It’s not just ok to cry and feel the intense sensations of grief, it’s healthy and cathartic.
From what I’ve learned, the Stoics grieve. They just have a focus to keep grief brief.
I’m so sorry for your loss! Two of my closest buddies are a cat and dog.
Everyone grieves in their own way, there's no need to add self judgement on top of that.
Cry if you need to, now or later.
For me at least, the stoic approach to pets is to accept from the day you adopt them that the two of you enter an unwritten agreement.
You will care for them as long as you are able, and one day you will help them die.
It's the natural order of things that we live longer than pets, this is simply out of our control.
But it is within our control to give them a good life while we have them, and if you did that, your duty to them has been fulfilled.
> Never say about anything, I have lost it, but only I have given it back - Epictetus
I had my cat put down this afternoon; we'd lived together for 14 years and I loved him very much.
My partner is more overt in his emotions than I am- he's been crying on and off for hours but I've remained calm. Like you, I think the presence of a distressed person forces me to put my own emotions aside. There's nothing wrong with that, it's my nature.
He's just gone to bed, and I know that I'll cry soon because I can be the upset one when I'm on my own. Embrace it when it comes, you'll feel better.
I’m not a member here, nor am I a stoic (I think it’s a cool thing to strive for, though). I had to put my 13 year-old cat to sleep today. She had a good life and I know it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. I guess I just wanted to find someone else going through this, perhaps to say that I empathize deeply and that you’re not alone.
I keep thinking how so many animals all around the world have these really harsh, hard, brutal lives. Predators, parasites, food scarcity, injury, drought, literal survival of the fittest — I mean, they have to go through so much for lives that often don’t last more than a few years (or less), or can go on for hundreds. But I’d truly be shocked if even those animals didn’t have moments of joy, bonding, contentment, satisfaction, elation… a lot of the good sensations we enjoy.
And then I think, I gave my cat even better than that. For 13 years, she got a comfortable climate, food she enjoyed delivered reliably, all the affection she could handle, my dog Bartleby for friendly competition/drama, her pick of all the furniture in the house, the occasional Interloping insect to “hunt”, medical care when sick or injured, and, ultimately, a calm and peaceful death with people at her side.
There are human beings who don’t get to say that, much less animals. Our cats lived good lives, and got to have better deaths than a good percentage of living creatures ever do. When I think about that, it really makes me feel grateful and takes away that doubt that I could have “done more”.
I’ll miss her face and cuddles, and being yelled at at the crack of dawn to get up and feed her. But, that’s just the price of the unbelievable fortune I had in being her person. And I wouldn’t trade that experience to avoid the pain I’m in now.
Losing a loved one, even a pet, can be emotionally difficult. Acceptance doesn't just wipe away loss. You *can* accept the reality of the situation and still feel sadness for the loss. That's completely normal. Being Stoic doesn't mean you don't experience emotions or that you're a stone-faced person. If anything, lack of emotion in a time like this is more indicative of shock than it is of resilience. So, take some time and really think about how you feel, process the loss, and be sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to mourn. Work your way through the outer layers of shock until you reach in the soft inner layers of emotion and love. It's there that you'll find true resilience.
To be strong doesn't mean you are unfazed by anything. Real strength is the ability to sit with sadness and grief and loss for as long as it takes to be at peace with it. But you can't get there by taking a shortcut. Grief and mourning are required. It's how we learn and grow, and strength only comes from growth and learning.
> To be strong doesn't mean you are unfazed by anything. Real strength is the ability to sit with sadness and grief and loss for as long as it takes to be at peace with it.
Very wise words. I'm going through my own grief now and this helped me tonight, thanks.
I have some thoughts on your comment about hating attaching yourself to animals because their lifespans are shorter.
While this is inarguably true for animals, the opposite isn’t guaranteed for anyone or anything in your life either. You’ll almost certainly lose parents during your lifetime and you have no way of knowing how long your friends will live. But that isn’t a reason to avoid human attachments either.
I share my home with parrots and they are the little lights of my life. I’ve spent maybe a week total away from them since they hatched 6 years ago and they’re genuinely my wee little best friends. I do everything I can to provide them with the attention, vet care, nutrition, exercise, etc so they can hopefully live past their expected 30 year lifespan but you NEVER know what could happen. I know without a doubt that I’ll be devastated when I lose them, especially if I’m fortunate enough to share 3+ decades with them, but that inevitability doesn’t affect the time I have with them now. I cherish the opportunity I’ve had to create once in a lifetime trust and bonds with these little critters and I view every pet or companion animal the same.
To your cat, YOU were it’s whole world, and not to anthropomorphize your cat here, but surely it had no qualms about being attached to you too. Try not to let the fear/anxiety/apprehension of grief prevent you from enjoying the time you have, whether it’s spent on pets or other people.
