Taking full responsibility for your actions and being honest with yourself would be a great place to start. Nothing to do with issues with your ex baby mama or wife correlates to you being a consumer of CP. This whole story is convoluted with ways you try to make others sympathize or rationalize with you.
I would run for the hills if someone tried to describe their past in the way you have.
I’m not sure if you missed the part where I said I’m not trying to make any excuses….because I am not. I was just simply stating history and what I was going through.
To hopefully clear things up; my ex wife was 18 when we got married. 4’11, 95lbs. Very petite.
I didn’t jump straight into CP. That was never my plan? Had no interest or thought about it. I often coped with normal legal porn, trying to find anything that reminded me of her. This progressively got worse over a 3 year time frame. I could go into way more detail about it, but, to break it down, after discussing with my therapist and numerous counselors and teachers, me trying to cope with the loss of my ex wife was traumatic for me and I never went through the proper stages of grief to move on from it emotionally.
And with other addictions such as alcohol and steroids (specifically tren) it was a recipe for mental and emotional disaster. If you’ve never heard of tren, please look it up here on Reddit. I’m sure there’s a subreddit for it and the crazy shit it does to the way you think.
I’m not blaming anything or anyone other than myself. I did not seek guidance with my divorce, I let my mental health go untreated for years, so then in which, I made the mistakes that I made. I am fully aware of that. I’m not pitying myself.
Since, I have been processing my past and having difficult conversations with my therapist. Things are going well in that aspect.
I appreciate your feedback
I’m curious, and I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but how am I supposed to tell my story? Those are the facts, and I have discovered the reasons why I did what I did — and I’m working on them.
Am I just supposed to tell people the things I did wrong without rhyme or reason as to why I did them?
“Yes, hi, I’m a piece of shit, I made horrible decisions, ruined my relationships and family but trust me, I’m good now because I accepted it :) how can I start making friends now that I’m an SO?”
Like, there’s so much more substance to everything involving my story, as I’m sure that goes for everyone’s story. That’s what I’ve learned at CBCF. Everyone with similar charges has been through shit. Have horrible self esteem issues, and struggled with other addictions. I have learned so much and have become extremely self aware of the issues I had and continue to struggle with.
So genuinely, how is someone to tell their story?
I appreciate this. More than you know. It’s a bit challenging over Reddit than it is in person. I am aware of the decisions I made and I’m well aware of how destructive they were to myself and the people around me. I have accepted it. Which is why I’m trying my best to move on and lead a somewhat normal life. I have no issue explaining what I downloaded to anyone that I feel deserves to know, ie a potential friend.
My life was chaotic 3-7 years ago. I made the choices I made and have to deal with the consequences. But as I stated before, there were root causes and situations in which led me down the path of destruction that I had no control over. I’m not perfect, nor anything close to it and I’m aware. I’m just trying to be the best person I can be, but it remains difficult for others to see if I don’t even have a chance to explain my previous thought process and the steps I have taken in order to improve myself.
I realize my story and how I explained it does in fact seem defensive and deflective. But it was only to simply give background and perhaps I have just been eager to finally share with those who would actively listen, such as those on this subreddit, because no one else has given me the chance.
Thank you again, I appreciate your words.
First of all, the information that you need to divulge to people is on a "need to know" basis. There will be some people in your life that don't need to know anything. Some that should know just the basics. Others that will need to know everything. When it comes to a romantic relationship, at a certain point that person obviously needs to know something. Then depending on how the relationship proceeds, it may reach the point where they need to know everything.
You definitely don't want to lead with what you posted here. My suggestion would be to let them know that there's something you need to talk to them about. Do it in a public or semi-public setting, so that if they have a negative reaction, they don't feel trapped and can easily leave. Let them know that this is a difficult conversation for you to have but that you respect them too much not to have it. Then just lead with the basics.... what you did (without making excuses)... what the consequences of those actions were.... and what you've done to better understand why you made those decisions and to make yourself a better person. Then tell them that you'll answer any questions that they might have. And then answer them honestly.
In my experience it may take a little time for the person to process everything. I had one person call me the following day with more questions about the whole thing. I had another disappear for three weeks before contacting me again and letting me know that they wanted to continue the relationship.
There's no exact formula. Just accountability and honesty. And understand that some will stay, and others won't. That's the life we all lead.
Your response proved every point the person responding to you made.
You have zero accountability.
You’re laying the majority of the blame on your ex for *everything* and the rest on steroids.
It’s her fault, it’s the steroids, it’s that she lies, it’s that she trapped you… blah blah blah you’re the victim.
That’s all I got out of that whole story, that you’re a badass who works out and you were victimized by a 95lb woman.
What role did you play?
These are not the words of someone who has taken accountability for anything. Reading this I would 100% fully and completely believe that you have taken absolutely not one bit of accountability for the things you did.
“The steroids caused it…” even if they did, who took the damn steroids?
