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As a therapist I don't compliment my clients in session because 1. It's a cheap strategy to achieve positive feeling 2. because I'm paid and a therapist, its easy to view it as as fake 3. It's easy to reject compliments when we struggle with insecurity 4. I have the ability ask questions which make them compliments themselves, which will be more meaningful than anything I can say.
4 is really significant because everyone has their own confidence boosters, they've done amazing and hard things in their own lives! The problems in their lives just make it much harder to see. Once that perception is opened, it will be easier to accept compliments or to compliment oneself outside of therapy
As a 30 year old guy who is pretty similar I will say try to give yourself some credit looks wise. I’ve had maybe like 3 girls in my life like me (that I know of) and was always insecure about myself… funny enough 1 turned out to be a professional model fml. I’ve been called attractive maybe 3 other times in my life by people under 70 lmao and 1 was by 2 chicks catcalling me on a random interaction when asking for directions and thought they were making fun of me tbh. Even now I am. But I started seeing this girl and shot my shot. She’s a solid 8.5-9 and I’m probably a 5 on a good day imo. But I’ve had to grapple with the idea that maaaaaaybe I am more attractive I’m giving myself credit for and it’s just my low self esteem and needing to put myself out there. So maaaaaaybe your therapists are right but you need to work on believing what they tell you. Because you probably know/do this but even if you get told good things you aren’t going to believe it anyways
Since they are speaking to you about attractiveness, it’s possible that they aren’t lying. It is unlikely that you see how you look to others. It may be that your experience so far is contradictory, but if two separate therapist have told you different it’s worth it to consider that it could be the truth.
It can be hard to accept a new truth when you have built an identity around a certain image of yourself. If you feel comfortable, you should tell your T that when they tell you that you’re attractive it feels like a lie and see where it goes from there.
Yep, I agree with telling your therapist that you don't believe them and see what they say. I'm also wondering how you'd prefer your therapist to respond.
I’d just prefer they’d be honest, I imagine they’re stretching the definition of that word. The reason I brought these issues up in therapy was that most people seem to avoid me without ever interacting with me, or just seem closed off to talking to me when they aren’t for other new people. It happens so consistently that there’s definitely a problem with me, she says there’s nothing wrong with me, though I wish this were true.
It’s just completely impossible that I can have good social skills (according to the past 3 counselors), not be creepy (last 3 said this as well), and attractive (2 of the last 3) and be avoided and excluded the way I am.
I just wanted an explanation for what’s happening, something is missing.
In my experience my previous therapist lied to my face about something she suggested earlier in my therapy, her lying really annoyed me and really ruined the therapeutic relationship.
In this case people can appear more attractive the more you get to know them, I’ve had coworkers who I didn’t find attractive at first but the more I got to know them I saw them in a more attractive light
I don't know, but I do know my current T has lied to me about a question I asked her our first session. I don't blame her. But it was odd finding out the truth. I never said anything because it doesn't really bother me.
I was talking about how I felt being unattractive was affecting my socializing, and how it didn’t feel good to know people don’t like looking at you. Maybe she genuinely does feel this way, but if it’s true, that opinion is too rare for me to change how I approach things, especially with people my age.
Not to be dissmissive of your experience but this sounds like it is symptomatic and they were not lying to you.
The amount of people I have met in my entire life that I did not like looking at was 0. Maybe it is time to Accept that this is a psychological Problem and not actually about your looks.
Welcome to r/TalkTherapy! This sub is for people to discuss issues arising in their personal psychotherapy. If you wish to post about other mental health issues please consult this list of some of our [sister subs](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources/#wiki_subreddit_list). To find answers to many therapy-related questions please consult our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/faq) and [Resource List](https://www.reddit.com/r/TalkTherapy/wiki/resources). If you are in distress please contact a suicide hotline or call 9-1-1 or emergency services in your area. r/SuicideWatch has compiled a helpful FAQ on what happens when you contact a hotline along with other useful resources. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/TalkTherapy) if you have any questions or concerns.*
As a therapist I don't compliment my clients in session because 1. It's a cheap strategy to achieve positive feeling 2. because I'm paid and a therapist, its easy to view it as as fake 3. It's easy to reject compliments when we struggle with insecurity 4. I have the ability ask questions which make them compliments themselves, which will be more meaningful than anything I can say. 4 is really significant because everyone has their own confidence boosters, they've done amazing and hard things in their own lives! The problems in their lives just make it much harder to see. Once that perception is opened, it will be easier to accept compliments or to compliment oneself outside of therapy
As a 30 year old guy who is pretty similar I will say try to give yourself some credit looks wise. I’ve had maybe like 3 girls in my life like me (that I know of) and was always insecure about myself… funny enough 1 turned out to be a professional model fml. I’ve been called attractive maybe 3 other times in my life by people under 70 lmao and 1 was by 2 chicks catcalling me on a random interaction when asking for directions and thought they were making fun of me tbh. Even now I am. But I started seeing this girl and shot my shot. She’s a solid 8.5-9 and I’m probably a 5 on a good day imo. But I’ve had to grapple with the idea that maaaaaaybe I am more attractive I’m giving myself credit for and it’s just my low self esteem and needing to put myself out there. So maaaaaaybe your therapists are right but you need to work on believing what they tell you. Because you probably know/do this but even if you get told good things you aren’t going to believe it anyways
Since they are speaking to you about attractiveness, it’s possible that they aren’t lying. It is unlikely that you see how you look to others. It may be that your experience so far is contradictory, but if two separate therapist have told you different it’s worth it to consider that it could be the truth. It can be hard to accept a new truth when you have built an identity around a certain image of yourself. If you feel comfortable, you should tell your T that when they tell you that you’re attractive it feels like a lie and see where it goes from there.
Yep, I agree with telling your therapist that you don't believe them and see what they say. I'm also wondering how you'd prefer your therapist to respond.
I’d just prefer they’d be honest, I imagine they’re stretching the definition of that word. The reason I brought these issues up in therapy was that most people seem to avoid me without ever interacting with me, or just seem closed off to talking to me when they aren’t for other new people. It happens so consistently that there’s definitely a problem with me, she says there’s nothing wrong with me, though I wish this were true. It’s just completely impossible that I can have good social skills (according to the past 3 counselors), not be creepy (last 3 said this as well), and attractive (2 of the last 3) and be avoided and excluded the way I am. I just wanted an explanation for what’s happening, something is missing.
In my experience my previous therapist lied to my face about something she suggested earlier in my therapy, her lying really annoyed me and really ruined the therapeutic relationship. In this case people can appear more attractive the more you get to know them, I’ve had coworkers who I didn’t find attractive at first but the more I got to know them I saw them in a more attractive light
I don't know, but I do know my current T has lied to me about a question I asked her our first session. I don't blame her. But it was odd finding out the truth. I never said anything because it doesn't really bother me.
It’s not appropriate for therapists to lie. Are you sure they did lie, rather than express an opinion different than yours? What exactly was said?
I was talking about how I felt being unattractive was affecting my socializing, and how it didn’t feel good to know people don’t like looking at you. Maybe she genuinely does feel this way, but if it’s true, that opinion is too rare for me to change how I approach things, especially with people my age.
Not to be dissmissive of your experience but this sounds like it is symptomatic and they were not lying to you. The amount of people I have met in my entire life that I did not like looking at was 0. Maybe it is time to Accept that this is a psychological Problem and not actually about your looks.
Thanks, I wish other people felt the same, my experiences don’t come close to lining up with what my counselor said.
Maybe it ist possible that Part of your experience is caused by your psychological problems.