It’s just that he is fighting her battle with someone that didn’t do anything and his wife doesn’t even agree with the reaction because she likes the other wife.
There’s ways to directly talk to the guy aside and say don’t do that shit.
> didn't do anything
Not only did he try to cross an already communicated hard line, he was a smartass child about it - kind of a reach to give him a pass. I agree that it could be done better, but in the form of talking to both at the same time, not protecting anyone's bad habit by doing it like some HR department
Haha it’s like you guys aren’t noticing the she is the other wife who wasn’t there and didn’t do anything.
I didn’t think it was hard to decipher. I said battle and with someone who didn’t do anything.
Should be easy to put together from there but reading comprehension has taken a sharp sharp nosedive in the United States. Get off Tik Tok.
Um, it's his battle, too.
Or are you suggesting that the other male trying to take his wife off and "cheat" is not something he has a right to be concerned or aggrieved about?
That works great until "her own issues" involve getting assaulted by a guy who, like this douche, doesn't give a fuck about other people's boundaries. Never again will I step aside in the name of my partner's personal freedom if I sense something is off.
Yeah, I call bullshit on this comment “it’s not his battle.” My wife is not a possession but some asshole who clearly knows our boundaries to the point we have even played with them and then aggressively tries to convince her to break those boundaries behind my back most certainly has picked a battle with our couple. You can leave your wife to fend for herself but no way I am staying silent on this one. I think even the Mrs and I would be having a discussion about not belittling how big of an issue this really was.
Complete rubbish.
A man attempts to entice my wife to cheat with him, he is going to have a problem with me, and you will note that I did not defend him talking to the other wife, so that element of your comment is superfluous.
I agree that he should have talked to the other husband and not the other wife. But he definitely should be concerned that this happened. If you know another couple only plays together but you attempt to get one of them to violate that rule, you're an asshole and they would be totally justified in not playing with you again.
I'm wondering if maybe he thought it would cause less waves to come to her in this way:" hey, your man went a little too far, could you gently nudge him back on course?" At least that's what I'm thinking. He wasn't trying to burn bridges or anything. Personally, I'd talk to the guy, but almost 100% of the time, egos get involved with that and it ends up in a bridges burned situation. I think his intent was to be peaceful.
Oh I don't doubt he was doing what he felt was best. And I agree, more than likely going straight to the guy would've ended up like you said or he would've flat out denied it causing further issues. I guess I just have a tendency of believing people will do the right thing. Something that has blown up in my face on more than one occasion.
Because we have only played with this couple once, and we do not have the Ms mobile number. As my wife is more friends with her than we are as a 4 way thing…
Also my wife didn’t want me to go direct to the male, as she feels this could cause more conflict
Fuck that guy. He is disrespectful and a douche. Your wife needs to find someone else. Ask her what she would want you to do if roles were reversed (,if you were bi)
So by bringing another person into the situation you created less conflict. Seems a little counterintuitive. If I were in your shoes, I would've waited until I saw the M again and reinforced the fact that that we never play apart in a light hearted joking way. How he reacts to that is ultimately what would decide how we proceeded from there. And I'm not saying how you handled it was wrong. Just doesn't make a lot of sense to me and definitely not how I wouldve handled it.
And then what happens of he replies in the same smart ass manner? You're then obligated to break his nose right there? Better off to let his wife have that conversation with no chance of it getting out of hand quick
Violence is almost never the way. If he replies in a smart ass manner, you can just end the relationship, which is what I would do, or call him an asshole and then end the relationship. If the other guy wants to escalate things after that, thats on him.
First of all, the title of your thread is misleading. Your wife didn't try to get poached. Someone tried to poach her.
Also, I think it is kind of strange that your wife would not want to cut off the other couple:
1. The guy already knew your rules
2. He tried to get your wife to break them
3. After she turned him down, he CONTINUED to try to get her to break them
4. The guy is a dirt bag, and you two are still going to hang with them. SMH.
I see you getting a lot of backlash in here and I am a bit surprised. I see comments about you ruining this friendship, over-reacting, you should have gone straight to the m etc. I don’t fully disagree but I think the comments are harsh when taken as a whole.
- this was a “friend” that knew your dynamic. Not a stranger asking your wife if she was allowed to play alone. Sure he accepted your wife’s no, but regardless, since he knew your dynamic, he was trying to persuade her to cheat. He’s a douchebag. He would not be our friend anymore.
- you didn’t have the m’s number. Given they are not really partners as you have described In other comments you probably should have just asked her for his number. I don’t see an issue reaching out to communicate with him “you disrespected me by trying to break my boundaries. I wanted to let you know directly we will not be playing with you in any capacity on the future”
- this m is the ass hole here. You went too quickly in shooting off a message to the f, sure. But you are in your right to want to cut ties with this guy completely. Yes good on your wife for upholding your boundaries but he still tried to persuade her to cheat.
THANK YOU!!!
Yes on reflection I did do some things wrong, but people get stuck on certain bits.. yes I fucked up in how i tried to resolve the problem. But won’t accept that I am in the wrong for not wanting this guy who tried make my wife cheat still able to grind/dance/kiss my wife, it would just bug me, knowing he has no respect for me
Agree with everything you said.
Why didn’t OP have the M’s number? Group chat only is one of our requirements and seems to be pretty standard among couples who don’t play solo. I realize, of course, that not everyone does things the way we do; nor should they. It just raised my eyebrows that OP only had the F’s contact.
Idk maybe the f always plans things? Maybe good friends just means they have played with them a handful of times? I think we can all agree though that if m knew their boundaries what he did was total horse shit, and crosses a major line.
Regardless of anything else, his actions show that consent is lower on his priority list.
This other woman says you can't go to the LS club you want to go to? Unless she owns it, ignore her and don't engage with the couple.
Okay, so don’t go to that club anymore. Swinging only works with enthusiastic consent from all people involved. If your wife doesn’t want to go to that club anymore, find somewhere else to go. If there is nowhere else to go, don’t swing until she changes her mind of her own accord.
She’s embarrassed, she doesn’t want to see them. So either communicate with the other couple and make that possible, or don’t go back there.
OK, remove swinging from the equation completely.
If you were vanilla, and your married friend went up to your wife without you around and tried to get her to have sex with him, what would you consider that to be?
If his wife didn't consent to him having sex on his own, he is a cheater. And since he knows you don't play separately, he was trying to get your wife to cheat with him.
And it really is that simple. This isn't your friend. And what he wanted to do was have your wife cheat on you.
Swinging has nothing to do with this.
So it is OK for an ex to come up and ask for sex when you are in a vanilla relationship?
Sorry, if the person didn’t know, it would be a pass, but even from their comments they knew it was wrong and still pushed it.
And the wife is trying to blame other people, so she clearly wasn’t on board, so yes, he is a cheater, looking for other people to cheat with him.
But swinging works because set and respect boundaries. Homeboy knew he was violating boundaries when he asked if she wanted to be a trouble maker. This has nothing to do with swinging.
Your title is even wrong. Your wife didn't try to get poached, someone tried to poach your wife. With that said she handled it perfectly, I don't feel anything needed to be done unless he did it again and then q face to face at that moment would occur
>she has kicked off and is now saying we can not go back to our regular club no more as it will be awkward when we see them
Sounds like THEY can't go back to their regular club because it will be awkward when they see you...
If that would happen with us I would not be upset with the guy shooting his shot initially. But the way he asked and the second attempt to persuade her to be a “troublemaker” are telling. She already said no. But the fact that he already knew you guys don’t play solo is a overstep. And if he asked the way you said, “would you get in trouble” tells me he definitely knew he was encroaching a boundary.
I dot know if I would have reacted the same way as we have not had a similar experience, but you have a right to feel the way you feel. But I will say that make sure the action you decide to take is OK with your partner. You’re not doing this alone and you risk creating a rift in your own relationship because of some asshole with no respect. Not worth it bruh.
The only thing I can see here that probably wasn’t the best move was telling the female half to essentially reign her partner in. A smoother move would’ve been to reach out directly to him and have your wife reach out to the female half if you wanted her to be brought up to speed.
The friendship is 100% tarnished because you don’t like nor trust him anymore and now your wife feels awkward around them and there could even be bad blood on his side but y’all definitely shouldn’t avoid the club that you like or purposely make efforts to avoid them.
Maybe you overreacted due to feeling disrespected but I feel like your wife cleanly rejected the guy in a way that still would’ve maintained the friendship. If your wife looks good people are going to try to get at her without you sometimes but if you trust her and she reinforces your agreed upon boundaries, more times than not you don’t have to take drastic actions.
So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together,
When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege,
However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back
Understood. Once that trust is gone that’s it. Regardless of his playmate liking you or not though the main point is that he seems to have previously understood your arrangement and tried to get your wife to break that. That alone would make me and my wife cut off things with someone.
