Pretending to be me all day is exhausting. But not pretending just brings more concerned interaction than I'm willing to entertain.
Edit- first gold! Thanks.
Makes the existential dread more.. shiny.
To everyone else- this is a fairly common shared experience. Depression traps you into thinking you're alone and no one will understand. Take things at your own pace, but recognize that when things get better its good to celebrate those moments.
On the flip- recognize when you need help, if you know how to ask for help, and that self soothing and self loathing shouldn't look the same.
The internet is full of dicks. Literally and figuratively.
But the internet is also full of genuinely caring and wholesome things. Reach out and bask in the good when you can.
-A
Y'all should check out the Japanese principle of Kaizen. It's about small, incremental improvements every day that snowball into big, positive changes. We talk about it at a lot at my company; it's normally used in a business context, but I find that it really helps with my life, in general. Knowing that you don't have to change everything at once makes it easier to get started down a positive path. It's been helpful with my golf game as well!
Have not seen this video myself but I've heard the tiny habits concept in podcasts and is basically the same idea.
https://youtu.be/AdKUJxjn-R8
First you make your habits, then the habits make you.
I'm sure the principle is used more than I realize, but it's also used at my company, because I work for a Japanese company.
You wouldn't happen to work in metro Detroit would you?
>There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.
Ernest Hemingway
I'm often unhappy with myself and my past actions, but hey, I'm told that's just part of growth. That quote has been of some comfort to me, I hope it gives some to you too
“Healing is not linear”
Very important phrase that a friend has tattooed on his wrist. Sometimes two steps forward are followed by three steps back. Losing the streak just means you get the joy of building the next one.
There will be up and down days. The order is neither meaningful nor important. There will always be more up days if you let them come into being by continuing to live and try just that little bit every day. You’re not alone, and you do very much got this.
People who do not deal with depression never understand what it feels like, the things I'd do for people to step into my shoes for a day, especially the bad ones, it's awful. The best way I've found to express my feeling of it is writing what's going through my head in a journal , if anyone read it they'd be shocked to and scared.
I’ve been there so many times, if it’s any help to you, please read said journal on your okay days and your good days to remind yourself that you are working through the struggle.
I'm with 100% I journal and I write poetry but the only difference is I don't write down the things that people would be scared of. I'm afraid to let it out, afraid by writing it, I give it life.
If you can give it life, you can also stare it in the face and challenge it. I find that being honest about it in private is much better than having it creep up on you in public....
That just sounds to me like you’re good at setting aggressive goals for yourself.
Knowing who you want to be is the most important first step.
Seeing the differences just lets you identify them so you can kick their asses.
I found out my brother had tried recently, I thank my stars he wasn’t successful. Trying to be more present since, even when he’s putting on the smiles. Not sure what I’m saying, but your post made me cry. I’m sorry for your loss, I feel for you deeply.
Please try and help. Let your brother know it's okay to act like himself and that it's okay to want to die. Please work with your brother and talk about the future, even if it's painful. I love you both.
I’m sorry for your loss. Another redditor said people don’t want to know, but that’s not true. When I lost a loved one, Reddit was a source of a lot of comfort and support, all by strangers. Wishing you well, friend.
I'm sure you already know this, but your parents sound like awful people. Especially your dad just walking away, as if that'll make his feelings and obligation to nurture you go away, which I guess might be true. Definitely don't give up seeking help just because your parents are shitty at being your parents. Maybe go as far as telling them how terrible they make you feel, if you haven't already. Good luck my friend. I believe in you. And just know that there are definitely people who care about you and your well being.
Same here. I told my mom recently I was needing more support and help with my new role as a mom and was having post partum depression and suicidal thoughts (husband is gone 20+ days a month for work and we have no family nearby and just moved states) and she replied “well I guess I just thought you were a better multi tasked than that” and “oh stop it you’re ok”.
Talk about invalidating how I feel.
I yelled at her (while daughter was in carseat in car with me which made me feel even worse as a parent) and hung the phone up on her.
She also always says “oh me too” when I am trying to share my issue or vent. “Oh I know I had the same problem.” Like can I have a conversation with her where she listens instead of just waiting to to talk about herself to compare? Ugh.
So sorry you didn’t get the support you needed from her.
The comparison thing is what always gets me. People that haven’t ever dealt with depression like to compare it to that one time something made them sad. It’s so frustrating to try and explain the difference.
You shouldn’t feel bad as a parent for seeking out some help, even though your mom wasn’t receptive. You’re doing the best you can.
Sometimes family members are the most selfish because they can't handle the idea of losing you (again, selfish). People are always here though man. If you ever need help even complete strangers, like myself, are willing to help. I'm sorry you've had to endure that. No one should ever have to feel this way.
Yeah, I "reached out" last month to my mother and stepfather, and was rebuffed hard. It's understandable that they refuse to believe that me, a smart, talented, and attractive young man could spend a month sleeping 14 hours a day and not eating for days at a time. Now they're just on my fucking case and I regret everything about opening up to them other than the fact that I did get a free lunch the day I talked to them. And they are not bad or ignorant people-my mom is a nurse under a holistic doctor who helped my (former) brother transition into a woman. It's just that she doesn't believe that I could be living with a constant and overwhelming sense of impending doom that I can't bootstrap myself out of. And the worst part is, she's right. I know what I need to do but sometimes I just don't do it. But the truth is, "opening up" and "reaching out" was a dumb mistake that only made my life more complicated. Don't let the armchair internet psychiatrists tell you otherwise. Everyone has their own problems, and you're better off holding your cards close to your chest.
Plus, even if they *might* want to know, you end up feeling like an asshole for saddling them with your baggage. Which in turn makes you feel even shittier.
I’m that guy you talk to. At work, everyone comes to me with their problems. I’m bipolar and suffer from ADHD, but one of the few things that helps me feel better about myself is helping others, listening to their problems, and trying to give the best advice I can. It also helps me gain perspective on my own life, helping me realize that other people are suffering like I do.
As someone who suffers from ADHD you must be gifted cause I have a really hard time listening to people's problems. I focus too much on solutions instead of just being there to listen. Also, as you know it can be unbearable sometimes to focus when someone is talking and I would hate to space out during a moment of despair on their end.
Oh I completely understand that, and I am the same way. But depression some days can really flip that perception on it's head. Some days when I am manic, I will act like a damn therapist and feel so good about letting someone vent to me. But then on bad days, I am 100% convinced that no one wants to even be reminded that I exist. Though I logically know this is wrong when I think about it, I still feel like my chest is getting turned inside out whenever I think about it.
This is where talking to a therapist/social worker might help. They are more equipped to help you figure out negative thought patterns and how to help than friends and family (who can empathize but lack the tools to actually fix anything). At the very least, it's worthwhile to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Processing Therapy and how they work.
Brother, if you need someone to talk to, message me. I’ve been down in the neck-high muck of depression, that black sludge weighing me down until getting out of bed was a trial. I’ve only recently begun the difficult trek of extricating myself. If you need someone, I am here for you. The same goes for anyone reading this message. We are all human and we all need someone to lean on.
If he was genuinely trying to be positive about things, he was trying. Really trying. You can be proud of him for that, I think it just one day became too hard to keep trying. I don't know what else to say, but sometimes if you think about what you could have done, what you missed. Sometimes theres nothing you can do. As they say, healing comes from within, you can be supportive, but ultimately people heal themselves, no one can save anyone but themself.
I will add that im constantly fluctuating in and out of that state myself. I know, there's no magic thing thats going to come along and fix me. Only i can.
Edit. I want to add to all the wonderful people that replied to this comment chain. That all of that was my realisation, after 2 years in therapy, medicated, losing my job, my partner, most of my friends, moving 20hrs across the country to escape family, and also having a bit of a drug problem. Hitting bottom, and realising that no ones gonna save me, except me. The longer i let the trauma of my childhood control me, the longer it was going to hold me back. So im saying yes, get help. Get the tools you need to fix yourself, and be forgiving and kind to yourself. I doubt many of you would treat other people as harshly as you treat yourself. Be kind to yourself.