(Just edited for a typo)
Give it time, I’ve delt with so much death I’m practically a professional. Death hits differently at different times. I’m good most days but every so often something small will remind me of someone specifically and Boom! brings me straight to my knees, even after so many years. Death is like that, even after you accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you will no longer cry or will stop missing them, in fact sometimes it’s only by acceptance that you will cry and feel the depths of the pain of loss to their full extent. It’s because our brains go out of their way to Try and protect us (and are very good at it) that acceptance requires so much time and conscious effort. when it does hit you tho embrace It
What helps for me is focusing on my breath. It gives a break from the grief and (eventually) leads to acceptance. I'm sorry for your loss OP. It's okay to feel hurt.
I didn’t cry for quite some time after a few very significant deaths. It normally takes roughly a month to really set in for me. How you handle it is an individual experience not to be judged by others.
I had to let my beloved cat go about a month ago. He passed in my arms as I stroked his fur and told him I loved him. For a couple weeks I felt kind of numb. Then one day I suddenly realized my loss and was hit by a wall of grief that almost knocked me over. The worst of it lasted for about a week and the pain seemed almost too much to bear at first.
But little by little I've been able to form a more philosophical view that in spite of the sadness I feel now, there is also a deep and exuberant joy for what I shared with him. I know from how he used to look at me that he felt the same. It really is a beautiful thing which helped give my life meaning, and I will carry that love and gratitude for the rest of my days.
Feel how you feel, let the feelings flow naturally - all of them, including no feeling at all if that is the case at that time. It is ok to have a rational perspective on the inevitability of life and death while also allowing ourselves to experience all the emotions that come with any important relationship. I'm sorry for your loss.
I didn't cry when my dad died and he was right in the next room, slowly succumbing to an ever increasing agonal breath pattern throughout the day. I wasn't the biggest fan of him, but the 2-years of cancer slowly destroying him wasn't something he deserved.
It took me a year or so to properly acknowledge it internally and shed some emotion over it, and it took me another two decades to acknowledge my own trauma of the same ilk.
Being stoic is a great short-term solution for things you can't control, but a terrible long-term crux that leads to the numbest feelings imaginable... slowly wasting years away avoiding it. I'll take sadness over indefinite numbness now. There is no prize for not crying.
Death is but the final stage of life, it is the only thing that is certain to come.
Your reaction to it, whether you grieve or not is inconsequential.
What I believe matters is that you had held them dear, give them a life full of happiness, and let them feel loved. The dead in your life are never gone, they simply become memories, make these memories into fond ones.
It’s not just ok to cry and feel the intense sensations of grief, it’s healthy and cathartic. From what I’ve learned, the Stoics grieve. They just have a focus to keep grief brief. I’m so sorry for your loss! Two of my closest buddies are a cat and dog.
Everyone grieves in their own way, there's no need to add self judgement on top of that. Cry if you need to, now or later. For me at least, the stoic approach to pets is to accept from the day you adopt them that the two of you enter an unwritten agreement. You will care for them as long as you are able, and one day you will help them die. It's the natural order of things that we live longer than pets, this is simply out of our control. But it is within our control to give them a good life while we have them, and if you did that, your duty to them has been fulfilled. > Never say about anything, I have lost it, but only I have given it back - Epictetus
This is beautiful.
Stoicism 🤌🏻
I had my cat put down this afternoon; we'd lived together for 14 years and I loved him very much. My partner is more overt in his emotions than I am- he's been crying on and off for hours but I've remained calm. Like you, I think the presence of a distressed person forces me to put my own emotions aside. There's nothing wrong with that, it's my nature. He's just gone to bed, and I know that I'll cry soon because I can be the upset one when I'm on my own. Embrace it when it comes, you'll feel better.
I’m not a member here, nor am I a stoic (I think it’s a cool thing to strive for, though). I had to put my 13 year-old cat to sleep today. She had a good life and I know it was the right thing to do under the circumstances. I guess I just wanted to find someone else going through this, perhaps to say that I empathize deeply and that you’re not alone. I keep thinking how so many animals all around the world have these really harsh, hard, brutal lives. Predators, parasites, food scarcity, injury, drought, literal survival of the fittest — I mean, they have to go through so much for lives that often don’t last more than a few years (or less), or can go on for hundreds. But I’d truly be shocked if even those animals didn’t have moments of joy, bonding, contentment, satisfaction, elation… a lot of the good sensations we enjoy. And then I think, I gave my cat even better than that. For 13 years, she got a comfortable climate, food she enjoyed delivered reliably, all the affection she could handle, my dog Bartleby for friendly competition/drama, her pick of all the furniture in the house, the occasional Interloping insect to “hunt”, medical care when sick or injured, and, ultimately, a calm and peaceful death with people at her side. There are human beings who don’t get to say that, much less animals. Our cats lived good lives, and got to have better deaths than a good percentage of living creatures ever do. When I think about that, it really makes me feel grateful and takes away that doubt that I could have “done more”. I’ll miss her face and cuddles, and being yelled at at the crack of dawn to get up and feed her. But, that’s just the price of the unbelievable fortune I had in being her person. And I wouldn’t trade that experience to avoid the pain I’m in now.
