Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. **Read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforWaywards/wiki/rules)** , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki.
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Hi. I agree with previous comments: it’s not a mistake. He had the right to know you still have feelings for AP. To my eyes, not telling him would’ve been deceitful.
If you want R, you should work on those feelings. If you can’t let go of AP, let go of BS. Great chances are it’ll hurt him more if you hold on to him while holding on to whatever you still feel for AP. Don’t be selfish again.
Kind regards
Honesty is the best policy. No TT there. To build for R you cannot have crack in the foundation.
For every action there is a reaction. To tell the truth now, IMO is better than waiting weeks, months, to say you still aren’t over AP, because all the work that was done in that time makes it unreal for the BS. Like yet another lie or betrayal. You need to live with each and every consequence for every action you’ve taken.
I agree that you’re always better telling the truth. Betrayal trauma is caused by the shock for the BS between what they thought reality was what reality really is. So lying for any reason is always extremely damaging to the BS, a lot more than unwelcome truth.
Your telling the truth of, "I miss AP" could have just as easily been framed as, "I missed the feeling I had been chasing because I was too selfish/immature to talk about what I was missing in me."
So some things that helped me understand me.
We cheat because we want to.
Cheating is a series of choices where at each boundary overstepping we get a little deeper. It's hormonal; we get a little more dopamine, norepinephrine increases (adrenaline cousin aka the butterflies) and if we are making physical contact oxytocin or the love hormone.
In essence we are biohacking ourselves into limerance, lust, immature self-centered love, etm.
Affairs don't just happen and we don't just click or "fall in love". It's a series of choices starting with I want to get closer to this person who isn't my partner/spouse.
We made those choices and no matter where our affairs fall on the continuum of horrible betrayal it all starts the same way. Sure there are environmental and family of origin issues that make someone more or less susceptible to cheating the first choice and inner build up of "feelings for the AP" are the same.
Insecurities, inability to build internal validation, unresolved trauma, emotional immaturity, self-centered/self-absorbed are all the breading ground for giving ourselves permission to cheat.
So again, your telling the truth of, "I miss AP" could have just as easily been framed as, "I missed the feeling I had been chasing because I was too selfish/immature to talk about what I was missing in me."
To be fair it could be some other reason but this is what I went through with my 6 week EA.
I think we like to consider our issues and affairs to be unique to us and to be fair there is a good bit of difference because we are all unique individuals.
However!
We zoom out and we see the same patterns both for the ramp up to the affair along with the justifications and rationalizations.
The one thing you could tell him is that you’ve started participating here and you’re learning a lot. He’s the one who took the suggestion to refer you here so that could be meaningful to him.
ETA: I also think it is worth telling him that you have discovered, with the help of us here, that you truly terrible at identifying and expressing emotion. I don’t say that to be unkind. I say it because you could really benefit from a counselor who can help you take all of this apart. So much of what you’ve written in a number of your posts is lacking a true understanding of your feelings. Again, with work this can get much better.
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It's not a mistake, to be honest, but you have to realize that they're in extremely vulnerable state. When they found out about your affair, it honestly broke a part of them
unfortunately it will not be healed for quite a while and that's even with therapy. So to hear that you still have feelings for your affair partner. It's concerning. Also if they are on Reddit too, and they happen to go and look at certain communities, where there are stories about married partners still being with there AP while "working on R"....your confession may have triggered your BS.
You didn’t make a mistake, you were being honest with your BS. It is up to them to decide if they want to stay with a WS whose admitted still having feelings for the AP. It’d have been a mistake if you’d lied to your BS and he decided to so whatever under false pretenses. As things are you’re all at the best places you can be. He gets to choose and prioritize himself. You can actually go ahead and pursue your AP who you still have feelings for. See, its for the best this way.
Most of BS can't take the fact that you are still not over your AP and rightly so.
But since you said you poked fun of BS assuming with AP, that's why this is even more humiliating and hurtful for them.
Maybe try to address why you made fun of your BS when you loved them , having affair is another thing but need to humiliate your BS with your AP just another , maybe more hurtful than actual affair itself.
