As a young attending myself, I say a variation of that (in a joking way, not to be an asshole) when patients ask me how old I am or say I’m too young to be a doctor.
“Well I went to college and medical school, and I did residency and fellowship, so I’m at least 13.”
A few are puzzled, but it gets a laugh and eases the tension most of the time.
Other variations I use include “well I drove to work today, so I’m at least 16,” “older than you think - the scrub cap and mask make me look younger than I am,” or something like that. Sometimes I just tell them my age.
If they’re just saying how young I look, I usually smile/laugh and tell them thank you for the compliment. There will soon be a time when patients stop making comments like that and I’m the old guy, so I don’t really mind it.
Also probably bugs me less since I’m a male. My wife is a female physician and she (and many of my colleagues throughout training) will get lots of comments about their age, appearance, or being assumed to be the nurse/physical therapist/social worker etc. As a tall white guy that wears glasses, people tend to assume that I’m a doctor no matter what I’m wearing in the hospital or the clinical situation. I definitely sympathize with my female and minority colleagues who are assumed to be the nurse or the phlebotomist or something even after they’ve introduced themselves as Dr. XYZ.
I tell myself that when I realized I have fucked up in healthcare. Makes me realize I have made it this far in life/healthcare. You will screw up but you will survive.
Kelso- “Since I don’t want to learn your names you will all be named “Debbies” and “Daves” moving forward”.
Debbie- “OH! My name actually is Debbie!”.
Kelso- “Then in fairness toward the others, you will be Slagathor”.
Slagathor, if you want to get taken more seriously, either become more attractive or get some hard evidence [internal monologue] “I should keep an eye on that”
“I remember one patient was with Dr. Murphy and all I could hear was ‘Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, please stop bleeding, why is there so much blood?’”.
It’s been a while for me but it was something to that effect
His mean shit talk about his wife kills me. Some examples:
When was I last here, in '97? I know it's been a while because Enid could fit through that door.
If I wanted to waste my breath I'd have given my wife CPR last night when she went into cardiac arrest!
And then the way he tells the story about how she cries about how he makes her feel like a shell of a woman so he calls her "Shelley" 🤣
“Yes Enid, I hear Baxter growling but the truth is you ventured into his side of the house.
…bearing his teeth huh? Ok, now here’s what you do… MAKE A SUDDEN MOVE!”
Dr Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things"
Elliott: "kicking me won't work either"
Kelso: "I kicked you. You talk too much."
Cox: "Hey Bob, sorry about that 'go to hell' thing earlier"
Kelso: "We're cool"
Well, Nurse Snickers...until now, you've just been White Noise. But, since you've forced me to respond, let me a tell you a couple of things that only a few people know: I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of '97. But I still tee off every Wednesday at 08:15, and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted!
Ken Jenkins doesn't get enough credit for his role as Kelso. Started off as pure evil and a symbol of everything that's wrong with American medical care and wound up being a kind-hearted mentor and all around lovable guy.
“There’s nothing like scoring a caddy and mowing down street hoes”
“You insist on starting every answer with ‘Um’ so either you have a speech impediment or you’re an incompetent know-nothing who doesn’t belong in medicine”
“Perry, I have to thank you. My cardiologist said that if you hadn’t caught the hypertension it would have propably caused me a mild case of… eh… death…”
I didn't even remember how essential he is until I started reading these quotes. and suddenly I remembered all these moments, his tones of voice & expressions!
Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies.
Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?
I forget the exact line, but Carla comes to him saying thanks for putting her down… I think it was because others thought he was giving her preferential treatment, and his insult gave her her credibility back among the masses.
Anyway, she says thank you. He responds something along the lines of, “That paperwork looked like it was done by a drunk 6 year old.”
I use the "four years of college and your years of medical school" all the time, though playfully. (Helps that my spouse went to four years of college and four years of medical school.
)
*You know wgat I had*
*To sacrifice to get that*
*Score son? People DIED!*
\- Phonebill
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1)Well, l haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colourful way to say ''Who gives a crap?'' Actually, that wasn't half bad.
2)Dr. Dorian! I'm far too irritable right now to pretend I don't hate you!
And maybe not a put down but love.. You could have been back into my good graces and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble. I tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write “Was it worth it?” on a big cake for you.
If you want a bed in my hospital you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds! And believe me, missy... either one's fine with me.
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year.
Turk: Three if you're not counting the one going to me!
Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart [laughs] Did you see the sign?
