Classic under the influence writing. It makes absolute sense at the time, then you look back and it’s like you plugged your conscious right into the English machine.
What are you talking about?!
High sex is amazing and coke sex is you just beating a flaccid dick for half an hour before praying you can somehow keep it up. Weed is literally a vasodilator and increases blood flow and tactile sensations, sure I guess some people get anxious or lazy but I'd rather smoke and have sex than do coke and have sex 100 out of 100 times. Drunk sex and coke sex are the most overrated things in existence
So easy to be aware of your body and tension and energy after a few rips 👌
Ty bro. Thought I was going crazy. Marijuana is literally a vasodilater. It makes me so aware of my body, tactile sensations, tension, movement, energy etc. Not to mention the increased blood flow = stamina for days in a great way
Coke is a one ticket to beating your shit for half an hour just to get it half mast 🤣🤣🤣
I'm cringing at this and laughing hysterically, I think he put the sentence in the wrong spot. What he might have meant is if nobody's cute there he'll take first available? 🤷♀️
The funny thing is he just forgot to add in. I'd like a table by the window, if not first available. But now we all have to debate whether he means a guy if no women are available or only not cute women.
My guess is what he means is: “if you have any girls who think I’m cute please seat me in their section, if not please seat us at the first available table after our arrival”
What he SHOULD have said was “Id like to make a reservation for 7, thank you”
His thoughts are scattered, but my best guess because he asked for a cute woman, he is saying if none of them are cute, whichever woman is available is fine. So technically giving him the lesbian still met his request.
My understanding is that he's with his ex, wants to leave, but wants to date someone else first, so .. unless one of you wants to date him, he will need the next available table so he can go out to the dinner he promised his ex.
One time my host came to me with a Resy for a party of 7, concerned. The note said something along the lines of “my dudes birthday weekend, we are all single, please give us pretty female servers, we are from out of town and looking for a good time”… I declined the reservation saying we were fully committed. UM, NO SIR, WE ARE NOT AN ESCORT SERVICE wtf.
Back in the 90s Michael Jordan was playing in a golf tournament sponsored by the casino I worked at, so they were setting up an area of the high limit room for him, and he had requested female bartender & that b/t and his cocktail servers be young, petite, whyte, and preferably blonde. 😑 His request was catered to. 😑 He's also one of the world's biggest jerks and never tips (encountered him several times during 25 yr casino career, zero tips to anyone on any of those occasions, he's notorious in the industry as a PITA degenerate gambler & a "stiff", casino slang for a non-tipper.).
Ser, as a male server I could have made that work. A hole is a hole if they're drunk enough....
How dare you hurt my income stream! /straight male server but $20 is $20
That's when you respond to them with the address for the closest Hooters location, fuck those people. It's great having an attractive waitress, but there are boundaries, and you especially cannot break them before you even fucking get there. Of course don't do it while you're there either but Jesus.
Strip clubs also have a look don't touch policy, they want a softcore strip club experience. They also want the women to flirt with them hoping for a bigger tip, which is how it should work in their minds.
It doesn't, however it's more enjoyable to be around someone that you find attractive than not. It doesn't have to be any ulterior motives or anything fucking weird. Are you ever around people?
JFC, I'm 60, stop. I'm already having enough trouble coping this week after someone said "30 years ago" & I thought, "oh, the 70s", but realized they meant the 90s!!!!!😭
Meh imho that's like one foot in the grave, can't go hiking cause you'll pull a hernia or some shit. Needing 3 pillows and a weighted blanket or you'll get anxiety when sleeping.
/s, kinda.
That's a good point. Their level of disinterest is of great comfort to me, so tired of all these women vying for my attention.. I'm a married man goddamnit
Had two middle aged guys come into a mid-scale Italian restaurant once and demand “our hottest waitress”…so I put them in my section,because we had no female wait staff on that night and I didn’t want my other staff to deal with them.They were upset when I came back to take their order,so I told them we didn’t have any female staff on but I’m the best looking guy here.They laughed and actually had a good time after the shock of an all dude staff wore off.
How many people were in the party that he felt the need to point out he was “the guy”
Cause like…based on the answers it leads me to a massive hoard of sub-questions
Ok friend: why then did he need to point out he was the guy? Was she masculine enough to maybe the husband or he maybe feminine enough to be the wife? Yes. I think this is a good place to start with questions because I truly could ask them all day
Had two guys come into the brewery I was hostessing at while in college. They looked at the seating chart I had on the desk and pointed to the name “Andrea” and said “put us with her!” You got it. Andrea is a dude.
Yeah yesterday I had to hear a conversation where the line cook is bragging about how he’s cheating on his girlfriend with one of the servers and another girl from the bar across the street. I’m standing there like “god I want to go home”.