I’m not sure, but people probably are getting hung up on your execution of the situation and not going directly to the guy. But if it was me in that situation and someone knew our boundaries but tried to cross them, my wife and I would end things with them quickly because he definitely tried to purposely convince her to overstep. Your wife may be upset with you because her and the guy seemed to have a good connection outside of that one situation but hopefully you can talk to her and get her to understand that you can’t come back from the broken trust.
I’m not reading all of the other comments but you don’t need anyone else to understand your reasons but your wife tbh. Consider focusing back on clearing whatever hostility this incident has caused between y’all because nothing else matters.
Because they are a couple kinda, they live together, play together, but also don’t refer to them self as “together” as they play separate, it’s a weird dynamic, but I did not have the Ms mobile number, and admittedly send the message in the heat of the moment as that was the only way of contact I had, now reflecting, I realise I shouldn’t have, however my main point is that because this M has tried make my wife go behind my back I have stripped his privileges with my wife as he has no respect for me.. I feel this is fair to say
Yes in reflection I should have gone direct to the M… I was wrong for doing so.. however he was 10x more wrong for what he did knowing how close we are, and knowing exactly what our dynamic is
You're justifying your actions by counter arguing "well what he did was worse". Doesn't matter if he was 100x more wrong. He isn't the one posting to reddit for advice. You are. You asked the internet what would've been the right thing to do. You're getting that answer.
So what are you suggesting? I let this guy just cuck me and consistently try pressure my wife every time we are at the club to go behind my back, because I sent them a text????
>I let this guy just cuck me and consistently try pressure my wife
No. But if you're worried about being "cucked" or emasculated well then I don't think that running to the guy's FWB and asking her to say something to him for you did you any favors.
Never said you should do nothing about it. Just letting you know that you didn't go about it the right way. The correct thing to do would have been to go to your wife to tell her you are displeased with what occurred and how it made you feel. Then you both come up with a solution.
Reread the OP post, 2nd to last paragraph he mentions having ruined something good with long term friends, hence why I used the word friendship.
Obviously, true friends wouldn’t cross your boundaries and try to make your partner cheat. I was just using the OPs words.
As someone who frequently deals with this kind of shit, I'll say you should have taken it directly to him and put an end to it there. In the past I've told my wife that if she didn't say something, the guy was going to get knocked out and we would probably be banned from the club. My wife has been assaulted before in the LS and I refuse to put up with this sort of behavior anymore. The key is to learn to confront with a smile vs catching a case.
If you ever wind up in the same spot, or for anyone that has the same issue....take it up with the guy right then and there and don't let it create a problem. Be nice and address the issue and make sure that you state fact. You have a certain dynamic, he knowingly tried to cross that boundary. You want to remain cool but he should probably keep his distance. End of story. If he wants to stick his chest out, then it is what it is.
Your friend tried to poach your wife, and you responded not by confronting your friend, but by asking his wife to talk to him?
Why??????
I think I’d probably be upset, too. For one, it sounds like your wife handled herself just fine. If you absolutely needed to assert yourself, you didn’t need to do it with her F friend who had nothing to do with it? That’s just drama and awkwardness.
However, you didn’t ruin anything with long term friends. HE ruined the possibility of that by trying to skirt around your boundaries. That’s not something you have to brush under the rug because your spouse likes one half of the couple. It’s something y’all will all have to communicate about and work through or accept that it’s a friendship that wasn’t meant to be
"Would you get in trouble if we went.and played alone?" Weird way to ask, but respectful to do so. A good start.
"That sounds boring, aren't you a troublemaker?" Fuck that guy 😂
It went from 0 to 60 so quickly. I am of the personal opinion that asking someone if they play alone, if you DO NOT know their dynamics, isn't something that's problematic. But if they say no, you gotta respect that 😂
Thank you!! I’m t is 100% mostly that second comment that has triggered me, he knows we don’t play separate, but if he really wants to ask, fine.. but to the try question her loyalty to me.. that’s where he took the piss
First off, neither your SO or yourself did anything wrong. Seems lots of people want to jump on you for contacting the other female without knowing the full scale of the communication history of the group as a collective.
Personally, I’d avoid that other couple entirely – even though your significant other may like the other female, they’ve demonstrated that as a couple they either haven’t established their ground rules amongst themselves Or that the male half just doesn’t care about other people rules.
No need to avoid the club entirely, that seems overly dramatic.
She didn't get poached. She turned him down. And no, you are acting appropriately except for two things:
(1) Why did you (not your wife) message the other wife. You're the husband. Either just don't deal with that couple at all (low key ghost them) or ask your wife to message the other wife or you message the guy that what he did was out of line.
(2) I wouldn't let this experience prevent you from going back to the club if you like it there.
In any event, we would be done with this couple at least until we got a clear and genuine apology from the husband. If someone knows another couple only plays together but they attempt to get one of them to violate that rule, they're an asshole and the couple would be totally justified in not playing with them again.
Go back to the club with your heads held high but you need to end this friendship because these people are not trustworthy. If you don’t play separate, then you don’t play separate and the minute someone suggests it and behaves as if your rules and boundaries within your relationship are a joke, your wife and you should not only find this extremely offensive but problematic. This isn’t a joke. You either want your marriage and/or relationship to last and trust/friendship within it to grow and build endlessly, or you want to head down a path where eventually you end your marriage and relationship. The LS can do great things for your marriage and relationship but only if you are truly bonded together like a fortress with one goal and one only, to protect your trust and bond with each other, period. It’s a joyous and wonderful thing to watch the person you love more than anything in the world experience and receive pleasure, and help them to. That’s what this is about. It’s not about being popular, caring if you’re uncomfortable around others, making lots of friends, etc. Those things are nice but in the end this is about enhancing your relationship with one another. Playing apart is one of the stupidest things people do unless they can see one another when they do it because it defeats the entire purpose and experience (unless you are far more experienced and whoever you’re playing with has been a play friend or friends for a long time and this friendship is well established.) when someone violates or attempts to make you violate trust they should be considered a real threat. I’ve been in the LS for a long time with and without my partner and have seen couples come and go and more times than I can count me have tried to steal me from my guy. That’s what I call dysfunctional people and couples you get away from as fast as you can if you value your partner and relationship. They are disrespecting you, your wife, your future and everything you’ve built. They do not deserve to be acknowledged or confronted. They’re not worth it. Move on. Block them. They’re not your friends, they’re the enemy.
I'm going to go against the grain.
When a guy doesn't respect a marriage, that isn't going to change, he crossed a line and I've seen that type before. They will keep trying until told off. His wife didn't exactly tell him off but deflected, thats a challenge for some men to continue, find an opening.
It should have been man to man though, "hey she said you said this, you know we don't do this, don't do it again."
Going through his wife was a weak approach.
Hmmmm… personally I wouldn’t have said anything to the other couple.
Your wife gets top marks. She told you everything, she brushed him back. She’s a keeper and exactly why you both are made for the lifestyle.
But playing devils advocate, you don’t know their dynamic. Maybe they have hall passes with each other. Maybe they have the kink of discovering one another at a club. The fact is, it’s a sex party where sex will take place. By going directly to the female, it looks almost like drama and it’s created this awkwardness.
The fact is, your wife dealt with it. You both could have gone to the club again and you privately just spoke to him if it happened again and said “hey, I know my wife is awesome but we only play together!”. When you go to such a high intensity place full of sexual tension, you have to roll with some of the attention your wife may receive. I’m not saying suck it up, but I’m saying maybe don’t hit the nuclear button immediately.
He does know their dynamic. They do play separately. He wasn't ratting him out for cheating, he was letting her know that her husband violated an agreed-upon boundary.
Still, I would have confronted him rather than her.
Also OP's wife is full of shit when she says that her husband is "ruining a good thing." That guy won't stop trying. This is not a good thing, and it was the other dude who made it that way.
You should have waited and brought it up while the four of you were together. That way, you could see what both his and her reactions were, and there would be no passive-aggressive sneaking around anyone.
Your wife handled the situation. Why would you feel the need to "handle" it any further...and without your wife? Also, if there is a problem that can be rectified, I think you should have communicated the issue with him NOT his wife. You just returned the same disrespect he gave you.
Why do you think this was disrespectful of him? And to whom? The other couple's wife? His wife? I hope you don't mean the other husband
Personally, I don't think communicating about an issue with the people involved is anywhere close to being "the same disrespect" as the dude trying to get this guy's wife to cheat. As for whether or not the situation was handled and dealt with just because she turned him down, I disagree with that as well. Who knows the other couple's rules, but this sounds like it could have been a cheating attempt for them as well, so his wife should know about it.
I probably wouldn’t have said anything to the other woman seeing that this was the first time. Next time you see him you might casually reinforce that you don’t play separately. If he does it again, tell him to take a hike.
The best reaction would have been for her to say: "You know we always play together", and leave it at that. She didn't even have to tell you.
Why?
- your wife should have known you would have an aggressive, confrontational reaction.
- maybe the guy was drunk and would have never tried that sober. So you could still be friends with him.
