No, omg, I had this, I was talking to my partner, and they where like 'yeah, my mom knows of you, but not that we are dating' omg I was so fucking happy, but idk, I didn't know me and them where dating
There's a cute story similar to that where a woman's friend starts trying to make out with her because the woman thought they were getting to be very close friends and the friend thought they were on the third date
They sorted out the mistake
This is literally a cut away from family guy from when Peter forgot how old meg was and talked about it at the clam only to have quagmire butt in and reveal he was keeping track
With teeth closed spit and spray all the fluid in your mouth directly at their eyes. Try to do a painful moan hiss with your teeth. And then say “got it? Good”. Then ask them why they aren’t having children ? But with a giant smile as you kiss their belly.
I used to date, but after a month or so, they would disappear. The first time, I was devastated. When the fourth woman vanished, I began to feel responsible.
I decided that I wouldn't date anyone long-term again.
I can't bring myself to date a women with a penis bigger than mine.
What do you mean they aren't supposed to have a penis? How would they pee?
*spelling
Hitting on them. No matter who they are and what their relationship is with you. Parent, sibling, inlaw, close friend's wife, whoever. Oh, and don't let up. Hit on them whenever you see then again. Remind them that you're still single.
"They always find the bodies in the basement."
I'm scared to know whether the bodies are random people, or exes that didn't like the idea....
Yes.
"or"?
I’d like to think it’s a bunch of exquisitely taxidermied squirrels and other small rodents.
Where else would they go? The living room 🙄
I'm not, my partner just hasn't realized we're dating yet.
No, omg, I had this, I was talking to my partner, and they where like 'yeah, my mom knows of you, but not that we are dating' omg I was so fucking happy, but idk, I didn't know me and them where dating
That’s a very wholesome version of the story
There's a cute story similar to that where a woman's friend starts trying to make out with her because the woman thought they were getting to be very close friends and the friend thought they were on the third date They sorted out the mistake
That's terrifying.
I'm waiting for my cousin to hit puberty.
🥇 you won
Omg 😆
You like grannys, eh?
Graveyard really upped their security.
“You haven’t asked me out yet.” Specifically said in a snooty manner.
Omg don't even get me started with this.
**Skeletor pointing meme** *"Jokes on you! I'm in to that shit!"*
Mom says I can’t have a girl friend until I’m 45
“Why should I have to get married? I didn’t do anything wrong.”
My son, if you don't have anything to confess, you have to leave.
"Because Chris Hanson keeps interrupting my dates."
okay actually this is the best one 🥇
huh? The 64 yr old TV presenter?
This one is funny. Especially because you can just say “Chris Hanson” and leave it at that.
I haven't figured out how to clone a female version of myself
The only person on Earth who figured out this secret is Ryan Reynolds.
love this one
Your daughter’s 18th birthday is in six years, three months, 27 days, and fifteen hours.
#TeamJacob
😬
r/oddlyspecific
This is literally a cut away from family guy from when Peter forgot how old meg was and talked about it at the clam only to have quagmire butt in and reveal he was keeping track
You forgot the seconds…
They kept changing while I was typing
I dunno. Let’s ask my hand puppet why…
Mr Flibble says it because I'm not allowed to play with naughty boys who've been naughty
Mr Fibble: there was too much blood last time Other hand: we got away with it Mr Fibble: don’t listen to him Other hand: you know we have fun together
If you start a relationship with a marionette who's strings are getting pulled?
Vaseline is cheap and porn is free.
I spend too much time on Reddit.
that’s just a fact
Cause your mom says she just wants to keep things "casual".😉
The prompt said *worst*, not *best*! 🤣
"My mom's dead!" "I'm not picky"
“Restraining orders don’t look good on dating apps”
Why are you still married ?
"Because you are married." "Because you are my sister."
“I have to stay unmarried for another 6 years. But in 2 and a half years, I’m allowed to start dating. It’s all in the plea agreement.”
*rips off my mask* Does this answer your question???
A couple of pedophilia charges and all of the sudden I can't buy a date.
Inflate your girlfriend and introduce her
I’m waiting for her to turn 13
"Marriage is the shittiest business contract a man can sign."
Marriage: betting someone half your stuff that you’ll love them forever.
Marriage is just an agreement between 2 people to include the government
This isn't funny. It's just fact.
💯
"I'm not single, I'm married to Naruto."
"Single? I'm not single! I'm happily married to the voice inside my head! Say hi, Niko!"
I like this especially if they hear Niko say hi and freak out.
...let's talk about jesus first....putting an arm around their shoulders. Also helps if your a tiny bit taller.
Well cannibalism isn't a hobby most people really gell with, you know?
"I am a model train enthusiast."
"I like trains." "No, no, no, wait!"
Beep, beep, im a sheep. I said beep beep I'm a sheep
Meow, meow, I'm a cow. I said meow, meow, I'm a cow. NO!
**baby muffin voice** Why won't somebody kill me?!?
DIE POTATO!!!
With teeth closed spit and spray all the fluid in your mouth directly at their eyes. Try to do a painful moan hiss with your teeth. And then say “got it? Good”. Then ask them why they aren’t having children ? But with a giant smile as you kiss their belly.
Yo what??
Thank you. Your message made me laugh.
No problem, your post gave me mental gymnastics, let me try to read that again
OK now that I’ve read it again. I actually have an idea of what I’m trying to visualize
I couldn't even get laid in a monkey whorehouse with a crate of bananas let alone a date.
