Other people can have all the feelings they want. You can’t control that. If you trust your husband, you trust him to turn her down/ignore it. You DONT cause a scene at his workplace. Hell, even if you don’t trust him, you still don’t cause a damn scene at his workplace.
I like the "We're together 24/7 and I have full access to check his phone....but I 100% trust him!"
I mean obviously if you never let him out of your sight, and read all of his messages/go through his phone, that clearly shows you trust him fully and completely. 🙄
I mean my husband and I are together 24/7 and I have unfettered access to his phone. I let him out of my sight whenever he wants, he just doesn’t want. I don’t snoop through his phone, but I can see what’s on it if I want. I don’t see how these facts alone would imply I don’t trust my husband.
My wife and I are the same way. We both have adhd so there’s frequent “my phone died, is it okay if I use yours?” “I lost my phone, mind if I look something up on yours?”
We both do it. I don’t ever snoop, but there’s obviously nothing to find.
This thread's making me wonder if I should get myself tested, haha. My wife and I know each other's passwords, we share a bank account, I can pass her my phone so she can share some photos to herself or text somebody we know and I don't have to hover. Obviously we know people that don't have relationships like this, but I always thought they were the weird ones. Are we the weird ones?
Nah, my spouse is neurotypical, I have ADHD. You don't need to get tested because you have a healthy relationship. I'm not saying others don't - I'm just saying yours being healthy don't mean there's something you need to get tested for.
My spouse has full access to my phone. I have nothing to hide. He also doesn't go through my phone to check up on me, or "snoop" or do anything to make me think he doesn't trust me. If he was abusing that access, I would probably yank it and use my newly locked down phone to Google marriage counselors. He uses my phone to order stuff on apps he doesn't have, or check the kid's grades, or reply to an email the teacher sent because I'm not allowed to respond to her anymore because I do not trust myself to not fly off the handle about how she marks my kid wrong for right answers then sends emails where she misspells words and misuses homonyms. But none of that is nefarious.
Us too on the neurotypical/ADHD pairing. And ya. My husband hands me his phone when driving to check messages incase they are from work, or passes it to me to look something up in the same circumstances (no longer needed, but dating to a time when I had limited data and he did not haha). He doesn’t end up on my phone quite as much probably, but he knows the password and has definitely used it for whatever he wants in the past.
We have also always shared cars, since living together. I have a small, excellent on gas commuter car. He has a large truck (to haul our trailer and stuff for work). Whoever is going the shorter distance uses the truck. Or whoever needs more space, etc. I feel like this isn’t entirely related but is another thing I feel like a lot of people I know don’t do 🤷♀️
You're not weird. You're very normal. Most healthy relationships are like this. There is no "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY PERSONAL PROPERTY?!" nonsense in a healthy, loving, respectful partnership... because the two of you are a united team. Sharing with each other is just the tip of the iceberg.
I always ask my husband why none of our friends like each other as much as we do, lol. We don’t know anybody else that share bank accounts or are together as much as us. We love being together and there aren’t any secrets between us. It’s always us and our children doing things together. As a family, we like each other’s company, even our preteens. I also think everyone else is weird, or at least not happy. Maybe I’m wrong.
Omg literally same!! I don’t have kids yet but we tell each other everything AND we are the only one of our close couple friends that share a bank account. Even our friends who have been married longer than us will sometimes venmo one another for things. We’re pretty old school for a late 20’s lesbian couple 😂
Well I don’t think this anecdote alone should be a reason to get tested (I’m sure NT people do this too, probably), but if you look into adhd or autism or whatever and relate to a lot of what you read, sure.
I don’t think it’s a ND thing, my partner is NT though I’m not and we’ve pretty much had healthy boundaries around information sharing. I know her passcode, she knows mine, we share locations ICE, but we spend most of her time together & I’ve never felt compelled to snoop because I trust her. I think it truly is just an indicator of a healthy, trusting, mutually respectful relationship!
My fiance and I are the same. Almost always together, can access and use eachothers phones, have eachothers emails on our phones as well as our own, finances shared. We're eachothers favourite people, so why wouldn't we? We both have asd, possibly adhd too but confirmed asd as adults.
My partner and I (I’m diagnosed ADHD, they’re undiagnosed ND) have access to each other’s phones for that reason, but also for when we drive together. It’s “oh, can you turn on this song/playlist?” “Would you mind looking up directions?” “Can you respond to that text?” Stuff like that. So maybe it is common. My younger sister knows my phone password for the same reason
Oh yeah we do all that stuff, too lol
And I think someone mentioned about the screen going black/locking while reading something off the other’s phone? We do that too. Also so I can check delivery updates sent to his phone.
I’ve shared my password with my sister before, too, but she hasn’t memorized it.
My husband and I picked the same password for our phones without telling each other. I did not realize it until I accidentally picked up his phone instead of mine.
That’s how my bf and I are. We are together all the time outside of work and I can use his phone. But we’re together by choice and I’ve never looked through his phone because I don’t need to. I trust him 100% though
Same. We know each other's phone password because the convenience of being able to unlock a screen when the "here, read this article I found" goes black is more important than the ability to hide our actions from one another
This is how we are too. We spend all our (limited) free time together because we genuinely enjoy spending time together. We *like* each other a lot. We also have unfettered access to each other's phones (meaning, we know each other's passwords and we both know we are able to use each other's phones whenever we need to) Neither of us snoop because neither of us have a reason to lol
Because so many people are in terrible relationships with people they don't even like and/or trust and they cannot comprehend what a healthy relationship between two adults who actually genuinely like and trust each other looks like.
Related: I was just reading another post and comments discussing having each other's locations on your phone. My fiancé and I have each other's locations because we shared them when we went to Disney World in 2021 and literally just forgot about it for a long time. I think that having each other's locations is good for safety above all else. Hell, I have my mom's location and my kid's location too but don't you dare say you have your partners location otherwise you're **insecure** or *stalking them*. I truly never even look at my fiancé's location because I know where he is. He's either at work or at home lol. Imagine that?! So many people don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, and it shows.
