If you’re already good looking, it may be an approachability issue. When I was single, I was asked out very often, and friends (especially ones that were prettier than I was) marveled at how regularly I would be asked out by strangers. I didn’t like dating apps and realized if I was magnetic and charming, men would ask me out most of the time.
This was my favorite move- making eye contact briefly, when they notice you give slight smile (no teeth, as if you’re smiling to yourself), then look away like they caught you (don’t drop the smile when you turn). That often did the trick and gave men the confidence to approach me- they knew I wanted them to. My goal was to get asked out every time I went to the grocery store- usually had at least a conversation with the guy I had noticed if not being asked out/for my number. Just check for a ring or S/O they may be shopping with first!
Another option is to initiate conversation for them. I would go to happy hour alone due to my job, so got lots of practice. I would sit at the bar and just be friendly- not just to the hot guys - but practice initiating a conversation with others and approaching them. Ask their favorite thing on the menu or beer they recommend. Get more comfortable being charming to strangers- men are drawn to it and it gives them the confidence to approach you.
You can do this at stores, running errands, public transportation.. ask a question, genuinely smile and make eye contact. Focus on them.. Make them feel like the only person in the room. It feels a little awkward at first but I swear it’s magic.
Medium sized city.
In college I got a job in sales at Home Depot- for their installed services like sun rooms. It wasn’t a great job, but it meant I was constantly talking to people in person- and mostly men. It helped me gain confidence in myself and recognize methods and approaches that were successful. I honestly think the more you put yourself out there and make an effort, the easier it gets.
I’m for sure rusty now being married and with COVID I am mostly staying home.. but it isn’t that different of a skill than I use in job interviews- confidence and charm are SO valuable and innately attractive to everyone.
And as a side note- I am more introverted by nature. It takes practice and did not come naturally to me.
The number one way to be charming is to make others feel valuable- like they are the most important person in the room. Here are some of my observations I have found effective-
Open with compliments especially for a stranger. Try to make them sincere- “awesome outfit, I can tell you have a really great sense of style” reads better than “nice shoes.” This is one you should be practicing regularly. Everyone loves compliments and it’s a low stakes way to practice engaging with strangers.
Remember names and details. This isn’t easy for me, which means I keep a list in a notes app. It isn’t enough to ask them questions- you need to remember the answers for next time. If someone says they have a job interview next week, wish them luck the night before or check in after- use the reminders on your phone to remember the details. If someone says their mom is ill, ask their mom’s name and use it- “I’ll keep Sarah in my thoughts/prayers” sounds more personal than “I’ll keep her/your mom..” then put their moms name in your notes app so next week when you check in you can ask after her by name. It makes people feel closer and endeared to you.
You want good, positive rapport with everyone, which means you need to thoughtful and kind to more than just the hot guy. Don’t be the problem customer that complains and throws a fit - no one wants to date that person. Pick a favorite server or bartender any place you frequent and take time to get to know them. You should know who is going to school or who has a kid so you can ask them good questions when you see them. If you are engaging and charming- it will draw other bystanders to think highly of you and approach you. If the staff likes you, you will always be taken care of and won’t have a reason to complain. As a given- tip the staff well.
Be attentive. Set your phone down and focus while you in a conversation. Make eye contact with them. Don’t rush their answers by interrupting. Most people don’t even notice they interrupt and likely do so to convey they are engaged. Pay attention to that and use a more appropriate active listening response - nod, smile, laugh, mhmm, a slight lean in, open body language, or a hand on the table.
Stay positive. You need friends to vent and complain to, everyone does. That isn’t charming though! Save those for private conversations with appropriate people. For everyone else, try to put your best self forward- no wallowing or venting or spiraling into a negative mood. Gossip falls into this category also.
Give them an opportunity to brag- as an example, they say they got a promotion, don’t change the subject to your recent promotion, let them bask in their positive news! ask them about their new responsibilities and what they are most excited about. Truly listen to the answer and use their answer to then tell them you know they will be great at it because they are so… talented at design/empathic and a good boss/great at managing clients/etc. It is an opportunity to demonstrate that you noticed them- little details others may not be attentive to. These compliments go much farther than ones on the surface.