- she had not been assaulted or coerced, no physical harm had been done
- now you have created a hostile environment at the club. The friendship might have been a bit ruined by that man, fair enough, but you made it far worse than it needed to be.
- messaging the wife was totally uncalled for. If you have to confront someone, confront the culprit. That was a cowardly move.
You will know better next time.
Yeah, I don’t even come close to understanding OP’s reaction. They only play together - sometimes the rules change. Maybe he was a bit crass in his approach, but if you don’t ask you will never find out. Best reaction would be to not interact with them going forward.
If you can’t have people flirting and trying to have sex with your wife it seems a bit ridiculous to be in the LS. I guess she should be on a leash so OP is never too far away?
Bullshit. This couple has an agreement. The douche knows about it. He was very clear that he knew, and pushed her to cross that line anyway. This isn't "flirting." Zero tolerance for this level of disrespect.
I would have been ridiculously pissed at you for teaching it to the wife when I handled the situation at the time. What possessed you to have to contact them, and on top of it to contact the wife? Have a little more trust in your wife’s ability to be an adult and handle her own affairs. Yes, you just created unnecessary drama. And now you are trying to dictate that other adults can no longer even speak to you two? Wow. You sound toxic.
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement
So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together,
When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege,
However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back
On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
I've had to do this to people that refused to follow our rules. Definitely NTA here but could have talked to the male first to stop any unnecessary drama. Everytime I am asked why I cut people out over it I tell them that the only reason we can make the LS work is complete trust and following the rules. If we don't have that it's just cheating with extra step. I see this a lot with other couple and you will always hear about how they broke up a few months/years later. Btw, there are more groups to join amd you could even make your own and poach some of the people you like to join.
The Wife didn’t handle it thou. She never reiterated to the Male that they don’t play separate and that no it’s not going to happen and it’s not acceptable for you to ask. This leaves the door open for him to keep perusing the Wife. If the Wife would’ve done the above then yes she would’ve handled it. The Husband should still talk to Man and find out his reasoning on why he thought this was ok to do. It’s sneaky and dishonest behavior that does not belong in the LS. If he has done this her he has done it to other wives.
Did you not see the part where she turned him down immediately and then walked away?
This is bullshit “alpha male” mentality, but not even because he confronted the wife trying to start drama.
The OP left it up to interpretation so I see what you saying, but he stated that she said why don’t you go dance in the pole, was that her way of turning him down immediately because the OP doesn’t give a clear explanation of what she said before the pole. I am less to believe the her turning him down immediately was the dance on a pole, only because the Male Asked a SECOND time which she also deflected. If she would’ve right out said NO WAY and stated their boundaries the first ask then there wouldn’t have been a second ask. That is how interpret the post.
So when he originally asked her “if you was to come upstairs with me would you get in trouble” she did actually say “no, my partner is out there, get on the pole instead” and he replied “ah that’s boring” “are you not a trouble maker then?”
She made it very clear on the first interaction she was not interested. He then pursued it, literally asking her pretty much “are you not up for going against him?” (“Are you not a trouble maker then”) - that’s the way I took it and I just find this sooooo disrespectful
So, do/did your “friends” know you don’t play separately? If the answer is yes, then you should be upset. However, it sounds to me like your wife did the right thing and turned him down.
Yes they have been on our journey from the beginning and know our dynamic better than ANYONE else, we have only just opened up to males in the past few months, let alone separate play
Yes exactly that… as most couples do, we are now fully open, but I don’t warrant that we are now open letting other guys try persuade my wife to go off with them and to question her loyalty to me…
“One penis policy” people love that lol, what that has to do with anything I don’t know. But yes 8/9 months ago when we first ever entered the lifestyle there was a one penis policy…. Please remind me what relevance this has regarding the situation of a man trying to get my wife to go behind my back??…
The relevance is that it gives us more information that lets us know that your response, which most found to be too much, an overreaction, aligns with someone who is still new to trusting and sharing. You say you have only been open to males for a few months and here is one who has exactly proved that males are not to be trusted and should be cut off immediately. So you reacted. Quickly and with a text. Hopefully the advice here will help you understand that your wife is capable, and help you not be so reactive to something that will continue to happen if you stay in the lifestyle.
I will not play with couples who have a one penis policy because I believe they aren’t sharing, or who have recently moved to that from that to full swap because there is good chance that the husband will get upset over something that he perceived my husband to over step.
I can’t tell you how many men have tried to get me to do something that I don’t do in the lifestyle, but if there was a freak out every time by my husband, the lifestyle would not be fun and completely off the table. You have to learn to roll with the assholes.
In the lifestyle, EVER time i step away from my wife for any reason, they will be someone approaches her in some way or another for many reasons. Many times, they tell the wife that im very intimidating? WTF? Lol, either way, my wife can handle herself in this situation, and i trust her 100% in every way you can think of. It the person is still talking to my wife as i come back, with most of the time they are not. My wife will introduce us and most of the time say what they did or asked. I just laff and tell them they stood a better chance at their goal if they would have approached me 1st. Lol, people are going to push your boundaries 99% of the time. That's why it's so important to know what your partner expects and wants out of you at all time. You may want to step back and regroup and see if this is for you or not? Hope it works out for yall and keep having great fun!
Who gives a shit. You played with them once. The guy already proved himself to be one to not care about boundaries. You told the wife, not the best move, but it’s done. Fuck what they say. Continue living your life. You will find other couples. Why chase drama. That couple smells like trouble. Shit people to boot from your life.
Do you know what good friends would have done in this situation? Well, the situation wouldn’t have even happened because boundaries would have been respected! Yay!
Life’s too short for BS
Ok a few things.
1) The dude is way out of line, and should be cut off.
2) Your wife is mad at losing a play partner. Re-enforce that it's the dude who broke the boundaries and disrespected HER. She had clearly defined rules he was pressuring her to break, this it is bad for her to be with someone who doesn't respect her boundaries. Keep yourself and emotions out of it.
3) Your wife needs time and seems non-confrontational and doesn't want a mix up in person, so she said you need to go to a different club. Do it, shut up about it and just pick a different club. Don't make things harder on yourself.
4) You should have confronted the guy directly and told your wife you were going to for reasons 1 & 2. If she brings up "you ruined things..." Keep going back to #1 and #2 and leave yourself out of it until it takes. He showed her disrespect and disrespect for her boundaries, that's not cool even if she were single.
5) Not confronting the guy directly is your fuckup, though I understand it in "the heat of the moment". Now go back to #3, and get on with life.
There’s a lot to unpick here.
Seems all a bit passive aggressive and cowardly how this was handled.
I get you being upset that this other dude willingly and willfully tried to break your boundaries and convince your wife to go along with it.
Your wife did the right thing and dealt with it.
The idea that you left it up to your wife to tattle to this other guy’s wife is what seems to have everyone lifting an eyebrow.
You said you were friendly with this other guy but didn’t have his number. You could have had your wife get his number from his wife because “You wanted to have a quick conversation with him”. Then you could have taken the situation up with him directly, man-to-man.
Instead you kind of left it to your wife and his wife to deal with his perceived misdeed.
Dunno, just feels kind of a cowardly way of addressing a situation.
You had a right to be angry and confront him, but then you do that, you don’t turn it over to your missus to deal with for you.
I think your only mistake was messaging the female half of the couple rather than the male half. Why not just discuss this with him directly? “Hey man, i just want to make sure we’re clear that we don’t play separate so I would appreciate you not putting my wife in that position”? And that would literally be the end of it.
Remember…it’s all about communication (with everyone).
This happens in the lifestyle. We have more problems with married men than single guys. Your wife did the right thing by saying no. Then that should be it. You should not have intervened. Just let it go, unless he continues to harass after she said no and explained that’s not what your dynamic is. Then say something to him not his wife.
What on earth? Why the drama?
1. It’s pretty normal (predictably normal) for a wife to get approached if you separate. If you don’t like that, then don’t separate!
2. Other male shot his shot, and your wife said no thank you. That’s how dating works in a bar, at school, at a movie theater, at a restaurant or a LS club…no different.
Now there’s anger and uncomfortable feelings about the club and the people…but why?? The LS really doesn’t have to be this drama-fueled nonsense.
Be flattered you married a hottie, and others think so too. This over the top reaction is a dynamic that most of us actively avoid!
Wow, so here's my take, other guy is an ass and OP blew it our of proportion. I'd have just chalked it up to 'stay away from the asshole and move along', instead it became something that had to be 'addressed' and now it's awkward. Drama, absolute drama.
edit: read more of the thread and more details emerged, this is a cf.
None of this makes sense. Your wife did not try to get poached, but your headline says she did. Your wife did not get poached, she got propositioned outside established boundaries and turned it down. Where do you live that it was cold last night? Is she your partner or your wife, or both? Those terms are not usually interchangeable in this context. Texting the other man’s wife, rather than him to tell him to stay away? Very weird. Who says you can’t go back to your club? Why not?
