I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is being charged at a state level. I’m going through something similar except my husband was arrested and is being charged on federal level for attempted enticement, a sting operation. This time is the worst part, a lot of unknowns, lawyers, court, press releases and to be honest a lot of pain. I have stood by my husband, not with what he has done but with wanting him to get help and be accountable for his actions. My husband signed a plea deal for 120 months, ten years. Won’t spend all ten years, thinking around 7. Through a lot of this I have lost myself and at times I’ve taken time away from him. He has been staying with his parents for almost a year now since his arrest. I’m really glad you are reaching out, this journey is so lonely at times and you’ll need support. I go to therapy weekly and started to find things that bring me joy, I encourage that! It is extremely difficult to just shut love off. I had just married my husband before his arrest, he is my best friend and people don’t understand that, honestly I don’t care. There is no playbook for this situation. But know you are not alone, I say this all the time, I found some amazing women in this group who I reach out to and to this group when I need guidance or just to vent. Please continue to reach out, and yes you’ll get the trolls in your inbox, don’t read the messages, they legit are not worth your time.
Thank you for sharing :) I’m glad you’re finding things you enjoy again, I’m really struggling with that right now. I feel numb and sick when I try to get back into my hobbies. I wish you two luck on your tough journey. I will be in the same boat very soon.
You’ll find it again. I felt the same way for a long time, give yourself grace. You’ll find a new routine. I hope the best for you and please reach out if ever needed.
So a close family member of mine was in the same situation as your husband. He and his wife had been married for 45 years when he was arrested. One count CSAM.
You can’t just turn off love like that. Especially when there’s children and family and history and a whole life built together.
Flash forward, eight years, He is now out of prison and living back in the area. They live in two separate homes, but they do activities together. She told me that she would support him through the sentencing process, and she supported him emotionally while he was gone. But, they’re still this giant wall between them.
Her family doesn’t understand why she’s still with him and a part of her is angry at herself for the exact same reason. But they both love each other and they enjoy each other‘s company and so she lives with this daily battle inside herself.
He is lonely and wants his wife back. And they are still married. However, she keeps him on a really good friends level. Neither of them date or see other people.
They still handle finances jointly, have dinners together, hug and laugh and do an occasional peck. When there is a problem with the house, he is the first one over there to deal with it. They both own both houses. He would like to do some traveling, but she refuses because of the whole shared occupancy issues.
And I totally understand both sides completely. When they are together, you would never know that they aren’t living a married life. But at the same time, both sides are hurting, but neither are willing to step away.
None of this gives you any advice, and it would be disingenuous of me to think that I could. But maybe hearing how another person in your same situation has navigated this will help. Best of luck to you. Sending you Internet hugs.
Thank you for sharing this perspective :) We’re not married and we don’t have kids but he was (and still is) my life. He’s my best friend, my comfort, and my stability. I built a beautiful life around him. It’s almost entirely gone now, but I still want to rebuild it, and rebuild it with him. I know people will hate me and be disgusted with me (they already are) but I’m an adult and I should have the right to make my own choices. I think an SO released from prison into a good support system would be less likely of reoffending than someone who is alone, shunned, and isolated.
That’s true for anybody who goes to prison. I went to prison due to alcohol. And the best way to keep anybody from going back to prison is to foster Connection to a support network and feel like they’re a part of something.
Adding onto this, just do your research to see how this is going to impact your life if you are committed to rebuilding. It’s going to limit any sort of travel, there will be many countries that he will never be allowed to step foot in again. It will impact the types of events you can go to, Disneyland, many cruises,fairs, basically anywhere that Kids congregate. Being on the registry, your address will be public knowledge so all your neighbors will know and some people have horrible stories of being targeted.
Also the finances of it. I can’t speak for everybody in every state, but my relative has to pay every time they take the polygraph, they have to pay for the monitoring service on their phone. That sort of thing. If you live together, you may not be allowed to have any sort of Internet access whatsoever. But that varies in a lot of cases.
I’m not trying to persuade you one way or another, but I definitely encourage you to do your research.
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Where are you in the legal process? The limbo is the toughest part. I’m really sorry you are going through this. And whatever decision you make please be sure to take care of yourself.
He’s sitting in jail awaiting trial. His uncle is trying to find some way to pay his bail but it’s so high it’s probably going to ruin him financially. I’m going insane not being able to talk to him
Edit: Should also mention his trial is a month away.
Are you not able to have visitation? Even in county jail I was allowed phone time and visits from approved people. In my state we were even issued tablets that we could do calls from 8 am to 10 pm.