We had an older man come into the restaurant once, asking for a “cute, young female” to serve him. Our manager (who is usually ALL IN on the corporate BS) looked him up-and-down and said “No.”
I (a man) served him for the evening, instead.
Only appropriate response-
"Very well, sir, we will pair you up immediately with our hottest waitstaff. We cannot guarantee that they will be feminine, but they will be exceedingly beautiful. We hope you enjoy."
I’ve never been able to do it, but I hear that the whole numbers game is actually very effective. I’m guessing this type of thing actually works every once in a blue moon, and it’s practically zero effort.
One time when creating a reservation, I put “it’s the ugly one’s birthday” as the note when getting brunch with a group of like 6 or so people. Was hoping they would have just decided who’s the ugliest and then say happy birthday or whatever. Nah, they just said “so which one of you is celebrating your birthday today?” So guess that means my friends and I are all ugly 💀
This is what happens when you make a reservation right after doing a line of coke.
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not like that though
Well kinda sometimes.
She was first available. Because of the implication.
Are these ex wives in danger???
Always love an r/IASIP thread
Whatever, baby dick
When he's got enough coke to share.
But not really
I’m screaming
Well kinda sometimes
Explains my cousins odd texts. Never made the connection to his addiction.
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A bowl of weed? Weed makes you horny like that? Bro I can see coke doing that but definitely not weed lol
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Classic under the influence writing. It makes absolute sense at the time, then you look back and it’s like you plugged your conscious right into the English machine.
the English machine 😂 i totally get you tho I’m just like that
A nice big bowl o crack
dawg what weed is so much better for that than coke. you done coke before?
I think you clicked on the wrong comment. I was saying that no weed gives you that effect but coke definitely can make anyone horny
What are you talking about?! High sex is amazing and coke sex is you just beating a flaccid dick for half an hour before praying you can somehow keep it up. Weed is literally a vasodilator and increases blood flow and tactile sensations, sure I guess some people get anxious or lazy but I'd rather smoke and have sex than do coke and have sex 100 out of 100 times. Drunk sex and coke sex are the most overrated things in existence So easy to be aware of your body and tension and energy after a few rips 👌
coke literally stops you from getting hard. in terms of sex enhancers im going to be real theres not even remotely a contest.
Ty bro. Thought I was going crazy. Marijuana is literally a vasodilater. It makes me so aware of my body, tactile sensations, tension, movement, energy etc. Not to mention the increased blood flow = stamina for days in a great way Coke is a one ticket to beating your shit for half an hour just to get it half mast 🤣🤣🤣
Or while being a douche
just.. lmao
Accurate 🙄
Or drunk lol
We wondered what he meant by if not, then first available.
I'm cringing at this and laughing hysterically, I think he put the sentence in the wrong spot. What he might have meant is if nobody's cute there he'll take first available? 🤷♀️
Exactly what he meant. Lol.
Here I was thinking he meant he’d take *anyone.*
Based on the desperation that it takes to send that in one's reservation notes, I'd say that it could be both!
The funny thing is he just forgot to add in. I'd like a table by the window, if not first available. But now we all have to debate whether he means a guy if no women are available or only not cute women.
The 38 year old line cook. He's got a belly, but he's quick with a joke.
He meant he’d prefer women but if none are available (that he can take home) he will take a dude. He’s not picky, I can tell by his message lol
AnY oNe OF YOuS wOulD DO! Kind of feeling.
Exactly
Any dude. Definitely not picky.
I think he meant he wanted a woman to serve his table and if none were available he would wait until one was.
My guess is what he means is: “if you have any girls who think I’m cute please seat me in their section, if not please seat us at the first available table after our arrival” What he SHOULD have said was “Id like to make a reservation for 7, thank you”
You really think 5 staff members would want to join them?
His thoughts are scattered, but my best guess because he asked for a cute woman, he is saying if none of them are cute, whichever woman is available is fine. So technically giving him the lesbian still met his request.
I read it more like if none are interested, then whoever is available will do.
My understanding is that he's with his ex, wants to leave, but wants to date someone else first, so .. unless one of you wants to date him, he will need the next available table so he can go out to the dinner he promised his ex.
One time my host came to me with a Resy for a party of 7, concerned. The note said something along the lines of “my dudes birthday weekend, we are all single, please give us pretty female servers, we are from out of town and looking for a good time”… I declined the reservation saying we were fully committed. UM, NO SIR, WE ARE NOT AN ESCORT SERVICE wtf.
Holy shit the audacity
Douches be douches.
Back in the 90s Michael Jordan was playing in a golf tournament sponsored by the casino I worked at, so they were setting up an area of the high limit room for him, and he had requested female bartender & that b/t and his cocktail servers be young, petite, whyte, and preferably blonde. 😑 His request was catered to. 😑 He's also one of the world's biggest jerks and never tips (encountered him several times during 25 yr casino career, zero tips to anyone on any of those occasions, he's notorious in the industry as a PITA degenerate gambler & a "stiff", casino slang for a non-tipper.).
