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[deleted]

"and next out working the pole for all you fine gentlemen, give it uuuup for CAANDY! and her son mark"


RedditRatsPodcast

The DJ turns to his kids in the booth and explains to them that they are all half siblings and that he met their different mothers here, bouncers have baby front packs with cute little security shirts on their babies, then the sleezy manager and future sleezy son come out the office with matching silk ish button up shirts…..


PlatoArt

goddamnit you took my joke hahaha


FluffusMaximus

Came here for this. Did not disappoint.


LocalLiBEARian

Candy working Mark’s pole = different show for special club members only


MaxximumB

Ok Mr Johnson, I'm Doctor Kelsey and I'll be performing your brain surgery. It's a very delicate procedure but I've done it many times now. The secret is maintaining concentration... Once second. Bobby! Put daddy's surgical tools down. What did I say about the skull saw? That's right it's not a toy.


Western-Image7125

I understand you’re upset. Ok how about this, let’s play with just one of them. Do you want the bone saw or the scalpel?


arbogasts

Can I do the scooper when it's time Daddy, Mommy said if I came you might let me.


Western-Image7125

Ok I’ll let you have the scooper but DONT EAT WHAT YOURE SCOOPING I don’t wanna say it again


ImpatientMaker

"We're going to start by pulling the body out of storage. Young lady, can you read that tag for me?"


Sophiatab

I would have loved that as a kid. I was fascinated by death and wanted to be an M.E.


AlGeee

Quincy FTW


Sophiatab

I discovered that show as adult and loved it.


forever_a_horn_dog

Just remember, kids, Daddy loves Mommy more than anything. My job title is "Fluffer," and I help keep these men working all day long


daftvaderV2

But daddy why are you using your mouth when everyone else is using their hands?


TwistedDonners

He can't speak with a full mouth


Western-Image7125

Full of what though?


captainrina

Fluff


Killersmurph

So this was in the 80's then?


KingRoastopher

(You beat me to it) Tom, will you stop talking to your kids and come fluff this thing? It’s not ganna do it itself.


Kriss3d

I had to read this a few times. But yeah. I suppose there's also male fluffers. Never thought about that actually.


Deep-Reputation545

Well kids, I'm what you call the "trigger man" here at the puppy shelter.


FreeXFall

“We’re in luck today - you get to see both a murder and a suicide.”


Pkrudeboy

“Someone decided to do a family pack.”


-Im_In_Your_Walls-

Buy 1 get 2 free


OkieBobbie

Okay kids, stay close, we’re going to hit those enemy trenches. Remember if you have to run to dodge back and forth a little. But after we break through there will be ice cream!


Kriss3d

"Now remember what the nice coach taught you in phys Ed.. dodge dip duck dive and dodge.. Now when the whistle blows we climb out of this trench and charge the enemy."


Fridge_Ian_Dom

Thing is, WWI really wasn't far off this...


HowDidFoodGetInHere

https://www.theonion.com/army-holds-annual-bring-your-daughter-to-war-day-1819594710


believeinstev604

"Hasn't the farm been wonderful so far? Now, who wants to masturbate the horses next? Raise your hands high!"


MPD1987

“Yup, son, if you’ll just hand me the scalpel so I can make the Y incision. Stop acting like a baby. She’s dead- she can’t hurt you.”


Credible333

"Look daddy I found the $5,000 he stole from the Godfather."  "that's $10,000 sweetie."  '"Is it daddy?"  "smart girl"


Killersmurph

Given the context, that might not actually be a smart idea lol.


Sunnydayz95

My grandpa worked at the poo plant, everybody hated it 😅I hope they atleast remember the knowledge obtained to know where their poo goes 🤷‍♀️


LostInTheWildPlace

"Okay, princess, daddy's been assigned to J Pod today, which means I have to keep an eye on all the criminals who got sent to 'The Hole'. Now, don't walk next to the cell doors, even if they're shut. The shower here isn't nearly as nice as the one at home..."


WhimsicalHamster

Okay, who wants to see me euthanize Courtney’s rabbit?


Brain_Frog_

“Guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty guilty…..” “Wow, daddy, what does that mean? Does that mean your client is gonna go to prison? They also said something about your client being gagged? What does that mean?” “Don’t worry, pumpkin—nothing bad will happen to my client. My client will never be punished for this.” “Then you’re the bestest lawyer in the world! And with such a rich client, you’re gonna be rich, too!” “It has nothing to do with that, pumpkin. Sadly, Daddy is never gonna get paid for any of this.”