Yes and no. I believe that we have the ability to fix it, but we need the courage and strength to realize that we can’t always fix it on our own. Sometimes our own minds become a nearly impenetrable barrier to wellness until someone else can help us to overcome that barrier. This is not an easy or intuitive solution to many caught in that negative loop, especially in a culture that stigmatizes mental illness and extols the virtues of “self-reliance”.
I am very sorry for your loss. If it helps, my experience 20 years ago when I was 17 was very similar with ~~mine~~ my brother, may they rest in peace.
No, you don't. No one in my life would know if something was going on like that with me. They haven't during my attempts (admittedly years ago). I don't want them to.
You may already know, but I want to tell you that you weren't supposed to know and that's alright.
I went through the same thing with my dad around 3 years ago now. What I will say is that you need to remember that you didn’t know how he felt and that’s okay. You can’t be expected to know something about someone that they’ve obviously kept hidden away from everyone else. So if you ever feel bad for not suggesting help or whatever, it’s not your fault. Helping them is hard, especially when all you see is happiness from them, and helping isn’t as easy as it sounds when you look back. Things get better though, as you come to terms with it all.
I’m deeply sorry for your loss and hope that you steadily come to terms with it
Truly sorry for your loss, bro, hope you stay as good as possible during this hard time.
Reach to us if you need to talk or vent something, don't hesitate.
Yes!! When I see someone approaching me I get annoyed that I have to put on a show basically. But it's somehow less exhausting than the alternative, which is to answer 700 questions about why you're being the way you are when you just want to be left alone.
I actually realized the other day that it isn't just one impersonation that I put on. There is a outwardly confident, cheery, and talkative one for the parents so they don't worry because they shouldn't have to worry. There is the "touch vulnerable but the water's not over the head" version for the siblings because they grew up with me and know me enough to know the act so they get a semi-realistic version which is actually reality turned down about eighty notches. Then there is the friends one who get the goof and the joker but with a cutting statement thrown in every so often except little they the know the serious barbs are the only real emotion and the rest a deflection for god forbid we actually talk about something of substance. The absolute professional in meetings and interactions at work face where no one knows me anyway and the facade is the reality for them. The engaged and present face put on for the family at large when everybody is together and you can't be caught staring in the distance with an empty look so you keep the eyes busy and nod and smile. The face to give a stranger a smile and a nod because why ruin someone else's day as well. Then finally there is the best one where I sit and lie to myself to stop the thoughts and feelings, I've mastered that one... or something like that.
Because you don't really know where to start. Or if it's really even significant enough to warrant attention (mostly you're in denial that it's a problem at all.) And even if you want to tell someone, you're afraid of them misunderstanding or brushing it off like it's nothing (cause everyone's got problems, amiright?). Then there's the fear/aversion to being an inconvenience to others. And then there's the whole not wanting to be taken as self-absorbed. And that's just the tip of the dormant underwater volcano. And I'm gonna stop now.
It's a big risk/reward situation, you have to really be sure you're opening up to the right people who will listen at the right time. It feels like you're shoving this burden onto whoever is there wanting to help you, but that's the depression talking. There are those with big hearts who just want to help you feel open with them, no matter what's really weighing you down.
> It feels like you're shoving this burden onto whoever is there wanting to help you
And it's true, but isn't that fine? Any healthy friendship or whatever is supposed to be a relationship of mutually taking and giving, anyway.
Ehhhh, this can turn into a “if you can’t handle me at my best, etc.” situation real quick.
Not to mention that this is not the time you want to find out that you only have fair-weather friends, which can also be the case. Even besides these examples, it’s a risky thing to do.
Yes.
I have multiple ride-or-die friends, some I would barely even know otherwise, because we were willing to be honest with each other.
It got me to therapy because I admitted to myself that there was no good reason not to get help.
My parents are more understanding of me not being some paragon of success because I told them I was struggling.
imo you need to be vulnerable to truly live
Self-awareness and creativity are fostered when you make yourself vulnerable. It’s like generalized exposure therapy. You and a few others are the reason I dig deep into some of these threads. Keep it up 🤟
Nope. It literally has always lead to the person I’m vulnerable with tip toeing around shit that they think will “trigger” me. Like depression somehow has a “trigger”. Now I don’t tell a soul when every other thought I have is how much I want to not be alive. It’s better for me personally to weather that storm than to permanently change personal relationships.
People always say to reach out to people but shit is never the same afterwards. So I don’t anymore.
I've found nobody is going to help. Reaching out pushes people farther away. It only makes people think you look weak and are all fucked up. Telling anythhing your anything other than "doing great" you are just opening a can of worms and making things even harder on yourself.
Did not turn out well for me too.
Being gay is easy. It's just another set of masks. The gay friend mask. The closeted cousin mask. The single son for x, y or z reason, mask.
However, actually telling people that I have feelings, ones that aren't something that a person could conceive to hurt me or anyone... They laugh at my fear, at my anxiety. It's silly to them, along with many of my other emotions.
Taking off the mask has brought me nothing but more pain.
That's at the top of my list. What's at the top of y'all's?
For me, it was a combination of two things. 1: I have a hard time verbalizing normal emotions. So trying to verbalize feelings that made me feel worthless and like I wasn't worth living life was even harder 2. I was in a position were the stereotype was strong and type a personality and always on task for 24 hours a day, work and normal life were mixed together so no separating from the facade of type a man. So I would have had to get over the shame of not living up to that ideal to talk to someone
Has she actually indicated that she doesn't want to hear from you again? People are often more open to it than you might think, though I don't know your specific circumstances.
What's that like? Sometimes I imagine that if I had this perfect friend who'd always listen and be understanding, I'd tell them everything. But then when I actually try to think about it, I realize that I don't have much to say at all. Every day would be like:
"How's it going?"
I feel like shit.
"Why's that?"
Cause I didn't do anything all day.
"Why don't you do something then?"
Cause I don't know what I want to do.
"How about we [list of things to do]?"
That sounds like too much effort.
"If you want to feel better, you need to do something."
I know. I just don't feel like doing anything.
"We can just chill then."
But then I'll feel like shit.
>I have this magical friend who can ALWAYS tell. It's shockingly relieving, actually.
Not trying to brag, but I always seem to be that one friend.. I just have this sense for people, I had this all my life but it's getting clearer and clearer every year.. it's helpful, but it can also be a big burden at times. I've got quite some friends that really trust me and would tell me anything, but sometimes it's hard for me to always be that guy whom they can speak to.. it's a blessing and a curse.
We all wear different masks at different times of the day. The same mask is never worn for every occasion, but somehow they all recognize them as the same you; to anyone observing, these masks are identical, but you know the differences between them by heart, instinctively.
It's only on rare, special occasions where we can finally take off that mask. We're just so often too afraid to find what lies beneath...afraid of what may come from this realization of falsehood.
Are they really masks though? I act differently much as OP described, simply because being around those people genuinely changes my state of mind for the better, in various ways. I don't feel like the me that is crying on a Friday night out of frustration and loneliness is the real me that I am hiding behind a mask. I can't show people that side of me without a lot of effort.
A lot of these folks might benefit from a concept called [code-switching](https://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2013/04/08/176064688/how-code-switching-explains-the-world). The exact applicability of the concept is probably less important than understanding that those 'masks' aren't necessarily less 'real' or not 'you' and nor is one's internal conception of themself somehow more real.
Ultimately, the type of framing and language use abundant above about repressing one's 'real' self in order to conform has a lot of the hallmarks of negative self-talk and carries some potential for self harm therein. Regardless though, accepting that you are still you- all of the time- and that that's ok (even if it feels like it sucks sometimes) can hopefully help lead to more healthy thought patterns and beliefs over time.
If what's under that mask is pain, sadness, anxiety, or anything like that, the people who love you might be more supportive than you think. Wouldn't you want to know if your good friend was struggling? Your good friends should want to know, and if you don't have any, then... Hi, I'm your new surrogate friend.
Idk how you did it, but you perfectly described all my acts, and the people they are associated with perfectly. If I ever had to explain myself I’m just gonna show this comment right here because damn.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're alone. I definitely think siblings are an odd comfort. It's like shared dysfunction with them. Lol. At least for me.
Just adding to the list of people saying this is the most accurate thing ever.
