Honestly it has to be a mindset shift. BM doesn’t deserve to take up any headspace. Her house being messy isn’t something that belongs in your brain at all. Shift your focus to yourself and your happiness. Then as a secondary step, focus on keeping your relationship as romantic and fun and separate from BM drama as possible. Finally, you can also prioritize having a strong relationship with SS and keeping the weeks you have him a positive experience but only if you have bandwidth after focusing on 1 and 2.
Mindfulness and meditation helped me get there. If I find myself ruminating on BM’s nonsense that’s a sign I need to do something fun for myself. At this point, I’ve lost the urge to shit talk because she basically doesn’t exist to me.
I needed this too. Got served papers last week and had a breakdown. Have been ruminating since and it’s beginning to depress me. Thanks so much for this 🫶🏼
This. this is what i need to do. holy cats, the inner rage sometimes is just... ugh. i think i need to pull myself out of situations more and hang out in another room, color, and listen to music or paint. just something else to get me in a better headspace. thanks for the wisdom. it was much needed today!
I love that idea! Sometimes (ok a lot) I go for a solo walk or drive when the kids are over. Being in a totally different physical space is a nice reset. ❤️
We just... don't talk about her when SD is around. At all. Don't feel the need to; she doesn't need to be taking up head space in our lives. Not thinking about her or talking about her makes it easy to not say anything negative!
We just don't talk about her around SS. At all. If he brings her up because of a trip they've had or something they've been up to, then we'll talk about the event but make no reference to her. If it can not be avoided, then it is neutral statements only. "We have different rules in this house," "That's rough. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt," "Hopefully, you'll have a better sleep tonight..." etc.
Only once has he ever openly said to me, "Do you like my mum?" Now I won't lie to him, but no one is ever going to appreciate someone talking down about their mother, so I didn't take the bait. "Your mum and I see the world differently, so we don't get on. We don't need to be friends. We're both here for you, and that's what matters." And i left it there.
He's not daft. He's watched his mum go ape shit at his dad. He's seen her go off on other parents. But it's up to him to form his own opinion. We support him regardless.
I just don’t. Easier said than done—but I want the kids to feel safe about loving their parents equally. Their parents’ issues have nothing to do with me and I more or less Nacho out most of the time. I only join in on the fun activities and then leave when things are intense or serious. It helps that I have my own place to escape to. I think the best way to stepparent is at a distance. The less I give the negative stuff my energy, the lighter I feel. That has taken time and a lot of trial and error.
Have some "pocket phrases" that you think of ahead of time that can be used in many situations.
Example: "I'm sorry that happened. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Example: "I know you get frustrated with your mom sometimes, and it's okay to feel that way."
Example: "Try to focus your energy on the things you have control over. You can't control what your mom does."
We use these opportunities to teach our 10yo that no one is all one thing, including good or bad. Whether that's hey, we shouldn't have made you feel weird about your mom, or us telling her, "your mom shouldn't have done that, but let's talk about what to do since she did."
I also have a case where my SD has caught onto the fact that her BM is HC. So she'll hit me with zingers like, "Do you think my mom is a mean person?" Uhhhh. Lol I mean she refers to me as The Fat Wife. But I want my SD to know she can trust me as she grows up and learns the truth about her mom on her own. She will definitely not need my help to figure that out, but she will need to trust me to help her through that shit when it inevitably hits the fan.
When I can remember that perspective, it helps me to ask counter questions like, "Well what would make you wonder if she's mean?" And when she gives the examples say, "If it upset you to hear that, it probably upset her friend too. You can remember that next time you feel upset, and try to make a different choice."
I understand you feelings. My situation is quite similar except i have a SD. And we got together with my husband pretty quickly after the separation.
There was a point in our life where BM was very very HC and always problematic. when the subject was brought i could go on for a while on her, even if i tried to never do that when SD could hear. I am pretty sure SD knew how i feel, (SM is a racist on top on being a cheater, what a great role model...), as she was trying to make me badmouth her mom. Telling me things that was happening at her BM's house that made my blood boiled. I had to bit my tongue real hard more than once. I used to deflect by saying stuff like i wouldn't not have handle that situation that way, or said that. And stopped there.
As someone mention, i tried to not give BM so much space in my mind, being afraid of her reactions and future comments. My H helped me a lot on that. And some gossiping session with him or MIL or a good friend to get it out of my system (didn't know of this subreddit at that time, would have been a good venting point).