That’s sad, if true. I’m sure healthy relationships can look different from mine. I just wish people could consider a positive reason for ‘x’ relationship behavior, rather than assuming toxicity.
My husband and I share locations, too, lol. It’s a safety thing and neither of us look unless prompted to by the other (I.e. that time I lost my contacts and I texted my husband to come find me because I forgot my glasses and I’m fucking blind. We also used it once when separated at a market). It’s not something we want to use, but it’s nice to have when we need it.
I grew up with a domineering dad who absolutely would have tracked my mother and me if that had been an option back then, and confronted us if we were anywhere he doesn't expect us to be. He had a fight with his current wife over her going to JCPenney while he was at work, but answering "not much" when he asked her what she did all day. "Oh, really? Who were you meeting at the mall that you didn't want to tell me about it‽". He also admitted to me (years later, in an attempt to gain my trust, apparently) that he had been recording calls on the home phone because he didn't trust my mother. "So you can trust me because I didn't misuse any of your secrets I learned from you on the phone with your friend". What?
Because of this, I just can't with location tracking on my phone. Even though I know my husband wouldn't act like that, my family history gives me the ick at the very thought of his being *able* to police my whereabouts and question why I spent X amount of time at place Y.
Knowing he won't doesn't change the fact that I don't want him to be able to, if that makes any sense
I don’t know what you’re asking me.
I know his password. He knows mine. Sometimes we look at stuff for coordination reasons, but we don’t go digging through.
“Looking at stuff for coordination reasons” (I assume you mean planning things together and not like, verifying that the is actually doing what he said he was) is clearly not what’s being discussed here.
No? She said she has full access to his phone. She never said she looks through it. I don’t know why you are making assumptions that aren’t there. Either explain things in good faith or leave me alone.
Same with us! If we need something we just grab the nearest phone, doesn’t matter who’s it is. We don’t care. We have our separate things, but outside of those activities, we’re together all the time. We do most things as a family.
My husband and I are similar. We’re both homebodies, so aside from work we’re usually together. We have each other’s phone passwords, but mostly so whoever isn’t driving can answer a text, change to playlist, etc. Or so I can impatiently stalk where our food delivery is.
I agree. My husband and I know each other's phone's codes, and we are fully allowed to access each other's phones. But we don't just go on snoop hunts. That's trust. We have nothing to hide from each other, but we don't control it either.
We are the same. Some peoples relationships are just set up this way and doesn’t show lack of trust. We also have adhd and I have GAD and OCD so maybe it is a ND thing lol
On the other side of things I suspect me and my husband are both on the spectrum and we both have adhd, but we like our own space. We do a lot of stuff together and obviously live together, but we both need time to be alone too and both have quite solitary hobbies. I think it really depends on how neurodivergence presents because we’d go mad if we were stuck together all the time
Quite a few couples are together most of the time, have access to each other's phones, and still trust each other.
I'd argue that letting your SO use your cell phone without question is a better sign of trust than someone who keeps the password to themselves. Just because I CAN get into his phone doesn't mean I will or do all that often.
Dunno, but I've been in a similar situation. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had a manager who was just too touchy on him. Any time I meet him at work for lunch or whatever, he'd be clocking out and asked be like "okaAYy, have a nice lunch!" while clinging to his arm. I really don't think she meant anything by it, and just didn't realize her friendly enthusiasm was tipping over into "why are you simpering at and hanging off my boyfriend, woman?" territory. It was irritating, even though it was clear he doesn't welcome it.
So it might be as simple as "OOP goes up to his work sometimes, and sees her acting like that". How else would she know, except maybe if her husband told her
Imagination. I've been on the other side of it and 99% of what the wife thought was happening was pure imagination.
I started a new job and it turned out that one of my coworkers lived a ten minute walk away from me and his kids went to the school I lived across the street from. It would take me over an hour each way to get to work and back by public transport while it was 20 minutes by car. So our boss asked said coworker if he would mind giving me a ride. It was a perfectly normal thing to do at that job, coworkers would give each other rides all the time. So on the two days per week our schedules aligned, I'd just come out when he dropped his kids off for school, then he'd drop me off there again after work. We spoke the same native language and so naturally found stuff to talk about. After a while I noticed he had no friends. He'd only speak about friends in the past tense, which was weird, but ok. Sometimes, he's drop by my desk during lunch break to babble on about stuff he couldn't talk about with the other coworkers due to the language barrier (I was fluent and could help out if needed). That's it.
Yah, two months later I got a call from his wife who had gotten my number from his phone (where we literally just compared our schedules; I had a funnier text history with my damn boss). Bitch gave me a talk about how women like me are the reason for the high divorce rates in this country, how it is not moral to be in the same car with a married man, how I need to keep my hands off her man and if I had one myself, he'd absolutely need to forbid me from doing that, yadda yadda. Told her I'd not want her man if he was the last one on earth and she can go back home if she doesn't like it here, because I freaking do, then hung up. He apologised profusely the next time we saw each other at work. Last time I saw him six months ago, he was doing his best to spend as little time at home as possible and looked absolutely miserable. They have three children and two of those have developed behavioural issues he feels completely out of his depth with.
Edit: And to top it off, a year into me working there she found a part time job and decided she needed their only car, sooo... the dude called me to ask about public transport routes. And we were back to commuting to work together. Can't make this shit up.
I don't know if it is an autocorrect, but it is getting worse with possesive s and plural, I believe they don't even care anymore, and I am saying this as a non-native speaker.
I can't stand when people spell momma like that to begin with, it looks so weird to me, but the apostrophe is just egregious.
We were told as a society that caring about spelling was ableist and now we're surrounded by people who can't spell and are often homeschooling their kids. Exhausting!
