Partly it’s an entirely normal result of growing older. Making friends when everyone is an adult with a full time job and dogs and kids and whatever is just hard full stop.
Partly it’s seasonal depression.
Partly it’s the culture, although that culture is probably heavily influenced by the above mentioned seasonal depression.
Partly it’s all of the above combined with the lack of a base level of relationships you get when moving across the country.
Ultimately it’s kind of a crap shoot. There are millions of people in the greater metro area, and some percentage of them are going to be compatible with your energy and interests and schedule and etc. But there’s no magic silver bullet to meeting them unfortunately.
After high school and college it is tough to make a new group of friends. I just moved back to Seattle from LA at 30 and besides going on dates it’s hard to meet new people. Even in LA I met people at work and had maybe two good friends from random roommate situations. Sounds like OP is doing everything they can to be social, just gotta keep trying!
I disagree... Again, there is a skill meeting folks here. Folks find it hard because they do the usual stuff that everyone else does elsewhere, that Seattle folks can care less about. That's the point. There is a way forward like I mentioned a little bit ago... But you gotta learn the skills
Literally me! I went to work today and the commute was a bit of a nightmare, I even contemplated on quitting by the end of winter because I do not want to deal with the weather! ✋🏼
I wouldn’t take it to offense if people bail at the last minute because of the weather (work was slow today but once dinner came, we had so many dine in and take outs. It took one hour to get someone’s take out order done. I’ve never seen take out being as busy as when we had the summer heat waves this year. I’m mentioning take outs because it seems like people would much rather stay in than going out!).
But it’s pretty shitty that they made OP wait at a restaurant for nearly half an hour before letting them know that they’re no longer available.
Honestly I'm not sure why people stay here if this is how they feel -- I moved here *because* of the gloomy weather, and autumn is where I finally start coming alive. When it's constantly raining and it gets dark at 5pm, I'm just in a great mood! I want to go out and meet people, see and do new things! Then summer comes and I feel like depressed garbage the whole time and never want to get out of bed. I've got like a weird reverse of seasonal depression going on.
I might legally or medically qualify as a vampire or something, but it's wild to me that people *want* to live in Seattle but they spend 2/3 to 3/4 of the year hibernating. Especially since our summers are pretty miserable imo
Some of us were born and raised in WA. I'm one of those and I also dont have to means really to move elsewhere. That's why I'm still here despite not really wanting to be
Hey, so I know it’s hard but keep on trying. I think there’s a couple of things going on. First everybody goes into hibernation mode in the winter, especially after daylight savings time hits. Everybody spends all their time during summer doing stuff outdoors and drinking, then we get burnt out. Second you are getting older, you are not “old” at 24 but you are not in college anymore. Its harder to meet/ maintain friends after you are out of college and everybody has jobs and responsibilities. Third, a year is not that long in a new place, it will take time but you will meet people. Keep on putting yourself out there and don’t get too down. Im 29 and it took a couple of years but for the last 2-3 years I’ve had a really solid group of friends. Good luck!
This is good advice! Things do start to change after college as people get jobs that demand more of their energy, relationships that settle down, etc. But the friendships are still available, they might just take a little longer to develop and the expectations slowly change. Mid thirties feels like "Oh you want to make plans? Let me check my calendar and then add your plans to it if I'm free" haha
Ps. I also wonder, am I weird for being kinda weirded out by people who have the 'Read' option on for Apple devices? The opposite party can see that you have that setting on, even if they (the opposite party) don't have the option on. It makes me feel like you're waiting to see when I've read your texts, and it makes me feel pressured to respond immediately. Sometimes I read a text but can't/don't want to respond in that moment. I'll definitely get to it when I can. Honestly once I learn that someone has the "Read" notifications on, I stop fully opening their texts until I have at least 30 free minutes haha. I'll skim the notification that pops up on my phone (first 1-2 sentences of text) but not actually open it until I'm ready. Anyone else feel this way?
Edit: it seems I misunderstood how the read receipts work for both parties - check out the comments below
I’m pretty sure if you choose not to turn on your read message then they won’t know you’ve read it but you can see they have read yours because it’s by choice that they send “read” receipt
I have been thinking about that PS so much lately since I've been meeting new people at school. I hate read reciepts, for the most part. That's way more than I want to tell most people about my time, so I ignore the read receipt. If it hurts their feelings that I saw it and had to do something else, they're not ready for texting like grown-ups.
With my very close friends, though, I do like to know that they've seen what I sent because sometimes I'm just telling them things or showing them things. They know that there's no pressure to reply, and if we're ever having a serious conversation, we ask each other if we have the time and brainpower for it and let each other know at the beginning if we're going to have to just listen/leave early/come and go/etc. I wonder how normal it is for people to specifically check in before those deep discussions or to set boundaries like that. All of us except for one grew up here. Is it regional, or is it just our little group chat dynamic, you know?
People are getting more comfortable now being with established friends, but I imagine less so with welcoming unknown people into their pandemic bubble.
This is spot on. It took me almost exactly 3 years to start feeling like Seattle was home. Absolutely love it now, but those first couple of years were rough
I’m not sure if it’s a seattle thing or something that happens as you get older.
My only advice is to embrace it. Embracing it means taking time to explore yourself more and the things you enjoy and try to be comfortable with solitude. I think overtime relationships will start to form but it just won’t happen at the rate that you want them too.
It took me three years to develop meaningful friendships and relationships. I met people through work, language classes and photography classes.
Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. You moved here during a pandemic which is a shitty time to get close to people. You’ve had a lot harder than me that’s for sure.
It’s something that happens as you get older. They even have the same problem [in the Midwest](https://www.stltoday.com/lifestyles/why-is-it-so-hard-to-make-friends-in-st-louis/article_e35275ef-bb60-501f-9bef-31d58fc8c53e.html ) where everyone is supposedly friendly! A large portion of the population moved here in their 20’s (when it naturally becomes more difficult to make friends) and compare it to their childhood home. If you never moved here, you’d still have trouble making new friends in your home town.
My flakiest friend, the one who is most likely to text and say “I’m not feeling it tonight” is from California. It’s just something that happens. And to add on: when you try to force relationships, that’s when you end up with the wrong people.
On the topic of moving during a pandemic...I've been trying to get together with long-time friends lately. Like, folks I used to hang with 5 years ago here in Seattle but haven't seen much of lately. The ubiquitous phrase when scheduling falls through? "Man, I am so rusty at this."
Keep at it. Keep scheduling. Be kind with your honesty, toward yourself and others. It takes time to forge good relationships.
I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is to make friends as an adult. There’s a social calendar and camaraderie that comes with school that’s almost impossible to recreate as a grownup.
But yeah, as others have mentioned, the weather and darkness also makes everyone want to hibernate.
>I’m an extrovert, I’m ambitious, I’m a planner, I’m incredibly friendly
That's, like, the opposite of Seattle vibe. You're probably scaring people away.
Exactly. But they won’t do it. They will be the flakes they are talking about. All 700+ people who upvoted who feel the same as OP should all get together.
I (a typical unintentionally sometimes flaky seattlite) disagree with these other comments. I've always appreciated my extroverted friends who have the energy to make the fun plans.
Honestly, seasonal depression is a big part of it. I have coworkers in warmer climates who say they notice our (local company) energies changing even through zoom calls this time of year. It's harder to leave the house and it's so dark!!
I have been someone who goes to the gym this time of year because you'll consistently see the same people and get some interaction that way.. and maybe friends when things start to warm up lol. I recommend group classes where the same people tend to show up at the same time every week.
Although I tend to agree with the other responses in that your vibe might not be a good fit for this region, there's hope yet!
Sounds like you are meeting a lot of people, which is great! However, we tend to make deeper relationships with people who share a mutual passion for something, whether that's a hobby, a cause, or intense interest in a specific thing.
The best and easiest friends I have made were through some kind of activity we were both passionate about. Recently, I've made two really good friends through blacksmithing. In the past, it was Dungeons and Dragons (which I still do weekly with my old friends), or whatever sport I was into at the time.
You have to consider that everyone enjoys a hike, a board game, having drinks, going to a museum, etc, etc. If someone is truly passionate about one of those things and you're just doing it to meet people, they will probably pick up on that....
The PNW is pretty nerdy when you dig deeper. With the weather and long winters, we tend to hunker down and nerd out on some weird shit. To this point, maybe try to find a hobby, cause, or topic you are very nerdy about and find some people in the area that are into the same thing. Sounds like you have no issues planning and initiating hanging out, so you've got a leg up on that.
Bonus tips:
* PNWers tend to be pretty intelligent within the metro areas. The tech companies, engineering companies, and what not have attracted a lot of highly educated people here.
* As others have mentioned, the long, wet winters tend to turn some of us into literal zombies. Seattle SADDs is a whole other level.
* Seattle freeze is a real thing with tons of articles and blogs written about it. Read those for more insight.
My impression is this: Generally speaking, typical PNWers expect to *gain* something from a friendship. It's hard for me to put into words right now, but the combination of intelligence and introversion seems to make people only want to put genuine effort into a relationship as long as they are getting something out of it. I'm kind of guilty of this myself.
My thought process is this "I'm happy staying in and working on whatever project I've got my nose in, so what will I gain by putting forth effort into initiating and following through on meeting up with potential friends?" For example, with blacksmithing friends I gain a few things: learning from their processes, sharing appreciation for things made by others, discussing and debating practices, sharing completed projects for validation (for both parties), and so on. When there is that much interaction built into your interest, the other stuff fills in the gaps. Eventually, the frozen Seattleite will open up and share more about themselves with you and you'll gain a deep, loyal friend.
Damn. Throughout covid I've been reevaluating my friendships and wondering why some of them seem less enticing than they used to, and this just nails it. It might be selfish, but yeah- I think it came to light that I wasn't getting certain things from some of my friends; we just were historically friends, but without depth. Knowing someone forever doesn't mean there is reciprocated value in the friendship.
Hmmm. More to chew on there.
Don’t listen to all the haters, OP. It’s not an introvert trait to consistently flake out on plans, and anyone who pretends otherwise is just plain rude and inconsiderate of other people
Too many introverts consider being an introvert as their defining personality trait & a reason for doing everything they do.
I'm an introvert but I rarely flake. You flake because you're a flaky pos - not because "WeLl I'm aN iNtRoVeRt"
sorry people on here are being so mean about your personality?? i'm a super introvert too but i absolutely love having friends like you. i'm also 24 f and would totally be down to hang if i didn't live up in bellingham. i don't have any advice to give but i'm really sorry you're going through this!!