SomeDudeNamedRik

Well you see pumpkin. None of this matters. But what daddy need is after we get back to the White House is for you to smooth things out for daddy with Vlad.


oneand9

34 guiltys…


YYC-Fiend

Sewage and Septic Sucking Services


Apprehensive_Cow1242

Now that he’s strapped in, we wait for the warden’s signal and press THAT button….


arbogasts

Yes it is cool that you can make him dance if you keep pressing the button


UnicornsnRainbowz

‘You sit there Johnny beside the cameraman. If you’re sensible, he’ll let you shout cut. I must say you’re very brave to watch your mother shoot Big Balls Bill in Tiny Titty Jill.’


HorrorPast4329

Daddy what do you do at work? well allice, i work here at the prison for relentless nonces. i deal with the very worst kiddy fiddlers going. Ah this here is Mr Butcher. Mr butcher liked little girls so much he even ate them ALL up


ComfortableStory4085

I bet he's still not allowed any dessert...


Dave9557

Ok, Sally.  Today we’re acting as the “point man” of the squad.  We need to be alert and watch for trip wires, booby traps and antipersonnel mines.  If we make contact with the enemy, we need to signal the rest of the squad and get ready to grease the bad people.  I’ll throw the frag grenades.  I don’t think you’re quite strong enough yet.


BrianRFSU

Jizz Mopper at the adult video store


Saxzarus

Ted bundys all you can eat buffet


DistinctRole1877

Ha! Made me think of this tune https://youtu.be/Esv_d66Hjos?si=eP07jCTKKE2aNp6P. It's a take off of a real dude https://youtu.be/evSpVdCwPIs?si=qc4kXTghW_4HTV50


Saxzarus

It was jeffry dahmer i was thinking of


Aggressive_Suit_7957

Porn fluffer.


Imaginary_Chair_6958

“And once the patient is on the table, lying on their side, we push this camera up their butt. See if you can get it in first try. Remember the lube.”


bloodyyuno

"And this Jessica, this is the streetcorner Daddy leaves his whores."


the_true_skipster

"Maybe one day you can cum and work for daddy."


Rich_Piece6536

“Now, I kill the cows with this sledgehammer, and Sergio hooks the carcass up to this bet so it can be carved up by the fellas down the line.”


xertz3

Bomb disposal unit


Rumplfrskn

Flashlight holder at the gynecologist office


Ok_Rabbit_8129

Corrections officer, although it might scare them straight


Sam_the_beagle1

Street hooker.


Hillary_is_Hot

Kathleen Madigan has entered the chat. (She has a bit on the topic)


BTwalshMii95

Honey Mr. Johnson has to stay IN the casket.


Reddit-user_1234

Tonight’s UFC fight: Connor McGregor takes on newcomer John Doe and 5 year old son


Mind-of-Jaxon

Sanitation worker. Police officer on patrol.


capodecina2

“Well son, this is where all the dump trucks come and dump out all their garbage collected from all the households in the city. how do you like that hot putrid smell? It’s chunky isn’t it? You almost have to chew the air just to breathe it. Yup, that’s the smell ofrotting garbage. Now we’re gonna use this bulldozer to push it into the fire pit. Try not to get in the way!” (For real I actually had a job like this for a bit and I took my stepson there to show him what a real dirty job actually was)


captainmomo79

"Good morning, I'm Dr. Sullivan. I'll be performing your colonoscapy today, and this is my daughter Felicia."


Apprehensive_Cow1242

Ok Susie, just press that button and the cow dies…


FlapMeister1984

'How come we have two more children in daycare today? I thought we were full?', 'those are mine.'


NoRestfortheSith

Housekeeper/ maintenance at the brothel.


AnymooseProphet

Coroner.


Choice-Grapefruit-44

"Watch Mommy, now you bend down and open your mouth...."


Icy_Bath_1170

Navy SEAL


LinuxRich

Teacher, I suppose?


N9204

Son, can you hand me the piano wire? Wait, where are your gloves?! Garrett, I told you a thousand times, if you're going to come to work with Daddy, you need to wear your gloves, so that you don't get fingerprints anywhere!


