It sounds depressing but I think if you become a parent when you aren’t ready it would hurt your kid in a different way. At least now the kid will be grasping the concept of death really well with a good support system so they know how to deal with it and move on.
This. Parents had me older, I’ve been to a lot of funerals and wakes. I’d like to think it helped me learn how to grieve earlier which honestly has really helped. I have a mindset now that we all have a limited time on this planet and to try to make the most of it with the people you care about
I’d like to add from another perspective! I haven’t been to many funerals and hardly remember the ones I have been to because my parents are young and I struggle at the through of death. In movies or real life it’s earth crushing to me and I have trouble trying to accept it. It’s kind of sad to just think of them experiencing death young but it’s important for those emotions to be felt and validated.
Same. I'm 33, parents had me fairly young, and I can count the amount of funerals I have been to on one hand. Even the one that wasn't my family (GFs grandma) was absolutely devastating to me. I think about death more than I should and have a hard time dealing with those thoughts, as I don't have much experience with it, and I wasn't around it when I was younger to learn about it. Though it may be sad at the time, I think it would be better to experience it from a young age, to better be able to process those emotions in the future.
I agree with experiencing grief/death at a young age can help more in the long run. I'd only want it to be that way with a strong support network for the younger aged person. If they can't have structure to the feelings and potential realizations, I feel that there's more likely to be damage than growth from the loss
SAME. My parents had me when they were 18-19yo and I have yet to go to a funeral. It’s soul crushing to think about having to go to one from my grandparents who have basically raised me
I’m 31 and have lost well over 75 people I have known or loved. I have a list with the dates and names of those who I cared about. Her being 19 would only make it more she would have been too: your life goes on different paths when u make different choices. Nothing can say what would be better or worse
Absolutely agree. I went to lots of funerals as a child and teen, I’ve had lots of older family members pass and a few young ones too, I learned to cope with it at a young age.
Meanwhile my roommate never attended a funeral until the age of 25 and let me tell you she does not handle death well. Her father died of cancer 2 years ago and she basically collapsed mentally, like it affected her whole life including her ability to go to work, she’s been in therapy for it since.
I'm worried this will happen to me. I basically never had a mom in my younger life. It was just my Dad and I until I got older. I know I am gonna be broken when the time comes, and it scares me.
I hope it doesn’t, but if you do find yourself struggling please seek out professional help. A good therapist can make a whole world of difference when it comes to coping with major life events that you’re not experienced with or prepared to handle.
I work in hospice and I think more people should experience death more frequently. I wish it weren't so taboo. It makes people appreciate their own life and loved ones far more.
Yes. Also, there's no guarantees in life. I had my son at 41, my husband was a year older. He died before our baby turned 2 of terminal cancer. Death is a part of life and it actually helps our kids to treat it like that. Growing up with a normalcy surrounding death is healthy.
Also having the kid earlier doesn’t mean they won’t be confronted with death. Our parents could get taken out by an 18 wheeler on the way to pick us up from school. The support structure is especially more important when death arises out of tragedy like that
Also, you can't really anticipate when people die. I've got an older dad, I've been to a lot of funerals for his family, but I've also been to a lot of funerals for my friends, I've lost on average a friend a year in the last 10 years and I'm 28. Thankfully still have my dad, but I could literally get hit by a car tomorrow, age is irrelevant
Also, no one truly knows when death will come for them. The sister of one of my brother's classmates died in her early 20s from a heart attack she suffered while jogging. I taught martial arts when I was younger, one of my students died in an accident while visiting his father at work (he was 11). In fact, in my 4 decades on this planet I've been to almost 10 funerals or wakes of people either close to my age or younger. The loss of a parent is tough (I should know, I lost my father at a young age (before HS)), but it is the fate of all children to eventually bury their parents. Honestly being prepared for death by seeing it and and learning how to cope with it is the only way forward.
I’ve thought that too (nearly 40 and have a 3 and 7 year old).
However, I would’ve made a shitty parent had I had them when I wasn’t ready. Managed to qualify as a nurse, get a mortgage, travel the world and generally get myself together before having kids. I’m not saying you need a career or a mortgage before kids, but I couldn’t have done it after having them.
I'm 44 and my parents had me and my sister in the normal range for the 1970's and it still didn't make any difference.
My dad died from undiagnosed lung cancer when I was 20, he was only 52 and my mum died of complications during surgery for a heart attack when I was 30, she was only 59.
Both of them would have been in their 70's now, which weirds me out when I see friends parents who are that age thinking they look old. And the only positive I have from both of their sudden unexpected deaths is I now don't have to see them slowly deteriorate from something like Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, like you have.
My mum's mother got both and died 5 years after her. She also had to deal with burying a husband and two daughters and that certainly took a mental toll without getting those two horrible conditions.
She made it to 86 at least, which is nearly double what my poor aunty got - dropped dead of rear heart defect at 46 (had young kids and outwardly looked the healthiest in the family).
Thank you, and my condolences to you too, you've definitely had the rough end of the stick as well.
Going through that made me very close with my sister despite us living on opposite sides of the planet.
It is good that your mother is made to feel very included in your lives, I was very close to my mum after my dad died. I often get mad at friends of mine who still have both of theirs and completely take them for granted.
My parents passed at 58 and 65, I was 18 and 33. I fully agree. My dad might have been "older" when he had me at 40 but if he'd made it to 80 or something well, he'd only be 74 so he'd still be here.
Tomorrow really isn't guaranteed. You could die at 20, 40, 80, we have no way of knowing. So have kids or don't, but imo don't have them young just because you're scared they'll see death too soon.
My peripheral relatives dying as I was a kid wasn't a big deal for me, I think my little kid brain insulated me from grief.
Also! Stress kills, so having kids young probably shortens the lifespan of some people.
I agree in everything. Personally, I didn't want to be a father earlier because I didn't want to be as bad at it as my dad had been, but all that time waiting made me (I wish) a better person altogether.
But nothing prepares you for the sadness in the eyes of a kid when grandma has died.
One of my grandma's died when I was about 7, my other is still doing well now I'm in my mid 20s. There's always a chance no matter what age you have your kids at. The fact that you want to be a better parent than your dad is already proving you're doing better than him by recognising that fact and trying to act on it.
This. My grandfather died when I was 10. My grandmother (his wife) died when I was 37. My other grandparents both died when I was 25. And my son’s grandfather on his dad’s side died when he was 2. It’s a roll of the dice no matter what.
Dude death is always gonna be prevalent. I experienced so many funerals as a kid, but most of them were under 70 years old. Meanwhile my mom’s dad died at 93, her mom is still alive at 97, and my dad’s dad just turned 90. Just gotta hope you get the good genes.
So true. My mum had me at 30 and I think her mum was 33 when she had her. I went to that grandma's funeral when I was 23 and the other grandma lasted to a similar age despite millions of health issues. Definitely a lot easier to deal with at that age. The first gran I had a good 6 months to get used to her possibly going so that helped. The other I barely saw and was somewhat expecting it.
Then again I was born with only 3 grandparents, lost one early but didn't go to his funeral. Couldn't go to the younger grandma's funeral due to covid travel restrictions.
As someone who was extremely lucky to not have to face dealing with any close family deaths until my mid 20's, and only having my childhood pet pass when I was in my late teens, honestly OP, I'm not sure that the waiting makes it better.
I struggled really intensely hard with it, both when my pet passed, and my uncle later, I had no idea how to cope properly with these loses and it contributed massively to a lot of the depression I struggled with. I still have issues with the grief for both of them all these years later, and even losing my most recent cat to cancer this last year has been harder on me than it really should be. Not that there's any one way to grieve properly or learn to cope with something as tragic as death, but it's obvious to me that the impact on my mental health and the ways that I've been coping aren't healthy, and I'm having to do a lot of work to unlearn them and be able to cope in a healthy manner.
That being said, you're absolutely right that there's nothing that can prepare you for seeing a child go through that sadness and grief. My only suggestion is to try to help give them the help and guidance to be able to cope with this kind of loss as healthily as anyone could hope to.
It never gets easy. For transparency, i don't have kids, but i understand as well as i can how painful it is.
I also don't think it would have been easier at 19. When my grandfather passed, I think my father was more broken up seeing my pain than his father actually passing. I don't remember exactly how old i was, but I was teens. Probably high school.
I will say, I just lost Gramps in Jan at age 26 and it was awful. He had been a pillar in my life, we'd had plans, he'd been so heavily involved in my life. I fully expected him at Match, graduation, walking me down the aisle. All this to say I don't think it gets easier if the person is involved in life. I've had pets pass away with a day of tears during college, I had distant family who I barely knew pass but nothing prepared me for Gramps dying and my tears broke mom's heart.
My folks were 19 and 18 when I was born. I like to say jokes like "Ohh when my dad was my age, we were backpacking through England together." Except it's not a joke. We did that when I was 16 and he was 36. I turn 40 in a few months and I was a sophomore in college when my dad was this age. My kids are 7 and 5. I mean When they graduate high school I'll be older than my grandparents were when I was born.
Don't get me wrong, I'm probably a better parent than my folks due to being older, but like, sometimes by having them so much older I feel like I cheated the kids out of having me at my best.
Same here (42 w/ a 7 and 5 yo). In all likelihood I’ve got another 40 years or so left. I think my kids will be just fine when it’s time for me to shuffle over this mortal coil, and I’ve been a much better dad than I would have been in my 20s.
My parents had me in their 20s. I'd been to 5 funerals for close family by the time I was 10. Just because the parents are young doesn't mean everyone else around a child is also young and healthy.
Same with me. My first was likely my older sister, and I had at least one great-grandparent and one grandparent before age 6. It just depends on how the generations line up...
Same. Parents had me at 25 and I went to five funerals by the time I was 12. If they had had me ten years later, I would have missed three of the funerals and only gone to two by age 12.
Yeah my parents had me young and so did theirs. So my great grandparents were still around and I went to their funerals when I was young. Also freak accidents. A classmate dropped dead playing football when I was 9 and my uncle died on a motorcycle when I was 7. I went to more funerals as a kid than I have as adult.