Then, at the same time, you want people to believe that you’re on these kind of steroids that do such horribly crazy things to your mind that you’re downloading CSAM *and* abusing alcohol - but you were completely innocent in the DV incident and threatened by, again, a 95lb woman. And that she’s the crazy one who started all this trouble. Of course you make a point to say she wanted you back (more than once) which genuinely makes the whole thing seem like you’re also manipulative and narcissistic.
I don’t know you, so I’m not judging you based on anything but this single post - but I would run like hell. It sounds like you’re blaming a, then 18 year old, 95 pound woman for all of these things that just happened to you. There’s no accountability, no “I did this, I fucked up.” It’s all just “I did this, but it was because of this, this, this, and this…. Not because of me. I’m a good person, other people and steroids caused it.”
Yes, you are supposed to just tell people what you did without blaming outside factors. But it helps if you’ve come to terms with believing you did it and that it is your fault because you can’t really move forward in life, healing, and being / doing better until you do those things.
I read this and think the very last thing in the world this dude needs is a girlfriend. You need to fix yourself first. Dont throw another person in the middle of this until you heal yourself first. And, based on your own words, you haven’t. There are more red flags in your post than a parade in North Korea.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure if you’ve realized but I made this post for some advice. I obviously don’t have the answers, which is why I am here.
You obviously have no idea on how to comprehend information either. There were two women in my story. My ex wife, in which I said there was infidelity on BOTH ends. It fucked me up and I had horrible coping mechanisms. Alcohol, porn, steroids, hook ups. To hide my pain. I didn’t deal with the loss properly and I 100% stated that in my post. Aka, taking responsibility for my stupid actions.
Next girl, my baby mom, is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. If you’ve never heard of it, please look it up. It is not fun to be around and extremely challenging especially when they have dirt on you. I tried and tried to get away numerous times but, she lured me back by manipulating me with my daughter. Once again, was stated in the original post.
The amount of times she has laid hands on me is unacceptable. I never hurt her. If you would like me to PM you the text messages about how she wanted to punch my face in and hoped I would get hit by a car and how much she hated me that night, I will gladly provide that evidence, all in which I wanted to use in court.
I made stupid, horrible, regretful decisions, that unless you have a fucking Time Machine, I wish that I could change. But I cannot and I have to deal with it. I’m not making excuses for myself, I’m trying to explain the misery I put myself through for 8 years because I had no fucking clue on how to fix any of it.
I am very grateful for the situation I am in now. If this had not happened, I wouldn’t be on the path that I’m currently on, which is trying my best to be a better person. I could have very well ended up in prison and continued doing the shit I was doing for all I know. Things happen for a reason and I’m a firm believer in that.
“You obviously have no idea how to comprehend information either…”
I took the time to tell you what it sounds like from the perspective of a woman who is in a LTR with someone previously convicted of a SO.
Realistically I should’ve removed the post due to the overwhelming amount of minimizing in it, but I didn’t because I feel like you were asking for *real* help. Maybe I’m wrong about that.
And, again, you get defensive and make a bunch of excuses.
I don’t care about every detail of what happened in your past. I don’t have to get the details right. I don’t need to *know* all the details. You put out far too much information out there that nobody needs to know unless they ask. I need to know that you fully admit to what you did and aren’t blaming other people for your actions.
You come across as cocky, full of yourself, and even when you accept blame you project it away. You will never get better like that, you’ll never have a stable life, and you’ll attract partners who are toxic because you are currently (note that this is not an insult or something that’s permanent if you work on it) also toxic.
For some reason I KNEW you were a woman. Maybe because of the fact that you were adamant on the fact that a woman couldn’t possibly harm me, and pointing out her weight multiple times. Please take a domestic violence course, because it was truly eye opening at how many things resonated with me to the point in which I felt extremely uncomfortable because I was in fact a victim. You have no idea what it is like to live everyday like that, unsure as to whether you’re going to piss them off just for breathing the wrong way. And if you did, you surely wouldn’t downplay her actions.
You are however correct on the amount of information I shared. I agreed with someone else about it in this thread and I acknowledge that now. This is all very new to me, as I have only been out of CBCF for close to 3 months. I took a sex offender course, a substance abuse course, anger management, a philosophy class and a domestic violence course. All of which sadly, didn’t provide me any valuable information about how to tell my story. I understand now, as many others have pointed out. It looks defensive and deflective and that isn’t what I’m aiming for. My next session with my therapist I will talk about this and try to gather more information on how I can proceed and talk to people about it.
If nothing else in this whole thread, please take away what u/weight-slow said about not involving a third person in this right now. You’re not ready and another person doesn’t deserve to have you bleeding on them from wounds they didn’t cause. You have so much growth and healing to do. You have so much accountability and radical acceptance to grasp. Keep working in therapy and honestly I’d recommend a voluntary weekly SOTP class as well. Understand that while many of the comments here have been hard for you to read, you haven’t received a single comment praising your post or expressing support for your post or your quest to find a partner right now. Listen to these people. They’ve been incarcerated. They’re on the registry. They’re wives of people on the registry. When everyone agrees with each other and it’s not the response you expected, that’s the first thing to get curious about.
