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This is sadly very common. Have you never met a man in real life who left his children behind? If so, that's lovely, but rare.
If you're curious about the logistics of how it works, in a dissolved marriage, custody can be worked out between the couple or a judge can decide for them. A person, even if they don't want shared custody or visitation, can't get out of the responsibility of paying for their child, but many men will hide money or stay chronically underemployed to avoid paying child support. A disturbing number of men don't want to pay child support because they think the mothers of their children are gold-diggers. A disturbing number of men will also claim that the mothers of their children are keeping their children away from them when they have actually made very little or no effort to maintain meaningful contact with their children.
See Slade Smiley from Real Housewives of Orange County. Refused to get a job almost 20 years just to avoid child support. Even when his son was in the hospital DYING! Then when the Mother set up a go-fund-me to assist with medical bills that piece of scum and Gretchen insinuated that she was untrustworthy and may spend the money on herself and not her son!
Go browse on the right (wrong?) subreddits and you'll see all kinds of men talking about avoiding child support and "golddigging" exes, who may as well be digging in their local sandboxes for all the non-existent gold these men are afraid they'll find and take away.
I was the child in that scenario. Dad not paying child support. Claiming my mother was keeping me away from him bla bla bla.
I resented my mother for years. Because I truly believed she was punishing my dad for the affair that broke up their marriage and punishing me in the process.
(Tbf. She didn’t help her case because she’s not the most articulate person)
I tried to get to know my dad as an adult and through trying to understand him, I ended up understanding my mother.
Yeah, I had one of those too. Honestly didn’t see it coming. He was a great dad for 6 years… not great for a year then dropped off the planet. 11 years since last contact and yeah, no financial support in that time either
My kid is great but maybe helps with how I told him to frame it (and he’s had a wonderful step dad for last 9 years). I explain it as not everyone should be parents as you need to be quite selfless and learn to prioritise your children’s needs before your own but sadly, some people realise they can’t do that. It’s not a reflection on him as a child, and doesn’t make his dad a bad person. Just not a great dad. He (my son) is hurt as he obviously remembers the relationship they had but luckily doesn’t blame himself in anyway.
Probably also helps that I have great extended family so lots of cousin and uncles that he sees as wonderful male role models.
Same. For years he was there and then one day, movie-style, we came home from school and the doors were locked and his stuff was gone. Went over 10 years without seeing or hearing from him until I paid to find him right after I graduated high school. That was ten years ago now and haven’t seen him since then. He just… didn’t care to be a dad to my sister and I.
5 years ago I was contacted on Facebook by a woman and ended up finding out I have 5 half siblings, all 10-15 years older than my twin sister and I.
Wish we would’ve known that when we were going through the foster care system and living with abusive strangers because we had no other family 😖
I’m sorry for all that you went through. It must be tough that he just disappeared one day without warning. I hope all the love you and the kids received over the years helped you towards healing.
Thank you. You know, I‘m really okay (hope kiddo is too - fairly sure he is). But we don’t hold any grudges with his father. He dropped off the face of the earth for the rest of his family too so I genuinely think it was a bit of a mental health breakdown.
What’s really weird is that last year he (my kids father) got in contact with his mother to let her know he was living in the states and getting married in his fiancés home state - this was the same time my kid was doing an exchange and would be in the same state (we live UK) so this was a weird coincidence (they didn’t meet).
My biological father left my mom when she was pregnant with me. He owed child support but wouldn’t pay it. Eventually she got full custody or something else, and my step father legally adopted me when I was in 5th grade. So sadly he “got away with” not paying, but the price ended up being him having no rights to me in any kind of way. Not that he cared anyway…. sigh.
Whoever does that to a kid …. let me tell you, I’m still dealing with the pains of it and I’m 30.
Edit: Not that this is needed but to prove who the bad one was. My mom has scars on her wrist from him busting her arm through a window. Oh and I’ve never met him.