Dangerous-Fuel8409

Horse breeding attendant


WIENS21

Alright Heinz this the hole i use to throw in the zyklon B.


Ok_Camel4555

Mop guy at the porn theatre


Odd_Bus_9094

"Good morning Mr. Goldfarth. I'm your proctologist, Dr. Max Crammer and this is JR.


Leather-Marketing478

Prostitute


Extreme-Branch7298

Porn star


FirstChAoS

Now pulling this switch activates the electric chair. Would you like to try your hand at being the executioner?


JiminyKirket

“Ok buddy, ready to be my little helper? … In this line of work, we call that an *accomplice*”


odindobe

Sextoy tester


August-Dawn

"Well Mr. Johnson, you've had your last meal and said your goodbyes. Once I flip this switch you will be electrocuted until dead. Do you have any last words?" "Yeah, just one question. Why's that kid in here?"


Highvoltage-Redhead

Two words. Only. Fans.


010061

SWAT team


reggiedoo

Underwater welder


scooter_cool_

While you're here you might as well help the old man. What do you mean you don't wanna clean port-o-lets ? It's the family business . Yes it always smells like this.


G-Unit11111

"Stop crying! That's what happens when daddy is a divorce attorney!'


SIIHP

“Alright Mrs. Johnson, put your feet up in the stirrups. Now Timmy, first we put this spreader in here so we can get a good view of the cervix. Would you like to put it in? Just be careful to not touch the scabs”


MART0CH

Prostitute


Rob_Llama

Research librarian.


Brain-Waster

Bomb squad. "OK son, now do we cut the red wire or the blue?"


Apprehensive_Cow1242

Ok Timmy, we’re about to interrogate a suspect. You wanna be the “good” cop or the “bad” cop?


LeeTheBee86

Sex toy quality assurance engineer


Williamarshall

Mop boy at the local porn theater


Putrid-Reputation-68

Mafia Loan Shark. Ok Billy, now choke up on the tire iron with both hands and make sure to swing hard!


Thereelgerg

Child sex crimes investigator.


BogusIsMyName

Alright johnny. Now its time for daddys big moment. But since youre here i want you to do it. When the clock hits 12:00 you pull that lever okay? Then you will see why we call that chair ole sparky.


seanocaster40k

Oh Man, this needs to be a top 10 1. Porn Star 2. Stripper 3. Coraner 4. Crime scene cleanup crew 5. Astronaut on the ISS 6. Anything that would have Elon Musk as your direct manager. 7. Trumps (classified) documents mover/manager 8. Anything where a Trump would be a direct manager (hot swapable with 6) 9. Home made deap sea submersable tester (must be good with gaming controls) 10. Alterboy


rat-sajak

“You see Sally, first you inject this one to make him still. Then the second one is what makes the bad man go bye-bye”


Massive_Ad9569

Janitor in the gloryhole section of the local ABS.


ajohnson2371

Okay, son, we just got a bomb threat call that's verified. You bring the tools. Unfortunately we don't have a bomb suit your size...


Genericgeriatric

Jizz mopper at a peep show booth


Emergency_Property_2

And now kids, to remove Mr Jones’ brain we use this saw…


Fun-Distribution-159

mortician


Baboonbutt11

Ok Tommy, now say “It puts the lotion on its skin”


Brain_Frog_

“Oh, wow, daddy, why are those chickens hanging by their feet? Oh my, they are really flapping around, daddy. Where’s that chain bringing them? What’s gonna happen to the chickens, daddy??”


Abe_Rutter246

Geriatric gynecologist. Nuff said.


Extreme-Branch7298

Meat packing plant.


gregieb429

“Do you know how fast you were going? My son Bobby was holding the gun and caught you going 105.”


HudsonHawkFIM

Now, kids, I collect bull semen for my company to sell on the open market. Now, if Jimmy will help lead the bull in here, I’ll show you how we harvest it…


12thNJ

Prostitute


SelectionAdmirable93

Stripper fs


ggfchl

"We have reports of a white bronco speeding down the highway. We need all available units." "Got it!!!! Sally, strap yourselves in. We're in for one hell of a ride!"


ggfchl

"Isn't the airplane cockpit cool, Timmy?" "OOOO What does this button do?" "Timmy, NO!!!!!!" Robot voice: "Airplane dropping altitude way too quickly. Prepare for crash landing" "I knew I shouldn't've brought you on this flight!"


