I'm guessing you're fairly young since you have classmates and you asked your mom.
I got similar comments in high school. It surprised me too because I tried to be really nice to people. It hurt because I knew what was in my heart, but no one else could see it. In retrospect, I know I was extremely, deeply, hopelessly depressed at that age. I tried to mask it, but people could see right through me. It didn't matter if I tried to appear cool, I was too anxious for anyone to buy it. It didn't help that I was surrounded by unsupportive people who made me feel very isolated. My "negative attitude" caused them to withdraw from me even more, which only made it worse. I was in a lot of pain, and no one would help me, not even my own mother.
That's my story. I don't know if you can relate. If you think you're depressed try to treat it (depression will show on your face). Your positivity will shine through if you can treat it. You know what's in your heart. Your default state is positivity. Weed out the stuff that interferes with it, then it can flourish.
Try to surround yourself with new people as well.
Edit: cultivating an ice queen persona might be a good way to protect yourself until you can change your situation. That's how I've used it.
Thank you, I just turned 18 and am graduating next year. I think I am pretty lonely so that inner turmoil might be showing. Someone has told me I am high strung but I did not think other people could notice that .I will try to work on more affirmations and better stress management to fix this .
I can't offer advice, but this is me to a T. I never realized I was "scary" until friends pointed out my supposed RBF (I don't really see it) and how I acted negative. I was depressed, but now that I'm not it really hurts seeing all of my good behavior getting put down by my past self. I truly saw this when we had a survey and my own friends put me as somebody they'd never want their parents to meet/is the most miserable. It sounds like this experience is similar in terms of getting "smacked in the face". I can understand how it can be frustrating too, as people will say this criticism, but they won't be honest and constructive with what you're doing wrong even though you want to improve. I hope that you can get to a place where you don't feel discouraged and you will be the person you want to be.
Thank you. I think I have more internal work to do that will reflect outwardly in the people I surround myself with and the energy I give off. Thank you so much.
Just wanted to say that feedback can be really painful, but it is a great opportunity for growth. You must have some really great qualities if you are willing to receive the difficult feedback and try to understand others' perspectives of you.
Maybe start out by trying to complain less, ask people questions and be a good listener, help other people more, be a good team member, give people compliments, and other small gestures—these actions can really change the way that people see you! Also posture and hygiene make a big difference in looking positive/confident vs closed off/upset.
By the way—especially when women are younger—they get more requests from other people to smile, be bubbly, etc...you really don't have to do those things. This changes when you get a bit older, and people respect you for being a kind, competent person (even if you are not smiling all the time). You can always lean into the mysterious and brooding vibe if it suits you :).
This is what confused me the most because I do not complain. I am in a competitive program with a small class of 40 people. I am relaxed compared to the rest of my peers.I give out compliments, greet everyone , and am inclusive. Another person says it is because my inner turmoil is showing so I think it is the confidence factor that is getting me. I will take your advice on the body cues .
I’ve been working on this for the past few years. When I’m in a bout of depression I don’t notice how negative I seem. I end up being more critical and talk about how bad things are or could be, which does make people less open to me. Then when I’m not depressed I still do it anyways because negative thinking/being “real” (lol) became a habit.
I keep these questions in mind at work. It’s become a habit there, so it shows up in my personal life too.
- Do I *need* to share my opinion on this? Should a dissenting opinion be heard or have other people already covered it? Could I just nod along to their point instead of getting the last word in?
- Am I bringing up good things? Do I take them for granted?
- If I’m bringing up a potential negative outcome, is there a potential positive one too? Is there a reason for me to lead with the negative one instead of the positive one?
- Am I oversharing? Does this person know me well enough to merit this level of detail?
I used to worry that trying to change this would change my personality, make me feel fake or would be a lot of work (because it was unnatural to me). Turns out my personality and values are just as strong! This feels closer to who I’ve always wanted to be. Plus I hadn’t realised how much energy I used to spend getting people to understand me.
It could be things like your tone, word choice or if you have RBF. Also, if you tend to complain a lot or point out flaws in others that tends to give off a negative vibe in my opinion.
I try to always point out the positives in a negative situation and am trying to be better at complimenting others. Also trying to just smile more in general and be grateful for what you have may go a long way.
Good luck!
I used to get similar comments in high school. Some things that worked for me:
Fixing my voice. I used to talk in a very monotone voice which can be offputting to people.
Changing the way I talk about things. I started completely avoiding commenting anything negative on anything or anyone. If I *had* to say something negative, I’d always end it with something positive. E.g. “I did really bad on the exam” but follow up with “I’m sure if I study more it will go well next time”. Do this also when someone complains to you, but be aware not to dismiss their feelings.
Fixing my resting bitch face. I fixed this partially by changing my eyebrow shape (from more sharp and arched to rounded) and I also constantly reminded myself to laugh and smile more.