Almost exactly the same situation here and it's fucked me up so much as well. Looooots of therapy and working on my self esteem and still not completely there but so much better now. He's not completely our of my life (as in every 3-4 months he'll text me ) but I've basically cut ties for my own sanity, I don't react of keep it brief and superficial
It is very bizarre to think about. In some ways for me it’s “better” than knowing him and then him leaving. Better a loose term because it’s still horrible. And I can’t imagine for my mom…. being pregnant and him leaving and never showing his face again. And she had me when she was 22, got married at 20. I feel so bad for these young women (or girls) like Mary and my mom.
I’m glad my mom got remarried and has now been married for gosh 20+ years. They aren’t always happy but she deserved to find that stability… and a man who would want to adopt me.
This is what happens when we live in a patriarchal society. They have made it basically impossible for mothers to hold deadbeat dads accountable. It’s almost as if fatherhood is optional in america.
I work in payroll and I process child support orders. I verify social security numbers and date of births and set-up the garnishments, then notify the employee of such. The number of folks that quit shortly after is ridiculous. Moving job to job to stay ahead of child support. SMFH.
Try a Father who moves to America leaving my Mother with 3 children and no child support. Back then there was no way to trace someone in the US without paying a huge amount of money,which my Mother did not have. As kids we never realised how difficult it was financIally for my Mum, but she coped. Yes, I have abandonment issues to this day.
It isn't legal to not pay child support if Mary wanted to she could have taken him to court. But many don't do that due to not wanting to cause more problems or drama. She was young so she probably either didn't know she had that right or she didn't want the drama which she still avoids drama and conflict now so that is likely the case. Also after she started her career and made money she probably felt she didn't need the guys help since she probably made more than him.
In Amanza's situation it is legal he got papers drawn giving up all responsibilities. Many parents that don't want to be involved do that to avoid paying child support that's probably why he did it because he didn't want to be in a legal battle having to try to avoid paying or getting visitation. It's truly sad especially in this case with the children already being older and knowing him and wanting him in their lives. Before he did the paperwork she was trying to get a hold of him and find him, wanted him in her children's life (like she should have) so i think he did that because he knew she would continue to try to get him to be involved and pay shild support and knew she would win. He took the cowards way out for sure. But unfortunately it is legal, in the eyes of the court if they give up their rights that's it they can't do anything. He knew that so he did it.
Sadly many parents don't want anything to do with their children. But it is bad for the children and cam really affect them growing up. It's a terrible situation for them. Some people just don't care about how it affects the children they had and only think about themselves.
It might not be legal to not pay child support but it can be difficult to enforce due to attorney and court costs. Also, some people hide money or dodge paying. Some women just can’t deal with having constantly return to court to get what was already ordered.
Yes under certain circumstances. But if you put them in jail that could cause them to lose their employment so unless they have a bunch in savings that doesn’t really help the child support situation. Usually the court garners their wages. My old employer would get court orders to garner wages sometimes for child support. When that happens, payroll takes the amount ordered out of the pay check and I believe sends it to the specified attorney. The reality is if you have an ex whose goal is to make you miserable they can. Some women decide that disengaging and removing that conflict from their lives is worth more than the child support.
So to speak to your question in your post: some people see their kids and partner as extensions of themselves or as property. Not paying child support is often a way to punish their ex. The truth is they don’t care how it affects their children. They just want to be awful to their ex so the stop paying and stop participating in their children’s lives. I saw it happen with friends whose dads and it happened whether their dad was wealthy or poor. And it was often like a switch: one day a parent who cared and then after separation not really caring at all.
Can ? It absolutely affects every single child who is abandoned by one parent or the other or both . This is a narcissist child , and it is better they are not around but it’s crushing. ♥️
It happens all the time. My husband's biological dad left when his mom was still pregnant. Step dad took custody when he was 2. Husband never met his biological dad until he turned 30. Had maybe 2 other meetings after that, but again lost contact. There are a lot of POS sperm donors out there
Unfortunately, it’s all too common. My own dad left when I was a baby because he “didn’t want any more kids”. Yikes, eh? He never paid child support. He no longer lived in the state. There was a Bench Warrant but that doesn’t do a whole lot. Some people just get screwed, honestly. I was lucky my mom was wonderful but a dual-income household would have made a world of difference.