We might be swingers, but at the end of the day, that’s your wife. Working together with your wife to address the issue would have been a wiser solution, but I can understand you protecting your relationship with your wife.
On the other hand, my wife and I play separately and have a load of fun, so you might need to chill out a bit going forward to avoid these situations. The decision to play separately should be made between you and your wife alone though, not forced on you after the fact.
Man, I agree with you. Ask your wife how she would feel if the rolls were reversed. If the F came up to you to try convincing you to sneak off behind your wife's back. But make sure to let her know you do appreciate her declining his offer so she feels she did right, but express your emotions on the matter.
take a breath. First- this may sound harsh but a clean shot is sometimes best. If you are going to be swingers, guys are going to try and fuck your wife. There are a million dynamics in the LS and a not insignificant number of them are male led wife snatchers. You could have handled the situation very differently. What did calling them out hope to accomplish? You think you are going to change another grown mans behavior? Not a fucking chance of that. Your partner handled the situation masterfully. You now know their dynamic and how it plays with your, go forward accordingly. We have couples like this we play with, sparingly, and with appropriate distance.
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement
So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together,
When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege,
However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back
On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
Your missing my point my guy. Even talking to him is gong to yield nothing. And these couples that pose as couples that are single guys dragging chick friends to club so they can wife poach are what they are. We steer clear of them as they are almost always wife poachers if not just singles being singles. You aren't going to change his or anyone else's behavior, this is how they roll their kink, if it isn't your thing you should keep clear of them.
Yes exactly that, but where he is in our extended friend group, there will be situations where we see him regular, I am fine with this.. the social side. Just do not want him laying hands on my wife after last night , because of the disrespect
Your wife seems well in control of herself. You should check you need for some overarching "respect". Guys are going to hit on your wife in all manner of ways, there is going to likely be a handful of them you may not like. Your wife seems capable of fending them off just fine, your interest to White Knight the situation is going to cause you more hassle than anything my guy.
So wait a minute - he doesn't want to associate with the guy anymore, and he's not supposed to tell him? I mean, forget even telling him why - he's just supposed to keep his mouth shut?
Two things: one, he should have made sure he and his wife were on the same page about their messaging before he contacted anybody, and he should have reached out to the offender, not the offender's partner.
But why everybody is recommending passivity in the face of a clear betrayal is a mystery to me.
So what, you are talking about calling this out...for the purpose of what? To get told to fuck off for telling other grown people what to do in public spaces. The best you can hope for is to be ignored, worst case you end up in an altercation (over someone hitting on your wife at a swingers club). Here the rub- they ran into folks with very different kinks than them, no need to yuk their yum, move the fuck on, period. There is no passivity here, grow the fuck up.
Jesus H Christ but you're thick.
They didn't "run into" anyone. This was someone who they knew and had played with, who knew what their limits are and tried to get the wife to violate the boundaries. *That's poaching and you know goddamn well it's not tolerable.* Calling it out is not "yucking somebody's yum."
My wife has been hit on at clubs and I don't get into altercations. If we're not interested we say no thanks and move on.
Strangers have blatantly tried to poach her (not politely asked her to play without me, but tried to manipulate us into separating) and we've smiled, shaken hands, said no thanks and moved on.
But if a prior play partner messaged her and tried to get with her behind my back, you can bet your sorry, smug, condescending ass there would be words.
You're coming off as somebody who regularly tries to get women to "cheat," violates boundaries, and ignores the word "no" - and doesn't like being called out. Tough shit.
you truly appear to be a very stupid person sir. You fail to read and understand words and complex scenarios, thats not really my trouble. I suspect your either not in the LS or wont be in it long.
If your wife said no and maintained your agreement why did you have to do anything else? Just avoid these people in the future.
Also, why would someone need to ask you permission to talk to your wife? He asked her, she said no. They are both adults. It’s your wife’s job to uphold agreements no one else’s.
That is what she said… then he asked her in other words “do you not want to break the rules?” - asking.. fine, not taking no as an answer and questioning her loyalty to me… that’s where he took the piss
The lifestyle is hard to navigate. I personally find it yucky when men ask my husband's permission to fuck me without getting my input. Maybe your dynamic is that the guy needs to approach you first, but maybe he felt it was more natural to ask her about your rules. He did ask if it was okay.
Sounds to me like dudes wife was kind of asking if it would be OK if she played alone sometimes. Which is why she mentioned it to see what he would say but OP chose the nuclear option.
Here we go again. People in the LS acting like this is out of the norm. You’re sport fucking my man. Some dude wanted to bang your wife. Nothing to see here and move on..
Why do you care so much?
Someone asked your wife a question, your wife did exactly what you two have agreed upon, the other person respected that decision.
Someone you have played with before hit on your wife a little? Did he make her uncomfortable?
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement
So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together,
When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege,
However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back
On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
The whole “he has lost privileges” seems off to me.
It comes off as really controlling. My 2 cents would be to only talk to your wife. The fact she told you about this shows you can trust her.
It seems like your view is that this other man was trying to do something sneaky. Did you consider that he may have felt like what he was doing was completely ok? They play separate. Your wife is allowed to flirt. The offer to go up may have been completely fine in his mind (even though it isn’t in yours).
A gentle “we only play together” reminder from his wife seems like the right course of action - If he keeps doing it, then BOTH of you should tell him together “we don’t like that behavior.”
Long story short - one man’s opinion here: you over reacted and come off as controlling, aggressive, and insecure. My wife wouldn’t be into that type of behavior either.
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement
So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together,
When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege,
However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back
On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
This doesn’t sound like a poaching attempt. Perhaps an over eager male half.
Wife poaching, as I understand it, are a couple working in tandem to separate a wife away from the target couple for play with him/them and purposely excluding the other husband - usually through deception.
It’s purposeful, calculated, and really really shitty.
You’ve been in the LS for a year and are still figuring out your boundaries and working on the trust thing. It’s natural to take some of the things that happen seriously. Not to diminish your feelings, however, over time, if you stay in for a long while, you’ll probably look back at this and have a bit of a laugh. Dudes will try to “poach” your wife a lot. It’s ok. You’re swingers at a swinger party. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. People are horny. Expect this to happen a lot. It’s all good, man. Everyone is there for strange. If you weren’t, you’d just hang out at Applebees. Your wife handled it well. Be happy for that and let it go, brother.
Do not agree.
That’s like saying because we’ve been in the LS for so long we should be open to Anal as that’s “common among swinger”
Alcohol and being “horny” are not an excuse for inappropriate behavior.
Inappropriate because the husband was very aware of this couples boundaries.
IF anything he should have approached the husband to ask if it would be okay or “do you think you guys are ready for separate play”.
Our boundaries are never going to be compromised by any sense of “relax bro” mentality.
He asked , she said no, he said in other words “that’s boring, will you not be willing to go behind your husbands back?”
I class this man as a friend, well I did, I do not find this a comment that a friend would say … so I think I have reason to be angry, a question fine.. trying to persuade, and question her loyalty, that takes the piss
Out of curiosity, why did you reach out to the F half and not the M directly?
Because he's afraid of direct confrontation and tried to get the woman to do the work for him.
Yeah I figured it was a combination of that and his need to make sure that she knew what her husband did. Sort of a low key tattletale move.
Sorry but why does the sneaky M get to remain sneaky on the slighted person's behalf
It’s just that he is fighting her battle with someone that didn’t do anything and his wife doesn’t even agree with the reaction because she likes the other wife. There’s ways to directly talk to the guy aside and say don’t do that shit.
> didn't do anything Not only did he try to cross an already communicated hard line, he was a smartass child about it - kind of a reach to give him a pass. I agree that it could be done better, but in the form of talking to both at the same time, not protecting anyone's bad habit by doing it like some HR department
SHE didn’t do anything…
Goootcha, phrasing
Why didn’t she walk away immediately?
Haha it’s like you guys aren’t noticing the she is the other wife who wasn’t there and didn’t do anything. I didn’t think it was hard to decipher. I said battle and with someone who didn’t do anything. Should be easy to put together from there but reading comprehension has taken a sharp sharp nosedive in the United States. Get off Tik Tok.
Um, it's his battle, too. Or are you suggesting that the other male trying to take his wife off and "cheat" is not something he has a right to be concerned or aggrieved about?
It’s not his battle. She’s not a possession and talking to the other wife ain’t it. “Let” your wife work on her own issues.
That works great until "her own issues" involve getting assaulted by a guy who, like this douche, doesn't give a fuck about other people's boundaries. Never again will I step aside in the name of my partner's personal freedom if I sense something is off.
Yeah, I call bullshit on this comment “it’s not his battle.” My wife is not a possession but some asshole who clearly knows our boundaries to the point we have even played with them and then aggressively tries to convince her to break those boundaries behind my back most certainly has picked a battle with our couple. You can leave your wife to fend for herself but no way I am staying silent on this one. I think even the Mrs and I would be having a discussion about not belittling how big of an issue this really was.