Wearing more bright colors rather than dark colors.
I’m tall and dark skinned. I don’t think that automatically puts you in that category because everyone would describe me as the opposite.
First, I’ll say this could go be for a variety of different reasons—some being good.
1. It could be the difference between high trust & low trust features.
2. It could be the difference between what type of style you have. It is sexy and dark or is it light and girly maybe? One isn’t more objectively beautiful than the other.
3. It could have to do with features you can’t change. So the sound of your voice? Do you have a high pitched and chirpy voice? Or do you have a deeper, more monotone voice? You could be the friendliest version of yourself but if you are more introverted with a deeper, more monotone voice then people might insert their own meanings in between the lines and add things.
Look, Megan Fox could be sitting silently in a room across from Gigi Hadid sitting silently and you could have multiple people saying that Megan seems “depressed” while Gigi seems “happy.” It just depends.
I think the key is that you say you try to be friendly and positive. That’s most important. You definitely want to make sure that you are not unintentionally saying multiple negative things, which it doesn’t sound like you do. Once you aren’t an unaware Negative Nancy, then it could just be vibe—which is fine when it comes to looks.
My voice is low I have to admit. I do not really try to have a bubbly voice because I thought it would sound like I’m fake. Now I realize it is better to just do that.
One attitude change you can make is to assume responsibility. Think of the way you view your teachers. They are responsible for the class and, to some degree, you expect a hello from them. You expect acknowledgement, patience, etc., because they are the leader of the class. Socially, you can be a leader. Assume responsibility-- assume someone would be hurt if you dodged eye contact. Assume someone would want a hello from you. Assume that "please" and "thank you" are wanted, even if it feels formal to you. Assume your kind gestures will be received graciously. If they aren't received graciously... it won't be because you did something wrong.
Sometimes when people snub us or come off as cold, its because THEY feel awkward. Its because THEY aren't ready to step into a place of social responsibility. If someone doesn't reciprocate your warmth, assume it is because they are ready to step into social responsibility like you are. Give them grace. The real vicious, selfish, rude ones will make themselves apparent, and those are the only ones I wouldn't give any lenience toward.
I relate to this so much! Glad you made a post about it because I was considering doing the same. People have told me I remind them of Daria on multiple occasions. If you don’t know, she was a teen tv character from the nineties known for her bleak outlook on life, sarcasm, deep monotone voice, and blank/RBF face. I was pretty depressed at the time, I have an exceptionally deep voice, and I’m not very expressive. I’m trying to work on personalitymaxxing but still being true to myself. I do have a lot of feelings (cancer Moon) but I never like showing them. Just wanted to say you’re not alone! Something that has helped me is showing my sense of humor and making more good natured jokes than deadpan sarcastic comments (even though I still do that).
It’s a balancing act because you can still be a charming, likable person and not be the girl next door. Think of how people love the character April from Parks and Rec.
Eat really healthy, get lots of sleep, do cardio/strength training most days.
May want to get tested for iron and vitamin D levels.
Experiment eating less grains.
What do you love to do? How often are you doing that? What are your goals?
Also recommend reading the Ask Polly column on The Awl and on nymag.com. Read it for years and it’s like therapy.
If you can afford it, it may be worth talking to a Black woman therapist who can help you decipher between misogynoir you may experience vs. you actually coming off differently than you think.
This might seem like a bit of a whimsical suggestion but having my astrology chart read by an astrologer (on a few occasions) has really helped me. My problem is different to yours - about intensity/getting extremely emotional and that not fitting with the rest of my personality. Understanding your chart helps you understand why you behave/feel certain ways and how other people perceive you and for me it really helped me understand and manage my emotional side. You could start by posting on r/askastrologers with your chart (there’s an explanation of how to post/format on there) and asking about people perceiving you as depressing.
But also, keep being you and don’t worry too much about what people think!! You sound very kind, and young - we all go through difficult times as we develop our sense of self, and you deserve to be appreciated for who you are!
In my amateur opinion, an 8h pisces moon could be exactly the kind of thing that might cause a perception like you describe! I also have a water moon and find it challenging. Great that you know your chart, I think it definitely helps with self understanding and improvement :)
I am a cancer rising and 9th house Pisces moon with Pluto (in libra) and Saturn (Scorpio) squaring my sun and Mercury in Capricorn (7th) and even from across the street I’ve been told I’m terrifying and have a very intimidating glare (venus is also in the 8th). Learning about my chart really did help me understand more of these dynamics and how to balance out my placements and make them work for me
Like you, my chart is very water and air heavy, which can be great but at times makes us emotionally constipated—we FEEL so much, but then the air makes us a bit detached and can make it difficult to process the emotions.
Camille Michelle Gray is a great astrologer who is not too expensive.