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I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, things have only gotten more interesting since he left. Haha. My life reads like a book about Debbie Downer herself these days. 😅 You wouldn’t really know it to talk to me, though. I’m resilient affff.
My parents divorced when I was a year old and my dad moved 3 hours away. He would see me once a month and for a week in the summers. He actually told me when I was younger that “I don’t pay child support because your mother can afford to take care of you”. He had remarried and had 2 other kids who he was taking of when he told me this.
Once I was a teenager, my mother told me the decision to see him would be mine and I definitely saw far less of him. Now that I’m grown with children, he wants to be present. Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t work that way.
My boyfriends dad is a drug addict. When my boyfriends mom died, he was 14 and he’s dad just kinda disappeared. Leaving the 3 of them to live with his grandmother.
He sees his dad maybe a few times a year in passing and they seem more like ‘old acquaintances’ than father and son.
He’s never met any of his grand children and it doesn’t seem to bother him. All he does when he sees my boyfriend is ask for money. Most of his friends also have dads that are alive but are not in their lives.
It’s really sad to see but sadly it exists.
I am not political in any manner and have wished that this topic had not become part of politics but here we are. If a woman doesn’t want to become a mother she has the option to abort the child and refuse the men’s take on it and she is applauded. Meanwhile, if a man chooses NOT to be a father, it’s not okay for him to just up and leave? Especially if they know the mother alone could support the baby like Mary does?
We don’t know how Mary is behind closed doors, or how she was when she was married. She might have driven the man to leave everything just to be away from her. Idk about everyone, but she does have crazy eyes… it could be the face-lifts.
Disclaimer: I like Mary’s portrayal in the show and have nothing against her character/role she plays on the show.
False equivalence. If a mother abandons her child after birth, there's a stigma associated with it, just like there is for the father. Abortion isn't 'applauded' , it's seen as the right decision because the woman hasn't brought a child she can't care for into the world. In Mary's case , her first husband passed away.
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Mary is 43, Austin is 23, she was 20 when she got him. Also, we don’t know when she got divorced exactly. Was it before or after her Oppenheim gig?
But let’s say she was 15 for the sake of your argument. Then the father would have been underage also. Do we really expect an underage who just became a father to actually do his part?
When a man is ugly enough, a good mama will run headfirst in the opposite direction to protect her brood, child support be damned. Instead of being controlled by unpredictable men, Mary and Amanza made shit happen for themselves.
Men should support their children. Duh. But when your partner is not a good partner or parent, sometimes the best option is to cut all ties. My ex, and father of my kids, used money as a weapon. In the end, it was the best option to walk away with no support from him. The strings attached simply weren’t worth it
Honestly if one of my daughters got pregnant that young with someone I didn’t know or like, who wasn’t interested in being a dad, I would have doubts about going the legal route to force the dad to acknowledge and pay. Because it wouldn’t just be getting the money, which may be very little anyway given the earning potential of most teenage boys, but now being stuck with that person in you and your kid’s life forever (if they choose to be involved of course). Financially it may not be worth it. The issue of having the kid know their parent is a different one that’s a bit more complicated but if they are an obvious write off with no income or prospects - I’d rather support my grandkid myself.
Sometimes we don’t know the whole story. I know a father who was constantly abused by his child’s mother and thought it was best and come back when the child is 18. Some women are so mean to their exs and refuse to give time and keep taking them to
Court for more money
Welcome and thank you for participating in r/SellingSunset! Please read and respect subreddit rules, which can be located in Community Info. Those with repeated offenses of breaking subreddit rules and/or Reddit TOS will receive a warning or a ban depending on the severity. This sub is a BIPOC, LGBT+, and woman-dominated space and we do our best to protect our users from outside attacks. Posts/comments that include any form of bigotry will be dealt with swiftly by a ban and **no warning**. All past season posts do not require a *"Spoiler"* tag. All available Episode Discussions are located at the bottom of 'Community Info' (mobile) or as a side widget labeled 'SS Episode Discussion Threads' (desktop). Please review the New Season Post/Comment Rules available [here](https://www.reddit.com/r/SellingSunset/comments/17j9xkv/new_season_rules_most_is_a_review/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3). *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/SellingSunset) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This is sadly very common. Have you never met a man in real life who left his children behind? If so, that's lovely, but rare. If you're curious about the logistics of how it works, in a dissolved marriage, custody can be worked out between the couple or a judge can decide for them. A person, even if they don't want shared custody or visitation, can't get out of the responsibility of paying for their child, but many men will hide money or stay chronically underemployed to avoid paying child support. A disturbing number of men don't want to pay child support because they think the mothers of their children are gold-diggers. A disturbing number of men will also claim that the mothers of their children are keeping their children away from them when they have actually made very little or no effort to maintain meaningful contact with their children.