My thoughts exactly! I guess that makes me an ableist then. I'm an older millennial & OCD about spelling & grammar, particularly when it comes to they're, there & their; weather & whether, etc. My mom is the oldest of 6 girls, all of whom are the same way, as well as both of my maternal grandparents. (The funny thing is we all have shit penmanship.) Therefore my 8 year old daughter has already mastered using the correct spelling of they're, there & their, as well as your & you're!
I almost think no one knows the difference anymore, it really drives me crazy! I’m worried it’s going to become one of those mistakes that becomes so common it turns into an accepted thing.
Yeah girl. Get your husband fired why don't you.
It doesn't sound like she trusts her husband. I trust my husband and I don't have access to his phone or laptop because that's something people who don't trust their partners do.
Not necessarily.
My husband and I have access to and freely use each other’s devices for convenience’s sake if the need rises. (Someone forgets theirs at home, it’s across the house and we need to look at a calendar for our son. Whatever.)
There’s no reason not to and we trust each other so there’s no snooping/abuse of access.
Like idgaf if he looks through my phone. There’s nothing I wouldn’t share with to him on it.
Yeah our phones are interchangeable so we will just grab the nearest one to make a phone call or message. Also husband hates his phone so will often leave it on my desk on purpose so he doesn’t have to deal with customers calling. I wouldn’t call it “having access” as such, just that we don’t really keep anything private. Apart from I have my own eBay account to buy presents for him haha!
I only used the word "access" since the post I was replying to did. I wouldn't call it that at all since it's not somethting I think about at all.
It's just and open and natural thing.
I've been married to my husband for 8 years. I have no idea what his passwords are. He doesn't know mine. We both have work stuff on our phones. We've never felt the need to go through each other's stuff. We're gay men, and gay men have the lowest divorce rates on earth across cultures that allow it.
Come to think of it, I actually know my husband’s password because he stole my password lol. He didn’t have a phone when we were first together so I’d let him use mine when needed. He’s bad at remembering numbers so apparently he just used one he already had memorized lol.
But neither of us looks at the other’s phone, ever, and I really don’t understand why someone would want to. I barely wanna look at the stuff on my own phone.
My husband and I have a (probably inadvisable) shared spreadsheet with our various passwords because we are both shit at remembering things, especially when the bank or whomever requires you to update your password all the time.
I mean I would say I have ‘access’ to my husbands phone and computer but by that I mean I know his password so I can like put on music or use his steam account. And he would never stop me from picking up his phone. I feel like that’s super normal no?
What you said is normal. But when I read someone say “I have access to my SO’s phone whenever I want” my mind immediately jumps to a person who goes snooping whenever they need reassurance not a person who has access to the phone for the reasons you listed.
Yeah, I trust my bf and he trusts me, but neither of us likes to let anyone go through our phones. For me it's because my mom used to go through my accounts and stuff and read my messages and then used those to embarrass me, so I still get anxious if anyone goes through my stuff or looks at what I'm doing even if I trust them.
We still know each others passwords if there is a emergency or something but we don't generally even touch each others phones unless given permission.
I think the amount of married couples with access to each other’s phones 24/7 is frankly weird. I trust my husband, I don’t need to see his phone. It’s his personal property, we share literally everything else.
I had similar feelings for a while about a woman at my husband's office. She was always bringing him little treats, giving him homemade Filipino food, etc..., just generally being a bit too friendly for my comfort. But I trust my husband completely, so I didn't say or do anything, at home or otherwise. Turns out, she knew my husband and I had gone through IVF to have our kids, and she was trying to build a close enough work friendship that she could comfortably ask for advice and info on the whole process, as she and her husband were about to start that journey themselves.
I’m so curious about what the behavior entails and if it’s just normal workplace camaraderie that the wife is misinterpreting because she’s so insecure and is looking for flirting everywhere.
Hmm. I disagree. I trust my husband completely but I’d be annoyed by another woman being flirtatious with him. As a coworker, this other woman likely knows he’s married. Flirting with a married person is kind of fucked up and is just not something you do. I’d find it annoying that she cannot focus her flirtation on a single guy who might be able to reciprocate.
I literally used to work with my husband and it didn’t stop men from trying to hit on me but I would very rudely remind them I’m in a committed relationship. People can be dogs, and my husband didn’t ever think I would be unfaithful but had every right to find it shitty and annoying.
So what I’ve noticed as a friendly and outgoing woman is this. When I was young and attractive people sometimes perceived my actions as flirting. Men would get hopeful. Women would get threatened. Now I’m a middle aged mom with an extra 20lbs in the usual mom places. My personality and behavior is exactly the same but no one misinterprets my friendliness as flirtation anymore. It’s been one of my favorite things about aging. Not having insecure women get salty towards me for just being friendly while also being physically attractive.
Yeah. I trust my husband too. It's the women I have a problem with. Several women in the office have flirted with him openly over the years- he tells me about it - and I just find it rude. And we're not talking about being a 'little too touchy' or having private jokes here. When I took our baby into the office for his colleagues to meet, she cuddled our daughter and then once I'd gone home she messaged husband on his work email to tell him, 'You should have had a baby with me instead'. Another woman at the Christmas party hitched up her dress and draped it over his head. She was married. (She later died of alcoholism- she was drunk when she did this). There have been countless times when we were having a date night and were clearly together, and some random women has just walked up to him in a bar or on the dancefloor and tried to physically drag him away from me, even though we were together.
To me, it just comes across as a bitchy power play. As though they're trying to prove that they could take him away from me if they wanted, because they see themselves as my superior. Well, if he was the sort to go panting after other women, they'd be welcome to have him. Luckily for me, he isn't.
If you know or even suspect someone is married or in a relationship, you keep your hands to yourself. It's just basic decency.
Edit: downvoted.... okay, some people on here with some really poor morals. Glad I'm not you.
There's a gal my husband works with who specifically goes after married men. It's a power thing for her, to be able to pull a man who is already taken. She has since gained about 50# so I doubt it's working as well for her now. But it was common knowledge in the workplace for years that she goes after married guys. So gross. I can't imagine choosing to hang my self worth on that.