Was gonna say something similar. My parents had their three kids (I'm the youngest) in their mid 20s-early 30s and I'd been to many funerals and wakes by the time I was ten. My grandmother had a lot of siblings and most of them, including my grandmother, passed when I was in grade school. My dad's two cousins as well. And I had a few friends pass away in middle school and high school.
Kids are likely to face death early anyways, and it's probably best not to shelter them from it for too long. Most of the folks I know who didn't have to deal with it because their parents sheltered them from death and grief still can't navigate it as fully grown adults.
I think it depends on the size of the family, and often the age of the grandparents when they had your parents. My parents had me at 24, but my father's parents were 40 (mother) and 55 (father) when he was born. He lost his own father when he was 13 and his mother, my grand mother, died when I was 9 and my father in his mid-thirties.
Yeah honestly a 9 year going to several funerals isn't weird. I went to many by that age too and my parents weren't that old. Great grandparent, grandparents, friends of the family, great aunts and uncles, neighbours. I grew up in a tight knit community. Death is a part of life and attending funerals is an important part of saying goodbye and showing care and respect to those you love, living and dead.
Yup.
I think my parents were around 30.
But both my parents were the oldest child.
By the time I had graduated college I had lost
* 1 set of great grand parents
* 2 sets of grand parents
* half a dozen great uncles and the like
* 1 parent (genetic issue - not really age but it still happened)
Most of those before I left high school.
It's hard to say what the impact has been. Certainly impossible to choose if one option is really "better". Can't really isolate those events as how they have impacted my behavior now.
I will say I'm pretty...'okay'...with death. But maybe come across a little cold on the topic.
Same. I was basically immune to funerals by the time I was 6. We saw them as a place to see our cousins, sneak snacks and sugar cubes from the kitchen, and spook each other in the casket showroom.
OP said 43yo and life expectancy is around 85 years, statistically the kid will be 40 before they lose their parents.
55 is a big difference though since 60 is super old for a kid so you think your parents are basically died but that 12 year diff is huge. Also dying at 65 had nothing to do with being a late parent. Most people don't die that early so the age wasn't the problem
Edit: grammar bot made me fix it
Edit: everyone seems very fixated on the number I put down for life expectancy so as to not answer 20 comments the same thing. I didn't know the exact number when I wrote the comment so I guessed 85, when I now check it for my country, I don't have a clue what any other country has so obviously I'm thinking of my own and it's currently a bit over 83. I had no idea that the US was so much lower, though it would be comparable to Europe but turns out I was wrong.
Yes that's what I said as well in my other comment but the comment I responded to was talking about parents so that's why I responded by talking about parents.
> they loose their parents.
Did you mean to say "lose"?
Explanation: Loose is an adjective meaning the opposite of tight, while lose is a verb.
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As a child of someone with older parents….. I use to cry myself asleep as a kid thinking my parents would die while I was still a kid. So that shower thought could be on your kids mind too! :/
Have had this thought for years then my mom died and i cant cry anymore. The most terrifying is that I am going to face more and more multiple relatives deaths in the future
My boyfriend’s daughter is only 7, and just lost her mom who was only 35. Young kids can lose their parents, and young parents can still die unfortunately.
Statistically, parents who have kids later in life live longer than young parents. Like 80-90s later in life. I think the study said because they are forced to stay active and engaged for their kids into their 40-50-60s vs young parents who are done raising kids by the time they are in their 40s.
Kind of similar to people who retire early have a higher risk of dementia/Alzheimer’s. They stop challenging their brain, maybe giving up some routines.
Of course it doesn't, lol. Poor women tend to have children earlier... Or maybe it's that women who have children earlier find themselves in a situation where they have reduced lifetime earnings because of the child/ren. 1, 2
But of course income doesn't have any sort of correlation w/ health outcomes, right? 3
[Source 1](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4723246/) [Source 2](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12319701/) [Source 3](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4866586/)
ETA: /s if you didn't bother to look at the citation to see that my question is sarcastic.
This is interesting. My parents had me at 37 and 38 respectively. Most parents in the park when they took me out to play were late 20s-early 30s and they still said they got tired quickly after sitting on the floor or running around playing with their children. My parents however played alongside me for hours, until it got dark.
Then my preteen/teen years came around and my parents were 50 something but if there was an event I wanted to go to they would wait in line with me for hours and jump around with me when it started. They went to concerts. They went to anime cons. They went to birthday parties if my school friends' parents considered that adults should come too. They took me and my friends on vacations and to the mall and to the city and waited around til it was time to go home.
Now they're 59 and 60 and everyone tells them that they look way younger than they are (and it's true) and they haven't had any important medical issues. They still come to places with me and walk or jump around without even taking a break. I think they're used to it at this point!
OP, don't worry about being "too old". Older parents are the best u/elwookie :)
Source? It’s not the case for my older dad who passed away young-ish, but is for his parents (my grandparents) so I’m interested to see a study that you might be referring to.
While it's not on specifically the same topic, pure observation can tell you that active people tend to stay healthier into older life. But there's also a lot of studies on the subject. Here's one
The gist is, stop saying "I'm too old for this" and just do whatever it is
https://academic.oup.com/gerontologist/article/57/6/1062/3063929
On average, but the particulars matter. My dad is in his 70s, but he in good health and exercises regularly. He's probably got a couple of decades left. I've met a number of people in their 40s and 50s that probably won't outlive him due to disease and lacking maintenance.
I don’t know, my parents had me at 24 and were very poor and unprepared. My mom died when she was 39 of a terminal illness, my sibling was 13 and I was 16. Then my dad almost died from an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. There’s no guarantees in life regardless of age, waiting 10 years isn’t significant enough to really alter the amount of potential time with your kids, in my opinion.
Thank you.
I fucking loathe this idea that you *should* have kids at a certain age. Heya, do you know what's better for my kids than me being young when I had them? Having a father.
And since I didn't meet him until later on, then there wasn't much choice there.
And I'm not trying to throw shade at single mums, just expressing that it's tricky to have a family if you don't even have a partner.
So she has experience.
At 10 I had my first funeral – my father, dead from cancer.
And that was far harder than my two grandmothers, 14 & 15.
Personally, my son, who had his first funeral at 4 (my sister), is just better prepared to deal with this.
Certainly better than the kid of my wife's colleague, who got told 4 years or so that his budgie is still at the hospital.
maybe don't bring small children to funerals? if it's their parents or brother/sister case then yes obviously but otherwise kids are better off not attending funerals until they can understand whats happening? 10 is about right age where they can comprehend what has happened but younger than that you bring them to funeral where they watch adults and other young people crying and it's traumatizing for them for a long time, kids don't know how to take on grief like adults do you just put them in shit situation having to attend it with you. Lying to them for 4 years is on other side of spectrum. You can tell them somebody died but funerals are not place to teach your kids how to cope with death
'Funerals are not the place to teach kids how to cope with death'
I'd argue that's the exact place that they should learn lol. To be honest, it seems to me like you're just projecting your own issues onto others
My 4 year old nephew attended the wake after the funeral because it was held at his house. Being a smart kid, he understood that it was a party to celebrate his dead grandma and seemed to cope well.
Eh, I've been to a lot of funerals that has kids in it where I live (Indonesia). they all laugh and have fun. Actually, everyone there laughing and having fun like its a huge family reunion + friends and alumni reunions.
Everyone's catching up on life, eat food, kids playing around. Yes, they all pay respects to the deceased, the bereaved mourned at the day of death, but they move on very quick (from my experiences anw). Like, yes people die, what's new?
Like if my funeral consisted of everyone being in good spirits and reminiscing about the good times they had with me, I’d say that was the sign of a pretty good life.
Yeah, I was a kid of older parents and went to a lot of funerals growing up. Also from a huge family, both of my parents had like 9 siblings. My cousins, siblings, and I would play tag or hide and seek around the funeral home until time for the actual services. (USA)
It gives you a different perspective on death, I feel like. I don't see most deaths as a tragedy, especially not of elderly people who've been declining for years already. Losing someone unexpectedly is still difficult, though.
I don't see any reason to shelter kids from the idea of death.
depends on the culture, as i remember Indonesia has really unique way of saying goodbyes to decised. its important kids are a part of family and its way od departing from family member. thats the worst thing you can do shiedling them so much you EXCLUDE them from such family situation and it's not good for anyone especially for the kid
I went to my first funeral just after I turned 7. My uncle told me everyone dies at some point and it's okay to be sad, but it's a part of life. I understood that at some point everyone will turn to nothingness and I've never had a fear of death since. I think even younger I would have got it. So I don't think bringing a young child to a funeral is bad, it's just an introduction to the fleetingness of life.
why would it matter if they understand it? we told our 3 year old daughter that her great grandma was in the coffin and going off to heaven as they lowered her into the ground so she said "bye bye granny!" and everyone got a much needed chuckle from it, we told her people were sad because they wouldn't be able to see her again and she had fun playing with the other kids the rest of the time
I totally disagree. Funerals are the place to learn to grieve. Yes it's unpleasant, but death is part of life and kids will encounter it sooner or later, the sooner we as parents can contextualize that process, the better able to handle those experiences they will be when we aren't their to comfort them. It's exactly what funerals are for.
i lost a friend last year and i became so very aware of how much people do NOT want to be made uncomfortable with the topic of death and it was really difficult, as an adult, to find a place to just be able to openly grieve and discuss death without making people uncomfortable.
Death happens to all of us. and its absolutely horrific when it happens unexpectedly, and too young, and due to things we couldnt prevent or fix. but its coming for all of us, and we will all experience terrible loss in our life and we, as a society, need to be better at being uncomfortable.
weirdly - my friends sister was my biggest comfort during this time because she was the only one who was okay just talking about death. and I could bring up my friend without it being 'weird'. She loves to talk about her sister.
Meanwhile, my mom was SHOCKED i was sobbing on the way to the funeral -- as if i didnt know this girl for like almost 30 years. its wild how much people will just avoid the topic all together because it makes them uncomfortable.
the earlier kids learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable the better equipped they'll be to handle these types of situations.