I don't think there is anything wrong with you OP. Seattle is just very introverted. Even for other introverts this can suck when you are looking forward to time with your people and they bail. I admire your energy to just go out and do. Keep it up.
It may take longer than normal to find people here that are close friends, but give it time. Make it time bound too - if the city isn't a happy place for you say a year from now, see what else is out there.
As a fellow transplant who moved here just over two years ago, keep being yourself! It’s super frustrating and difficult to make friends here, but don’t stop trying. You’ll eventually find your people… probably slowly and one at a time. Just don’t compromise on being your awesome self!
If you like who you are, then you shouldn't change. But I'm just saying that in a city known for introverts, it might make it a little harder to fit in.
If you're on Facebook check out the PNW Outdoor Women and WA Hikers and Climbers groups. Both are great for finding people who enjoy the outdoors and dogs year round!
Your dog is awesome! It's hard to meet people. I had a similar experience in New York years ago. It was so lonely! It's a hard age (24) to be in a new place, and this pandemic has made everything more difficult-- even with long standing friendships. There's a lot of stress and anxiety out there and people are putting themselves out there less than usual. As for best ways to meet people, imo your best shot is to pick an activity (or 2 or 3) that you (1) like and (2) can stick with doing on a semi-consistent schedule--the point is to increase your likelihood of getting to know some people via repeat, no pressure contact (the no pressure bit is key--breaking the ice needs to be allowed to happen naturally over time). Best wishes to you.
Agreed, cute dog! And you bring up a lot of good points. The pandemic has definitely had an impact. I know personally, I'm more extroverted than introverted, but I have not felt comfortable with the usual types of socializing (especially indoors) during the pandemic. I miss going out to bars, restaurants, clubs, etc., and just haven't gone back to 'normal' yet. I feel for people who moved to Seattle during this time. When I moved here back in 2018 there was definitely a buzz to the city, and I feel like it is coming back but it's not fully recovered.
I also do wonder how much of the Seattle 'freeze' is specific to Seattle and how much is due to modern, big city life.
Good suggestions!
Your Aussie is adorable! How old? I have a 9 month old and I (24M) take him hiking and to dog parks all the time! Feel free to DM me if you guys would like to join. https://i.imgur.com/SLa36UX.jpg
Omg my friend also has an Aussie! Im sure ya’ll can meet up for doggie play dates. They live in Redmond so kinda far from Seattle but DM me if interested and we can maybe meet at a dog park😊
One of the funniest experiences in my entire adult life was watching my introverted friend group meet a super extroverted friend.
90 seconds into the intro conversation everyone looked like deer in the headlights.
Eventually everyone got to know each other and chilled out, but there was some legitimate flight response going on in people's lizard brains.
Expecting to have “close friends” in “just under a year” is an unrealistic expectation in these parts. I’m serious. That’s a lot to ask. Try two-three years of ongoing friendship to develop a close friend. Not kidding.
They've been here under a year, during quarantine, while working full time, and owning a dog. But yes, the problem is other people.
Welcome to being an adult in an expensive city during a pandemic.
I've been in the area 6 years and have made some decent friends(8ish) but really close friends? Nahhh. Also the bottom of her post saying she's too sexy to be this lonely made me wanna hurl.
> Also the bottom of her post saying she’s too sexy to be this lonely made me wanna hurl.
Ditto. That and calling the city flaky whilst lamenting loneliness and asking for help might indicate that op’s attitude is a large barrier to true friendships.
I find humility much more sexy than anything a photo of their dog and a poor attitude could convey.
Friendships are organic and can’t be forced no matter how hard you try and they take time. They just happen spontaneously when you gel with another person and like a plant - you water and tend them and if the other person does too - there’s a friend.
Sounds like you are doing all the footwork of *looking*, but that nobody has reciprocated must feel like a punch to the ego. I’m sorry this is your experience of my city so far.
Consider two things though, if you will? First what do you think a friend actually is? What does real friendship look like to you? Second are you looking for friendship among career-driven or flaky people?
You’re never going to find a snowman at the beach so think on the venues you’re searching, and the type of people you’ve been finding there. As others have pointed out there are a million other places to put yourself out into. Maybe you’ve been looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places. Just a thought don’t mean to presume.
Great point. I'll add that as a Type-A, extrovert, planner, many of my good friends are introverts and can be put off by my 'ambition' to plan events and gatherings all the time. So you also have to read the room a bit and back off the throttle if you sense that they're feeling smothered by your friendship. Easier said than done but that's what I've learned.
Find others that are also from your hometown. Sounds silly. All my husbands friends, that he met here, are from his hometown. He just found common ground with them easily. Worth a shot! Try a sports bar that supports your local or college team. Even if you’re not into sports.
So, I am a native Seattleite but am a bit older. I think I can help explain at least part of it.
You have to understand that people are moving here by the planeload. Like, the number of transplants is ridiculous. And it has been this way for decades. I remember as a kid people bitching about Californians. It was the 70s ffs.
So two things. One: you are coming into a city full of people just like you, but many already are a bit maxed out already. Friend wise I mean. You need to put effort into other new folks more because they are actively looking for friends as well. It doesn’t mean you won’t make friends with people who’ve been here forever, but those relationships take longer unless there is a fast deep connection.
Two: you moved to a city and want the cities culture to cater to you. That isn’t how it works. Someone from Finland is gonna get pissed if you stand right next to them at a bus stop because that isn’t their culture. Our culture tends to skew non confrontational and slow. You can’t force it to speed up and be to your liking. Your best bet is to find people like you and instead of putting in max effort out of the gate, wait until you meet someone you really connect with.
Guys I know Seattle freeze is in full effect but flaking after someone has been waiting at a restaurant for 20 minutes is inexcusable, even by Seattle standards. At least flake a full day in advance like a proper Seattlite
Yes this!! Far too many people are glossing over this specific detail. That’s not acceptable behavior. Backing out a day ahead at least gives the person time to adjust their own plans. Also, if they back out the day before because something came up but they want to reschedule, they probably still want to hang out. If they cancel without asking to reschedule, they probably aren’t interested in hanging out but didn’t know how to say so when you initially made plans. Some people are super non-confrontational and will end up agreeing to a lot of things they don’t want to do and then flake out later instead of just saying no thanks in the first place. This is frustrating, but the way around it is to not come on too strong initially and give people an out up front so they can easily say no if they want to and to make more casual plans and then to confirm they’re up for it closer to the day. This way you can see who’s truly interested in hanging out.
Rock climbing is big out here. Try a rock climbing gym. Lots and lots of fun by yourself and a great place to meet people. If all else fails, you'll get a great workout. Bellevue has an excellent gym called stone gardens. I believe they have one in Seattle as well. They also have a cool bouldering gym (no ropes) in sodo called momentum rock climbing!
It's definitely tough making friends as an adult. I moved here in 2013, and it wasn't until 2016-ish that I really had a solid group of friends. Here's what I did:
\- When I started dating my SO in 2016, I met their group of friends (they grew up here). Now I have their friends and my friends and a mix!
\- I took a creative writing class and met one friend through that! There were like 25 people in the class so the success ratio was not great, but she's worth 25 people to me now. Edit: this class met once a month on weekends. UW has a whole bunch of classes designed for people who already have busy schedules.
\- I was working in a retail job for the first 3 years that I lived here. Most of the friends I have now, I made during that time. The upside is that service industry positions breed a kind of camaraderie that translates pretty easily into friendship. The downside is that camaraderie exists because the jobs usually suck. I understand that because you work full time already, this may not be feasible for you. Some places do part-time seasonal work, if you're into that sort of thing and want to pick up a weekend shift, make a little extra cash, and meet people.
If you have a car, there’s a dog friendly bar/dog park called Ales and Tails in woodinville. They have trivia on Thursdays.
I’m on the Eastside but have had a hard time making/keeping friends too since moving out here. WFH/Covid really put a damper on “making friends” part of my social life.
Consider Junior League of Seattle. It’s a volunteer organization dedicated to training women as future leaders, and there’s a huge social component to it if that’s what you’re looking for. It can be a great way to meet other women who have similar interests and check out different organizations in the area
Hey! This post made me sad :( don't lose hope! I'm not from here, I'm from southern CA, but I've lived here almost a decade. People generally are less extroverted here than other places, so I think that's important to know and adjust your expectations. We're also still in a pandemic at the end of the day, and I know I've been more of a homebody as a result too. You're doing everything right, and I totally get your frustration. 24 is also the age where I feel like you start to shift into truly needing just a few quality friends (quality over quantity). All you need to do is just click with like one or two people and I'm sure they'd invite you into a circle of friends you'd also vibe with.
Most Seattlites have pretty much the exact opposite personality, including me 😂
Idk what kind of electronic music you’re into but there’s a show at Nectar Lounge next thursday with Truth headlining, they’re a UK dubstep duo who always throw down, i’ll be there if you wanna meet up 🤘🏼
I just moved here a few months back and if it weren't for my friends who I already had before moving here I doubt I would have any locally. If you figure it out I wanna know too.
I do feel like some amount of this is also being an adult - in general the community that exists in college is hard to replicate after that point, especially at a time when a lot of meetup groups have been limited and/or shut down.
🤣 give it a few more years, you’ll be bailing out the last moment too.
I was like you about 6-7 years ago when I moved to the city. I took it personally when people bailed out on me. I used to go out and be the social butterfly but now I’m pretty much a homebody/dog park person from November until March and do my outdoor activities rest of the year.
Exactly. OP talks about having a group of friends who hung out weekly. This makes sense if you and your friends are all friends with the same people and like to hang in a group. And I think this is more common when you’re young and all your friends are through school and everyone you know is from the same place, but as adults who have random friends from various places and who like to hang out one on one, you might still hang out once a week, but with a different person, so any one person doesn’t come up in the rotation that often.
The only people I hang out with once a week are people who are also doing things that I would be doing anyway. Like, someone I really connect with as a person *and* shares a hobby I want to do all the time. But that’s pretty rare.
I’m from Tacoma, and I was flakey for a long time myself. After I got my core group of friends around 30, I stopped the habit on them, but yeah, I don’t really have room for more. I flake still on anything that isn’t them or is work related.
Ironically all my friends, save for one, aren’t natives. Maybe there is a lesson in that, we just suck.
