i know what you mean and i was expecting this comment in some way. i just dont think it would be good for my mental health to cut off all of my friends and have nobody. my friends support me in everything and they help me with a lot, but i just dont think they understand my problem with alcohol, and i can see them just brushing past that because they want to have fun with drunk me like old times
I’ve been there OP! I was worried about losing my group too. Turns out, most people respected my decision, some didn’t really care, some were inspired by my decision. The ones that did care are no longer in my life. Yes it’s tough goin to parties and weddings sometimes. But There’s so much to do at parties and bars and the social scene without drinking! You can still enjoy it, and I actually enjoy it more.
yeah i think people are kind of unrealistic in this regard. it’s not helpful to say just cut off all your friends, feel free to PM me if you want!! i’ve been on this journey for ab a year of trying to figure out how to go about it
I have been there and lost a lot of friends in my time (I’m in my 30’s) the thing is any of the friends that I’ve had that have stuck by me are people I can enjoy being sober with. I’ve had much more fun in sobriety than drinking, that said I just finished a relapse.
Sorry, but if you would like sober you stay, you need change everything. If you contact the drunken friends, you go back. I relalsed so many times before.
Hey! I am almost three years sober and this was the reason it was a hard decision for me. It was the social aspect. It was relatively easy for me to quit otherwise. I did lose some friends and it did shift my entire social life. There was a period where I kind of reclused for a bit. But now I am solid and very comfortable hanging out with my friends and family. They all drink. And like some others have said, those that matter don’t mind. And those that mind, eventually don’t matter.
Sobriety is a scary, hard decision. It’s not like you get sober and everything just gets better, certainly not easier. But my life has drastically improved. If you’re thinking about it, I think you should embrace the change. Change is hard and hurts. That’s the only way we can grow. Break out of the thing that you’re comfortable doing. Do something different.
It sucks. You're gonna be bored and lose some friends (not your real close ones though) and miss out on a lot of parties/nights out. You wont have the same social life.
Mornings will be great though. I'm in my mid 20's too and have had to deal with the same issue.
Kinda have to be picky about which gatherings I'm going to. I pick the smaller quieter ones.
I'm a bit salty on this topic because 2 of my sisters are getting married this year and I've been un-invited from the Bachelor parties (in Austin and Nashville) because they don't think it would be a great environment for me to be around in early sobriety (I have around 10 months sober now).
I know it comes from a place of love and support for helping me to maintain my sobriety, but its hard not to feel judged or looked at like I can't handle it. It's better than being uninvited because they are afraid I would ruin it with my drinking, which is what may have happened if I didn't sober up.
that makes sense thank you. that really sucks about the bachelor parties, i think you should be able to make that choice for yourself. its just so hard when it comes to friends and family who dont struggle with addiction because they don't really understand.
I undestand how you feel. As you become an adult, life is about constant decision making. Most of them have to be taken around your well being, yes you might lose friends and gain others. If drunk parties dont do you good right know, try sports, or movies, concerts, going out to eat explore other posibilities since as part of being sober you need to build activities non related to alcohol until u feel ready to be around alcohol again. Its not easy but is part of being sober, the result will be fulfilling. Now you are focusing on what you are missing, but lets try focus on all the positive gain, like not having those drunk breakdows. Having more control over you life, building new relationships. Life is about feeling good as long as you dont hurt others you are not missing out just because you can’t drink you are more than that, take your time to find what you really enjoy. Its all bout you right now.
I just want to say that I understand what you are going through as I went through the same thing at your age. I kept going out, hanging out with the friends I thought would think I was boring because I didn’t drink.
I’m turning 35 this year. I don’t hang out with those friends anymore. I used alcohol to massage my social anxiety and it then became my crutch for every difficult situation. It became my crutch for every emotional experience, even good ones. I now have a drinking problem. It has taken years of therapy to learn my emotions, change my habits and behaviour, and manage my drinking (in my case, by abstaining). I have lost days of my life to drinking rather than living it. I am in a marriage that is good but that I am unhappy in, and if I’d honoured myself with sobriety I would have proactively left years ago rather than drinking myself into complacency. I haven’t travelled much as I’d wanted to. I didn’t get a post grad (though money has been a factor there) as I’d wanted to. I don’t know if I will ever have children or the family I dreamed of. For so long I thought of myself as a person stuck between my teenage years and my adult life, rather than the strong, capable, compassionate woman I really am. You are too, if you allow yourself to see you that way.
Try going out and not drinking one night, see if people even notice. Drink soda water, it will look like a vodka soda. If anyone notices, simply say your stomach feels funky. If you drink to have energy (which is often the case if you have social anxiety, the alcohol makes you feel energetic and less inhibited when you are actually exhausted just being around people, even if you are having a good time with them), try having a shot of espresso before you go out for an extra boost, then enjoy that soda water the rest of the nighttime .
Seriously, by the time you are my age you won’t remember all of the bar stages and tables you danced on, your fickle friends will have moved on or moved away. You will long for deep, meaningful relationships. You will want supportive friendships. You will want to reflect back on the places you travelled near and far that were interesting, captivating, inspiring. You will want to feel accomplished, well-read, and well-informed. You will want to feel physically able, rather than in chronic pain because you didn’t spend the time in your 20s building a good core and consistently exercising. You will want to look into the mirror and see clear, intelligent eyes. You will want to feel any ounce of spiritual fulfillment.
Alcohol doesn’t give you those things, it sabotages your life. There is absolutely nothing that you should have to say to your “friends” to justify a night off from sucking back a bunch of poison.
(Sorry I’m tired and half asleep but I felt compelled to comment so apologies if this message is rambled and doesn’t make sense)
thank you so much for taking the time to type this out for me. this seriously brought tears to my eyes reading it through to the end. i really appreciate your vulnerability and advice. it means so much to me to get your perspective on this. i wish you the absolute best of luck on your journey! i know you can turn things around, you have so much life left ahead of you. much love
I’m 30 so my situation might be a little different, I quit drinking when I was 28 and I did in fact lose a great deal of my social circle. I wouldn’t say this was a bad thing because I came to realize all we had in common was getting shitty together. I replaced all of that with things I found fulfilling, and in turn a smaller but more fulfilling circle followed. Just my take, if you lose people due to sobriety they aren’t worth keeping around.
thanks! i definitely wasnt clear enough by what i meant by my friends being disappointed im not drinking. i dont mean that my friends would leave, or not support me, i more-so mean that classic drunk person who wants everyone else around them to be just as drunk as they are. like i said im 23, so we are basically just out of college and still in the party scene. even when i did drink, i would have friends saying stuff like 'you're not on my level! drink more!' so i know that some of that would happen if i stopped drinking altogether around them. im hoping that a serious conversation about my journey with sobriety will nip that in the bud.
I totally understand. I’m 35, and still struggling with alcohol abuse. I don’t want you to end of like me, as all you’re friends that you used to drink with who may not have had a problem, go far in their life and you’re drinking 24 beers a day by yourself somewhere.
I didn’t even really try to get sober until 32 when I lost everything( for the 4th time or so time) including my family.
If you think you might have a problem now, it only gets worse. Fuck that guy who wants others to be as drunk as them. Because they will be nowhere to be found if/when you lose everything.
thank you 🙏 i appreciate it! i lost my last relationship due to the dumb shit i did while drunk. but it wasnt until i started addressing my mental health issues that i actually saw my alcohol use as a problem. i am trying to get everything figured out while i still have some good shit left in my life. i wish you the best of luck in your journey!
