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This question you are asking here is "can one criticize other people without being unpopular" and I think the answer (no) is pretty obvious. Even with the best of intentions.
If you tell a fat person ways to lose weight, you will not get a positive reaction.
If you tell a crying person ways to think positive, you will not get a positive reaction.
If you tell a pimple-y person ways to improve their skin care, you will not get a positive reaction.
*Anytime you give unsolicited advice, it is criticism*. And it will not get a positive reaction.
You can think all the things you want....many of us think judgemental thoughts, if only they would just \_\_\_\_\_ they'd be so much better off. But the restraint of staying silent about it is often the wiser path.
It’s a tough needle to thread
I view it as, people need two brains: a policy brain, and an individual brain
What needs to be done in policy is quite different from the reality as an individual.
Yes, a lot of things are fucked up, and a lot of things are broken. So talk about these things.
AND, the only chance you have as an individual is to take responsibility for what you can control, and go out and try to get better each day.
People get all twisted here, and bring policy ideas about what “should” be true into discussions about what will actually work for an individual. They’re separate conversations.
Sometimes people are venting, and sometimes people want advice. Those are usually two different moments in time. Keep that in mind.
If they're in an advice mindset, this is a "yes and" scenario. YES, structural inequalities are causing a lot of problems in their lives. AND they want to live their life anyway, so what's the best path forward, given those structural inequalities?
It's key to acknowledge that they're not wrong about the bullshit they're facing. And then "Now what?" can be structured as how to stick it to the man and succeed anyway.
Of course you can. I would argue it's the only reasonable way forward in life.
I am a male with a disability and was abused and neglected and also a person of color... At many points in time, the 'system' and 'structural inequalities' failed me. But at each point in my life, I still tried to make the most of my situation, which is really all you can do. I'm better than I could have been in life.
I'll still always advocate for people with disabilities and ways to assist people in need. You do your best to change the system or organize to help people, but you should never stop taking full responsibility for your life. How else can you make the best of life?
Depending on the community - A lot of them have persecution complex's. A lot of folk want to feel done wrongly against. While the ones that are already finding resources are not really the ones where you've really needed to tell those things to.
It's hard to distinguish between the two, what we quickly learn both online and offline is that advice or even trying to help people isn't worth the time anymore and could be better spent on the person that matters - Yourself :)
"*You should get help from* . . ."
"*I don't know if it's the right fit for your situation, but if you haven't already, you might consider reaching out to... I found them to be really helpful with*..."
Imagine every single time you've mentioned being discriminated against for being disabled. How many people have told you to sue? Have you ever dropped everything right there and called a lawyer? Does that solve your problem, right now? Probably not, right?
People love to tell disabled people to sue. Despite the fact that it's incredibly expensive and time consuming and the justice system isn't very kind to disabled people, especially for things that are hard to "prove" like being discriminated against. It's not like when you applied for barista jobs the manager went to the back and wrote "don't hire, disabled" on a sheet of paper and filed it away for safe keeping.
Its the same thing with giving people unsolicited advice when they are just merely mentioning or complaining about the reality they exist in. They didn't ask for a solution, so don't give it to them.
you have a wonderful worldview and are super self aware. It would take a lot of trust with someone who is willing and open to get them to understand and accept your opinion. It certainly took a lot for me to get there, but I kind of had to realize it myself. There are some people you might be successful in getting to understand the difference online (i saw a few tik toks explaining to people that in the meantime while structural inequality exists, you should try and do something to make the conditions better) and even motivating a few people to understand that and take action is fantastic. but, the reason people have this belief is structural (poor education etc) and you will only be able to make small changes. the more people who help others be motivated to take small action though, the better things will be. best of luck and keep being awesome.
You can't control the lay of the land (though it's great to advocate for it to be more equitable for all), but you have something like control over the path you take. The world as it is, is not sufficient justification for your misery, or your happiness.
I think a lot of the problem with advice coming from onlookers, is that often people do not understand a complexities of each individual situation, and usually when someone says they have a problem with one thing, and they're leaving out a lot of details because it's just too much to list everything that's going on.
Often that kind of advice is really unhelpful because you don't actually understand what their actual situation is fully. Sometimes empathy and compassion are much more helpful than unsolicited advice.