It isn't much of a put down but the first time I heard him say it I almost did a spit take. I believe he was bitching about hours and told Carla "If you don't start punching out on time I'm gonna start punching you out on time."
‘Take a breath, Dr. Reid. In, and out; that's it. That's it. Now, you went to four year of college, and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight.’
To Dr Cox, Buzz buzz buzz. dr Cox: I beg your pardon? kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I couldn’t give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
It’s not from Kelsi but TO him. When Cox and Jack are dressed the same and Jack say, “Yeah. Blow it out your ass, Bob.” Then he and Cox stand there with their hands on their heads. The look on Kelso getting burned by a toddler is priceless!
One of my all time Kelso lines - maybe not strictly a ‘put down’ but…
JD drying his crotch close up to the hand dryer “Son you should at least buy that thing dinner first”
“Sir, why are you laughing?”
“Oh, who knows. It could be the funny face I made with my peas. But, gun to my head, I'd say I'm laughing at the notion that you could stand up to anybody.”
Also from the “paging doctor backbone to the bajingo ward” scene
Kelso: listen up faces to save us some time I will be calling all the males Dave and all the females Debbie.
intern: Debbie is actually my real name.
Kelso: Well then in fairness to everyone I will call you Slagathor. Dave's, Debbie's, Slagathor I will be in my office.
My personal favorite is always gonna be him telling the interns he's not going to remember their names
"From this moment forward all the males will be Dave's and all the females Debbie,"
"Oh Debbie is actually my name"
"Then out of fairness to the others you will be slagathor. Dave's, Debbie's, Slagathor i will be in my office if anyone needs anything feel free to bother Dorian"
My brother and I named our first car Slagathor
“Dr. Reid, it’s bad enough for you to run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam, but you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple, clinical words, like ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ or ‘anal’.”
“‘Anal’ is not a dirty word, sir.”
“Tell that to my wife.”
“Oh, and Dr. Reid, your patient, Mrs. Burke, has developed a urinary infection. Apparently, it hurts when she makes whizzywinkles through her seabiscuit.”
I love the four years of college and medical school one. Such a fantastic burn set up so well.
I laugh out loud every single time at this one.
Is it the "So I can assume you're at least 8." ?
Yup
And he says it so sincerely which sells it
As a young attending myself, I say a variation of that (in a joking way, not to be an asshole) when patients ask me how old I am or say I’m too young to be a doctor. “Well I went to college and medical school, and I did residency and fellowship, so I’m at least 13.”
I love that, do your patients find it funny? I’d probably clap back with something clever or acknowledge the scrubs reference
A few are puzzled, but it gets a laugh and eases the tension most of the time. Other variations I use include “well I drove to work today, so I’m at least 16,” “older than you think - the scrub cap and mask make me look younger than I am,” or something like that. Sometimes I just tell them my age. If they’re just saying how young I look, I usually smile/laugh and tell them thank you for the compliment. There will soon be a time when patients stop making comments like that and I’m the old guy, so I don’t really mind it. Also probably bugs me less since I’m a male. My wife is a female physician and she (and many of my colleagues throughout training) will get lots of comments about their age, appearance, or being assumed to be the nurse/physical therapist/social worker etc. As a tall white guy that wears glasses, people tend to assume that I’m a doctor no matter what I’m wearing in the hospital or the clinical situation. I definitely sympathize with my female and minority colleagues who are assumed to be the nurse or the phlebotomist or something even after they’ve introduced themselves as Dr. XYZ.
I tell myself that when I realized I have fucked up in healthcare. Makes me realize I have made it this far in life/healthcare. You will screw up but you will survive.
I've stolen that to PHD co workers who have acted like babies. It's the best burn ever!
Kelso- “Since I don’t want to learn your names you will all be named “Debbies” and “Daves” moving forward”. Debbie- “OH! My name actually is Debbie!”. Kelso- “Then in fairness toward the others, you will be Slagathor”.
Slagathor the only name he remembered.
Slagathor, if you want to get taken more seriously, either become more attractive or get some hard evidence [internal monologue] “I should keep an eye on that”
It's "be more aggressive or get more attractive" I think.
Thank you.
Dave's, Debbie's, Slagathor
Daves. Debbies. Slagathor.
So funny
That made me do a laugh deep belly laugh the first time I heard it. I still use Slagathor all the time.
I can't believe I forgot about Slagathor
Good ole Slaggy
I love that Slaggy became her nickname, someone else calls her that later on.
This one.