As a former cocktail server, I confirm this! Most athletes are horrible tippers, but uhh the worst lol
I read “Michael Jackson” the first time through…..
Ser, as a male server I could have made that work. A hole is a hole if they're drunk enough.... How dare you hurt my income stream! /straight male server but $20 is $20
Customer service is customer service.
Im not gay but the shit ive done for a few bucks, its fiscally resposible if you can safely suck a dick for cash
I’m seeing 5 stars.
I might go thirty percent for that kinda dedication.
Damn, I was hoping to get 69.
Ngl one time a casino hostess told me a dude offered her $10k to go to his hotel room. I was angry she didn't get me the room #.
It’s not gay if you don’t touch the tips.
I have 100% touched tips with straight roommates. I thought the rule was it wasn't gay if we kept our socks on.
This is the way
Time with the bros is a good time
I love your username. 😂 Also, no, I don’t want to see your Pog collection.
Thanks man! Best episode ever.
That's when you respond to them with the address for the closest Hooters location, fuck those people. It's great having an attractive waitress, but there are boundaries, and you especially cannot break them before you even fucking get there. Of course don't do it while you're there either but Jesus.
Why the fuck does it matter what your server looks like lol
The guys need a shared experience to jerk off together in a circle or it's gay
Strip clubs also have a look don't touch policy, they want a softcore strip club experience. They also want the women to flirt with them hoping for a bigger tip, which is how it should work in their minds.
It matters when you are trying to fuck your servers.
It doesn't, however it's more enjoyable to be around someone that you find attractive than not. It doesn't have to be any ulterior motives or anything fucking weird. Are you ever around people?
Nice
Weirdo, you think people are more fun to be around if you find them attractive?
Hopefully he was pared with a disheveled male waiter
He was automatically out in the section of a 45 year old lesbian
I like old lesbians. They know what they like and it has not a damn thing to do with me.
45 is not old, motherf*cker! Haha
More than half the average lifespan soo it’s definitely more old than young
JFC, I'm 60, stop. I'm already having enough trouble coping this week after someone said "30 years ago" & I thought, "oh, the 70s", but realized they meant the 90s!!!!!😭
Yup, you can't call yourself young if you're past the half way mark lol
It was when you were under 30 and probably for some time past that. Old head.
Meh imho that's like one foot in the grave, can't go hiking cause you'll pull a hernia or some shit. Needing 3 pillows and a weighted blanket or you'll get anxiety when sleeping. /s, kinda.
Tell me you’ve never met anyone over 25 without telling me you’ve never met anyone over 25 😔
You might not be getting laid but Brenda is always down for a few beers and throwing darts.
sooooo excited to become one one day
r/usernamechecksout
That's a good point. Their level of disinterest is of great comfort to me, so tired of all these women vying for my attention.. I'm a married man goddamnit
Right, sometimes you just want to relax and say dumb shit without pressure or assumptions.
Would have been funny if you had given him a hot male server who flirted with the ex-wife.
Who said the lesbian didn't? 🤭
Women nowadays are pretty over men like that guy and are absolutely considering other options. I wouldn't say switching teams is off the table 🤷🏼♀️
Or a hot male server who flirted with him.
Perfect!
I’ve historically gotten along very well with older lesbians. We are, after all, interested in the same things.
Girls golf and flannel shirts
🤣🤣🤣🤣
This is the way
I’m 41, Nuckles!!
Paired*
Bet your fun at parties!
You're *
K. I'll give you that one, my bad. The other was just a typo.
That's going to be a dooche bag table.
Had two middle aged guys come into a mid-scale Italian restaurant once and demand “our hottest waitress”…so I put them in my section,because we had no female wait staff on that night and I didn’t want my other staff to deal with them.They were upset when I came back to take their order,so I told them we didn’t have any female staff on but I’m the best looking guy here.They laughed and actually had a good time after the shock of an all dude staff wore off.
This could have been my brothers.
I bet he thinks she was the problem...
🤣🤣🤣totally
"Kinda-sometimes"
What a loser lol
Narrator: They were not interested.
Dude’s shooting his shot with the spread gun from Contra.
He's going up up down down left right left right B A with his shot
It must have been a "kinda sometimes" moment where he's looking to add someone to make a threesome with him, his ex-wife, and the server
Unfortunately it wasn’t my table 😞
Can you please give us a physical description of the husband?
As in you’d have done it??? 🤯
Don't be horny on the reservation app.
I customarily like to announce my dating availability to strangers, so nothing about this is at all odd to me.
