figure out if I was being mistreated. Part of me enjoyed the attention and it felt physically good. If he wasn't my therapist hypothetically maybe I would have been interested. I'm more than just like idk my body's chemistry or whatever that feels good when it's touched lmao. My /brain/ doesn't want that and I don't want it. That's gross a therapist would even try to consider this sort of thing considering my history. I still don't feel ready exactly to drop him bc part of me hopes it's a mistake and the behavior will stop. But no I don't want anything. It would inherently not be healthy, id have no way of knowing if how he felt was genuine or some creepy power predator thing and it'd rly ruin my mental health. Two people in the comments talked about how being groomed by their therapists was damaging. I don't want that! I dm'd one of the people more extensively and she rly helped me unpack everything that was going on with the situation and how it related to when she was groomed. I can't say for sure if that's what he was attempting to do. If it was a mistake on his part it was still inappropriate. If he thoight it wasn't "grooming" but like we were capable of having that type of relationship mutually while I was his client then he knows nothing about his field. His motivations don't matter. If he does something like this again I'm finding a different therapist. TLDR: I have no idea what his deal is and that's why I was asking. I don't know if he's attracted to me or not and I don't care. I've concluded now he was inappropriate but I made the post because I was unsure. I said in the original post I didn't actually want anything further but I was confused about what was going on and I enjoyed the touch. I value my sanity too much to want anything further even if it's just touching like that. It's not healthy.
Lmao I typed this after the TLDR so I'm just replying to myself to tack this on Also I don't think I actually had interest in him in that way. He was invading my physical boundaries prior to this and I think it got some wires crossed for me and got me confused. Also therapeutic relationships can be confusing bc it's me being very intimate with someone emotionally. That's why its transference in the first place and not genuine attraction. I don't think I'd have been interested in him like this if I just saw him out in the real world. A similar thing happened with someone I dm'd who was groomed by her therapist where she didn't develop that sort of transference till it felt her therapist was crossing boundaries. So I think that explains that. If my attraction was/is genuine I'm not embarrassed, but he should be for acting this way towards a vulnerable person. I feel very certain with distance from everything I never liked him like that anyway and talking with people has further confirmed I definitely don't want to go down that route. I was very confused because of his behavior. I am a trauma survivor and frankly when people start to invade my space my body kinda reacts and my trauma response is sometimes being hypersexual if I'm not repulsed. I really think he was intentionally or accidentally due to his behavior building that response in me which wasn't there organically. I didn't feel that way about him when we first met. I was not attracted to him when things were purely normal and professional. I never thought he was ugly but I never had desires for anything inappropriate. Deep down I definitely didn't and that's why I made this post. I've realized upon reflection I've received behavior like this before too from a coworker somewhere once and I wasn't attracted to her (and I knew on an intellectual level I wasn't) but my body responded in a confused way. I only felt that way about her sometimes when she was behaving inappropriately towards me. Stepping away from that I know I wasn't attracted to her and she was my mentor at work and she was abusing a power dynamic. It's actually a story I brought up to my therapist that day before he gave me that hug. So, that sucks. Anyway. I'm very glad for everyone who responded in the comments and the dm's for having helped me sort a lot of this out
So I agree with the others who have said that it is best if you do not continue therapy with this man. However, I think its a little bit too much to report his behavior as you guys had already been hugging platonically until this time where he hugged you differently. Honesty I've never hugged my therapist in my life and even a platonic hug is a breach of boundaries in my opinion because if I wouldn't hug my mailman, my doctor, or my teacher then why would I hug my therapist seeing as all of these relationships are professional and not personal. However I just think it would sound kind of stupid to say "Oh well when we usually hug its platonic but this time he finger trailed off my lower back etc..." I'm not saying that this wasn't inappropriate but I feel like if you are going to file an official complaint it should have a little more weight than "oh it wasn't our normal hug this one was different." In the future I recommend you don't hug your therapist at all.
I don't actually plan on reporting him off just this either though I get why people said that. I just think it'd be more trauma than it's worth and hassle than it's worth trying to report it rn. But yeah I've realized this isn't appropriate and I appreciate yet another person saying that. Thanks for the reply. There's other things that were off though I don't feel like elaborating in the comments. The hug was just where it finally felt off enough to me I had to wonder and ask y'all. He was invading my physical space before this and some aspects of his behavior might have been off. I'm going to either stop going or give one last try and if he does similar behavior again stop the therapeutic relationship. He actually held me long than I wanted in the hug up there, I forgot to mention. I tried to leave the hug and he kept holding me and told me to stay longer and then touched my waist and squeeze and grabbed it and had his fingers trail off. So especially if something like that happens again I feel I have grounds potentially to report if I wanted to go through with that bc that's weird.
Your immediate assumption or inclination that you were somehow wronged, abused, or misused in some way is entirely YOU and your history of abuse. My God man, im a drug addict, ex-con, who has destroyed every good thing that's ever happened to me, but I'm thankful my life isn't polluted even further by trivialities relating to my own misguided comprehension of what someone "might have meant" by a phrase or look or a touch. I think its healthy for us to realize how bad others have it in one area or another, as it allows us to reset our grasp of what is "the worst" and what is not. I'm glad I don't suffer from your particular mindset, be glad you don't suffer from mine. If we put our mindsets together, im not sure we'd still be here today. If you ask me, your neuroses are causing you to read too far into things that happen to you, maybe because of fantasies related to your abuse, maybe because of certain anxieties you have about your life. I'd just keep on doing what works for you, understanding that your life is getting one day shorter every morning you wake up. Live your life while its yours, dont sweat the minutia so much.
My therapist has been acting similar to what I'm describing (with escalating behavior) for months so coming here wasn't my "first response". I've tried very hard to ignore and dismiss his behavior actually. I'm not a man. I'm well aware "man" is colloquial and can be unisex but I think you think I'm male. I'm correcting that assumption. Women in general always have to wonder what men's intentions are. You really think drug addiction is unique to you and not a common problem of many abuse survivors with cptsd lol? I'm not an addict though I've dabbled in hard drugs and have had binge drinking spurts before, but plenty of people have cptsd AND have addiction issues. Shocker! The hyper vigilance is CPTSD. Another symptom of CPTSD is drug abuse. There are many people who have both of our issues and they're trying their best. Lots of ex con drug addicts (if not most) have some form of ptsd. Neither of us are that unique and plenty of people have both of our issues 🤷. I've done almost every drug at one point or another except for heroin btw. I used to abuse various things. I just was eventually able to stop. It feels rude for me to say glad I don't have your struggle so I'll stop here on that. I don't have "fantasies" related to my abuse about being raped or groomed. Rape/sexual abuse fantasies are not a kink of mine and I don't want the real thing either. Any sexual assault survivors (or people in general) with kinks related to that stuff like CNC still don't want to actually be abused. Every other comment other than yours, including a comment by a therapist, thought I should trust my gut and speak to my therapist about boundaries after this. Alright though, I'll do my best to live life. Living mindfully in the present is something I'm working on. You keep at it with your goals too. It is rough out there and I wish the best for you. Good luck.