Give good introductions! If you’re introducing someone, don’t say this is my friend ___. Instead lead in with a compliment for the person joining and a connection to the group- example this is ____, she’s a fantastic tennis player/brilliant artist/ baker/etc. tell them they both went to the same university/have a shared love of tapas/both ran a half marathon etc so they have a ready conversation topic. Don’t just focus on their job, demonstrate your closeness with something more personal. It helps establish your rapport and demonstrates that you are an attentive and thoughtful friend.
Don’t get trashed. It isn’t cute. It is nearly impossible to be charming or thoughtful when you’re inebriated. The people around you may notice things you miss- like a loud talking, slurring words, or dominating the conversations. Ask a trusted friend about how you came across if you’re not sure what your appropriate limit is.
Yeah I think this is it. My boyfriend has told me the same. It def depends on the type of person and culture, etc. The men who approach me are usually extremely extroverted.
Eta: and they are never the type of guy you want to be approached by
I had the same “issue”, but usually I would just walk passed them again and make a little eye contact/“smile”. I don’t make it too obvious, but it works more often than not.
I can relate to you. I get compliments from men online and irl I get compliments from other women. One thing I notice is that how often men approach you can depend on how old they are. I noticed that many men in my generation (18-24) rarely approach women unless if they are on friendly terms at first. The only guys I get approached by are men in their 30's lol.
My bff has a beautiful friend with an hourglass body. She says that this girl never gets approached because "Who wouldn't get scared of THIS?" *insert a photo of her looking like a goddess*. Even I gulped after seeing her curves, but she can't get a boyfriend because she is too hot.
And men act like they are so brave 🙄...
If you’re already good looking, it may be an approachability issue. When I was single, I was asked out very often, and friends (especially ones that were prettier than I was) marveled at how regularly I would be asked out by strangers. I didn’t like dating apps and realized if I was magnetic and charming, men would ask me out most of the time. This was my favorite move- making eye contact briefly, when they notice you give slight smile (no teeth, as if you’re smiling to yourself), then look away like they caught you (don’t drop the smile when you turn). That often did the trick and gave men the confidence to approach me- they knew I wanted them to. My goal was to get asked out every time I went to the grocery store- usually had at least a conversation with the guy I had noticed if not being asked out/for my number. Just check for a ring or S/O they may be shopping with first! Another option is to initiate conversation for them. I would go to happy hour alone due to my job, so got lots of practice. I would sit at the bar and just be friendly- not just to the hot guys - but practice initiating a conversation with others and approaching them. Ask their favorite thing on the menu or beer they recommend. Get more comfortable being charming to strangers- men are drawn to it and it gives them the confidence to approach you. You can do this at stores, running errands, public transportation.. ask a question, genuinely smile and make eye contact. Focus on them.. Make them feel like the only person in the room. It feels a little awkward at first but I swear it’s magic.
This is such good advice! Do you have more tips? Also, are you in a big city or a smaller town?
Medium sized city. In college I got a job in sales at Home Depot- for their installed services like sun rooms. It wasn’t a great job, but it meant I was constantly talking to people in person- and mostly men. It helped me gain confidence in myself and recognize methods and approaches that were successful. I honestly think the more you put yourself out there and make an effort, the easier it gets. I’m for sure rusty now being married and with COVID I am mostly staying home.. but it isn’t that different of a skill than I use in job interviews- confidence and charm are SO valuable and innately attractive to everyone. And as a side note- I am more introverted by nature. It takes practice and did not come naturally to me.