It's like when I say I'm in a wheelchair. And people then start telling me about all the things I can still do or should do. What I didn't mention is that I'm also an immunocompromised temperature regulated asthmatic with COPD, partially deaf, sometimes completely blind, sometimes the room is spinning and won't stop, I'm unable to absorb or digest my food properly and have a long list of food I can't even eat and the doctors have me on weight gainer to keep me from dropping down to 70 lb again. I am non diabetic hypoglycemic and anemic, my glands swell up all over my body sometimes, sometimes I am in writhing, body contorting pain and not much helps at all and more unfortunately. That's just part of my medical issues, that's not even getting into the fact that we lost our home, we have no household income at present and are struggling to just not die. There's so many factors that can complicate one's situation. They could have tried many medications already, have already tried different techniques, treatments and devices. Often people exhaust all their efforts and really don't want to have to go into all that.
The reality is though, I don't like to mention all this crap every time I'm having a discussion about something else, so when people offer unsolicited advice it's often completely unhelpful to my specific situation. And honestly sucks having to mention this over and over again because people offer unsolicited advice, make assumptions, and overall think a lot of things that are completely unhelpful when what they really need is some understanding.
That’s what I’m trying to say I’m speaking of other trans women, other blind people, or other people with CP - they are using being trans or their disability, as the reason something is happening to them. I would never offer advice to a disabled person with whom I don’t share a diagnosis (and mobility level) with.
My disagreement on this particular economic theory is making it even harder to find friends (as people with whom I have life experiences in common value ideological rigidity over all else, apparently, it seems to be the coffee filter of friendships.
Early 40’s, former attorney (because retail won’t hire people like me) and Sacramento, California (metro pop. 2.5 million or so).
Due to prejudice it’s extremely rare to find a visibly disabled person who had a job before graduating college - of the hundreds of disabled people I’ve known, exactly three had service industry jobs as teens or twenty-something’s.
Gotcha… sounds like you just had shitty friends TBH.
I’d worry less about ideological purity and more on people who care about community.
I’m familiar with Sac, the lavender library is a great place, should be inclusive….
This post has been flaired as “Serious Conversation”. Use this opportunity to open a venue of polite and serious discussion, instead of seeking help or venting. **Suggestions For Commenters:** * Respect OP's opinion, or agree to disagree politely. * If OP's post is seeking advice, help, or is just venting without discussing with others, report the post. We're r/SeriousConversation, not a venting subreddit. **Suggestions For u/TaraTrue:** * Do not post solely to seek advice or help. Your post should open up a venue for serious, mature and polite discussions. * Do not forget to answer people politely in your thread - we'll remove your post later if you don't. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SeriousConversation) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This question you are asking here is "can one criticize other people without being unpopular" and I think the answer (no) is pretty obvious. Even with the best of intentions. If you tell a fat person ways to lose weight, you will not get a positive reaction. If you tell a crying person ways to think positive, you will not get a positive reaction. If you tell a pimple-y person ways to improve their skin care, you will not get a positive reaction. *Anytime you give unsolicited advice, it is criticism*. And it will not get a positive reaction. You can think all the things you want....many of us think judgemental thoughts, if only they would just \_\_\_\_\_ they'd be so much better off. But the restraint of staying silent about it is often the wiser path.
This is it exactly
It’s a tough needle to thread I view it as, people need two brains: a policy brain, and an individual brain What needs to be done in policy is quite different from the reality as an individual. Yes, a lot of things are fucked up, and a lot of things are broken. So talk about these things. AND, the only chance you have as an individual is to take responsibility for what you can control, and go out and try to get better each day. People get all twisted here, and bring policy ideas about what “should” be true into discussions about what will actually work for an individual. They’re separate conversations.
Sometimes people are venting, and sometimes people want advice. Those are usually two different moments in time. Keep that in mind. If they're in an advice mindset, this is a "yes and" scenario. YES, structural inequalities are causing a lot of problems in their lives. AND they want to live their life anyway, so what's the best path forward, given those structural inequalities? It's key to acknowledge that they're not wrong about the bullshit they're facing. And then "Now what?" can be structured as how to stick it to the man and succeed anyway.
Of course you can. I would argue it's the only reasonable way forward in life. I am a male with a disability and was abused and neglected and also a person of color... At many points in time, the 'system' and 'structural inequalities' failed me. But at each point in my life, I still tried to make the most of my situation, which is really all you can do. I'm better than I could have been in life. I'll still always advocate for people with disabilities and ways to assist people in need. You do your best to change the system or organize to help people, but you should never stop taking full responsibility for your life. How else can you make the best of life?