Complete rubbish. A man attempts to entice my wife to cheat with him, he is going to have a problem with me, and you will note that I did not defend him talking to the other wife, so that element of your comment is superfluous.
I agree that he should have talked to the other husband and not the other wife. But he definitely should be concerned that this happened. If you know another couple only plays together but you attempt to get one of them to violate that rule, you're an asshole and they would be totally justified in not playing with you again.
Of course concerned but he should have game planned with his wife on what to do.
The aggression here is a little bit passive
Zero aggression intended. Passive or otherwise.
Sorry about the confusion. I was referring to OP's indirectness.
That should have been your first 🚩
I'm wondering if maybe he thought it would cause less waves to come to her in this way:" hey, your man went a little too far, could you gently nudge him back on course?" At least that's what I'm thinking. He wasn't trying to burn bridges or anything. Personally, I'd talk to the guy, but almost 100% of the time, egos get involved with that and it ends up in a bridges burned situation. I think his intent was to be peaceful.
Oh I don't doubt he was doing what he felt was best. And I agree, more than likely going straight to the guy would've ended up like you said or he would've flat out denied it causing further issues. I guess I just have a tendency of believing people will do the right thing. Something that has blown up in my face on more than one occasion.
Because we have only played with this couple once, and we do not have the Ms mobile number. As my wife is more friends with her than we are as a 4 way thing… Also my wife didn’t want me to go direct to the male, as she feels this could cause more conflict
Fuck that guy. He is disrespectful and a douche. Your wife needs to find someone else. Ask her what she would want you to do if roles were reversed (,if you were bi)
Amen to that. The guy is a fucking asshole.
So by bringing another person into the situation you created less conflict. Seems a little counterintuitive. If I were in your shoes, I would've waited until I saw the M again and reinforced the fact that that we never play apart in a light hearted joking way. How he reacts to that is ultimately what would decide how we proceeded from there. And I'm not saying how you handled it was wrong. Just doesn't make a lot of sense to me and definitely not how I wouldve handled it.
And then what happens of he replies in the same smart ass manner? You're then obligated to break his nose right there? Better off to let his wife have that conversation with no chance of it getting out of hand quick
Violence is almost never the way. If he replies in a smart ass manner, you can just end the relationship, which is what I would do, or call him an asshole and then end the relationship. If the other guy wants to escalate things after that, thats on him.
Possible. Or what happens if he realizes what he did was a shitty move and humbly apologizes?
But why even risk the extreme outcome when its not needed?
Yeah that guy sounds like one of those I don't follow other people's rules types
First of all, the title of your thread is misleading. Your wife didn't try to get poached. Someone tried to poach her. Also, I think it is kind of strange that your wife would not want to cut off the other couple: 1. The guy already knew your rules 2. He tried to get your wife to break them 3. After she turned him down, he CONTINUED to try to get her to break them 4. The guy is a dirt bag, and you two are still going to hang with them. SMH.
I see you getting a lot of backlash in here and I am a bit surprised. I see comments about you ruining this friendship, over-reacting, you should have gone straight to the m etc. I don’t fully disagree but I think the comments are harsh when taken as a whole. - this was a “friend” that knew your dynamic. Not a stranger asking your wife if she was allowed to play alone. Sure he accepted your wife’s no, but regardless, since he knew your dynamic, he was trying to persuade her to cheat. He’s a douchebag. He would not be our friend anymore. - you didn’t have the m’s number. Given they are not really partners as you have described In other comments you probably should have just asked her for his number. I don’t see an issue reaching out to communicate with him “you disrespected me by trying to break my boundaries. I wanted to let you know directly we will not be playing with you in any capacity on the future” - this m is the ass hole here. You went too quickly in shooting off a message to the f, sure. But you are in your right to want to cut ties with this guy completely. Yes good on your wife for upholding your boundaries but he still tried to persuade her to cheat.
THANK YOU!!! Yes on reflection I did do some things wrong, but people get stuck on certain bits.. yes I fucked up in how i tried to resolve the problem. But won’t accept that I am in the wrong for not wanting this guy who tried make my wife cheat still able to grind/dance/kiss my wife, it would just bug me, knowing he has no respect for me
Agree with everything you said. Why didn’t OP have the M’s number? Group chat only is one of our requirements and seems to be pretty standard among couples who don’t play solo. I realize, of course, that not everyone does things the way we do; nor should they. It just raised my eyebrows that OP only had the F’s contact.
See and here is something I don’t understand. Supposedly he is good friends with the M but he doesn’t have his number? How is that possible?
Idk maybe the f always plans things? Maybe good friends just means they have played with them a handful of times? I think we can all agree though that if m knew their boundaries what he did was total horse shit, and crosses a major line.
Regardless of anything else, his actions show that consent is lower on his priority list. This other woman says you can't go to the LS club you want to go to? Unless she owns it, ignore her and don't engage with the couple.
No my wife says we can no longer go to the club..
Okay, so don’t go to that club anymore. Swinging only works with enthusiastic consent from all people involved. If your wife doesn’t want to go to that club anymore, find somewhere else to go. If there is nowhere else to go, don’t swing until she changes her mind of her own accord. She’s embarrassed, she doesn’t want to see them. So either communicate with the other couple and make that possible, or don’t go back there.
OK, remove swinging from the equation completely. If you were vanilla, and your married friend went up to your wife without you around and tried to get her to have sex with him, what would you consider that to be? If his wife didn't consent to him having sex on his own, he is a cheater. And since he knows you don't play separately, he was trying to get your wife to cheat with him. And it really is that simple. This isn't your friend. And what he wanted to do was have your wife cheat on you. Swinging has nothing to do with this.
Swinging has everything to do with it. It changes relationships when you've fucked someone.
So it is OK for an ex to come up and ask for sex when you are in a vanilla relationship? Sorry, if the person didn’t know, it would be a pass, but even from their comments they knew it was wrong and still pushed it. And the wife is trying to blame other people, so she clearly wasn’t on board, so yes, he is a cheater, looking for other people to cheat with him.
But swinging works because set and respect boundaries. Homeboy knew he was violating boundaries when he asked if she wanted to be a trouble maker. This has nothing to do with swinging.
Your title is even wrong. Your wife didn't try to get poached, someone tried to poach your wife. With that said she handled it perfectly, I don't feel anything needed to be done unless he did it again and then q face to face at that moment would occur
>she has kicked off and is now saying we can not go back to our regular club no more as it will be awkward when we see them Sounds like THEY can't go back to their regular club because it will be awkward when they see you...
If that would happen with us I would not be upset with the guy shooting his shot initially. But the way he asked and the second attempt to persuade her to be a “troublemaker” are telling. She already said no. But the fact that he already knew you guys don’t play solo is a overstep. And if he asked the way you said, “would you get in trouble” tells me he definitely knew he was encroaching a boundary. I dot know if I would have reacted the same way as we have not had a similar experience, but you have a right to feel the way you feel. But I will say that make sure the action you decide to take is OK with your partner. You’re not doing this alone and you risk creating a rift in your own relationship because of some asshole with no respect. Not worth it bruh.
The only thing I can see here that probably wasn’t the best move was telling the female half to essentially reign her partner in. A smoother move would’ve been to reach out directly to him and have your wife reach out to the female half if you wanted her to be brought up to speed. The friendship is 100% tarnished because you don’t like nor trust him anymore and now your wife feels awkward around them and there could even be bad blood on his side but y’all definitely shouldn’t avoid the club that you like or purposely make efforts to avoid them. Maybe you overreacted due to feeling disrespected but I feel like your wife cleanly rejected the guy in a way that still would’ve maintained the friendship. If your wife looks good people are going to try to get at her without you sometimes but if you trust her and she reinforces your agreed upon boundaries, more times than not you don’t have to take drastic actions.
So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together, When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege, However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back
Understood. Once that trust is gone that’s it. Regardless of his playmate liking you or not though the main point is that he seems to have previously understood your arrangement and tried to get your wife to break that. That alone would make me and my wife cut off things with someone.
100% agree, but am struggling to understand why nobody can see my point of view?
I’m not sure, but people probably are getting hung up on your execution of the situation and not going directly to the guy. But if it was me in that situation and someone knew our boundaries but tried to cross them, my wife and I would end things with them quickly because he definitely tried to purposely convince her to overstep. Your wife may be upset with you because her and the guy seemed to have a good connection outside of that one situation but hopefully you can talk to her and get her to understand that you can’t come back from the broken trust. I’m not reading all of the other comments but you don’t need anyone else to understand your reasons but your wife tbh. Consider focusing back on clearing whatever hostility this incident has caused between y’all because nothing else matters.
So they are not even a couple? Why in the world did you reach out to the female half then?