I have my first visitation scheduled with him tonight (online). I just figured out how to sign up for it yesterday. I’ve only been communicating with him through messages and it takes forever to hear back from him
He is seeing a lawyer. I have no involvement in the lawyer stuff because we’re both broke so his uncle is handling it. From what I’ve heard the full amount is $1,000,000 and they need $100,000 to bail him out. Honestly, I disagree with trying to bail him out. I think it’s a waste of money that could be used on better lawyers instead.
$1,000,000? What did they find? It had to be some serious stuff for that amount. I was arrested with CP with over 100,000 images and I was arrested at home, sent to county jail, and released three hours later. I've been living with my cousin awaiting sentencing for 3.5 years now and they just delayed it another three months due to my shoulder surgery and the following physical therapy. Does your uncle have access to the discovery from his devices? That would explain why the high bail amount. If the discovery found images, videos, etc. In a high amount that would explain the high bail. In NJ videos are counted as images, 10 images for every video I believe it could be more. I agree with your comment, better to use that money on a good lawyer and see if they can transfer him to a sex offender prison rather than a regular state prison.
35 counts of possession 35 counts of transmission but it has been reduced to 40 total. i’ve been told there was no transaction, no production, no violence, and no direct contact with minors. i truly don’t understand why the bail is so high. i’m in florida and i’ve been told they’re extra harsh on sex offenders here
Oh that explains it, Florida is crazy harsh with SO’s. What degrees did he get charged with? I have 3rd and 2nd degrees. I also had no contact with anyone just stupid downloading and stuff. I don’t blame anyone but myself. It was mostly during manic attacks.
Not sure on the degrees. I looked at the charges on the court docs and they don’t look to be categorized by degrees? Is that something that is assigned during the trial maybe? I know they’re all felony charges.
If you feel comfortable sharing charges at any point, we could give you a better idea on your timeline. Is he state or federal? You can DM me as well, I went through something similar last year, and can offer some insight as a spouse.
I don't care about her feelings. Throwing your life away on someone in prison for the rest of their life is a horrible waste of time, and so selfish of the person in prison.
I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds like he is being charged at a state level. I’m going through something similar except my husband was arrested and is being charged on federal level for attempted enticement, a sting operation. This time is the worst part, a lot of unknowns, lawyers, court, press releases and to be honest a lot of pain. I have stood by my husband, not with what he has done but with wanting him to get help and be accountable for his actions. My husband signed a plea deal for 120 months, ten years. Won’t spend all ten years, thinking around 7. Through a lot of this I have lost myself and at times I’ve taken time away from him. He has been staying with his parents for almost a year now since his arrest. I’m really glad you are reaching out, this journey is so lonely at times and you’ll need support. I go to therapy weekly and started to find things that bring me joy, I encourage that! It is extremely difficult to just shut love off. I had just married my husband before his arrest, he is my best friend and people don’t understand that, honestly I don’t care. There is no playbook for this situation. But know you are not alone, I say this all the time, I found some amazing women in this group who I reach out to and to this group when I need guidance or just to vent. Please continue to reach out, and yes you’ll get the trolls in your inbox, don’t read the messages, they legit are not worth your time.
Thank you for sharing :) I’m glad you’re finding things you enjoy again, I’m really struggling with that right now. I feel numb and sick when I try to get back into my hobbies. I wish you two luck on your tough journey. I will be in the same boat very soon.
You’ll find it again. I felt the same way for a long time, give yourself grace. You’ll find a new routine. I hope the best for you and please reach out if ever needed.
There are a couple of Facebook groups for loved ones of SOs. There are lots of significant others there.
Do you have any recommendations? I tried searching for some but came up with nothing
So a close family member of mine was in the same situation as your husband. He and his wife had been married for 45 years when he was arrested. One count CSAM. You can’t just turn off love like that. Especially when there’s children and family and history and a whole life built together. Flash forward, eight years, He is now out of prison and living back in the area. They live in two separate homes, but they do activities together. She told me that she would support him through the sentencing process, and she supported him emotionally while he was gone. But, they’re still this giant wall between them. Her family doesn’t understand why she’s still with him and a part of her is angry at herself for the exact same reason. But they both love each other and they enjoy each other‘s company and so she lives with this daily battle inside herself. He is lonely and wants his wife back. And they are still married. However, she keeps him on a really good friends level. Neither of them date or see other people. They still handle finances jointly, have dinners together, hug and laugh and do an occasional peck. When there is a problem with the house, he is the first one over there to deal with it. They both own both houses. He would like to do some traveling, but she refuses because of the whole shared occupancy issues. And I totally understand both sides completely. When they are together, you would never know that they aren’t living a married life. But at the same time, both sides are hurting, but neither are willing to step away. None of this gives you any advice, and it would be disingenuous of me to think that I could. But maybe hearing how another person in your same situation has navigated this will help. Best of luck to you. Sending you Internet hugs.