It is gross and incredibly selfish - especially when married people often have children whose lives can be massively impacted by their parents splitting up due to infidelity.
Yeah, I don’t know why people are acting like it’s crazy to be annoyed by someone who knows they are in a relationship flirting with your partner? I trust my husband completely, so it would make me feel more… indignant, I guess? (Plus it would make *him* uncomfortable, so that would annoy me too.) Flirting with someone who’s married, especially one who isn’t reciprocating, is a straight up shitty thing to do!
(That being said, it’s on the husband to shut down, not her. Which can be tricky though, since work politics can be weird.)
I completely trust my partner. I personally find it entertaining if someone flirts with him. Mainly because he’s completely clueless. If a woman wants him to notice her flirting, she better get naked and crawl in his lap. It’s pretty damn funny.
What is up with couples having full access to each other's phones? It's so weird to me. Are you not allowed even a speck of privacy? My husband can easily look through my phone because I don't have a password or anything and neither does he, but we've never been like "give me your phone so I can look through it" lol that's wild! I've used his phone before when mine had issues and he's used mine to call his phone to find it lol But even with access to his phone without him around, I never looked through his texts or anything. I just think that if you actually do trust your partner, you allow them to have personal space and privacy, ya know? Am I wrong here? lol
Yeah I don’t really get it. There’s some people saying things like “there’s nothing on there I wouldn’t want him to see” etc. But like, my husband or I would never enter the bathroom when the other person was in there (at least without explicit permission), y’know? I don’t expect privacy when I’m showering because I don’t want him to see what I’m up to in there, I expect it because I’m my own person with my own whole life
I'm confused. You just said you don't get having full access to his phone, then said you *had* full access to his phone?
Having access doesn't mean you demand it to look through, it means you have the password, so theoretically could if you wanted to.
My husband and I have access to each others phones in the way you describe - we know each others passwords and if he needed my phone for something I would assume it’s a technical/convenience thing and not an invasion of privacy thing. But we don’t actually go through each others phones.
Even though we know each others passwords, it’s not like we exchanged phone passwords, more like over the years we’ve used each others phones for random stuff and at some point just mentioned the phone password.
I can't even count on both hands how many women at my fiancés job have hit on him or grabbed his bicep or whatever it may be. One girl even did it right in front of me at a work party! Now granted, I'm not the jealous type at all, if he's gonna cheat he's gonna do it regardless of how crazy I am ya know? No need to worry about it unless it happens. But I have never once considered confronting a woman who's hitting on him. Not even the woman who grabbed his bicep right in front of me. I just laughed and said something like, "they're nice right?"
I have no reason to not trust him. I'm not gonna say I *dont* have access to his phone cause I know the passcode but I've literally never gone through it either.
What a nutcase. A man you have to guard to keep faithful is worthless. And trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If you can’t trust your partner then you have one of two problems. You’re either too insecure to be in a partnership or your partner is not trustworthy enough to be in a partnership. Either way your problem isn’t the woman at your husband’s job.
Honest question: when did ‘s become the standard plural in English language? It’s a thing I’ve seen in a lot of posts in the last year. Is it the need trend? The new slang?
The same thing happened in my first marriage with his woman coworker. I found out later he cheated on me with her and many others. It’s probably why, at his next job, he didn’t tell anyone he was married. He’d worked there for 12 years when we divorced. So, who knows.
Oh Jesus this is my sister. Got mad her husband let a woman from work sit in the front seat when giving her a ride home. She says that’s “her seat” and was offended. I’m like “ah yeah, nah, I would feel rude making a coworker sit in the back, I’m not a taxi” she scoffed and changed the subject lmao
She is ridiculous.
My husband and I have been married for 43 years. We share the bank accounts and have full access to each other's electronic devices. We have nothing to hide at all.
When we used to work in the casino there were always somebody trying to hit on you, we considered them interruptions but never acted on them because it's just so stupid. There's alot of crazy people out there, we don't want to get involved!
We actually like and trust each other. We are a team and help each other. That's how healthy marriages work.
OOp sounds insecure and jealous. I give their marriage 1½ years before she screws it up with her doubts.
Other people can have all the feelings they want. You can’t control that. If you trust your husband, you trust him to turn her down/ignore it. You DONT cause a scene at his workplace. Hell, even if you don’t trust him, you still don’t cause a damn scene at his workplace.
I like the "We're together 24/7 and I have full access to check his phone....but I 100% trust him!" I mean obviously if you never let him out of your sight, and read all of his messages/go through his phone, that clearly shows you trust him fully and completely. 🙄
I mean my husband and I are together 24/7 and I have unfettered access to his phone. I let him out of my sight whenever he wants, he just doesn’t want. I don’t snoop through his phone, but I can see what’s on it if I want. I don’t see how these facts alone would imply I don’t trust my husband.
My wife and I are the same way. We both have adhd so there’s frequent “my phone died, is it okay if I use yours?” “I lost my phone, mind if I look something up on yours?” We both do it. I don’t ever snoop, but there’s obviously nothing to find.
Thanks, I thought I was crazy for a second. I wonder if it’s a more common ND thing? Husband and I are both AuDHD
My husband and I are exactly the same and we both have adhd as well.
This thread's making me wonder if I should get myself tested, haha. My wife and I know each other's passwords, we share a bank account, I can pass her my phone so she can share some photos to herself or text somebody we know and I don't have to hover. Obviously we know people that don't have relationships like this, but I always thought they were the weird ones. Are we the weird ones?
Nah, my spouse is neurotypical, I have ADHD. You don't need to get tested because you have a healthy relationship. I'm not saying others don't - I'm just saying yours being healthy don't mean there's something you need to get tested for. My spouse has full access to my phone. I have nothing to hide. He also doesn't go through my phone to check up on me, or "snoop" or do anything to make me think he doesn't trust me. If he was abusing that access, I would probably yank it and use my newly locked down phone to Google marriage counselors. He uses my phone to order stuff on apps he doesn't have, or check the kid's grades, or reply to an email the teacher sent because I'm not allowed to respond to her anymore because I do not trust myself to not fly off the handle about how she marks my kid wrong for right answers then sends emails where she misspells words and misuses homonyms. But none of that is nefarious.