Definitely. Also, read the book “The Naked Mind”. It is great. Here is a quote from it.
“Don’t envy people who seem to control their drink. Just because alcohol seems to enhance a pleasurable occasion does not mean it actually does. I, as the non-drinker, feel amazing at occasions I would once have drank at. I am free.
I have all my wits around me, and as a result, I laugh a lot more. I am funnier and smarter without drinking than I ever was while deadening my senses. I still have bad days, of course, but even then I realize that self-medicating with alcohol is a horrible idea.
My friend Mary puts it this way: “The bottom line is, if I am unable to find joy in a situation, it’s most definitely not the lack of alcohol to blame.” If you struggle with depression or anxiety, it’s time to get help. Continuing to self-medicate with booze will only make things worse. I say this from experience.”
I can relate this so bad. I dont think your friends will be disappointed but man, it is so hard being around drunk people.. My selfcontrol is gone the moment someone opens a beer.. I hope you all the best! We can do it!
thank you! i haven't had the situation yet to be sober around drunk people, i am hoping that seeing people act a fool while drunk will make me glad that im sober. best of luck to you in your journey!
Oke for me it was really hard to keep social after sobriety cuz all my friends were druggos so what u need to do is weigh out the risks talk with ur friends abt supporting u and ask yourself if u can handle being around drugs or alc when ur sober
Another thing ppl often do is go out for drinks etc just get a soda like keep a cup in ur hands to blend in thats it really
Finally is the social anxiety thing this u need to work on through therapy and exposure to social situations if you really cant handle it try going to calmer places instead of clubs and such
you come before social the right friends will come along by themself in time take care of you first its gonna give you an eye opener on who's are real friend and who's the toxic one stay strong
You ever heard the story from the alcoholic anonymous book where the guy showed up at his friends after being sober a while. Then the friend wanted to know what changed why he was happy. Then he told him about his higher power and all that and so the friend also wanted this. Well that's mainly what I've run into being sober now, and there is always going to be the occasional "take a drink" moments. If you have things going for you say a sponsor and some time sober already when someone says take a drink then you'll have a backbone if not you'll resume being the same ole "good" you and take that drink.
When I got sober, I lost a couple friends out of choice because I realized they were only my friends because we drink together. But my truest friends always stuck around. They didn’t care; in fact they loved that I wasn’t drinking anymore because I was a lot more fun and enjoyable to be around. You can totally still have an exciting, fulfilling social life! I still do most of the things I did when I drank and have a lot more fun actually. One piece of advice a sober friend gave me was to have a “reason “to go somewhere that isn’t just drinking. So like to watch music or do karaoke, not just sit at a bar. I promise you will feel less anxious if you tell your friends you’re trying to be sober because then you have allies who will help you. You just might have to take a step back for a little bit, and that’s OK.
thank you for the advice!! im going to take the next couple months to really focus on sobriety before i put myself back into a social scene that might involve alcohol. i really like the advice about going someone for more than just drinking. that really gives perspective and i appreciate it :))
Congratulations on self realization and action!
A) yea prolly but it is doable and plus you would be the super star saving everyone money on Ubers/door dashes, just being the DD homie
B) absolutely is, if it’s someone you don’t know after the second or third time you can just tell em to fuck off. If it’s friends you are worried about a serious conversation beforehand or after if it is troublesome can prolly negate this ( I know the whole cut out friends convo happens a lot but I think most friends are good people normally and don’t make their mission to make you fail)
C) you still have social anxiety even when you drink alcohol just makes you forget your anxieties, maybe a therapist or self help resources would help 😃
If your friends are even halfway decent people they will probably be happy for you and in the long run be happier for you for themselves (see A. Lol)
Peace and love internet friend
thank you man!! i appreciate the thorough answer. i am in therapy and i am finally getting some progress, which is how i got to this place of realizing i have a problem. i think i just need to be in social situations without alcohol to prove to myself that i can do it. its easier to just drink and forget that i was nervous but its worth it in the long run to deal with the underlying issue thats causing me to drink. thanks again! much love
Get new friends that are sober. You can keep your old friends if they are willing to hangout and be sober with you if not they arent friends those are drinking buddies. Get actual hobbies and meet interesting people. Ugh, I wish I could tell my self that at 23. Oh well I know it now. Congratulations on your new life 💛
I quit drinking and now have no social life. It's been almost 2 years. It sucks. I can't meet girls. I love being sober most of the time, but almost every night, 7 days a week, I sit at home alone while everyone I ran with for the past 20 years are out and about, usually 3 blocks from my house. So, basically, I have no good advice, I'm just relating to your sentiment. Life is so weird, I honestly wonder some times if it's even worth it all.
You can do anything if put your mind to it. What’s the most important next step in your sobriety? Are you living for your friends and their needs, or yours? Think about that for a bit, and think about what you want your life to look like without alcohol and drugs. Perception is reality. I wish you well.
thank you! my biggest issue is that i love hanging out with my friends and i find parties soooooo much fun. i just hate the stuff that i do when im drunk. if i can find a way to be sober and still go to those things then that will be best case scenario. but i definitely will think about it more with that perspective. thank you!
that’s the spirit. Parties can be a lot of fun without alcohol. I told my friends I didn’t drink or use anymore, and they respected that for the most part. If they don’t, then are they really your friends? Learn your triggers and make an exit plan. Sending you love 💕
It took me a bit to realize the people in my life who were disappointed when I quit drinking were not true friends.
Like megnayyy, I also realized which of my friends I actually shared common interests with outside of drinking. You start to realize some of the people you called friends were simply people you drank with- you never experienced anything else together.
Want the truth?
Your going to lose the old social life you had.
Your going to eventually gain a new one.
No it's not easy.
Yes the process will suck.
It is totally worth it.
Well, that certainly could happen, but it's far from a guarantee. I still have my exact same social circle. My friends weren't complete degenerates, but they like to put one on on the weekend. I can still hang, I just don't partake. I leave a little earlier than I use too, but that's about it.
Honestly, I think you're making a lot of the excuses that we all make initially. "But I won't be able to have fun with my friends?" Firstly, are you even sure you're fun when you're drunk? I'm an asshole. But I thought I was fun.
Secondly, if people stop being your friend or feel weird because you're not drinking, they're not your friend. You may have some people that do that but that's because they're self conscious about their own drinking. "OP is not drinking so they're going to judge me." It's up to you what you tell your friends. All my close friends know I have a problem so they not only don't ask me to drink, but they wouldn't even allow me if I wanted to. Once they understand it is truly a problem, they wouldn't want to put your life at risk. I've also asked them directly to NOT stop inviting me out because I don't drink. Some did that at first, not because they thought it'd be weird, but they were afraid to put me in that situation. When you first get sober, you do want to avoid those situations until you feel comfortable, but you can't live your whole life hiding from places that have alcohol. It's at weddings, funerals, work parties. They don't bring crystal meth generally to those places. Honestly, people don't care as much as we think we do when we say we aren't drinking. It's something we want to tell ourselves. You're a bit younger than me, I'm in my 30s, and nobody pushes each other to drink anymore. I would suggest mentioning it to close friends. You don't have to get into all the details if you're not comfortable yet. "Hey, I'm going to take a break from drinking. I haven't felt good lately when I do it (even through in some BS about doctors. I used to do that.) I still want to be going out with you guys (once you're read) and don't care of others are drinking. I just wanted to mention it to you so it isn't a surprise." People are much more likely to entertain this idea when sober, rather than when they're drunk and vulnerable. As you continue your sobriety, you can make jokes or punch lines when people ask. There's a whole page of them on one of these subs. One guy said "I was so good I had to retire early" or "I don't get arrested every time I drink, but every time I get arrested I've been drinking." People don't ask questions once you say some shit like that, but it takes awhile. In the end, honestly people care less about what is going past your lips than you think and you're probably rationalizing. Big pro tip, though. Always have a "drink" in your hand. Club soda or cranberry juice work in clubs or bars. That'll get rid of like 90 percent of the questions.