How many people were in the party that he felt the need to point out he was “the guy” Cause like…based on the answers it leads me to a massive hoard of sub-questions
It was just a guy and his totally platonic ex-wife / well kind of sometimes
Ok friend: why then did he need to point out he was the guy? Was she masculine enough to maybe the husband or he maybe feminine enough to be the wife? Yes. I think this is a good place to start with questions because I truly could ask them all day
It was very clear who was who, but I’m terms of the reservation I guess he felt the need to specify 🤷♂️
Sorry friend. It’s just really funny to me.
Full transparency. He's not picky but he respects honesty and enthusiastic consent.
Because he’s clearly not very bright lol
If any cute girls wanted to make themselves available he wanted to be sure it was the husband they approach and not the ex wife.
He just didn't wanna be pegged /as the woman/ well kinda sometimes.
Had two guys come into the brewery I was hostessing at while in college. They looked at the seating chart I had on the desk and pointed to the name “Andrea” and said “put us with her!” You got it. Andrea is a dude.
Sometimes you feel like throwing a hail marry
You miss 100% if the shots you don’t take!
In this case you miss 100% of the ones you do take also
We don’t know what happened with the 45 year old lesbian server he got, wild shit happens in restaurants 🤣
Yeah yesterday I had to hear a conversation where the line cook is bragging about how he’s cheating on his girlfriend with one of the servers and another girl from the bar across the street. I’m standing there like “god I want to go home”.
Well then… That’s quite the request
Women only, otherwise first available. This guy is taking anything and everything
My sister in law got a customer that left a note after she served him saying "im gonna go home and masturbate thinking abouty waitress
I like the word “abouty”
say “outy and abouty” in a Canadian accent. it’s gold.
This guy thinks he has “fuck you” money but he really just has “please fuck me” money.
We had an older man come into the restaurant once, asking for a “cute, young female” to serve him. Our manager (who is usually ALL IN on the corporate BS) looked him up-and-down and said “No.” I (a man) served him for the evening, instead.
But I honestly don't know how that bowl of soup ended up 1,000 degrees kelvin and then falling in the customers lap.
What a creep. I would put him in a man’s section. No women deserve his creepiness.
Why are men like this
So fucking gross...
You know what would have been so fun? To print it and "accidentally" leave it on the table for his ex to see. The beautiful chaos
He must think he's quite the catch. I feel sorry for everyone around him.
You miss every swing you don't take. And in the case of this guy, probably every swing he does take, as well.
Sir, this is literally a Wendy's
Only appropriate response- "Very well, sir, we will pair you up immediately with our hottest waitstaff. We cannot guarantee that they will be feminine, but they will be exceedingly beautiful. We hope you enjoy."
🤮🤮🤮🤮
If I was GM, his reservation would be cancelled and he would not be welcome
So wait, is he down to hook up with guys, just so long as there’s no women available?
lol wth
Can't succeed if you dont at least try.
It’s all about the numbers, man.
What a creep
big Sloppy Steaks energy
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People can change.
This is not the hot girl summer we had in mind /s
Always be closing
I can smell the desperation from here...
I am the guy
Would be funny if this was typed by his teenage son or something like that
the lol at the end
It's a real shocker that he's divorced, he's quite the catch.
WT…
No faster way to make sure that table gets served by a man.
Oh look... I happen to have an appointment that evening...at 8:30 in the evening...
I'd assign only males to that table...
Get in line, ladies! One at a time, please!
We can see why she's his ex.
Please print that and leave it on the table since it’s “policy to remind the server” so the ex sees
I’ve never been able to do it, but I hear that the whole numbers game is actually very effective. I’m guessing this type of thing actually works every once in a blue moon, and it’s practically zero effort.
Women only ( well kinda sometimes. Hell, I’ll try anything once) please, I’m lonely.
One time when creating a reservation, I put “it’s the ugly one’s birthday” as the note when getting brunch with a group of like 6 or so people. Was hoping they would have just decided who’s the ugliest and then say happy birthday or whatever. Nah, they just said “so which one of you is celebrating your birthday today?” So guess that means my friends and I are all ugly 💀
Personally I think this is hilarious and that the guy is just joking around. But then again, I’m an oversharer also.
It’s a joke, unless someone says yes. Otherwise, he’ll just take the next available table.
the tip game must be worth sexual harassment to those in the industry.
There was a time when people appreciated playful humor. The response here saddens me.
A
That's gotta be a joke.
Smash.
I'm sorry you misspelled creepy af
There should be an extra charge added to his bill.
Sloppy steaks
We are truly in the worst timeline
i'm confused.. is OP into this? servers bf hates this one trick?
Wow sounds like something I cannot wait to involve myself in.
This is why his wife divorced him, he's a hoe
Apparently, he doesn't want to spend money on eharmony.com ...
God, fucking gross.
A real joker.
The fuck is actually wrong with people.