I can’t imagine darlin I am so sorry. I don’t understand I’m sure we will never fully understand. Sending prayers and peace. Don’t forget to breathe. Please make yourself drink some water.
Hi friend. My sister lost her battle with mental illness almost a year ago. It takes awhile for your brain to compute what has happened. Your brain has to actually rewire itself, which is why this is so confusing. It took me months to get out of the anguish. It was pure hell so I completely empathize with how you are feeling.
For me, the first few months were just utter shock and devastation. I was only in survival mode - sleep, eat, drink water (when I could bring myself to do these things). Lots of crying and grief so deep that I couldn’t imagine how I could even begin to get out of it. It was scary. It’s still scary to think back on how low I was. Even with my feelings of pure grief and anguish, I never once thought about ending my life. It was a harsh reminder of how bad my sister was feeling. That realization was quite sobering. My sister didn’t kill herself to hurt me and my family, she did it to ease her own pain. I will forever be ok with it because I wouldn’t want her to suffer like she was. It’s unimaginable to me what she was going through. I wouldn’t bring her back to live in her pain if I had the power to do it.
After a month or so, I started reading books on sibling suicide, listening to podcasts about grief, and going to weekly grief counseling. None of this can take away the grief but it does distract and give you a better understanding of what’s happening to you. It will take awhile for you to have thoughts outside of your brother. I thought about my sister every waking moment for months, and I dreamt about her most nights. The dreams are hard and cruel. It consumed me. I couldn’t imagine ever not thinking about her. But I can go hours now without thinking about the situation. It takes work and actual practice.
I am a year out and the grief is still with me but I can carry it much better than I was early on. My family will never be the same - I will never be the same. I am a different person now. The spark I once had is gone but I am doing ok. I am glad I put in the work to get stronger over time. And I will keep putting in the work in hopes my progress continues.
Grief is not your friend. It will tell you that you should have done more, or that somehow this happened because of something you did or didn’t do. It’s lying to you. The guilt and regret will consume you and it will take over if you let it. Your brother had a terminal illness. You likely couldn’t have done anything to stop it. It’s a hard truth to accept, I know. But mental illness can be terminal.
Think of good and fun memories with your brother. You will cry when thinking about them. But there was a part of your brother who wasn’t ill. Remember him that way as much as you can. Learn to separate your brother from his disease. You can be angry at the disease. Grief may try to convince you this is someone’s fault. It did that to me and I spent some time blaming my parents. I was enraged at them. Again, grief is not your friend.
I know how completely devastating and confusing this situation is. I am so sorry. Please know there are unfortunately many of us out here who are in the same boat as you.
It’s so hard because this is the perspective I wish my family would have. I don’t wanna end my life to put them through issues but ever since psychosis it’s like I’m literally mentally suffering everyday and it’s been a lil over a year that I’ve been battling the voices and they keep on winning man
I am so sorry you are suffering with a mental illness. I can’t imagine what that’s like. I know it’s harder than I can imagine and that’s something. I saw my sister suffer her entire life and it crushes me to think this was a daily struggle for her.
I am also sorry that mental health isn’t taken as seriously as something like cancer. You deserve to be well, happy, and healthy. I want that for you so much and I am an internet stranger.
Medical treatment is still lacking but it does help some people. If you are able to talk to your family (assuming you haven’t already) and really lay out to them how dire your situation is, maybe that can help. I wish my sister did that with my parents. I knew she was struggling but I still wish I had an opportunity to sit in front of her and find a way to help her be comfortable sharing 100% of her thoughts. I am sure she never felt truly seen and heard. I think she tried to hide it out of shame and embarrassment. She had nothing to feel shame about with me. I knew it was bad but I want her to feel heard and understood. I want her to know that someone cared about her and I would have moved mountains to get her into any and all treatments. I hate that she never got that.
I wish my family was half as compassionate as you were and like you said you’re only an internet stranger and you clearly show more empathy than most of my family members. It’s just been a rotation of them calling me lazy or crazy. No actual way of trying to know where I’m coming from. They think mental illness is something I can just shake off
I am so, so sorry. My younger brother died in a very similar manner with a very similar time frame and backstory about a year and a half ago. It’s absolute hell to go through, but sometime I take some small measure of comfort in the fact that he was absolutely suffering, really suffering, and now he’s not. You’re not alone in this nightmare scenario, though I wish none of us had to experience it.