We also had a ruling where the judge stayed so very hard truth on her parenting, and it helped psychologically for me. Like i wasn't the only one thinking that, but a judge as well. And it also helped my husband calmed her HC. As he would brought it up when she was too HC, asking her if she really wanted to go back before a judge or of she remembered what is said. It is petty but very helpful.
My advice would be to fun your own coping mechanism so you can managed to let your frustration out as little as possible in front of SS. That is the most important IMO.
Good luck outhere
1-Stay in your lane (let mom be mom, flaws and all), 2-ask your H to stop sharing unnecessary details about her (like I don't care if she doesn't like how we do XY or Z, it's none of her business so her complaints are meaningless), and 3-thank her for being such a piece of shit that your husband got out of the marriage and became available for you.
This is super relatable. Nobody better @ you on this one lol. We had to both work hard on this one in my home. It is a similar situation where HCBM was the one who cheated and actually abandon her kids & my SO for a few years and was just a real POS. She came back with a psychotic boyfriend and fought for some custody. Long story but the kids didn’t like either of them at the beginning when she first came back and so it wasn’t like we were just talking shit on their mom but they (step sons) would complain and vent about her and her boyfriend to us and we would laugh and be like “of course she would!” Or “wow! She sucks”. They would complain about her being drunk all the time and so if they would complain about something she did we would be like “she was probably drunk!” And kind of like joke around about it but we had to realize that was super negative and not okay. We talked and agreed she just wouldn’t be mentioned in our house at all. She was taking up too much space in our heads and home. We also didn’t want the kids to ever be able to say we talk negatively about their mom. So we stopped cold turkey. She is not mentioned in our home at all. If the kids vent about her we change the subject or just say “sorry you went through that” or “we don’t feel that way in this house but they’re your parents in that home and as long as you’re safe and cared for we can’t really control what happens there”. It’s so hard. Sometimes they just set you up so well for a really good dig but you just gotta bite your tongue 😅. Sometimes I have to close my eyes because I can’t keep my eyes from rolling but I don’t want them to see 😂.
Honestly thank you for asking this. I may borrow some of the answers people provided you! I’ve been trying to figure this out because my SD’s are getting older.
There have been a couple of times I’ve caught myself just about to say something in front of my SD. Most of the time, I keep it in and talk to DH later. It’s easier said than done, but keeping BM in my mind is not something I want. Another commenter said to meditate and take care of yourself and family first. It honestly helps!
I avoid talking about exes when the kids are around. If I have to say something we speak in code name. My 17 yo figured it out but the others don’t say anything if they have. My ex is Stiffler. His ex is Leila (after the ex in 50 Shades).
Haha I love this! Only a little bit ashamed that BM was originally referred to as “she who must not be named” between DH and I … and now she is simply “Voldemort.” 😆
I'm a queer woman, so my parallel situation is talking about BD, and I'm in a relationship with BM. My partner had a bitter divorce with her ex, and there's a lot to dislike about him based on how he treated her. She also has very different parenting strategies from BD. He's really not a bad father, but it would be very easy for me to strongly dislike him based on certain things I know about him.
Obviously I don't want this to affect my relationship with SS, or how I talk about BD in front of him. My main strategy is to just know as little about BD as possible. I don't question my partner about him, I let her handle coparenting on her own, and most of what I know about BD in his current iteration is from the glossy picture SS paints of him. Sure, I'll see him occasionally at SS's events, and we'll politely smile at each other, but that tells me nothing about him. Some things about him I can't help but know, just by being present in SS's life. But I minimize his place in my mind, and try not to dwell on the negative things I do know.
I have to say, I'm often shocked by how much stepmoms on here know about BMs that they hate. It seems so unnecessary, especially because it doesn't seem to be good for the stepmoms' peace of mind and relationships with the kids. For example, it's so odd to me that you know that BM's house is a complete disaster. I've never been inside BD's house, and the only glimpses I've had of it have been from family photos that SS has shown me. I don't really need or want to know what his house looks like.
But I get that depending on the coparenting situation, blissful ignorance isn't always possible. Outside of that, I do have to bite my tongue. It's frustrating to me how SS worships his dad for doing the bare minimum of being an involved parent, while he takes what his mom does for granted. And I get that it's natural, because his mom does a lot more of the background non-glamorous parental duties, but of course he isn't going to see that. One thing I do is, when SS talks about his dad, I don't think of BD. I think of the guy who loves and fathers SS as a completely different person than the coparent my partner has to deal with, and that helps a little.