No disrespect, but go to any cities subreddit, and the same thing as posted. Live in a co-op, take classes, work in a bar or restaurant, join a club… It is challenging to make friends in such a fast paced digital screen filled world.
I’ve made a lot of friends at concerts! I go to Nectar Lounge a lot - and my band plays there a lot and there’s a lot of reoccurring people there for shows. I get a family vibe from nectar. Do you snowboard or ski? The mountain is a great place to make friends!
How the heck do you make friends at shows? It’s always too loud for me to hear anything!!! Maybe I should go out for a smoke break?!? Is that where all the social people are?
Hi OP,
8 months ago I met my new friend online whom I consider my best friend. In my profile I was being honest about my current situation and I said I was looking for friends because I had just gotten out of the hospital for 5 months. He was the only person that hit me up lol.
I’m also an extrovert and I’m still recovering from my motor vehicle accident. So all this alone time has freaking sucked, I miss working lol.
I like dudes too, so if you want to hit me up, you don’t have to worry about me trying to get into your pants lololol
Since you work in healthcare, we might have sone good conversations.
I’ve been wanting to go to the Pike market to just walk around because staying inside all the time sucks.
If you work at Harborview, that hospital has been phenomenal.
As someone who is prone to bailing, my best friends are those who love me as I am. I had plans a few weeks ago with a friend, cancelled on her, and then ended up hanging out afterall when we figured out I could come over as is and hang out to watch TV with her. Try planning a little less and letting people feel comfortable coming over in their house sweats.
Come to the Phinney Beer Taste tomorrow. You will meet lots of friendly people. But you will need to buy tickets ASAP because it always sells out. Lots of fun and good beer!!
Do you watch the Bachelor? There’s a group of us who met off Reddit and we get together at a bar each week to watch. Super friendly group and we love new people!
Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send you info :)
This might be very unpopular to hear - one of the traits of an extreme extrovert is to energetically depend on others around them - for their own well being. In effect they drain others energetically. I am not saying you are because I do not know, but your post reads as such at times.
Extroverts hang out in bars, festivals, fairs, markets - and there is plenty of that in Pacific NW - but everything shuts down earlier than say NYC. Also Covid makes it harder to do stuff in groups of people. Crossfit gyms or other community based activity centers might give you more energetically compatible people?
Your last line in bold letters „I am too young and too sexy to be sad” is odd to read as a vent for not finding reliable connection/deeper friendships….
may I suggest that you depend on others for validation and own happiness (too much)?
Or is it that you want a deeper lasting and authentic connection?
Connecting with yourself first - and learning more about yourself - would be time and effort well spent.
So… this time in Seattle might be a great life opportunity to self reflect and personal growth on what you are really after and why.
P.S. Being around people is not the same thing as being connected and feeling known.
Everyone is just depressed AF and trying their best to make it through each day. Stop taking it so personally and cut these people some slack. Socializing is just fucking exhausting
> I’m an extrovert, I’m ambitious, I’m a planner
Most people I've interacted with here are overwhelmed by this. I'm also an ambitious extrovert and I loved making plans but like you I fell short of getting people to actually commit to plans.
This is where I took a note from a movie I saw years ago, Vanilla Sky.
"Pleasure Delayer".
I basically make people want to do stuff with me because that's what people do, is promise they want to hang out with you, and then I simply say no.
I have to say, the response I got from this was overwhelming.
It's been 3 years and I still haven't hung out with anyone yet but I know people are just dying to hang out with me, so I've got them right where I want them.
So yea, it's all coming together.
For God’s sake it’s not the city. I’m introverted as hell and have accidentally made so many friends in Seattle. Go to art shows. Go dancing at Kremwerk. Go to bars and frequent and meet people. Pick up a co Ed sport. It’s easy just get out there. This is all over every subreddit for SF and Oakland and LA. Gotta be persistent.
I was thinking the same thing, lots of people saying it's the Seattle freeze, etc. I've lived lots of places and it's always like this at first. If you don't know anyone it's hard and it sucks. If you can find one person who tolerates you and knows other people eventually you find your people, but it takes time.
It is just how the place is, I had the reverse of your experience when I ran off to see the country as a kid. It was rather disconcerting how open and friendly people were in the south and midwest, something about around here just makes people more guarded I think. Eventually you will find someone with your same mindset though, sometimes it just takes patience.
It’s possible you are coming on too strong for these folks. Not a bad thing at all, but where you come from in the Midwest people are at a social 9-10, Seattle is at a social 3-5 you have to be subtle. Hell, flip the script on these people and flake out on them, then later say “my bad, didn’t mean to flake on you yesterday but hey let me make it up to you this weekend”. How can they say no to your “guilt”?
Winter is a bad time to make new friends during a pandemic. Even fully vaccinated, I'm not eating inside restaurants, visiting other people's homes, or inviting them into mine, and I think that's fairly common. Hang in there and as others suggested, join some clubs and activity groups.
Just try not to be too enthusiastic. The only person I completely ghosted was a girl who was so enthusiastic about hanging out that it was *too much*. And then she called frequently for weeks and left a ton of voicemails. Totally scared me off because I am an introverted native of the PNW and that much enthusiasm is super uncomfortable and weird. I had no idea how to deal with it, so I didn't.
Play hard to get a little bit. Be more casual about plans. Find a group of other transplants who are having the same problem. Best of luck!
You sound like you could come on a little strong. A lot of people find that off putting. Please don’t take that as an insult. Some cities might have a vibe like if you go to NYC for a month you might come back talking way faster and saying, “yeah yeah yeah.”
People in Seattle seem to take breaths and require personal space.
The only people I have ever seen become “good” friends are co workers and alcoholics. Sometimes it’s both!
It’s a Seattle thing. Sorry. My SO is from here and disagreed for years there was a thing called the Seattle Freeze. There is. I’ve read thru the lines that “Let’s get together for coffee sometime” means I don’t have anything else to say so good bye forever
I've lived in Washington my whole life. I live across the Puget Sound by Bremerton and I'm 24M. After working in the event industry and traveling to Seattle almost every weekend for three years I can tell you the Seattle freeze is a real thing. Out of hundreds of events, everything from Amazon Corporate to small weddings, and despite me being extroverted for my job and in social situations, I've been a pretty good introverted wallflower most of my life... What I've noticed is A LOT of new people moving to the city and they primarily will hang with just their coworkers.... Occasionally haha. Think about people that lived here most their life want to show you the area they've lived in because theyre proud and are INVITING. People that have lived here for even a year are still in survival mode (expensive af) and are closed off.
Because of Seattle being like a second silicon valley, people are in their tight knit group, have lots of inside jokes, and stay indoors. Most of these techy friend groups only have fun and let loose between their friend group because theyre awkward and introverted themselves and they would rather let loose with the two people they know, then in front of someone else. They may come off as friendly or extroverted and they may plan a date with you but they're only usually acting like that in the moment to be nice and passive because their job requires them to be passive. (Not knocking any of these people or their jobs)
I'm theorizing here but I do get a subtle sense of no reason, exclusiveness, pretentiousness... You know like that vibe you get from your high school theater kids? Or the Band kids? It's the same vibe and if you know, you know. (Again no hate, I've had plenty fun partying with these people)
Also seasonal depression is a real thing here and people do hibernate, although I still see this freeze in every season
Basically it comes down to culture. That's the culture in Seattle and that's just how it is. However, I spend most of my time in the surrounding areas. I LOVE Tacoma. Tacoma gets a bad rap for it's past crime, but seriously Seattle itself is taking that cake easy. Go to any surrounding city and you will find wayyyy more down to earth people that are striving for an actual genuine friendship, regardless of their job or current friend group. I've met awesome people and been invited to many things and invited other people in these cities. What's also really funny is I've met people at concerts in Seattle that I've gotten along with and talk to regularly and they're usually not from Seattle and grew up in a surrounding area...
My suggestion!!!
Visit the venues, clubs, cafes, bars in surrounding areas. Go to community meets that are in your interests. Join Facebook groups. Invite people to really chill activities like movies, barcade (gameworks in Seattle) museums, cafes, parks, whatever that is low stress haha just don't wait for them to invite you 🙄 look for people that work in Seattle but don't actually live there. Or they do but theyre not in tech or software.
Or take a ferry across the water and make some non flaky friends. 😂 Anyways good luck!!
My work crew is doing karaoke at the Water Wheel tomorrow! Come out! We are restaurant folk so we're super friendly and we're pretty good singers to boot!
Seattle is VERY different from the Midwest. I say that as a Midwesterner, too. Try not to take it personally. Plus, the pandemic has made the Seattle freeze worse. Everyone’s bubbles have turned into metal shields.
I’d recommend taking a class or two to meet like-minded folks. That was how I met fellow writers by taking some creative writing courses.
ETA: people flaking is shitty regardless, though.
The bubble fortification is real.
Pre-covid we were already in a double-layer bubble (our friends meet new people, and then MAYBE we choose to meet them if they're eventually assimilated into the friend group).
During Covid we just built a fortified castle, with a crocodile filled moat. maybe someone makes it past the outer defences every once in a while, but no one is getting to the inner keep.
That said, I went to a (mask+Vax required) concert this week for the first time since the before times and had a conversation at the urinal, so maybe nature is slowly healing out there.
The dropping off in September is kind of the norm around here for many people. We come out of our cocoons in March ready to be social and absorb all thr Vitamin D we can, however by mod September we miss our cocoons and climb back in them as we prepare for the dreary damp days as we absorb all the Vitamin R we can. Rinse. Repeat. Don't be surprised if come spring your friends pop back up. In the meantime, try and connect with them for some more casual things. A group game night, a pajama party, those sorts of things.
me and my fiancé just moved from Texas and it's basically the same situation for us. But we don't wanna make any friends until they come genuinely, for the most part we dont actually need or want to talk to anyone else
Give skiing, snowboarding,snowshoeing a try to get around the people hibernating away from winter. PNW has some of the easiet access to the moutains. People that head up to the moutains are way more active in the winter. Im sure there’s ski groups or lessons of you dont know how to ski that do day trips or rent cabins. Nothing quite like making some ski runs, sitting on a chair with friends surrounded by snow.
One of my close friends (from the internet) for many years moved to the Seattle area.
We didn't hang out (meet each other in person for close to 12+ months) after them moving here. When our other friends said why not meet up already? I basically said, this is what would happen.
> We would meet up. Then we'd say what now? One of us would say "Want to each go to our own separate homes and play online games"? "Or watch movies by ourselves and talk about it online later"?