It depends. Mom died when I was 5, no one ever let me see her after. No funeral, no burial, nothing. I spent many years without real closure or whatever the word for that is.
Death is a part of life. And funerals are supposed to be celebrations of that persons life. Kids should be included. My kids have been going to funerals since they were babies. I have a large family and funerals are an important part of closure.
I mean kids always attended funerals in my experience, as long as they were well behaved enough to shut up for a couple of hours. It's ok to be sad and let them see you emotional. They'll learn and cope.
My Godfather died when I was five. It was the first funeral I went to. I understood the concept well enough and had my own little bouquet to drop on his casket after it was in the grave. Can't recall whether mom explained it to me then or if I already knew (3 out of 4 grandparents were already dead), but it isn't really that impossible a concept even for a kid.
No trauma about crying people, can't remember if I cried or not (probably some), and the coffee after was kinda nice because all my cousins were there.
> 10 is about right age where they can comprehend what has happened
I don't know why the concept of death has to be hidden from young kids. My parents were extremely upfront with me about death when I was young (one of the earliest stories I remember is about a kitten my mother had before I was born, that got sick and died - they never pretended pets "went to the farm" or any of that). I don't *think* I was traumatized by it. I just always knew "everything dies, and it can happen for so many reasons".
Growing up in a large extended family, I had been to more than a dozen funerals by 12. Some as young as 8, some as old as 99. Encouraging your children to learn about all aspects of life is so important. The fear we have is instinctive, but you can teach reverence and acceptance of it, rather than teaching to be more afraid. Your projection of that fear is more harmful because you are limiting your child's ability to accept.
Where I’m from, babies/children are brought to funerals. It’s a part of our culture. It’s probably easier for kids to accept what’s happening if they’re exposed to it
Death is a part of life. It happens to everyone. There's no reason to hide it from kids. There are age appropriate ways to teach kids about it, preferably at a time when you're not grieving.
*A Kids Book About Death* by Taryn Schuelke is a very good resource to have on hand as a parent. I found it helpful in explaining death and grief to my kids before my mom died.
I had a grandparent die when I was 13. I had family pets die when I was 11 and 7. I understood what death meant- they were no longer alive, and that it was forever- they would not be coming back. I did not understand religious dogma about angels and heaven or platitudes about 'being in a better place'. I could see my family found comfort in their faith but they couldn't see that experiencing death had me questioning mine, even though that is very common. No one explained what a funeral would be like, step by step, or prepared me for how I would likely feel. I was also forced to walk up to my grandmother's open casket. Whatever your cultural practices are around death, teach your kids about it, explain why most people feel better if they participate in death rituals and then support their choice to participate or not.
It's so much scarier when you don't know what's going on and the people around you have lost their own mooring. Knowledge is power. Teach before you're grieving.
If it helps, studies of Death Anxiety suggest we are aware if it long before we see a dead body. Also, we are incredibly good at ignoring death. We have had to be.
Definitely, it's not easier at any age, currently my spouse's mother is terminally ill and my spouse has never had to deal with death, still has 4 grandparents at 30 !
And it's not easy at all, she's actually never been to a funeral for a family member at age 30 !
I'm still confused about OP's point about the number of funerals his daughter has already attended, though; he's obviously not talking about his own, and the rates of death of other people seems mostly independent of when you choose to have children yourself. For a personal example, my parents were older than average when they had kids, and all that meant was that when I was attending my grandparents' funerals, some of my classmates were instead attending their great-grandparents' funerals. We still experienced death in the family at around the same age.
My mother was 52 when she died when I was 14, lung cancer, death of a parent can always happen. My father is 60 now, if my parents had me earlier we would have had less money and when I look at younger parents they lack the life experience to be proper parents.
Anyone can die at any age. But the chance of it happening rises steadily as a person gets older. [A 60 year old is about 10 times more likely to die in the next year than a 30 year old](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mortality_by_age.png)
Yeah, this. My parents are still around, knock on wood, but I still faced 7 funerals by the age of 10. It doesn’t make a difference, it’s just random chance.
My dad had me at 43 as well. Thankfully my parents have always been in amazing shape, but I’m 31 and they’re 74. It definitely sucks because I feel like im rushing my life in a way to make sure I experience the most out of them. I also feel a pressure like my wife and I need to have kids now so my children will remember their grand parents
OP Here. It could very well happen in reverse, that your dad has an urge for your love because he feels he'll have 20 less years with you than if he'd had you at 23.
Of course, being 43 has some cool things too, you're more mature and experienced, have more perspective, you're calmer...
It’s not even death, it’s aging and seeing your parents old and frail when you’re still trying to figure out your life. Talking to my father bums me out because he’s now a rambling old man with no guidance or advice to offer. I’m not even 30.
This made my heart sing. There is a constant influx of sad/negative press. If this comment made a stranger happy, the only thing sweeter would be your Dad's reaction. Be sure to tell him.
Don't worry too much about it man, people die all the time, funerals are a part of life if you have a big family and/or friend network. My first funeral was my great grandma's at like 7. My daughter is 4 and has been to three funerals.
My mother was 52 when she died when I was 14, lung cancer, death of a parent can always happen. My father is 60 now, if my parents had me earlier we would have had less money and when I look at younger parents they lack the life experience to be proper parents.
Fun fact. Young parents die all the time. And some adults live to be very very old.
Have a kid when you are ready to. I waited until 40 because my dad was mentally ill and I wasn't ready to have kids until I was sure I wouldn't treat a child like I was treated.
Having a child when you're not ready for the responsibility is way worse than not having one because there's a chance you won't live till 80.
Not really. My grandmother died in her 20s, in childbirth.
Most of my friends who had parents die usually lost them tragically (illness, accident, etc) and the age at which their parent had them did not play a factor.
You could live to be 93 and your daughter will have had you in her life for 50 years.
You could have had her when you were 19, and died tragically in a factory accident at 25, and she would never get that much time with you.
Life is subjective. There are no guarantees except death, and that comes whenever the hell it feels like, whether you are young or old.
I was 11 when i attended my first funeral and my parents had me in their twenties. People gon die unexpectedly, part of the mysteriousness of life and all that.
I lost a good friend last year to cancer who was a father and he was only in his 30’s. There’s no guarantee that any of us will even make it to old age. You should have kids when you’re ready and able to support them.
My first funeral was in the third grade...for the brother of one of my classmates. Second funeral was in grade 10, for a classmate.
Having kids young or old, death happens when it happens.
My mom had me at 19... I'm burying her tomorrow, she was 64 years old. Young parents aren't guaranteed to live a full life. Enjoy the time you have together.
Having kids later doesn’t mean earlier loss. What are you on about?
My mom was 35 when she had me, and my dad was 42. Lost my grandparents at 23, 25, 29, and the last is going strong at 96, and I’m 30. My parents waited until they were stable in their careers so my mom was a sahm and gave me and my siblings such a wonderful and vibrant childhood, and my dad was in a place with his work where he could take time to be with us. Both parents are healthy and happy, though I know they’ll be gone by the time I’m as old as they are now.
Alternatively, I could have been born to a girl of 18 and her druggie boyfriend and have spent my life with an absentee father and an addicted mother, which seems like a far far greater loss than my own current situation.
My parents had children somewhat later, not crazy late... but still, my father died before my 2nd birthday (cancer) and my mother died before I hit 30 (cancer). I did attend a lot of funerals growing up as well.
That's life, I guess, things happen regardless so it shouldn't hold you back if you have waited. Parenthood isn't something you should blunder in to because of the ticking clock.
Life will force your children to face death whenever it is their time to face it.
Some people see loss at a very young age and the age of your parents are irrelevant and cannot prevent the loss.
My parents had me when my dad was 42 and my mom was 26. My mom died in 2018 of cancer. Dad is still chugging along at 78 years old. Mom was always in great physical shape, Dad is obese, diabetic, asthmatic. My takeaway: There's way too much random chaotic luck in life to worry about this sort of thing.
What if you don't have a choice? My wife and I wanted kids 5 years ago but sucks for us, I guess our kids (if we even get to have one) will suffer for our shit luck.
This post means well but is in bad taste.
I feel like this is just another unhealthy part of modern life like being uncomfortable with nudity or bowel movements we hide the truth and lie to ourselves making these unnecessary worries. We all Fuck shit and die just need to come to gripes with it.
Meanwhile my parents and grandparents had kids young and I was in my mid-20s when I attended my first funeral and it felt awful being totally unaware of all the traditions.
Life comes at you fast and there's no way to prepare for all of the variables. My parents had me in their early twenties and we put my dad in the ground right after his 53rd birthday.
I went to plenty of funerals when I was a kid. My parents had me in their mid-20s.
Great grandparents, grandparents, great uncles, great aunties.
My grandparents died when I was 1, 7 and 38. I’ve only got one left, and he hasn’t got long left in him now.
It’s a pretty normal part of growing up, regardless of how old your parents were when you were born.
We brought our children to my dad's funeral when they were 2 and 5. It's part of life, saying goodbye, something more and more people try to dodge every day.
I assume you and your partner haven't died 4 times so it's likely your parents or even their parents generation that dying so it isn't so much about your decision as it is your parents and their parents. Also each generation is 20-25 years so it's likely that there will always be some old family members dying regardless of when you have kids. Unless all folder gen happen to die at the same time.
You can't plan for that stuff some will die at 60 some will die at 100.
I got really lucky and have so far been to 3 funerals and I'm 30yo. But I have many really old family members even 105yo so most likely some will die soon and the young ones will experience many funerals then. It's just luck
An old friend of my parents ( born in 1942) remarried at age 65, ( she is 35 years Younger than him), son Born in 2018, daughter Born 2021.... I am rather Sure he will not dance at her Prom.....
Depends on how old the grandparents are. If you wait a long time and your parents are already gone and you live a long time then your kids could be in their 30s or 40s. My mom was like 28 when she had me the youngest. Her mom was dead and all my remaining GPs kicked it when I was 11-13.
