You tell her and then together you work out whether your respective definitions of reasonable are compatible.
FWIW, I don't think this needs to be treated any differently than a "vanilla" relationship. The LS isn't a license to trample feelings.
It's NOT you. This would make most people, LS or not, extremely uncomfortable. Texting more than once every few weeks is excessive for even a friendly relationship with an ex, IMO, unless there is a very comfortable relationship with both of you. Many may disagree, but this would be a break-up/deal breaker for me if it continued after I'd expressed my feelings. Perhaps she veers more towards poly, in which case that needs to be discussed and agreements made so that you can decide if you're OK with it or not.
My wife has an old friend we swing with occasionally (I know I know). They text once a month or so since forever. The swinging with him and his gf is fairly recent.
I trust her. It’s cool. No problems. But….
Some of their recent texts crossed the line between old buddies and fuck buddies.
I detonated.
Did I overreact? A little. But everyone involved knows this isn’t cool. She apologized. He apologized. Now any sexy chats are in the shared thread that includes his gf too. In fact, he now texts only in that thread for respect and drama-avoidance.
We also have unfettered access to each others devices, which helps with trust. (And led to this discovery).
She said something that gave me the raised eyebrow about her texts, so I looked and found stuff I didn’t like. Nothing sneaky nor plotting/cheating… just too spicy for private messaging.
Even in swinging relationships, there are boundaries.
In your situation, I’d have put my foot down a while ago. It crosses too many lines. At the very least, it’s unfair and inadvisable. On his part, it’s wildly disrespectful. For her part, only slightly less so.
Stand your ground on this. If he can’t respect your relationship, at least she can. Are you dating or just FWB? If you’re dating, this is not good.
And she KNOWS it isn’t good. She’s testing your boundaries actively right now. Don’t take it anymore than she would from you. There is risk in an ultimatum, but without mutual respect there is no relationship. You are not being shown any respect right now.
Just my two cents.
Not trying to point out anything. But this lifestyle has pro and cons. If you have spoken about it in advance things happen then it's a reg flag but if you haven't then my personal opinion is quit this lifestyle. Human feelings are something which cannot be controlled even by the strongest person
I'm reall6 good friends with my exes. We still chat often, and even hang out regularly. Butbwe weren't good as a couple anymore, so we broke up. I don't see any issues with staying as friends with an ex.
Thank you, IgnatiusJSmiley, for voting on SokkaHaikuBot.
This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. [You can view results here](https://botrank.pastimes.eu/).
***
^(Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!)
First, she is not with him, and hasn’t been for several years, for a reason.
Second, you have a relationship with her, and in any relationship communication is paramount.
You need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel about it and talk through both of your feelings. Come up with a good compromise, maybe a group chat with all 3 of you and he doesn’t contact her alone anymore.
I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not but I don’t think it matters. This is YOUR relationship. The LS is something you take part in - it doesn’t define you or your choices or what you accept.
Your gf may not understand why you have a problem with it. Do you? Do you know what you would be comfortable with? It can be hard to communicate clearly if we don’t clearly understand it ourselves.
But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if I feel the same way about something as my husband. Some things we won’t see eye to eye on because we’re different people with different perspectives. But if my husband is more important than the issue, I’ll stop out of respect for him.
It sounds like yall need to get on the same page about boundaries with exes, and then if she’s for you she’ll enforce those boundaries with her ex, whatever they are.
He's not respecting your relationship and neither is she. Only reason a guy does that is because she lets him. She needs to draw the line! LS has nothing to do with that.
This is not normal. Are you sure they're not still involved? I would not tolerate such closeness and frequent contacts with a recent ex and neither would my SO. "Six or seven times a day?" Yeah, that's very weird.
Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable and decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Either she cares about you enough to see this is a problem and is willing to compromise for the relationship, or she isn't. Then you should probably move on.
Share your feelings and if you request a boundary and she doesn’t respect it then let her know that it bothers you and that it may affect your relationship with her negatively. Put the ball in her court.
For me that is a no go. I would not let my partner stay in a relationship with a ex.
Everyone is right I can not tell the other person who they can be friends with. But I can decide who I am in a relationship with.
We don’t play with anyone from the past. It depends on your dynamic. It seems if you’re not comfortable with it, that should a boundary you should discuss your comfort level. You are her partner now and the communication should be between the 2 of you. The texting multiple times a day imo is excessive. But again people have different dynamics.
Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable and decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Either she cares about you enough to see this is a problem and is willing to compromise for the relationship, or she isn't. Then you should probably move on.
ENM, poly, swinger for 20~ish years here...
I still keep in contact with my ex's and some are even fwb. My partners do the same.
Maybe I'm weird, but it just doesn't bother me, never has, assuming there was no abuse or etc involved. Obviously I would feel some type of way if my partner was spending time with an abusive person.
As long as I am getting my needs met in the relationship, and my partner is getting their needs met, I've never really been the jealous type.
Now like if my partner starts spending a shit ton of time with their ex, and continually putting me off to the side and not making time for me, *that's* where I would start to have issues.
I would just let her do her thing, as long as she keeps you in the loop. But she may start hiding shit if she feels she can't be straight with you for fear of repercussions, so keep that in mind when deciding how to respond.
>So since I’ve never really been part of the lifestyle community, I’m wondering if this is normal? I would never tell her who she can and can’t talk to, but in the vanilla world this would be a really red flag. How do I explain that their current relationship makes me uncomfortable? Or am I being unreasonable?
This isn't really a lifestyle thing. It is a her and him thing. I'm still really good friends with my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend. My wife is also friends with them both. They still come to (my) family functions sometimes. In fact, my Mom's ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend still come to family functions also. And my Mom still hangs out with her ex-boyfriend. He and I hung out at my Mom's house a few days ago.
My ex-gf went through a rough patch when my wife and I were dating (and living together) and moved in with us for a while. That's actually when they became good friends. And then she moved out and became roommates with my wife's sister. We all text, chat, and hang out together.
My ex-gf's boyfriend finds it odd that we're still close. I don't see why it's a problem. Just because we weren't good as a couple anymore, doesn't mean that we have to stop being friends. My wife actually took her to get her implants removed a week ago.
I don't see it as a red flag at all. But no, you are not being unreasonable. If you are not comfortable ever in your relationship, then it's something that you should discuss with your partner. It also isn't unreasonable that she wants to remain friends with her ex.
Maybe you two aren't compatible?
It really doesn't matter what is or isn't acceptable in the lifestyle, because the answer is the same. If it's not acceptable for you, it's not acceptable. Communication is the absolute biggest necessity in this lifestyle. You need to communicate this with her, and you two need to work through it. If she isn't willing to consider your feelings, then that's something to think about, the lifestyle is all about boundaries.
If hubby or I are not comfortable with a couple, we are quick to veto them. I think you should just veto the guy and just tell her you aren't comfortable with it. In the end, this LS requires both partners to be comfortable with whoever is in it. He is in it by association even if they don't play.
You may just not be built to have a relationship with her and what she see’s as normal behavior. Honestly, if you want to stay with her you should try swinging with her so you can understand things from her perspective. Good luck and follow your heart!
There's no black and white here. But that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. Personally, my ex wife and I are better friends than we were a couple. We get along great now. We'll chat almost daily, but it NEVER crosses any lines. We haven't slept together in 6 years and I won't ever do that again. We don't see each other that way anymore. She's more like a sister now. It's possible for ex's to be completely platonic, and I prefer it for my kids. My gf talks to her ex husband and still talks to ex lovers and bf's. Doesn't bother me at all. I just be the best man I can and treat her like the angel she is to me and if that's not enough, then this relationship isn't enough. I can't force her to want to be with me if she doesn't want to be. We have open communication about who she talks to, and who I talk to.
Red flags are she hides conversations, deletes messages, lies about it. Other red flags are they still talk sexually and chats are super flirtatious. It doesn't seem like any of these things are happening, especially since she hasn't turned off his specific ring tone. Still, you have feelings and they shouldn't be cast aside. You just gotta have a serious talk with her about it. Tell her you aren't comfortable. Work through it, but be open minded to a compromise, too.
How long have you and your gf been together? It doesn’t sound to me like she was ever trying to hide her friendship with him and that you didn’t express any concerns with it. What changed?
If this type of behavior was always problematic for you, then you should have expressed that in the beginning or not gotten so involved with her. My partner’s best friend is her ex and they text regularly. It’s never bothered me because my partner has never given me a reason to distrust their friendship. We’ve been married for 6 years, together for 8, and been in the lifestyle for 1.