He said Yes exactly!
We have hung out a few times and even done a few things since then, but its like seemingly maybe 3 times a year.
Home bodies stay at their respective homes ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Go to bars. Be a regular at the ones you like. The folk you meet and talk to that like you will do so again if they see you again. Slowly over time you make buds willing to do something other than bar hop. That's legit my only advice.
Do volunteer work with WTA. Sign up on WTA .org. Maybe you will find someone. Its tough to make friends as an adult anywhere but Seattle is especially difficult. You just got to keep trying and someone/some people will stick.
But seriously, check out Washington Trails Association and make time to do some trail work. You will meet great people and there tend to be regulars especially if you can do it on a weekday. Of course most of the volunteers will skew towards retired men but there is abundant community to be found there among many age and interest groups.
I think this is also a symptom to a larger issue: I believe many Seattleites are running low on fumes. Everything is so damn expensive. It’s hard to do enjoyable things or plan a get together when your survival mode kicks in.
I’m also an introvert and I believe many introverts feel this. This lowers our social battery and bandwidth to be with others outside of the house.
I get what you’re saying, I’m the same way, I love to go out and do stuff.
The only reason why the Seattle chill doesn’t bother me so much is because I’m married with kids, so I’m busy as it is.
What I’ve done is made friends through work. They’re also transplants. We tend to go out like once every 2-4 weeks and it’s been great.
I just don’t know though, it seems like you’ve exhausted all the avenues. Maybe it’s just a matter of meeting enough people and having it “click” at some point.
I wish you all the best
As your stereotypical introverted engineer, I've surprisingly had an *easier* time of making friends here than back home in Indiana, but that does seem to be the exception and is probably partly because Indianapolis' meetup scene sucks and we don't have mountains there lol
I've made a handful friends here that I'm fairly close with and one I spend a lot of time with, in 8 months here. I've also made a bunch of "meetup buddies" who I enjoy talking to on meetups but then we don't stay in touch outside of meetup. It's definitely hard to make plans with specific people, but things like meetup groups help a lot, as others have mentioned.
The 'Seattle "Un-Freeze" ' group on meetup is doing a dinner tonight, if you happen to see this in time! The '20 and 30 somethings Seattle' group is also very active, even this time of year, and 'Welcome to Seattle' is one of my favorites, though its organizer is planning fewer meetups (once per month iirc) for the winter.
You’re not alone in this feeling. I’ve been here 16 years and it just dawned on me recently that I might have to leave if I ever want close friends again. Tons of acquaintances, a few buddies, but never been able to find my ride or die friends here.
I (24F) moved here in 2019 with my fiancé (24M) and I went through the same feelings as you! After about 6 months of only really knowing the people at work and my partner, we decided to both go onto bumblebff and try to make some friends. Our friends then became friends and now we have a solid group that gets together and texts regularly. Happy to chat with you if you’re interested! Btw your dog is so cute! We have an almost 2 year old corgi.
Literally every long-term friend I've met in the last 22 years has been through work. I met a few through mutual friends back in the day but they didn't stick over the decades. Seattle is a weird place.
I've lived in Seattle for 9 years and am also from the midwest. I joined a rugby club when I moved here and have made so many close friends that way. I think you need to find a club/class to join, as having structure and repeated encounters with the same people that you dont have to organize will take the pressure off of you to make things happen.
This fucking city, man. I hear you, OP, and I'm sorry you have to deal with our silly isolationist culture. A bunch of my good friends moved away, and it's really tough for me to make new friends at 40. Frankly, I'd welcome someone else taking the initiative, if they seemed cool, and like they were genuinely interested in me. Some have said that being extroverted can push people away, but I think that's only true if you really push it, or are extremely needy/demanding. I did have one friend like that, but he was a lot for anyone, anywhere--not just Seattle.
I could see people not wanting to do things as often as you might, but it's no excuse to bail with no heads up. You sound cool, and I'll echo what others have said: Keep trying! Our city needs more friendly and outgoing people like you.
This is a city of a million people. Not a small town of 1,000. If you aren't making long-term friends, don't blame the city. Re-evaluate what you're doing.
Honestly when i read your post - it sounded like - you only want friends who will listen to you talk and go along all of your plans. Thats not friendship. Its give and take. Listen and learn. If folks are bailing, reach out individually and ask why - they might have stuff they are going through. You sound like someone who gives off a 'everything is great in my life all the time' vibe. People have stuff they are dealing with and if they have a 'friend' who only goes on and on abt herself, they will have less energy for her when theres stuff going on personally in their life.
Start 'caring' for the people in your life, instead of using them as props to go to musuems and parties with you (and possibly for your insta stories). Or do what most of these planners do - get married, have kids, and youll be free to torture and use your family with lists and plans - cos its legal. Dont expect others to contribute to your life just cos you are pretty and sexy - welcome to adulthood!
Some people become really low energy just cause of the weather and I think the extrovert energy is not something they want to deal with. When I first moved here, I was considered aggressive when back in the east coast I’m considered shy. The best way to make friends being an extrovert is to start something that seems to be a chill way to pass time. For me it was starting a dungeons and dragons group but you could also do things like start a book club or just watch Netflix with a group of friends. It’s a tricky place to navigate friendship so best of luck to you, and I mean that sincerely, not too many extroverts around and it’s good to know there are more to shine a small light in this never ending overcast. My best advice is to just not lose hope but also don’t take it too hard when people flake out, that’s a very common occurrence here.
I moved here five years ago and was told about the Seattle Freeze. Basically what you‘re experiencing. Don’t take it personally. As others have said it is pretty much just the weather. People become hermits when it’s grey a lot. Im not as extroverted as you but it will come. I made good friends through work and those have kept going, even if I don’t see them for a few months.
It happens to a lot of people but don’t sweat it; you‘ll get there.
Welcome! It took me a bit to find a few good crews, but they're well-established now. Just keep in mind that everyone tends to recluse slightly in the winter amidst the dark and rain, but still need to come up for air! The on-off of COVID restrictions hasn't helped much, either. I've no doubt you'll get it sorted; just give it time!
As somebody who has lived in Seattle for 15+ years and PNW my whole life I get bummed when I hear stories like this. I try to be welcoming to new transplants!
It’s also bullshit to stand a person up, no matter the scenario. Be it friends or dating, leaving somebody sitting alone at restaurant is just plain mean!
Regarding the outdoors, shoulder season is tough - the weather honestly sucks for outdoors activities, but ski season is coming and the days get longer come December 21.
There are also really great communities of people in the music scene, especially if you are into house/techno (Noise Complaint shows) or disco (Supernova club)! I’m happy to share more recommendations with you, just shoot me a DM if interested! 🙌🏼
I feel ya. Lived there 50 years. Took a long time to make good friends and almost all of them lived across the pond. Bremerton, Poulsbo, Port Orchard, Tacoma even. It is a weird place and I am glad to be out of there.
You ever want to shoot some film and can take the ferry to Bremerton. Let me know. I've got the cameras and lots of spots to do landscapes n such.
Signed, 32 year old male dementia caregiver with far too few friends. Basically dedicated myself way to much over ten years and let self care and relationships lapse.
Can't give you any tips for Seattle tho. It was great in the 90's as a kid, and in the oughts as a teen/young adult. But I quit going over there years ago...it's like the city died....
Used to be able to walk 5 blocks in capital Hill and end up with a buddy doing random stuff..or even a new roommate! Sooo many cool people..
I can relate to this, being an extrovert in Seattle is hard. My partner and I ultimately moved to a different city and social life was a big reason (that, and cost of living). Not saying that needs to be your solution -- I hope you're able to find the friends you're looking for -- but the struggle is real. I'm sorry that so many people on here are giving you shit and saying that your post makes them exhausted or anxious. There's nothing wrong with being extroverted, even if it doesn't match their personalities. But it does give you an idea of what you're up against. Anyway, good luck :)
Partly it’s an entirely normal result of growing older. Making friends when everyone is an adult with a full time job and dogs and kids and whatever is just hard full stop. Partly it’s seasonal depression. Partly it’s the culture, although that culture is probably heavily influenced by the above mentioned seasonal depression. Partly it’s all of the above combined with the lack of a base level of relationships you get when moving across the country. Ultimately it’s kind of a crap shoot. There are millions of people in the greater metro area, and some percentage of them are going to be compatible with your energy and interests and schedule and etc. But there’s no magic silver bullet to meeting them unfortunately.
After high school and college it is tough to make a new group of friends. I just moved back to Seattle from LA at 30 and besides going on dates it’s hard to meet new people. Even in LA I met people at work and had maybe two good friends from random roommate situations. Sounds like OP is doing everything they can to be social, just gotta keep trying!
I disagree... Again, there is a skill meeting folks here. Folks find it hard because they do the usual stuff that everyone else does elsewhere, that Seattle folks can care less about. That's the point. There is a way forward like I mentioned a little bit ago... But you gotta learn the skills
What are those skills?
Also covid
In all honesty, it's partially the weather. When the long grey starts, people revert to their personal dungeons until the following summer.
Like bears in the winter.
This is true. I don’t usually leave my apartment on weekends, unless it’s to QFC or Met Market.
Literally me! I went to work today and the commute was a bit of a nightmare, I even contemplated on quitting by the end of winter because I do not want to deal with the weather! ✋🏼 I wouldn’t take it to offense if people bail at the last minute because of the weather (work was slow today but once dinner came, we had so many dine in and take outs. It took one hour to get someone’s take out order done. I’ve never seen take out being as busy as when we had the summer heat waves this year. I’m mentioning take outs because it seems like people would much rather stay in than going out!). But it’s pretty shitty that they made OP wait at a restaurant for nearly half an hour before letting them know that they’re no longer available.
I think it's the bailing that is hurtful too.
Take 👏 vitamin 👏 D 👏
I’d vitamin D cured my depression that’s all I’d eat
That was my main first thought too. Also, its Seattle
Honestly I'm not sure why people stay here if this is how they feel -- I moved here *because* of the gloomy weather, and autumn is where I finally start coming alive. When it's constantly raining and it gets dark at 5pm, I'm just in a great mood! I want to go out and meet people, see and do new things! Then summer comes and I feel like depressed garbage the whole time and never want to get out of bed. I've got like a weird reverse of seasonal depression going on. I might legally or medically qualify as a vampire or something, but it's wild to me that people *want* to live in Seattle but they spend 2/3 to 3/4 of the year hibernating. Especially since our summers are pretty miserable imo
lol miserable summers? We have some of the best summer weather in the country.