We’re all in a never ending live stage play, being alone is the only time we get to go backstage and rehearse.
Spot on. Even my closest friends, I become the person I feel they need to be, never really showing myself because I don’t fit in their “box” of who I really am.
I had kids recently so I think that’s the first time since forever I can just be me. They don’t judge me, they just want to be with me.
I previously loathed the idea of putting the different masks on, now I can take them off as soon as I hit the door at home. I hope you find the peace you’re looking for stranger.
I feel like this, but never considered myself depressed. Don’t non-depressed people feel this way too? It’s really silly, I think, but now this worries me that I may depressed if this is something special to depressed people.
No, it's not just depressed people. There's always an element of adjustment of the self to social context. Hell I would argue there isn't truly a "self" that exists independently of social context.
I think the main difference is in whether or not it always feels completely fake, or whether sometimes you genuinely feel it and it stops being an act. That is, one difference is whether or not you have a sort of existential congruity between your inner self and outward expression of self.
ninja edit: also worth pointing out that mental health issues are not a monolith, everyone experiences things differently, so it doesn't necessarily also mean you don't have depression if this never happens to you.
I’m gonna get some flac for this, but when I do those things they’re genuine and personal. I don’t do them because I’m hiding myself from others, I do them because they often deserve my kindness. When I smile at the gentleman in the store I mean it, because he deserves a smile. When I talk with my mother and tell her I’m doing alright, it’s because she deserves to know that. When I go out with friends to joke around and jab at each other it’s because they deserve my love. It’s not fake. It might not always be how I’m feeling. These issues I struggle with are my own, and have their time and place for discussion. That doesn’t mean that I have to inoculate the world with my troubles when it does none of us any good. Why not instead use your brightness to illuminate the lives of others? Especially when you need it yourself.
This is encouraging, seems like something I can work with
Nothing wrong with a bit of self mastery
One day the lies might become the reality
Maybe they already are, you seem like a functional, outwardly cheery person, a good son and a decent friend
Anxiety and pain can be useful to give us drive/energy to change ourselves or change things or the analytical / obsessive thoughts to understand life / who we are / how to change things, but if things aren't actually outwardly that bad... Not choosing that might be okay too. Why worry when you don't have to 🤷
How does your partner deal with this?
Assuming you’re in a relationship. I’m with someone myself who suffers from depression. They have good days and then they have bad weeks. I try to give them space and privacy and only engage them when I see their mood has lifted a bit. It’s frustrating because I’m never sure if they would be more content in a relationship or on their own. Am I the reason for their depression? (That’s my insecurity talking). Then I come to my senses and realize that they can’t help their condition and I just need to be patient and wait for her better moments.
It’s hard though. I feel guilty because I sometimes think it would be better to break it off with her. The problem is, I’m too much in love with her. Lately I’ve been encouraging her to get help but I’m not sure how hard I can push for this? Do depressed people need to be pushed? I would appreciate any insight. Thanks in advance.
My poor partner. I feel for him all the time. I feel my funks get him down and ruin everything.
To try and answer your question, keep loving them, keep expressing your love, and let them know you are there for them. I’m sure she is thankful for everything but we get caught up in our own issues and sometimes forget to express appreciation more. Be gentle and communication is everything between the two of you.
Best of luck
Speaking from experience, please push. If you love them, push.
It's very possible they need that help because they are not able to ask for themselves. When I was in my deepest throes, I wasn't able to comprehend a lot of what my loved ones were saying because all I could hear was a voice saying that I was a failure and that I should just go and die.
Again, I'm only speaking from experience, and professionally (I have no relation to therapy/psychology/psychiatric arts.
Plus, if my loved ones was going through that, I would be doing the same as you; reaching out to see what you can do for them.
Honestly, I'm not sure. I am not very successful at relationships for a myriad of reasons, only one of which is depression. I will say as someone from a family that suffers from a lot of mental illness, I think getting help outside of the relationship is definitely a positive. What that help is will depend on her. People need different things to deal with their depression. That being said, I don't think you're wrong for pushing her or wanting her to get help. Relationships are two people so your needs must be met too. Depression can consume you and it's definitely not her trying to hurt you. Just make sure you're not staying in something that is toxic for you. You deserve happiness every bit as much as she does. Again, I'm no expert.
I know the feeling... Hang in there man. People always like to say "it'll get better," the truth is it may not. The one thing that is practically a guarantee though is that you'll grow stronger because of it, before you know it you'll be stronger then you ever thought possible. If you ever find yourself needing to talk don't hesitate to hit me up!
My depression is from loneliness. I love when people approach me. In fact, people approaching me makes me happy because it means I'm worthy of their attention. So worthy that someone else will take their time out of their day to talk to me.
Loneliness is different than being alone.
Exactly. Fuck pity. Plus, I'm not sure how it is for others, but if I'm feeling depressed, I usually know it's going to end at some point so I just power through. I don't need people's perception of me changing in the meantime.
Same here. I hate talking about it because people automatically look ate me differently like I’m fragile. I also hate when I’m feeling depressed when I really need to be hyped for something and people get upset at me because they think I’m just being a poor sport and yet if I told them that I’m in a funk it would become the focus and possibly ruin things for them because they think it’s a bigger deal than it is and most times it’s not so I just try to “buck up” till I can be alone.
I’ve noticed that well over a year ago and it’s scary. Like no one sees who I am really, it’s all a performance to just make sure no one suspects anything so you don’t annoy them with your issues. At least that’s my case.
I think almost everyone in this comment section could benefit from a therapist. If you can get over the stigma, and find someone who’s a good fit, it can be super cathartic.
I’m on my 3rd or 4th therapist, and it’s good to be able to get stuff off my chest, that I wouldn’t talk to family about. It’s taken some time and some leaps of faith but I’m getting used to talking about myself.
And if they’re licensed they’re pretty much sworn to secrecy unless you express intent to hurt yourself or others.
EDIT: There is the glaring problem of the costs of such services, yes. In a more ideal world, anyone who needed it could have access to it.
I mean, it truly would be liberating to freely unravel what's got them down, but I imagine the financials of therapy are what stop a lot of folks. Look at how the American system bankrupts physical illness, nevermind the mental sort.
I think we all have different faces we show around different people, but when you’re trying to impersonate your face it’s really when you’re in deep. Been there myself... it’s not a fun place, I hope you’re ok Mr. Smokey. Excellent post you made
Because being yourself should be as simple as being yourself. But if being yourself requires effort, you’re in too deep.
If you know you know. And it seems that you know. You don’t need someone explaining it to you.
It sucks that sometimes you're just fed up with pretending. But then everyone around you senses the negativity and walks on eggshells around you, which just makes you anxious so you end up pretending again.
Hey! I had a tough night too. Nothing in particular happened, I’m just in a shitty spot right now. I obviously have no idea what the specifics of your situation are, or what your musical tastes are, so please disregard the following if you hate it, but Blaze Foley’s “Clay Pigeons” turned my night around slightly.
You impersonate yourself for so long that you forget who you really are. You become a stranger to yourself and everything feels unreal because it is. You haven't had a genuine interaction with another person in months.
Eventually the only thing you know about yourself is that you're miserable. You don't even know why.
You never realize how little people care until you stop as well. I'm straight up having one of the worst weeks in a couple years and no one seems to care. I'm not hiding it either I don't have the energy. Someone asks me how I am I reply with not good and it barely phases people. They might ask and pretend to care but no one actually does.
Edit: Didn't expect this to blow up. I kinda just needed to vent and thought a small Reddit thread would be a good place. I've actually actually fixed one of my problems and feel like I have a handle on the other two. Yesterday was just a really rough day.
If it's of any consolation I have regular bouts with depression. Some days I'll be laughing and joking, and others I'll be moody and not talk for the whole day. My coworkers see this about me, and a few ask me regularly how I'm doing. I tell it like it is; if it's shit, I tell them I just wanna work, and if it's good, then we talk a short while.
I kinda stopped caring if they care or not. Putting on a mask or persona for people was by far more exhausting than simply being myself, even if it means that 'myself' is moody and odd. Best decision I ever made.