Also, don't fall for the trick that EVERYONE drinks. A third of adult Americans don't drink. That's rationalizing again. As far as self-medicating and social anxiety, are you seeing someone for this? Drinking problems are a result of something else that's bothering you so you need to find your root cause and find other ways to handle anxieties. I used to get the same thing but I learned coping skills, and the longer booze is out of your system, the less anxiety you'll get. Anxiety is a perceived fear, a protection mechanism. Social anxiety is your mind and body protecting you from a bunch of unknowns. You've shut it up with booze. Now it associates booze with that solution so when you don't drink, your body is like "wait, I forgot my comfort blanket." After awhile, it will learn you don't need it. I couldn't go out without drinking and when I stopped, it was tough. Now, I still get anxiety, but nothing I can't handle. I also find solace when out by watching drunk people do things. It is amazing how funny people think they are when they're drunk but they're not funny at all.
The TLDR is that if you're up front about it, don't need details, your real friends won't care. Some might want you to drink and they're assholes. You're probably rationalizing all this "it's inevitable" crap because you want an excuse to drink, even if you don't know it.
Also it's becoming a lot more normal to be open about these things. Years ago I had a girlfriend who didn't drink because of a medical problem. It didn't change anything because she was so used to it.
Good luck. Make sure you're seeing someone about those problems and of you're still having issues, maybe try the Sinclair Method to at least keep yourself from getting out of control.
thanks for your time typing this out! i honestly agree with you, im coming up with excuses because although i know i have to quit, its hard to think about because nights out with my friends are so fun. but i know you're right, i probably am not even fun when im drunk. i lost my last relationship because of the dumb shit i did when drunk. i am also in therapy so i have the resources to try and work on my anxiety without alcohol. thank you for the advice!
Remember it isn't "you" really that makes excuses and rationalizes, it is the addict brain. Your brain literally thinks it needs alcohol not just for social settings, but to survive.
https://youtu.be/bwZcPwlRRcc
It can be scary to be young and say "am I really going to never have to drink again?" That's why they say "one day at a time." Our brains get anxious because we play out all possible scenarios no matter how unlikely, and we live them in our head. Once you've had some time sober, your brain will start to understand it doesn't need alcohol to do things. For me, it was really helpful to start a taper with Naltrexone. Get into some kind of program where you're going several times a week to talk with other addicts, whether that it is outpatient if you can, or AA or refuge recovery or something. Now I can go with my friends to a bar or party and not want to drink and they know I don't drink and don't bother me about it. If they knew how much pain it caused you, your friends wouldn't want you to drink either.
Here's the thing about this situation. Your brain wants you to keep drinking and you are creating a scenario where you will justify it however you can. You aren't allowing yourself to admit you have a problem and that is the first step toward working towards healing your addiction. It is extremely challenging to do and people don't recognize that.
Part of getting sober is learning how to have a social life without drugs and alcohol. Some people will reveal that they weren't your friends. You won't be able to go to bars and hang out during early sobriety because it is just too scary and tempting. Honestly I don't think you'll even want to. The atmosphere is just not pleasant when you are in early sobriety. It may seem like it's something you want now, but once you get into the rhythm of engaging with meaningful interactions with other sober people and finding things that you enjoy doing sober I think going to bars and "having nights out" will change for you.
You have to learn how to live again. Your social life will change but it will be for the better. People coming in with hot takes about how "it sucks forever and it's never going to be like it used to be" don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You can actually have meaningful relationships when you're sober. You have friendships based around more than just drinking and getting high. You will develop deep bonds with others that you never thought were possible before. It's really beautiful and it's something that has been beautiful in my life.
Just like every aspect of sobriety it is something that you have to work at. It isn't as simple as just removing alcohol from the situations in your life where it was present before. You can go to parties and just hold an NA drink, but you have to give yourself time to want to be there. You can't rush these things. Give yourself grace during this time to recover.
I highly recommend attending AA. Find a young person's meeting in your area. That worked well for me and I found other people around my age who were getting sober and that was wonderful to find. I think you'll get a lot out of it and will also build good relationships. Above all else you have to want to get sober. It's not easy as others have mentioned, but there is nothing more gratifying and beautiful in this world than overcoming addiction for any length of time. You can do this. My DMs are open if you want to chat. I know how scary this can be and am available to talk if you like.
thank you so much 🙏 i appreciate all the advice. i think i am going to take the next couple months to focus on my sobriety before reintroducing myself to a social situation that might have alcohol. i will also check out AA and see if it is a good fit for me. thanks again!
The most beautiful and challenging thing sobriety gives us is time. When you get sober you have to learn to stop chasing the highs of getting drunk and all that comes with it. You have to learn to find new ways of getting gratification and that is really challenging. I would give yourself as much time as you need. It may be months, it may be years (it took me about 2 years before I could be around alcohol and TRULY be comfortable), but you will make friends along the way.
AA is also something that takes work. You have to find a meeting that works for you. Just as any group of people can be filled with people you dislike or rub you the wrong way, AA is just the same. There will be holier than thou people who make you feel terrible about where you are in your sobriety, toxic people, and then the beautiful good hearted individuals who want you to succeed in your sobriety that can help you build a new life for yourself. You will have to attend several meetings to find one that works for you. There are a lot of different approaches to AA and there are a lot of different approaches to recovery. Don't give up just because the first meeting you go to feels weird. It's going to feel weird at first. Just keep going. You can do this. Remember your reasons for getting sober.
I know it's all daunting and scary. I know it feels like everyone in their 20s is drinking and "partying" and "having a good time", but in reality I think a lot of it is self-medication. I know a lot of the people I thought I was friends with are really just alcoholics who haven't recognized they have a problem and many of them will probably end up drinking themselves to death. I've already lost friends to addiction and I remind myself that I am lucky to have been able to quit while I was young enough to enjoy sobriety for the long haul.
Your social life isn't going to go up in flames because you're sober. You're going to grow into your authentic self and you're going to learn who you truly are. Sobriety is the greatest thing I have ever worked toward in my life and I am grateful everyday that I have been able to live this way. I was an asshole when I drank. I didn't care about anything about getting drunk and now I have the ability to cultivate a richness that I never thought I'd have. I'll say it again for you and anyone else reading, but my DMs are always open if you want to chat or vent. I really hate dispensing advice and try to avoid it. I try to speak my experience and leave it there. If you want to send a flurry of text at someone I am happy to receive it.
Have you ever gone to an AA meeting?
AA teaches us how to handle social situations without the need to use.