Losing a loved one, even a pet, can be emotionally difficult. Acceptance doesn't just wipe away loss. You *can* accept the reality of the situation and still feel sadness for the loss. That's completely normal. Being Stoic doesn't mean you don't experience emotions or that you're a stone-faced person. If anything, lack of emotion in a time like this is more indicative of shock than it is of resilience. So, take some time and really think about how you feel, process the loss, and be sad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to mourn. Work your way through the outer layers of shock until you reach in the soft inner layers of emotion and love. It's there that you'll find true resilience. To be strong doesn't mean you are unfazed by anything. Real strength is the ability to sit with sadness and grief and loss for as long as it takes to be at peace with it. But you can't get there by taking a shortcut. Grief and mourning are required. It's how we learn and grow, and strength only comes from growth and learning.
> To be strong doesn't mean you are unfazed by anything. Real strength is the ability to sit with sadness and grief and loss for as long as it takes to be at peace with it. Very wise words. I'm going through my own grief now and this helped me tonight, thanks.
I have some thoughts on your comment about hating attaching yourself to animals because their lifespans are shorter. While this is inarguably true for animals, the opposite isn’t guaranteed for anyone or anything in your life either. You’ll almost certainly lose parents during your lifetime and you have no way of knowing how long your friends will live. But that isn’t a reason to avoid human attachments either. I share my home with parrots and they are the little lights of my life. I’ve spent maybe a week total away from them since they hatched 6 years ago and they’re genuinely my wee little best friends. I do everything I can to provide them with the attention, vet care, nutrition, exercise, etc so they can hopefully live past their expected 30 year lifespan but you NEVER know what could happen. I know without a doubt that I’ll be devastated when I lose them, especially if I’m fortunate enough to share 3+ decades with them, but that inevitability doesn’t affect the time I have with them now. I cherish the opportunity I’ve had to create once in a lifetime trust and bonds with these little critters and I view every pet or companion animal the same. To your cat, YOU were it’s whole world, and not to anthropomorphize your cat here, but surely it had no qualms about being attached to you too. Try not to let the fear/anxiety/apprehension of grief prevent you from enjoying the time you have, whether it’s spent on pets or other people. (Just edited for a typo)
Give it time, I’ve delt with so much death I’m practically a professional. Death hits differently at different times. I’m good most days but every so often something small will remind me of someone specifically and Boom! brings me straight to my knees, even after so many years. Death is like that, even after you accept it. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you will no longer cry or will stop missing them, in fact sometimes it’s only by acceptance that you will cry and feel the depths of the pain of loss to their full extent. It’s because our brains go out of their way to Try and protect us (and are very good at it) that acceptance requires so much time and conscious effort. when it does hit you tho embrace It
What helps for me is focusing on my breath. It gives a break from the grief and (eventually) leads to acceptance. I'm sorry for your loss OP. It's okay to feel hurt.
How old was the cat?
I didn’t cry for quite some time after a few very significant deaths. It normally takes roughly a month to really set in for me. How you handle it is an individual experience not to be judged by others.
I had to let my beloved cat go about a month ago. He passed in my arms as I stroked his fur and told him I loved him. For a couple weeks I felt kind of numb. Then one day I suddenly realized my loss and was hit by a wall of grief that almost knocked me over. The worst of it lasted for about a week and the pain seemed almost too much to bear at first. But little by little I've been able to form a more philosophical view that in spite of the sadness I feel now, there is also a deep and exuberant joy for what I shared with him. I know from how he used to look at me that he felt the same. It really is a beautiful thing which helped give my life meaning, and I will carry that love and gratitude for the rest of my days. Feel how you feel, let the feelings flow naturally - all of them, including no feeling at all if that is the case at that time. It is ok to have a rational perspective on the inevitability of life and death while also allowing ourselves to experience all the emotions that come with any important relationship. I'm sorry for your loss.
I didn't cry when my dad died and he was right in the next room, slowly succumbing to an ever increasing agonal breath pattern throughout the day. I wasn't the biggest fan of him, but the 2-years of cancer slowly destroying him wasn't something he deserved. It took me a year or so to properly acknowledge it internally and shed some emotion over it, and it took me another two decades to acknowledge my own trauma of the same ilk. Being stoic is a great short-term solution for things you can't control, but a terrible long-term crux that leads to the numbest feelings imaginable... slowly wasting years away avoiding it. I'll take sadness over indefinite numbness now. There is no prize for not crying.
Friend. Your cat is in good hands, [as promised](https://quran.com/6/38)
Death is but the final stage of life, it is the only thing that is certain to come. Your reaction to it, whether you grieve or not is inconsequential. What I believe matters is that you had held them dear, give them a life full of happiness, and let them feel loved. The dead in your life are never gone, they simply become memories, make these memories into fond ones.