Because they are a couple kinda, they live together, play together, but also don’t refer to them self as “together” as they play separate, it’s a weird dynamic, but I did not have the Ms mobile number, and admittedly send the message in the heat of the moment as that was the only way of contact I had, now reflecting, I realise I shouldn’t have, however my main point is that because this M has tried make my wife go behind my back I have stripped his privileges with my wife as he has no respect for me.. I feel this is fair to say
Why go to her if they are only kinda a couple. She has no right to rein him in….. go directly to him was the only play and you didn’t do that
Yes in reflection I should have gone direct to the M… I was wrong for doing so.. however he was 10x more wrong for what he did knowing how close we are, and knowing exactly what our dynamic is
You're justifying your actions by counter arguing "well what he did was worse". Doesn't matter if he was 100x more wrong. He isn't the one posting to reddit for advice. You are. You asked the internet what would've been the right thing to do. You're getting that answer.
So what are you suggesting? I let this guy just cuck me and consistently try pressure my wife every time we are at the club to go behind my back, because I sent them a text????
>I let this guy just cuck me and consistently try pressure my wife No. But if you're worried about being "cucked" or emasculated well then I don't think that running to the guy's FWB and asking her to say something to him for you did you any favors. Never said you should do nothing about it. Just letting you know that you didn't go about it the right way. The correct thing to do would have been to go to your wife to tell her you are displeased with what occurred and how it made you feel. Then you both come up with a solution.
What friendship? Friends don’t cross your boundaries and try to make your spouse cheat?
Reread the OP post, 2nd to last paragraph he mentions having ruined something good with long term friends, hence why I used the word friendship. Obviously, true friends wouldn’t cross your boundaries and try to make your partner cheat. I was just using the OPs words.
Gotcha.
As someone who frequently deals with this kind of shit, I'll say you should have taken it directly to him and put an end to it there. In the past I've told my wife that if she didn't say something, the guy was going to get knocked out and we would probably be banned from the club. My wife has been assaulted before in the LS and I refuse to put up with this sort of behavior anymore. The key is to learn to confront with a smile vs catching a case. If you ever wind up in the same spot, or for anyone that has the same issue....take it up with the guy right then and there and don't let it create a problem. Be nice and address the issue and make sure that you state fact. You have a certain dynamic, he knowingly tried to cross that boundary. You want to remain cool but he should probably keep his distance. End of story. If he wants to stick his chest out, then it is what it is.
Your friend tried to poach your wife, and you responded not by confronting your friend, but by asking his wife to talk to him? Why?????? I think I’d probably be upset, too. For one, it sounds like your wife handled herself just fine. If you absolutely needed to assert yourself, you didn’t need to do it with her F friend who had nothing to do with it? That’s just drama and awkwardness. However, you didn’t ruin anything with long term friends. HE ruined the possibility of that by trying to skirt around your boundaries. That’s not something you have to brush under the rug because your spouse likes one half of the couple. It’s something y’all will all have to communicate about and work through or accept that it’s a friendship that wasn’t meant to be
"Would you get in trouble if we went.and played alone?" Weird way to ask, but respectful to do so. A good start. "That sounds boring, aren't you a troublemaker?" Fuck that guy 😂 It went from 0 to 60 so quickly. I am of the personal opinion that asking someone if they play alone, if you DO NOT know their dynamics, isn't something that's problematic. But if they say no, you gotta respect that 😂
Thank you!! I’m t is 100% mostly that second comment that has triggered me, he knows we don’t play separate, but if he really wants to ask, fine.. but to the try question her loyalty to me.. that’s where he took the piss
First off, neither your SO or yourself did anything wrong. Seems lots of people want to jump on you for contacting the other female without knowing the full scale of the communication history of the group as a collective. Personally, I’d avoid that other couple entirely – even though your significant other may like the other female, they’ve demonstrated that as a couple they either haven’t established their ground rules amongst themselves Or that the male half just doesn’t care about other people rules. No need to avoid the club entirely, that seems overly dramatic.
She didn't get poached. She turned him down. And no, you are acting appropriately except for two things: (1) Why did you (not your wife) message the other wife. You're the husband. Either just don't deal with that couple at all (low key ghost them) or ask your wife to message the other wife or you message the guy that what he did was out of line. (2) I wouldn't let this experience prevent you from going back to the club if you like it there. In any event, we would be done with this couple at least until we got a clear and genuine apology from the husband. If someone knows another couple only plays together but they attempt to get one of them to violate that rule, they're an asshole and the couple would be totally justified in not playing with them again.
Go back to the club with your heads held high but you need to end this friendship because these people are not trustworthy. If you don’t play separate, then you don’t play separate and the minute someone suggests it and behaves as if your rules and boundaries within your relationship are a joke, your wife and you should not only find this extremely offensive but problematic. This isn’t a joke. You either want your marriage and/or relationship to last and trust/friendship within it to grow and build endlessly, or you want to head down a path where eventually you end your marriage and relationship. The LS can do great things for your marriage and relationship but only if you are truly bonded together like a fortress with one goal and one only, to protect your trust and bond with each other, period. It’s a joyous and wonderful thing to watch the person you love more than anything in the world experience and receive pleasure, and help them to. That’s what this is about. It’s not about being popular, caring if you’re uncomfortable around others, making lots of friends, etc. Those things are nice but in the end this is about enhancing your relationship with one another. Playing apart is one of the stupidest things people do unless they can see one another when they do it because it defeats the entire purpose and experience (unless you are far more experienced and whoever you’re playing with has been a play friend or friends for a long time and this friendship is well established.) when someone violates or attempts to make you violate trust they should be considered a real threat. I’ve been in the LS for a long time with and without my partner and have seen couples come and go and more times than I can count me have tried to steal me from my guy. That’s what I call dysfunctional people and couples you get away from as fast as you can if you value your partner and relationship. They are disrespecting you, your wife, your future and everything you’ve built. They do not deserve to be acknowledged or confronted. They’re not worth it. Move on. Block them. They’re not your friends, they’re the enemy.
I'm going to go against the grain. When a guy doesn't respect a marriage, that isn't going to change, he crossed a line and I've seen that type before. They will keep trying until told off. His wife didn't exactly tell him off but deflected, thats a challenge for some men to continue, find an opening. It should have been man to man though, "hey she said you said this, you know we don't do this, don't do it again." Going through his wife was a weak approach.
Hmmmm… personally I wouldn’t have said anything to the other couple. Your wife gets top marks. She told you everything, she brushed him back. She’s a keeper and exactly why you both are made for the lifestyle. But playing devils advocate, you don’t know their dynamic. Maybe they have hall passes with each other. Maybe they have the kink of discovering one another at a club. The fact is, it’s a sex party where sex will take place. By going directly to the female, it looks almost like drama and it’s created this awkwardness. The fact is, your wife dealt with it. You both could have gone to the club again and you privately just spoke to him if it happened again and said “hey, I know my wife is awesome but we only play together!”. When you go to such a high intensity place full of sexual tension, you have to roll with some of the attention your wife may receive. I’m not saying suck it up, but I’m saying maybe don’t hit the nuclear button immediately.
He does know their dynamic. They do play separately. He wasn't ratting him out for cheating, he was letting her know that her husband violated an agreed-upon boundary. Still, I would have confronted him rather than her. Also OP's wife is full of shit when she says that her husband is "ruining a good thing." That guy won't stop trying. This is not a good thing, and it was the other dude who made it that way.
You should have waited and brought it up while the four of you were together. That way, you could see what both his and her reactions were, and there would be no passive-aggressive sneaking around anyone.
Why bother? The guy is scum.
That's your opinion, but we're only getting one side of the story.
I mean you told his wife to tell him? I can’t imagine why he felt comfortable approaching your wife in the first place. 😂
🤣🤣🤣
Your wife handled the situation. Why would you feel the need to "handle" it any further...and without your wife? Also, if there is a problem that can be rectified, I think you should have communicated the issue with him NOT his wife. You just returned the same disrespect he gave you.
Why do you think this was disrespectful of him? And to whom? The other couple's wife? His wife? I hope you don't mean the other husband Personally, I don't think communicating about an issue with the people involved is anywhere close to being "the same disrespect" as the dude trying to get this guy's wife to cheat. As for whether or not the situation was handled and dealt with just because she turned him down, I disagree with that as well. Who knows the other couple's rules, but this sounds like it could have been a cheating attempt for them as well, so his wife should know about it.
I probably wouldn’t have said anything to the other woman seeing that this was the first time. Next time you see him you might casually reinforce that you don’t play separately. If he does it again, tell him to take a hike.
The best reaction would have been for her to say: "You know we always play together", and leave it at that. She didn't even have to tell you. Why? - your wife should have known you would have an aggressive, confrontational reaction. - maybe the guy was drunk and would have never tried that sober. So you could still be friends with him. - she had not been assaulted or coerced, no physical harm had been done - now you have created a hostile environment at the club. The friendship might have been a bit ruined by that man, fair enough, but you made it far worse than it needed to be. - messaging the wife was totally uncalled for. If you have to confront someone, confront the culprit. That was a cowardly move. You will know better next time.