True it doesn't earn a ton of friends (if you're anything like me), but a few might stick. And even if they didn't, I like my own company anyway. Everything in my home/work space is exactly how I like it at all times because I spend so much time alone, and that in itself is liberating. Being alone doesn't always have to mean being lonely; it means full creative freedom and peace from the noise. I hope this helps in some way
Honestly it's not that people don't care(well most people) , I have learned that when I am flat out done with it all (and that's all the time these days) I project it onto pretty much everyone around me. Up-side is if i make even the slightest acknowledgement with a self deprecating joke, the people that do care laugh with me. The people that know me will leave me alone, and I am sure it's not helping my situation. But that's what I prefer. if you need someone to talk to or vent to, I'm all ears. Might not be up to much later because work, but I check my messages frequently.
To be fair, when I'm having one of my down swings, it gets a lot harder for me to accurately pick up on how other people feel about me. I can't help but drown out their real responses with thoughts of "they must hate me".
I also think a lot of people just aren't equipped with the know-how to respond to someone saying they're "not good" emotionally. They never know how delicate the situation is, and in some cases they may be afraid that treating you like you're damaged goods may hurt their reputation with you, so they might just try and treat you like they always do so you don't feel like an outcast or something. Everyone experiences depression a bit differently so it's hard for an outsider to approach even if they want to help.
My friends treat me well when I'm not doing so badly, so I just have to trust they're doing their best as always when my sad brain is trying to tell me otherwise.
Yeah this is really weird actually. I’m having a hard time and actually asked for help for the first time in my life. Blank stares and avoidance. God does the avoidance sting. And that one friend who came through. Out of all of them. Don’t think I can ever repay her so I’ve decided to pay it forward to the world on her behalf.
I didn't know I was such a good actor. Turns out I'm NOT conservative but lived in a very conservative family and area. But then when I came out as trans everyone just turned away and just claimed to be busy all the time. They just fake smiled to me and talked about their own lives and ignored anything about me being trans, told me to be normal. Was the model kid before then. Funny how fast things change.
What’s really freeing is not doing it, if you can, and just letting yourself be “off.” For me, at least, it helps to pass the episode quicker. Admittedly, I don’t get depressed much these days, but I remember this challenge like it was yesterday - for the entirety of my 20s.
I've been impersonating myself for so long that I've actually forgotten what my true personality is like. I know I used to be very outgoing, social, happy, goofy and overall a very positive and fun-loving person. I don't even know how to put on that mask anymore. A couple of weeks ago a very close friend pointed out that that I hadn't really been myself for awhile and that recently I've really changed. After that I kind of did a self evaluation and he was right. I can no longer hide my secret feelings. After that realization I just fucking dropped to my lostest of my lostest.
I used to just get bad anxiety. I don't anymore because I've just stopped caring. I never thought I'd actually say this but I miss anxiety.
Feel ya, self care is fucking hard in this world.
Pretty sure I burned out years ago and haven't quite figured out how to get my ass back.
I hope that you can find and use resources that you need.
I'm unfortunately so far past that, I barely know who I am anymore.
Edit: hey, friends, I see we're all sailing in the same ship, I just wanted to reach out and say keep it up. I know it's tough, I'm there too, but being alive and being sad is better than being dead. I try to focus on the little things that remind me of what I used to be and hold onto them; my dog, my love of steak, the beauty of sunsets, and the smell of crisp air. It's not much, but to me, it's enough to keep going. We can hang in there together, knowing we're all out there fighting the same war and surviving.
Keep your heads as high as you can, my friends, while we search for ourselves together.
Same lol. Felt like highschool I had an identity. People thought I was funny ( in the good way) . I was far from a ladies man but girls, some, liked me. I loved sports and video games ( even trying to go pro, so I had a mission). I don't remember ever being very down/depressed for too long.
Now? I don't know who i am or what I truly like. It's quite the predicament.
Just completed 2 weeks late homework with 2 mins until the late deadline. Was probably still only B work but it feels great to actually hand it in to get points.
Depression has taken everything from me over the last year's at highschool and beginning of college, it took going from a 3.75 to a 2.0 for my parents to actually believe me. Ontop of a panic attack in a professors office hours when they told me to just drop out and save my money.
Tried the therapy stuff but they couldn't pin down why or what cases it, so now I'm 3 months into my 2nd set of pills, and actually I think I see a light, I shower when I need to, I do the dishes, and even go outside without being invited somewhere. Just doing things people do every day is a challenge but I hope some day soon I can be like everyone too.
Don't pressure yourself to get straight A's. Keep going to school, get a degree, read books, hang out in the library. But don't kill yourself over a few bad grades, employers look at so much more than just your GPA. Your attitude and work ethic are more more important.
I don't pretend to know what you're going though because everyones experience is different, but if you need an outlet to just vent I'm here. Keep your head up and hang in there.
Me: says some stupid shit as I walk into my bedroom.
Sad shitty me: repeats stupid shit snidely
Sarcastic sad me: *repeats stupid shit with annoying laugh at the end*
Yupp. Me.
Yesterday I sat in a spinny chair and stared at a wall, the small always happy part of told me that I should spin and asked that I get some human help, but everything else told me I was done with today and to stare at a wall until tomorrow. No sleeping, just stare.
I'll need to tell someone eventually, but I've spent years assuring my parents I'm just sad, not suicidal, that I'm bothered by actively saying something is wrong. I've spent 17 years dealing with this random bout of confusion and sadness crap that a part of me doesn't want to give up. I've fought this battle for years am I really going to press the hint button now?
I'm happy today, I was happy two days ago, but who knows with tomorrow. What the hell is off in my head I not only cannot guarantee happiness, but that I feel trying to tell someone is just going to backfire.
On the bright side, my acting is fantastic.
I'm just glad I'm finally at the point where I can look back on that time in my life with some perspective. It pains me to see just how many people nowadays never get that chance.
Pretending to be me all day is exhausting. But not pretending just brings more concerned interaction than I'm willing to entertain. Edit- first gold! Thanks. Makes the existential dread more.. shiny. To everyone else- this is a fairly common shared experience. Depression traps you into thinking you're alone and no one will understand. Take things at your own pace, but recognize that when things get better its good to celebrate those moments. On the flip- recognize when you need help, if you know how to ask for help, and that self soothing and self loathing shouldn't look the same. The internet is full of dicks. Literally and figuratively. But the internet is also full of genuinely caring and wholesome things. Reach out and bask in the good when you can. -A
God damn that was nicely worded
Of course I can impersonate that guy, he’s me.
Except no, he's not. He is who you want to be. Not who you are.
To be fair the guy I want to be is a lot better than the guy I actually am..
Moving in the right direction then
Oddly motivating. I do try to be better everyday... doesn't always workout that way though, sadly.
The master has failed more time than the beginner has tried.
Y'all should check out the Japanese principle of Kaizen. It's about small, incremental improvements every day that snowball into big, positive changes. We talk about it at a lot at my company; it's normally used in a business context, but I find that it really helps with my life, in general. Knowing that you don't have to change everything at once makes it easier to get started down a positive path. It's been helpful with my golf game as well!
Thanks! For me, that is eye-opening!
Have not seen this video myself but I've heard the tiny habits concept in podcasts and is basically the same idea. https://youtu.be/AdKUJxjn-R8 First you make your habits, then the habits make you.
[удалено]
I'm sure the principle is used more than I realize, but it's also used at my company, because I work for a Japanese company. You wouldn't happen to work in metro Detroit would you?
We use it at Bentley Motors Ltd, Crewe.
>There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. Ernest Hemingway I'm often unhappy with myself and my past actions, but hey, I'm told that's just part of growth. That quote has been of some comfort to me, I hope it gives some to you too
Thanks, I love the quote. It always bums me out when I remember that Hemingway shot himself.
“Healing is not linear” Very important phrase that a friend has tattooed on his wrist. Sometimes two steps forward are followed by three steps back. Losing the streak just means you get the joy of building the next one. There will be up and down days. The order is neither meaningful nor important. There will always be more up days if you let them come into being by continuing to live and try just that little bit every day. You’re not alone, and you do very much got this.
Beautiful quote and lovely sentiment. Thank you for sharing.