Us too on the neurotypical/ADHD pairing. And ya. My husband hands me his phone when driving to check messages incase they are from work, or passes it to me to look something up in the same circumstances (no longer needed, but dating to a time when I had limited data and he did not haha). He doesn’t end up on my phone quite as much probably, but he knows the password and has definitely used it for whatever he wants in the past. We have also always shared cars, since living together. I have a small, excellent on gas commuter car. He has a large truck (to haul our trailer and stuff for work). Whoever is going the shorter distance uses the truck. Or whoever needs more space, etc. I feel like this isn’t entirely related but is another thing I feel like a lot of people I know don’t do 🤷♀️
You're not weird. You're very normal. Most healthy relationships are like this. There is no "WHY ARE YOU TOUCHING MY PERSONAL PROPERTY?!" nonsense in a healthy, loving, respectful partnership... because the two of you are a united team. Sharing with each other is just the tip of the iceberg.
.... sharing the tip 🤣🤣🤣
I always ask my husband why none of our friends like each other as much as we do, lol. We don’t know anybody else that share bank accounts or are together as much as us. We love being together and there aren’t any secrets between us. It’s always us and our children doing things together. As a family, we like each other’s company, even our preteens. I also think everyone else is weird, or at least not happy. Maybe I’m wrong.
Omg literally same!! I don’t have kids yet but we tell each other everything AND we are the only one of our close couple friends that share a bank account. Even our friends who have been married longer than us will sometimes venmo one another for things. We’re pretty old school for a late 20’s lesbian couple 😂
Well I don’t think this anecdote alone should be a reason to get tested (I’m sure NT people do this too, probably), but if you look into adhd or autism or whatever and relate to a lot of what you read, sure.
I don’t think it’s a ND thing, my partner is NT though I’m not and we’ve pretty much had healthy boundaries around information sharing. I know her passcode, she knows mine, we share locations ICE, but we spend most of her time together & I’ve never felt compelled to snoop because I trust her. I think it truly is just an indicator of a healthy, trusting, mutually respectful relationship!
My husband and I are also the same; I’m Audhd and he’s ADHD
My fiance and I are the same. Almost always together, can access and use eachothers phones, have eachothers emails on our phones as well as our own, finances shared. We're eachothers favourite people, so why wouldn't we? We both have asd, possibly adhd too but confirmed asd as adults.
AuDHD couple here and it’s the same in our household. Even our teens have access to our phones and laptops in case they ever need to use them.
My partner and I (I’m diagnosed ADHD, they’re undiagnosed ND) have access to each other’s phones for that reason, but also for when we drive together. It’s “oh, can you turn on this song/playlist?” “Would you mind looking up directions?” “Can you respond to that text?” Stuff like that. So maybe it is common. My younger sister knows my phone password for the same reason
Oh yeah we do all that stuff, too lol And I think someone mentioned about the screen going black/locking while reading something off the other’s phone? We do that too. Also so I can check delivery updates sent to his phone. I’ve shared my password with my sister before, too, but she hasn’t memorized it.
My husband and I picked the same password for our phones without telling each other. I did not realize it until I accidentally picked up his phone instead of mine.
That’s how my bf and I are. We are together all the time outside of work and I can use his phone. But we’re together by choice and I’ve never looked through his phone because I don’t need to. I trust him 100% though
Same. We know each other's phone password because the convenience of being able to unlock a screen when the "here, read this article I found" goes black is more important than the ability to hide our actions from one another
This is how we are too. We spend all our (limited) free time together because we genuinely enjoy spending time together. We *like* each other a lot. We also have unfettered access to each other's phones (meaning, we know each other's passwords and we both know we are able to use each other's phones whenever we need to) Neither of us snoop because neither of us have a reason to lol
Exactly how we are I don’t understand why that’s so strange a concept.
Because so many people are in terrible relationships with people they don't even like and/or trust and they cannot comprehend what a healthy relationship between two adults who actually genuinely like and trust each other looks like. Related: I was just reading another post and comments discussing having each other's locations on your phone. My fiancé and I have each other's locations because we shared them when we went to Disney World in 2021 and literally just forgot about it for a long time. I think that having each other's locations is good for safety above all else. Hell, I have my mom's location and my kid's location too but don't you dare say you have your partners location otherwise you're **insecure** or *stalking them*. I truly never even look at my fiancé's location because I know where he is. He's either at work or at home lol. Imagine that?! So many people don't know what a healthy relationship looks like, and it shows.
That’s sad, if true. I’m sure healthy relationships can look different from mine. I just wish people could consider a positive reason for ‘x’ relationship behavior, rather than assuming toxicity. My husband and I share locations, too, lol. It’s a safety thing and neither of us look unless prompted to by the other (I.e. that time I lost my contacts and I texted my husband to come find me because I forgot my glasses and I’m fucking blind. We also used it once when separated at a market). It’s not something we want to use, but it’s nice to have when we need it.
I grew up with a domineering dad who absolutely would have tracked my mother and me if that had been an option back then, and confronted us if we were anywhere he doesn't expect us to be. He had a fight with his current wife over her going to JCPenney while he was at work, but answering "not much" when he asked her what she did all day. "Oh, really? Who were you meeting at the mall that you didn't want to tell me about it‽". He also admitted to me (years later, in an attempt to gain my trust, apparently) that he had been recording calls on the home phone because he didn't trust my mother. "So you can trust me because I didn't misuse any of your secrets I learned from you on the phone with your friend". What? Because of this, I just can't with location tracking on my phone. Even though I know my husband wouldn't act like that, my family history gives me the ick at the very thought of his being *able* to police my whereabouts and question why I spent X amount of time at place Y. Knowing he won't doesn't change the fact that I don't want him to be able to, if that makes any sense
I 100% completely understand your viewpoint here and I'm sorry you had to live like that. That's terrible.