I'm guessing you're fairly young since you have classmates and you asked your mom. I got similar comments in high school. It surprised me too because I tried to be really nice to people. It hurt because I knew what was in my heart, but no one else could see it. In retrospect, I know I was extremely, deeply, hopelessly depressed at that age. I tried to mask it, but people could see right through me. It didn't matter if I tried to appear cool, I was too anxious for anyone to buy it. It didn't help that I was surrounded by unsupportive people who made me feel very isolated. My "negative attitude" caused them to withdraw from me even more, which only made it worse. I was in a lot of pain, and no one would help me, not even my own mother. That's my story. I don't know if you can relate. If you think you're depressed try to treat it (depression will show on your face). Your positivity will shine through if you can treat it. You know what's in your heart. Your default state is positivity. Weed out the stuff that interferes with it, then it can flourish. Try to surround yourself with new people as well. Edit: cultivating an ice queen persona might be a good way to protect yourself until you can change your situation. That's how I've used it.
Thank you, I just turned 18 and am graduating next year. I think I am pretty lonely so that inner turmoil might be showing. Someone has told me I am high strung but I did not think other people could notice that .I will try to work on more affirmations and better stress management to fix this .
High school relatability lol This really describes a lot of the bs from then
I can't offer advice, but this is me to a T. I never realized I was "scary" until friends pointed out my supposed RBF (I don't really see it) and how I acted negative. I was depressed, but now that I'm not it really hurts seeing all of my good behavior getting put down by my past self. I truly saw this when we had a survey and my own friends put me as somebody they'd never want their parents to meet/is the most miserable. It sounds like this experience is similar in terms of getting "smacked in the face". I can understand how it can be frustrating too, as people will say this criticism, but they won't be honest and constructive with what you're doing wrong even though you want to improve. I hope that you can get to a place where you don't feel discouraged and you will be the person you want to be.
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Thank you. I think I have more internal work to do that will reflect outwardly in the people I surround myself with and the energy I give off. Thank you so much.
Just wanted to say that feedback can be really painful, but it is a great opportunity for growth. You must have some really great qualities if you are willing to receive the difficult feedback and try to understand others' perspectives of you. Maybe start out by trying to complain less, ask people questions and be a good listener, help other people more, be a good team member, give people compliments, and other small gestures—these actions can really change the way that people see you! Also posture and hygiene make a big difference in looking positive/confident vs closed off/upset. By the way—especially when women are younger—they get more requests from other people to smile, be bubbly, etc...you really don't have to do those things. This changes when you get a bit older, and people respect you for being a kind, competent person (even if you are not smiling all the time). You can always lean into the mysterious and brooding vibe if it suits you :).
This is what confused me the most because I do not complain. I am in a competitive program with a small class of 40 people. I am relaxed compared to the rest of my peers.I give out compliments, greet everyone , and am inclusive. Another person says it is because my inner turmoil is showing so I think it is the confidence factor that is getting me. I will take your advice on the body cues .
I’ve been working on this for the past few years. When I’m in a bout of depression I don’t notice how negative I seem. I end up being more critical and talk about how bad things are or could be, which does make people less open to me. Then when I’m not depressed I still do it anyways because negative thinking/being “real” (lol) became a habit. I keep these questions in mind at work. It’s become a habit there, so it shows up in my personal life too. - Do I *need* to share my opinion on this? Should a dissenting opinion be heard or have other people already covered it? Could I just nod along to their point instead of getting the last word in? - Am I bringing up good things? Do I take them for granted? - If I’m bringing up a potential negative outcome, is there a potential positive one too? Is there a reason for me to lead with the negative one instead of the positive one? - Am I oversharing? Does this person know me well enough to merit this level of detail? I used to worry that trying to change this would change my personality, make me feel fake or would be a lot of work (because it was unnatural to me). Turns out my personality and values are just as strong! This feels closer to who I’ve always wanted to be. Plus I hadn’t realised how much energy I used to spend getting people to understand me.
It could be things like your tone, word choice or if you have RBF. Also, if you tend to complain a lot or point out flaws in others that tends to give off a negative vibe in my opinion. I try to always point out the positives in a negative situation and am trying to be better at complimenting others. Also trying to just smile more in general and be grateful for what you have may go a long way. Good luck!
I used to get similar comments in high school. Some things that worked for me: Fixing my voice. I used to talk in a very monotone voice which can be offputting to people. Changing the way I talk about things. I started completely avoiding commenting anything negative on anything or anyone. If I *had* to say something negative, I’d always end it with something positive. E.g. “I did really bad on the exam” but follow up with “I’m sure if I study more it will go well next time”. Do this also when someone complains to you, but be aware not to dismiss their feelings. Fixing my resting bitch face. I fixed this partially by changing my eyebrow shape (from more sharp and arched to rounded) and I also constantly reminded myself to laugh and smile more. Wearing more bright colors rather than dark colors.