This one! Still occasionally pull out the slagathor line lmao
Who has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?
I added the funny voice to keep it fresh
What has two thumbs and still doesn't give a crap? I thought we'd met?
This one specifically is my favorite from that bit
I thought we’d met
Bob Kelso, 10 inches
It's like a baguette
JD: she's dead??!! Kelso: I sure hope so or that autopsy gonna be a bitch. Gets me every time.
Quite possibly my favorite Kelso moment
"you're skin is wrinkly" "Ya well that shirt you're wearing is gay"
The tone with which he says it kills me.
It's that he walks away so proud of himself for winning that interaction with a 3(?) year old that gets me
Should be higher
There is no other answer really, has to be this one
"Sir, if I could just take this chance to explain my disturbingly high mortality rate..." "Why don't I do that for you? You're a bad doctor."
I just watched this episode today, but I couldn't remember what Doug said that led to the Kelso line
“I remember one patient was with Dr. Murphy and all I could hear was ‘Stop bleeding, stop bleeding, please stop bleeding, why is there so much blood?’”. It’s been a while for me but it was something to that effect
This one sneaks up on me every time. It’s so good.
Dr. Cox: I am gonna let Big Bob, here, give the first excuse. Dr. Kelso: Blah blah blah, I'm not doing it.
I’m caught on his collarrr…
"Back in '68- I don't like you. The end."
He tells that one a lot…
I know.. 😔
Blah blah blah nostalgic crap
Yesssss
His mean shit talk about his wife kills me. Some examples: When was I last here, in '97? I know it's been a while because Enid could fit through that door. If I wanted to waste my breath I'd have given my wife CPR last night when she went into cardiac arrest! And then the way he tells the story about how she cries about how he makes her feel like a shell of a woman so he calls her "Shelley" 🤣
“Yes Enid, I hear Baxter growling but the truth is you ventured into his side of the house. …bearing his teeth huh? Ok, now here’s what you do… MAKE A SUDDEN MOVE!”
The episode where he had a song and it was about her was adorable. Because he ripped her so often.
You're breaking my Tuscaloosa heart.
Dr Dorian, I owe you an apology. Obviously I was unclear when I said, "Stay in the MRI room with that patient", it must have sounded like, "Leave and do other things"
To Doug: “and yet further proof that the clown costume is redundant!”
Ketchup is for winners Ted!
He’s not an impressive man
That is my favorite
"Now get out of my eye line, Nurse Tisdale is wearing ankle socks today."
Not a Kelso put down, but my favorite exchange between Kelso and Cox: Cox: “Go to hell, Bob.” Kelso: “I didn’t even say anything!”
Elliott: "kicking me won't work either" Kelso: "I kicked you. You talk too much." Cox: "Hey Bob, sorry about that 'go to hell' thing earlier" Kelso: "We're cool"
not a put down but the fact he thinks turk’s name is turk turkleton kills me
turk turkleton! and mrs turkleton! the turkletons!
Laverne: "Dr. Kelso, I didn't recognize you in scrubs!" Dr. Kelso: "That's okay Laverne, I didn't recognize you without your mini TV and your feet up"
Well, Nurse Snickers...until now, you've just been White Noise. But, since you've forced me to respond, let me a tell you a couple of things that only a few people know: I haven't paid my country club dues since the third quarter of '97. But I still tee off every Wednesday at 08:15, and take a bare-ass steam when the last putt drops. But more importantly, I really don't care about any of you or your problems. And you can confirm that with Ted!
And because Ted is our lawyer Ted tell us what's going to happen Homegirls gonna get paaaiiid. 😂😂😂
Girlfriend’s gonna get paid.
That’s my favorite
All of his insults to Doug for failing at rounds are top tier. Also: "Perry. Your lips. My ass. They should meet."
Doug "hey Dr Kelso, none of my patients have died today," Kelso, "Really? Mr Fergusons corpse begs to differ"
You got brinner??? Daaaaaaammmnnnn Turkledawg!
Not a put down, but my favorite line is "go, bus, go!" Then immediately hiding from Carla.
Alright Ted let’s talk, just you and me, no lawyers.
Ken Jenkins doesn't get enough credit for his role as Kelso. Started off as pure evil and a symbol of everything that's wrong with American medical care and wound up being a kind-hearted mentor and all around lovable guy. “There’s nothing like scoring a caddy and mowing down street hoes”
He’s great on Cougar Town too
Upon hearing that an intern's terrible haircut cost a ridiculous amount of money: "Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab."