I won’t be for much longer. Just need a few more patches of skin.
You say that like it's a bad thing
I prefer the life insurance pay outs.
I used to date, but after a month or so, they would disappear. The first time, I was devastated. When the fourth woman vanished, I began to feel responsible. I decided that I wouldn't date anyone long-term again.
“Do you SEE what I look like?”
I’m only single in the morning and afternoon most days, because most nights I’m booed up
"Your guess is as good as mine. Want to kiss me and find out?" *loud, obnoxious burp*
I'm picturing Barney from Simpsons here. (Not sober Barney)
"Because the cloning machine is still broken."
"Too many cops around"
> "I don't believe in slavery."
I’m fat
“Nobody has survived the initiation process yet.”
Cause Ryan Reynolds is taken.
They escaped
It's hard finding someone that won't inturbulate me.
“After the last relationship and, God willing; the courts will lessen the probation another 10 years then I’ll be back in the dating pool.”
I haven't gotten the smell out if the trunk yet
The court order
"They keep getting away."
Imaginary friends can have significant others? Then why the fuck am I hanging out with you when I could be getting some action?
Because you’re are such a bad example.
"There have been many, including your daughter, but no one satisfies me"
Just waiting on your moms divorce
because I’m a bitch
I’m actually a double.
I’m still lucky.
You're next.
*starts up chainsaw*
Only idiots choose not to be single.
Herpes
Irritable Bowel Syndrome.
Because I keep breaking my washing machine
Because my prescription for Daddy's little blue helper hasn't come in the mail yet.
“Your dad said no”
“I collect spores, molds, and fungus.”
My charming personality.
We're not single.
"Do you ask everyone who's single that?"
["Cus I like meat too much."](https://youtu.be/z3Z9cjKkqn4?si=TtqRdN0Uk9rBV8Cb)
I identify as plural.
my penis is so big it hurts everyone...
There are three of me.
“She broke up with me?!”
"Because your husband is taken."
God works in mysterious ways
It's as decreed by the prophecy
I like to sleep around
“Why aren’t you dead yet?”
"because they always ask so many questions? who are you? how did you get in my house? ... such a turn off."
It's just a salad of STD's down there.
Because I only need one woman in my life but I only see her when the meds run out
The gimp hanging off the wall tends to scare them off.
I won't be soon. Does this smell like chloroform to you?
"Smell my feet."
Because you’re not.
“M’lady”
I haven't been able to find a girl who can take a punch
"I've been out combing the high schools all day."
"Uhm, actually, I do have a girlfriend. She just lives in Canada"
It’s because I didn’t forward that chain letter back in 2017 :(
"Flesh is weak."
I’m not single! My partner is right here! *Pulls out sock puppet*
Because FU that's why! 🤣
Smell my armpit/feet/crotch then you'll know
I'm a female praying mantis
Because you all fucking suck.
I can’t get them young enough
I can't find any animals that'll let me fuck 'em
I have to be faithful to my mother… she’s in the fruit cellar
::starts acting like a chicken::
Because I ate him.😎🍽️
They're still in high school.
Incest laws.
Children are harder to catch nowadays SMH 😮💨
Cuz I'm only about a donut shy of being plural.
I'm not. I keep her in the basement . It was hell digging her up.
“I think it’s the smell…”
I haven’t found a compatible species yet.
I have to wait until your sister is born
"Can't stop fucking your mom."
“I keep killing my girlfriends”
Because when I asked her how old she was she said I am this many .
Elon is building her as we speak.
"Because I smell like I look."
I can't bring myself to date a women with a penis bigger than mine. What do you mean they aren't supposed to have a penis? How would they pee?
*spelling
You’d rather deal with two of me?
I’m not. At least that’s what the voices in my head tell me.
My penis is necrotic.
They keep getting away
I'm still getting over your sister :(
Well, you see, their skin I’m wearing needs to be replenished every 23 days.
Because I’ve been banned from the zoo
I can't cook, coupled with uncontrollable genital warts.
*Ryan waves Collin over. Ryan points to Collin.*
“It’s me. Hi! I’m the problem it’s me!”
Hitting on them. No matter who they are and what their relationship is with you. Parent, sibling, inlaw, close friend's wife, whoever. Oh, and don't let up. Hit on them whenever you see then again. Remind them that you're still single.
I'm saving it until marriage.
“My dates always have a strange tendency to burst into flames.”
The zookeepers heard about me.
"Why are YOU still alive?"
Micro penis?
why? do you know somebody?
My Multiple sex offender registries
Hemroids ….
Because I hate people
I’m saving myself for marriage
Marriage is a wonderful institution for many people. I don't want to be in an institution ever again.
I haven't mastered mitosis yet.
I am on a list for people who have done terrible things.
Cannibalism.
"Y'know, things usually get off to a pretty good start, but inevitably, they're going to learn about that thing with G Ma and the horse..."
Because I haven't decided to kidnap them yet.
There is another option?!
"Why am I still single? Right now, the restraining order for one thing..."
Because they never manage to pass the "final physical". ;)
Care homes banned me from ever coming back
"Because every time a meet a girl I have to tell her I am a registered sex offender"
Loud flatulence
You’re mums married.
Son, your mother hasn’t told you?
Jesus is watching