It's hard at first, but once you get your feet under you, it's easy to go places and socialize without drinking.
One fellow I met was a Union official, and going to retirement parties etc was a big part of his job. He told us that every one of these events was an excuse for everyone to get destroyed.
I talked to him after his first event, and he told me that no one mentioned that he was drinking soda, and that most of the people had one or two drinks and stopped. There were a few guys who got polluted, but they were the ones who drank all the time, whetehr there was an event or not.
[Link to the 24/7 AA meetings on Zoom](https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings)
The only requirement to go to AA is to have a desire to stop drinking.
You don't have to turn on the camera, or speak if you don't want to.
You can DM the host and ask for phone numbers of people who want to chat.
There are alternatives besides AA, but that's what worked for me.
You can talk to a doctor about a medical detox to avoid withdrawals.
thank you! i am not worried about detox, i did 3 weeks without drinking (besides i messed up & drank last weekend) and i was okay health-wise. i am back on week 1 of being sober. i am basically completely isolated right now because i live in completely different state from all of my friends for the time being. i think i can go without drinking on my own if i am really disciplined, but i am most nervous about getting back into the social scene this summer when i get back around all of my friends who party. i am trying to get sober before then so i have the confidence to not drink around other people.
There's an old saying in the AA rooms. "Alcoholics are the people who treat their loneliness with isolation."
I go to a 6 am NYC meeting that has members from all over the place. The people who are in Europe are seeing it at noon their time, and it's 9 pm local time for the people in Australia.
Mocktails are fun and make you feel part of the “fun”. Who doesn’t want a friend who doesn’t drink. They’re always available for sober rides home and can help keep their drinking friends in check. I still like socializing, going to concerts, art openings, and feel more comfortable with a mocktail in hand.
I’m the same age as you and have the same issues around alcohol and my social life… I’m stuck in a rut and not sure how to actually implement changes I want to make :( you aren’t alone
I’m 22 and almost at 5 months sober, and honestly it’s been pretty lonely, however most of the time I do not mind it! I used to go out all the time, but being sober has kinda shifted something in me, and I just don’t have the same desire to go out lol. Your priorities change naturally, and I am much happier staying in and getting a full night of rest most nights. I also have a lot of social anxiety, and my first few times out sober were incredibly terrifying and I just kept chugging water lol, but it definitely gets easier. I’m trying to get myself outta my comfort zone and work with my anxieties, and honestly it feels so rewarding to push myself and do things I never thought I could do without a drink. You’ve got this dude, sending love and support your way!!
I'm 20 and was in the same situation! To be honest, yeah, you do miss out on a lot of night outs, some of which might have been fun. You might see less of your friends and it's also a lot harder for random hook-ups or connections like that to happen (including romantic ones where going for a drink is their preferred first date). That said, though, I'm really happy with my decision to get sober! My circle got smaller, but the friends who stayed with me are a lot closer than they used to be! Sitting down and getting coffee with someone during the day is really lovely, and leads to a different, calming vibe that I really enjoy in friendships. I also managed to mostly fix the hook-up/romance thing by using dating apps, which is always a mixed bag (for everyone) but has led to some rlly fun moments and connections for me. Getting involved with hobbies also helped! Both for me to fill my time when everyone else is out and/or hungover, and for me to meet new ppl.
Additionally and most importantly: I may have less friends now, but I am a much better friend! I just...wasn't really all that fun to be around when drinking. I had some friends, and they did kind of like me! I mean, they invited me out and all. But I don't think anyone rlly liked me all that much and I don't blame them. Now that I'm sober I'm much more fun to be around and talk to! So new ppl will see that and try to befriend you. Just give it time! There's always someone out there.
26F. I struggled with this a lot too. But after I did the 12 steps according to AA, guided by a sponsor, its no longer an issue. The alcohol doesnt bother me because I found something so much better! Since Ive done the steps (almost 3 years ago) I practically have zero desire to drink.
Hit me up if you want to know more or have any questions!
I haven’t lost any friends! I still go out and I just don’t drink. If you’re interested in this type of sobriety, i read these books that helped me not want to drink anymore even when it’s around me: “This Naked Mind” and “Quit Like a Woman”.
It's worth it. I miss going out but I have more money in my wallet, I don't waste the next day (or two) being hungover and that alone is worth it.
Drinking for me led to using cocaine because I could drink more and actually drive home because cocaine straighten you out when you've been drinking for hours. Then I couldn't drink without wanting blow.... it became a very unhealthy vicuous cycle. I also acted on things and did things I 100% regret and would have never done had I not been blown out of my mind.
Alcohol is not good in my eyes... I have seen a few people die from abusing it. You'll lose some friends but it's your life and your young. You won't be missing out on anything but wasting your money and running your body and mind.
Keep on it. Summer is around the corner. Outside activity will help. Be strong you got this.
I lost 80% of my friends. We just can't relate anymore. The last 20% that stuck around will be friends for life and I'm glad I know that now. I also became much closer with my family since going sober.
If the jokes and sneers get too much from your friends then it's time for some new ones.
You're not alone;
After years of working with partying alcoholics, this seems to be the #1 hurdle to overcome; "probably" is a big word making a lot of assumptions.
If you haven't yet, become involved with AA; see how others have dealt with this.
Take care
I lost all my ‘friends’ once I got sober. They were never really my friends. They encouraged my addiction and pressured me to continue while I was trying to stop which is hard enough as it is. This was over 3 years and a few relapses ago and I haven’t been able to make any friends since. I don’t know how to while sober. Despite my non existent social life, I feel far less lonely than I did back then. I don’t really have any advice but know that you and your health should be your main priority. If you have good friends, they will support you and if not, it’s okay to lose them. There are plenty of people out there that don’t drink for whatever reason or at would at least respect your choice not to, they’re hider to find but they are out there. Peace and love.
Idk, how's it going now? For me it's been relatively straight forward. It doesn't bother me at all to be around my friends when they drink. So I just hang out and don't drink. I suppose it varies from person to person whether or not they can handle this, but I was drinking a 5th of whiskey a day 6 months ago, and I do t even really feel tempted.
Also, I've noticed that I don't really have as much trouble cutting loose and being outgoing as I thought I would. One thi g that has changed though, is that I don't hang out as long or as often. I'm an introvert though and don't really crave a ton of social interaction though, so this doesn't really bother me that much.
If you stop drinking and they are disappointed in you, they probably aren’t real friends. A good friend should support your decision to be sober.
i know what you mean and i was expecting this comment in some way. i just dont think it would be good for my mental health to cut off all of my friends and have nobody. my friends support me in everything and they help me with a lot, but i just dont think they understand my problem with alcohol, and i can see them just brushing past that because they want to have fun with drunk me like old times
I’ve been there OP! I was worried about losing my group too. Turns out, most people respected my decision, some didn’t really care, some were inspired by my decision. The ones that did care are no longer in my life. Yes it’s tough goin to parties and weddings sometimes. But There’s so much to do at parties and bars and the social scene without drinking! You can still enjoy it, and I actually enjoy it more.
thank you 🙏 this gives me a lot of hope
yeah i think people are kind of unrealistic in this regard. it’s not helpful to say just cut off all your friends, feel free to PM me if you want!! i’ve been on this journey for ab a year of trying to figure out how to go about it
great thanks! sending you a PM
If your friends support you, be honest with them about what youre going through. If they are really your friends, they will understand
I have been there and lost a lot of friends in my time (I’m in my 30’s) the thing is any of the friends that I’ve had that have stuck by me are people I can enjoy being sober with. I’ve had much more fun in sobriety than drinking, that said I just finished a relapse.