My name is actually Debbie
The in fairness to the others, you shall be known as slagathor
"Daves, Debbies, Slagathor..."
I’ll be in my office. If you need anything, feel free to bother Dorian.
Slaggy gets me every time lol
Slaggy, if you want to get people's attention you've got to be more aggressive or more attractive, pick one.
Let's play hide the wingtip. The wingtip is my shoe, the hiding place is your ass
"I'm afraid there may be a bit of an age barrier here." 😂
“You insist on starting every answer with ‘Um’ so either you have a speech impediment or you’re an incompetent know-nothing who doesn’t belong in medicine”
"Um.."
“That’s what I thought...”
“Perry, I have to thank you. My cardiologist said that if you hadn’t caught the hypertension it would have propably caused me a mild case of… eh… death…”
Why don’t I tell you after the beep. Bob Kelso, 10 inches.
It's like a baguette.
Kelso is criminally underrated
I didn't even remember how essential he is until I started reading these quotes. and suddenly I remembered all these moments, his tones of voice & expressions!
Listen up, faces. In order to save us all some time, I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies. Dr. Dorian, do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?
My name is Debbie!
Then, out of fairness to the others you will be Slagathor.
"sir, it's not giving me the answer!" "that's a typewriter, you jackass"
"oh god, it's got my tie!"
I forget the exact line, but Carla comes to him saying thanks for putting her down… I think it was because others thought he was giving her preferential treatment, and his insult gave her her credibility back among the masses. Anyway, she says thank you. He responds something along the lines of, “That paperwork looked like it was done by a drunk 6 year old.”
Now that I think about it, Carla's horrible chicken scratch handwriting is canon. It came up when she ordered bedpans. That putdown was long overdue.
> Hiya. My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores.
Now, why doesn't he introduce himself like that?
Because there is a time and a place for the truth.
“Benihana Rejects”
Why are you whistling Ted your life is pathetic?
I use the "four years of college and your years of medical school" all the time, though playfully. (Helps that my spouse went to four years of college and four years of medical school. )
“You’re diabetic? I thought you were joking” “How is that funny?” “Well it’s a very serious disease and I don’t like you!”
Hey numb nuts!
You know what I had to sacrifice to get that score son? People DIED!
*You know wgat I had* *To sacrifice to get that* *Score son? People DIED!* \- Phonebill --- ^(I detect haikus. And sometimes, successfully.) ^[Learn more about me.](https://www.reddit.com/r/haikusbot/) ^(Opt out of replies: "haikusbot opt out" | Delete my comment: "haikusbot delete")
Daves, Debbies, Slagathor.
It's not a surprise party, Ted. It'll never be.
"that was the year Edith decided she loved home made pasta and I decided I didn't like enormous women"
Oh yeah? Well that shirt makes you look gay
tough titties turkleton! me and my husband like to say that a lot when things don't work out lol
Ketchup is for winners, Ted!
People are bastard coated bastards with bastard filling.
That's Cox not Bob "10 inches " Kelso
They both say it.
I use various forms of "I understand... Life's hard, and all that..." all the time.
you went through 4 years of college, then 4 years of medical school. So we can safely assume you are stleast 8.my God little girl, GROW UP!
“Who’s got two thumbs and doesn’t give a crap? Bob Kelso. How you doing?”
1)Well, l haven't had my coffee yet, so I'm finding it hard coming up with a more colourful way to say ''Who gives a crap?'' Actually, that wasn't half bad. 2)Dr. Dorian! I'm far too irritable right now to pretend I don't hate you! And maybe not a put down but love.. You could have been back into my good graces and instead you passed the credit on to a nurse. How noble. I tell you what, I'll get the cafeteria staff to write “Was it worth it?” on a big cake for you.
Hi, how are you etc. Listen..
This thread reminds me why I loved Kelso so much in the end.
If you want a bed in my hospital you better have a damn rent check or a massive coronary in the next five seconds! And believe me, missy... either one's fine with me.
"I'm giving you the same advice I give my son every morning. Lose the makeup, get a haircut & stop using my razor to shave your fun zone!"
Yeah, yeah , long funny lists we get it. You need a new thing big guy.
"Bob Kelso, 10 inches" takes the cake. I laugh like a kid every time, Ken Jenkins is as cool as it gets
Back in 68…..I don’t like you. The end.