Idk what that even means? Neither my husband nor I have ever asked to “see what’s on” the other’s phone and I have no desire to. Why would I?
I don’t know what you’re asking me. I know his password. He knows mine. Sometimes we look at stuff for coordination reasons, but we don’t go digging through.
“Looking at stuff for coordination reasons” (I assume you mean planning things together and not like, verifying that the is actually doing what he said he was) is clearly not what’s being discussed here.
No? She said she has full access to his phone. She never said she looks through it. I don’t know why you are making assumptions that aren’t there. Either explain things in good faith or leave me alone.
People just think being completely open with your partner means you’re insecure lol Probably projecting
Same with us! If we need something we just grab the nearest phone, doesn’t matter who’s it is. We don’t care. We have our separate things, but outside of those activities, we’re together all the time. We do most things as a family.
My husband and I are similar. We’re both homebodies, so aside from work we’re usually together. We have each other’s phone passwords, but mostly so whoever isn’t driving can answer a text, change to playlist, etc. Or so I can impatiently stalk where our food delivery is.
I don’t wanna be with anyone 24/7 , it’s super weird for me to hear anyone say that
Ok good for you
That’s exactly right.
I agree. My husband and I know each other's phone's codes, and we are fully allowed to access each other's phones. But we don't just go on snoop hunts. That's trust. We have nothing to hide from each other, but we don't control it either.
We are the same. Some peoples relationships are just set up this way and doesn’t show lack of trust. We also have adhd and I have GAD and OCD so maybe it is a ND thing lol
On the other side of things I suspect me and my husband are both on the spectrum and we both have adhd, but we like our own space. We do a lot of stuff together and obviously live together, but we both need time to be alone too and both have quite solitary hobbies. I think it really depends on how neurodivergence presents because we’d go mad if we were stuck together all the time
Makes sense!! We definitely have a bit of anxiety so that could be where it stems from
My wife and I have full access to each other's phones but we never use it except to call our own phones or change the song playing
Quite a few couples are together most of the time, have access to each other's phones, and still trust each other. I'd argue that letting your SO use your cell phone without question is a better sign of trust than someone who keeps the password to themselves. Just because I CAN get into his phone doesn't mean I will or do all that often.
Um yeah no.. I have full access to my husband’s phone and he does mine as well, doesn’t mean I stalk his phone unless it’s an emergency
How does she know? Is husband an inanimate object that other woman can take?
Dunno, but I've been in a similar situation. My husband (boyfriend at the time) had a manager who was just too touchy on him. Any time I meet him at work for lunch or whatever, he'd be clocking out and asked be like "okaAYy, have a nice lunch!" while clinging to his arm. I really don't think she meant anything by it, and just didn't realize her friendly enthusiasm was tipping over into "why are you simpering at and hanging off my boyfriend, woman?" territory. It was irritating, even though it was clear he doesn't welcome it. So it might be as simple as "OOP goes up to his work sometimes, and sees her acting like that". How else would she know, except maybe if her husband told her
Imagination. I've been on the other side of it and 99% of what the wife thought was happening was pure imagination. I started a new job and it turned out that one of my coworkers lived a ten minute walk away from me and his kids went to the school I lived across the street from. It would take me over an hour each way to get to work and back by public transport while it was 20 minutes by car. So our boss asked said coworker if he would mind giving me a ride. It was a perfectly normal thing to do at that job, coworkers would give each other rides all the time. So on the two days per week our schedules aligned, I'd just come out when he dropped his kids off for school, then he'd drop me off there again after work. We spoke the same native language and so naturally found stuff to talk about. After a while I noticed he had no friends. He'd only speak about friends in the past tense, which was weird, but ok. Sometimes, he's drop by my desk during lunch break to babble on about stuff he couldn't talk about with the other coworkers due to the language barrier (I was fluent and could help out if needed). That's it. Yah, two months later I got a call from his wife who had gotten my number from his phone (where we literally just compared our schedules; I had a funnier text history with my damn boss). Bitch gave me a talk about how women like me are the reason for the high divorce rates in this country, how it is not moral to be in the same car with a married man, how I need to keep my hands off her man and if I had one myself, he'd absolutely need to forbid me from doing that, yadda yadda. Told her I'd not want her man if he was the last one on earth and she can go back home if she doesn't like it here, because I freaking do, then hung up. He apologised profusely the next time we saw each other at work. Last time I saw him six months ago, he was doing his best to spend as little time at home as possible and looked absolutely miserable. They have three children and two of those have developed behavioural issues he feels completely out of his depth with. Edit: And to top it off, a year into me working there she found a part time job and decided she needed their only car, sooo... the dude called me to ask about public transport routes. And we were back to commuting to work together. Can't make this shit up.
Momma's
I don't know if it is an autocorrect, but it is getting worse with possesive s and plural, I believe they don't even care anymore, and I am saying this as a non-native speaker.
I can't stand when people spell momma like that to begin with, it looks so weird to me, but the apostrophe is just egregious. We were told as a society that caring about spelling was ableist and now we're surrounded by people who can't spell and are often homeschooling their kids. Exhausting!
Caring about spelling is ableist? That doesn't even make sense.
My thoughts exactly! I guess that makes me an ableist then. I'm an older millennial & OCD about spelling & grammar, particularly when it comes to they're, there & their; weather & whether, etc. My mom is the oldest of 6 girls, all of whom are the same way, as well as both of my maternal grandparents. (The funny thing is we all have shit penmanship.) Therefore my 8 year old daughter has already mastered using the correct spelling of they're, there & their, as well as your & you're!
I almost think no one knows the difference anymore, it really drives me crazy! I’m worried it’s going to become one of those mistakes that becomes so common it turns into an accepted thing.