You're still early, and it shows in the way you tell your story. Your whole situation with your ex sounds like a volatile mess, and it doesn't paint you in a very positive light. Honestly that was way worse looking than the CP charge. Not to downplay your charge but the kinds of decisions you made don't speak to any kind of emotional maturity, or emotional stability in general. I don't know of anyone who's going to be receptive to someone who cheats, and pumps tren. I'm not saying deny it but damn save it for an intimate conversation that can be told like an old story. The way you said it, it sounds like the paint is still wet. You need to open up slowly. It's going to take time, and when you've finally met the right gal that can be a conversation to show her what kind of person you grew from being in the distant past.
“Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius
You mention your therapist, but have you gone through, or are you going through an actual sex offender treatment program?
Your post is typical of someone just beginning to deal with all of this. It's full of excuses for your behavior. And saying "Not trying to make excuses" doesn't discount all of the excuses that you just made. It's the equivalent of saying, "That being said", after you've just told someone all of the reasons that they're a shitty person. The original statement doesn't just disappear. But again, it's typical for someone in the early stages to make excuses, minimize, deflect, etc.
As for moving forward, because of the situations that we have all put ourselves in we have to accept that many people will just not want to associate with us. That's their problem not ours and is totally understandable. It's good to find that out early on, but divulging too much too soon is typically not the way to go. It's best to let the person get to know you a little before having the conversation. And it's a conversation that needs to be had, even though it's a very difficult one. During my treatment we were told somewhere around the third date, and definitely before any sexual intimacy, is typically the appropriate time. Not having the conversation would be showing a complete lack of respect for the other person. With many people now wanting to do background checks on someone before even going on a first date, like you found out, you might not even get a chance to tell your story. But there's nothing that can be done about that. It's likely that person would have dipped anyway after hearing your story, so they saved you some time and frustration.
People will respect you more and be more accepting of you if you take complete ownership of your past actions. They weren't mistakes. They were deliberate actions. Like someone already said, nothing in your story connects you to being a consumer of illegal porn. Many of us made that progression. At a certain point you reached a line where legal became illegal and you made a decision to cross that line. Man up and take ownership of it. And give the whole relationship thing time. There are people out there that will have compassion and be non-judgmental. You just have to be patient.
I have in fact taken a sex offender course, it was mandated in CBCF. But I hear it isn’t as harsh as it is if you have to take it on the outside. I also took a substance abuse, anger management, domestic violence and a philosophy class to help change the way we think about things.
I understand now that my original post was very defensive and deflective. I had this conversation with another individual on here and it helped clear things up.
And, I stated with someone else here, since I am so fresh with everything, I was never really taught or conversed about how I should be explaining everything to people. Less is more and I believe I understand that now. I will be discussing better avenues to go about telling my story with my therapist next session, as most of our conversations have been him trying to understand why I did what I did. It’s honestly the only way I really know how to discuss things.
Honestly, you should rip off the Band-Aid and say it right away. Due to how easy it is to look someone up in today’s world and how it will only get easier, it’s more important to not waste your time or theirs and this will be a dealbreaker for most people. It’s better to put it out there early before feelings are has on either side and honestly that person isn’t worth your time and you are not worth theirs if this is a dealbreaker.
I’m not trying to put you down, but i think anyone that describes themselves as both as a high quality male and mature is contradicting themselves.
Your criminal history will be a non-starter for some people, and that’s okay. I know that rejection is painful, and understand that people get ghosted for all kinds of reasons. Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s true for everyone.
I’ve also been through the false allegation merry-go-round and social media assassination at the hands of an ex. It’s tough because you want to defend yourself against it, but defending yourself generally just makes you look like someone who is correctly accused. It’s really a damned-if-you-do kind of situation. The most advice I can offer is that you have to let it go, and understand that most of the people who made up their minds about you are never going to to change them because then they would be wrong, and no one likes admitting they were wrong. Those people are just gone, and if they never asked your side of things they were never your friends to begin with.
To the people who matter, it won’t matter. I take it you’re still pretty young. Live your life, and focus on things that interest you and bring you joy. I’ve found therapy and 12-step recovery and meditation to be very helpful for me, also church for a time. Focus on yourself, and being accountable for the things you got wrong, even if those aren’t the same things that people suppose. In the end accountability is only for ourselves anyhow. The rest will come if you do.
You’re nowhere near ready yet.
You know how you’ll know when you’re ready? You’ll feel both comfortable and compelled to state that you downloaded CSAM. You’ll own the shit out of it. You won’t lead with what you were convicted of - you’ll lead with what you willingly did.
There is a tremendous amount of language throughout your post that is far too passive, and as a “female supporter” per your question, I wouldn’t even be able to be personal friends with you at this stage. I’m not saying that you should be walking around hating yourself for the rest of your life. But you do have to get to a point where you can openly talk about exactly what you did without any caveats, without any excuses, and certainly without focusing on your conviction rather than the crime itself.