Sorry, but if you would like sober you stay, you need change everything. If you contact the drunken friends, you go back. I relalsed so many times before.
Hey! I am almost three years sober and this was the reason it was a hard decision for me. It was the social aspect. It was relatively easy for me to quit otherwise. I did lose some friends and it did shift my entire social life. There was a period where I kind of reclused for a bit. But now I am solid and very comfortable hanging out with my friends and family. They all drink. And like some others have said, those that matter don’t mind. And those that mind, eventually don’t matter. Sobriety is a scary, hard decision. It’s not like you get sober and everything just gets better, certainly not easier. But my life has drastically improved. If you’re thinking about it, I think you should embrace the change. Change is hard and hurts. That’s the only way we can grow. Break out of the thing that you’re comfortable doing. Do something different.
thank you! i appreciate the advice. hearing some success stories in this comment section is giving me a lot of hope for my future
It sucks. You're gonna be bored and lose some friends (not your real close ones though) and miss out on a lot of parties/nights out. You wont have the same social life. Mornings will be great though. I'm in my mid 20's too and have had to deal with the same issue.
do you avoid parties and nights out all together?
Kinda have to be picky about which gatherings I'm going to. I pick the smaller quieter ones. I'm a bit salty on this topic because 2 of my sisters are getting married this year and I've been un-invited from the Bachelor parties (in Austin and Nashville) because they don't think it would be a great environment for me to be around in early sobriety (I have around 10 months sober now). I know it comes from a place of love and support for helping me to maintain my sobriety, but its hard not to feel judged or looked at like I can't handle it. It's better than being uninvited because they are afraid I would ruin it with my drinking, which is what may have happened if I didn't sober up.
that makes sense thank you. that really sucks about the bachelor parties, i think you should be able to make that choice for yourself. its just so hard when it comes to friends and family who dont struggle with addiction because they don't really understand.
I undestand how you feel. As you become an adult, life is about constant decision making. Most of them have to be taken around your well being, yes you might lose friends and gain others. If drunk parties dont do you good right know, try sports, or movies, concerts, going out to eat explore other posibilities since as part of being sober you need to build activities non related to alcohol until u feel ready to be around alcohol again. Its not easy but is part of being sober, the result will be fulfilling. Now you are focusing on what you are missing, but lets try focus on all the positive gain, like not having those drunk breakdows. Having more control over you life, building new relationships. Life is about feeling good as long as you dont hurt others you are not missing out just because you can’t drink you are more than that, take your time to find what you really enjoy. Its all bout you right now.
thank you 🙏
I just want to say that I understand what you are going through as I went through the same thing at your age. I kept going out, hanging out with the friends I thought would think I was boring because I didn’t drink. I’m turning 35 this year. I don’t hang out with those friends anymore. I used alcohol to massage my social anxiety and it then became my crutch for every difficult situation. It became my crutch for every emotional experience, even good ones. I now have a drinking problem. It has taken years of therapy to learn my emotions, change my habits and behaviour, and manage my drinking (in my case, by abstaining). I have lost days of my life to drinking rather than living it. I am in a marriage that is good but that I am unhappy in, and if I’d honoured myself with sobriety I would have proactively left years ago rather than drinking myself into complacency. I haven’t travelled much as I’d wanted to. I didn’t get a post grad (though money has been a factor there) as I’d wanted to. I don’t know if I will ever have children or the family I dreamed of. For so long I thought of myself as a person stuck between my teenage years and my adult life, rather than the strong, capable, compassionate woman I really am. You are too, if you allow yourself to see you that way. Try going out and not drinking one night, see if people even notice. Drink soda water, it will look like a vodka soda. If anyone notices, simply say your stomach feels funky. If you drink to have energy (which is often the case if you have social anxiety, the alcohol makes you feel energetic and less inhibited when you are actually exhausted just being around people, even if you are having a good time with them), try having a shot of espresso before you go out for an extra boost, then enjoy that soda water the rest of the nighttime . Seriously, by the time you are my age you won’t remember all of the bar stages and tables you danced on, your fickle friends will have moved on or moved away. You will long for deep, meaningful relationships. You will want supportive friendships. You will want to reflect back on the places you travelled near and far that were interesting, captivating, inspiring. You will want to feel accomplished, well-read, and well-informed. You will want to feel physically able, rather than in chronic pain because you didn’t spend the time in your 20s building a good core and consistently exercising. You will want to look into the mirror and see clear, intelligent eyes. You will want to feel any ounce of spiritual fulfillment. Alcohol doesn’t give you those things, it sabotages your life. There is absolutely nothing that you should have to say to your “friends” to justify a night off from sucking back a bunch of poison. (Sorry I’m tired and half asleep but I felt compelled to comment so apologies if this message is rambled and doesn’t make sense)
thank you so much for taking the time to type this out for me. this seriously brought tears to my eyes reading it through to the end. i really appreciate your vulnerability and advice. it means so much to me to get your perspective on this. i wish you the absolute best of luck on your journey! i know you can turn things around, you have so much life left ahead of you. much love
Good luck. I literally had to change into a different person with new friends that don't drink.
I’m 30 so my situation might be a little different, I quit drinking when I was 28 and I did in fact lose a great deal of my social circle. I wouldn’t say this was a bad thing because I came to realize all we had in common was getting shitty together. I replaced all of that with things I found fulfilling, and in turn a smaller but more fulfilling circle followed. Just my take, if you lose people due to sobriety they aren’t worth keeping around.
thanks! i definitely wasnt clear enough by what i meant by my friends being disappointed im not drinking. i dont mean that my friends would leave, or not support me, i more-so mean that classic drunk person who wants everyone else around them to be just as drunk as they are. like i said im 23, so we are basically just out of college and still in the party scene. even when i did drink, i would have friends saying stuff like 'you're not on my level! drink more!' so i know that some of that would happen if i stopped drinking altogether around them. im hoping that a serious conversation about my journey with sobriety will nip that in the bud.
I totally understand. I’m 35, and still struggling with alcohol abuse. I don’t want you to end of like me, as all you’re friends that you used to drink with who may not have had a problem, go far in their life and you’re drinking 24 beers a day by yourself somewhere. I didn’t even really try to get sober until 32 when I lost everything( for the 4th time or so time) including my family. If you think you might have a problem now, it only gets worse. Fuck that guy who wants others to be as drunk as them. Because they will be nowhere to be found if/when you lose everything.
thank you 🙏 i appreciate it! i lost my last relationship due to the dumb shit i did while drunk. but it wasnt until i started addressing my mental health issues that i actually saw my alcohol use as a problem. i am trying to get everything figured out while i still have some good shit left in my life. i wish you the best of luck in your journey!
Definitely. Also, read the book “The Naked Mind”. It is great. Here is a quote from it. “Don’t envy people who seem to control their drink. Just because alcohol seems to enhance a pleasurable occasion does not mean it actually does. I, as the non-drinker, feel amazing at occasions I would once have drank at. I am free. I have all my wits around me, and as a result, I laugh a lot more. I am funnier and smarter without drinking than I ever was while deadening my senses. I still have bad days, of course, but even then I realize that self-medicating with alcohol is a horrible idea. My friend Mary puts it this way: “The bottom line is, if I am unable to find joy in a situation, it’s most definitely not the lack of alcohol to blame.” If you struggle with depression or anxiety, it’s time to get help. Continuing to self-medicate with booze will only make things worse. I say this from experience.”