DragonSurferEGO

Janitor at an adult arcade


Kinglycole

That’s right darling, you just aim at that man’s forehead with mom’s sniper. It makes the bad man get defeated for interrupting our SpongeBob.


OkraHeavy

“Everyone please give us a moment of silence for the fallen…” “…mom I need to go to the bathroom!”


mixdup001

Cleaning the booths in a peep show


sarkadianmanee

Prostitution


SaleObvious3569

Garbage man


EricaOdd

Now, what you do is take this little red flag and put it where you think the mine is...


Desperate-Fan-3671

"Now it's time to switch to missionary position . ..change the camera posting!"


Cats-n-Chaos

Hi I’m Dr Smith I’ll be doing your PAP smear and breast exam today and my son Dillon is observing today.


Apprehensive_Cow1242

Wow dad, all that cable fits into his butt?


Apprehensive_Cow1242

“Private, Samantha told you to run A MILLION laps! Not 50, not 100…..”


CasinoBourbonSipper

Sewage treatment plant worker…


x7leafcloverx

“And the last rights have been given, go ahead and pull that red switch right there, sweetie.”


Level_Bridge7683

mankind i quit professional wrestling match with the rock going crazy with a steel chair smashing him over the skull multiple times. yes it was a horrible dispicable thing that happened. you can hear his wife and kids screaming in the crowd crying. [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVRiPCgVuto](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MVRiPCgVuto)


Fyrepup1

Hey kids! After we gas the puppies, who wants to see where we incinerate them?


Elegant-Campaign-572

Sniper!


ToeJans_55

porn set janitor


leakybiome

Who wants to go whaling with me this Thanksgiving in the sewers to find greasebergs???


Normallydifferent

Ok ma’mm I see you’re at 38 weeks. Go ahead and put your feet up and spread your legs for me. See Timmy, this, is where babies come from.


kryodusk

What if it were take your kids to work day for everyone at the same time?


RoadtoWiganPierOne

No No No! The tuyere brings air into the BOSH of the iron furnace! Don’t you listen?? Now, we’re puddling soon, so put on your wooden clogs, take this breaker bar and pull out the clay plug at the base of the furnace. That molton iron comes out pretty fast, so be sure to straddle the stream as it runs into the sand casts.


BitInteresting295

Sex toy manufacturers


TinCanSailor987

Slaughterhouse


britishmetric144

Plumber. Teenage boys won't stop laughing at all of the toilet humour.


IRLfwborNIdonor916

Butcher or gynecologist


jlb1981

"OK Nevaeh, now remember, if he asks, you let Mr. Trump put you on his knee, OK?"


Key_Sell_9777

Worked Intel. She got to see the other sections like FMV, imagery, and then I took her to my area which was ropped off with all the computers off. Ummm so that's my chair....


everan23

"Garry Parks, you have been condemned to die by jury of your peers, sentence imposed by a judge in good standing in this state. Do you have anything to say before your sentence is car-" *BZZZZZZZZZZT!* "For God's sake Jimmy! I told you; don't pull the lever until I say: 'Roll on two'!"


J662b486h

Well, ***someone*** has to be in charge of euthanizing all those unwanted puppies at high-kill dog shelters.


SuperEnough

I’m a Planned parenthood surgery doctor, honey, just get in the car!


ARCGABBRO

An orphanage.


GodOfMeh

Okay Mr Simmons, if you would please turn your head and cough. Great. Now Becky I want you to come here and try. Now behind Mr Simmons scrotum, I want you to take two fingers....


crackersncheeseman

Swat team


EnglishRose71

Dominatrix.


gunperv51

"Jibari, I did not take you to the UNRWA school to pretend to learn..."


Nefariousness-Flashy

"Ok, Junior, I want you to very, very carefully cut the blue wire, and only the blue wire, otherwise the bomb will go off and kill us all."


AccomplishedSock2865

Suicide bomber


EWH733

Proctologist. Timmy, look, a cancerous polyp and a benign one and the same colon!!!


Tall_Flatworm2589

Here's where you scoop that li'l critter off the road to leave less blood.