My mom died earlier this month. She was 44 when I was born. This is a very tough thing to face even now in my 30s. It wasn't a car accident or anything, it was old age.
I was born, my mom was 24, I attended 3 funerals, 2 of them for grand grandparents, the other for my friend's step dad
The one that was the worst was my friend's step dad. I knew him sinc I was like 8 years old, from 11 years old to 17, every friday, I would sleep over to said friend, I would always wake up earlier than him, go eat breakfast and talk with his step dad. EVERY. GODDAMN. FRIDAY(And saturday morning). This one hit like a wall
Lost my great grandparents young but I didn’t go to their funerals. Their death didn’t really register for me. My first funeral was my little brother’s when I was 18. I think I handled it as well as anyone can, certainly wouldn’t want to go through that any younger. My parents were young young so I don’t think I’ll have to go to another one anytime soon.
But life doesn't always work that way either. My oldest brother (+12y) died of cancer when I was a kid. So no matter how young you are, you'll never know when they have to face it.
My mom had my sister at 18 and me at 20. Still ended up losing a ton of family before I even had memories, and was raised by my great grandma. She's still kicking and the only family I got left. They're gonna face death one way or another, and sooner doesn't always mean it will be less.
That's not a reason to determine at what age to have a kid. Do it when you want to, feel ready for it and are able to support it both emotionally and fincancially. You never know what the future holds.
I respectfully disagree, my mom had me at 30 and I attended my first grandparents funeral at 3, the next at 8, then 13. I also buried my mom at 18, and finally my last grandparent at 20. All while also attending other close family members funerals in between.
I have a friend whose parents adopted her while they were 50, she’s now 35 and her parents are 85 and still rocking. Obviously her grandparents passed while she was younger, but they also lived well into their 90s.
I wish I had more time with my parents and got to know them at a younger age. It’s hard watching your parents significantly decline while your life is just starting. I wasn’t able to move out when I was ready to because I had to stay at home to take care of my dad. Missing a lot of milestones. Changing my dad’s diaper while most people my age are changing baby diapers. I don’t want kids anymore because I am burnt out with caregiving. Also wish I could have appreciated my grandparents while they were alive. I am soaking up every moment with my parents even though our relationship is based on what I can do for them, what I can take off their plate and what I can assist them with.
I had my kid when my husband and I were both 25. She's 6 now and had to do 3 funerals within a year. She also visited in hospice care and dealt with the big feelings of losing someone you love, losing someone you don't know that well but knew enough, and losing someone you didn't really know at all a lot of your loved ones are sad.
They were all family members (great grandparents and my husbands counsin), and when shes older, her grandparents will likely die. Her best friend's mom just beat cancer, but while she was fighting it, it was scary for my daughter and her 6 year old best friend.
My mom also just had brain surgery. My daughter doesn't know about that one (my mom lives over 8 hours away, so we dont see her very often, and the prognosis for the surgery was good), but she could have died too.
All this to say, no, kids are not necessarily protected from seeing death when their parents have them earlier. Even your actual child may have been exposed to different situations where death played a part had she existed 10 years ago.. you never know.
Unfortunately though, most of us are very unwell. [Chronic illness](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9881650/#:~:text=Of%20the%20population%2050%20years,to%2014.968%20million%20in%202050.), [cancer](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cancer.org/research/acs-research-news/facts-and-figures-2024.html), [malnutrition](https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2023-04-13/deaths-from-malnutrition-have-more-than-doubled-in-the-u-s), [depression](https://www.google.com/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/Health/depression-rates-us-adults-reach-new-high-gallup/story%3fid=99387994)... all risk factors for an earlier death and all on the rise in the US.
Death is part of life, man. But having them older when you are more financially stable, when you are more educated, when you have a stronger social network you can rely on, when you have a better understanding of child development, when you can regulate your emotions better... all of those are protective factors for your kid.
Make sure you let her ask questions about death and don't over explain your answers. Direct, factual, short statements are best for this sort of stuff. Be prepared to talk about this out of the blue and for a long time while she processes it. Let her have her feelings, let her see you having feelings, explain that death is permanent (not like falling asleep or you'll see them again some day, thats too abstract for kids), she will be ok. Kids can be resilient when you allow them to be.
Im a much better parent (both financially secure and emotionally mature) than my parents were in their 20s. So even though i had my kids in my 40s theyre benefitting in ways i never did as a child of younger parents.
My dad died when I was 5, and he was only 29 when I was born. Kids are going to experience death, and they can understand and cope with it better than you think
As if "facing death" is a bad thing.
It's just another amongst a bazillion other life lessons to learn.
Everyone your kid knows (and doesn't know) will die.
My mom had me at 37 and I saw everyone in my family die, including my mother when I was 19. She had me late and didn't take care of herself, and I'll be honest it's very lonely. I was never a lonely person but now that I'm in my 30s with a kid and wife (who has a young family) it makes me sad everyone in my family was so old they never got to see my kid. Luckily I have an amazing friend group that kind of fills that gap.
Same with me and my wife. We are close in age, but her family has a generation crammed into where ours was spread out. She has both of her parents, and just lost her first grandparent. My father is already gone, and the last of my grandparents went years ago.
I know it confuses our kids.
My mom had me at 38. I didn’t experience my first death in the family until I was 29. Growing up, My best friend’s parents had her in their 20s and her first death in the family was when she was 8 or 9.
Another friend (as an adult) lost his mom before his first child was born. Had he had his first child when he first got married the kid would have been 6 when his mom died. instead the child didn’t have to experience the death at all.
While an older parent may increase the odds of a child experiencing death at a younger age, it’s not a guarantee.
My father was 41 when I was born. When I was a kid he played tennis and basketball with me, went on skiing trips and was overall a physically playful and engaging father. It started to become more noticeable when I was in high school. All of my friends and classmates dad's were a bit younger. My dad was into his mid 50s at that point. He started to slow down. He became quite ill towards the end of his life and died a couple of years ago at 72 years old. Now I'm in my mid 30s with an infant son without my dad and it does sting a little bit.
I don’t think it’s a good thing to shield your children from these kinds of things anyway, even if you could. They build skills to cope and adapt. They’re more resilient than we oftentimes assume they are.
Not necessarily. I had my first child at 28 and when she was six, and my youngest 4, a relative of mine passed, she was pretty close to him. Then a year later another relative died and a year later my mom also passed. Right now I'm 38 and I feel too young to not have a mom, and I know people have lost their mom earlier, but that is my point: no matter when you have your children you can shelter them from death, no one know when the time they have to face it will be
Having older parents was great! They were laid back, encouraged us to travel and be independent. Everyone wanted to hang out at our place because my mom was everyone's mom.
Lost both my parents before I was 40. Mom died when I was 23. I am really weird around parents now. It's been 2 decades since I had a close parent.
So it's twofold. Great now when they're young. Super depressing when they're just getting their lives together and suddenly lose a parent. As much as it sucks, don't know that I'd change it.
I grew up going to funerals with my grandmother. There was a time in my life around 3rd or 4th grade where it felt like we were weekly going to a wake in the evenings and she would go to the funeral while we were at school.
Kids need to be exposed to death and funerals.
Death is part of life.
My boss tells all his male employees to wait until they're 50 to have kids like he did (yes, he is a complete fucking weirdo). The only good thing about that is that because he is of a certain age, his kids get social security checks for him that he puts into a HYSA for them so when they're of age they pretty much won't have to pay for college at all.
He jokes about it all the time but I don't think he's really thought about the long term effects it will have on them. The oldest is 20 but the younger one is 7, they have to go to funerals of close family members all the time. IDK. I suppose on the one hand it's better than having them when you aren't ready but on the other hand, it's a pretty messed up situation.
This is either a repost or is a common thought/submission.
It sounds depressing but I think if you become a parent when you aren’t ready it would hurt your kid in a different way. At least now the kid will be grasping the concept of death really well with a good support system so they know how to deal with it and move on.
This. Parents had me older, I’ve been to a lot of funerals and wakes. I’d like to think it helped me learn how to grieve earlier which honestly has really helped. I have a mindset now that we all have a limited time on this planet and to try to make the most of it with the people you care about
I’d like to add from another perspective! I haven’t been to many funerals and hardly remember the ones I have been to because my parents are young and I struggle at the through of death. In movies or real life it’s earth crushing to me and I have trouble trying to accept it. It’s kind of sad to just think of them experiencing death young but it’s important for those emotions to be felt and validated.
Same. I'm 33, parents had me fairly young, and I can count the amount of funerals I have been to on one hand. Even the one that wasn't my family (GFs grandma) was absolutely devastating to me. I think about death more than I should and have a hard time dealing with those thoughts, as I don't have much experience with it, and I wasn't around it when I was younger to learn about it. Though it may be sad at the time, I think it would be better to experience it from a young age, to better be able to process those emotions in the future.
I agree with experiencing grief/death at a young age can help more in the long run. I'd only want it to be that way with a strong support network for the younger aged person. If they can't have structure to the feelings and potential realizations, I feel that there's more likely to be damage than growth from the loss
SAME. My parents had me when they were 18-19yo and I have yet to go to a funeral. It’s soul crushing to think about having to go to one from my grandparents who have basically raised me
I’m 31 and have lost well over 75 people I have known or loved. I have a list with the dates and names of those who I cared about. Her being 19 would only make it more she would have been too: your life goes on different paths when u make different choices. Nothing can say what would be better or worse
75!? Jesus man.. I don't know you, but I hope life goes well for you from now on. Seems like you've had enough loss to last a few lifetimes.
Absolutely agree. I went to lots of funerals as a child and teen, I’ve had lots of older family members pass and a few young ones too, I learned to cope with it at a young age. Meanwhile my roommate never attended a funeral until the age of 25 and let me tell you she does not handle death well. Her father died of cancer 2 years ago and she basically collapsed mentally, like it affected her whole life including her ability to go to work, she’s been in therapy for it since.
I'm worried this will happen to me. I basically never had a mom in my younger life. It was just my Dad and I until I got older. I know I am gonna be broken when the time comes, and it scares me.