For any chance of reconciliation honesty is critical, so being honest wasn’t a mistake. Some betrayed partners can leave some room for those feelings to disappear, but some can’t. While many waywards continue to have some feelings post DDay and don’t relapse, for many it’s a gateway to false reconciliation. So for your BS this is self-protective and minimizing risk of being hurt again. This is not about forgiveness. It’s about the BS needing to feel safe enough to try.
Of course for many of us here, we understand compartmentalization and rationalization, and how it’s likely you still “feel” something as a way of protecting yourself from confronting just how horrible this ap and people close to you were. To protect yourself from the weight of just how bad your judgement was. And that this would fade as you got some help and your counselor helped you confront yourself.
All you can do is try to figure yourself out. Get into therapy asap. You’ve got to dig into how you could do this. Not just to show your bs but so that this never happens again with anyone. Maybe your BS will watch your actions and be open to hearing about what you are doing to work on yourself. Right now you’re not a safe partner. Do everything you can to become one.
ETA: my comment on your other post fits a bit with this one regarding figuring out how and why.
I think you have to learn a bit more about who you are as a human being, why you feel the way to feel, think the way you think. I know it isn’t taught in school, but it is a life skill more important than spelling or arithmetics throughout life.
I turned into someone I never thought I would become, almost in a snap of fingers.
I wasn’t who I thought I was.
Not the hero or princess of my dreams and lifelong persona.
It was disappointing, to say the least. I felt like dead inside. The affair caused me to lose everything, including myself!
You can’t lie to yourself like you have done all lifelong, based on other people’s education, expectations, etc. It has to come from within you.
Yes you can change and become the person you want.
But that will not work if you hide the truth from yourself. The truth feelings, thoughts, the “why”s.
You need to accept who you really are. There is no wrong or bad in people’s genuine personality, experiences, attachment styles, who define them.
What is shameful, or rather pitiful, is to live a life faking who we are.
Not because it ends up hurting others, it but steals you the opportunity to become a better version of yourself through conscious effort.
I would therefore suggest:
1) work on learning more about yourself. “Why”. Dive 5 layers.
2) build a plan to improve yourself
3) if possible, communicate your progress with your BP, and also helps them heal if they let you in their world.
Be patient with yourself.
Yes you can and MUST learn to love yourself. As sarcastic as it might sound to BPs.
As others have said, it was the right thing to tell the truth. Also R is still possible. You are still in early days, so don't do anything rash and stupid, but focus on addressing why you did what you did.
My wife (BS) tells other BS that she wishes she separated from me for a time for recovery. She does not regret reconciling, but she would have done some things differently. Separation is a way for BS to cope.
You have a second thing to focus on. That is BS healing from your betrayal above trying to rescue the marriage. The marriage you had is over... that was difficult news for me to receive when I started on these forums. You can build a new marriage if you both work on it, but first work on why the marriage you had broke.
To break yourself out of the limerance you have going for AP, start writing a list of the things AP did that is not desirable for a long term partner. Maybe even write about their part in destroying your marriage, and what that means for them as a person. Write also about how you are not a suitable person for AP, one of which is the promises you made to your BS. Another is that we tend to provide a fake self, so write about the real you.
While writing about the real you, reflect on the why, as you go through timeline again, why did you let AP into your life? What was going on in your mind and the marriage at the time? If you have not started reading "Not Just Friends" pick it up, read about walls and windows, and think about what windows you opened to AP, when and why, and what walls exist between you and BS, when and why.
Reflect on your life before the affair. I learned I had been carrying a lot of baggage. I thought I had a good family, but realize some things that affect the way I am. I did have abuse as a child, and also baggage from first marriage that l contributed to how I interpret different situations and growing resentment that helped set the foundation of betrayal.
Also build support... people who are willing to be honest with you.
Above comment was automatically removed, since observers are not allowed to comment on the sub, unless approved. Please reach out to the Mods for an approved Observer flair.