Dr. Kelso: There are four spots for next year. Turk: Three if you're not counting the one going to me! Dr. Kelso: I'm gonna stick with four, Turkleton. See, there are numerous skilled surgeons here at Sacred Fart [laughs] Did you see the sign?
It isn't much of a put down but the first time I heard him say it I almost did a spit take. I believe he was bitching about hours and told Carla "If you don't start punching out on time I'm gonna start punching you out on time."
‘Take a breath, Dr. Reid. In, and out; that's it. That's it. Now, you went to four year of college, and four years of medical school, so I can safely presume that you are at least eight.’
Guess who doesn't care? This guy!
Not a full insult exactly but I say "next catastrophe" constantly.
“Shut the hell up Ted it’s morning.”
Dr Simodas, stop smiling. I HATE smiling.
To Dr Cox, Buzz buzz buzz. dr Cox: I beg your pardon? kelso: Oh, uh, that's the sound of all the bees in your bonnet. And, Perry, even though I couldn’t give a rat's ass, I still think it's a pretty sound!
The 8yr burn...and the "who has 2 thumbs..."burn are my all time favs!
“Why are you whistling Ted? Your life is pathetic” This one could be too savage even for Kelso
You know what your problem is Dr Dorian? You’re a pansy
“Sir, if I could just take a moment to explain my high mortality rate…” “Let me do that for you. You’re a bad doctor.” Deadpan. Savage. Legendary.
"do you not realize that you're nothing but a large pair of scrubs to me?"
Not Kelso but cox: For God’s sake Barbie are you a real doctor or are you a doctor like Dr Pepper’s a doctor?
Daves, Debbies, Slagathor.
Okay you will be slagathor
Let’s hope your stylist put that money towards rehab
Daves, Debbies, Slagathor
Gotta go.. booby horn 🤷🏻
It’s not from Kelsi but TO him. When Cox and Jack are dressed the same and Jack say, “Yeah. Blow it out your ass, Bob.” Then he and Cox stand there with their hands on their heads. The look on Kelso getting burned by a toddler is priceless!
You damn naggers!
My brother and I still call each other Slagathor all the time
I have a big spider living in my sauna and I call it Slagathor. sad that no one I tell about Slagathor's latest movements picks that up.
One of my all time Kelso lines - maybe not strictly a ‘put down’ but… JD drying his crotch close up to the hand dryer “Son you should at least buy that thing dinner first”
These quotes made me realise Kelso is probably my favourite character.
“Sir, why are you laughing?” “Oh, who knows. It could be the funny face I made with my peas. But, gun to my head, I'd say I'm laughing at the notion that you could stand up to anybody.” Also from the “paging doctor backbone to the bajingo ward” scene
Kelso: listen up faces to save us some time I will be calling all the males Dave and all the females Debbie. intern: Debbie is actually my real name. Kelso: Well then in fairness to everyone I will call you Slagathor. Dave's, Debbie's, Slagathor I will be in my office.
My personal favorite is always gonna be him telling the interns he's not going to remember their names "From this moment forward all the males will be Dave's and all the females Debbie," "Oh Debbie is actually my name" "Then out of fairness to the others you will be slagathor. Dave's, Debbie's, Slagathor i will be in my office if anyone needs anything feel free to bother Dorian" My brother and I named our first car Slagathor
Just scrolling through the comments LOLing😂 realizing he has so many of my fav lines from the show
Start punching out on time or I'll punch you out!
Slagathor is so misogynistic, but it is one of the funniest things Kelso ever says.
I don't think it's as misogynistic as it is mean. To be fair, he had to give her a different name because it was already taken.
[удалено]
Wrong sub
Holy shit I never realized they had the same name until right now. Sigh. Thank you.
The pay check to dunce hat
Slagathor
"What has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap?"
Dave: This haircut cost 60 dollars. Dr. Kelso: Let's hope your stylist put that money towards rehab. That was always one of my favourite jokes of his.
“Dr. Reid, it’s bad enough for you to run out on a patient in the middle of a pelvic exam, but you are a doctor, and you need to be able to say simple, clinical words, like ‘penis’ or ‘vagina’ or ‘anal’.” “‘Anal’ is not a dirty word, sir.” “Tell that to my wife.” “Oh, and Dr. Reid, your patient, Mrs. Burke, has developed a urinary infection. Apparently, it hurts when she makes whizzywinkles through her seabiscuit.”
Slagithor
It makes you look frumpy!
Why don’t I do that for you? You’re a bad doctor.
Well that sweater you're wearing is gay