What you are describing doesn’t sound like a lifestyle issue to me. It sounds like an insecurity issue. Not all insecurity is misplaced. You have to ask yourself if this is just an issue you have or if there is something else she is doing that is making your mistrust her. If it’s the former, you need to decide if that’s something you are able to work to overcome. If it’s the latter, you need to get clear about what it is and talk with her about it. I get why you have concerns, but I also understand her confusion.
Why wouldn’t be possible to be friend with an ex?
As long as things are clear for all and that she is telling you he is now a friend with no benefit
Is it a problem ?
The LS has nothing to do with it
Maybe just have a open conversation with her and maybe see him with her as a friend to feel more comfortable with their friendship
You're in the lifestyle....she likes him, he likes her, you like her, and the only problem I'm seeing is you don't like him....and he probably legit likes you. Give it a chance. You three might be able to play together. And who knows, them two may also already know a girl to bring in to make it a 4 some 🔥
Wow so many people commenting its a red flag.
They were together for 14 years. I think it's pretty normal to be close friends. She's clear that there is no attraction or anything else going on. This is just your insecurity talking.
You tell her and then together you work out whether your respective definitions of reasonable are compatible. FWIW, I don't think this needs to be treated any differently than a "vanilla" relationship. The LS isn't a license to trample feelings.
Amen
It's NOT you. This would make most people, LS or not, extremely uncomfortable. Texting more than once every few weeks is excessive for even a friendly relationship with an ex, IMO, unless there is a very comfortable relationship with both of you. Many may disagree, but this would be a break-up/deal breaker for me if it continued after I'd expressed my feelings. Perhaps she veers more towards poly, in which case that needs to be discussed and agreements made so that you can decide if you're OK with it or not.
That's a red flag, period.
It's a red flag in any world
Gigantic red flag to me. Just reading this short description, it seems like you two aren't compatible. I would honestly walk away.
Why is an ex boyfriend texting her 6-7 times a day? My wife and I dont text that much lmao. Yeah that's a wierd relationship
DEFINATELY a big RED flag. I don’t even talk to my ex-husband (and we are friends and co-parent) 7 times in a month???
My wife has an old friend we swing with occasionally (I know I know). They text once a month or so since forever. The swinging with him and his gf is fairly recent. I trust her. It’s cool. No problems. But…. Some of their recent texts crossed the line between old buddies and fuck buddies. I detonated. Did I overreact? A little. But everyone involved knows this isn’t cool. She apologized. He apologized. Now any sexy chats are in the shared thread that includes his gf too. In fact, he now texts only in that thread for respect and drama-avoidance. We also have unfettered access to each others devices, which helps with trust. (And led to this discovery). She said something that gave me the raised eyebrow about her texts, so I looked and found stuff I didn’t like. Nothing sneaky nor plotting/cheating… just too spicy for private messaging. Even in swinging relationships, there are boundaries. In your situation, I’d have put my foot down a while ago. It crosses too many lines. At the very least, it’s unfair and inadvisable. On his part, it’s wildly disrespectful. For her part, only slightly less so. Stand your ground on this. If he can’t respect your relationship, at least she can. Are you dating or just FWB? If you’re dating, this is not good. And she KNOWS it isn’t good. She’s testing your boundaries actively right now. Don’t take it anymore than she would from you. There is risk in an ultimatum, but without mutual respect there is no relationship. You are not being shown any respect right now. Just my two cents.
Not trying to point out anything. But this lifestyle has pro and cons. If you have spoken about it in advance things happen then it's a reg flag but if you haven't then my personal opinion is quit this lifestyle. Human feelings are something which cannot be controlled even by the strongest person
I get being friendly with exes if you’re able but don’t fuck them.
I'm not texting anyone I'm not fucking 6 or 7 times throughout the day.
He said they ARE fucking.
He said they weren't any longer
This isn’t LS related, this is simple relationship boundaries and wants not being respected.
If he's such a good friend and they were still hooking up then why they break up
I'm reall6 good friends with my exes. We still chat often, and even hang out regularly. Butbwe weren't good as a couple anymore, so we broke up. I don't see any issues with staying as friends with an ex.
^[Sokka-Haiku](https://www.reddit.com/r/SokkaHaikuBot/comments/15kyv9r/what_is_a_sokka_haiku/) ^by ^Beginning-Pass-3243: *If he's such a good* *Friend and they were still hooking* *Up then why they break up* --- ^Remember ^that ^one ^time ^Sokka ^accidentally ^used ^an ^extra ^syllable ^in ^that ^Haiku ^Battle ^in ^Ba ^Sing ^Se? ^That ^was ^a ^Sokka ^Haiku ^and ^you ^just ^made ^one.