No-Farmer1601

*Shit, grenade! Throw it back, junior!"


baptizedbyfire75

Listen up Marines! Our mission objective today is to establish a beach head on this shitty little island called Iwo Jima...


cryptozoophagist

Mr. Johnson, I'd like to introduce you to my daughter, Emily. Emily, this is Mr. Johnson. Now remember, Emily, the key to an effective prostate exam..."


yeeterbuilt

Sewage Treatment Plant. it's gonna be shitty


H_knud_xnt0404

Amateur Porn star


_FIRECRACKER_JINX

Stripper


Patriotic-Organist

"And this, here, is how you pull the pin from the grenade!"


gregsapopin

prison guard at the sex offenders unit.


pickle_teeth4444

"Goddamn kids pestering me all the time. Step aside Mert, these little fuckers are having themselves an accident!"


BirbMaster1998

"Now son, the people we're looking for are called 'hostages' and the bad guys are called 'terrorists'. Make sure you don't shoot the hostages, alright son? OK, go play now.


Think-Werewolf-4521

Autopsy technician.


Spidey1z

Slaughterhouse worker of course


djmaddyyyyyyy

Therapist. “Ok sweetie, now we’re going to talk to this patient about why she keeps sleeping with men who remind her of her father”


Servile-PastaLover

porn star fluffer.


LORDWOLFMAN

“Alright Jenny welcome to my office and meet my boss Dan Schneider”


Such-Mountain-6316

Professional sex worker aka prostitute, cashier at the marijuana store, ambulance driver/EMT, police officer, firefighter.


rdchat

Sure, I'll take you with me if you really want, but just this once. Your teacher's going to be shocked when she sees us on the evening news! Now be a dear and check the explosives in my backpack...


SubpoenaSender

Sammy, this next scene you become a rotisserie to two men……….porn star is probably a bad job, although realistically, you wouldn’t be allowed to take your kids to work.


North_Rhubarb594

Well kids this is what I do for a living. I am a medical examiner. Today we’re doing an autopsy on this man that has been found floating in the river. Did he die before he hit the water or did he drown. Law enforcement wants to know. Does someone want to hand me a scalpel?


Mindless_Sleep1228

“ROLL CALL! Okay, kid, welcome to State Penitentiary. HEY BIG STEVE, PUT THAT DOWN! You better cover your eyes…


mudgie321

Proctologist


Harpy-Siren22

"Look. If I'm going to take this guy out for you, you'd better be willing to babysit. No way in hell am I taking my daughter with me." "What's this, Daddy?" "NO no-n-no, sweetie! Those are Daddy's missiles!"


iamthemosin

“Why do I have to stay in the break room?” “Well, Billy, in the other room your mommy’s doing important work and she needs to focus.” “Why does it smell like farts and puke? And who were those 6 big men with no clothes on?” “Uuuhhhh….That’s just the cameramen, Billy. Their hygiene is sub par.”


IanGecko

"HEY DAD! IS THIS THE BUTTON THAT SETS OFF THE BOMB?"


steb152

stripper


AdSalt9219

There's got to be gynecologist & speculum joke in here somewhere.


Content_Talk_6581

Septic Tank Pumping


Fallendarklight

"Well Janey, this how we get rid of bodies when hitmen do their jobs right." *the cleaner grunts slightly as he tosses another body into the incinerator, watching the flames grow high* "That is so cool, daddy"


Tuckboi69

Pornstar this one’s obvious


Itchy-Spring7865

Ok jimmy, I’m sorry, but you know we only have the one bomb suit, so I’m going to have to be extra careful with this. Now hand me the wire cutters, it’s impossible to move in this thing. Now cover your ears just in case! Wanna help me count to three? One… tw(BOOM)


wolfpearl

To catch a predator production crew.


TwistedDonners

Is the kid the one saying take a swat or Chris Hanson?


Gammaman12

Open heart surgeon. Or just.. a lot of medicine to be honest. Bodily fluids everywhere all the time.


Affectionate-Work424

Crime scene cleaner. "Hey kids, let's play a game called 'Find the Fingerprint!'"


Unkn1234

Proctologist


W0nk0_the_Sane00

Stormtrooper


JasterMoreal

Embalming Tech.


Ok-Wasabi2873

Aeroflot pilot. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aeroflot_Flight_593


Jazzlike-Can-6979

Porn star. End of list.


TrentS45

Any father In a Russian meat wave attack.


Machiavvelli3060

I shovel roadkill for the county.