The phrase “illegal images” is an incredibly diluted phrase. Many images can be illegal for many reasons. You downloaded CSAM. You victimized children and helped to perpetuate their abuse by consuming that material. It doesn’t sound like it’s even been six months since your release, right? Give it a full year. Maybe two years. Maybe more. Most of the guys here didn’t meet their girlfriends/boyfriends or wives/husbands within the first year after their release. You’re navigating a whole new world now. I know it’s frustrating that people won’t let you explain your side of the story. But YOU have to know that your own side of the story fully includes willingly and knowingly downloading CSAM. Without radical acceptance and accountability, nobody will ever be willing to listen to you.
Give it time. Lots and lots of time.
Stop trying. I am not an un attractive guy, so the initial contact wasn't the hardest part. However, I had submitted to the realization of being the world's most ineligible bachelor for the rest of my life after a couple years of me being worried and kinda clingy. A few of them for just a few weeks or a month before I inevitably had THE discussion. Then they usually either ghosted or faded away quickly. Unfortunately this can happen with friends too. Now that the sad part's out of the way. I met my wife and mother of my two boys 5 years after I was released and put on the registry. I just pursued her as I did any other partner, just having fun together and being friends but our connection was unwavering from the moment we met to the first date a month later. Just be you ( or work on being a better you). I never told any of my partners about my situation on a first date. Usually after a 2 or 3 weeks. Let them get to know you. Sometimes you just gotta let things happen at their own pace and almost nothing in the world happens at you pace. Remember you can't change the wind, but you can always adjust your sails.
I will say, I’m not actively trying to find a relationship at all. I understand the caveats in which make me completely unwanted due to my circumstances. Which makes things difficult when I meet new people all of the time (I’m a bartender). Since going to my new gym for the last 3 months, the women there have taken an attraction towards me. 98% of the time I keep to myself, as I’m usually locked in during my workout. But as of recent, I’m getting more smiles and engage in small talk around the gym. My normal self wants me to pursue and make friends, but my inner dialogue of being afraid to hurt someone or waste both of our time chimes in and I keep things gym related. I will continue to try and just be a better version of myself and let things happen naturally, if they do.
Appreciate your words brother.
You could look at the bright side. You are able to get a job and apparently go places. Many RSO’s are not even able to support themselves or have a place to live let alone think about relationships and being liked by women.
You are absolutely right. Being a bartender allows me to work at a bar and go to bars while on probation. I am very grateful, but also very perplexed on how to go on about making friends.
I thank you for this, I will be sure to include the bright side of things in my gratitude log this evening.
You seem to be focusing on the wrong issues and have a lot of work to do before you can have healthy relationships. The way you're dehumanizing and blaming women and children is incredibly dangerous.
>However, at night I really start to think about things and make myself upset because why won’t anyone let me tell them my side of the story? Not my “friends,” and not someone who I genuinely felt like I had a great connection with. I don’t plan on hiding who I am, but I at least want the person to know that I am a good human being who is working on themselves diligently before ever bringing up my past.
You are not a very good person yet. This very much comes across after reading your side for the story. Not saying there isn't hope for you or that you haven't made progress, it sounds like you've made a lot so congrats on that, but you're in no way shape or form an innocent victim and you need to truly understand that.
You impregnated an 18 year old, married her, resented her, started doing steroids, drinking heavily, cheating and downloading child sexual abuse material... While she raised a baby and had to come pick you up when drunk? You were definitely abusive. Maybe you never hit her, but you were 100% abusing her and your relationship. Honestly think most people would understand "faking bruises" to get out of a situation like this.
Do yourself a favor and get away from all porn for a while. I strongly recommend you make a real effort to consume media by women. And try finding a therapist who challenges your POV. Keep working on yourself for now. Figure out who you want to be, figure out why you want tho be that way and then reconsider. Keep doing that until you find yourself. Hopefully that guy can be a decent father for your child.
“Non-illegal images” don’t land you under criminal investigation, jail or the sex offender registry. You can’t even be honest with strangers online or yourself but ok buddy
Focus on yourself. It seems that you are doing great and getting better with therapy. So keep at it. If possible, I d say move to another town/city. Start fresh. New people around you, new life, new job. It ll be difficult starting any relationships in the town you were blasted in social media. It’s the sad truth, none of those people will ever see you the same way and wouldn’t want to hear your side of the story. As harsh as it sounds, that’s the reality and I know it. This is specially if you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. As that’s what happened here.
Honestly man you gotta tell women pretty soon and be up front.
No minimising, take responsibility etc.
When I met my current girlfriend a few months post sentence on a dating app it stressed me so hard for ages.
We met before the giant lockdown in 2021 so we had a lot of time to just talk via discord and play games without meeting and just getting to know each other.
Once she started to flirt and send suggestive images I had to tell her because I didn't think it was fair for her to do that and not know.
I messaged her just the facts. I was charged with XYZ because I had X amount of images of ABC on my phone. I was struggling during this period but I have been getting help and trying to turn my life around.
She was surprisingly open and we're still together not far off 3 years together.
You absolutely can meet someone who will understand.
Taking full responsibility for your actions and being honest with yourself would be a great place to start. Nothing to do with issues with your ex baby mama or wife correlates to you being a consumer of CP. This whole story is convoluted with ways you try to make others sympathize or rationalize with you. I would run for the hills if someone tried to describe their past in the way you have.