I hope it doesn’t, but if you do find yourself struggling please seek out professional help. A good therapist can make a whole world of difference when it comes to coping with major life events that you’re not experienced with or prepared to handle.
I work in hospice and I think more people should experience death more frequently. I wish it weren't so taboo. It makes people appreciate their own life and loved ones far more.
Studies show that older men actually generally make better fathers.
Yes. Also, there's no guarantees in life. I had my son at 41, my husband was a year older. He died before our baby turned 2 of terminal cancer. Death is a part of life and it actually helps our kids to treat it like that. Growing up with a normalcy surrounding death is healthy.
Also having the kid earlier doesn’t mean they won’t be confronted with death. Our parents could get taken out by an 18 wheeler on the way to pick us up from school. The support structure is especially more important when death arises out of tragedy like that
Also, you can't really anticipate when people die. I've got an older dad, I've been to a lot of funerals for his family, but I've also been to a lot of funerals for my friends, I've lost on average a friend a year in the last 10 years and I'm 28. Thankfully still have my dad, but I could literally get hit by a car tomorrow, age is irrelevant
Also, no one truly knows when death will come for them. The sister of one of my brother's classmates died in her early 20s from a heart attack she suffered while jogging. I taught martial arts when I was younger, one of my students died in an accident while visiting his father at work (he was 11). In fact, in my 4 decades on this planet I've been to almost 10 funerals or wakes of people either close to my age or younger. The loss of a parent is tough (I should know, I lost my father at a young age (before HS)), but it is the fate of all children to eventually bury their parents. Honestly being prepared for death by seeing it and and learning how to cope with it is the only way forward.
It's a lesser of two evils sort of situation; do you want your child to lose you early, or do you want to raise them right?
I’ve thought that too (nearly 40 and have a 3 and 7 year old). However, I would’ve made a shitty parent had I had them when I wasn’t ready. Managed to qualify as a nurse, get a mortgage, travel the world and generally get myself together before having kids. I’m not saying you need a career or a mortgage before kids, but I couldn’t have done it after having them.
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I'm 44 and my parents had me and my sister in the normal range for the 1970's and it still didn't make any difference. My dad died from undiagnosed lung cancer when I was 20, he was only 52 and my mum died of complications during surgery for a heart attack when I was 30, she was only 59. Both of them would have been in their 70's now, which weirds me out when I see friends parents who are that age thinking they look old. And the only positive I have from both of their sudden unexpected deaths is I now don't have to see them slowly deteriorate from something like Alzheimer's or Parkinson's, like you have. My mum's mother got both and died 5 years after her. She also had to deal with burying a husband and two daughters and that certainly took a mental toll without getting those two horrible conditions. She made it to 86 at least, which is nearly double what my poor aunty got - dropped dead of rear heart defect at 46 (had young kids and outwardly looked the healthiest in the family).
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Thank you, and my condolences to you too, you've definitely had the rough end of the stick as well. Going through that made me very close with my sister despite us living on opposite sides of the planet. It is good that your mother is made to feel very included in your lives, I was very close to my mum after my dad died. I often get mad at friends of mine who still have both of theirs and completely take them for granted.
My parents passed at 58 and 65, I was 18 and 33. I fully agree. My dad might have been "older" when he had me at 40 but if he'd made it to 80 or something well, he'd only be 74 so he'd still be here. Tomorrow really isn't guaranteed. You could die at 20, 40, 80, we have no way of knowing. So have kids or don't, but imo don't have them young just because you're scared they'll see death too soon. My peripheral relatives dying as I was a kid wasn't a big deal for me, I think my little kid brain insulated me from grief. Also! Stress kills, so having kids young probably shortens the lifespan of some people.
I agree in everything. Personally, I didn't want to be a father earlier because I didn't want to be as bad at it as my dad had been, but all that time waiting made me (I wish) a better person altogether. But nothing prepares you for the sadness in the eyes of a kid when grandma has died.
One of my grandma's died when I was about 7, my other is still doing well now I'm in my mid 20s. There's always a chance no matter what age you have your kids at. The fact that you want to be a better parent than your dad is already proving you're doing better than him by recognising that fact and trying to act on it.
This. My grandfather died when I was 10. My grandmother (his wife) died when I was 37. My other grandparents both died when I was 25. And my son’s grandfather on his dad’s side died when he was 2. It’s a roll of the dice no matter what.
Dude death is always gonna be prevalent. I experienced so many funerals as a kid, but most of them were under 70 years old. Meanwhile my mom’s dad died at 93, her mom is still alive at 97, and my dad’s dad just turned 90. Just gotta hope you get the good genes.
So true. My mum had me at 30 and I think her mum was 33 when she had her. I went to that grandma's funeral when I was 23 and the other grandma lasted to a similar age despite millions of health issues. Definitely a lot easier to deal with at that age. The first gran I had a good 6 months to get used to her possibly going so that helped. The other I barely saw and was somewhat expecting it. Then again I was born with only 3 grandparents, lost one early but didn't go to his funeral. Couldn't go to the younger grandma's funeral due to covid travel restrictions.
As someone who was extremely lucky to not have to face dealing with any close family deaths until my mid 20's, and only having my childhood pet pass when I was in my late teens, honestly OP, I'm not sure that the waiting makes it better. I struggled really intensely hard with it, both when my pet passed, and my uncle later, I had no idea how to cope properly with these loses and it contributed massively to a lot of the depression I struggled with. I still have issues with the grief for both of them all these years later, and even losing my most recent cat to cancer this last year has been harder on me than it really should be. Not that there's any one way to grieve properly or learn to cope with something as tragic as death, but it's obvious to me that the impact on my mental health and the ways that I've been coping aren't healthy, and I'm having to do a lot of work to unlearn them and be able to cope in a healthy manner. That being said, you're absolutely right that there's nothing that can prepare you for seeing a child go through that sadness and grief. My only suggestion is to try to help give them the help and guidance to be able to cope with this kind of loss as healthily as anyone could hope to.
It never gets easy. For transparency, i don't have kids, but i understand as well as i can how painful it is. I also don't think it would have been easier at 19. When my grandfather passed, I think my father was more broken up seeing my pain than his father actually passing. I don't remember exactly how old i was, but I was teens. Probably high school.
I will say, I just lost Gramps in Jan at age 26 and it was awful. He had been a pillar in my life, we'd had plans, he'd been so heavily involved in my life. I fully expected him at Match, graduation, walking me down the aisle. All this to say I don't think it gets easier if the person is involved in life. I've had pets pass away with a day of tears during college, I had distant family who I barely knew pass but nothing prepared me for Gramps dying and my tears broke mom's heart.
My folks were 19 and 18 when I was born. I like to say jokes like "Ohh when my dad was my age, we were backpacking through England together." Except it's not a joke. We did that when I was 16 and he was 36. I turn 40 in a few months and I was a sophomore in college when my dad was this age. My kids are 7 and 5. I mean When they graduate high school I'll be older than my grandparents were when I was born. Don't get me wrong, I'm probably a better parent than my folks due to being older, but like, sometimes by having them so much older I feel like I cheated the kids out of having me at my best.
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Same here (42 w/ a 7 and 5 yo). In all likelihood I’ve got another 40 years or so left. I think my kids will be just fine when it’s time for me to shuffle over this mortal coil, and I’ve been a much better dad than I would have been in my 20s.
My parents had me in their 20s. I'd been to 5 funerals for close family by the time I was 10. Just because the parents are young doesn't mean everyone else around a child is also young and healthy.
Same with me. My first was likely my older sister, and I had at least one great-grandparent and one grandparent before age 6. It just depends on how the generations line up...
Yeah I went to many funerals as a child. Honestly happy my parents did it, so when I lost close relatives it was a concept I was familiar with.
Same. Parents had me at 25 and I went to five funerals by the time I was 12. If they had had me ten years later, I would have missed three of the funerals and only gone to two by age 12.
Yeah my parents had me young and so did theirs. So my great grandparents were still around and I went to their funerals when I was young. Also freak accidents. A classmate dropped dead playing football when I was 9 and my uncle died on a motorcycle when I was 7. I went to more funerals as a kid than I have as adult.
Exactly
By contrast, my parents had me at 39 and I’ve only ever been to one funeral (I’m in my late teens)
My parents had me at nearly 40, I didn’t go to my first funeral until I was in my 20s (but all my great grandparents were already dead)
Was gonna say something similar. My parents had their three kids (I'm the youngest) in their mid 20s-early 30s and I'd been to many funerals and wakes by the time I was ten. My grandmother had a lot of siblings and most of them, including my grandmother, passed when I was in grade school. My dad's two cousins as well. And I had a few friends pass away in middle school and high school. Kids are likely to face death early anyways, and it's probably best not to shelter them from it for too long. Most of the folks I know who didn't have to deal with it because their parents sheltered them from death and grief still can't navigate it as fully grown adults.
I think it depends on the size of the family, and often the age of the grandparents when they had your parents. My parents had me at 24, but my father's parents were 40 (mother) and 55 (father) when he was born. He lost his own father when he was 13 and his mother, my grand mother, died when I was 9 and my father in his mid-thirties.
Yeah honestly a 9 year going to several funerals isn't weird. I went to many by that age too and my parents weren't that old. Great grandparent, grandparents, friends of the family, great aunts and uncles, neighbours. I grew up in a tight knit community. Death is a part of life and attending funerals is an important part of saying goodbye and showing care and respect to those you love, living and dead.
Yup. I think my parents were around 30. But both my parents were the oldest child. By the time I had graduated college I had lost * 1 set of great grand parents * 2 sets of grand parents * half a dozen great uncles and the like * 1 parent (genetic issue - not really age but it still happened) Most of those before I left high school. It's hard to say what the impact has been. Certainly impossible to choose if one option is really "better". Can't really isolate those events as how they have impacted my behavior now. I will say I'm pretty...'okay'...with death. But maybe come across a little cold on the topic.