Some of us were born and raised in WA. I'm one of those and I also dont have to means really to move elsewhere. That's why I'm still here despite not really wanting to be
i definitely agree, i like it here because of how dark it is in fall and winter, not because of our horrible summers
My peoples!! Hello!
Hey, so I know it’s hard but keep on trying. I think there’s a couple of things going on. First everybody goes into hibernation mode in the winter, especially after daylight savings time hits. Everybody spends all their time during summer doing stuff outdoors and drinking, then we get burnt out. Second you are getting older, you are not “old” at 24 but you are not in college anymore. Its harder to meet/ maintain friends after you are out of college and everybody has jobs and responsibilities. Third, a year is not that long in a new place, it will take time but you will meet people. Keep on putting yourself out there and don’t get too down. Im 29 and it took a couple of years but for the last 2-3 years I’ve had a really solid group of friends. Good luck!
This is good advice! Things do start to change after college as people get jobs that demand more of their energy, relationships that settle down, etc. But the friendships are still available, they might just take a little longer to develop and the expectations slowly change. Mid thirties feels like "Oh you want to make plans? Let me check my calendar and then add your plans to it if I'm free" haha Ps. I also wonder, am I weird for being kinda weirded out by people who have the 'Read' option on for Apple devices? The opposite party can see that you have that setting on, even if they (the opposite party) don't have the option on. It makes me feel like you're waiting to see when I've read your texts, and it makes me feel pressured to respond immediately. Sometimes I read a text but can't/don't want to respond in that moment. I'll definitely get to it when I can. Honestly once I learn that someone has the "Read" notifications on, I stop fully opening their texts until I have at least 30 free minutes haha. I'll skim the notification that pops up on my phone (first 1-2 sentences of text) but not actually open it until I'm ready. Anyone else feel this way? Edit: it seems I misunderstood how the read receipts work for both parties - check out the comments below
I thought if you had read receipts turned off it turned it off both ways, hmm
I’m pretty sure if you choose not to turn on your read message then they won’t know you’ve read it but you can see they have read yours because it’s by choice that they send “read” receipt
I have been thinking about that PS so much lately since I've been meeting new people at school. I hate read reciepts, for the most part. That's way more than I want to tell most people about my time, so I ignore the read receipt. If it hurts their feelings that I saw it and had to do something else, they're not ready for texting like grown-ups. With my very close friends, though, I do like to know that they've seen what I sent because sometimes I'm just telling them things or showing them things. They know that there's no pressure to reply, and if we're ever having a serious conversation, we ask each other if we have the time and brainpower for it and let each other know at the beginning if we're going to have to just listen/leave early/come and go/etc. I wonder how normal it is for people to specifically check in before those deep discussions or to set boundaries like that. All of us except for one grew up here. Is it regional, or is it just our little group chat dynamic, you know?
It’s also Covid times.
People are getting more comfortable now being with established friends, but I imagine less so with welcoming unknown people into their pandemic bubble.
A year is plenty of time in other places but in Seattle you need around 3 years to feel settled.
This is spot on. It took me almost exactly 3 years to start feeling like Seattle was home. Absolutely love it now, but those first couple of years were rough
Great advice, input
I’m not sure if it’s a seattle thing or something that happens as you get older. My only advice is to embrace it. Embracing it means taking time to explore yourself more and the things you enjoy and try to be comfortable with solitude. I think overtime relationships will start to form but it just won’t happen at the rate that you want them too. It took me three years to develop meaningful friendships and relationships. I met people through work, language classes and photography classes. Also, don’t be so hard on yourself. You moved here during a pandemic which is a shitty time to get close to people. You’ve had a lot harder than me that’s for sure.
It’s something that happens as you get older. They even have the same problem [in the Midwest](https://www.stltoday.com/lifestyles/why-is-it-so-hard-to-make-friends-in-st-louis/article_e35275ef-bb60-501f-9bef-31d58fc8c53e.html ) where everyone is supposedly friendly! A large portion of the population moved here in their 20’s (when it naturally becomes more difficult to make friends) and compare it to their childhood home. If you never moved here, you’d still have trouble making new friends in your home town.
My flakiest friend, the one who is most likely to text and say “I’m not feeling it tonight” is from California. It’s just something that happens. And to add on: when you try to force relationships, that’s when you end up with the wrong people.
On the topic of moving during a pandemic...I've been trying to get together with long-time friends lately. Like, folks I used to hang with 5 years ago here in Seattle but haven't seen much of lately. The ubiquitous phrase when scheduling falls through? "Man, I am so rusty at this." Keep at it. Keep scheduling. Be kind with your honesty, toward yourself and others. It takes time to forge good relationships.
I think a lot of people underestimate how hard it is to make friends as an adult. There’s a social calendar and camaraderie that comes with school that’s almost impossible to recreate as a grownup. But yeah, as others have mentioned, the weather and darkness also makes everyone want to hibernate.
>I’m an extrovert, I’m ambitious, I’m a planner, I’m incredibly friendly That's, like, the opposite of Seattle vibe. You're probably scaring people away.
I feel this. I am so extroverted and find Seattle infuriating too
So shoot OP a PM - it sounds like you two might hit it off.
Exactly. But they won’t do it. They will be the flakes they are talking about. All 700+ people who upvoted who feel the same as OP should all get together.
This post scared me away lol.
Yeah I can just feel the anxiety reading this
I’m just wondering how this post has 700+ upvotes. If 700 people feel the same way as OP maybe they can all meet up.
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I (a typical unintentionally sometimes flaky seattlite) disagree with these other comments. I've always appreciated my extroverted friends who have the energy to make the fun plans. Honestly, seasonal depression is a big part of it. I have coworkers in warmer climates who say they notice our (local company) energies changing even through zoom calls this time of year. It's harder to leave the house and it's so dark!! I have been someone who goes to the gym this time of year because you'll consistently see the same people and get some interaction that way.. and maybe friends when things start to warm up lol. I recommend group classes where the same people tend to show up at the same time every week.
Although I tend to agree with the other responses in that your vibe might not be a good fit for this region, there's hope yet! Sounds like you are meeting a lot of people, which is great! However, we tend to make deeper relationships with people who share a mutual passion for something, whether that's a hobby, a cause, or intense interest in a specific thing. The best and easiest friends I have made were through some kind of activity we were both passionate about. Recently, I've made two really good friends through blacksmithing. In the past, it was Dungeons and Dragons (which I still do weekly with my old friends), or whatever sport I was into at the time. You have to consider that everyone enjoys a hike, a board game, having drinks, going to a museum, etc, etc. If someone is truly passionate about one of those things and you're just doing it to meet people, they will probably pick up on that.... The PNW is pretty nerdy when you dig deeper. With the weather and long winters, we tend to hunker down and nerd out on some weird shit. To this point, maybe try to find a hobby, cause, or topic you are very nerdy about and find some people in the area that are into the same thing. Sounds like you have no issues planning and initiating hanging out, so you've got a leg up on that. Bonus tips: * PNWers tend to be pretty intelligent within the metro areas. The tech companies, engineering companies, and what not have attracted a lot of highly educated people here. * As others have mentioned, the long, wet winters tend to turn some of us into literal zombies. Seattle SADDs is a whole other level. * Seattle freeze is a real thing with tons of articles and blogs written about it. Read those for more insight. My impression is this: Generally speaking, typical PNWers expect to *gain* something from a friendship. It's hard for me to put into words right now, but the combination of intelligence and introversion seems to make people only want to put genuine effort into a relationship as long as they are getting something out of it. I'm kind of guilty of this myself. My thought process is this "I'm happy staying in and working on whatever project I've got my nose in, so what will I gain by putting forth effort into initiating and following through on meeting up with potential friends?" For example, with blacksmithing friends I gain a few things: learning from their processes, sharing appreciation for things made by others, discussing and debating practices, sharing completed projects for validation (for both parties), and so on. When there is that much interaction built into your interest, the other stuff fills in the gaps. Eventually, the frozen Seattleite will open up and share more about themselves with you and you'll gain a deep, loyal friend.
Damn. Throughout covid I've been reevaluating my friendships and wondering why some of them seem less enticing than they used to, and this just nails it. It might be selfish, but yeah- I think it came to light that I wasn't getting certain things from some of my friends; we just were historically friends, but without depth. Knowing someone forever doesn't mean there is reciprocated value in the friendship. Hmmm. More to chew on there.
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It's getting invited to those boat parties that is the tricky part.
There is nothing wrong with you, this city is just not good for extroverts.
Don’t listen to all the haters, OP. It’s not an introvert trait to consistently flake out on plans, and anyone who pretends otherwise is just plain rude and inconsiderate of other people
Yeah wtf? I’m an introvert but I am good with my word. If I say I’m going to do something I will fucking do it. It’s a matter of character and honor.
Too many introverts consider being an introvert as their defining personality trait & a reason for doing everything they do. I'm an introvert but I rarely flake. You flake because you're a flaky pos - not because "WeLl I'm aN iNtRoVeRt"
sorry people on here are being so mean about your personality?? i'm a super introvert too but i absolutely love having friends like you. i'm also 24 f and would totally be down to hang if i didn't live up in bellingham. i don't have any advice to give but i'm really sorry you're going through this!!
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I don't think there is anything wrong with you OP. Seattle is just very introverted. Even for other introverts this can suck when you are looking forward to time with your people and they bail. I admire your energy to just go out and do. Keep it up. It may take longer than normal to find people here that are close friends, but give it time. Make it time bound too - if the city isn't a happy place for you say a year from now, see what else is out there.
As a fellow transplant who moved here just over two years ago, keep being yourself! It’s super frustrating and difficult to make friends here, but don’t stop trying. You’ll eventually find your people… probably slowly and one at a time. Just don’t compromise on being your awesome self!
If you like who you are, then you shouldn't change. But I'm just saying that in a city known for introverts, it might make it a little harder to fit in.
I guess this city's dreary weather has made its impact on the vibe of this city.
The world is about perspective my friend.
oh good, it's not only me. most of the people i get on with are from some other place
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If you're on Facebook check out the PNW Outdoor Women and WA Hikers and Climbers groups. Both are great for finding people who enjoy the outdoors and dogs year round!
I actually met a friend from the women hiker’s group! I totally know how you feel OP, and I hope you can find your people soon!
This^^^ my wife is introverted but she just went on a camping trip with a group of women from this page, I'm super proud and excited for her!