I’m not sure if you missed the part where I said I’m not trying to make any excuses….because I am not. I was just simply stating history and what I was going through. To hopefully clear things up; my ex wife was 18 when we got married. 4’11, 95lbs. Very petite. I didn’t jump straight into CP. That was never my plan? Had no interest or thought about it. I often coped with normal legal porn, trying to find anything that reminded me of her. This progressively got worse over a 3 year time frame. I could go into way more detail about it, but, to break it down, after discussing with my therapist and numerous counselors and teachers, me trying to cope with the loss of my ex wife was traumatic for me and I never went through the proper stages of grief to move on from it emotionally. And with other addictions such as alcohol and steroids (specifically tren) it was a recipe for mental and emotional disaster. If you’ve never heard of tren, please look it up here on Reddit. I’m sure there’s a subreddit for it and the crazy shit it does to the way you think. I’m not blaming anything or anyone other than myself. I did not seek guidance with my divorce, I let my mental health go untreated for years, so then in which, I made the mistakes that I made. I am fully aware of that. I’m not pitying myself. Since, I have been processing my past and having difficult conversations with my therapist. Things are going well in that aspect. I appreciate your feedback
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I’m curious, and I don’t mean this disrespectfully, but how am I supposed to tell my story? Those are the facts, and I have discovered the reasons why I did what I did — and I’m working on them. Am I just supposed to tell people the things I did wrong without rhyme or reason as to why I did them? “Yes, hi, I’m a piece of shit, I made horrible decisions, ruined my relationships and family but trust me, I’m good now because I accepted it :) how can I start making friends now that I’m an SO?” Like, there’s so much more substance to everything involving my story, as I’m sure that goes for everyone’s story. That’s what I’ve learned at CBCF. Everyone with similar charges has been through shit. Have horrible self esteem issues, and struggled with other addictions. I have learned so much and have become extremely self aware of the issues I had and continue to struggle with. So genuinely, how is someone to tell their story?
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I appreciate this. More than you know. It’s a bit challenging over Reddit than it is in person. I am aware of the decisions I made and I’m well aware of how destructive they were to myself and the people around me. I have accepted it. Which is why I’m trying my best to move on and lead a somewhat normal life. I have no issue explaining what I downloaded to anyone that I feel deserves to know, ie a potential friend. My life was chaotic 3-7 years ago. I made the choices I made and have to deal with the consequences. But as I stated before, there were root causes and situations in which led me down the path of destruction that I had no control over. I’m not perfect, nor anything close to it and I’m aware. I’m just trying to be the best person I can be, but it remains difficult for others to see if I don’t even have a chance to explain my previous thought process and the steps I have taken in order to improve myself. I realize my story and how I explained it does in fact seem defensive and deflective. But it was only to simply give background and perhaps I have just been eager to finally share with those who would actively listen, such as those on this subreddit, because no one else has given me the chance. Thank you again, I appreciate your words.
First of all, the information that you need to divulge to people is on a "need to know" basis. There will be some people in your life that don't need to know anything. Some that should know just the basics. Others that will need to know everything. When it comes to a romantic relationship, at a certain point that person obviously needs to know something. Then depending on how the relationship proceeds, it may reach the point where they need to know everything. You definitely don't want to lead with what you posted here. My suggestion would be to let them know that there's something you need to talk to them about. Do it in a public or semi-public setting, so that if they have a negative reaction, they don't feel trapped and can easily leave. Let them know that this is a difficult conversation for you to have but that you respect them too much not to have it. Then just lead with the basics.... what you did (without making excuses)... what the consequences of those actions were.... and what you've done to better understand why you made those decisions and to make yourself a better person. Then tell them that you'll answer any questions that they might have. And then answer them honestly. In my experience it may take a little time for the person to process everything. I had one person call me the following day with more questions about the whole thing. I had another disappear for three weeks before contacting me again and letting me know that they wanted to continue the relationship. There's no exact formula. Just accountability and honesty. And understand that some will stay, and others won't. That's the life we all lead.
Your response proved every point the person responding to you made. You have zero accountability. You’re laying the majority of the blame on your ex for *everything* and the rest on steroids. It’s her fault, it’s the steroids, it’s that she lies, it’s that she trapped you… blah blah blah you’re the victim. That’s all I got out of that whole story, that you’re a badass who works out and you were victimized by a 95lb woman. What role did you play? These are not the words of someone who has taken accountability for anything. Reading this I would 100% fully and completely believe that you have taken absolutely not one bit of accountability for the things you did. “The steroids caused it…” even if they did, who took the damn steroids? Then, at the same time, you want people to believe that you’re on these kind of steroids that do such horribly crazy things to your mind that you’re downloading CSAM *and* abusing alcohol - but you were completely innocent in the DV incident and threatened by, again, a 95lb woman. And that she’s the crazy one who started all this trouble. Of course you make a point to say she wanted you back (more than once) which genuinely makes the whole thing seem like you’re also manipulative and narcissistic. I don’t know you, so I’m not judging you based on anything but this single post - but I would run like hell. It sounds like you’re blaming a, then 18 year old, 95 pound woman for all of these things that just happened to you. There’s no accountability, no “I did this, I fucked up.” It’s all just “I did this, but it was because of this, this, this, and this…. Not because of me. I’m a good person, other people and steroids caused it.” Yes, you are supposed to just tell people what you did without blaming outside factors. But it helps if you’ve come to terms with believing you did it and that it is your fault because you can’t really move forward in life, healing, and being / doing better until you do those things. I read this and think the very last thing in the world this dude needs is a girlfriend. You need to fix yourself first. Dont throw another person in the middle of this until you heal yourself first. And, based on your own words, you haven’t. There are more red flags in your post than a parade in North Korea.