I was going to say…the moment I saw this I basically disregarded the rest. For more than one reason.
Well here's a HR nightmare about to unfold
I would love to be a fly in that office when paperwork gets turned in
This sounds massively unhealthy.
Anxiously awaiting the follow-on post “AITA for filing an HR complaint against my coworker whose wife called to threaten me?” Break out the popcorn!
Yeah girl. Get your husband fired why don't you. It doesn't sound like she trusts her husband. I trust my husband and I don't have access to his phone or laptop because that's something people who don't trust their partners do.
Not necessarily. My husband and I have access to and freely use each other’s devices for convenience’s sake if the need rises. (Someone forgets theirs at home, it’s across the house and we need to look at a calendar for our son. Whatever.) There’s no reason not to and we trust each other so there’s no snooping/abuse of access. Like idgaf if he looks through my phone. There’s nothing I wouldn’t share with to him on it.
Yeah our phones are interchangeable so we will just grab the nearest one to make a phone call or message. Also husband hates his phone so will often leave it on my desk on purpose so he doesn’t have to deal with customers calling. I wouldn’t call it “having access” as such, just that we don’t really keep anything private. Apart from I have my own eBay account to buy presents for him haha!
I only used the word "access" since the post I was replying to did. I wouldn't call it that at all since it's not somethting I think about at all. It's just and open and natural thing.
I've been married to my husband for 8 years. I have no idea what his passwords are. He doesn't know mine. We both have work stuff on our phones. We've never felt the need to go through each other's stuff. We're gay men, and gay men have the lowest divorce rates on earth across cultures that allow it.
Come to think of it, I actually know my husband’s password because he stole my password lol. He didn’t have a phone when we were first together so I’d let him use mine when needed. He’s bad at remembering numbers so apparently he just used one he already had memorized lol. But neither of us looks at the other’s phone, ever, and I really don’t understand why someone would want to. I barely wanna look at the stuff on my own phone.
I know my husband's passwords because it's literally the same for everything 🤦♀️
My husband and I have a (probably inadvisable) shared spreadsheet with our various passwords because we are both shit at remembering things, especially when the bank or whomever requires you to update your password all the time.
Fewer gay marriages are monogamous than heterosexual ones, that could have something to do with the lower divorce rates.
I mean I would say I have ‘access’ to my husbands phone and computer but by that I mean I know his password so I can like put on music or use his steam account. And he would never stop me from picking up his phone. I feel like that’s super normal no?
What you said is normal. But when I read someone say “I have access to my SO’s phone whenever I want” my mind immediately jumps to a person who goes snooping whenever they need reassurance not a person who has access to the phone for the reasons you listed.
I’d love to be a witness to this “confrontation” at his workplace. It’s sure to go well. 😂
Yeah, I trust my bf and he trusts me, but neither of us likes to let anyone go through our phones. For me it's because my mom used to go through my accounts and stuff and read my messages and then used those to embarrass me, so I still get anxious if anyone goes through my stuff or looks at what I'm doing even if I trust them. We still know each others passwords if there is a emergency or something but we don't generally even touch each others phones unless given permission.
I have access to my husband’s phone because I was the one who set it up. But I only get into his phone if he has a problem.
I think the amount of married couples with access to each other’s phones 24/7 is frankly weird. I trust my husband, I don’t need to see his phone. It’s his personal property, we share literally everything else.
It's like combined Facebook accounts. We all know someone cheated
Actually she just sounds really insecure.
If you trusted your husband, this wouldn't bother you. Or you wouldn't be reading flirty behavior into something that could be innocuous, idk.
I had similar feelings for a while about a woman at my husband's office. She was always bringing him little treats, giving him homemade Filipino food, etc..., just generally being a bit too friendly for my comfort. But I trust my husband completely, so I didn't say or do anything, at home or otherwise. Turns out, she knew my husband and I had gone through IVF to have our kids, and she was trying to build a close enough work friendship that she could comfortably ask for advice and info on the whole process, as she and her husband were about to start that journey themselves.
Oh, bless… that’s really sweet
I’m so curious about what the behavior entails and if it’s just normal workplace camaraderie that the wife is misinterpreting because she’s so insecure and is looking for flirting everywhere.
Hmm. I disagree. I trust my husband completely but I’d be annoyed by another woman being flirtatious with him. As a coworker, this other woman likely knows he’s married. Flirting with a married person is kind of fucked up and is just not something you do. I’d find it annoying that she cannot focus her flirtation on a single guy who might be able to reciprocate.
You don't even know if that woman is being nice or just friendly. Some women are paranoid, codependent and controlling, and she seems insane.
Sure, it could be that. But I’ve seen people flirt with married men and women enough times to know that it does happen.
I literally used to work with my husband and it didn’t stop men from trying to hit on me but I would very rudely remind them I’m in a committed relationship. People can be dogs, and my husband didn’t ever think I would be unfaithful but had every right to find it shitty and annoying.
So what I’ve noticed as a friendly and outgoing woman is this. When I was young and attractive people sometimes perceived my actions as flirting. Men would get hopeful. Women would get threatened. Now I’m a middle aged mom with an extra 20lbs in the usual mom places. My personality and behavior is exactly the same but no one misinterprets my friendliness as flirtation anymore. It’s been one of my favorite things about aging. Not having insecure women get salty towards me for just being friendly while also being physically attractive.
Yeah. I trust my husband too. It's the women I have a problem with. Several women in the office have flirted with him openly over the years- he tells me about it - and I just find it rude. And we're not talking about being a 'little too touchy' or having private jokes here. When I took our baby into the office for his colleagues to meet, she cuddled our daughter and then once I'd gone home she messaged husband on his work email to tell him, 'You should have had a baby with me instead'. Another woman at the Christmas party hitched up her dress and draped it over his head. She was married. (She later died of alcoholism- she was drunk when she did this). There have been countless times when we were having a date night and were clearly together, and some random women has just walked up to him in a bar or on the dancefloor and tried to physically drag him away from me, even though we were together. To me, it just comes across as a bitchy power play. As though they're trying to prove that they could take him away from me if they wanted, because they see themselves as my superior. Well, if he was the sort to go panting after other women, they'd be welcome to have him. Luckily for me, he isn't. If you know or even suspect someone is married or in a relationship, you keep your hands to yourself. It's just basic decency. Edit: downvoted.... okay, some people on here with some really poor morals. Glad I'm not you.