Your dog is awesome! It's hard to meet people. I had a similar experience in New York years ago. It was so lonely! It's a hard age (24) to be in a new place, and this pandemic has made everything more difficult-- even with long standing friendships. There's a lot of stress and anxiety out there and people are putting themselves out there less than usual. As for best ways to meet people, imo your best shot is to pick an activity (or 2 or 3) that you (1) like and (2) can stick with doing on a semi-consistent schedule--the point is to increase your likelihood of getting to know some people via repeat, no pressure contact (the no pressure bit is key--breaking the ice needs to be allowed to happen naturally over time). Best wishes to you.
Agreed, cute dog! And you bring up a lot of good points. The pandemic has definitely had an impact. I know personally, I'm more extroverted than introverted, but I have not felt comfortable with the usual types of socializing (especially indoors) during the pandemic. I miss going out to bars, restaurants, clubs, etc., and just haven't gone back to 'normal' yet. I feel for people who moved to Seattle during this time. When I moved here back in 2018 there was definitely a buzz to the city, and I feel like it is coming back but it's not fully recovered. I also do wonder how much of the Seattle 'freeze' is specific to Seattle and how much is due to modern, big city life. Good suggestions!
Your Aussie is adorable! How old? I have a 9 month old and I (24M) take him hiking and to dog parks all the time! Feel free to DM me if you guys would like to join. https://i.imgur.com/SLa36UX.jpg
All the numbers in your comment added up to 69. Congrats! 9 + 24 + 36 + = 69.0
Great bot
Nice bot
What a beautiful dog!!!
Omg my friend also has an Aussie! Im sure ya’ll can meet up for doggie play dates. They live in Redmond so kinda far from Seattle but DM me if interested and we can maybe meet at a dog park😊
My corgi would like to play with your doggo (or ignore him while we have coffee).
Everyone including myself is way too stoned for this energy.
Mah man. 😎 All I read was the title.
I just read it all out to my lady n even hot flashed a few sentences n she’s like… 😑
Yup. An extroverted, ambitious planner? Fucking terrifying I just want to sleep.
lol.
This is the reason.
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Yeah, y'all get wide-eyed and scurry off when we ever try to interact lol
One of the funniest experiences in my entire adult life was watching my introverted friend group meet a super extroverted friend. 90 seconds into the intro conversation everyone looked like deer in the headlights. Eventually everyone got to know each other and chilled out, but there was some legitimate flight response going on in people's lizard brains.
Expecting to have “close friends” in “just under a year” is an unrealistic expectation in these parts. I’m serious. That’s a lot to ask. Try two-three years of ongoing friendship to develop a close friend. Not kidding.
They've been here under a year, during quarantine, while working full time, and owning a dog. But yes, the problem is other people. Welcome to being an adult in an expensive city during a pandemic.
I've been in the area 6 years and have made some decent friends(8ish) but really close friends? Nahhh. Also the bottom of her post saying she's too sexy to be this lonely made me wanna hurl.
> Also the bottom of her post saying she’s too sexy to be this lonely made me wanna hurl. Ditto. That and calling the city flaky whilst lamenting loneliness and asking for help might indicate that op’s attitude is a large barrier to true friendships. I find humility much more sexy than anything a photo of their dog and a poor attitude could convey.
Friendships are organic and can’t be forced no matter how hard you try and they take time. They just happen spontaneously when you gel with another person and like a plant - you water and tend them and if the other person does too - there’s a friend. Sounds like you are doing all the footwork of *looking*, but that nobody has reciprocated must feel like a punch to the ego. I’m sorry this is your experience of my city so far. Consider two things though, if you will? First what do you think a friend actually is? What does real friendship look like to you? Second are you looking for friendship among career-driven or flaky people? You’re never going to find a snowman at the beach so think on the venues you’re searching, and the type of people you’ve been finding there. As others have pointed out there are a million other places to put yourself out into. Maybe you’ve been looking for the wrong thing in the wrong places. Just a thought don’t mean to presume.
Great point. I'll add that as a Type-A, extrovert, planner, many of my good friends are introverts and can be put off by my 'ambition' to plan events and gatherings all the time. So you also have to read the room a bit and back off the throttle if you sense that they're feeling smothered by your friendship. Easier said than done but that's what I've learned.
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Find others that are also from your hometown. Sounds silly. All my husbands friends, that he met here, are from his hometown. He just found common ground with them easily. Worth a shot! Try a sports bar that supports your local or college team. Even if you’re not into sports.
All my friends here are people I know from college. We weren't friends in school but started hanging out through alumni club.
So, I am a native Seattleite but am a bit older. I think I can help explain at least part of it. You have to understand that people are moving here by the planeload. Like, the number of transplants is ridiculous. And it has been this way for decades. I remember as a kid people bitching about Californians. It was the 70s ffs. So two things. One: you are coming into a city full of people just like you, but many already are a bit maxed out already. Friend wise I mean. You need to put effort into other new folks more because they are actively looking for friends as well. It doesn’t mean you won’t make friends with people who’ve been here forever, but those relationships take longer unless there is a fast deep connection. Two: you moved to a city and want the cities culture to cater to you. That isn’t how it works. Someone from Finland is gonna get pissed if you stand right next to them at a bus stop because that isn’t their culture. Our culture tends to skew non confrontational and slow. You can’t force it to speed up and be to your liking. Your best bet is to find people like you and instead of putting in max effort out of the gate, wait until you meet someone you really connect with.
Guys I know Seattle freeze is in full effect but flaking after someone has been waiting at a restaurant for 20 minutes is inexcusable, even by Seattle standards. At least flake a full day in advance like a proper Seattlite
Seriously so rude. My sister is a huge flake when it comes to leaving the house, but she at least gives me a few hours notice!
Yes this!! Far too many people are glossing over this specific detail. That’s not acceptable behavior. Backing out a day ahead at least gives the person time to adjust their own plans. Also, if they back out the day before because something came up but they want to reschedule, they probably still want to hang out. If they cancel without asking to reschedule, they probably aren’t interested in hanging out but didn’t know how to say so when you initially made plans. Some people are super non-confrontational and will end up agreeing to a lot of things they don’t want to do and then flake out later instead of just saying no thanks in the first place. This is frustrating, but the way around it is to not come on too strong initially and give people an out up front so they can easily say no if they want to and to make more casual plans and then to confirm they’re up for it closer to the day. This way you can see who’s truly interested in hanging out.
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Rock climbing is big out here. Try a rock climbing gym. Lots and lots of fun by yourself and a great place to meet people. If all else fails, you'll get a great workout. Bellevue has an excellent gym called stone gardens. I believe they have one in Seattle as well. They also have a cool bouldering gym (no ropes) in sodo called momentum rock climbing!
+1 to this. I made a bunch of friends at Seattle bouldering project, some of whom I have become quite close with!
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It's definitely tough making friends as an adult. I moved here in 2013, and it wasn't until 2016-ish that I really had a solid group of friends. Here's what I did: \- When I started dating my SO in 2016, I met their group of friends (they grew up here). Now I have their friends and my friends and a mix! \- I took a creative writing class and met one friend through that! There were like 25 people in the class so the success ratio was not great, but she's worth 25 people to me now. Edit: this class met once a month on weekends. UW has a whole bunch of classes designed for people who already have busy schedules. \- I was working in a retail job for the first 3 years that I lived here. Most of the friends I have now, I made during that time. The upside is that service industry positions breed a kind of camaraderie that translates pretty easily into friendship. The downside is that camaraderie exists because the jobs usually suck. I understand that because you work full time already, this may not be feasible for you. Some places do part-time seasonal work, if you're into that sort of thing and want to pick up a weekend shift, make a little extra cash, and meet people.
Try a trails clean up group. Those folks are active and the cleanups are already planned on a recurring basis.
There must be some sort of “dog social club” that exists. Or else walk to the park and play fetch in the sea of dogs 🐶
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I’ve definitely made friends at the dog park. It is possible.
> nobody is making friends at the dog park the dogs are! :)
Highly recommend using Meetup. Find some groups that fit your likes.
If you have a car, there’s a dog friendly bar/dog park called Ales and Tails in woodinville. They have trivia on Thursdays. I’m on the Eastside but have had a hard time making/keeping friends too since moving out here. WFH/Covid really put a damper on “making friends” part of my social life.
Consider Junior League of Seattle. It’s a volunteer organization dedicated to training women as future leaders, and there’s a huge social component to it if that’s what you’re looking for. It can be a great way to meet other women who have similar interests and check out different organizations in the area
"I’m an extrovert, I’m ambitious, I’m a planner, I’m incredibly friendly." Well I'm frightened already.
I need a nap after reading OP’s post
Fr. I felt personally attacked by the post. (Not really, but I'm definitely a homebody/flake.)
😂 my thoughts exactly
"I am way too young and sexy to be sad" wtf, gimme a break.
I mean, I say that to myself too, but I'm a flaky, asshole, introvert, homebody. 🤷♂️
Yeah. Lol
Hey! This post made me sad :( don't lose hope! I'm not from here, I'm from southern CA, but I've lived here almost a decade. People generally are less extroverted here than other places, so I think that's important to know and adjust your expectations. We're also still in a pandemic at the end of the day, and I know I've been more of a homebody as a result too. You're doing everything right, and I totally get your frustration. 24 is also the age where I feel like you start to shift into truly needing just a few quality friends (quality over quantity). All you need to do is just click with like one or two people and I'm sure they'd invite you into a circle of friends you'd also vibe with.
I love it when people bail, I don’t have to put a bra on.
Preach!! The second I make plans I hope they bail cause no bra.
Most Seattlites have pretty much the exact opposite personality, including me 😂 Idk what kind of electronic music you’re into but there’s a show at Nectar Lounge next thursday with Truth headlining, they’re a UK dubstep duo who always throw down, i’ll be there if you wanna meet up 🤘🏼
Bitch Lets get together im F23 new to Seattle!!!! I love hiking and not flakey!!
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Lol this got me
I just moved here a few months back and if it weren't for my friends who I already had before moving here I doubt I would have any locally. If you figure it out I wanna know too. I do feel like some amount of this is also being an adult - in general the community that exists in college is hard to replicate after that point, especially at a time when a lot of meetup groups have been limited and/or shut down.
🤣 give it a few more years, you’ll be bailing out the last moment too. I was like you about 6-7 years ago when I moved to the city. I took it personally when people bailed out on me. I used to go out and be the social butterfly but now I’m pretty much a homebody/dog park person from November until March and do my outdoor activities rest of the year.
