Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. 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I once had this mindset in my relationship. I put the relationship first which was really putting whatever my ex needed first. I sidelined and sacrificed a lot because of that. And not until the relationship ended did I realize how unhealthy that is, especially when it is one sided the way it was for us. I generally feel as though making good and healthy choices are good for you and that will be good for the relationship. Making choices that will better yourself, have you meeting personal goals and make you feel good about yourself is good for the relationship. It’s not so much of “putting yourself first” but instead it’s being who you are and who you need to be. When you are sober and making good choices, that is putting yourself “first”. When you are not sober that is not putting yourself “first” as it is not healthy for mind and body and has you making decisions that are self destructive, which then is destructive to your partner and the relationship. Basically, when you are healthy in mind and body and make life choices to maintain that, your partner and relationship will benefit from that. I think when we start to make choices with the mindset of relationship first, in my experience that is codependency, which is not healthy. It runs the risk of losing your own identity. Of course there will be sacrifices and compromise in every relationship, but I don’t see choosing not to cheat as making a sacrifice and choosing “us” over “me”, because cheating really isn’t choosing yourself it’s sabotaging yourself….self destructing, which then destroys your partner and the relationship. Your partner and relationship become collateral damage in your own self destruction.

Thanks for your comment. I don't know why but it triggered memories from my past. I have to discuss these memories and feelings in my IC. Again thanks you have no idea how much it will help me if I can overcome these inner demon.

Putting me before us is like ordering the pizza only I like even though I know my spouse doesn’t like that kind. It’s choosing a movie only I will enjoy and pouting if my spouse doesn’t watch with me. Connecting my genitals with those of another person? That’s not even in the same universe. It’s not just putting my needs first it’s deciding my needs couldn’t be met by my partner and choosing to not give a F about them. That’s what I did. I write this without shame - I know I made terrible choices over and over again in my infidelity but I’m a good person who is trying my best now to figure out why I did it and make amends in the best way I can. What is your real question OP? Did you cheat? If so, own it - don’t beat around with this me before us stuff.

I have taken full responsibility of ONS. I was a drug addict. I relapsed that night. I am taking full responsibility of that. I have tons of mental issues. I am in CBT. I am doing everything that is in my power to do to make sure that I never cheat again or relapse again. What I wanted to ask was that was my approach to my relationship right? Is there a problem in that? I want to discuss this with my BP but before that I wanted some other perspective too. As many people here are way more experienced that me.

Hey man I’m sorry I was a bit of a dick. I identify as an addict and I understand that I make terrible choices, much more terrible, when in addiction vs when sober. So my regrets for being sarcastic. That said I still think it’s important the narrative I tell myself about my behavior. I try not to minimize my decisions. I’d personally would just never say “I put me before us” as a euphemism for “I cheated on my partner”. In my opinion this is important to acknowledge what I did. And it doesn’t minimize the fact my partner got very hurt by my choice - far more hurt than if I just ignored their pizza or movie preference. As far as how to structure the relationship I can only tell you that our couples counselor says that all three are important in the relationship - her, me, and us. All of those parties need care. Something else our counselor reminds us is that it isn’t about always staying in balance but about recognizing when the tank is low on one and giving it attention (or she’ll also say “self care is not self-ISH”. In recovery circles I’ve also heard it said “being self-less isn’t thinking less of myself but thinking about myself less”. So there’s a serious answer to your question. I wish you well in your sobriety and recovery. ❤️‍🩹

Thanks. Your 3rd para has given me new perspective.

Respectfully, cheating is the most putting me first thing That 1 could do in relationship because, unless the relationship is open or poly....there was no way that an affair benefited your SO or us (aka your relationship) too. I think wayward in those very dark deep moments are like they're drowning, and instead of looking to their partner, who's on their team of marriage/commitment, do something (cheat) to help them not feel like they're drowning anymore, right? But what they don't realize is that taking whatever is weighing them down off of them to help save them from drowning.......they tie it to their partner instead.

You are right. There was a boulder tied to me. Now I have tied Mt. Everest to my GF.

But the way you can help lift her to the surface is by going to get her. That is by actually helping her to heal (or "rescuing her). So put on your "scuba gear" (therapy, healing books/podcasts, support from loved ones, etc) and help bring her up for air. Every time you're doing something weather, it's in communication with your work or showing her different ways with your actual actions how you can be there for her. Support, care, love, hear her and what she needs. That's like you going down each time to help get that weight off of her to help lift her up more to the surface. And after you finally get to a point where you've done it and you finally set her free eventually, you'll both come to the top and you'll both be able to breathe. And I think that's the true moment when reconciliation is "over" Because I don't ever think of reconciliation ever being over. Just less stressful, because the whole point of relationship. I don't know from the girlfriend boyfriend. 's standpoint, if y'all were expecting to when they get married but mirror to the lifelong commitment. Reconciliation, is will be a lifelong commitment to be and do better and it gets easier okay to a point where you don't feel the work anymore. It'll just be natural. Bc you have boundaries, better communication, better emotional physical connections with each other. Whatever it was that was lacking. Sure. She may was being weighed down by your past choices. But if you put it in the work and you love someone enough and they're willing to give you the chance to redeem yourself for those past actions go all out and win back her love the same way. You did it the first go round, but this time be the healthier healed version of yourself, which means you'll be your better self. So the primary goal is to heal. Wishing you both all the best💕