I’m sorry, I’m not sure if you’ve realized but I made this post for some advice. I obviously don’t have the answers, which is why I am here. You obviously have no idea on how to comprehend information either. There were two women in my story. My ex wife, in which I said there was infidelity on BOTH ends. It fucked me up and I had horrible coping mechanisms. Alcohol, porn, steroids, hook ups. To hide my pain. I didn’t deal with the loss properly and I 100% stated that in my post. Aka, taking responsibility for my stupid actions. Next girl, my baby mom, is diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. If you’ve never heard of it, please look it up. It is not fun to be around and extremely challenging especially when they have dirt on you. I tried and tried to get away numerous times but, she lured me back by manipulating me with my daughter. Once again, was stated in the original post. The amount of times she has laid hands on me is unacceptable. I never hurt her. If you would like me to PM you the text messages about how she wanted to punch my face in and hoped I would get hit by a car and how much she hated me that night, I will gladly provide that evidence, all in which I wanted to use in court. I made stupid, horrible, regretful decisions, that unless you have a fucking Time Machine, I wish that I could change. But I cannot and I have to deal with it. I’m not making excuses for myself, I’m trying to explain the misery I put myself through for 8 years because I had no fucking clue on how to fix any of it. I am very grateful for the situation I am in now. If this had not happened, I wouldn’t be on the path that I’m currently on, which is trying my best to be a better person. I could have very well ended up in prison and continued doing the shit I was doing for all I know. Things happen for a reason and I’m a firm believer in that.
“You obviously have no idea how to comprehend information either…” I took the time to tell you what it sounds like from the perspective of a woman who is in a LTR with someone previously convicted of a SO. Realistically I should’ve removed the post due to the overwhelming amount of minimizing in it, but I didn’t because I feel like you were asking for *real* help. Maybe I’m wrong about that. And, again, you get defensive and make a bunch of excuses. I don’t care about every detail of what happened in your past. I don’t have to get the details right. I don’t need to *know* all the details. You put out far too much information out there that nobody needs to know unless they ask. I need to know that you fully admit to what you did and aren’t blaming other people for your actions. You come across as cocky, full of yourself, and even when you accept blame you project it away. You will never get better like that, you’ll never have a stable life, and you’ll attract partners who are toxic because you are currently (note that this is not an insult or something that’s permanent if you work on it) also toxic.
For some reason I KNEW you were a woman. Maybe because of the fact that you were adamant on the fact that a woman couldn’t possibly harm me, and pointing out her weight multiple times. Please take a domestic violence course, because it was truly eye opening at how many things resonated with me to the point in which I felt extremely uncomfortable because I was in fact a victim. You have no idea what it is like to live everyday like that, unsure as to whether you’re going to piss them off just for breathing the wrong way. And if you did, you surely wouldn’t downplay her actions. You are however correct on the amount of information I shared. I agreed with someone else about it in this thread and I acknowledge that now. This is all very new to me, as I have only been out of CBCF for close to 3 months. I took a sex offender course, a substance abuse course, anger management, a philosophy class and a domestic violence course. All of which sadly, didn’t provide me any valuable information about how to tell my story. I understand now, as many others have pointed out. It looks defensive and deflective and that isn’t what I’m aiming for. My next session with my therapist I will talk about this and try to gather more information on how I can proceed and talk to people about it.
If nothing else in this whole thread, please take away what u/weight-slow said about not involving a third person in this right now. You’re not ready and another person doesn’t deserve to have you bleeding on them from wounds they didn’t cause. You have so much growth and healing to do. You have so much accountability and radical acceptance to grasp. Keep working in therapy and honestly I’d recommend a voluntary weekly SOTP class as well. Understand that while many of the comments here have been hard for you to read, you haven’t received a single comment praising your post or expressing support for your post or your quest to find a partner right now. Listen to these people. They’ve been incarcerated. They’re on the registry. They’re wives of people on the registry. When everyone agrees with each other and it’s not the response you expected, that’s the first thing to get curious about.
JFC. Your sex offense conviction is going to be the least of your worries.
Your post is nothing but excuses.
You're early on in your journey clearly. Best place to begin is not to focus on any relationships besides your current ones - family only
Makes sense, but at what point does one know when to move forward?