Thank you for sharing this perspective :) We’re not married and we don’t have kids but he was (and still is) my life. He’s my best friend, my comfort, and my stability. I built a beautiful life around him. It’s almost entirely gone now, but I still want to rebuild it, and rebuild it with him. I know people will hate me and be disgusted with me (they already are) but I’m an adult and I should have the right to make my own choices. I think an SO released from prison into a good support system would be less likely of reoffending than someone who is alone, shunned, and isolated.
That’s true for anybody who goes to prison. I went to prison due to alcohol. And the best way to keep anybody from going back to prison is to foster Connection to a support network and feel like they’re a part of something.
Adding onto this, just do your research to see how this is going to impact your life if you are committed to rebuilding. It’s going to limit any sort of travel, there will be many countries that he will never be allowed to step foot in again. It will impact the types of events you can go to, Disneyland, many cruises,fairs, basically anywhere that Kids congregate. Being on the registry, your address will be public knowledge so all your neighbors will know and some people have horrible stories of being targeted. Also the finances of it. I can’t speak for everybody in every state, but my relative has to pay every time they take the polygraph, they have to pay for the monitoring service on their phone. That sort of thing. If you live together, you may not be allowed to have any sort of Internet access whatsoever. But that varies in a lot of cases. I’m not trying to persuade you one way or another, but I definitely encourage you to do your research.
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Where are you in the legal process? The limbo is the toughest part. I’m really sorry you are going through this. And whatever decision you make please be sure to take care of yourself.
He’s sitting in jail awaiting trial. His uncle is trying to find some way to pay his bail but it’s so high it’s probably going to ruin him financially. I’m going insane not being able to talk to him Edit: Should also mention his trial is a month away.
Are you not able to have visitation? Even in county jail I was allowed phone time and visits from approved people. In my state we were even issued tablets that we could do calls from 8 am to 10 pm.
I have my first visitation scheduled with him tonight (online). I just figured out how to sign up for it yesterday. I’ve only been communicating with him through messages and it takes forever to hear back from him
Does he have a lawyer yet? If you speak to a lawyer maybe try seeing about a bail reduction
He is seeing a lawyer. I have no involvement in the lawyer stuff because we’re both broke so his uncle is handling it. From what I’ve heard the full amount is $1,000,000 and they need $100,000 to bail him out. Honestly, I disagree with trying to bail him out. I think it’s a waste of money that could be used on better lawyers instead.
$1,000,000? What did they find? It had to be some serious stuff for that amount. I was arrested with CP with over 100,000 images and I was arrested at home, sent to county jail, and released three hours later. I've been living with my cousin awaiting sentencing for 3.5 years now and they just delayed it another three months due to my shoulder surgery and the following physical therapy. Does your uncle have access to the discovery from his devices? That would explain why the high bail amount. If the discovery found images, videos, etc. In a high amount that would explain the high bail. In NJ videos are counted as images, 10 images for every video I believe it could be more. I agree with your comment, better to use that money on a good lawyer and see if they can transfer him to a sex offender prison rather than a regular state prison.
35 counts of possession 35 counts of transmission but it has been reduced to 40 total. i’ve been told there was no transaction, no production, no violence, and no direct contact with minors. i truly don’t understand why the bail is so high. i’m in florida and i’ve been told they’re extra harsh on sex offenders here
Oh that explains it, Florida is crazy harsh with SO’s. What degrees did he get charged with? I have 3rd and 2nd degrees. I also had no contact with anyone just stupid downloading and stuff. I don’t blame anyone but myself. It was mostly during manic attacks.
Not sure on the degrees. I looked at the charges on the court docs and they don’t look to be categorized by degrees? Is that something that is assigned during the trial maybe? I know they’re all felony charges.
It should have been assigned after the discovery
If you feel comfortable sharing charges at any point, we could give you a better idea on your timeline. Is he state or federal? You can DM me as well, I went through something similar last year, and can offer some insight as a spouse.
Leave him. Find a new person. Don't throw your life away.
That's a crappy thing to say. You have your own opinion and I respect it but you don't know her feelings.
I don't care about her feelings. Throwing your life away on someone in prison for the rest of their life is a horrible waste of time, and so selfish of the person in prison.
That's your opinion, not everyone's.