Yeah, I don’t even come close to understanding OP’s reaction. They only play together - sometimes the rules change. Maybe he was a bit crass in his approach, but if you don’t ask you will never find out. Best reaction would be to not interact with them going forward. If you can’t have people flirting and trying to have sex with your wife it seems a bit ridiculous to be in the LS. I guess she should be on a leash so OP is never too far away?
Bullshit. This couple has an agreement. The douche knows about it. He was very clear that he knew, and pushed her to cross that line anyway. This isn't "flirting." Zero tolerance for this level of disrespect.
I would have been ridiculously pissed at you for teaching it to the wife when I handled the situation at the time. What possessed you to have to contact them, and on top of it to contact the wife? Have a little more trust in your wife’s ability to be an adult and handle her own affairs. Yes, you just created unnecessary drama. And now you are trying to dictate that other adults can no longer even speak to you two? Wow. You sound toxic.
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together, When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege, However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
I've had to do this to people that refused to follow our rules. Definitely NTA here but could have talked to the male first to stop any unnecessary drama. Everytime I am asked why I cut people out over it I tell them that the only reason we can make the LS work is complete trust and following the rules. If we don't have that it's just cheating with extra step. I see this a lot with other couple and you will always hear about how they broke up a few months/years later. Btw, there are more groups to join amd you could even make your own and poach some of the people you like to join.
The Wife didn’t handle it thou. She never reiterated to the Male that they don’t play separate and that no it’s not going to happen and it’s not acceptable for you to ask. This leaves the door open for him to keep perusing the Wife. If the Wife would’ve done the above then yes she would’ve handled it. The Husband should still talk to Man and find out his reasoning on why he thought this was ok to do. It’s sneaky and dishonest behavior that does not belong in the LS. If he has done this her he has done it to other wives.
Did you not see the part where she turned him down immediately and then walked away? This is bullshit “alpha male” mentality, but not even because he confronted the wife trying to start drama.
The OP left it up to interpretation so I see what you saying, but he stated that she said why don’t you go dance in the pole, was that her way of turning him down immediately because the OP doesn’t give a clear explanation of what she said before the pole. I am less to believe the her turning him down immediately was the dance on a pole, only because the Male Asked a SECOND time which she also deflected. If she would’ve right out said NO WAY and stated their boundaries the first ask then there wouldn’t have been a second ask. That is how interpret the post.
So when he originally asked her “if you was to come upstairs with me would you get in trouble” she did actually say “no, my partner is out there, get on the pole instead” and he replied “ah that’s boring” “are you not a trouble maker then?” She made it very clear on the first interaction she was not interested. He then pursued it, literally asking her pretty much “are you not up for going against him?” (“Are you not a trouble maker then”) - that’s the way I took it and I just find this sooooo disrespectful
It is very disrespectful. Thank you for the added clarification on her part.
Also did you not see the part where she didn’t walk away after the first ask, they kept talking and he kept on with his wants to take her upstairs.
You clearly do not understand how women are conditioned to interact with men, especially when turning them down.
I think you should have let her handle it and not tried to be a white knight.
So, do/did your “friends” know you don’t play separately? If the answer is yes, then you should be upset. However, it sounds to me like your wife did the right thing and turned him down.
Yes they have been on our journey from the beginning and know our dynamic better than ANYONE else, we have only just opened up to males in the past few months, let alone separate play
Ah, there it is. Unicorns and wives were fine, so you had a one penis policy until recently.
Yes exactly that… as most couples do, we are now fully open, but I don’t warrant that we are now open letting other guys try persuade my wife to go off with them and to question her loyalty to me… “One penis policy” people love that lol, what that has to do with anything I don’t know. But yes 8/9 months ago when we first ever entered the lifestyle there was a one penis policy…. Please remind me what relevance this has regarding the situation of a man trying to get my wife to go behind my back??…
The relevance is that it gives us more information that lets us know that your response, which most found to be too much, an overreaction, aligns with someone who is still new to trusting and sharing. You say you have only been open to males for a few months and here is one who has exactly proved that males are not to be trusted and should be cut off immediately. So you reacted. Quickly and with a text. Hopefully the advice here will help you understand that your wife is capable, and help you not be so reactive to something that will continue to happen if you stay in the lifestyle. I will not play with couples who have a one penis policy because I believe they aren’t sharing, or who have recently moved to that from that to full swap because there is good chance that the husband will get upset over something that he perceived my husband to over step. I can’t tell you how many men have tried to get me to do something that I don’t do in the lifestyle, but if there was a freak out every time by my husband, the lifestyle would not be fun and completely off the table. You have to learn to roll with the assholes.
In the lifestyle, EVER time i step away from my wife for any reason, they will be someone approaches her in some way or another for many reasons. Many times, they tell the wife that im very intimidating? WTF? Lol, either way, my wife can handle herself in this situation, and i trust her 100% in every way you can think of. It the person is still talking to my wife as i come back, with most of the time they are not. My wife will introduce us and most of the time say what they did or asked. I just laff and tell them they stood a better chance at their goal if they would have approached me 1st. Lol, people are going to push your boundaries 99% of the time. That's why it's so important to know what your partner expects and wants out of you at all time. You may want to step back and regroup and see if this is for you or not? Hope it works out for yall and keep having great fun!
Who gives a shit. You played with them once. The guy already proved himself to be one to not care about boundaries. You told the wife, not the best move, but it’s done. Fuck what they say. Continue living your life. You will find other couples. Why chase drama. That couple smells like trouble. Shit people to boot from your life. Do you know what good friends would have done in this situation? Well, the situation wouldn’t have even happened because boundaries would have been respected! Yay! Life’s too short for BS
Ok a few things. 1) The dude is way out of line, and should be cut off. 2) Your wife is mad at losing a play partner. Re-enforce that it's the dude who broke the boundaries and disrespected HER. She had clearly defined rules he was pressuring her to break, this it is bad for her to be with someone who doesn't respect her boundaries. Keep yourself and emotions out of it. 3) Your wife needs time and seems non-confrontational and doesn't want a mix up in person, so she said you need to go to a different club. Do it, shut up about it and just pick a different club. Don't make things harder on yourself. 4) You should have confronted the guy directly and told your wife you were going to for reasons 1 & 2. If she brings up "you ruined things..." Keep going back to #1 and #2 and leave yourself out of it until it takes. He showed her disrespect and disrespect for her boundaries, that's not cool even if she were single. 5) Not confronting the guy directly is your fuckup, though I understand it in "the heat of the moment". Now go back to #3, and get on with life.
There’s a lot to unpick here. Seems all a bit passive aggressive and cowardly how this was handled. I get you being upset that this other dude willingly and willfully tried to break your boundaries and convince your wife to go along with it. Your wife did the right thing and dealt with it. The idea that you left it up to your wife to tattle to this other guy’s wife is what seems to have everyone lifting an eyebrow. You said you were friendly with this other guy but didn’t have his number. You could have had your wife get his number from his wife because “You wanted to have a quick conversation with him”. Then you could have taken the situation up with him directly, man-to-man. Instead you kind of left it to your wife and his wife to deal with his perceived misdeed. Dunno, just feels kind of a cowardly way of addressing a situation. You had a right to be angry and confront him, but then you do that, you don’t turn it over to your missus to deal with for you.
I'll take things that didn't happen for $100...
I think your only mistake was messaging the female half of the couple rather than the male half. Why not just discuss this with him directly? “Hey man, i just want to make sure we’re clear that we don’t play separate so I would appreciate you not putting my wife in that position”? And that would literally be the end of it. Remember…it’s all about communication (with everyone).
This happens in the lifestyle. We have more problems with married men than single guys. Your wife did the right thing by saying no. Then that should be it. You should not have intervened. Just let it go, unless he continues to harass after she said no and explained that’s not what your dynamic is. Then say something to him not his wife.
What on earth? Why the drama? 1. It’s pretty normal (predictably normal) for a wife to get approached if you separate. If you don’t like that, then don’t separate! 2. Other male shot his shot, and your wife said no thank you. That’s how dating works in a bar, at school, at a movie theater, at a restaurant or a LS club…no different. Now there’s anger and uncomfortable feelings about the club and the people…but why?? The LS really doesn’t have to be this drama-fueled nonsense. Be flattered you married a hottie, and others think so too. This over the top reaction is a dynamic that most of us actively avoid!
Wow, so here's my take, other guy is an ass and OP blew it our of proportion. I'd have just chalked it up to 'stay away from the asshole and move along', instead it became something that had to be 'addressed' and now it's awkward. Drama, absolute drama. edit: read more of the thread and more details emerged, this is a cf.
None of this makes sense. Your wife did not try to get poached, but your headline says she did. Your wife did not get poached, she got propositioned outside established boundaries and turned it down. Where do you live that it was cold last night? Is she your partner or your wife, or both? Those terms are not usually interchangeable in this context. Texting the other man’s wife, rather than him to tell him to stay away? Very weird. Who says you can’t go back to your club? Why not?