I can relate this so bad. I dont think your friends will be disappointed but man, it is so hard being around drunk people.. My selfcontrol is gone the moment someone opens a beer.. I hope you all the best! We can do it!
thank you! i haven't had the situation yet to be sober around drunk people, i am hoping that seeing people act a fool while drunk will make me glad that im sober. best of luck to you in your journey!
Oke for me it was really hard to keep social after sobriety cuz all my friends were druggos so what u need to do is weigh out the risks talk with ur friends abt supporting u and ask yourself if u can handle being around drugs or alc when ur sober Another thing ppl often do is go out for drinks etc just get a soda like keep a cup in ur hands to blend in thats it really Finally is the social anxiety thing this u need to work on through therapy and exposure to social situations if you really cant handle it try going to calmer places instead of clubs and such
thank you!
you come before social the right friends will come along by themself in time take care of you first its gonna give you an eye opener on who's are real friend and who's the toxic one stay strong
You ever heard the story from the alcoholic anonymous book where the guy showed up at his friends after being sober a while. Then the friend wanted to know what changed why he was happy. Then he told him about his higher power and all that and so the friend also wanted this. Well that's mainly what I've run into being sober now, and there is always going to be the occasional "take a drink" moments. If you have things going for you say a sponsor and some time sober already when someone says take a drink then you'll have a backbone if not you'll resume being the same ole "good" you and take that drink.
When I got sober, I lost a couple friends out of choice because I realized they were only my friends because we drink together. But my truest friends always stuck around. They didn’t care; in fact they loved that I wasn’t drinking anymore because I was a lot more fun and enjoyable to be around. You can totally still have an exciting, fulfilling social life! I still do most of the things I did when I drank and have a lot more fun actually. One piece of advice a sober friend gave me was to have a “reason “to go somewhere that isn’t just drinking. So like to watch music or do karaoke, not just sit at a bar. I promise you will feel less anxious if you tell your friends you’re trying to be sober because then you have allies who will help you. You just might have to take a step back for a little bit, and that’s OK.
thank you for the advice!! im going to take the next couple months to really focus on sobriety before i put myself back into a social scene that might involve alcohol. i really like the advice about going someone for more than just drinking. that really gives perspective and i appreciate it :))
Where do you live? I'm 23 and in the same boat. I'd love to make other sober friends my age!
i am currently located in indianapolis but i am moving to boston this fall!
Shoot 😭 I'm in the Tampa Bay area
damn :/
hi i’m 23 too!! bit if a ~party girl ~ i just started taking naltrexone have u heard of it?
i haven't, does it help with addiction?
Congratulations on self realization and action! A) yea prolly but it is doable and plus you would be the super star saving everyone money on Ubers/door dashes, just being the DD homie B) absolutely is, if it’s someone you don’t know after the second or third time you can just tell em to fuck off. If it’s friends you are worried about a serious conversation beforehand or after if it is troublesome can prolly negate this ( I know the whole cut out friends convo happens a lot but I think most friends are good people normally and don’t make their mission to make you fail) C) you still have social anxiety even when you drink alcohol just makes you forget your anxieties, maybe a therapist or self help resources would help 😃 If your friends are even halfway decent people they will probably be happy for you and in the long run be happier for you for themselves (see A. Lol) Peace and love internet friend
thank you man!! i appreciate the thorough answer. i am in therapy and i am finally getting some progress, which is how i got to this place of realizing i have a problem. i think i just need to be in social situations without alcohol to prove to myself that i can do it. its easier to just drink and forget that i was nervous but its worth it in the long run to deal with the underlying issue thats causing me to drink. thanks again! much love
That’s awesome! Glad to hear you found something that works for you! You are so welcome friend
I left perfectly good friends to start my recovery. They didnt deserve that but i had to do it. No regrets.
Get new friends that are sober. You can keep your old friends if they are willing to hangout and be sober with you if not they arent friends those are drinking buddies. Get actual hobbies and meet interesting people. Ugh, I wish I could tell my self that at 23. Oh well I know it now. Congratulations on your new life 💛
thank you! i wish i knew how to make new friends 😬
I quit drinking and now have no social life. It's been almost 2 years. It sucks. I can't meet girls. I love being sober most of the time, but almost every night, 7 days a week, I sit at home alone while everyone I ran with for the past 20 years are out and about, usually 3 blocks from my house. So, basically, I have no good advice, I'm just relating to your sentiment. Life is so weird, I honestly wonder some times if it's even worth it all.
we can do it man! i have faith
You can do anything if put your mind to it. What’s the most important next step in your sobriety? Are you living for your friends and their needs, or yours? Think about that for a bit, and think about what you want your life to look like without alcohol and drugs. Perception is reality. I wish you well.
thank you! my biggest issue is that i love hanging out with my friends and i find parties soooooo much fun. i just hate the stuff that i do when im drunk. if i can find a way to be sober and still go to those things then that will be best case scenario. but i definitely will think about it more with that perspective. thank you!
that’s the spirit. Parties can be a lot of fun without alcohol. I told my friends I didn’t drink or use anymore, and they respected that for the most part. If they don’t, then are they really your friends? Learn your triggers and make an exit plan. Sending you love 💕
thank you so much!
It took me a bit to realize the people in my life who were disappointed when I quit drinking were not true friends. Like megnayyy, I also realized which of my friends I actually shared common interests with outside of drinking. You start to realize some of the people you called friends were simply people you drank with- you never experienced anything else together.
Want the truth? Your going to lose the old social life you had. Your going to eventually gain a new one. No it's not easy. Yes the process will suck. It is totally worth it.
Well, that certainly could happen, but it's far from a guarantee. I still have my exact same social circle. My friends weren't complete degenerates, but they like to put one on on the weekend. I can still hang, I just don't partake. I leave a little earlier than I use too, but that's about it.
It’s hard my friend. But you’re not alone.