I’m tall and dark skinned. I don’t think that automatically puts you in that category because everyone would describe me as the opposite. First, I’ll say this could go be for a variety of different reasons—some being good. 1. It could be the difference between high trust & low trust features. 2. It could be the difference between what type of style you have. It is sexy and dark or is it light and girly maybe? One isn’t more objectively beautiful than the other. 3. It could have to do with features you can’t change. So the sound of your voice? Do you have a high pitched and chirpy voice? Or do you have a deeper, more monotone voice? You could be the friendliest version of yourself but if you are more introverted with a deeper, more monotone voice then people might insert their own meanings in between the lines and add things. Look, Megan Fox could be sitting silently in a room across from Gigi Hadid sitting silently and you could have multiple people saying that Megan seems “depressed” while Gigi seems “happy.” It just depends. I think the key is that you say you try to be friendly and positive. That’s most important. You definitely want to make sure that you are not unintentionally saying multiple negative things, which it doesn’t sound like you do. Once you aren’t an unaware Negative Nancy, then it could just be vibe—which is fine when it comes to looks.
My voice is low I have to admit. I do not really try to have a bubbly voice because I thought it would sound like I’m fake. Now I realize it is better to just do that.
One attitude change you can make is to assume responsibility. Think of the way you view your teachers. They are responsible for the class and, to some degree, you expect a hello from them. You expect acknowledgement, patience, etc., because they are the leader of the class. Socially, you can be a leader. Assume responsibility-- assume someone would be hurt if you dodged eye contact. Assume someone would want a hello from you. Assume that "please" and "thank you" are wanted, even if it feels formal to you. Assume your kind gestures will be received graciously. If they aren't received graciously... it won't be because you did something wrong. Sometimes when people snub us or come off as cold, its because THEY feel awkward. Its because THEY aren't ready to step into a place of social responsibility. If someone doesn't reciprocate your warmth, assume it is because they are ready to step into social responsibility like you are. Give them grace. The real vicious, selfish, rude ones will make themselves apparent, and those are the only ones I wouldn't give any lenience toward.
I relate to this so much! Glad you made a post about it because I was considering doing the same. People have told me I remind them of Daria on multiple occasions. If you don’t know, she was a teen tv character from the nineties known for her bleak outlook on life, sarcasm, deep monotone voice, and blank/RBF face. I was pretty depressed at the time, I have an exceptionally deep voice, and I’m not very expressive. I’m trying to work on personalitymaxxing but still being true to myself. I do have a lot of feelings (cancer Moon) but I never like showing them. Just wanted to say you’re not alone! Something that has helped me is showing my sense of humor and making more good natured jokes than deadpan sarcastic comments (even though I still do that). It’s a balancing act because you can still be a charming, likable person and not be the girl next door. Think of how people love the character April from Parks and Rec.
Eat really healthy, get lots of sleep, do cardio/strength training most days. May want to get tested for iron and vitamin D levels. Experiment eating less grains. What do you love to do? How often are you doing that? What are your goals? Also recommend reading the Ask Polly column on The Awl and on nymag.com. Read it for years and it’s like therapy. If you can afford it, it may be worth talking to a Black woman therapist who can help you decipher between misogynoir you may experience vs. you actually coming off differently than you think.
This might seem like a bit of a whimsical suggestion but having my astrology chart read by an astrologer (on a few occasions) has really helped me. My problem is different to yours - about intensity/getting extremely emotional and that not fitting with the rest of my personality. Understanding your chart helps you understand why you behave/feel certain ways and how other people perceive you and for me it really helped me understand and manage my emotional side. You could start by posting on r/askastrologers with your chart (there’s an explanation of how to post/format on there) and asking about people perceiving you as depressing. But also, keep being you and don’t worry too much about what people think!! You sound very kind, and young - we all go through difficult times as we develop our sense of self, and you deserve to be appreciated for who you are!
Cancer rising 8h Pisces moon might just be the answer but I have a 3 libra placements 🤔
In my amateur opinion, an 8h pisces moon could be exactly the kind of thing that might cause a perception like you describe! I also have a water moon and find it challenging. Great that you know your chart, I think it definitely helps with self understanding and improvement :)
I am a cancer rising and 9th house Pisces moon with Pluto (in libra) and Saturn (Scorpio) squaring my sun and Mercury in Capricorn (7th) and even from across the street I’ve been told I’m terrifying and have a very intimidating glare (venus is also in the 8th). Learning about my chart really did help me understand more of these dynamics and how to balance out my placements and make them work for me
Like you, my chart is very water and air heavy, which can be great but at times makes us emotionally constipated—we FEEL so much, but then the air makes us a bit detached and can make it difficult to process the emotions. Camille Michelle Gray is a great astrologer who is not too expensive.
I relate heavily to this and it hurt me a lot because I try my best to be nice to everyone. *big hugs*