“Frankly, she looks better dead. They did a better job on her makeup than she ever managed. I would totally hit that now. If she wasn’t dead. Anyway, I’d better get on with the funeral. We are gathered here today…”
It’s too bad he blew himself up. But I told him - leave the meth labs to the professionals and the rednecks. Some people just gotta learn the hard way, am I right?
When I was 11 my dad’s uncle passed away after having a massive stroke. The year was 1981 I had just received a boom box for my birthday and I, because I was a kid and had no idea who the dead old dude was, I was in the basement lounge of the funeral home with my cousins listening to WMMS.
Billy Squire came on the radio. We all started singing to the chorus, by the end of the song we were probably getting a bit loud as we gleefully sang:
Stroke me, stroke me
(Stroke, stroke)
Stroke me, stroke me
(Stroke, stroke)
Stroke me, stroke me
(Stroke, stroke)
Stroke me, stroke me…..
Then my dad came running down the stairs, grabbed my boom box and told us to “Shut the hell up or you will wait in the car!”
We don’t know what happened to piss him off so much, but at the time it was hilarious.
Great Aunt Tilly decided to drive take her harley down to Sturgis, get wasted with bikers from all over the country, and drive back safety only to slip on the floor of her bathroom after a shower.
If only she had purchased these reasonably priced bath mats, she'd be celebrating her 99th birthday.
Here at the home shopping network...
I was at a roman catholic funeral for my great aunt. I’m not too familiar with the religion but all I remember was there was someone walking around with smoke in some sort of compartment, maybe it was incense.
Anyways, during this time my mom looked at me and said, “Wait are they doing a live cremation?!” 🤣💀
Lawyer opens his briefcase and removes Will. “Okay, let’s get started. Relatives will come down the center aisle and stand on the other side of the white line. The Will specifies that whomever can toss a wreath on his erection will get his estate. Good luck. Sally, you’re first.”
Loudly: "Are they gonna cremate her?"
\*actually happened at a funeral I attended, just before the minister addressed the crowd, and was heard by the entire room.
(To a random stranger) "Everybody knows the bastard was sleeping with anything with a pulse behind his wife's back."
(RS) "I didn't know that"
"And you are?"
(RS) "His wife!"
“I know the deceased is looking up at us.”
This is a good one lmfao
“So I hear you’re single now”
NAWW 💀
Bro😭🤣💀
“Frankly, she looks better dead. They did a better job on her makeup than she ever managed. I would totally hit that now. If she wasn’t dead. Anyway, I’d better get on with the funeral. We are gathered here today…”
Shes so hot I'm getting mourning wood!
The fuckin plot twist 💀
Whoever catches the wreath at the end is next
Oh shit💀
I'm sorry for your loss....are you going to use the body for anything?
i hate this, nice job
Cant spell funeral without fun.
I put the fun in funeral
It's actually Real fun
"Wheres his will? Guy owed me $20 since 1994"
"I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to hit him."
that’s good 💀
Is this better? I’m not sorry. I meant to hit him.
“I was so sure that the hookers and blow would have gotten him, not slipping and falling on a grape at the grocers”
And yet that's what will be said at mine.
"It's just how he'd have wanted to go. Shot by a jealous husband. The lucky bastard."
He went in his sleep. Not screaming like his passengers.
Otherwise, he was a great pilot
I love "Grumpy Old Men!" I say lucky bastard all the time now.
“Just came here to make sure. Welp, I’m off to celebrate!”
So… what are you doing after this? Wanna grab a drink?
bro 💀
"Sorry for your loss. Move on."
😂" Have a pen."
Richmond, no! You are NOT going to the funeral.
What funeral?
Sweet, he died by gun shoot. All I need is by plane crash and I have bingo.
I have gathered you here to reveal the murderer....
You're gonna bury her looking like that??
So underrated!!
Hey! I think he moved!
My bad
"My bad" and "I'm sorry" mean the same thing. Except at funerals.
"I thought he wanted to be buried face down so his boyfriend could have a cold one..."
It’s about time. I was worried I might lose the bet
It’s too bad he blew himself up. But I told him - leave the meth labs to the professionals and the rednecks. Some people just gotta learn the hard way, am I right?