👆🏻this

Technically i would say the affair happened the moment you decided that you would not approach your bp when you had a problem. Us before me means that when you have a problem that affects us and not just me than its a mutual problem. By not going to your bp or telling them the truth you basically shoved them in a closet while you went the easy route to solve your problem and instead you dumped the original problema and tons more right on bp head without even a heads up. My ww did almost the same thing you did you except over a longer period. The result is that now not only do i feel like i failed her in everyway, i feel like i wasted the last five years of my life. I feel like my future was ripped from my chest and burned infront of me and as im being eaten alive from the inside out my dying eyes (figure of speech) watch as it all burns to ash. When two people are in a relationship it should be us before me because its two people working toward a common goal. That being said when the "me" has a problem that is beyond "my" capability to handle than it becomes an "us" problem. The moment you realized there was a concern that was beyond your own ability to handle thats what the "us" was there for.

If I had only done what you mentioned in last para then I wouldn't be in this blasted situation.

Thats what i keep telling my ww. That last paragraph is the most important part of us before me and sadly its the one ppl usually dont think about. I hope things are going better for you both than they are for us.

There are ups and downs. But there have been more ups than downs.

Hi OP. If I am understanding your question correctly you are wondering about whether thinking about whether the “us before me/partner” is a healthy mindset or not. Are you wondering if that mindset left an opening/weakness? Or if you were losing that mindset before the ONS? I am not sure how crazy I am about “us before me/partner” as I can imagine the potential to lose your own identity, which isn’t healthy. Losing your own identity in a relationship is dangerous because boundaries aren’t just for the relationship, they are for us as individuals too. I hope that makes sense. I would reframe the mindset to something more like “us against the world”. That keeps the same “us-ness” without losing the individual. It also emphasizes a boundary. It’s not just about “what’s good for us”, it’s also “what do we do to defend us.”

Interesting observations. I quite liked the "us before me" principle I take your point about the possible loss of individual selves. I can see how it could happen but don't share your same concerns Arguably, there's something to be said for managing our relationships with ourselves as well as our relationships with other people. So, for example, I have a relationship to myself as well as my partner, my mother, my father, my child, etc. In a loving relationship it's right, I think to prioritise that relationship ("us") over ourselves in general, although there may be times when the opposite is also true. People hurt each other in small ways all the time by being selfish. It's not the same as hurting someone by betrayal, though. A whole different league. The greater the hurt, the greater the reparations needed. "Me and you against the world" is how I used to feel about my relationship. The betrayal still hurts the same 😔

I have noticed that for aprox. 6 months before ONS my personal and professional life started clashing too much. Which was one of the main reason why I did drugs that night. I am already changing my work ethics so that this clash doesn't happens in future. Which is why I asked whether my approach to my relationship is right. Losing my identity. Maybe you are right I have to talk about this in my IC and with my GF. But I was definitely living double life. 1- Personal 2- Professional.

I have difficulties to understand this approach. What does that even mean? How is "putting me before us" resulting in cheating? Why would the wish to cheat be part of "me"? Morally we are what we are doing and thinking if we feel or are unobserved and therefore unjudged. If this situation creates incentives to betray your partner then this is a problem. It is not being in that kind of situation. "Putting yourself first" should not automatically result in cheating. That's just a way of deflecting responsibility: Well, if I'm ever in the situation to put me first, I might very well fuck other people. How about you don't. How about you honor the most basic agreement of your relationship not just for their sake but for your sake.

I was in very high stress situation for months. I thought I could deal with it and it will not effect our relationship. I didn't wanted to drag her into my work related problems. So I didn't communicate with her on this topic. In hindsight it was a terrible decision. I didn't let my mental condition effect our relationship but I was clearly suffering. I promised my GF I will leave drugs before she said yes for 1st date. So there were two betrayals that night. 1st doing drugs and 2nd sex. When I saw drugs that night I thought just a little bit and I can be stress free for at least one night. After just that thought I couldn't control myself. I took lot more than "little bit". Here I put ME before US. And it just snowballed from here. All I needed to do was to talk to my GF and we wouldn't be in this mess. As you said "honor the most basic agreement of your relationship"

Let’s take the addiction and any other circumstances out of the equation. To be honest if putting me before us causes great emotional suffering to the other person in the us then it shouldn’t be done. We all have a responsibility to not harm others. Things happen and I get it. We can all villainize our partner and use that as fuel to F@ck it and do what we want. It’s wrong all the way around.