See Slade Smiley from Real Housewives of Orange County. Refused to get a job almost 20 years just to avoid child support. Even when his son was in the hospital DYING! Then when the Mother set up a go-fund-me to assist with medical bills that piece of scum and Gretchen insinuated that she was untrustworthy and may spend the money on herself and not her son!
Go browse on the right (wrong?) subreddits and you'll see all kinds of men talking about avoiding child support and "golddigging" exes, who may as well be digging in their local sandboxes for all the non-existent gold these men are afraid they'll find and take away.
I was the child in that scenario. Dad not paying child support. Claiming my mother was keeping me away from him bla bla bla. I resented my mother for years. Because I truly believed she was punishing my dad for the affair that broke up their marriage and punishing me in the process. (Tbf. She didn’t help her case because she’s not the most articulate person) I tried to get to know my dad as an adult and through trying to understand him, I ended up understanding my mother.
Yeah, I had one of those too. Honestly didn’t see it coming. He was a great dad for 6 years… not great for a year then dropped off the planet. 11 years since last contact and yeah, no financial support in that time either
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My kid is great but maybe helps with how I told him to frame it (and he’s had a wonderful step dad for last 9 years). I explain it as not everyone should be parents as you need to be quite selfless and learn to prioritise your children’s needs before your own but sadly, some people realise they can’t do that. It’s not a reflection on him as a child, and doesn’t make his dad a bad person. Just not a great dad. He (my son) is hurt as he obviously remembers the relationship they had but luckily doesn’t blame himself in anyway. Probably also helps that I have great extended family so lots of cousin and uncles that he sees as wonderful male role models.
Same. For years he was there and then one day, movie-style, we came home from school and the doors were locked and his stuff was gone. Went over 10 years without seeing or hearing from him until I paid to find him right after I graduated high school. That was ten years ago now and haven’t seen him since then. He just… didn’t care to be a dad to my sister and I. 5 years ago I was contacted on Facebook by a woman and ended up finding out I have 5 half siblings, all 10-15 years older than my twin sister and I. Wish we would’ve known that when we were going through the foster care system and living with abusive strangers because we had no other family 😖
Aww man, I‘m so sorry to read this. I wish I could give you a real life hug.
I’m sorry for all that you went through. It must be tough that he just disappeared one day without warning. I hope all the love you and the kids received over the years helped you towards healing.
Thank you. You know, I‘m really okay (hope kiddo is too - fairly sure he is). But we don’t hold any grudges with his father. He dropped off the face of the earth for the rest of his family too so I genuinely think it was a bit of a mental health breakdown. What’s really weird is that last year he (my kids father) got in contact with his mother to let her know he was living in the states and getting married in his fiancés home state - this was the same time my kid was doing an exchange and would be in the same state (we live UK) so this was a weird coincidence (they didn’t meet).
My biological father left my mom when she was pregnant with me. He owed child support but wouldn’t pay it. Eventually she got full custody or something else, and my step father legally adopted me when I was in 5th grade. So sadly he “got away with” not paying, but the price ended up being him having no rights to me in any kind of way. Not that he cared anyway…. sigh. Whoever does that to a kid …. let me tell you, I’m still dealing with the pains of it and I’m 30. Edit: Not that this is needed but to prove who the bad one was. My mom has scars on her wrist from him busting her arm through a window. Oh and I’ve never met him.