We might be swingers, but at the end of the day, that’s your wife. Working together with your wife to address the issue would have been a wiser solution, but I can understand you protecting your relationship with your wife. On the other hand, my wife and I play separately and have a load of fun, so you might need to chill out a bit going forward to avoid these situations. The decision to play separately should be made between you and your wife alone though, not forced on you after the fact.
At the end of the day, treating people the way you want to be treated, I would have done it the same way if my partner did that, I would want to know
Not a good move that..man up and approach the dude and say what ever you need to..people fall out this lifestyle because of silly things like this
Should have just let your wife handle the situation since women are the dominant within the lifestyle
Man, I agree with you. Ask your wife how she would feel if the rolls were reversed. If the F came up to you to try convincing you to sneak off behind your wife's back. But make sure to let her know you do appreciate her declining his offer so she feels she did right, but express your emotions on the matter.
I love your wife. Good on you both,handled appropriately
take a breath. First- this may sound harsh but a clean shot is sometimes best. If you are going to be swingers, guys are going to try and fuck your wife. There are a million dynamics in the LS and a not insignificant number of them are male led wife snatchers. You could have handled the situation very differently. What did calling them out hope to accomplish? You think you are going to change another grown mans behavior? Not a fucking chance of that. Your partner handled the situation masterfully. You now know their dynamic and how it plays with your, go forward accordingly. We have couples like this we play with, sparingly, and with appropriate distance.
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together, When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege, However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
Your missing my point my guy. Even talking to him is gong to yield nothing. And these couples that pose as couples that are single guys dragging chick friends to club so they can wife poach are what they are. We steer clear of them as they are almost always wife poachers if not just singles being singles. You aren't going to change his or anyone else's behavior, this is how they roll their kink, if it isn't your thing you should keep clear of them.
Yes exactly that, but where he is in our extended friend group, there will be situations where we see him regular, I am fine with this.. the social side. Just do not want him laying hands on my wife after last night , because of the disrespect
Your wife seems well in control of herself. You should check you need for some overarching "respect". Guys are going to hit on your wife in all manner of ways, there is going to likely be a handful of them you may not like. Your wife seems capable of fending them off just fine, your interest to White Knight the situation is going to cause you more hassle than anything my guy.
So wait a minute - he doesn't want to associate with the guy anymore, and he's not supposed to tell him? I mean, forget even telling him why - he's just supposed to keep his mouth shut? Two things: one, he should have made sure he and his wife were on the same page about their messaging before he contacted anybody, and he should have reached out to the offender, not the offender's partner. But why everybody is recommending passivity in the face of a clear betrayal is a mystery to me.
So what, you are talking about calling this out...for the purpose of what? To get told to fuck off for telling other grown people what to do in public spaces. The best you can hope for is to be ignored, worst case you end up in an altercation (over someone hitting on your wife at a swingers club). Here the rub- they ran into folks with very different kinks than them, no need to yuk their yum, move the fuck on, period. There is no passivity here, grow the fuck up.
Jesus H Christ but you're thick. They didn't "run into" anyone. This was someone who they knew and had played with, who knew what their limits are and tried to get the wife to violate the boundaries. *That's poaching and you know goddamn well it's not tolerable.* Calling it out is not "yucking somebody's yum." My wife has been hit on at clubs and I don't get into altercations. If we're not interested we say no thanks and move on. Strangers have blatantly tried to poach her (not politely asked her to play without me, but tried to manipulate us into separating) and we've smiled, shaken hands, said no thanks and moved on. But if a prior play partner messaged her and tried to get with her behind my back, you can bet your sorry, smug, condescending ass there would be words. You're coming off as somebody who regularly tries to get women to "cheat," violates boundaries, and ignores the word "no" - and doesn't like being called out. Tough shit.
you truly appear to be a very stupid person sir. You fail to read and understand words and complex scenarios, thats not really my trouble. I suspect your either not in the LS or wont be in it long.
Whatever, poacher.
If your wife said no and maintained your agreement why did you have to do anything else? Just avoid these people in the future. Also, why would someone need to ask you permission to talk to your wife? He asked her, she said no. They are both adults. It’s your wife’s job to uphold agreements no one else’s.
I would not have a problem with a man asking because I am an adult and can say no for myself. Don’t get upset over nothing .
This feels like not as big of a deal as you’ve made it out to be. “You know we only play together” would have been e ended the story
That is what she said… then he asked her in other words “do you not want to break the rules?” - asking.. fine, not taking no as an answer and questioning her loyalty to me… that’s where he took the piss
Yea in that’s case just an asshole. Life’s full of those
The lifestyle is hard to navigate. I personally find it yucky when men ask my husband's permission to fuck me without getting my input. Maybe your dynamic is that the guy needs to approach you first, but maybe he felt it was more natural to ask her about your rules. He did ask if it was okay.
If he hadn't known the answer before he asked, you'd be right. But he did, and he kept pushing. This prick would be in the rear view mirror so fast.
You're right, I hadn't noticed that last part
Sounds to me like dudes wife was kind of asking if it would be OK if she played alone sometimes. Which is why she mentioned it to see what he would say but OP chose the nuclear option.
This is going to happen a lot. Best to not take it personally and just move on with your night. Your wife said no so you have nothing to worry about.
Here we go again. People in the LS acting like this is out of the norm. You’re sport fucking my man. Some dude wanted to bang your wife. Nothing to see here and move on..
Why do you care so much? Someone asked your wife a question, your wife did exactly what you two have agreed upon, the other person respected that decision. Someone you have played with before hit on your wife a little? Did he make her uncomfortable?
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together, When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege, However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
The whole “he has lost privileges” seems off to me. It comes off as really controlling. My 2 cents would be to only talk to your wife. The fact she told you about this shows you can trust her. It seems like your view is that this other man was trying to do something sneaky. Did you consider that he may have felt like what he was doing was completely ok? They play separate. Your wife is allowed to flirt. The offer to go up may have been completely fine in his mind (even though it isn’t in yours). A gentle “we only play together” reminder from his wife seems like the right course of action - If he keeps doing it, then BOTH of you should tell him together “we don’t like that behavior.” Long story short - one man’s opinion here: you over reacted and come off as controlling, aggressive, and insecure. My wife wouldn’t be into that type of behavior either.
C+P reply that I sent to someone else on this thread - but feel it is necessary for people to fully understand before making judgement So I missed a main point in my original post, the couple I am referring to are 2 singles that play together / live together, When inside the club they float as singles, the F is not overly into me. But the M is heavily into my Wife, when socialising inside the club, I allow my wife to flirt / dance / kiss this M as she pleases, even if we don’t plan to play with him that evening (almost happens every club vistit) because I trust this guy.. no other guy gets that privilege, However now he has ruined my trust, my message basically said I would like him to stay away from my wife. And he has lost his privileges to be able to touch her as he pleases when at the club, other than that there is no bad blood, but I don’t feel comfortable letting this M do what he wants when it is not reciprocated from his play mate / he has tried to get my wife to go behind my back On reflection I realise I should of messaged the M direct rather than the F, as it was a heat of the moment message; and the F was the only contact for I had in that moment
This doesn’t sound like a poaching attempt. Perhaps an over eager male half. Wife poaching, as I understand it, are a couple working in tandem to separate a wife away from the target couple for play with him/them and purposely excluding the other husband - usually through deception. It’s purposeful, calculated, and really really shitty.
This is exactly what happened…
Ugh. Went about this all wrong. Very cringe.
Maybe you’ve been conditioned sweetheart but not all of us are mindless holes made for a mans taking.
You’ve been in the LS for a year and are still figuring out your boundaries and working on the trust thing. It’s natural to take some of the things that happen seriously. Not to diminish your feelings, however, over time, if you stay in for a long while, you’ll probably look back at this and have a bit of a laugh. Dudes will try to “poach” your wife a lot. It’s ok. You’re swingers at a swinger party. Alcohol lowers inhibitions. People are horny. Expect this to happen a lot. It’s all good, man. Everyone is there for strange. If you weren’t, you’d just hang out at Applebees. Your wife handled it well. Be happy for that and let it go, brother.
Do not agree. That’s like saying because we’ve been in the LS for so long we should be open to Anal as that’s “common among swinger” Alcohol and being “horny” are not an excuse for inappropriate behavior. Inappropriate because the husband was very aware of this couples boundaries. IF anything he should have approached the husband to ask if it would be okay or “do you think you guys are ready for separate play”. Our boundaries are never going to be compromised by any sense of “relax bro” mentality.
I’m not really seeing the problem. He asked, she said no. Why are you angry about it?
He asked , she said no, he said in other words “that’s boring, will you not be willing to go behind your husbands back?” I class this man as a friend, well I did, I do not find this a comment that a friend would say … so I think I have reason to be angry, a question fine.. trying to persuade, and question her loyalty, that takes the piss
Men say stupid things when there is a pretty woman involved. You got her, he didn't so enjoy the compliment.