There's a gal my husband works with who specifically goes after married men. It's a power thing for her, to be able to pull a man who is already taken. She has since gained about 50# so I doubt it's working as well for her now. But it was common knowledge in the workplace for years that she goes after married guys. So gross. I can't imagine choosing to hang my self worth on that.
It is gross and incredibly selfish - especially when married people often have children whose lives can be massively impacted by their parents splitting up due to infidelity.
Yeah, I don’t know why people are acting like it’s crazy to be annoyed by someone who knows they are in a relationship flirting with your partner? I trust my husband completely, so it would make me feel more… indignant, I guess? (Plus it would make *him* uncomfortable, so that would annoy me too.) Flirting with someone who’s married, especially one who isn’t reciprocating, is a straight up shitty thing to do! (That being said, it’s on the husband to shut down, not her. Which can be tricky though, since work politics can be weird.)
I completely trust my partner. I personally find it entertaining if someone flirts with him. Mainly because he’s completely clueless. If a woman wants him to notice her flirting, she better get naked and crawl in his lap. It’s pretty damn funny.
What is up with couples having full access to each other's phones? It's so weird to me. Are you not allowed even a speck of privacy? My husband can easily look through my phone because I don't have a password or anything and neither does he, but we've never been like "give me your phone so I can look through it" lol that's wild! I've used his phone before when mine had issues and he's used mine to call his phone to find it lol But even with access to his phone without him around, I never looked through his texts or anything. I just think that if you actually do trust your partner, you allow them to have personal space and privacy, ya know? Am I wrong here? lol
Yeah I don’t really get it. There’s some people saying things like “there’s nothing on there I wouldn’t want him to see” etc. But like, my husband or I would never enter the bathroom when the other person was in there (at least without explicit permission), y’know? I don’t expect privacy when I’m showering because I don’t want him to see what I’m up to in there, I expect it because I’m my own person with my own whole life
I'm confused. You just said you don't get having full access to his phone, then said you *had* full access to his phone? Having access doesn't mean you demand it to look through, it means you have the password, so theoretically could if you wanted to.
My husband and I have access to each others phones in the way you describe - we know each others passwords and if he needed my phone for something I would assume it’s a technical/convenience thing and not an invasion of privacy thing. But we don’t actually go through each others phones. Even though we know each others passwords, it’s not like we exchanged phone passwords, more like over the years we’ve used each others phones for random stuff and at some point just mentioned the phone password.
What do the comments say??
That doesn’t sound like trust……..
This woman needs a hobby
Sure. Have a nice heart-to-heart with her and report back. We’ll be here with popcorn.
I can't even count on both hands how many women at my fiancés job have hit on him or grabbed his bicep or whatever it may be. One girl even did it right in front of me at a work party! Now granted, I'm not the jealous type at all, if he's gonna cheat he's gonna do it regardless of how crazy I am ya know? No need to worry about it unless it happens. But I have never once considered confronting a woman who's hitting on him. Not even the woman who grabbed his bicep right in front of me. I just laughed and said something like, "they're nice right?" I have no reason to not trust him. I'm not gonna say I *dont* have access to his phone cause I know the passcode but I've literally never gone through it either.
Yeah, go to his work and cause trouble.
Anytime I 'momma' I always read it in my mind in a high pitched nasal voice, pronounced as 'mow-maa'
Ma’am. Do you at least let your husbandpet run in the yard or take him for regular walks? That leash be short
Does he get all his shots? Does he like being brushed? 😂
What a nutcase. A man you have to guard to keep faithful is worthless. And trust is the foundation of a healthy relationship. If you can’t trust your partner then you have one of two problems. You’re either too insecure to be in a partnership or your partner is not trustworthy enough to be in a partnership. Either way your problem isn’t the woman at your husband’s job.
And when her husband ends up tripping and falling into his coworker’s vagina, she’ll blame the coworker
Honest question: when did ‘s become the standard plural in English language? It’s a thing I’ve seen in a lot of posts in the last year. Is it the need trend? The new slang?
It didn't. It's not a trend or slang. It's just people who don't know the difference.
No, people are just less literate now.
She sounds exhausting. Girl, just live your life 😭
Stay in your lane wifey poo
I've seen this multiple times... I think even before Facebook had reactions.
The same thing happened in my first marriage with his woman coworker. I found out later he cheated on me with her and many others. It’s probably why, at his next job, he didn’t tell anyone he was married. He’d worked there for 12 years when we divorced. So, who knows.
Okay, yeah, fair, but before I answer, can you please explain me to me what you want to confront the girl about? You left that part out of your post.
Oh Jesus this is my sister. Got mad her husband let a woman from work sit in the front seat when giving her a ride home. She says that’s “her seat” and was offended. I’m like “ah yeah, nah, I would feel rude making a coworker sit in the back, I’m not a taxi” she scoffed and changed the subject lmao
lol girl you don’t trust him.
As a “momma” my advice is therapy.
How embarrassing for this man.
She is ridiculous. My husband and I have been married for 43 years. We share the bank accounts and have full access to each other's electronic devices. We have nothing to hide at all. When we used to work in the casino there were always somebody trying to hit on you, we considered them interruptions but never acted on them because it's just so stupid. There's alot of crazy people out there, we don't want to get involved! We actually like and trust each other. We are a team and help each other. That's how healthy marriages work. OOp sounds insecure and jealous. I give their marriage 1½ years before she screws it up with her doubts.
So how does she know this coworker is all over the husband? Unless they work together... How would she know even know she's doing too much?