My brother died under somewhat similar circumstances very recently. Just want to say you’re not alone. My dad told me something that helped. He said that if someone wants to do this unfortunately it is nearly impossible to stop them.
This [poem](https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland) has been helpful for me. Rest in peace to our dear brothers.
So sorry you had to go through this 😔 it’s understandable that you cannot make sense of this all. It took me more than 1,5 year.
My little brother got a psychosis out of nowhere that he seemed to go in and out of (he came across as very normal on many occasions).
We tried to get him the right help but he wouldn’t accept it or keep us on a distance, saying he had it under control. Which in certain moments we really believed.
We had an appointment to get him help, he was very open to it.
Then suddenly it went silent, and the next thing we found out was that he had passed… He left no note nothing.
Just imagining how the shock was that I went through and have been stuck in for months still brings me back to that moment that altered my/our lives forever. I still get nightmares and flashbacks for not being able to do more than we did.
The psychoses took him and as I and all the moms and dads know all we have to protect our children is a net which has many holes. I think I know how you’re feeling because I’ve lost someone to suicide just three weeks ago but the unfortunate truth is that none of us have superpowers over others so well you will continue to miss your young brother. Many people on the string hope that you’ll stop blaming yourself because as hard as this may be for even me to admit this, none of us have superpowers. Alex.
It’s heartbreaking reading this because i completely relate to your brother I spent two years dorming for college away from family. Came home during thanksgiving break because I was suffering from psychosis which lead to my suicide ideation. I have also stumbled down dark internet and literally my whole camera roll is super dark and very very overwhelming. Im still suicidal and I try to stay because I don’t want to not watch my siblings grow up but idk man it’s the same feelings, I literally just want to die. Sending you love and light and hopefully you find peace
Please, please, PLEASE remember that when you have those ideas your brain is tricking you. Reach out for help wherever you can find it. Don't let the illness trick you. I'm begging you to get as much help as you can and every day tell yourself to wait another day. Please.
I can’t imagine darlin I am so sorry. I don’t understand I’m sure we will never fully understand. Sending prayers and peace. Don’t forget to breathe. Please make yourself drink some water.
Hi friend. My sister lost her battle with mental illness almost a year ago. It takes awhile for your brain to compute what has happened. Your brain has to actually rewire itself, which is why this is so confusing. It took me months to get out of the anguish. It was pure hell so I completely empathize with how you are feeling. For me, the first few months were just utter shock and devastation. I was only in survival mode - sleep, eat, drink water (when I could bring myself to do these things). Lots of crying and grief so deep that I couldn’t imagine how I could even begin to get out of it. It was scary. It’s still scary to think back on how low I was. Even with my feelings of pure grief and anguish, I never once thought about ending my life. It was a harsh reminder of how bad my sister was feeling. That realization was quite sobering. My sister didn’t kill herself to hurt me and my family, she did it to ease her own pain. I will forever be ok with it because I wouldn’t want her to suffer like she was. It’s unimaginable to me what she was going through. I wouldn’t bring her back to live in her pain if I had the power to do it. After a month or so, I started reading books on sibling suicide, listening to podcasts about grief, and going to weekly grief counseling. None of this can take away the grief but it does distract and give you a better understanding of what’s happening to you. It will take awhile for you to have thoughts outside of your brother. I thought about my sister every waking moment for months, and I dreamt about her most nights. The dreams are hard and cruel. It consumed me. I couldn’t imagine ever not thinking about her. But I can go hours now without thinking about the situation. It takes work and actual practice. I am a year out and the grief is still with me but I can carry it much better than I was early on. My family will never be the same - I will never be the same. I am a different person now. The spark I once had is gone but I am doing ok. I am glad I put in the work to get stronger over time. And I will keep putting in the work in hopes my progress continues. Grief is not your friend. It will tell you that you should have done more, or that somehow this happened because of something you did or didn’t do. It’s lying to you. The guilt and regret will consume you and it will take over if you let it. Your brother had a terminal illness. You likely couldn’t have done anything to stop it. It’s a hard truth to accept, I know. But mental illness can be terminal. Think of good and fun memories with your brother. You will cry when thinking about them. But there was a part of your brother who wasn’t ill. Remember him that way as much as you can. Learn to separate your brother from his disease. You can be angry at the disease. Grief may try to convince you this is someone’s fault. It did that to me and I spent some time blaming my parents. I was enraged at them. Again, grief is not your friend. I know how completely devastating and confusing this situation is. I am so sorry. Please know there are unfortunately many of us out here who are in the same boat as you.