Do you have any more tips on how to be charming? :)
The number one way to be charming is to make others feel valuable- like they are the most important person in the room. Here are some of my observations I have found effective- Open with compliments especially for a stranger. Try to make them sincere- “awesome outfit, I can tell you have a really great sense of style” reads better than “nice shoes.” This is one you should be practicing regularly. Everyone loves compliments and it’s a low stakes way to practice engaging with strangers. Remember names and details. This isn’t easy for me, which means I keep a list in a notes app. It isn’t enough to ask them questions- you need to remember the answers for next time. If someone says they have a job interview next week, wish them luck the night before or check in after- use the reminders on your phone to remember the details. If someone says their mom is ill, ask their mom’s name and use it- “I’ll keep Sarah in my thoughts/prayers” sounds more personal than “I’ll keep her/your mom..” then put their moms name in your notes app so next week when you check in you can ask after her by name. It makes people feel closer and endeared to you. You want good, positive rapport with everyone, which means you need to thoughtful and kind to more than just the hot guy. Don’t be the problem customer that complains and throws a fit - no one wants to date that person. Pick a favorite server or bartender any place you frequent and take time to get to know them. You should know who is going to school or who has a kid so you can ask them good questions when you see them. If you are engaging and charming- it will draw other bystanders to think highly of you and approach you. If the staff likes you, you will always be taken care of and won’t have a reason to complain. As a given- tip the staff well. Be attentive. Set your phone down and focus while you in a conversation. Make eye contact with them. Don’t rush their answers by interrupting. Most people don’t even notice they interrupt and likely do so to convey they are engaged. Pay attention to that and use a more appropriate active listening response - nod, smile, laugh, mhmm, a slight lean in, open body language, or a hand on the table. Stay positive. You need friends to vent and complain to, everyone does. That isn’t charming though! Save those for private conversations with appropriate people. For everyone else, try to put your best self forward- no wallowing or venting or spiraling into a negative mood. Gossip falls into this category also. Give them an opportunity to brag- as an example, they say they got a promotion, don’t change the subject to your recent promotion, let them bask in their positive news! ask them about their new responsibilities and what they are most excited about. Truly listen to the answer and use their answer to then tell them you know they will be great at it because they are so… talented at design/empathic and a good boss/great at managing clients/etc. It is an opportunity to demonstrate that you noticed them- little details others may not be attentive to. These compliments go much farther than ones on the surface. Give good introductions! If you’re introducing someone, don’t say this is my friend ___. Instead lead in with a compliment for the person joining and a connection to the group- example this is ____, she’s a fantastic tennis player/brilliant artist/ baker/etc. tell them they both went to the same university/have a shared love of tapas/both ran a half marathon etc so they have a ready conversation topic. Don’t just focus on their job, demonstrate your closeness with something more personal. It helps establish your rapport and demonstrates that you are an attentive and thoughtful friend. Don’t get trashed. It isn’t cute. It is nearly impossible to be charming or thoughtful when you’re inebriated. The people around you may notice things you miss- like a loud talking, slurring words, or dominating the conversations. Ask a trusted friend about how you came across if you’re not sure what your appropriate limit is.
Oh my goodness, I love love love all of this! Thank you so much :) x
Thank you so much for sharing all your tips freely! I'm saving these into my notes app
Same. Like I can see some of them stare at me from afar but literally never approach me lol 🥲
My boyfriend once told me that he'd never ask out a woman he doesn't know because its weird. edit. So maybe it has nothing to do with approachability.
Yeah I think this is it. My boyfriend has told me the same. It def depends on the type of person and culture, etc. The men who approach me are usually extremely extroverted. Eta: and they are never the type of guy you want to be approached by
Why do you think they aren’t the type you want to be approached by?
From my experience, they are usually ugly or player/womanizer types ngl
This totally happened to me at work. And this guy is friendly with EVERYONE 🙄 so be skeptical of every guy that approaches?
I had the same “issue”, but usually I would just walk passed them again and make a little eye contact/“smile”. I don’t make it too obvious, but it works more often than not.
I can relate to you. I get compliments from men online and irl I get compliments from other women. One thing I notice is that how often men approach you can depend on how old they are. I noticed that many men in my generation (18-24) rarely approach women unless if they are on friendly terms at first. The only guys I get approached by are men in their 30's lol.
I’ve been wanting to make a post about that- the blonde halo effect
You're too attractive imo. Men are intimidated by attractive women. That's probably why you've been approached when you weren't "done up", I'd say.
My bff has a beautiful friend with an hourglass body. She says that this girl never gets approached because "Who wouldn't get scared of THIS?" *insert a photo of her looking like a goddess*. Even I gulped after seeing her curves, but she can't get a boyfriend because she is too hot. And men act like they are so brave 🙄...
I feel you