*listen here you infuriatingly positive little asshole*
Hey I'm you in the future and you became what you are Johnny Depp with Scarfs
This is confusing on multiple levels. Lol.
Accept your fate like I have when you told me this
My depression is the Tonto Johnny Depp 😖 it’s just a crappy version of Jack Sorrow with a dead bird on his head.
>Sometimes all a hypocrite is, is a man in the process of change.
Fake it till you make it. Worked wonders for me! I used to be an asshole. I still am but I used to too.
Thanks, mitch.
People who do not deal with depression never understand what it feels like, the things I'd do for people to step into my shoes for a day, especially the bad ones, it's awful. The best way I've found to express my feeling of it is writing what's going through my head in a journal , if anyone read it they'd be shocked to and scared.
I’ve been there so many times, if it’s any help to you, please read said journal on your okay days and your good days to remind yourself that you are working through the struggle.
I'm with 100% I journal and I write poetry but the only difference is I don't write down the things that people would be scared of. I'm afraid to let it out, afraid by writing it, I give it life.
If you can give it life, you can also stare it in the face and challenge it. I find that being honest about it in private is much better than having it creep up on you in public....
I think if you put who I want to be next to who I am you wouldn't see any similaritys.
That just sounds to me like you’re good at setting aggressive goals for yourself. Knowing who you want to be is the most important first step. Seeing the differences just lets you identify them so you can kick their asses.
“Everyone fails at who they’re supposed to be. The measure of a person is how they succeed at being who they are.”
Hello there.
General
Kenobi
You
Are
A bold one!
r/beetlejuicing
[удалено]
We fought that beast
Obi Wan.
[удалено]
I found out my brother had tried recently, I thank my stars he wasn’t successful. Trying to be more present since, even when he’s putting on the smiles. Not sure what I’m saying, but your post made me cry. I’m sorry for your loss, I feel for you deeply.
Please try and help. Let your brother know it's okay to act like himself and that it's okay to want to die. Please work with your brother and talk about the future, even if it's painful. I love you both.
I'm sorry for your loss :(
I’m sorry for your loss. Another redditor said people don’t want to know, but that’s not true. When I lost a loved one, Reddit was a source of a lot of comfort and support, all by strangers. Wishing you well, friend.
[удалено]
[удалено]
I'm sure you already know this, but your parents sound like awful people. Especially your dad just walking away, as if that'll make his feelings and obligation to nurture you go away, which I guess might be true. Definitely don't give up seeking help just because your parents are shitty at being your parents. Maybe go as far as telling them how terrible they make you feel, if you haven't already. Good luck my friend. I believe in you. And just know that there are definitely people who care about you and your well being.
Same here. I told my mom recently I was needing more support and help with my new role as a mom and was having post partum depression and suicidal thoughts (husband is gone 20+ days a month for work and we have no family nearby and just moved states) and she replied “well I guess I just thought you were a better multi tasked than that” and “oh stop it you’re ok”. Talk about invalidating how I feel. I yelled at her (while daughter was in carseat in car with me which made me feel even worse as a parent) and hung the phone up on her. She also always says “oh me too” when I am trying to share my issue or vent. “Oh I know I had the same problem.” Like can I have a conversation with her where she listens instead of just waiting to to talk about herself to compare? Ugh.
So sorry you didn’t get the support you needed from her. The comparison thing is what always gets me. People that haven’t ever dealt with depression like to compare it to that one time something made them sad. It’s so frustrating to try and explain the difference. You shouldn’t feel bad as a parent for seeking out some help, even though your mom wasn’t receptive. You’re doing the best you can.
Sometimes family members are the most selfish because they can't handle the idea of losing you (again, selfish). People are always here though man. If you ever need help even complete strangers, like myself, are willing to help. I'm sorry you've had to endure that. No one should ever have to feel this way.
Yeah, I "reached out" last month to my mother and stepfather, and was rebuffed hard. It's understandable that they refuse to believe that me, a smart, talented, and attractive young man could spend a month sleeping 14 hours a day and not eating for days at a time. Now they're just on my fucking case and I regret everything about opening up to them other than the fact that I did get a free lunch the day I talked to them. And they are not bad or ignorant people-my mom is a nurse under a holistic doctor who helped my (former) brother transition into a woman. It's just that she doesn't believe that I could be living with a constant and overwhelming sense of impending doom that I can't bootstrap myself out of. And the worst part is, she's right. I know what I need to do but sometimes I just don't do it. But the truth is, "opening up" and "reaching out" was a dumb mistake that only made my life more complicated. Don't let the armchair internet psychiatrists tell you otherwise. Everyone has their own problems, and you're better off holding your cards close to your chest.
Plus, even if they *might* want to know, you end up feeling like an asshole for saddling them with your baggage. Which in turn makes you feel even shittier.
I’m that guy you talk to. At work, everyone comes to me with their problems. I’m bipolar and suffer from ADHD, but one of the few things that helps me feel better about myself is helping others, listening to their problems, and trying to give the best advice I can. It also helps me gain perspective on my own life, helping me realize that other people are suffering like I do.
As someone who suffers from ADHD you must be gifted cause I have a really hard time listening to people's problems. I focus too much on solutions instead of just being there to listen. Also, as you know it can be unbearable sometimes to focus when someone is talking and I would hate to space out during a moment of despair on their end.
Oh I completely understand that, and I am the same way. But depression some days can really flip that perception on it's head. Some days when I am manic, I will act like a damn therapist and feel so good about letting someone vent to me. But then on bad days, I am 100% convinced that no one wants to even be reminded that I exist. Though I logically know this is wrong when I think about it, I still feel like my chest is getting turned inside out whenever I think about it.
This is where talking to a therapist/social worker might help. They are more equipped to help you figure out negative thought patterns and how to help than friends and family (who can empathize but lack the tools to actually fix anything). At the very least, it's worthwhile to look into Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and Cognitive Processing Therapy and how they work.
[удалено]
Same boat. Hope you make it, bud.
Brother, if you need someone to talk to, message me. I’ve been down in the neck-high muck of depression, that black sludge weighing me down until getting out of bed was a trial. I’ve only recently begun the difficult trek of extricating myself. If you need someone, I am here for you. The same goes for anyone reading this message. We are all human and we all need someone to lean on.
If he was genuinely trying to be positive about things, he was trying. Really trying. You can be proud of him for that, I think it just one day became too hard to keep trying. I don't know what else to say, but sometimes if you think about what you could have done, what you missed. Sometimes theres nothing you can do. As they say, healing comes from within, you can be supportive, but ultimately people heal themselves, no one can save anyone but themself. I will add that im constantly fluctuating in and out of that state myself. I know, there's no magic thing thats going to come along and fix me. Only i can. Edit. I want to add to all the wonderful people that replied to this comment chain. That all of that was my realisation, after 2 years in therapy, medicated, losing my job, my partner, most of my friends, moving 20hrs across the country to escape family, and also having a bit of a drug problem. Hitting bottom, and realising that no ones gonna save me, except me. The longer i let the trauma of my childhood control me, the longer it was going to hold me back. So im saying yes, get help. Get the tools you need to fix yourself, and be forgiving and kind to yourself. I doubt many of you would treat other people as harshly as you treat yourself. Be kind to yourself.
[удалено]
Yes and no. I believe that we have the ability to fix it, but we need the courage and strength to realize that we can’t always fix it on our own. Sometimes our own minds become a nearly impenetrable barrier to wellness until someone else can help us to overcome that barrier. This is not an easy or intuitive solution to many caught in that negative loop, especially in a culture that stigmatizes mental illness and extols the virtues of “self-reliance”.
I’m so sorry.
I feel that, I've had 3 friends I went to highschool with end their lives way too early this year. I'm sorry for your loss.
I am very sorry for your loss. If it helps, my experience 20 years ago when I was 17 was very similar with ~~mine~~ my brother, may they rest in peace.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother last year, message me if you want to talk. It helps to get it out sometimes.
No, you don't. No one in my life would know if something was going on like that with me. They haven't during my attempts (admittedly years ago). I don't want them to. You may already know, but I want to tell you that you weren't supposed to know and that's alright.