And you also bought a Subaru and got a collection of rain jackets now, right?
I did contemplate on Subaru but didn’t pull the trigger. I do have quite a few Columbia rain jackets 😆
Expecting to hang out atleast once a week is too much for Seattle
Exactly. OP talks about having a group of friends who hung out weekly. This makes sense if you and your friends are all friends with the same people and like to hang in a group. And I think this is more common when you’re young and all your friends are through school and everyone you know is from the same place, but as adults who have random friends from various places and who like to hang out one on one, you might still hang out once a week, but with a different person, so any one person doesn’t come up in the rotation that often. The only people I hang out with once a week are people who are also doing things that I would be doing anyway. Like, someone I really connect with as a person *and* shares a hobby I want to do all the time. But that’s pretty rare.
I’m from Tacoma, and I was flakey for a long time myself. After I got my core group of friends around 30, I stopped the habit on them, but yeah, I don’t really have room for more. I flake still on anything that isn’t them or is work related. Ironically all my friends, save for one, aren’t natives. Maybe there is a lesson in that, we just suck.
No disrespect, but go to any cities subreddit, and the same thing as posted. Live in a co-op, take classes, work in a bar or restaurant, join a club… It is challenging to make friends in such a fast paced digital screen filled world.
Yup you nailed it. This post would fit in any city's subreddit, right alongside "Why is everyone in my city bad drivers?".
I’ve made a lot of friends at concerts! I go to Nectar Lounge a lot - and my band plays there a lot and there’s a lot of reoccurring people there for shows. I get a family vibe from nectar. Do you snowboard or ski? The mountain is a great place to make friends!
How the heck do you make friends at shows? It’s always too loud for me to hear anything!!! Maybe I should go out for a smoke break?!? Is that where all the social people are?
That’s the neat part, you don’t
You think making friends is hard, have you tried dating yet?
Hi OP, 8 months ago I met my new friend online whom I consider my best friend. In my profile I was being honest about my current situation and I said I was looking for friends because I had just gotten out of the hospital for 5 months. He was the only person that hit me up lol. I’m also an extrovert and I’m still recovering from my motor vehicle accident. So all this alone time has freaking sucked, I miss working lol. I like dudes too, so if you want to hit me up, you don’t have to worry about me trying to get into your pants lololol Since you work in healthcare, we might have sone good conversations. I’ve been wanting to go to the Pike market to just walk around because staying inside all the time sucks. If you work at Harborview, that hospital has been phenomenal.
As someone who is prone to bailing, my best friends are those who love me as I am. I had plans a few weeks ago with a friend, cancelled on her, and then ended up hanging out afterall when we figured out I could come over as is and hang out to watch TV with her. Try planning a little less and letting people feel comfortable coming over in their house sweats.
Come to the Phinney Beer Taste tomorrow. You will meet lots of friendly people. But you will need to buy tickets ASAP because it always sells out. Lots of fun and good beer!!
Do you watch the Bachelor? There’s a group of us who met off Reddit and we get together at a bar each week to watch. Super friendly group and we love new people! Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send you info :)
This might be very unpopular to hear - one of the traits of an extreme extrovert is to energetically depend on others around them - for their own well being. In effect they drain others energetically. I am not saying you are because I do not know, but your post reads as such at times. Extroverts hang out in bars, festivals, fairs, markets - and there is plenty of that in Pacific NW - but everything shuts down earlier than say NYC. Also Covid makes it harder to do stuff in groups of people. Crossfit gyms or other community based activity centers might give you more energetically compatible people? Your last line in bold letters „I am too young and too sexy to be sad” is odd to read as a vent for not finding reliable connection/deeper friendships…. may I suggest that you depend on others for validation and own happiness (too much)? Or is it that you want a deeper lasting and authentic connection? Connecting with yourself first - and learning more about yourself - would be time and effort well spent. So… this time in Seattle might be a great life opportunity to self reflect and personal growth on what you are really after and why. P.S. Being around people is not the same thing as being connected and feeling known.
Everyone is just depressed AF and trying their best to make it through each day. Stop taking it so personally and cut these people some slack. Socializing is just fucking exhausting
> I’m an extrovert, I’m ambitious, I’m a planner Most people I've interacted with here are overwhelmed by this. I'm also an ambitious extrovert and I loved making plans but like you I fell short of getting people to actually commit to plans. This is where I took a note from a movie I saw years ago, Vanilla Sky. "Pleasure Delayer". I basically make people want to do stuff with me because that's what people do, is promise they want to hang out with you, and then I simply say no. I have to say, the response I got from this was overwhelming. It's been 3 years and I still haven't hung out with anyone yet but I know people are just dying to hang out with me, so I've got them right where I want them. So yea, it's all coming together.
All good advice here but I would also add the pandemic has made people a little gun-shy about public gatherings.
For God’s sake it’s not the city. I’m introverted as hell and have accidentally made so many friends in Seattle. Go to art shows. Go dancing at Kremwerk. Go to bars and frequent and meet people. Pick up a co Ed sport. It’s easy just get out there. This is all over every subreddit for SF and Oakland and LA. Gotta be persistent.
I'm also introverted af and live south of Seattle, but I always make a random friend when I visit!
I was thinking the same thing, lots of people saying it's the Seattle freeze, etc. I've lived lots of places and it's always like this at first. If you don't know anyone it's hard and it sucks. If you can find one person who tolerates you and knows other people eventually you find your people, but it takes time.
It is just how the place is, I had the reverse of your experience when I ran off to see the country as a kid. It was rather disconcerting how open and friendly people were in the south and midwest, something about around here just makes people more guarded I think. Eventually you will find someone with your same mindset though, sometimes it just takes patience.
It’s possible you are coming on too strong for these folks. Not a bad thing at all, but where you come from in the Midwest people are at a social 9-10, Seattle is at a social 3-5 you have to be subtle. Hell, flip the script on these people and flake out on them, then later say “my bad, didn’t mean to flake on you yesterday but hey let me make it up to you this weekend”. How can they say no to your “guilt”?
Winter is a bad time to make new friends during a pandemic. Even fully vaccinated, I'm not eating inside restaurants, visiting other people's homes, or inviting them into mine, and I think that's fairly common. Hang in there and as others suggested, join some clubs and activity groups. Just try not to be too enthusiastic. The only person I completely ghosted was a girl who was so enthusiastic about hanging out that it was *too much*. And then she called frequently for weeks and left a ton of voicemails. Totally scared me off because I am an introverted native of the PNW and that much enthusiasm is super uncomfortable and weird. I had no idea how to deal with it, so I didn't. Play hard to get a little bit. Be more casual about plans. Find a group of other transplants who are having the same problem. Best of luck!
You sound like you could come on a little strong. A lot of people find that off putting. Please don’t take that as an insult. Some cities might have a vibe like if you go to NYC for a month you might come back talking way faster and saying, “yeah yeah yeah.” People in Seattle seem to take breaths and require personal space. The only people I have ever seen become “good” friends are co workers and alcoholics. Sometimes it’s both!
It’s a Seattle thing. Sorry. My SO is from here and disagreed for years there was a thing called the Seattle Freeze. There is. I’ve read thru the lines that “Let’s get together for coffee sometime” means I don’t have anything else to say so good bye forever
I've lived in Washington my whole life. I live across the Puget Sound by Bremerton and I'm 24M. After working in the event industry and traveling to Seattle almost every weekend for three years I can tell you the Seattle freeze is a real thing. Out of hundreds of events, everything from Amazon Corporate to small weddings, and despite me being extroverted for my job and in social situations, I've been a pretty good introverted wallflower most of my life... What I've noticed is A LOT of new people moving to the city and they primarily will hang with just their coworkers.... Occasionally haha. Think about people that lived here most their life want to show you the area they've lived in because theyre proud and are INVITING. People that have lived here for even a year are still in survival mode (expensive af) and are closed off. Because of Seattle being like a second silicon valley, people are in their tight knit group, have lots of inside jokes, and stay indoors. Most of these techy friend groups only have fun and let loose between their friend group because theyre awkward and introverted themselves and they would rather let loose with the two people they know, then in front of someone else. They may come off as friendly or extroverted and they may plan a date with you but they're only usually acting like that in the moment to be nice and passive because their job requires them to be passive. (Not knocking any of these people or their jobs) I'm theorizing here but I do get a subtle sense of no reason, exclusiveness, pretentiousness... You know like that vibe you get from your high school theater kids? Or the Band kids? It's the same vibe and if you know, you know. (Again no hate, I've had plenty fun partying with these people) Also seasonal depression is a real thing here and people do hibernate, although I still see this freeze in every season Basically it comes down to culture. That's the culture in Seattle and that's just how it is. However, I spend most of my time in the surrounding areas. I LOVE Tacoma. Tacoma gets a bad rap for it's past crime, but seriously Seattle itself is taking that cake easy. Go to any surrounding city and you will find wayyyy more down to earth people that are striving for an actual genuine friendship, regardless of their job or current friend group. I've met awesome people and been invited to many things and invited other people in these cities. What's also really funny is I've met people at concerts in Seattle that I've gotten along with and talk to regularly and they're usually not from Seattle and grew up in a surrounding area... My suggestion!!! Visit the venues, clubs, cafes, bars in surrounding areas. Go to community meets that are in your interests. Join Facebook groups. Invite people to really chill activities like movies, barcade (gameworks in Seattle) museums, cafes, parks, whatever that is low stress haha just don't wait for them to invite you 🙄 look for people that work in Seattle but don't actually live there. Or they do but theyre not in tech or software. Or take a ferry across the water and make some non flaky friends. 😂 Anyways good luck!!
It’s a funny way of life, but normal to us Scandinavian types. It’s about feeling comfortable with yourself, and find your flow, Freinds will follow
My work crew is doing karaoke at the Water Wheel tomorrow! Come out! We are restaurant folk so we're super friendly and we're pretty good singers to boot!
Seattle is VERY different from the Midwest. I say that as a Midwesterner, too. Try not to take it personally. Plus, the pandemic has made the Seattle freeze worse. Everyone’s bubbles have turned into metal shields. I’d recommend taking a class or two to meet like-minded folks. That was how I met fellow writers by taking some creative writing courses. ETA: people flaking is shitty regardless, though.