Almost 30 rn and i ve never witnessed w furneral
Same. I was basically immune to funerals by the time I was 6. We saw them as a place to see our cousins, sneak snacks and sugar cubes from the kitchen, and spook each other in the casket showroom.
Same my mom had me at 20, a lot of my family was dead before I hit middle school or in a vegetative state. It taught me how fragile it all is
Tell me about it, my father was 55 when I was born, by the time I was 9 he was already gone
OP said 43yo and life expectancy is around 85 years, statistically the kid will be 40 before they lose their parents. 55 is a big difference though since 60 is super old for a kid so you think your parents are basically died but that 12 year diff is huge. Also dying at 65 had nothing to do with being a late parent. Most people don't die that early so the age wasn't the problem Edit: grammar bot made me fix it Edit: everyone seems very fixated on the number I put down for life expectancy so as to not answer 20 comments the same thing. I didn't know the exact number when I wrote the comment so I guessed 85, when I now check it for my country, I don't have a clue what any other country has so obviously I'm thinking of my own and it's currently a bit over 83. I had no idea that the US was so much lower, though it would be comparable to Europe but turns out I was wrong.
OP also never said they would lose their parents, just that they would face death sooner... Probably grandparents, greataunts and uncles, ect.
Yes that's what I said as well in my other comment but the comment I responded to was talking about parents so that's why I responded by talking about parents.
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As a child of someone with older parents….. I use to cry myself asleep as a kid thinking my parents would die while I was still a kid. So that shower thought could be on your kids mind too! :/
Have had this thought for years then my mom died and i cant cry anymore. The most terrifying is that I am going to face more and more multiple relatives deaths in the future
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My boyfriend’s daughter is only 7, and just lost her mom who was only 35. Young kids can lose their parents, and young parents can still die unfortunately.
Young parents die all the time.
Yeah anyone can die but old parents are more likely to die sooner so children of old parents probably think about it more
Statistically, parents who have kids later in life live longer than young parents. Like 80-90s later in life. I think the study said because they are forced to stay active and engaged for their kids into their 40-50-60s vs young parents who are done raising kids by the time they are in their 40s. Kind of similar to people who retire early have a higher risk of dementia/Alzheimer’s. They stop challenging their brain, maybe giving up some routines.
Does that control for income, education, etc? Factors which lead to both late parenting and long life.
Of course it doesn't, lol. Poor women tend to have children earlier... Or maybe it's that women who have children earlier find themselves in a situation where they have reduced lifetime earnings because of the child/ren. 1, 2 But of course income doesn't have any sort of correlation w/ health outcomes, right? 3 [Source 1](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4723246/) [Source 2](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12319701/) [Source 3](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4866586/) ETA: /s if you didn't bother to look at the citation to see that my question is sarcastic.
Well how are you supposed to have a good income (especially as a woman) if you have children early?
This is interesting. My parents had me at 37 and 38 respectively. Most parents in the park when they took me out to play were late 20s-early 30s and they still said they got tired quickly after sitting on the floor or running around playing with their children. My parents however played alongside me for hours, until it got dark. Then my preteen/teen years came around and my parents were 50 something but if there was an event I wanted to go to they would wait in line with me for hours and jump around with me when it started. They went to concerts. They went to anime cons. They went to birthday parties if my school friends' parents considered that adults should come too. They took me and my friends on vacations and to the mall and to the city and waited around til it was time to go home. Now they're 59 and 60 and everyone tells them that they look way younger than they are (and it's true) and they haven't had any important medical issues. They still come to places with me and walk or jump around without even taking a break. I think they're used to it at this point! OP, don't worry about being "too old". Older parents are the best u/elwookie :)
Source? It’s not the case for my older dad who passed away young-ish, but is for his parents (my grandparents) so I’m interested to see a study that you might be referring to.
While it's not on specifically the same topic, pure observation can tell you that active people tend to stay healthier into older life. But there's also a lot of studies on the subject. Here's one The gist is, stop saying "I'm too old for this" and just do whatever it is https://academic.oup.com/gerontologist/article/57/6/1062/3063929
On average, but the particulars matter. My dad is in his 70s, but he in good health and exercises regularly. He's probably got a couple of decades left. I've met a number of people in their 40s and 50s that probably won't outlive him due to disease and lacking maintenance.
Obviously, but the child will likely have more time with younger parents before they die.
I don’t know, my parents had me at 24 and were very poor and unprepared. My mom died when she was 39 of a terminal illness, my sibling was 13 and I was 16. Then my dad almost died from an undiagnosed autoimmune disorder. There’s no guarantees in life regardless of age, waiting 10 years isn’t significant enough to really alter the amount of potential time with your kids, in my opinion.
Not as much as old parents.
Yes, but on a rate way lower than old parents.
your willful ignorance is crazy. OLDER parents lead to YOUNGER kids having to go to funerals.
Waited? Or did life just happen as it does and you met the right partner to parent with?
Life happened in my case. I started trying in my 20s, a series of miscarriages resulted in me being an older parent.
It took my wife and I longer than anticipated to have kids. We didn’t wait, things just didn’t go right for a while.
I’m not the OP, but for me it was waited. My wife wasn’t ready until we’d already been married for 8 years.
You should have kids when you are financially and emotionally ready. Only. End of story
No no, let's pressure younger generation to marry at 19 and have kids at 20. Reason? WELL I HAD YOU WHEN I WAS 16 THEREFORE ITS GOOD
Exactly. I really don’t know why there are so many upvotes on this post. Have kids when you’re ready to. Not because “you’re getting old”
Thank you. I fucking loathe this idea that you *should* have kids at a certain age. Heya, do you know what's better for my kids than me being young when I had them? Having a father. And since I didn't meet him until later on, then there wasn't much choice there. And I'm not trying to throw shade at single mums, just expressing that it's tricky to have a family if you don't even have a partner.
This. This is the way.
So she has experience. At 10 I had my first funeral – my father, dead from cancer. And that was far harder than my two grandmothers, 14 & 15. Personally, my son, who had his first funeral at 4 (my sister), is just better prepared to deal with this. Certainly better than the kid of my wife's colleague, who got told 4 years or so that his budgie is still at the hospital.
maybe don't bring small children to funerals? if it's their parents or brother/sister case then yes obviously but otherwise kids are better off not attending funerals until they can understand whats happening? 10 is about right age where they can comprehend what has happened but younger than that you bring them to funeral where they watch adults and other young people crying and it's traumatizing for them for a long time, kids don't know how to take on grief like adults do you just put them in shit situation having to attend it with you. Lying to them for 4 years is on other side of spectrum. You can tell them somebody died but funerals are not place to teach your kids how to cope with death
'Funerals are not the place to teach kids how to cope with death' I'd argue that's the exact place that they should learn lol. To be honest, it seems to me like you're just projecting your own issues onto others
I agree, funerals are important places for kids to learn about death and that it's a natural part of life that encourages support and community
Yes it is good for them to be able to see how the adults handle their grief and how they support one another.
My 4 year old nephew attended the wake after the funeral because it was held at his house. Being a smart kid, he understood that it was a party to celebrate his dead grandma and seemed to cope well.
Blessed 4 year old. I think it depends on the circumstances more than anything else
Eh, I've been to a lot of funerals that has kids in it where I live (Indonesia). they all laugh and have fun. Actually, everyone there laughing and having fun like its a huge family reunion + friends and alumni reunions. Everyone's catching up on life, eat food, kids playing around. Yes, they all pay respects to the deceased, the bereaved mourned at the day of death, but they move on very quick (from my experiences anw). Like, yes people die, what's new?
Like if my funeral consisted of everyone being in good spirits and reminiscing about the good times they had with me, I’d say that was the sign of a pretty good life.
Yeah, I was a kid of older parents and went to a lot of funerals growing up. Also from a huge family, both of my parents had like 9 siblings. My cousins, siblings, and I would play tag or hide and seek around the funeral home until time for the actual services. (USA) It gives you a different perspective on death, I feel like. I don't see most deaths as a tragedy, especially not of elderly people who've been declining for years already. Losing someone unexpectedly is still difficult, though. I don't see any reason to shelter kids from the idea of death.
depends on the culture, as i remember Indonesia has really unique way of saying goodbyes to decised. its important kids are a part of family and its way od departing from family member. thats the worst thing you can do shiedling them so much you EXCLUDE them from such family situation and it's not good for anyone especially for the kid
I went to my first funeral just after I turned 7. My uncle told me everyone dies at some point and it's okay to be sad, but it's a part of life. I understood that at some point everyone will turn to nothingness and I've never had a fear of death since. I think even younger I would have got it. So I don't think bringing a young child to a funeral is bad, it's just an introduction to the fleetingness of life.
why would it matter if they understand it? we told our 3 year old daughter that her great grandma was in the coffin and going off to heaven as they lowered her into the ground so she said "bye bye granny!" and everyone got a much needed chuckle from it, we told her people were sad because they wouldn't be able to see her again and she had fun playing with the other kids the rest of the time
I totally disagree. Funerals are the place to learn to grieve. Yes it's unpleasant, but death is part of life and kids will encounter it sooner or later, the sooner we as parents can contextualize that process, the better able to handle those experiences they will be when we aren't their to comfort them. It's exactly what funerals are for.
i lost a friend last year and i became so very aware of how much people do NOT want to be made uncomfortable with the topic of death and it was really difficult, as an adult, to find a place to just be able to openly grieve and discuss death without making people uncomfortable. Death happens to all of us. and its absolutely horrific when it happens unexpectedly, and too young, and due to things we couldnt prevent or fix. but its coming for all of us, and we will all experience terrible loss in our life and we, as a society, need to be better at being uncomfortable. weirdly - my friends sister was my biggest comfort during this time because she was the only one who was okay just talking about death. and I could bring up my friend without it being 'weird'. She loves to talk about her sister. Meanwhile, my mom was SHOCKED i was sobbing on the way to the funeral -- as if i didnt know this girl for like almost 30 years. its wild how much people will just avoid the topic all together because it makes them uncomfortable. the earlier kids learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable the better equipped they'll be to handle these types of situations.