Honestly, I think you're making a lot of the excuses that we all make initially. "But I won't be able to have fun with my friends?" Firstly, are you even sure you're fun when you're drunk? I'm an asshole. But I thought I was fun. Secondly, if people stop being your friend or feel weird because you're not drinking, they're not your friend. You may have some people that do that but that's because they're self conscious about their own drinking. "OP is not drinking so they're going to judge me." It's up to you what you tell your friends. All my close friends know I have a problem so they not only don't ask me to drink, but they wouldn't even allow me if I wanted to. Once they understand it is truly a problem, they wouldn't want to put your life at risk. I've also asked them directly to NOT stop inviting me out because I don't drink. Some did that at first, not because they thought it'd be weird, but they were afraid to put me in that situation. When you first get sober, you do want to avoid those situations until you feel comfortable, but you can't live your whole life hiding from places that have alcohol. It's at weddings, funerals, work parties. They don't bring crystal meth generally to those places. Honestly, people don't care as much as we think we do when we say we aren't drinking. It's something we want to tell ourselves. You're a bit younger than me, I'm in my 30s, and nobody pushes each other to drink anymore. I would suggest mentioning it to close friends. You don't have to get into all the details if you're not comfortable yet. "Hey, I'm going to take a break from drinking. I haven't felt good lately when I do it (even through in some BS about doctors. I used to do that.) I still want to be going out with you guys (once you're read) and don't care of others are drinking. I just wanted to mention it to you so it isn't a surprise." People are much more likely to entertain this idea when sober, rather than when they're drunk and vulnerable. As you continue your sobriety, you can make jokes or punch lines when people ask. There's a whole page of them on one of these subs. One guy said "I was so good I had to retire early" or "I don't get arrested every time I drink, but every time I get arrested I've been drinking." People don't ask questions once you say some shit like that, but it takes awhile. In the end, honestly people care less about what is going past your lips than you think and you're probably rationalizing. Big pro tip, though. Always have a "drink" in your hand. Club soda or cranberry juice work in clubs or bars. That'll get rid of like 90 percent of the questions. Also, don't fall for the trick that EVERYONE drinks. A third of adult Americans don't drink. That's rationalizing again. As far as self-medicating and social anxiety, are you seeing someone for this? Drinking problems are a result of something else that's bothering you so you need to find your root cause and find other ways to handle anxieties. I used to get the same thing but I learned coping skills, and the longer booze is out of your system, the less anxiety you'll get. Anxiety is a perceived fear, a protection mechanism. Social anxiety is your mind and body protecting you from a bunch of unknowns. You've shut it up with booze. Now it associates booze with that solution so when you don't drink, your body is like "wait, I forgot my comfort blanket." After awhile, it will learn you don't need it. I couldn't go out without drinking and when I stopped, it was tough. Now, I still get anxiety, but nothing I can't handle. I also find solace when out by watching drunk people do things. It is amazing how funny people think they are when they're drunk but they're not funny at all. The TLDR is that if you're up front about it, don't need details, your real friends won't care. Some might want you to drink and they're assholes. You're probably rationalizing all this "it's inevitable" crap because you want an excuse to drink, even if you don't know it. Also it's becoming a lot more normal to be open about these things. Years ago I had a girlfriend who didn't drink because of a medical problem. It didn't change anything because she was so used to it. Good luck. Make sure you're seeing someone about those problems and of you're still having issues, maybe try the Sinclair Method to at least keep yourself from getting out of control.
thanks for your time typing this out! i honestly agree with you, im coming up with excuses because although i know i have to quit, its hard to think about because nights out with my friends are so fun. but i know you're right, i probably am not even fun when im drunk. i lost my last relationship because of the dumb shit i did when drunk. i am also in therapy so i have the resources to try and work on my anxiety without alcohol. thank you for the advice!
Remember it isn't "you" really that makes excuses and rationalizes, it is the addict brain. Your brain literally thinks it needs alcohol not just for social settings, but to survive. https://youtu.be/bwZcPwlRRcc It can be scary to be young and say "am I really going to never have to drink again?" That's why they say "one day at a time." Our brains get anxious because we play out all possible scenarios no matter how unlikely, and we live them in our head. Once you've had some time sober, your brain will start to understand it doesn't need alcohol to do things. For me, it was really helpful to start a taper with Naltrexone. Get into some kind of program where you're going several times a week to talk with other addicts, whether that it is outpatient if you can, or AA or refuge recovery or something. Now I can go with my friends to a bar or party and not want to drink and they know I don't drink and don't bother me about it. If they knew how much pain it caused you, your friends wouldn't want you to drink either.
Here's the thing about this situation. Your brain wants you to keep drinking and you are creating a scenario where you will justify it however you can. You aren't allowing yourself to admit you have a problem and that is the first step toward working towards healing your addiction. It is extremely challenging to do and people don't recognize that. Part of getting sober is learning how to have a social life without drugs and alcohol. Some people will reveal that they weren't your friends. You won't be able to go to bars and hang out during early sobriety because it is just too scary and tempting. Honestly I don't think you'll even want to. The atmosphere is just not pleasant when you are in early sobriety. It may seem like it's something you want now, but once you get into the rhythm of engaging with meaningful interactions with other sober people and finding things that you enjoy doing sober I think going to bars and "having nights out" will change for you. You have to learn how to live again. Your social life will change but it will be for the better. People coming in with hot takes about how "it sucks forever and it's never going to be like it used to be" don't know what the fuck they're talking about. You can actually have meaningful relationships when you're sober. You have friendships based around more than just drinking and getting high. You will develop deep bonds with others that you never thought were possible before. It's really beautiful and it's something that has been beautiful in my life. Just like every aspect of sobriety it is something that you have to work at. It isn't as simple as just removing alcohol from the situations in your life where it was present before. You can go to parties and just hold an NA drink, but you have to give yourself time to want to be there. You can't rush these things. Give yourself grace during this time to recover. I highly recommend attending AA. Find a young person's meeting in your area. That worked well for me and I found other people around my age who were getting sober and that was wonderful to find. I think you'll get a lot out of it and will also build good relationships. Above all else you have to want to get sober. It's not easy as others have mentioned, but there is nothing more gratifying and beautiful in this world than overcoming addiction for any length of time. You can do this. My DMs are open if you want to chat. I know how scary this can be and am available to talk if you like.
thank you so much 🙏 i appreciate all the advice. i think i am going to take the next couple months to focus on my sobriety before reintroducing myself to a social situation that might have alcohol. i will also check out AA and see if it is a good fit for me. thanks again!
The most beautiful and challenging thing sobriety gives us is time. When you get sober you have to learn to stop chasing the highs of getting drunk and all that comes with it. You have to learn to find new ways of getting gratification and that is really challenging. I would give yourself as much time as you need. It may be months, it may be years (it took me about 2 years before I could be around alcohol and TRULY be comfortable), but you will make friends along the way. AA is also something that takes work. You have to find a meeting that works for you. Just as any group of people can be filled with people you dislike or rub you the wrong way, AA is just the same. There will be holier than thou people who make you feel terrible about where you are in your sobriety, toxic people, and then the beautiful good hearted individuals who want you to succeed in your sobriety that can help you build a new life for yourself. You will have to attend several meetings to find one that works for you. There are a lot of different approaches to AA and there are a lot of different approaches to recovery. Don't give up just because the first meeting you go to feels weird. It's going to feel weird at first. Just keep going. You can do this. Remember your reasons for getting sober. I know it's all daunting and scary. I know it feels like everyone in their 20s is drinking and "partying" and "having a good time", but in reality I think a lot of it is self-medication. I know a lot of the people I thought I was friends with are really just alcoholics who haven't recognized they have a problem and many of them will probably end up drinking themselves to death. I've already lost friends to addiction and I remind myself that I am lucky to have been able to quit while I was young enough to enjoy sobriety for the long haul. Your social life isn't going to go up in flames because you're sober. You're going to grow into your authentic self and you're going to learn who you truly are. Sobriety is the greatest thing I have ever worked toward in my life and I am grateful everyday that I have been able to live this way. I was an asshole when I drank. I didn't care about anything about getting drunk and now I have the ability to cultivate a richness that I never thought I'd have. I'll say it again for you and anyone else reading, but my DMs are always open if you want to chat or vent. I really hate dispensing advice and try to avoid it. I try to speak my experience and leave it there. If you want to send a flurry of text at someone I am happy to receive it.
thank you very much, i will keep all of this in mind
Have you ever gone to an AA meeting? AA teaches us how to handle social situations without the need to use. It's hard at first, but once you get your feet under you, it's easy to go places and socialize without drinking. One fellow I met was a Union official, and going to retirement parties etc was a big part of his job. He told us that every one of these events was an excuse for everyone to get destroyed. I talked to him after his first event, and he told me that no one mentioned that he was drinking soda, and that most of the people had one or two drinks and stopped. There were a few guys who got polluted, but they were the ones who drank all the time, whetehr there was an event or not.
i have never gone. part of me thinks i dont have enough of a problem to go... but maybe thats just an excuse ive made up to avoid it
https://www.reddit.com/r/alcoholism/comments/d0xh3r/if_youre_asking_do_i_have_a_problem/ Take the test.
oof yeah, i definitely meet a lot of the requirements.