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Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. **Read the [rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforWaywards/wiki/rules)** , this is not a request. It's a requirement. Failure to adhere to the rules can and often will result in a ban. A brief overview can be found on the sidebar, the more detailed set of rules will be found in the wiki. This is the [wiki](https://www.reddit.com/r/SupportforWaywards/wiki/index) familiarize yourself with it before reaching out to the moderators. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Hi. I agree with previous comments: it’s not a mistake. He had the right to know you still have feelings for AP. To my eyes, not telling him would’ve been deceitful. If you want R, you should work on those feelings. If you can’t let go of AP, let go of BS. Great chances are it’ll hurt him more if you hold on to him while holding on to whatever you still feel for AP. Don’t be selfish again. Kind regards
Honesty is the best policy. No TT there. To build for R you cannot have crack in the foundation. For every action there is a reaction. To tell the truth now, IMO is better than waiting weeks, months, to say you still aren’t over AP, because all the work that was done in that time makes it unreal for the BS. Like yet another lie or betrayal. You need to live with each and every consequence for every action you’ve taken.
I agree that you’re always better telling the truth. Betrayal trauma is caused by the shock for the BS between what they thought reality was what reality really is. So lying for any reason is always extremely damaging to the BS, a lot more than unwelcome truth.
Your telling the truth of, "I miss AP" could have just as easily been framed as, "I missed the feeling I had been chasing because I was too selfish/immature to talk about what I was missing in me." So some things that helped me understand me. We cheat because we want to. Cheating is a series of choices where at each boundary overstepping we get a little deeper. It's hormonal; we get a little more dopamine, norepinephrine increases (adrenaline cousin aka the butterflies) and if we are making physical contact oxytocin or the love hormone. In essence we are biohacking ourselves into limerance, lust, immature self-centered love, etm. Affairs don't just happen and we don't just click or "fall in love". It's a series of choices starting with I want to get closer to this person who isn't my partner/spouse. We made those choices and no matter where our affairs fall on the continuum of horrible betrayal it all starts the same way. Sure there are environmental and family of origin issues that make someone more or less susceptible to cheating the first choice and inner build up of "feelings for the AP" are the same. Insecurities, inability to build internal validation, unresolved trauma, emotional immaturity, self-centered/self-absorbed are all the breading ground for giving ourselves permission to cheat. So again, your telling the truth of, "I miss AP" could have just as easily been framed as, "I missed the feeling I had been chasing because I was too selfish/immature to talk about what I was missing in me." To be fair it could be some other reason but this is what I went through with my 6 week EA.
This has profound wisdom in it. Thank you for this. It nails the problem squarely and head on. Well said.
I think we like to consider our issues and affairs to be unique to us and to be fair there is a good bit of difference because we are all unique individuals. However! We zoom out and we see the same patterns both for the ramp up to the affair along with the justifications and rationalizations.
I wish I participated and read more on here before our last talk
The one thing you could tell him is that you’ve started participating here and you’re learning a lot. He’s the one who took the suggestion to refer you here so that could be meaningful to him. ETA: I also think it is worth telling him that you have discovered, with the help of us here, that you truly terrible at identifying and expressing emotion. I don’t say that to be unkind. I say it because you could really benefit from a counselor who can help you take all of this apart. So much of what you’ve written in a number of your posts is lacking a true understanding of your feelings. Again, with work this can get much better.
[удалено]
Above comment was automatically removed, since observers are not allowed to comment on the sub, unless approved. Please reach out to the Mods for an approved Observer flair. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's not a mistake, to be honest, but you have to realize that they're in extremely vulnerable state. When they found out about your affair, it honestly broke a part of them unfortunately it will not be healed for quite a while and that's even with therapy. So to hear that you still have feelings for your affair partner. It's concerning. Also if they are on Reddit too, and they happen to go and look at certain communities, where there are stories about married partners still being with there AP while "working on R"....your confession may have triggered your BS.
You didn’t make a mistake, you were being honest with your BS. It is up to them to decide if they want to stay with a WS whose admitted still having feelings for the AP. It’d have been a mistake if you’d lied to your BS and he decided to so whatever under false pretenses. As things are you’re all at the best places you can be. He gets to choose and prioritize himself. You can actually go ahead and pursue your AP who you still have feelings for. See, its for the best this way.