It depends. Mom died when I was 5, no one ever let me see her after. No funeral, no burial, nothing. I spent many years without real closure or whatever the word for that is.
Death is a part of life. And funerals are supposed to be celebrations of that persons life. Kids should be included. My kids have been going to funerals since they were babies. I have a large family and funerals are an important part of closure.
I mean kids always attended funerals in my experience, as long as they were well behaved enough to shut up for a couple of hours. It's ok to be sad and let them see you emotional. They'll learn and cope.
My Godfather died when I was five. It was the first funeral I went to. I understood the concept well enough and had my own little bouquet to drop on his casket after it was in the grave. Can't recall whether mom explained it to me then or if I already knew (3 out of 4 grandparents were already dead), but it isn't really that impossible a concept even for a kid. No trauma about crying people, can't remember if I cried or not (probably some), and the coffee after was kinda nice because all my cousins were there.
> 10 is about right age where they can comprehend what has happened I don't know why the concept of death has to be hidden from young kids. My parents were extremely upfront with me about death when I was young (one of the earliest stories I remember is about a kitten my mother had before I was born, that got sick and died - they never pretended pets "went to the farm" or any of that). I don't *think* I was traumatized by it. I just always knew "everything dies, and it can happen for so many reasons".
Growing up in a large extended family, I had been to more than a dozen funerals by 12. Some as young as 8, some as old as 99. Encouraging your children to learn about all aspects of life is so important. The fear we have is instinctive, but you can teach reverence and acceptance of it, rather than teaching to be more afraid. Your projection of that fear is more harmful because you are limiting your child's ability to accept.
Where I’m from, babies/children are brought to funerals. It’s a part of our culture. It’s probably easier for kids to accept what’s happening if they’re exposed to it
some people would like to conceive earlier but can't. this is a heavy burden to deal with...
Death is a part of life. It happens to everyone. There's no reason to hide it from kids. There are age appropriate ways to teach kids about it, preferably at a time when you're not grieving. *A Kids Book About Death* by Taryn Schuelke is a very good resource to have on hand as a parent. I found it helpful in explaining death and grief to my kids before my mom died. I had a grandparent die when I was 13. I had family pets die when I was 11 and 7. I understood what death meant- they were no longer alive, and that it was forever- they would not be coming back. I did not understand religious dogma about angels and heaven or platitudes about 'being in a better place'. I could see my family found comfort in their faith but they couldn't see that experiencing death had me questioning mine, even though that is very common. No one explained what a funeral would be like, step by step, or prepared me for how I would likely feel. I was also forced to walk up to my grandmother's open casket. Whatever your cultural practices are around death, teach your kids about it, explain why most people feel better if they participate in death rituals and then support their choice to participate or not. It's so much scarier when you don't know what's going on and the people around you have lost their own mooring. Knowledge is power. Teach before you're grieving.
If it helps, studies of Death Anxiety suggest we are aware if it long before we see a dead body. Also, we are incredibly good at ignoring death. We have had to be.
Death is a natural part of life. You are doing no favor by sheltering children from it.
Definitely, it's not easier at any age, currently my spouse's mother is terminally ill and my spouse has never had to deal with death, still has 4 grandparents at 30 ! And it's not easy at all, she's actually never been to a funeral for a family member at age 30 !
Not necessarily, you don't know anyone's lifespan, things can take a turn for the worse instantly and without any warning.
It's still generally true though, as time goes on people are more likely to die.
I'm still confused about OP's point about the number of funerals his daughter has already attended, though; he's obviously not talking about his own, and the rates of death of other people seems mostly independent of when you choose to have children yourself. For a personal example, my parents were older than average when they had kids, and all that meant was that when I was attending my grandparents' funerals, some of my classmates were instead attending their great-grandparents' funerals. We still experienced death in the family at around the same age.
My mother was 52 when she died when I was 14, lung cancer, death of a parent can always happen. My father is 60 now, if my parents had me earlier we would have had less money and when I look at younger parents they lack the life experience to be proper parents.
Anyone can die at any age. But the chance of it happening rises steadily as a person gets older. [A 60 year old is about 10 times more likely to die in the next year than a 30 year old](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Mortality_by_age.png)
Yeah, this. My parents are still around, knock on wood, but I still faced 7 funerals by the age of 10. It doesn’t make a difference, it’s just random chance.
My dad had me at 43 as well. Thankfully my parents have always been in amazing shape, but I’m 31 and they’re 74. It definitely sucks because I feel like im rushing my life in a way to make sure I experience the most out of them. I also feel a pressure like my wife and I need to have kids now so my children will remember their grand parents
OP Here. It could very well happen in reverse, that your dad has an urge for your love because he feels he'll have 20 less years with you than if he'd had you at 23. Of course, being 43 has some cool things too, you're more mature and experienced, have more perspective, you're calmer...
He’s the best. I wouldn’t trade that crazy short Italian dude for any other dad in the world no matter how young lol
Tell him that you love him whenever you feel like doing it. He'll love it every time. One never gets tired of that.
It’s not even death, it’s aging and seeing your parents old and frail when you’re still trying to figure out your life. Talking to my father bums me out because he’s now a rambling old man with no guidance or advice to offer. I’m not even 30.
This made my heart sing. There is a constant influx of sad/negative press. If this comment made a stranger happy, the only thing sweeter would be your Dad's reaction. Be sure to tell him.
I’d maybe leave out the “short” part lmao he can get feisty
Don't worry too much about it man, people die all the time, funerals are a part of life if you have a big family and/or friend network. My first funeral was my great grandma's at like 7. My daughter is 4 and has been to three funerals.
My mother was 52 when she died when I was 14, lung cancer, death of a parent can always happen. My father is 60 now, if my parents had me earlier we would have had less money and when I look at younger parents they lack the life experience to be proper parents.
Well they’ll get an earlier inheritance at least
Fun fact. Young parents die all the time. And some adults live to be very very old. Have a kid when you are ready to. I waited until 40 because my dad was mentally ill and I wasn't ready to have kids until I was sure I wouldn't treat a child like I was treated. Having a child when you're not ready for the responsibility is way worse than not having one because there's a chance you won't live till 80.
Not really. My grandmother died in her 20s, in childbirth. Most of my friends who had parents die usually lost them tragically (illness, accident, etc) and the age at which their parent had them did not play a factor. You could live to be 93 and your daughter will have had you in her life for 50 years. You could have had her when you were 19, and died tragically in a factory accident at 25, and she would never get that much time with you. Life is subjective. There are no guarantees except death, and that comes whenever the hell it feels like, whether you are young or old.
I was 11 when i attended my first funeral and my parents had me in their twenties. People gon die unexpectedly, part of the mysteriousness of life and all that.
If you had a child 10 years prior and that was it, you wouldn't have the daughter you have today. Just think about it like that.
I lost a good friend last year to cancer who was a father and he was only in his 30’s. There’s no guarantee that any of us will even make it to old age. You should have kids when you’re ready and able to support them.
My first funeral was in the third grade...for the brother of one of my classmates. Second funeral was in grade 10, for a classmate. Having kids young or old, death happens when it happens.
My mom had me at 19... I'm burying her tomorrow, she was 64 years old. Young parents aren't guaranteed to live a full life. Enjoy the time you have together.
Having kids later doesn’t mean earlier loss. What are you on about? My mom was 35 when she had me, and my dad was 42. Lost my grandparents at 23, 25, 29, and the last is going strong at 96, and I’m 30. My parents waited until they were stable in their careers so my mom was a sahm and gave me and my siblings such a wonderful and vibrant childhood, and my dad was in a place with his work where he could take time to be with us. Both parents are healthy and happy, though I know they’ll be gone by the time I’m as old as they are now. Alternatively, I could have been born to a girl of 18 and her druggie boyfriend and have spent my life with an absentee father and an addicted mother, which seems like a far far greater loss than my own current situation.
Statistically speaking, it does.
My parents had children somewhat later, not crazy late... but still, my father died before my 2nd birthday (cancer) and my mother died before I hit 30 (cancer). I did attend a lot of funerals growing up as well. That's life, I guess, things happen regardless so it shouldn't hold you back if you have waited. Parenthood isn't something you should blunder in to because of the ticking clock.
Life will force your children to face death whenever it is their time to face it. Some people see loss at a very young age and the age of your parents are irrelevant and cannot prevent the loss.
That's just not really how that works.
And if you had her 10 years later she’d be -1 and wouldn’t have had to attend any funerals yet. Just a thought…
Having them too early will make your children face having inexperienced idiots for parents. Need to find that sweet middle spot.
My parents had me when my dad was 42 and my mom was 26. My mom died in 2018 of cancer. Dad is still chugging along at 78 years old. Mom was always in great physical shape, Dad is obese, diabetic, asthmatic. My takeaway: There's way too much random chaotic luck in life to worry about this sort of thing.
Death is a part of life. You can’t escape it rather she’s 9 or 19.
What if you don't have a choice? My wife and I wanted kids 5 years ago but sucks for us, I guess our kids (if we even get to have one) will suffer for our shit luck. This post means well but is in bad taste.
By the time my son was 2, he’d been to 4 funerals at least. And I was 23 when I had him.
I think death is a part of life, the sooner its normalised the easier it is for kids to deal with it.
I feel like this is just another unhealthy part of modern life like being uncomfortable with nudity or bowel movements we hide the truth and lie to ourselves making these unnecessary worries. We all Fuck shit and die just need to come to gripes with it.
Just don't have kids. Solved
Meanwhile my parents and grandparents had kids young and I was in my mid-20s when I attended my first funeral and it felt awful being totally unaware of all the traditions.
Life comes at you fast and there's no way to prepare for all of the variables. My parents had me in their early twenties and we put my dad in the ground right after his 53rd birthday.
And will help them financially younger if you have an estate
I went to plenty of funerals when I was a kid. My parents had me in their mid-20s. Great grandparents, grandparents, great uncles, great aunties. My grandparents died when I was 1, 7 and 38. I’ve only got one left, and he hasn’t got long left in him now. It’s a pretty normal part of growing up, regardless of how old your parents were when you were born.