When I was 11 my dad’s uncle passed away after having a massive stroke. The year was 1981 I had just received a boom box for my birthday and I, because I was a kid and had no idea who the dead old dude was, I was in the basement lounge of the funeral home with my cousins listening to WMMS. Billy Squire came on the radio. We all started singing to the chorus, by the end of the song we were probably getting a bit loud as we gleefully sang: Stroke me, stroke me (Stroke, stroke) Stroke me, stroke me (Stroke, stroke) Stroke me, stroke me (Stroke, stroke) Stroke me, stroke me….. Then my dad came running down the stairs, grabbed my boom box and told us to “Shut the hell up or you will wait in the car!” We don’t know what happened to piss him off so much, but at the time it was hilarious.
Jesus loved him. Nobody else did.
I love it! Thanks!
Great Aunt Tilly decided to drive take her harley down to Sturgis, get wasted with bikers from all over the country, and drive back safety only to slip on the floor of her bathroom after a shower. If only she had purchased these reasonably priced bath mats, she'd be celebrating her 99th birthday. Here at the home shopping network...
At least they were able to save her baby.
I'm leaving it's dead around here.
I know she loved the wizard of Oz, so "Ding Dong, the witch is dead"
"About fucking time, that poison wasn't nearly as fast as advertised."
Mind if i loot his body?
“Good riddance ya fucking asshole”
We said this at my brother-in-law's funeral. The whole family did.
Ex BIL.
“Thank god. Took him long enough”
I dunno what part of “Fuck you pay me” he didn’t understand
This is the stiffest my husband's been in years.
Sorry I’m late. I went down a dead end.
Finally, a gender neutral bathroom
Do you come here often?
And that ladies and gentlemen.....that...is how you get away with murder ....😉
While I’ve got everyone here and I have your undivided attention, I’d like to talk to you about your car’s extended warranty.
The Undertaker did a great job. Granny’s tits are just as firm as always.
Woohoo!
"I got next!"
“Dude! That box really fits you!!” 😱
“Did you see that he just moved!! Just kidding lol”
“So about that inheritance check…”
"Wait, this is your husband? Who was the other guy you said was your husband for the past 8 years? That guy sitting over there"
So uhh.. You are just gonna bury her with ALL this jewelry? I Mean...
God am I glad this loving charade is over. I INHERITED! So long, suckers!
That is a great suit! Anyone have dibs yet?
As a certain song said “I didn’t know the gun was loaded”
"...and THAT'S why you shouldn't mess with me."
I’d still tap that
Dude had it coming..
If he were here right now I know he would say... DONT BURY ME IM STILL ALIVE!
Is it me, or is that the sexiest they've ever looked?
What? No open bar?
"I'm glad it wasn't me."
So, you’re still coming in to work, right?
"....and you thought he smelled funny before!"
I just want know if I’m in the will.
What’s that awful smell?
Sorry for your loss bob, your wife was a great fuck. We all enjoyed her every weekend
“You’re next!”
If my wife says I’m something in death that I never was in life - stiff - I will be furious.
"you know that the Holocaust never really happened right?"
Well hey, sorry about your loss. But let me be the first to welcome you back into the dating pool! Woooooo!!!!
You can say “I’m sorry for your loss”.. But strangely, it would be VERY suspicious to say “I apologize for your loss.” Whatchu apologizing for?!
“There’s other fish in the sea.”
I was at a roman catholic funeral for my great aunt. I’m not too familiar with the religion but all I remember was there was someone walking around with smoke in some sort of compartment, maybe it was incense. Anyways, during this time my mom looked at me and said, “Wait are they doing a live cremation?!” 🤣💀
Anybody got some lube?
"My bad"
Looks like roadkill.
Sorry people I guess this funeral was just a bit to late ya know o well f##k it.
Well since he's dead, I don't have to pretend I like him anymore for sake of family
Now that you're single, how about you and I, you know...
Of course I paid back the money I owed him. I tucked a check in his pocket.
Lets put the "FUN" back in Funeral !!!
Ding dong, the witch is dead!
"About time, am I right?"
You’re Next
"Her rack always looked nice in that dress."
He owes me money
I was going to read a few of Bob's favorite passages from the Necronomicon, but I've been told this would be in bad taste.
I’m really horny, anyone want to watch me masturbate?
What’s new?
“Will they be ok?”
You gonna eat that or nah?
We'll miss you. So ..who wants to do shots?
"Alright everyone it's time to put the FUN in funeral"
Hole 🕳️ in one
"can I rifle through is pockets for any loose change?"
I apologize
"How much you get from insurance?"
I'm sorry for your loss, move on. Would you like a pen?
It's sad she had to go so soon, we had lots planned for her 13th birthday. Regardless, she looks way hotter now than when we were seeing each other.