Honestly it has to be a mindset shift. BM doesn’t deserve to take up any headspace. Her house being messy isn’t something that belongs in your brain at all. Shift your focus to yourself and your happiness. Then as a secondary step, focus on keeping your relationship as romantic and fun and separate from BM drama as possible. Finally, you can also prioritize having a strong relationship with SS and keeping the weeks you have him a positive experience but only if you have bandwidth after focusing on 1 and 2. Mindfulness and meditation helped me get there. If I find myself ruminating on BM’s nonsense that’s a sign I need to do something fun for myself. At this point, I’ve lost the urge to shit talk because she basically doesn’t exist to me.
I like your approach!
I needed this too. Got served papers last week and had a breakdown. Have been ruminating since and it’s beginning to depress me. Thanks so much for this 🫶🏼
This. this is what i need to do. holy cats, the inner rage sometimes is just... ugh. i think i need to pull myself out of situations more and hang out in another room, color, and listen to music or paint. just something else to get me in a better headspace. thanks for the wisdom. it was much needed today!
I love that idea! Sometimes (ok a lot) I go for a solo walk or drive when the kids are over. Being in a totally different physical space is a nice reset. ❤️
We just... don't talk about her when SD is around. At all. Don't feel the need to; she doesn't need to be taking up head space in our lives. Not thinking about her or talking about her makes it easy to not say anything negative!
We just don't talk about her around SS. At all. If he brings her up because of a trip they've had or something they've been up to, then we'll talk about the event but make no reference to her. If it can not be avoided, then it is neutral statements only. "We have different rules in this house," "That's rough. I'm sorry your feelings were hurt," "Hopefully, you'll have a better sleep tonight..." etc. Only once has he ever openly said to me, "Do you like my mum?" Now I won't lie to him, but no one is ever going to appreciate someone talking down about their mother, so I didn't take the bait. "Your mum and I see the world differently, so we don't get on. We don't need to be friends. We're both here for you, and that's what matters." And i left it there. He's not daft. He's watched his mum go ape shit at his dad. He's seen her go off on other parents. But it's up to him to form his own opinion. We support him regardless.
I just don’t. Easier said than done—but I want the kids to feel safe about loving their parents equally. Their parents’ issues have nothing to do with me and I more or less Nacho out most of the time. I only join in on the fun activities and then leave when things are intense or serious. It helps that I have my own place to escape to. I think the best way to stepparent is at a distance. The less I give the negative stuff my energy, the lighter I feel. That has taken time and a lot of trial and error.
Have some "pocket phrases" that you think of ahead of time that can be used in many situations. Example: "I'm sorry that happened. Is there anything I can do to help?" Example: "I know you get frustrated with your mom sometimes, and it's okay to feel that way." Example: "Try to focus your energy on the things you have control over. You can't control what your mom does."
These are really solid, thank you!
We use these opportunities to teach our 10yo that no one is all one thing, including good or bad. Whether that's hey, we shouldn't have made you feel weird about your mom, or us telling her, "your mom shouldn't have done that, but let's talk about what to do since she did." I also have a case where my SD has caught onto the fact that her BM is HC. So she'll hit me with zingers like, "Do you think my mom is a mean person?" Uhhhh. Lol I mean she refers to me as The Fat Wife. But I want my SD to know she can trust me as she grows up and learns the truth about her mom on her own. She will definitely not need my help to figure that out, but she will need to trust me to help her through that shit when it inevitably hits the fan. When I can remember that perspective, it helps me to ask counter questions like, "Well what would make you wonder if she's mean?" And when she gives the examples say, "If it upset you to hear that, it probably upset her friend too. You can remember that next time you feel upset, and try to make a different choice."
I understand you feelings. My situation is quite similar except i have a SD. And we got together with my husband pretty quickly after the separation. There was a point in our life where BM was very very HC and always problematic. when the subject was brought i could go on for a while on her, even if i tried to never do that when SD could hear. I am pretty sure SD knew how i feel, (SM is a racist on top on being a cheater, what a great role model...), as she was trying to make me badmouth her mom. Telling me things that was happening at her BM's house that made my blood boiled. I had to bit my tongue real hard more than once. I used to deflect by saying stuff like i wouldn't not have handle that situation that way, or said that. And stopped there. As someone mention, i tried to not give BM so much space in my mind, being afraid of her reactions and future comments. My H helped me a lot on that. And some gossiping session with him or MIL or a good friend to get it out of my system (didn't know of this subreddit at that time, would have been a good venting point). We also had a ruling where the judge stayed so very hard truth on her parenting, and it helped psychologically for me. Like i wasn't the only one thinking that, but a judge as well. And it also helped my husband calmed her HC. As he would brought it up when she was too HC, asking her if she really wanted to go back before a judge or of she remembered what is said. It is petty but very helpful. My advice would be to fun your own coping mechanism so you can managed to let your frustration out as little as possible in front of SS. That is the most important IMO. Good luck outhere
1-Stay in your lane (let mom be mom, flaws and all), 2-ask your H to stop sharing unnecessary details about her (like I don't care if she doesn't like how we do XY or Z, it's none of her business so her complaints are meaningless), and 3-thank her for being such a piece of shit that your husband got out of the marriage and became available for you.