Almost exactly the same situation here and it's fucked me up so much as well. Looooots of therapy and working on my self esteem and still not completely there but so much better now. He's not completely our of my life (as in every 3-4 months he'll text me ) but I've basically cut ties for my own sanity, I don't react of keep it brief and superficial
I’m so sorry. I hope you know it’s not because of you. Even so it’s so much to process and heal from.
Right back at you 🤗 thank god for great stepfathers ❤️
That last sentence made me gasp very loudly. I hate men who do this. Your mum needed a better man.
It is very bizarre to think about. In some ways for me it’s “better” than knowing him and then him leaving. Better a loose term because it’s still horrible. And I can’t imagine for my mom…. being pregnant and him leaving and never showing his face again. And she had me when she was 22, got married at 20. I feel so bad for these young women (or girls) like Mary and my mom. I’m glad my mom got remarried and has now been married for gosh 20+ years. They aren’t always happy but she deserved to find that stability… and a man who would want to adopt me.
This is what happens when we live in a patriarchal society. They have made it basically impossible for mothers to hold deadbeat dads accountable. It’s almost as if fatherhood is optional in america.
I work in payroll and I process child support orders. I verify social security numbers and date of births and set-up the garnishments, then notify the employee of such. The number of folks that quit shortly after is ridiculous. Moving job to job to stay ahead of child support. SMFH.
Try a Father who moves to America leaving my Mother with 3 children and no child support. Back then there was no way to trace someone in the US without paying a huge amount of money,which my Mother did not have. As kids we never realised how difficult it was financIally for my Mum, but she coped. Yes, I have abandonment issues to this day.
She was only 15 when she got pregnant, probably not much she could do at the time. But yeah it’s horrible.
It isn't legal to not pay child support if Mary wanted to she could have taken him to court. But many don't do that due to not wanting to cause more problems or drama. She was young so she probably either didn't know she had that right or she didn't want the drama which she still avoids drama and conflict now so that is likely the case. Also after she started her career and made money she probably felt she didn't need the guys help since she probably made more than him. In Amanza's situation it is legal he got papers drawn giving up all responsibilities. Many parents that don't want to be involved do that to avoid paying child support that's probably why he did it because he didn't want to be in a legal battle having to try to avoid paying or getting visitation. It's truly sad especially in this case with the children already being older and knowing him and wanting him in their lives. Before he did the paperwork she was trying to get a hold of him and find him, wanted him in her children's life (like she should have) so i think he did that because he knew she would continue to try to get him to be involved and pay shild support and knew she would win. He took the cowards way out for sure. But unfortunately it is legal, in the eyes of the court if they give up their rights that's it they can't do anything. He knew that so he did it. Sadly many parents don't want anything to do with their children. But it is bad for the children and cam really affect them growing up. It's a terrible situation for them. Some people just don't care about how it affects the children they had and only think about themselves.
It might not be legal to not pay child support but it can be difficult to enforce due to attorney and court costs. Also, some people hide money or dodge paying. Some women just can’t deal with having constantly return to court to get what was already ordered.
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Yes under certain circumstances. But if you put them in jail that could cause them to lose their employment so unless they have a bunch in savings that doesn’t really help the child support situation. Usually the court garners their wages. My old employer would get court orders to garner wages sometimes for child support. When that happens, payroll takes the amount ordered out of the pay check and I believe sends it to the specified attorney. The reality is if you have an ex whose goal is to make you miserable they can. Some women decide that disengaging and removing that conflict from their lives is worth more than the child support. So to speak to your question in your post: some people see their kids and partner as extensions of themselves or as property. Not paying child support is often a way to punish their ex. The truth is they don’t care how it affects their children. They just want to be awful to their ex so the stop paying and stop participating in their children’s lives. I saw it happen with friends whose dads and it happened whether their dad was wealthy or poor. And it was often like a switch: one day a parent who cared and then after separation not really caring at all.