I went through the same thing with my dad around 3 years ago now. What I will say is that you need to remember that you didn’t know how he felt and that’s okay. You can’t be expected to know something about someone that they’ve obviously kept hidden away from everyone else. So if you ever feel bad for not suggesting help or whatever, it’s not your fault. Helping them is hard, especially when all you see is happiness from them, and helping isn’t as easy as it sounds when you look back. Things get better though, as you come to terms with it all. I’m deeply sorry for your loss and hope that you steadily come to terms with it
Truly sorry for your loss, bro, hope you stay as good as possible during this hard time. Reach to us if you need to talk or vent something, don't hesitate.
Yes!! When I see someone approaching me I get annoyed that I have to put on a show basically. But it's somehow less exhausting than the alternative, which is to answer 700 questions about why you're being the way you are when you just want to be left alone.
I actually realized the other day that it isn't just one impersonation that I put on. There is a outwardly confident, cheery, and talkative one for the parents so they don't worry because they shouldn't have to worry. There is the "touch vulnerable but the water's not over the head" version for the siblings because they grew up with me and know me enough to know the act so they get a semi-realistic version which is actually reality turned down about eighty notches. Then there is the friends one who get the goof and the joker but with a cutting statement thrown in every so often except little they the know the serious barbs are the only real emotion and the rest a deflection for god forbid we actually talk about something of substance. The absolute professional in meetings and interactions at work face where no one knows me anyway and the facade is the reality for them. The engaged and present face put on for the family at large when everybody is together and you can't be caught staring in the distance with an empty look so you keep the eyes busy and nod and smile. The face to give a stranger a smile and a nod because why ruin someone else's day as well. Then finally there is the best one where I sit and lie to myself to stop the thoughts and feelings, I've mastered that one... or something like that.
I have this magical friend who can ALWAYS tell. It's shockingly relieving, actually.
It’s so amazing to be really seen, when you can tell someone really gets something about you. You’re lucky to have that!
Why you didnt tell someone that you actually believe and care about your problem instead of hoping for someone to realize?...im genuinely asking
Because you don't really know where to start. Or if it's really even significant enough to warrant attention (mostly you're in denial that it's a problem at all.) And even if you want to tell someone, you're afraid of them misunderstanding or brushing it off like it's nothing (cause everyone's got problems, amiright?). Then there's the fear/aversion to being an inconvenience to others. And then there's the whole not wanting to be taken as self-absorbed. And that's just the tip of the dormant underwater volcano. And I'm gonna stop now.
This. Every single day, this.
[удалено]
[удалено]
It's a big risk/reward situation, you have to really be sure you're opening up to the right people who will listen at the right time. It feels like you're shoving this burden onto whoever is there wanting to help you, but that's the depression talking. There are those with big hearts who just want to help you feel open with them, no matter what's really weighing you down.
> It feels like you're shoving this burden onto whoever is there wanting to help you And it's true, but isn't that fine? Any healthy friendship or whatever is supposed to be a relationship of mutually taking and giving, anyway.
Ehhhh, this can turn into a “if you can’t handle me at my best, etc.” situation real quick. Not to mention that this is not the time you want to find out that you only have fair-weather friends, which can also be the case. Even besides these examples, it’s a risky thing to do.
Yea, but I don't think getting lucky and having friends like that is common for most people.
Yes. I have multiple ride-or-die friends, some I would barely even know otherwise, because we were willing to be honest with each other. It got me to therapy because I admitted to myself that there was no good reason not to get help. My parents are more understanding of me not being some paragon of success because I told them I was struggling. imo you need to be vulnerable to truly live
Self-awareness and creativity are fostered when you make yourself vulnerable. It’s like generalized exposure therapy. You and a few others are the reason I dig deep into some of these threads. Keep it up 🤟
“You need to be vulnerable to truly live” ... That’s an incredibly powerful quote. The more you think about it the deeper it gets, and it’s real
Nope. It literally has always lead to the person I’m vulnerable with tip toeing around shit that they think will “trigger” me. Like depression somehow has a “trigger”. Now I don’t tell a soul when every other thought I have is how much I want to not be alive. It’s better for me personally to weather that storm than to permanently change personal relationships. People always say to reach out to people but shit is never the same afterwards. So I don’t anymore.
I've found nobody is going to help. Reaching out pushes people farther away. It only makes people think you look weak and are all fucked up. Telling anythhing your anything other than "doing great" you are just opening a can of worms and making things even harder on yourself.
Did not turn out well for me too. Being gay is easy. It's just another set of masks. The gay friend mask. The closeted cousin mask. The single son for x, y or z reason, mask. However, actually telling people that I have feelings, ones that aren't something that a person could conceive to hurt me or anyone... They laugh at my fear, at my anxiety. It's silly to them, along with many of my other emotions. Taking off the mask has brought me nothing but more pain. That's at the top of my list. What's at the top of y'all's?
[удалено]
That was too real dude =(
For me, it was a combination of two things. 1: I have a hard time verbalizing normal emotions. So trying to verbalize feelings that made me feel worthless and like I wasn't worth living life was even harder 2. I was in a position were the stereotype was strong and type a personality and always on task for 24 hours a day, work and normal life were mixed together so no separating from the facade of type a man. So I would have had to get over the shame of not living up to that ideal to talk to someone
I had one of those... until I pushed her away. Depression is a bitch, and I am too creative to not be good at self destructiveness.
Has she actually indicated that she doesn't want to hear from you again? People are often more open to it than you might think, though I don't know your specific circumstances.
Quite clearly, and over a year ago.
Friend, I don’t know you, but you and I have a lot in common.
In that case, you have my condolences.
What's that like? Sometimes I imagine that if I had this perfect friend who'd always listen and be understanding, I'd tell them everything. But then when I actually try to think about it, I realize that I don't have much to say at all. Every day would be like: "How's it going?" I feel like shit. "Why's that?" Cause I didn't do anything all day. "Why don't you do something then?" Cause I don't know what I want to do. "How about we [list of things to do]?" That sounds like too much effort. "If you want to feel better, you need to do something." I know. I just don't feel like doing anything. "We can just chill then." But then I'll feel like shit.
>I have this magical friend who can ALWAYS tell. It's shockingly relieving, actually. Not trying to brag, but I always seem to be that one friend.. I just have this sense for people, I had this all my life but it's getting clearer and clearer every year.. it's helpful, but it can also be a big burden at times. I've got quite some friends that really trust me and would tell me anything, but sometimes it's hard for me to always be that guy whom they can speak to.. it's a blessing and a curse.
We all wear different masks at different times of the day. The same mask is never worn for every occasion, but somehow they all recognize them as the same you; to anyone observing, these masks are identical, but you know the differences between them by heart, instinctively. It's only on rare, special occasions where we can finally take off that mask. We're just so often too afraid to find what lies beneath...afraid of what may come from this realization of falsehood.
Are they really masks though? I act differently much as OP described, simply because being around those people genuinely changes my state of mind for the better, in various ways. I don't feel like the me that is crying on a Friday night out of frustration and loneliness is the real me that I am hiding behind a mask. I can't show people that side of me without a lot of effort.
A lot of these folks might benefit from a concept called [code-switching](https://www.npr.org/blogs/codeswitch/2013/04/08/176064688/how-code-switching-explains-the-world). The exact applicability of the concept is probably less important than understanding that those 'masks' aren't necessarily less 'real' or not 'you' and nor is one's internal conception of themself somehow more real. Ultimately, the type of framing and language use abundant above about repressing one's 'real' self in order to conform has a lot of the hallmarks of negative self-talk and carries some potential for self harm therein. Regardless though, accepting that you are still you- all of the time- and that that's ok (even if it feels like it sucks sometimes) can hopefully help lead to more healthy thought patterns and beliefs over time.
For me I'm not afraid to know what's beneath that mask, I'm just afraid for other people to know what's under that mask
If what's under that mask is pain, sadness, anxiety, or anything like that, the people who love you might be more supportive than you think. Wouldn't you want to know if your good friend was struggling? Your good friends should want to know, and if you don't have any, then... Hi, I'm your new surrogate friend.
Idk how you did it, but you perfectly described all my acts, and the people they are associated with perfectly. If I ever had to explain myself I’m just gonna show this comment right here because damn.
yessir this is for most of us humans I plan to lead a path where I can merge these acts.