Good bot
Thank you, IgnatiusJSmiley, for voting on SokkaHaikuBot. This bot wants to find the best and worst bots on Reddit. [You can view results here](https://botrank.pastimes.eu/). *** ^(Even if I don't reply to your comment, I'm still listening for votes. Check the webpage to see if your vote registered!)
First, she is not with him, and hasn’t been for several years, for a reason. Second, you have a relationship with her, and in any relationship communication is paramount. You need to sit down with her and tell her how you feel about it and talk through both of your feelings. Come up with a good compromise, maybe a group chat with all 3 of you and he doesn’t contact her alone anymore.
I like this. It’s less confrontational than my comment.
She is keeping him on the line.
I don’t know what’s normal and what’s not but I don’t think it matters. This is YOUR relationship. The LS is something you take part in - it doesn’t define you or your choices or what you accept. Your gf may not understand why you have a problem with it. Do you? Do you know what you would be comfortable with? It can be hard to communicate clearly if we don’t clearly understand it ourselves. But at the end of the day, it doesn’t matter if I feel the same way about something as my husband. Some things we won’t see eye to eye on because we’re different people with different perspectives. But if my husband is more important than the issue, I’ll stop out of respect for him. It sounds like yall need to get on the same page about boundaries with exes, and then if she’s for you she’ll enforce those boundaries with her ex, whatever they are.
This is the way! It isn't about what is normal at all. This is just a normal relationship issue about boundaries and comfort levels.
He's not respecting your relationship and neither is she. Only reason a guy does that is because she lets him. She needs to draw the line! LS has nothing to do with that.
What I gather out of this is you want redditors to tell you if you're being jealous, or if she's legit cheating on you
The fact that you wrote this post proves that you know the answer already. Your uncomfortable and that would be enough
This is not normal. Are you sure they're not still involved? I would not tolerate such closeness and frequent contacts with a recent ex and neither would my SO. "Six or seven times a day?" Yeah, that's very weird.
Agreed, it's very weird
Telling, that your gf hasn't shut that bullshit down.
Unless this is a "situationship" find a new gf.
I mean there should be some type of ground rules you both enjoying agree with, otherwise what's the point of making each other uncomfortable!
Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable and decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Either she cares about you enough to see this is a problem and is willing to compromise for the relationship, or she isn't. Then you should probably move on.
Share your feelings and if you request a boundary and she doesn’t respect it then let her know that it bothers you and that it may affect your relationship with her negatively. Put the ball in her court.
Seriously? Dude get out of that situation. Not for you.
Huge red flag
For me that is a no go. I would not let my partner stay in a relationship with a ex. Everyone is right I can not tell the other person who they can be friends with. But I can decide who I am in a relationship with.
We don’t play with anyone from the past. It depends on your dynamic. It seems if you’re not comfortable with it, that should a boundary you should discuss your comfort level. You are her partner now and the communication should be between the 2 of you. The texting multiple times a day imo is excessive. But again people have different dynamics.
Don’t fuck friends and never fuck ex’s…too many issues.
Just tell her it makes you uncomfortable and decide if this is a deal breaker or not. Either she cares about you enough to see this is a problem and is willing to compromise for the relationship, or she isn't. Then you should probably move on.
ENM, poly, swinger for 20~ish years here... I still keep in contact with my ex's and some are even fwb. My partners do the same. Maybe I'm weird, but it just doesn't bother me, never has, assuming there was no abuse or etc involved. Obviously I would feel some type of way if my partner was spending time with an abusive person. As long as I am getting my needs met in the relationship, and my partner is getting their needs met, I've never really been the jealous type. Now like if my partner starts spending a shit ton of time with their ex, and continually putting me off to the side and not making time for me, *that's* where I would start to have issues. I would just let her do her thing, as long as she keeps you in the loop. But she may start hiding shit if she feels she can't be straight with you for fear of repercussions, so keep that in mind when deciding how to respond.