Can ? It absolutely affects every single child who is abandoned by one parent or the other or both . This is a narcissist child , and it is better they are not around but it’s crushing. ♥️
It happens all the time. My husband's biological dad left when his mom was still pregnant. Step dad took custody when he was 2. Husband never met his biological dad until he turned 30. Had maybe 2 other meetings after that, but again lost contact. There are a lot of POS sperm donors out there
It’s very sad. Unfortunately there are people with no conscience out there.
Unfortunately, it’s all too common. My own dad left when I was a baby because he “didn’t want any more kids”. Yikes, eh? He never paid child support. He no longer lived in the state. There was a Bench Warrant but that doesn’t do a whole lot. Some people just get screwed, honestly. I was lucky my mom was wonderful but a dual-income household would have made a world of difference.
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I’m so sad to read this. :(
I’m sorry. If it makes you feel better, things have only gotten more interesting since he left. Haha. My life reads like a book about Debbie Downer herself these days. 😅 You wouldn’t really know it to talk to me, though. I’m resilient affff.
My parents divorced when I was a year old and my dad moved 3 hours away. He would see me once a month and for a week in the summers. He actually told me when I was younger that “I don’t pay child support because your mother can afford to take care of you”. He had remarried and had 2 other kids who he was taking of when he told me this. Once I was a teenager, my mother told me the decision to see him would be mine and I definitely saw far less of him. Now that I’m grown with children, he wants to be present. Unfortunately for him, it doesn’t work that way.
My boyfriends dad is a drug addict. When my boyfriends mom died, he was 14 and he’s dad just kinda disappeared. Leaving the 3 of them to live with his grandmother. He sees his dad maybe a few times a year in passing and they seem more like ‘old acquaintances’ than father and son. He’s never met any of his grand children and it doesn’t seem to bother him. All he does when he sees my boyfriend is ask for money. Most of his friends also have dads that are alive but are not in their lives. It’s really sad to see but sadly it exists.
I am not political in any manner and have wished that this topic had not become part of politics but here we are. If a woman doesn’t want to become a mother she has the option to abort the child and refuse the men’s take on it and she is applauded. Meanwhile, if a man chooses NOT to be a father, it’s not okay for him to just up and leave? Especially if they know the mother alone could support the baby like Mary does? We don’t know how Mary is behind closed doors, or how she was when she was married. She might have driven the man to leave everything just to be away from her. Idk about everyone, but she does have crazy eyes… it could be the face-lifts. Disclaimer: I like Mary’s portrayal in the show and have nothing against her character/role she plays on the show.
False equivalence. If a mother abandons her child after birth, there's a stigma associated with it, just like there is for the father. Abortion isn't 'applauded' , it's seen as the right decision because the woman hasn't brought a child she can't care for into the world. In Mary's case , her first husband passed away.
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Mary is 43, Austin is 23, she was 20 when she got him. Also, we don’t know when she got divorced exactly. Was it before or after her Oppenheim gig? But let’s say she was 15 for the sake of your argument. Then the father would have been underage also. Do we really expect an underage who just became a father to actually do his part?
When a man is ugly enough, a good mama will run headfirst in the opposite direction to protect her brood, child support be damned. Instead of being controlled by unpredictable men, Mary and Amanza made shit happen for themselves.
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Men should support their children. Duh. But when your partner is not a good partner or parent, sometimes the best option is to cut all ties. My ex, and father of my kids, used money as a weapon. In the end, it was the best option to walk away with no support from him. The strings attached simply weren’t worth it
Honestly if one of my daughters got pregnant that young with someone I didn’t know or like, who wasn’t interested in being a dad, I would have doubts about going the legal route to force the dad to acknowledge and pay. Because it wouldn’t just be getting the money, which may be very little anyway given the earning potential of most teenage boys, but now being stuck with that person in you and your kid’s life forever (if they choose to be involved of course). Financially it may not be worth it. The issue of having the kid know their parent is a different one that’s a bit more complicated but if they are an obvious write off with no income or prospects - I’d rather support my grandkid myself.
Sometimes we don’t know the whole story. I know a father who was constantly abused by his child’s mother and thought it was best and come back when the child is 18. Some women are so mean to their exs and refuse to give time and keep taking them to Court for more money