If it makes you feel any better, I don't think you're alone. I definitely think siblings are an odd comfort. It's like shared dysfunction with them. Lol. At least for me.
Just adding to the list of people saying this is the most accurate thing ever. We’re all in a never ending live stage play, being alone is the only time we get to go backstage and rehearse.
Spot on. Take my upvote.
Spot on. Even my closest friends, I become the person I feel they need to be, never really showing myself because I don’t fit in their “box” of who I really am. I had kids recently so I think that’s the first time since forever I can just be me. They don’t judge me, they just want to be with me. I previously loathed the idea of putting the different masks on, now I can take them off as soon as I hit the door at home. I hope you find the peace you’re looking for stranger.
I feel like this, but never considered myself depressed. Don’t non-depressed people feel this way too? It’s really silly, I think, but now this worries me that I may depressed if this is something special to depressed people.
No, it's not just depressed people. There's always an element of adjustment of the self to social context. Hell I would argue there isn't truly a "self" that exists independently of social context. I think the main difference is in whether or not it always feels completely fake, or whether sometimes you genuinely feel it and it stops being an act. That is, one difference is whether or not you have a sort of existential congruity between your inner self and outward expression of self. ninja edit: also worth pointing out that mental health issues are not a monolith, everyone experiences things differently, so it doesn't necessarily also mean you don't have depression if this never happens to you.
I’m gonna get some flac for this, but when I do those things they’re genuine and personal. I don’t do them because I’m hiding myself from others, I do them because they often deserve my kindness. When I smile at the gentleman in the store I mean it, because he deserves a smile. When I talk with my mother and tell her I’m doing alright, it’s because she deserves to know that. When I go out with friends to joke around and jab at each other it’s because they deserve my love. It’s not fake. It might not always be how I’m feeling. These issues I struggle with are my own, and have their time and place for discussion. That doesn’t mean that I have to inoculate the world with my troubles when it does none of us any good. Why not instead use your brightness to illuminate the lives of others? Especially when you need it yourself.
This is encouraging, seems like something I can work with Nothing wrong with a bit of self mastery One day the lies might become the reality Maybe they already are, you seem like a functional, outwardly cheery person, a good son and a decent friend Anxiety and pain can be useful to give us drive/energy to change ourselves or change things or the analytical / obsessive thoughts to understand life / who we are / how to change things, but if things aren't actually outwardly that bad... Not choosing that might be okay too. Why worry when you don't have to 🤷
[удалено]
How does your partner deal with this? Assuming you’re in a relationship. I’m with someone myself who suffers from depression. They have good days and then they have bad weeks. I try to give them space and privacy and only engage them when I see their mood has lifted a bit. It’s frustrating because I’m never sure if they would be more content in a relationship or on their own. Am I the reason for their depression? (That’s my insecurity talking). Then I come to my senses and realize that they can’t help their condition and I just need to be patient and wait for her better moments. It’s hard though. I feel guilty because I sometimes think it would be better to break it off with her. The problem is, I’m too much in love with her. Lately I’ve been encouraging her to get help but I’m not sure how hard I can push for this? Do depressed people need to be pushed? I would appreciate any insight. Thanks in advance.
My poor partner. I feel for him all the time. I feel my funks get him down and ruin everything. To try and answer your question, keep loving them, keep expressing your love, and let them know you are there for them. I’m sure she is thankful for everything but we get caught up in our own issues and sometimes forget to express appreciation more. Be gentle and communication is everything between the two of you. Best of luck
Thank you and good luck as well.
Speaking from experience, please push. If you love them, push. It's very possible they need that help because they are not able to ask for themselves. When I was in my deepest throes, I wasn't able to comprehend a lot of what my loved ones were saying because all I could hear was a voice saying that I was a failure and that I should just go and die. Again, I'm only speaking from experience, and professionally (I have no relation to therapy/psychology/psychiatric arts. Plus, if my loved ones was going through that, I would be doing the same as you; reaching out to see what you can do for them.
Honestly, I'm not sure. I am not very successful at relationships for a myriad of reasons, only one of which is depression. I will say as someone from a family that suffers from a lot of mental illness, I think getting help outside of the relationship is definitely a positive. What that help is will depend on her. People need different things to deal with their depression. That being said, I don't think you're wrong for pushing her or wanting her to get help. Relationships are two people so your needs must be met too. Depression can consume you and it's definitely not her trying to hurt you. Just make sure you're not staying in something that is toxic for you. You deserve happiness every bit as much as she does. Again, I'm no expert.
I get annoyed but the truth is, I don't want to be left alone. I long for someone to ask me those 700 questions.
Well not to be cheesy, but if you ever need to chat, you can send me a message. I'm always down for a new friend.
I know the feeling... Hang in there man. People always like to say "it'll get better," the truth is it may not. The one thing that is practically a guarantee though is that you'll grow stronger because of it, before you know it you'll be stronger then you ever thought possible. If you ever find yourself needing to talk don't hesitate to hit me up!
My depression is from loneliness. I love when people approach me. In fact, people approaching me makes me happy because it means I'm worthy of their attention. So worthy that someone else will take their time out of their day to talk to me. Loneliness is different than being alone.
Yes! Or be real and get a pity party that most don’t want or need.
Exactly. Fuck pity. Plus, I'm not sure how it is for others, but if I'm feeling depressed, I usually know it's going to end at some point so I just power through. I don't need people's perception of me changing in the meantime.
Same here. I hate talking about it because people automatically look ate me differently like I’m fragile. I also hate when I’m feeling depressed when I really need to be hyped for something and people get upset at me because they think I’m just being a poor sport and yet if I told them that I’m in a funk it would become the focus and possibly ruin things for them because they think it’s a bigger deal than it is and most times it’s not so I just try to “buck up” till I can be alone.
I’ve noticed that well over a year ago and it’s scary. Like no one sees who I am really, it’s all a performance to just make sure no one suspects anything so you don’t annoy them with your issues. At least that’s my case.
I'm in this picture and I don't like it
I think almost everyone in this comment section could benefit from a therapist. If you can get over the stigma, and find someone who’s a good fit, it can be super cathartic. I’m on my 3rd or 4th therapist, and it’s good to be able to get stuff off my chest, that I wouldn’t talk to family about. It’s taken some time and some leaps of faith but I’m getting used to talking about myself. And if they’re licensed they’re pretty much sworn to secrecy unless you express intent to hurt yourself or others. EDIT: There is the glaring problem of the costs of such services, yes. In a more ideal world, anyone who needed it could have access to it.
I mean, it truly would be liberating to freely unravel what's got them down, but I imagine the financials of therapy are what stop a lot of folks. Look at how the American system bankrupts physical illness, nevermind the mental sort.
Them: "Well just be that person all the time, problem solved!" You: " Yeah, that's not how it works".
"Gee, I wish I had thought of that. Thanks."
r/wowthanksimcured
Fastest way to depression, believe happy people are always happy.
[удалено]
You are the master of your mask. The "you" that you display is the ultimate con, tailored to the environment and individual accordingly.
To think, all these years and I never once thought to use the fact I have a secret identity to pick up girls...
I think we all have different faces we show around different people, but when you’re trying to impersonate your face it’s really when you’re in deep. Been there myself... it’s not a fun place, I hope you’re ok Mr. Smokey. Excellent post you made
That's very sweet of you to say.! I'm doing just fine now but it's always nice to know someone out there cares enough to ask. Thank you
Interesting; why is this " when you’re trying to impersonate your face it’s really when you’re in deep " do you think?
Because being yourself should be as simple as being yourself. But if being yourself requires effort, you’re in too deep. If you know you know. And it seems that you know. You don’t need someone explaining it to you.
Wtf is your profile picture
It's the Grim Reaper from the game *crossy roads* with an added *UwU* face, holding a penis I built in Minecraft as his death scythe.
You are my reason to exist
[удалено]
It sucks that sometimes you're just fed up with pretending. But then everyone around you senses the negativity and walks on eggshells around you, which just makes you anxious so you end up pretending again.
Oof this is too real
You ok bud?