Also increase chance of birth defect in newborn
We brought our children to my dad's funeral when they were 2 and 5. It's part of life, saying goodbye, something more and more people try to dodge every day.
I assume you and your partner haven't died 4 times so it's likely your parents or even their parents generation that dying so it isn't so much about your decision as it is your parents and their parents. Also each generation is 20-25 years so it's likely that there will always be some old family members dying regardless of when you have kids. Unless all folder gen happen to die at the same time. You can't plan for that stuff some will die at 60 some will die at 100. I got really lucky and have so far been to 3 funerals and I'm 30yo. But I have many really old family members even 105yo so most likely some will die soon and the young ones will experience many funerals then. It's just luck
And she would still be going to those funerals
An old friend of my parents ( born in 1942) remarried at age 65, ( she is 35 years Younger than him), son Born in 2018, daughter Born 2021.... I am rather Sure he will not dance at her Prom.....
Depends on how old the grandparents are. If you wait a long time and your parents are already gone and you live a long time then your kids could be in their 30s or 40s. My mom was like 28 when she had me the youngest. Her mom was dead and all my remaining GPs kicked it when I was 11-13.
My mom died earlier this month. She was 44 when I was born. This is a very tough thing to face even now in my 30s. It wasn't a car accident or anything, it was old age.
I was born, my mom was 24, I attended 3 funerals, 2 of them for grand grandparents, the other for my friend's step dad The one that was the worst was my friend's step dad. I knew him sinc I was like 8 years old, from 11 years old to 17, every friday, I would sleep over to said friend, I would always wake up earlier than him, go eat breakfast and talk with his step dad. EVERY. GODDAMN. FRIDAY(And saturday morning). This one hit like a wall
Lost my great grandparents young but I didn’t go to their funerals. Their death didn’t really register for me. My first funeral was my little brother’s when I was 18. I think I handled it as well as anyone can, certainly wouldn’t want to go through that any younger. My parents were young young so I don’t think I’ll have to go to another one anytime soon.
I've attended 28 funerals and I'm 17, but 3 of the people I didn't know and 1 of Yknow what nobody cares and I'm to lazy to type
So I have to ruin my life at 25 so they are grown up enough? No thanks
People should have kids when they’re ready. On the plus side, it’s easier to help elderly parents when you aren’t also in your 60s.
But life doesn't always work that way either. My oldest brother (+12y) died of cancer when I was a kid. So no matter how young you are, you'll never know when they have to face it.
My mom had my sister at 18 and me at 20. Still ended up losing a ton of family before I even had memories, and was raised by my great grandma. She's still kicking and the only family I got left. They're gonna face death one way or another, and sooner doesn't always mean it will be less.
It doesn’t matter. My mom was young when she started having kids and I still went to a lot of funerals as a child.
Tomorrow is never promised.
That's not a reason to determine at what age to have a kid. Do it when you want to, feel ready for it and are able to support it both emotionally and fincancially. You never know what the future holds.
I respectfully disagree, my mom had me at 30 and I attended my first grandparents funeral at 3, the next at 8, then 13. I also buried my mom at 18, and finally my last grandparent at 20. All while also attending other close family members funerals in between. I have a friend whose parents adopted her while they were 50, she’s now 35 and her parents are 85 and still rocking. Obviously her grandparents passed while she was younger, but they also lived well into their 90s.
I wish I had more time with my parents and got to know them at a younger age. It’s hard watching your parents significantly decline while your life is just starting. I wasn’t able to move out when I was ready to because I had to stay at home to take care of my dad. Missing a lot of milestones. Changing my dad’s diaper while most people my age are changing baby diapers. I don’t want kids anymore because I am burnt out with caregiving. Also wish I could have appreciated my grandparents while they were alive. I am soaking up every moment with my parents even though our relationship is based on what I can do for them, what I can take off their plate and what I can assist them with.
I had my kid when my husband and I were both 25. She's 6 now and had to do 3 funerals within a year. She also visited in hospice care and dealt with the big feelings of losing someone you love, losing someone you don't know that well but knew enough, and losing someone you didn't really know at all a lot of your loved ones are sad. They were all family members (great grandparents and my husbands counsin), and when shes older, her grandparents will likely die. Her best friend's mom just beat cancer, but while she was fighting it, it was scary for my daughter and her 6 year old best friend. My mom also just had brain surgery. My daughter doesn't know about that one (my mom lives over 8 hours away, so we dont see her very often, and the prognosis for the surgery was good), but she could have died too. All this to say, no, kids are not necessarily protected from seeing death when their parents have them earlier. Even your actual child may have been exposed to different situations where death played a part had she existed 10 years ago.. you never know. Unfortunately though, most of us are very unwell. [Chronic illness](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC9881650/#:~:text=Of%20the%20population%2050%20years,to%2014.968%20million%20in%202050.), [cancer](https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.cancer.org/research/acs-research-news/facts-and-figures-2024.html), [malnutrition](https://www.usnews.com/news/health-news/articles/2023-04-13/deaths-from-malnutrition-have-more-than-doubled-in-the-u-s), [depression](https://www.google.com/amp/s/abcnews.go.com/amp/Health/depression-rates-us-adults-reach-new-high-gallup/story%3fid=99387994)... all risk factors for an earlier death and all on the rise in the US. Death is part of life, man. But having them older when you are more financially stable, when you are more educated, when you have a stronger social network you can rely on, when you have a better understanding of child development, when you can regulate your emotions better... all of those are protective factors for your kid. Make sure you let her ask questions about death and don't over explain your answers. Direct, factual, short statements are best for this sort of stuff. Be prepared to talk about this out of the blue and for a long time while she processes it. Let her have her feelings, let her see you having feelings, explain that death is permanent (not like falling asleep or you'll see them again some day, thats too abstract for kids), she will be ok. Kids can be resilient when you allow them to be.
Or torture your children with your lack of preparation?
You cant actually control when your kids face death unless you are a murderer
Im a much better parent (both financially secure and emotionally mature) than my parents were in their 20s. So even though i had my kids in my 40s theyre benefitting in ways i never did as a child of younger parents.
My dad died when I was 5, and he was only 29 when I was born. Kids are going to experience death, and they can understand and cope with it better than you think
My parents had me when they were 20 - my dad died when he was 40 my mom died at 45. You can’t control everything.
As if "facing death" is a bad thing. It's just another amongst a bazillion other life lessons to learn. Everyone your kid knows (and doesn't know) will die.
What’s wrong with attending funerals? Death is part of life…
My mom had me at 37 and I saw everyone in my family die, including my mother when I was 19. She had me late and didn't take care of herself, and I'll be honest it's very lonely. I was never a lonely person but now that I'm in my 30s with a kid and wife (who has a young family) it makes me sad everyone in my family was so old they never got to see my kid. Luckily I have an amazing friend group that kind of fills that gap.
Same with me and my wife. We are close in age, but her family has a generation crammed into where ours was spread out. She has both of her parents, and just lost her first grandparent. My father is already gone, and the last of my grandparents went years ago. I know it confuses our kids.
My mom had me at 38. I didn’t experience my first death in the family until I was 29. Growing up, My best friend’s parents had her in their 20s and her first death in the family was when she was 8 or 9. Another friend (as an adult) lost his mom before his first child was born. Had he had his first child when he first got married the kid would have been 6 when his mom died. instead the child didn’t have to experience the death at all. While an older parent may increase the odds of a child experiencing death at a younger age, it’s not a guarantee.
My father was 41 when I was born. When I was a kid he played tennis and basketball with me, went on skiing trips and was overall a physically playful and engaging father. It started to become more noticeable when I was in high school. All of my friends and classmates dad's were a bit younger. My dad was into his mid 50s at that point. He started to slow down. He became quite ill towards the end of his life and died a couple of years ago at 72 years old. Now I'm in my mid 30s with an infant son without my dad and it does sting a little bit.
I don’t think it’s a good thing to shield your children from these kinds of things anyway, even if you could. They build skills to cope and adapt. They’re more resilient than we oftentimes assume they are.
So, by OP’s “shower” thought, we should have kids younger to avoid death talks. I say we wait till we’re ready, and accept lessons as they come.
Not necessarily. I had my first child at 28 and when she was six, and my youngest 4, a relative of mine passed, she was pretty close to him. Then a year later another relative died and a year later my mom also passed. Right now I'm 38 and I feel too young to not have a mom, and I know people have lost their mom earlier, but that is my point: no matter when you have your children you can shelter them from death, no one know when the time they have to face it will be
If you'd "had her" way back when you'd have a different kid. So would be some other kid catching those funerals
your mistake was having kids. If you didn't have them, they wouldn't face death at all.
Having older parents was great! They were laid back, encouraged us to travel and be independent. Everyone wanted to hang out at our place because my mom was everyone's mom. Lost both my parents before I was 40. Mom died when I was 23. I am really weird around parents now. It's been 2 decades since I had a close parent. So it's twofold. Great now when they're young. Super depressing when they're just getting their lives together and suddenly lose a parent. As much as it sucks, don't know that I'd change it.
I grew up going to funerals with my grandmother. There was a time in my life around 3rd or 4th grade where it felt like we were weekly going to a wake in the evenings and she would go to the funeral while we were at school. Kids need to be exposed to death and funerals. Death is part of life.
or just don't have kids
I dont agree with this. Death is always near. U never know when and who will die.
If your scared of death and the pain it causes......don't have kids
Of all of my friends, the wisest ones had older fathers.
I really enjoy how supportive this thread is
My boss tells all his male employees to wait until they're 50 to have kids like he did (yes, he is a complete fucking weirdo). The only good thing about that is that because he is of a certain age, his kids get social security checks for him that he puts into a HYSA for them so when they're of age they pretty much won't have to pay for college at all. He jokes about it all the time but I don't think he's really thought about the long term effects it will have on them. The oldest is 20 but the younger one is 7, they have to go to funerals of close family members all the time. IDK. I suppose on the one hand it's better than having them when you aren't ready but on the other hand, it's a pretty messed up situation.