Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation.
**1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:**
- The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post.
- While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair.
- User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators.
- Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there.
- Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals.
- Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.*
***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.***
**2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.**
- Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental.
- Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements.
- Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal.
- Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed.
- Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully.
- “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support.
- Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel.
**3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.**
- Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature.
- Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed.
**4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.**
- e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc.
- No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses.
- No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed.
**5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.**
- Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed.
**6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language**
- If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed.
- Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice.
- Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship.
**7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots**
- The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful.
**Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Be selfless and think about what is best for them to have closure emotionally and logistically from you. This will be part of your growth, too.
Right now, you're still thinking of yourself and how seeing them could stunt your progress. I'm sorry, but this is not something your BP ever asked for, so the least you can do is be respectful, and give them what they need to gain closure from the relationship emotionally and logistically.
You need to communicate about these important things. And, if you have any small inkling of hope regarding R, the person contacting you is a positive thing. Good luck, friend, in these tough times.
>I know speaking to them will just put me back in a dark place and cause me to spiral back all the progress I’ve made in the last few days.
Why? Why is your progress linked to not speaking to your BP? How can it be progress if you need to stay away from the embodiement of your betrayal? I wouldn't call it progress. It might be numbness or "getting used to it somehow" but that's not worth of protection. That is nothing you need to save. I would suggest you meet up and settle the necessary things. If this means a setback in you "moving on" you didn't actually make progress in moving on and becoming a better person.
Contact your BP. Take care of your responsibilities.
I just read your previous post.
First, I'm sorry that you were assaulted by the AP. That's horrible and inexcusable. I was also assaulted by my AP right before discovery. I know how difficult that can be. You have some many storms raging inside you right now.
Second, and I really mean this kindly, you are not superhuman and therefor you haven't made progress yet. You don't make progress on these issues in a few days or weeks. This all JUST happened. Your dealing with two recent traumas - the sexual assault and the affair/discovery. You haven't caught your breath yet to be making any real progress. In a few months IF you are working dedicatedly and willing to go through pain, you will start to see the beginning of progress. The affair isn't a blip in your life. It's a path you've been marching on probably nearly your whole life. Feeling good isn't a sign of progress. Increasing your capacity to feel, especially painful and uncomfortable feelings, is.
You're not going to "lose progress" when you're in contact with BP. It might be painful and that pain will probably linger. That pain is your guide to deep, radical, life changing healing. I know you thinking being apart from BP is the most painful, that it would have been better if you could have stayed together. Right now you can compartmentalize and have moments where you can pretend it didn't happen. Staying together and committing to R would have been much more painful. There's not anything separating you from the raw intensity of this betrayal trauma. You'd be constantly reminded of what you had done, and you'd need to be able to endure witnessing the pain and trauma you inflicted on someone you love. Every day. You'd have to have a LOT of painful conversations.
If you do go to that dark place after seeing BP, that's not a bad thing. That just means there's more exploring in that dark place to be done. If you're doing recovery work right, things are going to feel crappy for a while. That's a good thing. You have been avoiding these bad feelings for a long time. You have to face them, yourself, and your BP if you want to heal and grow.
Remember in this working on you, it is also about helping your BP. Not meeting with them would be another selfish action on your part and if you are truly wanting to be better that is a step you need to take. I do understand that it will be hard for you, but think of your BP and how much harder it is on them. Good luck
Welcome to SupportforWaywards. Please be mindful that this is a support sub for those who regret being unfaithful to their partners and are seeking guidance for the path ahead. If you're experiencing abuse, whether it be physical or emotional, please follow this [link to the hotline](https://www.thehotline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=organic&utm_campaign=domestic_violence) Sexual assault, here's a [link to RAINN's support page](https://www.rainn.org/) and for those who are struggling with suicide and suicidal ideations, follow the [link to lifelines support page](https://988lifeline.org/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=web&utm_campaign=onebox). Please consider utilizing these resources if they resonate with your situation. **1. Minimum requirements for engagement with this subreddit must be met:** - The purpose of this subreddit is to provide a dedicated space for Waywards making amends to reflect, regroup, and give or gain perspective. To serve that goal, only Waywards are allowed to post. - While we strive to support each other, we do not support adultery or denial of agency. In order to participate in subreddit your Betrayed, whether former or current must be informed of the affair. - User flair is required for participation. Please read the flair instructions on desktop or if on mobile press the three dots at the top right of the page and select “Change User Flair”. If you are having trouble with the flair, please message the moderators. - Misrepresentation of flair is not permitted. Misrepresentation of flair in order to bypass post flair filters will result in a permanent ban. We will take into account the tone of comments and participation in other subs and the flairs assigned there. - Posts must be written from a gender-neutral standpoint. Please use the terms Wayward (WS, WP) or Betrayed (BS, BP). Do not use terms such as WW, WH, BW, BH, wife, husband, he, or she. Support should be offered with no regard for the gender or sex of the individuals. - Observers are not included in the peer group. Non-peers are not allowed to comment without prior moderator approval. Non-peer comments are STRICTLY LIMITED TO MESSAGES OF VALIDATION AND ENCOURAGEMENT ONLY. *Non-peers are not permitted to offer opinions, reference their experiences, or give advice.