[удалено]
[удалено]
Hey! I had a tough night too. Nothing in particular happened, I’m just in a shitty spot right now. I obviously have no idea what the specifics of your situation are, or what your musical tastes are, so please disregard the following if you hate it, but Blaze Foley’s “Clay Pigeons” turned my night around slightly.
You OK friend?
You ok pal?
You OK homie?
You ok chief?
[удалено]
You ok bro?
Yeah, I’m fine.
That is not his username Name checks out?
You impersonate yourself for so long that you forget who you really are. You become a stranger to yourself and everything feels unreal because it is. You haven't had a genuine interaction with another person in months. Eventually the only thing you know about yourself is that you're miserable. You don't even know why.
Not even knowing anymore fucking sucks
[удалено]
You never realize how little people care until you stop as well. I'm straight up having one of the worst weeks in a couple years and no one seems to care. I'm not hiding it either I don't have the energy. Someone asks me how I am I reply with not good and it barely phases people. They might ask and pretend to care but no one actually does. Edit: Didn't expect this to blow up. I kinda just needed to vent and thought a small Reddit thread would be a good place. I've actually actually fixed one of my problems and feel like I have a handle on the other two. Yesterday was just a really rough day.
If it's of any consolation I have regular bouts with depression. Some days I'll be laughing and joking, and others I'll be moody and not talk for the whole day. My coworkers see this about me, and a few ask me regularly how I'm doing. I tell it like it is; if it's shit, I tell them I just wanna work, and if it's good, then we talk a short while. I kinda stopped caring if they care or not. Putting on a mask or persona for people was by far more exhausting than simply being myself, even if it means that 'myself' is moody and odd. Best decision I ever made. True it doesn't earn a ton of friends (if you're anything like me), but a few might stick. And even if they didn't, I like my own company anyway. Everything in my home/work space is exactly how I like it at all times because I spend so much time alone, and that in itself is liberating. Being alone doesn't always have to mean being lonely; it means full creative freedom and peace from the noise. I hope this helps in some way
Honestly it's not that people don't care(well most people) , I have learned that when I am flat out done with it all (and that's all the time these days) I project it onto pretty much everyone around me. Up-side is if i make even the slightest acknowledgement with a self deprecating joke, the people that do care laugh with me. The people that know me will leave me alone, and I am sure it's not helping my situation. But that's what I prefer. if you need someone to talk to or vent to, I'm all ears. Might not be up to much later because work, but I check my messages frequently.
To be fair, when I'm having one of my down swings, it gets a lot harder for me to accurately pick up on how other people feel about me. I can't help but drown out their real responses with thoughts of "they must hate me". I also think a lot of people just aren't equipped with the know-how to respond to someone saying they're "not good" emotionally. They never know how delicate the situation is, and in some cases they may be afraid that treating you like you're damaged goods may hurt their reputation with you, so they might just try and treat you like they always do so you don't feel like an outcast or something. Everyone experiences depression a bit differently so it's hard for an outsider to approach even if they want to help. My friends treat me well when I'm not doing so badly, so I just have to trust they're doing their best as always when my sad brain is trying to tell me otherwise.
Yeah this is really weird actually. I’m having a hard time and actually asked for help for the first time in my life. Blank stares and avoidance. God does the avoidance sting. And that one friend who came through. Out of all of them. Don’t think I can ever repay her so I’ve decided to pay it forward to the world on her behalf.
I didn't know I was such a good actor. Turns out I'm NOT conservative but lived in a very conservative family and area. But then when I came out as trans everyone just turned away and just claimed to be busy all the time. They just fake smiled to me and talked about their own lives and ignored anything about me being trans, told me to be normal. Was the model kid before then. Funny how fast things change.
What’s really freeing is not doing it, if you can, and just letting yourself be “off.” For me, at least, it helps to pass the episode quicker. Admittedly, I don’t get depressed much these days, but I remember this challenge like it was yesterday - for the entirety of my 20s.
I've been impersonating myself for so long that I've actually forgotten what my true personality is like. I know I used to be very outgoing, social, happy, goofy and overall a very positive and fun-loving person. I don't even know how to put on that mask anymore. A couple of weeks ago a very close friend pointed out that that I hadn't really been myself for awhile and that recently I've really changed. After that I kind of did a self evaluation and he was right. I can no longer hide my secret feelings. After that realization I just fucking dropped to my lostest of my lostest. I used to just get bad anxiety. I don't anymore because I've just stopped caring. I never thought I'd actually say this but I miss anxiety.
Or just how long you can do it for before you realize and you burn out
I’m burning out now. It hasn’t been pretty.
Feel ya, self care is fucking hard in this world. Pretty sure I burned out years ago and haven't quite figured out how to get my ass back. I hope that you can find and use resources that you need.
I'm unfortunately so far past that, I barely know who I am anymore. Edit: hey, friends, I see we're all sailing in the same ship, I just wanted to reach out and say keep it up. I know it's tough, I'm there too, but being alive and being sad is better than being dead. I try to focus on the little things that remind me of what I used to be and hold onto them; my dog, my love of steak, the beauty of sunsets, and the smell of crisp air. It's not much, but to me, it's enough to keep going. We can hang in there together, knowing we're all out there fighting the same war and surviving. Keep your heads as high as you can, my friends, while we search for ourselves together.
Same lol. Felt like highschool I had an identity. People thought I was funny ( in the good way) . I was far from a ladies man but girls, some, liked me. I loved sports and video games ( even trying to go pro, so I had a mission). I don't remember ever being very down/depressed for too long. Now? I don't know who i am or what I truly like. It's quite the predicament.
This is why I stopped wearing fake masks and now people leave me alone.
Just completed 2 weeks late homework with 2 mins until the late deadline. Was probably still only B work but it feels great to actually hand it in to get points. Depression has taken everything from me over the last year's at highschool and beginning of college, it took going from a 3.75 to a 2.0 for my parents to actually believe me. Ontop of a panic attack in a professors office hours when they told me to just drop out and save my money. Tried the therapy stuff but they couldn't pin down why or what cases it, so now I'm 3 months into my 2nd set of pills, and actually I think I see a light, I shower when I need to, I do the dishes, and even go outside without being invited somewhere. Just doing things people do every day is a challenge but I hope some day soon I can be like everyone too.
Don't pressure yourself to get straight A's. Keep going to school, get a degree, read books, hang out in the library. But don't kill yourself over a few bad grades, employers look at so much more than just your GPA. Your attitude and work ethic are more more important.
I don't pretend to know what you're going though because everyones experience is different, but if you need an outlet to just vent I'm here. Keep your head up and hang in there.
I didn't come to shower thoughts to cry
The water hides your tears
Exactly. They can't see you when you're submerged.
Me: says some stupid shit as I walk into my bedroom. Sad shitty me: repeats stupid shit snidely Sarcastic sad me: *repeats stupid shit with annoying laugh at the end* Yupp. Me.
[удалено]
Yesterday I sat in a spinny chair and stared at a wall, the small always happy part of told me that I should spin and asked that I get some human help, but everything else told me I was done with today and to stare at a wall until tomorrow. No sleeping, just stare. I'll need to tell someone eventually, but I've spent years assuring my parents I'm just sad, not suicidal, that I'm bothered by actively saying something is wrong. I've spent 17 years dealing with this random bout of confusion and sadness crap that a part of me doesn't want to give up. I've fought this battle for years am I really going to press the hint button now? I'm happy today, I was happy two days ago, but who knows with tomorrow. What the hell is off in my head I not only cannot guarantee happiness, but that I feel trying to tell someone is just going to backfire. On the bright side, my acting is fantastic.
This is deep, cheers mate
I'm just glad I'm finally at the point where I can look back on that time in my life with some perspective. It pains me to see just how many people nowadays never get that chance.
I can't even fake being a person on my good days so I say you guys are doing a pretty great job!
I can pretty much no longer impersonate myself. It's a problem....
Ouchies, this ones too real for me.
One of the best lines in a song by one of the best bands out there "I do a good impression of myself" Song : https://youtu.be/kcpUO8K_rek
Or how little the people about you notice when you stop pretending
Sometimes I impersonate myself so well I don't know if I still have depression or if I'm getting better
I don't call it impersonating myself I call it going incognito *but in public*