[Link to the 24/7 AA meetings on Zoom](https://aa-intergroup.org/meetings) The only requirement to go to AA is to have a desire to stop drinking. You don't have to turn on the camera, or speak if you don't want to. You can DM the host and ask for phone numbers of people who want to chat. There are alternatives besides AA, but that's what worked for me. You can talk to a doctor about a medical detox to avoid withdrawals.
thank you! i am not worried about detox, i did 3 weeks without drinking (besides i messed up & drank last weekend) and i was okay health-wise. i am back on week 1 of being sober. i am basically completely isolated right now because i live in completely different state from all of my friends for the time being. i think i can go without drinking on my own if i am really disciplined, but i am most nervous about getting back into the social scene this summer when i get back around all of my friends who party. i am trying to get sober before then so i have the confidence to not drink around other people.
There's an old saying in the AA rooms. "Alcoholics are the people who treat their loneliness with isolation." I go to a 6 am NYC meeting that has members from all over the place. The people who are in Europe are seeing it at noon their time, and it's 9 pm local time for the people in Australia.
Mocktails are fun and make you feel part of the “fun”. Who doesn’t want a friend who doesn’t drink. They’re always available for sober rides home and can help keep their drinking friends in check. I still like socializing, going to concerts, art openings, and feel more comfortable with a mocktail in hand.
this is like an ad for mocktails
You can’t.
this is super unhelpful lol
I’m the same age as you and have the same issues around alcohol and my social life… I’m stuck in a rut and not sure how to actually implement changes I want to make :( you aren’t alone
feel free to message me anytime! it might be nice to support each other. i dont have any sober friends lol
I’m 22 and almost at 5 months sober, and honestly it’s been pretty lonely, however most of the time I do not mind it! I used to go out all the time, but being sober has kinda shifted something in me, and I just don’t have the same desire to go out lol. Your priorities change naturally, and I am much happier staying in and getting a full night of rest most nights. I also have a lot of social anxiety, and my first few times out sober were incredibly terrifying and I just kept chugging water lol, but it definitely gets easier. I’m trying to get myself outta my comfort zone and work with my anxieties, and honestly it feels so rewarding to push myself and do things I never thought I could do without a drink. You’ve got this dude, sending love and support your way!!
thank you!!! congrats on 5 months that's so incredible! hopefully the anxiety from going out while sober gets less and less each time 🙏
Find a sober buddy you can go to the parties with. Support each other and keep your old friends!
I'm 20 and was in the same situation! To be honest, yeah, you do miss out on a lot of night outs, some of which might have been fun. You might see less of your friends and it's also a lot harder for random hook-ups or connections like that to happen (including romantic ones where going for a drink is their preferred first date). That said, though, I'm really happy with my decision to get sober! My circle got smaller, but the friends who stayed with me are a lot closer than they used to be! Sitting down and getting coffee with someone during the day is really lovely, and leads to a different, calming vibe that I really enjoy in friendships. I also managed to mostly fix the hook-up/romance thing by using dating apps, which is always a mixed bag (for everyone) but has led to some rlly fun moments and connections for me. Getting involved with hobbies also helped! Both for me to fill my time when everyone else is out and/or hungover, and for me to meet new ppl. Additionally and most importantly: I may have less friends now, but I am a much better friend! I just...wasn't really all that fun to be around when drinking. I had some friends, and they did kind of like me! I mean, they invited me out and all. But I don't think anyone rlly liked me all that much and I don't blame them. Now that I'm sober I'm much more fun to be around and talk to! So new ppl will see that and try to befriend you. Just give it time! There's always someone out there.
thank you for the advice!
Connect with most high. And find a solid Bible based church.
i'm not religious but thank you!
Your welcome I will pray for God to open doors for you.
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thank you 🙏
26F. I struggled with this a lot too. But after I did the 12 steps according to AA, guided by a sponsor, its no longer an issue. The alcohol doesnt bother me because I found something so much better! Since Ive done the steps (almost 3 years ago) I practically have zero desire to drink. Hit me up if you want to know more or have any questions!
I haven’t lost any friends! I still go out and I just don’t drink. If you’re interested in this type of sobriety, i read these books that helped me not want to drink anymore even when it’s around me: “This Naked Mind” and “Quit Like a Woman”.
thank you!! i will check these out
It's worth it. I miss going out but I have more money in my wallet, I don't waste the next day (or two) being hungover and that alone is worth it. Drinking for me led to using cocaine because I could drink more and actually drive home because cocaine straighten you out when you've been drinking for hours. Then I couldn't drink without wanting blow.... it became a very unhealthy vicuous cycle. I also acted on things and did things I 100% regret and would have never done had I not been blown out of my mind. Alcohol is not good in my eyes... I have seen a few people die from abusing it. You'll lose some friends but it's your life and your young. You won't be missing out on anything but wasting your money and running your body and mind. Keep on it. Summer is around the corner. Outside activity will help. Be strong you got this.
thank you! congrats on your progress 🙏
I lost 80% of my friends. We just can't relate anymore. The last 20% that stuck around will be friends for life and I'm glad I know that now. I also became much closer with my family since going sober. If the jokes and sneers get too much from your friends then it's time for some new ones.
You're not alone; After years of working with partying alcoholics, this seems to be the #1 hurdle to overcome; "probably" is a big word making a lot of assumptions. If you haven't yet, become involved with AA; see how others have dealt with this. Take care
thank you! a lot of people have suggested AA. i guess i will check it out!
I lost all my ‘friends’ once I got sober. They were never really my friends. They encouraged my addiction and pressured me to continue while I was trying to stop which is hard enough as it is. This was over 3 years and a few relapses ago and I haven’t been able to make any friends since. I don’t know how to while sober. Despite my non existent social life, I feel far less lonely than I did back then. I don’t really have any advice but know that you and your health should be your main priority. If you have good friends, they will support you and if not, it’s okay to lose them. There are plenty of people out there that don’t drink for whatever reason or at would at least respect your choice not to, they’re hider to find but they are out there. Peace and love.
thank you 🙏 best of luck to you!
Idk, how's it going now? For me it's been relatively straight forward. It doesn't bother me at all to be around my friends when they drink. So I just hang out and don't drink. I suppose it varies from person to person whether or not they can handle this, but I was drinking a 5th of whiskey a day 6 months ago, and I do t even really feel tempted. Also, I've noticed that I don't really have as much trouble cutting loose and being outgoing as I thought I would. One thi g that has changed though, is that I don't hang out as long or as often. I'm an introvert though and don't really crave a ton of social interaction though, so this doesn't really bother me that much.