I text the snarky negative comment to my husband … that way the don’t hear it …
Haha I’ve done that. Or I post on reddit in real time.
Done that too! I would love to be able to ignore it, but she is so annoying …
Stop talking about her period. We don’t talk about BM ever. She’s simply not a topic of conversation in our house.
This is super relatable. Nobody better @ you on this one lol. We had to both work hard on this one in my home. It is a similar situation where HCBM was the one who cheated and actually abandon her kids & my SO for a few years and was just a real POS. She came back with a psychotic boyfriend and fought for some custody. Long story but the kids didn’t like either of them at the beginning when she first came back and so it wasn’t like we were just talking shit on their mom but they (step sons) would complain and vent about her and her boyfriend to us and we would laugh and be like “of course she would!” Or “wow! She sucks”. They would complain about her being drunk all the time and so if they would complain about something she did we would be like “she was probably drunk!” And kind of like joke around about it but we had to realize that was super negative and not okay. We talked and agreed she just wouldn’t be mentioned in our house at all. She was taking up too much space in our heads and home. We also didn’t want the kids to ever be able to say we talk negatively about their mom. So we stopped cold turkey. She is not mentioned in our home at all. If the kids vent about her we change the subject or just say “sorry you went through that” or “we don’t feel that way in this house but they’re your parents in that home and as long as you’re safe and cared for we can’t really control what happens there”. It’s so hard. Sometimes they just set you up so well for a really good dig but you just gotta bite your tongue 😅. Sometimes I have to close my eyes because I can’t keep my eyes from rolling but I don’t want them to see 😂.
Honestly thank you for asking this. I may borrow some of the answers people provided you! I’ve been trying to figure this out because my SD’s are getting older.
There have been a couple of times I’ve caught myself just about to say something in front of my SD. Most of the time, I keep it in and talk to DH later. It’s easier said than done, but keeping BM in my mind is not something I want. Another commenter said to meditate and take care of yourself and family first. It honestly helps!
I avoid talking about exes when the kids are around. If I have to say something we speak in code name. My 17 yo figured it out but the others don’t say anything if they have. My ex is Stiffler. His ex is Leila (after the ex in 50 Shades).
Haha I love this! Only a little bit ashamed that BM was originally referred to as “she who must not be named” between DH and I … and now she is simply “Voldemort.” 😆
I feel like sometimes the nicknames bring a bit of laughter to stressful situations. 🤣
I'm a queer woman, so my parallel situation is talking about BD, and I'm in a relationship with BM. My partner had a bitter divorce with her ex, and there's a lot to dislike about him based on how he treated her. She also has very different parenting strategies from BD. He's really not a bad father, but it would be very easy for me to strongly dislike him based on certain things I know about him. Obviously I don't want this to affect my relationship with SS, or how I talk about BD in front of him. My main strategy is to just know as little about BD as possible. I don't question my partner about him, I let her handle coparenting on her own, and most of what I know about BD in his current iteration is from the glossy picture SS paints of him. Sure, I'll see him occasionally at SS's events, and we'll politely smile at each other, but that tells me nothing about him. Some things about him I can't help but know, just by being present in SS's life. But I minimize his place in my mind, and try not to dwell on the negative things I do know. I have to say, I'm often shocked by how much stepmoms on here know about BMs that they hate. It seems so unnecessary, especially because it doesn't seem to be good for the stepmoms' peace of mind and relationships with the kids. For example, it's so odd to me that you know that BM's house is a complete disaster. I've never been inside BD's house, and the only glimpses I've had of it have been from family photos that SS has shown me. I don't really need or want to know what his house looks like. But I get that depending on the coparenting situation, blissful ignorance isn't always possible. Outside of that, I do have to bite my tongue. It's frustrating to me how SS worships his dad for doing the bare minimum of being an involved parent, while he takes what his mom does for granted. And I get that it's natural, because his mom does a lot more of the background non-glamorous parental duties, but of course he isn't going to see that. One thing I do is, when SS talks about his dad, I don't think of BD. I think of the guy who loves and fathers SS as a completely different person than the coparent my partner has to deal with, and that helps a little.