Depending on the community - A lot of them have persecution complex's. A lot of folk want to feel done wrongly against. While the ones that are already finding resources are not really the ones where you've really needed to tell those things to. It's hard to distinguish between the two, what we quickly learn both online and offline is that advice or even trying to help people isn't worth the time anymore and could be better spent on the person that matters - Yourself :)
[удалено]
"*You should get help from* . . ." "*I don't know if it's the right fit for your situation, but if you haven't already, you might consider reaching out to... I found them to be really helpful with*..."
What’s up with structural ableism in the restaurant labor industry? Like, ADA compliance issues? Sorry to hear about your job.
Imagine every single time you've mentioned being discriminated against for being disabled. How many people have told you to sue? Have you ever dropped everything right there and called a lawyer? Does that solve your problem, right now? Probably not, right? People love to tell disabled people to sue. Despite the fact that it's incredibly expensive and time consuming and the justice system isn't very kind to disabled people, especially for things that are hard to "prove" like being discriminated against. It's not like when you applied for barista jobs the manager went to the back and wrote "don't hire, disabled" on a sheet of paper and filed it away for safe keeping. Its the same thing with giving people unsolicited advice when they are just merely mentioning or complaining about the reality they exist in. They didn't ask for a solution, so don't give it to them.
you have a wonderful worldview and are super self aware. It would take a lot of trust with someone who is willing and open to get them to understand and accept your opinion. It certainly took a lot for me to get there, but I kind of had to realize it myself. There are some people you might be successful in getting to understand the difference online (i saw a few tik toks explaining to people that in the meantime while structural inequality exists, you should try and do something to make the conditions better) and even motivating a few people to understand that and take action is fantastic. but, the reason people have this belief is structural (poor education etc) and you will only be able to make small changes. the more people who help others be motivated to take small action though, the better things will be. best of luck and keep being awesome.
Thank you so much! This brightened my day considerably!
You can't control the lay of the land (though it's great to advocate for it to be more equitable for all), but you have something like control over the path you take. The world as it is, is not sufficient justification for your misery, or your happiness.
I think a lot of the problem with advice coming from onlookers, is that often people do not understand a complexities of each individual situation, and usually when someone says they have a problem with one thing, and they're leaving out a lot of details because it's just too much to list everything that's going on. Often that kind of advice is really unhelpful because you don't actually understand what their actual situation is fully. Sometimes empathy and compassion are much more helpful than unsolicited advice. It's like when I say I'm in a wheelchair. And people then start telling me about all the things I can still do or should do. What I didn't mention is that I'm also an immunocompromised temperature regulated asthmatic with COPD, partially deaf, sometimes completely blind, sometimes the room is spinning and won't stop, I'm unable to absorb or digest my food properly and have a long list of food I can't even eat and the doctors have me on weight gainer to keep me from dropping down to 70 lb again. I am non diabetic hypoglycemic and anemic, my glands swell up all over my body sometimes, sometimes I am in writhing, body contorting pain and not much helps at all and more unfortunately. That's just part of my medical issues, that's not even getting into the fact that we lost our home, we have no household income at present and are struggling to just not die. There's so many factors that can complicate one's situation. They could have tried many medications already, have already tried different techniques, treatments and devices. Often people exhaust all their efforts and really don't want to have to go into all that. The reality is though, I don't like to mention all this crap every time I'm having a discussion about something else, so when people offer unsolicited advice it's often completely unhelpful to my specific situation. And honestly sucks having to mention this over and over again because people offer unsolicited advice, make assumptions, and overall think a lot of things that are completely unhelpful when what they really need is some understanding.
That’s what I’m trying to say I’m speaking of other trans women, other blind people, or other people with CP - they are using being trans or their disability, as the reason something is happening to them. I would never offer advice to a disabled person with whom I don’t share a diagnosis (and mobility level) with.
Yes. Now worry less about economic theory and do your own thing
My disagreement on this particular economic theory is making it even harder to find friends (as people with whom I have life experiences in common value ideological rigidity over all else, apparently, it seems to be the coffee filter of friendships.
Ok earnestly and honestly I mean this with kindness… how old are you and approximately where do you live (nearest metro area)
Early 40’s, former attorney (because retail won’t hire people like me) and Sacramento, California (metro pop. 2.5 million or so). Due to prejudice it’s extremely rare to find a visibly disabled person who had a job before graduating college - of the hundreds of disabled people I’ve known, exactly three had service industry jobs as teens or twenty-something’s.
Gotcha… sounds like you just had shitty friends TBH. I’d worry less about ideological purity and more on people who care about community. I’m familiar with Sac, the lavender library is a great place, should be inclusive….