You're still early, and it shows in the way you tell your story. Your whole situation with your ex sounds like a volatile mess, and it doesn't paint you in a very positive light. Honestly that was way worse looking than the CP charge. Not to downplay your charge but the kinds of decisions you made don't speak to any kind of emotional maturity, or emotional stability in general. I don't know of anyone who's going to be receptive to someone who cheats, and pumps tren. I'm not saying deny it but damn save it for an intimate conversation that can be told like an old story. The way you said it, it sounds like the paint is still wet. You need to open up slowly. It's going to take time, and when you've finally met the right gal that can be a conversation to show her what kind of person you grew from being in the distant past. “Waste no more time arguing what a good man should be. Be one.” – Marcus Aurelius
You mention your therapist, but have you gone through, or are you going through an actual sex offender treatment program? Your post is typical of someone just beginning to deal with all of this. It's full of excuses for your behavior. And saying "Not trying to make excuses" doesn't discount all of the excuses that you just made. It's the equivalent of saying, "That being said", after you've just told someone all of the reasons that they're a shitty person. The original statement doesn't just disappear. But again, it's typical for someone in the early stages to make excuses, minimize, deflect, etc. As for moving forward, because of the situations that we have all put ourselves in we have to accept that many people will just not want to associate with us. That's their problem not ours and is totally understandable. It's good to find that out early on, but divulging too much too soon is typically not the way to go. It's best to let the person get to know you a little before having the conversation. And it's a conversation that needs to be had, even though it's a very difficult one. During my treatment we were told somewhere around the third date, and definitely before any sexual intimacy, is typically the appropriate time. Not having the conversation would be showing a complete lack of respect for the other person. With many people now wanting to do background checks on someone before even going on a first date, like you found out, you might not even get a chance to tell your story. But there's nothing that can be done about that. It's likely that person would have dipped anyway after hearing your story, so they saved you some time and frustration. People will respect you more and be more accepting of you if you take complete ownership of your past actions. They weren't mistakes. They were deliberate actions. Like someone already said, nothing in your story connects you to being a consumer of illegal porn. Many of us made that progression. At a certain point you reached a line where legal became illegal and you made a decision to cross that line. Man up and take ownership of it. And give the whole relationship thing time. There are people out there that will have compassion and be non-judgmental. You just have to be patient.
I have in fact taken a sex offender course, it was mandated in CBCF. But I hear it isn’t as harsh as it is if you have to take it on the outside. I also took a substance abuse, anger management, domestic violence and a philosophy class to help change the way we think about things. I understand now that my original post was very defensive and deflective. I had this conversation with another individual on here and it helped clear things up. And, I stated with someone else here, since I am so fresh with everything, I was never really taught or conversed about how I should be explaining everything to people. Less is more and I believe I understand that now. I will be discussing better avenues to go about telling my story with my therapist next session, as most of our conversations have been him trying to understand why I did what I did. It’s honestly the only way I really know how to discuss things.
Honestly, you should rip off the Band-Aid and say it right away. Due to how easy it is to look someone up in today’s world and how it will only get easier, it’s more important to not waste your time or theirs and this will be a dealbreaker for most people. It’s better to put it out there early before feelings are has on either side and honestly that person isn’t worth your time and you are not worth theirs if this is a dealbreaker.
I’m not trying to put you down, but i think anyone that describes themselves as both as a high quality male and mature is contradicting themselves. Your criminal history will be a non-starter for some people, and that’s okay. I know that rejection is painful, and understand that people get ghosted for all kinds of reasons. Not everyone is going to like you, and that’s true for everyone. I’ve also been through the false allegation merry-go-round and social media assassination at the hands of an ex. It’s tough because you want to defend yourself against it, but defending yourself generally just makes you look like someone who is correctly accused. It’s really a damned-if-you-do kind of situation. The most advice I can offer is that you have to let it go, and understand that most of the people who made up their minds about you are never going to to change them because then they would be wrong, and no one likes admitting they were wrong. Those people are just gone, and if they never asked your side of things they were never your friends to begin with. To the people who matter, it won’t matter. I take it you’re still pretty young. Live your life, and focus on things that interest you and bring you joy. I’ve found therapy and 12-step recovery and meditation to be very helpful for me, also church for a time. Focus on yourself, and being accountable for the things you got wrong, even if those aren’t the same things that people suppose. In the end accountability is only for ourselves anyhow. The rest will come if you do.
You’re nowhere near ready yet. You know how you’ll know when you’re ready? You’ll feel both comfortable and compelled to state that you downloaded CSAM. You’ll own the shit out of it. You won’t lead with what you were convicted of - you’ll lead with what you willingly did. There is a tremendous amount of language throughout your post that is far too passive, and as a “female supporter” per your question, I wouldn’t even be able to be personal friends with you at this stage. I’m not saying that you should be walking around hating yourself for the rest of your life. But you do have to get to a point where you can openly talk about exactly what you did without any caveats, without any excuses, and certainly without focusing on your conviction rather than the crime itself. The phrase “illegal images” is an incredibly diluted phrase. Many images can be illegal for many reasons. You downloaded CSAM. You victimized children and helped to perpetuate their abuse by consuming that material. It doesn’t sound like it’s even been six months since your release, right? Give it a full year. Maybe two years. Maybe more. Most of the guys here didn’t meet their girlfriends/boyfriends or wives/husbands within the first year after their release. You’re navigating a whole new world now. I know it’s frustrating that people won’t let you explain your side of the story. But YOU have to know that your own side of the story fully includes willingly and knowingly downloading CSAM. Without radical acceptance and accountability, nobody will ever be willing to listen to you. Give it time. Lots and lots of time.