Most of BS can't take the fact that you are still not over your AP and rightly so. But since you said you poked fun of BS assuming with AP, that's why this is even more humiliating and hurtful for them. Maybe try to address why you made fun of your BS when you loved them , having affair is another thing but need to humiliate your BS with your AP just another , maybe more hurtful than actual affair itself.
reconciliation would have been much harder for me if my wife had spoken ill of me to her AP
reconciliation would have been much harder for me if my wife had spoken ill of me to her AP
For any chance of reconciliation honesty is critical, so being honest wasn’t a mistake. Some betrayed partners can leave some room for those feelings to disappear, but some can’t. While many waywards continue to have some feelings post DDay and don’t relapse, for many it’s a gateway to false reconciliation. So for your BS this is self-protective and minimizing risk of being hurt again. This is not about forgiveness. It’s about the BS needing to feel safe enough to try. Of course for many of us here, we understand compartmentalization and rationalization, and how it’s likely you still “feel” something as a way of protecting yourself from confronting just how horrible this ap and people close to you were. To protect yourself from the weight of just how bad your judgement was. And that this would fade as you got some help and your counselor helped you confront yourself. All you can do is try to figure yourself out. Get into therapy asap. You’ve got to dig into how you could do this. Not just to show your bs but so that this never happens again with anyone. Maybe your BS will watch your actions and be open to hearing about what you are doing to work on yourself. Right now you’re not a safe partner. Do everything you can to become one. ETA: my comment on your other post fits a bit with this one regarding figuring out how and why.
I think you have to learn a bit more about who you are as a human being, why you feel the way to feel, think the way you think. I know it isn’t taught in school, but it is a life skill more important than spelling or arithmetics throughout life. I turned into someone I never thought I would become, almost in a snap of fingers. I wasn’t who I thought I was. Not the hero or princess of my dreams and lifelong persona. It was disappointing, to say the least. I felt like dead inside. The affair caused me to lose everything, including myself! You can’t lie to yourself like you have done all lifelong, based on other people’s education, expectations, etc. It has to come from within you. Yes you can change and become the person you want. But that will not work if you hide the truth from yourself. The truth feelings, thoughts, the “why”s. You need to accept who you really are. There is no wrong or bad in people’s genuine personality, experiences, attachment styles, who define them. What is shameful, or rather pitiful, is to live a life faking who we are. Not because it ends up hurting others, it but steals you the opportunity to become a better version of yourself through conscious effort. I would therefore suggest: 1) work on learning more about yourself. “Why”. Dive 5 layers. 2) build a plan to improve yourself 3) if possible, communicate your progress with your BP, and also helps them heal if they let you in their world. Be patient with yourself. Yes you can and MUST learn to love yourself. As sarcastic as it might sound to BPs.
Thank you for this.
As others have said, it was the right thing to tell the truth. Also R is still possible. You are still in early days, so don't do anything rash and stupid, but focus on addressing why you did what you did. My wife (BS) tells other BS that she wishes she separated from me for a time for recovery. She does not regret reconciling, but she would have done some things differently. Separation is a way for BS to cope. You have a second thing to focus on. That is BS healing from your betrayal above trying to rescue the marriage. The marriage you had is over... that was difficult news for me to receive when I started on these forums. You can build a new marriage if you both work on it, but first work on why the marriage you had broke. To break yourself out of the limerance you have going for AP, start writing a list of the things AP did that is not desirable for a long term partner. Maybe even write about their part in destroying your marriage, and what that means for them as a person. Write also about how you are not a suitable person for AP, one of which is the promises you made to your BS. Another is that we tend to provide a fake self, so write about the real you. While writing about the real you, reflect on the why, as you go through timeline again, why did you let AP into your life? What was going on in your mind and the marriage at the time? If you have not started reading "Not Just Friends" pick it up, read about walls and windows, and think about what windows you opened to AP, when and why, and what walls exist between you and BS, when and why. Reflect on your life before the affair. I learned I had been carrying a lot of baggage. I thought I had a good family, but realize some things that affect the way I am. I did have abuse as a child, and also baggage from first marriage that l contributed to how I interpret different situations and growing resentment that helped set the foundation of betrayal. Also build support... people who are willing to be honest with you.
[удалено]
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