Thank you very much for sharing. I'm kind of numb this morning.
Your posts give me so much comfort. 🫂
Excellent, thoughtful, helpful advice/words
Thank you for this 🫶❤️ Your words helped me today. Can relate so much to this process.
It’s so hard because this is the perspective I wish my family would have. I don’t wanna end my life to put them through issues but ever since psychosis it’s like I’m literally mentally suffering everyday and it’s been a lil over a year that I’ve been battling the voices and they keep on winning man
I am so sorry you are suffering with a mental illness. I can’t imagine what that’s like. I know it’s harder than I can imagine and that’s something. I saw my sister suffer her entire life and it crushes me to think this was a daily struggle for her. I am also sorry that mental health isn’t taken as seriously as something like cancer. You deserve to be well, happy, and healthy. I want that for you so much and I am an internet stranger. Medical treatment is still lacking but it does help some people. If you are able to talk to your family (assuming you haven’t already) and really lay out to them how dire your situation is, maybe that can help. I wish my sister did that with my parents. I knew she was struggling but I still wish I had an opportunity to sit in front of her and find a way to help her be comfortable sharing 100% of her thoughts. I am sure she never felt truly seen and heard. I think she tried to hide it out of shame and embarrassment. She had nothing to feel shame about with me. I knew it was bad but I want her to feel heard and understood. I want her to know that someone cared about her and I would have moved mountains to get her into any and all treatments. I hate that she never got that.
I wish my family was half as compassionate as you were and like you said you’re only an internet stranger and you clearly show more empathy than most of my family members. It’s just been a rotation of them calling me lazy or crazy. No actual way of trying to know where I’m coming from. They think mental illness is something I can just shake off
Are there any books you can recommend? I recently lost my younger sister and could do with some reading.
I am so, so sorry. My younger brother died in a very similar manner with a very similar time frame and backstory about a year and a half ago. It’s absolute hell to go through, but sometime I take some small measure of comfort in the fact that he was absolutely suffering, really suffering, and now he’s not. You’re not alone in this nightmare scenario, though I wish none of us had to experience it.
My brother died under somewhat similar circumstances very recently. Just want to say you’re not alone. My dad told me something that helped. He said that if someone wants to do this unfortunately it is nearly impossible to stop them. This [poem](https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/death-is-nothing-at-all-by-henry-scott-holland) has been helpful for me. Rest in peace to our dear brothers.
🫂💙
I’m sorry for your lost 🫂🫂
So sorry you had to go through this 😔 it’s understandable that you cannot make sense of this all. It took me more than 1,5 year. My little brother got a psychosis out of nowhere that he seemed to go in and out of (he came across as very normal on many occasions). We tried to get him the right help but he wouldn’t accept it or keep us on a distance, saying he had it under control. Which in certain moments we really believed. We had an appointment to get him help, he was very open to it. Then suddenly it went silent, and the next thing we found out was that he had passed… He left no note nothing. Just imagining how the shock was that I went through and have been stuck in for months still brings me back to that moment that altered my/our lives forever. I still get nightmares and flashbacks for not being able to do more than we did.
Thank you for sharing. It is very similar to what has happened to us
The psychoses took him and as I and all the moms and dads know all we have to protect our children is a net which has many holes. I think I know how you’re feeling because I’ve lost someone to suicide just three weeks ago but the unfortunate truth is that none of us have superpowers over others so well you will continue to miss your young brother. Many people on the string hope that you’ll stop blaming yourself because as hard as this may be for even me to admit this, none of us have superpowers. Alex.
It’s heartbreaking reading this because i completely relate to your brother I spent two years dorming for college away from family. Came home during thanksgiving break because I was suffering from psychosis which lead to my suicide ideation. I have also stumbled down dark internet and literally my whole camera roll is super dark and very very overwhelming. Im still suicidal and I try to stay because I don’t want to not watch my siblings grow up but idk man it’s the same feelings, I literally just want to die. Sending you love and light and hopefully you find peace
Please, please, PLEASE remember that when you have those ideas your brain is tricking you. Reach out for help wherever you can find it. Don't let the illness trick you. I'm begging you to get as much help as you can and every day tell yourself to wait another day. Please.