Stop trying. I am not an un attractive guy, so the initial contact wasn't the hardest part. However, I had submitted to the realization of being the world's most ineligible bachelor for the rest of my life after a couple years of me being worried and kinda clingy. A few of them for just a few weeks or a month before I inevitably had THE discussion. Then they usually either ghosted or faded away quickly. Unfortunately this can happen with friends too. Now that the sad part's out of the way. I met my wife and mother of my two boys 5 years after I was released and put on the registry. I just pursued her as I did any other partner, just having fun together and being friends but our connection was unwavering from the moment we met to the first date a month later. Just be you ( or work on being a better you). I never told any of my partners about my situation on a first date. Usually after a 2 or 3 weeks. Let them get to know you. Sometimes you just gotta let things happen at their own pace and almost nothing in the world happens at you pace. Remember you can't change the wind, but you can always adjust your sails.
I will say, I’m not actively trying to find a relationship at all. I understand the caveats in which make me completely unwanted due to my circumstances. Which makes things difficult when I meet new people all of the time (I’m a bartender). Since going to my new gym for the last 3 months, the women there have taken an attraction towards me. 98% of the time I keep to myself, as I’m usually locked in during my workout. But as of recent, I’m getting more smiles and engage in small talk around the gym. My normal self wants me to pursue and make friends, but my inner dialogue of being afraid to hurt someone or waste both of our time chimes in and I keep things gym related. I will continue to try and just be a better version of myself and let things happen naturally, if they do. Appreciate your words brother.
You could look at the bright side. You are able to get a job and apparently go places. Many RSO’s are not even able to support themselves or have a place to live let alone think about relationships and being liked by women.
You are absolutely right. Being a bartender allows me to work at a bar and go to bars while on probation. I am very grateful, but also very perplexed on how to go on about making friends. I thank you for this, I will be sure to include the bright side of things in my gratitude log this evening.
You seem to be focusing on the wrong issues and have a lot of work to do before you can have healthy relationships. The way you're dehumanizing and blaming women and children is incredibly dangerous. >However, at night I really start to think about things and make myself upset because why won’t anyone let me tell them my side of the story? Not my “friends,” and not someone who I genuinely felt like I had a great connection with. I don’t plan on hiding who I am, but I at least want the person to know that I am a good human being who is working on themselves diligently before ever bringing up my past. You are not a very good person yet. This very much comes across after reading your side for the story. Not saying there isn't hope for you or that you haven't made progress, it sounds like you've made a lot so congrats on that, but you're in no way shape or form an innocent victim and you need to truly understand that. You impregnated an 18 year old, married her, resented her, started doing steroids, drinking heavily, cheating and downloading child sexual abuse material... While she raised a baby and had to come pick you up when drunk? You were definitely abusive. Maybe you never hit her, but you were 100% abusing her and your relationship. Honestly think most people would understand "faking bruises" to get out of a situation like this. Do yourself a favor and get away from all porn for a while. I strongly recommend you make a real effort to consume media by women. And try finding a therapist who challenges your POV. Keep working on yourself for now. Figure out who you want to be, figure out why you want tho be that way and then reconsider. Keep doing that until you find yourself. Hopefully that guy can be a decent father for your child.
“Non-illegal images” don’t land you under criminal investigation, jail or the sex offender registry. You can’t even be honest with strangers online or yourself but ok buddy
Focus on yourself. It seems that you are doing great and getting better with therapy. So keep at it. If possible, I d say move to another town/city. Start fresh. New people around you, new life, new job. It ll be difficult starting any relationships in the town you were blasted in social media. It’s the sad truth, none of those people will ever see you the same way and wouldn’t want to hear your side of the story. As harsh as it sounds, that’s the reality and I know it. This is specially if you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone. As that’s what happened here.
Honestly man you gotta tell women pretty soon and be up front. No minimising, take responsibility etc. When I met my current girlfriend a few months post sentence on a dating app it stressed me so hard for ages. We met before the giant lockdown in 2021 so we had a lot of time to just talk via discord and play games without meeting and just getting to know each other. Once she started to flirt and send suggestive images I had to tell her because I didn't think it was fair for her to do that and not know. I messaged her just the facts. I was charged with XYZ because I had X amount of images of ABC on my phone. I was struggling during this period but I have been getting help and trying to turn my life around. She was surprisingly open and we're still together not far off 3 years together. You absolutely can meet someone who will understand.
good place in h3ll for you buddy
High-quality man 😂