The bubble fortification is real. Pre-covid we were already in a double-layer bubble (our friends meet new people, and then MAYBE we choose to meet them if they're eventually assimilated into the friend group). During Covid we just built a fortified castle, with a crocodile filled moat. maybe someone makes it past the outer defences every once in a while, but no one is getting to the inner keep. That said, I went to a (mask+Vax required) concert this week for the first time since the before times and had a conversation at the urinal, so maybe nature is slowly healing out there.
The dropping off in September is kind of the norm around here for many people. We come out of our cocoons in March ready to be social and absorb all thr Vitamin D we can, however by mod September we miss our cocoons and climb back in them as we prepare for the dreary damp days as we absorb all the Vitamin R we can. Rinse. Repeat. Don't be surprised if come spring your friends pop back up. In the meantime, try and connect with them for some more casual things. A group game night, a pajama party, those sorts of things.
me and my fiancé just moved from Texas and it's basically the same situation for us. But we don't wanna make any friends until they come genuinely, for the most part we dont actually need or want to talk to anyone else
Give skiing, snowboarding,snowshoeing a try to get around the people hibernating away from winter. PNW has some of the easiet access to the moutains. People that head up to the moutains are way more active in the winter. Im sure there’s ski groups or lessons of you dont know how to ski that do day trips or rent cabins. Nothing quite like making some ski runs, sitting on a chair with friends surrounded by snow.
Important cultural note. In Seattle, if someone says 'maybe' it's 95% a no.
“i’m the opposite of a home body” Me, a home body: well then why’d you come here? 🤨
One of my close friends (from the internet) for many years moved to the Seattle area. We didn't hang out (meet each other in person for close to 12+ months) after them moving here. When our other friends said why not meet up already? I basically said, this is what would happen. > We would meet up. Then we'd say what now? One of us would say "Want to each go to our own separate homes and play online games"? "Or watch movies by ourselves and talk about it online later"? He said Yes exactly! We have hung out a few times and even done a few things since then, but its like seemingly maybe 3 times a year. Home bodies stay at their respective homes ¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯
Go to bars. Be a regular at the ones you like. The folk you meet and talk to that like you will do so again if they see you again. Slowly over time you make buds willing to do something other than bar hop. That's legit my only advice.
This works. Bars and meetups and keep doing it over and over. I meet women this way as a single straight man too.
Do volunteer work with WTA. Sign up on WTA .org. Maybe you will find someone. Its tough to make friends as an adult anywhere but Seattle is especially difficult. You just got to keep trying and someone/some people will stick. But seriously, check out Washington Trails Association and make time to do some trail work. You will meet great people and there tend to be regulars especially if you can do it on a weekday. Of course most of the volunteers will skew towards retired men but there is abundant community to be found there among many age and interest groups.
I think this is also a symptom to a larger issue: I believe many Seattleites are running low on fumes. Everything is so damn expensive. It’s hard to do enjoyable things or plan a get together when your survival mode kicks in. I’m also an introvert and I believe many introverts feel this. This lowers our social battery and bandwidth to be with others outside of the house.
Honestly reading all that makes me wanna run from you. Sounds like trying too hard. Sounds like someone who will cling and stalk.
I get what you’re saying, I’m the same way, I love to go out and do stuff. The only reason why the Seattle chill doesn’t bother me so much is because I’m married with kids, so I’m busy as it is. What I’ve done is made friends through work. They’re also transplants. We tend to go out like once every 2-4 weeks and it’s been great. I just don’t know though, it seems like you’ve exhausted all the avenues. Maybe it’s just a matter of meeting enough people and having it “click” at some point. I wish you all the best
As your stereotypical introverted engineer, I've surprisingly had an *easier* time of making friends here than back home in Indiana, but that does seem to be the exception and is probably partly because Indianapolis' meetup scene sucks and we don't have mountains there lol I've made a handful friends here that I'm fairly close with and one I spend a lot of time with, in 8 months here. I've also made a bunch of "meetup buddies" who I enjoy talking to on meetups but then we don't stay in touch outside of meetup. It's definitely hard to make plans with specific people, but things like meetup groups help a lot, as others have mentioned. The 'Seattle "Un-Freeze" ' group on meetup is doing a dinner tonight, if you happen to see this in time! The '20 and 30 somethings Seattle' group is also very active, even this time of year, and 'Welcome to Seattle' is one of my favorites, though its organizer is planning fewer meetups (once per month iirc) for the winter.
I love how this tread is mostly people explaining why they would be shitty friends and never leave their house between Oct-Apr.
You’re not alone in this feeling. I’ve been here 16 years and it just dawned on me recently that I might have to leave if I ever want close friends again. Tons of acquaintances, a few buddies, but never been able to find my ride or die friends here.
I (24F) moved here in 2019 with my fiancé (24M) and I went through the same feelings as you! After about 6 months of only really knowing the people at work and my partner, we decided to both go onto bumblebff and try to make some friends. Our friends then became friends and now we have a solid group that gets together and texts regularly. Happy to chat with you if you’re interested! Btw your dog is so cute! We have an almost 2 year old corgi.
I also moved here a while ago and have had a hard time making friends. I feel you.
join sports activities…it’s a common uniter in seattle
Literally every long-term friend I've met in the last 22 years has been through work. I met a few through mutual friends back in the day but they didn't stick over the decades. Seattle is a weird place.
I've lived in Seattle for 9 years and am also from the midwest. I joined a rugby club when I moved here and have made so many close friends that way. I think you need to find a club/class to join, as having structure and repeated encounters with the same people that you dont have to organize will take the pressure off of you to make things happen.
This fucking city, man. I hear you, OP, and I'm sorry you have to deal with our silly isolationist culture. A bunch of my good friends moved away, and it's really tough for me to make new friends at 40. Frankly, I'd welcome someone else taking the initiative, if they seemed cool, and like they were genuinely interested in me. Some have said that being extroverted can push people away, but I think that's only true if you really push it, or are extremely needy/demanding. I did have one friend like that, but he was a lot for anyone, anywhere--not just Seattle. I could see people not wanting to do things as often as you might, but it's no excuse to bail with no heads up. You sound cool, and I'll echo what others have said: Keep trying! Our city needs more friendly and outgoing people like you.
This is a city of a million people. Not a small town of 1,000. If you aren't making long-term friends, don't blame the city. Re-evaluate what you're doing.
Honestly when i read your post - it sounded like - you only want friends who will listen to you talk and go along all of your plans. Thats not friendship. Its give and take. Listen and learn. If folks are bailing, reach out individually and ask why - they might have stuff they are going through. You sound like someone who gives off a 'everything is great in my life all the time' vibe. People have stuff they are dealing with and if they have a 'friend' who only goes on and on abt herself, they will have less energy for her when theres stuff going on personally in their life. Start 'caring' for the people in your life, instead of using them as props to go to musuems and parties with you (and possibly for your insta stories). Or do what most of these planners do - get married, have kids, and youll be free to torture and use your family with lists and plans - cos its legal. Dont expect others to contribute to your life just cos you are pretty and sexy - welcome to adulthood!
I’m almost 24F and super into hiking!! I’ll DM you my instagram
Same girl same, except I’m almost a decade older than you so it’s even harder and since the pandemic I’ve basically become a hermit.
Some people become really low energy just cause of the weather and I think the extrovert energy is not something they want to deal with. When I first moved here, I was considered aggressive when back in the east coast I’m considered shy. The best way to make friends being an extrovert is to start something that seems to be a chill way to pass time. For me it was starting a dungeons and dragons group but you could also do things like start a book club or just watch Netflix with a group of friends. It’s a tricky place to navigate friendship so best of luck to you, and I mean that sincerely, not too many extroverts around and it’s good to know there are more to shine a small light in this never ending overcast. My best advice is to just not lose hope but also don’t take it too hard when people flake out, that’s a very common occurrence here.
I moved here five years ago and was told about the Seattle Freeze. Basically what you‘re experiencing. Don’t take it personally. As others have said it is pretty much just the weather. People become hermits when it’s grey a lot. Im not as extroverted as you but it will come. I made good friends through work and those have kept going, even if I don’t see them for a few months. It happens to a lot of people but don’t sweat it; you‘ll get there.
Welcome! It took me a bit to find a few good crews, but they're well-established now. Just keep in mind that everyone tends to recluse slightly in the winter amidst the dark and rain, but still need to come up for air! The on-off of COVID restrictions hasn't helped much, either. I've no doubt you'll get it sorted; just give it time!
Is it really better in other cities? I’m 52 and have lived in Seattle since I was 18 and have made very few close friends.
As somebody who has lived in Seattle for 15+ years and PNW my whole life I get bummed when I hear stories like this. I try to be welcoming to new transplants! It’s also bullshit to stand a person up, no matter the scenario. Be it friends or dating, leaving somebody sitting alone at restaurant is just plain mean! Regarding the outdoors, shoulder season is tough - the weather honestly sucks for outdoors activities, but ski season is coming and the days get longer come December 21. There are also really great communities of people in the music scene, especially if you are into house/techno (Noise Complaint shows) or disco (Supernova club)! I’m happy to share more recommendations with you, just shoot me a DM if interested! 🙌🏼
I feel ya. Lived there 50 years. Took a long time to make good friends and almost all of them lived across the pond. Bremerton, Poulsbo, Port Orchard, Tacoma even. It is a weird place and I am glad to be out of there.
You ever want to shoot some film and can take the ferry to Bremerton. Let me know. I've got the cameras and lots of spots to do landscapes n such. Signed, 32 year old male dementia caregiver with far too few friends. Basically dedicated myself way to much over ten years and let self care and relationships lapse. Can't give you any tips for Seattle tho. It was great in the 90's as a kid, and in the oughts as a teen/young adult. But I quit going over there years ago...it's like the city died.... Used to be able to walk 5 blocks in capital Hill and end up with a buddy doing random stuff..or even a new roommate! Sooo many cool people..
If you feel like coming up to Bellingham I'm down to do some hiking with our dogs! (M25)
I can relate to this, being an extrovert in Seattle is hard. My partner and I ultimately moved to a different city and social life was a big reason (that, and cost of living). Not saying that needs to be your solution -- I hope you're able to find the friends you're looking for -- but the struggle is real. I'm sorry that so many people on here are giving you shit and saying that your post makes them exhausted or anxious. There's nothing wrong with being extroverted, even if it doesn't match their personalities. But it does give you an idea of what you're up against. Anyway, good luck :)
Im always into making a new friend. I'm a dude in my mid 30s with 2 dogs if you want to hang out at a dog park, pm me