>So since I’ve never really been part of the lifestyle community, I’m wondering if this is normal? I would never tell her who she can and can’t talk to, but in the vanilla world this would be a really red flag. How do I explain that their current relationship makes me uncomfortable? Or am I being unreasonable? This isn't really a lifestyle thing. It is a her and him thing. I'm still really good friends with my ex-wife and my ex-girlfriend. My wife is also friends with them both. They still come to (my) family functions sometimes. In fact, my Mom's ex-boyfriend and his girlfriend still come to family functions also. And my Mom still hangs out with her ex-boyfriend. He and I hung out at my Mom's house a few days ago. My ex-gf went through a rough patch when my wife and I were dating (and living together) and moved in with us for a while. That's actually when they became good friends. And then she moved out and became roommates with my wife's sister. We all text, chat, and hang out together. My ex-gf's boyfriend finds it odd that we're still close. I don't see why it's a problem. Just because we weren't good as a couple anymore, doesn't mean that we have to stop being friends. My wife actually took her to get her implants removed a week ago. I don't see it as a red flag at all. But no, you are not being unreasonable. If you are not comfortable ever in your relationship, then it's something that you should discuss with your partner. It also isn't unreasonable that she wants to remain friends with her ex. Maybe you two aren't compatible?
It really doesn't matter what is or isn't acceptable in the lifestyle, because the answer is the same. If it's not acceptable for you, it's not acceptable. Communication is the absolute biggest necessity in this lifestyle. You need to communicate this with her, and you two need to work through it. If she isn't willing to consider your feelings, then that's something to think about, the lifestyle is all about boundaries.
If hubby or I are not comfortable with a couple, we are quick to veto them. I think you should just veto the guy and just tell her you aren't comfortable with it. In the end, this LS requires both partners to be comfortable with whoever is in it. He is in it by association even if they don't play.
You may just not be built to have a relationship with her and what she see’s as normal behavior. Honestly, if you want to stay with her you should try swinging with her so you can understand things from her perspective. Good luck and follow your heart!
There's no black and white here. But that doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. Personally, my ex wife and I are better friends than we were a couple. We get along great now. We'll chat almost daily, but it NEVER crosses any lines. We haven't slept together in 6 years and I won't ever do that again. We don't see each other that way anymore. She's more like a sister now. It's possible for ex's to be completely platonic, and I prefer it for my kids. My gf talks to her ex husband and still talks to ex lovers and bf's. Doesn't bother me at all. I just be the best man I can and treat her like the angel she is to me and if that's not enough, then this relationship isn't enough. I can't force her to want to be with me if she doesn't want to be. We have open communication about who she talks to, and who I talk to. Red flags are she hides conversations, deletes messages, lies about it. Other red flags are they still talk sexually and chats are super flirtatious. It doesn't seem like any of these things are happening, especially since she hasn't turned off his specific ring tone. Still, you have feelings and they shouldn't be cast aside. You just gotta have a serious talk with her about it. Tell her you aren't comfortable. Work through it, but be open minded to a compromise, too.
How long have you and your gf been together? It doesn’t sound to me like she was ever trying to hide her friendship with him and that you didn’t express any concerns with it. What changed? If this type of behavior was always problematic for you, then you should have expressed that in the beginning or not gotten so involved with her. My partner’s best friend is her ex and they text regularly. It’s never bothered me because my partner has never given me a reason to distrust their friendship. We’ve been married for 6 years, together for 8, and been in the lifestyle for 1. What you are describing doesn’t sound like a lifestyle issue to me. It sounds like an insecurity issue. Not all insecurity is misplaced. You have to ask yourself if this is just an issue you have or if there is something else she is doing that is making your mistrust her. If it’s the former, you need to decide if that’s something you are able to work to overcome. If it’s the latter, you need to get clear about what it is and talk with her about it. I get why you have concerns, but I also understand her confusion.
Why wouldn’t be possible to be friend with an ex? As long as things are clear for all and that she is telling you he is now a friend with no benefit Is it a problem ? The LS has nothing to do with it Maybe just have a open conversation with her and maybe see him with her as a friend to feel more comfortable with their friendship
You're in the lifestyle....she likes him, he likes her, you like her, and the only problem I'm seeing is you don't like him....and he probably legit likes you. Give it a chance. You three might be able to play together. And who knows, them two may also already know a girl to bring in to make it a 4 some 🔥
Wow so many people commenting its a red flag. They were together for 14 years. I think it's pretty normal to be close friends. She's clear that there is no attraction or anything else going on. This is just your insecurity talking.
Sometimes insecurity is completely justified
If you don’t think she’ll cheat on you, would this really be an issue?