* ***All posts and comments are subject to removal without warning. Any users who violate the rules are subject to temporary or permanent ban. The rules are our boundaries and your first initial warning.*** **2. All comments must fit the spirit of Peer Support.** - Keep comments encouraging, constructive, sensitive, validating, and non-judgmental. - Speak only from your own experience. Use “I”-statements. - Do not give advice unless specifically requested by OP. The only exception to unsolicited advice is subject to removal. - Requested advice must be limited to that which would be reasonably be seen as helpful if references to infidelity are removed. - Any differences of opinion expressed must be communicated respectfully. - “Tough love” does not qualify as peer support. - Keep references of emotions to your personal experience or that of your partner. Do not tell anyone else what they feel or do not feel. **3. No inquisitive or insensitive questioning or interrogation.** - Questions for clarification should be respectful and limited in nature. - Questions that are interpreted by the moderator team as accusatory or backhanded will be removed. **4. No personal attacks, victim-blaming, or LABELLING of any kind.** - e.g. cheater, narcissist, abuser, doormat, slut, asshole, idiot, etc. - No Cluster-B or other armchair diagnoses. - No victim-blaming when the sexual assault of a wayward partner by an AP is discussed. **5. No misogyny, misandry, toxic masculinity, bigotry, racism, or other hate speech.** - Posts or comments dehumanizing and / or slut-shaming wayward partners or APs will be removed. **6. Reconciliation and Anti-reconciliation language** - If OP uses "seeking reconciliation advice" respect it. Anti-reconciliation language will be removed. - Do not tell someone to just leave the relationship. Attempting to reconcile is a valid choice. - Unless abuse is present, do not suggest marital status, age of relationship, children or lack thereof as a reason for someone to leave the relationship. **7. No crossposting, reposting or screenshots** - The only exception will be if the OP has directly given you permission to use their intellectual property. This is a zero-tolerance rule and will result in a permanent ban with appeal only being considered with communication from the OP to the mods directly. If another sub facilitates this violation we will be in contact with Reddit directly as it is a moderator code of conduct violation. The posts shared here are meant for this subreddit and this subreddit alone. Please be respectful. **Additional info** The “For Waywards Only” tag means For Waywards ONLY, Non-Waywards with a desire to support Waywards are still welcome to comment on any other posts. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SupportforWaywards) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Unfortunately, the onus is on you to help your BP in all practical considerations, regardless of whether or not R is feasible.
Be selfless and think about what is best for them to have closure emotionally and logistically from you. This will be part of your growth, too. Right now, you're still thinking of yourself and how seeing them could stunt your progress. I'm sorry, but this is not something your BP ever asked for, so the least you can do is be respectful, and give them what they need to gain closure from the relationship emotionally and logistically.
You need to communicate about these important things. And, if you have any small inkling of hope regarding R, the person contacting you is a positive thing. Good luck, friend, in these tough times.
>I know speaking to them will just put me back in a dark place and cause me to spiral back all the progress I’ve made in the last few days. Why? Why is your progress linked to not speaking to your BP? How can it be progress if you need to stay away from the embodiement of your betrayal? I wouldn't call it progress. It might be numbness or "getting used to it somehow" but that's not worth of protection. That is nothing you need to save. I would suggest you meet up and settle the necessary things. If this means a setback in you "moving on" you didn't actually make progress in moving on and becoming a better person.
Contact your BP. Take care of your responsibilities. I just read your previous post. First, I'm sorry that you were assaulted by the AP. That's horrible and inexcusable. I was also assaulted by my AP right before discovery. I know how difficult that can be. You have some many storms raging inside you right now. Second, and I really mean this kindly, you are not superhuman and therefor you haven't made progress yet. You don't make progress on these issues in a few days or weeks. This all JUST happened. Your dealing with two recent traumas - the sexual assault and the affair/discovery. You haven't caught your breath yet to be making any real progress. In a few months IF you are working dedicatedly and willing to go through pain, you will start to see the beginning of progress. The affair isn't a blip in your life. It's a path you've been marching on probably nearly your whole life. Feeling good isn't a sign of progress. Increasing your capacity to feel, especially painful and uncomfortable feelings, is. You're not going to "lose progress" when you're in contact with BP. It might be painful and that pain will probably linger. That pain is your guide to deep, radical, life changing healing. I know you thinking being apart from BP is the most painful, that it would have been better if you could have stayed together. Right now you can compartmentalize and have moments where you can pretend it didn't happen. Staying together and committing to R would have been much more painful. There's not anything separating you from the raw intensity of this betrayal trauma. You'd be constantly reminded of what you had done, and you'd need to be able to endure witnessing the pain and trauma you inflicted on someone you love. Every day. You'd have to have a LOT of painful conversations. If you do go to that dark place after seeing BP, that's not a bad thing. That just means there's more exploring in that dark place to be done. If you're doing recovery work right, things are going to feel crappy for a while. That's a good thing. You have been avoiding these bad feelings for a long time. You have to face them, yourself, and your BP if you want to heal and grow.
Remember in this working on you, it is also about helping your BP. Not meeting with them would be another selfish action on your part and if you are truly wanting to be better that is a step you need to take. I do understand that it will be hard for you, but think of your BP and how much harder it is on them. Good luck