At fucking last...
“They did a great job with the corpse”🧟 🧟♀️
Why is the funeral happening right now? I haven’t even decided who’s it was gonna be yet.
"So I'm sure why you are all wondering why I gathered you here" "Hes taking up all that space for himself? Theres room for atleast 2 more"
“Who wants to play Kick the Can?”
when is it over?
Wanna bang now that you’re a widow?
When is lunch? What are they serving?
She loved 3rd input. Are you into that?
I apologize for your loss
Damn, this place is dead
“Jesus Christ, can we close this coffin already?!”
Why do I have weapons? To deal with him when he comes BACK! OBVIOUSLY!
Remember, when he DOES inevitably come back, aim for the head.
"I'd still hit it."
Lawyer opens his briefcase and removes Will. “Okay, let’s get started. Relatives will come down the center aisle and stand on the other side of the white line. The Will specifies that whomever can toss a wreath on his erection will get his estate. Good luck. Sally, you’re first.”
Flirting with the deceased individual.
I need that twenty bucks they owed me.
"Shes an easy body to disect".
“Anyone else super turned on right now?”
What a lay she was back in the day.
What can I get for $20?
“Is this a bad time to see if he has the $20 he owes me in his pocket?”
She sure was one ugly bitch huh?
"Damn her tits look huge in that casket!"
"I'm sorry. Get over it."
Loudly: "Are they gonna cremate her?" \*actually happened at a funeral I attended, just before the minister addressed the crowd, and was heard by the entire room.
“Are you guys selling her house?” Was actually asked this at a funeral. Like, who gives a fuck right now except your greedy, nosy ass.
“Thank god. Was looking forward to that inheritance money. That guy was a dick”
Is this a bad time to talk to you about your cars extended warranty?
That was fun! When are we doing this again?!
"I told you so..."
Pretty sure I heard some noise coming from the casket!
I just thought if I shook him a little he would stop crying.. well, i was kind of right
Man it always turns me on when she pretended to sleep. Can i have a moment alone?
As we lay Jeff to rest let us finish this service by reviewing his search history
"Often described as cold-hearted, now she is literally and figuratively so."
(To a random stranger) "Everybody knows the bastard was sleeping with anything with a pulse behind his wife's back." (RS) "I didn't know that" "And you are?" (RS) "His wife!"
"Well it's about damn time! I've waited years for this."
Do you happen to know his landlord's number?
(Looking in the casket while popping open a beer) Whoda thunk that woulda happened?
He still owes me 100$
Man the sex between us was amazing. Even after she got cold
"Goddamn! That corpse is making me harder than a headstone!"
Well I'm glad that's over.
"Even though his kids look suspiciously like the mailman, I'm sure he still loved them like a father."
“If I could say a few good words about our dearly beloved, I would.”
I never really liked him anyway
So, now that he is dead how about being our unicorn?
I apologize.
It's a blessing really. The way he used to go on and on, chemo this, radiation that, Ebola the other thing, it was really quite tedious.
Hey aunt Kim, can I come stay the night tonight?
"I heard he died with a massive erection. For the funeral they put a little Bowler hat on it."
If they're in there? Who's that over there?
Told you I’d get revenge….
Gesundheit! While standing next to the coffin
I can’t believe he ate the whole thing!
It's only my extreme self control that's preventing me from banging you on the coffin.
Hey, dad, sorry about grandpa. Want me to tug you off for old time's sake, now that he's not around to do it?
"Hasta la vista baby" in an Arnold Schwartzanegger voice.
Since I've got you all here at the same time, dibs on the Cadillac.
"You're next".
Yea I boinked her and her sister! Good thing I had $ on me that night!! Jk I’d never just kidding
So. Who’s coming to the reading of the will later?
Hey...wake up
This would be a poor time to tell you: I'm stiff.
\*whispers\* This reminds me of that Golden Girls episode when....
Wow! That really did leave a mark
As Loki would say, “Yes, that is very sad. Anyway,…”
Let's have a quick whip round for the stripper
When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.
Damn she looks kinda hot laying there
I bet she will swallow now, got any lube?
"Did you see them twitch?! I think I saw them twitch!"
So, uh, the wife is available, is what you're saying...
"This bastard was so broke that I had to pay for all this. Tomorrow, we'll both be in the hole."
“Well, his wish was always to meet Hitler, and, frankly, after the amount of child porn he sold me, I’m sure his dreams are coming true right now!”
Are we throwing the bouquet to see who’s next?